Why Most Avoidants Come Back After No Contact
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 ก.พ. 2024
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Why is it that we are seeing all of these stories with avoidants coming back after the no contact rule?
Well, in today's video that's what we're going to explore.
We will cover things like,
Attachment theory
Interviews
Research Findings
And testimonials
All geared towards helping you understand why the no contact rule seems to be one of the most effective strategies that draw avoidants back in. - แนวปฏิบัติและการใช้ชีวิต
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I'm exhausted just by watching this. Do yourself a favor and stay away from avoidants-- they will suck your energy dry...
Well, if you never learn you will always fail connecting with avoidants.
@@hansmartin6053 No such thing as 'connecting with avoidants'. It's a one-way situationship. Always.
I’m a DA trying to heal. Take it from me, stay away at all costs. It’s a black hole.
Is that what that is? Ew I felt that way. Drained. Down 🌪️
No Thanks ☺️ ❤
@@carnivoreyogini1576exactly. Issssa LOOSE LOOSE Situation. 😊LOL We are the prize and when we don’t cooperate we become an issue?
I Don’t think so. Keep it moving like Cattle 😂
They’re like repelling magnets, no matter how you approach communication, from what angle, slow or fast, that magnet is always going to repel you. Yeah, I understand they have an attachment style that comes from trauma, but it’s no excuse for cruelty, rudeness, emotional abuse, cheating, lying or leading someone on. Zero tolerance for that.
That metaphor is so true.
Yup. It’s not cool man. I’m tired of people trying to make them victims more than the other styles
Exactly and my ex took the test and came out secure. Ain’t no way if she was secure she would be able to apologize and take accountability which she can’t
Thank you!!
The only serious they want is when they find a partner who is the major provider...esp financial ... know one who was a "kept" man for 27years until she had enough & gave him a taste of his own medicine....she left him without any warning.... ghosted him.. like he probably would have done to her if the tables were turned.. IMHO
They dont get lonely because they are already in a rebound relationship which they more than likely had lined up before they left because they cant be on their own & need validation all the time,instead of working & being better in their relationship they leave for someine who is less than you so they dont have to step up & be better.......let them off anyone who thinks they can do better than you or doesn't choose you all the time and see your worth let them go....they are not worth it
Wow 👌 well said watched it the last week
That sounds more like a narc not an avoidant
Sounds exactly like an avoidant lol
💯
That’s actually Not true
I’m avoidant
I avoid ALL relationships
I have conversations with ppl. I talk to coworkers…etc
But NO , I absolutely DONT have someone lined up or some kind of rebound
I don’t have any desire to be in a relationship or sex just bc ….
I chose to invest my energy in myself ( I don’t/ won’t hurt myself) … and I don’t have to measure up to anyone standards or compare myself to anyone else
I feel free :)
I made no contact for over a year and he got married less than a year after no contact. She can have him. Emotionally unavailable people are a waste of time.
Yeah they are!
(Can I double “LIKE” this?!!)
Emotionally unavailable people ARE a waste of time!!
They are unlovable
@@gutta9922 …in a way, they got it beat out of them.
this happened to me! she looks like me! so these avoidants are suddenly available to other people???!!!
There are no success stories. They WILL miss you during no contact and return, but usually they only want a friends with benefits situation and they will leave you again. No contact is for you to take space and heal. An avoidant is a lost cause and not worth a second of your time.
YEP
That is only the truth. But the other truth is my instinct or trauma that leads me to chase him, even knowing he is definitely not worthy. Healing is not easy, and takes time and purpose. Is good to ready the comments and remember....
Exactly, when they return there are always hidden motives
@@sindymendez1359100% snakes 🐍
I told everyone they were wrong when I re connected with my ex, I left her once and we bumped into each other after a month, argued a bit but then met up again the next day and had a great time together. I wish we never had. They don’t change, it’s a waste of time. Somehow it was my fault for “leaving her like everyone else” after she’d been so avoidant with me. Maybe wake up and try and change your ways then, the only common denominator is you.
They have a fantasy partner concept but never work on themself to be a trusted partner for that fantasy partner🙄🙄🙄and that is when I question their intelligence
Yes they are not emotionally intelligent or mature at that. They are smart enough to know what their problem is but broken enough to break their partner n they feel like it’s even n hope no one else finds you appealing. They are damaged you damage you in return so you don’t move on. They are low key narcissist.
Lol never thought of it that way. They want someone they know they're not good enough for, and if they had them, they'd just leave for that reason. My last bf told me I checked all the boxes. We had great chemistry and a strong connection. Then he said he just wasn't in love with me and that I should go find someone who can love me the way I deserve. Made a WHOLE bunch of sense lol.
@@trucuriousity I experienced the same exact thing. Made me so fucking angry. Why play with people like that if you know you are like that. Just giving up way too easily.
Yassss omg thisssss!!!
@@trucuriousity my ex husband who’s probably an avoidant (we had a long-distance relationship for 3 years before I moved to his country) told me something similar “I love you but I don’t love you romantically anymore” and “you don’t deserve all of that” which made me so freaking angry bc I tried to communicate with him throughout the entire marriage. He said he wants independence and guess what? He found a new girl 1,5 months later while I’m still heartbroken.
Btw I found out that ALL of his previous relationships were long-distance which makes me think he’s a 100% dismissive avoidant.
