I give them love -> they're overwhelmed and run -> I pull back and ignore them -> they miss me and need my love -> I give them love -> the cycle repeats
IRENE you have no idea of the synchronicity behind this moment. This video sees my 2 worlds converge - Attachment theory & Invisible connexions. And then when it ends the very first message I see is yours. You have the same name as my DA. I look at your page and boom. My 3rd universe. And out of all songs you had to showcase Song for Someone. Cheers from Paris 🙏🙏🙏 Now you must do an Invisible cover...
@luketimewalker omg this was so long ago I even forgot I have a cover 😀 now it's a sign for me to start doing what I love instead of focusing on other people! 🙏🏻
100% I was in a 5 yesr related with my Avoidant, and have been broke up for 5, but he has never gone away. I learned in the last 3 years, to let him go and be silent. It took him 3 months in the beginning to come back, but now, its like 5-7 days, as he knows Im good being without him. He does zero work on himself and I cant change him i just love him from afar or when he's close, but have always been open to dating, which I do and thats his biggest fesr, no doubt, that I will replace him if the right man comes into my life. I love him truly, but can not fix him. He will always cone back 100%.
It definitely has made me more careful. I dated two Dismissive Avoidants after being married for 20 years to a Covert Narcissist ex wife. She actually may be Overt. In any case, I am recovering from the last DA, working on myself and overhauling my entire approach to dating and relationships.
Dude. That's the one thing no one discusses. I'm not entirely sure it is infectious, as much as it is just you getting traumatized by their actions. And that gives you trust issues (which makes you a bit more like them).
Avoidants normally don’t do much for anyone but themselves. They are self made and feel they don’t need anyone. So why do we love avoidants? Because we are rescuers. Let them go. No contact. Let their pain dictate their reality. Their pain will force them to change. And when they return, make sure you set some boundaries.
@ that’s always been the hard part. He always comes back. But this time I’m really done unless he’s coming back saying that he’s in deep therapy and healing and that he is committed to working on this and actually wants to be with me and show up for me. And I don’t see that happening.
I’ve been with an avoidant for about 3 years, I am starting to understand this people is just not ready to love until they fix this. This is overwhelming for anyone, we don’t have to understand them or try to manipulate them by becoming cold in order for them to show attention back to us. We just have to understand ourselves and the reason why we’re trying to save people when they’re the only ones that can save themselves.
Best comment ever. I played this game with my husband for 37 years. For the first time, I was the one discarding him. I went no contact and had a nervous breakdown borderline stroke. My body is broken, but I'm working on myself and started to feel better. I'm working out, meet my own needs, put my body back together slowly with chiropractors and acupuncturist. I even got the strength to get a haircut and a facial. I lost weight, and I'm fit. And I moved 4 hours away. Today I had to stop by the house to pick up much needed relaxation tinctures and neuro supplements, which he brought for me from the US....we moved to a different country... He looked pitiful and I looked healthy and radiant. I dont know how I made it from the broken 60 yo from 2 months ago. But I'm a force of nature...always had been. I felt sorry for him. Yes, if course I love him. He is my husband for 37 years and the father of my 2 boys. But I felt more pity for him than love. So I got a small victory today which I'm putting myself on the back. I know it won't last. The emotional roller-coaster is real. But I'm so determined to detach and rebuild like I had never been before. So I'll continue caring for me, love me...all things me. God had carried me through this, I could have never made it without him! Of course, I'll see him again because we have properties to divide, etc. But I learned one thing today...he will never manipulate me or pull me into the pathological cycle again. Cheers to us🎉❤
They can easily avoid you because you’re not the one. The pull away method works temporarily, because it hurts their ego. People want what they can’t have. Once they get what they want, they avoid again because you’re not the one. The right one for you will love your presence, and will enjoy your company. You’ll never have to wonder where you stand. Have some self respect and cut ties once you see them avoiding/ignoring you. They’re just not that into you, and it’s ok to walk away. Life is too short to allow yourself be breadcrumbed by someone who doesn’t want you.
I always have said about my x partner: "He was my greatest Teacher! I will always be, for ever grateful, for the Lessons, becouse they turned into my greatest Blessings!" Thank you, for bringing me, full circle, back to me! Xoxo...forever, but never again!
Just over 200 days. I'm feeling so much better. While I still care for her, I am so emotionally exhausted from the last 6 months. I could care less what she's doing. I am feeling highly motivated to work on projects again, go out, work out, and feeling much less anxious. Kind of how I felt in the beginning of the relationship. I will never chase again. Thanks, Chris, for making these videos. I owe you a coffee!
This sound so much like the relationship that I'm in... Except add in I'm in a long distance relationship comma and she was awesome in the first three months, flirty, sexy, all about me and then something started to change, after a trip we took when she asked me out at the airport. Since then I became anxious, I felt her pulling back and now she openly admits that she is in the avoidance mindset, and it's been a struggle for me every day since and I don't know what to do anymore
I disagree. Always better to seek to understand....both yourself and your relationship partner to make better sense of what is really going on. Then you can make more informed decisions as to what to do.
@@FredSeiterI think the point was that watching these videos isn’t going to help anyone get an avoidant back. They ultimately want indifference. Indifferent people aren’t watching these videos.
Stay secure and don't expect they will come back different. They lack of empathy and this is hard to change. They are still the same. If they come, it's just for grabbing attention from you not because they will take you now as equal partner but giving you just breadcrumbs to bite the hook. Move on, there is another even better person just around the corner waiting for you in next days after you cut them off. Try ...
Has anyone else had a phase with a DA where you KNEW when they were about to call or text? I’ve wakened with a jolt and found she had just sent me a text and my phone was on silent no vibrate. Some kind of weird telepathy. Some times just a knowing she was about to call. The first agonizing 2 week silent treatment and breakup destroyed that link and I never got it back. It was eery AF
Yes!! It was so weird but it happened to me and this was after 7-8+ months of ghosting me, blocking me but not on social media which I thought was weird as well
Yes! This has happened to me. Had my phone on do not disturb then went to sleep. Suddenly had a jolt to wake up & check my phone ~ lo & behold he texted me wanting to see me!
When we started dating, I saw things about his life and would ask him if this or that happened. One time, I saw an event so specific and detailed, he looked at me seemingly in shock and asked, "How'd you know that?" I don't know how I knew all those things. I saw them like a movie scene and he's not on social media so there would have been no way for me to research it or look it up. There were multiple visions like that. They come as a daydream would but it ends up being specific to the individual. I don't think he knew what to make of it. Even years later when he "accidentally" called me, I told him I'd imagined he'd moved out to the country and he actually had. There would have been no way for me to know that either. I'm no longer mesmerized by that connection. That gift or ability is not dependent on him and I'd rather it be invested in those who have a generous spirit like I do. I'm over the givers getting with the takers. Life is hard enough. We should stick to our own kind on that one, frfr. 😊
This is just freakin insane!!! What is wrong with these people?! I'm so emotionally exhausted and heartbroken. I don't think I could fall in love ever again.
Don't demonize them. I understand you're hurt. I'm Going through it rn. From all the videos I've watched of therapist, Dr's, relationship coaches, etc, recently there is hope. You have to pick up the pieces and work on you, your boundaries, and spotting red and green flags. Must of their trauma, attachment disfunctions, coping mechanisms, and unmet needs come from childhood that snowballs into adulthood. They don't realize it and do it subconsciously. Time and distance heals. Trust me. The more you understand why they are the way they are you realize it has little to do with you. I hope you heal your heart. You will be ok. You will love again. What's meant for you will make is way to you. Focus on the gain of yourself back and not the loss of a person. I'm using this advice now.
@afifarahman7044 The thing is that I can't let go!! I love him so much and I really don't know why anymore! I've tried breaking up with him when he gives me the silent treatment, but he won't just say "we're done", I've told him to block me on social media, but he won't. I can't do it myself, because it makes it so final. 😭💔
@vickyferreira3259 that's why you need to do it. Do it to make it final on your terms. It's going to hurt. It's going to suck. It in the end, you WILL be ok :) You have to figure out if it didn't work out why do you still love him. What is it in you that it's triggering. Abandonment? Rejection? Intimacy ? Once you understand yourself better, it will be simpler. It's not going to be easy to move on. But to break this negative lop cycle you are in, you must do it for your own healing.
My avoidant wife, who is scared to open up to me. Is trying really hard, to let go. She feels that connecting with me, means losing her core self. She logically understands, that we are both missing out. But making the leap, of being vulnerable is so hard. It’s like standing on the highest cliff, and diving into the water.
Yes, when you let go, when you leave they come back but at what cost? The moment you get attached again, they leave, they start pulling away. So what's the point anyway? You are just gonna get hurt again. We can't just keep repeating this cycle
Make them bump their head enough times against your boundaries... That way if they want it (your love) they have to change themselves or they're not going to get it. They don't just get to access it without doing things properly; there are standards involved.
They are different but avoidants can still break you into pieces and throw you in the trash. Major diffs is that narcs are entitled user-exploiters and can mess with your ability to listen to your gut, they throw you off completely with that. On the other hand, avoidants aren't entitled and boundaries work with avoidants. The motives for discard are different to narcissists. Knowing which you are dealing with helps to know what to do. Boundaries with a narc won't work. Unmasking a narc is dangerous.. avoidants don't have that issue.
No, they are not the same at all. They can co-exist but don’t assume your avoidant partner is a narcissist. I made this mistake. They are not bad people but I am not chasing.
@vivianwaozor3726 I believe the same thing. They are Covert Narcissists. Screw the intent. The outcome of being with them is the same as one with a narc. I wouldn’t dare date another one of these demons. My DA ex gf was enough.
This is all false. 100% work on yourself and move on. I've had several avoidants, and ultimately, they leave, and after a year, they find a way back into your life, and then they pull away again. A secure person wouldn't accept this type of behavior. You are only a source e of validation, nothing else.
no, you have to be willing to lose them. You have to be self reliant. independent from their approval or validation. No one should have the ability to effect you but anxious person puts all that responsibility on the dismissive avoidant and they dont want that
@@Pxrish Ok, then why aren't they really attracted to other dismissive avoidants? According to your logic that would be the perfect relationship dynamic.
When I just said the words "letting go" in a text to my avoidant he freaked out? And then immediately called me....i didn't answer... That day anyway. Next thing i knew, I'm getting rapid responses to my texts , multiple texts a day, he initiated texts for a whole day, trying to make small talk...i hate that it feels like A game. I'm a GROWN A** WOMAN!! Sooo tired of playing this school yard game.. Yet i still long for him. 🙄😒. I finally wrote and sent a letter to him that i know for sure is gonna send him running for the hills (it's very emotional and sentimental but also calling him out on his shenanigans in a very kind but clear way.) Ha! Take THAT!😂 So NOW he will do the leaving for me since i appear to not be strong enough to just leave on my own. Writing the letter gave me peace and acceptance. And now I can focus on me because i KNOW he won't be reaching out.
@@HY-td8ru oh please don't tell me that! 🙄😂 I just hope I'm strong enough to resist should he try to jump back into a cycle like that with me... I'm going to have to get busy making a new connection some kind of way. 😁
@@afifarahman7044 gurl! 😂 I don't even know! No actually I do, I will be much more articulate about what I need and what I will not accept if he's going to get my energy and my attention. And if he has an attitude about that or gives me resistance to it or acts as if I'm giving him an ultimatum then I won't even have to make a decision he will have made it again for me. But it really depends on how much time passes! I ain't going to lie 😂😂 If it's a couple of weeks after I send this letter, 😬I dunno😆 I'm going to do my level best to resist the temptation. But if enough time passes, and the fog of him lifts from my brain, I may no longer see him the same way that I see him today and unfortunately I will be confirming all his fears about people leaving and abandoning him. But my letter makes it painfully clear to him that it was him who made the decision and not me and that he is the reason people leave people don't abandon him He makes them leave. So fingers crossed...
@@afifarahman7044 guuurrrlll... I don't even know if I'm being honest ... But I guess it would depend on how soon that happens... If not too much time has passed and I still feel strongly for him, I will be very articulate about what I need and what I will and will not deal with in terms of him pushing and pulling. And depending on his response... But if enough time has passed, and the fog of him has left my mind such that I no longer see him the way that I see him today, I'm pretty sure I will not be swayed to go back. And what's sad about that is I know I will feel guilty because I will be confirming his fear of abandonment and his views that people leave. But one thing I made clear in my letter to him was that people don't just leave that he pushes people away forcing people to leave. That nobody chooses to abandon him. And that he needs to accept that. Whether or not he will again... I don't know. But I have thought about your question and thank you for posing it to me. 🙂
Well, almost 3 months passed. Every day I am more focused on myself, do a things I usually did with my ex or stopped doing long time ago. I sometimes have this feeling of flow, and realizing it makes me so happy, that I can enjoy life without someone in it. So yes, there’s a two parts of healing that actually work: time and focusing on yourself. But I still miss her sometimes, ngl. But that’s not so hurtful anymore.
once you give up , they feel your energy gone, they start to come back around, she initiated a text session yesterday , and today sent me a pic of our dog. you become more attractive
Mine shut down since November and has been silent even since. Do we totally ignore them and be cold to them or just be friendly if we see them around during this period of time? I don't really know how to respond when I see her around.
