You're absolutely right in saying its not good to discard someone because they have a mental illness". But when they are abusive, or your own mental health is suffering, that is absolutely 100% a valid reason.
If they don't get a hold of their emotions they will make you lose hold of yours. If you're the man that means prison. Forcing others to bear the responsibility of your emotions is sympathy terrorism.
@@Orpheus063 But I think you are overlooking the fact that it is possible for someone with bpd to be good for the person dating them as well. Trying to deal with and make it work with someone that has a mental disorder such as bpd (and just going out of our comfort zone in general) can make people more accepting and open-minded. People who don't "run for the hills" as he said are not just getting by, but they are also learning to adapt.
@@spicytee133 It robs you of emotional freedom, something they accept within themselves whole-heartedly. Taking away a woman's physical freedom is abuse, why don't we see it the same way when men have their emotional freedom curtailed? I am way more emotionally stable than her, by default of our genders. But she is so unstable she caused me to lose all stability, when two forces meet one will prevail. The BPD individual either relinquishes their BPD behaviours or they double down and destroy you with them. It makes the whole relationship about that and not the two individuals. It becomes a game of pacification, of appeasement. Pure slavery is all I can use to describe the egg shells you'll end up walking on to keep them from flying off. I'm sure there are example of women that aren't so die hard married to the concept of BPD that they can relinquish its hold over them. But that's not what I had, and honestly I'll never recover. Be careful what you do, destroy yourself all you want. But destroying someone you claim to love? Fucking shame. Pure unadulterated selfish bullshit. No one expects you sign on a dotted line the moment you meet, but when you start pursuing, going down that path. You make a promise to dedicate, people with BPD can't dedicate to shit, to you, to anything. You and everything is just a prop in the play that is their entertainment, you are a pawn in their game. You will dance or you will be thrown away like trash. It's the worst feeling you can give to someone you claim to love, throw it all away, throw them away, like you was thrown away. I am the vehicle for your trauma, the vessel to fill with your darkness. While refuse all of mine, refusing my love and personhood. Everything exists for you because you lack meaning. People have no idea what BPD is and probably never will, but whatever you all think it is is BS.
if you can’t put yourself first that means you have the right to leave. There’s actually always a right to leave, some people are just sick and cruel and like to seek revenge over something as simple as having the freedom to leave.
I think the sad part about rejecting someone with BPD is realizing that most people with BPD come from severe childhood trauma. Imagine being abused your whole life into becoming dysregulated adult and being shamed for it. Something you had no choice over. It's very damaging to the person with BPD. Being shunned for a conditioned they didn't ask for and was abused into This isn't to say that you should tolerate abusive behavior/not set boundaries. And definitely leave if the relationship is becoming toxic. Though, I find it sad that people with BPD have a lack of understanding. Where I feel people are more willing to tolerate enabling abusers than people who are broken because of abuse
Apples and oranges. Abusers may threaten to *harm you or someone else* for leaving, so yeah, many people are willing to tolerate or enable them. Broken people don’t usually wield that kind of power over others.
in my experience, i've noticed people are a lot less understanding to behaviors that involve something like anger i'm feeling sad due to mental health? people will generally try and give sympathy, they'll try to understand. but if I have an angry outburst due to mental health? people generally see me as a bad person and will avoid me more. it's a normal human reaction and i can't exactly blame them, especially when i mentally "dig into" why they do it. just something i try to keep note of, seems to help a little bit
@@_WeDontKnow_ This I agree, Or I found in my family, everyone was willing to tolerate my abusive mothers anger and outbursts. Actively enabling her and continuously being victim to her abuse. But my anger always made them uncomfortable I think as a society we are conditioned to deal with problematic people by enabling and letting it slide. But when a person displays anger to a situation, people react because you're doing the thing that they are incapable of
I think there’s a lot of men that have BPD and just don’t get diagnosed and women are likely being over diagnosed and misdiagnosed as well. I’m a male and have BPD, quiet BPD. I once had all the symptoms except self harm (unless you consider bingeing and purging).
This. This is so important for people to realize. I read somewhere that men with BPD have a higher risk for alcoholism than women. I think it might fly under the radar in some cases because addiction issues are more visible.
Same here. I have high functions bpd. It makes it really hard, because I try to hide it. Or I don’t share what it’s like with other people. A lot of times I suffer in silence
I had literally every single symptom for a *while* before being diagnosed. And I realized it for a *while* before too. And I only got diagnosed because I fucking realized how to put it into words because I saw the symptoms and thought it was likely, since I had been struggling with it for a long time until then. I live in a slightly less developed country (land of Žižek Dončič yadda yadda) where the maximum I'm going to get a therapist without having an obscene wage is once per two months, and other stuff its even worse, years long waiting periods. I had to get through this shit myself (mostly w/ pirated DBT workbooks), and it was worth it but... fuck me is it annoying. Not that I'm not still struggling but at least I'm not unintentionally abusive to those around me anymore. I just wish this shit was more talked about.
I was in a relationship with a woman with BPD for a year and a half, and it had a negative outcome in my health. But unlike many commenters who express regret, for me it was an unique occasion for growth. She let all my weaknesses emerge, and gave me the chance to recognize and work on them. I now understand myself much better and I'm better at dealing with other people and setting boundaries. We lived some amazing moments and some difficult ones, but I treasure and thank for all of them. Hope she finds her peace and goes on to live a happy life.
Man that beautiful to read I'm currently dating one of these women. And I feel what you said , I'm ageing incredibly fast yet learned things about myself I had no idea...cause I have to be so gentle and control my emotions
but is that right or are you coping? is the way you were treated ok to treat other people? what if you had BPD too? would she help? are some people with BPD more selfish than others, despite not having more trauma? and you say she gave you a chance but showing them to you and pushing you rushing you hurting you aging you, how long are you gonna last with your health now? how much more strength willy ou have for someone, is your life about thme only, there are other people, goals, things to do, is it all for the better?
The whole bit about a BPD partner idealizing you and then demonizing you when things change is SPOT ON. I had an off-and-on girlfriend with BPD over the last decade who ran an absolute train on my mental health, and one thing I realized was that whenever we were dating, I was supposedly the best partner she’d ever been with in every conceivable way, and she’d constantly compare me to her other exes who she had nothing positive to say about. A couple months after she cheated on and ghosted me, I came to the realization that she does that exact same game with EVERYONE. That was the day I stopped missing her. She was never going to get the help she needed, no matter how supportive I was. Lots of love to anybody making a BPD relationship work. Most people won’t ever fully understand what you go through and the sacrifices you make.
@@love_reka_8877 this is an I ignorant thing to say. Have empathy. People do not choose this or many things in life. We all deserve a chance at happiness.
I've been with two people diagnosed with BPD and I"ve had long, happy relationships with both- I'm married to the second! Something I've found to help them change their thought process on a day to day isn't to give comfort but instead to give them something to hold onto. I'll say something like "I Know we just spent 3 days together, but tomorrow I'll have to go back to work. I promise while I'm at work even if I can't text you constantly, I still love you and we're okay. My boss will boil me alive if I text on the job". 9/10 times those pre-emptive reassurances give their BPD something to obsess over that ISN'T negative..and in time those negative reactions dull to occasional spats and continue to smooth as time goes on. It is TOUGH, but if you love someone and you make the choice to be there for them, keeping things grounded in honesty and realism is important. De-programming that trauma response of being abandoned takes so much time and patience but watching them blossom into confident and content people is amazing.
Are you a woman? Sounds uncharacteristically empathetic for most of the men I see in these comment sections, I'd be really impressed if a guy understood just how much saying "know I still love you even if I can't text" can mean. To me it's so obvious, this is just how you treat someone you love, you want to assuage their insecurities, not wait for them to feel a perceived abandonment and lash out.
@@Linksballs I am a guy! 29 years old. I am flawed and I have a temper and I'm pretty grumpy, but I know someone's own mind can be their biggest enemy.
as someone with BPD all i can say is everything was so well said and well put in this video, and the disclaimer at the end about not wanting to offend anyone was just the cherry on top. having BPD is a miserable experience that ruins your life but hearing someone say people with BPD deserve love and compassion too means a lot. thanks for making this video
It’s so true you guys deserve nothing but love and care. I’ll never judge someone for their mental illness. But again you guys deserve nothing but love and care. ♥️
As a victim that was discarded. I rediscovered the people that always loves me. My family, parents and lone sibling. They got me out of jail when the bpd falsely accused me. And a place to stay when she followed up with a restraning order. The people I discarded due to alllowimg myself to be manipulated, let me back in to their lives without question. We are just happy that we are a family again. I have a question for bpd's . Maybe that love and understanding you desire, is waiting for you with someone or some people you discarded?
BPD does not have to be a miserable experience and ruin your life! Trust me, you can heal. BPD is the most treateable personality disorder. It might take some years, but you can get your life, joy and love back. There's many people who make it out on the other side. Never lose hope and keep working on it.
@@priestrat the problem with the girl that I dated, she refused to admit that she had BPD and would flip it around on me and call me a narcissist. She was married for 10 years and her ex tried to get her in therapy and she refused to go.
@priestrat Maybe. Anything is possible I guess. And just leave a trail of destruction, pain, and sorrow inflicted on others. While taking zero accountability, and still blaming the victims.. I've never heard a bpd acknowledge a victim of their past, ever. What does that mean? The incurable condition continues. Just utilising a non genuine cover of self awareness to just keep doing the same. Manipation that is not really manipulation when it icoms from a bpd. Yet it results in the same outcome. People being "tricked", lied to, and hurt. Then discarded and called narsisists.. Next?
Dated a girl with BPD and the splitting was just... The worst. I loved her but man, the things she said broke me. I understood what was going on but its just so painful to deal with when it actually rolls around.
Agreed man. For me it's the lack of empathy and effort to understand the effect their behavior has on you / the other. Like, I'd write a paragraph about how I was feeling and get a one word response. Tough times.
I feel you. It hurts even more when people with BPD seem to often be attracted to sensitive, caring people who have a hard time opening up in the first place. To let someone in and have your vulnerability and trauma weaponised into emotional abuse is the ultimate betrayal.
Exactly man, when they split it’s mindblowing how fare the shaming and rage can go, you will be blamed for everything and all of your past mistake or even presumed mistakes or insults will be thrown at you until you either submit, fight back, or walk away, and either one you will shamed or guilted for, there’s no resolutions for you ever, which leads to extreme resentment, and then next thing you know a few years later you’re all messed up.
As someone with BPD, the KNOWING that nobody or nothing (substances, sense desires etc) in this world can "save" me from having to experience emotional pain is important to know. Even if I feel abandoned or rejected because something triggered me I will try my best to meditate, journal or dance / sing it out instead. My nerves are literally on fire from the pain I feel sometimes, but I don't want to project it onto my loved ones so when I feel overwhelmed I make the conscious effort to tell them how I'm feeling and that it's not their fault at all but I need time to process my emotions or that I need time alone to calm down. But this is all from studying psychology on channels like 'DR K' and 'therapy in a nutshell' as well as other books about stoicism etc. It's important to not let others be the basis for your emotional health... Even though it's your first response to do so. I still FEEL like I need a saviour and sometimes I FEEL like causing petty arguements with others out of insecurity but I KNOW logically what the cause is and how I need to deal with my emotions. They aren't for others to manage. They are my own. I still have many flaws like isolating myself and feeling the need to idolise others but I honestly think it's something that I'll have to keep at until it becomes second nature to love myself instead of seeking for it externally.
Thats really awesome. I was never diagnosed with BPD but I had extreme abadonment issues and everything you said is what I did to help myself heal from it. Took a long time but well worth it. Good luck on your journey 💕
I've learned that letting my friends know when I'm in a low has really helped our relationships. They know to avoid more emotional topics around that time and if I do end up acting off, they're already aware of why and we can both calmly agree to just take a break after an apology from me until I can chill out. Them understanding my mental state and us planning around it is odd, for sure, and took getting used to, but it really changed my life for the better.
I have BPD and I out loud said “yuuuup!” When he said that. Also, the part about being stuck in a negative emotion for an entire day. We feel negative emotions faster, stronger and way way way longer. When I’m stuck in anger or depression, I feel like no one understands and they really don’t. They can’t related to the intensity and longevity of my pain. They shrug it off and it makes me feel like I’m over reacting and they are downplay or misunderstanding my pain. After a day or two or three, I finally get back to my rational brain and out of my emotional brain and can see they were being nice and trying to help. But at the time I feel like they were being dismissive or just didn’t get me. To improve my life, I need to remember this fact: negative emotions hit me faster, are more intense and last way way longer. I can’t expect everyone to get it, to understand the rage in me or the extreme suicidal depression. When I bounce back from it, I feel like I have my life back, my brain back. When I’m in it, I feel like I’m possessed by a demon or a psychopath. Then I come back to earth. It often takes days, depending on the severity of the trigger and the context of how well my life is going.
Dont want to take away from that, but isn't this always the case? Even for people who don't have BPD? Everyone who doesn't have an extremely strong self-esteem would feel bad, if everyone treats them bad.
My ex-gf has BPD, one time she had a surgery and she was connected to a monitor, we made a quick experiment in which I would just mention the phrase "let's break-up", we both knew it was an experiment but her heart rate fell almost inmediatly, we repeated it with different phrases and right after I said anything that she'd feel as rejection her heart rate would drop (to nothing alarming but it'd drop), it's true that they feel 10x faster and deeper than most people do and this will cause them to overreact and obsess over shit that most people would simply let go, ignore or not mind at all thus causing endless conflict that to the receiving end (ie, me) would feel rather exaggerated and nonsensical and with enough time, unbearable.
@@RadioYui That's so... just so fucking sad. Just reading it makes my heart drop for her. I'm both sad for her and that there are so many of us living with the most extreme emotions like that, that I'm the same. We're so fragile, we're so scared, we could break into pieces at any minute and are aware of that any second of the day, ready to try and brace it in perpetual preparation, but we still know it'll just shatter us either way. It does different things to your mind if it's unexpected even, not being ready for something negative can be such a shock that you shut down entirely, and dissociate for very, very long. Until your brain has developed even additional and new defense-mechanisms around it, and you have a new trauma. Btw, "netizen" is a word you could use instead of "citizen" for referring to people on the internet, if you'd like. Just a suggestion. Edit: And truly, thank you for being such an understanding, supportive, great partner. I bet she is grateful with her entire soul.
I think you both learned a lot from this, which must have been extremely helpful to your relationship in the long run. And I recognize that you both agreed to this as an experiment
As someone with bpd, I wish I can grow completely emotionally numb because I don't want to drag people I love into my extreme roller coasters. Experiencing all these are really tiring but I do REALLY know it's even more tiring to the people engaged with me due to my excessive needs. The "don't give up" part is so hard right now. I wish I can stop hurting people out of my intention.
@@zzdodolzz you’ll be alright! There are enough ppl (without bpd) who dó want to stay and who wont give up. You are more than just the disorder and you are worthy of love
Would love to also hear a lot more about how women are often diagnosed with BPD when we are actually autistic. Talking about the differences is really important for some of us. In fact, wish Dr. K would talk more about autism generally.
@@lindseybishop1213I’ve never seen that in him. He’s been pretty objective plus it’s his job as a therapist to be like that as well. I can see how since his audience is majorly male gamers maybe he’ll try to understand their perspective more.
@@lindseybishop1213 it’s statistics really. Parents treat and traumatize their kids very differently, girls need to be loving and boys don’t cry, that kind of thing. Fucks you up in different ways as an adult.
I was in relationship with someone who had BPD and she liked to start fights so she could vent excess emotional energy (her words) and when I was calm she interpreted that as apathy for the relationship. It created a vicious cycle of getting verbally abused for being composed and when I would express my frustrations then I was being “unregulated”. Every single thing became a weapon to emotionally escalate any situation. It sounds easy enough from Dr. K’s mouth, but in reality it was the most relentlessly toxic and exhausting environment
Man i was in the same exact situation before. It’s true it’s the hardest thing ever. And it’s good you are out of it now. Man if I were in a relationship again, even if someone is struggling mentally, as long as there is compromise between us everything would be alright and I would love them unconditionally.
i'm in a much healthier relationship now. we don't fight or bicker. we just enjoy each other's company, have fun, travel, and try to make each other better. it's super validating knowing it really wasn't my fault that the previous relationship didn't work out. just be patient and don't lose your willingness to be kind. you'll find what's right for you! @@corpsdice2910
Dr. K's advice is basically "Let monsters abuse you until they remember what it's like to be human". It's great advice for the monster but not so much for the functioning human.
@@Rainsoakedcoat yeah i can understand that interpretation. at the end of the day it will always come down to how much you love the other person and want to make the relationship work, so his advice seems to be geared toward ppl who really want to make things work long-term but don't have any idea how
I’m in this exact same situation now. If I’m calm she pushes and pushes and increases her personal attacks and then when I finally react she says “look at how emotionally unstable you are”. I see the patterns all the time and I’m trying to figure out how to break them but the truth is as much as I love this girl the relationship is slowly starting to break me.
I was married to someone for 20 years I've lived with them for a few years before that. After we got divorced I saw an article on BPD and recognized every symptom that my ex had, I felt a chill go down my spine. It would have been so helpful to have that information during our relationship. I know that she was suffering but she made me suffer a great deal as well because I didn't know what was going on half the time. I honestly feel that if she had received treatment for BPD we would never have been divorced.
I am myself married to a woman with BPD for 10 years so far. I understand what you mean but I wouldnt be so optimistic personally. Firstly, theres very little efficient treatment and in adult age, almost noone beats the disorder. Its all a matter of awareness and ability to self-reflect - few people have it, let alone with BPD. Secondly, I personaly am skeptical about the diagnosis, its often a left-over basket for people that dont match one particular category. It also sounds much more clinical than "character spoiled by toxic, incompetent mother", because thats the case 90 % of the time - even people who dont experience actual tantrums and are quite in control of their emotions if they want are often labeling themselves as "suffering" from BPD despite never going through actual diagnostics, simply because some paid therapist told them over coffee and it sounds much better than simply being a totally toxic partner unwilling to take responsibility for their demeanor.
Yeah it's sad that disorders weren't really common knowledge 20 years ago. I think a lot of suffering would have been prevented and people would have had a greater chance to understand what's happening with them or with their partners. Personally, I think BPD is not as treatable as the Dr makes it out although I appreciate his neutral hopeful approach to it. Like the Person above me commented, it takes a huge amount of self-awareness and restraint. You basically have to rewire your entire emotional reactice system. BPD is caused by childhood trauma. you gotta work through that trauma and it's exhausting and often depressing. Not everyone has the strength or the will or the help around them to heal their attachment wounds. Emotional hyper reactivity is something I think will never go down. It's a ptsd symptom - your nervous system is wired differently and you stay in panic mode a lot longer. I think BPD can be lessened greatly, especially if you meet really loving people and if you become aware of your problems, ideally before you're 20. There is more awareness now, thank god. It's easier to self diagnose and that can be incredibly helpful
@@mandarinadreux9572 I think it is all about self-awareness and ability to self-reflect - you can suffer from quite strong BPD-induced tantrums yet if you have discipline and the right approach, you can largely control the damage it does if you understand its largely foreign behavior induced by a disorder, you can warn your partner or walk away, shield your children and not expose them to the episodes too much, go for a walk and then come back and even laugh it off. But I only really saw one such person - the wast majority dont want to admit their overreactions are artificial and self-provoked and with time, are less and less aware of the reality around them, blame their partners for being cruel and cold, and so on.
The problem is once they are adults they usually don't want treatment or just try enough to hold on to you then relapse then try a little again etc etc. It's just a cycle of emotional and verbal abuse. And you think something has been resolved, but two years later it isn't, or the incident never happened at all, or blah blah blah. I love Dr K but I don't think he has been in an actual relationship with someone with BPD and he doesn't know what he is advocating people sign on for!
@@lovetolearn881 I think he should have a collaboration with Dr. Ramani about this. She focuses on narcissism, but she's aware of the other disorders. She has videos discussing the difference between narcissism and other disorders.
This rings so, so very true. Fear of abandonment, chameleon qualities, extreme mood swings, splitting...I finally chose my peace instead of being on top of the world 50% of the time. I love my ex, but I can't be with that person. It was wayyyy too much of a rollercoaster emotionally. I have anxiety and legitimate PTSD (my own shortcomings), and I had to finally decide to choose my peace. I truly enjoy your content and videos, Dr. K.
As someone with BPD I also tend to go for emotionally unavailable people who confirm my fears. I feel so deeply I end up wanting to love other broken people. But this contributes to the highs and lows as I cant connect with someone "chill". I tend to discard people who make me not feel extreme and give me lots of validation. Once the attentions on me I feel disgusted by affection. My brain fears true intimacy.
yah I know the feeling, this is where the "you have to love yourself first" cliches become like not cliches and a monumental life saving but ultra difficult task to pwBPD
@@mycoolvids well I dont have NPD. Maybe I can explain better. I attach to emotionally unavailable people who tend to use me. I chase is what im saying. Its not a discardal of available people in a sense of "i don't care about you." Its a "I don't feel safe with this affection. Intimacy feels inauthentic." I don't use people and don't think Im better than anyone person.
@@exovit6348 my bpd exgirlfriend actually broke up with me because I didn't fill her "toxic relationship needs" and was "too good for her" in her words, she then kept trying to get together again for 2 months non stop. A week ago she stopped tho, saying that I never trully loved her and hopes she hates me soon... :/
I cried during this because no one understands how hard it can be to live with BPD. The way you’re so freaking sensitive to everything. Sensitive to every gesture, look, word, even when you’re feeling well something in the back of your mind keeps you tied to that fear of being left behind. I have an incredible support system and that helps, but I can’t imagine all of those who don’t or don’t realize they have BPD. MY HEART goes out to you guys. You are not alone. Seek help if you feel like you have the symptoms. What helps me to feel better after an episode is talking about it. No matter how silly the reason for getting upset is, talk about it. Sometimes you’re loved one or partner needs to hear it in order to better understand you and help you. I hate that they have to walk on eggshells sometimes but that’s how it is. But the fact that they are willing to just shows how much they love you. PROPS to all of you who deal with us BPD sufferers. Thanks for not giving up on us. And thanks for the video. Great video to show the ones who don’t understand our behavior. Very well explained Doc!
hey ive recently met a girl that has told me now she has bpd. do you mind sharing some of your own experiences on what happened or have helped you so i can be mindful of that. I can give more detail but id prefer if we take it off yt comments for that if you agree. or anybody else for that matter if you have any experiences i would like to educate myself to be a better person
My gf has BPD and she does exactly what you suggest. She tells me her delusions. No matter how silly they may be. She is in DBT therapy and very self aware. She still has these delusions. But she knows that's what they are. Doesn't make her feel any better, but it at least gives her the confidence to confide in me those delusions. And it really does help to establish on both sides our understanding of BPD and her emotional disregulation. We have been together for two years and have had our ups and downs but by working together and having a mutual respect for each other's mindset we have fewer and smaller hills to climb when emotional disregulation is misunderstood. This is the best relationship I've ever been in and it is so worth the work~ 💗
I'm a 32 year old male with BPD and this video is spot-on! We test relationships and push away when they are good because we think the pain must be on its way! I'm finally breaking this pattern because of a patient, and wonderful woman in my life. It's hard to see which patterns are yours when you date other toxic and unstable people. But when you date someone who is truly honest, gentle and loving, something inside you goes, "Omg, these are MY problems and MY faulty views and patterns." It's a shame it took me so long to finally find something healthy. But it makes you work twice as hard to learn and resolve your issues when you can't blame the other person for your own bullshit. I have worked the hardest I've ever worked on myself because I don't want to lose a truly good thing. Owning my own shit is a good feeling, and it took me entering a truly healthy and stable relationship to see how much toxic shit I brought to the table. I really feel these wounds healing after such a long streak of nasty relationships. People with BPD really just need a stable relationship and a healthy sense of accountability to break these patterns. That being said, I can see why people would avoid dating us. We are a lot lol.
