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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 25 พ.ค. 2023
- Important followup video (re: female privilege section): • Female Privilege
Dog Bless.
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Happens to all of us! ✊
You’re a legend
Oh wow, thanks for stopping by!
it's so nice to see you around on so many channels i appreciate hehe
What the fuck?? Love it when my fav creators come together
*ADDENDUM*
So, perhaps appropriately, I made a mistake in this video. The “female privilege” section doesn’t sit right with me and did not come across as intended. I was trying to emphasize the complicated nature of patriarchy and the way it hurts men, but what I did was imply women are granted specific privileges at the detriment of others and… welp. That isn’t true.
I don’t want this just sitting out there unaddressed, both because it doesn’t reflect my position, and because I want to help people understand the important distinction here if I can. Please watch this video for clarification on that topic: th-cam.com/video/s3a1yzy0tAA/w-d-xo.html
Thanks, everyone! 💙🐕
It's a complex topic. The best I managed in trying to explain my point is "ok... Let's abandon the word privilage, and I'll say that the things I refer to as "privilege" [normalization of affection among the same gender, and freedom/normalization of displaying emotion] are things I'm greateful I'm permitted, without the potential friction of going against my internalized socialization.
It's essentially the "freedom to vs freedom from" argument. Except I think it often gets stalled because people aren't seeing the nuance of privilege being possible through both an advantage, a lack of disadvantage, or a combination of both. As well as being highly contextual. 🐙
Hey! I've being actually thinking about it, because while I didn't immediatly disagree with the concept of female privilege, your example didn't convince me. But I do agree there's a difference between sexism and other systems of oppression like racism or classism... I think it's the fact that women are much more involved in perpetuating that system? I don't know, but it's definitely more complicated and not black and white.
However, I don't think as women we perpetuate it because of certain privileges over men, since in the comparison we still end up losing. I think it's privilege over other marginalized groups, because in patriarchy, even if women don't have full autonomy, they are still an essential part of the system, with a clear role (mainly motherhood), and deserving of certain protections. Obviously I'm not talking about all women, but precisely those who do have an interest in keeping their position, because it feels better to belong than to feel marginalized by the system
🐙 I appreciate your nuance with this topic.
For what it’s worth, I’m a cis woman, mentioning this because my point of view may be more listened to because of that status. when I think of female privilege, I think of the red state that I’m from, and how a whole lot of women hold positions of power on the right. And not just in elected positions, but in conservative think-tanks and lobbying groups.
Patriarchy places men and women into fixed roles. The roles that are supposed to be the domain of women can be wielded as tools of power. In a lot of conservative women, I perceive patriarchal archetypes of women’s roles being wielded very intentionally. And it’s effective because we’ve all been raised in this patriarchal system where these archetypes do invoke deference.
🦑lots of food for thought in this video. something specific i been thinking about a lot over the past couple of years as far as the female privilege/patriarchy type concepts is that patriarchy has been around a lot longer than capitalism so maybe there is some sort of thing that rhymes with capitalist realism, like a more insidious ancestor that makes it really difficult to confront the issues effectively and frame it from the outside, which is why that sort of thing often gets bogged down. just sharin a thought im still thinking through that is in a similarish vein.
It seems that you're concerned about having come across like a MRA, or red piller on this - that women are protected and men are disposable?
For me you didn't.
Acknowledging that women can have privilege under patriarchy and everyone still suffer from that, does trip some people up.
It can be difficult to get across clearly, especially to those who are listening to criticise/ are scared to acknowledge their own privilege.
So it would be interesting to hear you expand on your example of gendered emotional expression expectations and how like everything, it's not a black and white thing 🐙
HOW DARE YOU be so thoughtful, introspective, and reasonable
in this economy of the internet?
D@mn Canadians.😉
“Even the most misinformed people are still people and should be treated as such” wow that hit
I’ve hated saying “toxic masculinity” to people bc there is no quicker way to get them to roll their eyes. “Patriarchal manhood” is such a better term! Thanks!
They're gonna roll their eyes no matter what, I can guarantee you the fact it includes "patriarchy" will garner mockery.
Right! People hear the name and think they know what it means and that it means men are toxic unless they are feminine 😢 when you name something you gotta make sure no one thinks they know what it is just from hearing its name unless they actually can. Obligatory macho behavior
In Spanish if an adjective is inherit you put it before the noun and if specifies which you put it after, so you could do it without having to say "the subset of masculinity which is toxic" [to men and other genders alike]. Which ball do you want? ball orange. Vs. Look at the beautiful golden sunshine. It's like ball orange, not like golden sunshine
I go for “shitty bro stuff”
I just explain that “toxic” indicates that it’s a negative sort of masculinity, which means obviously there is a sort of masculinity that isn’t harming anyone 😂
Maybe ...Inflexible masculinity? Less 'attack' sounding which just makes people feel defensive and more a description that some might feel they wouldn't want to be?
