I'm straight cis white male (the privilege checklist) and most of this video landed exactly on what I've been having to learn and unlearn about myself for the last several years. Men are raised to believe that winning a physical fight when angry is more virtuous than crying when sad. Even if in your teen years you decide that your father is actually not a great role model, that's still the male archetype that you see every day during the years in which your brain is developing. Not only will you pick up some maladaptive behaviors, but while you're living in the home that made you the way you are, it's not a super helpful environment for deprogramming said behaviors (if you are fortunate enough to be able to identify the problems at that time). I've come to the conclusion that childhood trauma occurs for every child in every household, and that most of it impacts us negatively later in life. Our parents, being products of their own trauma, often do not understand how they pass down harmful ideas and behaviors that were given to them in youth. All of this amounts to a cloud of frustration and confusion. There's a reason teenagers are stereotypically pissed off, jaded, distant, etc. It's the age at which we begin to realize that things are very wrong, but with this awakening comes massive confusion, and the adults who created the wrongs cannot (for various reasons) help the teen to reverse them. The most difficult part, in hindsight, is that it's not like there's a left path and a right path. Any direction you go, you don't know what's next, and that largely remains true throughout our lives. I think this aligns with the video's comments about vulnerability. When we're lost in the woods, the risk averse decision, for a while, is to not move, for fear of getting further lost. However, if we stay in the woods not moving, we'll die of exposure, thirst, get eaten by a bear, etc. It's difficult to navigate but gets a little easier with age (I'm 33 and love myself at 33 way more than I did at 26).
I think you're spot on. There are definitely good parents and bad parents, but there are no perfect parents, and we're all going to carry things forward from childhood that we have to unpack, even those of us who come from healthy homes. Learning to love yourself is absolutely a journey, and I'm glad yours has been moving in the right direction. 💙
I’m a trans guy in highschool so thank u for this. Helped me figure out why I was acting the way I was, and being comfortable with my feminine side. I’m a black boy so my experience will be different than yours but nevertheless thank you
14:48 i can't even begin to tell you how fucking vindicated that made me feel. You almost got me crying at work Edit: strike almost. I have cried at work 😭. Add: I vividly remember when i was around 5 and it was valentines day. I told my mom happy valentines day and i love her ( I'm a huge mama's boy and was a lonely child so my mom always agreed to be my valentine) and remember asking her " can i go tell dad" she smiled and said "lets go tell dad." I remember walking up to him and saying "Happy valentines day dad, i love you" I remember him dropping to one knee sternly grabbing my shoulder and giving me a look i could never place. It wasn't anger or disappointment but it definitely wasn't good. He looked me in the eye and said "Don't you EVER say Happy Valentines day to another man, you hear me" I now recognize what that look was in hindsight. Fear. And through this and several other occurrences he passed that fear to me. My whole life i dreaded even the thought that i MIGHT be gay. Thinking the question " Am i gay " was almost physically painful. In the schools i went to if you were asked that question and you thought about it (even if the answer was resounding no) it would be a tacit "admission". I'm 27 now and it took 20 years to finally gain enough courage to even ask the question to myself ( to my self and in my own head where no one could see mind you). All that pain, fear, derision, and self loathing to finally get an answer to question that had been hounding me for so long "Are you gay" "...No." .... just like that. No performance. No incredulous self doubt. No pangs of anxiety. Just no followed by this wave of.... peace i guess( i still don't what that feeling was but holy shit it felt good). While it's only a single branch trimmed from the tree that is my pain. This one thing i was able to confront gave me so much of something i was completely lacking. Security. For the first time i was able be what i was( cis het) without having to preform it for the sake of others. I am exactly what i was before i answered the question. Human. I just now know that I am that why cause that's what i want. Thank you for this video. It gave credence to things i already knew but couldn't fully appreciate still. This felt like the last finishing coat on a good painting.
Interesting, you maybe forgot to mention that the fear of femininity can stem from the fear of abuse. I always saw that being girly exposes you to bad things happening to you . A childhood friend got murdered, and everyone said she was TOO feminine and not clothed enough... I saw the difference in the street between wearing a skirt and being harassed by strangers and followed at night, and being confortable in baggy shorts alone at 3 am. Now that I pass I feel such a relief! Reality is that being feminine is dangerous, and for a pre-T trans guy it only adds to the distress of being the invisible man. I didn't mind being punched because the dude didn't like me, but I did fear being assaulted by the dude for being the girl I wasn't. I lived 50 years in fear... Now I'm free. Femininity isn't bad in itself, but too often does it come with danger. Girl=prey still. It's a large part of why we tend to avoid it. I don't mean makeup or painted nails, I mean the whole girly demeanor and girly clothes. People instantly treat you like a piece of meat to be consumed, and THAT what's scary.
This. I stopped wearing skirts and dresses long before the egg cracked, not because I minded the perceived femininity of it, but because it made me feel like harassment magnet. And it was. The few times in my 20s I had to wear a dress or a skirt (events like weddings, and the last time was a cosplay, which was a big mistake -- should've kept to crossplay) I was manhandled and touched without consent so much that it still makes me shudder in my late 30s, and at the time I was blamed for it because apparently I "asked for it" by wearing "alluring" clothes (never mind that the cosplay, for example, was of Robin Sena, who is a nun).
@@kaworunagisa4009, "harassment magnet" 😝 lol! I couldn't find a better term! I forgot to mention that flamboyant gay boys and closeted trans women are at risk too, simply by being very feminine openly. Society is sick...
This is a very good point, and so distressing in its implications. I don't know if this was true for me necessarily, as I was always a fairly masculine child and adolescent, and very much in a masculine-presenting phase of my life when I grappled with harm of that nature, so I'm leery of speaking to it directly in the context of my own experience. The perceived vulnerability of femininity is definitely scary for very tangible, external reasons, though, you're spot on.
As a young child it became very clear that feminine clothing was vulnerable by design. As a young AFAB child, wearing feminine clothing was impractical for play running, biking, and climbing trees. Things were more dangerous in the fragile, more restrictive, and tangling clothes. Around 12, I started exploring and wearing feminine clothes to school rather than only for special occasions. I learned then that wearing feminine clothing made boys annoying in class and also made it dangerous to walk home from the bus stop alone. At the same time, I was occasionally put in the "male box" by strangers and became extremely aware of the better treatment it got me from those adults. It never bothered me except that when my friends corrected them (I was never inclined to) the behavior would instantly change towards me. The injustice of sexism was readily apparent. Plus there was a slight thrill of transgression for being treated that way having been raised in a very conservative town. My version of feminine rejection revolved around rejecting feminine things that were "not practical" or useful. Girls were only "dumb" in that they chose to do "unessecsry things" that also increased their vulnerability. Consequently, I also thought macho compititons and getting into fights rather than letting things go was dumb. But there are just so many more things labeled as feminine that I thought "caused extra vulnerability" and unable to see vulnerability as a strength. So I ended up using "girly" derisively, while owning ALL the Lisa Frank unicorn notebooks and other such feminine things which were "girly but okay" since they didn't increase vulnerability. I must have been insufferable. 😅 Heck I might still be.
While I was watching this, I actually thought about the "Man Enough" podcast. I remember when it first came out and I promoted it to my men friends. I was thinking, as you spoke, "I wonder if it's still running?" I loved that it dealt with diverse contexts of men--race, gender diversity, orientation, etc. And it was good to hear you recommend it at the end as a resource. I hope this helps some other men. I know for me, as a cis woman, I'm helped by hearing outcomes of transition stories from people who are privileged enough to experience being socially coded as their gender after transitioning. It tells me a lot about myself to hear about privilege lost or gained in that coding shift to/from male/female. I always learn something about cis gender roles from trans insight into those experiences. And I very much appreciate the validation I get from hearing trans women or trans men saying "You're not imagining it, you really are being treated socially as 'less than' in your life as a woman." So, you're not just helping other men, but also women.
This is wonderful to hear, thank you so much. I think I sometimes get caught up on cis people who are threatened by our experiences, and it's arguably far more important to exemplify cis people who are inspired by and interested in them. Deconstructing gender roles and double standards benefits all of us so much.
@@FinntasticMrFox I absolutely think the focus should be on cis people who are less likely to "get it". I, personally, don't expect cookies from the very low bar of "trying not to be transphobic". I think those of us (at least I hope I can include myself) who are working to educate ourselves and come to spaces like the one you are creating, don't need the focus and attention nearly as much. Work needs to happen where it does the most good and has the most impact. I certainly appreciate your acknowledgement. But I don't expect trans people to spend their time and energy praising cis people who, whether I like it or not, benefit from your oppression. Just as I wouldn't expect a Black activist to spend time praising white people who are anti-racist. Or a woman to spend time praising men who are feminists. I expect people in groups that are oppressed to focus on areas that can be improved. I've actually started to focus my efforts on equity to people who are interested but need just a bit more of an educational push to understand better. So, people with the heart for it, who just need help with understanding. I have less impact on overt bigots, and view those who "get it" as not really needing too much help from me. I think the biggest progress is where people /want/ to do better, but aren't sure how. That being said, if someone is working using another philosophy that seems to be improving things, I respect that and wish them luck--because I don't argue with success. And maybe later I'll change focus, but that's where I'm at, at the moment.
