Not really. You can figure out that person doesn’t let you know what the problem is. Then you know they are trying to make emotional off loading to you. Easy.
And sometimes people don't really know that they are manipulative too, having parents that was somewhat manipulative I really feel that they don't believe that they are in the wrong, and so when searching for that justification they naturally redirect the blow to others, it's a sincere belief that they are innocent that lead to them blaming others, because more or less they are concerned about who's being responsible, so someone must bear the blame. And from that I do sometimes found myself acting the same way, like I do believe my own innocence when arguing, but something my gut feeling tells me what I just said is wrong and manipulative.
@@voices4dayz469 they completely get it, they just want to freeload so they get all benefit at no cost. They act like they don’t get it so you are inclined to write them off as ignorant and not malicious. Hanlon’s razor.
@@voices4dayz469 Manipulative people can change. I have a first hand experience, I was the one! I simply couldn't control myself and this manipulation program was invoked in me every time the conditions were right, and from my experience it is almost an automatic behavior. I realized it, unfortunately it took good relationships to fall apart, but eventually I learned how to speak, how to deal with my anger and bad feelings without attempts to punish everyone around for it. So, it's not hopeless.
I'm too autistic to be emotionally manipulated. I realized too late that I would always kindly and naively deflect thier attempts at manipulation and that they would get upset and emotionally distant over it while I'm still cheery and act like as if nothing changed lol.
I’m also on the spectrum and I definitely only have fought my mom’s manipulation for the last decade because of my disconnect. It still fucks with my self worth and such, but she’s never been able to successfully use me to process her emotions lol.
My mom does this. She's done this for ages, it really breeds negativity in the family. Although my dad takes the brunt of it, my sister and I have got our fair share of this growing up. Problem is that she takes any attempt at getting her to visit a therapist as an attack on her and her behaviour gets really bad when we do this. She cries enough to alert the neighbours and tells terrible stuff about my dad, my sister and how we are utter failures as children and as a husband. This increases our guilt and ultimately we get tired. She's able to continue that pointless argument while without breaking a sweat for hours on end. Even after we stop, she's not done until the day is over.
I was prompted to watch the vid because my mom does the same crap too. In my experience tho, I’ve found that the people they cry wolf to basically can see through their alligator tears for the most part. I think it’s because of the way they tell their story. It comes across being so inauthentic where others silently pick up on it, and then keep that person at arms length. Nonetheless, it still doesn’t takeaway from how utterly draining the whole shit show is.
@TH-cam Guy Maybe you can buy the room darkening window film. Or board up your window with cardboard and thumbtacks. If she allows you to use thumbtacks for hanging things on your walls, you can use thumbtacks to block out your window. Please don't allow her to keep abusing you. This kind of abuse can cause immune disorders that make your life hell. So on top of your mother's bs you will also have to deal with being sick and in pain constantly.
This is exactly my mother, father, and brother. My mother can't even show up to family therapy and forget about my father. I tell her something hurts...she hurts me more. I stopped talking to my brother who is a domestic abuser 15 months ago b/c the trauma-informed therapy program I am in knows well what I deal with and the harm in how they undo all the hard work. My mother then projects and hurts me. I don't understand how a mother can't love her child..yet loves the abusive coke-addict son. (same type of guys I once dated where she stopped talking to me). The hiding, lies, and denying is soul crushing. She once even threatened to have my brother drag me out of her car...wanting violence on her own daughter who already dealt with multiple violent abusive acts & trying to heal from it. It hurts because my maternal grandparents raised me and loved me, even in my faults...And they also had to defend & protect me a lot against all 3. It hurts not having an honest, healthy family. I have none.
I feel like he should've used better or different examples than crying as a manipulation tactic. The most manipulative people can actually be quite stoic and calm, and they bring out the emotional outburst in you
I don’t necessarily think the person manipulating is always the one crying. Sometimes the one crying is battling an emotional manipulator who would die before they cry. They manipulate with anger and silence which causes the other to cry. When you tell an emotional abuser what you want often times they take it personal, put it on you, and you end up crying and apologizing to keep peace. I think I take offence to crying always being put on the manipulator. Some people just cry when they hurt. I know I need help!
I agree. I was with a cheater who said it was my fault and I would cry when he would get distant and cold and ignore me. He would say I was manipulative for crying and not respecting his boundaries. Because I was upset he’d cheat and he would stop responding to me.
@@halloweendancing classic your tears violated his boundaries. It is sad they will never know the true emotions behind our tears, more sad is that they will never feel those feelings.
The key difference. Is thatnyou communicated what you want & how feel. He was manipulating you. In this video hes talking about someone who weaponizes their tears with 0 communication. They're not hurt at all. They just want avoid accountability by crying when they are being addressed. They use crying as a deflection & a way to move the goal post. Kinda like what you're going through but in the reverse.
I wish I saw this information earlier in my life. I'm the manipulative person and the worst part of it is everytime I behave like this it all feels 1000% true and real. It's like my body and mind can't figure out how to express and how to calm down. I grown up with an alcoholic abusive father and my mother worked as a nurse and were absent sometimes for few days in a row trying to escape the household. My father was emotionally manipulative too and I think I picked up lots of bad behaviours from him. Bless my patient and understanding husband.I was in therapy and improved a lot, but the manipulative part of me is still very present. :(
Sorry you had to go through that :/ from a place of empathy, I'm still dealing with my mom's emotional manipulation to this day I can tell you what I would want from her: when she's mad and hurt so she's lashing out, I wish she'd take a second to figure out what she's actually feeling and what's actually hurting her (and maybe even say it out loud) I know you never want to hurt the people around you, so if you can recognize when your mind is there you'll go a long way towards reducing that I appreciate you even acknowledging that you might have something to work on - doing better than most of us
This is a little bit different from someone who tries to hurt other s and control things for their own gain. You might have it out of a self preservation mechanism.
Acknowledging the situation & taking steps to change go a long way. Having been with someone with this behavior who refuses to admit anything is wrong or that he needs help is crushing. I had to figure out that I could ever make him happy & walk away, because it was literally killing me. It manifested physically & despite a very serious diagnosis, our life was still all about him, his feelings, how he’s the victim. The steps you are taking are turning toward your partner and repair. That makes all the difference in the world. I wish you & your spouse every happiness. It sounds like you have a good partner.
My husband does this, except instead of crying it was extreame anger. IF I was calm and said I wasn't a mind reader, he would explode. If I was getting worked up he'd be so calm. He would respond to this type of approach withstraight rudeness, berate me, everything was my fault (not an appropriate response) and when I would suggest actionable things, like going to therapy(even couple's therapy), he would act like I was trying to change him as a person. We are getting a divorce in June. I'm struggling to survive, but I am so much happier now that someone isn't telling me I'm shit all the time.
My ex was exactly like this. Unbelievably controlling. He broke me as a person. I used to be a stable normal person who could handle stress and I was highly motivated. I’d suggest that if you’re living with someone like this and you keep asking them for what you need abs they keep NOT changing their ways, pleaseeeee get out !!! Do NOT tell them you are leaving or it will get way worse. Force yourself to take secret steps to leave. Lie if you have to about taking a trip to a relative or something and then just keep making up excuses why you can’t come home until you’re settled in your new place and only then can you tell them you aren’t leaving. lol
Good for you. Recognizing there is no way to fix a relationship with someone who thinks there is nothing wrong with them is freedom. You can just walk away.
A really good indication that you're being manipulated is if you're afraid of saying anything to the person. I've learned to recognize when I'm being manipulated, but I've also learned to recognize when I'm manipulating someone else, to see my fears reflected back at me. I tend to see a lot more claims of people being manipulated by others than vice versa, which doesn't really square, unless I accept that most people have both been manipulated and manipulated others. That's my intuition, which is of course biased. But I do feel a need to cultivate empathy for both conditions, mostly for myself.
I was genuinely able to relate to your answer. I really don't know most of the time if I am being manipulated or not not, but there are people around me( not family) to whom I would never want to share my experiences and I am deadly afraid to share my emotions with them but somehow I end up questioning if I am the problem and doing what they want me to do. I have never reached a definitive answer of my questioning myself but I do know one thing - I never get angry towards them, feel a ton of guilt and anxiety when I even think about them. The confusion that I am suffering from is due to lack of self awareness and lack of ability to discern the situation but I do know that strong negative emotions are present. So would you like to share some situations where you realised that you are being manipulated so that I can have some awareness if something similar happens to me.
This video was on spot. I gave up my fight with my partner who's emotionally manipulative. The literal exact thing you said. Led to anxiety, depression, and I am now burnt out. We're on a break now, and I don't think I'm getting back together. I don't know if I can trust her to not do it again. 6 years in, it hurts to let go but I can't take it anymore. I even offered to take us to therapy, but she wanted me to work on myself first, not realising that she was one of the biggest problems that caused me to be depressed.
I recently broke up with my girlfriend after 3 1/2 years. One of the hardest things I’ve ever done because you just want a relationship where both people build each other up instead of the other person tearing you down. You’re not alone dude. Whatever you decide, I hope you find things in life that make you happier.
I'm in kind of the same situation. 5 years on, and we're heading towards a break(she's moving out in July). I've chosen to remain single for a while after
Yep. It’s learned and passed down. If faulty behavior is all that is modeled to you, you will be oblivious to that faulty behavior until you’re somehow made aware. Even then, sometimes people are made aware and because of emotional raw spots they will disregard it -for some sort of self preservation.
Yeah... No, thanks. I've been in these kinds of relationships too many times. Every time I have been blamed to be the manipulator, to be emotionally immature, have been guilt tripped into putting up with bad behavior and had to bear the consequences of other people's actions. I'm tired of it... And it's been a great relief for me to accept that it's not my responsibility to fix that person and that their actions and situations are not my fault. The day I realized that I learned to walk away. Life is too short to be someone's unpaid therapist. There's people out there who aren't fundamentally broken and truly appreciate your time. Seek out connections with those and remain friendly but distant with everyone else.
My dad is that way except he will actively blame you for everything and it's not soft crying, it's yelling and cursing and refusing to take any sort of responsibility. I always ended up crying after our arguments and he was calm, begrudgingly quiet, sure, but calm. I luckily don't live with my parents anymore but every time I visit, he'll eventually get angry or frustrated enough he'll take it on me on my mom and the cycle goes again. Idk why I expect things to be different every time I visit. It's annoying when you have to be more emotionally mature than your parents
Honestly at some point I am tired of doing all this extra cognitive and emotional work for someone who doesn't lift a finger in years or decades. There are enough people in the world with whom you can have a healthy dynamic to at some point say enough. If they want to keep the relationship they need to do some inner work with a professional which is not me. Edit to add: I appreciate dr. K's work and effort. But if you don't have an extensive emotional/psychological tools, training and experience and frankly, authority that he has, trying to "re-train" emotionally manipulative people without them addressing deeper issues feels pretty futile and almost manipulative as well. If an adult acts like a toddler majority of time- goodbye.
"You're left playing darts with a blindfold trying to hit the bullseye". Lol! Perfectly said. That's exactly what it's like trying to communicate with a volatile, emotionally immature person. Context: I'm a month out of a 4yr relationship which turned domestically violent. Please step away from these types of people if your first few attempts to resolve issues fail, as some can get worse - much, much worse and you'll actually get injured for your trouble.
I wish I had discovered this channel 5 years ago. Even though I’ve only discovered it recently, my understanding of mental health has improved massively. I can’t thank this channel enough for giving me the tools to not only understand myself better, but to also protect myself from being manipulated or taken advantage of again.
I wish i could have discovered the channel 1 year back than i could get my crush doesnt feel uncomfortable while talking to me i had zero knowledge about how to talk bilkul chutiya aadmi ki tarah baat krke saare raaste block kr diye 😢
Even reading through the comments has been so therapeutic. I cannot thank you enough for building this community of people willing to share openly like this. I have enjoyed your videos before, but this one was extremely significant to me. Thank you very much for what you do and how you communicate it.
You have no idea how much I needed this dr. k 😢 on my second year of going no contact with my ex bestie who was the emotionally manipulative one in the friendship, and everything you’ve brought up checks all the boxes including the possible trauma that they face. Doesn’t mean they can go on transferring their emotions onto others like that tho. It just gets tiring after a while having to constantly give in to them and feel responsible for THEIR life and THEIR emotions
This was basically my entire life, ive had a narcissistic and emotionally unstable parent it was basically this game of chicken every single day nonstop. I would also say one thing, docter K makes a mistake in my opinion. He talks of a person who offloads their emotions but mostly as it inspiring guilt in you. And that there is a reasonable path to take but sometimes there just aren't one at all. With the person in my life trying that would lead to disaster because instead you would be blamed harder and harder and put under more and more stress instead. Admitting fault meant taking responsibility until every little thing i did was wrong and there was no ceiling for how far it could go. However admitting no fault was just as disastrous, the only thing i could do was take some responsibility and as soon as it kinda went "phase two" do the grey rock or deny responsibility in a somewhat apathetic way. Of course sometimes the person would blow up no matter what so there is that. Its just, sometimes there is no middle way and you just have to get out. On the contrary remember that if you feel hurt about something its not manipulative to talk with someone about that emotion even if they cant fix your issue, you might make them sad but you aren't offloading responsibility onto them as much, thats just talking to a friend about a problem and thats okay.
