ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 ก.ย. 2024
- There are a few important points that didn't make it into this video, but that I will be talking about in the followup:
1. How misogyny/oppositional sexism and ableism interact.
2. Going from straight-passing privilege to being perceived as gay.
3. The limited means of male bonding (e.g., being restricted to competitive contexts.)
This is probably going to be a series of videos. There are other topics that are integral to this conversation and necessitate the perspectives of Men of Colour and Transfeminine people; I will be reaching out to contributors, but if anyone has any content creators they'd recommend, please let me know in the comments!
Thanks, friends!
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LAND ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
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*Please Donate (if you're able!)* :
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SOCIALS AND SUPPORT
Instagram: finntasticmr.fox
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Timestamps:
0:00 Intro
1:28 Part 1: Oppositional Sexism
7:15 Part 2: Adjustments
14:29 Part 3: Toxic Masculinity
22:36 Outro
What's very interesting is how the "men are supposed to be aggressive" concept manfiests itself in the gay community. I'm generally more passive than most guys, and am not used to taking charge when it comes to things, and it's very interesting how that can affect relationship dynamics, especially in the bedroom, where the concept of being a top or a bottom is somewhat important. Now obviously everyone has their own comfort levels and have reasons for prefering one role over the other (too much pain being a big one as why one might not want to bottom), but it feels like sometimes the idea can take on a life of it's own, and it shifts from being role/preference to one's whole identity. Men who are traditionally masculine and assertive are labeled as having "top energy" and those who are more feminine or passive have "bottom energy." The thing that's odd to me is that, for a community that is built around challenging gender expectations, is why exactly are effectively building a dichotomy that mirrors the societal expecations of men and women in hererosexual relations? That just feels counter-productive.
I get that heteronormativity training runs deep and is hard to break out of, but the willingness of some gay people to apply it to same gender relationships is pretty wild; kinda defeats a lot of the fun and point behind said dynamics.
@@FinntasticMrFox I sort of agree, but it's also a bit of a balancing act socially.
Like, oftentimes a counter to a counterculture can reinforce the dominant culture. Is it worth interrogating what social dynamics are at play when talking abt feminine men who prefer to bottom vs masculine men who prefer to top? Absolutely. But the question can also be asked in bad faith, such as discourse abt whether or not these dynamics in an interpersonal relationship reinforce heterocisnormative, patriarchal standards.
I'm not saying you're acting in bad faith. Oftentimes "Why are so many out nb ppl AFAB teenagers?" is a question asked in bad faith, but--when engaged w/ earnestly & critically--can actually turn into a productive conversation abt the ways (*some*) AFAB masculinity is acceptable much more so than AMAB femininity. So there are good reasons to ask questions abt internalized heteronormativity in masc/fem relationships.
But I also see the case overstated more times than not. & it's wrt that overstatement abt what is *at best* an intracommunal problem & oftentimes completely off-base (the Buttigieges are both *extremely* gender conforming & aggressively non-sexual) that I push back on talk of internalized heteronormativity w/i same-gender relationships.
And also, tbh, there are personal reasons to want to recreate a "masculine penetrator/feminine penetratee" dynamic in a persoanl bedroom. My cis boyfriend likes feeling like a man in bed, & topping helps him do that. I like feeling like the feminine partner in bed & bottoming helps me do that. Our individual relationship dynamics aren't a community representation issue.
Again, I'm not saying that you're saying or implying any of the points I'm pushing back against. I hope that this has come off as constructive pushback & reminder to consider broader discourse rather than an ad hominem. But the dynamics of a toxic queer discourse are very real, & imo we need to bear them in mind when we engage w/ discussions of queerness.
-- Michael-Giuliana
(they/them)
@@spuriusbrocoli4701 let me summarize my understanding of your response: you’ve seen this particular point of discussion more often than would seem appropriate given your experience of how often you see it in queer relationships.
Fin’s response was about how he finds it weird that *some* gay men do this. I cannot construe that as an ad hominem, nor do I feel it overgeneralizes, given the quantifier “some”.
I agree with the original commenter, and Fin, that it’s worth inspecting why heteronormative dynamics are recreated at all.
I suspect it has to do with gay people existing in a heteronormative society, and being pressured to fit the niches cut out for them. Drag is something that has been integral to the gay male community for a while now, and is a very gender way of doing social deviancy. It’s also vilified by a lot (but certainly *not all* ) of the public. It may be easier to get by, and to feel like he’s “winning”, if a gay man conforms to what society in general expects a gay man to act and behave like. And since a lot of people (including gay people) don’t even know how to conceptualize what a relationship can look like outside of heteronormativity, it’s easier to default to it.
Interesting, this could be big difference between "the West" vs "the rest". And I get that Poland is very much becoming "the West" now, but we are kinda stuck in a place where we are getting western level of comfort but still did not "get on with the program" as far as progressive values etc.
Why this long introduction? Cos my impression of our gay culture is that is not not really but around challenging gender expectations at all.
Hetero guys are fetishized as "the best fuck". Passive = feminine and active = masculine is believed to be some sort of nature of reality...
In many ways it's like all the mainstream norms are even amplified. That's just my personal impression though, and it is not about activist side of gay (man) culture in Poland, more the hookup side of it.
This could be however result of how dominant homophobia is still in Poland.
Men with women's instincts and women with men's experiences are precious bridges. As far as I(F) am concerned, trans folks are paving the way to finally make crossgender relationships of all kinds healthier. Oh and by the way, your content keeps the very roots of "sisterhood" alive.. might that warmth be always in your reach.
Holy shit! This is exactly my take! Especially in a world where men and women are increasingly suspicious and spiteful of each other. This is why I listen to trans people.
As a straight, cis guy, I legitimately appreciate your perspective on masculinity (toxic or otherwise)!
You are not a man, you used the word cis.
@@GeorgeDaniels-me7ru Idk dude you're the one that's scared of a three letter word that just means the opposite of trans (even in a context that's not related to gender, like chemistry)
@@phoney2627 Stop spreading delusions and lies. Trans is a delusion therefore there is no cis only true gender. Gender is not a spectrum.
What's toxic is delusion.
It was nothing really new to me but... gee, having experienced another perspective just gives him such a clear view. And I've spent years before I figured out some of this stuff, that's very obvious once you know it. Information like this should be included into some tutorial for young men...
Man here, raised by strong @ss women. I will never walk through the world as a woman, so it is difficult for me to express how much I respect and value your ability to talk about your experience and awareness as a man informed by your pre-transition experience. This took my breath away: "There is something painful about being assumed to be dangerous." Ouch. This is so true. Thank you for saying that "most men are not dangerous,." The relatively few who are ruin it for everyone else. FWIW, I am a not-small man who is afraid of men, and it has made life so much more challenging (-though nowhere near as challenging as for those women who have had do deal with men). This is a video that, frankly, every guy should watch, sort of like a chapter in the manual of how to be a man who better understands people around them. Great work again, Finn.
