If you catch yourself BEGGING someone for..... human decency? a response? time together? clarity? respect? some compassion? some kindness? You need to take a step back and realize that you're begging someone for the bare minimum. That's ridiculous and beneath you. F…. that.
So, to win back an avoidant, you have to become someone who doesn't want to or needs to win the avoidant back. Well done, avoidants. You only want people who would rather have nothing to do with you in the first place.
@@HBon111 im an avoidant, and I’ll tell you - stop wasting your time. We dont want you to prove something there, fight for us. Because we were not honest during the relationship We were who we wanted to be but it wasn't us
I'm the same I'm on third month of no contact. He reached out when he sees me on Friday night out. He comes to say hi& bye but i end up feeling sorry for having to live this way when he rejected my proposal to being a couple... He texted me on my birthday too.
But all this did not make me want him back.. It's making me not wanting him back not wanting to go stay him or to know what happens next. When i turn the page, there's no cooking back
The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in life is to stop chasing the person I love. Although ultimately liberating, it’s equally devastating accepting the hard truth about this dynamic. Know your worth and stop begging someone to finally see you, they never will.
Agree, hard lesson indeed. If you're not taught this the world will make sure you get a dose of reality. I'm better for it. I found selflove and acceptanced.
As a person that an avoidant not only came back to, but also committed to a relationship, this is true BUT, they do the same thing once you get them back. You spend the entire relationship disappointed because they keep failing to step up even when you’re independent and living a great life. As soon as you act like a normal secure person in a relationship, they pull back. And then you have to leave again. Only it has to be for good.
I had that experience as well. He came back and I ended up breaking up with him after living together for 2 years. He has tried to get me back for over a year and I love him but I don't see enough change and I can't live like that again.
THIS!!! Waste of your time! I was told the guy was falling for me then why didn’t he call or profess his love! Come one! It’s like dealing with babies!! I raised two children! Too many adults that can’t communicate what their feeling or needs are!
I was dating a guy for one month. Suddenly he pulled back. I instantly said “I dont think we are a match”. I need a guy who makes me feel great - not a hot/cold man. Im so glad that I took care of my own weelbeing
LOL imagine wanting long term or marriage with someone who needs emotional unavailability in order to “maintain.” No thanks. Grow up, or stay away from healthy people.
You know if you all bothered to listen properly you'd realise avoidants are by and large the children of addicts and other forms of abuse. Yeah they need to own their s### but really are you just going to ignore and brush away their childhood trauma? Because YOU grew up in a stable home and can't understand how these people are becoming of the product of their environment....which they didn't ask for.
@@libertasdemocratiam887 you’re absolutely right and I really do have empathy for my ex. It’s a really sad and unfortunate . I absolutely wish the best for her and life is not fair. And her credit she was trying to heal through spiritualism and for myself I think I should’ve been more patient and understanding, but I was really patient though and all I could do is let her know I’m here for you, and that I miss her even under the same roof.
@@libertasdemocratiam887 I grew up in one of the most unstable homes you can imagine and went on a incredible deep healing journey to go from victimization to ownership. Yes.. there is defiantly compassion for every human that goes trough these experiences as they can be terrifying and horryfing.. I know these things go deep.. but at some point it is time to take you're bravery and go trough it instead of expecting the whole world to adjust to you're behavior. Avoidance don't need a partner.. they need courage.
They are extremely emotionally delayed. There is no catching them up. They get frustrated because they can’t understand you, so try to control you around the day to day areas they do have a grasp on using anger, silent treatment etc. They underestimate your intellect and misinterpret your motivation. It’s like living with an angry toddler who cannot communicate clearly and throws a tantrum when they perceive you haven’t met their needs.
@universaltruth2025. I suppose like anything,there is a scale from minimal, moderate and severe. What your describing seems like vulnerable narcissist traits, rather than just solely avoidance. I guess a true avoidant fears commitment to an extent they won't make demands, or want demands placed on them, they will deflect blame onto you for the break up, but vulnerable or covert narcs and far more dangerous. Seriously, they will make you ill and even kill you, because they want what you have, not who you are.
@Portia620 actually avoidants and narcs are quite different, a. Narc wants control and deliberately goes out of their way to hurt you, avoidants don't, its a by product of fear. Quite a significant difference.
@@angelm6497 Thank you for clarifying. Narcs are psychopathic and avoidants are in survival mode. after listening to Sam Vaknin it's pretty clear Narcs are extremely dangerous.
My ex DA made me so anxious I finally let go. One week later, I met a fantastic person and we've been dating since and without wny ambiguity. Love the certainty.
This is my favorite video on Dismissive Avoidants and getting them back. If you are a Secure, there should be no need to play into the games of a DA. Do yourself a favor, fix whatever is going on inside yourself that caused you to "attract" the Avoidant in the first place.
We were BFFs for years. I had no clue he was a fearful avoidant. He was married has kids. Didn’t find out until we developed feelings. I don’t want to lose my friend. I still live him. This is a bit difficult.
But the reason they're attracted to secure people is because they're emotionally available which they shouldn't change. They just want the connection in small doses which secure people are not into
@@kittykatsanchez yes, let’s not criticize people who can love and be present to others. Not everyone who connects with these people are anxious preoccupied.
Match energys, if your super empathic this is very hard to do, i know it is, but please trust me as someone who almost had their ex DA take my life. Dont ignore your intuition, dont excuse bs because you see the sad broken child underneith the behaviours. Just match energy. Dont cry for those who wouldn't cry for you. Yes it will make you feel selfish, as if your causing harm, but something I've had to learn is that a certain level of selfishness is selfless, and self loving. do not fall on their sword just to save them from stabbing themselves, they always could have put the sword down and choose not to. All you can hope for is that your temporary light in their life might be a catalyst for change and leave it at that, wish them well, and go your own way, stay longer and you will be a shell of yourself, dead, or end up like them. You are made for for greater things than to be someones emotional punching bag.
Yes!! Weak men and women can’t grow!!!❤❤. Dont poison yourself and vet people well before sleeping with them!!!! I learned my lesson the hard way!!! Dont deal with this bs! Call it out and if they do t self correct then leave!
An avoidant is an unhealed child/teenager. If you are smart, RUN 🏃♀️ and never look back. They are a waste of time. They have no relationship experience and don’t have a clue on how to love you in a healthy way. Best thing you can do is learn to recognize these people and never GET with them romantically.
this is a horrible thing to say coming from a anxious attached person. DA's and FA's get so much flack for their avoidance but anxious people be doing to much and its so much of a turn off. bsffr.
They're super good at being avoidant. They reach out every couple months, they say they care, they say they're busy, but they want to spend time together. Mixed signals... 😵💫
This is such a catch 22, the only time the avoidant want you is when you don't want them. I watch your videos to learn more about these creatures so I can identify them faster so I can show them the door before they cause damage.
Why would anyone in their right mind actually want these people back. Mine was a nightmare from hell. This game playing. You essentially have to lose all your authenticity to get these people back so they can just bolt again later. Most of these people are just narcissistic. Most of the traits are identical. I watched a video on here last night where he talks about the concept of a magician’s cloak. That is nothing but a mask. Trying to get these people back, if you are insecurely attached, is pretty much a guarantee that you will never heal your own attachment style and you will become even less secure and more anxious. Mine had absolutely crazy making behavior that made my nerves bad. When I finally left, it was the first time my body felt calm and peaceful in 12 years.
Yep! I threw away a DECADE of my life hoping, thinking, wishing that “time” would make him realize “our love”… BS! Ten years later, I am alone, heartbroken and in therapy! They drain your desire to live!
I mean they suffer too. My female friend is like this. Closest we got was her saying I might have feelings for you, we can try and date, but I'm afraid I will get weird and destroy the relationship. So I said no. Like I know she's into me, but she's also terrified.
@@johnlicht6532 i never said they dont, but in the end everyone has his own demons, and if i communicate mine, i at least show will to change even if dont know how my partner knows i struggel with that. But avoidants silence is like a kryptonite for every relationship just shut down and be quiet? Where in all human history did that solve anything? Poor avoidants honestly i know they dont know better. But still no reason for me to get mentally fucked all the time...
After dating 3 avoidants in a row, I realize no matter how well you perform, in the end the relationship still heavily depends on them reacting differently to their triggers or doom to repeat the cycle, you can only love them and help them be aware and understand their actions to break the cycle but its still up to them.
I had 4 of them ... same pattern. When I wanted to get more close to them physically they rejected me even dating with me several times. All were very nice looking women but all damaged from previous toxic partners.
@@matjazb.157, women are not toxic just because you're not their type PHYSICALLY. Get that in your head before you start pointing fingers at everyone else but yourself .
@alex if you feel like you have to perform and do all the work, you're doing it wrong dear. Keep it at the 50/50 ... makes them step up or move on. Don't blame yourself, know yourself. It's not easy, I've been dumped 6 times consecutively and most of that by the same two people. Boundaries are key
The whole song and dance is about energy. It's all a response to energy. To change the energy you have to change your beliefs. You have feel differently about them and to do that you have to feel more loyal and respectful to yourself. Watch how things, including their energy towards you, begin to rearrange themselves around you to reflect that inner change. Energy is the only thing being generated, felt, responded to and you can't fake it. Energy is ruthless. But it is powerful. You are the one in control of the way you feel at all times. And when you gather up whatever mental discipline you can and put it to work for you by deliberately changing your focus, multiple times a day, not only will it swiftly get easier, but you will instantly start to feel the rewards and you will love giving all that attention to yourself. If and when they do come back, having felt the absence of your energy that you've been unknowingly feeding them, well... By that time, it probably won't even matter. And that's how you know you've taken back your power, and that's when you've discovered what you're worth, and that's when you can expect you've gained the tools needed to enjoy a relationship where the compromises don't include the love access respect you have for yourself. And it won't make you ride the train out of confidence station. It's all energy. You can chase without ever talking to them. You can feel them distancing without even being rude. You already know this too. It's physics. No amount of information will ever replace you doing the work. And if you're still reading... yeah even if you're not, you've absolutely got this. When you do anything differentl, you change everything ;) Peace
Well said! I completely agree. Me, my needs, my health, my peace comes first. Then if I stay in the relationship it has zero power over me, it's simply my choice to do so. Also my choice to bail if necessary TO maintain my peace. No games, just inner zen.
@@sheenalynneso your in a transactional relationship. Sorry, but who is the avoidant? If you have both reached that agreement then it's fine, I am not mocking it, in many ways it sets clear boundaries and is better than giving it for free and being used; until they decide to move on and you've become reliant on his money. Who's really in control and will you let him go if he decides he's found someone else he'd rather invest in? I'm just saying, because I am not interested in anyone's money, but have been ripped apart by the dug in claws of the user facing the potential loss of their piggy bank. There's a difference between stress relief and ultimate satisfaction, which gives stress relief that just can't be matched. Some men need both intellectual and physical stimulation. It's a myth that intelligent woman are unattractive and or smexy. What are you going to do if and when he figures out he can have better, without paying for it financially, or potentially thinking that he's found a more cost effective alternative?