@@athomeinmyhead Very, very true. I more mean that normalizing being informed to the point that it’s “weird” not to be, y’know? It does also help to engage with self-aware allies when it comes to staying hopeful and motivated. You are absolutely spot on about the whole “basic decency” points (or cookies), though, and the importance of acknowledging that anti-racism and anti-transphobia/homophobia require work. It’s not enough to simply not be a perpetrator.
I'm happy that you put this out there, because even though I'm not a trans man, being transmasculine doesn't feel too far off for a lot of us in our experiences.
"Main character syndrome." OUCH! That one landed. Hard. Your comments on your avoidance of femininity as a form of misogyny is a brain twister. I'm amazed that you've been able to undo that very complicated knot. "Living as a woman made me a better man." Your ability as a man to base your observations on manhood and masculinity as someone assigned and raised female at birth is a f*cking superpower. Vulnerability literally means "able to be wounded." Scary stuff.
Thank you, TJ. I think we all have very complicated thinking to untangle, and training to unlearn. It's encouraging to hear from so many people who are doing the work as well, from all sorts of different experiences.
Transfemme enby here, confirming that embracing traditionally "feminine" things has been a long, frequently terrifying process. I had a full-blown existential meltdown the first time I heard a "girly" pop song and realized I liked it; Up until that point, music like that had always made me feel jealous more than anything else, which manifested itself as anger because OF COURSE it did, so I thought I hated entire genres that I actually love and that really help calm my anxiety.
At some point before coming out, I broke up with my boyfriend at the time. He had told me that I never shared my feelings, but also that my feelings were too much to handle once they were shared. I didn't know to call it that at the time, but this, being told I was a bad partner "in the way a man would be a bad partner" gave me a lot of euphoria, even if it hurt. Getting rid of all that internalised toxic masculinity, being more open, and communicative was absolutely one of the most important steps toward realising I am transmasc. Your comments about that really resonated with me.
Found this video through reddit - as you may have already been aware of your video got posted to the menslib sub which is a community for Pro-LGBT and Feminist discussions of mens issues, and there was some really good discussion from some other trans men about their struggles regarding their perceived place in male and female circles. I really loved hearing your thoughts. As an AMAB neurodivergant person I struggled with my relationship to maleness and masculinity for most of my life, very much aware that I wasn't filling any of the 'expected' molds - I was emotional, hated conflict (still do!), hated physicality etc. It was only in my early 20s thanks to a very compassionate and kind friendship circle that I really started to examine my masculinity more closely. I initially thought it was mostly due to grappling with defining my sexuality, and it was several years down the line after getting comfortable with identifying as bi that I realised there was something more to it. I'm still trying to figure things out - currently I'm vaguely identifying as some flavour of he/they nonbinary - but a big part of this examination came down to that weird conflict between masculinity and femininity and how they so often feel artificially made to be at odds with each other. It's really interesting to hear from someone who came form the opposite direction through exploring femininity instead. So yeah, great vid. Easy sub, and I hope you keep growing in future! Going to check through your backlog now :)
I don't think you should worry about the video becoming too long. I think hour-long video essays are pretty average on the left side of youtube. I for one would watch it. Also I'm nonbinary and a lot of the 'distancing yourself from femininity' really resonates. I did the same thing.
It's so sad that so many of us, regardless of gender, seem to do so. There's something so powerful about embracing femininity for that reason. And that's a good point about video essays. I say "too long" like I don't eagerly tune in every time a creator I like drops a new feature length deconstruction. 😅
Being vulnerable is a privldege. Most times I'm vulnerable toward people I get invalidated or shut down. I've unlearnt the toxic stuff, feels like no one else wants to
" I think it's important to honestly ask ourselves if mindlessly following some of these thought-leaders gives us perspective on anything other than their coattails" hot damn thats a good line
Hey, I just want to say that as a cis man, I've sought you (and other trans men) out specifically because of your considered and nuanced takes on masculinity, and I find them very valuable. Thanks for your videos!
"I went through a 'not like other girls' phase, which turned out to be true, because I'm a dude" I loved that discussion of how that can be a reaction to living in a restricted gender role, although it's not a healthy reaction and it just ends up with your identity being about what you're not rather than finding out who or what you are. I have a lot of sympathy for the "not like other girls" kids because I think they've become an acceptable target for mockery when they're probably just going through their own issues with identity (like I did with neurodivergence, sexuality, and gender). This was great, also Jessie Gender sent me!
Thank you for stopping by to check things out! And for this comment. The teasing toward the "not like other girls" mentality isn't something I'd really examined before, but you're so right. At the end of the day, it's a display of pain and insecurity, and mockery is not going to help them or anyone else.
When I was still pretending to be cis. And had a soft coming out about liking “girly things” in college. I got thrown back into the closet before I could get out that I was trans. What this did do for me was help me be vulnerable and put down a lot of toxic masculinity baggage I was letting society force me to lug around. Finn I really look forward to possibly talking sometime in the future. Being a enby trans woman early into medical transition, I have so much to say and it’s so enlightening seeing your experiences as a trans masc. You are ahead of me in transition, but part of me just feels like the other side of this gender coin were flipping 💙💗🤍💗💙
I'd love to talk about this more! Talking to other trans people in general is always a delight, and it's really interesting comparing and contrasting the transfemme and transmasc experiences.
Omg 😱 FOX! “Can we really claim to be strong if we’re afraid of gentleness itself” I’ve talked about fragile masculinity a lot, but that was beautiful. Thank you ☺️
I am *still* deathly afraid of reaching out to other people for any reason, still hung up on trying to make everything happen by myself, even knowing that where that isn't totally impossible it will still put me in the grave. Because "real men" don't need anybody else or they're worthless. And if you're expecting any one else to give things to you or collaborate with you, you're dense as lead. It's the single most pernicious factor of toxic masculinity and I can't shake that off, even now fully out and transitioning. I am not a man At All, and yet a vein of rot goes all the way down to my core that agitates when I think to try and ask for any sort of help. Whenever I'm upset and it happens to make my partner upset, then I can flip my emotions off instantly and be the calm contemplative rock that (I hope) helps them calm down. I do think this is a remnant of pretending to be a man that helps. Being able to immediately center myself when the situation beyond myself grows tense certainly has its value. It doesn't help my dysphoria after the fact, unfortunately. I don't know if this adds anything pertinent to the video. This is just a rare place where I feel there is any amount of space for me.
Have you considered therapy? I reached out for help. But I waited dealing with dysphoria all on my own thru my 20s and it wasn’t until my mid 30s I started therapy. 1000% helps you unpack things especially if you already know what baggage your holding onto, just need help putting it down.
You are welcome (encouraged!) to use this space and share your experiences, thoughts, and feelings. I really appreciate you doing so. I agree with Em that therapy is incredibly helpful, though I know it's not always an option for folks because of accessibility barriers. Something that helped me was to keep in mind that sometimes asking for help can be helpful in itself. Letting people we love help us when we need it shows our trust in them, and helps them feel stronger and more capable. I think Mr. Rogers said it best: “Taking care is one way to show your love. Another way is letting people take good care of you when you need it.”
here from jessiegender's video. one minute in and i'm already tearing up, lol. I'm turning 30 this sept and still haven't started my medical or legal transition. mourning the boyhood, heck, the young manhood I've missed out on, living too lives with my family vs friends. finishing the video. i really thought you were much younger than me, so hearing that you came out at 28 hit me like a brick (in a good way, like "oh. oh shit, i can do this") For me i remember envying kurt from glee and all the effeminate gay men in early aughts media being able to enjoy all the "fun" parts of femininity but not have to like. BE a woman. (I can't put in words what I mean) it felt unfair, it felt like I was deprived. I'm starting my medical transition this year and i'm so fucking ready. I'm scared af but it's time to get hit by my van.
You absolutely can do this, and I'm so, so happy for you! It's scary and exhausting sometimes, but it's worth it and *you're* worth it. There are so many bright, beautiful days ahead of you, my friend. 💙
You absolutely can do this! I came out as a trans man at 31, and started T at 32. I had top surgery in March, and today is my 35th birthday. It’s never, NEVER too late ❤️
Watched this and I almost cried. I had a very similar experience growing up. I rejected femininity with such a fervent anger and I didn't really have a good reason why. But since coming out as a transman I became a lot more comfortable with it. And a small part of me was wondering if I was lying to myself about being trans. While these feelings still exist in me, it's nice to hear I'm not alone in it.