Thank you so much, TJ! I really appreciate your insight here. Men of all experiences talking about these things is absolutely how we're going to come to solutions that'll help everyone in the end.
I can't even imagine how hard it would be to navigate this stuff as someone raised with it from day one.
As a trans woman, that part about being assumed to be dangerous hits. I used to feel so miserable that my friendly hellos were often met with frightened glances and hurried steps.
Now I get that less, although sometimes you come across someone who drank the terf kool aid and they are absolutely *terrified.* My transition is simultaneously removing and enhancing that experience at different times. Which... I had never really thought about at all. I learned a lot from this video even about my own experience in society.
This man absolutely killed it.
Mostly masc-presenting enby (only recently out) who used to live in Toronto with a partner, and one day we realized we had very different experiences of the city. I was like "Why is this city so frightened and distrustful?" And she was like "I don't see that at all; this city is very friendly and talkative." Think that was when I started thinking seriously about things like you talk about here.
It's just subtle enough to fly under the radar, but as soon as you start looking for it, it becomes shocking that it goes unnoticed the way it does.
@@FinntasticMrFox yeah, one of those "can't unsee it, can't believe it took so long to see" type of things
The part on giving compliments is very interesting to me as a gay man who takes it upon himself to compliment ALL of my friends regardless of gender as often as possible. I can get a bit heavy handed at times, so I always try to give space for my straight guy-friends in particular to let me know if I go to far. However, and it very well may just be my friend group buuuuut, I've found straight guys LOVE getting casual compliments. I've had multiple thank me for being so uplifting because their other peers just aren't. It's really sad to think about how emotionally callus the straight male world is when there's clearly a desire for mutual acceptance and encouragement in every part of our society
Oh this is absolutely the case! Where friends are concerned, my straight male friends are very secure, lovely guys; we hug, we tell each other we love each other, we exchange gifts just because. 💙
When it comes to getting to know new men, or being friendly with strangers, I've found I have to be a lot more careful. I think the vast majority of straight men are probably happy to get compliments, and that many of them are starved for more tender, platonic affection like that. Sadly, my nervousness goes back to it only taking a few who aren't comfortable for things to potentially take a negative turn, especially given that some guys get argumentative over things as simple as eye contact.
That makes total sense. When it comes to strangers I definitely feel a lot more nervous about complimenting people I assume to be straight men. First I have to decide if they can tell that I'm Queer, and then whether or not they would take a simple compliment as me coming on to them. Even if it doesn't result in violence, a misunderstanding along those lines is a surefire way to make a pleasant interaction awkward as hell. So fru-straight-ing 🙄
@@FinntasticMrFox As a straight cis dude, I think it comes down to what kind of compliments you're making. I've been delighted on each of the 5 occasions that strangers have complimented me in my 30 years old life - even if it was coming from another man. I think the space where it can become uncomfortable is similar to where it can become uncomfortable for women: when it feels like the complimenter is making a pass at you.
That takes us into a weird place where it's less about the perceived gender of the complimenter and more about the perception of the complimenter's sexual orientation. When [what I perceived to be] a gay dude compliments my jeans, the line between "is this person hitting on me or not" becomes a lot more blurry and I have to stop and think about a bunch of other factors that would help me figure that out. A man that takes offense to being hit on by other men would likely have a bad reaction to that same compliment even if they'd appreciate it coming from a man they thought was straight.
tl;dr - There's a delicate interplay of gender and perceived sexual orientation here that can be hard to navigate. Men like receiving compliments from strangers.
The world needs more people like you. People that reach out, put in effort to make you smile.
I'm a relatively 'meaty' guy and I've been told I have a 'resting bastard face' by people before so I tend to try and make myself less threatening by smiling and not making eye contact when I'm in public spaces. I'm married and I've talked with my wife about things like this before to get her perspective but it's really interesting to hear from someone who's experienced the issue from both sides. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences, found your channel recently and I'm looking forward to watching more of your content.
Thanks so much for being here!
Very thought-provoking video! Thank you for putting words to a lot of the things floating around in my head.
I'm starting to pass as male more and more, and this stuff has been on my mind constantly. My best friend of 6+ years (cis woman) got married a few months ago. After the ceremony when everyone was dancing together, I realized I couldn't dance with her without it being perceived as weird/inappropriate to the other guests, even though I had done so many times before transitioning no problem. She was my best friend and I wanted to celebrate her wedding with her -- there was nothing fucking weird about it. That was the first time it really sunk in that I needed to be conscious of other people perceiving me as a threat. To be honest it really, really bothered me.
I'm dreading losing the camaraderie I have with women. I've never been very good at interacting with men, so once I'm booted from the "sisterhood" I don't know what'll be left for me. I'm also a very passive and soft-spoken person, and the thought of men becoming even *more* aggressive towards me is frankly terrifying. Growing up repressed trans had its own set of problems of course, but based on my personality and how society treats non-masculine men, I think I would have been even more lonely and isolated if I had grown up a cis boy.
It's such a weird thing to navigate, and you bring up a really important point. Cis boys who are quiet and passive likely experience even more compounded isolation, though I guess the alternative for boys who connect through toxic masculine constructs is learning a lot of repression, which also isn't ideal.
I'm an amab nonbinary person, and have always been quiet and passive
Growing up, I always felt like I didn't fit in with the boys, largely for those traits and other similar ones, and heteronormativity kept me from getting close really at all with any of the girls (even despite the fact I later learned I'm aroace), so it did often leave me feeling lonely and never fully understood
I've even started to pass as a girl to strangers more often than not, and despite the fact that I've never really been toxically masculine, even when I thought I was a boy, it feels like the specter of ideas of men/amab people many hold, especially girls, still follows me around in some ways so I still don't really feel like I've escaped that "too girly for the boys & too boyish for the girls" limbo
@@SolarBeingAsh Aw, darling. Honestly sounds like internalized transphobia thing? Being "too girly for the boys & too boyish for the girls" is an experience _a lot_ of trans mascs also experience and carry it with them into their later life. Super common for a lot of trans people imo.
One of the things some people don't seem to realize is that the way people interact with gender has nothing to do with genitals. And going from one to another can seriously give one insight (unless one's name is Blair, of course).
Absolutely. It seems like other social privilege (particularly being white in conjunction with financial privilege) sometimes obscures that insight, but I really think most trans people having it is part of why we're so threatening to defenders of the status quo. We see the inner workings of misogyny and the imposed binary in a very revealing way.
