Did feminism FAIL men?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 27 ก.ย. 2024
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~BIBLIOGRAPHY~
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Arthur Schlesinger Jr., Esquire, 1958
classic.esquir...
bell hooks, The Will to Change, 2004 (quotes: p. 27)
Pew Research, “On Gender Differences,” 2017
www.pewresearc...
Judith Butler, Gender Trouble, 1990
Mehltretter, et al., “Indigenous and Western Knowledge: Bringing Diverse Understandings of Water Together in Practice,” 2023
watercommissio...
Foucault, Madness and Civilization, 1961
NASA, 95% of Matter and Energy is Unexplained
www.jpl.nasa.g....
Karen Barad, “Posthumanist Performativity: Toward an Understanding of How Matter Comes to Matter,” 2003
Michel Foucault, Discipline and Punish, 1975
Chaplin, “Gender and Emotion Expression: A Developmental Contextual Perspective,” 2016
Lumen, “Gender and Early Childhood,” 2020
courses.lumenl...
Halim, et al., “Rigidity in Gender-Typed Behaviors in Early Childhood: A Longitudinal Study of Ethnic Minority Children” 2013
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Chaplin & Aldao, “Gender Differences in Emotion Expression in Children: A Meta-Analytic Review,” 2012
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Bourdieu, Masculine Domination, 1998
Bourdieu, “The political field, the social science field, and the journalistic field,” in R Benson and É Neveu (eds) 2005, Bourdieu and the journalistic field, Cambridge: Polity, 29-47
Bourdieu, The Field of Cultural Production: Essays on Art and Literature, 1993
Bourdieu, Distinction: A Social Critique of the Judgement of Taste, 1979
Ann Swidler, “Culture in Action: Symbols and Strategies,” 1986
www.jstor.org/...
Bourdieu, The Logic of Practice, 1980
Jan Morris, Conundrum, p. 130
Bhana and Mayeza, “We don’t play with gays, they’re not real boys … they can’t fight: Hegemonic masculinity and (homophobic) violence in the primary years of schooling,” 2016.
www.sciencedir...
Emma Renold, “‘Other’ boys: negotiating non‐hegemonic masculinities in the primary school,” 2007
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NAM News Room, “More Women Join the Manufacturing Workforce,” 2023
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Affleck, et al., “Men’s Mental Health: Social Determinants and Implications for Services,” 2018
Lauren Berlant, Cruel Optimism
Jonathan A. Allan, “Masculinity as Cruel Optimism,” 2018, p. 182
Bourdieu Quote on Love from Masculine Domination, p. 112
bell hooks Quote on Love from The Will to Change, p. 28
#ClimatePowerPartner #ClimatePowerEnAcción
I was recently playing with two cousins; they're twin siblings (one "boy" and one "girl"). My girl cousin asked me to wear an ear cuff, and I saw my boy cousin wanting to ask me but was hesitant until I asked him, "Do you want to wear one? They're really cool!" His face instantly lit up. They were so happy, admiring each others' ears and feeling stylish and cool... until their dad arrived. When he saw my girl cousin, he told her she looked pretty. When he saw the boy... he forcibly removed the ear cuff, causing it to break. My cousin was so sad. The next day, we were hanging out. My female cousin asked me to wear the ear cuff again. He didn't, even after I offered him and told him we could take it off before his dad arrived. He was terrified. Even if his dad wasn't there, the instructions of masculinity were already inside of him. My heart breaks to this day, knowing that in small instances like that, "masculinity" is created: Just a wound onto a wound onto a wound.
💔
thats not masculinity, you're just oversimplifying things.
Dunno societies attitude as to what is masculinity is utterly ridiculous.
@@phoenix281287 oversimplifying what?
@@phoenix281287I swear, people will create new excuses just to not think and engage with a topic 🤦♀️
Bringing back the 4:3 format is such a great move
its the gayest aspect ratio imo
perfect for watching on my flip phone when folded while im doing art, so i chose to believe it was for my benefit only :} thank you, Alexander! from one Alex to another hehe.
perfect for when im watching on my 2006 Panasonic Toughbook CF-30 laptop with Gentoo linux install and custom kernel
@@ignacio3460does that make iPads gay?
Now I can watch it on my 1977 RCA colortrak television
Something I found fascinating growing up was that if I befriended men/boys I would quickly realize that I was sometimes literally the only person they would talk to about their emotions. These dudes would have like 10 bros that they've been hanging out with for 15 years who they knew nothing about. But I had been hanging out with them for like 5 months and felt they could trust me to talk to about these things because I wasn't a man. One of my friends told me recently that I was one of very few people in his life to ask the question "how are you" and want to know the internal answer.
That's crazy, I've been getting closer to my best friend's girlfriend and I've told her so much about me, things I've never told my best friend. I don't know why, maybe it's because she tells me about her problems ? It's weird. But I appreciate her a lot, hopefully one day I can open up to my male friends too.
That's good that you genuinely want to hear men's feelings, and are willing to listen. bell hooks mentions in The Will To Change that there are women who say they want to hear their boyfriends or partners or friends or family members feelings, but then recoil when men actually share them, bell hooks herself admits this was something she did to her intimate partners and had to do work to unlearn that behavior towards men herself. Thank you genuinely for saying you want to hear men and meaning it too, we need more people like that, men, women, enbies, and anybody else.
Friendships with women definitely feel more open to me as a man, I think it's because they often don't have the same barriers that almost all men have up which makes me feel like I don't need mine up either
@@stormysoup1083that’s a good point
It makes sense. Men will see other men as like "enforcers" of masculine stoicism in a way. It's a social faux pas to let that image slip up in front of another dude. We're also always told that women are the compassionate understanding ones. So men will probably subconsciously feel more comfortable talking to women about this stuff.
I'm an older man than you are, so in exchange for this well-made video, I'd like to share something: I experience Gender Euphoria when teaching people how to do things. How to cook, draw, change a tire, repair an electronic device- all of these things make me feel like the patient, knowledgeable and positive male role model I never had growing up. If you ever find yourself wanting a little gender affirmation, you might try teaching someone something. It's a great feeling.
Great advice.
Hell yeah brother
Its a shame that all I can imagine after reading a comment nowadays is how easy it is to portray it negatively.
I'm honestly surprised nobody has come and summarised it as "mansplaining makes me feel good" or something else reductive.
@@tidalgrunt6549 I had a period where a part of my brain was probably possessed by some twitter user and those thoughts kept popping up. Best thing to reduce those is to try and avoid places with people like that
It's actually kinda sweet :))
Hearing a trans dude talk about the sociological effects of patriarchy throughout men's lives is putting into words some of the arguments I've been trying to make for literally a decade. Thank you for making this.
No wonder she has these opinions
ooo you reallt got em, i bet you'll giggle about this when you're sitting in your moms basement alone and hating yourself later@@sonatestd2085
@sonatestd2085 good argument
@@I_eat_bugs666 I know
@@sonatestd2085 God isn't real.
My little brother has been starting to notice gender, sexism and toxic masculinity after my dad has been starting to push him to be more masculine out of fear of him becoming “girly” or “a woman” from andrew tate TH-cam algorithms. I’ve been trying to help him learn and understand as best as I can without trying to just frame one side as bad “just because”. This is really helpful, I’ll keep this in mind for our next talk. thank you so much. cheers!
Yo I love that you're trying to be a good role model and show your brother that being vulnerable is ok, while also keeping him away from toxic masculinity!
Good luck with your dad and I hope you can keep him off of the andrew Tate algorithm
The term "toxic masculinity" is sexist.
Some behaviours are toxic, but his masculinity is not toxic in itself, and the term makes no distinction.
Being vulnerable is fine, most men know how to do that with each other, and do within their social circles.
Just be careful that you don't isolate him from his adult social support group, with well intentioned misunderstandings now.
I don't know your father or what he's doing, but keep an open mind, there is probably some value in what he's teaching, few of us are all one way or the other.
Toxic masculinity refers to the notion that some people's idea of “manliness” perpetuates domination, homophobia, and aggression. Toxic masculinity involves cultural pressures for men to behave in a certain way. @@BrillPappin
@@biteofdog ok, that kind of sounds like a woman explaining masculinity to a man, but I'll assume it's genuine desire to educate.
I'm familiar with the justifications and excuses.
Like it or not, you are essentially telling men that their masculinity is toxic. The term should never have made it into the mainstream vernacular. It may have been coined to convey a meaning, but make no mistake, people do feel strongly about it.
If there is toxic masculinity, and toxic femininity, then there is simply toxicity behaviour, rooted in human psychology. There is no need to assign gender to discuss toxic behaviour.
@@BrillPappin What do you mean there is no distinction??? Masculinity is one thing, toxic masculinity is another. The word toxic is literally the thing providing the distinction you say isn't there.
This video hurts.
I'm 33 years old, and was quite emotional growing up. I moved around a lot, and I had a busy father who was always working and a mother who raised me to always try to be in another person's shoes. One day, was maybe 7-8 years old, one of our budgies died. I was up late into the night crying, and my father came in and we talked about how he wasn't crying.
Real men didn't cry.
Looking back, I can see how I internalized that into real men don't feel things. Everywhere around you growing up, one learns that emotions should be contained. The only emotion that was rewarded was the occasional burst of anger. It moulds you into a stoic individual stuck in a loop of shame for feeling any emotion till eventually you find an outlet to blame someone or it becomes a wall of depression that you live with.
The video is really well done. (I am curious as to what lighting modifier you used, I love it) Excellently paced, and I really appreciate that the conclusion pinpoints on how the perspectives on feminism can be just as jarring as patriarchy.
I'm sorry for that 😔
Man... I'm so fucking sorry that you and so many other people go through this, I've known for a very long time that I'm not a guy or a girl and have a pretty supportive guardian, yet somehow I still ended up picking up internalizing toxic masculinity, (more like I just bottled up my sadness ans occasionally let it burst into anger) and by doing that in some messed up way I ended up passing more as a guy, and it was so easy to just fall into "masculinity", but phsycologically I'm just built to be more sad since my brain chemicals have been a bit "owchie ow oof" since I was born, and I just wanna have emotions and it just made those brain chemicals of mine even more of a problem for me by bottling them up...idk I this makes sense
for now at 20:10 I know I will disagree with almost whole video
(btw u can skip "the intro" and go strait towards my arguments after wide space between pharagrafs)
but for now let me compare ur expiriance with mine in childhood bc my dad never told me anything
about emotions and how the man should do he only leads by example that he want to ideolase and live by
but can't due to us living in 2nd world country
like he always tought me that stealing is bad
he was living by words (rad red i mir(work, order and peace))
but when I got to around 12 he started to steal fuel from the government buisnis that he was
working in his whole life he wrote
jurnals before this of eacht day for when it time comes none can fool him in what he did legally at the job
after I learned that he was stealing he told me that he hated himself for it and that he spent countless nights
without sleep and crying about that
after that I still hated it for it and for a while until I alone realised what is going on and made peace with it
(in short life is hard and there might be moments were u will make choises that are wrong but not for
yourself but towards others)
but after that (character introduction) it finally a time to 17 old teen call a bigot
I disagree with his definition about helth bc for me ( tell me if I'm wrong)that definition sounds more like:
Helth is human concept that defines set of characteristics for theoretically longest life possible
(incert random angry rant about being fat is not healthy) and after that u start measuring traits that will prolong ur life
it's sad that emotions and crying are related to being weak. I've been told many times by my dad that I shouldn't cry, because crying wont solve anything and I'm not strong enough to handle hardship, hence why I cry.