My ex gf blindsided me 25 months ago!!! I dropped off the face of the earth and remain in No Contact, radio silence! I'm not on any social media! She knows nothing about me. Not a peep from of her. I will remain in no contact forever!!! It's her loss, and I'm totally healed now. When she walked away at the time it felt like a death!! All is good now!! :) Stay Strong!!
R.I.P to your ex avoidant 🙏🌹
Yes! Thank you! :) @@derwoodhamburger
Wow. That helped me. My avoidant bf discarded and ghosted me 6.5 months ago and I'm still in a world of pain and still haven't slept through the night without waking up sad even once.
Glad it helps you. I understand your pain and how you feel as I lived through it also. I lost 20 pounds at the time. It took 1 year for the pain to subside. Now I'm flying, no more pain. I never thought I would ever feel like this, as I no longer care whether or not I hear from her again. Give it time and ride through the storm; I promise you'll feel better again. Remember, you're the Prize not him. Let him learn the lesson of what he's lost. He lost the Prize! Stay strong and remain in no contact. They broke it and it's their job to try to fix it. Would you really want to go back to someone that let you go? Chances are they would do it again sometime down the road. You're the Prize! Stay Strong! :)@@fieryheadedgirl
@@fieryheadedgirl I am experiencing the same thing with you. It's been about six months since my narc discarded me. It's so painful still. I cry a lot and I can literally feel pain in my heart as I type this. Every once in awhile I feel like I'm healed but then I circle back to utter grief, crying my guts out, and feelings of despair. Anyway, just wanted you to know you are not alone! ❤️
Most people aren’t anxious avoidant. They are responding anxiously to avoidant behavior which is healthy and normal. They sense the toxicity.
Avoidants turn secures anxious.
Avoidants shouldn’t be allowed to date until they have had a solid couple years in therapy.
anxious turn secure avoidant
Omg you nailed it
Yep mine turned me anxious! I've always been secure.
Quite right yeah! I started doubting my secure attachment after her shutdown started. What got me mad was that she couldn't give me decent explanation on what was going on and as I truly needed it, I started compulsively dig for it, trying to find out how to react properly.
Same boat didn’t get an explanation. But on the third day i bowl down gracefully and go no contact. On the second day of no nc she started bread crumbing me i did not pay no mind.
No contact means NO Contact! And the purpose is getting over your EX! Not get them back. So many people have opposite intentions to get them back .
No contact means it's over/whether that intention of no contact is from yourself or whether it is from your ex ,supposing it's from your own perspective,then you will be clear as to your reasons as to why you want that(then on the other hand try to understand from your exs perspective-they have their own reasons as to why they want no contact with you-and therefore you have to respect that just as you would expect them to respect your decision to not want any contact with them:-it can be difficult but not impossible ,you have to discipline yourself-distract yourself- once you accept this the better you will start feeling and being in yourself.a fresh start can bring better things/people into your life ( for you- and you matter most - not your ex )
I was the phantom ex, he made this clear. When he came back I couldn't compete with the mythological version of myself that he had in his head.
Wow. ❤
Same 😞
What's the point reaching out to someone who didn't want us? There's no point at all....self respect and self love must take place ,forget about them and move on😊
In my moments of weakness I’m so desperate to reach out. My mind is always trying to rationalize a text. I took a screenshot of this comment and I will look at it in the hopeless moments. Thank you ❤
@@Kavilion You got this 💜
I'm an avoidant. She broke up with me. I'm going to therapy and working on this. I will never allow myself to hurt the one I love again.
good for you and those around you!
@@DidiGrooves Thank you. It is a battle. Us avoidants are fucked in the head but the healing process has been quite quick as long as you embrace it (atleast that is my experience). I am so excited to love someone to the fullest extent my heart can allow and not EVER hurt them.
This comment was refreshing! Good for you! Hopefully you will find happiness and enjoy your life with a nice person! 🙏
@@joygibbons5482 I wouldn't say ashamed is how I'd describe it. You are right, we are avoidant for a reason. We're avoidant because something happened to us that traumatized us. It could be a breakup, could be a bad relationship with parents or friends. What we need to do is see why we are avoidant and fix it, because it is not healthy.
Proud of you man
No 45 days, No contact is: you walk away and never look back. No contact is forever if the dumper doesn't contact you.
I initiated no contact once I felt the shift in the ‘honey moon phase’ but I told him he should break it. If I initiated no contact should I break it ?
@@lotusbomb7594no if you imitate no contact don’t break it until they contact you and when they do, you can start the new relationship from there as long it’s worth having a relationship with said person
Avoidants core wound is fear of rejection. One of their coping mechanisms is needing space. Fear of losing independence is not the core wound, rejection is.
Nah they are addicted to being a victim.
That is why they dont change.
They dont care about rejection to feel that you must feel love.
They dont
@@Sanecatlady74No, you don't have to feel love to hate rejection. It's all just ego. No love in that.
Yes, and by projecting that fear they tend to end up being abandoned or rejected! Ironic, isn't it? They are their own worst enemy.
True that's me ❤😂
Avoidants and anxious hve the same core wound indeed. They both can't deal with uncertainity in relationships. Because their parents probably didn't give it to them. The avoidant feels secure in their "not needing anyone" and hides in a golden cage. They want that connection but fear it to death, but they've buried their fear of abandonement.
Anxious attchment is much more aware of their fear of abandonement and tries to solve relationship uncertainity by clinging as hard as they can.