I would have loved to have been this person to my ex bf, but he didn't take responsibility at all. It was deeply hurtful. I commend you for doing the work, you are making your gfs life better because you saw your side of the stuff. Keep being an example, we need more people like you talking out there and educating others.
@@hspinnovators5516 I appreciate the kind words! It's definitely not easy but nobody gets better without taking accountability. I'm sorry you didn't get to have the same experience. Us BPDers are great lovers but we definitely have to get the dark side under control though lol.
Hello, my fiance was just diagnosed with BPD and its hard. So hard, and I'm trying so hard. And he's trying, so thank you for saying that there's hope. Because there are days/weeks I can't feel that hope. Blessings to you and your partner.
I have tried so hard to be stable. I love him SO much!! But how do you just stay and put up with the abuse when they refuse to get diagnosed and get treatment? I've begged, I've bossed, and he won't do anything even though he is pretty aware of how terrible he's been to me.
This went from sciencey and informative to absolutely hilarious I would be worried my boyfriend would think I must be manipulating him after watching this though! And having a BPD diagnosis has made me incredibly paranoid that I am manipulative/self-obsessed. I identify with a lot of the trails you mentioned but not much on the relationship side besides moderate splitting. I have been in constant relationships and put it down to just a fear of being on my own, not fear of abandonment as such. And I don't recall having any abdondoment related trauma. It's a difficult diagnosis to process because of how a lot of these symptoms are very negative.
Undiagnosed BPD is the biggest issue. If the partner has awareness there is hope. If they do not, you really do not want to be the one to try to awaken them to their issues. Also, these disorders are on a spectrum. There appears to be a HUGE difference between the extremes. Either way, you need to read up on Splitting and Object Consistency. These can be extremely damaging to a partner of someone with BPD and is why anyone in such a relationship needs to be very careful.
@@Lopro94 i don’t have sympathy for people who take out their pain and frustrations out on the world . Tbh I don’t care what you think. That guy above is projecting their internalized behaviors in his/ her comment .
@@defreshh9961 Hm, interesting. I read the comment differently - that the person said they preferred not to be prematurely judged/face prejudices on the internet based on their BPD diagnosis because the spectrum is diverse. To me, that seems like a sensible statement. Where did you see projection in what they wrote?
@@Lopro94 why is he assuming people on the internet or strangers actually make assumptions that he “stalks” people. It makes no sense . It’s almost as if he’s in denial and he is projecting in an interesting way.
I think ultimately the thing that broke us apart was that I wasn't able to be her rock anymore. I too struggle with depression, and as it got worse, the worse her BPD outbursts become. I wanted to go to couple's therapy, she didn't, and I couldn't handle the abuse anymore. As much as I love her, as much as I wanted to help her, I just can't.
i feel you brother, the same happened to me. I dated her for about 5 years. We moved into an apartment the last 2. But when the lease was up i couldn’t do it anymore. I was going to therapy off and on (when I had the money) and was trying over and over to get her to get some form of help. I even offered to pay it all and work even more overtime. In the end the abuse and the resentment towards getting help or trying to improve in any way is what drove me away. I hope she got the help she needs. I’m in a much better place now, so i’m thankful for that and my family who helped me thru my time of need.
Yea it’s all defence mechanisms right.. So if your depressed or somthing you are going to respond to their defence mechanism with your own defence mechanisms. Spiral to hell.
I have bpd and ptsd and I've been dating my girlfriend for 3 years now the biggest thing for me was finding someone who actually didn't just immediately give up on me because of my emotional tendencies she's been the best partner I've ever had
This - people with BPD can be completely normal, healthy people. The BPD makes it hard for people to engage. If you stick with it, the relationship can absolutely be worth it. Thanks for the commenters who mentioned the lack of nuance in my statements.
@@alokkanojia-js4lg not to be rude, but by definition someone having BPD does not make them completely “healthy”. Like anyone else, people with BPD are complex, and with those complexities comes nuance. I’ve had a friend with BPD for 10 plus years now, and watching them struggle in the way they have is gut wrenching. They are an absolute sweetheart when times are good, and quite supportive when ever anyone needs a shoulder, but they are also self destructive. They can be volatile and it makes it hard to engage at times. I don’t think framing things the way you have gives a clear picture of the dynamics.
I really appreciate you giving BPD the benefit of the doubt ❤ My husband is a great example of that - we went years together without me knowing I have BPD, but he always stayed, and it's been worthwhile. I am now able to get the right treatment and still manage a relationship with him. I am incredibly grateful.
Holy crap dude I’m sobbing listening to this at work you just perfectly explained the past 5 years of my life. I think the girl I’m with has BPD. I’m in love with her and the past year she has been getting so much better but I’ve been terrified that it’ll just get worse again. You’ve given me so much hope. Thank you
Get out while you can. Or this will be your thought process: Girlfriend stage: "I've gotta get out..." After marriage: "I should've got out..." After kids: "I could've got out!!!"
@@greenjelly01 Or, alternatively, just stay at the Girlfriend stage until girlfriend has been in a couple years of treatment for BPD and manages her symptoms successfully on a regular basis. Once the BPD is determined to be "managed," consider marriage. If girlfriend refuses to be evaluated or treated, don't bother hanging around.
I ended a 6-month relationship with a Girl I suspect now may have BPD. You can manage it. The key is to remain like a rock. Don't react strongly to her emotional highs or emotional lows. You are objectively not the best thing that's happened in her life, and you are objectively not the worst thing that has happened in her life. In my case, there was religiousness mixed in with the BPD. So it limited her willingness to pursue treatment, and increased the number of things that caused friction in the relationship. If you have good communication. You can get through this. Stay hard 💪🏿. Set healthy boundaries. If you guys live together, consider living in your own spaces. An extra buffer could do wonders for your mental health and her mental health. If she has more time to develop a sense of self outside of the relationship, then she won't feel as abandoned by the prospect of breaking up.
I was freshly diagnosed with BPD when i started to date my current spouse. I warned them right from the start and was transparent about my issues. Safe to say I GOT BETTER - in 3 years due to therapy and my partner being a mental health super hero. They put aside their ego and focused on understanding and communication. I love my partner.
One of the characters needs to be a white guy culturally appropriating indian gurus who says stuff he read on cheap calenders to validate himself. "You need to like, align your chacras man"
Thank you for this. I have BPD and am currently in a relationship with someone who I am not afraid is going to leave. I know he loves me just as much as I love him. I have never felt that way before, and I believe it is because he is a very emotionally stable person with a lot of patience who understands my diagnosis and loves me despite my imperfections.
I just got out a 2-year relationship with my ex with BPD. Although I resonate with people with who suffer from this awful disorder. The longer I stayed, the worst the abuse got and the more my mental health would deteriorate. I did everything I could to help her, but in the end, the splitting and hypersensitivity was beyond this world. I truly wish her well though.
idk why but i think (its in my case) that nobody really can help someone with bpd or try atleast. i hate it. like i try to learn by myself and i only take help i really want like therapists and stuff and sometimes i get not wanted help or from people that cant understand me (because i know em long enough) than i get annoyed and angry too. i mean moodswitches are a thing but beeing aware of them and to learn how to slow them down or even stop them is nice to know but thats thing i can do and not someone else. like i can stop some stuff and correct it and try to learn better. but other can only say it. its like on me to change stuff i guess thats what my brain says sometimes
@@teratsukielizabeth543 BPD is slightly different in that it's truly beneficial to have a stable relationship. Not saying that it's totally someone else's responsibility but it apparently improves outcomes
I have a friend who has BPD and she is the sweetest person. That being said shes doiing her best to (as some said in the comments) “fix” as much as possible. But its a life long burden and I wish the best for her. She doesnt date people because shes aware of the issues. Often she marks herself as unlovable. She wouldnt want to be here if she read some of these comments. We as friends try to tell her that shes is lovable and support her as much as we can but sometimes she gets very sad. She no longer has a family so we try to be just that. I know she feels very strong emotions and I try to be with her when that happens. It makes me sad when people put every person with this issue into the “evil” category. Life isnt that simple. Also just because someone has this issue doesnt mean they arent trying to change it or they arent aware of it.
I pretty much just cried the entire video. This is exactly what my ex was like, and it was really hard to hear all this and realize I could have done some things a lot better, despite that it also makes me feel better knowing that it wasn't just all in my head. Thanks, HealthyGamerGG, you've given me a lot to think about
You're not alone, man. This whole video really messed me up. It's the first time in 10 years that I've felt like somebody understood the hell I've been through, and it sent me down an emotional rabbit hole. Every single thing he said in this video, despite his disclaimer that he's being hyperbolic, is a perfect description of what I've gone through. Every single thing... I tried for years to get her into therapy (and I did myself) and when she finally did, her therapist had no way to see through the facade she put on. What I thought would be a good thing turned into another method for her to vindicate herself and her actions. Years into it, with a new therapist and us being separated for over a year, she finally showed an interest in working on these things. But it didn't last, and she started accusing me of of being a narcissist, having bpd, etc. We're not even together, and I still feel like I'm imprisoned on a never ending Rollercoaster. All I've ever wanted was to feel vindicated. To just feel like I'm not completely alone for the rest of my life with nobody understanding or caring about what things were really like. My therapist is amazing, but I don't think I've really gotten to that point with him. Hearing this video really affected me and showed me exactly what I need and why I'm still so affected by this trauma. I'm not saying any of this to make this about me. I just want to empathize with you and let you know how much I truly understand. You're not alone. I genuinely know how hard it is, and how deeply this video affected you. Don't feel alone, man. Despite how desperately you might feel you are alone, you're not. My heart goes out to you. Please just keep working on yourself and try to find healthy ways to move on and resolve these things. It's 100% possible. It just takes time, effort, and serious self-reflection.
@@NautilusGuitars I hope you can show your therapist this video alongside most of what you just told us in this comment, like verbatim in an email or read out loud. Your therapist if he's worth anything would be so grateful for this insight into how you feel and what you've been through.
@@VioletEmerald Thank you so much for your comment and your encouragement. It's very sweet of you to take the time to read my comment and offer your thoughts. I did consider doing just that, and reached out to him via email expressing that I might be sharing some thoughts, and that I'd prefer if he used some of our scheduled time to read them before we spoke. I'm just a bit hesitant because we do speak about this past relationship a lot, and I've been expressing a desire to work on other things more. He is aware of a lot of my feelings and experiences with this, but I'm not sure if I've been able to fully express how deep it goes. I think I have trouble expressing those things fully, and realized after this video that I'm likely repressing a lot. I'm going to take your thoughts into consideration here. I thought the same thing about sharing the video and my comment, but I was concerned that was too much. Seriously, I can't tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time to leave such a thoughtful comment. It really means a lot, and it's probably exactly what I needed to make the best decision here. So thank you so much!
Amazing. Nobody understands why I stay with my partener, I don't at times. He is all of those things, so am I a typical partener. So helpful... Thank you.
I was in a longer relationship with someone with BPD and can relate to a lot of this. For me the hardest part was seeing her struggle and engage in typical BPD behaviors while at the same time realizing what she is doing and being genuinely mortified and super sorry for the stress and hardship she transferred onto me. That made extremely hard to leave. I struggle with low self esteem and being there for her gave me purpose and made me feel needed even though it was harming me. It was this constant up and down between feeling like we were made for each other and me pulling back because it was too much. Sadly, I could not handle it, even after multiple longer breaks / breakups. I have cut all contact which I did not want, but felt I had to to not slip into a mental health crisis myself. I have learned so much from her and am deeply grateful for the time we shared. I do think both of us have grown because of our relationship. Whatever she is up to these days, I hope she is well.
Well, I have BPD since I was a little girl... I had anxiety and depression since I was a child and it was really hard... I had very abusive parents so they obviously blamed me for having depression and being the way I was, when they abused me so much that I delevoped BPD... But, I made a choice. When the pandemic began and I was trapped in my house with my abusive family, I hit rock bottom and told myself: "I'm no longer going to listen to anyone, I don't love myself and don't know who I am, this is going to be painful and hard, but I will do everything in my power to find the light". So I spent my pandemic days fighting an internal battle in a quest to find myself. I knew it would hurt, but I knew it was my only choice since I wanted to believe and fight with everything I had. I went to therapy, and I even had to move out of my house when I was 16 years old to live in a garage away from my family and keep myself safe. It's a very long story but... I want to tell you something that may help you feel better... I had an ex boyfriend, he was my first love. I didn't know that I had BPD and we were 13 years old back then, we were so young. I would always do what was mentioned in the video but didn't know exactly why. Years later, we decided to stop talking to each other and go on with our lives... But even though it was hard, he truly loved me. And I knew that even if I wasn't perfect (I genuinely hated myself for being that way but couldn't do anything about it cause I just didn't know how or what was happening in the first place so I hated myself more), he still loved me, listened to me and understood me. Years later, when I started to heal, I started to get a sense of self, set boundaries (even if people abandoned me for it) and love myself. I filled that void and fear of abandonment with self love and a promise of me never abandoning myself and that being enough. So, I healed and learned lots of things. And one day, I met a guy that I started to like, and we started dating. He was nice and everything seemed comfortable and nice. But from one day to another, he said "I think I don't love you, let's end this relationship" And I said "what do you mean? just yesterday you were saying that you loved me very strongly" He said "well that was a lie, I was just trying to see if it was true by trying to say it but it wasn't true, I don't love you and I never have" :v So, I said.... "okay", then cried alone and moved on with my life. Because now I knew that whatever he said, thought or did... Had nothing to do with who I was or with my value as a person, because I knew myself and loved myself. I did very well, but I was obviously hurt and sad because I'm human... Even if I learned how to handle my thoughts and emotions, I was brutally hurt again. I wondered if someone out there would ever love me for who I truly was. But I remembered my ex boyfriend (my first love) and remembered that even if he chose to stay away, he always told me that he still loved me and he was always patient and understanding. And that, was a gift. It was not necessary for me to heal, but it made me feel better to know that even if we decided to go separate ways, I would always remember his good intentions and what we experienced together, even if it didn't work out. What I want to tell you, is that sometimes when you love someone but they're not ready, you don't have to play their part for them. They can learn by themselves even if it's hard and you don't have to feel guilty about it because.... They are responsible for their own life like you are also responsible for your own life. We all have our own struggles but what is nice is that she will always feel and remember when someone cared. When she's sad, she will know that some time, somewhere, someone, did care. Even if you had to leave to protect your values and put yourself first. And that's enough. You did what you could. I'm sure that deep down in her heart, aside from all her fears, she knows that. She feels it.
I feel like men can get a bit similar feeling of being “stuck” in an unhealthy or toxic or stagnant relationship with codependent women, they can’t exist without you and you feel a lot of sympathy for them since you do care about this person.
@@Me-oq1ld Thank you so much for sharing this journey of yours. It really means a lot. I am currently in a relationship with a girl I deeply love who has BPD. I am a highly sensitive and caring guy, she means a lot to me and after every fight we have I always approach it from a point of love and understanding. I wanted to ask you if you think it's possible for her to learn how to love herself and set boundaries while "inside" the relationship? Sometimes I feel that if I leave her it would be better for us both because she has to learn to love herself. I can't make her love herself but I always encourage her to, and it's sometimes draining. She always says she has a void inside of her and says if I leave her she would die without me. I am an engineer and have had a long-distance relationship with this girl with BPD for almost a year. She kind of knows it because she studied psychology but doesn't believe in western medicine. I never bring it up because it's not my place to diagnose her and I am not a doctor. It's been so hard. The age gap (we are almost 5 years apart) and the distance (she's in America and I am in Europe) and her BPD makes things so hard and we've been holding on for so long. We both really love each other and want to make it work. She already booked her ticket to spend the summer with me and we both believe we can manage this relationship but at the same time, she doesn't have self-love for herself. She does everything in the video Dr. K mentioned and I used to think it was manipulative and sabotaging but after the damage is done, she calls herself a monster and apologizes a lot and she recognizes her actions. Sorry for the long paragraph, to summarize is "Do you think she can learn self-love with me by her side or would it be better to break up?" I believe "love" means selflessness the last thing I want to do is let her go but if it helps us both I am willing to.
Do you ever wish you didn't give up? Your whole story sounds exactly like what my current boyfriend experienced with his ex. I always worry that he'll think he should have stayed with her and tried harder or something. My relationship with him is very stable and healthy but he also has low self-esteem and because I'm stable I don't need him to rescue me all the time. He loves helping people, and gains purpose from that, but it's not a dynamic we have. He often says I'm too good for him. But I honestly wonder if he isn't just bored because we have none of the emotional highs that come with abusive relationships lol.
@@SkyeAten Thats interesting. Im seeing someone now whos ex was BPD, he loves drama (though he claims not to) and claims to love a "damsel in distress" - well I can look after myself and Im feeling the same, that in comparison he must be bored being with me, confirmed when he told me that he had doubts when I was quiet on a date once (lol). My ex was also BPD but Im a very laid back, patient, artistic sort of person whereas the new guys definitely some kind of NPD so, in my case he probably IS bored at times, in yours Id ask yourself if its not YOU whose bored tbh, you may be projecting. You might also wanna tell him if he says youre too good for him TOO often you might start to believe it :D
Damn this disorder to hell. I was with someone with BPD and undiagnosed autism for a little over a year. I just couldn’t do it anymore. Anytime I needed to get off the phone, and go to sleep, it was a problem. I stuck it out for as long as I could, but I lost my sense of self, and who I was. I do believe she loved me a lot, but my health was suffering so much as a result of this relationship. I wish her well, love and light. I just want her to be happy. Damn this disease.
As someone who used to have BPD, you're spot on. I got into a stable relationship with my boyfriend who encourages self improvement etc and I am in "remission" (no longer fit the diagnosis criteria).
@@alouise3557 I'm not the person that you asked but as someone who has succesfully healed from it's mental conditions including BPD the most important thing about all of this is awareness. Whenever you feel out of place for whatever reason just go for a walk or sit down with your emotions and ask yourself why you feel that way, what triggered it and so on untill you start developing a natural sense of awareness and discovering more about yourself untill there are no more blindspots or knots to untie, it is stressfull and could lead to nasty side effects like panic attacs when you are searching deep within yourself but without that info you'll never have a clear picture of what you are dealing with and most likely will never fully heal, so don't attack the symptom but rather figure out why you have that symptom in the first place and eventually "attack" the root cause. Also having something healthy to hyperfixate in was super helpfull, i kinda become addicted to physical training and fitness in general so i was having a blast while regulating my sleep schedule, diet and exposing both my nervous system and gut bacteria to adapt to healthy stimulus which only helped to accelerate my recovery. In the end it took me 4 years of hardships and letting go a lot of stuff and people, specially people, but i went from borderline mental hospitalization to just having a little low self esteem and i have to atribute that to the full understanding of myself in n out, physically, meantlaly and spiritually
@@Zendviouswhat a story! You rock. To the question above - I would say if you don't have any stability at all, you should get professional help. My wife asked her doctor to get hospitalized because things got that bad. She says it was the best decision possible. It didn't solve her problems. But it was a start. After getting out of hospital, she was under doctors supervision, in therapy. That was a basic safety net of stability. She met me. Thanks to couple therapy and her psychiatrist, we managed to keep and grow our relationship. Meaning more stability. She was making some progress. She was able to build bridges with her family. More stability. She was able to return to hobbies. More stability. She returned to work. More stability. We got married. More stability. My family finally accepted her and now actually really loves her and she loves them. More stability. And now she is highly functioning, without any issues. She just asked for help her doctor and then commited to do the insanely hard work. But it is more then possible.
I have Quiet BPD, and I absolutely love this video! The accuracy of this is hilarious 😂 It helps me not take my illness as a doom sentence. I have my bad days, and I'm so grateful for how far I have come 🙏🏻 Thank you for recognizing it for what it is and acknowledging we are human beings who deserve love and treatment.
oh wow, this sounds exactly like all my relationships. I have BPD and everything this man talks about has been manifested in my relationship. the extreme emotions, the subconscious shit tests, the abandonment issues, the neurotic obsessive need to be told what you want to hear despite emotionally abusing the other person first, etc. Its good to know that there are changes I can make to regulate my emotions. It's nice to know that this isn't just my problem ,but a disease I have.
This video made me cry. Hearing someone say don’t run because of the BPD is so foreign to me. Thank you for bringing clarification to the most important aspects of dating someone with BPD. And explaining our side, the people with BPD, to others who don’t have it. When I explain how much I suffer, it’s always viewed as a competition for who’s got it worse in life, when in reality that’s not it at all. I’m just trying to get them to understand my pain.
I'm sorry to hear that. Do you feel like you are better equipped to manage a relationship now that you have seen this video? I feel empowered to better manage relationships now. I think I may have dated a woman with BPD before, and I wish I knew this stuff before jumping into that rollercoaster of a relationship. I have self-esteem issues as Dr. K mentioned in his example of people that love to be idolized. I would have remained more stoic, but caring in the relationship if I had known what I was dealing with. I also would probably have not moved in with her to allow her more space to develop emotionally. For her to develop a stronger sense of self while knowing that someone from a distance was watching and ready to help. Hindsight is 20/20, though. I know how to be more empathetic towards BPD sufferers without playing with their emotions now. I hope this video empowers BPD sufferers just as much as it does their friends and significant others.
I just got diagnosed with BPD (something I've suspected for a long time) and came here to kinda of learn more but also to process it all. All of this is pretty spot on. I was bothered by the repeated suggestion of "emotional manipulation" but I appreciate that you did clarify at one point that that perceived "emotional manipulation" is not intentional on our part at all. I hate the negative impact I can have on others and I am actively working on myself.
I told my girlfriend about my suspicions on having BPD a couple months ago. I was overthinking a lot today so I used the techniques she gave me to help and they are helping. Slowly as I watched through this video, I started to realize she always does all of these things. I never even knew, but this whole time she has been doing her best to help me stay stable. I love her.
11:11 I think it's important to note that you don't have to put up with the toxicity. You don't have to tolerate manipulation - because it's wrong behaviour. You can have compassion and love for someone and still stand up for not being subject to terrible things.
A video on quiet BPD would be really helpful. That's what my girlfriend and I have, and it presents itself very differently on the surface. It's almost like BPD that's suppressed by anxiety (coming back to the fear of abandonment). But this BPD is sooo much more confusing, because outwardly, we look completely stable, but on the inside the storm of emotions is overwhelming. This causes us to bottle up these already intense feelings, and when the cork comes loose is like new years champagne. There's more to it, but it feels notably different than what was described in this video.
Certainly seems interesting. I'd imagine bpd that isn't quite is much more expressive, making it potentially harder to deal with but also quicker to fix, while quiet bpd is almost harder on the person suffering, because it's more of an internal disintegration, and may be easier in terms of willingness to get into treatment, but take longer to fix. This is not backed up by research at all, so tell me if there's accuracy here or not. Also, I wish you tell well, and hope things work out for you
@@calimorales9880 I would say that's a pretty good assessment. We have both been concious of our BPD symptoms, even when unaware of this diagnosis. This added a lot of insecurity growing up, that our symptoms would cause us to be abandoned. There's this constant exhausting, panic attack like internal struggle to desperately fight back against the BPD. However, it's out of our control, so we put on a very convincing masks and sink into ourselves to avoid any BPD leaking out and potentially ruining our relationships/opportunities. As a side note, we were both raised by narcissists.
