I think this is why slow living has become so popular lately. People are realizing they need to slow down and allow ourselves to actually process things so we can be happier.
The emotional dumping is something I am guilty of. There have been conversations I've had where afterward I tell myself, "You really could have just journaled all of that and it would have been easier for everyone."
Realizing it after can turn into realizing during and stopping, and that can turn into realizing sooner in and stopping, and that can turn into realizing when you’re starting and stopping- what I mean is, being aware of that is the first step to changing it, so like it’s great you’ve been realizing!
I feel you. I had (/have) issues with recognizing emotions and any slightly distressing event would make me feel like venting to someone. Regular journaling pretty much fixed it. And it's kinda fun (well, except when writing about more traumatic events but that does help a huge lot).
Hmm... I don't think is true. I think expressing things can be important because this makes things "real". (Going theoretical, I think in some sense your beliefs about the social world and morality are shaped by conversations so just because you know something is true it doesn't mean it's real for conversations). I do think you can work out things yourself (or in therapy etc) to make things faster.
I mean some people are ok with hearing rants. As long as you give them a heads up and ask if they're ok with a rantathon, then it wasn't really a problem to them. As barfy as it is, there are some nuggets of takeaways, which can help you or even them sometimes see a new perspective.
"trying to take as little damage as possible" Man, you nailed that. I've been let down so many times in so many ways that I don't expect things to go good, and I'm trying to just not get beat. What I keep saying is: I don't want to win any more, I just need a way to be where I'm not losing
The situation with the younger generation, yall don't have enough to do. Everything is handed to you. Study, build stuff, grow things, Get off social media and stop playing those fn games. Grow up .
Losing is in the mind, not in reality, if you reframe your experiences as learning lessons, you can't and will never lose or feel disappointed. Stop putting too much pressure on you and life and just enjoy yourself and life.
My 2 cents about life seemingly getting harder... yes, I think life is objectively harder because the demand is nonstop. You can't take a break or else you're falling behind. Also, for some of us, our parents did us a disservice. Some of us grew up overprotected and sometimes I feel like I'm learning all the stuff at 29 that I was suppossd to learn at 15,16...like literally how to fail at stuff, how to date and how to express yourself, among other things. I never had enough space to learn all of that and I know I'm not alone. So now, when I have to expose myself to those things my anxiety is palpable because now there's no one to protect me (of course, I'm an adult now). But it' not like you can just flip a switch in your head and say oh now I know all that stuff! We weren't raised to be ready for this world.
This has 100% been my experience too as a similar aged person. And it's not just our parents. Kids and teens need the space to take risks and make mistakes and explore and it is literally illegal in so many places (like if my friend lets her 8 year olds walk to the park alone, that's considered neglect). Basically throughout all time older kids and teens went around and did things and generally personed on their own. Now kids (and often even teens) are supervised constantly and everything is planned for them. They are granted no autonomy and as a result feel super anxious and depressed and also learn no life skills. I've seen it in my own experience and now that I'm a teacher I see it with my students and its infuriating.
Same boat, Im 20 and have felt mentally checked out from the world since early high school. My stepmom put an app on my phone that tracked my location, Was a keylogger ( read all my search history / received and sent texts ) and never let me go anywhere without having to beg and promise I would behave all the way until the day I moved out at 18 years old. Im so antisocial now and now i’m an adult and my parents just want to be my friend and act like it never happened and wonder why i only text back every 3 months. What the fuck do i even do to get out of this rut i dont get it. sorry for the rant I clearly didn’t take dr k’s advice in this video
Agreed. The only thing I'd like to add is that if our parents had the knowledge that these were good things to teach us, they probably would have. But they probably didn't know.
A big weight off your shoulders will be refraining from attaching an age to your identity. Or comparing yourself to the world's expectations of yourself at all. Talk about feeling left behind. But it's only ever in comparison to other people.
I've been journaling for 3 years now, and I didn't realise how useful it was until reading it all back. Even skimming through random pages, you notice what you've improved, what still needs improving, and you notice patterns of behaviour, thoughts and emotions. You notice patterns you weren't even aware of, and that is a major clue of what to do differently. Change the patterns, change the outcome.