Im secure person dating an avoidant, but since we started dating I have become an anxious person. We communicate a lot and that has helped us unpack a lot of our traumas with so much grace for each other.
In my humble opinion, you think you were secure before, it’s because no one has ever challenged your insecurities before. The avoidant comes into our lives when we are ready to tap into those wounds and heal them. Once you heal, you won’t have to accept just the crumbs of love. I know this because this is exactly what happened to me. I too thought I was secure before. Good luck on your journey.
Cool. We gave grace to each other too. For years. It still created the same cycle. Check back in with all of us in a year or two or three when your avoidant keeps dipping out making you insecure. Good luck. And much love.
@@fahimshahriyar2494lol right? Push pull dynamic. In other words anxious and avoidant. Mirroring. All leads to eventual healing. Not a bad thing, just really painful.
@@KD-hy3biit's me 😂 one year of letting him go and still, one year leather we fell back into same old toxic patterns like fools. And we both already knew it. But that means we both still didn't learn this damn lesson..
@@ArlinIrisBlue, if you recognize the pattern and you understand the behavior, you can short circuit the cycle. You have to be able to work on it together, though. If they are just sitting in their comfort zone and refusing to move towards you, it's not going to work.
You hit the nail on the head. When I first met my husband I had done a lot of counseling and attended weekly Al-Anon meetings for five years before I met him I would have describe myself is pretty secure. Throughout our 27 years of marriage the hot and cold etc. played a part in me becomingSomeone that I did not want to become. I’m getting myself back slowly. What a difference a year makes of healing
If your in AA, the you will find that your sat in a room with Avoidant's. The good thing about AA, is that the group support helps with all round life and healing you won't find in counselling. Yes counselling is certainly part of the healing journey, but in my experience, it only scratches the surface of what is more deep rooted trauma. We all have scars, its finding acceptance and gratitude.
The longer I spend away from my avoidant and the more I learn about the entirety of that attachment style, the more I feel thankful for not feeding into a relationship like that. I am very thankful for content like this that reveals to me just how toxic a lifestyle it is to be in a relationship with an avoidant. Moving on for me, was started unintentionally as a manipulation tactic. I see that now. However, once I started I realized how much of myself I was gaining back with every instance of denying myself those moments where I desire to have them back. I started thinking about them less and less and regaining my own emotional real estate back in my mind. I started living life again, very slowly, realizing I now have trust issues and even more wounds to heal from. Jumping back into another relationship seems so overwhelming and I am ok with that. I am ok with this journey I am on now and more importantly I am comfortable with the thought of being alone for awhile. Going backwards, now, feels disrespectful to myself and I feel like that in it of itself is a win for me. Stay strong Kings and Queens...
Yeah is sad, but you can't save or change someone that doesn't want to be changed or saved no matter how many time or how you explain it to them, no matter if is the more experienced psychologist, if they don't want to change they won't change So it's sad but you need to continue with your own life and hope for the best for them
@@javieraguirre9135 If it comes of as controlling we just get their back up against us. Even if we didn't mean it that way; but few people have the time or patience to find the ''right way'' to get through to an individual and it's probably not our job either.
I left an avoidant narcissistic man with alcohol addiction & cheating games. I didn’t care for almost 2 yrs & never heard from him again. Glad to be done with that silliness.
I dated an avoidant and it was the hardest relationship of my life. It appears to me that avoidant men want to date themselves, but in a super femine female body. It's impossible. A woman fully in her feminine cannot safely (mentally) and happily date an avoidant man. He does come off strong and self-confident, but deep down they are not. Thus, he does not want the responsiblity of keeping a feminine woman happy. However, I've noticed most avoidant men are primarily attracted to pretty feminine women. It took me awhile, I'm not going to lie, but I eventually walked away. There is NO winning an avoidant man or woman back.
it's only temporary, if we sense that you still want us avoidants= fake personas we will back off. Thats why you guys better ghost us so we know whats it’s like to be ghosted so we can work on our behaviour and seek help
So here we have a work in progress, that shows there is hope for some. And as I have said, as a young adult, teen-ager, I view myself as being Avoidant. I now consider myself secure, but it's been a journey.
@@angelm6497 The key to change is to be 100% honest with people, getting rid of people pleasing tendencies and just being real , not trying to be perfect because that’s what’s causing hiding and avoiding later. Like why would we avoid someone who is accepting us for who we truly are?
@@Sunshine-zk1st your right, you are supposed to be loved for who you are, warts and all. However, trauma can make people under value themselves and that's why they project a false image. To me authenticity is key, I can't do superficial, it drives me insane. I am glad that you are working on yourself and I hope you find a good partner to get you over the finish line. They say therapy is part of the journey but they also say the only thing that can heal relationship damage is another more positive relationship. So absolutely, honesty or authenticity is pretty critical whilst on your healing journey. I wish you well.
This is such a great video. I've lived this. Stopped caring for my severe avoidant, then he cared too much, thus triggering my slight avoidance lol. I'm so glad he's no longer in my life, but I couldn't get rid of him for over 2 years!!! Don't chase, but know they'll then become attached, so DON'T take them back either. You'll feel so good free, once they're gone. Choose peace!
It all comes down to the question, Who am I? How does this relationship make me feel? Is this who I want to be? Because that initial spark or chemistry is miles away from being really compatible. Spotting red flags ( and not liking who you are becoming as a result of this connection is a major one), inconsistencies, being able to address them and feeling your partner is consistently supporting who you are, having common goals and being a team basically. Anything less means they're not the right one for you. Be kinder to you!
Yep, it's like you're trying to catch a stray cat with a carry case. A while after you give up, they will return to beg for food and a warm place, but as soon as they know they can rely on you, they'll be gone again.
😂😂 PERFECT COMPARISON!🤣 I had a life long friend that turned into more, but that's when he got weird on me and would ghost me, unfriended me on social media for 1-4 months then come back like nothing happened. My first time dealing with this beh and it was off putting. I know he has issues; who doesn't but come on?? Be a grown up or kick rocks. This last time, I said,Bleep it, to myself.. He reached out again with a picture of his dogs; sos, different episode.. I was vague to his texts and then he showed up to get his things I had bc I said I was moving. When he got there he said, "we're here" him and his dog; whom I love, but I'm over the drama,lack of accountability and respect. I texted him and said my car is unlocked your stuff is in the front seat,so go ahead and grab it.. TY and I saw him sitting there pouting for a few minutes before he got his stuff and left. He all of a sudden was texting me and replying right away and it was bc I didn't run outside to see him bc he decided he was coming out from under the rock . I'm done. He will always be a friend and I will care about him,but NO THANK YOU. WHO DOES THAT?? WE ALL HAVE SOME FORM OF TRAUMA. FFS GROW UP OR DIE ALONE. SOUNDS HARSH BUT WE'RE 50 YEARS OLD. . I'M GOOD! 👍
Being with an avoidant is SO confusing and counterproductive. 😮 They don't want you to have expectations of them but have at 5 core expectations of you, accordingl to this video.
I think I'm done. She isn't coming back anyways. Broke once no contact after month and a half and even tho we talked for 4 hrs I ain't doing it again. 2 months have already passed since then and I even ain't that bothered anymore. I want someone who can appriciate me, not the one leaving me stranded while I've been so good to them..
never talk to them again, they will never forget you. You have the one thing they never will, resilience and knowing your worth. I still get messages from my ex after 6 years of no contact, literally. Guess she hasn't found better.
@@TheTruth100_ I think she won't be reaching at all so she's actually making it easier for me. I'll hold my ground no matter what. Think you are right about not forgetting, since I carried myself with dignity and showed nothing but good intentions towards her. Also I finished local news portal that she goes to at times and that she helped me with a bit with design. It will sit there for a looong time. So, just another win in the books for me... 6 years and still reaching out? Damn that girl is holding some real regrets about her actions. Hope you have found the one who truly appriciates you ✌️
The best thing you can do is just leave. If by some miracle they come back and start to express they miss you.... dont fall for it. Choose yourself and tell them why you can't do it and if theyre not in a stonewall phase they might actually hear you and learn and heal. Otherwise youre just gonna catch crossfire from the fight with themselves again
Dear avoidants, instead of forcing us playing games, making us feeling anxious, feeling alone with you - almost everyone has childhood traumas which we can’t use an excuse being an adult - please go and see a therapist if you can’t deal with your problems on your own. ❤
This video was absolutely beautiful and I've been in a stage of my growth where I'm shifting away from "What does this mean about how they feel about me?" to "What does this mean about me and how I relate to myself and the world around me?" I have been on this journey for many years now and through several relationships, two of which I was really fixated and profoundly attached. This time around I'm armed with knowing what to do, but having to put it into practice for the first time since acquiring that knowledge. I honestly think my current difficulties with how much I'm missing this person is a sort of last hurrah, but also maybe a kind of last desperate attempt for my old strategies that might signal a kind of death/rebirth. Anyway, I'm not crying, you're crying.
I LOVE this, Chris! You’re so clever. I watch your channel all the time and you’re so right and you explain everything so well. The charts and pictures help too ! Thank youuu
So I did that! I blocked them and healed and moved on…… then they came begging for me back. I said we could date slowly because I was nervous….. and as soon as I got attached to them again guess what?…… they pulled away again. I’m done for real this time. I can’t do this again
Wonderful video, A month ago, I ended a five-year relationship. I'm irritated because I can't see my life with anyone else. The love of my life chose to leave me, and I loved him so much that I can't stop thinking about him. I've done everything I can to get him back. Though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him, I can't help it. I'm not sure why I'm writing this, but I miss him a lot and can't stop thinking about him.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
I am an newfound avoidant here(30M). I never realized how much pain and suffering ive caused in my past relationships because of my childhood trauma. Through therapy and alot of self reflecting im beginning to fix that inner child of mine. WE ACTUALLY HAVE SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE. If an avoidant knows they are an avoidant and does nothing about it then we have an even bigger problem. SOME OF US DONT EVEN KNOW. It is not our fault.
Yes cheers for this, we don't want to smother we just want communication. Can you infiltrate other chat sections to direct some avoidants to info that makes them self aware. Best wishes on your journey ✨️ ❤️
Im so glad i discover all of this attachment theory stuff, it should be mandatory everywhere If you dont is like being in a landmine, and traps, full of monsters out there, knowing what is probably going to happen lets you see the whole game and figure out what do you want to do with it, unfortunately for some is already too late, the damage has been done
We learn and grow stronger from everything we go through in life; if we thought this life was damage free we were living an illusion. Don't underestimate the human capacity to heal and love again.