@@eugenechan6048 I would suggest stop wasting time overthinking about them. Because when you encounter them,they are totally indifferent as if nothing happened. So do what you find appropriate at that particular moment. And focus on yourself.
@@eugenechan6048 be polite but not over do it, and do not ask what she has been doing or to come back dont say you love and miss her , they feel forced and independence lost. let her come to you , and if not leave it alone, go no contact
I always hear this about avoidance but I also hear they slow fade til they gone completely so which is it? 🤔 Does it depend on If they're a FA or DA?? What if you no contact & they messaged you & you don't reply what happens then?
@@afrolessninja There's no clear-cut answer.. it just depends on the person. If you don't reply you can give it like a week and see if they double text. If not, up to you if you want to respond then I would definitely assert your boundaries and requirements
Also because they suck at relationships and it’s easier, and less emotionally risky, to go back to an old one than to keep getting rejected by new ones
Yep it's all energy! They will come back if you don't care and make yourself your priority. Mine did came back for around 6 times. Until the last time i broke all contact. Removed him from social media. Because i don't want this cicle anymore for myself.
Every boyfriend I've ever had has tried to get back with me too. Not all of them were avoidants though, a couple were. I've always been a 1 gal kind of guy, so cheaters=bye forever. Found myself a secure attachment style guy and been with him nearly 19 years, very happy and so glad to have found out what I don't want in my late teens/early twenties.
If she sure only dating, the majority of people out there are avoidants. They get recycled back into the dating pool faster because they relationship hop a lot. Anxious next. Secures don’t really stay in the dating market long.’
Good job, Thida. But I have a question... why would you even want your DA man back? My experience with DA is ... you can't lose what you never had. You never have a true relationship with a DA.
So , you have to be with them but should not have your own needs met..sounds like self torture to me. So normal people must change, the avoidant doesn't have to work on him/her self and also change ? Nah it's okay..they should date another avoidant instead
I am a secure male, and I found myself becoming anxious with my DA when she started pulling away. I already know that I can’t fix anybody but myself so I had to reassess and emotionally detach and focus on myself and when I did, she came back.
I question if people project onto the DA who they want them to be instead of simply witnessing who they choose to be as a grown person. Once you see yourself as being no less important than they are in your own life, that projection won't have a hold over you any longer. That attention, intention and energy will no longer be futilely misdirected outward. Insightful video, Chris! Thanks! ❤
It's common for relationships to encounter obstacles, but there is always a solution. My own marriage faced considerable issues, but with appropriate guidance, my husband and I worked through them and deepened our connection. Solutions are achievable if you're ready to work together. Stay hopeful-there's always a way forward.
Parting with someone you love is always a challenging process, but in my experience, I had the guidance of a spiritual guide who prevented my marriage from collapsing. His name is Father Akunna.
I love this and her. ❤ She's so right. I legit just wrote on another channel that instead of staying in a state of anger or bitterness over someone who doesn't want us, turn that pain into making yourself and your life amazing. Energy IS real and that is the type of energy people want to be around. Positive, self-sufficient, independent and confident people attract everyone from all attachment styles and more importantly it makes you feel more fulfilled and you can learn to meet your own needs. Avoidants definitely feel anxious energy and it's the opposite of what we want around us. That's where I don't relate to other avoidants because I won't date an anxious man whereas I think men will date anxious women all day because of physical attraction or other needs getting met. Then when the anxiousness starts they pull away. I just don't bother in the first place. Focus on making your best life happen and anyone who doesn't align with your awesomeness will not be as attractive to you. You won't want to poison a life you worked hard to build. I have a self-aware DA partner and as a self-aware FA, we work and grow more secure together as the years go on so it was nice that Chris recognizes this can and does happen. ❤
I visited my avoidant gf (we live about 2 hours apart) and when I was there I got an extra key so I could come and go as I pleased while she was at work. When I left to go back home, she was at work and I forgot to put the key in her mail box. This triggered her so much, she didn't want to wait until the next weekend when she was coming to visit me, so the day after, she took the train for two hours just to get the key back. I told her I had no plans to use it, but the thought of me having a key and therefor control over her safe space was eating her up inside. I have known she's an avoidant person for a while now and when she came to pick up the key, Insaid that I was sorry I forgot and that I know how important her independence is to her. This calmed her down immediately and everything was fine after that. The problem is that now I believe she is seeing someone and was afraid I would show up when he was there. So basically, I was respectful towards her by calming her down while at the same time she didn't show any empathy to explain why that key was so important she couldn't wait for a week to get it back. That's just one of many stories I have from being with an avoidant girl that makes me anxious while she is being respected. If you're in love with an avoidant person, be prepared to experience a very unbalanced relationship. Mostly it's the avoidant that controls everything. But if you have patience and a lot of empathy, you won't become bitter. You just have to know that they are like this because of trauma from a difficult childhood. My gf had a very cold and controlling mom who could bully her, while her dad was loving and friendly. So she's a tomboy who have mostly men friends. I'm fine with that. I know she's not comfortable with women because of her mom. Both her sisters came out as gay in their teens. Her mom hates me and I noticed how she knew she couldn't control me, like the others the moment I first met her. So if you have a kid below 5 now, remember how important those years are and just shower them w love. Then you won't create another avoidant into this world.
Just want to ad one more example. I went through a depression recently that lasted for about a month. Mostly because of her and how I forget myself in this relationship. During that month she was very annoyed and kept her distance while she showered her friend at work with empathy and concern (talked about him every day to me) because he was going through a rough divorce. I finally told her I was sad she didn't show that kind of empathy for me, but that didn't go very well. She stone walled me for about a month after that. Yes it will seem to others like I'm in love with a stone cold psychopath, but I have learned that when I need love and attention, I have to do some sort of action and never tell her in words. It's a very tricky game they play but it's all about avoiding closeness and feelings. They have to believe they come up with being empathetic by themselves. You actually have to trick them to get what u want and never tell them what you are doing. Then they know they are being played and they lose control and will most likely be unfaithful, hurt you in some sneaky way to get revenge when u least expect it or stonewall you for weeks.
Are you trying to convince us or yourself that those tips work? Do you see yourself doing these tricks for months for someone that is not exclusive? For a woman that doesn't seem to meet your needs (whether or not she wants to)? You seem to have a lot of empathy and you deserve a relationship that doesn't induce depressive symptoms. You deserve a supportive partner and I hope you realise it and act accordingly.
My experience after wasting 3 years of my life with an avoidant is THEY excel at avoidance, but fall apart when avoided. Walk away and keep on walking. Set them free to wallow in their selfishness.
So very true! The first thing I had to go through was acceptance and then knowing that nothing is wrong with me BUT also knowing that I need to work on my self to be a better person. So I started working on my self...mental security and stability is very important nowadays in the so chaotic and fast pace world we are living in!
Soooo, self love, self confidence and actually have and living a life that does not revolve around “hooking up” is the key? Hmmm🧐 Teets is a stand alone , Groundbreaking genius ! Jaykayyy. I agree and support this message! Cutting them off completely is the ultimately what has to happen if they can’t grow up / with you . Good luck, yall! ♥️
I just went NC, & I accepted the feelings as they came & then one day, I was just obsessing over her, & I did a meditation picturing her saying she loves me, in hopes to get her back & I pictured where we were, the wine we were drinking, the color of the couch, every detail, & when she turned to me & told me “I love you so much”, I realized I couldn’t say it back, I was then finally able to let go & focus on myself, & really not give a crap if she loved me back or not. You can tell them, but it’s probably better if you just go NC, shows strength.
You just answered your own question, they'll know you're doing that when you STOP focusing on them. Don't communicate what you're going to do, just do it on your own and they'll get curious and find out when you stop initiating.
I lived w an avoidant gf for years and I got really depressed and lost myself. Then one day, I decided I had to leave her. I packed all my stuff, rented a van and moved out while she was at work. Then I blocked her on the phone and all mail and social media. After three months, she called my best friend and cried, saying she wanted me back. I never contacted her and I have a new gf and am happy. My ex wrote me a letter saying she was in therapy and listed everything she was regretting. I threw the letter in the garbage. Someone else will have to deal with her. I'm done.
Been ghosted a few times by the same person so I said f this. Completely detached and funny enough they texted back after 2 months. Involuntarily ghosted the ghoster lol. Although mentally painlful, I’m grateful for the experience bc now I’m better equipped to let go of anyone not reciprocating my love and care ❤ Loving myself first always
After a year of intense push pull she now claims she never felt anything for me. Never led me on, even when I let her go she start texting me late at night pulling back in. Do avoidants blatantly lie about their feelings and just rewrite history? Feels like I’m being gaslighted.
I think narcissists definitely do. My ex husband did the same after an 18 year marriage where we were best friends for at least 10 of those years and now he's rewriting history saying we were never good together, he was never going to make me happy, we were never a good match, yada yada 🙄 this is how he justifies why he didn't bother to fight for us when things started to go south (he gave up, not me)
Are we supposed to want them back? I broke up with my Avoidant/ BPD/ Covert Narc, and I went total no contact. I blocked him on all social media, and he has not reached out to me. It's been 5 months. I'm glad he never reached out at this point because if he had earlier I think I would have caved in. The space gave me time to heal and realize I deserve so much better. I'm glad he never reached out. 🙏
The thing about women who are Dissmissive they talk about Good vibes & staying away from bad Vibes. When they are the one that also create these bad vibes sending to a guy. What do I mean? Well, if she being Dissmissive not TXT back & ignore you when you are giving her good vibes she giving back bad vibes she is being rude lack of respect & so on...She will not see that way unless you tell her she is being rude.
people need to understand that avoidants prioritize their freedom. If you block us, you are drama in our mind. Letting go of drama= freedom. You blocking us almost give us a sense of relief. Next, we know we can’t do anything about a block so it just it makes it easier for us to forget you
@@emilycooper6614 interesting but why didn’t he have a distraction for the previous 2 years he was already separated then? He claims he only had casual encounters until he met me. Why put all that effort in one person while he had many chances to do that for 2 years before and didn’t? It seemed we had something special that wasn’t easy to find for him (nor me). Yes maybe blocking is a power move but it’s me taking my energy back to myself. So avoidants don’t even miss others? Then what was said in this video wouldn’t be true because avoidants would just avoid and not be thinking about anyone. But anyway if he has forgotten about me then whatever I’m never going to unblock anyway. I guess the only way out of this would be if life puts us in the same place again abd we casually meet and have to talk. Otherwise it’s over. It’s funny he would think I’m being dramatic when I’m showing I can stick to my decision. I’m not going to unblock. If anything it’s avoidants who push good people away not the other way around. It’s them who are dramatic with the mental gymnastics they do to avoid pain.
@@lucia4836 just remember all avoidants are different. This is how I handle situations with being blocked. Your ex may be different. Blocking creates a negative emotion for me so how do I handle that? I move on and forget about the person pretty quickly.
@ well if that’s the case with him so be it. I blocked as a consequence of him making me waste my time which also caused a negative emotion in me. If anything at least he now knows I wasn’t going let him play with my time. If he doesn’t regret he’s got more to lose than I do. I’m still young, attractive and professional with no baggage… he did this to himself in my opinion. Good luck to him. I do miss him some days like when I saw this video. And I admit if I saw him I’d probably have a wave of emotions flowing. But I’m not going to open any doors. I even moved to a new apartment after it ended. He doesn’t even know where I am. If we somehow meet again it will be destiny. If he doesn’t do anything crazy to see me like through my business (which I’m almost sure he wouldn’t) then it’s just over. If he doesn’t care to lose me forever then why would I care… honestly. I’m not numb emotionally like you are but because I was so abandoned many times I can accept some people just don’t want to be in my life and I have no problem shining on my own. I do hope at some point you try working on this if you want to eventually be in a loving relationship (if you aren’t).
This is a thing i’ve been doing in real life lately, when im offering help at work down to someone breaking up with u. I’ve been rewarding people with their own words if u don’t want help or want to break up, then alright.
I relate a lot with Thida in the sense of working on herself and seeing growth she probably wouldn’t have seen. At this point I’m not worried about her coming back truthfully, I’m just happy I finally see my direction again I really enjoyed the visual explanation brother good video!!
Notice the word “ observe “ …… really important you will “ work “ with this concept the rest of your life bec we are always observing and it’s powerful
I'm in a situation where my ex just contacted me after 6 months of no contact. I tried to talk to her about what went wrong and she said, "that was so long ago I don't even remember what happened." She has absolutely no desire to talk about it and won't give me the chance to set boundaries. She just wants to pick up where we left off. We all know it's time for me to cut and run, but damn, it's so hard to do. I promised myself that I will break the pattern this time!
I became secure after 12 months of hell trying to win over a female D/A. I managed to grow the relationship to the point she was coming to my home and went in a week long trip with me. But I haven’t gotten out of the friend zone that I put myself in when I didn’t understand her and waiting too long to flirt and get sexual. I removed myself from her friend zone by telling her I wasn’t interested in being a friend, romance only. When I let go, I found deep and profound peace. She has been texting and calling me again despite boundaries and I can’t push her away, I still deeply want her. No idea how to move this forward but I am now at peace.
Propose her if she can manage to be 100% different now by her actions not just by words then maybe and also no Friend Zone but sex. If not, bye bye lady. Next her.