I wanted to chip in with things I’ve learned from therapy and other sources. I Think the key to emotional processing is to treat your emotions as information, sit for a moment with no distractions and name the emotion you feel. Keep trying to label it. Some might need multiple labels. After you figure out each emotion ask yourself why you feel this way. Any answer works, if you truly cannot find why, just acknowledge you feel that way. The last step is to lay the feelings to rest, acknowledge their existence, thank your mind for letting you know then contextualize how you emotions fit with reality. Be sure to look for physical tells of emotions such as quivering lips, sweaty palms, chest pressure etc. Example: what am I feeling? Is it anger? No,I feel a pressure in my chest, I usually feel that when I am sad. Okay why am I sad? Im sad because my friend invalidated my feelings earlier. Okay does my friend usually care about my feelings? Yes they do, but it still hurt. I will have a conversation about with them when I get time. In my experience the emotions will generally fade as long as you fully acknowledge them for what they want to tell you. Once you know what it wants you to know or explore it will fade much more quickly.
do you think that this works for those with aphantasia (or a lack of the minds eye)? i don't think I'm able to necessarily "talk to my brain" like you say in your comment. I was just curious, but I could also have undiagnosed adhd or something else that inhibits my ability to focus on my emotions like you say.
im genuinely glad this works for you and surely many others, but for me honestly i can't see that working. i just don't understand this concept. over the years i've learned why i feel the way i feel, i can pinpoint specific situations in life that have resulted in a plethora of mental issues i struggle with today. in a very logical way i have learned things about myself and i can perfectly see why it is the way it is but the problem is that acknowledging the existence of all of that just makes me sadder. how is one supposed to just let those feelings go by acknowledging them.
I've lived in a lot of anachronistic settings (like ancestral peoples 100s years ago), and it *really changes one's psychology* I worked at a summer camp - some 325 humans, 75 of whom live and work together 24/6. Even as an introvert, I LOVED being around people all the time, because our interactions were face-to-face and authentic. "How are you doing?" lead to genuine conversations. All the time. Our job was to help raise children in the woods, and everyday had rewarding experiences we shared with other human beings. I had far more emotional/mental energy to expend, even though I was using so much more of it to be social 24/6. I did a season of trail construction & habitat restoration. I'm convinced now that hard manual labor is the best social bonding mechanism. Even the days when I was consistently physically uncomfortable - hauling boulders in 90 degree heat and dripping in sweat - I felt more at peace then most days when I do comfortable things. I was with like-minded people collaborating on a meaningful project. I think there are a lot of aspects of how ancient people lived their lives that had tremendous mental health benefits the likes of which we are just getting to understand via the lens of modern cognitive science.
as a fellow introvert, I have never felt more satisfied than when doing manual labor together with people, with a goal. I went on a trip to work on sustainable farming in indigenous communities in Panama and I met so many types of people. I felt true community and had no problem socializing then.
@@Anotherhumanexisting idk about youth camps or anything like that, but if you're looking for manual labor you could try your state's wildlife conservation corps. It's seasonal work so they're always hiring and a lot of the jobs have benefits
I saw a video of an Asian-American guy who was depressed, & he went to live with hunter gatherers in Africa. He said his depression went away while he was with them & he was the happiest he had ever been, even though they lived very rough & difficult lives.
It's weird how I ALWAYS loved to 'just chill a bit'. I.e. give me place to sit and stare into the distance for like half an hour. It makes me happy. Not only do I feel better afterwards but I'm content in that moment. But from a young age on most people, if not everyone, around me tried to wean me off doing that. Either by directly stating I should rather be 'properly using my free time' or by just making those moments less enjoyable with little snarky remarks. Which only lead to me constantly questioning myself during that bit of time that should have been relaxing.
I relate. Sitting under a tree in the park, riding the bus for a while, sitting on the couch staring out the window... I love that and I think I used to do it a lot more in the past but I also get the feeling that people regard me as a little weird for doing it. Yet these same people often tell me they are distressed from their thoughts and that they would rather run away from them or distract themselves. Maybe those two things are correlated
I’m 30 and still working on this, parents, peers, teachers, bosses, etc all shame you for relaxing… now I realize relaxing is more productive than not because the brain needs to recharge. I would destroy myself in college to meet deadlines while I worked 2-3 jobs at a time, but it still wasn’t enough for anyone. I barely got by and I sacrificed so much.
@@schlaubischlumpf211 never feel bad for being able to relax, the same people who comment on that is the same people who's been on edge for the last ten years and their brain sees relaxation as something bad for their 'productivity'. It's a real disease these days, some people can't even be silent around someone for more than five seconds without feeling awkward, same phenomena imo. They don't give space for their slower emotional processing, and therefor it's only go go go.