@@ashton1952 but the healing some times is a really long and hard process for some people requiring a good therapist for years, and not many hace that privilege, get better yeah healing is possible for almost everyone but not probable, that's the difference
The lamp behind you is sending mixed signals 😂 Great video Chris. To me the most important lesson is the realization of why i was so attracted to my DA person in the first place. It's because they were there to help me reconnect with parts of myself i thought i had no access to, that i was discarding. We can focus on our personal life and thrive, that's what i'm doing, and at the same time it's letting go of the black or white thinking, you can move on without feeling the need or the urge to criticize them, or discard them. If you really do the work to become secure, you feel mostly love. No more obsession nor the need to tear someone down. You see in what way you have a responsibility in all of this, and it's empowering.
@Nomad.Hawk_87 I would prefer to walk away with love in my heart and the hope they find they healing they need. I know that as a younger adult, I was avoidant due to earlier childhood trauma. At 17, I fell hard for someone but I couldn't break down the fear barriers that had been enforced by earlier relationships (I essentially started dating in primary and as a Tom Boy, my friends were boys, but actually turned out to be deeper relationships). Anyway, it took watching this man, pack up his car and drive out of my life for me to wake up. I literally saw him drive away but couldn't even get myself to say goodbye and in good terms, for fear. As my life crumbled about me, I made a vow to never allow that to happen again. I guess I was lucky, I was only 17, in fact I could have just been 16 turning 17. Then by 18, I was in the military and doing a similar dance with my weapons training instructor. Only this time, it was him that was the avoidants. So I have been burnt on both sides of these relationships or attachment styles because some are just intense emotional dances, rather than actual relationships. As an INFJ, I have had more than my fair share of them. Seriously, even my x husband is a covert narc, he never loved me, just what he could get from me, money and status. No idea or concept of what healthy love is, and I suppose to a certain extent, I was t fully healed to have ended up in that position.
@@angelm6497 Maybe symbolism is the wrong word, but if the lamp were an avoidant, its flickering for being on or off in the relationship... like hot or cold. I'm currently in a relationship with an avoidant and he is pulling away.... I'm giving space with out argument, hoping to gain trust, and so I consider this to be off right now. Last weekend was great, this weekend he avoided me. It's a 3 month cycle for him, so I think he will be back on soon. Again, I dont know its probably just a silly observation. I am anxious, but trying to be more secure. I like to call it- "Secure with my insecurities". Trying to understand all this is difficult, but I am also looking to improve myself. These videos have helped me realize its not me, but also that I'm not the only one going through this.
@@kristinebates2957 thanks for sharing, I appreciate it and understand the symbolism. I also appreciate how difficult it must be for you. There's a guy who runs courses for people in your position, he calls himself the attachment specialist. I will see if I can search and find his name, then you can search yourself for his resources. His name is Adam Lane Smith. I haven't viewed his resources, I am just looking at this out of interest and the fact I am an INFJ.
I had finally gotten beyond wanting to get back with my avoidant ex. She’s frequently made it clear that we would never get back together and after reading Attached, I was completely ready to let go. I contacted her saying I would like to pick up my things and her response was shock saying that I was closing the door on us! On the day I was waiting for her to give me a time and date to get my things, she called saying her younger son had broken his back in a dirt bike accident. I’d been there for them spending sleepless nights at the hospital but never being allowed to see him. Even in being there every day she would continuously say how grateful she was but inevitably pushed me away yet again.
@@no.5810cause he doesn’t care. You just hurt his fake persona not his real self. You know what I mean? He wasn’t honest with you. Move on. You deserve someone who is real
@Chrissy.H Wow! now *that's* avoident! Saying that, I'm not sure mine did as his ticks weren't set to turn blue, though he did always reply immediately.
None of these games matter. Either the avoidant is seriously doing therapy AND working their ass off every day to control their triggers and dysregulation and avoidance or it will be a disaster. If you go to them they get scared and overwhelmed and run away. If you give them space, they come to you, get scared and overwhelmed and run away. If you're unfortunate the unhealed one comes back; rinse and repeat.
The worst part is they really do want to be with you. They just can't express it. It is impossible to be with someone who can't fully be with you. The saddest ever
This is SO GOOD!!! Very helpful Chris. Please don’t ever stop what you’re doing! I love the stories you tell, it really clicks & brings everything to perspective. Well done. This inspires me all the more to reclaim My Power! I’ve just cut ties last night so this empowers me to know I did the right thing. Thank you for the clarity! Your work is helping thousands of people that need to find their truth. This resonates highly. Thank you for shedding light on the truth!
I did ALL of those 'steps' whilst in a relationship with an avoidant for 6 yrs,,,, they don't work; nothing works! I was truly independent when we were first back together after a 27yr gap. During the 6 yrs I have been with him, my confidence has been eroded. I'm not watching this because he is my ex; I'm watching this because I want to try to understand him. Being in partnership with an avoidant is NOT for the faint-hearted; for a start they will NOT be there for you when you fall upon difficult times........
The best is just to work on becoming secure attached, and if someone is pulling you out of that recognize it and use honest communication and set your boundaries. Either they fix themselves (you butt yourself out of their job!) or they move on and problem solved. And just as much as an avoidant can pull someone secure into being anxious, an extreme anxious can push someone into avoidance. The aim is to become, or stay, secure. Easier said than done unfortunately, but possible with self love, and giving love from that place.
I did EVERYTHING you suggested in this video, and my avoidant ex never fought for me, never fought for our relationship. He just wanted to "Be Friends". I've decided that I can no longer be friends with my ex boyfriend. It's too painful.
Oofda, i knew this was going to be very helpful.... hard to hear but helpful. I appreciate your perspective and the way you deliver it - i keep noticing in your videos, you have compassion/understanding for both sides. Im often told - just move on from your avoidant, You deserve "better." That's not helpful for me because I know this dynamic is not fun for him either ~ and he didn't choose his attachment style. Of course i do believe we need to take responsibility for how our actions affect those we love... but that (growth) is easier said than done. Which is why we are all here isn't it~~~
I. In love with my avoidant. It's super hard. Idk how to kill these feelings. Sometimes I think he cares about me then out of touch for days. It's horrible.
Boundaries are key, love is helping them help themselves; vs. fear, which is the opposite of love, (the fear of losing them, clinging, anxious energy) which means inadvertently enabling their attachment challenges
I just learned that avoidants respond more to toxic behavior instead of taking a healthy approach. I noticed my healthy approaches were not recognized by the avoidant but as soon as I did something that I felt was horrible… he liked it… I also noticed whatever triggers me is the avoidants comfort zone!!!! Like my curly hair i hate it and it triggers my insecurities….but to an avoidant its the best thing ever… I dont get it but its how it goes.
I feel as if the 'joking' formula is actually a primer on how to extract yourself from such a relationship. If they never wanna spend one on one time with you, and never want to talk about anything deeper than the weather and the latest sports headlines, you cannot have time to talk about your needs, thoughts, and where this is going. Which is perfect for the avoidant, regardless of which flavor of avoidant they are. Behaving this way, they're able to keep you safely at arm's length, without the risk-- whatever that person may view as 'risk'. Therefore, their "arm's length" behavior in the 'relationship' is your clear sign that this isn't, and never will, go anywhere-- at least not anywhere YOU are looking for. And it isn't you-- they are playing at love. They are doing what they feel keeps them safe, while pretending they have a loving relationship in their lonely life. Just take back your energy, give to yourself, love yourself, and kindly, without drama, withdraw from the pseudo-relationship at the pace that keeps you calm and sane in the process. Detach from them in your mind initially, and your physical and practical withdrawal from them will go well for both of you. After all, when they don't WANT to take the time to be with you and discuss things like an adult, you certainly can't talk to them about what you're feeling and why you're done. Just be done.
Yeah, 4 years i have never needed anything from her. I got cancer and needed her to be with me, guess who freaked out and ended the relationship and got ENGAGED to someone else 5 days later. It's hopeless with them, seriously.
Man, you're so on point and I can absolutely confirm! Nevertheless there a still things that I've not yet realized and it helps a lot to understand the dynamics in a avoident/anxious-relationship! Thank you so much for your inspiring videos! 😊❤
I used to see somebody across the year eventually we decided to go to Mexico for a beautiful vacation after that things start turning south. The moment avoidant relies you’re expecting something and having emotions towards or anticipation. They won’t even give it a chance and the slow fading will start and ghosting 😅
What I don’t like is the negative comments about us.. I’m a fearful avoidant. I’m very capable of loving someone and letting someone love me. This is not a conscious process to seem cold and unloving. It’s just what we had to do to survive our environment.
I wish this video came out back in 2013. I had struggled for years on my avoidant, and just could NOT severe the attachment. I'm in a really good place in my life now, and will take him back under "conditions".
My twin flame is an avoidant. I knew I needed to let him go even though I’m not a clingy type of woman, the universe won’t let me forget him, I see his name in everything, I see him everywhere. But I realized we both have childhood traumas that cause a lot of our issues. I learned a lot about myself from him. I’m thankful for it. Now I’m strong enough to choose me over him. These videos helped me understand I was right about him being an avoidant. Thank you!
I've heard the hallmark of a traumatized childhood is when we try to get a difficult person to be nice to us. That sounds so sad doesn't it ? But there it is. Had to think back on both of my parents. I tried and I tried believing one day I would finally get through. [isn't this what church teaches us ? our kindness & love ultimately will prevail. facts: with some people, it does not] How can anyone be so stupid, damaged they actively reject consistent kindness ? Finally cut my mother loose ['door slam' or the official emotional end to all hope for any shred of normalcy, decency from her] the last time I felt her energy kick me in the gut. Literally. We'd had a break through a few hours before where she [for the first time in my life] sounded so sweet and behaved cooperatively with me. Like a real mom. Guess she just couldn't sustain it. She was the same rejecting vampire until the end. Whenever I'd look at her, I felt the blood drain from my body. Her death was a relief. He was really no different. When in hospital on the way out, I had to ask him: Are you proud of me ? Seriously, I had to ASK this of him. Do you think he answered me ? Hell no. He began to praise my brother - the alcoholic drop out. This was the child he used to call stupid every night at the dinner table. All the little guy had done was sit there trying to eat his food. And then the old man began to cry over England. England ! We aren't English. F them both. And F any man who treats me like I'm disposable. I am SO DONE WITH THIS !!!
My partner does all of this but as soon as I say I'm leaving for good, he will chase me and want to be together. With his ex, they had a secret relationship because he doesn't want his family to annoy him about getting married and they were colleagues in a company her parents own. He blocked her for a year. Then presumed they'd get back together at the Christmas party but she'd moved on. He also had started seeing others. Then messaged her saying he realised if he didn't do that things could be different and he'd always regret it. Now he's repeating the same errors with me.