As an autistic cis woman, I've always been accommodating to others but have a small circle so I don't really have much experience irl with trans people, even less so with trans men. I've tried to educate myself through the internet about all these other experiences but I never really understood gender until recently where I was able to be exposed to how trans men construct their masculinity through greater visibility on the internet in these discussions on gender. I think the invisibility of trans men in this discussion does a disservice to EVERY one. I think hearing trans men talk about their experiences with toxic masculinity and positive masculinity has really helped me personally understand that gender is truly a social construct with no basis in biology. That has been so freeing for my gender identity and realizing that I don't really need a reason to call myself a woman. I just live life like that because society has made me like that and that's fucking a ok. Anyways, great series!
"I can cry when i need to." Dude, seriously, awesome. I have to make do with a list trigger films to get the tears going and then connect my hurt to let it out. Slowly moving the bar back towards allowing emotional expression including tears but it's tough.
As a cis het AMAB man I grew up with 5 sisters, my mom and no male role models beyond popular media and what I observed at school.. further complicating this was my neurodivergence and I suffered for a lack of identity which made me, for a time dismissive to feminity especially because I was effeminate and bullied for it. Once I grew out of that I felt and still feel some repulsion to traditional masculinity.. it wasn't until my mid 30s that I began to recognize that I could define my masculinity outside of the expectations of tradition. I am grateful that you shared your journey to healthy masculinity because while very different from my own I think that the similarities are striking striking and important for us, as men, to rally around.
I couldn’t agree more. Men being able to acknowledge both our differences and similarities is going to be key to a more broadly available image of positive masculinity.
I thoroughly enjoy your videos. As a 50 yr old man, it would be foolish for me to say, "Well, you're young, so you don't have anything to offer the discussion" when you'r so wise, so insightful. I always come away from your videos with things to consider.... New "bones" for an old dog to gnaw on. As a four year old, I knew I was different, kept waiting for my penis to appear. When I realized that wasn't going to happen, I thought I was cursed. As I got older I realized that the he'll I lived through to live authentically, to be who I am today. No one would pick this life; being trans is not a choice. But what a gift it has turned out to be!
So you're statement at 15:42 bears repeating and repeating etc... Finn you are fantastic and your insights are so foxy and valuable!! Many Dog Blessings!!💜💜💜😁💥🌈🫂Ahwhoooooo!🐺 Wolf Blessings too😉✨️✨️
Ooooof I love good timing. The relevancy is 👌👌👌 "Just femme things" is honestly accurate? Like... punk rock shark cage diving pirate queen is total chaos vibes, very abject womanhood A+++ Purity culture is not the original feminine (I am an AFAB transmasc enby white American descendant of Irish and Scandinavian settlers who also rejected femininity growing up, and learning how the origins of what we think of now as "traditional femininity" was only from a few centuries ago changed some things...)
It’s totally accurate! Right? Gender is malleable! Is it wrong to say that it’s up to the shark diving pirate 🏴☠️ girl to say if she feels femme or masc vibes when she does the things she does? But also gender is in other peoples perceptions so gendering is gonna occur. Oh I could keep typing but gonna choose not to ramble
Both femininity and masculinity have changed so much, and differ between cultures. Gender roles are so heckin’ arbitrary, we gotta embrace the chaos, it’s way more fun.
As someone who compulsively helps others to avoid having to help myself, I'm feeling very called out rn in the best kind of way. Thanks for this video, I really needed it :)
I'm scared sh*tless of showing vulnerability, even to myself, because I don't have the experience of existing in a safe environment. I do get it intellectually, but my visceral reaction to the very word is to get my shields up and get armed to the teeth. At the same time, my distinction between my experience of gender and identifying as a man is that I don't want to deal with fitting the stereotypes associated with being "man enough". That's something to think about.
Ohhh I'll think about it! I did love the heck out of it (because of course), but so many fantastic creators have already covered if, I want to make sure I'd bring something new if I do. The positive masculinity angle might be perfect, though.
I have bingewatched all of your videos in the last couple of days, and I must say this is one of my new favourite channels. Your kindness and compassion to others and yourself is an example of whom I wish to be, and I just can't overstate how much I appreciate what you do.
i went through a similar arc as a butch nonbinary lesbian, though obviously i didn't arrive at the same identity conclusion - i was a big "not like other girls" girl until i realised that it was internalised misogyny and unpacked that, and even tried to embrace feminine things, only to realise that my truest self is soft masculinity. i love that this experience allowed me to appreciate femininity in a new way that i never could when i felt forced into that gendered box, and to appreciate where i'm feminine as i do where i'm masculine. i think that's one of the biggest strengths of lesbian masculinity and butch identity - the perspective and ability to redefine masculinity in this more positive and vulnerable way
My experience is probably skewed by the fact that I’m a masculine leaning agender person, rather than a binary trans guy, but the more I accept myself as trans, the more I’m able to engage in and enjoy my femininity. When I first really accepted that I was trans, I used exclusively he/him and identified as a binary trans guy. (Although I was inexplicably drawn to androgynous names. Ironically my current name is very much masculine.) The more I transitioned, the further from masculinity I went. I was drawn more and more to traditional feminine things, like makeup and nail polish. Once, before I cut my hair, a friend did my makeup, and I remember knowing that I’d be able to enjoy it if my hair was short like I wanted. At first, I didn’t stop identifying as binary, just started using it/its pronouns alongside he/him, and once I did get my hair cut and dyed, I felt much more comfortable trying out different labels, starting to use xe/xem pronouns as well, and eventually landing on agender. I was only able to explore my femininity by being able to be masculine, and I’ve seen a lot of other trans people, binary or not, experiencing the same thing.
I relate to this video very much presently. Specifically the fear of vulnerability through defying idk social expectation. So I already wear a pearl necklace. Like long chain of pearls almost like a chain. I find it an excellent critique of the masculinity in chain culture. Well I bought a polkadot rainbow pinwheel at the dollar store today because I wanted to skate with my dog with it. (Longboard, not roller skates to be specific) Suddenly being seen with it made me insecure especially in combination with my pearls. I'm so happy I'm doing both, right now as I listen to this video. Watching the pinwheel spin is so satisfying to my brain. Edit: I specifically picked the polkadot one. They were all rainbow. Polkadot rainbow was a superior choice, imo. Edit 2: I am cis and have only had hetero dating relationships but identify as pan open. I'm not opposed to a relationship with anyone, I'm aware of my overwhelmingly cishet experience. I want friends that are queer before I'd feel comfortable dating someone queer, respectfully. Like it takes a village reasoning. Plus exposure to different experiences. I just like fashion and using it to challenge expectations of gender roles. It started when I bought a pink sun hat and had someone go out of their way to masculinize my dog when they saw the hat. He went from pretty to handsome. It felt dirty. I also think pearls are dope and go with everything. I think my goal is disconnecting assumptions about gender/sexual expression/identity from fashion. So like gender fluid and or non-binary philosophical but as one who identifies as a man.
this is exactly the kind of content i need in my life. been trying to learn a bit more emotional intelligence for a while now and helps immensely. Thank you!
Thank you for this! I really appreciate you. I am also a trans man, and I really relate to a lot of what you shared here. Toxic masculinity is such a beast and can do so much harm. 🙏🏻
🤔 I think it is a mixture of what you are saying and also a part of the "guys are taught to just solve the issue" Or as we often say "Just deal with it" which is a state of mind guys are often taught to work from. When we encounter a problem we are told to solve it. When we see others bring up problems that would be our initial response. "So just solve it, deal with it why are you just whining about it?" That is how we are often taught to deal with these situations we don't know much else. . . no one ever teach us that. This is why you will not as often hear men complain about sexual assault, discrimination, violence, or other issues. We are taught to deal with it and solve our problem. Oh we are depressed instead of getting help we try to solve it ourselves. Hey a drink seemed to dull the bad feeling i guess i will take another. . . A huge part of male culture is reliability. If you show signs that puts your reliability in question that is bad. And you will often be judged by this by everyone. Even feminists do it. While culture and social context has largely tried to pin a Feminine vs Masculine context on this, it is generally not about that and Feminism went out against patriarchy as a propaganda scheme. They couldn't even properly define it it was just a good way to pin the problem with a term that fit their perspective. But It is not about patriarchy or matriarchy (which has its own version of these issues) its about the issue of Hierarchy regardless of gender. Its about two things. Reliability and power when these two seem to be seem to be in question things turn toxic. And people engage in toxic behaviour and again i will not bother with toxic masculinity or toxic feminity because that is just dividing one problem into two and not being able to properly define them And i think we need to start looking at the hierarchy of power when dealing with these issues rather than bother with things like masculinity or feminity as these are just vague umbrella terms that also overlap ALL THE TIME!! and can mostly just be seen as sloppy patchworks of old stereotypes that end up being wrong more often than right. Its damn near comparable to being into star signs. 😆 And sadly using these terms has made the problem worse because it makes people focus on and blame these things in a way that actually turns the terms and use toxic because majority of people are ignorant of the meanings they develop. Oh and you are definitely being man enough. Well you are being person enough? Because being a true man is practically the same thing as being a true woman" XD Reliable, confident, secure and happy.