When I realized that video scrolling and compulsive gaming were preventing me from processing my emotions I was finally able to shift away from them and into slower activities. The one that's really been a benefit is doing a puzzle. It hits the dopamine button just enough to be a step down drug while also not occupying my mind. I can't say that I actively "think about" what's bothering me but it's able to happen naturally in the background and I've already made some important realizations. "Idleness" in the form of playing cards with actual cards, puzzles, gardening, or baking definitely helps me calm down the feels by letting them process and I get something done which lets me feel accomplished even if it's not a priority accomplishment
This video is amazing because a lot of the "self help" community recommend you these things. The problem is that they don't tell you why. There is no explanation as to why a walk without music/audiobooks or distractions is helpful. It's just -- go for walks. There is no explanation about journaling -- it's just about telling you to journal. They only tell you to avoid Netflix, Tiktok, video games etc, because it's bad. But they don't go deeper than that, which this video so eloquently did. In my particular case I've been journaling on and off for over a decade, but like Dr. K said, I mostly did surface journaling because I didn't like evoking certain emotions. I recently made it a point to use this to become better and to become more aware. It has been, without exaggeration, life changing. The game-changer for me was meditation and therapy. I have been to therapy for years, but I would go into therapy with this facade that prevented me to get to the root cause. Even then I did improve, but I would say that in a few years I improved marginally. After learning how to meditate and be able to do so consistently I was able to slowly drop those masks that prevented me from truly expressing myself. That is when I began to improve rapidly. Now I'm not going to sit here and say I've figured it all out. I still have issues with dopaminergic traps, and I still have to work on on certain aspects. The thing that I learned in all this is that you don't improve uniformly. In some cases you improve a lot and in others much slower. My focus now is to improve in general to be the best person I can be, but thanks to Dr. K I've found the baseline to be able to allow myself to do so. Five years ago that would seem like a pipe dream. I'm truly grateful for that.
I think this happens with a lot of things. Oftentimes people don’t fully understand how to articulate the whys of these things themselves or they don’t want to spend the time and/or energy required to do so. This often happens when people will say something is offensive or politically incorrect without explaining why, leaving people who aren’t already in the know confused
I have been thinking a lot recently on general self help recommendations that people say or just general advice/support form friends or people. There is a lot of it that goes around but no one ever seems to elaborate on them. They are never really explained on why they are important or help. It feels like its just something a lot of us say to people to get them by but no one really knows how they work either. Its nice to finally find some answers.
learning about emotion processing really saved me. Every night and morning I was saddled with so much negative shit. Then I allowed myself to go idle and FEEL these emotions. It's uncomfortable as hell, but then you realise that the emotions will go away after they've been heard
Well I've been journaling for 6 years now. I want to share with the community here my experience about it. 1. Once I've started I did not know how to do it 'the right way', but what I understand now, that there is no 'right way'. I think you just need to develop it. 2. My writing and form of journaling have changed through the years. At the start I just joted down some things, now I write full pages about my day and about my emotions. I have learnt more about myself, my emotions and how they work in the duality of body and mind. 3. Going through the years I think I found the best way to do it for myself. So I guess we should think that journaling is a skill and thorugh time you get better at it. 4. There is no feedback for journaling. There is no boss or manager who would pat you on the shoulder or evaluate what you wrote. You are the person. 5. I cannot describe it scietifically, but there is some kind of an emotional and physical loop between writing and thinking. When I feel fucked up and write it down, I somehow feel better, somehow I find other pov's at the problem. Just Idle thinking helps too, being mindful about it of course. But then again the loop between physical activity and mind is more interesting and sometimes it works better. 6. Being very radically open about yourself on paper. That I guess correlates with being open in other levels too. No one need to read it just you. Sometimes it is hard to admit to yourself stuff that bothers, so writing mitght help. 7. It helps to dvelope creative ideas. 8. You can talk to yourself there on paper. 9. Very good and realiable to track progress. I'm just sad that nobody can give me a master's degree in journaling. I've spent lots of time on it. Though I recommend doing it.
I've gotten a lot better at processing uncomfortable emotions over the last few months. For example, today, I started the day and I could tell my nervous system was dysregulated. Later in the morning, I released this pent up anxiety and dysregulation by crying in bed. Then I started work and as the day has gone on, my mood has improved and now I feel pretty good, my nervous system is relaxed. For context, in the past, I'd consider a day where I cried once to be ruined, there must be something seriously wrong. Now, I am happy to allow myself to cry if I need and I actually feel better for it afterwards. The tools I used for this are the: Emotions wheel (comfortable and uncomfortable [avoid labelling emotions as 'bad' and 'good']) and the Needs wheel. Write down the emotions your feeling in a moment and label them 1-10 on the level of intensity that you're feeling the emotion. Once you've done this, go to the Needs wheel and look at what you need in that moment to feel better, or at least feel like your nervous system feels regulated and you're on an emotional even keal. I hope this helps others out there.
@@bruhdabones there's nothing wrong with that and it clearly helps them. this is a normal way to process emotions and therapists often recommend it. your comment sounds judgmental and invalidating. im not sure if that was your intent, but that's how it came off.