I agree, I'd be super interested in a video on quiet BPD! That's what I have, too. The masking can get so intense that my therapist of 2 years told me she completely forgot multiple times how symptomatic I can be and how bad my lived experience was...even though I'd describe it with words every session. I was also raised by a narcissist!
i have/had quiet BPD. In my experience you have to bring that turbulence OUT before it can be fixed at all. quiet BPD is more functional but actually allot further from recovery in my opinion. you have to reconnect to emotions first and that process is very very very difficult. i for example literally was incapable of anger for YEARS, now I get bursts of rage that I can handle or blow off in some other way. but this could look like regression but it wasn't I was completely NUMB for years and years and years and feeling anything was a step forward. but not at all easy.
Your explanation of BPD relationships is so accurate that its frightening. There are many struggles to a BPD relationship and for me it was a confusing time but i just rode the wave of emotions until i just couldnt anymore. It took a while for me to truly process everything from an objective stand point after cutting all ties and i still feel theres a lot left to process as I dont fully know myself, after more than 6 months i still have "what if" moments and miss how loved she made me feel but yet i push through. As someone who stuggles with low self confidence sometimes, her validation took me to the moon on a daily basis and i loved every second of it. Even though she warned me about all the struggles of dating someone with BPD, I truly felt as if it was nothing we couldnt handle together. And even though our story didnt end that way, I dont want to be bitter about it. I would like to believe that she really did love and care for me as i do for her. And although mistakes were made and things didnt work out, Im truly thankful for the positive experiences we shared and really do hope that shes doing well and healing.
I can assure you that everything that she told you (the positives) were true and she thought like that. The negatives were not entirely true. There were products of her paranoid thoughts and emotions. But maybe you hit certain buttons there to trigger them. I guess it all depends on compatibility to a big degree.
As someone who suffers from BPD, I'd say you've hit the nail on the head. First time I ever heard the diagnosis, I was 20 years old, in the process of being pretty much medically discharged due to my mental illness. Didn't really do any kind of research until my early 30s. In that decade, allot of new information has come. My overall opinionated conclusion of the original diagnosis hasn't changed. Knowing what I do know from doctors like yourself sharing this information, I have a much easier time identifying when the triggers get activated, but still struggle to cope with a few. When calm, I'm able to tell myself that my feelings of abandonment exist, and therefore address and put them at ease. My one struggle that still seems impossible at times are the anger flashes. Pot has shown to be very successful over years of self research.
My boyfriend and I use a statement to help me when we are in a rut that i absolutely love to use for myself with him when he triggers me which is "i dont have to like you but I will always love you." And its just a nice reminder that both can exist at the same time. So when i get mad and he tells me he still loves me i tell him "i Don t like you right now. But I still love you"
I have BPD, & i appreciate the fact that you clearly put a lot of compassion & consideration into shedding a better light on the disorder. I especially appreciated the thoughtfulness at the end. BPD is not easy to live with, & the worst part of having BPD is the fear that i won't ever find a partner who is stable & patient enough to be willing to stick it out with me & who won't just view me as a lost cause at the 1st sign of struggle 😣
First sign? Thats in your brain. Normally partners of bpd are willing to stay incredible long in the relationship (bc the idealizations) as mentioned in the video.
@TheMurphy Just don't fall in love. Getting angry is actually a good thing as it shows you if your boundaries are getting crossed. If you fall in love you are fucked as it undermines you're ability to not give in in the emotional pressure. BPD is more dangerous the more it fulfills aspects that are chronicly low in modern life: "real campanionship (in the idealization), high emotionality", these are kinda the commodities that seem to make it worth it, but also the trap that lets you give in (internally) in the abuse. If the bpd person shifts the focus to another person and starts to idealize again while completely forgetting everything from the previous relationship you see the behaviour is in a way nothing but just psychological reaction by them and in a sense not real. As said by dr k. its good to destigmatize BPD and explore the conditions of it getting better BUT it can be actually dangerous for the partner and I feel like that Dr. K didn't really emphasized that enough.
I have BPD and was fortunate to marry the girl I met at age 15. I didn’t realize until much later in life that our fights were really just my episodes. Now that I’m older I see that I still have a lot of these patterns in friendships outside of our marriage so I’m back to work on that🔥
What. Our fights are just my episodes. I've heard those exact words from my wife for over a decade. I just got it. I thought she was a narcissist for shifting all the blame on me 😭. I just got it. She was right. I'm a dumbass. I messed everything up. But the thing is, I kept trying to change without knowing what to work on, until now, and I've already done the final discard. I love her too much to ever let her back into my life again. I just wish I'd known this 10-20 years ago.
I have BPD, (treated) and this was compassionate, truthful and accurate af. Thankyou for not making us all sound like insane s** addicts that camp in bushes or some rubbish. Thankyou for remembering we are human beings.
I'm happy I'm in a stable relationship with someone with BPD. We both value balance and self sufficiency. We're not together to fix each other, we fix ourselves and we can help/support each other. I'm lucky he's not only a wonderful person, but he treats me well. Your advice is reassuring because I do all this things for my own sake already for my own cptsd and I'm glad it happens to help him.
Glad to see this. I have a feeling I might have had an undiagnosed bpd partner before and it was hell. Recently I think I'm heading into the start of my first relationship since then with a girl who told me she has a bpd diagnosis. I found this a little terrifying. But she is actually one of the most emotionally mature people I've been with and is very independent so far. She's very kind and doesn't make all her problems mine. I'm worried it will get more complicated but I'm surprised to see how well she handles this and Im feeling positive.
@@VIDS2013 Maybe you missed my point and Dr. K's point. You can be in a good relationship with someone with borderline. I'm not saying everything will always be perfect, that's unrealistic for anyone. By your standard, I'll never have a "stable" relationship either due to my disability. But I'm in a healthy one. I'm not speaking for anyone else's partners with bpd or invalidating anyone's experience. Will our conditions affect each other? Absolutely, but that applies to all couples neurotypical or not, illnesses or not. What matters is accountability and how you handle your own problems and how you handle things together. My life is already on a harder difficulty, if anything he makes it easier. And if I make things better for him by doing things I normally do, even better.
@@TheJulietxo I'd say you entirely missed my point. Relationships are difficult enough in the absence of malignant mental illness. With BPD, the relationship is doomed before it starts. (Though the scenario is probably worse if the woman has BPD.)
Months ago when this video was uploaded I just watched it like any other video from Dr K. Unaware of the impact that was going to follow. Halfway through the video when Dr K. Starts talking about the relationship dynamic I recognised everything. I send the video to my boyfriend with the timestamp around the middle. He saw the title of the link and said: "You don't have borderline" and I said "just go watch it" A deafening silence fell between us while he contemplated about breaking up because he thought that this would never go over (because he had not seen the beginning of the video). From the moment that I saw this video I finally had grip on what apparently has been bpd. The times that I stepped into relationships and my feelings becoming a whirlwind finally had an explanation and I could start working on it. I did everything within my power to stop putting the emotional rollercoaster on my boyfriend (which was mostly long walks) I stopped crying for attention when I felt anxious and reminded myself that I was still loved. Still he and I broke up, simply because we were not a good fit and he had his own struggles. But damn am I thankful for the insight that this video has given me.
A stabilizing relationship with my securely attached husband, DBT, building strong therapeutic relationships, and trauma work helped me so much. I'm really grateful for the people who support and help me work through the challenges. It's still hard and I have plenty of other challenges, but I don't hate myself or feel hopeless anymore which I never thought was possible. My life is so different now.
Glad you had help and people who stood by you. People shouldn’t abandon people who need help. We all need help at some point. And you’re proof that a stable relationship is exactly part of the solution. I feel like people who are most critical and unforgiving of BPD, and I mean being incapable of having any compassion, are the ones with mental problems of their own. A stable person knows their boundaries and knows compassion, like your husband probably did.
After listening to this and the other video I'm pretty sure I have it, which is pretty shocking to me but explains A LOT. He said 75% of BPD sufferers are women but I think we're just not looking for it in men because men are forced to hide the emotions that illustrate the behaviors associated with diagnosis. So unless you're dating a psychologist, it's unlikely you'll ever know you have the symptoms.
I just urge anyone who’s suffered with a BPD partner understand they don’t want to hurt you. It is one of the toughest mental illnesses and it’s not easily fixed. The people with BPD are truely suffering and haunted by it
But where do you get the mental energy from to generate all this patience when you have your own problems and struggles? Really feels like an unbalanced relationship where one person has to be the 'rock' for the other.
I understand and having had dealt with it, this is not an excuse. Yes you can love a person dearly and then torture them, ok is then this torture justified? Get your shit together first and maybe ask for compassion and understanding later.
@@Oi-mj6dv sure, except you can't get your shit together without compassion and understanding. Its like being in a 10 foot hole and someone takes away the ladder because you're in the hole and you'll get the ladder once you exit the hole. Whats the use of retrospective compassion? Telling a story about how you used to be emotionally disregulated but then got treatment? Most people don't even get treatment until they experience compassion and are urged to get treatment out of said compassion, because nobody WANTS to feel all their emotions magnified 24/7
THE PART ABOUT THEM REGULATING YOUR EMOTIONS ???? im so shook at how much i relate to this, it honestly brings me a sense of relief knowing that im not alone. im not diagnosed but im 99% sure this is what is going on in my head.
I’ve lived this life with a BPD gf… it was magnetic but completely unstable. I ended up an emotional punchbag and every feeling or thought she had, she’d believe. It was insane. Eventually I got dumped in the most horrible way after her father died, she completely turned on me and even said I didn’t care, despite trying to be there for her, she just pushed me away n jumped on a fresh bloke straight away. I was treated either like God or the Devil there was no inbetween
Separation individuation. Her fathers death would of 100% triggered this area. A new bloke offers that fresh start, and new fantasy with a fresh supply. Ultimately a new life, short term new identity, and feeling that she completely separated from her past. She will likely come back with a sob story at some point once this supply has grown stale.
@@heythere6983no it doesn't. well it did but that's an old definition that isn't used anymore. and it's psychotic and neurotic, not psychopathic some people with bpd don't have psychotic symptoms, and are very much able to see reality as it is
My last relationship was with someone who my theripist identified as potentially having BPD. I dealt with a lot of the stuff mentioned in the video. Especially all of the praise. She would constantly tell me that I was perfect, and to be honest, it bothered me. I would reply and say that I am not perfect and she would push it even more. And I was perfect until one day I wasn't perfect. Then I was the worst.
As a 38 yr old woman suffering with BPD I’d like to take this time to apologize to all of you guys for being put thru such an extreme roller coaster ride of emotions, we now understand what you went thru. On behalf of all of us who suffer with this extremely draining disorder, although the video mentioned ,I’d still just like to remind you that from the depths of our soul we do not at all mean any of the nasty hurtful things we have said or have done but rather they are just our own twisted way of attempting to protect ourselves from our very fear, not realizing that in most cases it was the very thing that has caused exactly that very fear to happen. It breaks my heart to realize just how disturbingly real our fear of abandonment actually is and all the highly desperate/sad/inappropriate behaviors that come with this unfortunate condition. For the ones who were not able to take much more and ended up leaving someone with BPD in order to protect their own sanity, really learning about this disorder I’m sure it’s safe to now say “we“ do not blame you. And to those who were able to endure despite the risks and still see us with compassionate understanding knowing we are still only human deserving also of love, Thank you we appreciate you. From the bottom of our hearts we’re truly Sorry for all the hurtful things we’ve ever said or have done ❤️🙏😔🥹 thanks for all the support.
My experience of dating someone with BPD involved the threat of suicide as a very core piece of the equation. You touched on it, but I do wonder if that’s worth emphasizing, or if that was fairly unique to my experience. One of the hardest parts about leaving my ex was being terrified she’d kill herself the second I walked out the door. She’d stated she would, but she said a lot of things. Being terrified of her dying kept me with her for over a year after I knew it needed to end.
Correct. His description of Bpd behavior is very very toned down. They’ll say the most horrific stuff to you. Not convinced they get better at the rate claimed.
@@Fleury4 yeah, that was my opinion as well. It didn’t come across just how horribly traumatizing the lows can be. It’s been years since I dated her, and I still done feel ready to date again. Dating somebody with BPD can seriously mess you up.
Yeah nobody should feel obligated to hold that type of emotion space for someone who needs professional help. Been there and it helped me realize I don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with any of it. After all I deserve an amazing supportive and stable partner.
@@Fleury4 psychiatrists often do not and have not suffered from the conditions they treat nor have they taken the medications they prescribed. I doubt he’s ever dated someone with BPD.
I feel you. About 7 years ago, I dated a girl with BPD for just a few months and it really messed me up. Threatening me with suicide was really a weekly basic ritual, as well as listening about how she cut herself. I was also constantly competing with other mans she was talking with A LOT. I think these few months of relationship and years of blunting emotions have led me to depression which I am now treating. This really sucks.
This is such a realistic, compassionate and measured video. Thank you. I was suspected to have BPD for quite some time - turns out it's "just" autism and going undiagnosed until my 30s took a toll on mental health. I am very sensitive to rejection, but establishing a few core rules has really helped in my relationships with my nearest and dearest. One is: Asking instead of assuming. When I'm already anxious, everything feels like rejection, but by now I know that well enough to just... ask. "Everything feels off today and I can't tell if it's in my head or if you're acting differently towards me, can you help?" Erm, side note, do not try this when you're a pwBPD in an unhealthy relationship. But with friends/partners who can be trusted, it has worked really well. I had to work on my wording quite a bit since there are many ways to ask "Why are you acting differently", but a big step was assuming responsibility and acknowledging that my perception of things isn't necessarily based on fact. I would also like to add something regarding being a chamaeleon with hobbies and interests. That is not a deliberate manipulation tactic. If the person I'm focussing on is into something, I am into that thing and I can't tell if it's because of them or because it's genuinely one of my interests now. The interest isn't fake, I'm not secretly thinking "Oh my god I wish they would shut up about this", it's genuinely the best thing since sliced bread. So many behaviours get labelled as manipulative and fake, which can be so frustrating when they feel very much real and genuine.
That last line hit hard. A couple days ago I broke up with my then-bf after he called me a f*cking r3tard, a bad mom, and said I need to grow up. (My crime? Being less-than-patient with my 9 year old regarding an on-going issue that started a couple months before he entered our lives.) I cried a lot after he left and wondered if I am a bad mom, if my daughter would be better off without me, wondered if I actually bring joy or anything good to anyone's life or if they would be better off without me, would anyone even miss me, considered making a couple calls to ensure my daughter would have someone to raise her and then to arrange to Game Over myself. When he texted the following day, I made the mistake of being honest about what I'd considered after he left. He accused me of being emotionally and mentally manipulative and of having a victim mentality. I saw, as I'd seen so many times before, that he was already dead-set on his opinion, so I said "Whatever you want to think." Then blocked him. Why is it there's all this stuff about awareness/prevention and encouraging people to "just reach out" and so forth, but when we open up like "I considered This after what you said before you left yesterday." It's manipulative and playing the victim? No, what he said really hurt and sent me spiraling.
Thank you so much for tackling the stigma against BPD, as a man who was diagnosed recently I never expected this level of hatred and misinformation until I started doing research. There are so many people who had one bad experience with a partner who will go online and "warn" others to stay away from people with BPD, its pretty gross and I'm glad someone with a platform is speaking up and trying to put people in our shoes. Treatment does work and the less stigma there is the more people are going to seek help.
Was with someone with BPD who wouldn't get help and it was the worst 3 years of my life - full of verbal, emotional, physical abuse as well as cheating. Not everyone with BPD is like this but it's really hard for me not to project my past relationship trauma onto anyone else with a PD and steer as clear as possible.
Same here. He blamed me for everything and didn't feel remorse for the things he had done to me. I already had a low self-esteem when we got together, but after those 3 years he completely broke me. It's been 2 and a half years since our break up and I'm finally getting better with the help of therapy. But it will take a long time until I'm ready again to go into another relationship.
I've never been diagnosed but I strongly relate to the struggles that people with BPD describe. Learning to stay neutral and not feed into the extreme highs and lows has been one of the most important things I've ever learned.
I dated a girl with BPD on and off for three years. I had some of the best times of my life with her, but the negatives severely outweighed the positives. She was manipulative, constantly gaslighting, verbally abusive, and cheated on me constantly with various men. It was the worst relationship I’ve ever had. No matter what boundaries I set, her unwillingness to compromise and change her toxic behavior was some of the most emotionally damaging things that’s ever happened to me. For anyone reading this, if you have the patience to experience toxic behavior and extreme mood swings then I would still suggest knowing your worth and setting your boundaries early so that your partner with BPD understands your feelings are valid too. But if there’s no willingness or commitment from your partner to do so then it’s not worth your time and well-being. Move on to doing high value things for yourself or find a partner who also sees and understands your value.
That sounds like my 6-month relationship. I mean you can set as many healthy boundaries as you'd like, but they choose to follow them or not at the end of the day. I found out during the breakup that she was never willing or committed to us in the first place.
The thing they don’t talk about, when there’s so many negative interactions and toxicity, dysfunction it makes those super rare good highs extremely more sweet, and then when they treat you terribly thinking you’re gonna abandon them some point in the future and they can’t trust you, so because they begin treating you badly and you begin to withdraw they completely abandon you first in fear you’ll do it to them when you just don’t want to be abused or taken advantages of. Then they come back acting like NOTHING happened at all.
Also, the reason women are and have always been allowed to emotionally abuse their men while it’s evil & taboo for men to physically abuse their women is due to it being seen as societally impossible. Men aren’t able to be abused since that would mean weakness or being human beings, it would be acknowledging mens emotions matter on a societal level which breaks the status quo.
I just have to say that not everyone with BPD is like this. I have BPD and I went to go get therapy because I didn't want to lose the relationship that I had. When I got a diagnosis of BPD, medication, and therapy, everything started to make sense as to why I was acting the way that I was and I became VERY self aware to the point that I could communicate to my husband if I was about to have a mood swing. Not everyone with BPD is like this and they're not automatically toxic. However, if you're about to date with someone with BPD and they aren't getting help or refuse to get help then run far away from them. Just because someone has BPD does not automatically make them a monster, but undiagnosed and untreated BPD is monstrous.
The sense of humor is the most helpful aspect of suddenly realizing why i behave the way i do, it takes away the stigma in my own head bc learning this about myself feels like the end of the world
I have BPD and this video was a really perfect description, the hyperbolic examples you gave were accurate. I was really confused and ashamed in my first few relationships, but knowing about BPD and understanding it is half of the battle. I'm staying single and I've been improving a lot since noticing when I split and learning emotional regulation techniques instead of needing to rely on a partner.
Excellent video! I recently had a relationship with a woman with BPD, and you nailed most aspects of it. I have one suggestion - when talking about them getting better in a year, please add "with proper treatment". A lot of people with BPD will watch videos about it but not actually get treatment, and without treatment and learning about insight etc, they will likely not progress. Thank you.
I have to tell this story after hearing you say that people, such as myself, with BPD do actually get better- I was in a behavioral medicine unit a few years back and I overheard a nurse venting to a coworker after a rough shift. He said something to the effect of he absolutely hates working with BPD patients because at least his other patients get better and don't keep coming back. The conversation actually went on much further and he started to say in graphic detail how he wished we would just kill ourselves and stop coming back. Needless to say it was awful. I reported him that day and then promptly went into a downward depressive spiral. But point being that even among people working with people who have BPD there is still an amount of stigma and fear surrounding us. While I am far from finding my light at the end of the tunnel, I know I will get well- or let's say better ❤
You will, Jen. You do need the right person though. I'm actually quite impressed how people with BPD find the strength for new relationship considering how typically bad their previous ones were. From my experience, you are a perfect match for thousands of people. Because what you clearly consider a drawback may be the most desired feature they need. Say, being hyperemotinal is a blessing when you did not experience emotions with you ex for years. Same is true for other things.
I think you shouldn't take this seriously but more like an outburst from an overworked tired insensitive nurse. She would never say that to your face because her job is still to care about them.
I have insecure attachment and have dated several women with BPD. It's been really traumatic, even though I think I've learned a lot about myself in the process. I'm trying to be better about leaving people when they aren't healthy and not getting sucked into the cycle he described in the video. So spot on BTW! They make me feel so sexy and amazing and it fuels my ego just enough to keep me around despite all their terrible behavior. With some better self understanding, self love, and self confidence, we can overcome the need for toxic relationships and find healthy people to be with. I wish them the best, but I wouldn't wish a BPD relationship on anyone. And if they really need a relationship to stabilize, that is just too much of a burden to ask another person to bear. I hope people with BPD get the help they need without dragging someone through a few traumatic years. Good luck everyone!
I dated a girl with BPD for 4 years and the kindest advice I could give myself when I was considering dating her is to avoid the whole thing. I have extensive childhood trauma and being with her was still one of the worst things that has happened to me. I am happy to know that people can have success in relationships with BPD, but I would ask anyone who has their own mental health issues to get to very stable place before commiting to a relationship like this.
Yeah, I was married to someone with BPD for close to 5 years. Most traumatic experience of my life. I feel bad, but damn I just can't go through that again. There's someone I know who I had always had a bit of a casual crush on, After I got divorced we hooked up a few times, generally both enjoyed each others company, but then she told me she had BPD and I knew I couldn't try a relationship with her. Also sucks because for some reason I'm a BPD magnet, I always meet people, hit it off, then find out they have BPD and have to make sure I'm not sending any signals that I want to be in a relationship with them.
As someone with BPD, I'm sorry you met one of the worst cases. All my relationships ended because I dated narcissists (or just generally insecure people) who cheated on me or didn't value my time, and I left. The best of us try our damndest to keep that trauma regulated and communicate well so we can avoid blow ups. I was constantly apologizing and being told they didn't even know why I was saying sorry (one of my exes would even get mad at me for apologizing so much, like actually start a fight angry). We're not all assholes, I swear 😂 But you do have to talk talk talk it out until things settle, and if you or they can't do that, you're doomed.
I know it's not meant for diagnosing someone, but the first 8 minutes sounds exactly like my life. I can wake up, read some bad news or something that worries me from a friend and I feel physically ill the whole day. I hate it, because I think "goddammit, my day is already ruined!". Recently a friend who I dated got back with her ex (who's long distance) and I thought "I clearly wasn't good enough", "I'm ugly", "I'm a bad partner and I made her realize that her ex was better" and "she's going to forget about me and move in with her girlfriend". I had such a massive panic attack that the only thing that helped was hide under my bed with a blanket. I have never felt so bad before and I had a headache for 2 days because I was so physically exchausted.
I would love to see a video about BPD parents. I suspect my mother has BPD, and it was nothing but traumatizing. I have all the symptoms of C-PTSD. Everything was made to be so intense and she escalated soooo quickly, it's so effing damaging to children. She was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive. Zero self awareness, doesn't take any responsibility over her actions, doesn't want to go to therapy. All I can do is limit contact because I can't deal with this anymore.
I wonder if the statistics on BPD remission are flawed or just wrong then. Because I’m sure there are many stories like yours, and to think this is so prevalent, to have persistent BPD for even decades, it’s hard to say that’s just part of the 1% who are not in remission after 15 years past diagnosis.