Neither your parent nor friend. But damn, I needed to hear this. Autistic person, identify as NB, born male, and I am pretty sure you just explained things about interactions I've had in life that I've never understood before... Things that I have craved my whole life, but gotten very seldom, except to some extent during the years when I was an active participant in the Furry fandom. I kind of miss that, and I am considering going back to it.
But oh how I can relate to the frustration of being discouraged from other things traditionally considered feminine. Probably part of what drew me to the metal scene where it was acceptable to have long hair and long flowing coats and makeup even if male. And I liked and like the music too. (Though I can't really wear makeup, because my autism-sensitivities makes it impossible for me to apply it near the eyes, and it just becomes too uncomfortable after a while.)
I'm so glad it resonated. 💙 It makes a lot of sense that queer people are so often drawn to certain fandoms and subcultures that break gender roles and don't enforce cisheteronormativity. They can be such a refuge.
@@FinntasticMrFox I am watching another of your videos, and something that pertains more to this video struck me. One thing that baffles me is that when I come out as NB to women I just met is that they often visibly relax around me. And I don't understand why being Non-binary has that effect. I might be misinterpreting things of course, but if I am not it feels always feels weird, and somewhat uncomfortable. I do feel good when people around me trust me enough to not feel threatened, in fact it makes me sad that we live in a world where people need to feel threatened by anyone they don't know intimately, but the fact of me being NB feeĺs like the wrong reason for that trust. It feels like it's just plain luck that I am not an Incel, at least not the kind that thinks they have the right to coerce someone into intimacy, or anything, because they think they are a "nice guy".
The conversations my husband and I have been having about this through my Transition is eye opening to say the least. This video was FIRE 🔥🔥🔥🔥
“Often now other men just want to fight me now, over the most asinine stuff”
That’s just how men treat men, always be ready to swing 😭 this was incredible and your perspective is so interesting. I’m so glad I found this channel.
YES! This! 100%
This is a huge reason why I want to transition to not ever be perceived as male again.
I always have been hypervigilant when going outside anyway, even when presenting masc (even if the real risk of being attacked has been less then if I was perceived as a woman) but I would much rather have a higher risk of being in danger than to be seen as threatening and feeling like I am perceived as dangerous.
Being seen as threatening always made me feel so incredibly disgusting, it made me feel bad as a body interacting with the world on a very fundamental level - this combined with the bullshit one gets to hear for being autistic and adhd made me feel like I have to apologize for existing every waking moment, despite having done nothing wrong.
It is so horrrible I would trade it in for anything!
Trans Men have my utmost respect for taking this burden upon them
What an thoughtful compassionate courageous exploration of culture and gender. Truth: We, as men, are conditioned by a culture we can not be fully aware of. This is because our dominance-based culture of masculinity has been the water we swim in and the air we breathe from infancy. We are not even conscious of what we might have become in a different, or better even, much wider ranging set of cultural possibilities.
The cost men pay for this blind alliance to the narrow rules of the gender binary and the limited performances of masculinity enforced by the world around us are high indeed, up to and including, depression, anxiety, violence, and living shorter lives. The damaging impact we can have on the lives we impact is even higher. Which is why deconstructing our culture of masculinity, making it visible, is such a crucial step in moving forward. The work you are doing here, Finn is exactly that. Thanks for leading this powerful conversation.
It was heartbreaking before seeing the harm this does to boys and men, and living it for just a couple years has barely scratched the surface and already feels overwhelming. There is a lot of work to do, but the very problem itself gives men the opportunity to build those skills and rely on each other. Cis men who are having these conversations have been incredibly welcoming and supportive to trans men like me offering our perspectives, and it's that attitude that's going to bring all of us forward.
Dang, bro. I feel seen. Cis guy here... Having this brother say what has been on my mind for years and years.
Awesome video. I'm a masc enby and deal with all of the issues you mentioned daily... Keep up the good work
Dude this video is great. It actually really highlighted a lot of the difference in transition between transfemmes and transmascs. There's so much about our experiences that are similar, yet so very, very different. You actually also helped me understand my own transfeminine transition a bit better, and understand some of the things that I need to unlearn from my male upbringing.
Wow thanks for talking about this. I was afab and am nonbinary and medically transitioning and I'm really scared and sad about this. Not sure if it's already happening honestly cos my brain tells me that no one really sees me as a man. Also really interested to hear your takes on positive masculinity as id like to embody that.. if I embody any masculinity at all.
You embody as much masculinity as you feel correctly represents you, my friend. Non-binary inclusion and perspectives are essential in unpacking topics like this, and in forming healthy communities to replace toxic constructs.
Physically, I'm a large masculine presenting person. With long hair. and a mustache and beard.
When our kids were first born, their mom and I had to live in "subsidised housing". Because we were poor. Subsidised housing gets *lots of attention* from Law Enforcement, especially in a town of Upper Middle Class affluent people. We were the poor part of town, so lots of attention was paid to our apartment complex.
The Manager *HATED* me. From the moment she laid eyes on me. She saw me as the reason we were poor, she saw a potential violent brute at worst, and a lazy slob at best. All this woman saw in me was "big, long haired MAN who is gonna be an abuser". She was brutal as a manager. Because we were in Subsidised Housing, we were subject to regular inspections, to ensure our tenancy wasn't damaging the property. She inspected the apartment like a Drill Instructor and directed every criticism, every failure to meet her standards right at me.
It was also extended to interactions with Authorities. Walking at night to the store to pick up diapers at 10 at night, Law Enforcement pays *attention*. Because why is that guy on the street in this neighborhood at this time of night? Must be up to no good.
If you express fatigue about this treatment, if you try to talk about the challenges. You're complaining, whining, no one wants to hear about it because you're a man, and you're expected to endure everything stoically and silently.
when people say men are treated better it doesn’t really track to my own experience. It feels like they always have a specific kind of man in mind. I’m a 5’4 trans guy who’s usually read as a gay man, although I’m bi. people 100% were nicer to me and treated me with this sense of warmth when I was seen as a woman. Whereas I feel more negative judgement directed at me now.
I'm a Cis guy, so I have no idea what the experiences of women are like, but I was raised primarily by women (my mother, grandmother, female cousins, etc) and it was kind of drilled into me early on that how I come across was not nessasarily what I intend. Considering I'm also neurodivergent, I think that was probably one of the most important social lessons I could have learned, because I completely understand how my social awkwardness combined with the fact that I'm a big guy (6'3 340~ lbs) could come across as intimidating in certain circumstances. I think I'm pretty successful at managing how I come across considering I have a lot of women in my social circle and they all seemed pretty comfortable around me, but God is the assumption of hostility kind of exhausting sometimes. All things considered, I'm a pretty passive guy who's conflict-averse to a fault, so it kind of sucks when the two assumed interactions people have with me is being afraid or wanting to kick my ass for no reason.