My advice is to not get involved with an avoidant at all cost because they will literally drain your energy. They are damaged, who in turn will damage you if you stick around thinking your love can heal them. Your love will NEVER be enough because they will demand more love than you can possibly give another human being when they can not return that kind of love. You give it your all, they give nothing. I'm out!!
I'm not even sure that I want her back. However, I'm open to it. I just want a deeper understanding of an avoidant and how to love them in their own love language. I feel like I used to be an avoidant in my 20's and have healed from that without even knowing. This is valuable information.
So the avoidant slowly breaks you down from not givning you attention, being cold, refusing to communicate etc. And then you are supposed to build yourself up and structure your live only after yourself even though you actually want a relationship? Just to get the person back that will distance themself as soon as your start asking for your actual needs. Don’t get me wrong - if you’re anxious you most likely would benefit from building a stronger sense of self while in a relationship and to follow your own happiness, that is independent of your partner more. Without the avoidant showing up and being ready to work on their attachment style I don’t think it’s a good idea to take these people back. And if you try through ”not trying” there is a risk that it will be hard for you to actually move on because you’re still hoping for them to come back and fully love you. You can instead work on your own issues for a healthier partner. The avoidant only showed you some of your weaknesses. But if the person is severely avoidant and don’t wanna change their behavior or work together with you, I would drop them, try to heal and look for healthier partners in the future. Changes are that once you heal, you won’t be interested in being with someone who is that afraid of emotions, commitment etc. If only you work on yourself, it doesn’t matter how much work you do on yourself, the relationship won’t be good for you 💕.
Hey so I have dated an avoidant for 5years without knowing he is an avoidant. I was so confused.But now watching this videos are helping me to connect the dot. Everything is making sense.
If you get them back and rehabbed then good . I dumped mine 6 weeks ago after 4 years . I'm in the process burning everything I have emotionally known to the ground so I can rebuild and be whole again.
This happened to me too, though I didn’t realize he was an Avoidant until after we ended things. To be fair, he was the first Avoidant I’d ever dated. During the two months we talked, he asked me out around 10 times but bailed at the last minute on 8 of those occasions. Every time we tried to discuss anything deeper than surface-level topics-even slightly-he’d pull back for days without explanation. When he did return, it was always with a lame excuse like, "I was busy with work." The constant back-and-forth was so exhausting. One moment, he’d be warm, texting a lot, and talking about wanting to meet up. Then suddenly, he’d go cold and cancel with excuses like being too busy with work, bad weather, or being too tired-always something. It was this constant rollercoaster of hot and cold. He’d say things like, “You’re my dream girl, and if things go well, I want to marry you someday,” only to cancel our date the very next day. It was such a draining experience. Eventually, I told him I wanted something real-something with both emotional and physical intimacy. I think that scared him off, and honestly, I’m glad it did. I didn’t want to hear from him again. After that, I focused on myself and moved forward with my life, leaving all that uncertainty behind.
Avoidant here. This is wrong on so many levels. You've overstated every point. Avoidants crumble, too and still get abused by anxious types. Utterly destroyed. My anxious partner wouldn't even allow me to have one day without being in communication for three years. He blew up my phone the first family vacation i had in a decade when I just asked to have one day to myself. He acted like that was grounds to break up and i needed to accept his constant need for communication. It was so toxic. At least I try to avoid relationships instead of foisting my problems on others. I found my anxiously attached partner to be very selfish and never cared about my needs, just his need for closeness. He would text me at 2 AM when my shift started at 5 AM. Avoidants are made and we're tired of being mischaracterized
This is very true. I experienced the same thing. Once I focused on my self-improvement, she returned, but I had no more interest in her. Infact, being near her or having the thought of seeing her again (she works for me) made me so tense that I wish I didn't have to see her again. So ironic.
any avoidant video applies to the FA as well. This is because the avoidant side ends up "winning". Thats why they're called fearful avoidant. FAs tend to behave anxiously in the beginning honeymoon phase.
After 7 years she just ended. I am struggling for 6 months now. That is evil . We meet and i told her that i am bothered and that i hope she understands that i can see her new (ex) friends on fb because i got a option to be friend with him because they are friends, she smiled and said " he is the last person you should worry about and yes i want him to see me how i look now " . I hope i will get out of this and even if i wasn't before i am anxiously attached now .
Expected me to watch all the videos & monitor my comms with them but wouldn't even try to do the same in the interests of the connection when I asked for more gentle well balanced comms. All about them. Had been all along ultimately.
What I noticed is most of the time the avoidant is the one contacting me, and when I do it he doesnt seem to value me. I'm confused but that's what they do, confuse other people! The thing I need to mention is I'm a fearful avoidant, so I am an avoidant as well but he is a DA. I'd like to know more about this dynamic!
Fearful avoidants crave love and affection but are afraid of it, it triggers inner childhood traumas. Dismissive avoidants will use you for sex or to get things and then will leave if you act needy, pushy or get too close,, they have no feelings and don't need them either, just cold ice.
@@mbeau4166 same, my avoidant girl is fearful avoidant too, I had to go no contact on her, I am anxious and I was tired of her recent cold behaviour, I know she just needs space to process her feelings. In your case, how often do you feel like starting a relationship within a year? if you don't mind me asking
Are avoidants the ones who will be intimate with you, however they rarely kiss you outside of intimacy, will not cuddle or lay together, and will remove themselves entirely from the room shortly after any intimacy? Quiet afterwards too, yet not sleeping. My first love was like that. The only time he was all over me was if another guy was near us, and he felt the guy could be attracted or interested in me. I know this because he told me this years after we broke up. That is when I realized how broken he really is.
From my exp., the min. you stop chasing, you never see them again, few come back around with half hearted curiosity trying triggering you to chase them, for the power trip, not for love ..... Its the karpman drama triangle, they want to grab your attention like a "lonely person rescuer" that out- rescues the lonely person looking to rescue people, like a power play, ... then you persecute them for not doing enough and they persecute you by ditching you as a power play, .... then you can play lonely victim and they play stalked victim, ...then... repeat... you get back on your feet to be a lonely person rescueing people and... they swoop in as rescuer to out-rescue you, ...then making any effort for you gets old and you persecute them for slacking off and they out persecute you by ditching you, and.... you become the neglect victim and they have to beat you at "out-victiming" you, being the biggest victim of your "stalking, clinging, neediness", ... repeat ...repeat... repeat... Its a power trip, not love, They ego trip when you chase them, its a power play, they loose power when they are forced to lift a finger for you, they are the victim of not being allowed to power trip and ditch you to power trip as the bigger victim of your demands and persecution, repeat, repeat, .... just get far away from this toxic gaslighting and moving the goal post!!!!
If you catch yourself BEGGING someone for..... human decency? a response? time together? clarity? respect? some compassion? some kindness?
You need to take a step back and realize that you're begging someone for the bare minimum. That's ridiculous and beneath you. F…. that.
!!!!
Amen!
Yes brother of course you are right. But for example I've got an anxious attachment style so for me it's easier to say than to do..
@@ArlinIrisBlueI would suggest to work on healing your own anxious attachment style. This has been so helpful for me.
Same here @@ArlinIrisBlue
So, to win back an avoidant, you have to become someone who doesn't want to or needs to win the avoidant back. Well done, avoidants. You only want people who would rather have nothing to do with you in the first place.
@@HBon111 im an avoidant, and I’ll tell you - stop wasting your time. We dont want you to prove something there, fight for us. Because we were not honest during the relationship We were who we wanted to be but it wasn't us
@@Sunshine-zk1st then why bother to be in a relationship first place
@@Samantha-hj9bl It's not that we forcefully want to load ourselves into a relationship. We try to avoid them.
Yep, sick perspective and sick expectations
This strategy would never work for me because once I don’t want the avoidant, it really means that I don’t want them.
Technically it IS working, it's working for YOU at least....
I'm the same I'm on third month of no contact. He reached out when he sees me on Friday night out. He comes to say hi& bye but i end up feeling sorry for having to live this way when he rejected my proposal to being a couple... He texted me on my birthday too.
But all this did not make me want him back.. It's making me not wanting him back not wanting to go stay him or to know what happens next. When i turn the page, there's no cooking back
❤ Exactly
So, problem solved then!?
The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in life is to stop chasing the person I love. Although ultimately liberating, it’s equally devastating accepting the hard truth about this dynamic. Know your worth and stop begging someone to finally see you, they never will.
Learning this the hard way unfortunately
Spot on, because it's less about ego and more about love, and we can only love someone else to the extent we love ourselves.
Almost there. I’m in therapy for addiction….to a person
I'm going through it now. Why does she have a hold on me but can easily shut me out. I feel so stupid
Agree, hard lesson indeed. If you're not taught this the world will make sure you get a dose of reality. I'm better for it. I found selflove and acceptanced.
As a person that an avoidant not only came back to, but also committed to a relationship, this is true BUT, they do the same thing once you get them back. You spend the entire relationship disappointed because they keep failing to step up even when you’re independent and living a great life. As soon as you act like a normal secure person in a relationship, they pull back. And then you have to leave again. Only it has to be for good.
I had that cycle for four solid years. Genuinely lost count of how often he flounced off then reappeared.
I had that experience as well. He came back and I ended up breaking up with him after living together for 2 years. He has tried to get me back for over a year and I love him but I don't see enough change and I can't live like that again.
70 reunions in 7 years. 71 discards. The latest cycle is just as painful as the first.
@jurgenwehner3607 why on earth are you doing that to yourself?! That's absolutely horrendous and heartbreaking!
You deserve WAY better.
THIS!!! Waste of your time! I was told the guy was falling for me then why didn’t he call or profess his love! Come one! It’s like dealing with babies!! I raised two children! Too many adults that can’t communicate what their feeling or needs are!
I was dating a guy for one month. Suddenly he pulled back. I instantly said “I dont think we are a match”. I need a guy who makes me feel great - not a hot/cold man. Im so glad that I took care of my own weelbeing
then what happen with that guy? what his response?
They are sick! Just move on and forget them. You can and you will 👍❤️
LOL imagine wanting long term or marriage with someone who needs emotional unavailability in order to “maintain.” No thanks.
Grow up, or stay away from healthy people.
I left my avoidant a month ago, literally that’s one of the things I told her“ so what I’m just supposed to sit here and just maintain?”
It’s just toxic! Everything has a label on it now but this is fkd up! Call it avoidant or emotional unavailability tho to “maintain” lol
You know if you all bothered to listen properly you'd realise avoidants are by and large the children of addicts and other forms of abuse. Yeah they need to own their s### but really are you just going to ignore and brush away their childhood trauma? Because YOU grew up in a stable home and can't understand how these people are becoming of the product of their environment....which they didn't ask for.