@@Liberate269 All of these people do not usually get diagnosed by officials and included in the statistics. I think the statistics are about people diagnosed with BPD and working on treatment actively. Everyone else... not really such a hopeful story. My mom would never have been diagnosed, except she had a mandated psychiatric evaluation during a custody battle which semi-diagnosed her officially with a myriad of things (alcohol abuse, what they called dysthymia at the time but is now called persistent depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, a global functioning level of 50, and "A personality disorder not otherwise specified" (look that up on wikipedia, it's a real thing), with Borderline, Dependent, Histrionic, and Obsessive-Compulsive traits (4 types of personality disorders). Prior to that in the same custody battle (when I was 17 years old in 2007), a social worker had recommended my dad and my grandmother read a book on Borderline Personality Disorder and already thought that seemed closest to our family dynamic. Importantly, that psychiatric evaluation (or social worker's assessment) wasn't included in a study on BPD and remission rates, and no one ever followed up with her 5 or 10 or 15 years later to see how she was doing. She's not the kind of person with BPD they were studying. Later, when I was 31 years old and went to a Psychiatrist myself, and I talked about my mom, he realized she sounded like a narcissist. He recommended Dr. Ramani's TH-cam channel where I discovered she's a textbook Covert Narcissist COMBINED with BPD explosive rage. My current therapist seemed for a while to be convinced the 3 hour rages I described her having in my teenage years were indicative of Bipolar Disorder but she's not an expert in diagnosis. She's a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC). I feel confident BPD is closer than bipolar for how my mom was. This wasn't mania. this was extreme emotional dysregulation and alcoholism. You might say my mom clearly isn't really a fair case, because she had way more going on than BPD. But there are a LOT of people out there with this kind of messy story instead of a clean and easy to study in research one.
@@Liberate269 Optimistically, I think it's treatable if the person is willing to work on themselves, to take responsibility for hurting others, to want to change and to try and to seek therapy and treatment. It still takes YEARS to have major improvements, and when I dated someone with quiet BPD they had been trying to seek treatment for over a decade but no one had even successfully diagnosed them with BPD until about 14 years after their first suicide attempt. Actually, I think they SELF-DIAGNOSED at that point, and then the mental health professionals agreed only after they realized the patient was right. My partner at the time thought DBT was amazingly helpful but struggled so severely in the meantime. It was too much for me to bear despite trying SO hard for an entire year.
Sometimes it's really tough to find the silver lining but this is the most positive intro to a video about this condition as I have seen. For that I really appreciate it. Thank you doctor
Dated someone with bpd, I'm writing this before watching so I can update afterwards. My experience going in is that I was constantly walking on eggshells, looking for any indication of what i was to expect at a given time, try to unpack what occurred that illicited the change and was considered antagonistic for it. As someone with anxiety and depression, I'm very glad I'm no longer with that person
Dating someone with BPD for 10 years since 19 years old has been the hardest thing I've gone through and is still many times very difficult. She has improved dramatically since then but I wish we had more support from family, friends, and professionals; it would made everything so much less traumatic.
I feel that. I've been in a relationship with a person with BPD for 3 years since 18 and it has gotten to the point where my own family stays away from him out of discomfort surrounding his extreme emotions. All he's ever been to them is kind but there have been times where he expressed his struggles in an intensely emotional way and that has just driven my family away. Having that support from them would be extremely helpful, and I know what it's like to be left in the dark because of a lack of support. At least this video gives me hope that it can get better.
@@Max-ud3qo wait so you’re telling me that your partner has been nothing but kind to your family, yet the moment he has his struggles they abandon him and don’t want to be around him anymore?? Despite the fact that he’s always been kind to them. Wtf. Your family sounds like the issue, not him. They should be more compassionate and understanding towards him. He can’t help it. I don’t think they realise that the emotional intensity of BPD is like having three degree burns that nobody but yourself can notice. That’s how it’s been described as by professionals. Lucky for them that they don’t have to deal with that, shame on them for being so neglectful to someone (who’s been nothing but kind to them) when they’re suffering. I’d disown that family. They sound horrible, like the kind of people who will only be there during the good and never the bad. That’s disowning material status in my eyes. Ain’t no way I’d let my family treat my partner that way for having struggles that they can’t help.
@@trickstersenses It's a very complicated situation. I'll start by saying that both of my parents have been wanting to provide any kind of support they can for him. Both are very sweet and loving people and want to create a situation where everyone is happy and healthy. However, my sister is the one who has been neglectful. She's only 15 and deals with her own mental health issues but has completely cut him out and stopped talking to him entirely for no other reason than "he acted too emotional around me too many times." Obviously, you cut someone out of your life entirely and cease communication when they have severely wronged or hurt you, not when they are simply suffering and asking for love and support. Maybe that person's intense emotions make you uncomfortable, but in that case, you set boundaries while maintaining a sense of acceptance for them, not completely cease all communication and act like the person doesn't exist. So yeah, I'm taking big issue with this because it's having a very intense effect on my partner and my sister is doing absolutely nothing to try and fix the situation. The entire fear in BPD surrounds abandonment, and my own family member has chosen to abandon him. When I was referring to "family" I was only minorly referring to my parents as well because part of me feels like they could be doing more to help my sister figure this situation out instead of letting her just entirely cut out my partner. But I don't put any blame on them as they have been nothing but kind and loving toward us. I simply wish there was some fix to this situation because it's causing a ton of stress and depression for the both of us.
@@Max-ud3qo Then ideally, your sister needs to mature up a little bit and have a sit down with your parents, you and your partner. Have a cup of tea or a hot drink present to help ease the tension. She needs to learn how to establish boundaries instead of cutting someone out, making them feel like a problem for having mental health issues. She wouldn’t like it if someone did that to her, so she shouldn’t do that upon others. She’s 15 now, she’s at an age where she needs to learn that actions have consequences and that karma will bite her right in the backside. She needs to sit down with your partner and say “hey look I understand that you have your own mental health issues, I know that it’s difficult for you to manage strong emotions, however I cannot be that person who helps you through those times as I am emotionally unavailable to due to my own mental health issues.” And establish some boundaries that are healthy both for him and herself. What she is doing is cruel. BPD episodes only get worse when there is abandonment, and that’s precisely what she’s done to him- abandoned him. That’s only gonna make his BPD go wild, as people with BPD have an intense fear of abandonment. No offence or anything, but your sister needs to grow up a little and gain some perspective. If that’s what she’s gonna do when others around her have mental health issues and become emotional, then she shouldn’t be surprised when others start to do the same to her when she has her moments of need. In fact, if it’s already happened to her- that’s just karma at this point. Maybe she needs to be told- what goes around, comes back around. I feel for your partner, I really do. I hope he’s okay, and I hope you’re okay too and I hope that both of you can get through this and come out stronger from it as a team.
@@trickstersenses The same thing happened to me with an ex-partner, he had a wonderful family. Although I always tried to be kind, in fact I always was. But they could feel that there was some internal conflict (struggling with dissociation, not being carried away by the lack of coherence of the self, etc.). That is to say, they wanted someone normal for her daughter, not someone who would constantly fight with himself to be integrated into others. There is something very tribal about that, it is her family and they wanted the best for her. It must also be said, the BPD diagnosis came two years after ending my relationship with her, she looked for someone more stable. Now, 12 years later she is happy, her family and her friends when sees me, they feels great compassion towards me. But I will always be an emotionally unstable person for them, there will always be that stigma. They love me well but not too close because they already have their own problems. Which is understandable, they are just protecting themselves. The path of humility and compassion is very important, those who left us behind were for reasons of self-protection and well-being in the medium-long term. I don't feel resentment, only understanding. I have been with 3 couples after that and even so it was the family that tried the most to welcome me into its fold. I will always be grateful for that. Things get a lot better over the years. :))
Same for me.. I feel like I’m the sweetest person.. I’m just so sensitive it’s so fucking annoying and exhausting how your brain is constantly in survival mode and thinking others are deceiving you.. it’s hard for you to trust but you give others all the love you can when you feel loved.. but when we feel misunderstood and unheard.. we definitely lash out.. it’s not ok.. I hope we all learn to appreciate those who stick beside us.. I have felt this way my whole life and am just finding out that I most likely have this.. is relieving .. hopefully I can get the help I need before I lose the love of my life or push anyone else I love away.. wish me luck guys.
My partner has BPD and this video certainly makes me feel a lot more understood and made me realize a couple of things I wish I would've understood sooner. If this video would've come out 2 years ago it would've probably made my, and probably also my partners, life quite a bit easier. It absolutely is a rollercoaster, but just because someone has a PD doesn't mean that they aren't an amazing and beautiful person on the inside. Thanks to you I now also feel a lot more validated on getting therapy myself, I've been thinking about it for a year or so now, but I always felt like my issues are so miniscule that I don't want to take up a therapy spot, that someone else could maybe use a lot better than me (they're kinda scarce in my country). So thank you!
You described exactly, word to word, my ex gf. I swear I tried everything, but at one point I couldnt do it anymore. If you are with someone with BPD and don't see improvement, put yourself a deadline please. You can end up really fucked up by staying because of guilt. Its not your responsibility to fix other people.
As someone with BPD, I second this! You have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help others. There's a big difference being with someone who acknowledges their issues and is working on them; and those who can't even see it yet.
This is so true, i was in a toxic relationship for 4.5 yrs and it really amplified my bpd, especially when i was discarded. I was an absolute emotional basketcase but I knew i needed help and i completet virtual DBT therapy that i got signed up for through the hospital, and i got into a health and supportive relationship with a kind man that treats me well, and im doing sooo much better now than i was doing in my last nightmare relationship ❤
I have been dating a woman with BPD for about a year and a half. I love her, but it has been very difficult. I was an insecure individual before, and this relationship amplified my insecurities by magnitudes. It’s been one of the most stressful experiences of my life. If you’re thinking about participating in a relationship like this, be aware that it can be very, very difficult. I love her dearly. She’s very special to me and that’s what makes it so hard.
I had a wonderful bpd friend who was very knowledgeable in their diagnosis and other health conditions. They had bad days and worse days but never let that hurt us. I have pretty severe depression with people pleasing habits and it was them who helped pull me out of a lot of the gunk. Imagine my shock when I heard bpd was just as negatively stigmatized as narcissism. Now, I had a depressed friend that was very much an emotional vampire, always wanting to vent, never wanting to take any advice and rarely made it safe for me to say what I wanted (either bc they'd make it about them, pushed another tropic when I wanted to vent or drop something inappropriate in the middle of me talking about anything). I literally shook whoever I saw them. The depressed friend was the one my loved ones were telling me to run from, not the one with bpd. It's funny how we pick and choose what disorders to hate, ain't it?
Do not have BPD and have never dated someone who does but I learned a ton from this. I think I did at least gain a bit more compassion for folks who have BPD. Thanks doc
All the videos about BPD have been very helpful. My spouse doesn’t have a diagnosis yet but I feel like the videos have been a camera into our life. Knowing this information is such an eye opener for me and will help me respond better to the highs, lows, disproportionate reactions, etc.
I dated this girl for 10 months. She was diagnosed around 6 months ago with BPD. She is wonderful, but I was too emotionally drained, and we came into an agreement that we should break up. We still talk, less than before, but I promised that I wasn't leaving her life, and I would still be by her side, helping her. I feel that made the break up easier for both of us. But one thing that I would tell to someone that is dating a BPD person is that you shouldn't feel responsible for them. If you are not feeling good about your relationship, talk to some professional about it and if you have to break up, do it. It will be hard, but it's needed. It's not your fault. I've gone through so much before realising it, it took months to realize the manipulation or how I was so tired from it. But one thing I know, she is getting better, and I'm sure that in a couple of years she will be so much more stable. And I'm so happy for her, because she suffers so much from it... I really want her to be happy.
Dont want to sound cynical, but if she has full-fledged BPD, she probably really doesnt need your "support" and you in her life - she probably has a new object of fascination that will be the centerpiece of her attention for some time and you are absolutely expendable, chances are she will even demonize you as mentioned in the video and talk exclusively bad things about you from now on. Again, dont want to sound harsh, but thats my experience of 10 years with someone with the disorder.
This is possibly the most comprehensive discussion on BPD I have ever experienced. There's however one huge flaw in its premise. Most of us needed to know this BEFORE we had a relationship with someone with BPD. We were deeply in love and wanted/needed help, but we had no idea what we were dealing with. Infact, I'm not sure she knew what she was dealing with. You are forced to a point where yiu don't want to go, you love them, but if you stay you will lose yourself in them. You find the intermittent reinforcement replaces love with addiction. It's great that there's hope but both need support, and a willingness to change.
I’ve been the “demonized” person adjacent to a relationship with someone with BPD. I wanted nothing to do with it-the guy she was dating (in a poly relationship) came onto me, and I turned him down-but she wrecked several relationships in my life over it. Not just my friendship with the people she was dating, but with a whole extended group. Maybe if she wasn’t refusing treatment, things would have been different, but it’s taken me most of a decade to repair some of those relationships. I’m here to try to gain some perspective.
Yeah, I also have read bpd can grow into narcism as stabilization of the broken/absent selfworth. I wonder if this is hypothetical or if we have actual data on this.
I was in a 4 year long relationship with a man with BPD and this really hit the nail on the head. It was really a wild ride. My mental health absolutely tanked and I was diagnosed with OCD because of the anxiety from dealing with his swings and manipulation. It wasn't the relationship for me but I always hoped that he'd get better.
This is truly a great community, i have NEVER gotten so many likes and replies to a comment I post when there's already hundreds, and I didn't even say anything special! As a a person with untreated bpd for the first 30 years of life, yes, we are.... a lot. Dealing with my shit, regulating my own emotions well helped a lot, but its still not easy. Edit now that I watched the whole thing. I thought it was funny you said stable relationships help people get better. Its true but I want to add that thats not only true for stable romantic relationships. I had to stay single for almost 5 years to be healthy enough for my "soulmate" that I have finally found. Healthy PEOPLE have healthy relationships, (in my experience) not the other way around. But that's why we need communities like this.
That's definitely true. When I was friends with someone who attached to me in a bpd way i felt like they needed to be cut off from me because *everything* I did or said fed their need for attention from me. They never truly tried to be their own person without me or stop trying to control me. So I had to leave, and i still need to stay away bc of my trauma, but I sincerely hope they learn to be better.
I am so grateful for my man with BPD. We encourage each other to have boundaries and have open conversations is so important. The ONLY way this type of relationship works if all parties are open to make mistakes, learn from them, hold each other accountable and at the end of the day we want to be together in a healthy relationship. So we do our best to make sure we are actively working on ourselves first. We have 'non negotiables' which are boundaries we both put down that cannt get crossed at any time snd if they do that means we have a talk about what went wrong, and come up with a plan to support each other while someone is struggling which could be living separately temporarily. Splitting manage is a HUGE thing. Every night before we go to bed we say thank you for today - even if it was a largely crappy day, we make a point to say thank you for being part of ny day and we would come up with a list of good and bad things thst haopned thst say to remind us that life is not all or nothing. I do wish Men with BPD were covered more often as i feel the symptoms are expressed so differently.
I'm curious as to when/where your husband got his diagnosis. All of the things you are describing are, as a general rule of thumb, beyond the capacity of a BPD sufferer to achieve, maintain, accomplish with ay success or regularity! BPD sufferers are NEVER prone to accepting responsibility for their actions or the damage they cause. Honestly, based on what you have written, I would have cause to challenge the diagnosis as incorrect!
As someone who has had a great deal of failure in regulating emotions, a BPD diagnosis was troubling. Especially because at the time I was in a relationship with a nymphomaniac narcissist. I've watched 2 of your videos now about the condition, and they're very relatable and informative 🙏
Also, single parent, combat vet with ADD here, so I understand my situation probably qualifies as an outlier, but, over the last few years, you’re vids/streams have been paramount in my road to recovery. Have you had any experience/desire to work with the VA?
I watched this for myself, after destroying all of my relationships… I’ve been building better habits lately and this video is the best advice for bpd that I’ve seen so far
This video came into my life 1 month too late. I broke up with my undiagnosed BPD girlfriend, you described the relationship perfectly. I left after she had a physically abusive episode, I strangely feel guilty for doing the right thing and walking away, she turn the tables calling me narcissistic and saying that I abandoned her. Now I understand the emotional swings, ironically I still miss her.
No way dude, if anyone physically or continuously emotionally abuses you, you do not stick with that. Do NOT try to "fix" that person. The only time it is worth sticking around and supporting them is if THEY acknowledge that THEY have a problem and they are actively seeking or receiving treatment for it.
I feel that man. I was with my ex for 7 years until last march. Things became abusive both ways but it was always worth trying to fix and to this day i dont agree with the people here and think abuse automatically means you should never talk to the person...but admittedly, esp with bpd, esp in a long relationship that had deep hurts both ways, it really is hard to course correct once it gets there.
But yeah, no shame in still missing her. There was likely a lot to miss. I know the connection i had--and in many way, will always have--with my bpd ex will be very very difficult to replicate again. I went thru a bunch of rebounds this year and nobody made me feel a fraction of how she did on a normal day.
Oh my god, my avoidant girl ticks all these boxes. A few days ago, she finally felt safe and comfortable enough with me to begin to really unpack her trauma from previous relationships and childhood. I don’t know if things will work out. I really hope they will…I love her so much. But if they don’t, I’ll be happy if she’s just able to heal with me.
This is by far the best video I have seen on BPD! You describe the dynamics so well. If you’re open to video ideas, could you make a video on how someone with BPD can avoid getting into a relationship with a narcissist? I think it would be a big help as this dynamic is very painful for someone with BPD.
One of the worst parts is being so ashamed of your BPD-needs that you push people away because you just know that they will ridicule and abandon you for your emotional outbursts and need for love. It gets even worse if you manage to ignore your inner turmoil up to a certain point, because the other person will then be even more shocked if you loose it eventually after a longer period of stability. You`re basically given two choices when it comes to relationships: being honest and not getting a chance for a healthy relationship in the first place, spending the rest of your life as a walking corpse, or a rolercoaster that will leave both of you exhausted and emotionally scarred.
I have a 21-year-old daughter with BPD. I cannot describe how traumatizing and heartbreaking it has been to see this happen to such a beautiful and intelligent girl. Highs and lows she has experienced some of the unbelievably awful things she has said to me are difficult to even explain. Currently she has me locked out of her life and it has been this way for six months. It is dreadful
I think my mom had BPD. She was literally abandoned by her parents for a few days, and abused by them on the regular. She was into health food and self-improvement, and I wish she'd had the resources available now - she'd have gotten relief from her internal suffering.😿 Edit: lollll he said "BPD people tend to end up with narcissists". MY DAD WAS SUCH A NARCISSIST!!!! Dr. K - 10/10 accuracy
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You're absolutely right in saying its not good to discard someone because they have a mental illness". But when they are abusive, or your own mental health is suffering, that is absolutely 100% a valid reason.
If they don't get a hold of their emotions they will make you lose hold of yours. If you're the man that means prison. Forcing others to bear the responsibility of your emotions is sympathy terrorism.
@@Orpheus063 But I think you are overlooking the fact that it is possible for someone with bpd to be good for the person dating them as well. Trying to deal with and make it work with someone that has a mental disorder such as bpd (and just going out of our comfort zone in general) can make people more accepting and open-minded. People who don't "run for the hills" as he said are not just getting by, but they are also learning to adapt.
@@spicytee133 It robs you of emotional freedom, something they accept within themselves whole-heartedly. Taking away a woman's physical freedom is abuse, why don't we see it the same way when men have their emotional freedom curtailed? I am way more emotionally stable than her, by default of our genders. But she is so unstable she caused me to lose all stability, when two forces meet one will prevail. The BPD individual either relinquishes their BPD behaviours or they double down and destroy you with them. It makes the whole relationship about that and not the two individuals. It becomes a game of pacification, of appeasement. Pure slavery is all I can use to describe the egg shells you'll end up walking on to keep them from flying off. I'm sure there are example of women that aren't so die hard married to the concept of BPD that they can relinquish its hold over them. But that's not what I had, and honestly I'll never recover. Be careful what you do, destroy yourself all you want. But destroying someone you claim to love? Fucking shame. Pure unadulterated selfish bullshit. No one expects you sign on a dotted line the moment you meet, but when you start pursuing, going down that path. You make a promise to dedicate, people with BPD can't dedicate to shit, to you, to anything. You and everything is just a prop in the play that is their entertainment, you are a pawn in their game. You will dance or you will be thrown away like trash. It's the worst feeling you can give to someone you claim to love, throw it all away, throw them away, like you was thrown away. I am the vehicle for your trauma, the vessel to fill with your darkness. While refuse all of mine, refusing my love and personhood. Everything exists for you because you lack meaning. People have no idea what BPD is and probably never will, but whatever you all think it is is BS.
@higherselftarot4304es, its often combined with narcessism. Sometimes just narcessism. I d stay away from them.
if you can’t put yourself first that means you have the right to leave. There’s actually always a right to leave, some people are just sick and cruel and like to seek revenge over something as simple as having the freedom to leave.
I think the sad part about rejecting someone with BPD is realizing that most people with BPD come from severe childhood trauma. Imagine being abused your whole life into becoming dysregulated adult and being shamed for it. Something you had no choice over. It's very damaging to the person with BPD. Being shunned for a conditioned they didn't ask for and was abused into
This isn't to say that you should tolerate abusive behavior/not set boundaries. And definitely leave if the relationship is becoming toxic. Though, I find it sad that people with BPD have a lack of understanding. Where I feel people are more willing to tolerate enabling abusers than people who are broken because of abuse
Eventually you have to become an adult and fix your problems. They should do that before entering relationships.
@@GodWorksOut BPD isn't really a problem you fix, it's a problem you manage for the rest of your life
Apples and oranges. Abusers may threaten to *harm you or someone else* for leaving, so yeah, many people are willing to tolerate or enable them. Broken people don’t usually wield that kind of power over others.
in my experience, i've noticed people are a lot less understanding to behaviors that involve something like anger
i'm feeling sad due to mental health? people will generally try and give sympathy, they'll try to understand. but if I have an angry outburst due to mental health? people generally see me as a bad person and will avoid me more.
it's a normal human reaction and i can't exactly blame them, especially when i mentally "dig into" why they do it. just something i try to keep note of, seems to help a little bit
@@_WeDontKnow_ This I agree, Or I found in my family, everyone was willing to tolerate my abusive mothers anger and outbursts. Actively enabling her and continuously being victim to her abuse. But my anger always made them uncomfortable
I think as a society we are conditioned to deal with problematic people by enabling and letting it slide. But when a person displays anger to a situation, people react because you're doing the thing that they are incapable of
I think there’s a lot of men that have BPD and just don’t get diagnosed and women are likely being over diagnosed and misdiagnosed as well. I’m a male and have BPD, quiet BPD. I once had all the symptoms except self harm (unless you consider bingeing and purging).
Just like Autism in women is under diagnosed.
This. This is so important for people to realize. I read somewhere that men with BPD have a higher risk for alcoholism than women. I think it might fly under the radar in some cases because addiction issues are more visible.
Same here. I have high functions bpd. It makes it really hard, because I try to hide it. Or I don’t share what it’s like with other people. A lot of times I suffer in silence
100%
I had literally every single symptom for a *while* before being diagnosed. And I realized it for a *while* before too. And I only got diagnosed because I fucking realized how to put it into words because I saw the symptoms and thought it was likely, since I had been struggling with it for a long time until then. I live in a slightly less developed country (land of Žižek Dončič yadda yadda) where the maximum I'm going to get a therapist without having an obscene wage is once per two months, and other stuff its even worse, years long waiting periods. I had to get through this shit myself (mostly w/ pirated DBT workbooks), and it was worth it but... fuck me is it annoying. Not that I'm not still struggling but at least I'm not unintentionally abusive to those around me anymore. I just wish this shit was more talked about.