It's bullshit, some people just cry more easily
@@samdal420same! When I was a child, I used to internalize a lot more of my emotions due to my father saying shit like this.
That intense shame even years later for crying still hasn’t changed, even as a FTN. Like it sucks, because on one hand, I’ve dealt with that internalization of emotions, but on the other hand, in the moments that family members have seen me emotional, they say: “it’s because of my period.””
That pisses me off to a level I don’t know how to fully contextualize. It takes away my agency, and my own valid emotions, all because of a biological thing I hate.
I really relate to ya. It sucks. I really wish that as a human, I didn’t have to be born with gendered genitalia. I wouldn’t have to deal with all that the patriarchy as done to scar me, from as young as the age of six.
I wish I didn’t have to deal with all the expectations that society puts on everyone, as toxic masculinity affects every group of people.
I wish I never was able to have periods.
Always impressed with the production value and creativity of your videos, so not surprised to see you've been ambitious enough to shoot this one in IMAX aspect ratio.
Loved you on the Deprogram podcast
4:50 "How are men supposed to grill when there's pronouns in the beer?" Okay, that one tore a laugh out of me. I think I might subscribe to this channel.
As a cis guy who has grown frustrated with his inability to properly express emotions to their close ones this video resonates so damn much with me. And it hurts.
hang in there bro 💙 I get what you mean, it's hard to unlearn all the bottling up feelings shit, but it is possible, I swear.
An overly clinical sounding word that might point you in a helpful direction: alexithymia! Really, just difficulty recognizing and expressing emotions due to never having been taught how. It can basically describe broad swaths of the male population at this point... and I found it especially helpful watching Dr. K's video on the subject. Having a word can at least help find others with a similar experience, or even resources for learning/improving.
And in the spirit of this video... best of luck, brother, you're not alone
Hey, I hope you find people that make you feel safe to be vulnerable with. Best of luck
Get therapy.
@@corinneskitchenremarkably difficult to do at times. Particularly for men.
Alex, I so appreciate your dedication to actual video essays that push past basic observation and surprise the viewer. Your content has been so high quality and interesting lately and the way you present your ideas is intriguing and easy to follow. Thank you so much for all your content!!!!!!
You put it into words perfectly! His work really inspires me to try my hand at shorter video essays myself :)
this. this is what video essays should be.
@notville_ we care, notville. people do care
This is legit I think the best one I've ever seen.
Did the Black Civil Rights Movement FAIL white people???
When I first moved to Germany, it schocked me to my core when my host-father hugged me. Over the course of a year I saw him openly show love, sadness, even vulnerability, and all of the finer emotions that I had never gotten to see in my Dad and brother in the States.
I saw this again and again, and it shattered my US American toxic male habitus. It opened the door for me to explote gender; to build up again what *I* wanted for myself.
To see that so many people, including so many older individuals put so much value in those traits at no cost to their masculinity not only changed my life, but it was also one of the biggest reasons for moving back to Germany. My home has never looked the same, and toxic masculinity never so silly or so unfortunate.
I have a response to this that might seem odd. And because tone/intent don't convey online, please know I don't intend to counter or object to anything you said, more that I have a story that feels like an odd poetic juxtaposition to yours.
In middle school I spent a few months in a foster home, in a house with 3 other boys and a single (or maybe widowed? It was a long time ago) foster dad. It was a weird situation in many ways, and one thing I'll never forget was how he had this large study room with a big wooden desk and a shelf behind him full of books. He took himself _very_ seriously and had zero sense of humor. I don't remember an ounce of warmth coming from him at all. One time the 2 older boys and I were walking in the woods outside the house and got close to the highway (like a half-mile away). We were playing around and had no particular agenda for being there, it was just interesting to us. After a bit, we were surprised by a gunshot -- he had brought his pistol out and fired it in the air to get our attention. Later he brought us individually into his study to scold us.
I've thought about that event a lot as an adult. I have to think there were better ways to get our attention than bringing a gun into the situation. I remember distinctly that he had line-of-sight to us, because we saw him instantly. We were not rowdy kids. Why was a gun necessary? I understand he couldn't have known our intentions, and I'm not saying he was wrong to scold us for playing near the highway. I can imagine, in hindsight, that maybe he was hypervigilant about his duties as a foster parent, and the gun was his way of enforcing his authority. I think there were probably other alternatives. I will always see it as an expression of his attitudes toward being a man and a father, that fear, intimidation, and the threat of violence were the tools he used to force obedience. Being a foster kid was weird in general, adults always projected the worst intentions onto us.
As an afab nonbinary person, when I started working in construction, I quickly had to grasp how different the world of manhood is. The guys are all so mean to each other, but that's how they mess around and have a good time. They don't express emotional pain outside of anger. In fact, me simply asking if someone is okay is met with a look that tells me it's not normal to ask. Crying is a no go. Many are terrible fathers and even more are terrible husbands. The alcoholism is normal. Everyone has a buddy whose killed himself. These guys never take days off and will work themselves to the bone. It's honestly just sad. Of course choices are their own, but seeing the very real way these men's upbringing and societal experiences has made them into who they are is surreal.
Despite being out as nb, I'm percieved as a woman on site, and it shows. I had to work my ass off to prove I could carry the heavy duct, I could use power tools, I was capable of doing my job. And sure, after a year and a half of proving myself, my team know I can do it, but interacting with other trades will always remind me that most men will see me as unable to do my job.
I also become the sound board for my coworkers. I've learned far more about my coworker's lives and feelings than I ever expected. Men who have worked together for years won't know as much about each personal life as I have been told during one on one time. It's the only time I see them express something other than anger, though not much. Only when its just us two.
Almost 2 years into working closely with "men's men", and all I can do is hope that society can make a change so the future of masculinity is healthier.
It's almost like your material reality matters and not your "gender identity." Huh.
@@corinneskitchen all of your comments on this video are incredibly miserable
@@frankieloinandgroin It's almost like as a woman I care about my rights.
@@corinneskitchenlet's add insufferable as well. You do not need to preface all your comments with "it's almost like" 😂
@corinneskitchen I don't even get what you're trying to say based on what I was saying in my comment lol.
As a trans-femme who was actively closeted from ages 3 to 21, the part of my life I find most painful to look back on is not the early years of pervasive condemnation of my femininity. It's the years immediately thereafter, in which I tried desperately to suppress it myself, thinking that if I could embrace the exact patriarchal ideals that tortured me (and subsequently wield those ideals against others), I would finally reach the social standards required for receiving love. I've gotten to a point of being able to sympathize with that version of myself, but it still really hurts to think of the pain I must have caused others.
that's the known alt+right to trans pipeline x'D you are not the only one my friend. Many transes experience the toxic masculinity phase before transitioning
what@notville_
@@bucherregaldomi9084 Yeah never ask the now communist transgirl what her old politics were *laughs*
Its impolite
Trans sister Alison : )
💛
I know what you mean. For me, instead of suppressing it, I isolated myself from most socialization. I'm sure that otherwise, my story wouldn't have been much different from yours, assuming it didn't kill me.
I was outright repulsed by many of the men around me, and it didn't help that I was a trans girl who hadn't figured it out. Most people left me alone, but I learned a lot seeing the people who didn't.
The men would talk down to me, make jokes about me, laugh at me. I was who they would look at when they wanted to feel "masculine" enough. Since I mostly ignored them, it was easy for them to come and go, so it was usually a different guy from last time.
The women would look at me with a sort of pity. It was mostly long glances, although I had some friends who, without having said it, probably felt sorry for me. There was also the occasional girl I didn't already know who would approach me the same way, but I wasn't willing to warm up to anyone and kept to myself.
The contrast between those experiences interested me a lot. Both men and women would treat me differently from my peers, but the ways it was different was so confusing at the time. It still kind of is.
I'm a cis man and was an emotional kid. My sister and parents would fight a lot and anytime they did I would cry and get scared because it was overwhelming to me. Not sure how old I was, maybe between 6 and 8, possibly older, when my sister got into a really bad fight with my mom. I got emotional and started to cry, then my sister turned on me and screamed at me that I was a boy and that I wasn't supposed to cry all the time (among other things). My response was to immediately stop crying and close in. My parents never came to tell me she was wrong or console me, which reinforced what she said to me as truth (I think). Ever since then I held in the urge to cry or feel/express emotion like that. I think it was traumatizing, because I can still see the memory so clearly and feel in my body the shame she made me feel for having feelings that I couldn't control. The experience made me believe that having negative emotions (or at least expressing them) was something to be embarrassed and ashamed about, and that not expressing them was essential to my identity as a boy and man.
I'm working on my emotional intelligence and expression and getting better, but I still struggle so much to let people see me being vulnerable, emotional, crying, etc. I think that my inability to handle negative emotion and negative feedback has had other effects on my life, like my confidence in my own opinions, skills, etc. though I can't be certain about that. I wonder how many people have had similar experiences, where they can trace their poor emotional intelligence to one or two formative experiences as a child.
This video was great and gave me some more technical language to understand why I am who I am, as well as ways to communicate/discuss gender issues with others. Thank you so much for making this!
omg, that's exactly what happened to me. the no crying part I mean.
As a cis straight guy raised by two cis straight guys (while my mother and stepmother were unable to be effective parents), I ended up having this very deeply routed idea of masculinity that had whole swathes of what i later learnt were maternal traits transplanted on.
I feel i still have large parts of the toxic parts of masculinity, but also an idea that masculinity is being able to provide for the ones you love not only materially but also emotionally. Its the bringing home money, but its also the helping the ones you love learn to talk about how they feel, its cooking and its cleaning, its holding someone when they need to be held, its telling someone you love them, it's giving someone the space to tell you how they feel, its having the maturity to tell someone you need help and its saying sorry when you hurt someone.
I don't know if my masculinity as "what society expects from a man" plus "what society expects from a mother" is... Better, but sure is different
Thank you for your service, soldier
Masculinity doesn't exist. It's a social construct. It's what you make of it.
❤
Now everyone has to play both roles of provider and caretaker
And learn to do it all before starting a family.
Seems like it is easier to cleanly split the roles between genders and then both people have the bandwidth to excel in their role.
Edit: What happens when a couple isn't a perfectly complementary match? Like if both people are bad providers but good nurturers? Or both are good providers, but don't like nurturing kids?
If everyone just does what they like and are good at, then you'll get families that are very lacking in certain areas. Especially if everyone ends up with a similar partner to themselves.
@@breadman32398 It seems easier, but that doesn’t automatically make it better. My thought is that both parents can be further working on the skills they aren’t proficient in and learning from each other, both for wellroundedness but also for if one parent goes down or is otherwise away for a time
The irony of liking Nirvana being the behavior a little guy felt pressure to engage in to be accepted as a masculine boy is so intense, knowing how much Kurt didn't fit in as a "masculine dude", as a teenager. He wondered if he was gay because he felt like he belonged more amongst gay guys. There are also pictures of all of Nirvana band members proudly wearing dresses for a photoshoot before it was cool, hanging out with Rupaul... And they were fervent feminists. Especially Kurt. His music was partially inspired by his Riot Girl type of a musician girlfriend and he said publicly that the lack of recognition these underground girl bands received compared to their male peers bands was unfair.
I don't think Kurt was gay. He had mentioned in an interview that he wished he was because it would piss off all the right people. I could be misremembering though.
There's a theory that says Cobain was a trans woman (or a non binary person) but as he didn't said anything in life we can only speculate (that theory makes sense to me tho and I personally like it. Makes me think also about the thousands of queer folks that couldn't express it in life).