@@libertasdemocratiam887 you’re absolutely right and I really do have empathy for my ex. It’s a really sad and unfortunate . I absolutely wish the best for her and life is not fair. And her credit she was trying to heal through spiritualism and for myself I think I should’ve been more patient and understanding, but I was really patient though and all I could do is let her know I’m here for you, and that I miss her even under the same roof.
@@libertasdemocratiam887 I grew up in one of the most unstable homes you can imagine and went on a incredible deep healing journey to go from victimization to ownership. Yes.. there is defiantly compassion for every human that goes trough these experiences as they can be terrifying and horryfing.. I know these things go deep.. but at some point it is time to take you're bravery and go trough it instead of expecting the whole world to adjust to you're behavior. Avoidance don't need a partner.. they need courage.
You just have to be more avoidant than the avoidant
😂
Well said 👍😂
I was looking for this comment lol 😂
EPIC!!! Mic drop! 😂 life is too short and 29 years of they and ruined my own life!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Nobody is worth going through all that blah, blah and game playing. Respect yourself and move on and find someone who respects you and is available.
They are extremely emotionally delayed. There is no catching them up. They get frustrated because they can’t understand you, so try to control you around the day to day areas they do have a grasp on using anger, silent treatment etc. They underestimate your intellect and misinterpret your motivation. It’s like living with an angry toddler who cannot communicate clearly and throws a tantrum when they perceive you haven’t met their needs.
@universaltruth2025. I suppose like anything,there is a scale from minimal, moderate and severe.
What your describing seems like vulnerable narcissist traits, rather than just solely avoidance. I guess a true avoidant fears commitment to an extent they won't make demands, or want demands placed on them, they will deflect blame onto you for the break up, but vulnerable or covert narcs and far more dangerous. Seriously, they will make you ill and even kill you, because they want what you have, not who you are.
Narcs!
@Portia620 actually avoidants and narcs are quite different, a. Narc wants control and deliberately goes out of their way to hurt you, avoidants don't, its a by product of fear. Quite a significant difference.
@@angelm6497 Thank you for clarifying. Narcs are psychopathic and avoidants are in survival mode. after listening to Sam Vaknin it's pretty clear Narcs are extremely dangerous.
This is so accurate!
My ex DA made me so anxious I finally let go. One week later, I met a fantastic person and we've been dating since and without wny ambiguity. Love the certainty.
Healthy and who wants to ruin our short lives chasing anything!!!
Congrats! You Indicated “Ambiguity” - which is a key factor in my situation.
This is my favorite video on Dismissive Avoidants and getting them back. If you are a Secure, there should be no need to play into the games of a DA. Do yourself a favor, fix whatever is going on inside yourself that caused you to "attract" the Avoidant in the first place.
We were BFFs for years. I had no clue he was a fearful avoidant. He was married has kids. Didn’t find out until we developed feelings. I don’t want to lose my friend. I still live him. This is a bit difficult.
@@lisaraper8053 You need to learn to love yourself. Read the book “attached.” It’s referenced in almost all of his videos. Good luck💙
But the reason they're attracted to secure people is because they're emotionally available which they shouldn't change. They just want the connection in small doses which secure people are not into
@@kittykatsanchez yes, let’s not criticize people who can love and be present to others. Not everyone who connects with these people are anxious preoccupied.
Fix 🎯
Match energys, if your super empathic this is very hard to do, i know it is, but please trust me as someone who almost had their ex DA take my life. Dont ignore your intuition, dont excuse bs because you see the sad broken child underneith the behaviours. Just match energy.
Dont cry for those who wouldn't cry for you.
Yes it will make you feel selfish, as if your causing harm, but something I've had to learn is that a certain level of selfishness is selfless, and self loving. do not fall on their sword just to save them from stabbing themselves, they always could have put the sword down and choose not to. All you can hope for is that your temporary light in their life might be a catalyst for change and leave it at that, wish them well, and go your own way, stay longer and you will be a shell of yourself, dead, or end up like them.
You are made for for greater things than to be someones emotional punching bag.
Thank you 🌹I needed this.
Yes!! Weak men and women can’t grow!!!❤❤. Dont poison yourself and vet people well before sleeping with them!!!! I learned my lesson the hard way!!! Dont deal with this bs! Call it out and if they do t self correct then leave!
@@emilijamandic1191I wasted 29 years.
An avoidant is an unhealed child/teenager. If you are smart, RUN 🏃♀️ and never look back. They are a waste of time. They have no relationship experience and don’t have a clue on how to love you in a healthy way. Best thing you can do is learn to recognize these people and never GET with them romantically.
AMEN!!!!!
My 67yo DA is at the emotional state of a thirteen year old - self declared. While she is a successful couples therapist!!
@@jurgenwehner360767 years old? That’s crazy! At that big age, and no personal growth? she should be ashamed of herself.
@ They don’t work on themselves.
this is a horrible thing to say coming from a anxious attached person. DA's and FA's get so much flack for their avoidance but anxious people be doing to much and its so much of a turn off. bsffr.
They're super good at being avoidant. They reach out every couple months, they say they care, they say they're busy, but they want to spend time together. Mixed signals... 😵💫
The time they want to spend together is just for se*.
Give them mixed signals back until they leave you alone and/or ignore when they come back.
This is such a catch 22, the only time the avoidant want you is when you don't want them.
I watch your videos to learn more about these creatures so I can identify them faster so I can show them the door before they cause damage.
😂 🎉 this comment has me in stitches, be careful what you wish for lol we get what we're looking for
😂😂😂 I am very much in love with this comment
Just cut ties with avoidants.
That's it! That's all!
Why would anyone in their right mind actually want these people back. Mine was a nightmare from hell. This game playing. You essentially have to lose all your authenticity to get these people back so they can just bolt again later. Most of these people are just narcissistic. Most of the traits are identical. I watched a video on here last night where he talks about the concept of a magician’s cloak. That is nothing but a mask. Trying to get these people back, if you are insecurely attached, is pretty much a guarantee that you will never heal your own attachment style and you will become even less secure and more anxious. Mine had absolutely crazy making behavior that made my nerves bad. When I finally left, it was the first time my body felt calm and peaceful in 12 years.
Amen to everything you just wrote. Its impossible to be with them without feeling like youre playing a game
@@gracetomaszczyk2145 Both of you are absolutely 100% CORRECT!!! NEVER AGAIN FOR ME!!!!
The common theme with zombies, werewolves and vampires is that contact with them turns you into them.
😂😂😂 sorry to laugh, it's just so wild dealing with a DA that I can't believe it's a real thing at this point, it's like being abducted by aliens
Sometimes I wonder.. is he a narcisist or an avoidant?.. anyway its a mixture of both and its a hell difficult to cope with..
sorry but someone with a avoidant style sounds to me like a long term draining progress where in the end you always suffer... better leave
More like a long term pain in the ass.
Yep!
I threw away a DECADE of my life hoping, thinking, wishing that “time” would make him realize “our love”… BS! Ten years later, I am alone, heartbroken and in therapy! They drain your desire to live!
I mean they suffer too. My female friend is like this. Closest we got was her saying I might have feelings for you, we can try and date, but I'm afraid I will get weird and destroy the relationship. So I said no. Like I know she's into me, but she's also terrified.
@@johnlicht6532 i never said they dont, but in the end everyone has his own demons, and if i communicate mine, i at least show will to change even if dont know how my partner knows i struggel with that. But avoidants silence is like a kryptonite for every relationship just shut down and be quiet? Where in all human history did that solve anything? Poor avoidants honestly i know they dont know better. But still no reason for me to get mentally fucked all the time...
Yep! Happens to me and another person I know now!!!
After dating 3 avoidants in a row, I realize no matter how well you perform, in the end the relationship still heavily depends on them reacting differently to their triggers or doom to repeat the cycle, you can only love them and help them be aware and understand their actions to break the cycle but its still up to them.
I had 4 of them ... same pattern. When I wanted to get more close to them physically they rejected me even dating with me several times. All were very nice looking women but all damaged from previous toxic partners.
@@matjazb.157, women are not toxic just because you're not their type PHYSICALLY. Get that in your head before you start pointing fingers at everyone else but yourself .
@alex if you feel like you have to perform and do all the work, you're doing it wrong dear. Keep it at the 50/50 ... makes them step up or move on. Don't blame yourself, know yourself. It's not easy, I've been dumped 6 times consecutively and most of that by the same two people. Boundaries are key
@@ashton1952 Thankyou for your reply, bless you.
The whole song and dance is about energy. It's all a response to energy. To change the energy you have to change your beliefs. You have feel differently about them and to do that you have to feel more loyal and respectful to yourself. Watch how things, including their energy towards you, begin to rearrange themselves around you to reflect that inner change. Energy is the only thing being generated, felt, responded to and you can't fake it. Energy is ruthless. But it is powerful. You are the one in control of the way you feel at all times. And when you gather up whatever mental discipline you can and put it to work for you by deliberately changing your focus, multiple times a day, not only will it swiftly get easier, but you will instantly start to feel the rewards and you will love giving all that attention to yourself. If and when they do come back, having felt the absence of your energy that you've been unknowingly feeding them, well... By that time, it probably won't even matter. And that's how you know you've taken back your power, and that's when you've discovered what you're worth, and that's when you can expect you've gained the tools needed to enjoy a relationship where the compromises don't include the love access respect you have for yourself. And it won't make you ride the train out of confidence station.
It's all energy. You can chase without ever talking to them. You can feel them distancing without even being rude. You already know this too. It's physics. No amount of information will ever replace you doing the work. And if you're still reading... yeah even if you're not, you've absolutely got this.
When you do anything differentl, you change everything ;)
Peace
1💛💛%
Yea some people can not be replaceable!!!
Well said! I completely agree. Me, my needs, my health, my peace comes first. Then if I stay in the relationship it has zero power over me, it's simply my choice to do so. Also my choice to bail if necessary TO maintain my peace. No games, just inner zen.
Agreed. I changed my energy. I’m still nice and kind but I only use him for his money. He don’t care about my feelings and I don’t care about his.
@@sheenalynneso your in a transactional relationship. Sorry, but who is the avoidant?
If you have both reached that agreement then it's fine, I am not mocking it, in many ways it sets clear boundaries and is better than giving it for free and being used; until they decide to move on and you've become reliant on his money. Who's really in control and will you let him go if he decides he's found someone else he'd rather invest in?
I'm just saying, because I am not interested in anyone's money, but have been ripped apart by the dug in claws of the user facing the potential loss of their piggy bank.
There's a difference between stress relief and ultimate satisfaction, which gives stress relief that just can't be matched. Some men need both intellectual and physical stimulation. It's a myth that intelligent woman are unattractive and or smexy.
What are you going to do if and when he figures out he can have better, without paying for it financially, or potentially thinking that he's found a more cost effective alternative?
