I found this kids book ('I'm sticking with you') and it perfectly depicts the intimacy overwhelm/abandonment push-pull dynamic of an FA in relationship with an SA: th-cam.com/video/RlX3263Th9w/w-d-xo.html
I'm an FA but have become more secure recently and just finished dating another FA. I really wanted them to stay and try and work through all the emotional turmoil they were feeling, because i also understand what its like from first hand expereince, but they were too overwhelmed and couldn't be bothered. Honestly, now that I'm in no contact, the whole 'goldilocks zone' thing is exhausting and just feels like walking on eggshells and like you are contorting yourself to keep them stable. Sometimes being empathetic towards others isn't enough, considering your own needs is super important and that's what I learned from this most recent experience. I also realised how damaging my own FA patterns can be and was a really humbling thing. I cared for them very deeply but the only way I would take them back is if they did some work on themselves and THEY approached ME. Regardless of attachment style, if someone dumps you and doesn't want to do the work to meet you half way, just stay gone. Putting your own needs first does wonders for your sanity.
I had FA tendency and "dated" an FA for a year and half. They moved on to another. I feel the same as you do. I blocked them, changed my phone numbers, moved to another location. Yet they found out where I lived. During weekend social event (we and their new partner have a huge overlap social group), they said in front of others that I blocked them. I ignored them completely, but they still tried to talk to me and compliment on my hair.
@@lisa4cohen My guess is that they tried to "fix" our relationship. They prefer to do that in private. But since I cut them out completely they had no other way.
@@thomaspan6514 so disrespectful.. I would shrink to pieces. No matter what style attachment we r .. bottom line is we should always be trying to improve ourselves kind of like a religion of just being human.. wishing u well ❤️
An important thing about getting back with an FA ex: you can't have an insecure attachment style yourself. Full stop. An AP or FA leaning anxious will abandon themselves to maintain the goldilocks zone. A DA won't be able to be vulnerable/authentic to have the tough conversations. To be honest, I'm not confident that a secure person would have much patience to tiptoe around their exes triggers like this. It's mentally and emotionally exhausting. Life is unpredictable, and your partner needs to be able work through stressful moments without deactivating, thinking the grass is greener, or running. In my opinion, allowing the FAs coping mechanisms and triggers to perpetuate is only going to lead to more heartbreak somewhere down the line. It isn't possible to reconcile with an FA until they've put the work in themselves and have become somewhat more secure. Until that happens, all you can do is focus on yourself and see how you can improve for your next relationship. Whether that's with them or someone else.
Yes agree. The FA’s needs feel more important cos there are so many variables to consider at all times. I now feel like attachment styles are a way of enforcing unhealthy relationships. We should be taking these lessons and working on ourselves. We can’t expect partners to bend and contort like this. It’s exhausting. It just feels like every ‘wrong’ move you make with an FA is judged and recorded for the potential flight. Yet all your own needs remain pushed down while you show up robust and neutral as possible. So exhausted. I actually think I may be traumatised by the relationship I had with an FA.
@@lifejunk200me too. Secure pushed to anxious because of the hot and cold shenanigans. If I came across this content prior I’d midway I’d have bolted or sat him down and addressed the nonsense straight on to get him to really look at himself and maybe he’d not have run.
Seriously why does someone have to make so much effort and jump through so many hoops to meet an FAs needs especially when you'r trying to fix maladaptive patterns from your childhood from your end. Ive been in a really horrible experience with someone who i really do love and they have self sabotaged the whole time and do all the typical FA behaviours but fail to see them then I compassionately try to walk away and end things only for them to come back 6 months later after nc to try again but they haven't changed one iota. 4 years of the same pattern. Most lovely woman Ive ever known and Ive never loved anyone like her but its like she is frozen in time and is unable to break free of those patterns. Such a shame and absolutely devastating to be on the receiving end of.
because generally on all internet forums FAs get too much leeway. They should be called out for that they do openly. this is honestly very insulting for the other person who has to take FAs sihty behaviour.
No one "has to" take shitty behavior from FAs, or any attachment style for that matter. You're free to walk away any time. And yes, I am an FA. It doesn't justify our hurtful behavior but you can also choose not to tolerate it and put yourself first. I've also had to learn to just draw the line and not accept crap anymore
This! This channel has been psoting so many videos like this, like I thought the point was to work on yourself to becime secure, not going to all of these things to get someone who has to work on themselves!
I’m a former FA and let me tell you , if ur not working on urself and don’t recognize ur FA faults ur useless (duh!) but having said that .. any of these style attachments; if the person is not open to change and growth then they deserve to be walked away from and I was …. So I’m so sorry to u guys , hurt and betrayed by a FA .. I promise their r some good ones out there .. ❤️
Great video as usual. All of it rings true but my FA side keeps thinking "Sure, transparency is massive, but if I struggle to be transparent about my thoughts, fears, and feelings with my partner, I don't deserve any transparency in return."
The fact that you struggle with it, but are aware and care and try to work on it anyway, makes you all the MORE deserving, not less. I hope that helps 💚
For me, I’m an FA I have to feel safe. I have to feel like you’re trustworthy, you’re not going to reject me, you’re not going to leave me, and don’t push me to commit to you, but show me you’re committed to me and accept me and have patience with me. Don’t push and ask what they want…don’t push and ask how they feel. It’s scary to reveal all that. Don’t push someone to commit….its really scary…confusing, I know. It’s not that I don’t want to commit, it’s that it’s frightening to give my heart to someone, instantly fear of rejection and not being good enough / fears about inadequacy sets in. I hope this helps someone, when you wonder what the FA thinks / feels. good luck.