I'm also half black, so there's definitely a racial component to it as well. I live in a pretty diverse area, so it's not as big a problem, but when I've lived in predominantly white areas there's definitely an added hostility. It definitely feels like a different sort of hostility, but I'm not really sure I can put it into words.
I guess it's kind of the difference between somebody looking over their shoulder at you when you walked behind them (which I avoid doing), rather than somebody looking over their shoulder at you after you walk past them or when you are across the street. The former definitely comes across as somebody being uncomfortable with your presence, while the latter kind of comes across as somebody being uncomfortable with YOUR presence if that makes sense.
The part about how there's no female privilege, you make an interesting point. It shows how everyone is disadvantaged by something because of the way we're viewed. Men are viewed as X and women are viewed as the opposite and it ruins everything for everyone. We should just do what we need to do. No stereotypes attached.
I found one thing interesting in the change in your video from 'Being Around Kids' into 'Attitudes To Men.' As a cis male maths teacher I experience a lot of privilege in that lots of pupils are more ready to accept a male teacher than a female teacher and so feel more accepted and welcome in a classroom than interacting with kids in real life. Its something I'd never thought of in those terms before
Non binary AFAB friend here, thank you for making this video! I felt the loss of sisterhood very deeply and it made me very sad and lonely. I never knew how to express that.
I'm very open with my emotions and passive in attitude so I've struggled to make guy friends.
I get looks at either bathrooms and if there's no family or gender neutral bathroom I'll seriously consider holding it.
I've completely transitioned now; I've had two gender affirming surgeries and I've been taking hormones for 3+ years but Gender Constructions are still hurting my daily life. We all won't be free till our society changes!
Thank you for your perspective. I am an enby who is masc-presenting and I relate to your experience a lot. Since my mannerisms can be seen as "feminine" and I am unwilling to participate in "bro-culture" I am excluded from a lot of male friendships.
I had more success in queer spaces, since more men there are not afraid to be "tender", if that makes sense.
My friend Bryan is the only guy I know that will tell another man he loves them. I told him I was proud of him for doing that and how cool I thought it was. He told me to thank his friend Luna instead, as he learned it from her. Which made perfect sense. 1. She’s going through way more emotional openness and opportunity 2. She’s trans and has seen both sides of the coin.
Suffice it to say I wasn’t surprised that my friend had only come to be more progressive after having a love one transition and hold out an open hand to pull him further along the path of growth. I’m sure he’d have gotten there eventually, but Luna did a lot of work for him and is a great friend to him.
Nonbinary bi afab person with a cishet-presenting boyfriend here.
He and I have gotten into conversations about this a lot, and honestly, he has brought so much observations and details to me that have wildly affected my perspective and enriched my stance on several points, much supported by what you've discussed here.
I've realized that this is a massively important topic that has been difficult to navigate because it merits a lot of patience and nuance. So I'm really glad this video exists. Thank you!!
I'm a black trans woman, and yeah you got this perfect.
The baseline assumption everywhere I go is that I'm gonna kill somebody I guess. And unless I'm with family I get treated like a weirdo for just existing in public spaces like the park or something.
Also, men starting fights for no reason only gets worse the more reason they have to assume people fear them-- But I do not have it in me to fight anyone let alone kill, so I've passed up a lot of perfectly good opportunities to throw my life away.
You shouldn't have to fight those fights in the first place. Are you okay? Do you have spaces with other trans people where you can be yourself and let your guard down a little?
@@FinntasticMrFox I have a small community of friends on discord but IRL no, never. On my good days I'm just a gay guy worth ridiculing and not actively trying to brutalize depending on where I am.
I have no real support net, understanding, or money on my part.
A lot of what you discussed has been on my mind for a while, but you explained it so well. I also work with children (pre and post transition), and love my job, but am also acutely aware of how the perception of me has changed now that I'm perceived as a man. Fantastic video, as always - looking forward to the one on positive masculinity!
as someone who is now stealth and passes as male (albeit an extremely fruity man) i've experienced so much of what you discuss here. great video thank you for putting words to what i've been adjusting to
I really appreciate this perspective. You've adeptly put into words something I've been trying to explain to my partner for many years. I remember the first time it came up when we were early on in dating and I asked if she wanted to go to the park with me to play some basketball or practice shooting soccer goals. She said "No, but you go on ahead and maybe i'll come out later." And I said "I can't go to the park by myself." She was perplexed. Did not understand. To this day we still have these kinds of interactions where I am trying to explain why I cannot do or say this or that thing and it seems ludicrous from her point of view.
I will say, having a female presenting person with you does help alleviate some of the perceived threat for obvious reasons. So does having a child. I have two kids now and whenever I am out with one of them that edge of being seen as a threat is greatly diminished. Other men are less likely to want to escalate to a confrontation and women seem far more at ease. The ease with which I am able to find help or assistance in a tough situation when with one or both of my kids versus alone is staggering as someone who has spent his whole life being so sure no help would ever be forthcoming.
Of course, to your point, this is a minor inconvenience most of the time compared to what women and feminine NB people experience. Except for when it provokes other men to escalate minor things into physical violence against me.
Thanks for the video. Your perspective is extremely valuable and has definitely helped give me some words to articulate something that has often been just out of reach of my ability to express.
Thank you so much for this, I hadn't even considered how much having kids would impact that "potential danger" stereotyping in public spaces, which seems silly given that I have definitely experienced the feeling of automatically being at ease for that very reason.
Couldn't it be argued that wariness paired with expectations towards men contributes to some of the most drastic emotional states they experience? I understand women wanting to protect themselves but men are overwhelmingly unaware of this perspective and when left unchecked for so long having never made such a connection to learn from it's not surprising what conclusions they come to all on their own.
Not the first time I watched this but it is really helpful, especially around the 18 minute mark when you're talking about anger and aggression as I've kind of noticed that although I have amazing friends who I can express and talk about my emotions with it almost feels like anger is off limits with most, mainly female friends and the only place I can deal with it is the gym for fear of being perceived as a threat. I've previously had this weaponized by an ex friend who would poke and prod at both me and her boyfriend who I was close friends with and when either of us got angry even though neither of us were outwardly aggressive and would usually either ask for space or just outright leave the situation to go for a walk and talk to each other we would then be flooded with angry phone calls about why we were scary and how she was having a panic attack because she thought we were going to hit her. After a few years it came out that she was beating him and using the stereotype of male aggression to keep him under wrap for lack of better phrasing.