Avoidants despise their own medicine. It's pretty hilarious 😂
Treat others how you want to be treated. Apologize and do better if you messed up. Running away again literally does nothing, and no one will chase that. Pray that you're enlightened one day 🙏🏽
@@Iamsimplyfree fk avoidants... honestly. i'd take hitIer over a dismissive avoidant lol smh
Not far from Narcs in my vast experience.
@@tredd9019 Spot on! They come back because of narc supply running dry. Avoidant narcs are a sure bet.
Yup just mirror them then they become anxious😂 they know what they are doing. Even if unaware at first over time they be conscious of it
My boyfriend told me on one of our first dates “I’m not a chaser and I don’t dote on anyone.” What a giant red flag that completely flew over my head. I paid dearly for my ignorance. Never again will I date a personality of this type.
Oh wow mine said the same thing. He said "I don't chase anyone"
Wow. I have said that exact quote word for word.
The guy I was dating told me he got bored with people really fast and that was the reason why he had never had long relationships. Of course he ended up telling me he actually didn't want to date anyone after having treated me as his gf for 3 months
@gabrielaquintanafonseca2567 Mine told me the exact same thing in like the second conversation! I should've put the "closed" sign out as soon as I heard it. But no, my ego took over and I told myself that those must've just been boring people. He wouldn't get bored of me because I'm anything BUT boring! Man, oh man. Everything I needed to know was right in front of my face from the very beginning, but I didn't realize some of the things, and ignored others. I was just so excitedly attracted to him. It was unnatural, and I suffered horrifically for it. 😮
Mine said Exactly the same thing and I remember thinking what are we 12? Should of listened games games games so so exhausting I’m f&$#+& done
I’d rather the electric chair than a dismissive avoidant relationship again
Worst thing ever I mean it's more devastating than being with a narc
I am an anxious person, but 45-days of no-contact I will definitely forget about that person and move to a new one lol
absolutely...so do I ...
Im secure who’s only anxious with avoidant people. Many anxious are probably actually just this. I have no problem being alone. After a breakup with an avoidant I really love, I’ll feel a glimpse of relief at 45 days no contact, but I won’t be over them. I can’t have any desire for another person for many months, sometimes a year or more.
Same
@@chris51385meh I’m an anxious attached and I def will move on if it was a short relationship!
Wow this was amazing, so much tangible knowledge. Thanks man
Avoidants want people in their life, but they don't. So you make your presence known and then NEVER reach out. Let them do all of the reaching out. I learned the hard way.
Better yet, go no contact. Permanently.
You hit the nail on the head. We do want people, but in a limited way. It’s a difficult conundrum for us to work through. I work best with a small group of friends and professional acquaintances, which still gives me plenty of alone time and independence. Trying to date one of us is just Einstein’s definition of insanity. To quote Billie’s song, “it’s not what we’re made for.”
Trouble is, if you let them train you to never reach out, you are being trained to be unequal/non reciprocal/ unhealthy in your approach in relationship. Personally i dont want anyone who makes me a worse person....
@@taleandclawrock2606how does not reaching out a lot make you a worse person? Some people like talking everyday and some every other day or just a couple of days a week. There's absolutely nothing wrong with any of those. If you are an everyday talker and you're with someone who isn't, you're probably just incompatible.
@@taleandclawrock2606yes you are correct 100% can not love an avoidant. It will not work. Even if you let them do all the reaching out the AA will become anxious and say you aren’t doing enough to validate them. They will then raise all hell. Either you will start to reach out more and then they’ll discard you or you don’t reach out more and they’ll discard you. You can not win I promise you
They are bad news and like playing with people. You can never get a straight answer.
No point in getting them back.. once you get them they start fantasizing about the last phantom ex. These people are extremely sick in the head and should be avoided you cannot have a happy relationship with them. It’s like trying to be with a spoiled child who will never take accountability for their transgressions.
They are never alone with their thoughts, they are serial cheaters. They are never fully in the relationship. They always have back up plans.
Don’t walk, Run. Go no contact and stay no contact.
Damn.. it sounds like they hurt you really bad
And are you ready to take accountability for your own behavior in that relationship..?
I'm scared to get bitter, therefore I'll try to heal instead. One great thing I have learned from "my" avoidant, is that no one is owing you. You have to take accountability for your own needs and happiness. If they don't meet your needs the first time around, you are free to leave. If you choose to stay, then, well...
This is true 💯
True
I fully agree with them. Better leave these people where they are. You move on and go have a happy life, i am 41 years old and recently dated someone like that. I am too old for that shit.
Honestly! Life is a GIFT! Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. Does anyone want to waste that precious gift on people who are messed up and just mess others up? It's tough loving a DA but for God sake leave them be and give yourself the time energy to enjoy that Gift or give your love to someone who can reciprocate it. I wasted 20 years and it's the advice I'd give myself long long ago.
Excellent advice!
20 years is a long time 😢
Hey man, when did you say that is enough? how can I differentiate between if I'm overly anxious attached or if she is avoidant & I shouldn't try to keep on going like that? Appreciate it in advance.
Say this all the time! Life moves fast, why waste it on someone who can’t meet your needs and is a constant struggle when there’s someone who wants it and can return it like you? As my therapist said: “do you want a project or do you want a partner?” Avoidants are lifelong projects, they rarely make any meaningful changes and just you putting up with them in a relationship is in effect just enabling them to never introspect and always remain how they are. Most never seek healing in therapy and doing the work because they don’t think there’s anything wrong with them. It sad, but they probably will never experience a full life bc full lives include true love and relationship. They end up alone in their little protection caves, fantasizing about their dream lover who doesn’t exist and feeling self righteous about all the people they hurt.