Thanks for this Finn! A lot resonated, despite us coming at this from opposite sides of the Assigned At Birth line. Made me remember some things too, thank you for that. I'm still kind of an old baby in all this (egg cracked late), but would be happy to write something or record some audio if you think it would be useful for your project
honestly im not mad anymore you pack so much into 22 minutes and as much as i love the hour plus long videos this is so much easier on my adhd 🙃 thank you for your work, i love your perspective so much and i appreciate the critical way you dissect these concepts.
As a more femme ish enby I'm not entirely sure I'm the target audience for this but some of the things you say definitely resonate with me, altho being more transfem I do have to reframe certain things to make sense from my perspective 😅 So patriarchy is a bitch. Growing up under the boy-label I definitely tried to embody masculinity and reject femininity as best I could but looking back at my teenage years at 23 I give myself maybe a 3-4/10 for performance and a regrettable A for effort. I tried to take up space even when it never really felt right and even when I got a bunch of queer friends and could be my authentic self without fear of judgement I still didn't feel like I was living up to the masculine standard. When I tried to ignore it I felt like I should be striving for it never the less. Most of my life has been this push and pull of trying to be true to myself but also feeling the pressure to "act more like a man". To be fair very few actually put this pressure on me, it was like 95% self-inflicted. Then the gender fairy visited me. I stopped feeling most of the pressure almost over night, maybe because I made the concious choice to completely reject gender norms and to just step out of that. Granted, there came this idea that I had to "perform gender" in a different way, a more trans way, but my point is that giving the finger to gender stereotypes allowed me to pick and choose freely the things that felt right to me. A few years later I'm not really "out", but I express myself freely in most situations. A lot of people will percieve me as a man but I've heard some strangers read me as queer in some way even when I'm wearing my work clothes. I've been able to get to a point where I can just be my authentic self without needing to actively come out to people. It's funny also, before I embraced my queerness in all its glory I was sometimes told that people didn't percieve me as intimidating. Before I struggled with that because I had this idea that that was somehow negative and my ego did take a hit during those years. Now I find enourmous amounts of joy in that fact. It's interesting how completely the tables have turned in how I see myself 😂
Idk how to sort these feelings out. And I'm just not ready to embrace femininity yet. I know I'm still a man. But it's hard when you've been told you're not one you're entire life.
Thank you, again, for the excellent and thought-provoking video. (Another in a growing collection of important discussions.) I offer up this comment to the algorithm gods. Haha 💜
I'm not a Christian but your story about "letting the van hit you" is a perfect example of carrying one's cross, and what you said about identity and finding yourself is the whole point of rebirth but it's twisted into something malignant by the church imo
Thanks for this discussion. I'm old enough that the exact nature of gender identity is never really something I've heard discussed, it's always been kinda just a subconsciously vague sort of thing. (Hell, I don't even remember any instances where I was told that only girls should do X, despite probably being genderfluid...though I do trend more on the masculine side of that and I did have an older brother model proper behaviour off of.) I've only recently reached the hypothesis that I'm genderfluid, so I'm trying to learn more about gender identity to test this idea. And honestly, trans people, as those who've had to live through the process of consciously figuring out their gender identity and what that means to them, always have more insight into their gender identity than cis individuals who often perform their gender through subconsciously.
Talking to other trans and GNC people about gender is such brain food. The amount of thought and examination put into it really comes through, and I'm glad it's been fulfilling for you and led you to a deeper understanding of yourself. 💙
I've been struggling with this alot. I'm a transgender man myself ftm. I don't hate being transgender . I just don't like being assigned female at birth or having a female body. I feel alienated by it. It hurts. Idk if this makes sense but I feel I need to constantly prove to everyone and the world around me that I am a man. Many times I don't feel enough of a man because of my past. I'll admit I have insecure masculinity. Whenever I get called a girl or get told what I'm doing isn't manly enough it really dose tear me apart inside. I'm trying so hard to be seen for my identity. And alot of times I'm invalided.
I am so sorry you’re dealing with that, and it makes a lot of sense that you’d have complicated feelings around security in your masculinity when you’re invalidated by the people around you. For what it’s worth, you *are* a man, and you are completely valid as such. Having to prove yourself is exhausting, I hope you have people in your life who see the real you.
@@FinntasticMrFox I wish I had someone who supports me IRL in my day to day life. But I don't. The only support group I have is online. Sorry for being selfish. Means alot to me that you're talking to me dude.
I do desire medical transition and top surgery but I can't afford it yet. I don't have enough money. To call the body I have now my body feels uncomfortable to me. I'm hoping I can reshape this body into something that feels more like me. So I can finally have a body that feels like mine. Idk if this makes any sense but yeah.
It does make sense, and it makes a lot of sense that you wouldn’t feel comfortable playing with gender until you feel comfortable with you body-if at all, of course. Not everyone has to explore gender the same way. I really hope whatever it looks like for you, it brings you happiness. 💙
I will say my man reason for refusing to be feminine is because I was bullied for being weak and not being able to defend myself. So why wouldn’t I ever want to embrace something that failed to defend me? At least masculinity even toxic masculinity will protect you from other. Femininity you’re at the mercy of others. It’s great if you’re in supportive environment but it’s horrible when it’s not.
This is definitely the problem, yes. There is safety to be found in toxic masculinity, but only for the men perpetuating it, and even then, there's still a personal cost. This video was not meant to imply that it's an easy thing to address. It's definitely not. But the more of us who talk about it, the more we can normalize not having to put on that display and adhere to that toxicity for safety.
Thank you for sharing your experiences and making this video. Personally, I would have liked more examples of good parts of masculinity. I mean, no offense, plenty of men are good people, but I have trouble thinking of anything good about masculinity itself.
I mean, if they want to, sure! For me, it's more embodying traits more typically associated with femininity, like being gentle, kind, expressing emotion, etc. Being able to share our thoughts with friends, and experience emotional intimacy outside of romantic partnerships is also a big one. A lot of men--especially heterosexual men--struggle to let themselves be vulnerable with their male friends and lean on them for support.
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I'm straight cis white male (the privilege checklist) and most of this video landed exactly on what I've been having to learn and unlearn about myself for the last several years. Men are raised to believe that winning a physical fight when angry is more virtuous than crying when sad. Even if in your teen years you decide that your father is actually not a great role model, that's still the male archetype that you see every day during the years in which your brain is developing. Not only will you pick up some maladaptive behaviors, but while you're living in the home that made you the way you are, it's not a super helpful environment for deprogramming said behaviors (if you are fortunate enough to be able to identify the problems at that time). I've come to the conclusion that childhood trauma occurs for every child in every household, and that most of it impacts us negatively later in life. Our parents, being products of their own trauma, often do not understand how they pass down harmful ideas and behaviors that were given to them in youth.
All of this amounts to a cloud of frustration and confusion. There's a reason teenagers are stereotypically pissed off, jaded, distant, etc. It's the age at which we begin to realize that things are very wrong, but with this awakening comes massive confusion, and the adults who created the wrongs cannot (for various reasons) help the teen to reverse them. The most difficult part, in hindsight, is that it's not like there's a left path and a right path. Any direction you go, you don't know what's next, and that largely remains true throughout our lives. I think this aligns with the video's comments about vulnerability. When we're lost in the woods, the risk averse decision, for a while, is to not move, for fear of getting further lost. However, if we stay in the woods not moving, we'll die of exposure, thirst, get eaten by a bear, etc. It's difficult to navigate but gets a little easier with age (I'm 33 and love myself at 33 way more than I did at 26).
I think you're spot on. There are definitely good parents and bad parents, but there are no perfect parents, and we're all going to carry things forward from childhood that we have to unpack, even those of us who come from healthy homes.
Learning to love yourself is absolutely a journey, and I'm glad yours has been moving in the right direction. 💙
“Giving up control is often just giving up the illusion of control”
I needed to hear that.
I’m a trans guy in highschool so thank u for this. Helped me figure out why I was acting the way I was, and being comfortable with my feminine side. I’m a black boy so my experience will be different than yours but nevertheless thank you
14:48 i can't even begin to tell you how fucking vindicated that made me feel. You almost got me crying at work
Edit: strike almost. I have cried at work 😭.