I’m so sorry! 😢 I’m going on year 6 of no contact with my ex best friend. It’s SO hard & heartbreaking. But you gotta do what’s best for you, unhealthy relationships will absolutely drain the life out of you. You got this! 💪🏼
Being married to an "emotional manipulator" for 30 years I will attest to this being good advice. To be honest the biggest contributor to being manipulated is being manipulated. It's difficult to step back and realize just how responsible you are for amplifying the situation. Being a "fixer" (which is also a manipulation) is awesome in mutually understanding relationships. Two under developed people on opposite ends of the emotional intelligence spectrum feels so good in the beginning. Pressure on one side fills the vacuum on the other. But eventually both vessels become pressurized creating an explosion of emotion of which neither understands how to mitigate. It took 20years to start to realize this and still working on it to this day. Much love Love is not happiness but happiness is love.
I'm not sure that being a 'fixer' is inherently manipulative. I've definitely realized that it can be controlling or inconsiderate, but I think the manipulation part is only a potential aspect. There's a lot of ways to go about trying to fix a relationship or partner and they all have thier roots in trauma, and also are doomed to failure... sigh
@richardmccabe2392 you're regulating your self worth through the reaction of a person outside of yourself. You're essentially trying to control them. You wanting to help may be genuine but at the end of the day if you are a boundaried individual you have to realize what is and what is not your responsibility
You have just explained most people in my life. I sort of knew what these people we're doing but you articulated it beautifully. I'm old to be here. Our boomer parents saw our emotions as a burden, we were encouraged to be hyper independent and this is exactly what causes emotional manipulation. The awful thing is I ended up with someone who was horribly abusive this was because he couldn't deal with any emotion. I love these techniques but then should come with a warning some people cant be helped, and there is nothing wrong with walking away from a manipultor. Walking away may save you from a horrible life, it may even save your life.
Interesting how this video came out a day after I cut off one of my manipulative friends. Even their last message to me was them trying to make me feel bad about leaving them.
It's like being a chicken in a tornado. Your so busy and distracted trying to survive being blown up, down and around. Only when it's over, do you see the damage
true i also realize it when they comeback i just feel awful, like why are they here...they might good people in some cases just not good for me...planning my escape quietly
I understand where your coming from and your not obligated to deal with them. But it’s important to remember that these people are really suffering and have never been taught how to process their horrible experiences. I grew up around manipulators and became one for a while, until my current boyfriend. He helped me see what I was doing and I didn’t even realize the affects I was having on the people around me because I was so consumed by anger and fear. Thank god for this channel and for compassionate people in my life. Not everyone is willing to change but my advice would be to try to show compassion and set healthy boundaries.
Then you can absolutely feel free to cut them out of your life! The premise of this video was not that you have any sort of obligation to help them. The premise is that sometimes people do want to stay and help. If you want to stay and help, this is the sort of information you'll need to have a shot at success. If you don't want to stay and help (which is fine!), then you can disregard this entire video. You're not the target audience.
Holy crap. My college roommate/friend was doing this to me for months after they lost their last person to offload onto. I finally put my foot down in February and somehow did exactly what you said and got the response you predicted. Watching this video for the first time three months later blew my mind with how predictable it all is and how I almost nailed the redirect technique you offered. Unfortunately, I had to end our friendship over this because I couldn't handle their crap on top of my own and nothing I could say or do would have fixed that. Thanks for talking about this, it made my day.
College roommates are the worst for this kind of stuff. In college now and it’s gotten to the point that I’m just going to get a single room from now on because it’s really not something you want to be dealing with on top of the courseload.
Dude fr fr. I support the single college apt life, but I will say it had me mega depressed when one bad roommate dropped mid-term leaving me by myself for a semester. It mostly came down to me not being prepared, but ya know, you live and you learn. Good luck with the grind mate
I have been learning to not be emotionally manipulative, and not long ago I was able to tell my close friends what are my boundaries in order for us to have a healthy relationship. They were completely ok with it, and we all are happy and supportive. Fun thing is that recently I got emotionally manipulative stuff from my boss when I was at a really vulnerable moment. I was able to catch it, but in this case I was just like sure, really sorry. Now I’m taking actions to establishing healthy boundaries to keep myself safe. Hope they’ll work 🤞🏻
"you are someone who does not like to feel negative emotion" I had to be convinced that was the case because I spent a very long time being told I 'like being miserable' and 'just want to make other people miserable'
I grew up in a family who does this. Living in it was exhausting and made me really ill. Moving out and having boundaries was the best way I could cope with it. I also won’t go in to or stay in relationships that it happens in too.
As my mental health continues to improve, it gets even easier to watch and learn from these videos, even if I don't think that they will relate to me. Every single time, Dr. K mentions something that I didn't know I needed to hear. Thanks dude
My ex was like that. Didn't backed down until I apologized. Few times I had enough they would come talk to me like nothing happened, no apologies (I always apologised for my mistakes), nothing. This broke my spirit over time...
hard to say tbh. id say its probably situational and depends on where ur partner is on the emotionally manipulative spectrum. like how bad/frequent/severe it is. i had a partner in the past (w bpd, and i also have bpd so this really isnt about that. but he always used his bpd as a shield for his actions instead of just an explanation and learning and growing) but he was so aware of how emotionally manipulative he could be (we both were, we talked about it a lot and he would pretend and promise to make changes that would ofc never happen) and i think that's a red flag to leave. if the person has no idea and isnt doing it on purpose, i can see wanting to try and work it out. just about 3 years i wasted on that man.
No! They are human beings. Watch Dr K on red flags. What we do in today's world is we treat each others as products -> It's faulty, so I will go grab another one. Don't treat people like that, please. They may be good folks and usually are, with badly stuck thinking and behavioral patterns. Don't throw away people easily.
Timestamp: 21:21 The negotiation of the articulation. The crux of where the power play in the relationship is equalized. It still provides vulnerability and room for advocacy and assertive communication, but there is no guessing. There's gotta be shared problem solving. This maneuver at least allows both parties know what their willing to do to keep the relationship. There is no reinforcement of the transference of negative emotion. Timestamp: 24:44. The summary of the to-do list to try to solve this problem. Loved this video! It illuminated the dysfunctional pattern, provided succinct game plan for intervention. I didn't see this in a way where negotiation equalized the power dynamic, or at least showed where the transference occurs.
I used to be the manipulator, I sometimes still am. Recently I’ve been trying to get my head out of my ass and understand how I feel before lashing out to others. I feel really sorry for my previous partner, I just never learned to communicate my feelings properly and I gave him so much pressure by crying. It must have been really hard for him. Now I try to be a better person, when I feel anxiety, I remind myself of what my ideal self would do in the same situation, and I calm myself down using psychology tools I learned. It’s been working! (Also I’m 24 now, getting more mature everyday and learning from life) I hope everyone can progress and do better!
This video actually helped me realize how I can be a little emotionally manipulative myself. Instead of solving problems, sometimes I just get upset with people… but now if I can catch myself doing it I can apologize and decide to work towards solutions as a more healthy individual ❤
That is so amazing, I hope you are proud of yourself! I also think it is human to sometimes just be upset - as long as you are able to communicate it afterwards, take accountability and come up with solutions. We are not machines and of course when we get for example some weird news, it will make us emotional and the logic is not there yet :D Once we go through the initial wave of emotions, then we take the steps necessary. And by practicing this I hope the time for us to process the first emotional hit gets shorter and shorter :)) But I don't know, maybe this is just me.
This perfectly nailed an issue I'm experiencing in a relationship. After I resisted running to them when the signs started appearing, somewhat of a breakthrough in taking responsibility finally occurred. And while journaling and reflecting on everything, I think I hit the nail on the head with how to put it: "Resentment is a poison, and I'm tired of being your antidote."
This dynamic sounds like one between a parent and child rather than two adults in a romantic relationship. It sounds like they're not ready for a relationship and need time away to work on themselves. Very helpful video, as always!
I noticed that I've been both the manipulator and also the person who was being manipulated. ive definitely said that thing of "if you dont know what i feel, i cant help you". and it is because i struggled to articulate my feelings because my parents were emotionally abusive and neglectful so i never learned how to own them and express myself without fear. i also was in a situation where the emotionally manipulative person was accusatory and angry and would tell me he forgave me for something i did but then constantly weaponize it against me when he engaged in toxic behaviors like ghosting, pressuring me out of my boundaries, and cursing at me, and the complicated thing was i did reinforce some of his trauma, but only as a response to the unbalanced way he was throwing all of the emotional baggage onto me. i showed myself as open and willing to work out my mistakes and fix the problem but he just couldnt be there with me to fix it. he just wanted to victimize himself and stay in the hole and not move forward while trying to get me to move both of us forward. he couldnt admit his own faults but wanted me to carry both his faults and mine. but i didnt even know what to do with it because he wouldnt tell me. and if i did try to guess and make sacrifices like spend lots of money to be with him or stop talking to certain people in my life, he never acknowledged it and would continue to hold grudges. so while i empathize with him because i know what its like to not know how to deal with the trauma, its also difficult because you realize that no one is going to help you if you cant do the work in yourself.
I came to a hard realization after being in a relationship with an emotionally manipulative person and having experience trauma myself. Understanding why someone behaves the way they do doesn't mean you have to justify or tolerate it. In cases where there is no progress being made and you keep hurting yourselves, it might be for the better to step away and move on.
Stoic people can be very manipulative too. If you express anything, they will make it a competition on who's the most "chill" and by default you lose. I knew a guy who stonewalled, gaslit, blamed and acted like the mediator scheming behind every conflict he was not even involved in to appear and seem like a savior. I'm pretty reactive and learned to stay neutral but feel like I'm doing myself violence to pretend his efforts to undermine, take the spotlight from, ostracize and isolate me does not affect me at all. All my biggest life achievements he found a way to make it about himself. When I lost my job, he was the only one who didn't reach out. Then he kept spreading rumors that I'm a negative and awful person for feeling down and not wanting to hang out. Some others, also immature and insecure, jumped onto the bandwagon w him. I never had a worse friend. I cut him off but ended up feeling guilty myself. At the end of the day I'm just happy he isn't around for my other big achievements
more like a machiavellian masquerading as a stoic. stoicism isn't about a chill unflappable facade and (acting/behaving like) not giving a fuck, it's about honestly acknowledging how one feels without letting emotional impulses have free reign over decision making and actions. stoics will ask themselves: "was my decision more intelligent, fair, courageous, and with an honest will to act and see something through, or was it rather more stupid, unfair, cowardly, and lazy?" then assess and do better :)
Yes, it’s called the “projective identification process”. So it’s not just simple projection they get you to identify with the projection and then they feel relief. They don’t have to feel the unwanted emotions. They provoke them in you and see them manifested and released that way.
You are right! Like the self-fulfilling prophecy kinda thing? I do acknowledge it in myself - the deep fears filling up my head and then I am picking on small things because I want to desperately protect myself, and am taking the small issues as a PROOF that they will hurt me in the future. And then they ofc get fed up with my BS and bang.... :))
I am so thankful Dr. K made this video. This has been a major issue in my life with my South Asian parents. I don’t want to emotionally dump like they do because of their past trauma. I have done a lot of self reflection and this video has been an excellent aid.
This is the perfect video for me. I feel attacked by people I love all the time, and if I try and point out something that they did that may have lead to something, I get attacked more
I sometimes think her deciding to break up with me the moment I tried to communicate that I felt this way as a blessing in disguise. Watching this... oof. Yes I was feeling this way but it perpetuated my own trauma response of people pleasing which was not a healthy way to be in a relationship. They don't want to do the work whilst in the relationship, it is not good for your personal mental health. This helped me feel less stupid or ashamed for being emotionally manipulated. EDIT: lmfao its been less than a month and she is with the dude she told me not to worry about. If someone is even slightly giving this vibe again nah I ain't doing it. This is the second time of this for me LOL.
Haha had a similar experience, once i started to realize and become aware of the problems that it wasnt solely on me they bailed out. Cheers, we werent becoming susceptible to their manipulation anymore.
@@SemekiIzuio nah fr bro they see that you can't be manipulated anymore so drop you before you drop them 😂 I just hope they get the help they need to be better and find genuine happiness. Repeating cycles can't be any fun when happiness is a constant disappointment for them because it's an illusion since they can never show up authentically and have to play people. Glad to hear you're out of it too!
@@cdorothy444 that term is thrown around a lot inaccurately. There can be narcissistic traits perhaps from other mental health conditions. NPD is a personality disorder that has many traits and facets as well as being a disorder itself. People without mental health disorders can be emotionally manipulative. Let's not generalise or demonise.
Partner did this to me yesterday. He came home frustrated and started yelling. I told him I don’t like yelling and kept to myself. He got mad that I didn’t give him a hug. Like dude I don’t want to hug someone who’s yelling. He then calls me selfish because I’m only thinking of myself.
This video speaks to my soul as someone who was unconsciously dealing with implicit expectations for most of his adult life. So much so that he started placing them on himself because of how normalized it was. Amazing as always man.
I was in a band where the vocalist turned everyone against me over the course of a year. It was bizarre how ugly he spoke to me, and the other members stood there like bots just enabling everything. Sometimes I still get stuck in just trying to make sense of things.