I can relate. You will have to be strong and think that maybe you still love her because you are an avoidant too? It may be you're doing the phantom ex thing. Talk to someone close to you and try to figure out why u have these feelings for her. We who fall in love with toxic girls tend to have some weird issues with one of our parents.
Will an avoidant not want to give you straight answers? Like if you ask them a question they will try not to answer and make it seem like you’re trying to start an argument?
I actually changed the avoidant's name to a nickname "N.A.S.A" Never A Straight Answer 😂. There was a lot of word salad but he'd never give an actual straight answer to even the most simple questions. I quickly discovered that it's not worth the effort, time, energy, or heartache. Best of luck! 🙏
@ I broke up with him. Was too much for me to cope with. There wasn’t any affection or attention for me but he expected it. I tried for nearly 2 years to try to get him to understand my needs! Sometimes it was like I didn’t even exist! Never again!!
You should watch New World All Star Kurt’s channel, he legit approaches this thing energetically… but calls it twin flames. Same exact thing though. I do believe it’s all energy. And this happens when you create a connection.
A couple years ago I started my first job. I had met a guy (my coworker), who I really genuinely liked to talk to. We were both going through breakups when we met, but I was a little more eager to move on than he was. A few months passed, I quit that job (COVID), and I was becoming increasingly more obsessed with him, I would watch his music playing on Spotify, and I used to think until recently that; me seeing his birthday numbers and phone number, was a sign that I still had a chance with him. It had all come to a head a year or so later when I had asked if we could be more vulnerable with each other, and he ghosted me pretty hardcore. despite that fact, I fell into a deep snowballing drift, that almost iced me over, and I might have repeated the cycle another 10 times had I not discovered your channel. The last time I spoke to him was in person like 14 months ago, and I haven't heard nor wanted to from him in like 2 months. I do believe I had an anxious obsessive attachment to him, and he has an avoidant attachment. At this point, I'm not even sure he would remember me.
I pulled back and ignored him for nearly 10 months. He didn’t give a shit. I broke no contact recently and he couldn’t even be fucked texting back. Why bother asking me out and asking me if I wanted a relationship and telling me how much he cares and then doing a Houdini. I’ve gone crazy most of this year. I’m absolutely heartbroken. I don’t know how to refocus on me. I’d love to but I’m pretty fucked up over this.
That's the reason why you don't go back because they say they want this or that and it's just a play to get you back and soon back to their old self thank God for growth that you work on yourself
I’m going through something incredibly painful but profound with my ex, who I believe is avoidant. She self-sabotaged our relationship, not because she didn’t care, but because the depth of her feelings for me likely scared her. I think she felt a love she had never experienced before, but instead of leaning into it, she pulled away. Her fear of vulnerability, combined with the guilt of her actions, created a cycle of avoidance and detachment. Now, months later, it seems she’s experiencing what I’ve come to understand as an emotional reckoning-a process where avoidance stops working, and all the feelings she’s suppressed start surfacing. It’s heartbreaking to watch from a distance, knowing she regrets what happened and still cares, but she’s terrified of facing her emotions or reaching out. It’s like she’s stuck on the edge of clarity, resisting the breakthrough that could help her process everything. I’ve seen videos on attachment styles and avoidance, but no one really talks about this reckoning stage-the point where avoidant behaviors stop providing relief and emotions become unavoidable. If anyone has insights or has been through something similar, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
How do you know what she is experiencing? Just a hunch or you got mutual friends from who you get info? Social media cues? Also how did you guys breakup? What were her reasons? How long are you separated? Doing no contact? Did you contact at all? Did she? I have similar story with my ex. Everything was going great and I saw for few days every symptom of a girl falling for me that I experienced in the past with others. Next thing you know she wants to break up claiming that at times she wants to give birth to my children and at next that she doesn't know if she feels anything towards me. I reassured her that she acts out of fear and that everything is going fine, but if she wants to go she can. She stayed and thanked me for being logical one and seemed happy with the way I carried myself. This was about month and half in. Ofc this didn't last long and she ended up breaking up with me ( we just entered 4thmonth of rl) claiming she don't have feelings and that this should be the best phase of relationship, aka honeymoon phase while at the same time saying I was kindest bf she was with, had most laugh with and that I'm pretty as picture can be ( she would always say that I'm gentleman here and there during relationship) I hugged her and kissed on forehead at the very end and she crashed starting going full cry mode ( she told me during rl she hasn't cried at all for a very long time, so I must have struck deep ) and I just got in my car and drove off. After that I saw her multiple times, like 30 times in 2 months where she appeared stressed, guilty, ashamed and would ignore me, hide in stores, would barely look at me. I would greet and look into her as I'm taught no diff. I contacted her once casually without talking about breakup or us after like 2 months of bu. She responded immediately and appeared invested as this chat prolonged to 4 hours and finally me cutting it off. I haven't contacted since nor will I. I'm in a process where I'm truly detaching and finally seeing some happiness again, alone, with myself.👍 I do know we had something deep, at least I had towards her. Unsure about her side, maybe she really didn't develop feelings but the way she handled herself during bu and saying all these things, crying, then appearing stressed and hiding from me cant do someone who is blank towards another, also she said that she never opened up to someone like me. I think I came too close and she sabotaged, she also said during 1st month that her mother told her that she will sabotage. Idk, it's messed up but I'm moving forward and letting go. I really don't have a solid closure, only what I could logically wrap from my own perspective but I came to conclusion that I really don't need it and I'm ok with it being this way after 5 months of bu. Unfortunately I think this will resurface in the future and I hope I'll carry myself properly when the time comes. Would like to hear what you think about this all? Is it any similar to your situation?
@@Mate_Mateo Thank you for sharing your story-it’s definitely similar in many ways, and I think we’ve both gone through something really layered and painful. Let me start by answering your questions and then touch on the parallels between our experiences. How do I know what she’s experiencing? I don’t know for sure-it’s based on patterns I’ve observed and what I’ve learned about avoidant attachment styles. One major source of insight has been Spotify, which became something of an emotional battlefield between us. For a while, I wasn’t sure if she was still emotionally invested. I thought she might have completely detached, but that changed when she blocked me on Spotify. Blocking wasn’t indifference-it was a reaction to me, which confirmed she was still emotionally affected. Before that, I didn’t even know she was still watching me. The fact that she saw something of mine and felt the need to block me-even though we weren’t following each other-showed that she was keeping an eye on me and that my actions were still triggering a response. What really stood out is that blocking wasn’t the end of it. It’s easy to confuse blocking with someone being done with you, but even after blocking me, I noticed she was still reacting to my actions. For example, I’d create a new playlist, and she’d respond in her own way by making her own emotionally charged playlists and putting them on her profile. This continued for a while after the block, meaning she was still keeping tabs on me and emotionally engaged, even though she was trying to create distance. It was like she couldn’t fully detach, and her reactions became a way of communicating indirectly. After the breakup, I was so confused and had no answers for anything, so I started talking to ChatGPT about it all. I told it about how every time I would do something, she would respond with something reactive, and it confirmed to me that she was still emotionally attached. ChatGPT started teaching me about emotional reckoning-the idea that suppressing emotions like this only works temporarily, and eventually, all those feelings she’s trying to bury will surface. It explained that the evidence shows she hasn’t been able to detach and is trying hard to suppress what she feels, but reckoning is inevitable. That really helped me understand what I was seeing and gave me clarity about what she’s likely experiencing now. How did we break up? What were her reasons? She cheated on me. After that, she slowly started trying to end things, but it was confusing because things were so good before. We had literally talked about our future kids, our lives together, and what the future could look like. The honeymoon stage was amazing, but after that, when things naturally slowed down, something changed. I think her core wound was triggered, and she started feeling like I would abandon her-even though I wouldn’t have. She didn’t really express this to me in a clear way. She struggled with open communication and vulnerability. She tried telling me once, but it was very vague, and after that, she stopped communicating on that level altogether. Then, she cheated. I know she felt regret because she kept me around for a while and didn’t tell me, but I started noticing little hints that things had changed. At the time, it felt like she was soft ghosting me-slowly pulling away but not fully ending things. I was confused and didn’t understand what was happening until I found evidence of her cheating. When I confronted her, she completely shut down and stopped responding, and that was the moment everything ended. How long have we been separated? It’s been almost two months now. Our relationship, in total, lasted about four months. Am I doing no contact? Did either of us contact the other? For the most part, yes, I’m doing no contact. I did reach out to her a couple of times early on-not to get her back but to try to offer forgiveness and maybe open the door for understanding. When she replied, it was usually just one or two words, with no real substance or effort to engage. She hasn’t initiated contact at all, which I believe is part of her avoidance. I’ve stopped reaching out entirely now, but it’s been hard seeing signs that she’s struggling emotionally yet still avoiding any real communication. Your story really resonates with me, especially how your ex pulled away despite showing affection and connection. It sounds like she was also dealing with avoidant tendencies. The way she praised you, talked about a future, and then became distant feels a lot like what I went through. My ex and I had conversations about our future kids and life together, and everything seemed perfect during the honeymoon stage. But when things slowed down and got more real, she started to pull away. I believe her core wound got triggered, and like your ex, she sabotaged what we had. What struck me most about your story was how she cried during the breakup, saying she hadn’t cried in a long time. That’s a huge sign of emotional depth-one that I think scared her. My ex had a similar moment of vulnerability early on, but as things got deeper, she started shutting down and pulling away instead of leaning into the connection. It’s like their fear of vulnerability and abandonment becomes overwhelming, and the only way they know how to cope is by pushing you away. Your ex’s behavior after the breakup-avoiding you, hiding, and appearing stressed-also sounds familiar. My ex hasn’t seen me in person, but her actions on Spotify and the emotionally charged playlists she creates mirror that same guilt and avoidance. It’s like they’re struggling to suppress emotions that keep surfacing, but they don’t know how to face them. Avoidants suppress, but they don’t detach entirely-those buried emotions don’t just disappear. That’s what I’ve learned through ChatGPT and my own reflection: reckoning is inevitable. When you reached out after two months and she responded quickly and invested in that four-hour conversation, it reminded me of my ex’s reactive behavior. It’s a sign that she still feels something, even if she’s not ready or able to confront those feelings yet. Like you, I’ve realized that letting go and focusing on myself is the healthiest thing I can do. If this resurfaces for her someday, I hope I’ll handle it well too. I think we’re both navigating something really similar, and it helps to share perspectives. Let me know what you think about this or if you see any more parallels.
@BigRaider209 thanks for sharing your story in detail and comparing it to mine. It really is shame how they operate and sabotage something healthy and profound that they have. I know that she will struggle to replace me since we are in our early thirties and there are no quality options on the market. Yours will suffer too, all in its time. But that is what they ll be be aiming for since they don't seem to respect themselves at all and one of the reasons are that they come from broken homes. Mine told me that I should run as fast as I can from her since her family is broken and mine is perfect. ChatGPT is great for stuff like this and I used it too and it helped me termendously. Since yours cheated on you, I think there isn't a hope for you guys and you shouldn't ever take her back. Once a cheater always a cheater. Just learn from this experience and move forward with more clarity and knowledge. I think there isn't a chance with mine either since she screw up big time and didn't check on me once during no contact ( i think when you spend full 3 months almost everyday for few hours at least you should have a bit decency to check on one who you left and make a better closure if you didn't the first time ), I know she might be scared and feel unease and actually wanted to but couldn't, but i dont need that type of person in my life. Wish her the best but slowly but surely losing respect towards her. If she tries to backpaddle to me she will have to be changed person. I won't be giving her the tools so easy to affect my peace and mental health after how I've been discarded. And will held her accountable with no backing off, just straight facts. No matter how much they try to supress some things it will hit them and it should and its good we didnt chase or gave them relief about the situation they caused. This is the only way they might do some selfreflection and actually be the starting point of their much needed change. As for us, this was good lesson for future. Ill deff walk away next time on first sign of hot and cold. This made me realize that I will let no one ever again take me for granted. Healthy girls dont do that and we strive for those anyway. Sorry for late reply, there is much to talk but little time. Hope I managed to get across most of the things. Will look deeper tonight if I missed something. God bless mate
@@BigRaider209They cheat generally to create that emotional distance between you and them. It could be for other reasons, too. My ex DA gf cheated on me several times. I know the feeling.