Add: I vividly remember when i was around 5 and it was valentines day. I told my mom happy valentines day and i love her ( I'm a huge mama's boy and was a lonely child so my mom always agreed to be my valentine) and remember asking her " can i go tell dad" she smiled and said "lets go tell dad."
I remember walking up to him and saying "Happy valentines day dad, i love you"
I remember him dropping to one knee sternly grabbing my shoulder and giving me a look i could never place. It wasn't anger or disappointment but it definitely wasn't good. He looked me in the eye and said "Don't you EVER say Happy Valentines day to another man, you hear me"
I now recognize what that look was in hindsight. Fear. And through this and several other occurrences he passed that fear to me.
My whole life i dreaded even the thought that i MIGHT be gay. Thinking the question " Am i gay " was almost physically painful. In the schools i went to if you were asked that question and you thought about it (even if the answer was resounding no) it would be a tacit "admission". I'm 27 now and it took 20 years to finally gain enough courage to even ask the question to myself ( to my self and in my own head where no one could see mind you). All that pain, fear, derision, and self loathing to finally get an answer to question that had been hounding me for so long
"Are you gay"
"...No."
.... just like that. No performance. No incredulous self doubt. No pangs of anxiety. Just no followed by this wave of.... peace i guess( i still don't what that feeling was but holy shit it felt good).
While it's only a single branch trimmed from the tree that is my pain. This one thing i was able to confront gave me so much of something i was completely lacking. Security. For the first time i was able be what i was( cis het) without having to preform it for the sake of others. I am exactly what i was before i answered the question. Human. I just now know that I am that why cause that's what i want.
Thank you for this video. It gave credence to things i already knew but couldn't fully appreciate still. This felt like the last finishing coat on a good painting.
Thank you so much for sharing this. 💙
Interesting, you maybe forgot to mention that the fear of femininity can stem from the fear of abuse.
I always saw that being girly exposes you to bad things happening to you . A childhood friend got murdered, and everyone said she was TOO feminine and not clothed enough... I saw the difference in the street between wearing a skirt and being harassed by strangers and followed at night, and being confortable in baggy shorts alone at 3 am.
Now that I pass I feel such a relief! Reality is that being feminine is dangerous, and for a pre-T trans guy it only adds to the distress of being the invisible man. I didn't mind being punched because the dude didn't like me, but I did fear being assaulted by the dude for being the girl I wasn't. I lived 50 years in fear... Now I'm free. Femininity isn't bad in itself, but too often does it come with danger. Girl=prey still. It's a large part of why we tend to avoid it. I don't mean makeup or painted nails, I mean the whole girly demeanor and girly clothes. People instantly treat you like a piece of meat to be consumed, and THAT what's scary.
This. I stopped wearing skirts and dresses long before the egg cracked, not because I minded the perceived femininity of it, but because it made me feel like harassment magnet. And it was. The few times in my 20s I had to wear a dress or a skirt (events like weddings, and the last time was a cosplay, which was a big mistake -- should've kept to crossplay) I was manhandled and touched without consent so much that it still makes me shudder in my late 30s, and at the time I was blamed for it because apparently I "asked for it" by wearing "alluring" clothes (never mind that the cosplay, for example, was of Robin Sena, who is a nun).
@@kaworunagisa4009, "harassment magnet" 😝 lol! I couldn't find a better term! I forgot to mention that flamboyant gay boys and closeted trans women are at risk too, simply by being very feminine openly. Society is sick...
This is a very good point, and so distressing in its implications. I don't know if this was true for me necessarily, as I was always a fairly masculine child and adolescent, and very much in a masculine-presenting phase of my life when I grappled with harm of that nature, so I'm leery of speaking to it directly in the context of my own experience. The perceived vulnerability of femininity is definitely scary for very tangible, external reasons, though, you're spot on.
As a young child it became very clear that feminine clothing was vulnerable by design. As a young AFAB child, wearing feminine clothing was impractical for play running, biking, and climbing trees. Things were more dangerous in the fragile, more restrictive, and tangling clothes. Around 12, I started exploring and wearing feminine clothes to school rather than only for special occasions. I learned then that wearing feminine clothing made boys annoying in class and also made it dangerous to walk home from the bus stop alone.
At the same time, I was occasionally put in the "male box" by strangers and became extremely aware of the better treatment it got me from those adults. It never bothered me except that when my friends corrected them (I was never inclined to) the behavior would instantly change towards me. The injustice of sexism was readily apparent. Plus there was a slight thrill of transgression for being treated that way having been raised in a very conservative town.
My version of feminine rejection revolved around rejecting feminine things that were "not practical" or useful. Girls were only "dumb" in that they chose to do "unessecsry things" that also increased their vulnerability. Consequently, I also thought macho compititons and getting into fights rather than letting things go was dumb. But there are just so many more things labeled as feminine that I thought "caused extra vulnerability" and unable to see vulnerability as a strength. So I ended up using "girly" derisively, while owning ALL the Lisa Frank unicorn notebooks and other such feminine things which were "girly but okay" since they didn't increase vulnerability.
I must have been insufferable. 😅 Heck I might still be.
While I was watching this, I actually thought about the "Man Enough" podcast. I remember when it first came out and I promoted it to my men friends. I was thinking, as you spoke, "I wonder if it's still running?" I loved that it dealt with diverse contexts of men--race, gender diversity, orientation, etc. And it was good to hear you recommend it at the end as a resource. I hope this helps some other men. I know for me, as a cis woman, I'm helped by hearing outcomes of transition stories from people who are privileged enough to experience being socially coded as their gender after transitioning. It tells me a lot about myself to hear about privilege lost or gained in that coding shift to/from male/female. I always learn something about cis gender roles from trans insight into those experiences. And I very much appreciate the validation I get from hearing trans women or trans men saying "You're not imagining it, you really are being treated socially as 'less than' in your life as a woman." So, you're not just helping other men, but also women.
This is wonderful to hear, thank you so much. I think I sometimes get caught up on cis people who are threatened by our experiences, and it's arguably far more important to exemplify cis people who are inspired by and interested in them. Deconstructing gender roles and double standards benefits all of us so much.
@@FinntasticMrFox I absolutely think the focus should be on cis people who are less likely to "get it". I, personally, don't expect cookies from the very low bar of "trying not to be transphobic". I think those of us (at least I hope I can include myself) who are working to educate ourselves and come to spaces like the one you are creating, don't need the focus and attention nearly as much. Work needs to happen where it does the most good and has the most impact. I certainly appreciate your acknowledgement. But I don't expect trans people to spend their time and energy praising cis people who, whether I like it or not, benefit from your oppression. Just as I wouldn't expect a Black activist to spend time praising white people who are anti-racist. Or a woman to spend time praising men who are feminists. I expect people in groups that are oppressed to focus on areas that can be improved. I've actually started to focus my efforts on equity to people who are interested but need just a bit more of an educational push to understand better. So, people with the heart for it, who just need help with understanding. I have less impact on overt bigots, and view those who "get it" as not really needing too much help from me. I think the biggest progress is where people /want/ to do better, but aren't sure how. That being said, if someone is working using another philosophy that seems to be improving things, I respect that and wish them luck--because I don't argue with success. And maybe later I'll change focus, but that's where I'm at, at the moment.
@@athomeinmyhead Very, very true. I more mean that normalizing being informed to the point that it’s “weird” not to be, y’know? It does also help to engage with self-aware allies when it comes to staying hopeful and motivated. You are absolutely spot on about the whole “basic decency” points (or cookies), though, and the importance of acknowledging that anti-racism and anti-transphobia/homophobia require work. It’s not enough to simply not be a perpetrator.
Finn, this is beautiful as are you and I'm gonna ascribe that to your Bahamianess 😅
Thank you, my friend. 💙
I'm happy that you put this out there, because even though I'm not a trans man, being transmasculine doesn't feel too far off for a lot of us in our experiences.
I was coming here to make a similar comment- I really appreciate this video
"Main character syndrome." OUCH! That one landed. Hard.
Your comments on your avoidance of femininity as a form of misogyny is a brain twister. I'm amazed that you've been able to undo that very complicated knot. "Living as a woman made me a better man." Your ability as a man to base your observations on manhood and masculinity as someone assigned and raised female at birth is a f*cking superpower.
Vulnerability literally means "able to be wounded." Scary stuff.
Thank you, TJ. I think we all have very complicated thinking to untangle, and training to unlearn. It's encouraging to hear from so many people who are doing the work as well, from all sorts of different experiences.
Transfemme enby here, confirming that embracing traditionally "feminine" things has been a long, frequently terrifying process. I had a full-blown existential meltdown the first time I heard a "girly" pop song and realized I liked it; Up until that point, music like that had always made me feel jealous more than anything else, which manifested itself as anger because OF COURSE it did, so I thought I hated entire genres that I actually love and that really help calm my anxiety.