Whoa, I know this isn't the point but hearing "intentional misinterpretation for the purpose of power tripping, weaponizing correction to feel in control" hit me in the gut. One of my parents does that and I've never heard it so succinctly put into words. I had to pause and stare into the middle distance and I'm not even a full minute in 😅
I've been a bit of a Facebook comments warrior. I have been engaging with every person showing up to hurl transphobia at me as if they were worth my energy. It's been having a real impact on my mental health and what you said about telling the difference between real conversations/corrections and just harassment campaigns was very helpful. My block list is about to explode
I find it helpful to remember that you won't reasonably be able to convince most people who are hurling vitriol of your side. Engaging with them can be useful, but primarily to convince onlookers
@albadequadros5292 oof you are big late to the fight lol
@albadequadros5292 Finn clearly is perceived and treated as a dude, acts like a dude, and has no intention of changing that. It's very stupid to think that what equipment you were born with has anything to do with your personality. Does your manliness radiate from your balls lmao? 🤣
There are so many great takeaways from this video. Holding yourself and others to a higher - and more importantly - healthier standard is such a difficult lesson to learn but it pays off in kind.
Really appreciate this 💙 Saving for future replays!
There's such a profound insecurity gripping society right now. It is good to see someone approach this from a place of vulnerable security, I don't think a lot of people get to that place in their lives and I don't think we're encouraged to do so.
Something I was introduced to the other day was the concept of 'positionality' over 'identity'. You can approach topics considering the positional qualities of your person, in regards to a range of complicated social factors, rather than having it rest as a debate over worth, status, privilege, etc (things often intermingled with identity).
It allows people to offer their perspective, taking into account how their position within social stratas colours their experience. It's kind of just a framing that encourages the more productive parts of 'identity politics', while cutting off a lot of the nasty shit.
"Being wrong in the present means being right in the future" Love that!
Edit: 🐙
Emotional maturity is woefully undervalued in our society. Anyone can improve, and it helps to understand the benefits of doing so. Videos like this one are a big help.
I admit that my own first-reaction on seeing the video title was, "Oh no, what happened?" and braced myself for parasocial pain. I don't "like" drama, but I click because I worry about people. I don't want to see them hurt, but ignoring their pain is worse. Particularly because ignoring the pain of others is often how a person ends up causing yet more pain, and I feel the need to mitigate harm.
@@albadequadros5292 You keep making this reply to so many people's comments, and I can't understand what relevance that has to either Finn's argument or the comments themselves, so I don't know what you're trying to accomplish by repeating this assertion so frequently and with such little focus.
The pure Canadianism in your "Sorry" when you rug pulled that apology made that hit all the harder.
My first full video of yours (non-short) and I absolutely adore your perspective. So eloquent and insightful.
Bruh, why you gotta call me out like this? 🐙😅
Thank you for this video, it’s just what I needed. I’ve gotten better over time, but I still fall into the arguing against and correction trap all too often. When I feel my chest getting tigh, that’s when I know I need to really pay attention and think about why I’m about to engage so I can be more intentional. The physical cues are really important for me to know where my head is at.
i love the way that you say everything with so much compassion but without coddling as well. thank you for a great video
Thank you for always making such thoughtful content! As a trans femme person, I've found so much value in the videos you make and the way you approach "masculinity," it's really helped me understand and access my own experiences/feelings around gender. But more than that, I just love the way you show up to honestly put in the work; we're all learning, growing, and making mistakes.
This is just some basic, well-intentioned, common-sense sh¡t. Listen, listen, listen. THEN, decide what you think about what you've heard, not the other way around. This should be mandatory viewing for anyone aspiring to be an online influencer. And thanks for the couple of full-on crack up moments. Keep it rolling, Finn. 🤘
I wonder if people respond quickly because they are trying to simulate a conversation without realising it. I mean, youtuber talks for 2 minutes, they comment for 2 minutes, they watch a bit more. ..
Wow this is the first video I've seen from this channel and I'm pretty impressed. Subbed
I love love love the videography and editing at 12:23! ❤ thank you always for being vulnerable online
I love your perspective in this video; amazing work! Hope your whole self (online and offline) is doing well ❤
Swolesome new channel name Finn, one could even say Finntastic.
Something that has been sticking in my brain that I wanted to put out there is that a lot of the videos that I watch, mostly discussions and/or ideas, I don't actually find "entertaining". I do find them "engaging", they help me learn, and make me think but I'm not what I would call entertaining.
Andor, The Owl House, Reservation Dogs, and Dead End: Paranormal Park I am both entertained and engaged with.
CJ the X, Philosophy Tube and Contrapoints I find both entertaining and engaging.
Most Marvel shows, Unicorn: Warriors Eternal, Community, and Wednesday I am entertained by.
Lets plays, commander games like Game Knights, and actual play TTRPGs I am entertained by on TH-cam.
Where as you, FD Signifier, Jesse Gender, and That Dang Dad I find the videos engaging.
I hope I did a decent job of putting this partial formed thought out there, it needs more feedback I think.