@BigRaider209 Thanks for an long and detailed answer and I'm sorry that I couldn't hit the reply sooner. I find it hard these days to come back to relive this experience because I'm at the brink of closing this chapter of my life for good and since I'm still emotionally invested it brings up old wounds but for respect for you and your dedicated answer I feel compelled to reply. So let's get it started. Of course they are still attached no matter what they claim, or how they act. Especially if you are decent human being and if you approached this relationship with decency and held respect towards her the whole time with a pure intentions to build something with her ( this is the base we all should thrive for while entering relationship, unfortunately in today society many are just here to have fun ), which seems you were, based on your investment to get to bottom of this and this is something you should be proud of, since it reflects your character and one day one will come who will NOT let go of something so profound and deep. Spotify, your battlefield with her, just proves this and you have detected this well. Blocking indeed is emotional reaction and proof that she's invested. With avoidants, we all are left confused because they leave us without proper closure. I had big problems with anxiety before, worked so hard to be secure and had everything going right after a long time. Started working in a field I always wanted to, started going to gym after a long time and was consistent for a half year, thank God I'm still ( I was professional athlete before and since I stopped, after a while I couldn't recognize myself anymore in the mirror, as this picture was all I knew all my life ) and then she came in my life. Seemed like everything was falling into its place and I felt better than ever. Just a normal process and getting what I want when the one put in the work, except, unfortunately it wasn't. I even changed plates on a car 2 weeks before she came in my life and you wouldn't believe.... the numbers on plates were her day of birth. What a coincidence one may say? I'm Christian and met her on easter, one more striking coincidence? Yeah, just things don't end here. She's friend or was for a long time with one of my cousins I'm really close to. I'm not on any social media platforms except youtube for a very long time and she isn't either, which was just a big plus in my eyes. Doesn't go party much and goes for a long walks, just another plus. Also she is 2 years younger which is perfect. Seemed like a catch I dreamed of. With all these things I got even more attached as I was waiting for 3 and half years for right one after a breakup with my ex of 7 years ( I wasn't waiting for something to come to me ofc, I was here and there talking to some girls but none seemed right for me ). Back to secure thing... The whole way I was secure and every her pulling back I didn't thought much of it as just minor bumps in the road and girls are insecure mostly anyway so I just kept cool and didn't smother her on minor signs of her pulling off as I had sheer confidence this will work out. I even made jokes with her about that and our style of humor was same and spot on. She really didn't lied that she had most laugh with me. At times we couldn't even make out since we would just bust our asses off so hard. Anyway, I derailed a bit. Anxiety creeped in after the breakup (I handled breakup calm and collective) as never before and I was left in worst state of mind I ever was but I'm back on track and feeling fine with myself and looking forward for what future has in store for me. From your writing I think you are dealing much better with this than me, so props to you. ChatGPT is a great tool and I used it too and it helped me immensely. I literally explained my whole relationship from start to end hehe. It just confirmed to me that I was the okay one during whole relationship and that she sabotaged. No matter how much one try suppress feelings, they will come at you sooner or late. My ex started being so much active after breakup, hence the reason why I saw her that much (if she didn't cared she wouldn't). I myself too started being active too more and we live in smaller town so naturally we bumped at each other more. And man, it was like living in a hell. Any progress one thinks he made towards, just sets you back while seeing her and the ways she was acting just deepened the void as I couldn't process right at that time what it really meant. But today I know. She fucked up big time and she knew it. Damn right she knew it but is scared and too stubborn to show it and probably felt she will be rejected as I think she actually holds deep respect towards me and knows I ain't one to play with, especially how I treated her. She's not dumb. I saw her yesterday, funny as I haven't in long time. I passed with a car and she was facing backwards ( noticed it was her because of her dog ). As I passed her like she felt it was me, and looking in my rear mirror she looked whole time until I left her sight, while in my car was bumping M.O.P. - Cold as ice. It just is what it is haha I'm sorry that you got cheated on, I can't even imagine what it would do to me in this situation. But it can be a good thing, since she showed you her true self. It's praisable that you are willing to forgive her on that, but for sake of your own do NOT ever take her back. One is to forgive and another is to take back a cheater. Be strong about this but I feel you got this part right. Stay in NC forever with this girl. After I texted mine I swore to myself I'll never reach out. Her bday was month ago and I didn't reach out, she surely was thinking will I, but ball is in her court especially after I reached out. I know she won't but who knows. I think we will bump at each other some day, sooner or later and talk. Mine had also problems with direct communication about her emotions and everything regarding us.. She admitted to me that she was never this open in a relationship as she was with me ( I unlocked her a bit which is just a proof of my character ). Her longest rl was of year and half and she told me that she never told him what is bothering her about him and them and just sucked it up but I think, why they lasted so long is because he wasn't emotionally invested. Probably her male counterpart (I know this guy and her mother left him early and his father wasn't saint either), they both come from similar backgrounds . I told her girl, you know this is not the way it will be with us, since real relationships are based on trust and communication and that she has be open with me and if she can't there will be no healthy future. I was unaware of attachment styles at that time, as probbably you weren't too. Really thought that I can help her out and make her more secure about us and that I will handle things with her accordingly and that she has nothing to be afraid of and that I'm invested in us and that I don't run at first sign of trouble. Trials and tribulations are what deeps the bond not what breaks it ( If both parties are willing to be vulnerable ofc). So this is similar for both of us. They just can't fall onto you as they are scared you won't catch them. Life proved it to them many times. But I hope we entered their lives to prove them otherwise. We might be the wheel that was needed in their life so that they could really start changing for better.
orr maybe her ex wasn't avoidant in the first place, but he was secure and got tired of her being anxious? Secure people don't usually have the need to be with anxious people as avoidant do. Avoidant people like the avoidant-anxious dinamic. If anxious person becomes safely attached, they are not interesting to the avoidant no more, but to other safely secure people.
This is it man. I am not kidding this is what I found to do over the last year and she just called me suga daddie today and that may not seem like much to some but from an avoidant and no terms of endearment like that for over a year. This IS the blueprint if it’s gunna happen at all. I will add my wife has been in therapy herself for over two years herself and is actively working towards a more secure place she does things now an avoidant wouldn’t do so that’s just it. It’s gotta be that combo. I have been in therapy over a year myself and just put the focus on myself and my kids. I also have followed Josh Hudson’s structure and between you two. Man. Thanks a million man. I want to give back with what I have learned !
Although the terms "anxious attachment" and "avoidant attachment" are used, I find they can sometimes be a bit misleading since both are really about responding to anxiety-they just deal with it in opposite ways. "Anxious attachment" people tend to overreact to or are overwhelmed by anxiety. "Avoidant attachment" people tend to under-react to anxiety or try to avoid feeling anxious through suppression, procrastination, etc. After all, for someone to constantly avoid dealing with things, there has to be an underlying anxiety and fear. I've developed a mutual attraction from a distance with a guy I presume to be avoidant as he has been delaying anything from developing between us. Yet he appears to be laidback, relaxed, confident, etc. but that's only when he's in control of the situation. When he's caught off guard, such as when he thinks he might be losing me to someone else or if I don't show interest in him, I've seen him panic, react with fear and anxiety or flee the situation.
you contradict yourself, lol, saying "secure people have made themselves immune to people pulling away" yet earlier claim people who come here *were* "secure" but became anxious *because of* DAs seems like a ticky line to walk that's somewhat understandably directed by appeasing your largest demographic who tend to prefer to have their part in problematic patterns diminshed DAs definitely are understandably super sensitive to indications of anxious attachment & far more attracted to secure people with their own lives which are why they can naturally be great partners for those interested in self development they won't enable codependency which on the surface makes them a horrible match for most anxious attachments but it seems many derive a different satisifaction of making the DA a scapegoat & playing the perpetual victim
My avoidant ex told me one day that one of her best qualities is that she is loyal. I almost laughed in her face (a couple of weeks before she broke up with me) because I saw evidence of her cheating multiple times and she lied about it to my face. After a while, I was just there for a warm body.
I let go of an avoidant. They sent me a passive-aggressive email baiting me to respond 3 years after complete silence from my end and numerous attempts on their end trying to connect with me through various means and me blocking them on all accounts.
The existence of this video scares me--"Learn how to make an avoidant want you." No one should want an avoidant to want them. The more avoidant you are, the more of a narcissist you are--any NPD person is THE MOST avoidant, which is why it's pointless to be in a relationship with them. Anyone with an insecure attachment who isn't working on themselves is someone ya probably aren't going to have a successful relationship with.
Yea..cat and mouse game. Life is too short. And that avoidant never going to see your true value. Dhey running. They have no time to be curious about you. Let it go. Don't waste time. 🎉
I watched this as the anxious guy missing an avoidant ex woman and I'm sorry on behalf of male nature, but maybe they came back bc she lost 30 lbs and it's not about "finding one's self" as a woman
You need to detach from the outcome and fill your own heart with love . Heal your own wounded child . Then you can be secure enough for an avoidant to open up to you .
If I understand it correctly, you must accept the idea of losing them and work only on yourself if you want them back. But how much time you have to wait for their return?
Chris, My ex of 10 months always views my stories, sometimes almost immediately. He ignores me otherwise. I wrote to him the other day to congratulate him on something but no response. My question is why does he constantly view me but otherwise be rude, cold and ignore me?
I just realized that for a few days i was seriously contemplating breaking things off once and for all. I actually started envisioning my life without him. The next time i spoke with him, he shocked me with asking something he had never asked before... "do you miss me?" I was glad he was speaking to me over the phone... i was so shocked my mouth fell open... i was caught completely off guard. Wth is it with these people??? I believe in energy and I'm often trying to contain my energy around him... dont want him knowing how much i love him... how i miss him so much and how i wish we would see each other more often.... :-(
I have learned from you,,, I am the """avoidant""" in my life 😂😬😞 . We are not horrible humans. We just get overwhelmed with to much attention and love. 😅
If you're with an avoidant and emotionally stressed, then you're not secure yourself, so work on yourself to become secure, and you won't find yourself stuck in the cycle. Are you sure your audience isn't more anxious attatchment instead of secure attachment?
I so wish i could speak to an expert on this have kinda been struggling for about 5 months with this. I would of said i was secure but this person made me extremely anxious. I went no contact for my own good obviously not long enough when i spoke to them again they seemed anxious but now they're flat out ignoring me.
@@PuddyKatMan apparently not. he did do another video on avoidant women and other youtubers have also done the same, their behaviours whilst do overlap, there are still some differerences.
@@Daniel-Deshaun “..the only way she will heal is if she loses me permanently.” That is some real stuff right there. Self-respect on 1000% and also knowing that you are her will be better with others. Nothing but respect for you, my man.
Tidas just fucked over so badly by her narcissistic avoidant, that she wanted her power back so much, that it triggered a short term manic episode (happens with extremely toxic partners) - explains the sudden weight loss journey and makeover. It breaks you and makes you into an entirely different person.
I give them love -> they're overwhelmed and run -> I pull back and ignore them -> they miss me and need my love -> I give them love -> the cycle repeats
IRENE you have no idea of the synchronicity behind this moment. This video sees my 2 worlds converge - Attachment theory & Invisible connexions. And then when it ends the very first message I see is yours. You have the same name as my DA. I look at your page and boom. My 3rd universe. And out of all songs you had to showcase Song for Someone.
Cheers from Paris 🙏🙏🙏
Now you must do an Invisible cover...
@luketimewalker omg this was so long ago I even forgot I have a cover 😀
now it's a sign for me to start doing what I love instead of focusing on other people! 🙏🏻
@@ireneirene5476 exhausting right? I feel you lady bug🤗
@@ireneirene5476 you kinda look like Bono's secret daughter!
I sing his songs.
100% I was in a 5 yesr related with my Avoidant, and have been broke up for 5, but he has never gone away. I learned in the last 3 years, to let him go and be silent. It took him 3 months in the beginning to come back, but now, its like 5-7 days, as he knows Im good being without him. He does zero work on himself and I cant change him i just love him from afar or when he's close, but have always been open to dating, which I do and thats his biggest fesr, no doubt, that I will replace him if the right man comes into my life. I love him truly, but can not fix him. He will always cone back 100%.
I think something we dont discuss much is how years of dating DAs and a few narcissists in between turns you more and more avoidant. It is infectious.
It definitely has made me more careful. I dated two Dismissive Avoidants after being married for 20 years to a Covert Narcissist ex wife. She actually may be Overt. In any case, I am recovering from the last DA, working on myself and overhauling my entire approach to dating and relationships.
Dude. That's the one thing no one discusses.
I'm not entirely sure it is infectious, as much as it is just you getting traumatized by their actions. And that gives you trust issues (which makes you a bit more like them).
Avoidants normally don’t do much for anyone but themselves. They are self made and feel they don’t need anyone. So why do we love avoidants? Because we are rescuers. Let them go. No contact. Let their pain dictate their reality. Their pain will force them to change. And when they return, make sure you set some boundaries.
True
A+
Make sure the door is closed when they return
@ that’s always been the hard part. He always comes back. But this time I’m really done unless he’s coming back saying that he’s in deep therapy and healing and that he is committed to working on this and actually wants to be with me and show up for me. And I don’t see that happening.
💯👍
I’ve been with an avoidant for about 3 years, I am starting to understand this people is just not ready to love until they fix this. This is overwhelming for anyone, we don’t have to understand them or try to manipulate them by becoming cold in order for them to show attention back to us. We just have to understand ourselves and the reason why we’re trying to save people when they’re the only ones that can save themselves.
Best comment ever.
I played this game with my husband for 37 years.
For the first time, I was the one discarding him.
I went no contact and had a nervous breakdown borderline stroke.
My body is broken, but I'm working on myself and started to feel better.
I'm working out, meet my own needs, put my body back together slowly with chiropractors and acupuncturist.
I even got the strength to get a haircut and a facial.
I lost weight, and I'm fit. And I moved 4 hours away.
Today I had to stop by the house to pick up much needed relaxation tinctures and neuro supplements, which he brought for me from the US....we moved to a different country...
He looked pitiful and I looked healthy and radiant.
I dont know how I made it from the broken 60 yo from 2 months ago.
But I'm a force of nature...always had been.
I felt sorry for him. Yes, if course I love him. He is my husband for 37 years and the father of my 2 boys. But I felt more pity for him than love.
So I got a small victory today which I'm putting myself on the back.