At some point before coming out, I broke up with my boyfriend at the time. He had told me that I never shared my feelings, but also that my feelings were too much to handle once they were shared. I didn't know to call it that at the time, but this, being told I was a bad partner "in the way a man would be a bad partner" gave me a lot of euphoria, even if it hurt. Getting rid of all that internalised toxic masculinity, being more open, and communicative was absolutely one of the most important steps toward realising I am transmasc. Your comments about that really resonated with me.
It's weird how hurtful things can be affirming, I definitely understand that juxtaposition. I'm really glad this resonated. 💙
Found this video through reddit - as you may have already been aware of your video got posted to the menslib sub which is a community for Pro-LGBT and Feminist discussions of mens issues, and there was some really good discussion from some other trans men about their struggles regarding their perceived place in male and female circles.
I really loved hearing your thoughts. As an AMAB neurodivergant person I struggled with my relationship to maleness and masculinity for most of my life, very much aware that I wasn't filling any of the 'expected' molds - I was emotional, hated conflict (still do!), hated physicality etc. It was only in my early 20s thanks to a very compassionate and kind friendship circle that I really started to examine my masculinity more closely. I initially thought it was mostly due to grappling with defining my sexuality, and it was several years down the line after getting comfortable with identifying as bi that I realised there was something more to it. I'm still trying to figure things out - currently I'm vaguely identifying as some flavour of he/they nonbinary - but a big part of this examination came down to that weird conflict between masculinity and femininity and how they so often feel artificially made to be at odds with each other. It's really interesting to hear from someone who came form the opposite direction through exploring femininity instead.
So yeah, great vid. Easy sub, and I hope you keep growing in future! Going to check through your backlog now :)
I don't think you should worry about the video becoming too long. I think hour-long video essays are pretty average on the left side of youtube. I for one would watch it.
Also I'm nonbinary and a lot of the 'distancing yourself from femininity' really resonates. I did the same thing.
It's so sad that so many of us, regardless of gender, seem to do so. There's something so powerful about embracing femininity for that reason.
And that's a good point about video essays. I say "too long" like I don't eagerly tune in every time a creator I like drops a new feature length deconstruction. 😅
love seeing another transmasc out here spreading the gospel of vulnerability and positive masculinity 🌸 thanks for sharing
Being vulnerable is a privldege. Most times I'm vulnerable toward people I get invalidated or shut down. I've unlearnt the toxic stuff, feels like no one else wants to
" I think it's important to honestly ask ourselves if mindlessly following some of these thought-leaders gives us perspective on anything other than their coattails"
hot damn thats a good line
"I wasn't ready to be that vulnerable"
Omg that resonates so much with me. I absolutely in retrospect feel the same way
Hey, I just want to say that as a cis man, I've sought you (and other trans men) out specifically because of your considered and nuanced takes on masculinity, and I find them very valuable. Thanks for your videos!
"I went through a 'not like other girls' phase, which turned out to be true, because I'm a dude" I loved that discussion of how that can be a reaction to living in a restricted gender role, although it's not a healthy reaction and it just ends up with your identity being about what you're not rather than finding out who or what you are. I have a lot of sympathy for the "not like other girls" kids because I think they've become an acceptable target for mockery when they're probably just going through their own issues with identity (like I did with neurodivergence, sexuality, and gender).
This was great, also Jessie Gender sent me!
Thank you for stopping by to check things out! And for this comment. The teasing toward the "not like other girls" mentality isn't something I'd really examined before, but you're so right. At the end of the day, it's a display of pain and insecurity, and mockery is not going to help them or anyone else.
When I was still pretending to be cis. And had a soft coming out about liking “girly things” in college. I got thrown back into the closet before I could get out that I was trans.
What this did do for me was help me be vulnerable and put down a lot of toxic masculinity baggage I was letting society force me to lug around.
Finn I really look forward to possibly talking sometime in the future.
Being a enby trans woman early into medical transition, I have so much to say and it’s so enlightening seeing your experiences as a trans masc. You are ahead of me in transition, but part of me just feels like the other side of this gender coin were flipping
💙💗🤍💗💙
I'd love to talk about this more! Talking to other trans people in general is always a delight, and it's really interesting comparing and contrasting the transfemme and transmasc experiences.
@@FinntasticMrFoxmasculinity. the gender straight jacket. I remember it being called that by something I read in the early 00s
Omg 😱 FOX! “Can we really claim to be strong if we’re afraid of gentleness itself”
I’ve talked about fragile masculinity a lot, but that was beautiful. Thank you ☺️
I am *still* deathly afraid of reaching out to other people for any reason, still hung up on trying to make everything happen by myself, even knowing that where that isn't totally impossible it will still put me in the grave. Because "real men" don't need anybody else or they're worthless. And if you're expecting any one else to give things to you or collaborate with you, you're dense as lead. It's the single most pernicious factor of toxic masculinity and I can't shake that off, even now fully out and transitioning. I am not a man At All, and yet a vein of rot goes all the way down to my core that agitates when I think to try and ask for any sort of help.
Whenever I'm upset and it happens to make my partner upset, then I can flip my emotions off instantly and be the calm contemplative rock that (I hope) helps them calm down. I do think this is a remnant of pretending to be a man that helps. Being able to immediately center myself when the situation beyond myself grows tense certainly has its value. It doesn't help my dysphoria after the fact, unfortunately.
I don't know if this adds anything pertinent to the video. This is just a rare place where I feel there is any amount of space for me.
Have you considered therapy? I reached out for help. But I waited dealing with dysphoria all on my own thru my 20s and it wasn’t until my mid 30s I started therapy.
1000% helps you unpack things especially if you already know what baggage your holding onto, just need help putting it down.
You are welcome (encouraged!) to use this space and share your experiences, thoughts, and feelings. I really appreciate you doing so.
I agree with Em that therapy is incredibly helpful, though I know it's not always an option for folks because of accessibility barriers. Something that helped me was to keep in mind that sometimes asking for help can be helpful in itself. Letting people we love help us when we need it shows our trust in them, and helps them feel stronger and more capable.
I think Mr. Rogers said it best: “Taking care is one way to show your love. Another way is letting people take good care of you when you need it.”
here from jessiegender's video. one minute in and i'm already tearing up, lol. I'm turning 30 this sept and still haven't started my medical or legal transition. mourning the boyhood, heck, the young manhood I've missed out on, living too lives with my family vs friends.
finishing the video. i really thought you were much younger than me, so hearing that you came out at 28 hit me like a brick (in a good way, like "oh. oh shit, i can do this")
For me i remember envying kurt from glee and all the effeminate gay men in early aughts media being able to enjoy all the "fun" parts of femininity but not have to like. BE a woman. (I can't put in words what I mean) it felt unfair, it felt like I was deprived.
I'm starting my medical transition this year and i'm so fucking ready. I'm scared af but it's time to get hit by my van.
You absolutely can do this, and I'm so, so happy for you! It's scary and exhausting sometimes, but it's worth it and *you're* worth it. There are so many bright, beautiful days ahead of you, my friend. 💙
You absolutely can do this! I came out as a trans man at 31, and started T at 32. I had top surgery in March, and today is my 35th birthday. It’s never, NEVER too late ❤️
Watched this and I almost cried. I had a very similar experience growing up. I rejected femininity with such a fervent anger and I didn't really have a good reason why. But since coming out as a transman I became a lot more comfortable with it. And a small part of me was wondering if I was lying to myself about being trans. While these feelings still exist in me, it's nice to hear I'm not alone in it.
They get better with time, especially after they've been recognized. You're definitely not alone in having to work through them. 💙
As an autistic cis woman, I've always been accommodating to others but have a small circle so I don't really have much experience irl with trans people, even less so with trans men. I've tried to educate myself through the internet about all these other experiences but I never really understood gender until recently where I was able to be exposed to how trans men construct their masculinity through greater visibility on the internet in these discussions on gender. I think the invisibility of trans men in this discussion does a disservice to EVERY one. I think hearing trans men talk about their experiences with toxic masculinity and positive masculinity has really helped me personally understand that gender is truly a social construct with no basis in biology. That has been so freeing for my gender identity and realizing that I don't really need a reason to call myself a woman. I just live life like that because society has made me like that and that's fucking a ok. Anyways, great series!
Thanks
just Thank you
"I can cry when i need to."
Dude, seriously, awesome.
I have to make do with a list trigger films to get the tears going and then connect my hurt to let it out. Slowly moving the bar back towards allowing emotional expression including tears but it's tough.
It is tough, but I’m glad you’re making progress with it. It’s such a relief when you can let those things out.