Lot of very important advice for folks to think about. One of the things that I am always appreciating about being of the political persuasion i am is the fact that eating crow when your wrong is something valued, and I think sometimes it can be easy to lose sight of the fact that our ability to do so is not a static matter that is just yes or no.
Love your work!
Empathy? Compassion? Listening? *GOOD DAY SIR…I SAID GOOD DAY!*
And you even admit we can all be wrong as humans…😮
Dog bless
Engagement for the engagement god! Subs for the sub throne! 🐙
This is very refreshing to see online, thank you!
I'm glad for this analysis. I've been part of an ill-conceived accountability process that left deep scars, and shook the things that weren't helpful to shake. But I knew that it happened so badly because the process is difficult to do right. It's really good to hear some details around what makes accountability good.
Thank you 🐙
I appreciate your gentle tone and you've given me a lot to think about, beyond even your topic.
You are so eloquent I wish I was so good at speaking
Love you, Finn! 🦊
You ARE based! 😁
🐙 learning how to listen to understand is definitely difficult. I think part of that difficulty comes from the way we are taught in school. Being wrong had very real negative consequences, especially when standardized testing became a thing.
Also, your voice is very calming💛🤍💜🖤
This video, and your responses in the comments, are all very encouraging. (Note: I was never *dis*couraged, I just... words.)
Thank you for this video 🙏🏼👏🏼😊
Can't wait to watch the whole thing! (Showed up toward the end of the premiere because I was taking my kiddos lunch!) Loved what I saw so far! Thanks for your hard work in putting these discussions together. It's so important! 🐙🦑 (Neither of these look like the one I saw. lol But, I tried! I couldn't find one that looked like yours!)💜 Take care, my friend!
Now this got to see!
🪼Thank you for another fantastic video!
The truth is that I typically skip videos with this type of title, I honestly only watched this one because I give you the benefit of the doubt more so than most other creators that I follow.
"This video will make you mad" (Oh, I don't need any help with that 😅)
Very fair! It was intended to call in a specific audience, but I also hate clickbait so I changed it to something a little less clickbaity (that still worked with the setup in the video, hopefully.)
The part about assuming good faith when you’re getting critiqued is something I really need to take to heart. Thank you!
Chill, challenging and worthy of reflection as always. Keep being you!
This video is almost 50 goddamn minutes long.
Super long essay videos are TIGHT.
I really enjoyed this, Finn :) Thanks for being so soothing about such scathing topics. It's a real skill!
And BABILA's editing is so heckin' dynamic! I love it!
Excellent video as always!
Thank you for helping with it!
Just found your content, really great stuff, uplifting jn the way that it encourages you and teaches you to examine your own shortcomings without attacking yourself, thank you for doing the good work
I love your encouragement of compassionate listening and giving people the benefit of the doubt. I think everyone needs to watch this video. Great job and as always, you are very well-spoken. I'm currently reading Zen and the Art of Saving the Planet and I think you'd really enjoy it if you haven't read it yet :)
This was quite timely for me, thank you for this 💜 🐙
I think that a lot of the "advantage tokens" that come with "disadvantage tokens" are the result of making lemonade out or lemons, finding ways to work with resource limitations, or simply learning to make the best of bad situations. They're not a natural byproduct, but the outcome of people learning to exist under the disadvantages.
What a great video! Feels like a very important video especially for the broader leftist online community. There were moment's where I felt uncomfortable and aversive but that's only because it was forcing me to reflect on how I have taken on some of these problematic behaviors at times 🐙
I love your thoughtful empathic approach to conflict. The ability to accept criticism and respond thoughtfully to it is a quality I deeply admire (shout out to Jessie Gender who is particularly good at that). I personally admire you and your content very much to the point where you’re kind of my transition goal. Sorry if that’s TMI, but I want you to know that you are reaching people, and moving people with your content.
good on you for making the video and the work Finn
even thought we know its a good atepment to helping other people and ourself grow it an emotional work that can take a lot from you, and ill bet its extra hard as a contect creator
I dig your content brother, thank you for sharing! 🤙🏼🐙
I unlocked a level of personal happiness when I took on the mental approach to life of assuming positive intent and I feel like that’s a core pillar of what you’re speaking to in this video (and others, honestly). I am left feeling a sense of not only being seen, but also being understood after watching this. Keep on being rad my dude!! 💚
This message is so important!
@@albadequadros5292 Merry Christmas to you too.
Should you be open to lern about how biology works in simpler terms (because it is a very confusing, complicated topic) then I highly recommend Jackson Wagon's video: "Matt Walsh is WRONG about sex | The Biological Sex Constellation"
Thank you, man.