I know it won't last. The emotional roller-coaster is real.
But I'm so determined to detach and rebuild like I had never been before.
So I'll continue caring for me, love me...all things me.
God had carried me through this, I could have never made it without him!
Of course, I'll see him again because we have properties to divide, etc.
But I learned one thing today...he will never manipulate me or pull me into the pathological cycle again.
Cheers to us🎉❤
They can easily avoid you because you’re not the one.
The pull away method works temporarily, because it hurts their ego. People want what they can’t have. Once they get what they want, they avoid again because you’re not the one.
The right one for you will love your presence, and will enjoy your company. You’ll never have to wonder where you stand.
Have some self respect and cut ties once you see them avoiding/ignoring you. They’re just not that into you, and it’s ok to walk away. Life is too short to allow yourself be breadcrumbed by someone who doesn’t want you.
I always have said about my x partner:
"He was my greatest Teacher! I will always be, for ever grateful, for the Lessons, becouse they turned into my greatest Blessings!" Thank you, for bringing me, full circle, back to me! Xoxo...forever, but never again!
As painful as my experience with my ex was, I agree with what you wrote. I've learned some very valuable lessons, I believe, I was meant to learn. 🙏🙌👍
Just over 200 days. I'm feeling so much better. While I still care for her, I am so emotionally exhausted from the last 6 months. I could care less what she's doing. I am feeling highly motivated to work on projects again, go out, work out, and feeling much less anxious. Kind of how I felt in the beginning of the relationship. I will never chase again. Thanks, Chris, for making these videos. I owe you a coffee!
Get you power back!
This sound so much like the relationship that I'm in... Except add in I'm in a long distance relationship comma and she was awesome in the first three months, flirty, sexy, all about me and then something started to change, after a trip we took when she asked me out at the airport. Since then I became anxious, I felt her pulling back and now she openly admits that she is in the avoidance mindset, and it's been a struggle for me every day since and I don't know what to do anymore
And yet you’re on yt commenting about her, you clearly still care
Same here. Will never EVER chase again! Done with this insanity.
@@unaa9380well yeah, wouldn’t you? We don’t care enough to reach out but we are still learning what the f we dealt with.
First step is stop watching these type of videos trying to understand them 😅
Tbh. It helped me a lot bc I realized there’s not much I could do. It’s more about understanding yourself than them
I disagree. Always better to seek to understand....both yourself and your relationship partner to make better sense of what is really going on. Then you can make more informed decisions as to what to do.
@@FredSeiterI think the point was that watching these videos isn’t going to help anyone get an avoidant back. They ultimately want indifference. Indifferent people aren’t watching these videos.
Stay secure and don't expect they will come back different. They lack of empathy and this is hard to change. They are still the same. If they come, it's just for grabbing attention from you not because they will take you now as equal partner but giving you just breadcrumbs to bite the hook. Move on, there is another even better person just around the corner waiting for you in next days after you cut them off. Try ...
😊
They are the most selfish people, even more than narcissists.
Yes
avoidants don't lack empathy, who told you that?
Because all those so called avoidants are just narcs
Has anyone else had a phase with a DA where you KNEW when they were about to call or text? I’ve wakened with a jolt and found she had just sent me a text and my phone was on silent no vibrate. Some kind of weird telepathy. Some times just a knowing she was about to call. The first agonizing 2 week silent treatment and breakup destroyed that link and I never got it back. It was eery AF
Yes!! Or we'd text each other at the same time.
Yes!! It was so weird but it happened to me and this was after 7-8+ months of ghosting me, blocking me but not on social media which I thought was weird as well
Yes ! What is that?! It scares me
Yes! This has happened to me. Had my phone on do not disturb then went to sleep. Suddenly had a jolt to wake up & check my phone ~ lo & behold he texted me wanting to see me!
When we started dating, I saw things about his life and would ask him if this or that happened. One time, I saw an event so specific and detailed, he looked at me seemingly in shock and asked, "How'd you know that?" I don't know how I knew all those things. I saw them like a movie scene and he's not on social media so there would have been no way for me to research it or look it up. There were multiple visions like that. They come as a daydream would but it ends up being specific to the individual. I don't think he knew what to make of it. Even years later when he "accidentally" called me, I told him I'd imagined he'd moved out to the country and he actually had. There would have been no way for me to know that either. I'm no longer mesmerized by that connection. That gift or ability is not dependent on him and I'd rather it be invested in those who have a generous spirit like I do. I'm over the givers getting with the takers. Life is hard enough. We should stick to our own kind on that one, frfr. 😊
This is just freakin insane!!! What is wrong with these people?! I'm so emotionally exhausted and heartbroken. I don't think I could fall in love ever again.
Leave, take time for yourself, focus on yourself, these type of relationships aren't worth it.
Don't demonize them. I understand you're hurt. I'm Going through it rn. From all the videos I've watched of therapist, Dr's, relationship coaches, etc, recently there is hope. You have to pick up the pieces and work on you, your boundaries, and spotting red and green flags. Must of their trauma, attachment disfunctions, coping mechanisms, and unmet needs come from childhood that snowballs into adulthood. They don't realize it and do it subconsciously. Time and distance heals. Trust me. The more you understand why they are the way they are you realize it has little to do with you. I hope you heal your heart. You will be ok. You will love again. What's meant for you will make is way to you. Focus on the gain of yourself back and not the loss of a person. I'm using this advice now.
same... haha
@afifarahman7044
The thing is that I can't let go!! I love him so much and I really don't know why anymore! I've tried breaking up with him when he gives me the silent treatment, but he won't just say "we're done", I've told him to block me on social media, but he won't. I can't do it myself, because it makes it so final. 😭💔
@vickyferreira3259 that's why you need to do it. Do it to make it final on your terms. It's going to hurt. It's going to suck. It in the end, you WILL be ok :)
You have to figure out if it didn't work out why do you still love him. What is it in you that it's triggering. Abandonment? Rejection? Intimacy
? Once you understand yourself better, it will be simpler. It's not going to be easy to move on. But to break this negative lop cycle you are in, you must do it for your own healing.
My avoidant wife, who is scared to open up to me. Is trying really hard, to let go.
She feels that connecting with me, means losing her core self. She logically understands, that we are both missing out. But making the leap, of being vulnerable is so hard.
It’s like standing on the highest cliff, and diving into the water.
🩵
Get her to read No Bad Parts and learn how to heal...@@PetitHibou72
Yes, when you let go, when you leave they come back but at what cost? The moment you get attached again, they leave, they start pulling away. So what's the point anyway? You are just gonna get hurt again. We can't just keep repeating this cycle
Make them bump their head enough times against your boundaries... That way if they want it (your love) they have to change themselves or they're not going to get it. They don't just get to access it without doing things properly; there are standards involved.
Most Avoidants are Narcissists!
Period!!!!! 👏🏽
I am not playing that chase game.
They are different but avoidants can still break you into pieces and throw you in the trash. Major diffs is that narcs are entitled user-exploiters and can mess with your ability to listen to your gut, they throw you off completely with that. On the other hand, avoidants aren't entitled and boundaries work with avoidants. The motives for discard are different to narcissists. Knowing which you are dealing with helps to know what to do. Boundaries with a narc won't work. Unmasking a narc is dangerous.. avoidants don't have that issue.
Bullshit! That word is so over used. Do your own work and get out of victim mentality.
By all means, don't chase. But do know that every single person on the planet has the capacity to be avoidant given the right context. Including you.
No, they are not the same at all. They can co-exist but don’t assume your avoidant partner is a narcissist. I made this mistake. They are not bad people but I am not chasing.
@vivianwaozor3726 I believe the same thing. They are Covert Narcissists. Screw the intent. The outcome of being with them is the same as one with a narc. I wouldn’t dare date another one of these demons. My DA ex gf was enough.
This is all false. 100% work on yourself and move on. I've had several avoidants, and ultimately, they leave, and after a year, they find a way back into your life, and then they pull away again. A secure person wouldn't accept this type of behavior. You are only a source e of validation, nothing else.
So... in order to have them want you, you have to not want them anymore......................
no, you have to be willing to lose them. You have to be self reliant. independent from their approval or validation. No one should have the ability to effect you but anxious person puts all that responsibility on the dismissive avoidant and they dont want that
@@milarepa1234567
Such A Toxic Cycle!
@@Pxrish exactly
"........" is right. This is crazy!
@@Pxrish Ok, then why aren't they really attracted to other dismissive avoidants? According to your logic that would be the perfect relationship dynamic.
When I just said the words "letting go" in a text to my avoidant he freaked out? And then immediately called me....i didn't answer... That day anyway. Next thing i knew, I'm getting rapid responses to my texts , multiple texts a day, he initiated texts for a whole day, trying to make small talk...i hate that it feels like A game. I'm a GROWN A** WOMAN!! Sooo tired of playing this school yard game.. Yet i still long for him. 🙄😒. I finally wrote and sent a letter to him that i know for sure is gonna send him running for the hills (it's very emotional and sentimental but also calling him out on his shenanigans in a very kind but clear way.) Ha! Take THAT!😂 So NOW he will do the leaving for me since i appear to not be strong enough to just leave on my own. Writing the letter gave me peace and acceptance. And now I can focus on me because i KNOW he won't be reaching out.
lmaoo, feels like a relief now, but what if he comes back and says he's changed and working on himself?
I did the same, lol. Now he left again. He would came back for 2 months, then disappear for 3 months. It’s a cycle for him, like a seasonal bird 😂.
@@HY-td8ru oh please don't tell me that! 🙄😂 I just hope I'm strong enough to resist should he try to jump back into a cycle like that with me... I'm going to have to get busy making a new connection some kind of way. 😁
@@afifarahman7044 gurl! 😂 I don't even know! No actually I do, I will be much more articulate about what I need and what I will not accept if he's going to get my energy and my attention. And if he has an attitude about that or gives me resistance to it or acts as if I'm giving him an ultimatum then I won't even have to make a decision he will have made it again for me. But it really depends on how much time passes! I ain't going to lie 😂😂
If it's a couple of weeks after I send this letter, 😬I dunno😆 I'm going to do my level best to resist the temptation. But if enough time passes, and the fog of him lifts from my brain, I may no longer see him the same way that I see him today and unfortunately I will be confirming all his fears about people leaving and abandoning him. But my letter makes it painfully clear to him that it was him who made the decision and not me and that he is the reason people leave people don't abandon him He makes them leave. So fingers crossed...
@@afifarahman7044 guuurrrlll... I don't even know if I'm being honest ... But I guess it would depend on how soon that happens... If not too much time has passed and I still feel strongly for him, I will be very articulate about what I need and what I will and will not deal with in terms of him pushing and pulling. And depending on his response... But if enough time has passed, and the fog of him has left my mind such that I no longer see him the way that I see him today, I'm pretty sure I will not be swayed to go back. And what's sad about that is I know I will feel guilty because I will be confirming his fear of abandonment and his views that people leave. But one thing I made clear in my letter to him was that people don't just leave that he pushes people away forcing people to leave. That nobody chooses to abandon him. And that he needs to accept that. Whether or not he will again... I don't know. But I have thought about your question and thank you for posing it to me. 🙂
Well, almost 3 months passed. Every day I am more focused on myself, do a things I usually did with my ex or stopped doing long time ago. I sometimes have this feeling of flow, and realizing it makes me so happy, that I can enjoy life without someone in it.
So yes, there’s a two parts of healing that actually work: time and focusing on yourself.
But I still miss her sometimes, ngl. But that’s not so hurtful anymore.
once you give up , they feel your energy gone, they start to come back around, she initiated a text session yesterday , and today sent me a pic of our dog. you become more attractive
And when you start getting close, they'll be gone again. You're only attractive when you're far away.
@@thedanfernando i think the key is to act like you do not want a commitment anymore. i do realize they get hot and cold and i hate that
Mine shut down since November and has been silent even since. Do we totally ignore them and be cold to them or just be friendly if we see them around during this period of time? I don't really know how to respond when I see her around.
@@eugenechan6048 I would suggest stop wasting time overthinking about them. Because when you encounter them,they are totally indifferent as if nothing happened. So do what you find appropriate at that particular moment. And focus on yourself.
@@eugenechan6048 be polite but not over do it, and do not ask what she has been doing or to come back dont say you love and miss her , they feel forced and independence lost. let her come to you , and if not leave it alone, go no contact
In my experience avoidance always come back. To try to find the same person and live through that whole experience so they can leave again
Big big facts
I always hear this about avoidance but I also hear they slow fade til they gone completely so which is it? 🤔 Does it depend on If they're a FA or DA?? What if you no contact & they messaged you & you don't reply what happens then?
@@afrolessninja There's no clear-cut answer.. it just depends on the person. If you don't reply you can give it like a week and see if they double text. If not, up to you if you want to respond then I would definitely assert your boundaries and requirements
Also because they suck at relationships and it’s easier, and less emotionally risky, to go back to an old one than to keep getting rejected by new ones
Yep it's all energy! They will come back if you don't care and make yourself your priority. Mine did came back for around 6 times. Until the last time i broke all contact. Removed him from social media. Because i don't want this cicle anymore for myself.