How do you recommend a guy build momentum with female FA when reconnecting? Especially if she isn't reaching out but seems happy to hear from me. Reach out every 2 weeks, or just reach out once and go back to no contact?
So since you are an FA - you wrote the partner (not avoidant) should not push an FA to commitment to the partner BUT on the other hand at the same time EXPECT THAT THE PARTNER IS AND SHOWS COMMITMENT to the FA? What a fing joke! I love my FA Ex but when I am going to pick up my stuff from her, I will give her exactly ONE chance to explain and really talk through things OR she can live with the memories and visions of what could have been...
@@smaimer4974 "be ready to commit to me, but don't try and make me commit to you" I think that's reasonable, and if you're not interested that's your choice, they want someone who is and you want someone who's not that way.
@@smaimer4974 sorry you feel like it's a fing joke. it's hard to explain, but personally when pushed to commit, i feel like i can't trust the person and that it's all too good to be true, it seems too intense, it's too much. if you just keep it cool, relax, show you are into her, genuinely like her, not using her, and aren't going to abandon....then that will work in your favor or at least it would with me. but sorry if my comment upset you, i was really just trying to help....good luck...and your ex might talk it through but to be honest it may take years for her to really realize her feelings or understand why she does things....took me over a decade.....best of luck
I just reached out to my FA after 5 months no contact. She was polite in her response and said she thinks of me sometimes but didn't mention missing me. This triggered my anxious side again and I sent two more messages about how I still have feelings. She responded with saying she is sorry for breaking my heart but being cold and distant. It's like taking to a robot not a human.
@vanessaalbero3237 no. I told her I understand she was scared and let's try face the fears together. I told her I've learnt to be independent and give her space. She said she is sorry that I still love her. She said she is still single and feels will be forever. I said why be single when we can repare what we had, and what we had was amazing. She said no.
@@droflivelife that must be hard :( im sorry for being nosy, it's just that im also was in a situationship with, he is FA i think and i want to reconcile with him, i was the one who dumped him cuz i was hurt when he was pulling away... I hope we both find peace of mind soon
He never said anything hurtful, he was always very loving. We never had one fight in the year we were together. I would always scold him for being inconsistent. He always apologized and said I'll do better but he never worked on himself. He could just never take me in consideration when he triggered my anxious side. I tried understanding his avoidant side and giving him his space and not reaching out. That would trigger his anxious side and start asking if i was seing someone else. It was draining but he really was loving to me all the time. I broke things off and now i feel guilt when i shouldn't beause I was very vocal about these things. If anyone can share anything with me about how I'm feeling, I'd greatly appreciate it
Hi sorry for the late response I am currently a DA working with a therapist on my attachment What made me seek therapy was my last relationship with a FA. If you want to re kindle things reach out, ask to meet with him, try to explain what happened and that you want to repair things, if he does not want to, atleast you will know that you did everything in your part to make it happen. Dont be afraid to been rejected be courageus 👏👏👏
This channel has been psoting so many videos like this, like I thought the point was to work on yourself to becime secure, not going to all of these things to get someone who has to work on themselves!
He came back by himself...I didn't have to do anything. 😂 It took only couple of weeks for that rebound to blow up, tho it was a short-term situationship heading towards relationship between us. Of course he's not even admitting/being conscious about it being a rebound. He just asked for help and when I enlightened him with this channel he asked me how to actually heal. Dream come true, right? Well, not necessarily. Too bad, too late. I warned him when he decided to shut his feelings down and pushed me away - the pattern will repeat itself. 💜
@@droflivelife nah, I didn't want him, another girl rejected him so he orbited back. In my case they really do always come back...not always a good thing. BUT thanks to me he started therapy so maybe he will not hurt anyone anymore. ^^ It's not like I was engaged that heavily since he acted with high toxicity and it didn't last long but thanks for asking!
@Werksonek thanks for the reply. I think males are more likely to come back then females. Mine FA ex is still cold as ice 6 months later and acknowledges I was a nice guy but sorry she broke my heart. I truly hope she finds happiness. I'm not sure when I'll be able to let go.
@@droflivelife I think it's not our person if someone doesn't want to be in our life but I know how hard it can be to move on. I'm definitely FA myself and I generally do not come back if it's done for good and I almost never initiate contact with exes. There is some line of no return but if relationship would be really good then I'd maybe reconsider after years.
Honestly just talk to us. As FA’s we are generally open to communication. Be honest and upfront about your intentions. Then respect if the FA has decided to move on. If you’re anxiously attached, honestly this isn’t a good match. We care about you, but it can burden us too much and it’s hard for us to find the support we need. One thing I struggle with is the guilt over leaving my AP ex. I didn’t want to hurt him. But it was affecting my mental health. I was getting triggered so much and we fought all the time. I felt like I wasn’t enough. I fell into a depression. So I left the relationship. I’m now in a healthy relationship with a securely attached man.
What's it like dating someone secure as an FA? Im also FA but never had a secure partner, ive always been the one working towards being the secure partner. Do you still get the usual hot and cold feelings?
@@13se05 it’s not as emotionally volatile. I don’t feel as much pressure on me. There’s some hot and cold, but it’s not as intense. I suppose that’s the best way to describe it.
FA's generally open to communication? Idk, communication is one of the core challenges FA's have. I am securely attached and had no idea my textbook FA ex was unhappy. We didn't get in fights. I respected her space. But she was unhappy about something to the point where she dumped me and I wasn't given a chance to fix it. After 7 months we are talking again, but man, FA's really struggle with communication from my experience
Thank you for this, Thais! Just like you did an recent video on getting a FA ex back, can you please do the same for getting an DA back? I'd be so grateful as I'm sure many of your other viewers would be.