Im secure person dating an avoidant, but since we started dating I have become an anxious person. We communicate a lot and that has helped us unpack a lot of our traumas with so much grace for each other.
In my humble opinion, you think you were secure before, it’s because no one has ever challenged your insecurities before. The avoidant comes into our lives when we are ready to tap into those wounds and heal them. Once you heal, you won’t have to accept just the crumbs of love. I know this because this is exactly what happened to me. I too thought I was secure before. Good luck on your journey.
Cool. We gave grace to each other too. For years. It still created the same cycle. Check back in with all of us in a year or two or three when your avoidant keeps dipping out making you insecure. Good luck. And much love.
@@fahimshahriyar2494lol right? Push pull dynamic. In other words anxious and avoidant. Mirroring. All leads to eventual healing. Not a bad thing, just really painful.
@@KD-hy3biit's me 😂 one year of letting him go and still, one year leather we fell back into same old toxic patterns like fools. And we both already knew it. But that means we both still didn't learn this damn lesson..
@@ArlinIrisBlue, if you recognize the pattern and you understand the behavior, you can short circuit the cycle. You have to be able to work on it together, though. If they are just sitting in their comfort zone and refusing to move towards you, it's not going to work.
You hit the nail on the head. When I first met my husband I had done a lot of counseling and attended weekly Al-Anon meetings for five years before I met him I would have describe myself is pretty secure. Throughout our 27 years of marriage the hot and cold etc. played a part in me becomingSomeone that I did not want to become. I’m getting myself back slowly. What a difference a year makes of healing
On a same journey! You got it!
If your in AA, the you will find that your sat in a room with Avoidant's. The good thing about AA, is that the group support helps with all round life and healing you won't find in counselling. Yes counselling is certainly part of the healing journey, but in my experience, it only scratches the surface of what is more deep rooted trauma.
We all have scars, its finding acceptance and gratitude.
Sheesh
The longer I spend away from my avoidant and the more I learn about the entirety of that attachment style, the more I feel thankful for not feeding into a relationship like that. I am very thankful for content like this that reveals to me just how toxic a lifestyle it is to be in a relationship with an avoidant. Moving on for me, was started unintentionally as a manipulation tactic. I see that now. However, once I started I realized how much of myself I was gaining back with every instance of denying myself those moments where I desire to have them back. I started thinking about them less and less and regaining my own emotional real estate back in my mind. I started living life again, very slowly, realizing I now have trust issues and even more wounds to heal from.
Jumping back into another relationship seems so overwhelming and I am ok with that. I am ok with this journey I am on now and more importantly I am comfortable with the thought of being alone for awhile. Going backwards, now, feels disrespectful to myself and I feel like that in it of itself is a win for me.
Stay strong Kings and Queens...
So avoidants lose good mates or gain ones that don’t care that’s a sad existence 😢
Yup. Likes attracts like
Yeah is sad, but you can't save or change someone that doesn't want to be changed or saved no matter how many time or how you explain it to them, no matter if is the more experienced psychologist, if they don't want to change they won't change
So it's sad but you need to continue with your own life and hope for the best for them
@@javieraguirre9135 If it comes of as controlling we just get their back up against us. Even if we didn't mean it that way; but few people have the time or patience to find the ''right way'' to get through to an individual and it's probably not our job either.
Their own fault
I left an avoidant narcissistic man with alcohol addiction & cheating games. I didn’t care for almost 2 yrs & never heard from him again. Glad to be done with that silliness.
I dated an avoidant and it was the hardest relationship of my life. It appears to me that avoidant men want to date themselves, but in a super femine female body. It's impossible. A woman fully in her feminine cannot safely (mentally) and happily date an avoidant man. He does come off strong and self-confident, but deep down they are not. Thus, he does not want the responsiblity of keeping a feminine woman happy. However, I've noticed most avoidant men are primarily attracted to pretty feminine women.
It took me awhile, I'm not going to lie, but I eventually walked away. There is NO winning an avoidant man or woman back.
it's only temporary, if we sense that you still want us avoidants= fake personas we will back off. Thats why you guys better ghost us so we know whats it’s like to be ghosted so we can work on our behaviour and seek help
you are a self aware avoidant i pressume?
@@AmaraOhaji Yep, im working on it
So here we have a work in progress, that shows there is hope for some.
And as I have said, as a young adult, teen-ager, I view myself as being Avoidant. I now consider myself secure, but it's been a journey.
@@angelm6497 The key to change is to be 100% honest with people, getting rid of people pleasing tendencies and just being real , not trying to be perfect because that’s what’s causing hiding and avoiding later. Like why would we avoid someone who is accepting us for who we truly are?
@@Sunshine-zk1st your right, you are supposed to be loved for who you are, warts and all. However, trauma can make people under value themselves and that's why they project a false image.
To me authenticity is key, I can't do superficial, it drives me insane.
I am glad that you are working on yourself and I hope you find a good partner to get you over the finish line. They say therapy is part of the journey but they also say the only thing that can heal relationship damage is another more positive relationship. So absolutely, honesty or authenticity is pretty critical whilst on your healing journey.
I wish you well.
This is such a great video. I've lived this. Stopped caring for my severe avoidant, then he cared too much, thus triggering my slight avoidance lol. I'm so glad he's no longer in my life, but I couldn't get rid of him for over 2 years!!! Don't chase, but know they'll then become attached, so DON'T take them back either. You'll feel so good free, once they're gone. Choose peace!
It all comes down to the question, Who am I? How does this relationship make me feel? Is this who I want to be? Because that initial spark or chemistry is miles away from being really compatible. Spotting red flags ( and not liking who you are becoming as a result of this connection is a major one), inconsistencies, being able to address them and feeling your partner is consistently supporting who you are, having common goals and being a team basically. Anything less means they're not the right one for you. Be kinder to you!
Too much. I walked away, and let go finally.
Dating an avoidant is like having a cat. You need to figure everything out yourself.
Nope. I have 17 cats and couldn't deal with one avoidant.
😂 funny I was thinking the same. Mine had 3 cats and when he'd be over at mine, I always joked that he talks to my flatmates cat nicer than to me lol
Not really. Cats communicate their needs, and they do a better job of it than avoidants do.
Yep, it's like you're trying to catch a stray cat with a carry case.
A while after you give up, they will return to beg for food and a warm place, but as soon as they know they can rely on you, they'll be gone again.
😂😂 PERFECT COMPARISON!🤣
I had a life long friend that turned into more, but that's when he got weird on me and would ghost me, unfriended me on social media for 1-4 months then come back like nothing happened. My first time dealing with this beh and it was off putting. I know he has issues; who doesn't but come on?? Be a grown up or kick rocks. This last time, I said,Bleep it, to myself.. He reached out again with a picture of his dogs; sos, different episode.. I was vague to his texts and then he showed up to get his things I had bc I said I was moving. When he got there he said, "we're here" him and his dog; whom I love, but I'm over the drama,lack of accountability and respect. I texted him and said my car is unlocked your stuff is in the front seat,so go ahead and grab it.. TY and I saw him sitting there pouting for a few minutes before he got his stuff and left. He all of a sudden was texting me and replying right away and it was bc I didn't run outside to see him bc he decided he was coming out from under the rock . I'm done. He will always be a friend and I will care about him,but NO THANK YOU. WHO DOES THAT?? WE ALL HAVE SOME FORM OF TRAUMA. FFS
GROW UP OR DIE ALONE. SOUNDS HARSH BUT WE'RE 50 YEARS OLD. . I'M GOOD! 👍
Thanks Bro, the first 2 minutes made me realize, i need to get over for my own good. 😂
Being with an avoidant is SO confusing and counterproductive. 😮
They don't want you to have expectations of them but have at 5 core expectations of you, accordingl to this video.
I think I'm done. She isn't coming back anyways. Broke once no contact after month and a half and even tho we talked for 4 hrs I ain't doing it again. 2 months have already passed since then and I even ain't that bothered anymore. I want someone who can appriciate me, not the one leaving me stranded while I've been so good to them..
never talk to them again, they will never forget you. You have the one thing they never will, resilience and knowing your worth. I still get messages from my ex after 6 years of no contact, literally. Guess she hasn't found better.
@@TheTruth100_ I think she won't be reaching at all so she's actually making it easier for me. I'll hold my ground no matter what. Think you are right about not forgetting, since I carried myself with dignity and showed nothing but good intentions towards her. Also I finished local news portal that she goes to at times and that she helped me with a bit with design. It will sit there for a looong time. So, just another win in the books for me... 6 years and still reaching out? Damn that girl is holding some real regrets about her actions. Hope you have found the one who truly appriciates you ✌️
The best thing you can do is just leave. If by some miracle they come back and start to express they miss you.... dont fall for it. Choose yourself and tell them why you can't do it and if theyre not in a stonewall phase they might actually hear you and learn and heal. Otherwise youre just gonna catch crossfire from the fight with themselves again
Dear avoidants, instead of forcing us playing games, making us feeling anxious, feeling alone with you - almost everyone has childhood traumas which we can’t use an excuse being an adult - please go and see a therapist if you can’t deal with your problems on your own. ❤
This torments my mine listening to this I’ve experienced all of this. I just appreciate having the understanding now and what to call it
This video was absolutely beautiful and I've been in a stage of my growth where I'm shifting away from "What does this mean about how they feel about me?" to "What does this mean about me and how I relate to myself and the world around me?" I have been on this journey for many years now and through several relationships, two of which I was really fixated and profoundly attached. This time around I'm armed with knowing what to do, but having to put it into practice for the first time since acquiring that knowledge. I honestly think my current difficulties with how much I'm missing this person is a sort of last hurrah, but also maybe a kind of last desperate attempt for my old strategies that might signal a kind of death/rebirth.
Anyway, I'm not crying, you're crying.
I LOVE this, Chris! You’re so clever. I watch your channel all the time and you’re so right and you explain everything so well. The charts and pictures help too ! Thank youuu
Really appreciate this!!!!
So I did that! I blocked them and healed and moved on…… then they came begging for me back. I said we could date slowly because I was nervous….. and as soon as I got attached to them again guess what?…… they pulled away again. I’m done for real this time. I can’t do this again
I literally did the same thing tonight. Second block. No more.
Question, when you blocked them, how did they reach out to you?
Wonderful video, A month ago, I ended a five-year relationship. I'm irritated because I can't see my life with anyone else. The love of my life chose to leave me, and I loved him so much that I can't stop thinking about him. I've done everything I can to get him back. Though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him, I can't help it. I'm not sure why I'm writing this, but I miss him a lot and can't stop thinking about him.
hugs, hon
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
I am an newfound avoidant here(30M). I never realized how much pain and suffering ive caused in my past relationships because of my childhood trauma. Through therapy and alot of self reflecting im beginning to fix that inner child of mine. WE ACTUALLY HAVE SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE. If an avoidant knows they are an avoidant and does nothing about it then we have an even bigger problem. SOME OF US DONT EVEN KNOW. It is not our fault.