Every boyfriend I've ever had has tried to get back with me too. Not all of them were avoidants though, a couple were. I've always been a 1 gal kind of guy, so cheaters=bye forever. Found myself a secure attachment style guy and been with him nearly 19 years, very happy and so glad to have found out what I don't want in my late teens/early twenties.
How did you find that secure
She should work on why she always dates avoidants
If she sure only dating, the majority of people out there are avoidants. They get recycled back into the dating pool faster because they relationship hop a lot. Anxious next. Secures don’t really stay in the dating market long.’
Yeah. I can tell within a month whether someone is an anxious or avoidant. If they're an avoidant... goodbye!
Good job, Thida. But I have a question... why would you even want your DA man back?
My experience with DA is ... you can't lose what you never had. You never have a true relationship with a DA.
He couldn't find no one else better
Bc no ones gonna put up with this type of behaviors.
So , you have to be with them but should not have your own needs met..sounds like self torture to me. So normal people must change, the avoidant doesn't have to work on him/her self and also change ? Nah it's okay..they should date another avoidant instead
I am a secure male, and I found myself becoming anxious with my DA when she started pulling away. I already know that I can’t fix anybody but myself so I had to reassess and emotionally detach and focus on myself and when I did, she came back.
Is the relationship any better or same old 💩?
@ it’s just like we picked up where we left off at
Am I missing something? Why would someone want an emotionally ill person "obsessed" and coming back?
Exactly
I question if people project onto the DA who they want them to be instead of simply witnessing who they choose to be as a grown person. Once you see yourself as being no less important than they are in your own life, that projection won't have a hold over you any longer. That attention, intention and energy will no longer be futilely misdirected outward. Insightful video, Chris! Thanks! ❤
It's common for relationships to encounter obstacles, but there is always a solution. My own marriage faced considerable issues, but with appropriate guidance, my husband and I worked through them and deepened our connection. Solutions are achievable if you're ready to work together. Stay hopeful-there's always a way forward.
Parting with someone you love is always a challenging process, but in my experience, I had the guidance of a spiritual guide who prevented my marriage from collapsing. His name is Father Akunna.
I promise you will not regret it.
Relationships must be reciprocal to work , there must be respect and each party should have their own boundaries set up as well ❤🙏
I love this and her. ❤ She's so right. I legit just wrote on another channel that instead of staying in a state of anger or bitterness over someone who doesn't want us, turn that pain into making yourself and your life amazing. Energy IS real and that is the type of energy people want to be around. Positive, self-sufficient, independent and confident people attract everyone from all attachment styles and more importantly it makes you feel more fulfilled and you can learn to meet your own needs.
Avoidants definitely feel anxious energy and it's the opposite of what we want around us. That's where I don't relate to other avoidants because I won't date an anxious man whereas I think men will date anxious women all day because of physical attraction or other needs getting met. Then when the anxiousness starts they pull away. I just don't bother in the first place.
Focus on making your best life happen and anyone who doesn't align with your awesomeness will not be as attractive to you. You won't want to poison a life you worked hard to build. I have a self-aware DA partner and as a self-aware FA, we work and grow more secure together as the years go on so it was nice that Chris recognizes this can and does happen. ❤
I visited my avoidant gf (we live about 2 hours apart) and when I was there I got an extra key so I could come and go as I pleased while she was at work. When I left to go back home, she was at work and I forgot to put the key in her mail box. This triggered her so much, she didn't want to wait until the next weekend when she was coming to visit me, so the day after, she took the train for two hours just to get the key back. I told her I had no plans to use it, but the thought of me having a key and therefor control over her safe space was eating her up inside. I have known she's an avoidant person for a while now and when she came to pick up the key, Insaid that I was sorry I forgot and that I know how important her independence is to her. This calmed her down immediately and everything was fine after that. The problem is that now I believe she is seeing someone and was afraid I would show up when he was there. So basically, I was respectful towards her by calming her down while at the same time she didn't show any empathy to explain why that key was so important she couldn't wait for a week to get it back. That's just one of many stories I have from being with an avoidant girl that makes me anxious while she is being respected. If you're in love with an avoidant person, be prepared to experience a very unbalanced relationship. Mostly it's the avoidant that controls everything. But if you have patience and a lot of empathy, you won't become bitter. You just have to know that they are like this because of trauma from a difficult childhood. My gf had a very cold and controlling mom who could bully her, while her dad was loving and friendly. So she's a tomboy who have mostly men friends. I'm fine with that. I know she's not comfortable with women because of her mom. Both her sisters came out as gay in their teens. Her mom hates me and I noticed how she knew she couldn't control me, like the others the moment I first met her. So if you have a kid below 5 now, remember how important those years are and just shower them w love. Then you won't create another avoidant into this world.
Just want to ad one more example. I went through a depression recently that lasted for about a month. Mostly because of her and how I forget myself in this relationship. During that month she was very annoyed and kept her distance while she showered her friend at work with empathy and concern (talked about him every day to me) because he was going through a rough divorce. I finally told her I was sad she didn't show that kind of empathy for me, but that didn't go very well. She stone walled me for about a month after that. Yes it will seem to others like I'm in love with a stone cold psychopath, but I have learned that when I need love and attention, I have to do some sort of action and never tell her in words. It's a very tricky game they play but it's all about avoiding closeness and feelings. They have to believe they come up with being empathetic by themselves. You actually have to trick them to get what u want and never tell them what you are doing. Then they know they are being played and they lose control and will most likely be unfaithful, hurt you in some sneaky way to get revenge when u least expect it or stonewall you for weeks.
Thanks for sharing! Are you planning on staying with her as you assume she's seeing someone else?
Are you trying to convince us or yourself that those tips work? Do you see yourself doing these tricks for months for someone that is not exclusive? For a woman that doesn't seem to meet your needs (whether or not she wants to)? You seem to have a lot of empathy and you deserve a relationship that doesn't induce depressive symptoms. You deserve a supportive partner and I hope you realise it and act accordingly.
Right… she sounds narcissistic.
My experience after wasting 3 years of my life with an avoidant is THEY excel at avoidance, but fall apart when avoided. Walk away and keep on walking. Set them free to wallow in their selfishness.
This! You MUST let them go and the price of their going is that they stay out of your life.
So very true! The first thing I had to go through was acceptance and then knowing that nothing is wrong with me BUT also knowing that I need to work on my self to be a better person. So I started working on my self...mental security and stability is very important nowadays in the so chaotic and fast pace world we are living in!
Soooo, self love, self confidence and actually have and living a life that does not revolve around “hooking up” is the key? Hmmm🧐 Teets is a stand alone , Groundbreaking genius ! Jaykayyy. I agree and support this message! Cutting them off completely is the ultimately what has to happen if they can’t grow up / with you . Good luck, yall! ♥️
Stupid question.... but do you tell them you're letting go & focusing on yourself? Or do you just go NC & hope they figure this out?
I just went NC, & I accepted the feelings as they came & then one day, I was just obsessing over her, & I did a meditation picturing her saying she loves me, in hopes to get her back & I pictured where we were, the wine we were drinking, the color of the couch, every detail, & when she turned to me & told me “I love you so much”, I realized I couldn’t say it back, I was then finally able to let go & focus on myself, & really not give a crap if she loved me back or not. You can tell them, but it’s probably better if you just go NC, shows strength.
You just answered your own question, they'll know you're doing that when you STOP focusing on them. Don't communicate what you're going to do, just do it on your own and they'll get curious and find out when you stop initiating.
I lived w an avoidant gf for years and I got really depressed and lost myself. Then one day, I decided I had to leave her. I packed all my stuff, rented a van and moved out while she was at work. Then I blocked her on the phone and all mail and social media. After three months, she called my best friend and cried, saying she wanted me back. I never contacted her and I have a new gf and am happy. My ex wrote me a letter saying she was in therapy and listed everything she was regretting. I threw the letter in the garbage. Someone else will have to deal with her. I'm done.
You go no contact. They’ll eventually reach out to “check in” like you’re Kevin from Home Alone. They’ll be able to see your indifference.
Been ghosted a few times by the same person so I said f this. Completely detached and funny enough they texted back after 2 months. Involuntarily ghosted the ghoster lol. Although mentally painlful, I’m grateful for the experience bc now I’m better equipped to let go of anyone not reciprocating my love and care ❤ Loving myself first always
After a year of intense push pull she now claims she never felt anything for me. Never led me on, even when I let her go she start texting me late at night pulling back in. Do avoidants blatantly lie about their feelings and just rewrite history? Feels like I’m being gaslighted.
Some of them do, I think it's a part of them suppressing and avoiding their feelings. Either way, you deserve better. ❤️
Excellent article on Medium. Go search "Narcisissts don't lie, they create alternate realities."
@@AFKDINOSAURI hope I find better.
@MrSamIAm39 You will, just keep focusing on yourself, do the work, heal, and you'll get there. 🙏
I think narcissists definitely do. My ex husband did the same after an 18 year marriage where we were best friends for at least 10 of those years and now he's rewriting history saying we were never good together, he was never going to make me happy, we were never a good match, yada yada 🙄 this is how he justifies why he didn't bother to fight for us when things started to go south (he gave up, not me)
Are we supposed to want them back? I broke up with my Avoidant/ BPD/ Covert Narc, and I went total no contact. I blocked him on all social media, and he has not reached out to me. It's been 5 months. I'm glad he never reached out at this point because if he had earlier I think I would have caved in. The space gave me time to heal and realize I deserve so much better. I'm glad he never reached out. 🙏
😊
I think I really needed this video. And I really needed this video right now
The thing about women who are Dissmissive they talk about Good vibes & staying away from bad Vibes. When they are the one that also create these bad vibes sending to a guy. What do I mean? Well, if she being Dissmissive not TXT back & ignore you when you are giving her good vibes she giving back bad vibes she is being rude lack of respect & so on...She will not see that way unless you tell her she is being rude.
Can you make a video about how they feel if you block them? Cause I did and I’m not unblocking. It’s been a month
Simple: only block them if you don’t want them back
people need to understand that avoidants prioritize their freedom. If you block us, you are drama in our mind. Letting go of drama= freedom. You blocking us almost give us a sense of relief. Next, we know we can’t do anything about a block so it just it makes it easier for us to forget you
@@emilycooper6614 interesting but why didn’t he have a distraction for the previous 2 years he was already separated then? He claims he only had casual encounters until he met me. Why put all that effort in one person while he had many chances to do that for 2 years before and didn’t? It seemed we had something special that wasn’t easy to find for him (nor me). Yes maybe blocking is a power move but it’s me taking my energy back to myself. So avoidants don’t even miss others? Then what was said in this video wouldn’t be true because avoidants would just avoid and not be thinking about anyone. But anyway if he has forgotten about me then whatever I’m never going to unblock anyway. I guess the only way out of this would be if life puts us in the same place again abd we casually meet and have to talk. Otherwise it’s over. It’s funny he would think I’m being dramatic when I’m showing I can stick to my decision. I’m not going to unblock. If anything it’s avoidants who push good people away not the other way around. It’s them who are dramatic with the mental gymnastics they do to avoid pain.
@@lucia4836 just remember all avoidants are different. This is how I handle situations with being blocked. Your ex may be different. Blocking creates a negative emotion for me so how do I handle that? I move on and forget about the person pretty quickly.
@ well if that’s the case with him so be it. I blocked as a consequence of him making me waste my time which also caused a negative emotion in me. If anything at least he now knows I wasn’t going let him play with my time. If he doesn’t regret he’s got more to lose than I do. I’m still young, attractive and professional with no baggage… he did this to himself in my opinion. Good luck to him. I do miss him some days like when I saw this video. And I admit if I saw him I’d probably have a wave of emotions flowing. But I’m not going to open any doors. I even moved to a new apartment after it ended. He doesn’t even know where I am. If we somehow meet again it will be destiny. If he doesn’t do anything crazy to see me like through my business (which I’m almost sure he wouldn’t) then it’s just over. If he doesn’t care to lose me forever then why would I care… honestly. I’m not numb emotionally like you are but because I was so abandoned many times I can accept some people just don’t want to be in my life and I have no problem shining on my own. I do hope at some point you try working on this if you want to eventually be in a loving relationship (if you aren’t).
This is a thing i’ve been doing in real life lately, when im offering help at work down to someone breaking up with u. I’ve been rewarding people with their own words if u don’t want help or want to break up, then alright.
I relate a lot with Thida in the sense of working on herself and seeing growth she probably wouldn’t have seen. At this point I’m not worried about her coming back truthfully, I’m just happy I finally see my direction again
I really enjoyed the visual explanation brother good video!!
I truly needed to hear this.
I am on a journey of discovery and self love and improvement.
Just went through this and I have never felt so much anxiety .
Notice the word “ observe “ …… really important you will “ work “ with this concept the rest of your life bec we are always observing and it’s powerful
It’s around the 13 min mark / and 1 plus 3 is 4 and 4 is a door .
Actions over words ❤
I'm in a situation where my ex just contacted me after 6 months of no contact. I tried to talk to her about what went wrong and she said, "that was so long ago I don't even remember what happened." She has absolutely no desire to talk about it and won't give me the chance to set boundaries. She just wants to pick up where we left off. We all know it's time for me to cut and run, but damn, it's so hard to do. I promised myself that I will break the pattern this time!
She remembers.