IMO, it's to keep to yourself. Whether or not you communicate it probably depends on the other person (some might receive it as a threat). I've tried both (keeping it to myself, communicating it) because the FA I'm in love with is a major procrastinator and won't be accountable in many circumstances without deadlines. But I reckon the most important thing is abiding by your own deadline for your own sake, whether they're apprised of it or not.
This video is so helpful! How long after the breakup is it feasible to suggest meeting up/having that coffee? Some advice out there is that it is best to have a pause in communication - even up to a 4 weeks. Is that necessary or can I shorten this time? Greetings from securely attached dating and fearful-avoidant.
Mate I've been there. I broke no contact after 2 weeks. Then I friend zoned myself so to prevent her from dating others while I slowly proved I've changed and for her to want me back. It worked and we were amazing. She was talking kids, marriage, house and then few months later just left. Unfortunately I'm sorry but they will always leave eventually. Mine was always micro cheating to fulfil her needs for attention. But no matter what they will at some point push you away or run away. They might come back 6 to 12 months later to repeat it all again. Let me know how you go.
I found this kids book ('I'm sticking with you') and it perfectly depicts the intimacy overwhelm/abandonment push-pull dynamic of a FA in relationship with a SA: th-cam.com/video/RlX3263Th9w/w-d-xo.html
@@roweme I feel like buying a copy and giving it to my ex. But we had other issues related to FA too. Nothing super bad. Just wish I would have known earlier. Sucks we learn the solutions too late.
@@EdHayes3 I'm so sorry it was a tough break up. It can be a very confusing attachment style to experience - for the person themselves and their partner and, as you say, often solutions are learnt too late. They really should teach this stuff in schools
So what can I do when he comes back and he is the one diving in super fast emotionally then freaking himself out!? How do I help slow him down so he doesn’t get so overwhelmed emotionally. He keeps telling me he doesn’t know what is going on because he has never had all these feelings before. Like he keeps telling me he loves me, he wants us to get married, move in together , never wants to lose me again ect. I’m AP leaning more secure but of course I love hearing all these things. But it’s so upsetting because it quickly leads to him needing space and I don’t hear from him for a few weeks. I really want things to work but I don’t really know how I can help!
@@soumyahegde8571 I feel like he is very slowly making improvements in becoming more balanced. We had a longer period of time before he got triggered. And when he comes back it’s not as frantic as it was initially! I’m just trying to be as stable as possible which is certainly a challenge!!! It’s good for me though so as long as I am doing well mentally and emotionally like this I will continue forward with him. Basically I just don’t do anything when he doesn’t do anything (but I do reach out between 1-2 weeks of no contact from him if it lasts that long) and then when he wants to get super close I have open arms but I don’t run towards him (emotionally if that makes any sense)
@@brennam954 it’s the same 😂 the best things were was when I told him let just be friends so there isn’t so much “pressure “. Everything was exactly the same between us which was not just friends he was still talking about me moving in, telling me he loves me ect but his deactivating times were definitely way less frequent and only a day or two not weeks! So yeah, that was good for about 6 weeks then after we saw eachother and had a really intense deep kind of conversation about our lives and some future stuff ect He cycled back 3 weeks without contact. Then last week texted me and said we had such a great conversation and it made him think about how good we are together even though his mind is telling him he should just wait until his kids are older he thinks that is a defense mechanism. He wants me to move in with him ect then after a few days of texting pretty briefly he is back in hiding again for the past several days. So yeah things are the same more or less but I will say he had been very honest and he is very open about his struggles specifically his fears and how he feels about me. He has told me flat out that he is scared I will hurt him. It’s so sad really. The more I learn about this attachment style the more I understand and empathize. The problem I am having though is my needs are not being met like this. Him ignoring me is something that really doesn’t go well for me. So I am planning to be honest with him about this. If he doesn’t feel like talking he needs to say that or say he doesn’t want to discuss anything relationship wise or something like that instead of just going off grid and if I call or text him a week or 2 later sometimes he responds sometimes he doesn’t so usually I don’t reach out
I had this situation when the day for the first official date was decided 😅 I immediately started panicking and spent the following 3 days disappeared in the dark, fighting my mind that was saying "run immediately, you are not made for relationships, aboard, aboard!" 😅😅 🙄🙄 only because I was already completely lost for this guy. Otherwise, if the feelings are not that strong, it doesn't trigger me like that or it can happen but later on when there are signs of getting real but I can overcome the panick attack almost immediately. If I have strong feelings, it's more of multiple episodes of "what the hell are you doing! You are not made for this", while I fight hard these thoughts (I used to leave the relationship when really young, but at that time I wasn't even aware of why)
@@koala01111986 thank you soooo much for the response. Really so sorry you go through that, the whole situation is just tough for everyone, the FA and the other person. So tough. Good luck
I’m secure (previously anxious and this side comes out occasionally) and the ex of a couple of months is FA. He was very aware of my security and he mentioned this often, he always praised me for this. He then left me for someone else after our relationship was progressing nicely, even though he’d only known this woman for two weeks. Is this saveable? He only left me a couple of weeks ago.
HOW do you win your anxious attachment back. Cuz let me tell you, trust is BROKEN. Abandonment. I will NEVER go back. There is no relationship without trust and it takes SO LONG to build back
Did the AP break up with you? If so, they process the breakup very quickly and it's extremely difficult to win them back unless a lot of time has passed, like a year
What do if she’s in a rebound for a couple weeks. I’ve been in no contact for 5 weeks and it’s been 6 weeks since the breakup. We were together for a year and a half and I think we had a very good relationship together. She’s in an abusive home and suffers from a lot of trauma. She seems happier without me on social media and she’s seeing someone else. I’m so devastated. She’s definitely fa and I’m aa but she was clingy in the relationship also I begged very hard for 5 days until we unadded each other on snap. What do I do?