@@adampope5107 i think op knows he wasn’t gay, he just felt like he *might* be gay. because any time a man shows any sort of interest in anything even slightly “feminine” they get called gay. Kurt wasn’t gay, but any guy who liked the same things as him was called gay by his peers, so that probably confused him for a while.
@@_marsbars_There probably wasn't a term for not conforming to the masculine ideals during his time.
Too few records survived the late 1900s. Such a word is lost in the mists of time.@@NayrAnur
As a trans guy who hasn't seen many great examples of masculinity from my own community to the point of borderline fear of other trans men (looking at you Kalvin Garrah) this makes me feel so safe and seen.
Elliot Page? Jamie Raines?
Fellow trans man/masc here! I really recommend Ty Turner as a cool trans man example of healthy masculinity. I personally veer more towards the very masc (beard, shaved bald ((because balding lol)) presentation with openly queer and feminine aspects (femme painted nails, jewelry, sometimes androgyny etc), but Ty is really great to have as a "guys guy but a genuinely nice guy" model imo
Jammidodger is also incredible, and I know with 100% certainty that he is a healthy model of masculinity. Also p masc presenting, but soft and comfortable with himself and it shows
I struggle a lot still with guilt over transitioning due to being seen as a man and the trauma responses that can go with that, and it's helped me to see healthy men, both cis and trans, just living their lives. Cool cis men for models of healthy masculinity (also v masc presenting though) are "The Speech Prof" and "That Dang Dad". Extremely kind and thoughtful people, with the latter being a guy who got himself out of some really toxic places and mindsets. Incredibly important for me to see.
Kind of a long ramble of recommendations, but hopefully they help you in your journey like they helped me! 💚
@@falconeshield There’s also Noah Finnce and Chaz Bono.
But I think he is talking about his own community.
Bit of a tangent but I've been thinking about Kalvin Garrah lately. As far as I know he's only active on his patreon where he continues to spill his self-hatred onto for his likewise self-hating fans.
As the transmed movement dwindles and dwindles (even though there are still some left, it's not near what it was), I can't help but wonder how he feels.
Part of him has to feel lonely in some way, left behind, knowing it's because of what he's done that so many trans people want nothing to do with him. He has to know too that it's probably too late for him as well- he's hurt too many people, he's been too mean, too vicious, that he knows even if he changed his mind that a lot of people (justly) would not trust or welcome him.
I just wonder if it was worth it, if he thinks in his heart of hearts it was worth it. All just to feel superior for a couple of years on the internet, to trade that for a lifetime of community.
I dunno. He's probably just as much of a truscum as he ever was because at this point growth would be too painful. Wonder if it was worth it.
@notville_bro you have no content 💀
As an amab i have found the trans masc perspective on this subject to be life-changing
same
You could say we are something of a... gendering expert : ))))
"trans people understand the complexities of gender deeper than anyone else because we live it every day. that's not a challenge, it's an invitation." -Madison Werner, trans woman and activist
@stopsin1 Go away and never return
@@ellw7830 What a load of self-serving bs.
You think this is old? The 1950s complaining about the decline of men? Try the 900s BCE, when the Iliad was first written down by Homer's scribe. The text talks about Ajax, a Greek war hero, chucking a boulder at another guy's head with a single hand, and Homer even says, "Such strength as we no longer see in these degenerate days."
Yes, but the suicide, OD, drop out, unemployment, fatherlessness epidemic, and lack of friendships and relationships do indicate that the modern claims have more validity than the ancient ones.
Those things have existed through the whole course of human history. The only reason we are aware of it now is that everything is well documented online and social media to study. I just hope the lonely folks learn how to better themselves so that they can not be afraid to put themselves out there to make friends and have romantic relationships. I was able to make new friends after I moved to a new city, it took time and for me to get out of my comfort zone. @@Pistolita221
@@Pistolita221 This. "Oh but they've been complaining about men's issue for all of human history, it's nothing, get over it" sounds reallllllly interesting when you realize these same people will tell you that women have been oppressed and had unique problems for all of human history. Apparently only one of these matters, though.
@@EH-dy3vn I know this is 2 months old but like, what? What argument are you making here?
The claim that women have been oppressed for much of human history is sound and consistent with historical records. Like, no one is saying "women these days are so oppressed, I wish we could go back to the old days where that wasn't true."
On the other hand, the idea of masculinity being in crisis IS inconsistent with history. The claim "masculinity is in crisis" is often accompanied by the idea that men used to be better and more masculine, which is directly contradicted by men of previous generations making the same complaints. The sentiment being expressed is built on an imagined past that was never real, hence why it's worth criticizing it.
Also no one is saying "get over it no one cares" you are literally watching a video about why men's issues matter. Saying "the idea that masculinity is in crisis is based on an imagined past that isn't real and thus this claim should not be taken seriously" is not the same as saying "men's issues don't matter stop talking about them."
i think my favorite part of you’re content is how you explain sociological thinking better than the dozens of academic papers i’ve read. also, shoutout to you for writing whole ass proper essays for fun. i cannot fathom your brain but i’m very grateful
edit: and money lol worth the $2 a month btw
That's why I didn't want to do long studies, they make everything complicated just to sound smart it was killing me.
@@thisisntallowed9560 as much as i get the sentiment some things in life Are indeed complicated. none of us are subject to that property either as humans
@@balaynganiyebe There are indeed many things which cannot be concisely expressed by language already, but a sad reality is that nomenclature is prevalent and coalescing which really sets a barrier for entry, and a precedent. Some people however tend to not be willing to engage with fields where that's an issue, because it's unwarranted mental strain
I'm shook hearing that that 'rapturw where boys silently accept the loss of feeling loved' isn't just something I felt. For me it happened right around high school
hard disagree - the problem with celery is the horrifying texture, not the taste. it tastes fine, just don't ask me to chew it
Celery has a unique chemical that some people can taste and some people can't. And it tastes like mercury.
If it's the texture, there is celery without the strings in it...
No it tastes like horrible bitter soap and ruins all dishes it is in
Must be a relative to cilantro
@@NoiseDay It is.
God so much of this speaks to me specifically as a transfem person. That feeling of being expected to act and be like other guys and resenting it so much, but also being so afraid for over two decades that maybe I'm NOT like other guys. And in fact, I know I'm not. So I'd better do everything I can to fix that and burn every bridge, close every door, and smother every part of myself I thought I wasn't supposed to have along the way. And it didn't work.
@notville_🤡🫵
Yeah, I felt that too. That constant fear that I'd be "found out" led me to try so hard to stop feeling anything. Pretending to be a guy was so confusing, and so utterly lonely. Now that I'm finally out I want to be such a glorious, glowing sunbeam that brightens the light in others.
"You might be thinking: "But penis"
True I was thinking that just this morning while I was eating my cereal.
This is weirdly specific but I absolutely loved you used Orion over any other constellation, and it made me cry. I’m an astronomy major and got into astronomy as a little kid because my grandma showed me Orion, specifically.
She recently passed away and I’m getting Orion tattooed on my arm when I graduate this May, partly in her honor and partly to celebrate I’m able to study my passion. That part of the video may have been really insignificant for you but I really can’t thank you enough, it brought me back to my summers in South America stargazing with her.
Also, I’m an astronomy major AND a sociology minor, so shit, anything that has to do with constellations is up my ball park. I don’t actually know a ton of constellations since it’s not really relevant for my study, but I’ve taken a few classes about constellations and social constructs built around stars.
@@giopreda the sheer difference in depth and emotional importance between a mere social construct and a shared, deep personal connection is vast and outstanding. may you treasure those stars for as long as you may live.
Funny enough, I cried as well, but for another reason. Stars and astronomy were always a fascination of mine, but being genetically nearsighted and growing as a parentified, neurodivergent “girl” made me get diagnosed with it when I barely saw anything beyond half a meter away, at 8 years old.
That was the first moment I actually saw the stars as tiny little specks, not sparse glares. It really got me, and as soon as I got used to the glasses, to finally map the constellations as my books taught became almost like a dream come true,band the first one I recognized was Orion (the man-made connection lines coincided perfectly with my left wrist’s veins, so it wasn’t hard to remember clearly).
It became, in my heart, knowing that the night sky belongs to anyone, “my” constellation. I find it with love, every time, so much that it was the first thing I saw the night I was first kicked out by my abusive mother (not related to my trans-ness).
It was later the name I chose for myself in transition (as a genderfluid person), I chose Årion (the Å reads as a closed O).
To see someone equiparating the understanding of Orion to the understanding of gender hit so hard…
These stars really are up there for all of us, and yet will mean great, different things for each one.
I love your connection with Orion, even not having known you beyond the comment, have a virtual hug from another human to whom Orion means something bigger than life. I hope the tattoo comes out great.
@stopsin1 did i ask?
my grandma's dog when i was little was named orion. i remember being shown the constellation on really cold nights. it has a special place for me too
i was heading towards transitioning to male, but i began to see other people trying to force toxic masculinity onto me, so i decided to be androgynous. i wanted to express my masculine gender but i couldn't stand the baggage it came with. my friends accept me as a trans masculine person who wears yoga pants and pink shirts.
Congrats you're a woman who is gnc.
@@corinneskitchen
define "woman"
@@RilianSharp Adult human female (our entire bodies are female). What's your definition?
@@corinneskitchen
why do you need the word woman then? why not just use female.
a person who identifies as a woman.
@@RilianSharp Seriously? "Female" includes girls, non-human animals, plants, etc.
Also you can't use the word itself in the definition - that's circular.
I said this recently in a comment on another video. Not in this much detail of course. I just realised that society has conditioned men from birth to be the way they are, regardless of how much it harms them. Same for women.
I obviously know more about a female experience because i am one, but i just had an 'aha' moment where i understood why general male society is the way it is. It made me really sad. I realised how deep rooted it is. That i cant undo thousands of years of core beliefs, societal conditioning and trauma. I realised that little boys in 2023 are having adult content/situations/emotions thrown at them from birth. They dont have role models. Just generations of men who are also conditioned by society. Their view of women comes from all of that too. Watching how the adults in their lives act, watching porn, watching movies, listening to rappers and athletes who objectify women. Theyre lost and there is no available compass for them. They come into the world already resented and hated, and at the same time, no one wants the job of teaching them or helping them find better ways to view life or cope within society.
I got more likes and replies than i thought i would, on the comment. From men and women. I had some really good discussions with them about how real this is. The girls are watching their little brothers go through it as they watch and cant do enough, men are lonely and dont have people to talk to about emotions, nor are they likely to feel comfortable enough to share, some dont know how to connect because they've never had it before. Its a deep..deep...issue.
I am not by any means putting men up on a pedestal, im a feminist and a girls girl til i die, but i do see the patterns, and how far back all of this goes historically. I dont know what to do about any of it.
Thank you for having the patience to cover such a difficult topic, it hurts my brain regularly trying to put it all together but it needs to be talked about.
And look! The minute I question feminism as a man, my comment gets instantly deleted! My voice is muted once again. I must either submit to the woke guidlines of social media or be silenced. See what I mean now?
Disgusting! This isn't fair. 😡
It's really telling about popular feminist perceptions of men's issues that women have to add disclaimers when they show any concern for them.
@@weir-t7y yeah, I'd call that internet feminism, or 'white' feminism. It's just a man hating trend with no knowledge of nuance. People use the label feminist to mean 'man hater' and that's wrong.