As a cis het AMAB man I grew up with 5 sisters, my mom and no male role models beyond popular media and what I observed at school.. further complicating this was my neurodivergence and I suffered for a lack of identity which made me, for a time dismissive to feminity especially because I was effeminate and bullied for it. Once I grew out of that I felt and still feel some repulsion to traditional masculinity.. it wasn't until my mid 30s that I began to recognize that I could define my masculinity outside of the expectations of tradition. I am grateful that you shared your journey to healthy masculinity because while very different from my own I think that the similarities are striking striking and important for us, as men, to rally around.
I couldn’t agree more. Men being able to acknowledge both our differences and similarities is going to be key to a more broadly available image of positive masculinity.
Gotta say, Finn, you hair is ON. I wish I could pull that off.
I thoroughly enjoy your videos. As a 50 yr old man, it would be foolish for me to say, "Well, you're young, so you don't have anything to offer the discussion" when you'r so wise, so insightful. I always come away from your videos with things to consider.... New "bones" for an old dog to gnaw on.
As a four year old, I knew I was different, kept waiting for my penis to appear. When I realized that wasn't going to happen, I thought I was cursed. As I got older I realized that the he'll I lived through to live authentically, to be who I am today. No one would pick this life; being trans is not a choice. But what a gift it has turned out to be!
"femininity and masculinity are words that regret to feelings and behaviors that we all have"
So you're statement at 15:42 bears repeating and repeating etc...
Finn you are fantastic and your insights are so foxy and valuable!! Many Dog Blessings!!💜💜💜😁💥🌈🫂Ahwhoooooo!🐺 Wolf Blessings too😉✨️✨️
Ooooof I love good timing. The relevancy is 👌👌👌
"Just femme things" is honestly accurate? Like... punk rock shark cage diving pirate queen is total chaos vibes, very abject womanhood A+++
Purity culture is not the original feminine
(I am an AFAB transmasc enby white American descendant of Irish and Scandinavian settlers who also rejected femininity growing up, and learning how the origins of what we think of now as "traditional femininity" was only from a few centuries ago changed some things...)
It’s totally accurate! Right? Gender is malleable!
Is it wrong to say that it’s up to the shark diving pirate 🏴☠️ girl to say if she feels femme or masc vibes when she does the things she does? But also gender is in other peoples perceptions so gendering is gonna occur.
Oh I could keep typing but gonna choose not to ramble
Both femininity and masculinity have changed so much, and differ between cultures. Gender roles are so heckin’ arbitrary, we gotta embrace the chaos, it’s way more fun.
As someone who compulsively helps others to avoid having to help myself, I'm feeling very called out rn in the best kind of way. Thanks for this video, I really needed it :)
I'm scared sh*tless of showing vulnerability, even to myself, because I don't have the experience of existing in a safe environment. I do get it intellectually, but my visceral reaction to the very word is to get my shields up and get armed to the teeth. At the same time, my distinction between my experience of gender and identifying as a man is that I don't want to deal with fitting the stereotypes associated with being "man enough". That's something to think about.
I haven't seen it yet, but I'm commenting with the hopes others see it.
Also video on Our Flag Means Death soon? 😅 No rush though
Ohhh I'll think about it! I did love the heck out of it (because of course), but so many fantastic creators have already covered if, I want to make sure I'd bring something new if I do. The positive masculinity angle might be perfect, though.
I have bingewatched all of your videos in the last couple of days, and I must say this is one of my new favourite channels. Your kindness and compassion to others and yourself is an example of whom I wish to be, and I just can't overstate how much I appreciate what you do.
Thank you so much, this means the world to hear! 💙
21 year old trans guy here, coming from Jessie Gender’s video. I really loved this video
1:11 damn, barely a minute in and you're already spitting facts
I am glad that someone with your perspective exists
This is the video that cracked my egg and made me finally confront my gender
Thanks for the video!
All hail the Algorithm
Found ya from Foreign, absolutely agree with you man!
This is the first video of yours that I have watched, thank you for speaking so powerfully into so many important topics.
Sacrificing a fatted calf to the almighty algorithm.
Best Wednesday gift! New Fox Video!
i went through a similar arc as a butch nonbinary lesbian, though obviously i didn't arrive at the same identity conclusion - i was a big "not like other girls" girl until i realised that it was internalised misogyny and unpacked that, and even tried to embrace feminine things, only to realise that my truest self is soft masculinity. i love that this experience allowed me to appreciate femininity in a new way that i never could when i felt forced into that gendered box, and to appreciate where i'm feminine as i do where i'm masculine. i think that's one of the biggest strengths of lesbian masculinity and butch identity - the perspective and ability to redefine masculinity in this more positive and vulnerable way
Insightful, honest, and critical reflection, Finn, this is why we subscribe top patreon tier
And by that I mean I can now, take my money once again
@@Blanket_Kid Thank you so much! Never any pressure, but I thoroughly appreciate it. 💙
Thank you for another powerful video.
My experience is probably skewed by the fact that I’m a masculine leaning agender person, rather than a binary trans guy, but the more I accept myself as trans, the more I’m able to engage in and enjoy my femininity. When I first really accepted that I was trans, I used exclusively he/him and identified as a binary trans guy. (Although I was inexplicably drawn to androgynous names. Ironically my current name is very much masculine.) The more I transitioned, the further from masculinity I went. I was drawn more and more to traditional feminine things, like makeup and nail polish. Once, before I cut my hair, a friend did my makeup, and I remember knowing that I’d be able to enjoy it if my hair was short like I wanted. At first, I didn’t stop identifying as binary, just started using it/its pronouns alongside he/him, and once I did get my hair cut and dyed, I felt much more comfortable trying out different labels, starting to use xe/xem pronouns as well, and eventually landing on agender. I was only able to explore my femininity by being able to be masculine, and I’ve seen a lot of other trans people, binary or not, experiencing the same thing.
I relate to this video very much presently. Specifically the fear of vulnerability through defying idk social expectation.
So I already wear a pearl necklace. Like long chain of pearls almost like a chain. I find it an excellent critique of the masculinity in chain culture.
Well I bought a polkadot rainbow pinwheel at the dollar store today because I wanted to skate with my dog with it. (Longboard, not roller skates to be specific) Suddenly being seen with it made me insecure especially in combination with my pearls.
I'm so happy I'm doing both, right now as I listen to this video. Watching the pinwheel spin is so satisfying to my brain.
Edit: I specifically picked the polkadot one. They were all rainbow. Polkadot rainbow was a superior choice, imo.
Edit 2: I am cis and have only had hetero dating relationships but identify as pan open. I'm not opposed to a relationship with anyone, I'm aware of my overwhelmingly cishet experience. I want friends that are queer before I'd feel comfortable dating someone queer, respectfully. Like it takes a village reasoning. Plus exposure to different experiences.
I just like fashion and using it to challenge expectations of gender roles. It started when I bought a pink sun hat and had someone go out of their way to masculinize my dog when they saw the hat. He went from pretty to handsome. It felt dirty.
I also think pearls are dope and go with everything. I think my goal is disconnecting assumptions about gender/sexual expression/identity from fashion. So like gender fluid and or non-binary philosophical but as one who identifies as a man.
this is exactly the kind of content i need in my life. been trying to learn a bit more emotional intelligence for a while now and helps immensely. Thank you!
Cheers for the recommendation Foreign Man ✨
yay new finn video!
Thank you for this! I really appreciate you. I am also a trans man, and I really relate to a lot of what you shared here. Toxic masculinity is such a beast and can do so much harm. 🙏🏻
Hey Finn, I hope your day is going well!
Thanks, Dakota! I hope yours is, too!
Yes, yes, and yes. Boxing ourselves by just our gender role removes our humanity.
Thank you for your thoughts and perspectives! This work is important.
🤔 I think it is a mixture of what you are saying and also a part of the "guys are taught to just solve the issue" Or as we often say "Just deal with it" which is a state of mind guys are often taught to work from.
When we encounter a problem we are told to solve it. When we see others bring up problems that would be our initial response. "So just solve it, deal with it why are you just whining about it?" That is how we are often taught to deal with these situations we don't know much else. . . no one ever teach us that.
This is why you will not as often hear men complain about sexual assault, discrimination, violence, or other issues. We are taught to deal with it and solve our problem.
Oh we are depressed instead of getting help we try to solve it ourselves. Hey a drink seemed to dull the bad feeling i guess i will take another. . .
A huge part of male culture is reliability. If you show signs that puts your reliability in question that is bad. And you will often be judged by this by everyone. Even feminists do it.
While culture and social context has largely tried to pin a Feminine vs Masculine context on this, it is generally not about that and Feminism went out against patriarchy as a propaganda scheme. They couldn't even properly define it it was just a good way to pin the problem with a term that fit their perspective.
But It is not about patriarchy or matriarchy (which has its own version of these issues) its about the issue of Hierarchy regardless of gender.