❤❤❤❤thank yoy for saying this
Yes cheers for this, we don't want to smother we just want communication. Can you infiltrate other chat sections to direct some avoidants to info that makes them self aware. Best wishes on your journey ✨️ ❤️
Great that you’ve actually worked on yourself.
Im so glad i discover all of this attachment theory stuff, it should be mandatory everywhere
If you dont is like being in a landmine, and traps, full of monsters out there, knowing what is probably going to happen lets you see the whole game and figure out what do you want to do with it, unfortunately for some is already too late, the damage has been done
We learn and grow stronger from everything we go through in life; if we thought this life was damage free we were living an illusion. Don't underestimate the human capacity to heal and love again.
@@ashton1952 but the healing some times is a really long and hard process for some people requiring a good therapist for years, and not many hace that privilege, get better yeah healing is possible for almost everyone but not probable, that's the difference
I wish the could teach this also at places of worship especially when it comes down to Marriage and Relationships
The lamp behind you is sending mixed signals 😂
Great video Chris. To me the most important lesson is the realization of why i was so attracted to my DA person in the first place. It's because they were there to help me reconnect with parts of myself i thought i had no access to, that i was discarding.
We can focus on our personal life and thrive, that's what i'm doing, and at the same time it's letting go of the black or white thinking, you can move on without feeling the need or the urge to criticize them, or discard them. If you really do the work to become secure, you feel mostly love. No more obsession nor the need to tear someone down. You see in what way you have a responsibility in all of this, and it's empowering.
@Nomad.Hawk_87 I would prefer to walk away with love in my heart and the hope they find they healing they need.
I know that as a younger adult, I was avoidant due to earlier childhood trauma. At 17, I fell hard for someone but I couldn't break down the fear barriers that had been enforced by earlier relationships (I essentially started dating in primary and as a Tom Boy, my friends were boys, but actually turned out to be deeper relationships). Anyway, it took watching this man, pack up his car and drive out of my life for me to wake up. I literally saw him drive away but couldn't even get myself to say goodbye and in good terms, for fear. As my life crumbled about me, I made a vow to never allow that to happen again.
I guess I was lucky, I was only 17, in fact I could have just been 16 turning 17. Then by 18, I was in the military and doing a similar dance with my weapons training instructor. Only this time, it was him that was the avoidants. So I have been burnt on both sides of these relationships or attachment styles because some are just intense emotional dances, rather than actual relationships. As an INFJ, I have had more than my fair share of them.
Seriously, even my x husband is a covert narc, he never loved me, just what he could get from me, money and status. No idea or concept of what healthy love is, and I suppose to a certain extent, I was t fully healed to have ended up in that position.
I was also drawn to what he was saying while the lamp was flickering. On or off... make a choice. The symbolism is fascinating.
@kristinebates2957 how do you interpret the symbolism?
@@angelm6497 Maybe symbolism is the wrong word, but if the lamp were an avoidant, its flickering for being on or off in the relationship... like hot or cold. I'm currently in a relationship with an avoidant and he is pulling away.... I'm giving space with out argument, hoping to gain trust, and so I consider this to be off right now. Last weekend was great, this weekend he avoided me. It's a 3 month cycle for him, so I think he will be back on soon. Again, I dont know its probably just a silly observation. I am anxious, but trying to be more secure. I like to call it- "Secure with my insecurities". Trying to understand all this is difficult, but I am also looking to improve myself. These videos have helped me realize its not me, but also that I'm not the only one going through this.
@@kristinebates2957 thanks for sharing, I appreciate it and understand the symbolism. I also appreciate how difficult it must be for you.
There's a guy who runs courses for people in your position, he calls himself the attachment specialist. I will see if I can search and find his name, then you can search yourself for his resources.
His name is Adam Lane Smith. I haven't viewed his resources, I am just looking at this out of interest and the fact I am an INFJ.
No fucking way am I going through that hell again. Next time will not be an Avoidant.
Amen.
I had finally gotten beyond wanting to get back with my avoidant ex. She’s frequently made it clear that we would never get back together and after reading Attached, I was completely ready to let go. I contacted her saying I would like to pick up my things and her response was shock saying that I was closing the door on us! On the day I was waiting for her to give me a time and date to get my things, she called saying her younger son had broken his back in a dirt bike accident. I’d been there for them spending sleepless nights at the hospital but never being allowed to see him. Even in being there every day she would continuously say how grateful she was but inevitably pushed me away yet again.
I was so strong I ended it with the DA. He didn't even reply.
@@no.5810cause he doesn’t care. You just hurt his fake persona not his real self. You know what I mean? He wasn’t honest with you. Move on. You deserve someone who is real
I have one better. I ended it via message and he didn’t even read it 😂🤡
@Chrissy.H Wow! now *that's* avoident!
Saying that, I'm not sure mine did as his ticks weren't set to turn blue, though he did always reply immediately.
None of these games matter.
Either the avoidant is seriously doing therapy AND working their ass off every day to control their triggers and dysregulation and avoidance or it will be a disaster.
If you go to them they get scared and overwhelmed and run away.
If you give them space, they come to you, get scared and overwhelmed and run away.
If you're unfortunate the unhealed one comes back; rinse and repeat.
Boy, you really nailed it!! That's it - they get scared...overwhelmed...THEN RUN!!! NEVER EVER AGAIN!!!
Avoidants don’t therapy. They need an exorcism.. 😂
It's Groundhog Day🎉
The worst part is they really do want to be with you. They just can't express it. It is impossible to be with someone who can't fully be with you. The saddest ever
I no longer want my avoidant around. Everything is better when he’s not there.
This is SO GOOD!!! Very helpful Chris. Please don’t ever stop what you’re doing! I love the stories you tell, it really clicks & brings everything to perspective. Well done. This inspires me all the more to reclaim
My Power! I’ve just cut ties last night so this empowers me to know I did the right thing. Thank you for the clarity! Your work is helping thousands of people that need to find their truth. This resonates highly. Thank you for shedding light on the truth!
In the end, you realize you don't need them to fight for you. You need you to fight for you.
I did ALL of those 'steps' whilst in a relationship with an avoidant for 6 yrs,,,, they don't work; nothing works!
I was truly independent when we were first back together after a 27yr gap.
During the 6 yrs I have been with him, my confidence has been eroded.
I'm not watching this because he is my ex; I'm watching this because I want to try to understand him.
Being in partnership with an avoidant is NOT for the faint-hearted; for a start they will NOT be there for you when you fall upon difficult times........
Look into narcissism as well
What more do you need to understand? A 27 year gap? You’re wasting your time.
@@sheenalynne That gap was because I was married to someone else!
@@TheCloggydoggygo find someone else, don’t let the avoidant break you mentally and emotionally
The best is just to work on becoming secure attached, and if someone is pulling you out of that recognize it and use honest communication and set your boundaries. Either they fix themselves (you butt yourself out of their job!) or they move on and problem solved.
And just as much as an avoidant can pull someone secure into being anxious, an extreme anxious can push someone into avoidance. The aim is to become, or stay, secure. Easier said than done unfortunately, but possible with self love, and giving love from that place.
I did EVERYTHING you suggested in this video, and my avoidant ex never fought for me, never fought for our relationship. He just wanted to "Be Friends". I've decided that I can no longer be friends with my ex boyfriend. It's too painful.
I'm going through this now. My avoidant ex suggested we remain friends. I don't think that is possible.
Oofda, i knew this was going to be very helpful.... hard to hear but helpful. I appreciate your perspective and the way you deliver it - i keep noticing in your videos, you have compassion/understanding for both sides. Im often told - just move on from your avoidant, You deserve "better." That's not helpful for me because I know this dynamic is not fun for him either ~ and he didn't choose his attachment style. Of course i do believe we need to take responsibility for how our actions affect those we love... but that (growth) is easier said than done. Which is why we are all here isn't it~~~
I. In love with my avoidant. It's super hard. Idk how to kill these feelings. Sometimes I think he cares about me then out of touch for days. It's horrible.
Boundaries are key, love is helping them help themselves; vs. fear, which is the opposite of love, (the fear of losing them, clinging, anxious energy) which means inadvertently enabling their attachment challenges
I just learned that avoidants respond more to toxic behavior instead of taking a healthy approach. I noticed my healthy approaches were not recognized by the avoidant but as soon as I did something that I felt was horrible… he liked it… I also noticed whatever triggers me is the avoidants comfort zone!!!! Like my curly hair i hate it and it triggers my insecurities….but to an avoidant its the best thing ever… I dont get it but its how it goes.
@xlC34x What sort if toxic behavior did you do? i might have to try this.
Why do they even bother getting into relationships?
They long for connection but then can't handle it. I think every time they hope that this time will be different, but it never is.
Because what you want and what you need are two different things. And that goes for the avoidant and the person trying to win them back.
@@divinacaotarotvery well said
The thing they want is also the thing that freaks them out.
To cure their mummy issues.
I feel as if the 'joking' formula is actually a primer on how to extract yourself from such a relationship.
If they never wanna spend one on one time with you, and never want to talk about anything deeper than the weather and the latest sports headlines, you cannot have time to talk about your needs, thoughts, and where this is going.
Which is perfect for the avoidant, regardless of which flavor of avoidant they are.
Behaving this way, they're able to keep you safely at arm's length, without the risk-- whatever that person may view as 'risk'.
Therefore, their "arm's length" behavior in the 'relationship' is your clear sign that this isn't, and never will, go anywhere-- at least not anywhere YOU are looking for.
And it isn't you-- they are playing at love. They are doing what they feel keeps them safe, while pretending they have a loving relationship in their lonely life.
Just take back your energy, give to yourself, love yourself, and kindly, without drama, withdraw from the pseudo-relationship at the pace that keeps you calm and sane in the process.
Detach from them in your mind initially, and your physical and practical withdrawal from them will go well for both of you.
After all, when they don't WANT to take the time to be with you and discuss things like an adult, you certainly can't talk to them about what you're feeling and why you're done.
Just be done.
Yeah, 4 years i have never needed anything from her. I got cancer and needed her to be with me, guess who freaked out and ended the relationship and got ENGAGED to someone else 5 days later. It's hopeless with them, seriously.
😮
Right..disability, illness, death..anything real they run
Sorry u experienced that pain on top of illness
Thank you 🙏 💙 I hope you are doing better than me. I am still fighting @@sinceresong9907
😮😢
Man, you're so on point and I can absolutely confirm! Nevertheless there a still things that I've not yet realized and it helps a lot to understand the dynamics in a avoident/anxious-relationship! Thank you so much for your inspiring videos! 😊❤
This is pointless. Why would anyone go to all this trouble for someone who wants everything their way without giving anything. Not worth it.