I was in a relationship with a woman with BPD for a year and a half, and it had a negative outcome in my health. But unlike many commenters who express regret, for me it was an unique occasion for growth. She let all my weaknesses emerge, and gave me the chance to recognize and work on them. I now understand myself much better and I'm better at dealing with other people and setting boundaries.
We lived some amazing moments and some difficult ones, but I treasure and thank for all of them. Hope she finds her peace and goes on to live a happy life.
super relatable, at the beginning I thought it was the worst thing that happened in my life but it was a blessing in disguise
@@TM-et7wi true ❤️
Man that beautiful to read I'm currently dating one of these women. And I feel what you said , I'm ageing incredibly fast yet learned things about myself I had no idea...cause I have to be so gentle and control my emotions
@@EdmundSampson-pd7vi more power to you
hope everything will be alright
but is that right or are you coping? is the way you were treated ok to treat other people? what if you had BPD too? would she help? are some people with BPD more selfish than others, despite not having more trauma? and you say she gave you a chance but showing them to you and pushing you rushing you hurting you aging you, how long are you gonna last with your health now? how much more strength willy ou have for someone, is your life about thme only, there are other people, goals, things to do, is it all for the better?
The whole bit about a BPD partner idealizing you and then demonizing you when things change is SPOT ON. I had an off-and-on girlfriend with BPD over the last decade who ran an absolute train on my mental health, and one thing I realized was that whenever we were dating, I was supposedly the best partner she’d ever been with in every conceivable way, and she’d constantly compare me to her other exes who she had nothing positive to say about. A couple months after she cheated on and ghosted me, I came to the realization that she does that exact same game with EVERYONE. That was the day I stopped missing her. She was never going to get the help she needed, no matter how supportive I was. Lots of love to anybody making a BPD relationship work. Most people won’t ever fully understand what you go through and the sacrifices you make.
Damn, man. Glad you realized this and I hope that now you can start to heal inside.
They are also dangerous women to be around in more ways than one (stds, unaliving..etc) good thing you got out
Can absolutely relate to this, was in a very similar situation with a very similar outcome for my own mental health
I am there right now! And I can tell you it hurts as a mf
@@love_reka_8877 this is an I ignorant thing to say. Have empathy. People do not choose this or many things in life. We all deserve a chance at happiness.
I've been with two people diagnosed with BPD and I"ve had long, happy relationships with both- I'm married to the second! Something I've found to help them change their thought process on a day to day isn't to give comfort but instead to give them something to hold onto. I'll say something like "I Know we just spent 3 days together, but tomorrow I'll have to go back to work. I promise while I'm at work even if I can't text you constantly, I still love you and we're okay. My boss will boil me alive if I text on the job". 9/10 times those pre-emptive reassurances give their BPD something to obsess over that ISN'T negative..and in time those negative reactions dull to occasional spats and continue to smooth as time goes on. It is TOUGH, but if you love someone and you make the choice to be there for them, keeping things grounded in honesty and realism is important. De-programming that trauma response of being abandoned takes so much time and patience but watching them blossom into confident and content people is amazing.
This comment is rly nice bcs one of my closest friends started dating a girl with bpd and i want to help him and thanks to you i can help him better
Marry me next please 🥲
That's a great idea! Thanks!
Are you a woman? Sounds uncharacteristically empathetic for most of the men I see in these comment sections, I'd be really impressed if a guy understood just how much saying "know I still love you even if I can't text" can mean. To me it's so obvious, this is just how you treat someone you love, you want to assuage their insecurities, not wait for them to feel a perceived abandonment and lash out.
@@Linksballs I am a guy! 29 years old. I am flawed and I have a temper and I'm pretty grumpy, but I know someone's own mind can be their biggest enemy.
as someone with BPD all i can say is everything was so well said and well put in this video, and the disclaimer at the end about not wanting to offend anyone was just the cherry on top. having BPD is a miserable experience that ruins your life but hearing someone say people with BPD deserve love and compassion too means a lot. thanks for making this video
It’s so true you guys deserve nothing but love and care. I’ll never judge someone for their mental illness. But again you guys deserve nothing but love and care. ♥️
As a victim that was discarded. I rediscovered the people that always loves me. My family, parents and lone sibling. They got me out of jail when the bpd falsely accused me. And a place to stay when she followed up with a restraning order. The people I discarded due to alllowimg myself to be manipulated, let me back in to their lives without question. We are just happy that we are a family again. I have a question for bpd's . Maybe that love and understanding you desire, is waiting for you with someone or some people you discarded?
BPD does not have to be a miserable experience and ruin your life! Trust me, you can heal. BPD is the most treateable personality disorder. It might take some years, but you can get your life, joy and love back. There's many people who make it out on the other side. Never lose hope and keep working on it.
@@priestrat the problem with the girl that I dated, she refused to admit that she had BPD and would flip it around on me and call me a narcissist. She was married for 10 years and her ex tried to get her in therapy and she refused to go.
@priestrat Maybe. Anything is possible I guess. And just leave a trail of destruction, pain, and sorrow inflicted on others. While taking zero accountability, and still blaming the victims.. I've never heard a bpd acknowledge a victim of their past, ever. What does that mean? The incurable condition continues. Just utilising a non genuine cover of self awareness to just keep doing the same. Manipation that is not really manipulation when it icoms from a bpd. Yet it results in the same outcome. People being "tricked", lied to, and hurt. Then discarded and called narsisists.. Next?
Dated a girl with BPD and the splitting was just... The worst.
I loved her but man, the things she said broke me. I understood what was going on but its just so painful to deal with when it actually rolls around.
Agreed man. For me it's the lack of empathy and effort to understand the effect their behavior has on you / the other. Like, I'd write a paragraph about how I was feeling and get a one word response. Tough times.
that's what you just say I'm splittingnow you can do it
I feel you. It hurts even more when people with BPD seem to often be attracted to sensitive, caring people who have a hard time opening up in the first place. To let someone in and have your vulnerability and trauma weaponised into emotional abuse is the ultimate betrayal.
@Mrperfectwoo , same here brow. My last girlfriend had BPD and I love so much here, but it's complicated 😕... You going to heaven to hell in seconds
Exactly man, when they split it’s mindblowing how fare the shaming and rage can go, you will be blamed for everything and all of your past mistake or even presumed mistakes or insults will be thrown at you until you either submit, fight back, or walk away, and either one you will shamed or guilted for, there’s no resolutions for you ever, which leads to extreme resentment, and then next thing you know a few years later you’re all messed up.
As someone with BPD, the KNOWING that nobody or nothing (substances, sense desires etc) in this world can "save" me from having to experience emotional pain is important to know. Even if I feel abandoned or rejected because something triggered me I will try my best to meditate, journal or dance / sing it out instead. My nerves are literally on fire from the pain I feel sometimes, but I don't want to project it onto my loved ones so when I feel overwhelmed I make the conscious effort to tell them how I'm feeling and that it's not their fault at all but I need time to process my emotions or that I need time alone to calm down. But this is all from studying psychology on channels like 'DR K' and 'therapy in a nutshell' as well as other books about stoicism etc. It's important to not let others be the basis for your emotional health... Even though it's your first response to do so. I still FEEL like I need a saviour and sometimes I FEEL like causing petty arguements with others out of insecurity but I KNOW logically what the cause is and how I need to deal with my emotions. They aren't for others to manage. They are my own. I still have many flaws like isolating myself and feeling the need to idolise others but I honestly think it's something that I'll have to keep at until it becomes second nature to love myself instead of seeking for it externally.
Knowing this means you’re well on your way!
So proud of you!
Well said
Thank you for sharing
Thats really awesome. I was never diagnosed with BPD but I had extreme abadonment issues and everything you said is what I did to help myself heal from it. Took a long time but well worth it. Good luck on your journey 💕
I've learned that letting my friends know when I'm in a low has really helped our relationships. They know to avoid more emotional topics around that time and if I do end up acting off, they're already aware of why and we can both calmly agree to just take a break after an apology from me until I can chill out. Them understanding my mental state and us planning around it is odd, for sure, and took getting used to, but it really changed my life for the better.
as a BPD myself, this sentence is SOOOOO true : "the way that you feel about yourself is tied to the way you are treated"
I have BPD and I out loud said “yuuuup!” When he said that.
Also, the part about being stuck in a negative emotion for an entire day. We feel negative emotions faster, stronger and way way way longer. When I’m stuck in anger or depression, I feel like no one understands and they really don’t. They can’t related to the intensity and longevity of my pain. They shrug it off and it makes me feel like I’m over reacting and they are downplay or misunderstanding my pain. After a day or two or three, I finally get back to my rational brain and out of my emotional brain and can see they were being nice and trying to help. But at the time I feel like they were being dismissive or just didn’t get me.
To improve my life, I need to remember this fact: negative emotions hit me faster, are more intense and last way way longer. I can’t expect everyone to get it, to understand the rage in me or the extreme suicidal depression. When I bounce back from it, I feel like I have my life back, my brain back. When I’m in it, I feel like I’m possessed by a demon or a psychopath. Then I come back to earth. It often takes days, depending on the severity of the trigger and the context of how well my life is going.
I hare this aspect of bpd.
Dont want to take away from that, but isn't this always the case? Even for people who don't have BPD? Everyone who doesn't have an extremely strong self-esteem would feel bad, if everyone treats them bad.
@@KEEYBLADE yeah I feel this strongly. Then again I have ADHD and being encouraged verbally is more motivating than being paid or any future payoff.
But that's true for everyone except the self-made rich, generally typing of course.
My ex-gf has BPD, one time she had a surgery and she was connected to a monitor, we made a quick experiment in which I would just mention the phrase "let's break-up", we both knew it was an experiment but her heart rate fell almost inmediatly, we repeated it with different phrases and right after I said anything that she'd feel as rejection her heart rate would drop (to nothing alarming but it'd drop), it's true that they feel 10x faster and deeper than most people do and this will cause them to overreact and obsess over shit that most people would simply let go, ignore or not mind at all thus causing endless conflict that to the receiving end (ie, me) would feel rather exaggerated and nonsensical and with enough time, unbearable.
that's messed up, especially after having surgery.
Hope she get better
@@atmosphero7074 thank you random citizen
@@RadioYui That's so... just so fucking sad. Just reading it makes my heart drop for her. I'm both sad for her and that there are so many of us living with the most extreme emotions like that, that I'm the same. We're so fragile, we're so scared, we could break into pieces at any minute and are aware of that any second of the day, ready to try and brace it in perpetual preparation, but we still know it'll just shatter us either way. It does different things to your mind if it's unexpected even, not being ready for something negative can be such a shock that you shut down entirely, and dissociate for very, very long. Until your brain has developed even additional and new defense-mechanisms around it, and you have a new trauma.
Btw, "netizen" is a word you could use instead of "citizen" for referring to people on the internet, if you'd like. Just a suggestion.
Edit: And truly, thank you for being such an understanding, supportive, great partner. I bet she is grateful with her entire soul.
I think you both learned a lot from this, which must have been extremely helpful to your relationship in the long run. And I recognize that you both agreed to this as an experiment
As someone with bpd, I wish I can grow completely emotionally numb because I don't want to drag people I love into my extreme roller coasters. Experiencing all these are really tiring but I do REALLY know it's even more tiring to the people engaged with me due to my excessive needs. The "don't give up" part is so hard right now. I wish I can stop hurting people out of my intention.
Literally me… god help us
@@zzdodolzz you’ll be alright! There are enough ppl (without bpd) who dó want to stay and who wont give up. You are more than just the disorder and you are worthy of love
❤ you're okay
the one for you will understand you and u will not feel the way u feel
Would love to also hear a lot more about how women are often diagnosed with BPD when we are actually autistic. Talking about the differences is really important for some of us. In fact, wish Dr. K would talk more about autism generally.
@@lindseybishop1213 Why do you say this? Any examples ? I’m actually curious, I hope I’m not being mean by asking
@@lindseybishop1213 well yes, but that's true for anyone that talks so much as a streamer.
@@lindseybishop1213I’ve never seen that in him. He’s been pretty objective plus it’s his job as a therapist to be like that as well. I can see how since his audience is majorly male gamers maybe he’ll try to understand their perspective more.
@@lindseybishop1213 it’s statistics really. Parents treat and traumatize their kids very differently, girls need to be loving and boys don’t cry, that kind of thing. Fucks you up in different ways as an adult.
@@owlson2527 don't worry that comment is pure bs.
I was in relationship with someone who had BPD and she liked to start fights so she could vent excess emotional energy (her words) and when I was calm she interpreted that as apathy for the relationship. It created a vicious cycle of getting verbally abused for being composed and when I would express my frustrations then I was being “unregulated”. Every single thing became a weapon to emotionally escalate any situation. It sounds easy enough from Dr. K’s mouth, but in reality it was the most relentlessly toxic and exhausting environment
Man i was in the same exact situation before. It’s true it’s the hardest thing ever. And it’s good you are out of it now.
Man if I were in a relationship again, even if someone is struggling mentally, as long as there is compromise between us everything would be alright and I would love them unconditionally.
i'm in a much healthier relationship now. we don't fight or bicker. we just enjoy each other's company, have fun, travel, and try to make each other better. it's super validating knowing it really wasn't my fault that the previous relationship didn't work out. just be patient and don't lose your willingness to be kind. you'll find what's right for you!
@@corpsdice2910
Dr. K's advice is basically "Let monsters abuse you until they remember what it's like to be human". It's great advice for the monster but not so much for the functioning human.
@@Rainsoakedcoat yeah i can understand that interpretation. at the end of the day it will always come down to how much you love the other person and want to make the relationship work, so his advice seems to be geared toward ppl who really want to make things work long-term but don't have any idea how
I’m in this exact same situation now. If I’m calm she pushes and pushes and increases her personal attacks and then when I finally react she says “look at how emotionally unstable you are”. I see the patterns all the time and I’m trying to figure out how to break them but the truth is as much as I love this girl the relationship is slowly starting to break me.
I was married to someone for 20 years I've lived with them for a few years before that. After we got divorced I saw an article on BPD and recognized every symptom that my ex had, I felt a chill go down my spine. It would have been so helpful to have that information during our relationship. I know that she was suffering but she made me suffer a great deal as well because I didn't know what was going on half the time. I honestly feel that if she had received treatment for BPD we would never have been divorced.
I am myself married to a woman with BPD for 10 years so far. I understand what you mean but I wouldnt be so optimistic personally. Firstly, theres very little efficient treatment and in adult age, almost noone beats the disorder. Its all a matter of awareness and ability to self-reflect - few people have it, let alone with BPD. Secondly, I personaly am skeptical about the diagnosis, its often a left-over basket for people that dont match one particular category. It also sounds much more clinical than "character spoiled by toxic, incompetent mother", because thats the case 90 % of the time - even people who dont experience actual tantrums and are quite in control of their emotions if they want are often labeling themselves as "suffering" from BPD despite never going through actual diagnostics, simply because some paid therapist told them over coffee and it sounds much better than simply being a totally toxic partner unwilling to take responsibility for their demeanor.
Yeah it's sad that disorders weren't really common knowledge 20 years ago. I think a lot of suffering would have been prevented and people would have had a greater chance to understand what's happening with them or with their partners. Personally, I think BPD is not as treatable as the Dr makes it out although I appreciate his neutral hopeful approach to it. Like the Person above me commented, it takes a huge amount of self-awareness and restraint. You basically have to rewire your entire emotional reactice system. BPD is caused by childhood trauma. you gotta work through that trauma and it's exhausting and often depressing. Not everyone has the strength or the will or the help around them to heal their attachment wounds. Emotional hyper reactivity is something I think will never go down. It's a ptsd symptom - your nervous system is wired differently and you stay in panic mode a lot longer. I think BPD can be lessened greatly, especially if you meet really loving people and if you become aware of your problems, ideally before you're 20. There is more awareness now, thank god. It's easier to self diagnose and that can be incredibly helpful
@@mandarinadreux9572 I think it is all about self-awareness and ability to self-reflect - you can suffer from quite strong BPD-induced tantrums yet if you have discipline and the right approach, you can largely control the damage it does if you understand its largely foreign behavior induced by a disorder, you can warn your partner or walk away, shield your children and not expose them to the episodes too much, go for a walk and then come back and even laugh it off. But I only really saw one such person - the wast majority dont want to admit their overreactions are artificial and self-provoked and with time, are less and less aware of the reality around them, blame their partners for being cruel and cold, and so on.
The problem is once they are adults they usually don't want treatment or just try enough to hold on to you then relapse then try a little again etc etc. It's just a cycle of emotional and verbal abuse. And you think something has been resolved, but two years later it isn't, or the incident never happened at all, or blah blah blah. I love Dr K but I don't think he has been in an actual relationship with someone with BPD and he doesn't know what he is advocating people sign on for!
@@lovetolearn881 I think he should have a collaboration with Dr. Ramani about this. She focuses on narcissism, but she's aware of the other disorders. She has videos discussing the difference between narcissism and other disorders.
This rings so, so very true. Fear of abandonment, chameleon qualities, extreme mood swings, splitting...I finally chose my peace instead of being on top of the world 50% of the time. I love my ex, but I can't be with that person. It was wayyyy too much of a rollercoaster emotionally. I have anxiety and legitimate PTSD (my own shortcomings), and I had to finally decide to choose my peace. I truly enjoy your content and videos, Dr. K.
As someone with BPD I also tend to go for emotionally unavailable people who confirm my fears. I feel so deeply I end up wanting to love other broken people. But this contributes to the highs and lows as I cant connect with someone "chill". I tend to discard people who make me not feel extreme and give me lots of validation. Once the attentions on me I feel disgusted by affection. My brain fears true intimacy.
yah I know the feeling, this is where the "you have to love yourself first" cliches become like not cliches and a monumental life saving but ultra difficult task to pwBPD
@@lostintheflurry i do love myself 1/2 the time thanks to self splitting 🤣😂 but for realz i totally getchu.
That's more in the NPD area
@@mycoolvids well I dont have NPD. Maybe I can explain better. I attach to emotionally unavailable people who tend to use me. I chase is what im saying. Its not a discardal of available people in a sense of "i don't care about you." Its a "I don't feel safe with this affection. Intimacy feels inauthentic."
I don't use people and don't think Im better than anyone person.
@@exovit6348 my bpd exgirlfriend actually broke up with me because I didn't fill her "toxic relationship needs" and was "too good for her" in her words, she then kept trying to get together again for 2 months non stop. A week ago she stopped tho, saying that I never trully loved her and hopes she hates me soon... :/
I cried during this because no one understands how hard it can be to live with BPD. The way you’re so freaking sensitive to everything. Sensitive to every gesture, look, word, even when you’re feeling well something in the back of your mind keeps you tied to that fear of being left behind. I have an incredible support system and that helps, but I can’t imagine all of those who don’t or don’t realize they have BPD. MY HEART goes out to you guys. You are not alone. Seek help if you feel like you have the symptoms. What helps me to feel better after an episode is talking about it. No matter how silly the reason for getting upset is, talk about it. Sometimes you’re loved one or partner needs to hear it in order to better understand you and help you. I hate that they have to walk on eggshells sometimes but that’s how it is. But the fact that they are willing to just shows how much they love you. PROPS to all of you who deal with us BPD sufferers. Thanks for not giving up on us.
And thanks for the video. Great video to show the ones who don’t understand our behavior. Very well explained Doc!
Me too. legit cried. This is so spot on.
@@marcosalazar7090 BPD gang man. We gotta stick together ✌🏽
hey ive recently met a girl that has told me now she has bpd. do you mind sharing some of your own experiences on what happened or have helped you so i can be mindful of that. I can give more detail but id prefer if we take it off yt comments for that if you agree. or anybody else for that matter if you have any experiences i would like to educate myself to be a better person
@@pikipoki1801 yea sure. If u have an email we can do it through there
My gf has BPD and she does exactly what you suggest. She tells me her delusions. No matter how silly they may be. She is in DBT therapy and very self aware. She still has these delusions. But she knows that's what they are. Doesn't make her feel any better, but it at least gives her the confidence to confide in me those delusions. And it really does help to establish on both sides our understanding of BPD and her emotional disregulation. We have been together for two years and have had our ups and downs but by working together and having a mutual respect for each other's mindset we have fewer and smaller hills to climb when emotional disregulation is misunderstood. This is the best relationship I've ever been in and it is so worth the work~ 💗
I'm a 32 year old male with BPD and this video is spot-on! We test relationships and push away when they are good because we think the pain must be on its way! I'm finally breaking this pattern because of a patient, and wonderful woman in my life. It's hard to see which patterns are yours when you date other toxic and unstable people. But when you date someone who is truly honest, gentle and loving, something inside you goes, "Omg, these are MY problems and MY faulty views and patterns." It's a shame it took me so long to finally find something healthy. But it makes you work twice as hard to learn and resolve your issues when you can't blame the other person for your own bullshit. I have worked the hardest I've ever worked on myself because I don't want to lose a truly good thing. Owning my own shit is a good feeling, and it took me entering a truly healthy and stable relationship to see how much toxic shit I brought to the table. I really feel these wounds healing after such a long streak of nasty relationships. People with BPD really just need a stable relationship and a healthy sense of accountability to break these patterns. That being said, I can see why people would avoid dating us. We are a lot lol.
I would have loved to have been this person to my ex bf, but he didn't take responsibility at all. It was deeply hurtful. I commend you for doing the work, you are making your gfs life better because you saw your side of the stuff. Keep being an example, we need more people like you talking out there and educating others.
@@hspinnovators5516 I appreciate the kind words! It's definitely not easy but nobody gets better without taking accountability. I'm sorry you didn't get to have the same experience. Us BPDers are great lovers but we definitely have to get the dark side under control though lol.
Hello, my fiance was just diagnosed with BPD and its hard. So hard, and I'm trying so hard. And he's trying, so thank you for saying that there's hope. Because there are days/weeks I can't feel that hope. Blessings to you and your partner.
GOOD LUCK OP!!
I have tried so hard to be stable. I love him SO much!! But how do you just stay and put up with the abuse when they refuse to get diagnosed and get treatment? I've begged, I've bossed, and he won't do anything even though he is pretty aware of how terrible he's been to me.
This went from sciencey and informative to absolutely hilarious
I would be worried my boyfriend would think I must be manipulating him after watching this though! And having a BPD diagnosis has made me incredibly paranoid that I am manipulative/self-obsessed. I identify with a lot of the trails you mentioned but not much on the relationship side besides moderate splitting. I have been in constant relationships and put it down to just a fear of being on my own, not fear of abandonment as such. And I don't recall having any abdondoment related trauma. It's a difficult diagnosis to process because of how a lot of these symptoms are very negative.
could it be more of a trauma from having your feelings or needs ignored/neglected, even though it could maybe not have been caused to you on purpose?
Undiagnosed BPD is the biggest issue. If the partner has awareness there is hope. If they do not, you really do not want to be the one to try to awaken them to their issues. Also, these disorders are on a spectrum. There appears to be a HUGE difference between the extremes.
Either way, you need to read up on Splitting and Object Consistency. These can be extremely damaging to a partner of someone with BPD and is why anyone in such a relationship needs to be very careful.
@Defreshh! So, is this to make fun about the previous person's comment? To me, they made a sensible point. Who are you to tell them they need help?
@@Lopro94 i don’t have sympathy for people who take out their pain and frustrations out on the world . Tbh I don’t care what you think. That guy above is projecting their internalized behaviors in his/ her comment .