@@cornbone I had no clue that anyone would recommend such a framework for understanding internal emotions. The amount of structure it builds up just to reach a verrrrry basic level of understanding is incredible. Maybe that’s my neuro-typical brain speaking, but never in a million years would I learn that I need to cry by first observing a “disregulated” nervous system. If it works for OP, amazing. That’s cool. It’s just a foreign and unwieldy framework to me
Notes for myself: - Historically emotional processing happens during idle time mentally while doing rote labor such as repairing fishing nets which require no mental tax. Idle mental time is essential to emotional processing. - In recent years trauma is suppressed by dopaminergic distractions and never healed or processed. Therefore it builds up and trauma dumps occur. - Deeper emotional work helps process big batches of emotional processing which requires time, space and exploration and all of this can be done in higher quantity and higher density with mental health professionals such as therapists. - Asking insightful questions lead to deep emotional work. - Discover what you really want - Action Steps: Journal (Write about emotionally charged/engaging good or bad experiences, Write about what happened in the situation, this week or today, Goal is to use journaling as idle time to process rather than pros and cons lists or to dos), Work with a professional, Rote physical activity with idle mental time without a goal in mind (Hiking, Walks, Journaling, Locking yourself in your room, etc)
i started hiking again this summer and realized that was exactly what was missing in my life. idle time, it's in those repetitive physical motions that my mind can wander off and process everything i went through. went on a 6 week hike and that helped aaaaaaaaalot. at one point u just get tunnel vision and you can finally think about everything clearly, whilst enjoying awesome views. that's the same with swimming, or any kind of physical task. i guess that's why dads love to mow the lawn so much.
Meditation in motion…can be as simple as walking/hiking or more involved like mountain biking or snowboarding. Once you hit that state and start operating on autopilot, the healing begins.
I used to hike so much as a teenager and I miss it so much. But as an adult it's really hard to find uninterrupted 6 hours of time where I can just lose myself in the woods and not end up behind on work or school or housework. I hate our late capitalist dystopia.
I find weed plays the physical exaustion/headspace string but with the feely good it doesn't really work unless your well disciplined. Hense why people get hooked on it
@@thomasferris3750 true! i took a big pause on weed after doing it every day in my early 20's and now i got a pretty healthy grip on it. doing it like maybe 1-2 times a week and only in the evening, or when i'm rewarding myself for something. then it feels like the first time again. the deep thinking, appreciation for friends and family and life in general. i hate the steoretype of the lazy weed guy only sitting on the couch playing video games, but if you find a healthy balance it can work wonders on your mental health.
People have gotten so used to distracting themselves from their emotions that they are increasingly scared to reflect, feel and process them properly. This is why meditation and quitting social media helps people feel better - because it gives them space and time to declutter and process their emotions
NTS: 1) journalling - write about emotionally engaging experiences (both good and bad experience), or just jot down thoughts = to provide time and space for mind to automatically process 2) therapy vs coaching/spirituality 3) rote physical activity like hiking, etc to give space (idle time) for mind to process
@@sneakerbabeful physical activity like hiking doesn't require conscious effort, so it frees your mind to think about other things. And if your mind will naturally think about feelings that it needs to process.
Dr K, you are correct about the processing. I have had 6+ years of non-stop major life events, from the tragic death of my husband and subsequent legal battle of his estate to my mother’s cancer to my brother’s death to a global pandemic to being laid off to political unrest. I don’t feel like I’ve had the time to process. I do journal and it definitely helps. Somethings just don’t much sense anymore.
i've never really thought too much about mental idleness vs physical idleness. i know that being idle is hard and that i feel the need to do something at all costs, but i always focused on not being mentally idle by distracting myself on social media or stuff like that, while neglecting the physical most of the time. being mentally idle isn't exactly being idle, and i think i should try remembering that a little more, because being mentally idle and physically active seems 100% better than the alternative
Hands down, I was just thinking I should go back to knitting. A few times a week. Even just doing chores is good enough no? I can't do anything without music though.
These videos always come at a perfect time for me. I grew up in a shitty, abusive household where nobody gave a fuck about how you were feeling. Nobody talked about emotions. You just had to either take it or "figure it out." This obviously wasn't a recipe for success in terms of making friends -- on top of learning that I'm neurodivergent and was already going to struggle socially, even if my home life was "normal." I'm in a new relationship after years of shitty, abusive ones and, honestly, the second-best thing for me ever (the first being therapy) is learning how to slow down, listen to my partner, and learn to how to handle my emotional state before shit hits the fan. I'm learning what conversations to have, what conversations not to have, and how to separate my past trauma from her behavior rather than (impulsively) reacting. This is the best romantic relationship I've ever had and it's a day-by-day thing that I have to work at; it's nice, though, to be rewarded with someone's love and patience with me because I've never really had that before in my life.
Tangentially related, but as a young(ish) teacher (I work with middle schoolers) I've seen a lot of emotional perfectionism in both my own life and my students' lives. I spent a ton of time when I was younger (and still some now) really fixated on having positive emotional experiences and making sure everyone around me was also having positive emotional experiences. Which is of course devastating because its not sustainable and also a useless goal. I've worked really hard to overcome that and so its hard to see my students struggling with emotional perfectionism as well, but the longer I've been in the classroom the more I've realized that they feel that way and I felt that way because so many of the adults in the their lives are trying to build emotional experiences for kids where they don't feel anxiety or anguish or embarrassment. And it makes everything 1000% worse because 1. kids then learn that having negative emotions is an emergency and 2. kids rarely get the opportunity to process or work through their emotions. Recently I've been trying to give my students more space to fail socially and emotionally process those interactions and its been challenging because I feel like that's the wrong thing to do in the moment. But I've been continually impressed by my students emotional resiliency and how they process and come back from interactions that seemed to me as an observer to be low key social emergencies (and probably would have become them if I had interfered).