I also used to be very hot headed at one point and needed therapy to help with emotional regulation and anger management, this has also been looked at negatively as a sort of "oh you needed help with managing anger, you must be dangerous. You must've done something awful to have to be put in that" whenever it was just a form of help I saw I needed and reached out for, much in the same way that I've also previously needed help with things like anxiety, eating disorders and other internal struggles that are seen as non threatening and therefore treated as more tolerable.
I really feel that part of sisterhood and women defending each other no matter how we hate each other most of the time. It's because of that, that I don't think I'd ever choose the male binary.
Its odd how traumatizing male socialization is, I'm generally in a better place these days as a transwoman but listening to your vid triggered some intense reactions from me.
Having dysphoric BS to work through is bad enough but being heavily bullied most of my childhood then reaching adolescence and being regarded warily as a constant threat and then having my emotions be ignored or more frequently mocked really fucked me up. It certainly did damage to my ability to trust and maintain healthy relationships (generally not exclusively romantic)
I was such an angry person back then, I really do not like remembering it.
17:08 A great analogy to this is is how in most classroom settings if one student decides that it would be ok to abuse their phone privilege in class, that could backfire on the whole class, leading to everyone not being able to use their phones at all.
Hi, Finn
Just wanted to say: you are very underrated.
Once I finish watching this video, I'll come back and comment again.
Please consider this comment an aid to the algorithm. 🙂
Thank you for all that you do and the information you share about the trans community to help cishet folks like me understand how to be decent/good allies.
Really, thank you.
Thank you so much!
I liked something Ryan gosling once said. He grew up being raised by a single mom and growing up as a boy to a man was difficult for him because he would see men in general as like wolves coming for him and his mom because his mom was young single and attractive and the way men were toward her was watched and perceived by him as her son as very gross and aggressive. He said growing up that way gave him a very unique male perspective and why it’s very much not in him to be a catcaller or creep.
I’m super late to the party, but came here to say not only do I appreciate your perspective specifically, but after witnessing potholes in feminism on all sides, the trans experience seems to be the most based. When it comes to gender, feminism, masculinity, etc. I’ll trust the trans take over the cis one every time
I really enjoy the ideas you brought up in this video, so I'll just be rambling for a sec.
I disagree with the point you brought up with female vs male solidarity, but i wonder why that is. In my life experience, I've never encountered a situation that made me notice or appreciate any kind of solidarity or community amongst women - any time I've been in an abusive relationship with a man for example, my female friends have always been the first to go and the least supportive. There are a few exceptions to that - I've had some friends who have stood by me and have truly made me feel that sense of female solidarity you're talking about - but typically that's only been the case with women who identified as queer or were heavily engaged with feminism.
On the contrary though, I've not just experienced male solidarity, but in my viewpoint it's one of the main ways in which female experiences are invalidated. Like, you'll be talking to your boyfriend and letting him know that a dude was unequivocally being really creepy towards you and he goes 'yeah maybe, but also, you can't really be sure you know what I mean? Like you know maybe he was just being friendly and he didn't mean it like that', to the point where the only way they'll believe you is if they hear it from another man. Like on several occasions I've had something awful happen to me, and when I've told a male friend they'd go 'yeah but how do you know he was being creepy? Did he really- oh yeah wow that's awful I see my bad'. This may just be a side effect of feeling like you're being unfairly judged, so they will assume everyone else is too. And I do agree with the fact that this solidarity is mostly theoretical - you'll have a hard time finding a way in which this framework translates to actual community building between individual men. But this kind of theoretical solidarity that determines which opinions get to have merit and which don't, is, in my opinion, very important to the process of both male and female socialisation.
But then again - I'm danish, so all of my analysis will come from a very different cultural lens than yours, and I'm sure some aspects of masculinity and femininity will be understood quite differently between the two of us for that reason alone. Also, all of these thoughts are sorta off the cuff, so I may just plainly be completely wrong and everything I'm saying is completely uninteresting.
Loved the video, great work!
Great video! I see a lot of myself in you. Small white thoughtfull neurodivergent and analytical transguy. Only I'm pre-transition. A lot of the subject you tackle are things I have wondered about myself. It's great to watch video's so I know a bit more what the future holds to see someone relate to the questions I'm also pondering.
These were things that i was aware of but had never pieced together. Thank you for putting clarity into a very sensitive subject.
I love my male friends but the more I think about it the more I find our friendships a bit shallow. I feel like don't know how to really connect and share feelings. Like it's literally not in our masculinity toolkit. Sometimes I think about how it would be if I tried to bring that up in a conversation and I think everybody would feel super awkward.
I hate that so much. I feel like we're trapped in this patriarchal masculinity shitshow :'(
Thank you for opening my eyes to a side of social interaction I was almost entirely unaware of.
I'm autistic, afab and non-binary (only partialy out). I tend to be wary around men that are drunk and/or show macho behaviour but other than that I don't think I pay much attention to what gender someone is. I'd imagine it takes a lot of mental energy to constantly keep in mind how one is seen by others due to their gender. I feel compassion for anyone who sees this as necessary to not come across as threatening.
The "sisterhood" thing among women you mentioned was pretty interesting to. It puzzled me why women tend to emphasize their gender with phrases like "us girls" or "women power" or the like. I probably wouldn't have taken much notice of it if they weren't so persistent in wanting to include me in those phrases. Anyway, I guess I understand this tendency better now.
Wonderful, extremely thoughtful video! And it certainly speaks to the experiences that my BFF and I have been going through over the past decade as we swapped genders! (She began transitioning 10 yrs ago, and I'm socially transitioned as a transmasc enby, currently waiting for the medical care I need.) I'm sending her this video to see if it resonates as hard for her as it has for me. One think we BOTH never needed to be told though - anyone who's lived as a woman knows that there is NO such thing as "female privilege"! XD
Great video. Typed out a whole rant about not being able to interact with kids as a masculine presenting person. Then decided against posting it, maybe some other day lol. This video is good food for thought tho, thx for making this
Looking forward to this, Finn!
I'm looking forward to the follow up, I'm super happy you're having this conversation
"there's only so many times you could be treated as threatening before you believe that you are"
Ouch
Also, love, love, love piano. Great choice for these talks. Soft piano or coffee house jazz are just spot on.
My sibling wrote the music! 😊
as a chocolate cis male I'd just like to say welcome....very thoughtful video and..... welcome to the brotherhood
Yo, im a cis-het male (for the most part, still learning bout that) BUT OMG!! I fucking love ur channel bro, this shit be healing Fr ❤️ keep doing what you’re doing 🙌🏽
Thank you so much! So glad you’re here. 💙
This music is great. This video was a great way to chill out from a stressful day
Great video Finn looking forward to more! Don’t burn out. Keep doing what your passionate about
Thanks, Em!