Oh my, I fear I am emotionally manipulative. I don't mean to be a bad person, but I often don't know how to handle conflicts and how to express what I want and need. Partly because I really don't know and partly because I feel overwelmed by the conflict and am kind of petrified. It's hard for me to be reasonable in that cases, so I prefer to leave the conflict, avoid my partner and stay angry/sad/hurt to show him, how much the conflict disturbed me. I HAVE to stop that
I think the best thing you could do is ask yourself if you are capable of taking on constructive criticism when it's being brought you fairly. Assuming the other person isn't being overbearing, domineering, or abusive in their criticism, you should be capable finding ways to handle the feeling of guilt and use that to motivate you to work together on resolving the issue.
The thing about manipulative people is that often tines they dont want to fix problems because they are the ones benefiting from the unbalanced relationship so why would they change if they are happy? They dont actually care if youre happy in the relationship youre just there to serve them. These are narcissistic/sociopathic people and youre better off leaving them forever.
This was the situation with my ex. He always said he was happy in the relationship, I was not. Almost every day, he put me down and belittled and blamed me for everything, and after he said it was all just jokes and what my problem was, I should just laugh. When I broke up with him, he said I was the problem, that he did nothing wrong, and that it was not about him. I told him I was unhappy and he said this was not true. He told me he knew I was happy most of the time and that when I said I was unhappy according to him I was just exaggerating.
I'm now seeing the learned behaviors from my mom. I remember feeling guilty when I wouldn't do all my chores while my parents were gone. I feel like I've been acting like this to my roommate. He's not as tidy as I am, and I'm struggling to communicate that we need to both work to keep our place clean, I end up doing more than my fair share. This is the kind of video I need to take serious notes on, it could help if I actually implement some of these strategies
This hit hard. I had a friendship where I felt like my boundaries weren’t respected. After I’d let that go on for way too long, I finally lashed out and admitted my resentments to them. That launched a year of what I now recognize was emotional manipulation, where the onus to repair their trust in me and “fix” our friendship was entirely on me. That friend was going through a lot, and I don’t think they were or are a bad person, but I felt like shit that entire year feeling like I was bilging water out of a sinking boat while they stood by and watched. I eventually just had to take a huge step back-and as soon as I stopped showing up, they began to pretend I didn’t exist. I wish I’d had this video back then, though to be honest I don’t know if I would have been ready to recognize how I was contributing to the situation when I was in it. Thank you for laying these difficult situations out and giving solid advice in such an approachable way!
That analogy of a sinking boat is eerily how I described a friendship where more or less the same thing happened. I expressed a boundary, it was repeatedly crossed, finally i make a long-winded callout and exactly as you, i got stonewalled and treated like I was being an asshole for having a boundary, which turned into this weird year-long "fix" that i took too much responsibility for that eventually drove me up a wall. I'm thankful for information like this being out there.
Me and my ex recently broke up. I often expressed myself in an objective way, just to get my feelings out there and make them open to talk about. As any partner would and should, right? This resulted in her going in either defensive and/or attack mode. She would not make me feel heard or validate my feelings at all, but instead, try to make me question myself by either judging me, laughing at me or comparing me to other people. The times we had in person were great, but whenever it came down to expressing feelings, or even having a discussion about something personal, she really showed the manipulative side of her. During the last fight we had, she denigrated me, laughed at me and tried to rationalise as well as justify it by saying that because she thinks it was just, I shouldn't feel that way and therefore I'm at fault. All I ask of someone is to show some empathy and at least try to put themselves in my shoes and vice versa. In the end she said I have to get my shit together and get therapy, whilst she claimed that she has nothing to work on herself. This all happened yesterday. She's 20 and I'm 25, and the gap in wisdom, emotional maturity and just regular communication was really big. Luckily, I noticed these patterns early on. Still, it hurts. It hurts to open yourself up and give your heart to someone, only to have said person spit on it and not even take it serious.
I relate to this situation, kinda same happened to me. I just mentioned certain things in her attitude that made me upset and disrespected and she just called me pathetic and embarrassing. Then gave me ultimatum if I didn't respond accordingly she would cut me off for life, naturally I didn't give in and it's been a month no word from her, blocked me on every social media i could reach her
@@daviti4611 I admire how you opened yourself up to her by addressing certain patterns in her behavior that made you feel upset and disrespected. You made yourself vulnerable and expressed yourself. It's sad that someone who claims to love you, can be so disregarding of your feelings. Good for you for not giving into her ultimatum and therefore reassuring and endorsing that kind of manipulative behavior.
I'm not sure why, but I find myself laughing out loud to your videos. You're so spot on right. Amazing. But, I also find myself understanding myself from a different point of view, and it helps me try to avoid doing that thing. So, thank you.
Thank you for helping me stay mindful of things like this. I thought myself impervious to this kind of manipulation but your examples and my response to them made me realize how vulnerable I still am to being manipulated. Thank you for helping me further myself you’re a great teacher!
This is almost undoubtably the most problematic issue I've had. I've felt I don't have the tools to deal with this even though I feel close. I've felt so cornered and I just can't justify verbally how the "emotional offloading" is problematic. It's always justified by what their therapist told them. Thank you so much Dr. K!
I think we all need also a guideline for the emotionally manipulative people, from their perspective... How to recognize that one üs manipylative themselves and heal from it
I think it takes A LOT of self-reflection... Of course first you notice that there is some kinda pattern in your life... Which is causing you a lot of pain. If you are not a total a**, you will wonder if that perhaps could be you in a way, because it seems quite unlikely that the entire world would be against you, right :)) Again - A LOT of self-reflection and A LOT of time! Supporting environment helps - ofc therapy, friends etc. But be mindful of WHAT kind of friends. Because many times they think SUPPORT means blindly VALIDATING your perspective. Which could be harmful - as it does keep you stuck in the dark. We want friends that love us dearly, remind us that we are still good humans, but challenge our stubborn heads :)) The self-realisation comes and goes in waves - sometimes you see it. Then sometimes your self-protective coping mechanisms kick in and you logic all those things as - how can I be XYZ when THEY are the ones doing that?! ... Well, eventually it clicks in and you start understanding yourself and WHY you do it. and WHAT to do about it. Still being torn between those two states of mind. But once you see it, it is not lost. It keeps coming back to you. And revealing more and more clarity. Bit by bit. And eventually the scales shift and you become aware of it most of the time:) (I am not saying I am done with it and am "perfect" and "healed" lol, it all is a process, right?)
Hit the nail on the head with this one. I just got out of a relationship fairly recently and this was how my partner was. How I always saw it was if I had a problem with someone or somebody upset me, I would explain what was bothering me and what I kinda would've liked instead so as to make it very clear why im upset and how to make it better. So it threw me off when he would tell me it was my fault he was upset and then very poorly explain why he felt that way, and then use one of his favorite lines "I don't know how to fix it, you need to figure it out yourself." and literally just leave me to guess on what to do. I tried explaining many times thats not how it works and then it turned into making me feel like actually I didn't understand and I was in the wrong... Had to break it off because it brought so much negativity.. Too bad this video didn't come out sooner, he was a great person deep down with a lot of trauma.
Are there other forms emotional manipulation can take besides crying? My bf sometimes seems to avoid conversations by getting really mad and kind of freaking out and insisting that I don't understand him or that there's no way he can explain himself to me; he doesn't cry, but it feels like getting really worked up/angry plays the same role. When I bring up something he did that was hurtful, I feel like I end up soothing him most of the time
Yes, that is absolutely a form of manipulation as well a being more overtly abusive. It's a way to deflect accountability and the feeling of shame that you bring up about something they did that upset you. It's all about flipping the blame and focus of the conversation back onto you. If he's behaving like this regularly, he's effectively showing you that he doesn't value your feelings or needs in the relationship.
@@Xenthosis317 thanks for your response, he is definitely lacking some emotional maturity but I'm undecided yet on how bad the problem is. He doesn't do it with everything, and it's not like he never apologizes for anything, but when it does happen it really shuts things down.
Yes, in fact, when my ex friend did this to me (what he describes as transfer of negative emotions = projective identification) *I* was the one who wanted to cry. Their are many, many ways to manipulate emotionally, including the angry freak out followed by playing the victim. And look: it gets him exactly what he's after: not having to communicate about a problem for which he will be expected to take at least partial responsibility. Like Gamer says, he isn't going to change if you keep rewarding the behaviour. And even if you start standing your ground, he might not be able to change. One suggestion from the video you might try is when he's insisting that you don't understand him, ask him if he could *calmly* explain himself to help you understand. And I suggest, stop letting him off the hook and ask yourself what impact these behaviors might have on you. Are you being trained to be his Mommy? Conditioned to never want to speak up for yourself? Good luck, hope it works out, but keep an eye on your own wellness and energy levels.
Appreciate you so much Dr. K. Learning to regulate your own emotions and then deal with others' emotional dysregulation/manipulation is probably one of the most important life skills today!
All accurate. Closed the door on a friendship just yesterday, and I feel like a killer. Very hard to step away from the situation when the other party is constantly close to suicide. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. All I can think about is how hurt they must be. I don't feel angry, I just feel love and pain for them. But like Dr. K said... it is unsustainable. My deepest gratitude to my friend Alex who shared this video with me today. Sis, if you somehow find this comment... please find help. I wish you wellness. I only wish we could've found wellness together.
This video made me realize I have the tendancy in fights to be emotionally manipulative. It would be interesting to see a video on the flip side of this. How to avoid becoming emotinal manipulative. It is like I loose control of my better self when I get angry or feel backed into a cornor
Moose, goose, loose. Loosey goosey. When you lose something then it becomes lost (loost isn't a word). Pick one, or use all three, to remember the difference between loose and lose.
As for becoming emotional manipulative, it’s likely a learned behavior. If not, then it was reinforced by someone so you subconsciously developed it into getting what you ultimately wanted.
@francestaylor9156 IDK about learned behavior. Emotional manipulation comes just as easily as lying, even children do it. The problem is being on the receiving end.
That’s exactly what my mom does to me, so draining! I’m thankful for this video for reassuring me that it’s not just in my head and is a real problem and I don’t have to feel guilt and take responsibility all the time
phenomenal video, because that's the type of video i would need a year ago. but i think it's hurtful when dr.k says that caving in to the manipulation reinforces the behaviour of the manipulator, because when you are in those types of situations, you're never really allowed to be aware and realize the nature of the dynamic, and caving in to their demands by pampering them is the only solution that you can work with, amidst all the screaming, yelling and gaslighting. when it is all that you've ever learned to fend yourself with, how could you possibly know what the true right choice is? that is why knowledge is so important to escape such situations. it hurts even worse when you keep pushing yourself to your limits so much, because you really believe in the relationship and want it to work, as some form of strange hope or wish that "soon things will be ok as long as i find a way to solve this predicament, then soon i can be in the relationship of my dreams". but that never happened, sadly. it forcefully leaves me to grieve something that never really was able to grow into something more, and that type of pain just hurts different.
God, this is EXACTLY what I had to deal with for three years with my BPD ex. I wish I knew this information sooner, but ultimately I don't think it would have changed the outcome. In the end she devalued me and discarded me, made everything my fault and she played the victim. I have been left traumatized and heart broken. She changed my brain chemistry and put my nervous system into a state of fight or flight with all the emotional abuse, constant drama in her life and her impulsive/childish behavior for those three years. Now I am trying to un-f*ck myself and I am struggling.
I really love your perspective on the fact people want to fix relationships, not just break up and run. It's always been dazzling to me how people instantly comment "leave him/her" without thinking about how good the relationship might be elsewhere. My wife and I have been through just about everything in terms of childhood trauma, emotional immaturity, drug problems, religious trauma, while having children. But we never left. And now we're both better for it. It's hard and takes time though.
I was in a very manipulative relationship in the past, all discussions were exactly like you described! If I brought some problem to them so that we could solve it in the relationship I would start feeling guilty about even bringing it to them! And I got out of it thankfully! But today I’ve started to notice that in some situations I’m acting like this and it really really scares me because I feel like I’m becoming a “monster” and becoming like them and that’s all I don’t wanna be! I don’t know how to “fix” it! Sometimes I notice it then I’m able to stop the manipulative behaviour! But sometimes it’s like a trap.
You're not a monster. You've been treated like that way too often, so your brain learned that that's how to treat others. It takes time to navigate this, and as long as you keep trying to notice it, and stop the behaviour, in time you will get better at it. Nobody is perfect, but you are doing what you can to be a better person. If you feel like you're not progressing (fast enough), it might be worth talking to someone about that, either a trusted friend that you know won't assure you with fake positivity, or a therapist or coach. Wish you the best of luck on your journey!
Learn to be emotional mature, when you feel a negative emotion sit on it by yourself and try to understand why you are feeling that way, what triggered. Pratice on catching it when it starts to rise up inside in you and keep calm. Its hard hahah ive been doing this myself to try not to internalize other peoples emotions/problems/projections
Thank you :D I am not in relationship with manipulative person, because I am that person. A lot of that stuff is irritating to me, that I am saying stuff like that, but it's coming out so normally like breating or something. I am trying to fix it and I hope I will do stuff like that really rarely. It's not that I even want to do that, it is just escaping mechanism. If I could give advice myself to others: Talk with each other. If it will not work first time, talk again, again, again. And try to understand each other, just because other person "is the problem" that doesn't mean you are not the other problem. We are all weird, so let's try to understand that weirdness and try to fix it :D
Dude just explained the vast majority of my relationship struggles (family, romantic partners, peers) in less than 30min. Outstanding. Wish I knew this when I was younger. Sure would have saved a lot of time!! Here's to having a brighter future with fewer stressful spiritual toddlers.😂
This is one of the best, if not the best, video I have seen on emotional manipulation! Most videos are about how to recognize it, but not many on how to deal with it. It seems so simple however, but I recognize it is very hard to stay calm and respond in a way that is described in the video. Question: how do you respond to people that try to manipulate you not in an emotional way, but more in an intellectual way? Like manipulating you with logic even though there is a whole range of emotion behind this. And no matter what you say or do, they twist it in a manner that they are always right, and you are left feeling guilty and an asshole? Thank you for taking the time to record, edit and sharing this video!