Wow kudos to you, that seems so difficult. I remember when I was in school social interaction felt like something I had to get perfectly right every single time or I would die in that game and there would be no extra lives. I would be doomed to permanent exclusion. I needed friends but other people had other friends and did not need me and were ready to drop me as soon as I became an inconvience. Honestly I really wish teachers had intervened more and told my classmates that their behavior is unacceptable. Later I learned that in a lot of cultures shunning someone for non moral reasons is indeed considered antisocial and unacceptable behavior. Do you think this is a common experience or just me?
That's amazing! Can you elaborate and/or give examples. Many of us are having those same realizations in our late 20's and early 30s and trying to create those healthier learning experiences and attitudes for our own kids at home so it's less required of teachers in school and just so my kids are better equipped for the world. Any resources that helped you accomplish this would be great to know about!
I am 25 years old. I learned to cognitively dissociate from my emotions when I was under 10 years old. I don't need external stimulus to not feel. Having recently learned that this is my primary reason for unhappiness, I have taken up the journey of day by day trying to feel those 15 years worth of unfelt feelings. I'm guessing it will take 5 to 10 years, if I'm hardworking and lucky.
This makes so much sense. There are studies made on people walking the Camino de Santiago route. Most of the pilgrims these days don't do it for religious reasons but rather for spiritual reasons. There's quite a large number of people who have a sense of looking for something, and trying to process through feelings and experiences. It can be a very life-changing experience both mentally and physically.
see i've been wanting to do a mauna (stay alone in the forest without any belongings) for years but my dad talked me out of it like "you're gonna die of starvation" and it really put me off. but also, yeah kinda scary. how do i get food lol. but, it's a very important spiritual undertaking, similar to a pilgrimage or a vow of silence that some christian monks do. the goal is to not be in contact with other humans and just be one with nature for a month or so. slowly your mind will stop thinking in language and religious people would be able to refer to it as "meeting god". i'd be scared to die from starvation or hypothermia during the night
This! I went on one of the ways (Caminho Portugues) and it was a phenomenal experience for my mental health. Previously, I tried to recover from burnout and a depressive episode for over half a year but that 2 weeks of pilgrimage did more for me than anything else I tried. Highly recommend some form of long hike or pilgrimage for anyone who feels lost in life.
I think the idea that all pilgrims are the same. I mean, each one has their stories but all of them are walking the same path. It's nature, an activity you don't need to think much, your anonymous company and yourself. Sounds healing because it's not a competition.
@@transsexual_computer_faery The Camino de Santiago has many stops and places to stay besides beautiful romanic churches. It's not like you are in the middle of nowhere. Google it if you don't believe me. I'm sure there are a whole bunch of pages in English about it.
This is also why darkness and silent meditation retreats are so popular now in popular culture. The Vipassana (10 day silent meditations) are free and held all over the world. I intend to go one day. Right now I am building my Tai chi practice.
Distraction = avoidance of processing emotions. The mind on “autopilot” is an apt analogy. Good point on the effectiveness of coaches and the value of deep emotional work.
Oh my, this is so accurate. Instead of processing my emotions I go to youtube to watch news and crap. The next morning I'm still tired with no awesome ideas for solving the issues.
Same boat, distracting ourselves feels "good" in a way, even if we know is non efficient in the long run. Maybe it had its purpose and helped us distance ourselves traumatic events and our brain did know better. I say it's a good thing that we have the self awareness to at least aknowledge that we have a problem. The next part is trying to fix what we can, which can be scary and uncertain. It wil be a journey
I’ve believed for years that a lack of idle time on both a social and an individual scale are and will be disastrous for the world. I make a point of having time every day where my mind is just there… doing nothing in particular. It’s really helpful for forcing perspective on my most prominent feelings or worries or frustrations.
I was so depressed and had no idea beyond being sad. I can't say exactly how long I've felt that way, but I wanted to thank you for providing me an avenue to open and explore mental health without stigma and through a child's eyes. Zoloft has legit changed my life, I was able to take the initiative to heavily stretch my muscles, enough for my spine to mostly correct itself on its own, after having slouched into a pretty severe hunch over my 30 years on this earth. I'm standing up straight and looking to the horizon thanks in part to you. Thank you very very much 🙏
This made me realize that I was always distracting myself by listening to music no matter what I was doing. No wonder I have trouble sleeping at night when the music is off. I think I'll try going on walks with no music and experience this mental idleness.