Bruh he was likely monkey branched not quite the same as a rebound. Focus on yourself, go on a couple dates with other people. You have to unattach from her for your own well being. If you were to get bsck together now you would 100% continue the cycle. You need to emotionally detach to get perspective as you are likely still activated right now. You need to be in a place where you are not thinking about her. Also her rebound will probably last minimum 6 months but its not going to be a proper relationship even if she makes believe it is at the start. She is just getting some immediate needs met which have nothing to do with you, it is all internal for her. You have to eat the pain, come out stronger and let the universe sort it out
Hey you :) This sounds like she’s trying to avoid all forms of pain and confrontation. She’s not 'happier' without you, she’s just feeling a sense of relief as FA‘s feel free and like a weight is taken off their shoulders after a breakup. But this won’t last too long, I can tell you. Fa‘s are good in pushing things away, but not for ever. Maybe she’ll reach out, maybe she won’t. But I tell you, the more you text or push her, the more her avoidant side will be triggered and she’ll back off more. I am an AP and I always went into panic mode when my FA ex broke up with me. So many times I called the whole night, texted, cried on the phone, wrote letters… the more I did it, the more he was frightened… With an FA: when they pull back, you pull back. As shitty as it is, but she really also needs to heal and put some work in, it’s not okay to play with push and pull Game with people. Ah yea, guess when my FA ex reached out after a long time: when I started to let go and not text him at all. Unfortunately, he is still so afraid of me and the pain we caused each other, that he’s rebounding with someone else. FA‘s are so unpredictable- even tho I have compassion for them and every single attachment style, the strategies they use to push other people away are pretty rough. I broke down so many times because of these strategies and I won’t ever let it happen again. They also need to do the work! Hope this helps. ❤️
Move on my dude. I was in the same place as you and theres no winning in this situation. Don't hold onto the hope of her reaching out, have some self respect for yourself , shes seeing someone else which means its time for you to do the same. Theres girls out there who would treat you much better.
Is there any chance to get my FA ex back, when he’s already meeting someone else? He told me that he likes her but it’s not like with me (he told me that in a vulnerable moment and after he completely pushed me away…) I am so hopeless. I really miss him so much and know he’s the love of my life.. I just know. Someone had that situation?
That sounds painful. 😓 Another commenter said that they'd only reconnect if their FA ex was the one to initiate; that might be good advice in your situation. You don't wanna have your heart dragged around while he's trying to decide if he likes someone else entirely. 😕
Depends if you still want them after no contact - no contact is meant to be time to heal and reflect for yourself. Im an FA and I tried really hard to convince my FA ex to reconsider after they dumped me, but it just pushed them further away. Unless you really love them and have already invested a long time in them, I would just let them go. If they come back, it means they had time to process and deescalate. If they don't, it means they're really done. Just make your sanity your priority, trust me. Us FAs can do alot of damage unless we start to work on ourselves
@MaryL. Very true. I'm mostly FA/secure these days but being with another FA recently turned me into an anxious mess. They were a wonderful person tho, i definately dont hate them. It taught me to love myself first and foremost and never settle for hot and cold again. I never want to feel like I'm not good enough for someone again so entering my villain era 😂✌🏻
@@Ellael98 an anxious and FA should not date. We feel lots of empathy about your anxiety -as we know what it feels like. But we also feel the burdens.. and this can be smothering for us. It’s best to find a securely attached person. An FA can’t fulfill your needs and there’s just too much conflict.
@@tuftingpigeon I tried to initiate about 18 months after breakup and didn’t hear back. Then she initiated about 6 months later (2 years after break up) because she heard I was selling my house near her. We were living in different states.
FA's! Does this ring true?
Yesssss , u have taught me to understand and validate me … 🙏🏼❤️
I found this kids book ('I'm sticking with you') and it perfectly depicts the intimacy overwhelm/abandonment push-pull dynamic of an FA in relationship with an SA: th-cam.com/video/RlX3263Th9w/w-d-xo.html
I'm an FA but have become more secure recently and just finished dating another FA. I really wanted them to stay and try and work through all the emotional turmoil they were feeling, because i also understand what its like from first hand expereince, but they were too overwhelmed and couldn't be bothered. Honestly, now that I'm in no contact, the whole 'goldilocks zone' thing is exhausting and just feels like walking on eggshells and like you are contorting yourself to keep them stable. Sometimes being empathetic towards others isn't enough, considering your own needs is super important and that's what I learned from this most recent experience. I also realised how damaging my own FA patterns can be and was a really humbling thing.
I cared for them very deeply but the only way I would take them back is if they did some work on themselves and THEY approached ME.
Regardless of attachment style, if someone dumps you and doesn't want to do the work to meet you half way, just stay gone. Putting your own needs first does wonders for your sanity.
Sanity yes.. boundaries to urself r the most important to empilement.. bc once u set them u see more clearly ..
I had FA tendency and "dated" an FA for a year and half. They moved on to another. I feel the same as you do. I blocked them, changed my phone numbers, moved to another location. Yet they found out where I lived. During weekend social event (we and their new partner have a huge overlap social group), they said in front of others that I blocked them. I ignored them completely, but they still tried to talk to me and compliment on my hair.
