The fact of the matter is that the conventional roadmap provided by culture isn't going to work for a lot of people. If you want a custom-tailored life, you have to be prepared to build it for yourself. The issue is that the more you deviate from the well-trodden path, the less you will be comprehensible to those around you. This means that the cost of living your own life is the approval of others. I discuss more in this episode. Book a paid consultation: oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations Subscribe to my newsletter: oriontarabanpsyd.com Social Media Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622 LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/ Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com Orion's Theme: th-cam.com/video/WrXBzQ2HDEQ/w-d-xo.html Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. Become a Stellar affiliate and earn a 10% commission for every membership purchased by a new student you conduct into the program: stellargre.tapfiliate.com. GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993 Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community: th-cam.com/channels/SduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXw.htmljoin Sound mixing/editing by: valntinomusic.com Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world. #psychology #relationship #selfimprovement
IN FULL LIFE of a humans creation and choice ;continuing in both physical and civil existence neither actually dead nor civiliter mortuus (civilly dead) is the goal albeit arduous.
Schopenhauer had it right… “A man can be himself only so long as he is alone; and if he does not love solitude, he will not love freedom; for it is only when he is alone that he is really free.”
As someone who is team solitutde, i cant help but find the hypocracies, the opposing truths to this. I couldnt have survived till here without the love and care of others, of society, of close community members. And when it came time to give back, once i learned to care for myself, i hide in solitude, enjoying my freedom. But what i tell myself is that i didnt have a great life, so i am benefiting society by not participating in it. Not letting them take advantage of me. Despite how i took advantage of society, and will again if i need help. So theres that.
@@suziebee4240 You sound pretty screwed up. That seeing that advantages or others is not taking advantage of society. And yes you would have survived without others, it would have just been a lot harder is all. many have had to. You were lucky and now you feel guilty about it for some odd reason..
That’s fine but Freedom is not the ultimate goal, greatness is. I have plenty of time to myself, which I do need. But it’s not a virtue to be an anti-social weirdo. My kids are the most beautiful joy in my life. I hope they will accomplish great things. I come from noble blood & grandchildren will know the same.
I spent my years in my late 20s struggling to build my dream life, what amazed me the most was how much criticism and hate i received from doing so. After my booms and busts it's all came together to living my version of success. I thought those who critised me would now be supportive and inspired.... it turned into envy.... people opinions are no longer a factor to me- which is another form of freedom to acquire.
This video resonated with me big time. I have always done my own things and people usually react with either admiration or confusion. As a Black man I get it doulbe because my beliefs, choices, music tastes, and expression are highly divergent of typical Black American culture. It does take a strong personality and a high level of "don't-give-a-fuckatude" to go your own way.
Matrix - I’m glad I left the rat race, life script, keeping up with the Jones’s, buying useless knock knacks, latest gadgets, simping, and retiring early with no marriage and kids. “Death smiles at us all, all a man can do is smile back.”
Facts, I still see people struggling to grab reality by its balls. Mad at modern women and operating on old stories but I’m glad to choose a life of freedom, peace and quiet.
There is some truth to your words, but in order to smile back at your death you have to be born first. Your parents gave you this opportunity, will you give the same opportunity to the next generation of your family?
It's all about being honest with yourself about what you really want. In my twenties, I used to think I wanted all the same things - money, status, women. I'm one of the fortunate few in that I actually got everything I wanted ... and I hated my life. Now in my late thirties, I've realized all I want is peace of mind, freedom, and economic security. That's when I realized I have to cut most people out of my life, because most people just create drama, want to control you and/or waste your money. Loneliness is a small price to pay for that, especially considering it becomes less and less of an issue with practice.
I appreciate this comment as I've had the same experience and I wondered if it was just me. Also, if there is an income disparity between you and the people you are hanging out with, it can become an issue if your friends make bad decisions and you are supposed to somehow be there for them and support said decisions. I really like my peaceful life and I've worked so hard to achieve it. When I see situations that potentially jeopardize the work I have put in, I back away. I just recently said to a friend of mine ~ "If the price I pay for my lifestyle is isolation, I'm ok with that."
@@thepragmatist Totally relatable. A few of my friends/family cut contact after I refused to help them out of a financial hole they had dug for themselves. Really hurt, but did make me realize people use their approval as a carrot/stick.
Life hint, kids: It's not all or nothing. A small business as your "side hustle" lets you attempt this independent life with low risk. You can make mistakes, fail, but not go hungry. I started at age 42. If I'd started at 22, I'd likely be a business owner of note now. My business could succeed now if I tried, but my salaried job provides health care and a reliable income. I know my tradeoffs. If ever the math didn't work anymore, my business is ready to go. That freedom to leave and have only a year of suffering instead of a decade is a colossal source of comfort. I choose to work for others, it is not my only choice. I am not my own boss, but if ever my boss becomes unacceptably demanding, I have an exit ready. Start now, take your time.
I'm also a believer in the balance approach. So many people today push extremes. It's always greener on the other side. But what people don't see is that other side also has manure.
One of the best things you can do in your life is to move outside of your home culture for an extended period. Once you get divorced from your culture you will start to evaluate which parts of that culture are actually important to you and which parts you merely conform to. That will help you understand who you truly are. The more cultures that you can experience the more of a buffet of cultural norms you get to choose from when deciding who you really are. Being a cultural outsider also teaches you not to conform for conformation's sake. You will accept that others' approval is less important than your own self-knowledge and understanding
"Choose from the buffet of cultural norms," lol what a delusional globalist cosmopolitan sales pitch. You ARE your culture and your people. They form core parts of your identity, and they are not easily interchangeable or disposable pieces that you can pick and choose like changing outfits. That's only something leftists with mental illness actually believe.
46yo lifelong, self employed, bachelor here, & former endurance racer / military vet, who is in the process of retiring early & expatriating....my lord, this vid was just my life to a 'T' since I went out on my own 17+ yrs ago....stay strong, stay independent.....
So that is the trick, my fellow brother. 17 years. I am at almost 15 years and I am finally feeling like success is close enough for me to reach out and grab it. The hardest part for me was learning not to care what others believe, as they are merely extras in my life movie, including family we are born into. Friends, fellow tribe members, are the family we choose. We can recognize each other almost instantly as the energy vibe we put out is so different from most people and we don't give a shite if others agree with, not our conclusions, but rather our logic because we * K N O W * in our lives we are correct.
This is my same situation here, even the endurance racer part! I am married, almost 30 years now. I will be 48 soon. I am retired (at 45) and living the California Dream in the Sierras. I bucked all convention; turned down scholarships, married way early (best thing I ever did) and had kids really young (again, best thing I ever did because they are grown now) Went into business for myself after 7 years in Uncle Sam's service and ground it out until I found freedom. Now I am still young, still physically powerful and a little bit wealthy. Money and Time are in the same place. Fuck Yes!
@@ananda_miaoyin hello sir... One question pls... Does having kids help in these times. Like people are saying its so much risk and all now than earlier. Any tips for find a good wife.? Any tips on the logic thay whether we need ro fix ourselves first ? To find the better half ?
@@TurbulantSynider I have no experience on the topic of "finding a good wife." I have been married only once and for almost 30 years now. I got lucky. We met, we knew and we went for it. As for children; they have a way of galvanizing your motivation to earn. I went from being a fiber optic engineer making more money than anyone I knew to shoveling shit for 14 bucks an hour, seventy hours a week: when they gotta eat, you will do anything. On the subject of "fixing yourself first" well, that is a really long road. If you wait for that, you may be waiting the rest of your life and some future lives as well! The perfect person does not exist - not in you or me. Jump in, walk the road and fuck up. A lot. That is how we learn and grow.
I’m in my late 60’s and I came to the conclusion you speak of many years ago. I gave up seeking approval from others because I always felt I was not on the same wavelength, something wasn’t right. Early on while trying to find myself I did the cultural thing and learned industrial engineering to get employable skills. That overriding perspective worked until it didn’t. Found out I was as disposable as toilet paper. Suing was an appropriate choice. Went back to university to learn something that was of interest (anthropology) and dealt with all the comments of what are you going to do with that. The most rewarding coursework was art history - it centred my core understanding human nature. I’m far richer for the experience.