I feel like I really needed this right now.
love this vid 🐙 its esp helpful for me since im preparing on uploading vids soon >:)
i see you made a comment on the female privilege section and are making a video on the subject. but i thought i would share my perspective and experience with the subject of expressing emotions.
when ive expressed emotions that are deemed as "ok" for women to express, ive had the opposite experience. it reinforces the negative stereotypes that many people have about women. if i express that im sad or cry openly, im weak. if i express outrage or stand up for myself, im histrionic or PMSing. this leads me to feel like i cant express these emotions so i wont reinforce negative stereotypes about women, so i wont let my whole gender down in a sense.
it reminds me of an anecdote in a book im reading in which a group of prospective surgeons witnessed their first surgery. when one of the female students started to look green and queasy, another female students grabbed her arm and said something to the effect of "dont you dare faint." the implication being that if a woman fainted it would be taken as evidence that women are unfit in the medical field.
im not denying that men face emotional repression under patriarchy, they absolutely do, but im dubious that women have any privilege over men in this regard.
That’s one of the things getting talked about, and I appreciate you bringing it up here. 💙
Patriarchal misogyny is at the root of policing emotions for both women and men; I was wrong with that example, and I want other men to understand why, bot to mention understand that the solution to not being able to express emotions as men is to dismantle misogyny.
Wow kiddo! There is so much contained in this video of yours. Been following you Finn for quite a while even though I haven't reached out and chatted with you recently and not because I didn't want to. As far as I can tell you are striving to be your best self. Got to have that to live your best life. Authentic and genuine as always. Tons of stuff in this that I'm contending with in my own life. Such is the way of this journey. We are the sum of our experiences. How we see them whether it be positive or negative is a choice we make. Those choices determine our path forward whether they be positive or negative also a choice. That's a rough quote and I'm not entirely sure who wrote it. Recognizing mistakes and holding myself accountable is the Cornerstone of my authenticity as I see it. For the longest time I saw getting it wrong as a negative that impacted my identity. But I think that was because of how I perceived criticisms. That isn't how I see things nowadays so much. These days I don't get it wrong so much. I look back at this with nostalgia it's about getting things wrong life was far more entertaining! Again my friend well done! You are still one of my most favourite Humans. As was said to me recently I will say to you. I think you are a catalyst for change. We are
🙏🦋🏳️⚧️🇨🇦❤️ Phoenix. Namaste Finn
Thanks for making the good content! ✨🐙
Swolesome is the perfect name for what you're doing 🐙
It isn't when not black and also if enabled any longer for it to culturally (mis)appropriate and/or exploit, while erasing the most marginalised culture and the black community and when passed off as "millennial, gen X, Y, Z, Internet" "slang"?
Bro has the map of gta 6 framed on his wall
I actually found the term toxic masculinity very useful. As a sys man, I got defensive hearing it until I understood that the toxicity was about the role not about me and that it was harmful both to men and non-men alike. Just like "toxic" chemicals burn both those that produce them and those that do not, toxic masculinity is harmful to men. That said, the term has been used a bit too much so maybe a rebrand is in order... Maladaptive gender conformity? Too clunky.. I dunno
Outstanding content & enlightening perspective as always, Finn! TYSM! Honored to be among your fans!❤
Sometimes it takes me a while to unpack and process with a few watches, so I don't have any thoughts to share/add yet, but thank you 🐙
You should read audiobooks, your voice is so soothing
🐙 thank you Finn 😊🙏🏼
Beautifully said
I can’t believe I’m going to make a trivial comment about the editing on what is a thoughtful & well spoken presentation, but all that chopping & zooming is distracting & completely unnecessary. Some, for impact, yes, but constantly? No thanks. Well anyway, I’m an old fart, but I love what you have to say & that you’re saying it.
Dangit I'm gonna miss the premiere! Will come back and edit this when I get to see it 🤘
edit:
1. This is very good and helpful
2. omg SWOLEMATES! I love it
3. Also love these looks! That blue one is the best kind of bonkers 😃
Such a hard topic for me to process at this point in my life (which means I should probably focus on tackling it head on). I was an activist from a very young age, since I was 16teen I’ve been discussing political and social issues with people twice my age, believing that they they bigotry comes from a place of misunderstanding or being hurt. For 10 years I’ve tried to be empathetic, understanding, forgiving, but for one reason or another when Covid hit and those same people who hated LGBTQ community and were racism also turned out to be Covid deniers and were putting myself and my colleagues at risk I broke. Or maybe something broke within me so for the last couple years I don’t have hope. Tbh I’m filled with hatred and I know that makes me similar to them but I’m past the point of caring. I want to heal for myself, stop being so resentful and maybe I just need to own up to the fact that I can’t be an activist anymore, that I need to focus on myself and that I just don’t want to try anymore. Maybe the only way to get out of this situation is through, just being honest. I don’t know. I have very many feelings and not one answer. It’s a great vid tho!!!!
Alright, Clearly trying hard, credit where its due. Thanks for making your efforts visible in this manner. Helps when trying to keep emotional reactions at your videos in in check, helps see your arguments for your words more clearly.
🐙 This was such a great video, Finn.
🐙 This was pure gold, and I think it's a perfect companion piece to Khadija Mbowe's recent video about apologies.