This is rly familiar. I know people that jump to conclusions - attacking that conclusion and you’re left thinking: but wait, I didn’t say anything like that in the first place! What might help is to repeat how you feel -> they cannot tell you how you feel. They might not acknowledge your feelings, but at least you can know that you stayed with your feelings and that they matter ❤
For me this definitely helps to see how and my I need to make effort to learn to articulate my needs better myself (i.e. speak up more). While I don't believe I'm "emotionally manipulative" per se, I can see better now how failing to communicate my needs and wants effectively is still harmful to my relationships. Thank you.
My roommate is exactly like this. She really makes her depression everyones problem but refuses to see anyone for it. The longer I live with her the more I see how she played me. But she did something she can’t make up anymore and now I don't play her game anymore. Be free frome people who use you. I lost a bunch of "friends" over this but it was worth it.
I want to go to a psychologist for this. I think i'm the manipulative one, but I always know that I'm doing it bcs i'm not comfortable in the relationship. I should've just communicate about it normally but what i usually do is that i call her out about what she's been doing wrong aswell. I think i've dissociated myself from these feelings that i'm unable to fix it, yet i know this is really bad. Thanks for the vid dr. K.
Thanks so much for this video! I am a psychotherapist myself and love this really layman terms of explaining emotional manipulation without it being, "omg, totes need to leave that relationship". Another one of your videos going in my therapist toolbox! Thanks Dr. K!
I made a joke last night that hurt my wife's feelings. I apologized immediately and explained why I did it (she made a similar joke right before). She went silent for about a half an hour, then told me, "You're being quiet". I apologized again for my joke, admitted fault, and I started saying the things from this video, and I ONLY used "we statements" like "What do we need to move forward together?" and then she started with the "I don't see why I have to do the work when you're the one who hurt me". Meanwhile, it's now been about an hour since I apologized and told her where I was coming from, and she's done and said NOTHING since then. She just wanted to be upset at me and was pissed that I had actually tried moving forward with this argument. I doubled down on saying "We're a team, we do things together whether they're fun stuff or serious stuff like this" and that just infuriated her more. She absolutely could not fathom the idea that she had some bit of emotional responsibility in OUR relationship. And then, I wasn't strong enough to do what Dr. K said. I couldn't remove myself until she could articulate what she wanted. I gave in. And I just kept apologizing, and then I apologized for "unintentionally insinuating that she had to fix the problem that I created". It worked in the moment. But I knew I was just caving. My takeaway is this: she doesn't know how to tell me what she needs, so I need to model for her how a person does that. It's not something I'm very good at and should be working on anyway. If you made it this far, thank you for reading.
Be careful with the caving in. She will start to lose respect for you, and even resent you for it. I know. It’s awful. I’m just trying to warn you. At first reading your story I wondered if you might have inadvertently been upset with her for getting hurt, but I do see how later she’s not working with you in amending the situation. She’s holding it over you. You’re clearly trying to make things work. She may even be resentful of you trying to be the good guy when she sees herself as the victim. Unfortunately you kind of forfeited your position when you apologized so much. But I also realize you rather not fight. Please look into manufacturing your own peace while not cutting yourself down by cowering to something that is not yours. Is there a way to allow her to marinate in her victimhood without affirming her but also without shaming her for it? (Not saying you are shaming her, but saying that’s often the reason why people hold onto that victim card so much- because they don’t want to get rid of the benefits it provides them.). Think about how she benefits when you cave. (She gets to be right, and you’re in the wrong). What is she getting out of it? (Esteem, comfort-at your expense tho! Not ok!). That’s a clue into how to handle her in these situations. Then come up with a way to provide that for her without failing yourself by caving. Can you give her esteem and comfort without apologizing or agreeing cowering to accepting you’re the bad guy? The hard part is not becoming manipulative yourself or disgruntled by doing the extra work here. Because honestly, it might take awhile for it to dawn on her, see her behavior and seek to change it. She may not. And honestly if you don’t want to, you don’t have to do this if you so choose….but there is something cool in overcoming a challenge and helping someone transform for the better. If it doesn’t work, you TRIED. But please do make sure you aren’t caving on yourself. Forfeiting your own self respect is going to ultimately fail you. Go quiet if you need to. What is it specifically you’re afraid of losing when you decide to cave? What are you saying to yourself that is much better to not lose but your self respect is? Practice that boundary with quiet assured ness. Best wishes.
You are describing my sister. I decided a year ago to stop talking to her. I realized all the years she called me, frantic w various problems, were emotional dumping. Making me the recipient of all she didn't want to deal w ie therapy. I've done a lot of work on myself. She never has. Ditto w my brother. Stopped talking to him for the same reason. Great video!
I have never had a video that made me feel more seen after being with somebody like this. They’re not bad people (for the most part) they’re just tragically sad. I did so many things to either fix it, or not give in to the manipulation. After so long I ended up lashing out and I truly regret that. I wish I had the strength to walk away sooner.
It’s so wild to have to train my own parents about managing their emotions and communication like this. It feels unfair but at the same time, it makes sense that all their time and effort went to working for our family’s physical needs and nothing else was left for this part of themselves. It’s frustrating and exhausting to have to adjust myself so that the adults don’t sink an anger or sadness hole over non-issues because eventually I’m the one who has to get them out of there. I incur and absorb so much negative things but feel like I’m also not allowed to feel these for myself, like I don’t have the right to be hurt, tired, or mad on my own.
I could never articulate the toxicity of someone hurting me, and then making me apologize for it. And it’s that emotional umbilical cord This video just relieved me in so many different ways. To quote Chris Rock “two people can move a couch real easy, one person can’t move it at all”
It took me until 36 to break this circle. I used to think i was mad, they were mad and it was just the endless circle of shes upset, I felt guilty and ended up constantly apologising and trying to be better then they were happy and telling me how fantastic i was. I had to actually get over the fear that standing up for myself felt like risking the relationship, which felt like the worse thing in the world. I did pretty much do what he says in the video and it worked. Have courage and speak.
So.. question.. Once I said, “I’ll need your help to fix this.” They responded with, “I’m not here to teach you and guide you on how to be in a relationship. That’s not my job. Also, I don’t want to alway TELL you what you need to do, you should know” The issue has always been about my past actions btw that they kept bring up daily/weekly even after I’ve changed and “resolved” the issue (i.e. being honest and transparent about everything)
I was in an extremely manipulative and emotiobally abusive relationship when i found this video. Thanks for giving me the tools to handle the situation Dr. K. It was hard but I'm in a healthy relationship now and recovering from the damage.
I've been this with a coworker ...for months. We used to be friends but it's exhausting to deal with this kind of behavior. The problem that this person is trying to get me isolated from the group. I've tried all this techniques but I've been unsuccessful.
had a friend that threw these manipulative tantrums and i always stuck up for them because i felt like they may have acted like that as a trauma response. it got so bad however, that she got wrapped in this really toxic, almost narcisistic behavior, i hate the word 'toxic', but she would call me all sorts of things and threw things at me just because i disagreed with her or just because she was in a shitty period in her life and had to take it out on someone. told me i wasn't listening, i was, i just didn't resonate with the things she said. i used to keep my mouth shut too because i wanted to be the bigger person and didn't want to ruin her reputation or anything, but in all honesty, these kind of friendships should be an open conversation because many people like me have dealt with such guilt in which they neglect themselves or keep those people around. this should be a reminder that even though someone may be in a shit period, that shouldn't make it okay to make YOU feel like that.
Sometimes if people cry, it is because they haven't had a safe space to express emotions. Some people just cry and can still talk normally and speak nicely with the partner with reassuring that it's just a body reaction.
I now understand why I struggled so much with my relationships and why I have been accused of emotional manipulation. I am autistic and as far as I know, I have struggled with expressing my needs in a socially accepted manner throughout my life. People either thought I was manipulating them when I was actually in great distress and being unable to properly communicate that. In parts due to loss of speech, in parts to due different word choice, in part due to getting really intense because the emotions were just too much to properly handle. It sounds really pathetic but there were moments when I felt like I couldnt handle all these emotions and off loaded them. And when the person said that my way of communication really wasnt fair, I swallowed my pride and said 'Okay. I am sorry, that this happened and it was not my intention. How can I treat you better? ' This is not an excuse, but a reason. I have gotten better at tolerating emotional distress and learned to use words to seek out connection instead of holding someone hostage. I do pride myself on that when someone did ask for space, a conversation or general boundary setting, that I was able to listen to them and adjust my behavior after a short outburst of emotions. It has never been my goal to harm someone for my own sake and I will honor requests for the sanity of others & ofc my own. I do have a question for people who are used to dealing with autistic people who are prone to shut downs. What do you do when someone shut downs during a conversation about boundaries and says 'the socially accepted' answers like a script such as "Now that you mention that, I am sorry that this happened to you and I will work on that". How does one handle these sorts of people? Because I do not doubt their intentions of 'wanting to work on it' yet they arent able to effectively work on their issues due to a lack of skills. And because they arent able to work on their issues, someone else either continuely address the issue or tailor a solution to the situation so that the issue can be prevented. Because the end result is still emotional manipulation, just a different subflavor of it.
As someone who is also autistic, i think personally (in regards to your story) that you weren’t in the wrong. While we should have some coping mechanisms for emotional distress, we are also not in control on these things. The other person doesn’t need to take on our negativity. Truly emotionally manipulative people do it on purpose and do it to garner sympathy. Our autistic shutdowns and meltdowns don’t compare even half to this because we aren’t actively guilt tripping others into helping us without helping ourselves. The only way I can see this being a true issue is if somehow the other person didn’t know you where autistic and/or didn’t know what to do to help. (For me personally all I need is to be left alone for a while to calm down. That takes NO energy for the other person to do.)
This video is really insightful as I think back on some relationships. It helps me to both establish better boundaries while also being empathetic to people I’ve struggled to see goodness in. I really love the balance here. Thanks, Dr. K.
Sometimes you don't realize you're being manipulated until you're out of the situation.
Not really. You can figure out that person doesn’t let you know what the problem is. Then you know they are trying to make emotional off loading to you. Easy.
And sometimes people don't really know that they are manipulative too, having parents that was somewhat manipulative I really feel that they don't believe that they are in the wrong, and so when searching for that justification they naturally redirect the blow to others, it's a sincere belief that they are innocent that lead to them blaming others, because more or less they are concerned about who's being responsible, so someone must bear the blame. And from that I do sometimes found myself acting the same way, like I do believe my own innocence when arguing, but something my gut feeling tells me what I just said is wrong and manipulative.
@@LOADING...o.o.o No, they are right. *Sometimes* you just can't know if you don't have enough resources
Yeah exactly
yer
"...an emotionally manipulative person... make their faults your problem to fix."
-Dr K.
Yuuuup
"You cant make a relationship wotk for two people." Wise words. If there's no reciprocity, secure attachment can not be built.
It bothers me whenever someone manipulative doesn't get that the entire purpose behind the relationship is a mutual connection and sharing care.
@@voices4dayz469 they completely get it, they just want to freeload so they get all benefit at no cost. They act like they don’t get it so you are inclined to write them off as ignorant and not malicious. Hanlon’s razor.
If people will not take responsibility to me that is a narc sign. Effem.
That hit me. Thank you.
@@voices4dayz469 Manipulative people can change. I have a first hand experience, I was the one! I simply couldn't control myself and this manipulation program was invoked in me every time the conditions were right, and from my experience it is almost an automatic behavior. I realized it, unfortunately it took good relationships to fall apart, but eventually I learned how to speak, how to deal with my anger and bad feelings without attempts to punish everyone around for it. So, it's not hopeless.
I'm too autistic to be emotionally manipulated. I realized too late that I would always kindly and naively deflect thier attempts at manipulation and that they would get upset and emotionally distant over it while I'm still cheery and act like as if nothing changed lol.
Im autistic aswell but i do notice, but i can dodge it often aswell ^^
I’m also on the spectrum and I definitely only have fought my mom’s manipulation for the last decade because of my disconnect. It still fucks with my self worth and such, but she’s never been able to successfully use me to process her emotions lol.
Super power 😂
I'm autistic but I am very bothered by it. Might be because of trauma though, you'd have to be raised in a better enviroment.
"I'm too autistic to be emotionally manipulated" is such a metal quote i can't believe I found it in a random comment section
My mom does this. She's done this for ages, it really breeds negativity in the family. Although my dad takes the brunt of it, my sister and I have got our fair share of this growing up. Problem is that she takes any attempt at getting her to visit a therapist as an attack on her and her behaviour gets really bad when we do this. She cries enough to alert the neighbours and tells terrible stuff about my dad, my sister and how we are utter failures as children and as a husband. This increases our guilt and ultimately we get tired. She's able to continue that pointless argument while without breaking a sweat for hours on end. Even after we stop, she's not done until the day is over.