The cost of living your own life is def the approval of others. This is my life and my experience in the last few years. I always do what makes sense to me, don’t automatically do what society expects, am more frugal than most and retired early. Retiring early makes everyone I know very uncomfortable. Not doing what everyone else does makes ppl very uncomfortable. I will say that it has not been easy at all for me socially. Adjusting to criticism / becoming more comfortable being the outsider… haha 🙂
Holy crap Orion. You've put into words what I've been stewing in for years. I'm a non conformist in many ways. And I'm not well off cos I've chosen the opposite of corporatism. But I'm pretty damn content and stable. Compound interest is a thing in mentality and spirituality too. Thanks Doc.
"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." Friedrich Nietzsche
@@nicolasdupuis114 By being independent of them when it comes to non-professional things. If you're at work or at school, YOU are in someone else's place and there are expectations that you need to meet. Once you're out, be yourself. Don't wear a mask just to be friends with someone.
That's very true, about being easily misunderstood, when you go for something unconventional. Whenever I tell people I'm retiring early from my federal job to return to being a musician, most people do not react well. Firstly, I can see people are jealous that I've managed to set up for early retirement while most of my friends are still working. But also, they do not understand why I would forego saving up even more money to have an "nicer" retirement and instead pursue what is basically a hobby (I do not expect to make much money in music, but I intend to do it full time).
"You haven't deviated enough to make a difference". Powerful statement.Made me think. Your success on the fringe would seemingly depend on your methods and their efficacy---and not necessarily on your degree of deviance. Going rebel might not be satisfying in itself, unless rebellion itself was your goal. Very good subject,caught my eye immediately.
Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship, I learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago I and my wife divorced because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it
there is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE.
@@TrentReeves-c2kJordan Peterson has a lot of relationship content I have found very valuable. My wife & I went through some hard times. What got us through it was letting go of resentment. We see the goodness in one another and that counts for a lot when both actually want the marriage to work. We like each other as people. You have to have a real friendship. With that said, many people think they are supposed to make the relationship work when in reality they don’t like it enough.
it's tough to live up the way you want in this society. coz loneliness is inevitable when most people dont understand why you choose that route. but it is brave to do that, and i'm trying now.
Do a deep dive into codependence to understand its insidiousness. Most of us have it to some degree. if you are concerned about what others will think (good or bad) about what you do you are codependent. To be truly authentic to yourself you cannot care what other people think...they are going to think it anyway.
Loneliness passes, trust me. At nearly 50 i now cherish my time alone. I'm better company than most people i know and a good book or podcast is often more interesting and stimulating.
@@elonever.2.071it's codependency a part of any couple/romantic relationship? Does the system and it's financial pressure create that insidiousness you talk about? It always seem to start off nice, and the hell let's lose and people divorce and get hurt.
I'm sorry, I'm a looser like you too but laughed hard on your words about the bravery 😂 I see no bravery in not doing normal people's achievements. Edit: corrected "beavery" to "bravery" 🫡
What's wrong with people choosing to work jobs they don't like? Their choice, no judgment. You aren't any better than them for breaking free, you just made different choices. You aren't any less than anyone else for choosing to live a life based on others approval. We are all meant to do what we do otherwise we wouldn't be doing it, weather its perceived as good or bad, it is what it is. Our journeys are all different.
Exactly. I like this dude videos, but sometimes I forget his videos are not for the average person like me. They’re for the dudes that have their shit completely together and making big moves.
@@davidkunstist7895The only thing that makes it not true is that the OP said ALL, instead of most. Yes, there are some Jeremiah Johnson types out there, but they aren't on the internet. Why? Because in order to get on the internet, they'd have to use products and services provided by a lot of people, and quite a few of them are people that hate their jobs.
The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, answered "Man! Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”
This happens to me I deviate from my family and friends because that is the type of person I am. Took me years to understand and a lot of loneliness but I learned that comes with the territory. After many years about 25, my brother started talking to me and he understood too. I have lost many friends and family to pursue my goals but I am happy and fulfilled with my life. I teach my kids the same.
When I was a young man in my early twenties I was having a mental breakdown. When a thought ran through my head, I’d rather be dead than continue down this path. That was very freeing, then I had another thought, well if I’m going to be dead anyways I may as well just do what I want in life. Long story short, I’m now 61, single and live in a cabin in the woods and couldn’t be happier.
This is my first time commenting though I have been listening for awhile. Doing things my own way and not the way expected by people around me at my age really is a solo path - and has cost understanding from family and friends and a shift that is lonely. Yet I regret none of it and hope the right people and opportunities come my way, staying true to who I am. Hearing this talk today is very helpful.
Your video was spot on! Standing out from the crowd isn't always welcomed and can lead to exclusion. However, in the end, you're free and not manipulated like a puppet.
You just explained what I felt and knew that I looked at life differently from my community . I left my country and live my life to my satisfaction. Now I’m successful my friends and family work and benefit from my decisions. I’m true to myself and true to my own beliefs it’s the best decision ever. You can take me or leave me .
That was great advice. I'm old, but when I was young a lot of "friendship" was just being miserable together and complaining about the same things, or seeking escape together. Stop using excuses to waste your time complaining and seeking escape, and start investing in yourself, and you end up with fewer friends, or even none for a while. I've found a very small number of really good friends (trustworthy, and who want me to succeed) is really the best.
Once you do break away from needing the approval of others it really hits home how little they ever cared about you and how little their reactions matter. Truly liberating. I just wish it hadn't taken so many years to get to that point.
"every day millions of people work jobs that they hate, so that they can continue to earn enough to afford to live in a city, to work a job they hate." -Dr. Orion Taraban
It is the 'straw boss' mentality that was driven by the Industrial Revolution that was inbred into us through epigenetics that takes courage. commitment and dedication to overcome.
This is true but does not imply that they could just stop and be happy. You can leave the expensive city to live in the countryside with fewer jobs that you may still hate and a smaller pool of people to pick your friends and lovers from.
"Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off." Tyler Durden, Fight Club.
This one definitely resonates with me. I was twice promoted within 2 years of each other and was encouraged by everyone around me to go to graduate school to continue an upward trajectory within my company. Most people would probably just continue on that path to more money and status.... But I learned very quickly that I hate bureaucracy and the excessive amount of time after hours I was expected to work due to being a salaried employee. I also have never really cared about having a "title". I decided life was too short to be worried about what others think and that I valued my free time and peace of mind more than anything. In the end, those who are telling you what your life should be like are not the ones who have to live with the day to day reality of those choices, only you. Thank you Dr. Taraban for sharing your continued knowledge and wisdom!
Tradition is a collection of successful innovations. Cultural expectation and social norms are good for civilization. We are gonna find out pretty soon the reason those social norms were in place.
...and it's also very possible for tradition and culture to get it wrong, in Nigeria in tha past they're cultures that practice FGM (femal genital mutilation), killing of twins (because they believed them to be evil spirits, seeing two persons from one pregnancy instead of one) I'm not totally discrediting you, I believe we are erasing traditions and cultures too fast especially in the west, just know they can also be wrong These tradition and cultures didn't fall out of thing air, people made them and people can be wrong
Good talk, but I have to add this: it's not just "loneliness" or "lack of approval" that you have to tolerate, it's also shame. Shame is an immensely powerful control mechanism that enforces social conformity (evolutionarily, that seems to be one of its main functions). Shame is a very powerful and painful emotion, but it is also hidden and subtle, so most people don't recognize it. I'm 62, and I've been trying to live my own life for as long as I can remember. I have learned that if I want to do that, it depends on my capacity to tolerate shame, to deal with it, and to move forward anyhow. I understand it's just a short video, so it couldn't go too deep, but I think it's worth recognizing the role of shame in enforcing conformity.
I have a job as a base (100% commission sales job) & do many other things on the side as professional "hobbies". I tend to be ALONE (with my dog) 95% of the time. I DO NOT FEEL LONELY. In fact, small talk and repetitive conversation leads me to get back to something productive. Sometimes I have a lull in between jobs or, like right now recovering from a surgery, the lull makes me need some validation that everything is still good. Thanks for this. Now that i have had both carpel tunnel release surgeries, can feel my fingers again. I can get back to being way more productive again. Knowing yourself and being true to yourself is most telling.
I got laid off 4 months ago just before beginning a home-build. I then adjusted the plans to be simpler/cheaper where I could build it debt-free, job-free. Submitted the plans last week, hope to have approval to build this summer. This may be the start of working for myself, or maybe I'll get back into a corporate job another 5-10 years, save, then work for myself at that time. I have approval from a small handful. Most don't understand that I might be done working for others after a single full-time corporate job that I stuck to for 1/3 of my life. But that's fine.