I think I loved a dismissive avoidant in part, because it felt "familiar" and familiar feels safe, even when it hurts.
6m of no contact I’m proud of myself. I am self aware , that I have anxious attachment style / he is the dismissive avoidant . I have realized that I didn’t need him . I am actually doing better. I’m not missing out on anything. Just live life in peace .
6 minutes? 😂
I'm at 6.5 months. But I'm in significant pain still. Did yours give you closure or suddenly abandon you and ghost? (Mine did that). How long were you together for? (Sorry for asking personal questions) :)
@@fieryheadedgirl if you're keeping tabs on how long... then you're doing no contact wrong. the point is to get over them, not mental manipulation to get them back.
@@fieryheadedgirl iv been with mine for nearly 5yrs! So hard work I went nc for 3 mths enough time for me, it was the best thing I ever did for myself, they do come back mine did and this is the 2nd time but this time is different, I’m not clinging to hope that things will be ok, the nc was all about me, stop thinking about what he’s doing and go look in a mirror and tell yourself everyday how amazing you are and what you really want because when you take back ur power you really won’t care either way, I was so heartbroken for the 1st mth is was unbearable, no man is worth more than urself, learn to love yourself better and when you do that’s when they want to come back, take care xx
I *am* using no contact to get over, not get him back. But I am still very aware of how long its been and shocked he has never reached out in over 6 months. No one manipulating anyone here. @@AviatorsVEVO
Avoidants sounds dangerously close to narcissism traits.. 🤨
Yes!!!!! Avoidants even create narcissists
Yes you are right. They want everything on their terms.
They are..
Covert ones.
😂
They are
Yes...because the narcissist is an avoident but not the opposition...otherwise both of them are worthless
As a former anxious avoidant, I dated a dismissive avoidant who throughout our "relationship" was never affectionate nor made any effort to make it work. In addition, I also found out that she was still in love an ex boyfriend from her past which led to me finally walking away. I would definitely not recommend anyone to date a dismissive avoidant. It's not worth it.
Did she ever get back together with that ex or was she just in love but not wanting him back?
Ouch... Some of us are trying here!
Hey! I'm a DA. I have learned how to get along and am pretty (mutually) happily married. I have an exceptionally patient partner tho. I would make about 90% of the population miserable in a marriage but that's because most of us have dysfunctional attachment issues of all kinds and my patience is close to zero. I'm quite fortunate to have found someone who gives me the space and freedom I need.
Funny how you don't mention any of the things you do for your partner....@@ladvita32
Time to go apologize to your exes
When they go no contact with me I make sure that I make sure they hate me so much that they will never come back.
What do you do? I kinda do the same. I trust people but once they show me their toxic side and that they are a POS i usually go crazy and lash out and tell them all of their worst fears
@@Defy1x that just reinforces their toxicity. If you don't have time to play the "walking away again" headfuckery game for a lifetime to finally draw them in, then block them & even get a restraining order if you have to.
@@JakeKlineMusic oh i block them after i tell them their worst fears. Ive gone no contact for years.
Love it. Good for you😂😂😂
stop treating no contact like it’s something that should be temporary and time bound. that’s just going to cause the dumpee to look forward to the day where they should “give it up”. Just go no contact. Permanently.
As the person that’s been dumped, it’s not your responsibility to fix what you didn’t break. Let your avoidant dumper go through their stages of the “death wheel”. If you reconcile then great, but if not then it’s not meant to be. Why want someone that doesn’t want you?
No contact always works. Either you stick with it and grow as a person and become more secure over time, or you get your ex back if they reach out first and that’s also a win if that’s what you want (it shouldn’t ever be you to reach out as the dumpee really!!).
And ultimately why the hell get back on their death wheel a second time. If they come back it's probably just to use you.
No don't get back with ex. No contact is to move on and let go
I start self blaming and apologizing ...bad problem I grew up doing....apologizing to my abusers.
THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS
And they adopt anxious people like pets
They’re bad owners but
They seem to like to choose those, claim they’re annoying, then come back if you’re silent
😂😂😂
Top tier comment !!!
This is a really good summary, which I can relate to.
The cycle forced me to go within and heal myself. I had to see my own codependency. The reprogramming is literally as a drug withdrawal. Took about 2-3 years, but worth the work. Every codependent has to go through it. Side effect of Western living.
Can you give me some advice 🙏
I wish more people would do this! Coming onto threads to blame an ex when you're unhealed too does absolutely nothing but get other unhealed people to give virtual high fives.
@@ghitasoubhi1242 Remember that you are in control of your own life. The only person in your life that can truly validate your own thoughts and beliefs is *yourself.*
"I had to see my own co-dependency"...."reprogramming is literally as a drug withdrawal".... yes and yes!!
Honestly, after 3 breakups with a dismissive avoidant, I am done. I'm tired of being put on a back burner for days on end. All I want is peace✌
A person doesn’t have to be anxious to want to fix a problem the other person invented.
If you don't try with an avoidant narcissist, they accuse you of not caring or cheating etc. If you do try, they devalue you and reject you. Its a lose lose situation.
God this is so true haha. It’s so exhausting!!!!
Avoidants don’t bother watching this. Atlst anxious learns but avoidants most likely stays stagnant.