I became secure after 12 months of hell trying to win over a female D/A. I managed to grow the relationship to the point she was coming to my home and went in a week long trip with me. But I haven’t gotten out of the friend zone that I put myself in when I didn’t understand her and waiting too long to flirt and get sexual. I removed myself from her friend zone by telling her I wasn’t interested in being a friend, romance only. When I let go, I found deep and profound peace. She has been texting and calling me again despite boundaries and I can’t push her away, I still deeply want her. No idea how to move this forward but I am now at peace.
Propose her if she can manage to be 100% different now by her actions not just by words then maybe and also no Friend Zone but sex. If not, bye bye lady. Next her.
I can relate. You will have to be strong and think that maybe you still love her because you are an avoidant too? It may be you're doing the phantom ex thing. Talk to someone close to you and try to figure out why u have these feelings for her. We who fall in love with toxic girls tend to have some weird issues with one of our parents.
I needed this Chris, thank you 🙏🏼 something finally clicked
Will an avoidant not want to give you straight answers? Like if you ask them a question they will try not to answer and make it seem like you’re trying to start an argument?
I actually changed the avoidant's name to a nickname "N.A.S.A" Never A Straight Answer 😂. There was a lot of word salad but he'd never give an actual straight answer to even the most simple questions. I quickly discovered that it's not worth the effort, time, energy, or heartache. Best of luck! 🙏
@ I broke up with him. Was too much for me to cope with. There wasn’t any affection or attention for me but he expected it. I tried for nearly 2 years to try to get him to understand my needs! Sometimes it was like I didn’t even exist! Never again!!
@@nicolasenikxy6306 🙏 stay strong and be proud of yourself for recognising that you deserve better than that! ❤️
Thanks for this informative video. Just keep in mind that you live your life with a myriad of invisible things that affect your life every day...
Are avoidance typically promiscuous?
Promiscuity can be any attachment. I have anxious and avoidant friends who have slept with many.
Yes
My ex DA gf is. Unfortunately, she caught The Gift That Keeps On Giving.
You really have to let go.
Pretending to let go will not have the same outcome, and that's where the problem is.
Your last sentence nailed it! What they say vs what they really want...
You should watch New World All Star Kurt’s channel, he legit approaches this thing energetically… but calls it twin flames. Same exact thing though. I do believe it’s all energy. And this happens when you create a connection.
A couple years ago I started my first job. I had met a guy (my coworker), who I really genuinely liked to talk to. We were both going through breakups when we met, but I was a little more eager to move on than he was. A few months passed, I quit that job (COVID), and I was becoming increasingly more obsessed with him, I would watch his music playing on Spotify, and I used to think until recently that; me seeing his birthday numbers and phone number, was a sign that I still had a chance with him. It had all come to a head a year or so later when I had asked if we could be more vulnerable with each other, and he ghosted me pretty hardcore. despite that fact, I fell into a deep snowballing drift, that almost iced me over, and I might have repeated the cycle another 10 times had I not discovered your channel. The last time I spoke to him was in person like 14 months ago, and I haven't heard nor wanted to from him in like 2 months.
I do believe I had an anxious obsessive attachment to him, and he has an avoidant attachment. At this point, I'm not even sure he would remember me.
Is it worth all the trouble of coping with endless push-pull cycles? Can someone please explain why it's worth doing this over and over for years?
I pulled back and ignored him for nearly 10 months. He didn’t give a shit. I broke no contact recently and he couldn’t even be fucked texting back. Why bother asking me out and asking me if I wanted a relationship and telling me how much he cares and then doing a Houdini. I’ve gone crazy most of this year. I’m absolutely heartbroken. I don’t know how to refocus on me. I’d love to but I’m pretty fucked up over this.
Avoidants need to get secure. Don't entertain them until they do
That's the reason why you don't go back because they say they want this or that and it's just a play to get you back and soon back to their old self thank God for growth that you work on yourself
Going back to them starts the cycle over. You MUST stay with them out of your life.
This is excellent!!! Thanks for sharing 😊
I’m going through something incredibly painful but profound with my ex, who I believe is avoidant. She self-sabotaged our relationship, not because she didn’t care, but because the depth of her feelings for me likely scared her. I think she felt a love she had never experienced before, but instead of leaning into it, she pulled away. Her fear of vulnerability, combined with the guilt of her actions, created a cycle of avoidance and detachment.
Now, months later, it seems she’s experiencing what I’ve come to understand as an emotional reckoning-a process where avoidance stops working, and all the feelings she’s suppressed start surfacing. It’s heartbreaking to watch from a distance, knowing she regrets what happened and still cares, but she’s terrified of facing her emotions or reaching out. It’s like she’s stuck on the edge of clarity, resisting the breakthrough that could help her process everything.
I’ve seen videos on attachment styles and avoidance, but no one really talks about this reckoning stage-the point where avoidant behaviors stop providing relief and emotions become unavoidable. If anyone has insights or has been through something similar, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
How do you know what she is experiencing? Just a hunch or you got mutual friends from who you get info? Social media cues? Also how did you guys breakup? What were her reasons? How long are you separated? Doing no contact? Did you contact at all? Did she?
I have similar story with my ex. Everything was going great and I saw for few days every symptom of a girl falling for me that I experienced in the past with others. Next thing you know she wants to break up claiming that at times she wants to give birth to my children and at next that she doesn't know if she feels anything towards me. I reassured her that she acts out of fear and that everything is going fine, but if she wants to go she can. She stayed and thanked me for being logical one and seemed happy with the way I carried myself. This was about month and half in.
Ofc this didn't last long and she ended up breaking up with me ( we just entered 4thmonth of rl) claiming she don't have feelings and that this should be the best phase of relationship, aka honeymoon phase while at the same time saying I was kindest bf she was with, had most laugh with and that I'm pretty as picture can be ( she would always say that I'm gentleman here and there during relationship) I hugged her and kissed on forehead at the very end and she crashed starting going full cry mode ( she told me during rl she hasn't cried at all for a very long time, so I must have struck deep ) and I just got in my car and drove off.
After that I saw her multiple times, like 30 times in 2 months where she appeared stressed, guilty, ashamed and would ignore me, hide in stores, would barely look at me. I would greet and look into her as I'm taught no diff.
I contacted her once casually without talking about breakup or us after like 2 months of bu. She responded immediately and appeared invested as this chat prolonged to 4 hours and finally me cutting it off. I haven't contacted since nor will I.
I'm in a process where I'm truly detaching and finally seeing some happiness again, alone, with myself.👍
I do know we had something deep, at least I had towards her. Unsure about her side, maybe she really didn't develop feelings but the way she handled herself during bu and saying all these things, crying, then appearing stressed and hiding from me cant do someone who is blank towards another, also she said that she never opened up to someone like me. I think I came too close and she sabotaged, she also said during 1st month that her mother told her that she will sabotage. Idk, it's messed up but I'm moving forward and letting go. I really don't have a solid closure, only what I could logically wrap from my own perspective but I came to conclusion that I really don't need it and I'm ok with it being this way after 5 months of bu.
Unfortunately I think this will resurface in the future and I hope I'll carry myself properly when the time comes.
Would like to hear what you think about this all? Is it any similar to your situation?
@@Mate_Mateo
Thank you for sharing your story-it’s definitely similar in many ways, and I think we’ve both gone through something really layered and painful. Let me start by answering your questions and then touch on the parallels between our experiences.
How do I know what she’s experiencing?
I don’t know for sure-it’s based on patterns I’ve observed and what I’ve learned about avoidant attachment styles. One major source of insight has been Spotify, which became something of an emotional battlefield between us. For a while, I wasn’t sure if she was still emotionally invested. I thought she might have completely detached, but that changed when she blocked me on Spotify. Blocking wasn’t indifference-it was a reaction to me, which confirmed she was still emotionally affected. Before that, I didn’t even know she was still watching me. The fact that she saw something of mine and felt the need to block me-even though we weren’t following each other-showed that she was keeping an eye on me and that my actions were still triggering a response.
What really stood out is that blocking wasn’t the end of it. It’s easy to confuse blocking with someone being done with you, but even after blocking me, I noticed she was still reacting to my actions. For example, I’d create a new playlist, and she’d respond in her own way by making her own emotionally charged playlists and putting them on her profile. This continued for a while after the block, meaning she was still keeping tabs on me and emotionally engaged, even though she was trying to create distance. It was like she couldn’t fully detach, and her reactions became a way of communicating indirectly.
After the breakup, I was so confused and had no answers for anything, so I started talking to ChatGPT about it all. I told it about how every time I would do something, she would respond with something reactive, and it confirmed to me that she was still emotionally attached. ChatGPT started teaching me about emotional reckoning-the idea that suppressing emotions like this only works temporarily, and eventually, all those feelings she’s trying to bury will surface. It explained that the evidence shows she hasn’t been able to detach and is trying hard to suppress what she feels, but reckoning is inevitable. That really helped me understand what I was seeing and gave me clarity about what she’s likely experiencing now.
How did we break up? What were her reasons?
She cheated on me. After that, she slowly started trying to end things, but it was confusing because things were so good before. We had literally talked about our future kids, our lives together, and what the future could look like. The honeymoon stage was amazing, but after that, when things naturally slowed down, something changed. I think her core wound was triggered, and she started feeling like I would abandon her-even though I wouldn’t have.
She didn’t really express this to me in a clear way. She struggled with open communication and vulnerability. She tried telling me once, but it was very vague, and after that, she stopped communicating on that level altogether. Then, she cheated. I know she felt regret because she kept me around for a while and didn’t tell me, but I started noticing little hints that things had changed. At the time, it felt like she was soft ghosting me-slowly pulling away but not fully ending things. I was confused and didn’t understand what was happening until I found evidence of her cheating. When I confronted her, she completely shut down and stopped responding, and that was the moment everything ended.
How long have we been separated?
It’s been almost two months now. Our relationship, in total, lasted about four months.
Am I doing no contact? Did either of us contact the other?
For the most part, yes, I’m doing no contact. I did reach out to her a couple of times early on-not to get her back but to try to offer forgiveness and maybe open the door for understanding. When she replied, it was usually just one or two words, with no real substance or effort to engage. She hasn’t initiated contact at all, which I believe is part of her avoidance. I’ve stopped reaching out entirely now, but it’s been hard seeing signs that she’s struggling emotionally yet still avoiding any real communication.
Your story really resonates with me, especially how your ex pulled away despite showing affection and connection. It sounds like she was also dealing with avoidant tendencies. The way she praised you, talked about a future, and then became distant feels a lot like what I went through. My ex and I had conversations about our future kids and life together, and everything seemed perfect during the honeymoon stage. But when things slowed down and got more real, she started to pull away. I believe her core wound got triggered, and like your ex, she sabotaged what we had.
What struck me most about your story was how she cried during the breakup, saying she hadn’t cried in a long time. That’s a huge sign of emotional depth-one that I think scared her. My ex had a similar moment of vulnerability early on, but as things got deeper, she started shutting down and pulling away instead of leaning into the connection. It’s like their fear of vulnerability and abandonment becomes overwhelming, and the only way they know how to cope is by pushing you away.
Your ex’s behavior after the breakup-avoiding you, hiding, and appearing stressed-also sounds familiar. My ex hasn’t seen me in person, but her actions on Spotify and the emotionally charged playlists she creates mirror that same guilt and avoidance. It’s like they’re struggling to suppress emotions that keep surfacing, but they don’t know how to face them. Avoidants suppress, but they don’t detach entirely-those buried emotions don’t just disappear. That’s what I’ve learned through ChatGPT and my own reflection: reckoning is inevitable.
When you reached out after two months and she responded quickly and invested in that four-hour conversation, it reminded me of my ex’s reactive behavior. It’s a sign that she still feels something, even if she’s not ready or able to confront those feelings yet. Like you, I’ve realized that letting go and focusing on myself is the healthiest thing I can do. If this resurfaces for her someday, I hope I’ll handle it well too.
I think we’re both navigating something really similar, and it helps to share perspectives. Let me know what you think about this or if you see any more parallels.
@BigRaider209 thanks for sharing your story in detail and comparing it to mine.
It really is shame how they operate and sabotage something healthy and profound that they have. I know that she will struggle to replace me since we are in our early thirties and there are no quality options on the market. Yours will suffer too, all in its time. But that is what they ll be be aiming for since they don't seem to respect themselves at all and one of the reasons are that they come from broken homes. Mine told me that I should run as fast as I can from her since her family is broken and mine is perfect.
ChatGPT is great for stuff like this and I used it too and it helped me termendously.
Since yours cheated on you, I think there isn't a hope for you guys and you shouldn't ever take her back. Once a cheater always a cheater. Just learn from this experience and move forward with more clarity and knowledge.
I think there isn't a chance with mine either since she screw up big time and didn't check on me once during no contact ( i think when you spend full 3 months almost everyday for few hours at least you should have a bit decency to check on one who you left and make a better closure if you didn't the first time ), I know she might be scared and feel unease and actually wanted to but couldn't, but i dont need that type of person in my life. Wish her the best but slowly but surely losing respect towards her.
If she tries to backpaddle to me she will have to be changed person. I won't be giving her the tools so easy to affect my peace and mental health after how I've been discarded. And will held her accountable with no backing off, just straight facts.
No matter how much they try to supress some things it will hit them and it should and its good we didnt chase or gave them relief about the situation they caused. This is the only way they might do some selfreflection and actually be the starting point of their much needed change.