I was prompted to watch the vid because my mom does the same crap too. In my experience tho, I’ve found that the people they cry wolf to basically can see through their alligator tears for the most part. I think it’s because of the way they tell their story. It comes across being so inauthentic where others silently pick up on it, and then keep that person at arms length. Nonetheless, it still doesn’t takeaway from how utterly draining the whole shit show is.
@TH-cam Guy Maybe you can buy the room darkening window film. Or board up your window with cardboard and thumbtacks. If she allows you to use thumbtacks for hanging things on your walls, you can use thumbtacks to block out your window. Please don't allow her to keep abusing you. This kind of abuse can cause immune disorders that make your life hell. So on top of your mother's bs you will also have to deal with being sick and in pain constantly.
@TH-cam Guy Please do what you can to protect yourself.
This is exactly my mother, father, and brother. My mother can't even show up to family therapy and forget about my father. I tell her something hurts...she hurts me more. I stopped talking to my brother who is a domestic abuser 15 months ago b/c the trauma-informed therapy program I am in knows well what I deal with and the harm in how they undo all the hard work. My mother then projects and hurts me. I don't understand how a mother can't love her child..yet loves the abusive coke-addict son. (same type of guys I once dated where she stopped talking to me). The hiding, lies, and denying is soul crushing. She once even threatened to have my brother drag me out of her car...wanting violence on her own daughter who already dealt with multiple violent abusive acts & trying to heal from it.
It hurts because my maternal grandparents raised me and loved me, even in my faults...And they also had to defend & protect me a lot against all 3. It hurts not having an honest, healthy family. I have none.
Chuck her in the looney bin! Hahahaha
I feel like he should've used better or different examples than crying as a manipulation tactic. The most manipulative people can actually be quite stoic and calm, and they bring out the emotional outburst in you
This too
Truueee like damnnn
In my experience, crying is a very powerfull tool for inducing guilt, I just find this one the worse to try and resist.
It's the one being abused that cries more. Prodded. Reactive abuse. It's only some people that cry manipulatively. Please correct your stance
Crying is a tactic too but he used a few examples
I don’t necessarily think the person manipulating is always the one crying. Sometimes the one crying is battling an emotional manipulator who would die before they cry. They manipulate with anger and silence which causes the other to cry. When you tell an emotional abuser what you want often times they take it personal, put it on you, and you end up crying and apologizing to keep peace. I think I take offence to crying always being put on the manipulator. Some people just cry when they hurt. I know I need help!
I agree. I was with a cheater who said it was my fault and I would cry when he would get distant and cold and ignore me. He would say I was manipulative for crying and not respecting his boundaries. Because I was upset he’d cheat and he would stop responding to me.
So true
The manipulator who cries sheds no tears. They screw up their faces to look like they're crying but it's all an act.
@@halloweendancing classic your tears violated his boundaries. It is sad they will never know the true emotions behind our tears, more sad is that they will never feel those feelings.
The key difference. Is thatnyou communicated what you want & how feel. He was manipulating you.
In this video hes talking about someone who weaponizes their tears with 0 communication. They're not hurt at all. They just want avoid accountability by crying when they are being addressed. They use crying as a deflection & a way to move the goal post. Kinda like what you're going through but in the reverse.
I wish I saw this information earlier in my life. I'm the manipulative person and the worst part of it is everytime I behave like this it all feels 1000% true and real. It's like my body and mind can't figure out how to express and how to calm down.
I grown up with an alcoholic abusive father and my mother worked as a nurse and were absent sometimes for few days in a row trying to escape the household. My father was emotionally manipulative too and I think I picked up lots of bad behaviours from him.
Bless my patient and understanding husband.I was in therapy and improved a lot, but the manipulative part of me is still very present. :(
Sorry you had to go through that :/ from a place of empathy, I'm still dealing with my mom's emotional manipulation to this day
I can tell you what I would want from her: when she's mad and hurt so she's lashing out, I wish she'd take a second to figure out what she's actually feeling and what's actually hurting her (and maybe even say it out loud)
I know you never want to hurt the people around you, so if you can recognize when your mind is there you'll go a long way towards reducing that
I appreciate you even acknowledging that you might have something to work on - doing better than most of us
This is a little bit different from someone who tries to hurt other s and control things for their own gain. You might have it out of a self preservation mechanism.
The first step of healing is acceptance. Youre already doing 100x better than most people :)
Acknowledging the situation & taking steps to change go a long way. Having been with someone with this behavior who refuses to admit anything is wrong or that he needs help is crushing. I had to figure out that I could ever make him happy & walk away, because it was literally killing me. It manifested physically & despite a very serious diagnosis, our life was still all about him, his feelings, how he’s the victim.
The steps you are taking are turning toward your partner and repair. That makes all the difference in the world.
I wish you & your spouse every happiness. It sounds like you have a good partner.
@@gomes7066 I agree ❤
My husband does this, except instead of crying it was extreame anger. IF I was calm and said I wasn't a mind reader, he would explode. If I was getting worked up he'd be so calm. He would respond to this type of approach withstraight rudeness, berate me, everything was my fault (not an appropriate response) and when I would suggest actionable things, like going to therapy(even couple's therapy), he would act like I was trying to change him as a person.
We are getting a divorce in June. I'm struggling to survive, but I am so much happier now that someone isn't telling me I'm shit all the time.
how are you now?
I hope you’re doing okay now!
My ex was exactly like this. Unbelievably controlling. He broke me as a person. I used to be a stable normal person who could handle stress and I was highly motivated.
I’d suggest that if you’re living with someone like this and you keep asking them for what you need abs they keep NOT changing their ways, pleaseeeee get out !!!
Do NOT tell them you are leaving or it will get way worse. Force yourself to take secret steps to leave. Lie if you have to about taking a trip to a relative or something and then just keep making up excuses why you can’t come home until you’re settled in your new place and only then can you tell them you aren’t leaving. lol
Good for you. Recognizing there is no way to fix a relationship with someone who thinks there is nothing wrong with them is freedom. You can just walk away.
With spouses like that you don't need enemies!
A really good indication that you're being manipulated is if you're afraid of saying anything to the person. I've learned to recognize when I'm being manipulated, but I've also learned to recognize when I'm manipulating someone else, to see my fears reflected back at me. I tend to see a lot more claims of people being manipulated by others than vice versa, which doesn't really square, unless I accept that most people have both been manipulated and manipulated others. That's my intuition, which is of course biased. But I do feel a need to cultivate empathy for both conditions, mostly for myself.
Thanks for sharing this
Yes!
I was genuinely able to relate to your answer. I really don't know most of the time if I am being manipulated or not not, but there are people around me( not family) to whom I would never want to share my experiences and I am deadly afraid to share my emotions with them but somehow I end up questioning if I am the problem and doing what they want me to do. I have never reached a definitive answer of my questioning myself but I do know one thing - I never get angry towards them, feel a ton of guilt and anxiety when I even think about them. The confusion that I am suffering from is due to lack of self awareness and lack of ability to discern the situation but I do know that strong negative emotions are present.
So would you like to share some situations where you realised that you are being manipulated so that I can have some awareness if something similar happens to me.
This video was on spot. I gave up my fight with my partner who's emotionally manipulative. The literal exact thing you said. Led to anxiety, depression, and I am now burnt out. We're on a break now, and I don't think I'm getting back together. I don't know if I can trust her to not do it again. 6 years in, it hurts to let go but I can't take it anymore. I even offered to take us to therapy, but she wanted me to work on myself first, not realising that she was one of the biggest problems that caused me to be depressed.
Break up with her, its for your own best.
You guys need more positive usernames
@@TheAngryDoctor92 No. We should continue this trend.
I recently broke up with my girlfriend after 3 1/2 years. One of the hardest things I’ve ever done because you just want a relationship where both people build each other up instead of the other person tearing you down. You’re not alone dude. Whatever you decide, I hope you find things in life that make you happier.
I'm in kind of the same situation. 5 years on, and we're heading towards a break(she's moving out in July). I've chosen to remain single for a while after
Another problem with these kind of people is that many of them aren't even aware of their behavior
Yep. It’s learned and passed down. If faulty behavior is all that is modeled to you, you will be oblivious to that faulty behavior until you’re somehow made aware. Even then, sometimes people are made aware and because of emotional raw spots they will disregard it -for some sort of self preservation.
Yeah... No, thanks. I've been in these kinds of relationships too many times. Every time I have been blamed to be the manipulator, to be emotionally immature, have been guilt tripped into putting up with bad behavior and had to bear the consequences of other people's actions. I'm tired of it... And it's been a great relief for me to accept that it's not my responsibility to fix that person and that their actions and situations are not my fault. The day I realized that I learned to walk away.
Life is too short to be someone's unpaid therapist. There's people out there who aren't fundamentally broken and truly appreciate your time. Seek out connections with those and remain friendly but distant with everyone else.
💯
My dad is that way except he will actively blame you for everything and it's not soft crying, it's yelling and cursing and refusing to take any sort of responsibility. I always ended up crying after our arguments and he was calm, begrudgingly quiet, sure, but calm. I luckily don't live with my parents anymore but every time I visit, he'll eventually get angry or frustrated enough he'll take it on me on my mom and the cycle goes again. Idk why I expect things to be different every time I visit. It's annoying when you have to be more emotionally mature than your parents
this is my exact experience with my dad. constant deflection of emotions, so much rage
Poor guy imagine living in his head lol just constant panic
Yeah, the crying part can be replaced with angry bursts and it works for both genders.
this, I feel so seen
If ur able to be more emotionally mature than them, at least that means you're not turning into them.
Honestly at some point I am tired of doing all this extra cognitive and emotional work for someone who doesn't lift a finger in years or decades. There are enough people in the world with whom you can have a healthy dynamic to at some point say enough. If they want to keep the relationship they need to do some inner work with a professional which is not me.
Edit to add: I appreciate dr. K's work and effort. But if you don't have an extensive emotional/psychological tools, training and experience and frankly, authority that he has, trying to "re-train" emotionally manipulative people without them addressing deeper issues feels pretty futile and almost manipulative as well. If an adult acts like a toddler majority of time- goodbye.
Yeah they often don't want to admit or recognize that they have a problem. They often will say that that kind of dynamics is 'normal'.
+1
Life is already complicated enough!
Besides, I can't imagine a dumpster, that argued me not to trow my garbage in it! 😆
yup. specially if the person is emotionally manipulative and in denial of their problems/refuses to seek professional help
@@minnkhant7845 Yup! you'll get the classic "This is just who I am".
@@Smashologist or “I will not be muzzled” 😂
"You're left playing darts with a blindfold trying to hit the bullseye". Lol! Perfectly said. That's exactly what it's like trying to communicate with a volatile, emotionally immature person. Context: I'm a month out of a 4yr relationship which turned domestically violent. Please step away from these types of people if your first few attempts to resolve issues fail, as some can get worse - much, much worse and you'll actually get injured for your trouble.
I wish I had discovered this channel 5 years ago. Even though I’ve only discovered it recently, my understanding of mental health has improved massively. I can’t thank this channel enough for giving me the tools to not only understand myself better, but to also protect myself from being manipulated or taken advantage of again.
channels not even 5 years old haha
SO glad to hear this is helping. Best of luck on your journy of self growth and healing! 🥰
I wish i could have discovered the channel 1 year back than i could get my crush doesnt feel uncomfortable while talking to me i had zero knowledge about how to talk bilkul chutiya aadmi ki tarah baat krke saare raaste block kr diye 😢
@@johnpulawski35 not the point
I brought a notebook and popcorn
How do you write with popcorn 🙃?
@@ajthevillageidiot by smearing cheese/glaze/oil all over it
@@ajthevillageidiot You win!
@@ajthevillageidiot I’m trying to figure out how long to put the notebook in the microwave
Got the weighted blanket and hot chocolate 🤞 I am READY
Even reading through the comments has been so therapeutic. I cannot thank you enough for building this community of people willing to share openly like this. I have enjoyed your videos before, but this one was extremely significant to me. Thank you very much for what you do and how you communicate it.
You have no idea how much I needed this dr. k 😢 on my second year of going no contact with my ex bestie who was the emotionally manipulative one in the friendship, and everything you’ve brought up checks all the boxes including the possible trauma that they face. Doesn’t mean they can go on transferring their emotions onto others like that tho. It just gets tiring after a while having to constantly give in to them and feel responsible for THEIR life and THEIR emotions
This was basically my entire life, ive had a narcissistic and emotionally unstable parent it was basically this game of chicken every single day nonstop.
I would also say one thing, docter K makes a mistake in my opinion. He talks of a person who offloads their emotions but mostly as it inspiring guilt in you. And that there is a reasonable path to take but sometimes there just aren't one at all. With the person in my life trying that would lead to disaster because instead you would be blamed harder and harder and put under more and more stress instead. Admitting fault meant taking responsibility until every little thing i did was wrong and there was no ceiling for how far it could go.
However admitting no fault was just as disastrous, the only thing i could do was take some responsibility and as soon as it kinda went "phase two" do the grey rock or deny responsibility in a somewhat apathetic way. Of course sometimes the person would blow up no matter what so there is that.
Its just, sometimes there is no middle way and you just have to get out.
On the contrary remember that if you feel hurt about something its not manipulative to talk with someone about that emotion even if they cant fix your issue, you might make them sad but you aren't offloading responsibility onto them as much, thats just talking to a friend about a problem and thats okay.