Im Autistic, I don't believe in group think or following trends. I found my own understanding of feminism, which Is not in line with popular feminism. I study psychology, it's my special interest, so I consistently see men and women suffering and am in charge of figuring out how best to help those people. So I don't have it in me to be sexist either way.
I advocate a lot for DV victims/survivors, SA victims/survivors and adult autistic people. I throw gender out the window and just view each person on a case my case basis as their own unique thing.
It is unfortunate that I have to make disclaimers, but on the internet it's easy to be misconstrued and it's best I'm as clear as possible.
"Society is doing this to young boys" is always one of those comments that makes me a little curious.
Who is society? Because, honestly, everyone brings this up then go "well, it's a patriarchy!" as if it's men who teach men to be in pain. As a man I can confidently no one taught me anything about being self-sufficient. I had to learn it on my own, because my mother resented me and my stepfather ignored me in favor of his actual child.
I learned how to treat women from women; simply by mirroring their behavior. I spent my teen years being mocked and taken advantage of by teen girls, so I did the same. I was a happy and cheerful child, until girls made fun of me for it. I had emotions, until they were derided out of me. It's a learned behavior, but a natural consequence you pick up even without male role models.
I learned there was no one to help. No one cared then, nor would care in the intervening years. So I either took care of myself, or I died. Those were my options, and would be my options in perpetuity. They're still my options to this day, because things haven't changed from when I was a teenager.
it's a difficult topic, because there's nothing that can be done about it. It's a natural consequence of the human animal. In prior years, at least, men could be respected for their sacrifices and efforts. I joined the Army only to come back to a society that hated me twice as much as when I left it.
Seems to me that you're blaming the male for their own flaws instead of society shames them for being male. If you want my opinion, I believe the fault lies with modern-feminism and it now excludes males entirely where the societal norm is to focus solely on girls and women, leaving boys and men to fend for themselves. In truth, the patriarchy has already been smashed and all feminism is smashing now is the future of the male gender. That isn't helping us or the feminist cause, and blaming us for the flaws of modern-feminism doesn't help either.
As someone who’s been doing a lot of reflecting on…. Basically everything in my personal life and realizing a lot of things about myself, from unhealthy behaviors, and styles of attachment and relationship management, and as a man…. Thank you. This video was incredibly touching, insightful, and validating to me, behaviors I ought to change, and feeling more comfortable in discovering a healthy masculine identity. It also made me realize how my struggles with grief, relationship management, and masculinity are all connected. Thank you very kindly for sharing your experiences, and making this beautiful video. Was a life changing one for me.
Im very happy for you, I have felt a worried about the future since I was younger than I am currently, but I see much hope now, I am hopeful that the world will regain its warmth to its people.
Love and joy is a birthright and I hope you get all the good you deserve Mr. Chosen Heretic.
I love when videos actually makes you think about how people view themselves it’s so interesting. This is quality content
I think jealousy plays a part in unfortunate men hating on feminism. We men have been robbed of the tools to identify and deal with our own oppression. We make light of our problems. It's frustrating when we see women band together and support each other seemingly with ease because it so hard for us. Men are raised to be in competition with each other whilst women cooperate.
Also, due to homophobia, it's hard to form a close friendship between 2 individual men without people making the assumption you're gay, so we have friend groups instead. It's hard enough opening up to one person, let alone your boys who will turn to each other and make jokes to avoid the embarrassment of our own feelings.
I have to admit this makes me confused, since the modern antifeminist manosphere is all about having close male-to-male friendships to discuss with them about things a man allegedly cannot talk with his girlfriend/wife. That's at least what I've seen when observing all those manosphere cliques on social media.
@@makhnothecossack4948 The Manosphere is not all about male friendship. It’s about shaming men into adopting a false ideal of what being a man is, and shaming women who don’t make men their #1 priority. It’s as alienating as unhealthy male friendships, where you aren’t allowed to be emotionally open or vulnerable.
@@aaaccc7173 I beg to differ. It seems that according to the manosphere, that's the only relationship in which you can be open and vulnerable, but I don't know then.
I don't want to dissapoint you but women, more often than not, are also raised to hate each other and compete with each other for male attention, resources, protection etc. That's why "pick me girls" were popular in media for some time. And many mysogynists don't even believe that a woman can live in such concept like "friendship" because for them, every woman is "an evil slut who tries to hop on our penises for our resources".
So, both men and women are raised to hate each other and their own gender.
men aren't oppressed but ok
I'm a gay enby, socialized as a cis het boy. I just remember growing up with this constant fear that I was doing "it" wrong and it was everything.
I thought I hated music for a while, because the music I would learn I actually liked wasn't stuff men were supposed to like. So I never let anyone else hear the music I listened to for decades. I wouldn't even say who my favorite artist was because I was terrified of having my masculinity questioned yet again. Others would play music in the car with passengers, but I would always turn mine off the second someone entered the car with me, even though I would sing the lyrics if I were alone.
I had to constantly monitor the way I walked, the way I talked, the way I responded to physical touch, and so on. I was always at risk of not being a man or being outed. I'm pretty sure it's broken parts of me permanently. I wish I could know who I would have been had I not policed myself like that for years and years.
I promise its not too late to start sharing the things you enjoy with people you love. It's a tough process, but it's never too late to start healing
This was beautiful, I am afraid some people may attack your character for even talking about the situation in an empathic and deep way. As a fellow man, I envy your talent and your courage.
I dont see how people will get angry at such a lovely and compassionate video but it was really awesome to watch as a girl myself (although I may be non binary?) regardless, I was brought up as female and am happy to have the gift of the internet’s wide variety of people and their experiences so that I can grow more empathetic to other peoples issues.
@notville_weirdo…
Everything that will ever be posted is going to face criticism, that isn't a bad thing just a way to address what people take from your content
@@Brighterdays346 If they were a real person (kind of doubt it), and were being serious (also doubt it), then they're not just a creep. If you don't know what CP stands for, it's an abhorrent and very illegal thing that involves child ab*se.
@NotVille_ Vile person with no future
Feels more like an examination of gender roles rather than a look at feminism and its relationship to men and boys. I did find myself very engaged though, so I appreciate the effort that went into this. It does show.
It has lots of parts being to do with patriarchy.
Because at feminism's core is the patriarchy.
Damn, at the start of the video, I thought I was being belittled and insulted, but it turns out I was just defending an idea that didn't merit respect.
I consider myself open minded and I'm not really attached to masculinity, but I was still emotionally defensive of a system that dehumanizes everybody.
Thank you
@@sparingharbor2600 There's a lot to unravel here.
I don't intend to persuade you, because you're making emotional appeals and disguising them as logic.
To anybody else reading this, I'd question the logic of prescribing our behavior to nature when nothing we do is natural.
It's like looking at animals in a zoo and assuming the things they do are natural and basing your opinion about their behavior on that.
Secondly, the historical presence of a hierarchy doesn't make It's presence natural or superior. By that logic, you can say that livestock like pigs and cattle are at their evolutionary peak and natural state because they exist more abundantly and have for thousands of years now.
The same goes for humans, so, unless you have a fossil record of a patriarchy from 10,000 years ago, it wouldn't even be a proper example of something natural. In addition to that, it's presence in nature wouldn't assume any kind of superiority
It's about quality over quantity.
@@sparingharbor2600 That's not how any of that works
Ever since i was a kid, i would push against norms imposed on me. I hated being put in boxes, or being told what i couldnt and couldnt do. Even as a kid i thought it was so dumb that some of my friends wouldnt play with an easy bake oven because "its a gurl toy!"
I grew up in a religious community and family so i was like 14 before those feelings became actual ideas and i was able to find out that other people share them, and i wasnt the only person who didnt fit neatly into these socail categories and constructs.
This resonates so much
"Patriarchy requires a structure of failure to maintain a domination predicated on fear."
Damn that is so incisive. The idea of masculinity as something policed, repressive, domineering, and inherently impossible for any one person to actually embody makes it fragile. It's why men throughout recent history have bemoaned the fact that men are failing to live up to the standard, and instead of reevaluating the standard, they blame women or other marginalized groups for somehow corrupting men. But I would like to think that every time certain men complain that masculinity is being "corrupted" by feminity, we're moving a little bit further away from toxic, masculinity and patriarchy.
Patriarchy is just a hierarchy that's organized by what women consider attractive in men. Men that don't participate in patriarchy meaningfully get treated the absolute worst.
@@ikilledthemoon As a woman I would love to add my opinion that you're very much overgeneralizing women. I've never wanted a particularly "masculine" man. I've wanted a caring one. One of whom I can mutually split tasks with. One of which I can spend time with and learn his interests and share mine. A patriarchal world is not one I want to live in and I want to be treated as a human being just as you want to. Please open your mind to the possibility that you are basing your opinions off of a small and inaccurate worldview.
@@maddylovesjokes3913 I want the same out of a woman, a woman that just likes to hang out and we can form a committed relationship based on shared experiences, but feminists constructed dating in such a way that men must be willing to constantly out pace the average woman's promiscuity.
But as a guy when you say that you're labeled a misogynist. The guy who wrote this book also did a video clip you should see. "US Chicks Body Counts Are Crazy."
In the clip the women all claim that they and their friends have on average 30 partners. Some women had friend groups where 80 or 100 partners is the norm by the age of 25.
And guess what? Not a single one of these women wanted any of the men they dated to have less experience.
Patriarchy is a direct consequence of the fact that men must constantly be evolving and out competing the average woman or never find a partner.
So if you're a guy that dated like me based not on looks or an immediate desire for sex, you get treated the worst.
And that doesn't necessarily mean I'm a perfect catch or a 'nice guy' that is owed something, but feminists and leftists need to stop perpetuating this stupid 'patriarchy' narrative as if men have arbitrarily decided that women are beneath them and are something to be dominated. It's not true or accurate.
The relationships between the sexes is not the same as racial oppression, because most men and most women desire a partner.
Men aren't oppressing you by trying to be what it takes to find a romantic partner. But when you tell them they can't approach women in public, but oh btw women will never approach, they come to the conclusing that yeah, 'I guess I have to be what's on the cover of a romance novel to get a woman to treat me like a person' and that kind of person is an Andrew Tate.
It's not that hard to grasp. What women find most sexually attractive is what they call patriarchy. They don't punish the men participating the most, they punish men not participating the most.
@@maddylovesjokes3913 So it's not really a generalization say women date up. Most women do. The women that don't would date a man that makes about as much as they do or less, but most women that date a man earning less have that guy on a shot clock until he surpasses her or she breaks up with him.
Every other generalization about women that you see on Fresh and Fit's show is a consequence of the reality that women mostly date up. So men can't really date up as well. Men can't even choose to date down. We choose women based on an entirely orthogonal set of values like youth and beauty, ability to have kids, promiscuity.
Because that's what women are using in the first place to get a partner that has more experience and outearns them.
So when Myron says women deserve less what he's communicating is that women have deemed it misogynistic for men to have any set of standards. But the reality is they have no real choice but to avoid single moms since single moms often take their deficits and charge a man extra for them. So the man has to put out additional labor for a child that doesn't love or respect him that he can't fully discipline and will abandon him at any moment.
That's the meaning of the book 'women deserve less.'
It's not really misogynistic at all. Women will sleep with 50 men, demand a man that has 60 partners, and inexplicably expect that guy to pick a woman with 50 partners over a woman with 2.
Think about it, if all women are demanding a man that's superior, why would a man ever, under any circumstances choose a woman that's only slightly inferior? Why not choose the most inferior woman possible? Make sense?
It's a bit hyperbolic but it's not inaccurate.