As for us, this was good lesson for future. Ill deff walk away next time on first sign of hot and cold. This made me realize that I will let no one ever again take me for granted. Healthy girls dont do that and we strive for those anyway.
Sorry for late reply, there is much to talk but little time. Hope I managed to get across most of the things. Will look deeper tonight if I missed something.
God bless mate
@@BigRaider209They cheat generally to create that emotional distance between you and them. It could be for other reasons, too. My ex DA gf cheated on me several times. I know the feeling.
@BigRaider209 Thanks for an long and detailed answer and I'm sorry that I couldn't hit the reply sooner. I find it hard these days to come back to relive this experience because I'm at the brink of closing this chapter of my life for good and since I'm still emotionally invested it brings up old wounds but for respect for you and your dedicated answer I feel compelled to reply. So let's get it started.
Of course they are still attached no matter what they claim, or how they act. Especially if you are decent human being and if you approached this relationship with decency and held respect towards her the whole time with a pure intentions to build something with her ( this is the base we all should thrive for while entering relationship, unfortunately in today society many are just here to have fun ), which seems you were, based on your investment to get to bottom of this and this is something you should be proud of, since it reflects your character and one day one will come who will NOT let go of something so profound and deep. Spotify, your battlefield with her, just proves this and you have detected this well. Blocking indeed is emotional reaction and proof that she's invested.
With avoidants, we all are left confused because they leave us without proper closure. I had big problems with anxiety before, worked so hard to be secure and had everything going right after a long time. Started working in a field I always wanted to, started going to gym after a long time and was consistent for a half year, thank God I'm still ( I was professional athlete before and since I stopped, after a while I couldn't recognize myself anymore in the mirror, as this picture was all I knew all my life ) and then she came in my life. Seemed like everything was falling into its place and I felt better than ever. Just a normal process and getting what I want when the one put in the work, except, unfortunately it wasn't. I even changed plates on a car 2 weeks before she came in my life and you wouldn't believe.... the numbers on plates were her day of birth. What a coincidence one may say? I'm Christian and met her on easter, one more striking coincidence? Yeah, just things don't end here. She's friend or was for a long time with one of my cousins I'm really close to. I'm not on any social media platforms except youtube for a very long time and she isn't either, which was just a big plus in my eyes. Doesn't go party much and goes for a long walks, just another plus. Also she is 2 years younger which is perfect. Seemed like a catch I dreamed of. With all these things I got even more attached as I was waiting for 3 and half years for right one after a breakup with my ex of 7 years ( I wasn't waiting for something to come to me ofc, I was here and there talking to some girls but none seemed right for me ). Back to secure thing... The whole way I was secure and every her pulling back I didn't thought much of it as just minor bumps in the road and girls are insecure mostly anyway so I just kept cool and didn't smother her on minor signs of her pulling off as I had sheer confidence this will work out. I even made jokes with her about that and our style of humor was same and spot on. She really didn't lied that she had most laugh with me. At times we couldn't even make out since we would just bust our asses off so hard. Anyway, I derailed a bit. Anxiety creeped in after the breakup (I handled breakup calm and collective) as never before and I was left in worst state of mind I ever was but I'm back on track and feeling fine with myself and looking forward for what future has in store for me. From your writing I think you are dealing much better with this than me, so props to you.
ChatGPT is a great tool and I used it too and it helped me immensely. I literally explained my whole relationship from start to end hehe. It just confirmed to me that I was the okay one during whole relationship and that she sabotaged. No matter how much one try suppress feelings, they will come at you sooner or late. My ex started being so much active after breakup, hence the reason why I saw her that much (if she didn't cared she wouldn't). I myself too started being active too more and we live in smaller town so naturally we bumped at each other more. And man, it was like living in a hell. Any progress one thinks he made towards, just sets you back while seeing her and the ways she was acting just deepened the void as I couldn't process right at that time what it really meant. But today I know. She fucked up big time and she knew it. Damn right she knew it but is scared and too stubborn to show it and probably felt she will be rejected as I think she actually holds deep respect towards me and knows I ain't one to play with, especially how I treated her. She's not dumb. I saw her yesterday, funny as I haven't in long time. I passed with a car and she was facing backwards ( noticed it was her because of her dog ). As I passed her like she felt it was me, and looking in my rear mirror she looked whole time until I left her sight, while in my car was bumping M.O.P. - Cold as ice. It just is what it is haha
I'm sorry that you got cheated on, I can't even imagine what it would do to me in this situation. But it can be a good thing, since she showed you her true self. It's praisable that you are willing to forgive her on that, but for sake of your own do NOT ever take her back. One is to forgive and another is to take back a cheater. Be strong about this but I feel you got this part right. Stay in NC forever with this girl. After I texted mine I swore to myself I'll never reach out. Her bday was month ago and I didn't reach out, she surely was thinking will I, but ball is in her court especially after I reached out. I know she won't but who knows. I think we will bump at each other some day, sooner or later and talk.
Mine had also problems with direct communication about her emotions and everything regarding us.. She admitted to me that she was never this open in a relationship as she was with me ( I unlocked her a bit which is just a proof of my character ). Her longest rl was of year and half and she told me that she never told him what is bothering her about him and them and just sucked it up but I think, why they lasted so long is because he wasn't emotionally invested. Probably her male counterpart (I know this guy and her mother left him early and his father wasn't saint either), they both come from similar backgrounds . I told her girl, you know this is not the way it will be with us, since real relationships are based on trust and communication and that she has be open with me and if she can't there will be no healthy future. I was unaware of attachment styles at that time, as probbably you weren't too. Really thought that I can help her out and make her more secure about us and that I will handle things with her accordingly and that she has nothing to be afraid of and that I'm invested in us and that I don't run at first sign of trouble. Trials and tribulations are what deeps the bond not what breaks it ( If both parties are willing to be vulnerable ofc). So this is similar for both of us. They just can't fall onto you as they are scared you won't catch them. Life proved it to them many times. But I hope we entered their lives to prove them otherwise. We might be the wheel that was needed in their life so that they could really start changing for better.
orr maybe her ex wasn't avoidant in the first place, but he was secure and got tired of her being anxious? Secure people don't usually have the need to be with anxious people as avoidant do. Avoidant people like the avoidant-anxious dinamic. If anxious person becomes safely attached, they are not interesting to the avoidant no more, but to other safely secure people.
This is it man. I am not kidding this is what I found to do over the last year and she just called me suga daddie today and that may not seem like much to some but from an avoidant and no terms of endearment like that for over a year. This IS the blueprint if it’s gunna happen at all. I will add my wife has been in therapy herself for over two years herself and is actively working towards a more secure place she does things now an avoidant wouldn’t do so that’s just it. It’s gotta be that combo. I have been in therapy over a year myself and just put the focus on myself and my kids. I also have followed Josh Hudson’s structure and between you two. Man. Thanks a million man. I want to give back with what I have learned !
I called them on their bull$hit and walked away.
I walked away but am still psychologically torturing myself over this on the daily. 😢
@sierraG333 me too 13 yrs. Later. But I wasn't going to be treated like crap.
As you should
Although the terms "anxious attachment" and "avoidant attachment" are used, I find they can sometimes be a bit misleading since both are really about responding to anxiety-they just deal with it in opposite ways.
"Anxious attachment" people tend to overreact to or are overwhelmed by anxiety. "Avoidant attachment" people tend to under-react to anxiety or try to avoid feeling anxious through suppression, procrastination, etc.
After all, for someone to constantly avoid dealing with things, there has to be an underlying anxiety and fear.
I've developed a mutual attraction from a distance with a guy I presume to be avoidant as he has been delaying anything from developing between us. Yet he appears to be laidback, relaxed, confident, etc. but that's only when he's in control of the situation. When he's caught off guard, such as when he thinks he might be losing me to someone else or if I don't show interest in him, I've seen him panic, react with fear and anxiety or flee the situation.
Agree with you
you contradict yourself, lol, saying "secure people have made themselves immune to people pulling away" yet earlier claim people who come here *were* "secure" but became anxious *because of* DAs
seems like a ticky line to walk that's somewhat understandably directed by appeasing your largest demographic who tend to prefer to have their part in problematic patterns diminshed
DAs definitely are understandably super sensitive to indications of anxious attachment & far more attracted to secure people with their own lives which are why they can naturally be great partners for those interested in self development
they won't enable codependency which on the surface makes them a horrible match for most anxious attachments but it seems many derive a different satisifaction of making the DA a scapegoat & playing the perpetual victim
What's the difference between narcissts and avoidants?
Why avoidant are cheaters??
it’s like they don’t know the meaning of loyalty and they can’t live without multiple relationships.
My avoidant ex told me one day that one of her best qualities is that she is loyal. I almost laughed in her face (a couple of weeks before she broke up with me) because I saw evidence of her cheating multiple times and she lied about it to my face. After a while, I was just there for a warm body.
Do they know they are avoidant?
I’m focusing on the things I love the most -writing, and music!
I let go of an avoidant. They sent me a passive-aggressive email baiting me to respond 3 years after complete silence from my end and numerous attempts on their end trying to connect with me through various means and me blocking them on all accounts.
Amazing video! What is the website shown at 5:17?
Freetoattach.com!!!
Spot on.. relinquish control.
What if they just keep coming back but never comit
If they don't come back it's still best practice to help you heal and become more secure. Hard as it may seem and feel
The existence of this video scares me--"Learn how to make an avoidant want you." No one should want an avoidant to want them. The more avoidant you are, the more of a narcissist you are--any NPD person is THE MOST avoidant, which is why it's pointless to be in a relationship with them. Anyone with an insecure attachment who isn't working on themselves is someone ya probably aren't going to have a successful relationship with.
No, no, no. Avoidants, narcissists and sociopaths are not the same!
I feel like I already saw this video, did you report it to mess us up?
That's basically any video about anxious avoidant relationship
Yea..cat and mouse game. Life is too short.
And that avoidant never going to see your true value. Dhey running. They have no time to be curious about you.
Let it go. Don't waste time. 🎉
I watched this as the anxious guy missing an avoidant ex woman and I'm sorry on behalf of male nature, but maybe they came back bc she lost 30 lbs and it's not about "finding one's self" as a woman
You need to detach from the outcome and fill your own heart with love . Heal your own wounded child . Then you can be secure enough for an avoidant to open up to you .
If I understand it correctly, you must accept the idea of losing them and work only on yourself if you want them back. But how much time you have to wait for their return?
Chris I can’t seem to find her interview on your page. Link?
We’ve got it in our community so it’s only available for those members
@ the recovery program ?
Chris,
My ex of 10 months always views my stories, sometimes almost immediately. He ignores me otherwise. I wrote to him the other day to congratulate him on something but no response.
My question is why does he constantly view me but otherwise be rude, cold and ignore me?
my avoidant ex came by back now ... after the no contact period ....what should i do ??
This works because it’s called Stoicism 😂 otherwise you have resist and persist , the push pull!
My avoidant didn’t. He broke up with me and doesn’t regret his decision 😅
Don’t regret his decision either. He gave you a Gift from Heaven Itself; peace by him leaving.
I just realized that for a few days i was seriously contemplating breaking things off once and for all. I actually started envisioning my life without him.
The next time i spoke with him, he shocked me with asking something he had never asked before... "do you miss me?"
I was glad he was speaking to me over the phone... i was so shocked my mouth fell open... i was caught completely off guard.
Wth is it with these people??? I believe in energy and I'm often trying to contain my energy around him... dont want him knowing how much i love him... how i miss him so much and how i wish we would see each other more often....
:-(
Chris can you talk about avoidant-avoidant ?
I have learned from you,,, I am the """avoidant""" in my life 😂😬😞 . We are not horrible humans. We just get overwhelmed with to much attention and love. 😅
If you're with an avoidant and emotionally stressed, then you're not secure yourself, so work on yourself to become secure, and you won't find yourself stuck in the cycle.
Are you sure your audience isn't more anxious attatchment instead of secure attachment?
How can I get thida information
Yup! I snapped about 40 days ago. Found my peace. I was acting absolutely insane.
I so wish i could speak to an expert on this have kinda been struggling for about 5 months with this. I would of said i was secure but this person made me extremely anxious. I went no contact for my own good obviously not long enough when i spoke to them again they seemed anxious but now they're flat out ignoring me.
Can you do more content about avoidant women? alot of your content is around avoidant men
The patterns are pretty much the same. What he says about avoidant men apply to avoidant women too.
@@PuddyKatMan apparently not. he did do another video on avoidant women and other youtubers have also done the same, their behaviours whilst do overlap, there are still some differerences.
she came back after a year after ghosting on my birthday
Do you want her?
@ no. she was my first love, so i’ll always love that girl, but i deserve better and the only way she’ll ever heal is if she loses me permanently
@@Daniel-Deshaun “..the only way she will heal is if she loses me permanently.” That is some real stuff right there. Self-respect on 1000% and also knowing that you are her will be better with others. Nothing but respect for you, my man.
My avoidant wished me a happy birthday last week after I told him our friendship needed to expire
This isn’t anything new.
Tidas just fucked over so badly by her narcissistic avoidant, that she wanted her power back so much, that it triggered a short term manic episode (happens with extremely toxic partners) - explains the sudden weight loss journey and makeover. It breaks you and makes you into an entirely different person.