Truer words were never spoken. At least us APs try to change and work on ourselves. That would mean they actually have do face some of their fears and they're too afraid of vulnerability to do that.
definitionally, narcissistic
Exactly.
Im an anxious avoidant and I am watching this to unlearn horrible insecurities and heal that way I don’t hurt people I care about anymore.
As a therapist. I am beyond impressed.!
This is spot on in every way. No contact is supposed to be for you, not to get them back. If you heal during no contact, you won't want them back when they try. Maybe I am secure now, instead of anxious which is what I used to be.
Become the ex that they miss… simple.. you need to relate the good times to you, by being your best self and then being unavailable, letting them miss you..
Yes ❤
No games. Games r toxic. We shouldn’t have to pull back to get them to come in. It’s not sustainable and not healthy.
Holllaaa 💪🏻
Bro your editing style is insane; great quality must’ve taken ages to do!! Keeps you engaged.
This means more than you know to me!!!
As a person with anxious attachment style, I completely endorse the "anxious attachment death wheel". Everything about it is true in my case, and I am thankful that I have been able to figure the last 2 stages by the time my subsequent breakup occurred (because the previous one wrecked me).
I won't chase anyone anymore, no matter how much I crave for that connection to materialise. I am way too tired and ill now. I'd rather make myself happy and refuse to have my efforts to make someone feel special and understood consistently taken for granted. Rather invest all that in myself now: the lesson has been learned.
100% agree
What if he's a top 10 percent man all these girls want due to hypergamy lol?
my ex was an avoidant. we broke up nov 26 and for 2 months we had no contact. we met unexpectedly and we decided to try and patch things up cause he said he missed me and wanted me back so we did. i was really hoping that this time we would improve but unfortunately we became worse. we had a heart to heart talk and i asked him if he sees me in his future and he said “i dont know”. he then kept saying he was too toxic for me. i told him i was willing to compromise this time. he said he hated seeing me suffer with him and that i shouldnt adjust to someone who wasn’t willing to change their behavior for me.
i felt my heart broke literally into pieces. i went to as low as almost “begging” him but he pushed me away. hurts so much to know he doesn’t and never valued me.
In a way, he valued you enough to not keep cycling with you.
Value yourself and let go, that's the lesson for most of us ❤
you shouldnt compromise their thoughts to your life in order to be someone. if they dont accept it thats the way it is..
The problem is he DOES value you, but cannot wrap his mind around it . I am at 4 days NC so at the very beginning , and as much as he completely devalued me at the discard , refused to call us any thing more than FWB, he also told me I was the kindest and best person in his life . I know he valued and still does value me , but he cannot bring himself to that space . Do not question your worth . Ever .
@@megangagliardi9896I’m also 4 days no contact after my DA partner just broke up with me for the first time in our 4.5 year relationship. I am freaking out but trying to stay calm. I just love him so much and wish he wanted to talk to me.
I agree so much, I feel like you hit the nail on the head. The avoidant always goes after the same "type" and then feel disappointed when it is a "repeat" of the same cycle and then they resort to ghosting, then they look for a new "type / partner" and repeat the same shit again but there is never any conscious realization or reflection or growth on the part of the avoidant. I don't get that at all.
I’m new to your videos, but they have made me cry. I don’t want to be a Fearful Avoidant. I hurt people. I hurt myself. I can’t seem to find the proper therapist to help me. Thank you for not making us Avoidants feel like garbage human beings.
Search coach Craig Kenneth
Same here, because darn I feel like garbage from reading these comments
This is why when the saucer men fly over, They say "there's no intelligent life here captain"
Yesssss
I used to be anxious. Went to therapy. Did a lot of healing and now dismissive avoidants are just a turn off. I go no contact and stay no contact after they come back. It's become easy over the years. I recommend you heal first..
What type of therapy did you use?
It is also worth taking a moment in putting yourself in the other person's shoes. Regardless of their attachment style. In particular, if the attempts at contact have gone on, even intermittently, over many years. To a person who may suffer trauma-based depression, what I'm doing seems reasonable, even though I know it is irrational to think that the other person can fix what was broken. As only you can do that. Each attempt at communication does two things: 1) It rips off the band-aid, and exposes you to rejection again. 2) It more likely than not, repels the ex-partner. From their perspective, it is over. You no longer exist in their world. Each time you contact them it probably feels like a violation of their privacy, it's unwanted, it feels disturbing, and could even elicit feelings of fear.
When it is over, it is over. Grieve the loss. And try your hardest to not ever contact that person again. If they reach out to you, so be it. But the idea of the 'no contact' rule shouldn't be time-boxed. There is no hard or fast rule. As each person is different. Each ending is different. You have to find a mindset that is willing to grieve a lost love and accept that it is dead. They are in effect, dead. You can't speak to the dead. So, don't try. I really wish, when I was 20, and my world fell apart, that someone older, and wiser and explained this to me. To tell me that there is no point in trying to ever contact that person for the rest of your life. They may one day want to say 'hi', twenty or thirty years down the line. But don't force the issue. It's over. And there is nothing wrong with you. They didn't reject you or abandon you. They simply decided to switch to a different flavor of ice cream. And if they take a flaming dump on you in the process and end it in the cruelest manner possible... then this person never really loved you. They never deserved your heart. Your spirit. You're always are and will always be so much more than how you are defined by them in that relationship.