Loved the video! 🦑
The different presentation was so cooool
Lotta good suggestions on being more helpful with crit, and taking crit better. Thanks!
Also, you apparently nailed the angry -at-clickbait people. Wow.
I KNEW YOU DID IT!! /Jk might miss this one but I'll watch right after work ❤️
waka waka fr
I almost didn't watch this because I thought it was going to be some form of appology video.. Pleasantly surprised. Also, I'm all in for this new wave of click bait for the good (Edit: 🐙)
I like Thunderfoot debunking Musk as an example of it I like. I find the Keffels thing confusing and fear being @ed. I am sad Natalie Wynn slowed her productions to a trickle. I'm not a gamer so my interactions all around lessen in that regard. I dislike the kind of things Blair and Buck do. Anything I just listed is seen through my eyes as the fallibility of humans like this essay describes. It's been my default for many decades.
Btw, I love alliteration.
I feel my traumatic childhood and bullying endured pre through teen years enabled my developing seeing humanity, having empathy and an altruism for the marginalized, poor and humans losing agency.
Hi, I'm me. Hope you're doing well. Best wishes. 🐙
Wish I could relate to this but I’ve never been wrong in my life 😇
🐙
🐙 It is so damn refreshing to hear this from someone in the left online space. I consume left content broadly and it's infuriating to find creators I enjoy and have gotten so much from losing their goddamned minds the moment a creator says or does something they don't like or when they're on the receiving end of criticism. It just hurts my soul. Thing is, I empathize with both sides most of the time this happens... even when I think criticism or correction is warranted it's very seldom done in good faith and even when the criticism is completely bogus and bad faith the response of anger and defensiveness is just so over the top... I think the most disappointing interaction I saw was a TH-camr made a video on drama and correctly identifies that it was toxic, counterproductive and why that was the case and then STARTED DRAMA IN THAT SAME VIDEO.... And the worst part is this could be about half a dozen videos that exist out there..
I guess thanks for being positive when it's so hard to do. The toxicity sometimes seems inescapable, thanks for being the bigger man.
I'm pausing to ask where you got the blue and black shirt. I need it omg!
26:21 THIS is probably one of the biggest issues I find in social justice (after 12 years of experience). With some issues, suggesting restorative justice rather than punishing the person seems to be *controversial*, despite the fact that restorative justice could actually create REAL violence prevention and truly reduce harm, even if it might not feel as good in the moment.
🐙T hank you for your vulnerability and accountability. So many points that prompted some self reflection and validated my method of engagement online. Indeed online/offline balance is essential for wellbeing. I appreciate this.
Bonus appreciation for pyjamas and the "Friend of Garek" shirt.
Hey I'm one of the Muppets in your comment section, love you hun ❤️
Not relevant but that blue & black top is gorgeous
Your channel description says you “do flips sometimes.” Where is that video?
My acrobatic stuff is mostly on my Instagram! Haven’t had access to a tumbling space in a while though.
🐙 🐙
"punishment doesn't work"
My abuser has circumvented this fact by saying "this isn't a punishment, it's just the consequences of your actions"
Excellent video that more people need to see. The world would be a much nicer place if everyone was willing to learn from their mistakes and grow and move passed them. 🐙
One thing on my mind is that it won't change unless the media changes, because we cannot possibly change everyone if the system promotes certain behavior. This is not an attempt to detract this video because I agree with you, however i know that this video won't be shown to everyone who starts on social media and even if it did there are billions of people online and not everyone will listen with an open mind. I am unsure how we can change this due to the nature of social media but yeah. Lots of love
@@albadequadros5292 There is no such thing as "biological woman" get your biology right lmao
I’ve got nothing to add, I just love this video 🐙
Nobody is 100% right or 100% wrong all the time. We should all be learning and adjusting as we sail through life. Sometimes the scars we carry from previous situations make it harder to listen to other people but debate and conversation should always be open. I may not always agree with someone’s views but I would love to know why they have them.
I am a left leaning feminist but most of my family are very conservative. We disagree but we still debate. And being a feminist, I have to understand the men have many shackles and social constraints that I have not experienced. Being content with my body doesn’t stop me listening to people who have dysphoria. Being older doesn’t mean I can dismiss the burdens that people growing up in the age of the internet are experiencing. I question my reactions constantly. I will always stand for women not being gaslighted or ignored and being treated with respect. However, this does not mean I am entitled to do that to anyone else just because they aren’t female.
I’ve got a lot of thoughts about what privilege should mean in this context, and I think it’s generally about structures of power as opposed to general benefits or harms. Lots of things can be benefits, but privilege is specifically about power. “White privilege” can mean not having to be scared of the police, it can mean not being discriminated against for a job, it can mean greater access to capital and other things that give you influence over others. These are not just benefits of being white in the same way there are benefits of being black or any other race (culture, community, etc.), but specific ways of benefitting that involve power, control, and safety.