@@defreshh9961 Hm, interesting. I read the comment differently - that the person said they preferred not to be prematurely judged/face prejudices on the internet based on their BPD diagnosis because the spectrum is diverse. To me, that seems like a sensible statement. Where did you see projection in what they wrote?
@@Lopro94 why is he assuming people on the internet or strangers actually make assumptions that he “stalks” people. It makes no sense . It’s almost as if he’s in denial and he is projecting in an interesting way.
@@Lopro94 maybe he worded it weird ! I’m not sure
I think ultimately the thing that broke us apart was that I wasn't able to be her rock anymore.
I too struggle with depression, and as it got worse, the worse her BPD outbursts become.
I wanted to go to couple's therapy, she didn't, and I couldn't handle the abuse anymore.
As much as I love her, as much as I wanted to help her, I just can't.
Been there. Breaking it off in that situation is extremely difficult too.
i feel you brother, the same happened to me. I dated her for about 5 years. We moved into an apartment the last 2. But when the lease was up i couldn’t do it anymore.
I was going to therapy off and on (when I had the money) and was trying over and over to get her to get some form of help. I even offered to pay it all and work even more overtime.
In the end the abuse and the resentment towards getting help or trying to improve in any way is what drove me away.
I hope she got the help she needs. I’m in a much better place now, so i’m thankful for that and my family who helped me thru my time of need.
Peace in your heart ……amen
I went through something really similar, you did great you know, it's really hard to date someone with bpd so don't judge yourself too much
Yea it’s all defence mechanisms right.. So if your depressed or somthing you are going to respond to their defence mechanism with your own defence mechanisms. Spiral to hell.
I have bpd and ptsd and I've been dating my girlfriend for 3 years now the biggest thing for me was finding someone who actually didn't just immediately give up on me because of my emotional tendencies she's been the best partner I've ever had
Thanks for sharing. As someone with BPD and PTSD, this gives me hope!
Same boat here. There is definitely hope. 🥰
This - people with BPD can be completely normal, healthy people. The BPD makes it hard for people to engage. If you stick with it, the relationship can absolutely be worth it. Thanks for the commenters who mentioned the lack of nuance in my statements.
@@alokkanojia-js4lg not to be rude, but by definition someone having BPD does not make them completely “healthy”. Like anyone else, people with BPD are complex, and with those complexities comes nuance. I’ve had a friend with BPD for 10 plus years now, and watching them struggle in the way they have is gut wrenching. They are an absolute sweetheart when times are good, and quite supportive when ever anyone needs a shoulder, but they are also self destructive. They can be volatile and it makes it hard to engage at times. I don’t think framing things the way you have gives a clear picture of the dynamics.
@@alokkanojia-js4lg The relationship could be worth it, it depends on the person, because every person with bpd is different
I really appreciate you giving BPD the benefit of the doubt ❤ My husband is a great example of that - we went years together without me knowing I have BPD, but he always stayed, and it's been worthwhile. I am now able to get the right treatment and still manage a relationship with him. I am incredibly grateful.
Holy crap dude I’m sobbing listening to this at work you just perfectly explained the past 5 years of my life. I think the girl I’m with has BPD. I’m in love with her and the past year she has been getting so much better but I’ve been terrified that it’ll just get worse again. You’ve given me so much hope. Thank you
Get out while you can. Or this will be your thought process:
Girlfriend stage: "I've gotta get out..."
After marriage: "I should've got out..."
After kids: "I could've got out!!!"
@@greenjelly01 Or, alternatively, just stay at the Girlfriend stage until girlfriend has been in a couple years of treatment for BPD and manages her symptoms successfully on a regular basis. Once the BPD is determined to be "managed," consider marriage. If girlfriend refuses to be evaluated or treated, don't bother hanging around.
You are in prison.
You’re a good person, best of luck. I hope I can be a good girlfriend to someone as kind as you someday.
I ended a 6-month relationship with a Girl I suspect now may have BPD.
You can manage it. The key is to remain like a rock. Don't react strongly to her emotional highs or emotional lows. You are objectively not the best thing that's happened in her life, and you are objectively not the worst thing that has happened in her life.
In my case, there was religiousness mixed in with the BPD. So it limited her willingness to pursue treatment, and increased the number of things that caused friction in the relationship. If you have good communication. You can get through this. Stay hard 💪🏿.
Set healthy boundaries. If you guys live together, consider living in your own spaces. An extra buffer could do wonders for your mental health and her mental health. If she has more time to develop a sense of self outside of the relationship, then she won't feel as abandoned by the prospect of breaking up.
I was freshly diagnosed with BPD when i started to date my current spouse.
I warned them right from the start and was transparent about my issues.
Safe to say I GOT BETTER - in 3 years due to therapy and my partner being a mental health super hero.
They put aside their ego and focused on understanding and communication.
I love my partner.
This makes me so happy! I'm so glad for both of you
so happy for you!
I’m happy to read a success story
How does this work on a Flat Earth?
Good for you
13:29 I want him to voice a ten-hour long romance thriller and become each character 😳✊
i was thinking about one of those dating games were all dialogs are bits of videos of drk acting situations
Collab opportunity TayZonday??? Let's gooooooooooooo
One of the characters needs to be a white guy culturally appropriating indian gurus who says stuff he read on cheap calenders to validate himself. "You need to like, align your chacras man"
😂 Yes please
you should do the voices with him!
Thank you for this. I have BPD and am currently in a relationship with someone who I am not afraid is going to leave. I know he loves me just as much as I love him. I have never felt that way before, and I believe it is because he is a very emotionally stable person with a lot of patience who understands my diagnosis and loves me despite my imperfections.
I just got out a 2-year relationship with my ex with BPD. Although I resonate with people with who suffer from this awful disorder. The longer I stayed, the worst the abuse got and the more my mental health would deteriorate. I did everything I could to help her, but in the end, the splitting and hypersensitivity was beyond this world. I truly wish her well though.
Wishing you peace, same with me and my ex with BPD
idk why but i think (its in my case) that nobody really can help someone with bpd or try atleast. i hate it. like i try to learn by myself and i only take help i really want like therapists and stuff and sometimes i get not wanted help or from people that cant understand me (because i know em long enough) than i get annoyed and angry too. i mean moodswitches are a thing but beeing aware of them and to learn how to slow them down or even stop them is nice to know but thats thing i can do and not someone else. like i can stop some stuff and correct it and try to learn better. but other can only say it. its like on me to change stuff i guess thats what my brain says sometimes
@@dgs_rinki69 thats literally how mental health treatment works. You work on yourself to get better and go into remission. Bruh
@@teratsukielizabeth543 BPD is slightly different in that it's truly beneficial to have a stable relationship. Not saying that it's totally someone else's responsibility but it apparently improves outcomes
@@CRSH3000 A stable relationship is perhaps necessary but not sufficient. The person with BPD needs to be willing to get the help they need.
I have a friend who has BPD and she is the sweetest person. That being said shes doiing her best to (as some said in the comments) “fix” as much as possible. But its a life long burden and I wish the best for her. She doesnt date people because shes aware of the issues. Often she marks herself as unlovable. She wouldnt want to be here if she read some of these comments. We as friends try to tell her that shes is lovable and support her as much as we can but sometimes she gets very sad. She no longer has a family so we try to be just that. I know she feels very strong emotions and I try to be with her when that happens. It makes me sad when people put every person with this issue into the “evil” category. Life isnt that simple. Also just because someone has this issue doesnt mean they arent trying to change it or they arent aware of it.
thank you for this comment ❤
Very kind words. Thank you.
You almost made me cry 😢❤ thank you for being so nice to her❤❤❤
thank you ❤
oh i’m sure this means so much to her you’re saving her life
I pretty much just cried the entire video. This is exactly what my ex was like, and it was really hard to hear all this and realize I could have done some things a lot better, despite that it also makes me feel better knowing that it wasn't just all in my head. Thanks, HealthyGamerGG, you've given me a lot to think about
Hey. It’s okay. Please be kind to yourself. You did what you could at the time with the coping skills you had at the time.
You're not alone, man. This whole video really messed me up. It's the first time in 10 years that I've felt like somebody understood the hell I've been through, and it sent me down an emotional rabbit hole. Every single thing he said in this video, despite his disclaimer that he's being hyperbolic, is a perfect description of what I've gone through. Every single thing...
I tried for years to get her into therapy (and I did myself) and when she finally did, her therapist had no way to see through the facade she put on. What I thought would be a good thing turned into another method for her to vindicate herself and her actions.
Years into it, with a new therapist and us being separated for over a year, she finally showed an interest in working on these things. But it didn't last, and she started accusing me of of being a narcissist, having bpd, etc. We're not even together, and I still feel like I'm imprisoned on a never ending Rollercoaster.
All I've ever wanted was to feel vindicated. To just feel like I'm not completely alone for the rest of my life with nobody understanding or caring about what things were really like. My therapist is amazing, but I don't think I've really gotten to that point with him.
Hearing this video really affected me and showed me exactly what I need and why I'm still so affected by this trauma.
I'm not saying any of this to make this about me. I just want to empathize with you and let you know how much I truly understand. You're not alone. I genuinely know how hard it is, and how deeply this video affected you. Don't feel alone, man. Despite how desperately you might feel you are alone, you're not.
My heart goes out to you. Please just keep working on yourself and try to find healthy ways to move on and resolve these things. It's 100% possible. It just takes time, effort, and serious self-reflection.
@@NautilusGuitars I hope you can show your therapist this video alongside most of what you just told us in this comment, like verbatim in an email or read out loud. Your therapist if he's worth anything would be so grateful for this insight into how you feel and what you've been through.
@@VioletEmerald Thank you so much for your comment and your encouragement. It's very sweet of you to take the time to read my comment and offer your thoughts.
I did consider doing just that, and reached out to him via email expressing that I might be sharing some thoughts, and that I'd prefer if he used some of our scheduled time to read them before we spoke.
I'm just a bit hesitant because we do speak about this past relationship a lot, and I've been expressing a desire to work on other things more. He is aware of a lot of my feelings and experiences with this, but I'm not sure if I've been able to fully express how deep it goes. I think I have trouble expressing those things fully, and realized after this video that I'm likely repressing a lot.
I'm going to take your thoughts into consideration here. I thought the same thing about sharing the video and my comment, but I was concerned that was too much.
Seriously, I can't tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time to leave such a thoughtful comment. It really means a lot, and it's probably exactly what I needed to make the best decision here. So thank you so much!
@@NautilusGuitars you are not alone either my friend. ❤ I don’t have it in me to explain but I’m with you and I HEAR you
Amazing. Nobody understands why I stay with my partener, I don't at times. He is all of those things, so am I a typical partener. So helpful... Thank you.
I was in a longer relationship with someone with BPD and can relate to a lot of this. For me the hardest part was seeing her struggle and engage in typical BPD behaviors while at the same time realizing what she is doing and being genuinely mortified and super sorry for the stress and hardship she transferred onto me. That made extremely hard to leave. I struggle with low self esteem and being there for her gave me purpose and made me feel needed even though it was harming me. It was this constant up and down between feeling like we were made for each other and me pulling back because it was too much. Sadly, I could not handle it, even after multiple longer breaks / breakups. I have cut all contact which I did not want, but felt I had to to not slip into a mental health crisis myself. I have learned so much from her and am deeply grateful for the time we shared. I do think both of us have grown because of our relationship. Whatever she is up to these days, I hope she is well.
Well, I have BPD since I was a little girl... I had anxiety and depression since I was a child and it was really hard... I had very abusive parents so they obviously blamed me for having depression and being the way I was, when they abused me so much that I delevoped BPD... But, I made a choice. When the pandemic began and I was trapped in my house with my abusive family, I hit rock bottom and told myself: "I'm no longer going to listen to anyone, I don't love myself and don't know who I am, this is going to be painful and hard, but I will do everything in my power to find the light". So I spent my pandemic days fighting an internal battle in a quest to find myself. I knew it would hurt, but I knew it was my only choice since I wanted to believe and fight with everything I had. I went to therapy, and I even had to move out of my house when I was 16 years old to live in a garage away from my family and keep myself safe. It's a very long story but...
I want to tell you something that may help you feel better...
I had an ex boyfriend, he was my first love. I didn't know that I had BPD and we were 13 years old back then, we were so young.
I would always do what was mentioned in the video but didn't know exactly why. Years later, we decided to stop talking to each other and go on with our lives...
But even though it was hard, he truly loved me. And I knew that even if I wasn't perfect (I genuinely hated myself for being that way but couldn't do anything about it cause I just didn't know how or what was happening in the first place so I hated myself more), he still loved me, listened to me and understood me.
Years later, when I started to heal, I started to get a sense of self, set boundaries (even if people abandoned me for it) and love myself. I filled that void and fear of abandonment with self love and a promise of me never abandoning myself and that being enough.
So, I healed and learned lots of things. And one day, I met a guy that I started to like, and we started dating. He was nice and everything seemed comfortable and nice. But from one day to another, he said "I think I don't love you, let's end this relationship"
And I said "what do you mean? just yesterday you were saying that you loved me very strongly"
He said "well that was a lie, I was just trying to see if it was true by trying to say it but it wasn't true, I don't love you and I never have" :v
So, I said.... "okay", then cried alone and moved on with my life.
Because now I knew that whatever he said, thought or did... Had nothing to do with who I was or with my value as a person, because I knew myself and loved myself.
I did very well, but I was obviously hurt and sad because I'm human... Even if I learned how to handle my thoughts and emotions, I was brutally hurt again. I wondered if someone out there would ever love me for who I truly was. But I remembered my ex boyfriend (my first love) and remembered that even if he chose to stay away, he always told me that he still loved me and he was always patient and understanding. And that, was a gift. It was not necessary for me to heal, but it made me feel better to know that even if we decided to go separate ways, I would always remember his good intentions and what we experienced together, even if it didn't work out.
What I want to tell you, is that sometimes when you love someone but they're not ready, you don't have to play their part for them. They can learn by themselves even if it's hard and you don't have to feel guilty about it because.... They are responsible for their own life like you are also responsible for your own life. We all have our own struggles but what is nice is that she will always feel and remember when someone cared. When she's sad, she will know that some time, somewhere, someone, did care. Even if you had to leave to protect your values and put yourself first.
And that's enough. You did what you could. I'm sure that deep down in her heart, aside from all her fears, she knows that. She feels it.
I feel like men can get a bit similar feeling of being “stuck” in an unhealthy or toxic or stagnant relationship with codependent women, they can’t exist without you and you feel a lot of sympathy for them since you do care about this person.
@@Me-oq1ld Thank you so much for sharing this journey of yours. It really means a lot. I am currently in a relationship with a girl I deeply love who has BPD. I am a highly sensitive and caring guy, she means a lot to me and after every fight we have I always approach it from a point of love and understanding. I wanted to ask you if you think it's possible for her to learn how to love herself and set boundaries while "inside" the relationship? Sometimes I feel that if I leave her it would be better for us both because she has to learn to love herself. I can't make her love herself but I always encourage her to, and it's sometimes draining. She always says she has a void inside of her and says if I leave her she would die without me. I am an engineer and have had a long-distance relationship with this girl with BPD for almost a year. She kind of knows it because she studied psychology but doesn't believe in western medicine. I never bring it up because it's not my place to diagnose her and I am not a doctor. It's been so hard. The age gap (we are almost 5 years apart) and the distance (she's in America and I am in Europe) and her BPD makes things so hard and we've been holding on for so long. We both really love each other and want to make it work. She already booked her ticket to spend the summer with me and we both believe we can manage this relationship but at the same time, she doesn't have self-love for herself. She does everything in the video Dr. K mentioned and I used to think it was manipulative and sabotaging but after the damage is done, she calls herself a monster and apologizes a lot and she recognizes her actions. Sorry for the long paragraph, to summarize is "Do you think she can learn self-love with me by her side or would it be better to break up?" I believe "love" means selflessness the last thing I want to do is let her go but if it helps us both I am willing to.
Do you ever wish you didn't give up? Your whole story sounds exactly like what my current boyfriend experienced with his ex. I always worry that he'll think he should have stayed with her and tried harder or something. My relationship with him is very stable and healthy but he also has low self-esteem and because I'm stable I don't need him to rescue me all the time. He loves helping people, and gains purpose from that, but it's not a dynamic we have. He often says I'm too good for him. But I honestly wonder if he isn't just bored because we have none of the emotional highs that come with abusive relationships lol.
@@SkyeAten Thats interesting. Im seeing someone now whos ex was BPD, he loves drama (though he claims not to) and claims to love a "damsel in distress" - well I can look after myself and Im feeling the same, that in comparison he must be bored being with me, confirmed when he told me that he had doubts when I was quiet on a date once (lol). My ex was also BPD but Im a very laid back, patient, artistic sort of person whereas the new guys definitely some kind of NPD so, in my case he probably IS bored at times, in yours Id ask yourself if its not YOU whose bored tbh, you may be projecting. You might also wanna tell him if he says youre too good for him TOO often you might start to believe it :D
Damn this disorder to hell. I was with someone with BPD and undiagnosed autism for a little over a year. I just couldn’t do it anymore. Anytime I needed to get off the phone, and go to sleep, it was a problem. I stuck it out for as long as I could, but I lost my sense of self, and who I was. I do believe she loved me a lot, but my health was suffering so much as a result of this relationship. I wish her well, love and light. I just want her to be happy. Damn this disease.
you did the right thing! If you stay, you will end up very empty. Ask how I know LOL.
THIS!!!
Oh God the sleep. Yep sleep deprived to torture levels for over a year. Never again. He'd literally shake me awake to entertain him
“Lost my sense of self, and who I was.”
Yep.
Lucky you, you can simply walk away.
As someone who used to have BPD, you're spot on. I got into a stable relationship with my boyfriend who encourages self improvement etc and I am in "remission" (no longer fit the diagnosis criteria).
How did you manage to turn it around? Or did your partner play a part in giving you extra security?
Please share how you found stability.
@@alouise3557 I'm not the person that you asked but as someone who has succesfully healed from it's mental conditions including BPD the most important thing about all of this is awareness. Whenever you feel out of place for whatever reason just go for a walk or sit down with your emotions and ask yourself why you feel that way, what triggered it and so on untill you start developing a natural sense of awareness and discovering more about yourself untill there are no more blindspots or knots to untie, it is stressfull and could lead to nasty side effects like panic attacs when you are searching deep within yourself but without that info you'll never have a clear picture of what you are dealing with and most likely will never fully heal, so don't attack the symptom but rather figure out why you have that symptom in the first place and eventually "attack" the root cause. Also having something healthy to hyperfixate in was super helpfull, i kinda become addicted to physical training and fitness in general so i was having a blast while regulating my sleep schedule, diet and exposing both my nervous system and gut bacteria to adapt to healthy stimulus which only helped to accelerate my recovery. In the end it took me 4 years of hardships and letting go a lot of stuff and people, specially people, but i went from borderline mental hospitalization to just having a little low self esteem and i have to atribute that to the full understanding of myself in n out, physically, meantlaly and spiritually
@@ZendviousI am so proud of you!!🎉❤
@@Zendviouswhat a story! You rock.
To the question above - I would say if you don't have any stability at all, you should get professional help. My wife asked her doctor to get hospitalized because things got that bad. She says it was the best decision possible. It didn't solve her problems. But it was a start. After getting out of hospital, she was under doctors supervision, in therapy. That was a basic safety net of stability. She met me. Thanks to couple therapy and her psychiatrist, we managed to keep and grow our relationship. Meaning more stability. She was making some progress. She was able to build bridges with her family. More stability. She was able to return to hobbies. More stability. She returned to work. More stability. We got married. More stability. My family finally accepted her and now actually really loves her and she loves them. More stability. And now she is highly functioning, without any issues. She just asked for help her doctor and then commited to do the insanely hard work. But it is more then possible.
I have Quiet BPD, and I absolutely love this video!
The accuracy of this is hilarious 😂 It helps me not take my illness as a doom sentence. I have my bad days, and I'm so grateful for how far I have come 🙏🏻 Thank you for recognizing it for what it is and acknowledging we are human beings who deserve love and treatment.
oh wow, this sounds exactly like all my relationships. I have BPD and everything this man talks about has been manifested in my relationship. the extreme emotions, the subconscious shit tests, the abandonment issues, the neurotic obsessive need to be told what you want to hear despite emotionally abusing the other person first, etc. Its good to know that there are changes I can make to regulate my emotions. It's nice to know that this isn't just my problem ,but a disease I have.
An absolute mind f my BPD ex and brother are 🤮 is what I describe my past relationships with them
And you can take steps to improve all of these for a more filling future with love.
@@sirrantsalottthat's rude to say to a person with bpd
@@sirrantsalott yea rude
This video made me cry. Hearing someone say don’t run because of the BPD is so foreign to me. Thank you for bringing clarification to the most important aspects of dating someone with BPD. And explaining our side, the people with BPD, to others who don’t have it. When I explain how much I suffer, it’s always viewed as a competition for who’s got it worse in life, when in reality that’s not it at all. I’m just trying to get them to understand my pain.
I'm sorry to hear that. Do you feel like you are better equipped to manage a relationship now that you have seen this video?
I feel empowered to better manage relationships now. I think I may have dated a woman with BPD before, and I wish I knew this stuff before jumping into that rollercoaster of a relationship. I have self-esteem issues as Dr. K mentioned in his example of people that love to be idolized. I would have remained more stoic, but caring in the relationship if I had known what I was dealing with. I also would probably have not moved in with her to allow her more space to develop emotionally. For her to develop a stronger sense of self while knowing that someone from a distance was watching and ready to help.
Hindsight is 20/20, though. I know how to be more empathetic towards BPD sufferers without playing with their emotions now.
I hope this video empowers BPD sufferers just as much as it does their friends and significant others.
Don't believe this video. They DO NOT GET BETTER. This guy needs to cite and specify what statistics he's relying on.
I just got diagnosed with BPD (something I've suspected for a long time) and came here to kinda of learn more but also to process it all. All of this is pretty spot on. I was bothered by the repeated suggestion of "emotional manipulation" but I appreciate that you did clarify at one point that that perceived "emotional manipulation" is not intentional on our part at all. I hate the negative impact I can have on others and I am actively working on myself.
Well, some psychopaths also commit unintentional manipulation, it does not grant automatic pardon.
Good on you, I hope you have good things in your life for years to come. It’ll be okay.
@@greateagle8799 Thank you.
How does a person get diagnosed?
@@allisonb.8492 You have to see a psychiatrist for that.
I told my girlfriend about my suspicions on having BPD a couple months ago. I was overthinking a lot today so I used the techniques she gave me to help and they are helping. Slowly as I watched through this video, I started to realize she always does all of these things. I never even knew, but this whole time she has been doing her best to help me stay stable. I love her.
11:11 I think it's important to note that you don't have to put up with the toxicity. You don't have to tolerate manipulation - because it's wrong behaviour. You can have compassion and love for someone and still stand up for not being subject to terrible things.
A video on quiet BPD would be really helpful. That's what my girlfriend and I have, and it presents itself very differently on the surface. It's almost like BPD that's suppressed by anxiety (coming back to the fear of abandonment). But this BPD is sooo much more confusing, because outwardly, we look completely stable, but on the inside the storm of emotions is overwhelming. This causes us to bottle up these already intense feelings, and when the cork comes loose is like new years champagne. There's more to it, but it feels notably different than what was described in this video.
How so?