@@champagneprincess4 I guess so, but not in a direct way. Walking with no music led me to pay more attention to my body as I walked. I ended up noticing that I was mouth breathing when I started getting tired. After watching more YT videos I've been making conscious effort to only breath through my nose all the time. This has improved the quality of my sleep, which I think is aiding my ability to process emotions. Maybe focusing on nasal breathing 24/7 is somehow meditative for me and that's another reason why it's working. I wouldn't say I'm 100% feeling amazing all the time now, but I can tell that I'm getting back to a good baseline. That's been my journey so far after watching this video. I hope you can glean something from this to help yourself!
Recently I started walking home from work when I've had a rough day and always found it made me feel more 'recovered' from the day - the worse the day, the more I found myself just walking with no podcast or music or anything. Hearing about the value of idle time just opened my eyes to why! It's like I knew on some level I needed that.
I think working out/going to the gym is a great way to help you process your emotions - a lot of the time you spend racking weights and doing lifts, you're able to process past events. Could partially explain why people that exercise have better mental health
It's not life that's getting worse; it's life in the US that's getting worse. I arrived in Thailand a couple of weeks ago to visit my sister. I was in a horrible state from the stress of life in the US. It took me a week to start feeling relaxed. She's living a carefree life away from the US and now I see why she left. I had been on a stress roller coaster for months just trying to take care of basic life endeavors and get a decent night's sleep, while worrying constantly about being able to afford the skyrocketing prices. The US is a stressful place to live and the citizenry is suffering because of that toxicity. It's such a stark difference in the quality of life, that I've decided to move to Thailand as well. It's THAT much better.
That sounds wonderful! Could you elaborate a bit on what exactly is so much more relaxing? All the best for your move and I hope everything turns out as you wish for :)
@@speedyspeedgirl1778 i think its the culture! dont get me wrong developing countries have issues too that need improving...but they also dont have that hustle culture where ppl are set to over compete with each other...food sources are cheaper, physical activitiies are better, & more idle time and less technology around you.
Yeah I feel similarly, I couldn't pinpoint exactly what it is that makes life here pretty insufferable, but whenever I've been out of the country I've felt very relaxed and more "at home" than back in the states. Something's up with this place.
Yeah its why i want to move to the South lol. A mass a good amount of money and move. I least ill get a check every month from the US and convert it into foreign money for more.
I think this is partially why art (including some video games) has become so important to me. I have GAD so even when I'm doing nothing, I'm still constantly in my head, thinking and analyzing. I honestly don't know how to process or even allow myself to feel emotion. Art allows me to get in touch with some those emotions in one way or another. Last year I played The Last Of Us 1&2 for the first time. Being confronted with those dark, complex topics and emotions was such an impactful experience that really defined 2022 for me.
Same....but I would play video games constantly. Now I find it reversed, I start getting a bit more anxious when I stay on them for a while, any ideas or tips?
Just like when our body is injured, we must give it time to rest in order to recover, we must give our minds time to recover when they are injured. Constant distraction is exerting to the mind. And just like if we continued to exercise on sprained ankle it would not heal as well or as quickly as it should and may even lead to chronic pain, continuing to exert our minds when we have something hurting us emotionally or psychologically will not allow our minds to heal and recover from that pain. At least that's what I took away from this video. Thanks Dr. K. This video really helped give me some perspective.
I'm commenting to help get this video out there so ignore the rant, but the fact that I was absolutely livid the entire time you were talking is how I know you're right. My life isn't quite as convenient, by design, I choose to work outdoors and I have the luxury of choice yet I still complain constantly. I constantly ignore my emotional state and then vitch, moan, and complain when I'm in a bad mood... Which is all the time because I refuse to acknowledge my basic necessities as a person. Good video
It's great to learn when you're participating in some activity because you need a rest vs looking for a distraction. I've come to realize a lot of the times I turn on a video game, open a beer, or hop on Reddit, it's not because I actually want to engage with those things at the time but more I just don't want to deal with my emotions. But other times I feel emotionally stable and just want to wind down with those things. It's definitely important to be able to just sit alone with your thoughts without a side task going on. It's ok to feel things and ok to sit back and process things. Even if it's an xp waste. Mental health has to come first. Cheers everyone. Keep up the good work. We got this!
I really was living under the impression that I'm one of the very few people who get more and more hurt as the life goes on, they way you worded this struggle describes me very accurately. It's so good to know what's behind it and have a tangible way of making things better, I wouldn't suspect it was unprocessed emotions that made the life so difficult! I'm genuinely so grateful for this video, this is that kind of an insight I was searching, without exaggeration, for years. Thank you.
It annoys me that I tell my husband this and I've been telling him this for years. I always say that just like when you leave your laptop open and it does background checks that the brain needs the same. He doesn't get it. But he watches this video and gets it instantly. Thank you though, you got through to him.