@juded6639 You are so extremely off the mark now. Body count is a social construct that should not matter. If you are going after women who think its so important to have a high body count then you very much are only looking for a purely social relationship. Not a romantic one. Social relationships that are relationships formed out of the need to have relationships/need to look good and so on. The way you think about women is definitely not how the majority of women are. I'm sorry you've had problems with problematic spoiled women but it seems you are the same bit problematic and spoiled. Expecting women to bend for what you need and blaming them for your own misfortunes in dating is purely your own problem, not theirs.
Gotta vent real quick, I'm cishet, and I just can't fucking deal with how men socialize anymore. This dryness, the quip contests, the short-circuit rationalism, the belief that emotions are superstitious and childish in nature, when they're factual things that can be grasped, with an internal logic that can be understood. I can't go on with that stoic, ultracool vibe with other men any longer. I don't wanna be my friend's bro. I wanna be his friend. If that makes sense.
I've even questioned my sex and gender way back because not only are my emotions so damn strong, but I also feel impulses towards caring acts as much and as strongly as I feel, like, anger. They're just there and I can't ignore them.
I am 100% sure atomization and alienation happen when toxic masculine (and capitalist) standards evaporate our inner eye for our needs. We unlearn what it means to live in community and neighborhood, to see or hear others, or be seen or heard. We don't take our authentic inner lives to the table, so we subconsciously feel disconnected by default. We don't feel that we are the system, even when we act out of and feel all the entitlement to be part of the club. Entitlement is ever just cope for a deeper sense of undeserving. And we all felt undeserving because we all felt these emotions at one point.
We unlearn that there is a sense of societal leverage that comes with non-transactional, reciprocal interpersonal relationships. And that you can learn not to be afraid for the value of your own personhood, or your lovability. Suddenly your emotions (and true self) are seen, you learn that your inner self can contribute to societal change. Women have known this shit forever, man. Toxic masculine standards in combination with expectations of academic performance within a dysfunctional family structure made me so fucking mentally ill.
take it to a publisher. jp i get what u mean
As a 27y/o “baby” trans man… thank you for putting into words the struggles I have tried to put into words about my emotions.. that feeling. The sadness I have when thinking of when I “pass” that ill loose an emotional part of my way of experiencing the world
@@maddylovesjokes3913 Ignored
As a man who's been a man his entire life: You only lose it if you choose to give it up. I'll pass on to you what my master sergeant passed on to me: "Mutts bite and bark and bitch at one another all day. But the wolf does not care about the yapping of mutts. Be the wolf."
Meaning, the complaining and whining of your contemporaries only matters if you let them drag yourself down.
@@maddylovesjokes3913 Ignored
This video made me feel deeply sad and hopeful at the same time. I'm a children's therapist and most of my clients are boys. I really hope I can at least give them a place where they can feel their emotions are acceptable and safe to feel and explore. Maybe slowly things will change.
"Maybe slowly things will change."
Why I do I know that what you really mean is: "maybe slowly I WILL CHANGE THE BOYS".
Problem:
No one knows what "better" is, only that what we have is "bad".
Combine this with Normative Male Alexithymia, and you end up with a dumpster fire...
I was in highschool from 2010 to 2014. My age group recognized that we were a kind of clearly transitional generation. We were right in between the old and the new in regards to technology and social values. We were some of the first in our highschool who had begun to view masculine strength as being more related to self-control and intelligence. We were also extremely open about and aware of mental health issues. We still firmly had issues around not being able to easily express emotions, but we were talking about them, trying to be honest with ourselves and others. We absolutely were not as wise or innovative as we thought we were, that’s not what I’m getting at.
In 2012 I moved to a different high school, and when I tried to speak openly about my depression and anxiety, to have conversations at lunch about other people’s wellbeing, I was blatantly shut down. For context, this school was in a much wealthier town than my previous, and there was a hyper-competitiveness pervading everything the students did. Mental illness was viewed as a sign of weakness, so many would not openly speak about it, and would get offended if someone else did. It was a paradigm reinforced through every aspect of life there, and it helped open my eyes to the significance of social conditioning. At my previous school, my friends and I had engaged in our own primitive social engineering in an attempt to create a more open and accepting community, and it worked better than it should have. We chalked it up to how smart and good we were.
When I tried to repeat the previous successes I hit surprise invisible walls at every turn. This new school taught me that to enact social change a deep understanding of the community you are in is a requirement. I learned that the reason for the success before wasn’t because my friends and I were special, and that instead the strong relationships we already had with our peers opened doors to change that would not have been possible otherwise.
I still often catch myself falling into the trap of just condemning and patronizing those that seem to hold society back in my eyes, but you can’t build a better society off of judgement and condescension. I’m not saying we always need to be civil (unless you like staying out of the way for fascists), but that we should be aggressively trying to understand the paths of everyone, and that we need to focus more than we currently do on effective community engagement. Get to know the people around you, give them a chance to be full, complex, deep human beings, and to show you are the same. That’s how we get ourselves out of this mess and into a new, hopefully better, one
Thank you for making me fall in love with philosophy and sociology. Your work is always amazing and always helps me formulate my thoughts on the given topic. When I started watching aretheygay years ago I had no idea it would turn me into a transbian communist but here we are...
samee. his content has really been instrumental in my interest in the social sciences and has been a pillar in my life throughout my journey to accepting my own identity.
@@svarakissoon1189same!
Fate is a crazy thing
@@espeon871it truly is...
The “longing for domination masked by victimhood” was such a good fucking point and when you expanded on Bells work it was like everything clicked in my brain in the most painful but satisfying way. Like woah human nature is terrifying.
*bell
@@Brooklyn99432ofmdThey probably correctly meant "the work of Bell", and so they meant to write "Bell's" but just forgot the apostrophe.
@@Paroex i'm pretty sure bell hooks writes her name in lowercase
Showing support after watching what James has done to you and others ❤❤❤
I highly recommend watching his stuff if you haven’t, it’s all very funny and informative
@@Andyatl2002 *funny if you think saying gay constantly is funny (which it objectively is of course)
I adore your style of presenting these information in these forms of video essays! Keep up the good work, yo
"By placing the blame for the perpetuation of sexism solely on men, these women could maintain their own allegiance to patriarchy, their own lust for power. They masked their longing to be dominators by taking on the mantle of victimhood."
As a guy, who grew up around a lot of girls, who always had more girl friends than guy friends, who "is not like other guys" (literally said that to my face), that quote kinda hit for me. Because you will run into women like that. You will find these kind of girls that will say very proudly "I hate men" and blame men for everything wrong in the world and so on and so forth. Especially when I came out as bi and had things like "the typical bi girl experience" circle around, where a straight girl jokingly says to another girl "i wish i had the option of not dating guys." as if we are some kind of curse. The rethoric of TERFs that sure, is targeting trans people, but perpetuate and bring back the base assumption that I am some kind of wild animal and not a person with feelings... That one just hurt. So much. Cause it's so fucking true.
Yeah. I've been guilty of saying "I hate men". But like, it comes from a place of coping with the helplessness of living in a patriarchal society, not genuine hatred of men as human beings(for me at least). That's not a justification, just an explanation. I just get so exhausted with being viewed as a sexual object, feeling like any public space is not my own, having my feelings downplayed and ignored. Feminists used to say they hate the patriarchy, but by now the word's meaning has been muddied up so much it doesn't have much impact anymore. So we just say men.
I recently watched a video essay called "Horror IS femininity" which is really interesting and to me just showcases the horror of being a girl.
I empathize with you, but to keep myself safe I have to go off a base assumption that many men are "wild animals" as you say. History has taught us as girls that if we aren't constantly vigilant, we will end up dead.
You need to learn from older woman. 70% of women initiate divorces. There is a crisis of older men dying alone. Understanding the problems women have with men will help you from seeing yourself as a problem. The main problem women have is that men severely undervalue and take for granted the labor of love that women do. On Ashley Madison, 99.9% of users were men, vast majority married. The reason is their wives don't have the literal time of day when they are raising the children and taking care of the home. Men by and large don't divorce but instead cheat because they would lose the unpaid labor that their wives are doing for them.
What you need to do is learn to take care of yourself. This means learning to do your own laundry, cook your own food, clean your own domicile, and if you plan on having kids then plan on changing diapers, plan on cooking food for them, plan on washing their dirty underwear, plan on cleaning the house. If you've leaned these things before getting in a relationship, you won't dump them onto someone who does it because they love you and leaves you because she found out you were entitled to her unpaid labor.
Do you not think sexism is a serious form of oppression or is your victim complex that big? It might be a combination of both.
Men ARE the oppressors, men are responsible for sexism whether they realize it or not. The same way all white people can unknowingly perpetuate white supremacy, all men can perpetuate misogyny and patriarchy.
@@MichelleHell There is not a single guy in his 20s who can't get laid or can't get dates due to not regularly washing his dirty clothes or because they wouldn't change diapers. Obviously this is hyperbolic, but I hate this notion that men are supposedly lonely because they are "sexist" or using women as unpaid labor. Dating is not fair and it REWARDS patriarchal men, it doesn't punish them.
Do you know who is single? Men who have an unattractive face, men who are unable to perform traditional masculinity and men who are considered losers. The rest is completely fine.
The only reason so many women struggle with these uneven relationship dynamics that you mentioned is because they never looked for guys who have a progressive mindset in this regard in the first place.
Sorry, but this is just the truth. If getting laid means doing household labor, then men would step up so fucking quickly.
@@nmadnick2345 rar!
The end goal of feminism should be equality after all, all genders should have equal rights, women should be able to be masculine and men able to be feminine without judgement and the idea of emotional vulnerability should be removed from gender and be celebrated and explored by all
Love the comment section. Just people sharing traumatic stories about having to conform just to end up with "I might be non-binary honestly"
Great video btw, really good production (love the colours of the shots)
so glad to have these "more serious" sociological videos. your channel has really become a comfort channel for me, regardless of the content that you're making, but i love your charisma and it has made me look at things from different perspectives and explore certain concepts more thoroughly than i do in my classes. i've been a fan of your videos for a few years now, before i even started studying sociology myself in any sort of serious way and now i'm planning to pursue it at a tertiary level. hopefully this isn't weird and parasocial, but you really have been a huge part of my passion and interest in the field.
am i gay watcher to sociology student pipeline gang
I find it odd that there is so much debate about gender being a social construct, and none about femininity and masculinity also being a social construct, arguably to a much greater degree than gender.
Isn't like part of the same conversation?
Oh god, that middle bit really spoke to me. I'm afab, and the constant grieving for the missing things that I loved, 'boy stuff' feels like a punch to the throat every time I remember what I could've had, if I'd had the chance to enjoy what I really loved. And it messes up how you live, forever.
I had a friend who was raised in a very toxic masculinity family, in high school he decided that he needed to "toughen up" any male friend who was younger or quieter then him the same way his brothers did to him. This came in the form of some very toxic nick names like "pisshead" and "shithead".
I do have to say, despite this he IS a great guy and he has apologized about this to me. He has come to understand that it wasn't right but he still can't stop what his family's training as done to him, despite improving a lot.
I was just binge watching your videos and suddenly TH-cam notified me! The quality of the videoes lately are astonishing. Keep it up!!
My good sir, i cannot express my joy finding this (first) video of yours: sociology is my jam and will be my bread and butter as a social worker; the interesextion of feminism, queerness and masculinity is one of my top favourite topics of study; and your aethetic is entirely perfect for my sensory needs.
I am ecstatic.