We polyamorous people call the romantic aspect of this "The Relationship Escalator" -- it starts at the bottom, it ends at the top, the destination is predefined, your progression is automated, and you're not allowed to get off without falling all the way to the bottom and completely starting over.
7:20 "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." The relationships we choose are stronger than the ones we are born into. Ive had to break up with several old friends the past year and become much more discerning about who I spend my time and energy on.
This saying has been provided wrong to me for so many years. “Blood is thicker than water” is what I was told but as soon as I found and discovered for myself it meant the opposite, which helped me to continued building my own life and only connecting with those of the covenant.
@Life_is_Shorts That's because blood is thicker than water makes no sense. It is what OP said. Blood of the covenant, water of the womb. Not blood and water. It means that the relationships you build and cultivate yourself will mean more to you than a relationship with someone who just got pushed out the same birth canal as you.
@@The_Love_Doctor_Sean It's only in the last couple years that all of these old sayings like "the custtomer is always right" have been debunked by unveiling the full phrase, which goes in the complete oppositie of what the edited version says. Almost like it was done insidiously to make people follow a specific behavior.
This quickly rose to the #1 favorite video on this channel because I've been fighting this conflict for 25 years and I've finally chosen the path of freedom and the price was a nice steady paycheck and approval of coworkers and bosses, which I found out (after I took the step or leap of faith) that those things have no value! The fear disappeared once I made my move.
@DigitalAsshat ditching 9 to 5. E-commerce/ my own. I set my hours. I'm also not married and don't have children. I did go for those things, but God, the universe or mother nature deemed it not to be so. Yet. Having those things require or demand major compromises with society. Everything has it's pros & and cons, so I'm not against them. But I've been lucky that someone or something has been protecting me from the wrong woman or keeping me from the right one.(perspective matters) so I don't say that people have chosen the wrong path either way. Married or unmarried. Employed, self-employed, or unemployed. But I am happy in my new phase in life. No boss for 5 months so far. Still can't get over how good that feels. Keep in mind that once you decide on that path, uncertainty enters the picture. Confidence and some work get you through it. I can always go back to being an employee. But I doubt that it will happen.
I'm in the same boat. Unmarried and luckily the gods or whoever has saved me, albeit in less than desirable endings to relationships but hey, life needs a little seasoning at times and water finds its own level. I'm about to make a move of my own. Clarity started to arrive when i read your comment and heard from the Doc that uncertainty and no one's else approval or understanding are the entry prices to pay.
I live my own life with my own path. And I am in peace with me. BUT. When I see the middle class families from suburbs walking around shopping malls I see how geniounly happy they are. Really happy.
Spot on! Greets from a Diogenes in a rolling barrel! "Real freedom is freedom from the opinions of others. Above all, freedom from your opinions about yourself." - Brennan Manning; "Freedom Isn't Free" - Col. Walter Hitchcock
Dead on. Finding a wife who was willing to live in the frame of my journey and change with me along the way to make it OUR journey, outside the realm of the normies as much as possible, has been a big boost in my confidence in my job as the messenger and facing the slings and arrows come with that job.
Hi Dr Orion, I once left a comment on Chris Williamson's channel to interview you as you have a very unique and rare but awesome way of explaining things etc. Don't know if he saw it or not but glad to see you there too.
This video appeared to me on a perfect time, I was having a confused thoughts and I saw that I'm chasing the wrong dopamine, specially from social media. I gave up my content and I stopped showcasing my talents to public. I wanna stop seeking validation from others, and focus on things that matters the most and living my own life. Thank you Dr, you showed me and confirmed to me that I'm on the right path of deviating from the massive. God bless all of you and wish luck for me.❤
Moving to a new city next week. I know zero people. It’s by design. This is such a timely message. Will play on repeat the next few days. Thank you for your wisdom.
When you do it the first time, it's scary. After the fifth time, it's normal. I've lived in Kyiv, St. Petersburg, Helsinki, Moscow, Boston MA, Cambridge (UK), London, and Prague.
I did that. Then after 2 years I ran back to my hometown. After another 2 years in that crime-ridden high-rent mess, I returned to the new city and have been here ever since going on 8 years now. Tip: You will need a ton of local knowledge. Befriend anyone and everyone to get it. You can sort out the wheat from the chaff later.
This makes so much sense, when I started doing things ny own way a lot of people starting feeling irriated by me, only few stayed because living your own life creates two groups of people envy for your courage or admiration for your courage and very few will be the latter
ALL THIS IS KOBE BRYANT ADJACENT. I couldn't understand or fathom the amount of dedication that dude put into the game of basketball - but thats why people could not beat him at that game, and how come he was so confident in that truth. Thanks Doc.
One of my favourite quotes by Jim Kwik: Have the curiosity to know yourself and the courage to be yourself. What does success mean to us and what are the non-negotiable bumpers that we need to establish to protect and get closer to what we actually want in life. Remember the right decisions are often also the hard decisions, and sometimes the hardest “permission” to seek is not from other people but rather from ourselves…
@@rainbowodysseybyjonlion Then you are going to have to sacrifice your identity, freedom, and values in order to attract and retain other people. You will feel safe but your identity will revolve around the pleasure of others. You will have to give up your relationship with yourself, and you will use the temporary validation of others as sustenance to keep you going. If you fail in your relationships, then you might have nothing from others and from yourself.
@@toxicmale2264 no! Thats 100% false! You do not have to sacrifice your identity and freedom to be in a relationship and all that jazz. Sacrifice means you give up something and never get it back. I can believe the exact same things and have the same values and freedom of movement and freedom of whatever by being in a relationship. I know many people that already have it. You sound seriously bitter dude. LOL! You act like its a soviet or nazi work colony. Give up your freedom and values? Wtf are you talking about bro. lolol
@@rainbowodysseybyjonlion How many years have you been married? Why do married people let themselves go so badly? You become a play thing for a woman, and are walking around like a dog on a leash being used, by a creature with the intelligence of a child. It is never enough to make her happy, because if she was ever satisfied, you would stop working. Do you enjoy being trapped in a relationship where you beg to be treated with respect? You are delusional. I am describing a lot of sexless marriages.
@@rainbowodysseybyjonlion You are delusional. You, like most married people, have a fantasy that sounds good in theory but have only vague words to describe it. Bitter? I view reality as reality. You are trying to put emotion into something that doesn't need it. You want a relationship? You are going to get used, and you are going to get little in return. Relationships are more transactional than selfless, I am just trying to get you to understand that she doesn't want YOU. She wants what you have to offer her. (second attempt)
Yup it was process to go against the norm. I will never forget the expression on the chief’s face when I told him I was in the elite squad because I wanted to learn avout shopping centers high rises hotels and amusement park, NOT to become a supervisor or on management track. He couldn’t believe that I wasn’t interested in climbing ladders. Needless to say I got transferred out of that department and never got promoted till my retirement. My work product was water tight and I treated my product seriously. Of course management didn’t care. The last 5 years I quietly quit, doing enough to not get fired. I just wanted to get 25 years to retire.
You’re right. Without even realizing it we take this path in our lives. As if we are conditioned. It is up to us to make our own decisions about what we want regardless of outside influences.
Resisting the enormous pressure to tow the line politically and socially has been the biggest battle of my life. It took me 40 years to fully understand that I am not obligated to associate with people who bring me down, even if it is family...ESPECIALLY if it's family! Boundaries and thick skin are my best friends.
Excited for your newfound freedom of being yourSelf! If I may; What has helped me tremendously is understanding that there IS a difference between relatives (my blood) and family (my choice).
I can't stress enough how true everything you said in 9 minutes is. An honest reality behind so many mistakes and lies. Greetings from Budapest, Hungary
Community of shared suffering - So my experience and that of fellow recruits during basic. 😂 I aware that's not what the point of that statement was but it immediately took me back. Looking back at that time I now laugh. I miss my buddies after all these years.
This is so true. It's tough, living your own life. Not only does it take huge self-belief, the consequences of failure can be severe. I could write a book. I'm not doing so.
I was denied human interaction my entire infancy-other than bottle and diaper. Taught this boomer a lot about living my own life-right at the beginning of it! Not so hard, but still a price to pay.
@@sole__doubt... and understand even less so, if your vision fails. That's when the consequences could really set in. Some of us have been fortunate. I've witnessed too many who weren't. It's not a path to be undertaken lightly, in my anecdotal opinion.