I used to see somebody across the year eventually we decided to go to Mexico for a beautiful vacation after that things start turning south.
The moment avoidant relies you’re expecting something and having emotions towards or anticipation. They won’t even give it a chance and the slow fading will start and ghosting 😅
To beat the avoidant I must avoid the avoidtant.
Will never understand how an attachment style, which at its core revolves around detachment, can be considered "just" an attachment style....
Youre right! They should be called detachers because they cant attach
What I don’t like is the negative comments about us.. I’m a fearful avoidant. I’m very capable of loving someone and letting someone love me. This is not a conscious process to seem cold and unloving. It’s just what we had to do to survive our environment.
I wish this video came out back in 2013. I had struggled for years on my avoidant, and just could NOT severe the attachment. I'm in a really good place in my life now, and will take him back under "conditions".
My twin flame is an avoidant. I knew I needed to let him go even though I’m not a clingy type of woman, the universe won’t let me forget him, I see his name in everything, I see him everywhere. But I realized we both have childhood traumas that cause a lot of our issues. I learned a lot about myself from him. I’m thankful for it. Now I’m strong enough to choose me over him. These videos helped me understand I was right about him being an avoidant. Thank you!
I've heard the hallmark of a traumatized childhood is when we try to get a difficult person
to be nice to us. That sounds so sad doesn't it ? But there it is.
Had to think back on both of my parents. I tried and I tried believing one day I would finally get through. [isn't this what church teaches us ? our kindness & love ultimately will prevail.
facts: with some people, it does not]
How can anyone be so stupid, damaged they actively reject consistent kindness ?
Finally cut my mother loose ['door slam' or the official emotional end to all hope for any shred of normalcy, decency from her] the last time I felt her energy kick me in the gut. Literally.
We'd had a break through a few hours before where she [for the first time in my life] sounded so sweet and behaved cooperatively with me. Like a real mom. Guess she just couldn't sustain it.
She was the same rejecting vampire until the end. Whenever I'd look at her, I felt the blood drain from my body. Her death was a relief.
He was really no different. When in hospital on the way out, I had to ask him:
Are you proud of me ?
Seriously, I had to ASK this of him. Do you think he answered me ? Hell no.
He began to praise my brother - the alcoholic drop out. This was the child he used to call stupid every night at the dinner table. All the little guy had done was sit there trying to eat his food.
And then the old man began to cry over England. England ! We aren't English.
F them both.
And F any man who treats me like I'm disposable. I am SO DONE WITH THIS !!!
Powerful and enlightening message
My partner does all of this but as soon as I say I'm leaving for good, he will chase me and want to be together. With his ex, they had a secret relationship because he doesn't want his family to annoy him about getting married and they were colleagues in a company her parents own. He blocked her for a year. Then presumed they'd get back together at the Christmas party but she'd moved on. He also had started seeing others. Then messaged her saying he realised if he didn't do that things could be different and he'd always regret it. Now he's repeating the same errors with me.
I love her. I'm not ready to give up yet. Thanks! Your videos have been helpful.❤
My advice is to not get involved with an avoidant at all cost because they will literally drain your energy. They are damaged, who in turn will damage you if you stick around thinking your love can heal them. Your love will NEVER be enough because they will demand more love than you can possibly give another human being when they can not return that kind of love. You give it your all, they give nothing. I'm out!!
At that point just leave them alone and move on instead. They were not worthy of your efforts towards him or her or the relationship.
Thanks for the examples!!! This helped me sooo much! Now I see why he stayed with me for 29 years as I was working hard in college!!!
I'm not even sure that I want her back. However, I'm open to it. I just want a deeper understanding of an avoidant and how to love them in their own love language. I feel like I used to be an avoidant in my 20's and have healed from that without even knowing. This is valuable information.
So the avoidant slowly breaks you down from not givning you attention, being cold, refusing to communicate etc. And then you are supposed to build yourself up and structure your live only after yourself even though you actually want a relationship? Just to get the person back that will distance themself as soon as your start asking for your actual needs.
Don’t get me wrong - if you’re anxious you most likely would benefit from building a stronger sense of self while in a relationship and to follow your own happiness, that is independent of your partner more.
Without the avoidant showing up and being ready to work on their attachment style I don’t think it’s a good idea to take these people back. And if you try through ”not trying” there is a risk that it will be hard for you to actually move on because you’re still hoping for them to come back and fully love you.
You can instead work on your own issues for a healthier partner. The avoidant only showed you some of your weaknesses. But if the person is severely avoidant and don’t wanna change their behavior or work together with you, I would drop them, try to heal and look for healthier partners in the future.
Changes are that once you heal, you won’t be interested in being with someone who is that afraid of emotions, commitment etc. If only you work on yourself, it doesn’t matter how much work you do on yourself, the relationship won’t be good for you 💕.
Hey so I have dated an avoidant for 5years without knowing he is an avoidant. I was so confused.But now watching this videos are helping me to connect the dot. Everything is making sense.
This is hell . These people are mentally ill, doesn’t anyone tell them ?
I’m so not around that I’m dating other people now lol
If you get them back and rehabbed then good . I dumped mine 6 weeks ago after 4 years . I'm in the process burning everything I have emotionally known to the ground so I can rebuild and be whole again.
This happened to me too, though I didn’t realize he was an Avoidant until after we ended things. To be fair, he was the first Avoidant I’d ever dated. During the two months we talked, he asked me out around 10 times but bailed at the last minute on 8 of those occasions. Every time we tried to discuss anything deeper than surface-level topics-even slightly-he’d pull back for days without explanation. When he did return, it was always with a lame excuse like, "I was busy with work."
The constant back-and-forth was so exhausting. One moment, he’d be warm, texting a lot, and talking about wanting to meet up. Then suddenly, he’d go cold and cancel with excuses like being too busy with work, bad weather, or being too tired-always something. It was this constant rollercoaster of hot and cold. He’d say things like, “You’re my dream girl, and if things go well, I want to marry you someday,” only to cancel our date the very next day. It was such a draining experience.
Eventually, I told him I wanted something real-something with both emotional and physical intimacy. I think that scared him off, and honestly, I’m glad it did. I didn’t want to hear from him again. After that, I focused on myself and moved forward with my life, leaving all that uncertainty behind.
Be a robot. Have no feelings/needs. Entertain them then disappear. Meanwhile whatever needs you have will never be met
That song from Tom Rosenthal “I like it when your gone” reminds me of this❤❤️🩹
Final point , BE secure within yourself !
Avoidant here. This is wrong on so many levels. You've overstated every point. Avoidants crumble, too and still get abused by anxious types. Utterly destroyed. My anxious partner wouldn't even allow me to have one day without being in communication for three years. He blew up my phone the first family vacation i had in a decade when I just asked to have one day to myself. He acted like that was grounds to break up and i needed to accept his constant need for communication. It was so toxic. At least I try to avoid relationships instead of foisting my problems on others. I found my anxiously attached partner to be very selfish and never cared about my needs, just his need for closeness. He would text me at 2 AM when my shift started at 5 AM. Avoidants are made and we're tired of being mischaracterized
Definetely you are not an avoidant.
This is very true. I experienced the same thing. Once I focused on my self-improvement, she returned, but I had no more interest in her. Infact, being near her or having the thought of seeing her again (she works for me) made me so tense that I wish I didn't have to see her again. So ironic.
Oh my god this is my life!!! I have managed to keep the NC for 27 days now. Working on that unpredictability.
hey chris can you do more videos about the fearfulavoident (disorganized attachment)?
any avoidant video applies to the FA as well. This is because the avoidant side ends up "winning". Thats why they're called fearful avoidant. FAs tend to behave anxiously in the beginning honeymoon phase.
After 7 years she just ended. I am struggling for 6 months now. That is evil . We meet and i told her that i am bothered and that i hope she understands that i can see her new (ex) friends on fb because i got a option to be friend with him because they are friends, she smiled and said " he is the last person you should worry about and yes i want him to see me how i look now " . I hope i will get out of this and even if i wasn't before i am anxiously attached now .
Huh, this makes sense. Thanks for sharing this.
Expected me to watch all the videos & monitor my comms with them but wouldn't even try to do the same in the interests of the connection when I asked for more gentle well balanced comms. All about them. Had been all along ultimately.
What I noticed is most of the time the avoidant is the one contacting me, and when I do it he doesnt seem to value me. I'm confused but that's what they do, confuse other people! The thing I need to mention is I'm a fearful avoidant, so I am an avoidant as well but he is a DA. I'd like to know more about this dynamic!
Fearful avoidants crave love and affection but are afraid of it, it triggers inner childhood traumas.
Dismissive avoidants will use you for sex or to get things and then will leave if you act needy, pushy or get too close,, they have no feelings and don't need them either, just cold ice.
@@pdazajhon2160 interesting, but I'd like to know the typical dynamic between DA and FA with a video
@@mbeau4166 same, my avoidant girl is fearful avoidant too, I had to go no contact on her, I am anxious and I was tired of her recent cold behaviour, I know she just needs space to process her feelings. In your case, how often do you feel like starting a relationship within a year? if you don't mind me asking
Always stay with people and in situations that make you feel at home ! Non negotiable !!!
god when do avoidants see how toxic they are and what they are asking for... Complete mind fuck.
Are avoidants the ones who will be intimate with you, however they rarely kiss you outside of intimacy, will not cuddle or lay together, and will remove themselves entirely from the room shortly after any intimacy? Quiet afterwards too, yet not sleeping.
My first love was like that. The only time he was all over me was if another guy was near us, and he felt the guy could be attracted or interested in me. I know this because he told me this years after we broke up. That is when I realized how broken he really is.
From my exp., the min. you stop chasing, you never see them again, few come back around with half hearted curiosity trying triggering you to chase them, for the power trip, not for love
..... Its the karpman drama triangle,
they want to grab your attention like a "lonely person rescuer" that out- rescues the lonely person looking to rescue people, like a power play,
... then you persecute them for not doing enough and they persecute you by ditching you as a power play,
.... then you can play lonely victim and they play stalked victim,
...then... repeat... you get back on your feet to be a lonely person rescueing people and... they swoop in as rescuer to out-rescue you,
...then making any effort for you gets old and you persecute them for slacking off and they out persecute you by ditching you,
and.... you become the neglect victim and they have to beat you at "out-victiming" you, being the biggest victim of your "stalking, clinging, neediness",
... repeat ...repeat... repeat...
Its a power trip, not love,
They ego trip when you chase them, its a power play,
they loose power when they are forced to lift a finger for you,
they are the victim of not being allowed to power trip and ditch you to power trip as the bigger victim of your demands and persecution, repeat, repeat,
.... just get far away from this toxic gaslighting and moving the goal post!!!!
If you have to play all these games to impress an avoidant and not be your authentic self, F$@k them!