If you loved your partner and the relationship meant something to you, there's no way you are over your ex in 45 or 90 days. After 90 days the dumpee will feel less anxious and depressed, but that's it. Realistically, it could take up to 6 months to start feeling better about yourself and the future.
I went 4 months of 0 contact, then we crossed paths socially and for the next 3 months, it was me reaching out with just 3 brief, generic texts (nothing personal or flirtatious). Eventually, I offered a casual invitation to get together sometime. He jumped on it and has been pursuing me ever since. Though the breakup hurt, I needed those months apart to heal, to stop being anxiously attached-- my chasing made him run. No matter what happens between us now, I'm a better person for working through my own issues. I think he has too.
Did you chasing or your needs push him away?
it´s a trap don´t fall a 2nd time
@@KillStealMusic yes. Previous life experiences on both our sides had made me anxious (chase) and him avoidant (resist). Our unmet (unhealthy) needs escalated to where we hit a wall. Healing my anxious attachment is allowing for his healing as well.
@@sakutaro3musik486 I'm not the same person I was then.
Same here! Once you go nc you become secure and when they come back just mirror there behaviour and you’ll never get anxious again 😊
Best is to turn No Contact into Perpetual No Contact. One has to respect oneself first and foremost.
Been in no contact with my DA ex for almost 5 months now and I highly HIGHLY doubt he's ever coming back because his ego and his pride are way too damn big... Anyways, its his loss. He went back to his fwb like a week after we broke up and continues to see her... meaning he never valued me or our relationship the same way I did. It's a heartbreaking realization but happens when you date an immature and emotionally volatile m̶a̶n̶ little boy. Learned my lesson for sure...😩
May God give you someone better.. I never took personally the fact that he likes to talk to other women. I know my worth and he is the one missing out.
Don't count on him not coming back.
This is my story also. He Ran back to his lady in waiting. She is a meth addict with mental and emotional issues.
That was horrible to read. Wow. You are an incredibly strong person for being able to write about it.
Sis, this fool reached out to me after 8 months through telegram, because I didn't remember to block him there. When I didn't respond, he came to my home and started calling my name which I also ignored for some minutes before I went out and told him to stay dead like the ghost he is.
They always come back, when their new relationship fails, or they couldn't get anything better. Just don't take them back, please don't.
NARCISSIST's attachment style is anxious avoidant or anxious dismissive. Their sense of identity relies on them rejecting people. They continually test their partners if you love me let me then break your heart and take me back. Again and again and again.
and avoidants don't do that?! They will silent treatment and kill your spirit!
@@jac1161 Both are toxic. The difference is in intent. A narcissist is deliberately destroying you.
I’m an avoidant
I DO NOT break the No contact
I go on with life. Work extra, work out, go to church more, sleep ALOT…whatever to get things off my mind.
Definitely NOT a new relationship ( I would rather be alone than be with any person… there is one person I fall for EVERY time )
When my ex reaches out I usually will go back
Your 8 stage is 100% accurate
@shawnasatchell8897 so we should not expect an avoidant to reach out, even if they want to?
You're avoidant? You should be in jail
@@derwoodhamburger😂
@@derwoodhamburger
That’s sweet :)
So if I said
I have a fear of snakes
I fear dogs
I fear heights
I fear closed spaces like elevators
I’m ok … no biggie, it’s understandable
But bc my fear is human closeness and trusting others
I should go to jail
Ummm yeah ok :)
Thank you for opinion
Thank God I don’t/ won’t ever really meet u. It’s ur quick judgment and condescending attitude that probably proves to avoidant ppl why they’re better off avoiding ppl in the first place
Have a great day :)
@@user-tz1hl3pf2w
I only responded to say that NOT AVOIDANT PPL break no contact…. I Do NOT expect ANYONE EVER to come back to me. Once a person has showed me I can’t trust or depend ( security ) I DONT want them to come back.
I’m ok without them .
You’re saying we should “reach out after 45 days
after the no contact rule with the avoidant that left”….( ? )
Noo way….unless the avoidant would reach out first - then why even contact them at all?
No, he said at 45 days, check in with yourself.
I am a self aware avoidance! And he is right on point! Working on my self.
I've done this over and over with the avoidant and still we wind up back on this wheel. I'm so tired of it. I want to progress but every time we do, he pulls back and around and around we go. It's no longer fruitful for me to give him space for extended periods of time while I disconnect to get over him, and when he finally comes back and seeks to reconnect, I'm depleted and wary of putting my heart and myself back out there for him again. He just destroys me over and over just to repeat this vicious cycle. I just don't want it anymore despite my feelings that we're so perfect for each other. It's killing me inside. I'm sure I'm on the 6th step of the anxious cycle again but I don't want to repeat this anymore. I want a loving fulfilling relationship and my avoidant love just can't seem to grasp & hold tight to us for any sustainable real future. It's utterly exhausting but I love him so much!!!! I pray God blesses us both to find a way but find myself so disheartened. ❤💔
Please please please, speak to family, or a professional. Have other eyes on him, and bring attention to the issue. You're gonna regret this so much in 20 years, having been living in this tornado of emotions constantly every day. You NEED external help, even if he hates you for it. Talk to a professional, family, HIS family, bring the situation all to light. Bring down the curtains of this abuse and hold a mirror to his face so he sees what he's doing to you.
Perfectly toxic more like. Love urself more.
It's wild how accurate this is. I've literally lived this.