I love autistic queer joy! 💖💕🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈💖😁
There's times I've wondered if I'm trans. I have quite a few acquaintances who are trans. Despite being a dude I cry a lot. I remember I moved out of my parents house for the first time when I was 28 (really late, I know). I was imbibing a lot of this manosphere stuff and felt like I had to "man up." I noticed my worldview was going from left wing to right wing pretty fast. I watched a lot of Jordan Peterson, Ben Shapiro, and Steven Crowder videos. I was super transphobic, and was turning homophobic as well. To this day I still have a lot of internalized homophobia, transphobia, and misogyny.
I saw effeminate men as less than. Weak. I contemplated joining Proud Boys and had these intrusive thoughts about firebombing the gay bar in town. I knew that if I didn't stop the way I was going, I was going to do something awful.
Thank you for choosing to step away from that fear and hate. No matter what great truth about yourself you find, it still means you're human and a person whose life matters. You matter, my neighbor, and some of us want good things for you. May your journey be fruitful and lead to good places.
Field theory just completely broke my brain when thinking about how neurodivergence can cause one to find difficulty when moving between fields and adjusting to the implicit rules. Like why I always get strange looks when I dance in the aisle of the supermarket when a certified 80s banger comes on, but at a party or a concert I'm fully operating within a social field that renders my perceived difference invisible. Wild stuff.
Just dance in the store. Thats what I do :D You'd be suprised how being the person who kinda, brings a little joy or awareness to "ooohhh we shouldn't do that here" is quite rewarding. People clock you sometimes and then they're like "oh yeh, music is playing, thats whats its for, why not? its not harming anyone."
It only takes one person to break a norm, for the norm to questioned so much, that it starts to look silly.
@@satyasyasatyasya5746I sometimes feel ashamed go dance in my school cause I always do it in an exaggerated way, but music is so good that I just don't care about it anymore when the right song comes
@@marmolejomartinezjoseemili9043 just dance. its a human impulse and a harmless display of joy. defy the misery that capitalism is so intent on painting everyone with.
@@satyasyasatyasya5746 yeah I will, its also infectious haha
Contrapoints if she was a hot guy instead of a hot woman, subscribed
This video is wonderful, and is everything I have been trying to get across for a long time. I am absolutely thrilled to see so many people of all genders relating to the experiences you talked about. This is such important information, and I hope this knowledge becomes more prevalent in mainstream feminism in the future. Absolutely wonderful video, 10/10
@notville_ coming up next: the "didn't ask" guy finds out who asked him 🙀
@stopsin1 That has "Im making fun of people who think the earth is a globe" vibes all over it. Just embarassing. Self-own.
It's funny, hearing these quotes - I used to think my only purpose in life was to have sex, and that I was never really motivated by anything else. Then I turned 20 and tried it and realized it's just not that important.
Strange to hear a full-grown adult write a book that states the same view.
thank you to you and the other transmasc contributors for your vulnerability in sharing how you were toxic in the past. this was an incredible video.
@notville_Ew
@notville_ragebait
@@itskurapikasfacenotsailormno it's just a bot
Honestly, as a cis guy, he doesn't get it. Bell hooks said it best women satisfy their for domination through male bodies. I resisted for years and finally decided that I'll only pursue long-term commitment with a woman who doesn't demand it. But such women are few and far between
@NotVille_ You are ragebait, indeed. Randomly going to someone and being like "didn't ask", super weird and creepy and then implying that you have watched cp isn't just a self-own. It's a self-report. If we'd live in a perfect world, you would be investigated for these comments.
Patriarchy promises so much shit.
Honestly, if I was told that all the power and stuff I was promised is unattainable and hurtful and that all my efforts and suffering were futile I'd also get unbelievably bitter and angry. So it makes sense so many men hold on to patriarchy and defend it so sharply, cause they don't know anything else and they're scared.
Sometimes is hard to be empathetic and sympathetic to men because of how much pain patriarchy instills to women and minorities;
But as is stated in the video men clearly have and can find the capacity to overcome that feeling of betrayal, fear and entitlement and allow for change. I find a lot a comfort in that idea so I'm gonna hold on to it, yes.
Patriarchy was always about people trying to survive in harsh environment. It delegated responsobilities and enough rights to fullfill those responsobilities.
Which is why women got to have their own credit cards for a decade or so before men stopped being held responsible for women's debts in USA. Well it happened because without nessecity societies could impose more arbitrary rules. Maybe in time equality under the law will be a real thing. A man can dream
Thank you for holding on to it, men still suck, but many are trying. I know as a single individual I can't change Patriarchy, but I can't opt out of it, or be a bit of a fifth columnist within it, which still feels like not enough. I guess voting and advocating for the most feminist candidates is another good thing.
@@principleshipcoleoid8095
I feel like this last two centuries we've focused so much in semantics and on who's right or wrong that we forget that these systems that pretend to gives us comfort and a sense of identity actually just care about profit and about keeping us just satisfied enough and obedient enough so we keep working.
Truth is humans are not created equal, we all have different needs and priorities and sentiments and characters and skills and physical capabilities. The only thing the notion of all humans being equal does is make people feel like they're being deprived of things if these are provided for others.
Equality is not an actual thing, at least not in the sense that everyone deserves to have the exact same things. To each their own.
@@bucherregaldomi9084 Exactly. Being aware, investigating, listening and asking questions is probably the most important thing. I'm guessing it can be kinda hard cause for minorities a lot of the info that we have is lived experience so is pretty intuitive but for cis straight men it's probably a bit hard to compute, not because they're dumb but cause is just a lot to take in?
@@geminikid sorry for being not clear. What I want is that the same actions, or equivalent actions be treaded fairly independent if it's a man or a woman. Ideally even how the accused and accuser look and sound would be ommited untill after the jury do the verdict.. But that might be too difficult to arrange. And yes abuse victims of all sexes need shelters, support ect. It is possible that men need different kind of support, at least on average. I did not mean to advocate for equality of outcome!
ultimately, there's only so much feminists can do for a demographic that refuses to listen to them.
like it is one thing to try and save the oppressed.
But it is another for the oppressed to save their oppressors from themselves.
Feminists don't have anything to offer to this solution. Women certainly have to be involved but feminists spent time thinking about men from a feminist perspective they don't want to understand men from a man's perspective.
Feminists have the least potential to help men in this case. They spent too long throwing all men under the umbrella of the “patriarchy” that they can’t view them as normal people anymore.
Maybe it'd listen to them if it actually tried to help them
I can't imagine how incredibly positive the response to this video would be if it was about male victims of domestic/sexual violence and the systematic discrimination they face
@@connorp3030 Unfortunately my dude, you can't be a feminist if you're only in it to coddle men at the exclusion of all else.
Half the problem is men being so selfish that they don't consider how their behavior affects not only themselves, but others.
And that includes other men.
Like I understand you are probably new to all this feminism stuff, so you haven't had as much of a chance to experiance this firsthand.
*but your suggestion of talking about male victims of sexual assault also fails to get positive attention from men because they consider survivors of assault and abuse to be feminine men*
And they consider women trying to commiserate with men who have suffered abuse, as equally beneath consideration as the women are, *Because to them, we're just women talking about effeminate gay weaklings*
And the main demographic that men who hate feminists hate as much or more than an "uppity woman" is a "gay man" (said man does not actually have to be attracted to other men, he just has to be vaguely feminine)
And the reason you have to "imagine how positive it would be if" is because your scenario is imaginary.
You can't point to "in the past it has been more effective to" because it hasn't been more effective.
Women and male feminists of course still do it all the time anyway to try and DIRECTLY help the male survivors of abuse, but such things don't reach the men outside of that bubble as advertising for feminist ideology.
At best you'd get a few top comments that support your argument, then *pages* of comments below that calling the male victims a bunch of cucks who gotta learn to control their women.
And you should take this moment to be a bit self critical yourself.
Because you just suggested the most obvious solution to a problem, as if generations of female scholars have all simultaneously had the mental capacity of a 15 year old for their entire lifespans and simply never considered it as an option.
Please try to give a bit more credit in the future.
Feminism is not just some frivolous social club of people who never finished high school. It's a big movement with a lot of academic scrutiny involved, and a lot of people genuinely trying to improve the quality of life of others at the expense of themselves.
After all, it's not just about women, its about the things women care about, and there is few things women statistically care more about than children.
And EVERYONE is someone else's child.
So regardless of gender or age, feminism is invested in the wellbeing of all of humanity, in support and respect of the women who would rather die than have their family and friends suffer needlessly.
So maybe quit sh:tting on a bunch of moms and aunts and godmothers and teachers and cousins and big sisters for caring about their girls and nonbianary people as much as they care about the boys.
*And quit blaming them for getting upset when dudes fail to care about anyone but themselves.* and do the equivalent of seeing their little sister getting attention as somehow stealing attention that "rightfully belongs to him".
@@arcanineryu your comment is wildly ignorant
as a young trans man, still developing his sense of identity and masculinity, this video has opened my eyes to many questions i had about my place in the world and the ways i wish to implement my masculinity. at first i, too, tried to embrace what i thought being a man meant- including these toxic and harmful viewpoints, and it's hard sometimes to let go of them because, as you said, the world is a bit colder when you're on this side of the gender spectrum. it's quite the job to deconstruct and create a new concept of masculinity based on love and mutual support but god, i'll try to uphold these morals as much as i can from now on. as you also mentioned, as trans people we have sort of a heightened sense of this patriarchal system so it's easier to view how destructive and terrible it is for both men and women, and so we should strive to transform it from our own lives and in our own relationships, little by little.
If you don't understand masculinity, even though you claim to be a man... maybe you should stop pretending to be a man.
It came to me that my English professor (she/her) told us just yesterday the very same words as this cringey book does... I now got to live with this information.
The video was incredibly informative, ty Alex.
casual homophobia implies the existence of ranked homphobia
Yes!
There is ranked homophobia! Have you heard of the government! Don’t listen to this Andrew Tate Stan! 😁💕💕😁😘👍🏻🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈🏳️🌈😁🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈
I don't think it's so much that feminism failed men, I think it's that patriarchy failed men, and feminism failed to dismantle patriarchy, opting to expand women's power, material wealth, and acceptable behaviours within a patriarchal system.
Psychological patriarchy splits elements of the human experience into a set of male and female traits, insists that men may only present according to the male set and women to the female set, and then places value on the male set and devalues the female set. Materialist, opportunistic femninism pivoted away from dismantling patriarchal thinking. Instead of trying to stop the cleaving of human experience into male and female halves, the insistence that men and women act a particular way, and the valuing of one set and the devaluing of the other, opportunistic feminism was focused primarily on elevating the economic and material conditions of women. It did so by expanding the sphere of patriarchal power to include women who sought it. The human experience was still split into male and female, society still valued male qualities and devalued female qualities, but incrementally women were permitted to exhibit the suite of positive male attributes responsible for men's dominance and material wealth, without having to adopt negative elements of masculinity, give up all positive elements of femininity, or allow men access to positive elements of femininity.
In essence, a lot of contemporary feminism reinforced and made more rigid elements of patriarchy, but advanved women's material wellbeing and societal status by allowing them to play the role of men.
I wouldn't say that feminism failed men, I would say that feminism failed both men and women because other forces in society saw feminism as a threat and subverted the goal of gender equality with the goal of female-inclusive patriarchy. I would argue the current crisis in masculinity (because masculinity is always in crisis) is that traditional positive elements of masculinity have become largely gender neutral, and no alternative masculinity has presented inself for men to model. How can men assert their identity as men when the only elements of masculinity left are either the negative elements we don't place value on like the capacity for violence, or are merely the absence of feminine attributes such as emotionality. I think a lot of modern men's only concept of masculinity is "men are the people who aren't women". It's a negative (negative in the sense it an absence of or exclusionary, not necessarily bad) identity.