You are singing my song on this one! Of all of your videos that I’ve watched this one resonates the most with me. I never married, or had children. I’ve lived a free, spirited, adventurous career oriented life, and definitely have taken the path less traveled. What you say is so true. Many people do not know how to. take me at all or they do not know how to define me, because I am undefinable unlike most people. I am educated with a masters degree and I have done many things, and how many prominent positions, but I have changed jobs often and done a variety of roles in a variety of industries. I have lived life on my own terms as much as one can in this culture. Yes, it has resulted in disapproval, both family and society. I have also experienced ostracization many many times. And it can be a lonely life with only yourself to truly rely on. But at the same time I have had so much freedom joy adventure, plenty of lovers, and lots of amazing experiences that my counterparts can’t even begin to imagine or to live. It takes a bold spirit to not know what tomorrow will hold both personally and professionally and still be OK with that. I would not trade my life path For anything.
I just watched this one twice back-to-back. “The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high for the privilege of owning yourself.” -Nietzche
Holy smokes! Thank you helping me detach and not take it personally when people in my life seemed terrible towards me for taking unconventional paths. They - nor myself aren't the bad guys in this scenario.
This is amazing. I always thought all therapists, especially psychologists, were normalists, who tried to adjust people to the status quo. Freud turned people from neurotics to miserable, normal people. Then at the end of his life, he said he felt like his psychoanalysis had failed. Well, now I feel like the mental health industry can be trusted. Thanks for this!! Lone wolf for life!!
A good talk. Very true. I have guided my sons in a similar tack to what you speak of. I work on giving the tools to improve themselves, not the rigid blueprint which often leads to unhappiness. But like you say, it's not easy to resist the pressure to conform.
Oh yeah. Loyalty to a company is as about as rewarded as loyalty is to a wife. Two of the biggest examples of “what have you done for me lately” if there ever were any at all.
One warning about entrepreneurship: it also won't make you rich or happy either. Perhaps marginally but on net basis. Entrepreneurship has a statistical success if less than 2%. .
Yes, this resonated with me so much. I've always been the black sheep of the family but I've always taken pride on how unconventional my choices were. I feel like I am slowly finding my people now.
I appreciate this. Deviating from others expectations, we run the risk of others perpetrating the Scapegoat mechanism upon those not conforming to their will for you.
This is very true. The pressure to conform is strong. And once you start to walk that path it is nearly impossible to break the chains of responsibility and expectation. To those feeling out of step, you are not crazy, and you are not truly obligated to kill your dreams for the benefit of others. Make your decision, explain yourself as well as you can, and move out.
This is why non-approval seeking behavior is admired. It takes courage to step out and walk one's path. Misunderstanding and ridicule are practically promised.
I am a person who chose his own life, and I can tell you that not all my pusuits ‘against’ society norms were succesfull or made me happy. I can even tell you that I understood why society values some behaviours& goals later in life, the hard way. In ones life there is always some level of disatisfaction and suffering. That is where growth comes from. I can see a level of judgement towords people that choose a life in line with society expectation but I know happy & succesfull people who took that path. There are different lessons for different kind of people. No one is absolutely right…we are all work in progress.
@Kyle-tz6zwI agree . A healthy relationship is based on teamwork and having each other’s backs. There is no “I “ in team. Until you know how to put another’s needs before your own, you don’t know love. Of course, you will not do that forever, as we all have our own needs to take care of, as well. Many of these men lack the emotional maturity and relational intelligence to be in a successful marriage.
Young people: if you ever decide to deviate from the norm to live and work in Japan, you have my full support! Although I am not where I want to be financially at my age, I would not trade the 9 years I lived over there working, studying, and dating for a “secure” life lived only in the US. The experience gave me a resilience that is definitely needed here now.
it's crazy how well you articulate the abstract thoughts I've been recently having about living my own life. Like, it's eerie, but i definitely appreciate the supportive words!
In a previous video, you mentioned that lack of status in society is the main cause of depression. It seems validation from others is a key component of status and this path would likely lead down that path.
This might depend on if you fail or not. Success in a radical endeavor (as viewed by societal norms) will earn you social status. Failure generally will not.
Thanks I think this is the best video, I moved from my country for work and I experienced the freedom I never had, I understood that the cultural narrow mindedness influence us so much and I am the person who cares a lot what my people think.
The fact of the matter is that the conventional roadmap provided by culture isn't going to work for a lot of people. If you want a custom-tailored life, you have to be prepared to build it for yourself. The issue is that the more you deviate from the well-trodden path, the less you will be comprehensible to those around you. This means that the cost of living your own life is the approval of others. I discuss more in this episode.
Book a paid consultation:
oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations
Subscribe to my newsletter: oriontarabanpsyd.com
Social Media
Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/
Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks
Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban
Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com
Orion's Theme: th-cam.com/video/WrXBzQ2HDEQ/w-d-xo.html
Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com.
Become a Stellar affiliate and earn a 10% commission for every membership purchased by a new student you conduct into the program: stellargre.tapfiliate.com.
GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993
Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community:
th-cam.com/channels/SduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXw.htmljoin
Sound mixing/editing by: valntinomusic.com
Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.
#psychology #relationship #selfimprovement
What happened to your "Girl Math" video that was uploaded on Monday? It's gone now.
@@hanslopez910 that needs to be broken out as a separate question - i hadn't noticed the missing video!
IN FULL LIFE of a humans creation and choice ;continuing in both physical and civil existence neither actually dead nor civiliter mortuus (civilly dead) is the goal albeit arduous.
God is the best !
🙏☦️♥️
I'm so off the roadmap, many assume mental issues. (I just accept I have highs and lows)
"The cost of living your own life is the approval of others."
Great one.
Cheap indeed.
I think it was "disapproval of others."
Schopenhauer had it right…
“A man can be himself only so long as he is alone; and if he does not love solitude, he will not love freedom; for it is only when he is alone that he is really free.”
Ind ed, but the other side of the coin is that loneliness breeds craziness.😆🖕
@@foreign_agent No one said that being alone = loneliness. You jumped to a conclusion. Yes it can be lonely, but not a constant and not a sure thing.
As someone who is team solitutde, i cant help but find the hypocracies, the opposing truths to this. I couldnt have survived till here without the love and care of others, of society, of close community members. And when it came time to give back, once i learned to care for myself, i hide in solitude, enjoying my freedom. But what i tell myself is that i didnt have a great life, so i am benefiting society by not participating in it. Not letting them take advantage of me. Despite how i took advantage of society, and will again if i need help.
So theres that.
@@suziebee4240 You sound pretty screwed up. That seeing that advantages or others is not taking advantage of society. And yes you would have survived without others, it would have just been a lot harder is all. many have had to. You were lucky and now you feel guilty about it for some odd reason..
That’s fine but Freedom is not the ultimate goal, greatness is. I have plenty of time to myself, which I do need. But it’s not a virtue to be an anti-social weirdo. My kids are the most beautiful joy in my life. I hope they will accomplish great things. I come from noble blood & grandchildren will know the same.
I spent my years in my late 20s struggling to build my dream life, what amazed me the most was how much criticism and hate i received from doing so. After my booms and busts it's all came together to living my version of success. I thought those who critised me would now be supportive and inspired.... it turned into envy.... people opinions are no longer a factor to me- which is another form of freedom to acquire.
Yes, it does indeed turn into envy. I absolutely despise the snakes of society.
Facts! The best freedom is the one of not giving a fuck about other people's opinions... especially if they don't add any value into your life.
What’s your job?
The problem is you had the balls to go after what you wanted they didn’t & it eats at them 😂
What were you struggling the most with? How would you describe your path?
This video resonated with me big time. I have always done my own things and people usually react with either admiration or confusion. As a Black man I get it doulbe because my beliefs, choices, music tastes, and expression are highly divergent of typical Black American culture. It does take a strong personality and a high level of "don't-give-a-fuckatude" to go your own way.
Amen
Outstanding! Most people we interact with aren’t even worth the energy to shake their hand, let alone seeking their approval.
@@scottbriggs4960 Exactly!
"as a white man"
Thank you for sharing your reality. I enjoyed reading it. Be well.
Matrix - I’m glad I left the rat race, life script, keeping up with the Jones’s, buying useless knock knacks, latest gadgets, simping, and retiring early with no marriage and kids. “Death smiles at us all, all a man can do is smile back.”