I’m so sorry! 😢 I’m going on year 6 of no contact with my ex best friend. It’s SO hard & heartbreaking. But you gotta do what’s best for you, unhealthy relationships will absolutely drain the life out of you. You got this! 💪🏼
Being married to an "emotional manipulator" for 30 years I will attest to this being good advice. To be honest the biggest contributor to being manipulated is being manipulated. It's difficult to step back and realize just how responsible you are for amplifying the situation. Being a "fixer" (which is also a manipulation) is awesome in mutually understanding relationships. Two under developed people on opposite ends of the emotional intelligence spectrum feels so good in the beginning. Pressure on one side fills the vacuum on the other. But eventually both vessels become pressurized creating an explosion of emotion of which neither understands how to mitigate. It took 20years to start to realize this and still working on it to this day.
Much love
Love is not happiness but happiness is love.
A fixer and an emotional manipulator fall in love, you'll never guess what happens next!
I'm not sure that being a 'fixer' is inherently manipulative. I've definitely realized that it can be controlling or inconsiderate, but I think the manipulation part is only a potential aspect. There's a lot of ways to go about trying to fix a relationship or partner and they all have thier roots in trauma, and also are doomed to failure... sigh
how is being a 'fixer' a form of manipulation? It's pretty much recognised to be a result of trauma.
@@richardmccabe2392 As is, if you paid attention to the video, emotional manipulation. Also a result of trauma.
@richardmccabe2392 you're regulating your self worth through the reaction of a person outside of yourself. You're essentially trying to control them. You wanting to help may be genuine but at the end of the day if you are a boundaried individual you have to realize what is and what is not your responsibility
You have just explained most people in my life. I sort of knew what these people we're doing but you articulated it beautifully.
I'm old to be here. Our boomer parents saw our emotions as a burden, we were encouraged to be hyper independent and this is exactly what causes emotional manipulation.
The awful thing is I ended up with someone who was horribly abusive this was because he couldn't deal with any emotion.
I love these techniques but then should come with a warning some people cant be helped, and there is nothing wrong with walking away from a manipultor. Walking away may save you from a horrible life, it may even save your life.
Just realized I’ve been emotionally manipulated for years thanks dr k 💀
Interesting how this video came out a day after I cut off one of my manipulative friends. Even their last message to me was them trying to make me feel bad about leaving them.
It's like being a chicken in a tornado. Your so busy and distracted trying to survive being blown up, down and around. Only when it's over, do you see the damage
Excellent visual. So true.
true i also realize it when they comeback i just feel awful, like why are they here...they might good people in some cases just not good for me...planning my escape quietly
I bet if you send this video to someone that is EM, they would think they are the person being manipulated.. That's how deep it goes.
No I am too tired to empathize with manipulators anymore. Childhood trauma is not an excuse for playing games
Exactly.
I understand where your coming from and your not obligated to deal with them. But it’s important to remember that these people are really suffering and have never been taught how to process their horrible experiences. I grew up around manipulators and became one for a while, until my current boyfriend. He helped me see what I was doing and I didn’t even realize the affects I was having on the people around me because I was so consumed by anger and fear. Thank god for this channel and for compassionate people in my life. Not everyone is willing to change but my advice would be to try to show compassion and set healthy boundaries.
Hurt people should do their work.
Facts the shit is irritating.
Then you can absolutely feel free to cut them out of your life! The premise of this video was not that you have any sort of obligation to help them. The premise is that sometimes people do want to stay and help. If you want to stay and help, this is the sort of information you'll need to have a shot at success. If you don't want to stay and help (which is fine!), then you can disregard this entire video. You're not the target audience.
Holy crap. My college roommate/friend was doing this to me for months after they lost their last person to offload onto. I finally put my foot down in February and somehow did exactly what you said and got the response you predicted. Watching this video for the first time three months later blew my mind with how predictable it all is and how I almost nailed the redirect technique you offered. Unfortunately, I had to end our friendship over this because I couldn't handle their crap on top of my own and nothing I could say or do would have fixed that. Thanks for talking about this, it made my day.
College roommates are the worst for this kind of stuff. In college now and it’s gotten to the point that I’m just going to get a single room from now on because it’s really not something you want to be dealing with on top of the courseload.
Dude fr fr. I support the single college apt life, but I will say it had me mega depressed when one bad roommate dropped mid-term leaving me by myself for a semester. It mostly came down to me not being prepared, but ya know, you live and you learn. Good luck with the grind mate
I have been learning to not be emotionally manipulative, and not long ago I was able to tell my close friends what are my boundaries in order for us to have a healthy relationship. They were completely ok with it, and we all are happy and supportive.
Fun thing is that recently I got emotionally manipulative stuff from my boss when I was at a really vulnerable moment. I was able to catch it, but in this case I was just like sure, really sorry. Now I’m taking actions to establishing healthy boundaries to keep myself safe. Hope they’ll work 🤞🏻
"you are someone who does not like to feel negative emotion" I had to be convinced that was the case because I spent a very long time being told I 'like being miserable' and 'just want to make other people miserable'
I grew up in a family who does this. Living in it was exhausting and made me really ill. Moving out and having boundaries was the best way I could cope with it. I also won’t go in to or stay in relationships that it happens in too.
As my mental health continues to improve, it gets even easier to watch and learn from these videos, even if I don't think that they will relate to me. Every single time, Dr. K mentions something that I didn't know I needed to hear. Thanks dude
There should be a course required for all high school students that features at least several of Dr Ks videos
Just don't. Just leave. Don't reward these monsters with your presence. These types of people are almost always financially abusing you as well.
OMG I jus realized that's what my boyfriend is trying to do that
My ex was like that. Didn't backed down until I apologized. Few times I had enough they would come talk to me like nothing happened, no apologies (I always apologised for my mistakes), nothing. This broke my spirit over time...
hard to say tbh. id say its probably situational and depends on where ur partner is on the emotionally manipulative spectrum. like how bad/frequent/severe it is. i had a partner in the past (w bpd, and i also have bpd so this really isnt about that. but he always used his bpd as a shield for his actions instead of just an explanation and learning and growing) but he was so aware of how emotionally manipulative he could be (we both were, we talked about it a lot and he would pretend and promise to make changes that would ofc never happen) and i think that's a red flag to leave. if the person has no idea and isnt doing it on purpose, i can see wanting to try and work it out. just about 3 years i wasted on that man.
Right ON!
No! They are human beings. Watch Dr K on red flags.
What we do in today's world is we treat each others as products -> It's faulty, so I will go grab another one.
Don't treat people like that, please.
They may be good folks and usually are, with badly stuck thinking and behavioral patterns. Don't throw away people easily.
Timestamp: 21:21 The negotiation of the articulation. The crux of where the power play in the relationship is equalized. It still provides vulnerability and room for advocacy and assertive communication, but there is no guessing. There's gotta be shared problem solving. This maneuver at least allows both parties know what their willing to do to keep the relationship. There is no reinforcement of the transference of negative emotion. Timestamp: 24:44. The summary of the to-do list to try to solve this problem. Loved this video! It illuminated the dysfunctional pattern, provided succinct game plan for intervention. I didn't see this in a way where negotiation equalized the power dynamic, or at least showed where the transference occurs.
I used to be the manipulator, I sometimes still am. Recently I’ve been trying to get my head out of my ass and understand how I feel before lashing out to others. I feel really sorry for my previous partner, I just never learned to communicate my feelings properly and I gave him so much pressure by crying. It must have been really hard for him.
Now I try to be a better person, when I feel anxiety, I remind myself of what my ideal self would do in the same situation, and I calm myself down using psychology tools I learned. It’s been working! (Also I’m 24 now, getting more mature everyday and learning from life)
I hope everyone can progress and do better!
@@Gravity.96 nicca you the opps😹😹
This video actually helped me realize how I can be a little emotionally manipulative myself. Instead of solving problems, sometimes I just get upset with people… but now if I can catch myself doing it I can apologize and decide to work towards solutions as a more healthy individual ❤
That is so amazing, I hope you are proud of yourself! I also think it is human to sometimes just be upset - as long as you are able to communicate it afterwards, take accountability and come up with solutions. We are not machines and of course when we get for example some weird news, it will make us emotional and the logic is not there yet :D Once we go through the initial wave of emotions, then we take the steps necessary. And by practicing this I hope the time for us to process the first emotional hit gets shorter and shorter :))
But I don't know, maybe this is just me.
This perfectly nailed an issue I'm experiencing in a relationship. After I resisted running to them when the signs started appearing, somewhat of a breakthrough in taking responsibility finally occurred. And while journaling and reflecting on everything, I think I hit the nail on the head with how to put it: "Resentment is a poison, and I'm tired of being your antidote."
This dynamic sounds like one between a parent and child rather than two adults in a romantic relationship. It sounds like they're not ready for a relationship and need time away to work on themselves. Very helpful video, as always!
I noticed that I've been both the manipulator and also the person who was being manipulated. ive definitely said that thing of "if you dont know what i feel, i cant help you". and it is because i struggled to articulate my feelings because my parents were emotionally abusive and neglectful so i never learned how to own them and express myself without fear. i also was in a situation where the emotionally manipulative person was accusatory and angry and would tell me he forgave me for something i did but then constantly weaponize it against me when he engaged in toxic behaviors like ghosting, pressuring me out of my boundaries, and cursing at me, and the complicated thing was i did reinforce some of his trauma, but only as a response to the unbalanced way he was throwing all of the emotional baggage onto me. i showed myself as open and willing to work out my mistakes and fix the problem but he just couldnt be there with me to fix it. he just wanted to victimize himself and stay in the hole and not move forward while trying to get me to move both of us forward. he couldnt admit his own faults but wanted me to carry both his faults and mine. but i didnt even know what to do with it because he wouldnt tell me. and if i did try to guess and make sacrifices like spend lots of money to be with him or stop talking to certain people in my life, he never acknowledged it and would continue to hold grudges. so while i empathize with him because i know what its like to not know how to deal with the trauma, its also difficult because you realize that no one is going to help you if you cant do the work in yourself.
I came to a hard realization after being in a relationship with an emotionally manipulative person and having experience trauma myself.
Understanding why someone behaves the way they do doesn't mean you have to justify or tolerate it. In cases where there is no progress being made and you keep hurting yourselves, it might be for the better to step away and move on.
I don't have the energy to be emotionally manipulated.
Nope to mental gymnastics.
Brooo I swear idk how you always put out videos at the exact time that I need them it's insane
"bludgeoning you with your own emotions" is a spot-on metaphor for emotional manipulation
Stoic people can be very manipulative too. If you express anything, they will make it a competition on who's the most "chill" and by default you lose. I knew a guy who stonewalled, gaslit, blamed and acted like the mediator scheming behind every conflict he was not even involved in to appear and seem like a savior. I'm pretty reactive and learned to stay neutral but feel like I'm doing myself violence to pretend his efforts to undermine, take the spotlight from, ostracize and isolate me does not affect me at all. All my biggest life achievements he found a way to make it about himself. When I lost my job, he was the only one who didn't reach out. Then he kept spreading rumors that I'm a negative and awful person for feeling down and not wanting to hang out. Some others, also immature and insecure, jumped onto the bandwagon w him. I never had a worse friend. I cut him off but ended up feeling guilty myself. At the end of the day I'm just happy he isn't around for my other big achievements
That is not a stoic person, that's 100% a soziopath.
Stoicism has nothing to do with manipulating and gaslighting.
more like a machiavellian masquerading as a stoic. stoicism isn't about a chill unflappable facade and (acting/behaving like) not giving a fuck, it's about honestly acknowledging how one feels without letting emotional impulses have free reign over decision making and actions. stoics will ask themselves: "was my decision more intelligent, fair, courageous, and with an honest will to act and see something through, or was it rather more stupid, unfair, cowardly, and lazy?" then assess and do better :)
Yes, it’s called the “projective identification process”. So it’s not just simple projection they get you to identify with the projection and then they feel relief. They don’t have to feel the unwanted emotions. They provoke them in you and see them manifested and released that way.
You are right! Like the self-fulfilling prophecy kinda thing? I do acknowledge it in myself - the deep fears filling up my head and then I am picking on small things because I want to desperately protect myself, and am taking the small issues as a PROOF that they will hurt me in the future. And then they ofc get fed up with my BS and bang.... :))
Underrated
I am so thankful Dr. K made this video. This has been a major issue in my life with my South Asian parents. I don’t want to emotionally dump like they do because of their past trauma. I have done a lot of self reflection and this video has been an excellent aid.
This is the perfect video for me. I feel attacked by people I love all the time, and if I try and point out something that they did that may have lead to something, I get attacked more
I sometimes think her deciding to break up with me the moment I tried to communicate that I felt this way as a blessing in disguise.
Watching this... oof. Yes I was feeling this way but it perpetuated my own trauma response of people pleasing which was not a healthy way to be in a relationship.
They don't want to do the work whilst in the relationship, it is not good for your personal mental health.
This helped me feel less stupid or ashamed for being emotionally manipulated.
EDIT: lmfao its been less than a month and she is with the dude she told me not to worry about. If someone is even slightly giving this vibe again nah I ain't doing it. This is the second time of this for me LOL.
Haha had a similar experience, once i started to realize and become aware of the problems that it wasnt solely on me they bailed out. Cheers, we werent becoming susceptible to their manipulation anymore.
@@SemekiIzuio nah fr bro they see that you can't be manipulated anymore so drop you before you drop them 😂
I just hope they get the help they need to be better and find genuine happiness. Repeating cycles can't be any fun when happiness is a constant disappointment for them because it's an illusion since they can never show up authentically and have to play people.