I'm sure that our current crisis of masculinity is distinct from past crises of masculinity, because past crises of masculinity were a product of patriarchal masculinity being an unreachable ideal we assume the past had that the present lacked no one can ever measure up to. Contemporary men I think, are not struggling with their masculinity because it's an unattainable ideal, I think they're struggling because they no longer have one. They are defined purely by not being women. They have no positive proactive qualities to embody or adopt that codifies them as men, because they're now gender neutral. Nonetheless men are still shamed for not being men despite the fact there aren't productive and positive ways left *to* be men. Then, despite the fact these traditionally masculine roles have been expanded to be gender neutral, they are still expected of men despite the fact they don't make them men. Women may now be a provider or breadwinner, but men *must* be, for instance.
So where does that leave us? The negative toxic elements of masculinity which are almost entirely the absence of feminine qualities. *Not* being emotionally expressive or available, *not* expressing yourself authentically, *not* being affective, a homemaker, a dependent, *not* having close friends to confide in or strong social circles. The only way left to definitively be a man is to embody the elements of manhood we don't value, like a capacity for violence or emotional closedness. If you give men the options of well balanced but gender non-specific person, and toxic lopsided man, they'll pick the latter. Because men are hungry for literally any identity or affirmation of maleness instead of merely being "the people that aren't women".
I hope all of that made sense. And I hope I didn't either a) come off disparaging women or b) imply that women are primarily advantaged by and men disadvantaged by society. I merely wanted to try and put into words the asymmetrical nature of progress regarding gender equality.
10/10, I had these concepts but couldn't dream of putting them in such a clear and succinct way.
Great write up.
I love this. Great read!
13:01 the male infant's cries are ignored more btw. Even when they do in fact cry more than female infants.. Makes you think indeed.
Yes, male babies are more attention seeking than female babies which may indicate they're more sensitive in some way. It makes it even more tragic.
I rarely manage to grasp how deeply this concept of gender is has been buried in the daily life and how much the distinct concept of "how a man or woman should be" has been accidentally shoved down my throat by wellmeaning parents, teachers and peers, since birth and how much it still kinda keeps holding a grasp over me even though I've never felt like either of these, I don't like any of those labels and I don't feel like a man or a woman but like a neutral thing, does that mean im "nonbinary"? That's at least the title I feel more comfortable with than the ones who've been pushed on me as default...
you can still call yourself a man or woman. not liking the gender roles and expectations doesn't nullify that at all. and you can use nonbinary if that's what really makes you happier!
i went with agender for a time, for my own peace of mind, but really i'm just indifferent to it now. if anything i unironically think arsongender is what i'd use. fuck this shit let's burn it to the ground, you know.
if you like the label, you can use it! congrats on reflecting on what you really want gender-wise
@@sparingharbor2600 As much as you're making strong points, you've just made a wild overgeneralization of women. If you truly believe that all women want a masculine-ly socialized man then you are missing the entire point. I was born a woman and I much prefer a man who is "soft" or "sensitive". Women want men who will treat them like people. That is the low bar set for men. On top of that, bad experiences with some men can lead women to pushing for higher standards than just that original low bar. If you're having a hard time with dating women, you either aren't treating them correctly or you aren't in the right place to find that secure love you do want. Someone out there will love you if you respect them how they want to be treated.
So interesting coming back to this video after watching philosophy tubes latest video (where she also has this video as a reference) where she talks about how the concept of "the family" and "traditional family values" is always in crisis and connecting that with how men and "traditional masculinity" is always in crisis. These two structures that are both used to uphold heteropatriachical systems and thus rely on this constant crisis narrative to continue to function in society. And they actively rely on and reinforce each other, the traditional family does not exist without the traditional man and vice versa. Very interesting seeing and making these connections!
As domeone who identifies as a guy. This video made me feel so vulnerable, uncomfortable even, because it really just puts into words me literal life experiences and all the things I've seen and felt.
Also its time to stop saying that male and female are opposite concepts
To be honest, every time I see a discussion about gender or partake in one I always notice that it boils down to 'nature vs nurture' which is so ingrained in our understanding of people.
And I am so sad to see that men in my social circle often feel threatened by kindness.
I hope that the world can be a better place one day.
All this stuff was cool but Bourdieu's voice over having a French accent was by far the best thing about this video
I owe you an apology. Before this video, I honestly thought that a trans man couldn’t fully explain the effects of toxic masculinity on men. “Surely you have to grow up in it to fully understand it” is what I thought. This video however taught me brand new things about being a man that I hadn’t even considered. I was wrong, and I was a bigot. I’m sorry.
Lmao. She is talking about our problems🤣
@@ErenDenizMert I genuinely dont know if you’re joking or not
@@ShadestheMothmanI personally didn't feel seen or represented by this video. I liked FD'S Murphy Macken interview MUCH more. They use systemic and material analysis to understand some of the issues.
That is a very mature response, you kept an open mind and were able to re-evaluate what you believed and reflect on it, that’s more than many are willing to do, so thank you
Yes to new video essay! Also, the Kens should watch this.
Literally!
You cant fail a group you never tried to help lol
You can, not that it matters since you’re just making up scenarios, rather than looking at reality.
@@BenjaminWalburn I didnt make up any scenario
This is so well done :-) I recommend Iris Marion Young's "Throwing Like a Girl" if you haven't read it - it's on metaphysical feminine modality. Nods to the discipline and self-surveillance that women face subconsciously.
11:59 needless genital cosmetic surgery might be a part of it. Especially for ones who didn't even get the painkillers because medicine didn't know yelling and going into shock from pain meant the infant CAN IN FACT EXPERIENCE PAIN
I think one of the big mistakes we make is putting the onus solely on individual boys and men to heal from the effects of toxic madculinity themselves. Yes, men are responsible for their own wellbeing. Everyone is. But if we tell them that they should just figure it out and find the right spaces where they can be valued emotionally, without questioning how we and the people around us enforce the patriarchal norms that close those spaces off - we arent going to get very far. We have to actually create the conditions in which men can feel safe emotionally, just like how we have to create the conditions for women to feel safe phyisically. Its an all hands on deck issue, and we cant hope to succeed unless we get the majority to participate.
I know that exact feeling of feeling a part of you die when you “become a man”. I feel like a completely different person, and I just wanted to go back to how I felt before. Eventually, I forgot about how I was before. watching this video made me think back to the thoughts I had back then. I love this video. Keep up the good work. 👍
Do you think more trans man should be aware of this?
neggawatt @stopsin1
@@lour8862 I mean more men in general should be aware of it. It's not a uniquely transman thing. Why do you think so many men play video games, or are childish in their hobbies? Boys learn very quickly, that becoming a man means slaying that part of you that needs others; or die.
@@ZeroNumerous Yeah true, i have a trans brother that recently said "All my bosses say that i need to do this and that or i wont be a man, no wonder so many man kill themselves". It's so sad, when I was a kid I thought toxic masculinity was bullshit
This video is truly amazing ! As a trans woman i always found myself drawn to the social questions surrounding masculinities because i gres into the patriarcal social structure with the exectation that i was going to belong to the dominant sexed class.
I'm just a bit sad that Raewyn Connels' work on masculinities wasn't used, i really like her framework of analysis !
@notville_ Bro, what the hell is going on with you?
I really want to watch this video, but the fact that I'm a "failure" of a "man" (no social life no conections no sexual life or gender experience even tho I'm not a bigot) feels painful to watch, because I don't feel like I'm part of neither the target audience of the video or the man being adressed. Makes me feel forgotten, like I don't exist.
You should probably watch it then, man
Dude, the footnote on TERFs and the various lived experiences of trans and gender-non-conforming persons in which we've (referring to trans and gender-non-conforming people as a collective) been raised as the sexes we've been designated with at birth and how difficult it can be to let go of any attachments to previous experiences as a dead gender hit me very fucking hard.
As an Autistic trans man growing up as an Autistic girl (who became more disconnected with womanhood as cis and neurotypical womanhood)... womanhood was something that was more complex and sometimes made no sense the older I got, like having to shave facial hair, legs, wearing bras [they're uncomfy from my limited and subjective perspective] being told that swearing is bad because I was a lady, being told 'don't be a slut' [that was weird coming from a grade 6 teacher in the 2010s in a Canadian elementary school as I grew up DFAB {designated female at birth} and I wasn't too excited about my period when I first got it since I was neutral about it], girlhood was a very wild ride (not to say it in a derogatory way, but in a more factual way) because people will look at Autistic girls and women and think that they don't look Autistic enough [because people think that Autism as a neurotype and disability is more 'white', 'cishet', 'non-intersex', 'male', 'Christian', and so on, when in reality, Autism as a neurotype and disability encompasses all ethnicities, faiths, races, genders, sexualities, cultures, disabilities, and the ways we perceive the world].
I've had an experience when I received a diagnosis of scoliosis at 12, and the doctor who diagnosed me with scoliosis saw my medical history and saw the ASD [Autism Spectrum Disorder] diagnosis on there, and recommended that I be referred to a psychiatrist. A parent who was with me wasn't having any of that shit and they threatened to take this to media (I am glad that they did because if they didn't have a chance to call out the doctor for this display of medical misogyny and ableism, then who knows what would've happened).
Once again Alexander, thank you for this video (it's helping me see which behaviours I am going to need to unlearn and which words and language I may need to change for myself to ensure others' safety, but not at my own expense and doesn't exacerbate my people-pleasing tendencies).
I've only shared one of my limited experiences with gender and the ways that my neurotype and disability interacts with it, but as I am white and Jewish, I didn't have to worry about the ways that DFAB persons who are nonbinary, transmasc, trans men, and intersex and who are BIPOC interact with a racist, sexist, colonialist and transphobic society, and that is due to the white privilege I have that shields me from experiencing the adultification of Black and Brown women and girls, and of Black and Brown DFAB persons, the infantilisation that Asian women and DFAB persons face, the masculinisation that WOC and QTBIPOC experience, including the medical misogynoir and the intersections of xenophobia, Islamophobia and the Asiaphobia that detrimentally affects WOC and QTBIPOC.
The trans community is incredibly GNCphobic. I am sick and tired of being assumed to have some special gender identity if I don't perform "femininity" as a woman.
☠☠@notville_
I couldn't have asked for the video at a better time in my life. I have been mulling over why it is I can't connect with other guys and what it is I'm actually looking for in life. You managed to contextualize it perfectly. Thank you
The problem with modern feminism is that it completely lacks class consciousness. The overwhelming majority of the backlash the movement gets comes from poor/working class men who feel they are being punched down at by the upper class. Modern feminists don't make it clear that they are talking about the men at the top and not low wage workers living paycheck to paycheck, which is the average man's situation.
That’s one problem among a countless many yes.
Incredibly well researched, structured, and produced video. Some of the topics discussed here have been "voiced" or mentioned during my studies of Psychology, so it was very interesting to hear about it from the aspect of sociology. Extremely good video.
This video is so well researched and I’m so glad the affect the patriarchy has on men’s mental health and development is being discussed! I work with young kids and it breaks my heart seeing parents begin enforcing male roles and expectations in their kids at such a young age😢
As a man myself, im thankful for Feminism. It assured me that despite not being manly, or being emotional myself, i am still a man, regardless of how a lot of my peers say or feel.