Facts, I still see people struggling to grab reality by its balls. Mad at modern women and operating on old stories but I’m glad to choose a life of freedom, peace and quiet.
I did the same. Never cared what other people think. Retired at 54. Low expenses and no wife. Life is good.
There is some truth to your words, but in order to smile back at your death you have to be born first. Your parents gave you this opportunity, will you give the same opportunity to the next generation of your family?
@@shadowblack6235It's not supposed to be a numbers game, is it?
What tells you thats its not what the matrix want? That you are single and being alone so you have nothing to fight for and back?
Every strong friend I have shares one important trait.
They have suffered with me...and wish to continue to do so.
It's all about being honest with yourself about what you really want. In my twenties, I used to think I wanted all the same things - money, status, women. I'm one of the fortunate few in that I actually got everything I wanted ... and I hated my life. Now in my late thirties, I've realized all I want is peace of mind, freedom, and economic security. That's when I realized I have to cut most people out of my life, because most people just create drama, want to control you and/or waste your money. Loneliness is a small price to pay for that, especially considering it becomes less and less of an issue with practice.
Practice xD
Well said.
I appreciate this comment as I've had the same experience and I wondered if it was just me. Also, if there is an income disparity between you and the people you are hanging out with, it can become an issue if your friends make bad decisions and you are supposed to somehow be there for them and support said decisions. I really like my peaceful life and I've worked so hard to achieve it. When I see situations that potentially jeopardize the work I have put in, I back away. I just recently said to a friend of mine ~ "If the price I pay for my lifestyle is isolation, I'm ok with that."
And most of those ppl who wanna control you of waste your $ are your.. significant others by chance..?
@@thepragmatist Totally relatable. A few of my friends/family cut contact after I refused to help them out of a financial hole they had dug for themselves. Really hurt, but did make me realize people use their approval as a carrot/stick.
Life hint, kids: It's not all or nothing. A small business as your "side hustle" lets you attempt this independent life with low risk. You can make mistakes, fail, but not go hungry. I started at age 42. If I'd started at 22, I'd likely be a business owner of note now. My business could succeed now if I tried, but my salaried job provides health care and a reliable income. I know my tradeoffs. If ever the math didn't work anymore, my business is ready to go. That freedom to leave and have only a year of suffering instead of a decade is a colossal source of comfort. I choose to work for others, it is not my only choice. I am not my own boss, but if ever my boss becomes unacceptably demanding, I have an exit ready. Start now, take your time.
I'm also a believer in the balance approach. So many people today push extremes. It's always greener on the other side. But what people don't see is that other side also has manure.
Great advice dude. Both Orion's insight and your lived experience William is the balance that I'm looking for. Thank you.
How can you assume you would be a business owner of note if you started at 22
One of the best things you can do in your life is to move outside of your home culture for an extended period. Once you get divorced from your culture you will start to evaluate which parts of that culture are actually important to you and which parts you merely conform to. That will help you understand who you truly are. The more cultures that you can experience the more of a buffet of cultural norms you get to choose from when deciding who you really are. Being a cultural outsider also teaches you not to conform for conformation's sake. You will accept that others' approval is less important than your own self-knowledge and understanding
this is honestly genius level advice
Very good advice. I often find that the children of missionaries have a more healthily detached attitude to life
Good advice.
"Choose from the buffet of cultural norms," lol what a delusional globalist cosmopolitan sales pitch. You ARE your culture and your people. They form core parts of your identity, and they are not easily interchangeable or disposable pieces that you can pick and choose like changing outfits. That's only something leftists with mental illness actually believe.
This is so true. Living in a foreign culture was one of the best things I've ever done for myself.
46yo lifelong, self employed, bachelor here, & former endurance racer / military vet, who is in the process of retiring early & expatriating....my lord, this vid was just my life to a 'T' since I went out on my own 17+ yrs ago....stay strong, stay independent.....
So that is the trick, my fellow brother. 17 years. I am at almost 15 years and I am finally feeling like success is close enough for me to reach out and grab it.
The hardest part for me was learning not to care what others believe, as they are merely extras in my life movie, including family we are born into.
Friends, fellow tribe members, are the family we choose. We can recognize each other almost instantly as the energy vibe we put out is so different from most people and we don't give a shite if others agree with, not our conclusions, but rather our logic because we * K N O W * in our lives we are correct.
This is my same situation here, even the endurance racer part! I am married, almost 30 years now. I will be 48 soon. I am retired (at 45) and living the California Dream in the Sierras.
I bucked all convention; turned down scholarships, married way early (best thing I ever did) and had kids really young (again, best thing I ever did because they are grown now) Went into business for myself after 7 years in Uncle Sam's service and ground it out until I found freedom.
Now I am still young, still physically powerful and a little bit wealthy.
Money and Time are in the same place.
Fuck Yes!
@@ananda_miaoyin hello sir... One question pls... Does having kids help in these times. Like people are saying its so much risk and all now than earlier. Any tips for find a good wife.?
Any tips on the logic thay whether we need ro fix ourselves first ? To find the better half ?
@@TurbulantSynider I have no experience on the topic of "finding a good wife." I have been married only once and for almost 30 years now. I got lucky. We met, we knew and we went for it.
As for children; they have a way of galvanizing your motivation to earn. I went from being a fiber optic engineer making more money than anyone I knew to shoveling shit for 14 bucks an hour, seventy hours a week: when they gotta eat, you will do anything.
On the subject of "fixing yourself first" well, that is a really long road. If you wait for that, you may be waiting the rest of your life and some future lives as well! The perfect person does not exist - not in you or me.
Jump in, walk the road and fuck up. A lot. That is how we learn and grow.
Do you watch John Griffin too?
I’m in my late 60’s and I came to the conclusion you speak of many years ago. I gave up seeking approval from others because I always felt I was not on the same wavelength, something wasn’t right. Early on while trying to find myself I did the cultural thing and learned industrial engineering to get employable skills. That overriding perspective worked until it didn’t. Found out I was as disposable as toilet paper. Suing was an appropriate choice. Went back to university to learn something that was of interest (anthropology) and dealt with all the comments of what are you going to do with that. The most rewarding coursework was art history - it centred my core understanding human nature. I’m far richer for the experience.
The cost of living your own life is def the approval of others. This is my life and my experience in the last few years. I always do what makes sense to me, don’t automatically do what society expects, am more frugal than most and retired early.
Retiring early makes everyone I know very uncomfortable. Not doing what everyone else does makes ppl very uncomfortable. I will say that it has not been easy at all for me socially. Adjusting to criticism / becoming more comfortable being the outsider… haha 🙂
Most people just thinks they're unique and different, when they fall dead center on the bell curve.
Holy crap Orion. You've put into words what I've been stewing in for years. I'm a non conformist in many ways. And I'm not well off cos I've chosen the opposite of corporatism. But I'm pretty damn content and stable. Compound interest is a thing in mentality and spirituality too. Thanks Doc.
As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.
Why and how?
That comment needs to be placed on a bumper sticker
The asylum is full of people that trust and believe in themself
@@scottbriggs4960 Thanks
Not true.
"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."
Friedrich Nietzsche
How do you survive without a tribe, Mr. Nietzsche ?
@@nicolasdupuis114 By being independent of them when it comes to non-professional things. If you're at work or at school, YOU are in someone else's place and there are expectations that you need to meet. Once you're out, be yourself. Don't wear a mask just to be friends with someone.
@@sircar4876 you will have no friends, period.
yeah
@@raymond_sycamore
I'm pretty sure this quote is from Rudyard Kipling
That's very true, about being easily misunderstood, when you go for something unconventional. Whenever I tell people I'm retiring early from my federal job to return to being a musician, most people do not react well. Firstly, I can see people are jealous that I've managed to set up for early retirement while most of my friends are still working. But also, they do not understand why I would forego saving up even more money to have an "nicer" retirement and instead pursue what is basically a hobby (I do not expect to make much money in music, but I intend to do it full time).
I love music! Go for it!!!
"You haven't deviated enough to make a difference". Powerful statement.Made me think. Your success on the fringe would seemingly depend on your methods and their efficacy---and not necessarily on your degree of deviance. Going rebel might not be satisfying in itself, unless rebellion itself was your goal. Very good subject,caught my eye immediately.
Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship, I learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago I and my wife divorced because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it
there is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE.
this is helpful, I will look her up. I hope this works for me too, I really miss her.