This explains why planning fun events (for example with friends) seem to be followed by a negative day or few days. They require energy to plan, I get to experience a lot of emotions in a short timeframe, but after that I don't have idle time to process those emotions. So negative as well as positive emotions pile up for processing; they don't cancel each other out!
Hey Dr K. Just wanted to comment to say your videos have given me the confidence to reach out and start counselling. I really appreciate the content you make and how it helps people.
Dr K, I’m in love with your channel, your work, your personality, your approach to explaining everything in such an amazing way that really hits the core of what I am doing and how I think about it. Im changing my ways and bad habits with your tools and sensibility and practical explanations. My lifelong addictions to pot, to isolation, to not helping myself with living now; I am growing thanks to you. Im almost 50 and there’s no time like now to live in a healthy way. Thank you
As an avid lifelong journaler, I'd love to share a few more tips! - make the experience of journaling enjoyable, yet easy. Watching videos of other people with their bullet journals is a great way to get inspired, but be careful not to compare yourself or expect your journal to be as "aesthetic" as theirs. Personally, I like to invest in beautiful fountain pens, fun inks, and high quality paper to make the experience enjoyable. - experiment with different journal formats! Over the years I've tried hardbacks, paperbacks, spiral bounds, lined paper, dot paper, digital, etc... Try different sizes too. The format I'm using now is looseleaf blank paper, which I put into a folder I've labeled "journal" when I'm done. - don't pressure yourself to complete a journal. If continuing your journaling habit requires you to buy a new journal, do it. No guilt. - the only rule is THERE ARE NO RULES - do whatever you need to do to make it easy - but also, if you need some guidance, you can find amazing journaling prompts online! Find a list, and go with the first one that you find thought provoking. - make sure you go back and read your old journals sometimes. It can be really hard to do, but I've found it to be very healing.
The distraction part is true I have been actively trying to distraction myself to suppress my emotions instead of allowing myself to feel with it just because I don't like dealing with the negative emotions. This year I'm learning it's better to just let it out sometimes. I started doing mindful meditation and I noticed that during that time I'm not distracting myself the emotions I end up suppressing does come out in some of those moments
What you describe is how I have been feeling for the last 10 years, in regards to both my job and family life. The video has given me some insights to think about, so thank you for that!
YES, journaling really helped me for years. You perfectly articulated why people resist journaling AND how to journal effectively. For those interested it’s at 19:00
Woah thank you for this. Struggled with depression forever & am recovering. Breaking up with my partner of 4 years today and this couldn't have come at a better time. Gotta accept and then opposite-action the negative feelings. It'll be a process for sure
@sirprize5191 I probably misrepresented that with "recover." More-so rebounding, as in my situation the depression comes and goes for bouts of up to a few months at a time. But I went through a dialectic behavioral therapy (DBT) program, and that helped immensely. DBT gives you a concrete toolbox of ways to deal with crises, how to process your emotions, how to communicate with others appropriately, how to look at situations through a regulated lens vs a depressive lens. I would highly recommend looking into a DBT program. I also opened up to my small support system (close friend and my sister) and we found ways to signal that I'm going through a rough time/need them to just force me outside with them/need them to leave me alone. And I started taking lamotrigine 200mg, which is traditionally an anti-epilepsy drug, but aids in mood stabilization. I think it helps, but I'd say the most helpful thing is that DBT toolkit.
This is probably the best video so far. The problem is shared by everyone. The solution is accessible to everyone. The source of these issues are shared by almost everyone. And it's the most reoccurring road we'll come across. It's a fundamental building block to mental wellness.
It just clicked with me what everyone means when they talk about doing "nothing" on vacation. I've always been someone who "fills" their vacations to the brim with stuff to do. But the nothing version suddenly sounds super tempting.
Love this. As an autistic person this was so great to see. I used to be so afraid of my house work and chores and after a life changing experience at exposure therapy these same chores have now become my processing time which speaks to the mundane task focusing/rote physical activity point Dr. k mentioned. I do want to add however that a huge factor in this concept (might apply heavier to me as an ASD’er that has above avg sensory sensitivities) is that you need to be RELAXED and calm during the activity. Hitting the gym if it’s in any way mentally/cognitively taxing, or even emotionally charging will not do the trick. This is why activities in nature as Dr. k mentioned is so therapeutic for many ppl incl myself. There is an inherent soothing effect it has on humans so hikes and walks are perfect. Also why I wasn’t able to use housework as processing time previously bc of the anxiety associated with it but now can. It doesn’t have to be too complicated but as long as you’re relaxed, not super distracted, and have some kind of mundane physical component that’s really all it takes. Thank you for this video as the lack of emotional process time expected of us in this world truly was a huge reason I almost gave up as an ASD’er! I also appreciate that you highlighted how therapy may or may not always be what everyone needs bc I -like many ppl with ASD - have also not just received poor results from therapy but have actively been harmed on occasion by it. And I really thought there was nothing else out there for me and that it was my fault. Thank you for always having something for everyone and being so woke! Much appreciation from a fellow Indian-American too it makes me proud :)
Dr. K, thank you for this lecture. This whole video perfectly explains the last 4 months of my life and everything that was in my head. That's exactly why I started doing pizza delivery at a local shop. If you live somewhere nice and the weather is nice, I highly recommend it for emotional processing. I think many (mainly low-stress) jobs can become socially and physically demanding (giving you idle time to process) as long as you just hold your head up high, keep a smile on your face, say yes to everything, and just focus on all of the positives. People start to like being around you, you start to feel a sense of warmth from life, and tons of experiences/lessons get thrown your way. It's wonderful if it all works out, maybe I'm just lucky. I wish you all the best on your journeys!