Found your page from FD Signifier. Glad to be here. Good stuff
Fantastic video! I got so much out of this. I don't know if this is welcome or accepted here but I'm realizing today (I watched your video last night) That this is helping me put words to a difficult experience I've never felt I could totally understand so here it is...
I'm cus female who has experienced sexual assault at all stages of my life. Several years ago I was in Southeast Asia (trying desperately to find a solution for my trauma symptoms) and after about 2 years I purchased a bicycle with the intent of touring.
The man I bought it from was about 6'2 and 250 lb. Not that that there's any guarantee that someone with that body doesn't fear assault. But this particular man did not fear assault.
I said I really wanted to camp but I was nervous about being alone. He suggested I camp in the bus stops. But I couldn't ever get myself to do that.
The first days of cycling were amazing and so freeing! But staying in a hotel at the end of the day felt awful, totally contradictory.
Then I remembered I read stories of other cycle tourists in the area staying at monasteries. Being allowed to hang up a hammock and stay in the courtyard for free. Which seemed like it would suit my purposes perfectly.
So the next night off I went to my next town and found the local monastery. The monk there spoke enough English that I was able to communicate my intention. And he looked at me like I dropped a bomb.
Because here's the thing... Culturally, women are seen as a sexual threat to monks. Women are not allowed to even touch monks, let alone sleep on a hammock in their courtyard, and whenever a monk disrobes it's assumed that some harlot somewhere must have tempted him away from his holy pursuits....
Now in this area of the world, ordination happens at such a ridiculously high rate that is ludicrous to think that everyone is cut out for such a difficult lifestyle.
So I had a taste of being seen as a sexual predator regardless of my character, regardless of my actions, and with 100% zero opportunity to prove myself otherwise.
I continued bicycle touring for around 7 months and only stayed in hotels because it was the only place that I felt safe. But it absolutely broke my heart and I hated it.
And of course in that area of the world there weren't nunneries.
I think your videos are great Finn and today I'm beyond grateful to bring a little more clarity to at least part of what was so distressing about this experience.
Of course the misogyny definitely doesn't help! Lol which isn't the focus of this channel so I'll just leave that there.
I like to listen to trans people about these issues more than to anyone else, cuz you have unique insights and I dont think I could have anything to disagreee with here. So thank you very much. I also like the channel called HealthyGamerGG, who is a psychiatrist, more often than not talking about primarily male social issues, I have to say it learned me a huge deal about things men face in this world and how much you know...learned me some bloody compassion. Can recommend to anyone, incredible dude...Also, can I make a "innocuously meant" comment? Your eyes are something else:-D
13:46 I do this too! I exclusively give non physical compliments.
Also I enjoy complimenting other men's sense of fashion. Like I'll say dope fit or I like x item you're wearing.
Contrapoints once phrased herself as possibly benefiting from the privilege of a [AMAB] upbringing, and the biases that that comes with. Given your even-handed approach (and in contrast, the very early age of learned-toxicity we saw in that Sneako video), my only notion of female privilege left is a pretty recent one: that is the 'privilege' of a female past. If women's relationships with one another, and men are known to be toxic with each other from an early age, it only makes sense that thered be some benefit to growing up outside of that and then entering the fold with a more mature and level head ...in theory, anyway. Theres obviously many other obstacles that come with your identity being invalidated 24/7
I'm going the direction than you in life, and so you're perspective has been very interesting to hear.
I'm a horrible person and forgot to come back and watch this video until now 😓
Amazing video, as always :) My partner is a trans man and this video mirrors a lot of what he has mentioned before.
You're not a horrible person! I forever have "I need to watch this" tabs open, I feel you. 💙
It's a pretty interesting experience, and the conversations I've had with other trans men have been fascinating for all the ways our experiences parallel (and sometimes differ, especially where racism is concerned for trans MOC.)
@@FinntasticMrFox well, maybe not *horrible*, but still :P I did say I would come back later that day
Also, the set you put together for this vid, is so cool! Especially the doggo on the table. That's the Dog who doth Bless!
You're a very bright young man. I'm a 50 yr old transman, and you mentioned things I, too, have observed and felt through transitioning. It's definitely worth a share. Have you acquired this through experience, your own search for knowledge / study, or through college courses. Or a combination of the three?
I look forward to more of your videos. Chin up, and keep talking. Knowledge destroys fear, and that makes it safer for us all.
the situations and examples you brought up were so great, definitely helped me understand your points
Awesome video, I really resonated with the bit about spiraling downward at 21:07. There's a conscious shift many men go through when they grow up and stop being perceived as boys where suddenly the world is just colder all of a sudden, and it can be difficult to not grow cold yourself.
That being said, I think it's important to discourse that we have a more holistic approach to the idea of privilege because at the end of the day, saying that female privilege doesn't exist while male privilege does is going to immediately alienate a lot of men who already feel that their struggles are being diminished. When people talk about privilege usually what they mean are the advantages of being a part of a group, and to me, why those advantages exist isn't really a prerequisite to something being a privilege, though that context is important and worth discussing.
I very much agree! I'll be revisiting this a little in my next video, because I've changed my thoughts here, due in no small part to feedback like this, so I appreciate it. 💙
Oh man. I was sad about all your privilege from the last video. But then you dropped that bomb about not being yourself around kids now and that broke my heart. It sucks that you have to think about that but you are absolutely correct. Folks make assumptions about men who are nice to kids. But everything you say about them is true. I work with kids and I’d hate to lose that ability to just talk to some kids.
thanks a lot for this perspective. It helps me a lot to think more critically about my feelings and work through them
This was a really great, empathetic video. I esp like how wrt the guy needing a cab anecdote, you pointed out how whiteness & racism have a major role in the interplay of how ppl navigate helping men when asked.
-- Michael-Giuliana
(they/them)
Can't watch yet, but will watch later today :)
I found that part about giving compliments very interesting because - the other way around - as a trans woman, that cautiousnes of giving compliments still lingers with me from when i was presenting male and i find it very hard to unlearn and compliment my female friends more often
I always hated the mistrust I experienced when I presented as male. I certainly understand it and it is entirely justified. The world is so much more friendly and welcoming now that I am seen as a woman.
8:57 ah the girl code! We are still learning about it but it definitely exists
This is such a fantastic video! Thank you for this.
White, straight, cis male here
I really really wish I could just say all the compliments that come to mind. I don't personally take much time in the realm of fashion; I'm a graphic T and jeans guy. But partly thanks to my wife, I have an appreciation for fashion. So I'll see a woman who's clearly taken time to create a very intentional outfit and I'd love to be able to compliment them but I know how it could be taken.
The one intersection I feel fairly comfortable complimenting for fashion is other white males. I don't think it's ever blown back at me... probably several guys have just assumed that I'm gay but that doesn't bother me. Of course that is not an opportunity that comes up often because it seems like most other white males are in the same boat as me (t-shirt and jeans).