Glad to hear you're out of it too!
Did we date the same person? Lmfao.
This is called narcissistic women
@@cdorothy444 that term is thrown around a lot inaccurately. There can be narcissistic traits perhaps from other mental health conditions. NPD is a personality disorder that has many traits and facets as well as being a disorder itself.
People without mental health disorders can be emotionally manipulative. Let's not generalise or demonise.
Partner did this to me yesterday. He came home frustrated and started yelling. I told him I don’t like yelling and kept to myself. He got mad that I didn’t give him a hug. Like dude I don’t want to hug someone who’s yelling. He then calls me selfish because I’m only thinking of myself.
This video speaks to my soul as someone who was unconsciously dealing with implicit expectations for most of his adult life. So much so that he started placing them on himself because of how normalized it was. Amazing as always man.
I was in a band where the vocalist turned everyone against me over the course of a year. It was bizarre how ugly he spoke to me, and the other members stood there like bots just enabling everything. Sometimes I still get stuck in just trying to make sense of things.
This is the most clear explanation of what it is like to live with a manipulative partner. Thank you for making this.
Oh my, I fear I am emotionally manipulative. I don't mean to be a bad person, but I often don't know how to handle conflicts and how to express what I want and need. Partly because I really don't know and partly because I feel overwelmed by the conflict and am kind of petrified. It's hard for me to be reasonable in that cases, so I prefer to leave the conflict, avoid my partner and stay angry/sad/hurt to show him, how much the conflict disturbed me. I HAVE to stop that
I think the best thing you could do is ask yourself if you are capable of taking on constructive criticism when it's being brought you fairly. Assuming the other person isn't being overbearing, domineering, or abusive in their criticism, you should be capable finding ways to handle the feeling of guilt and use that to motivate you to work together on resolving the issue.
The thing about manipulative people is that often tines they dont want to fix problems because they are the ones benefiting from the unbalanced relationship so why would they change if they are happy? They dont actually care if youre happy in the relationship youre just there to serve them. These are narcissistic/sociopathic people and youre better off leaving them forever.
This is the one
I don't believe deep down these people are truly happy
@@Steven-sd2zi they might not be happy but that’s mostly cause they don’t know how to be.
This was the situation with my ex. He always said he was happy in the relationship, I was not. Almost every day, he put me down and belittled and blamed me for everything, and after he said it was all just jokes and what my problem was, I should just laugh. When I broke up with him, he said I was the problem, that he did nothing wrong, and that it was not about him. I told him I was unhappy and he said this was not true. He told me he knew I was happy most of the time and that when I said I was unhappy according to him I was just exaggerating.
@@vickygolle8000 i’m glad you got out of that situation. please don’t go back if you were not happy. i wish you the best
I'm now seeing the learned behaviors from my mom. I remember feeling guilty when I wouldn't do all my chores while my parents were gone. I feel like I've been acting like this to my roommate. He's not as tidy as I am, and I'm struggling to communicate that we need to both work to keep our place clean, I end up doing more than my fair share.
This is the kind of video I need to take serious notes on, it could help if I actually implement some of these strategies
This hit hard. I had a friendship where I felt like my boundaries weren’t respected. After I’d let that go on for way too long, I finally lashed out and admitted my resentments to them. That launched a year of what I now recognize was emotional manipulation, where the onus to repair their trust in me and “fix” our friendship was entirely on me. That friend was going through a lot, and I don’t think they were or are a bad person, but I felt like shit that entire year feeling like I was bilging water out of a sinking boat while they stood by and watched. I eventually just had to take a huge step back-and as soon as I stopped showing up, they began to pretend I didn’t exist. I wish I’d had this video back then, though to be honest I don’t know if I would have been ready to recognize how I was contributing to the situation when I was in it. Thank you for laying these difficult situations out and giving solid advice in such an approachable way!
That analogy of a sinking boat is eerily how I described a friendship where more or less the same thing happened. I expressed a boundary, it was repeatedly crossed, finally i make a long-winded callout and exactly as you, i got stonewalled and treated like I was being an asshole for having a boundary, which turned into this weird year-long "fix" that i took too much responsibility for that eventually drove me up a wall.
I'm thankful for information like this being out there.
Me and my ex recently broke up. I often expressed myself in an objective way, just to get my feelings out there and make them open to talk about. As any partner would and should, right? This resulted in her going in either defensive and/or attack mode. She would not make me feel heard or validate my feelings at all, but instead, try to make me question myself by either judging me, laughing at me or comparing me to other people. The times we had in person were great, but whenever it came down to expressing feelings, or even having a discussion about something personal, she really showed the manipulative side of her. During the last fight we had, she denigrated me, laughed at me and tried to rationalise as well as justify it by saying that because she thinks it was just, I shouldn't feel that way and therefore I'm at fault. All I ask of someone is to show some empathy and at least try to put themselves in my shoes and vice versa. In the end she said I have to get my shit together and get therapy, whilst she claimed that she has nothing to work on herself. This all happened yesterday. She's 20 and I'm 25, and the gap in wisdom, emotional maturity and just regular communication was really big. Luckily, I noticed these patterns early on. Still, it hurts. It hurts to open yourself up and give your heart to someone, only to have said person spit on it and not even take it serious.
I relate to this situation, kinda same happened to me. I just mentioned certain things in her attitude that made me upset and disrespected and she just called me pathetic and embarrassing. Then gave me ultimatum if I didn't respond accordingly she would cut me off for life, naturally I didn't give in and it's been a month no word from her, blocked me on every social media i could reach her
@@daviti4611 I admire how you opened yourself up to her by addressing certain patterns in her behavior that made you feel upset and disrespected. You made yourself vulnerable and expressed yourself. It's sad that someone who claims to love you, can be so disregarding of your feelings.
Good for you for not giving into her ultimatum and therefore reassuring and endorsing that kind of manipulative behavior.
@@1337Kryptiiq thanks brother, we gonna make it 💪
I'm not sure why, but I find myself laughing out loud to your videos. You're so spot on right. Amazing. But, I also find myself understanding myself from a different point of view, and it helps me try to avoid doing that thing. So, thank you.
Thank you for helping me stay mindful of things like this. I thought myself impervious to this kind of manipulation but your examples and my response to them made me realize how vulnerable I still am to being manipulated. Thank you for helping me further myself you’re a great teacher!
This is almost undoubtably the most problematic issue I've had. I've felt I don't have the tools to deal with this even though I feel close. I've felt so cornered and I just can't justify verbally how the "emotional offloading" is problematic. It's always justified by what their therapist told them. Thank you so much Dr. K!
I think we all need also a guideline for the emotionally manipulative people, from their perspective... How to recognize that one üs manipylative themselves and heal from it
I think it takes A LOT of self-reflection... Of course first you notice that there is some kinda pattern in your life... Which is causing you a lot of pain. If you are not a total a**, you will wonder if that perhaps could be you in a way, because it seems quite unlikely that the entire world would be against you, right :)) Again - A LOT of self-reflection and A LOT of time! Supporting environment helps - ofc therapy, friends etc. But be mindful of WHAT kind of friends. Because many times they think SUPPORT means blindly VALIDATING your perspective. Which could be harmful - as it does keep you stuck in the dark. We want friends that love us dearly, remind us that we are still good humans, but challenge our stubborn heads :))
The self-realisation comes and goes in waves - sometimes you see it. Then sometimes your self-protective coping mechanisms kick in and you logic all those things as - how can I be XYZ when THEY are the ones doing that?! ... Well, eventually it clicks in and you start understanding yourself and WHY you do it. and WHAT to do about it. Still being torn between those two states of mind. But once you see it, it is not lost. It keeps coming back to you. And revealing more and more clarity. Bit by bit. And eventually the scales shift and you become aware of it most of the time:)
(I am not saying I am done with it and am "perfect" and "healed" lol, it all is a process, right?)
Hit the nail on the head with this one. I just got out of a relationship fairly recently and this was how my partner was. How I always saw it was if I had a problem with someone or somebody upset me, I would explain what was bothering me and what I kinda would've liked instead so as to make it very clear why im upset and how to make it better. So it threw me off when he would tell me it was my fault he was upset and then very poorly explain why he felt that way, and then use one of his favorite lines "I don't know how to fix it, you need to figure it out yourself." and literally just leave me to guess on what to do. I tried explaining many times thats not how it works and then it turned into making me feel like actually I didn't understand and I was in the wrong... Had to break it off because it brought so much negativity.. Too bad this video didn't come out sooner, he was a great person deep down with a lot of trauma.
Are there other forms emotional manipulation can take besides crying? My bf sometimes seems to avoid conversations by getting really mad and kind of freaking out and insisting that I don't understand him or that there's no way he can explain himself to me; he doesn't cry, but it feels like getting really worked up/angry plays the same role. When I bring up something he did that was hurtful, I feel like I end up soothing him most of the time
Yes, that is absolutely a form of manipulation as well a being more overtly abusive. It's a way to deflect accountability and the feeling of shame that you bring up about something they did that upset you. It's all about flipping the blame and focus of the conversation back onto you. If he's behaving like this regularly, he's effectively showing you that he doesn't value your feelings or needs in the relationship.
@@Xenthosis317 thanks for your response, he is definitely lacking some emotional maturity but I'm undecided yet on how bad the problem is. He doesn't do it with everything, and it's not like he never apologizes for anything, but when it does happen it really shuts things down.
Sometimes people use the word "crying" as a rude euphemism for "emotionally acting out"
Yes, in fact, when my ex friend did this to me (what he describes as transfer of negative emotions = projective identification) *I* was the one who wanted to cry. Their are many, many ways to manipulate emotionally, including the angry freak out followed by playing the victim. And look: it gets him exactly what he's after: not having to communicate about a problem for which he will be expected to take at least partial responsibility. Like Gamer says, he isn't going to change if you keep rewarding the behaviour. And even if you start standing your ground, he might not be able to change. One suggestion from the video you might try is when he's insisting that you don't understand him, ask him if he could *calmly* explain himself to help you understand. And I suggest, stop letting him off the hook and ask yourself what impact these behaviors might have on you. Are you being trained to be his Mommy? Conditioned to never want to speak up for yourself? Good luck, hope it works out, but keep an eye on your own wellness and energy levels.
This is textbook abuser behavior. You can learn more in Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why Does He Do That?”
Appreciate you so much Dr. K. Learning to regulate your own emotions and then deal with others' emotional dysregulation/manipulation is probably one of the most important life skills today!
I am stunned at how accurate this is. Especially the guessing on what the “right thing” is without recognition.
All accurate. Closed the door on a friendship just yesterday, and I feel like a killer. Very hard to step away from the situation when the other party is constantly close to suicide. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. All I can think about is how hurt they must be. I don't feel angry, I just feel love and pain for them. But like Dr. K said... it is unsustainable.
My deepest gratitude to my friend Alex who shared this video with me today. Sis, if you somehow find this comment... please find help. I wish you wellness. I only wish we could've found wellness together.
This video made me realize I have the tendancy in fights to be emotionally manipulative. It would be interesting to see a video on the flip side of this. How to avoid becoming emotinal manipulative. It is like I loose control of my better self when I get angry or feel backed into a cornor
Moose, goose, loose.
Loosey goosey.
When you lose something then it becomes lost (loost isn't a word).
Pick one, or use all three, to remember the difference between loose and lose.
@@sallyjrwjrw6766- reading comments can sometimes give me despair. It’s obvious that people don’t read books anymore.
As for becoming emotional manipulative, it’s likely a learned behavior. If not, then it was reinforced by someone so you subconsciously developed it into getting what you ultimately wanted.
@francestaylor9156 IDK about learned behavior. Emotional manipulation comes just as easily as lying, even children do it. The problem is being on the receiving end.
That’s exactly what my mom does to me, so draining! I’m thankful for this video for reassuring me that it’s not just in my head and is a real problem and I don’t have to feel guilt and take responsibility all the time
phenomenal video, because that's the type of video i would need a year ago. but i think it's hurtful when dr.k says that caving in to the manipulation reinforces the behaviour of the manipulator, because when you are in those types of situations, you're never really allowed to be aware and realize the nature of the dynamic, and caving in to their demands by pampering them is the only solution that you can work with, amidst all the screaming, yelling and gaslighting. when it is all that you've ever learned to fend yourself with, how could you possibly know what the true right choice is? that is why knowledge is so important to escape such situations.
it hurts even worse when you keep pushing yourself to your limits so much, because you really believe in the relationship and want it to work, as some form of strange hope or wish that "soon things will be ok as long as i find a way to solve this predicament, then soon i can be in the relationship of my dreams". but that never happened, sadly. it forcefully leaves me to grieve something that never really was able to grow into something more, and that type of pain just hurts different.
God, this is EXACTLY what I had to deal with for three years with my BPD ex. I wish I knew this information sooner, but ultimately I don't think it would have changed the outcome. In the end she devalued me and discarded me, made everything my fault and she played the victim. I have been left traumatized and heart broken. She changed my brain chemistry and put my nervous system into a state of fight or flight with all the emotional abuse, constant drama in her life and her impulsive/childish behavior for those three years. Now I am trying to un-f*ck myself and I am struggling.
I really love your perspective on the fact people want to fix relationships, not just break up and run. It's always been dazzling to me how people instantly comment "leave him/her" without thinking about how good the relationship might be elsewhere. My wife and I have been through just about everything in terms of childhood trauma, emotional immaturity, drug problems, religious trauma, while having children. But we never left. And now we're both better for it. It's hard and takes time though.