Move on from day one. Life is too short to waste time on people that is avoidant/unsecure/anxious. You deserve better. Action is what matters
I never realized that I was the avoidant until I started talking about my emotions with my current partner. I can't believe how much harm I've done due to not understanding this was the reason. Im aiming to break the cycle and this video has been a massive breakthrough in recognizing my patterns. Thank you Chris. You've done in 20 minutes what I haven't been able to figure out about myself in years of trying to heal and be better.
SO validating. He told me he’d never had a love like he had with his toxic abusive ex and didn’t think he ever would again. Told me he loves me, loves being with me, is crazy attracted to me, loves how well I love him, thinks I’m the most beautiful person … but doesn’t have feelings deep enough to commit. And wants a committed relationship and ours is holding us both back from having that with the right people. We’d been friends for 15 years, stayed up all night talking and laughing and connecting, have crazy chemistry, tons of mutual friends and interests … but he’s looking for some … other person he hasn’t met yet. But he still wants me in his life. I went no contact for a while and was feeling over him and now he’s showing affection again.
Set firm boundaries with him. Tell him that you want something he can never give you and it's best if you remain in no contact indefinitely. You won't be able to move on otherwise, you will undo the healing you've done, and I guarantee he will not change.
Thank you. You're right. After 6 weeks of no contact we started communicating again. He's out of the country so I felt like it might be safe to correspond but it just makes me miss him and feel frustrated that we have this beautiful connection and make each other laugh and adore each other ... but he somehow thinks there's something else out there for him that isn't me. And that sucks.
@@brennam954
Why would u reach out if you’re over them???
Why would you want to check in with your ex once youre through the 90 day no contact and you're over them anyway?
I can not believe how 100% accurate this video is. The entire thing. It literally sounds like you’re talking about my last relationship with my ex. If we ever talk again I’m going to show her this video.
If???? You sound uncommitted. Are you the anxious one? As an avoidant myself, I'd not be planning such an event. Best of Luck.
I probably needed someone to point that out. Thank you.
200 days after avoidance walked out! Almost over her!
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to move on, I really loved her so much i can’t stop thinking about her and the memories we shared. I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail. I’m frustrated, and i don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts, but i can’t.
I have been in such a situation. My relationship ended about three years ago, but i could not let her go. So i had to do all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me bring her back. We are back together, and i must say i am enjoying every moment.
Really? How do i find one please?
Have you heard of Maurice Gleti? She's indeed a good counselor.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
I am so appreciative of the dismissive Advoidant I met and fell in love with. He helped me become more secure from being anxious, learning to give him space over the last two years, because he always came back to me. So it started to secure me within saying I was not abandoned when love is always there.
So are you guys in relationship? And is the relationship/understanding working for both of you?
I dunno , if he's going out with others...that's like a license to cheat..and that is 100% abandonment, however it is then YOU who are abandoning You.
@@leahweinberger583 avoidants who are purely just avoidants, won't lie, if they cheat, they will say upfront, so they are trust worthy.. taking space doesn't have to mean that they are cheating, I suppose.. by God's grace..
While there are narcissists, who will not take any time off, but will cheat you while in relation with you and hide that from you.. so it's more about integrity that differentiates the two.. by God's grace
This is called: Non-committal pairing & it is a License to Cheat 100%
This information is so peak. Thanks Chris. Loving this
Solid video Chris! 🙌🏾
This video is fantastic, Chris. Spot on.
Thank you for confirming my intentions on how to handle the situation with an avoidant and grow myself to be the best version of myself to embrace self-actualization.
Oh my god!!
You’re fabulous!!
The best explanation I’ve ever heard
Avoidants are childish.
💯
4 yr olds
Yes they play too many games it’s exhausting
Who avoid confrontation
They just hate they we ultimately dont need them. How is the person trying to avoid toxics situations worse than the person love bombing@Bluepearl187
Chris did some great research love it. I will add up to it the avoidant doesn’t want to lose their independency true but also focus on the partner with whom they are with not to have any independency from them. Which will kill the anxious partner more during the break up
Beautifully told and filmed🎉
Avoidants are usually shocked into reality when they "discard" me only to realize I can choose to be more "aviodant " than they are by walking off, going no contact and leaving them in the dust. I am secure, so I can easily go solo or have a relationship. I choose what I will put up with and I don't play "Avoidants" mind games. ❤
This is the best video I've seen on the avoidant topic so far ... Wish i had known all of this when i broke up with my ex and former highschool friend a couple of years ago. This vid would have saved me soooo much heartache. Could not be more over him now though. He left me feeling like a used napkin dumped next to a trash can, (didnt even care enough to put me inside the bin) I will never again tolerate this kind of behaviour from a man. I do understand he was damaged goods .....but what we all need to understand is that our shitty childhood or our shitty experiences with previous partners does not give the right to mistreat others.
It does indeed feel like a death when experiencing this for the first time, if you have an anxious attachment style. In my case, it was exacerbated by the death of a parent at a young age. There will always be the fear of abandonment and rejection. So, when the first person I feel in love with, cheated and then left me for that person, it was like a death, but with the added feeling of trauma. And I did everything you shouldn’t in terms of contact. Tried multiple times over 25 years. And to this day, that person will not acknowledge my existence. So, I do wonder if I had made no attempts at contact whatsoever, if that had helped me in the long term. As this is a limbic trauma loop that led to drug addiction and suicide attempts in my early 20s. Sadly, I didn’t have a support system to recognize what I was experiencing. And my brain persuaded itself that just getting her to acknowledge me, would fix everything. I know now, that I was wrong. But it took forever to reach this point. And I still battle with it everyday. But it’s not their fault. They just happened to be the unfortunate soul who uncorked an untreated childhood trauma. Something they could not fix. It was a journey I needed to take on my own.