That said, I'd never consider complimenting strangers on things they don't have control over like "I love your face". lol
This is one of my favorite videos of yours yet, thank you so much. I wish I knew where to go to build / access spaces to talk about this. I am a transmasculine nonbinary human and I have no idea how to cultivate and help build The Thing. I don't know if it should be a men's shelter, a helpline, a group meetup with facilitated discussion, etc. But it's so important.
Legit turned on notifications for your channel. First time I've done that. Can't wait for the follow up to this.
Thank you.
How to set up these resources is exactly what I want to look into, and I will absolutely keep everyone informed as I learn more. 💙
the thing that really upsets me is how men can't have normal relationships with children without people being creepy about it. we shouldn't just accept this. it needs to change.
You know what I like about your videos?, you speak clearly, and you stick to the subject in hand and you do not (unlike some TH-camrs), go off on a tangent, injecting things into the conversation that has nothing to do with what they were talking about.
i was linked this video but chill goblin so I haven’t seen part 1, but I have the opposite experience where I felt I never fully benefited from male privilege as a feminine boy and teen. It was obviously still a factor in my life but it seems like the more I embraced the masculine side of myself The worst people treated me and it’s as if that they saw it was a façade but now as I’m getting into my 20s I have fully come to terms with my gender identity therefore becoming more feminine I feel like i get more respect from people, even those that are somewhat bigoted, because I’m living my truth without a care for how other people think.
Hi Finn! Wow! I just finished watching the entire video LOL I tend not to skip the juicy little details at the end. I have to say that there were a lot of things that inversely resonated for me. Understandably so I might add being from the other side of the spectrum As You Are. There are still some hugely common issues but there are some definite departures that I noted but you are also aware of. I have had the unfortunate experience of being perceived as such a threat as you described both as a presenting masculine male but also as a male presenting as female. To say that this is painful is a gross understatement. I think maybe another conversation is in order my friend. Seems there is more to be unpacked! Nice guns btw... but your truth is much more meaningful and I am so grateful for it being shared.
Since male here. I like your channel. Can you speak to these?
There is an inherent assumption that women are more moral or trustworthy.
There is an inherent idea that women won’t sexually assault, especially children.
Also, since men’s spaces tend to be more aggressive, the responses are aggressive. You won’t be bothered because 1) your own aggression meets theirs, 2) it’s usually joking for power and doesn’t lead to a real fight, 3) even though a fight can happen. You need to be ready for that, always. It keeps you psychologically ready to protect and defend. It’s about being able to protect, especially those around you. Once you get use to it, have comfort in it (protect, power, prestige), you’ll get different results. Male status is always checked if you are new, the same way women “compete” for status/power among each other. It just shows up differently. I’m not familiar with how women do this, but you see the hierarchy in the group.
Also, complementing men is super easy. But, I haven’t experienced other men freak out over complement.
* got beard: bro… nice beard game.
* cloths: bro, looking fly
* successful in life: I see you doing big things out there bro. Keep it up.
* in shape: that’s what’s up bro. Keep getting swole out here
* beats you in a competition: you got lucky… naw jk. Good game. Got you on next one.
I was going to get some work done (yes, on Sunday) but ended up binging your videos with a couple ciders. And I don't regret it (at least right now, I'm sure I will tomorrow when I have to put in 12 hours of work ^^; ).
Pre-transition (wrong country, lol) transmasc enby here, and some of the things you're discussing feel like... threatening me with a good time? I do understand the negative implications, but being perceived as threatening in particular feels safer than being perceived as a weak non-threatening push-over. At least it does right now, I might change my opinion if I ever get the chance to live the experience.
Thank you so much for taking the time, though I hope it hasn't impacted the rest of your day too much! It's definitely a bittersweet experience; being perceived as threatening is more isolating, but *vastly* safer, and an easy choice over the alternative if it comes down to choosing. It's such a double-edged sword, because the "men are scary" narrative is a self-fulfilling prophecy in many ways, but that's on masc people to address and clean up, without question.
Again, I've always had a yang soul, and now I have a second degree black belt in goju-ryu. I'm tall and overweight and most men read my energy and go "Oh, OK, bad idea. I'll be over here." But I'm a woman. I'm cool with it. It's whatever. AND, to hit the triple-header, I'm white. So I often feel like I have ALL the privilege, and it's uncomfortable, even as it's incredibly useful... because I'm a massage therapist. Women have a huge advantage in my profession, because safety. The thing is, I'm still me inside, and I can still kill most people in a few minutes. So it's very, very weird, and I know exactly what you're talking about and I'm sorry you're dealing with it but I'm also glad you're doing OK with it.
such a good video man keep it up! youre my fave to watch right now♡
Thanks for the great video, this feels super relevant to me right now. I’m 3 months on hrt and my voice is down in the basement and I already passed pretty well before. But now I am noticing my interactions with people changing in a way they never did pre hrt. I am actually still sitting here asking myself if an interaction I had at the grocery store would have gone differently if I appeared to be a helpful lesbian vs a helpful man. I’m not sure if I should be offering help in some situations now to a woman who is by herself even in a crowded public setting. There was a woman with her two sons trying to get these big jugs of water off the back of the top shelf. And she had one of her kids standing on the top shelf getting the water off the back of the shelf and it was kind of dangerous, so I asked if she needed help and she was immediately uncomfortable. I didn’t think about it until I walked away that the offer of help from a strange man is not welcome.
It's so wild having to rein in the impulse to help people the way you used to, isn't it? I haven't quite figured out a solution yet other than offering while standing further away.
It's interesting hearing this as a trans woman with everything being the inverse of what i've experienced.
As a cis man, you talking about feelings made me get in touch with my feelings, which made me feel vulnerable, which made me feel scared, which made me feel angry, which made me want to fight you. How dare you make me feel things. JK kinda sorta not really but it's ok I love you Swolesome also I lied I'm actually nonbinary get punk'd
Bamboozled again.
Hype!
this premieres just a bit after when I get off work \o/
Such a good video !!!! So true king
Also as a trans masc non-binary person,,,,,, I definitely feel like I’m treated differently depending on how i present on that given day
Great video, tbh I belive transpeople have uniquely good position to talk about this issues. Perhaps not everyone as I can imagine that, especially if one is being rejected and pushed out a lot by cispeople of their gender this could make it harder. Anyway, what I am trying to say is when society first categories you into box A and then you manage to get it to categorizes you into box B you get to see what's inside of both of them.
As non-binary but very masc looking person I will always only know femininity internally. Masculinity on the other hand for me is like water for a fish, and it also makes it harder to grasp.
I think I am going to stick to transmen to learn more about masculinity.