Certainly seems interesting. I'd imagine bpd that isn't quite is much more expressive, making it potentially harder to deal with but also quicker to fix, while quiet bpd is almost harder on the person suffering, because it's more of an internal disintegration, and may be easier in terms of willingness to get into treatment, but take longer to fix. This is not backed up by research at all, so tell me if there's accuracy here or not. Also, I wish you tell well, and hope things work out for you
@@calimorales9880 I would say that's a pretty good assessment. We have both been concious of our BPD symptoms, even when unaware of this diagnosis. This added a lot of insecurity growing up, that our symptoms would cause us to be abandoned. There's this constant exhausting, panic attack like internal struggle to desperately fight back against the BPD. However, it's out of our control, so we put on a very convincing masks and sink into ourselves to avoid any BPD leaking out and potentially ruining our relationships/opportunities. As a side note, we were both raised by narcissists.
I agree, I'd be super interested in a video on quiet BPD! That's what I have, too. The masking can get so intense that my therapist of 2 years told me she completely forgot multiple times how symptomatic I can be and how bad my lived experience was...even though I'd describe it with words every session. I was also raised by a narcissist!
i have/had quiet BPD. In my experience you have to bring that turbulence OUT before it can be fixed at all. quiet BPD is more functional but actually allot further from recovery in my opinion. you have to reconnect to emotions first and that process is very very very difficult. i for example literally was incapable of anger for YEARS, now I get bursts of rage that I can handle or blow off in some other way. but this could look like regression but it wasn't I was completely NUMB for years and years and years and feeling anything was a step forward. but not at all easy.
Your explanation of BPD relationships is so accurate that its frightening. There are many struggles to a BPD relationship and for me it was a confusing time but i just rode the wave of emotions until i just couldnt anymore. It took a while for me to truly process everything from an objective stand point after cutting all ties and i still feel theres a lot left to process as I dont fully know myself, after more than 6 months i still have "what if" moments and miss how loved she made me feel but yet i push through. As someone who stuggles with low self confidence sometimes, her validation took me to the moon on a daily basis and i loved every second of it. Even though she warned me about all the struggles of dating someone with BPD, I truly felt as if it was nothing we couldnt handle together. And even though our story didnt end that way, I dont want to be bitter about it. I would like to believe that she really did love and care for me as i do for her. And although mistakes were made and things didnt work out, Im truly thankful for the positive experiences we shared and really do hope that shes doing well and healing.
She did care for you, just not as much as she hated herself....
I can assure you that everything that she told you (the positives) were true and she thought like that. The negatives were not entirely true. There were products of her paranoid thoughts and emotions. But maybe you hit certain buttons there to trigger them. I guess it all depends on compatibility to a big degree.
As someone who suffers from BPD, I'd say you've hit the nail on the head.
First time I ever heard the diagnosis, I was 20 years old, in the process of being pretty much medically discharged due to my mental illness. Didn't really do any kind of research until my early 30s. In that decade, allot of new information has come. My overall opinionated conclusion of the original diagnosis hasn't changed. Knowing what I do know from doctors like yourself sharing this information, I have a much easier time identifying when the triggers get activated, but still struggle to cope with a few. When calm, I'm able to tell myself that my feelings of abandonment exist, and therefore address and put them at ease. My one struggle that still seems impossible at times are the anger flashes. Pot has shown to be very successful over years of self research.
My boyfriend and I use a statement to help me when we are in a rut that i absolutely love to use for myself with him when he triggers me which is "i dont have to like you but I will always love you." And its just a nice reminder that both can exist at the same time. So when i get mad and he tells me he still loves me i tell him "i Don t like you right now. But I still love you"
I have BPD, & i appreciate the fact that you clearly put a lot of compassion & consideration into shedding a better light on the disorder. I especially appreciated the thoughtfulness at the end. BPD is not easy to live with, & the worst part of having BPD is the fear that i won't ever find a partner who is stable & patient enough to be willing to stick it out with me & who won't just view me as a lost cause at the 1st sign of struggle 😣
First sign? Thats in your brain. Normally partners of bpd are willing to stay incredible long in the relationship (bc the idealizations) as mentioned in the video.
@TheMurphy Just don't fall in love. Getting angry is actually a good thing as it shows you if your boundaries are getting crossed. If you fall in love you are fucked as it undermines you're ability to not give in in the emotional pressure. BPD is more dangerous the more it fulfills aspects that are chronicly low in modern life: "real campanionship (in the idealization), high emotionality", these are kinda the commodities that seem to make it worth it, but also the trap that lets you give in (internally) in the abuse.
If the bpd person shifts the focus to another person and starts to idealize again while completely forgetting everything from the previous relationship you see the behaviour is in a way nothing but just psychological reaction by them and in a sense not real.
As said by dr k. its good to destigmatize BPD and explore the conditions of it getting better BUT it can be actually dangerous for the partner and I feel like that Dr. K didn't really emphasized that enough.
I have BPD and was fortunate to marry the girl I met at age 15. I didn’t realize until much later in life that our fights were really just my episodes. Now that I’m older I see that I still have a lot of these patterns in friendships outside of our marriage so I’m back to work on that🔥
I wish you so much luck and love 🍀 ❤️
What. Our fights are just my episodes. I've heard those exact words from my wife for over a decade. I just got it. I thought she was a narcissist for shifting all the blame on me 😭. I just got it. She was right. I'm a dumbass. I messed everything up. But the thing is, I kept trying to change without knowing what to work on, until now, and I've already done the final discard. I love her too much to ever let her back into my life again. I just wish I'd known this 10-20 years ago.
@@madebyhan you can do this, there is hope even if you don't see it - keep taking action!
I have BPD, (treated) and this was compassionate, truthful and accurate af. Thankyou for not making us all sound like insane s** addicts that camp in bushes or some rubbish. Thankyou for remembering we are human beings.
I'm happy I'm in a stable relationship with someone with BPD. We both value balance and self sufficiency. We're not together to fix each other, we fix ourselves and we can help/support each other. I'm lucky he's not only a wonderful person, but he treats me well. Your advice is reassuring because I do all this things for my own sake already for my own cptsd and I'm glad it happens to help him.
Glad to see this. I have a feeling I might have had an undiagnosed bpd partner before and it was hell. Recently I think I'm heading into the start of my first relationship since then with a girl who told me she has a bpd diagnosis. I found this a little terrifying. But she is actually one of the most emotionally mature people I've been with and is very independent so far. She's very kind and doesn't make all her problems mine. I'm worried it will get more complicated but I'm surprised to see how well she handles this and Im feeling positive.
@@SquierMarr I feel similarly! I've finally met someone at my level emotionally. Hoping the best for both of our relationships! ☺
There's no such thing as a "stable relationship" with a Borderline. You're just biding your time until their illness explodes.
@@VIDS2013 Maybe you missed my point and Dr. K's point. You can be in a good relationship with someone with borderline. I'm not saying everything will always be perfect, that's unrealistic for anyone. By your standard, I'll never have a "stable" relationship either due to my disability. But I'm in a healthy one. I'm not speaking for anyone else's partners with bpd or invalidating anyone's experience. Will our conditions affect each other? Absolutely, but that applies to all couples neurotypical or not, illnesses or not. What matters is accountability and how you handle your own problems and how you handle things together. My life is already on a harder difficulty, if anything he makes it easier. And if I make things better for him by doing things I normally do, even better.
@@TheJulietxo I'd say you entirely missed my point. Relationships are difficult enough in the absence of malignant mental illness. With BPD, the relationship is doomed before it starts. (Though the scenario is probably worse if the woman has BPD.)
Months ago when this video was uploaded I just watched it like any other video from Dr K. Unaware of the impact that was going to follow.
Halfway through the video when Dr K. Starts talking about the relationship dynamic I recognised everything.
I send the video to my boyfriend with the timestamp around the middle. He saw the title of the link and said: "You don't have borderline" and I said "just go watch it"
A deafening silence fell between us while he contemplated about breaking up because he thought that this would never go over (because he had not seen the beginning of the video).
From the moment that I saw this video I finally had grip on what apparently has been bpd. The times that I stepped into relationships and my feelings becoming a whirlwind finally had an explanation and I could start working on it.
I did everything within my power to stop putting the emotional rollercoaster on my boyfriend (which was mostly long walks) I stopped crying for attention when I felt anxious and reminded myself that I was still loved.
Still he and I broke up, simply because we were not a good fit and he had his own struggles.
But damn am I thankful for the insight that this video has given me.
Thank you, I'm going to start working on my situation.
A stabilizing relationship with my securely attached husband, DBT, building strong therapeutic relationships, and trauma work helped me so much. I'm really grateful for the people who support and help me work through the challenges. It's still hard and I have plenty of other challenges, but I don't hate myself or feel hopeless anymore which I never thought was possible. My life is so different now.
🎉 😊❤
Glad you had help and people who stood by you. People shouldn’t abandon people who need help. We all need help at some point. And you’re proof that a stable relationship is exactly part of the solution. I feel like people who are most critical and unforgiving of BPD, and I mean being incapable of having any compassion, are the ones with mental problems of their own. A stable person knows their boundaries and knows compassion, like your husband probably did.
how did you get with him prior to fixing that, or were you with him after already being mostly stable?
I have BPD and these comments make me feel like I dont deserve love
After listening to this and the other video I'm pretty sure I have it, which is pretty shocking to me but explains A LOT. He said 75% of BPD sufferers are women but I think we're just not looking for it in men because men are forced to hide the emotions that illustrate the behaviors associated with diagnosis. So unless you're dating a psychologist, it's unlikely you'll ever know you have the symptoms.
Everybody deserves love. The comments are talking about when the behavior becomes abusive. Don't read too much into it
There is always a range of opinions and some will be insensitive or wrong even. You deserve love. 💯
You are not your illness. You are not a discard.
Get good noob.
I just urge anyone who’s suffered with a BPD partner understand they don’t want to hurt you. It is one of the toughest mental illnesses and it’s not easily fixed. The people with BPD are truely suffering and haunted by it
But where do you get the mental energy from to generate all this patience when you have your own problems and struggles? Really feels like an unbalanced relationship where one person has to be the 'rock' for the other.
@@Kinhussar no one cares about the emotional abused partner . You dating someone who emotional cognitive level is child like
I understand and having had dealt with it, this is not an excuse. Yes you can love a person dearly and then torture them, ok is then this torture justified? Get your shit together first and maybe ask for compassion and understanding later.
ppl in these replies are acting like this person is excusing the abusive behavior... that is not at all what they are saying
@@Oi-mj6dv sure, except you can't get your shit together without compassion and understanding. Its like being in a 10 foot hole and someone takes away the ladder because you're in the hole and you'll get the ladder once you exit the hole. Whats the use of retrospective compassion? Telling a story about how you used to be emotionally disregulated but then got treatment? Most people don't even get treatment until they experience compassion and are urged to get treatment out of said compassion, because nobody WANTS to feel all their emotions magnified 24/7
THE PART ABOUT THEM REGULATING YOUR EMOTIONS ???? im so shook at how much i relate to this, it honestly brings me a sense of relief knowing that im not alone. im not diagnosed but im 99% sure this is what is going on in my head.
I’ve lived this life with a BPD gf… it was magnetic but completely unstable. I ended up an emotional punchbag and every feeling or thought she had, she’d believe. It was insane. Eventually I got dumped in the most horrible way after her father died, she completely turned on me and even said I didn’t care, despite trying to be there for her, she just pushed me away n jumped on a fresh bloke straight away. I was treated either like God or the Devil there was no inbetween
YASSSSSS. Totally feel the same!!!!
Separation individuation. Her fathers death would of 100% triggered this area. A new bloke offers that fresh start, and new fantasy with a fresh supply. Ultimately a new life, short term new identity, and feeling that she completely separated from her past. She will likely come back with a sob story at some point once this supply has grown stale.
Remember borderline means borderline psychopathic and neurotic . They simply don’t see reality for what it is
Prayers to you, she'll probably try to reconnect later in life to degrade and discard you again.
@@heythere6983no it doesn't. well it did but that's an old definition that isn't used anymore. and it's psychotic and neurotic, not psychopathic
some people with bpd don't have psychotic symptoms, and are very much able to see reality as it is
I needed this 5 years ago I felt the most mentally and physically abused I’ve ever been in my life through that relationship. Thank you Dr
My last relationship was with someone who my theripist identified as potentially having BPD. I dealt with a lot of the stuff mentioned in the video. Especially all of the praise. She would constantly tell me that I was perfect, and to be honest, it bothered me. I would reply and say that I am not perfect and she would push it even more. And I was perfect until one day I wasn't perfect. Then I was the worst.
@@pizzaface898 I hope you're able to fine resolve. I wish you all the best in your situation.
@@pizzaface898 it's only a matter of time before you are discarded
As a 38 yr old woman suffering with BPD I’d like to take this time to apologize to all of you guys for being put thru such an extreme roller coaster ride of emotions, we now understand what you went thru. On behalf of all of us who suffer with this extremely draining disorder, although the video mentioned ,I’d still just like to remind you that from the depths of our soul we do not at all mean any of the nasty hurtful things we have said or have done but rather they are just our own twisted way of attempting to protect ourselves from our very fear, not realizing that in most cases it was the very thing that has caused exactly that very fear to happen. It breaks my heart to realize just how disturbingly real our fear of abandonment actually is and all the highly desperate/sad/inappropriate behaviors that come with this unfortunate condition. For the ones who were not able to take much more and ended up leaving someone with BPD in order to protect their own sanity, really learning about this disorder I’m sure it’s safe to now say “we“ do not blame you. And to those who were able to endure despite the risks and still see us with compassionate understanding knowing we are still only human deserving also of love, Thank you we appreciate you. From the bottom of our hearts we’re truly Sorry for all the hurtful things we’ve ever said or have done ❤️🙏😔🥹 thanks for all the support.
Perfect until not perfect yes you become the worst or actually an enemy like situation. Going through it now.
@@michellewhitney6841 I wish you all the best in your situation
My experience of dating someone with BPD involved the threat of suicide as a very core piece of the equation. You touched on it, but I do wonder if that’s worth emphasizing, or if that was fairly unique to my experience. One of the hardest parts about leaving my ex was being terrified she’d kill herself the second I walked out the door. She’d stated she would, but she said a lot of things. Being terrified of her dying kept me with her for over a year after I knew it needed to end.
Correct. His description of Bpd behavior is very very toned down. They’ll say the most horrific stuff to you. Not convinced they get better at the rate claimed.
@@Fleury4 yeah, that was my opinion as well. It didn’t come across just how horribly traumatizing the lows can be. It’s been years since I dated her, and I still done feel ready to date again. Dating somebody with BPD can seriously mess you up.
Yeah nobody should feel obligated to hold that type of emotion space for someone who needs professional help. Been there and it helped me realize I don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with any of it. After all I deserve an amazing supportive and stable partner.
@@Fleury4 psychiatrists often do not and have not suffered from the conditions they treat nor have they taken the medications they prescribed. I doubt he’s ever dated someone with BPD.
I feel you. About 7 years ago, I dated a girl with BPD for just a few months and it really messed me up. Threatening me with suicide was really a weekly basic ritual, as well as listening about how she cut herself. I was also constantly competing with other mans she was talking with A LOT. I think these few months of relationship and years of blunting emotions have led me to depression which I am now treating. This really sucks.
This is such a realistic, compassionate and measured video. Thank you. I was suspected to have BPD for quite some time - turns out it's "just" autism and going undiagnosed until my 30s took a toll on mental health.
I am very sensitive to rejection, but establishing a few core rules has really helped in my relationships with my nearest and dearest. One is: Asking instead of assuming. When I'm already anxious, everything feels like rejection, but by now I know that well enough to just... ask. "Everything feels off today and I can't tell if it's in my head or if you're acting differently towards me, can you help?" Erm, side note, do not try this when you're a pwBPD in an unhealthy relationship. But with friends/partners who can be trusted, it has worked really well. I had to work on my wording quite a bit since there are many ways to ask "Why are you acting differently", but a big step was assuming responsibility and acknowledging that my perception of things isn't necessarily based on fact.
I would also like to add something regarding being a chamaeleon with hobbies and interests. That is not a deliberate manipulation tactic. If the person I'm focussing on is into something, I am into that thing and I can't tell if it's because of them or because it's genuinely one of my interests now. The interest isn't fake, I'm not secretly thinking "Oh my god I wish they would shut up about this", it's genuinely the best thing since sliced bread. So many behaviours get labelled as manipulative and fake, which can be so frustrating when they feel very much real and genuine.
That last line hit hard. A couple days ago I broke up with my then-bf after he called me a f*cking r3tard, a bad mom, and said I need to grow up. (My crime? Being less-than-patient with my 9 year old regarding an on-going issue that started a couple months before he entered our lives.) I cried a lot after he left and wondered if I am a bad mom, if my daughter would be better off without me, wondered if I actually bring joy or anything good to anyone's life or if they would be better off without me, would anyone even miss me, considered making a couple calls to ensure my daughter would have someone to raise her and then to arrange to Game Over myself. When he texted the following day, I made the mistake of being honest about what I'd considered after he left. He accused me of being emotionally and mentally manipulative and of having a victim mentality. I saw, as I'd seen so many times before, that he was already dead-set on his opinion, so I said "Whatever you want to think." Then blocked him.
Why is it there's all this stuff about awareness/prevention and encouraging people to "just reach out" and so forth, but when we open up like "I considered This after what you said before you left yesterday." It's manipulative and playing the victim? No, what he said really hurt and sent me spiraling.
Thank you so much for tackling the stigma against BPD, as a man who was diagnosed recently I never expected this level of hatred and misinformation until I started doing research. There are so many people who had one bad experience with a partner who will go online and "warn" others to stay away from people with BPD, its pretty gross and I'm glad someone with a platform is speaking up and trying to put people in our shoes. Treatment does work and the less stigma there is the more people are going to seek help.
Was with someone with BPD who wouldn't get help and it was the worst 3 years of my life - full of verbal, emotional, physical abuse as well as cheating. Not everyone with BPD is like this but it's really hard for me not to project my past relationship trauma onto anyone else with a PD and steer as clear as possible.
True. Lifes already hard enough without having to deal with other ppls problems.
I agree with you, been there, 4 years, i didnt know, it makes sense now.
Yeah, I feel you. My relationship only lasted 1.5 years but it was still all over the place. They got diagnosed recently and it al makes sense now.
Same here. He blamed me for everything and didn't feel remorse for the things he had done to me. I already had a low self-esteem when we got together, but after those 3 years he completely broke me. It's been 2 and a half years since our break up and I'm finally getting better with the help of therapy. But it will take a long time until I'm ready again to go into another relationship.
If they refuse to get help then it's probably not gonna end well.
I've never been diagnosed but I strongly relate to the struggles that people with BPD describe. Learning to stay neutral and not feed into the extreme highs and lows has been one of the most important things I've ever learned.
I dated a girl with BPD on and off for three years. I had some of the best times of my life with her, but the negatives severely outweighed the positives. She was manipulative, constantly gaslighting, verbally abusive, and cheated on me constantly with various men. It was the worst relationship I’ve ever had.
No matter what boundaries I set, her unwillingness to compromise and change her toxic behavior was some of the most emotionally damaging things that’s ever happened to me. For anyone reading this, if you have the patience to experience toxic behavior and extreme mood swings then I would still suggest knowing your worth and setting your boundaries early so that your partner with BPD understands your feelings are valid too. But if there’s no willingness or commitment from your partner to do so then it’s not worth your time and well-being. Move on to doing high value things for yourself or find a partner who also sees and understands your value.
My exact experience. Wish I could have read this 6 years ago.
That sounds like my 6-month relationship. I mean you can set as many healthy boundaries as you'd like, but they choose to follow them or not at the end of the day. I found out during the breakup that she was never willing or committed to us in the first place.
The thing they don’t talk about, when there’s so many negative interactions and toxicity, dysfunction it makes those super rare good highs extremely more sweet, and then when they treat you terribly thinking you’re gonna abandon them some point in the future and they can’t trust you, so because they begin treating you badly and you begin to withdraw they completely abandon you first in fear you’ll do it to them when you just don’t want to be abused or taken advantages of. Then they come back acting like NOTHING happened at all.
Also, the reason women are and have always been allowed to emotionally abuse their men while it’s evil & taboo for men to physically abuse their women is due to it being seen as societally impossible. Men aren’t able to be abused since that would mean weakness or being human beings, it would be acknowledging mens emotions matter on a societal level which breaks the status quo.
I just have to say that not everyone with BPD is like this.
I have BPD and I went to go get therapy because I didn't want to lose the relationship that I had. When I got a diagnosis of BPD, medication, and therapy, everything started to make sense as to why I was acting the way that I was and I became VERY self aware to the point that I could communicate to my husband if I was about to have a mood swing.
Not everyone with BPD is like this and they're not automatically toxic. However, if you're about to date with someone with BPD and they aren't getting help or refuse to get help then run far away from them. Just because someone has BPD does not automatically make them a monster, but undiagnosed and untreated BPD is monstrous.
The sense of humor is the most helpful aspect of suddenly realizing why i behave the way i do, it takes away the stigma in my own head bc learning this about myself feels like the end of the world
❤❤
I have BPD and this video was a really perfect description, the hyperbolic examples you gave were accurate. I was really confused and ashamed in my first few relationships, but knowing about BPD and understanding it is half of the battle. I'm staying single and I've been improving a lot since noticing when I split and learning emotional regulation techniques instead of needing to rely on a partner.
Excellent video! I recently had a relationship with a woman with BPD, and you nailed most aspects of it. I have one suggestion - when talking about them getting better in a year, please add "with proper treatment".
A lot of people with BPD will watch videos about it but not actually get treatment, and without treatment and learning about insight etc, they will likely not progress.
Thank you.
I have to tell this story after hearing you say that people, such as myself, with BPD do actually get better-
I was in a behavioral medicine unit a few years back and I overheard a nurse venting to a coworker after a rough shift. He said something to the effect of he absolutely hates working with BPD patients because at least his other patients get better and don't keep coming back.
The conversation actually went on much further and he started to say in graphic detail how he wished we would just kill ourselves and stop coming back. Needless to say it was awful. I reported him that day and then promptly went into a downward depressive spiral.
But point being that even among people working with people who have BPD there is still an amount of stigma and fear surrounding us. While I am far from finding my light at the end of the tunnel, I know I will get well- or let's say better ❤
Not nice of that nurse. There are some good and some that it’s too much for. Good luck in your journey.
You will, Jen. You do need the right person though. I'm actually quite impressed how people with BPD find the strength for new relationship considering how typically bad their previous ones were.
From my experience, you are a perfect match for thousands of people. Because what you clearly consider a drawback may be the most desired feature they need.
Say, being hyperemotinal is a blessing when you did not experience emotions with you ex for years. Same is true for other things.
Getting just a little bit better each time really adds up after a while
I think you shouldn't take this seriously but more like an outburst from an overworked tired insensitive nurse. She would never say that to your face because her job is still to care about them.
@@GlebKlimshinlies
I have insecure attachment and have dated several women with BPD. It's been really traumatic, even though I think I've learned a lot about myself in the process. I'm trying to be better about leaving people when they aren't healthy and not getting sucked into the cycle he described in the video. So spot on BTW! They make me feel so sexy and amazing and it fuels my ego just enough to keep me around despite all their terrible behavior. With some better self understanding, self love, and self confidence, we can overcome the need for toxic relationships and find healthy people to be with. I wish them the best, but I wouldn't wish a BPD relationship on anyone. And if they really need a relationship to stabilize, that is just too much of a burden to ask another person to bear. I hope people with BPD get the help they need without dragging someone through a few traumatic years. Good luck everyone!
several? how come you didn't learn the lesson yet?
@@mranon42023 it’s a learning process, you can make the same mistake more than once.