I also think it’s somewhat inaccurate to say men are “subjugated” (and I would ask - by whom?) by being told to hide their emotions, because I think subjugation is about someone else having power over you, and I don’t think it’s accurate to say women as a class (not as individuals) have control over men in our society. The stereotypes of men and women are used to create hierarchies which place men above women, so while they do harm men, the harm actually comes from the power they are given (privilege), and the push to maintain and increase that power. A man who cries may be seen as irrational and weak, but even a woman who doesn’t cry is already perceived as irrational and weak by default. Being taught not to show emotion harms a person, yes, but the fear of showing emotion stems from the fear of losing power and respect, something women aren’t given in the first place. A man who cries becomes closer in the hierarchy to a woman, so the idea that a “good, strong man” doesn’t cry certainly harms him, but I would not say that women are exerting power over him, have privilege over him, just because women are already lower enough in the hierarchy that they are assumed by default to be overly emotional and incapable of reason.
Really, what we need to do, I think, is understand the ways we are harmed by our own privilege, our own power. Power is not the end all be all of a good human life. A good human life looks different for everyone, of course, but it generally involves things like connection and fulfillment, which privilege and power alone won’t give you. The reason men feel they can’t be vulnerable is because doing so would make them lose some of their privilege, their power - they would lose being seen as a tough, masculine, rational, respectable man, which is a source of power. And we are taught power is everything, but it isn’t.
Patriarchy harms us all, but is it helpful to say that women inherently have privilege by virtue of being women? I don’t think so, because I think that fails to understand the larger picture, which is that patriarchy creates two social classes, one of which is on top with greater power and control, and the other is on bottom with less power and control. What we need to understand is that trying to be at the very top, seeking power, isn’t necessarily healthy or good for a person - it often won’t bring you happiness. Abusing your privilege isn’t good for you, because it drives a wedge between you and the people you care about, between you and your community, and oftentimes between you and yourself - your desire for power and control conflicts with your inner conscience and desire to be vulnerable and in community with others.
And perhaps the biggest reason it is just difficult to hear someone use the phrase “female privilege,” as an afab person who is nonbinary but is generally perceived as a woman, is that I’ve only ever heard that phrase used in a misogynistic context. It’s used to prop up the idea that patriarchy does not harm women because women benefit from patriarchy just as much as they are harmed by it. That simply isn’t true. If the only benefits you experience come from having less power and therefore being seen as weak and in need of protection, that sure doesn’t make up for the fact that you don’t have power. I’d much rather pay for my own meals and have control over my own body than have someone else pay for my meals and lose my autonomy. Obviously you know women are subjugated by patriarchy, but I still think the sort of “all sides” mentality (in this case, “women and men both have privilege”) really detracts from the realities of discrimination, hierarchy, and power. And I think it minimizes women’s experience of very much not having power in our society (based on their womanhood; of course many women do have relative power in other regards, such as wealth or race).
The psychological harm men experience in our society needs to be acknowledged and addressed, but we don’t need to frame womanhood as a source of power in our society in order to acknowledge and address the struggles of men. In the same vein men are harmed by being taught to suppress their emotions, women are harmed by being taught they are inherently irrational and inferior. There’s no female privilege in the realm of emotions - just social control harming everyone by telling them who they are and how they should express themselves. And ultimately, women’s bodies and choices are controlled to a greater extent than men’s because women have been turned into second class citizens to be exploited and controlled, and while it’s not a competition, understanding how the structures work is necessary to undoing them. “Every group has some privileges over others” just isn’t a fair depiction, and paints an inaccurate picture of hierarchical structures. My message would be: We are all harmed by being pitted against one another, and while those at the bottom are harmed the most, those at the top would in many ways be happier were they not constantly working to maintain and gain power over others (and were they not isolated by this competition).
Sorry but ”men avoid showing emotion so that they don’t lose power” is a crazy oversimplification. Maybe it is one of the many reasons behind the behavior but the primary reasons are not wanting to be harrassed and ostracized by your peers.
You also go on to say that men have respect and women don’t. It’s true that society broadly doesn’t respect women the way it respects men. However, within your social group, there is usually mutual respect, due to gender separation etc if nothing else. It is better to be yourself and have only your friends respect you than to pretend and have all of society respect you. I say this as a bisexual man who did a whole lot of harmful pretending over the years.
@@viinisaari Thanks for your thoughts here, I think I did a poor job of explaining some of my thoughts and didn’t express the empathy I should have. I was really not trying to say that men are always striving for power or that that’s their biggest motivation for suppressing or hiding emotion, but in hindsight I did come across that way. Here’s the point I meant to make: I believe structural privilege refers to the way certain groups are afforded power in society, but privilege (power) does not inherently afford a person wellbeing and in fact can do the exact opposite. Obviously things like money/livelihood and other base needs that privilege helps a person to obtain enable that person to have a base level of wellbeing, however, privilege does harm to the privileged in other ways.