1000th like
A lot of this sounds kinda bizarre to me, like I'm not sure I can relate to it... I never trained myself to act differently around men and women, or to pay close attention to other people's unspoken cues, to judge how they might be perceiving me. It sounds rather exhausting! I suppose that's why I've chosen to present as overtly nonbinary / genderqueer, to send a clear signal to straight people that I'm not the kind of person who should be categorized at a glance as either a man or a woman, because much of this subtext that you're describing as being part of other people's social interactions often goes over my head anyway. I realize this kinda bothers some people in real life, since in theory it is generally considered intrusively attention-seeking to broadcast my social "deficiencies" to the general public life, but... I think it does make sense to let people know that I don't see myself as traditionally male or traditionally female, so they don't make these category assumptions you mention.
Huh, it's weird, as a straight cis guy I never felt I couldn't be friendly with random kids or have fun with them. Then again I'm in europe so maybe it's different here?
Definitely, I think culture plays a huge role in this one.
I was kinda on the urge to say it.
Yes female privilage exists. I experienced it.
I wanted to shout, you doofus it exists, it protects women who are abusive towards men.
But I did not, although I've stated it I wanted, I do not. I do understand the phrase a bit differently (which I'll address at the end)
You expressed it (the concept) however perfectly, the expectation that I a 6'1 former EOD-soldier with combat experience would "let" his SO abuse him was so absurd to many that they did not accept the facts of the situation.
But yea it's a sideeffect of the sexist society we live in, regardless what word we associate with it.
People use female privilage as the idea of toxic masculinity is a forigne one as they don't understand it properly, (I know I didn't when I first encountered the concept of it)
Maybe by malice from certain groups maybe because the name is a bit weird one.
They however do see the negative effects society has on men, and with their (lack of) understanding this does look like female privilage.
I personaly don't put too much emphesis on the word or phrase used, but on the concept or the root causes.
As words, as stupid as it is, may scare off allies.
great video
“Female privilege doesn’t exist”
*explains a ton of examples of female privilege*
Just because something could or does go back to misogyny doesn’t make the outcome any different. Women are able to show emotion, have support from other women, etc. It doesn’t matter what it goes back to; the outcome are those things. Both male and female privilege exist and I don’t think either are inherently bad or even need to change as a whole. I just think it’s disingenuous to claim that female privilege doesn’t exist and seemingly making every issue that deals with gender and the short comings relating to them a distinctly men’s issue. We *all* need to work on internalized bias towards *everybody*.
I feel sad that's what you took away from that as I did my best to explain the nuance. Privilege, in the context I was using it, is accompanied by social power. The "privileges" women have are manifestations of the same construct that subjugates them, so I don't think "female privilege" is a helpful term given that it has commonly been used to dismiss misogyny. That is, it's been weaponized specifically to diminish the way women are subjugated.
And my next video is actually specifically about men and how they're harmed by gender biases, so I'm hoping you'll check that one out. This is one chapter in a whole series--it's too complex a topic to fairly summarize in just one video, so I've broken it into several. I'll get there, I assure you, because that's a massive problem.
@@FinntasticMrFox I took a lot more out of it. This is more so just the only problem I had with it; the thing I felt needed addressing because I can’t remember a problem with how you went about addressing the other topics.
I understand that there’s an ideology that suggests that the ones in power can’t experience the same things like when it comes to racism or in this case gendered issues. I just think this invalidates any struggles of the “people in power” just because they happen to be a certain demographic, places further blame on people just trying to live their lives, fails to address or even understand the nuance to the situation, and is even more problematic than if they were just honest in saying “yeah, everybody has problems”.
For your statement about people using female privilege to dismiss feminine presenting people’s issues and further their own agenda? Their points are wrong. That doesn’t mean to then make another wrong statement. It’s easy to address both issues and I know that *you* are capable of recognizing that nuance. “Yeah, we both have our privileges, but..” and then going on to talk about how even though that may be true, it doesn’t suddenly rectify the burdens women or just feminine presenting people face. Then, you’d go on to list some of the burdens to really focus on that point if you want. You could also talk about the differences in the privileges that men and women have and maybe the pros and cons of them, like how you did with some in this video; women are free to express themselves and be vulnerable in front of people, but only because they’re seen as emotional. And then making a list and comparing them and how this affects people.
I feel like male and female privilege affect different things. Men being emotionally stunted, but more respected and women being able to express themselves and learn and “find” themselves emotionally, but not taken seriously, so at the end of the day there’s just this disconnect.
Also, definitely gonna watch your other videos. Just here from a different video referring to this one
9:09 as a fellow man. I may have some insight. Height I think plays a role and physical presence. Either they perceive your height as weakness or your physical presence makes them insecure.
I'm 6' idk 280+ but never had an issue with people picking fights. I've always figured I'm just big enough that I'm not an easy target but not so big that I'm a challenge.
Or that's what I've inferred from my experience. It could be eye contact as well. I can read expressions faster than I can consciously process them.
Like just the other day guy invaded my space and like stared at me like he wanted to start something. From my peripherals I made the quick initial eye contact. Quick head nod, then moved on. Had I wanted to engage I could have idk kept staring but as I was skating I just kept going. Also helps I over apologize. Like I'll say pardon us if me and my dog remotely inconvenience anyone.
That being said, isn't life grand?
Not blaming you, sorry if it comes off that way. I just relate to the contemplation of the subject. Cause like why?!?! I'm such a pacifist.
Oh you might also make them insecure sexually. Like they think you're handsome and that makes them feel funny.
Edit: love what you say next. Lol
It didn’t come across as blaming at all! I love when people talk about their own experiences, it’s interesting and helpful-so thank you. 😊
Great stuff! Thanks for this
I don't agree with the idea that there is no 'female privilege'. For example, my husband expressed desire to miss some work when our children were born to both help with and enjoy time with our newborn. This was denied. I have also seen fathers who want to be able to flex their work hours so they can be home to get kids off the bus. I've routinely seen this denied or frowned upon for men, but not for women.
While this is a consequence of the patriarchal standard that "childcare is for women"... if we stop seeing these traditionally female roles as undesirable and embrace that men can also enjoy or be good at these things.... and these things (like childcare) are not undesirable.... then we would have to also dismantle the female privilege of doing these things alongside dismantling the toxic masculinity pressure against men doing them.
Same goes for asking for help, expressing emotion, not being viewed as dangerous, etc. Female privileges that exist as consequences of toxic masculinity.
My more recent content veers away from this position quite a bit. I've since acknowledged that certain terms or denying them isn't entirely helpful, because I agree. Double-standards often manifest as privilege depending on the circumstances, even if they come from an inherently oppressive construct.
fuck, the contact embarrassment is a doozy every single time there