As long as both of you are working to be good for each other. When one or both people have given up then it's time to end it.
I was in a very manipulative relationship in the past, all discussions were exactly like you described! If I brought some problem to them so that we could solve it in the relationship I would start feeling guilty about even bringing it to them! And I got out of it thankfully! But today I’ve started to notice that in some situations I’m acting like this and it really really scares me because I feel like I’m becoming a “monster” and becoming like them and that’s all I don’t wanna be! I don’t know how to “fix” it! Sometimes I notice it then I’m able to stop the manipulative behaviour! But sometimes it’s like a trap.
You're not a monster. You've been treated like that way too often, so your brain learned that that's how to treat others. It takes time to navigate this, and as long as you keep trying to notice it, and stop the behaviour, in time you will get better at it. Nobody is perfect, but you are doing what you can to be a better person.
If you feel like you're not progressing (fast enough), it might be worth talking to someone about that, either a trusted friend that you know won't assure you with fake positivity, or a therapist or coach.
Wish you the best of luck on your journey!
Learn to be emotional mature, when you feel a negative emotion sit on it by yourself and try to understand why you are feeling that way, what triggered. Pratice on catching it when it starts to rise up inside in you and keep calm. Its hard hahah ive been doing this myself to try not to internalize other peoples emotions/problems/projections
Thank you :D
I am not in relationship with manipulative person, because I am that person.
A lot of that stuff is irritating to me, that I am saying stuff like that, but it's coming out so normally like breating or something. I am trying to fix it and I hope I will do stuff like that really rarely.
It's not that I even want to do that, it is just escaping mechanism.
If I could give advice myself to others: Talk with each other. If it will not work first time, talk again, again, again. And try to understand each other, just because other person "is the problem" that doesn't mean you are not the other problem. We are all weird, so let's try to understand that weirdness and try to fix it :D
Dude just explained the vast majority of my relationship struggles (family, romantic partners, peers) in less than 30min. Outstanding. Wish I knew this when I was younger. Sure would have saved a lot of time!! Here's to having a brighter future with fewer stressful spiritual toddlers.😂
This is one of the best, if not the best, video I have seen on emotional manipulation! Most videos are about how to recognize it, but not many on how to deal with it. It seems so simple however, but I recognize it is very hard to stay calm and respond in a way that is described in the video. Question: how do you respond to people that try to manipulate you not in an emotional way, but more in an intellectual way? Like manipulating you with logic even though there is a whole range of emotion behind this. And no matter what you say or do, they twist it in a manner that they are always right, and you are left feeling guilty and an asshole?
Thank you for taking the time to record, edit and sharing this video!
This is rly familiar. I know people that jump to conclusions - attacking that conclusion and you’re left thinking: but wait, I didn’t say anything like that in the first place!
What might help is to repeat how you feel -> they cannot tell you how you feel. They might not acknowledge your feelings, but at least you can know that you stayed with your feelings and that they matter ❤
For me this definitely helps to see how and my I need to make effort to learn to articulate my needs better myself (i.e. speak up more). While I don't believe I'm "emotionally manipulative" per se, I can see better now how failing to communicate my needs and wants effectively is still harmful to my relationships. Thank you.
My roommate is exactly like this. She really makes her depression everyones problem but refuses to see anyone for it. The longer I live with her the more I see how she played me. But she did something she can’t make up anymore and now I don't play her game anymore.
Be free frome people who use you. I lost a bunch of "friends" over this but it was worth it.
I have no words for how HELPFUL this is! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! ❤
I want to go to a psychologist for this. I think i'm the manipulative one, but I always know that I'm doing it bcs i'm not comfortable in the relationship. I should've just communicate about it normally but what i usually do is that i call her out about what she's been doing wrong aswell. I think i've dissociated myself from these feelings that i'm unable to fix it, yet i know this is really bad. Thanks for the vid dr. K.
Thanks so much for this video! I am a psychotherapist myself and love this really layman terms of explaining emotional manipulation without it being, "omg, totes need to leave that relationship". Another one of your videos going in my therapist toolbox! Thanks Dr. K!
This was my last relationship. Now I don't want to be in another one, because I don't want to attract that energy again.
The way I sat through this whole video is insane. You speak really well.
The clarity in explaining what some of us have suffered and its so horrible that we cannot even explain it ourselves. Great job man.
I made a joke last night that hurt my wife's feelings. I apologized immediately and explained why I did it (she made a similar joke right before). She went silent for about a half an hour, then told me, "You're being quiet". I apologized again for my joke, admitted fault, and I started saying the things from this video, and I ONLY used "we statements" like "What do we need to move forward together?" and then she started with the "I don't see why I have to do the work when you're the one who hurt me". Meanwhile, it's now been about an hour since I apologized and told her where I was coming from, and she's done and said NOTHING since then. She just wanted to be upset at me and was pissed that I had actually tried moving forward with this argument. I doubled down on saying "We're a team, we do things together whether they're fun stuff or serious stuff like this" and that just infuriated her more. She absolutely could not fathom the idea that she had some bit of emotional responsibility in OUR relationship.
And then, I wasn't strong enough to do what Dr. K said. I couldn't remove myself until she could articulate what she wanted. I gave in. And I just kept apologizing, and then I apologized for "unintentionally insinuating that she had to fix the problem that I created". It worked in the moment. But I knew I was just caving.
My takeaway is this: she doesn't know how to tell me what she needs, so I need to model for her how a person does that. It's not something I'm very good at and should be working on anyway.
If you made it this far, thank you for reading.
Thank you for sharing
Be careful with the caving in. She will start to lose respect for you, and even resent you for it. I know. It’s awful. I’m just trying to warn you. At first reading your story I wondered if you might have inadvertently been upset with her for getting hurt, but I do see how later she’s not working with you in amending the situation. She’s holding it over you. You’re clearly trying to make things work. She may even be resentful of you trying to be the good guy when she sees herself as the victim. Unfortunately you kind of forfeited your position when you apologized so much. But I also realize you rather not fight.
Please look into manufacturing your own peace while not cutting yourself down by cowering to something that is not yours. Is there a way to allow her to marinate in her victimhood without affirming her but also without shaming her for it? (Not saying you are shaming her, but saying that’s often the reason why people hold onto that victim card so much- because they don’t want to get rid of the benefits it provides them.). Think about how she benefits when you cave. (She gets to be right, and you’re in the wrong). What is she getting out of it? (Esteem, comfort-at your expense tho! Not ok!). That’s a clue into how to handle her in these situations. Then come up with a way to provide that for her without failing yourself by caving. Can you give her esteem and comfort without apologizing or agreeing cowering to accepting you’re the bad guy?
The hard part is not becoming manipulative yourself or disgruntled by doing the extra work here. Because honestly, it might take awhile for it to dawn on her, see her behavior and seek to change it. She may not. And honestly if you don’t want to, you don’t have to do this if you so choose….but there is something cool in overcoming a challenge and helping someone transform for the better. If it doesn’t work, you TRIED.
But please do make sure you aren’t caving on yourself. Forfeiting your own self respect is going to ultimately fail you. Go quiet if you need to. What is it specifically you’re afraid of losing when you decide to cave? What are you saying to yourself that is much better to not lose but your self respect is? Practice that boundary with quiet assured ness.
Best wishes.
You are describing my sister. I decided a year ago to stop talking to her. I realized all the years she called me, frantic w various problems, were emotional dumping. Making me the recipient of all she didn't want to deal w ie therapy. I've done a lot of work on myself. She never has. Ditto w my brother. Stopped talking to him for the same reason. Great video!
I just had a friendship breakup for that exact reason and I'm so glad this video is helping me make sense of it.
sameee
I have never had a video that made me feel more seen after being with somebody like this. They’re not bad people (for the most part) they’re just tragically sad. I did so many things to either fix it, or not give in to the manipulation. After so long I ended up lashing out and I truly regret that. I wish I had the strength to walk away sooner.
What gets me is when I actually feel like I'm articulating the problem very clearly and they're still acting like they have no idea what I'm saying.
It’s so wild to have to train my own parents about managing their emotions and communication like this. It feels unfair but at the same time, it makes sense that all their time and effort went to working for our family’s physical needs and nothing else was left for this part of themselves. It’s frustrating and exhausting to have to adjust myself so that the adults don’t sink an anger or sadness hole over non-issues because eventually I’m the one who has to get them out of there. I incur and absorb so much negative things but feel like I’m also not allowed to feel these for myself, like I don’t have the right to be hurt, tired, or mad on my own.
Your level of understanding is incredible.
I could never articulate the toxicity of someone hurting me, and then making me apologize for it. And it’s that emotional umbilical cord
This video just relieved me in so many different ways.
To quote Chris Rock “two people can move a couch real easy, one person can’t move it at all”
I tried to be emotionally manipulative when i was a child but nobody cared about my emotions and i grew out of it 🙁
Well, thats good.
@@thesaddestdude3575 no that's terrible
@TH-cam Guy exactly, same thing
It took me until 36 to break this circle. I used to think i was mad, they were mad and it was just the endless circle of shes upset, I felt guilty and ended up constantly apologising and trying to be better then they were happy and telling me how fantastic i was. I had to actually get over the fear that standing up for myself felt like risking the relationship, which felt like the worse thing in the world. I did pretty much do what he says in the video and it worked. Have courage and speak.
So.. question.. Once I said, “I’ll need your help to fix this.” They responded with, “I’m not here to teach you and guide you on how to be in a relationship. That’s not my job. Also, I don’t want to alway TELL you what you need to do, you should know”
The issue has always been about my past actions btw that they kept bring up daily/weekly even after I’ve changed and “resolved” the issue (i.e. being honest and transparent about everything)
I was in an extremely manipulative and emotiobally abusive relationship when i found this video. Thanks for giving me the tools to handle the situation Dr. K. It was hard but I'm in a healthy relationship now and recovering from the damage.
I've been this with a coworker ...for months. We used to be friends but it's exhausting to deal with this kind of behavior. The problem that this person is trying to get me isolated from the group. I've tried all this techniques but I've been unsuccessful.
had a friend that threw these manipulative tantrums and i always stuck up for them because i felt like they may have acted like that as a trauma response. it got so bad however, that she got wrapped in this really toxic, almost narcisistic behavior, i hate the word 'toxic', but she would call me all sorts of things and threw things at me just because i disagreed with her or just because she was in a shitty period in her life and had to take it out on someone. told me i wasn't listening, i was, i just didn't resonate with the things she said. i used to keep my mouth shut too because i wanted to be the bigger person and didn't want to ruin her reputation or anything, but in all honesty, these kind of friendships should be an open conversation because many people like me have dealt with such guilt in which they neglect themselves or keep those people around. this should be a reminder that even though someone may be in a shit period, that shouldn't make it okay to make YOU feel like that.
Sometimes if people cry, it is because they haven't had a safe space to express emotions. Some people just cry and can still talk normally and speak nicely with the partner with reassuring that it's just a body reaction.
I now understand why I struggled so much with my relationships and why I have been accused of emotional manipulation.
I am autistic and as far as I know, I have struggled with expressing my needs in a socially accepted manner throughout my life. People either thought I was manipulating them when I was actually in great distress and being unable to properly communicate that. In parts due to loss of speech, in parts to due different word choice, in part due to getting really intense because the emotions were just too much to properly handle. It sounds really pathetic but there were moments when I felt like I couldnt handle all these emotions and off loaded them. And when the person said that my way of communication really wasnt fair, I swallowed my pride and said 'Okay. I am sorry, that this happened and it was not my intention. How can I treat you better? '
This is not an excuse, but a reason. I have gotten better at tolerating emotional distress and learned to use words to seek out connection instead of holding someone hostage. I do pride myself on that when someone did ask for space, a conversation or general boundary setting, that I was able to listen to them and adjust my behavior after a short outburst of emotions. It has never been my goal to harm someone for my own sake and I will honor requests for the sanity of others & ofc my own.
I do have a question for people who are used to dealing with autistic people who are prone to shut downs. What do you do when someone shut downs during a conversation about boundaries and says 'the socially accepted' answers like a script such as "Now that you mention that, I am sorry that this happened to you and I will work on that". How does one handle these sorts of people? Because I do not doubt their intentions of 'wanting to work on it' yet they arent able to effectively work on their issues due to a lack of skills. And because they arent able to work on their issues, someone else either continuely address the issue or tailor a solution to the situation so that the issue can be prevented. Because the end result is still emotional manipulation, just a different subflavor of it.
Please give an example of what you mean with your question.
I will think about it and maybe can come up with something helpful.
As someone who is also autistic, i think personally (in regards to your story) that you weren’t in the wrong. While we should have some coping mechanisms for emotional distress, we are also not in control on these things. The other person doesn’t need to take on our negativity. Truly emotionally manipulative people do it on purpose and do it to garner sympathy. Our autistic shutdowns and meltdowns don’t compare even half to this because we aren’t actively guilt tripping others into helping us without helping ourselves. The only way I can see this being a true issue is if somehow the other person didn’t know you where autistic and/or didn’t know what to do to help. (For me personally all I need is to be left alone for a while to calm down. That takes NO energy for the other person to do.)
This video is really insightful as I think back on some relationships. It helps me to both establish better boundaries while also being empathetic to people I’ve struggled to see goodness in. I really love the balance here.
Thanks, Dr. K.