Men are systemically taught not to express emotion through the repeated lesson (often through bullying and even emotional abuse) that expressing emotion will lose them the respect of their peers and the respect of authority figures, perhaps most harmfully their own parents and family. And the way that men as a group are on average afforded more respect than women in society - through stereotypes that men are stronger, more rational, and more capable - is a source of power. So individual men are ultimately taught that showing emotion means they will lose the respect of others, which can be a source of power as I was trying to say. But also, yes, as you point out, you don’t just lose power by showing emotion, you can lose connection, validation, and much needed relationships and put yourself at risk of truly awful ostracism and even harassment if you express yourself.
I think the connection I was trying to make is that structurally, the reason behind why men are taught to suppress their emotions is because enforcing that social expectation on them allows patriarchy to perpetuate itself by maintaining the myth that men are inherently more rational and thus more capable and valuable members of society. This ultimately benefits the wealthy and powerful men at the top, and I would argue most men are actually worse off in terms of their happiness (outside of basic material needs being met) because of patriarchy and thus would not choose this system if given the choice. Patriarchy continues because powerful people and social forces perpetuate it. Individual men don’t go around thinking things like “I have to hide my feelings so I can get a promotion and exert power over others.” But structurally, the collective effort of men (that many men would not choose for themselves were they not under so much pressure) to hide their feelings does help the group to maintain power. And individually, hiding feelings can help a man to maintain power, but that is not usually what motivates him to do so - hiding feelings helps men to avoid truly horrible backlash.
Patriarchy preys on our insecurities to maintain itself, and the people placed at or near the top of the hierarchy are told “you can stay here or move up, but only if you get in line.” That is incredibly damaging to those people themselves in addition to the people they are taught to actively hurt or ignore in order to get to or stay at the top. Patriarchy teaches men to be stoic and suppress their emotions themselves, and teaches everyone of all genders to enforce that role on men.
So I really oversimplified and was honestly insensitive to say men’s decision to hide and suppress their feelings is all about power, you’re right, it’s not. And yes, the amount of respect you receive within your social group is incredibly important. This is a point I was actually trying to get at - we would pretty much all be happier if we didn’t try to live up to the roles society places on us. I just came at that from the perspective that trying to live up to those roles is an effort to maintain or achieve high social standing and thus achieve power, but there is more to it than that. All else being equal (a big caveat), a man does have the ability or potential to achieve greater social standing and power than a woman. But that doesn’t necessarily mean a man is better off, because as you get at, most of us would be happier being ourselves and having lower social standing than trying to fit into a prescribed role and having higher social standing.
I was trying to differentiate between the general idea of being better off, which can mean many different things, and the specific idea of structural privilege, which I think is specifically about power and influence. So I would say men have structural privilege while women do not, but men can be worse off than women in many ways not just in spite of that structural privilege but also because of it. Because being told you are close to an ideal (that is actually impossible), such as the macho and incredibly successful man, and thus being pressured your whole life to achieve it, being pressured to strive for the highest social standing, the highest salary, the most respect from society at large - that’s terrible for a person’s mental health and ability to connect with others. Basically, I think women don’t have privilege, but that doesn’t mean women are never better off. Because privilege does not equal happiness or wellbeing.
@@val.628 Thanks for the thoughtful reply. I think I agree with most everything on the structural level. I don't even think the micro and the macro are at odds here: personal motivations of wanting to get along with your friends etc. constitute larger forces with more intricate dynamics for men and women in general. I just got caught in the micro level here because this kinda stuff directly reminds me of my personal experiences (thanks for striving to be empathetic and open to that too!).
Another thought: I guess we might be missing a social class/ingroup-outgrup distrinction/whatever within men, too. Some men are have an easier time assimilating into hegemonic masculinity, while others struggle more - at the end of the spectrum, you have queer men. So if you as a man have a really hard time performing the male role (regardless of sexuality or gender identity), you wouldn't really have male privilege, at least to the same extent. Or would be oppressed by hegemonic masculinity? I'm no expert on the nomenclature or the theory here, just a thought.
@@viinisaari Great points. In a gender studies class I took where we talked about hegemonic masculinity, my professor explained that all men are pressured to strive for hegemonic masculinity and those who are closest to that ideal gain the most social status and those who are furthest are socially punished, but all retain some degree of male privilege. This can come in with things like people seeing men in general as more competent and rational than women, which often still applies to men who don’t “achieve” hegemonic masculinity. But oppressions intersect, and that’s where we need to bring in an understanding of intersectionality because society is not a straightforward hierarchy where any one person is clearly on top of or below any one other person.
You can have a straight woman and a gay man and both are oppressed in unique ways and have privilege over the other in unique ways. While a gay man may on average be seen as more competent than a woman and have more bodily autonomy, a straight woman may be seen as better “serving her purpose” in society and thus be treated with more compassion and less othered. It’s complicated, and the roles we’re all placed in as individuals come from our intersecting identities and other unique personal characteristics, and the unique characteristics of where we live, our social circles, our families, our fields of work, etc.