@@thomaspan6514 that seems very uncomfortable.. I would be mortified 🥹 what are they trying to prove ? I’m sorry
@@lisa4cohen My guess is that they tried to "fix" our relationship. They prefer to do that in private. But since I cut them out completely they had no other way.
@@thomaspan6514 so disrespectful.. I would shrink to pieces. No matter what style attachment we r .. bottom line is we should always be trying to improve ourselves kind of like a religion of just being human.. wishing u well ❤️
An important thing about getting back with an FA ex: you can't have an insecure attachment style yourself. Full stop.
An AP or FA leaning anxious will abandon themselves to maintain the goldilocks zone. A DA won't be able to be vulnerable/authentic to have the tough conversations. To be honest, I'm not confident that a secure person would have much patience to tiptoe around their exes triggers like this. It's mentally and emotionally exhausting.
Life is unpredictable, and your partner needs to be able work through stressful moments without deactivating, thinking the grass is greener, or running. In my opinion, allowing the FAs coping mechanisms and triggers to perpetuate is only going to lead to more heartbreak somewhere down the line. It isn't possible to reconcile with an FA until they've put the work in themselves and have become somewhat more secure.
Until that happens, all you can do is focus on yourself and see how you can improve for your next relationship. Whether that's with them or someone else.
🙌🏻
This. ❤
Yes agree. The FA’s needs feel more important cos there are so many variables to consider at all times.
I now feel like attachment styles are a way of enforcing unhealthy relationships. We should be taking these lessons and working on ourselves. We can’t expect partners to bend and contort like this. It’s exhausting. It just feels like every ‘wrong’ move you make with an FA is judged and recorded for the potential flight. Yet all your own needs remain pushed down while you show up robust and neutral as possible.
So exhausted. I actually think I may be traumatised by the relationship I had with an FA.
@@lifejunk200me too. Secure pushed to anxious because of the hot and cold shenanigans. If I came across this content prior I’d midway I’d have bolted or sat him down and addressed the nonsense straight on to get him to really look at himself and maybe he’d not have run.
Validation - yes! and transparency - so hugely important for me.
Seriously why does someone have to make so much effort and jump through so many hoops to meet an FAs needs especially when you'r trying to fix maladaptive patterns from your childhood from your end. Ive been in a really horrible experience with someone who i really do love and they have self sabotaged the whole time and do all the typical FA behaviours but fail to see them then I compassionately try to walk away and end things only for them to come back 6 months later after nc to try again but they haven't changed one iota. 4 years of the same pattern. Most lovely woman Ive ever known and Ive never loved anyone like her but its like she is frozen in time and is unable to break free of those patterns. Such a shame and absolutely devastating to be on the receiving end of.
because generally on all internet forums FAs get too much leeway. They should be called out for that they do openly. this is honestly very insulting for the other person who has to take FAs sihty behaviour.
plus most of the narc traits are shown by FA. Stay away from FAs.
No one "has to" take shitty behavior from FAs, or any attachment style for that matter. You're free to walk away any time. And yes, I am an FA. It doesn't justify our hurtful behavior but you can also choose not to tolerate it and put yourself first. I've also had to learn to just draw the line and not accept crap anymore
This! This channel has been psoting so many videos like this, like I thought the point was to work on yourself to becime secure, not going to all of these things to get someone who has to work on themselves!
I’m a former FA and let me tell you , if ur not working on urself and don’t recognize ur FA faults ur useless (duh!) but having said that .. any of these style attachments; if the person is not open to change and growth then they deserve to be walked away from and I was …. So I’m so sorry to u guys , hurt and betrayed by a FA .. I promise their r some good ones out there .. ❤️
Great video as usual. All of it rings true but my FA side keeps thinking "Sure, transparency is massive, but if I struggle to be transparent about my thoughts, fears, and feelings with my partner, I don't deserve any transparency in return."
The fact that you struggle with it, but are aware and care and try to work on it anyway, makes you all the MORE deserving, not less. I hope that helps 💚
I think individuation is really important for all of us as we move towards being our naturally secure selves :)
For me, I’m an FA I have to feel safe. I have to feel like you’re trustworthy, you’re not going to reject me, you’re not going to leave me, and don’t push me to commit to you, but show me you’re committed to me and accept me and have patience with me. Don’t push and ask what they want…don’t push and ask how they feel. It’s scary to reveal all that. Don’t push someone to commit….its really scary…confusing, I know. It’s not that I don’t want to commit, it’s that it’s frightening to give my heart to someone, instantly fear of rejection and not being good enough / fears about inadequacy sets in. I hope this helps someone, when you wonder what the FA thinks / feels. good luck.
How do you recommend a guy build momentum with female FA when reconnecting? Especially if she isn't reaching out but seems happy to hear from me. Reach out every 2 weeks, or just reach out once and go back to no contact?
So since you are an FA - you wrote the partner (not avoidant) should not push an FA to commitment to the partner BUT on the other hand at the same time EXPECT THAT THE PARTNER IS AND SHOWS COMMITMENT to the FA? What a fing joke! I love my FA Ex but when I am going to pick up my stuff from her, I will give her exactly ONE chance to explain and really talk through things OR she can live with the memories and visions of what could have been...
@@smaimer4974 "be ready to commit to me, but don't try and make me commit to you" I think that's reasonable, and if you're not interested that's your choice, they want someone who is and you want someone who's not that way.