@@TrentReeves-c2k youre screwed if you take her back. Dont do it.
@@TrentReeves-c2kJordan Peterson has a lot of relationship content I have found very valuable.
My wife & I went through some hard times. What got us through it was letting go of resentment. We see the goodness in one another and that counts for a lot when both actually want the marriage to work. We like each other as people. You have to have a real friendship.
With that said, many people think they are supposed to make the relationship work when in reality they don’t like it enough.
it's tough to live up the way you want in this society. coz loneliness is inevitable when most people dont understand why you choose that route. but it is brave to do that, and i'm trying now.
Do a deep dive into codependence to understand its insidiousness. Most of us have it to some degree. if you are concerned about what others will think (good or bad) about what you do you are codependent. To be truly authentic to yourself you cannot care what other people think...they are going to think it anyway.
Loneliness passes, trust me. At nearly 50 i now cherish my time alone. I'm better company than most people i know and a good book or podcast is often more interesting and stimulating.
@@elonever.2.071it's codependency a part of any couple/romantic relationship? Does the system and it's financial pressure create that insidiousness you talk about? It always seem to start off nice, and the hell let's lose and people divorce and get hurt.
I'm sorry, I'm a looser like you too but laughed hard on your words about the bravery 😂 I see no bravery in not doing normal people's achievements.
Edit: corrected "beavery" to "bravery" 🫡
Allow yourself "...to forego the approval of others" could be the GOTO phrase.
Are you afraid of death? If not why be afraid of divorce?
Dont forget: we all depend on people working in jobs they dont like.
What's wrong with people choosing to work jobs they don't like? Their choice, no judgment. You aren't any better than them for breaking free, you just made different choices. You aren't any less than anyone else for choosing to live a life based on others approval. We are all meant to do what we do otherwise we wouldn't be doing it, weather its perceived as good or bad, it is what it is.
Our journeys are all different.
thats stupid and not true
Exactly. I like this dude videos, but sometimes I forget his videos are not for the average person like me. They’re for the dudes that have their shit completely together and making big moves.
Agree 🤝
@@davidkunstist7895The only thing that makes it not true is that the OP said ALL, instead of most. Yes, there are some Jeremiah Johnson types out there, but they aren't on the internet. Why? Because in order to get on the internet, they'd have to use products and services provided by a lot of people, and quite a few of them are people that hate their jobs.
The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, answered "Man! Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”
This happens to me I deviate from my family and friends because that is the type of person I am. Took me years to understand and a lot of loneliness but I learned that comes with the territory. After many years about 25, my brother started talking to me and he understood too. I have lost many friends and family to pursue my goals but I am happy and fulfilled with my life. I teach my kids the same.
Courage is persecuted by the cowardice
When I was a young man in my early twenties I was having a mental breakdown. When a thought ran through my head, I’d rather be dead than continue down this path. That was very freeing, then I had another thought, well if I’m going to be dead anyways I may as well just do what I want in life. Long story short, I’m now 61, single and live in a cabin in the woods and couldn’t be happier.
Walden.
Greg? Is that u
Seriously appreciate all your insight, it’s immeasurably valuable
This is my first time commenting though I have been listening for awhile. Doing things my own way and not the way expected by people around me at my age really is a solo path - and has cost understanding from family and friends and a shift that is lonely. Yet I regret none of it and hope the right people and opportunities come my way, staying true to who I am. Hearing this talk today is very helpful.
Your video was spot on! Standing out from the crowd isn't always welcomed and can lead to exclusion. However, in the end, you're free and not manipulated like a puppet.
You just explained what I felt and knew that I looked at life differently from my community . I left my country and live my life to my satisfaction. Now I’m successful my friends and family work and benefit from my decisions. I’m true to myself and true to my own beliefs it’s the best decision ever. You can take me or leave me .
That was great advice. I'm old, but when I was young a lot of "friendship" was just being miserable together and complaining about the same things, or seeking escape together. Stop using excuses to waste your time complaining and seeking escape, and start investing in yourself, and you end up with fewer friends, or even none for a while. I've found a very small number of really good friends (trustworthy, and who want me to succeed) is really the best.
can relate
Once you do break away from needing the approval of others it really hits home how little they ever cared about you and how little their reactions matter. Truly liberating. I just wish it hadn't taken so many years to get to that point.
this analysis is almost 100% spot on according to my personal experience
*Almost?* *_Where does it miss the mark?_*
Man, sometimes I feel like your videos are directly addressed to me! Staggering relevance to my life. Thank you so much for sharing the work you do.
"every day millions of people work jobs that they hate, so that they can continue to earn enough to afford to live in a city, to work a job they hate."
-Dr. Orion Taraban
It is the 'straw boss' mentality that was driven by the Industrial Revolution that was inbred into us through epigenetics that takes courage. commitment and dedication to overcome.
Totally clipping this, loved it.
The doc has a wide net in his insights doesn’t he
This is true but does not imply that they could just stop and be happy. You can leave the expensive city to live in the countryside with fewer jobs that you may still hate and a smaller pool of people to pick your friends and lovers from.
"Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off." Tyler Durden, Fight Club.
@@leoMC4384
our great war is a spiritual war.
Spirit. re-spire. in-spire. spiral
all comes back to the breath.
-taylor durden
The truth is unactionable except to the wise. The lips of wisdom are sealed except to the ears of understanding.
This is very beautifully said.
This one definitely resonates with me. I was twice promoted within 2 years of each other and was encouraged by everyone around me to go to graduate school to continue an upward trajectory within my company. Most people would probably just continue on that path to more money and status.... But I learned very quickly that I hate bureaucracy and the excessive amount of time after hours I was expected to work due to being a salaried employee. I also have never really cared about having a "title". I decided life was too short to be worried about what others think and that I valued my free time and peace of mind more than anything. In the end, those who are telling you what your life should be like are not the ones who have to live with the day to day reality of those choices, only you. Thank you Dr. Taraban for sharing your continued knowledge and wisdom!
Tradition is a collection of successful innovations. Cultural expectation and social norms are good for civilization. We are gonna find out pretty soon the reason those social norms were in place.
Great comment. Good ol' common sense. Wholesome thinking.
The Western world is FINISHED.
...and it's also very possible for tradition and culture to get it wrong, in Nigeria in tha past they're cultures that practice FGM (femal genital mutilation), killing of twins (because they believed them to be evil spirits, seeing two persons from one pregnancy instead of one)
I'm not totally discrediting you, I believe we are erasing traditions and cultures too fast especially in the west, just know they can also be wrong
These tradition and cultures didn't fall out of thing air, people made them and people can be wrong
@@ovieiffie7800 FGM can be good if it dramatically reduces female infidelity. That said, it seems pretty macabre to cut off a woman's lady parts.
Chesterton's fence.
@@thickseed that’s a horrific reason for fgm.
Good talk, but I have to add this: it's not just "loneliness" or "lack of approval" that you have to tolerate, it's also shame. Shame is an immensely powerful control mechanism that enforces social conformity (evolutionarily, that seems to be one of its main functions). Shame is a very powerful and painful emotion, but it is also hidden and subtle, so most people don't recognize it. I'm 62, and I've been trying to live my own life for as long as I can remember. I have learned that if I want to do that, it depends on my capacity to tolerate shame, to deal with it, and to move forward anyhow. I understand it's just a short video, so it couldn't go too deep, but I think it's worth recognizing the role of shame in enforcing conformity.
So true! And fear of potential shame
I’m 21 and I struggle to see why anybody would care about shame
You've got a lot to learn.@@user-uc7qb1su4e
True
Shame only works with people whose opinions you respect
I love you Orion... I have been working heavily on myself using your podcasts to be a high value man... Joe with love from Nigeria. I am a Lawyer.
I have a job as a base (100% commission sales job) & do many other things on the side as professional "hobbies". I tend to be ALONE (with my dog) 95% of the time. I DO NOT FEEL LONELY. In fact, small talk and repetitive conversation leads me to get back to something productive. Sometimes I have a lull in between jobs or, like right now recovering from a surgery, the lull makes me need some validation that everything is still good. Thanks for this. Now that i have had both carpel tunnel release surgeries, can feel my fingers again. I can get back to being way more productive again. Knowing yourself and being true to yourself is most telling.
invaluable!