Your videos are brilliant. A fascinating subject. I am a trainee therapist. The games avoidants play are another part. You have covered the absolute fundamentals, however the damage and repercussions of this attachment style are the pieces that we pick up as therapists. I am in Domestic Abuse, where these styles clash resulting in all types of abuse, triangulation, coercion etc. It's real. Thank you, I find your videos amazing.
The Best No contact Explanation Ive ever watch so far.. ❤
Very imformative🎉
Great explanation! Still it doesn’t make it easy to date an avoidant. The only thing I gathered out of it is to be thankful for the experience and clearly move on and become more secure. Avoidants are the best karmic partners to teach us to grow and improve. They are just light up the way with our own tears to grow. Stay strong my fellow anxious TH-camrs as it’s not an easy path in anyway.
Just move on, I know it’s hard but most of these DA’s are just colossal disappointments.
Wow thanks a lot for those cake charts that explain perfectly the stages in avoidants and anxious! Im astonished! First time in your channel
This video really help me, thank you!
Wow! Well done! Such an amazing research!
I like to categorise it by being aware or unaware.
I can understand from an unaware perspective because imagine someone coming to you and expressing this is 'wrong' with something you strongly believe in or is your 'normal'.
It's when someone is aware of it, but doesn't act upon it is when i feel like it's a conscious decision to do those things
As for the partner, as another commentor has said, an awful lot of people are unaware of attachment theory, their actions etc. And as someone who has only found out due to dating a severe avoidant, it really made me question my reality. Hence why learning about it really made me come to an understanding of where this individual is centering from. Doesn't mean I stay around and accept the behaviours, it just gives me an understanding of the why.
Wish I found this info sooner! Thank you.
Very good explanation! Thank you so much its helping a lot.
I was puzzling almost a year about what was happening in my relation. ❤️🙏🌈
As a person who practices the ‘no contact rule’ cause self respect, dignity, and my energy is of value… what this man says are facts. Usually I’ve had everyone that I peace out come back with accountability towards their actions.
@carlabellbg5724 I have a feeling sunny side has narc traits. It's never EVER them playin a part?!
The modern world is crazy. Spend time with people who didnt grow up these days. I never heard of these crazy people until i was 50
most of my friends are in their 70s. I"m 40s. I cannot tolerate people my age ...they are addicted to SCREENS..that's what happened.
Haha truth 😂
And thank you for this video. It has been extremely helpful and informative to me.
Wow this is an amazing video, thank you
A long term relationship with a narcisist turned me from anxious to fearful avoidant. The phantom ex is true, but I don’t long for them at all. In fact I dread running into them randomly as we still have friends in common, and every moment I find out that our friends protected me from running into them is a huge blessing. I feel tormented and traumatized, and after many years constantly partnered, I’m now going into my third year of absolute singlehood, unable to like or attach to anyone and turning down whoever approaches. I don’t like being avoidant, I wouldn’t if I could.
plz do more videos of the anxious deathwheel! i want to help myself and get some understanding of it
Second this request!!
great one ! thanks
Jus subscribed. Informative vid.
My DA ex came back after 3 months NC.
Everything Coach Chris says is true.
If your ex is an avoidant, and you two had a LTR and deep connection, chances are they'll come back (if you give them time).
NC is key people; stay strong 🙏
what if we broke up because she lost feelings 3 months prior to breakup? think it still works?
@tintinmarchner1267 just focus on yourself. I know it hurts but give yourself a reason why to keep pushing so next time you are on a similar situation it won’t hurts as much. Surround yourself with great friends and families. Be everything she thought you couldn’t be but in the grand picture of all you did it for you not for her. She will see the changes and become to wonder…. Which will create curiosity. And if you have an another girl you hang out with that is hotter than her than boom 🤯
after a few times they stop coming back
How to find a good girlfriend.
someone who does some sport, or exercise usually sport and walking in nature decreases the ego.
Second. Watch whether she uses proper breath. Breathing techniques change your mindset and health, it makes you focus, be yourself.
As actress Goldie Hawn said in a video about mindfulness and meditation.
"Breath may change many things."
@@davidperry4972If you block them everywhere, they can't come back.
My history with my current partner who is also my ex confirms this. We both grew a lot in no contact and now it's so nice and secure with him
well, this gives hope. How long was the no contact and how you got together?
Demands some level of maturity and analysis from both.
This give me hope my partner give me no contact😢
At this moment it almost a month, how long did ur guys no contact last?
Honestly, this is the best video i saw about the no contact and the avoidance attachment.
This is an amazing video
made no contact for 2 months just to find out from this vid its '90 days' probation lol I guess it is somewhat of a relief mine happened sooner but man all the emotions I had to endure. I'm in a much better place now but after the meet up we are back to no contact again lol pretty pathetic but I'm pretty proud of how I'm holding up. Self-regulation and introspection is indeed the way to go.
No contact should be indefinite
17:55 - 18:55 this one minute summed up every relationship I’ve ever had. To the point it gave me goosebumps to hear it described from someone else when the emotions felt so subjective.
This is insanely accurate..