@@SoundStage101 if it were me personally, you could keep reaching out once a week. however....see how it goes...it could be a case by case basis
@@smaimer4974 sorry you feel like it's a fing joke. it's hard to explain, but personally when pushed to commit, i feel like i can't trust the person and that it's all too good to be true, it seems too intense, it's too much. if you just keep it cool, relax, show you are into her, genuinely like her, not using her, and aren't going to abandon....then that will work in your favor or at least it would with me. but sorry if my comment upset you, i was really just trying to help....good luck...and your ex might talk it through but to be honest it may take years for her to really realize her feelings or understand why she does things....took me over a decade.....best of luck
I just reached out to my FA after 5 months no contact. She was polite in her response and said she thinks of me sometimes but didn't mention missing me. This triggered my anxious side again and I sent two more messages about how I still have feelings. She responded with saying she is sorry for breaking my heart but being cold and distant. It's like taking to a robot not a human.
But are u guys like back together again?
@vanessaalbero3237 no. I told her I understand she was scared and let's try face the fears together. I told her I've learnt to be independent and give her space. She said she is sorry that I still love her. She said she is still single and feels will be forever. I said why be single when we can repare what we had, and what we had was amazing. She said no.
@@droflivelife that must be hard :( im sorry for being nosy, it's just that im also was in a situationship with, he is FA i think and i want to reconcile with him, i was the one who dumped him cuz i was hurt when he was pulling away... I hope we both find peace of mind soon
@@droflivelife dont want to hurt you but she will not be single forever as she said :)))
How long were u guys together?
He never said anything hurtful, he was always very loving. We never had one fight in the year we were together. I would always scold him for being inconsistent. He always apologized and said I'll do better but he never worked on himself. He could just never take me in consideration when he triggered my anxious side. I tried understanding his avoidant side and giving him his space and not reaching out. That would trigger his anxious side and start asking if i was seing someone else. It was draining but he really was loving to me all the time. I broke things off and now i feel guilt when i shouldn't beause I was very vocal about these things. If anyone can share anything with me about how I'm feeling, I'd greatly appreciate it
Hi sorry for the late response
I am currently a DA working with a therapist on my attachment
What made me seek therapy was my last relationship with a FA.
If you want to re kindle things reach out, ask to meet with him, try to explain what happened and that you want to repair things, if he does not want to, atleast you will know that you did everything in your part to make it happen.
Dont be afraid to been rejected be courageus 👏👏👏
This channel has been psoting so many videos like this, like I thought the point was to work on yourself to becime secure, not going to all of these things to get someone who has to work on themselves!
He came back by himself...I didn't have to do anything. 😂
It took only couple of weeks for that rebound to blow up, tho it was a short-term situationship heading towards relationship between us. Of course he's not even admitting/being conscious about it being a rebound. He just asked for help and when I enlightened him with this channel he asked me how to actually heal. Dream come true, right? Well, not necessarily. Too bad, too late. I warned him when he decided to shut his feelings down and pushed me away - the pattern will repeat itself. 💜
Question is, did it last, will it last?
@@droflivelife nah, I didn't want him, another girl rejected him so he orbited back. In my case they really do always come back...not always a good thing. BUT thanks to me he started therapy so maybe he will not hurt anyone anymore. ^^ It's not like I was engaged that heavily since he acted with high toxicity and it didn't last long but thanks for asking!
@Werksonek thanks for the reply. I think males are more likely to come back then females. Mine FA ex is still cold as ice 6 months later and acknowledges I was a nice guy but sorry she broke my heart. I truly hope she finds happiness. I'm not sure when I'll be able to let go.
@@droflivelife I think it's not our person if someone doesn't want to be in our life but I know how hard it can be to move on. I'm definitely FA myself and I generally do not come back if it's done for good and I almost never initiate contact with exes. There is some line of no return but if relationship would be really good then I'd maybe reconsider after years.
I really love your channel. Every point you discuss I keep nodding, yes, yes, yes
Awww thank you!! Glad you like the channel ❤
It is really helpful to understand individual differences and self validation.
Honestly just talk to us. As FA’s we are generally open to communication. Be honest and upfront about your intentions. Then respect if the FA has decided to move on. If you’re anxiously attached, honestly this isn’t a good match. We care about you, but it can burden us too much and it’s hard for us to find the support we need. One thing I struggle with is the guilt over leaving my AP ex. I didn’t want to hurt him. But it was affecting my mental health. I was getting triggered so much and we fought all the time. I felt like I wasn’t enough. I fell into a depression. So I left the relationship. I’m now in a healthy relationship with a securely attached man.
What's it like dating someone secure as an FA? Im also FA but never had a secure partner, ive always been the one working towards being the secure partner. Do you still get the usual hot and cold feelings?
@@13se05 it’s not as emotionally volatile. I don’t feel as much pressure on me. There’s some hot and cold, but it’s not as intense. I suppose that’s the best way to describe it.
@@tinkerz72 sounds like the dream! Happy for you xx
FA's generally open to communication? Idk, communication is one of the core challenges FA's have. I am securely attached and had no idea my textbook FA ex was unhappy. We didn't get in fights. I respected her space. But she was unhappy about something to the point where she dumped me and I wasn't given a chance to fix it. After 7 months we are talking again, but man, FA's really struggle with communication from my experience
Open to communication? Are you sure that your a full blown FA?
Thank you for this, Thais! Just like you did an recent video on getting a FA ex back, can you please do the same for getting an DA back? I'd be so grateful as I'm sure many of your other viewers would be.
I love the analogy of goldilocks zone!!
Should the deadline be agreed upon or should it be kept to ourselves?
IMO, it's to keep to yourself. Whether or not you communicate it probably depends on the other person (some might receive it as a threat). I've tried both (keeping it to myself, communicating it) because the FA I'm in love with is a major procrastinator and won't be accountable in many circumstances without deadlines. But I reckon the most important thing is abiding by your own deadline for your own sake, whether they're apprised of it or not.