This channel always brings me great internal peace
I got laid off 4 months ago just before beginning a home-build. I then adjusted the plans to be simpler/cheaper where I could build it debt-free, job-free. Submitted the plans last week, hope to have approval to build this summer.
This may be the start of working for myself, or maybe I'll get back into a corporate job another 5-10 years, save, then work for myself at that time.
I have approval from a small handful. Most don't understand that I might be done working for others after a single full-time corporate job that I stuck to for 1/3 of my life. But that's fine.
Missed the "off" during my 1st read. 😅
@@Rickywwxa good start of a story, you know 😏
We polyamorous people call the romantic aspect of this "The Relationship Escalator" -- it starts at the bottom, it ends at the top, the destination is predefined, your progression is automated, and you're not allowed to get off without falling all the way to the bottom and completely starting over.
7:20 "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." The relationships we choose are stronger than the ones we are born into.
Ive had to break up with several old friends the past year and become much more discerning about who I spend my time and energy on.
This saying has been provided wrong to me for so many years. “Blood is thicker than water” is what I was told but as soon as I found and discovered for myself it meant the opposite, which helped me to continued building my own life and only connecting with those of the covenant.
@Life_is_Shorts That's because blood is thicker than water makes no sense.
It is what OP said. Blood of the covenant, water of the womb. Not blood and water. It means that the relationships you build and cultivate yourself will mean more to you than a relationship with someone who just got pushed out the same birth canal as you.
@@The_Love_Doctor_Sean And this is a reply to you just because your comment made me remark. Your view of it is perfect in my opinion.
@@The_Love_Doctor_Sean It's only in the last couple years that all of these old sayings like "the custtomer is always right" have been debunked by unveiling the full phrase, which goes in the complete oppositie of what the edited version says. Almost like it was done insidiously to make people follow a specific behavior.
This quickly rose to the #1 favorite video on this channel because I've been fighting this conflict for 25 years and I've finally chosen the path of freedom and the price was a nice steady paycheck and approval of coworkers and bosses, which I found out (after I took the step or leap of faith) that those things have no value! The fear disappeared once I made my move.
Ah ya, fighting since you were born. Probably fighting the conflict whether to climb out of the vagina or not.
What have you done, what was this path of freedom?
@DigitalAsshat ditching 9 to 5. E-commerce/ my own. I set my hours. I'm also not married and don't have children. I did go for those things, but God, the universe or mother nature deemed it not to be so. Yet. Having those things require or demand major compromises with society. Everything has it's pros & and cons, so I'm not against them. But I've been lucky that someone or something has been protecting me from the wrong woman or keeping me from the right one.(perspective matters) so I don't say that people have chosen the wrong path either way. Married or unmarried. Employed, self-employed, or unemployed. But I am happy in my new phase in life. No boss for 5 months so far. Still can't get over how good that feels. Keep in mind that once you decide on that path, uncertainty enters the picture. Confidence and some work get you through it. I can always go back to being an employee. But I doubt that it will happen.
I'm in the same boat. Unmarried and luckily the gods or whoever has saved me, albeit in less than desirable endings to relationships but hey, life needs a little seasoning at times and water finds its own level. I'm about to make a move of my own. Clarity started to arrive when i read your comment and heard from the Doc that uncertainty and no one's else approval or understanding are the entry prices to pay.
@mann8098 how did you start your own e-commerce? So many scams online its hard to find how to learn.
Yes I agree wholeheartedly. So, the key is to be patient until the people who "get it" come into your life and you have crossed the bridge so to speak
I live my own life with my own path. And I am in peace with me. BUT. When I see the middle class families from suburbs walking around shopping malls I see how geniounly happy they are. Really happy.
They arnt happy. They're terrified of deviating from the life they are locked into. Especially married men
Spot on! Greets from a Diogenes in a rolling barrel! "Real freedom is freedom from the opinions of others. Above all, freedom from your opinions about yourself." - Brennan Manning; "Freedom Isn't Free" - Col. Walter Hitchcock
I’m nodding my head a hundred times here. Great video!
Dead on. Finding a wife who was willing to live in the frame of my journey and change with me along the way to make it OUR journey, outside the realm of the normies as much as possible, has been a big boost in my confidence in my job as the messenger and facing the slings and arrows come with that job.
Hi Dr Orion, I once left a comment on Chris Williamson's channel to interview you as you have a very unique and rare but awesome way of explaining things etc. Don't know if he saw it or not but glad to see you there too.
This video appeared to me on a perfect time, I was having a confused thoughts and I saw that I'm chasing the wrong dopamine, specially from social media. I gave up my content and I stopped showcasing my talents to public. I wanna stop seeking validation from others, and focus on things that matters the most and living my own life. Thank you Dr, you showed me and confirmed to me that I'm on the right path of deviating from the massive. God bless all of you and wish luck for me.❤
Moving to a new city next week. I know zero people. It’s by design. This is such a timely message. Will play on repeat the next few days. Thank you for your wisdom.
When you do it the first time, it's scary.
After the fifth time, it's normal.
I've lived in Kyiv, St. Petersburg, Helsinki, Moscow, Boston MA, Cambridge (UK), London, and Prague.
Thanks for the words. Looking forward to radical growth.
Best of luck to you! I hope it all works out well.
Where are you heading?
I did that. Then after 2 years I ran back to my hometown. After another 2 years in that crime-ridden high-rent mess, I returned to the new city and have been here ever since going on 8 years now. Tip: You will need a ton of local knowledge. Befriend anyone and everyone to get it. You can sort out the wheat from the chaff later.
@@janeentumbao8690 Austin
Finding your own tribe is the hardest thing a person can accomplish..
I am in this process and many members of my tribe are 100's of miles away.
same
More places to visit…..no?
Same here in the UK
This makes so much sense, when I started doing things ny own way a lot of people starting feeling irriated by me, only few stayed because living your own life creates two groups of people envy for your courage or admiration for your courage and very few will be the latter
Yes good point people diverge - it's very black and white how others react. Even those doing similar out there jobs!
@abcd1234.... this is the best time for us to be alive since we can access this kinda information and learn from others mistakes with ease
Totally
@@Shouko-sama
ALL THIS IS KOBE BRYANT ADJACENT.
I couldn't understand or fathom the amount of dedication that dude put into the game of basketball - but thats why people could not beat him at that game, and how come he was so confident in that truth.
Thanks Doc.
Doctor finds new things every day to inform us and teach us.
We need more of this
You believe doctors. IMO doctors are reenforcers of the system.
One of my favourite quotes by Jim Kwik: Have the curiosity to know yourself and the courage to be yourself. What does success mean to us and what are the non-negotiable bumpers that we need to establish to protect and get closer to what we actually want in life. Remember the right decisions are often also the hard decisions, and sometimes the hardest “permission” to seek is not from other people but rather from ourselves…
The ultimate hurdle to overcome in life is the fear of being alone.
what if we genuinely dont want to be alone after long periods of already having it? Whats the alpha red pill tough giy respknse for that?
@@rainbowodysseybyjonlion Then you are going to have to sacrifice your identity, freedom, and values in order to attract and retain other people. You will feel safe but your identity will revolve around the pleasure of others. You will have to give up your relationship with yourself, and you will use the temporary validation of others as sustenance to keep you going. If you fail in your relationships, then you might have nothing from others and from yourself.
@@toxicmale2264 no! Thats 100% false! You do not have to sacrifice your identity and freedom to be in a relationship and all that jazz. Sacrifice means you give up something and never get it back. I can believe the exact same things and have the same values and freedom of movement and freedom of whatever by being in a relationship. I know many people that already have it. You sound seriously bitter dude. LOL! You act like its a soviet or nazi work colony. Give up your freedom and values? Wtf are you talking about bro. lolol
@@rainbowodysseybyjonlion How many years have you been married? Why do married people let themselves go so badly? You become a play thing for a woman, and are walking around like a dog on a leash being used, by a creature with the intelligence of a child. It is never enough to make her happy, because if she was ever satisfied, you would stop working. Do you enjoy being trapped in a relationship where you beg to be treated with respect?
You are delusional. I am describing a lot of sexless marriages.