Apparently because of the insecure attachment @@mranon42023
I dated a girl with BPD for 4 years and the kindest advice I could give myself when I was considering dating her is to avoid the whole thing. I have extensive childhood trauma and being with her was still one of the worst things that has happened to me.
I am happy to know that people can have success in relationships with BPD, but I would ask anyone who has their own mental health issues to get to very stable place before commiting to a relationship like this.
Well said.
NOBODY can have a successful relationship with a Borderline.
You are not alone, brother.
Yeah, I was married to someone with BPD for close to 5 years. Most traumatic experience of my life. I feel bad, but damn I just can't go through that again. There's someone I know who I had always had a bit of a casual crush on, After I got divorced we hooked up a few times, generally both enjoyed each others company, but then she told me she had BPD and I knew I couldn't try a relationship with her. Also sucks because for some reason I'm a BPD magnet, I always meet people, hit it off, then find out they have BPD and have to make sure I'm not sending any signals that I want to be in a relationship with them.
As someone with BPD, I'm sorry you met one of the worst cases. All my relationships ended because I dated narcissists (or just generally insecure people) who cheated on me or didn't value my time, and I left. The best of us try our damndest to keep that trauma regulated and communicate well so we can avoid blow ups. I was constantly apologizing and being told they didn't even know why I was saying sorry (one of my exes would even get mad at me for apologizing so much, like actually start a fight angry). We're not all assholes, I swear 😂 But you do have to talk talk talk it out until things settle, and if you or they can't do that, you're doomed.
I know it's not meant for diagnosing someone, but the first 8 minutes sounds exactly like my life. I can wake up, read some bad news or something that worries me from a friend and I feel physically ill the whole day. I hate it, because I think "goddammit, my day is already ruined!". Recently a friend who I dated got back with her ex (who's long distance) and I thought "I clearly wasn't good enough", "I'm ugly", "I'm a bad partner and I made her realize that her ex was better" and "she's going to forget about me and move in with her girlfriend". I had such a massive panic attack that the only thing that helped was hide under my bed with a blanket. I have never felt so bad before and I had a headache for 2 days because I was so physically exchausted.
Sounds like you have a very loud inner critic that needs quieting.
I would love to see a video about BPD parents. I suspect my mother has BPD, and it was nothing but traumatizing. I have all the symptoms of C-PTSD. Everything was made to be so intense and she escalated soooo quickly, it's so effing damaging to children.
She was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive. Zero self awareness, doesn't take any responsibility over her actions, doesn't want to go to therapy. All I can do is limit contact because I can't deal with this anymore.
Yes, this is definitely my story and a topic worthy of covering too.
I wonder if the statistics on BPD remission are flawed or just wrong then. Because I’m sure there are many stories like yours, and to think this is so prevalent, to have persistent BPD for even decades, it’s hard to say that’s just part of the 1% who are not in remission after 15 years past diagnosis.
Honestly sounds more narcissistic
@@Liberate269 All of these people do not usually get diagnosed by officials and included in the statistics. I think the statistics are about people diagnosed with BPD and working on treatment actively. Everyone else... not really such a hopeful story.
My mom would never have been diagnosed, except she had a mandated psychiatric evaluation during a custody battle which semi-diagnosed her officially with a myriad of things (alcohol abuse, what they called dysthymia at the time but is now called persistent depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, a global functioning level of 50, and "A personality disorder not otherwise specified" (look that up on wikipedia, it's a real thing), with Borderline, Dependent, Histrionic, and Obsessive-Compulsive traits (4 types of personality disorders). Prior to that in the same custody battle (when I was 17 years old in 2007), a social worker had recommended my dad and my grandmother read a book on Borderline Personality Disorder and already thought that seemed closest to our family dynamic.
Importantly, that psychiatric evaluation (or social worker's assessment) wasn't included in a study on BPD and remission rates, and no one ever followed up with her 5 or 10 or 15 years later to see how she was doing. She's not the kind of person with BPD they were studying.
Later, when I was 31 years old and went to a Psychiatrist myself, and I talked about my mom, he realized she sounded like a narcissist. He recommended Dr. Ramani's TH-cam channel where I discovered she's a textbook Covert Narcissist COMBINED with BPD explosive rage.
My current therapist seemed for a while to be convinced the 3 hour rages I described her having in my teenage years were indicative of Bipolar Disorder but she's not an expert in diagnosis. She's a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC). I feel confident BPD is closer than bipolar for how my mom was. This wasn't mania. this was extreme emotional dysregulation and alcoholism.
You might say my mom clearly isn't really a fair case, because she had way more going on than BPD. But there are a LOT of people out there with this kind of messy story instead of a clean and easy to study in research one.
@@Liberate269 Optimistically, I think it's treatable if the person is willing to work on themselves, to take responsibility for hurting others, to want to change and to try and to seek therapy and treatment. It still takes YEARS to have major improvements, and when I dated someone with quiet BPD they had been trying to seek treatment for over a decade but no one had even successfully diagnosed them with BPD until about 14 years after their first suicide attempt. Actually, I think they SELF-DIAGNOSED at that point, and then the mental health professionals agreed only after they realized the patient was right. My partner at the time thought DBT was amazingly helpful but struggled so severely in the meantime. It was too much for me to bear despite trying SO hard for an entire year.
Sometimes it's really tough to find the silver lining but this is the most positive intro to a video about this condition as I have seen. For that I really appreciate it. Thank you doctor
Dated someone with bpd, I'm writing this before watching so I can update afterwards. My experience going in is that I was constantly walking on eggshells, looking for any indication of what i was to expect at a given time, try to unpack what occurred that illicited the change and was considered antagonistic for it. As someone with anxiety and depression, I'm very glad I'm no longer with that person
Dating someone with BPD for 10 years since 19 years old has been the hardest thing I've gone through and is still many times very difficult.
She has improved dramatically since then but I wish we had more support from family, friends, and professionals; it would made everything so much less traumatic.
I feel that. I've been in a relationship with a person with BPD for 3 years since 18 and it has gotten to the point where my own family stays away from him out of discomfort surrounding his extreme emotions. All he's ever been to them is kind but there have been times where he expressed his struggles in an intensely emotional way and that has just driven my family away. Having that support from them would be extremely helpful, and I know what it's like to be left in the dark because of a lack of support. At least this video gives me hope that it can get better.
@@Max-ud3qo wait so you’re telling me that your partner has been nothing but kind to your family, yet the moment he has his struggles they abandon him and don’t want to be around him anymore?? Despite the fact that he’s always been kind to them. Wtf. Your family sounds like the issue, not him. They should be more compassionate and understanding towards him. He can’t help it. I don’t think they realise that the emotional intensity of BPD is like having three degree burns that nobody but yourself can notice. That’s how it’s been described as by professionals. Lucky for them that they don’t have to deal with that, shame on them for being so neglectful to someone (who’s been nothing but kind to them) when they’re suffering. I’d disown that family. They sound horrible, like the kind of people who will only be there during the good and never the bad. That’s disowning material status in my eyes. Ain’t no way I’d let my family treat my partner that way for having struggles that they can’t help.
@@trickstersenses It's a very complicated situation. I'll start by saying that both of my parents have been wanting to provide any kind of support they can for him. Both are very sweet and loving people and want to create a situation where everyone is happy and healthy. However, my sister is the one who has been neglectful. She's only 15 and deals with her own mental health issues but has completely cut him out and stopped talking to him entirely for no other reason than "he acted too emotional around me too many times." Obviously, you cut someone out of your life entirely and cease communication when they have severely wronged or hurt you, not when they are simply suffering and asking for love and support. Maybe that person's intense emotions make you uncomfortable, but in that case, you set boundaries while maintaining a sense of acceptance for them, not completely cease all communication and act like the person doesn't exist. So yeah, I'm taking big issue with this because it's having a very intense effect on my partner and my sister is doing absolutely nothing to try and fix the situation. The entire fear in BPD surrounds abandonment, and my own family member has chosen to abandon him. When I was referring to "family" I was only minorly referring to my parents as well because part of me feels like they could be doing more to help my sister figure this situation out instead of letting her just entirely cut out my partner. But I don't put any blame on them as they have been nothing but kind and loving toward us. I simply wish there was some fix to this situation because it's causing a ton of stress and depression for the both of us.
@@Max-ud3qo Then ideally, your sister needs to mature up a little bit and have a sit down with your parents, you and your partner. Have a cup of tea or a hot drink present to help ease the tension. She needs to learn how to establish boundaries instead of cutting someone out, making them feel like a problem for having mental health issues. She wouldn’t like it if someone did that to her, so she shouldn’t do that upon others. She’s 15 now, she’s at an age where she needs to learn that actions have consequences and that karma will bite her right in the backside. She needs to sit down with your partner and say “hey look I understand that you have your own mental health issues, I know that it’s difficult for you to manage strong emotions, however I cannot be that person who helps you through those times as I am emotionally unavailable to due to my own mental health issues.” And establish some boundaries that are healthy both for him and herself. What she is doing is cruel. BPD episodes only get worse when there is abandonment, and that’s precisely what she’s done to him- abandoned him. That’s only gonna make his BPD go wild, as people with BPD have an intense fear of abandonment. No offence or anything, but your sister needs to grow up a little and gain some perspective. If that’s what she’s gonna do when others around her have mental health issues and become emotional, then she shouldn’t be surprised when others start to do the same to her when she has her moments of need. In fact, if it’s already happened to her- that’s just karma at this point. Maybe she needs to be told- what goes around, comes back around. I feel for your partner, I really do. I hope he’s okay, and I hope you’re okay too and I hope that both of you can get through this and come out stronger from it as a team.
@@trickstersenses The same thing happened to me with an ex-partner, he had a wonderful family. Although I always tried to be kind, in fact I always was. But they could feel that there was some internal conflict (struggling with dissociation, not being carried away by the lack of coherence of the self, etc.). That is to say, they wanted someone normal for her daughter, not someone who would constantly fight with himself to be integrated into others. There is something very tribal about that, it is her family and they wanted the best for her.
It must also be said, the BPD diagnosis came two years after ending my relationship with her, she looked for someone more stable. Now, 12 years later she is happy, her family and her friends when sees me, they feels great compassion towards me. But I will always be an emotionally unstable person for them, there will always be that stigma. They love me well but not too close because they already have their own problems. Which is understandable, they are just protecting themselves.
The path of humility and compassion is very important, those who left us behind were for reasons of self-protection and well-being in the medium-long term. I don't feel resentment, only understanding. I have been with 3 couples after that and even so it was the family that tried the most to welcome me into its fold. I will always be grateful for that. Things get a lot better over the years. :))
his hair is looking so good jesus
i know right!
It's obvious he has been very lucky in his life. Hair is one more thing he has going for him.
For real
No androgens detected
Dapper af
Same for me.. I feel like I’m the sweetest person.. I’m just so sensitive it’s so fucking annoying and exhausting how your brain is constantly in survival mode and thinking others are deceiving you.. it’s hard for you to trust but you give others all the love you can when you feel loved.. but when we feel misunderstood and unheard.. we definitely lash out.. it’s not ok.. I hope we all learn to appreciate those who stick beside us.. I have felt this way my whole life and am just finding out that I most likely have this.. is relieving .. hopefully I can get the help I need before I lose the love of my life or push anyone else I love away.. wish me luck guys.
My partner has BPD and this video certainly makes me feel a lot more understood and made me realize a couple of things I wish I would've understood sooner. If this video would've come out 2 years ago it would've probably made my, and probably also my partners, life quite a bit easier. It absolutely is a rollercoaster, but just because someone has a PD doesn't mean that they aren't an amazing and beautiful person on the inside. Thanks to you I now also feel a lot more validated on getting therapy myself, I've been thinking about it for a year or so now, but I always felt like my issues are so miniscule that I don't want to take up a therapy spot, that someone else could maybe use a lot better than me (they're kinda scarce in my country). So thank you!
Your sense of humor makes it possible to laugh at the extreme behaviors of BPD. 😂 I’m laughing and learning about myself.. thank you! ❤
SAME!!! 🩵😂
Me too lol 🤣💜
You described exactly, word to word, my ex gf. I swear I tried everything, but at one point I couldnt do it anymore. If you are with someone with BPD and don't see improvement, put yourself a deadline please. You can end up really fucked up by staying because of guilt. Its not your responsibility to fix other people.
As someone with BPD, I second this! You have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help others. There's a big difference being with someone who acknowledges their issues and is working on them; and those who can't even see it yet.
This is so true, i was in a toxic relationship for 4.5 yrs and it really amplified my bpd, especially when i was discarded. I was an absolute emotional basketcase but I knew i needed help and i completet virtual DBT therapy that i got signed up for through the hospital, and i got into a health and supportive relationship with a kind man that treats me well, and im doing sooo much better now than i was doing in my last nightmare relationship ❤
I have been dating a woman with BPD for about a year and a half. I love her, but it has been very difficult. I was an insecure individual before, and this relationship amplified my insecurities by magnitudes. It’s been one of the most stressful experiences of my life. If you’re thinking about participating in a relationship like this, be aware that it can be very, very difficult.
I love her dearly. She’s very special to me and that’s what makes it so hard.
fuck. sorry to hear
@@skankwave5245 Nah it’s alright, but thanks friend.
Dont date her if she isnt getting treatment
@@teratsukielizabeth543 She is in treatment. She’s been away for a while now getting help.
I had a wonderful bpd friend who was very knowledgeable in their diagnosis and other health conditions. They had bad days and worse days but never let that hurt us. I have pretty severe depression with people pleasing habits and it was them who helped pull me out of a lot of the gunk. Imagine my shock when I heard bpd was just as negatively stigmatized as narcissism.
Now, I had a depressed friend that was very much an emotional vampire, always wanting to vent, never wanting to take any advice and rarely made it safe for me to say what I wanted (either bc they'd make it about them, pushed another tropic when I wanted to vent or drop something inappropriate in the middle of me talking about anything). I literally shook whoever I saw them.
The depressed friend was the one my loved ones were telling me to run from, not the one with bpd. It's funny how we pick and choose what disorders to hate, ain't it?
Do not have BPD and have never dated someone who does but I learned a ton from this. I think I did at least gain a bit more compassion for folks who have BPD. Thanks doc
All the videos about BPD have been very helpful. My spouse doesn’t have a diagnosis yet but I feel like the videos have been a camera into our life. Knowing this information is such an eye opener for me and will help me respond better to the highs, lows, disproportionate reactions, etc.
I dated this girl for 10 months. She was diagnosed around 6 months ago with BPD. She is wonderful, but I was too emotionally drained, and we came into an agreement that we should break up. We still talk, less than before, but I promised that I wasn't leaving her life, and I would still be by her side, helping her. I feel that made the break up easier for both of us. But one thing that I would tell to someone that is dating a BPD person is that you shouldn't feel responsible for them. If you are not feeling good about your relationship, talk to some professional about it and if you have to break up, do it. It will be hard, but it's needed. It's not your fault. I've gone through so much before realising it, it took months to realize the manipulation or how I was so tired from it. But one thing I know, she is getting better, and I'm sure that in a couple of years she will be so much more stable. And I'm so happy for her, because she suffers so much from it... I really want her to be happy.
you re a good men
Youre lucky u were even able to have this convo with her. Dont get too wrapped up in her problems. In the end it will only destroy you
I honestly feel this to an exact tee, pretty much. It's comforting and reassuring that I'm not alone.
Dont want to sound cynical, but if she has full-fledged BPD, she probably really doesnt need your "support" and you in her life - she probably has a new object of fascination that will be the centerpiece of her attention for some time and you are absolutely expendable, chances are she will even demonize you as mentioned in the video and talk exclusively bad things about you from now on. Again, dont want to sound harsh, but thats my experience of 10 years with someone with the disorder.
@@f4ust85 thats narcessism so clearly and obviously.
This is possibly the most comprehensive discussion on BPD I have ever experienced. There's however one huge flaw in its premise. Most of us needed to know this BEFORE we had a relationship with someone with BPD. We were deeply in love and wanted/needed help, but we had no idea what we were dealing with. Infact, I'm not sure she knew what she was dealing with. You are forced to a point where yiu don't want to go, you love them, but if you stay you will lose yourself in them. You find the intermittent reinforcement replaces love with addiction. It's great that there's hope but both need support, and a willingness to change.
I’ve been the “demonized” person adjacent to a relationship with someone with BPD. I wanted nothing to do with it-the guy she was dating (in a poly relationship) came onto me, and I turned him down-but she wrecked several relationships in my life over it. Not just my friendship with the people she was dating, but with a whole extended group. Maybe if she wasn’t refusing treatment, things would have been different, but it’s taken me most of a decade to repair some of those relationships. I’m here to try to gain some perspective.
That sounds like more than BPD though.. sounds like Narcissistic Personality Disorder...
Nah. The ones getting treatment are worse imo , bc they so often just use it to get insight on how to abuse and manipulate better
I don't think "treatment" immediately makes someone "better"
@@SkyeAtenpeople with BPD and NPD look the same dude.
Yeah, I also have read bpd can grow into narcism as stabilization of the broken/absent selfworth. I wonder if this is hypothetical or if we have actual data on this.
My wife had bpd. I’ll never leave her. Your videos help me cope and learn how to help her. Thank you so much.
I was in a 4 year long relationship with a man with BPD and this really hit the nail on the head. It was really a wild ride. My mental health absolutely tanked and I was diagnosed with OCD because of the anxiety from dealing with his swings and manipulation. It wasn't the relationship for me but I always hoped that he'd get better.
This is truly a great community, i have NEVER gotten so many likes and replies to a comment I post when there's already hundreds, and I didn't even say anything special!
As a a person with untreated bpd for the first 30 years of life, yes, we are.... a lot. Dealing with my shit, regulating my own emotions well helped a lot, but its still not easy. Edit now that I watched the whole thing. I thought it was funny you said stable relationships help people get better. Its true but I want to add that thats not only true for stable romantic relationships. I had to stay single for almost 5 years to be healthy enough for my "soulmate" that I have finally found. Healthy PEOPLE have healthy relationships, (in my experience) not the other way around. But that's why we need communities like this.
Yes!
Same here, I had to check out of dating for a few years to work on becoming the best, most stable version of myself before I met "the one".
That's definitely true. When I was friends with someone who attached to me in a bpd way i felt like they needed to be cut off from me because *everything* I did or said fed their need for attention from me. They never truly tried to be their own person without me or stop trying to control me. So I had to leave, and i still need to stay away bc of my trauma, but I sincerely hope they learn to be better.
I am so grateful for my man with BPD. We encourage each other to have boundaries and have open conversations is so important. The ONLY way this type of relationship works if all parties are open to make mistakes, learn from them, hold each other accountable and at the end of the day we want to be together in a healthy relationship. So we do our best to make sure we are actively working on ourselves first. We have 'non negotiables' which are boundaries we both put down that cannt get crossed at any time snd if they do that means we have a talk about what went wrong, and come up with a plan to support each other while someone is struggling which could be living separately temporarily.
Splitting manage is a HUGE thing. Every night before we go to bed we say thank you for today - even if it was a largely crappy day, we make a point to say thank you for being part of ny day and we would come up with a list of good and bad things thst haopned thst say to remind us that life is not all or nothing.
I do wish Men with BPD were covered more often as i feel the symptoms are expressed so differently.
I'm curious as to when/where your husband got his diagnosis. All of the things you are describing are, as a general rule of thumb, beyond the capacity of a BPD sufferer to achieve, maintain, accomplish with ay success or regularity! BPD sufferers are NEVER prone to accepting responsibility for their actions or the damage they cause. Honestly, based on what you have written, I would have cause to challenge the diagnosis as incorrect!
As someone who has had a great deal of failure in regulating emotions, a BPD diagnosis was troubling. Especially because at the time I was in a relationship with a nymphomaniac narcissist.
I've watched 2 of your videos now about the condition, and they're very relatable and informative 🙏
8 years, 1 kid and a $14K divorce too late, but this information is absolutely golden. 10/10 can confirm.
Also, single parent, combat vet with ADD here, so I understand my situation probably qualifies as an outlier, but, over the last few years, you’re vids/streams have been paramount in my road to recovery. Have you had any experience/desire to work with the VA?
You got off cheap mate
$14k is a bargain. I'm glad you're doing better!
i had almost the same experience as you it seems except no kids. I hope its better without them! I hope for the both of us it is!
I watched this for myself, after destroying all of my relationships… I’ve been building better habits lately and this video is the best advice for bpd that I’ve seen so far
This video came into my life 1 month too late. I broke up with my undiagnosed BPD girlfriend, you described the relationship perfectly. I left after she had a physically abusive episode, I strangely feel guilty for doing the right thing and walking away, she turn the tables calling me narcissistic and saying that I abandoned her. Now I understand the emotional swings, ironically I still miss her.
It didn’t come too late. Once physical abuse enters a relationship, the relationship should end… in my opinion.
No way dude, if anyone physically or continuously emotionally abuses you, you do not stick with that. Do NOT try to "fix" that person. The only time it is worth sticking around and supporting them is if THEY acknowledge that THEY have a problem and they are actively seeking or receiving treatment for it.
Do not return to an abuser. If you can, get some therapy for yourself.
I feel that man. I was with my ex for 7 years until last march. Things became abusive both ways but it was always worth trying to fix and to this day i dont agree with the people here and think abuse automatically means you should never talk to the person...but admittedly, esp with bpd, esp in a long relationship that had deep hurts both ways, it really is hard to course correct once it gets there.
But yeah, no shame in still missing her. There was likely a lot to miss. I know the connection i had--and in many way, will always have--with my bpd ex will be very very difficult to replicate again. I went thru a bunch of rebounds this year and nobody made me feel a fraction of how she did on a normal day.
Oh my god, my avoidant girl ticks all these boxes. A few days ago, she finally felt safe and comfortable enough with me to begin to really unpack her trauma from previous relationships and childhood.
I don’t know if things will work out. I really hope they will…I love her so much. But if they don’t, I’ll be happy if she’s just able to heal with me.
This is by far the best video I have seen on BPD! You describe the dynamics so well. If you’re open to video ideas, could you make a video on how someone with BPD can avoid getting into a relationship with a narcissist? I think it would be a big help as this dynamic is very painful for someone with BPD.
Everyone is a narcissist to a BPD whereas 40% of them are comorbid with NPD 🙄
One of the worst parts is being so ashamed of your BPD-needs that you push people away because you just know that they will ridicule and abandon you for your emotional outbursts and need for love. It gets even worse if you manage to ignore your inner turmoil up to a certain point, because the other person will then be even more shocked if you loose it eventually after a longer period of stability. You`re basically given two choices when it comes to relationships: being honest and not getting a chance for a healthy relationship in the first place, spending the rest of your life as a walking corpse, or a rolercoaster that will leave both of you exhausted and emotionally scarred.
I have a 21-year-old daughter with BPD. I cannot describe how traumatizing and heartbreaking it has been to see this happen to such a beautiful and intelligent girl. Highs and lows she has experienced some of the unbelievably awful things she has said to me are difficult to even explain. Currently she has me locked out of her life and it has been this way for six months. It is dreadful
I think my mom had BPD. She was literally abandoned by her parents for a few days, and abused by them on the regular. She was into health food and self-improvement, and I wish she'd had the resources available now - she'd have gotten relief from her internal suffering.😿
Edit: lollll he said "BPD people tend to end up with narcissists". MY DAD WAS SUCH A NARCISSIST!!!! Dr. K - 10/10 accuracy
YEP. my mom prob has BPD and I know for a fact that my dad is a narcissist.. it all makes sense now.