It's also why if you get abused by a partner, there are essentially no resources out there. And it's also why if you ever have kids and the relationship with their mother breaks down, you are less likely to have much custody of them, what custody you have won't actually be enforced, and the only thing that will be enforced is that you continue to pay for them on threat of being jailed (better not lose your job!).
Oh, and that paying for them thing? That's mandatory, even in cases where you were sexually assaulted, subjected to reproductive coercion, an underage victim of statutory rape, etc.
This is of course where someone chimes in and declares all that to be patriarchy, but feminists argued for VAWA, feminists argued specifically that they should be able to get funding while only serving women, and also that anyone who gets VAWA funding must serve women. Child support only works the way it does because it mostly benefits women, and enforcement reflects that (more women than men are in behind on it, but more men than women are punished for being behind on it).
Kentucky passed a law requiring judges to start from an assumption that equally shared custody of a child was in the child's best interest unless there was a good reason to believe otherwise (and most of the reasons you are thinking of are spelled out as an explicitly non-exhaustive list of examples of reasons to move from equal custody), and that law was fought and protested against by feminist groups. NOW has in the past referred to men who want more equal custody laws as the abuser's lobby, because the only reason men would want more custody is to use the children to abuse their ex. I want to point this one out in particular, because it enshrined in KY state law an idea that those evil, dangerous, misogynistic MRAs had been arguing for for around 15 years.
Ironically, some of the feminists whose positions I agree with most often are former NOW higher-ups who are...not in line with the current views of most feminists, or even deemed explicitly antifeminist despite their views not shifting drastically since involvement in NOW. Karen DeCrow and Warren Farrel come to mind. DeCrow actually argued that parenthood should be a choice for both parents, that independent women making unilateral choices regarding fertility, childbearing and birth should not be able to force men to support those choices.
49:29 I think this might be why most of my friends in my life has been girls, I'm generally a sensetive person and struggle with anxiety so those friends have just felt more supportive than the majority of the few male friends I have had and eventually grown apart from as we aged...
By far the best crash course I’ve ever seen on the fundamentally linked concepts of patriarchy and gender and how they oppress each and every one of us. I will definitely be using your words when trying to explain to people how these systems affect our lives. Society stands to benefit greatly from you.
I wouldn’t call it a crash course mr straight! 💖💕💖🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
fantastic video as always, Alex! I especially enjoyed the artistic direction this time around. Great musical cues too. Go pat yourself on the back, man!
toxic masculinity failed men
End of sponsored segment near the beginning for those uninterested in it:
3:17
48:18 I transitioned in my mid 20s and as a “girl” I felt More pressure to prove myself cuz I didn’t want to be what the patriarchy constantly told me is my “natural biological state”. The social expectations were indeed less, I just had the opposite reaction to it.
Damn, you still tha goat. This is probably like the best essay on Men i've seen. and by a good mile. One of your best vids too. dang
I disagree with it being his best video but yeah 💖🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️💖💕👍🏻😘👍🏻
I don’t hate straight people! I have three confirmed straight friends and two of them are Christian! The other goes to a Protestant school! I don’t hate you please don’t think that! 💖💕👍🏻😘💕💖😘👍🏻💔💔🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️
Still doesn't talk about male victims of domestic violence/sexual violence/imprisoned due to discrimination etc etc
I was watching a Mutahar vid and accidentally tapped this vid when i took my phone out my pocket.
The aspect ratio and title got me staying over here ayeee
💕💖💕💖💕💖🎉
I'm a transgender woman, but I didn't discover that about myself until I was 22. Up until then I considered myself a pretty normal guy. Moreover I was a very progressive guy. Hell, at age 12 or 13, I can't really remember, I swore to myself that no matter what kind of person I was, gay, straight, bi, trans, I would embrace myself with open arms and never let anybody talk me out of being the me I needed to be.
I was a little bit socially awkward, anxious, a bit feminine, and definitely an outcast, but I had a bizarre sense of pride that I can't really explain the origin of, and that pride carried me through a lot of bullshit. Even in the deepest of depressions I carried on with a sort of "fuck you world, I will continue to live just to spite you" vibe that I still have to this day. It's a part of me that I value, and hope never leaves.
Because I was an atypical, but oddly proud person, I marched to the beat of my own drum and wound up eventually befriending other men in highschool who didn't quite fit in either. We became a clique of outcasts, and I look back on the time I spent with them dearly. Because of those friends, my earliest experiences with masculinity were incredibly positive. We were there for each other, and we didn't judge each other.
This however is where my schism with feminism and the left began. I graduated from highschool in 2011. The early 2010's were a time of great hope for me. Issues I cared about like gay marriage seemed to be getting resolved. More and more my schools Gay Straight Alliance had less and less to do. Mostly we just donated to AIDS cure research foundations and went to pride. It felt like the old christian republican fuddy duddies had finally lost and it was our time. At first I was overjoyed by the rise of 2010's pop feminism. Suddenly being like me wasn't an outlier, we were the norm. It felt like we were the majority.
What should have continued to be a positive thing however started to shift into the negative as I went to college. Increasingly it felt like I, as a then white male, was not really wanted or needed at LGBT functions. Especially since as a guy I was very "straight acting" I did not have the stereotypical gay lisp, I wasn't fashionable. In short, I didn't have what it took to be the socialite gay guy, and I wasn't an out and proud lesbian, so I was just that guy in the corner of the LGBT group meeting room who looked a bit slovenly and didn't seem like he belonged. I felt more ostracized by what arguably should have been 'my people' than I ever had been by the mostly straight misfit dudes I went to highschool with.
As college went on my mental health declined. I sank into the worst depressive period I've ever experienced and it eventually led to me realizing that I was trans, but that process still took about 3 years, and in those three years I identified not as a woman in a crisis, but a man in crisis. I was a man in crisis during a time when male tears mugs were being sold by youtubers. A time when half the channels that on the surface I agreed with were blaming everything on men and the patriarchy. Even back then I didn't necessarily think the things they were saying were wrong per se, but rather the optics were horrible, and steps taken to "correct" the issue were amateur and foolish. Teach men not to rape sounds good from the perspective of flipping the script on the concept of "women asking for it" by wearing revealing clothes or simply existing, but it sounds horrible to men who already know rape is bad and now feel otherized by half the population.
Even if you know for a fact that you aren't part of the problem, when you are bombarded by messaging that frames your entire gender as the problem it eventually starts to get to you. I became increasingly stressed and desperate for someone to take my problems seriously, because it felt like the conversation was only about women. The patriarchy made it difficult to turn to other men for help, sure, but women were no easier to turn to as many of them wrote off my problems as less than. I cannot stress enough how much that hurt and how bad it was for my mental health at the time.
It's not at all surprising to me that I then turned to the mens rights movement, particularly after seeing Cassie Jayes "The Red Pill" documentary. It was the first time in seemingly ages that anyone, much less a woman, seemed to give two shits about my problems. Not only that but the subjects in the documentary were men who seemed exceptionally interested in my problems and wanted to take active steps to fix them. I didn't find woman haters in the mens rights movemet. I found people who cared. Because I met so many nice people in the mens rights movement, I suddenly felt even more lied to by feminism which had always branded them as a sexist and anti LGBT group. I discovered nuance in the issue. There were people in the mens rights movement who were indeed assholes and part of the "Manosphere" but there were just as many men who simply wanted to be seen and heard. Men who didn't hate, just felt abandoned.
Throughout all of this I watched as feminist and LGBT talking heads continued to use verbiage that puts down or alienates men, while at the same time calling for changes in society that I found increasingly petty. Recall that I personally felt like many of the lefts battles had already been won back when I was graduating highschool. Even as I began to explore my gender and take steps to transition, my connection with the LGBT community was shattered.
By this point in time I was being fed propaganda from the right wing. It was incredibly easy for that shift to happen because the only people who would give mens rights activists the time of day were right wingers, so I had one foot in the door already, and that's all it takes for propaganda to work. There just needs to be one issue you agree with. One thing they can grab onto to pull you all the way in.
Thankfully, I am, and always will be hardline in support of the LGBT community. Even if those representing them come off as horrible, I cannot deny that I myself am queer, and that isn't changing. So I cannot support the side that so vehemently stands against my best interests. That alone pulled me out of the right wing hole, but feminism helped push me into that hole in the first place.
I don't know if feminism failed men in general, but it absolutely failed me and I don't even identify as a man anymore.
This, always felt like a “man” and was comfortable with the label. That is until men and women were telling me I had to act a certain way to be a man (and being shorter than most women I was never going to meet their standard anyway). I started in alt right spaces because they came at mens issues with a sense of care rather than exhaustion. But over time, as I did more self discovery, and interacted with more people in this space, I realized.
Where I thought I found community, in truth, they were just adding to the problem and saying they care, but any real ask for change that doesn’t favor them was met with anger.
So of course, already having pretty progressive views (I would just ignore them when I was in the pipeline) I decided to switch my focus left, especially when they discuss tearing down gender norms.
HOWEVER, there’s a lot of bitterness and dismissiveness that men face in these circles. Especially when discussing what the solution to mens problems are. So you begin to feel unwelcome in inclusive spaces. You see women who claim they want to tear down gender roles still asking of men to do traditionally masculine things so they can feel reassured in their gender identity. And you sit with yourself and go, “I’ve been here before”. And then you realize.
Where I thought I found community, in truth, they were just adding to the problem and saying they care, but any real ask for change that doesn’t favor them was met with anger.
So I guess that’s kind of where I’m at. Not giving up on women, feminism, and equality but not really excited about it either.
@@austin7952 yeah that's pretty much where I've ended up too, only now while being extra on guard about in groups and echo chambers.
Feminism has not failed men because its a movement that seeks to fight ( and end) the oppression of women. To say that feminism has failed men is to imply that feminism ever owed something to men. It didn't. Feminism is for women.💜
True enough, but don't say you care about equality, you're a sociopath who is only able to feel empathy for some people
Feminism is explicitly about helping men and women.
@@NeverUseAnApostrophe then why does it promote discrimination for male victims of domestic/sexual violence?
@@connorp3030 It doesn't. It promotes the idea that men are socialized into dominance (to their detriment) and that women are socialized into being seen as helpless. It fights both of these ideas. If you think it promotes descrimination then you don't understand feminism or what "fighting the patriarchy" means. Because dismantling the idea that women are always the victim, and always weaker, is explicitly part of that.
@@bulletsandbracelets4140 too bad that feminist orgs do in fact promote discrimination
Whether it's Mary p koss (current CDC feminist expert on sexual violence) promoting the idea that female on male sexual violence is a lesser crime then the reverse, and being instrumental in setting the sentencing guideline that a woman convicted of forcing a 13 year old or older having sex without their consent getting only 1 year in prison (or none), or refuge (largest domestic violence organisation) setting up a hotline for male abuse victims where they extensively question the validity of the callers story or whether the abuse they received was there fault before providing support (only government funded form of help for male victims btw, thanks to the national organisation for women), people like you will always make excuses about how real feminism isn't like that, while doing nothing to stop it
Yes. And the world failed women.
Videos like this fascinate me because I'm genderqueer. I look back on my childhood and it's astonishing that I wasn't diagnosed as autistic sooner (I know why, because I'm AFAB and it was the 80s and autism was a 'boys issue'). I rejected the cultural expectations of the gender I was assigned, it felt so uncomfortable, it didn't fit me, but masculinity, while more appealing than femininity, didn't fit me any more. I'm neither, and society often doesn't know how to deal with that.