But the structures that oppress LGBTQ+ people and women are in many ways the same - demonizing femininity, associating femininity with weakness and irrationality, placing feminine people in submissive roles, pressuring everyone to fulfill their designated role as only either a man or a woman. For all the oppression masculine women face, there is also an odd dynamic where men are less interested in dating them but tend to treat them with more respect, more like equals, like “one of the guys.” So if you’re perceived as a woman (I’m personally nonbinary but that’s not how people read me, and many people don’t even know that nonbinary people exist or think to assume anyone is nonbinary), it feels like a lose-lose. If you’re feminine, you’re considered more attractive and you’re doing what you’re supposed to do and your expression/presentation is uncontroversial, but you’re treated with less respect and read as less rational and competent. But if you’re masculine, you’re treated with more respect (in many situations) and read as more rational and competent, but you’re deemed less attractive and even gross, and can be harassed for it. Neither of those options is fun or safe.
And then there’s the intersections of womanhood and queer- and trans-ness, where I sit, and it’s really complicated. I doubt I’ll ever live in a world where society truly treats me as anything other than a woman, if a queer one, and that’s really hard. I’m not someone who feels uncomfortable in my body, but I do feel uncomfortable with how people see me, and the assumptions they make about me. People’s perceptions of me are shaped by misogyny, heteronormativity, and cisnormativity, and that prevents them from seeing the entirety of who I am as a person. I’m grateful for the ways I’m allowed to express my feelings in social settings, friendships, and relationships, and I know my mental health would be worse off without that. But I also resent being stereotyped as crazy and irrational and incompetent because people see me as a woman and women are seen as those things, and on top of that, based on my being openly queer and nonbinary, being seen as weird and gross and honestly silly and outright stupid a lot of the time (people do not respect nonbinary identities).
I wish there was a better discourse in our society for understanding the structures of compulsory heterosexuality, which I think really effectively encompasses the mechanisms of patriarchy and heteronormativity, under which people are both pressured and assumed to be heterosexual women or men and women are assigned the role of serving men and bearing children and men are assigned the role of protecting and providing for the family, as well as assuming control and power over others, both in their personal relationships and politically. The system perpetuates itself so insidiously through the gender binary, misogyny, queerphobia, transphobia, colonialism, and capitalism, as we all learn the roles we’re supposed to play and that the best way to be treated well and succeed is to put others down, constantly competing with one another for social, political, and monetary capital.
I really hope we’re able to form a stronger and more connected community among all marginalized people, and ultimately among everyone, because capitalism teaches us to constantly see others as competitors for scarce resources, and the systems of oppression we live under teach us to put up walls and see the world through an us versus them lens. A better world would understand greater nuance and breed greater solidarity and community. I hope we can get there.
Did you say that you feel when the information is wrong or irrelevant it's specifically aimed at one upping you as a human but when it's right and relevant it doesn't feel like that? Did i get that wrong? I've never seen a video of yours before, i just know i do a lot of fact checking and my comments or context adding are always about the info and never about the person. In fact i have to make an effort to remember there's a person and I'm not just adding things to the margins in a notebook owned by me, so that i can praise them and they'll know i like them and am just focused on the info. Great video by the way
Thank you! And not quite, but I do think that happens sometimes. I think inaccurate or irrelevant information can be offered sincerely, and I think good information can be offered with ulterior motives. The most important thing (in my opinion, ofc) is that we take a second to ask why we're offering information in the first place.
@@FinntasticMrFox that's very true. I know why I'm offering it but I've learned that doesn't always come across 😢 probably because people have bad experiences with bad faith comments from trolls. So i use extra words to try to make my intent clear, that's the thing, because it is genuinely about the info... but every interaction is always about the person too, and i forget that
Great video!
Hm I guess when I don't listen to people that I think are wrong, but instead say my own thing in hopes of convincing them, it's because I expect them to drop out of the conversation after having exchanged comments like twice, like people usually do. People don't tend to stick around. Especially the ones with the more f*cked up takes. It seems to me that a lot of people with very bigoted takes tend to not care about the impact of those takes, and are not willing to learn, but are just venting their own anger at the world or something and we're the scapegoats.
People bailing fast is also the reason for my essay length comments. Trying to cram the info in before they leave. It's not a good strategy, I don't think. But it's really hard to explain a complex issue to someone who is very opinionated but completely unfamiliar with it in anything that isn't essay length.
But sometimes I have really productive conversations with people. That's not uncommon for me either. There's good eggs out there.
Is arguing with transphobes online worth my time? No probably not. But it's so hard not to do it when the things they say are so incredibly wrong, and y'know... the current political climate.
I would like to be able to listen more to other people's perspectives in online interactions (some extremists excluded). I guess in the end it's a lack of trust in the other person, and the inherent fleeting-ness of every online connection. If everyone else comes at it with that same lack of trust and expectation of fleeting-ness, will me defying that whole culture have any effect? Guess all we can do is try.
PS I have no idea how to get an octopus emoji in here. You are severely overestimating my social media tech skills.