@@rainbowodysseybyjonlion You are delusional. You, like most married people, have a fantasy that sounds good in theory but have only vague words to describe it. Bitter? I view reality as reality. You are trying to put emotion into something that doesn't need it. You want a relationship? You are going to get used, and you are going to get little in return. Relationships are more transactional than selfless, I am just trying to get you to understand that she doesn't want YOU. She wants what you have to offer her. (second attempt)
I hate that people act envious. I’m genuinely happy for anyone that improves cause they remind me that it’s possible
Yup it was process to go against the norm. I will never forget the expression on the chief’s face when I told him I was in the elite squad because I wanted to learn avout shopping centers high rises hotels and amusement park, NOT to become a supervisor or on management track. He couldn’t believe that I wasn’t interested in climbing ladders. Needless to say I got transferred out of that department and never got promoted till my retirement. My work product was water tight and I treated my product seriously. Of course management didn’t care. The last 5 years I quietly quit, doing enough to not get fired. I just wanted to get 25 years to retire.
You’re right. Without even realizing it we take this path in our lives. As if we are conditioned. It is up to us to make our own decisions about what we want regardless of outside influences.
Resisting the enormous pressure to tow the line politically and socially has been the biggest battle of my life. It took me 40 years to fully understand that I am not obligated to associate with people who bring me down, even if it is family...ESPECIALLY if it's family! Boundaries and thick skin are my best friends.
Excited for your newfound freedom of being yourSelf! If I may; What has helped me tremendously is understanding that there IS a difference between relatives (my blood) and family (my choice).
Socially and Politically? Wait till you add "religion" into the mix.
@@Remember-Death
No matter what it is always have one foot out of it for stability.
I can't stress enough how true everything you said in 9 minutes is. An honest reality behind so many mistakes and lies. Greetings from Budapest, Hungary
Me vs. The World
At first, it sounds scary and overwhelming, but trust me, it is worth trying.
Amazing video 💯💯
Boy, this is so true. Envy of others, counting down their years to retirement each time you talk to them, is the greatest frustration.
Community of shared suffering - So my experience and that of fellow recruits during basic. 😂 I aware that's not what the point of that statement was but it immediately took me back. Looking back at that time I now laugh. I miss my buddies after all these years.
This is so true. It's tough, living your own life. Not only does it take huge self-belief, the consequences of failure can be severe. I could write a book. I'm not doing so.
I was denied human interaction my entire infancy-other than bottle and diaper. Taught this boomer a lot about living my own life-right at the beginning of it! Not so hard, but still a price to pay.
You have to accept that everyone will think you are crazy and no one will understand your vision.
@@sole__doubt... and understand even less so, if your vision fails. That's when the consequences could really set in. Some of us have been fortunate. I've witnessed too many who weren't. It's not a path to be undertaken lightly, in my anecdotal opinion.
@@AnthonyKellett Im 46, several parts of my vision have been failures. Its a solitary life thats why they call me Sole I guess.
You are singing my song on this one! Of all of your videos that I’ve watched this one resonates the most with me. I never married, or had children. I’ve lived a free, spirited, adventurous career oriented life, and definitely have taken the path less traveled. What you say is so true. Many people do not know how to. take me at all or they do not know how to define me, because I am undefinable unlike most people. I am educated with a masters degree and I have done many things, and how many prominent positions, but I have changed jobs often and done a variety of roles in a variety of industries. I have lived life on my own terms as much as one can in this culture. Yes, it has resulted in disapproval, both family and society. I have also experienced ostracization many many times. And it can be a lonely life with only yourself to truly rely on. But at the same time I have had so much freedom joy adventure, plenty of lovers, and lots of amazing experiences that my counterparts can’t even begin to imagine or to live. It takes a bold spirit to not know what tomorrow will hold both personally and professionally and still be OK with that. I would not trade my life path For anything.
Honestly, the most helpful, most motivating, and most grounding channel on TH-cam.
Every word of his is correct, i like this video so much. Thanks for making this video
Boys wake up.
Orion has posted another video.
Ryan Terraband
😂
ya I just woke up.. got noticed by the _SUBSCRiPTION_ 👍highly recommended.
_REKKOmended_ actually.
Best Regards, Your Host Rekko ⚜ urban scavengers
Rush to your screen and watch a video on the virtues of being your own person - just like everyone else is doing! 😜
I just watched this one twice back-to-back. “The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high for the privilege of owning yourself.” -Nietzche
I agree and thank-you.
Man I like this take! I’ve been binge watching your channel since I’ve found it last month. Keep it up.
Holy smokes! Thank you helping me detach and not take it personally when people in my life seemed terrible towards me for taking unconventional paths. They - nor myself aren't the bad guys in this scenario.
This is amazing. I always thought all therapists, especially psychologists, were normalists, who tried to adjust people to the status quo. Freud turned people from neurotics to miserable, normal people. Then at the end of his life, he said he felt like his psychoanalysis had failed. Well, now I feel like the mental health industry can be trusted. Thanks for this!! Lone wolf for life!!
Flying high with the eagles must be lonely and yet rewarding.
It indeed is. Always fly with the eagles. Don't soar with the vultures.
Nope
Eagles fly alone.
@@Cloudyskies7742 As a person who's studied ornithology for over 40 years I can confidently tell you this isn't true.
A good talk. Very true. I have guided my sons in a similar tack to what you speak of. I work on giving the tools to improve themselves, not the rigid blueprint which often leads to unhappiness. But like you say, it's not easy to resist the pressure to conform.
Oh yeah.
Loyalty to a company is as about as rewarded as loyalty is to a wife.
Two of the biggest examples of “what have you done for me lately” if there ever were any at all.
This video is so on point. Literally just went through this today, in the last month of my life. So needed this
One warning about entrepreneurship: it also won't make you rich or happy either. Perhaps marginally but on net basis. Entrepreneurship has a statistical success if less than 2%. .
Yes, this resonated with me so much. I've always been the black sheep of the family but I've always taken pride on how unconventional my choices were. I feel like I am slowly finding my people now.
I feel like my thoughts are synced with this channel. I’ll be pondering a subject and boom new video. Loving it
I appreciate this. Deviating from others expectations, we run the risk of others perpetrating the
Scapegoat mechanism upon those not conforming to their will for you.
You've got the right idea man!
This is very true. The pressure to conform is strong. And once you start to walk that path it is nearly impossible to break the chains of responsibility and expectation. To those feeling out of step, you are not crazy, and you are not truly obligated to kill your dreams for the benefit of others. Make your decision, explain yourself as well as you can, and move out.
Conformity is considered the highest virtue today.
This is why non-approval seeking behavior is admired. It takes courage to step out and walk one's path. Misunderstanding and ridicule are practically promised.
I am a person who chose his own life, and I can tell you that not all my pusuits ‘against’ society norms were succesfull or made me happy. I can even tell you that I understood why society values some behaviours& goals later in life, the hard way. In ones life there is always some level of disatisfaction and suffering. That is where growth comes from. I can see a level of judgement towords people that choose a life in line with society expectation but I know happy & succesfull people who took that path. There are different lessons for different kind of people. No one is absolutely right…we are all work in progress.
Or, as I say, live life that makes sense to you.
Absolutely the truth. It is the story of my life. I will not bore you with the details. But trust me this man is correct.
I'm autistic, I am the epitome of loneliness and individuality. Despite its rewards I am still human, and a human has needs.
Keep the hope alive and work for it my friend, there's no other way!
@Kyle-tz6zwI agree . A healthy relationship is based on teamwork and having each other’s backs. There is no “I “ in team. Until you know how to put another’s needs before your own, you don’t know love. Of course, you will not do that forever, as we all have our own needs to take care of, as well. Many of these men lack the emotional maturity and relational intelligence to be in a successful marriage.
As a wise man once said "I am human and I need to be loved"
100% correct. Thank you for a clear, precise perspective.
Young people: if you ever decide to deviate from the norm to live and work in Japan, you have my full support! Although I am not where I want to be financially at my age, I would not trade the 9 years I lived over there working, studying, and dating for a “secure” life lived only in the US. The experience gave me a resilience that is definitely needed here now.
it's crazy how well you articulate the abstract thoughts I've been recently having about living my own life. Like, it's eerie, but i definitely appreciate the supportive words!
In a previous video, you mentioned that lack of status in society is the main cause of depression. It seems validation from others is a key component of status and this path would likely lead down that path.
This might depend on if you fail or not. Success in a radical endeavor (as viewed by societal norms) will earn you social status. Failure generally will not.
Thanks I think this is the best video, I moved from my country for work and I experienced the freedom I never had, I understood that the cultural narrow mindedness influence us so much and I am the person who cares a lot what my people think.
Meanwhile if I move to your country I'll lose rights thanks for nothing