These people need therapy period, if they do not want to then DO NOT waste your time! It's pointless
This video is so helpful! How long after the breakup is it feasible to suggest meeting up/having that coffee? Some advice out there is that it is best to have a pause in communication - even up to a 4 weeks. Is that necessary or can I shorten this time? Greetings from securely attached dating and fearful-avoidant.
Mate I've been there. I broke no contact after 2 weeks. Then I friend zoned myself so to prevent her from dating others while I slowly proved I've changed and for her to want me back. It worked and we were amazing. She was talking kids, marriage, house and then few months later just left. Unfortunately I'm sorry but they will always leave eventually. Mine was always micro cheating to fulfil her needs for attention. But no matter what they will at some point push you away or run away. They might come back 6 to 12 months later to repeat it all again. Let me know how you go.
Hi Thais will you be uploading more guided reprogramming in the future? I can't afford pds
I found this kids book ('I'm sticking with you') and it perfectly depicts the intimacy overwhelm/abandonment push-pull dynamic of a FA in relationship with a SA: th-cam.com/video/RlX3263Th9w/w-d-xo.html
That made me cry I (SA) mis my FA ex.
@@EdHayes3 It's gently, poignantly spot on isn't it 😢
@@roweme I feel like buying a copy and giving it to my ex. But we had other issues related to FA too. Nothing super bad. Just wish I would have known earlier. Sucks we learn the solutions too late.
@@EdHayes3 I'm so sorry it was a tough break up. It can be a very confusing attachment style to experience - for the person themselves and their partner and, as you say, often solutions are learnt too late. They really should teach this stuff in schools
Hopefully you'll do the same topic regarding DAs🙏🙏🤔
So what can I do when he comes back and he is the one diving in super fast emotionally then freaking himself out!? How do I help slow him down so he doesn’t get so overwhelmed emotionally. He keeps telling me he doesn’t know what is going on because he has never had all these feelings before. Like he keeps telling me he loves me, he wants us to get married, move in together , never wants to lose me again ect. I’m AP leaning more secure but of course I love hearing all these things. But it’s so upsetting because it quickly leads to him needing space and I don’t hear from him for a few weeks. I really want things to work but I don’t really know how I can help!
I Was in a very similar situation as urs an year ago...howz it going with you now..???
@@soumyahegde8571 I feel like he is very slowly making improvements in becoming more balanced. We had a longer period of time before he got triggered. And when he comes back it’s not as frantic as it was initially! I’m just trying to be as stable as possible which is certainly a challenge!!! It’s good for me though so as long as I am doing well mentally and emotionally like this I will continue forward with him. Basically I just don’t do anything when he doesn’t do anything (but I do reach out between 1-2 weeks of no contact from him if it lasts that long) and then when he wants to get super close I have open arms but I don’t run towards him (emotionally if that makes any sense)
Do you have an update, Nicole?
@@brennam954 it’s the same 😂 the best things were was when I told him let just be friends so there isn’t so much “pressure “. Everything was exactly the same between us which was not just friends he was still talking about me moving in, telling me he loves me ect but his deactivating times were definitely way less frequent and only a day or two not weeks! So yeah, that was good for about 6 weeks then after we saw eachother and had a really intense deep kind of conversation about our lives and some future stuff ect He cycled back 3 weeks without contact. Then last week texted me and said we had such a great conversation and it made him think about how good we are together even though his mind is telling him he should just wait until his kids are older he thinks that is a defense mechanism. He wants me to move in with him ect then after a few days of texting pretty briefly he is back in hiding again for the past several days. So yeah things are the same more or less but I will say he had been very honest and he is very open about his struggles specifically his fears and how he feels about me. He has told me flat out that he is scared I will hurt him. It’s so sad really. The more I learn about this attachment style the more I understand and empathize. The problem I am having though is my needs are not being met like this. Him ignoring me is something that really doesn’t go well for me. So I am planning to be honest with him about this. If he doesn’t feel like talking he needs to say that or say he doesn’t want to discuss anything relationship wise or something like that instead of just going off grid and if I call or text him a week or 2 later sometimes he responds sometimes he doesn’t so usually I don’t reach out
Not an FA, but you could tell him that you want to move slowly.
Hi Thais - has even the notion of a "date" and "dating expectations" ever triggered you or an FA to run away after previously expressing interest?
I had this situation when the day for the first official date was decided 😅 I immediately started panicking and spent the following 3 days disappeared in the dark, fighting my mind that was saying "run immediately, you are not made for relationships, aboard, aboard!" 😅😅 🙄🙄 only because I was already completely lost for this guy. Otherwise, if the feelings are not that strong, it doesn't trigger me like that or it can happen but later on when there are signs of getting real but I can overcome the panick attack almost immediately. If I have strong feelings, it's more of multiple episodes of "what the hell are you doing! You are not made for this", while I fight hard these thoughts (I used to leave the relationship when really young, but at that time I wasn't even aware of why)
@@koala01111986 thank you soooo much for the response. Really so sorry you go through that, the whole situation is just tough for everyone, the FA and the other person. So tough. Good luck
Heres some advice. Just let these people keep it moving and date somebody else.
I’m secure (previously anxious and this side comes out occasionally) and the ex of a couple of months is FA. He was very aware of my security and he mentioned this often, he always praised me for this. He then left me for someone else after our relationship was progressing nicely, even though he’d only known this woman for two weeks. Is this saveable? He only left me a couple of weeks ago.
How to react if a FA tell you that he miss you and think of you all the time …but he still dealing with some stuffs
What do you do when it applies to a DA?