Its about two things. Reliability and power when these two seem to be seem to be in question things turn toxic. And people engage in toxic behaviour and again i will not bother with toxic masculinity or toxic feminity because that is just dividing one problem into two and not being able to properly define them
And i think we need to start looking at the hierarchy of power when dealing with these issues rather than bother with things like masculinity or feminity as these are just vague umbrella terms that also overlap ALL THE TIME!! and can mostly just be seen as sloppy patchworks of old stereotypes that end up being wrong more often than right. Its damn near comparable to being into star signs. 😆
And sadly using these terms has made the problem worse because it makes people focus on and blame these things in a way that actually turns the terms and use toxic because majority of people are ignorant of the meanings they develop.
Oh and you are definitely being man enough. Well you are being person enough? Because being a true man is practically the same thing as being a true woman" XD
Reliable, confident, secure and happy.
this really resonated with my own experiences as a trans man. great video as always
Love your channel!! Hope this gets more traction.
A+
Thanks for this Finn! A lot resonated, despite us coming at this from opposite sides of the Assigned At Birth line. Made me remember some things too, thank you for that.
I'm still kind of an old baby in all this (egg cracked late), but would be happy to write something or record some audio if you think it would be useful for your project
That would be amazing, thank you!
Very good!!! Thank you!
honestly im not mad anymore you pack so much into 22 minutes and as much as i love the hour plus long videos this is so much easier on my adhd 🙃 thank you for your work, i love your perspective so much and i appreciate the critical way you dissect these concepts.
As a more femme ish enby I'm not entirely sure I'm the target audience for this but some of the things you say definitely resonate with me, altho being more transfem I do have to reframe certain things to make sense from my perspective 😅
So patriarchy is a bitch. Growing up under the boy-label I definitely tried to embody masculinity and reject femininity as best I could but looking back at my teenage years at 23 I give myself maybe a 3-4/10 for performance and a regrettable A for effort. I tried to take up space even when it never really felt right and even when I got a bunch of queer friends and could be my authentic self without fear of judgement I still didn't feel like I was living up to the masculine standard. When I tried to ignore it I felt like I should be striving for it never the less. Most of my life has been this push and pull of trying to be true to myself but also feeling the pressure to "act more like a man". To be fair very few actually put this pressure on me, it was like 95% self-inflicted.
Then the gender fairy visited me. I stopped feeling most of the pressure almost over night, maybe because I made the concious choice to completely reject gender norms and to just step out of that. Granted, there came this idea that I had to "perform gender" in a different way, a more trans way, but my point is that giving the finger to gender stereotypes allowed me to pick and choose freely the things that felt right to me. A few years later I'm not really "out", but I express myself freely in most situations. A lot of people will percieve me as a man but I've heard some strangers read me as queer in some way even when I'm wearing my work clothes. I've been able to get to a point where I can just be my authentic self without needing to actively come out to people.
It's funny also, before I embraced my queerness in all its glory I was sometimes told that people didn't percieve me as intimidating. Before I struggled with that because I had this idea that that was somehow negative and my ego did take a hit during those years. Now I find enourmous amounts of joy in that fact. It's interesting how completely the tables have turned in how I see myself 😂
Idk how to sort these feelings out. And I'm just not ready to embrace femininity yet. I know I'm still a man. But it's hard when you've been told you're not one you're entire life.
You can always define it for yourself.
Masc enby. Thank you for this.
Sweet channel man! Ya got a new subscriber, very much earned
"I'm not like other girls" plot twist "i'm not a girl, actually" LMAO!! gotta love that
Thank you, again, for the excellent and thought-provoking video. (Another in a growing collection of important discussions.) I offer up this comment to the algorithm gods. Haha 💜
I'm not a Christian but your story about "letting the van hit you" is a perfect example of carrying one's cross, and what you said about identity and finding yourself is the whole point of rebirth but it's twisted into something malignant by the church imo
Why are Canadians so good at youtube
Wonderful video! Thank you!
You're videos are always phenomenal; thank you for what you do : )
I love your outlook on life and your beautiful, warm and articulate expression of male reality. You are such an important voice!
This is such a kind thing to say, thank you so much!
Thanks for this discussion. I'm old enough that the exact nature of gender identity is never really something I've heard discussed, it's always been kinda just a subconsciously vague sort of thing. (Hell, I don't even remember any instances where I was told that only girls should do X, despite probably being genderfluid...though I do trend more on the masculine side of that and I did have an older brother model proper behaviour off of.) I've only recently reached the hypothesis that I'm genderfluid, so I'm trying to learn more about gender identity to test this idea. And honestly, trans people, as those who've had to live through the process of consciously figuring out their gender identity and what that means to them, always have more insight into their gender identity than cis individuals who often perform their gender through subconsciously.
Talking to other trans and GNC people about gender is such brain food. The amount of thought and examination put into it really comes through, and I'm glad it's been fulfilling for you and led you to a deeper understanding of yourself. 💙
Love this so much, thanks a lot! 💜💚💜🧚🏽♀️
I've been struggling with this alot. I'm a transgender man myself ftm. I don't hate being transgender . I just don't like being assigned female at birth or having a female body. I feel alienated by it. It hurts. Idk if this makes sense but I feel I need to constantly prove to everyone and the world around me that I am a man. Many times I don't feel enough of a man because of my past. I'll admit I have insecure masculinity. Whenever I get called a girl or get told what I'm doing isn't manly enough it really dose tear me apart inside. I'm trying so hard to be seen for my identity. And alot of times I'm invalided.
I am so sorry you’re dealing with that, and it makes a lot of sense that you’d have complicated feelings around security in your masculinity when you’re invalidated by the people around you. For what it’s worth, you *are* a man, and you are completely valid as such. Having to prove yourself is exhausting, I hope you have people in your life who see the real you.
@@FinntasticMrFox I wish I had someone who supports me IRL in my day to day life. But I don't. The only support group I have is online. Sorry for being selfish. Means alot to me that you're talking to me dude.
Beautiful video, I relate to so much of what you said. Thanks for sharing
Feek brought me here
i thought you were roomie official. i am pleasantly surprised that you aren’t a swede. cheers, dude.
Ahaha I had to look him up, I can see the resemblance.
Jessie Gender sent me :)
you are so handsome.
NO YOU. 💙💙💙
I might have had to start the video over bc I was too busy admiring him the first time,,,,,
I do desire medical transition and top surgery but I can't afford it yet. I don't have enough money. To call the body I have now my body feels uncomfortable to me. I'm hoping I can reshape this body into something that feels more like me. So I can finally have a body that feels like mine. Idk if this makes any sense but yeah.
It does make sense, and it makes a lot of sense that you wouldn’t feel comfortable playing with gender until you feel comfortable with you body-if at all, of course. Not everyone has to explore gender the same way. I really hope whatever it looks like for you, it brings you happiness. 💙
I would like to hear your thoughts on the term "female privilege"
I actually talk about that a little bit in the previous video to this one. 🙂
I will say my man reason for refusing to be feminine is because I was bullied for being weak and not being able to defend myself. So why wouldn’t I ever want to embrace something that failed to defend me? At least masculinity even toxic masculinity will protect you from other. Femininity you’re at the mercy of others. It’s great if you’re in supportive environment but it’s horrible when it’s not.
This is definitely the problem, yes. There is safety to be found in toxic masculinity, but only for the men perpetuating it, and even then, there's still a personal cost.
This video was not meant to imply that it's an easy thing to address. It's definitely not. But the more of us who talk about it, the more we can normalize not having to put on that display and adhere to that toxicity for safety.
19:25 - 19:39 yeesh that galaxy brain take
Thank you for sharing your experiences and making this video. Personally, I would have liked more examples of good parts of masculinity. I mean, no offense, plenty of men are good people, but I have trouble thinking of anything good about masculinity itself.
That one is in the works! It’s definitely an important focal point.
I was a feminist tho. _Very_ feminist. I wanted to be equal to men in everything. Including in body :v 🏳️⚧️
I just don't get what my masculinity is supposed to be if not what has already been established
What would you *like* it to be? I know that sounds like a silly question, but what does/would make you feel happy and fulfilled?
12:25 oh wow, you really did experience boyhood. 😁
🤠💜
3:00 help the earth. Go vegan
What are examples of being feminine? Like you want men to wear makeup and wear nail polish?
I mean, if they want to, sure! For me, it's more embodying traits more typically associated with femininity, like being gentle, kind, expressing emotion, etc. Being able to share our thoughts with friends, and experience emotional intimacy outside of romantic partnerships is also a big one. A lot of men--especially heterosexual men--struggle to let themselves be vulnerable with their male friends and lean on them for support.
He is very sick and needs help...praying 🙏
Oh no! Is someone sick?
Lol you lost mark?