HOW do you win your anxious attachment back. Cuz let me tell you, trust is BROKEN. Abandonment. I will NEVER go back. There is no relationship without trust and it takes SO LONG to build back
Wait… are you the FA?
Did the AP break up with you? If so, they process the breakup very quickly and it's extremely difficult to win them back unless a lot of time has passed, like a year
@@talktalk3 what? 😄Anxious preoccupied people are usually the ones that take the longest time to process and heal!!!
@@Ellael98 No, they tend to process things more quickly. Check out Thais's video on winning back an anxious person
@@talktalk3 I am AP and it takes me a YEAR already and I am still not over it. Definitely not true. I never heard her saying that without context
What do if she’s in a rebound for a couple weeks. I’ve been in no contact for 5 weeks and it’s been 6 weeks since the breakup. We were together for a year and a half and I think we had a very good relationship together. She’s in an abusive home and suffers from a lot of trauma. She seems happier without me on social media and she’s seeing someone else. I’m so devastated. She’s definitely fa and I’m aa but she was clingy in the relationship also I begged very hard for 5 days until we unadded each other on snap. What do I do?
Do I stay in no contact or reach out even though she’s talking to someone rn but I don’t think they’re official and he definitely seems like a rebound
Bruh he was likely monkey branched not quite the same as a rebound. Focus on yourself, go on a couple dates with other people. You have to unattach from her for your own well being. If you were to get bsck together now you would 100% continue the cycle. You need to emotionally detach to get perspective as you are likely still activated right now. You need to be in a place where you are not thinking about her. Also her rebound will probably last minimum 6 months but its not going to be a proper relationship even if she makes believe it is at the start. She is just getting some immediate needs met which have nothing to do with you, it is all internal for her. You have to eat the pain, come out stronger and let the universe sort it out
Hey you :) This sounds like she’s trying to avoid all forms of pain and confrontation. She’s not 'happier' without you, she’s just feeling a sense of relief as FA‘s feel free and like a weight is taken off their shoulders after a breakup. But this won’t last too long, I can tell you. Fa‘s are good in pushing things away, but not for ever. Maybe she’ll reach out, maybe she won’t. But I tell you, the more you text or push her, the more her avoidant side will be triggered and she’ll back off more. I am an AP and I always went into panic mode when my FA ex broke up with me. So many times I called the whole night, texted, cried on the phone, wrote letters… the more I did it, the more he was frightened…
With an FA: when they pull back, you pull back. As shitty as it is, but she really also needs to heal and put some work in, it’s not okay to play with push and pull Game with people.
Ah yea, guess when my FA ex reached out after a long time: when I started to let go and not text him at all.
Unfortunately, he is still so afraid of me and the pain we caused each other, that he’s rebounding with someone else.
FA‘s are so unpredictable- even tho I have compassion for them and every single attachment style, the strategies they use to push other people away are pretty rough. I broke down so many times because of these strategies and I won’t ever let it happen again. They also need to do the work!
Hope this helps. ❤️
Move on my dude. I was in the same place as you and theres no winning in this situation. Don't hold onto the hope of her reaching out, have some self respect for yourself , shes seeing someone else which means its time for you to do the same. Theres girls out there who would treat you much better.
@@timmyturner3522agreed
Is there one for DA too?
Is there any chance to get my FA ex back, when he’s already meeting someone else? He told me that he likes her but it’s not like with me (he told me that in a vulnerable moment and after he completely pushed me away…) I am so hopeless. I really miss him so much and know he’s the love of my life.. I just know. Someone had that situation?
That sounds painful. 😓 Another commenter said that they'd only reconnect if their FA ex was the one to initiate; that might be good advice in your situation. You don't wanna have your heart dragged around while he's trying to decide if he likes someone else entirely. 😕
So If an FA ended the relationship should the Dumpee contact the FA after no contact to rekindle the relationship?
Depends if you still want them after no contact - no contact is meant to be time to heal and reflect for yourself. Im an FA and I tried really hard to convince my FA ex to reconsider after they dumped me, but it just pushed them further away. Unless you really love them and have already invested a long time in them, I would just let them go. If they come back, it means they had time to process and deescalate. If they don't, it means they're really done. Just make your sanity your priority, trust me. Us FAs can do alot of damage unless we start to work on ourselves
💜
as a FA we are like butterflies.. if we want we will come back if not u will never see us again
Horrible for AP‘s. Triggers the hell out of them…
horrible statement full stop. So selfish
@@Ryan-yg7zc PDS has liked their comment lol. see what i am saying in my above comment?
@MaryL. Very true. I'm mostly FA/secure these days but being with another FA recently turned me into an anxious mess. They were a wonderful person tho, i definately dont hate them. It taught me to love myself first and foremost and never settle for hot and cold again. I never want to feel like I'm not good enough for someone again so entering my villain era 😂✌🏻
@@Ellael98 an anxious and FA should not date. We feel lots of empathy about your anxiety -as we know what it feels like. But we also feel the burdens.. and this can be smothering for us. It’s best to find a securely attached person. An FA can’t fulfill your needs and there’s just too much conflict.
Im unfriended on snapchat two months now, is it over?
Be serious 😂
Sometimes things are never over. Two months isn’t that long. I reconnected with an ex after two years!
@@kellyjford1 its gone almost 8 months now, still unfriended and not heard from her
@@kellyjford1 may i ask who initiated dialog? you or your FA ex ?
@@tuftingpigeon I tried to initiate about 18 months after breakup and didn’t hear back. Then she initiated about 6 months later (2 years after break up) because she heard I was selling my house near her. We were living in different states.