Dr. K has the super power of giving these videos just at the right time lol There's a lot of things I've been needing to turn over in my head, and with finals at school it's hard to really dig into them. Yesterday, I had an arm wrestle with my friends for fun. The first month of school, I could beat pretty much all of them. My arms were fuller, I felt sturdier. But this time, 4 months later, I lost every time. Didn't stand a chance. I'm withering away, quite literally. I don't eat properly. And just something like having that arm wrestle just triggered a blow that hit me with all these thoughts and feelings at once. I was sitting in the school's general meeting, and I felt like I was going to break down. I can't keep living off of tiny yogourt cups and dumplings. I have a full meal that hits most of my food groups maybe once every four days. The rest I'm more worried about keeping up calories. I have some vitamin gummies that are the only reason why I'm not dealing with any deficiencies, except for protein. My aunt only eats chicken in her salads, my vegan cousin just got back to the house, there's nothing for me besides the single serving cups. I'm already living there for free, the guilt I feel when just contemplating asking her for meat is enough for me to push it aside. Anyway, I really did break down over it yesterday. My muscles shrank away, and I have no energy to work out. I got home, and what I ended up doing, instead of doing my work, I just laid on the floor. For a good while. Pure silence. I find, when I am really freaking out, I lay on the floor. Going for a walk would be nice too, but after being out in the cold for an hour and change just coming back home, it's not often something I'm in the mood for. I really do feel better after doing this, and watching this video I realized it's because I'm actually taking time to process my feelings. It's a kind of depressing way to do it I'm sure (from and outside perspective it must look sad lol) I'll either lay on the floor, or just quietly do something with my hands while I think. Helps a lot in times like these. After winter break I'm getting a job again, so I can buy my own food.
I like to lay on the floor too. Without any mattress or a pillow. It is helpful. If i do it outside, i would spend time laying on a flat and wide cemented bench, and observe the clouds moving against the blue/gray sky.
Dr K. Please read! The reason for the trend of things getting harder- the working class world wide is simply getting squeezed harder and harder as time goes by at the macro level. This needs to be taken into account!
Yes. This needs to be acknowledged. It does not discount anything he said about processing emotions. But without that incredibly important context you lose credibility. You must do both.
Fully agree, that said there have been vastly harder times in the past where people have been happier, I've seen people find real peace and happiness whilst falsely on death row, bad circumstances tend to take advantage of the holes on your mental health, but it doesn't *create* those holes, they where always there but nothing was taking advantage of them
Honestly your tip to just „idle“ and take away tech and other distraction works like a charm. I put away every electronic device and cooked something ate in silence and had a blast while thinking about the things I usually cant sleep because of. Sorry for my grammar mistakes
We love avoidance. Now that we're used to not processing our emotions and trauma when something happens that triggers those feelings we feel like something is *wrong* so we do everything we can to avoid feeling that way. We have to accept and commit to our emotions. I love ACT therapy for this.
I've heard of this idleness exercise before and have been practicing it. Let me tell you, the first time I did this 7 years ago and went to bed, I woke up so energetic and refreshed that I felt like a new person, literally. Been practicing it ever since.
@@edwardhisse2687 I sat down and gave my thoughts space to flow. You've heard the phrase "Mind is a monkey"? I just let the monkey go wherever it wanted to, while observing it. Like the memes where your brain plays a CD of your most embarrassing memories, your worst decisions etc .. You just let the brain do it and allow youself to experience the thoughts and emotions that come along the way. Simply listen to your thoughts and emotions wherever they go. Simply put, do what you would do if you had nothing to do and had no means if entertainment or distraction. Imagine yourself limbs tied, in an empty doorless/ windowless room. It's ok to sleep if you feel sleepy during this process.
Is this the one where you just stare at a wall and sit there with your thoughts? I remember Dr. K mentioned this on one of his previous videos. I cant remember if its related to emotional processing.
@@rogu3dog in my experience, emotional processing becomes a part of the process if you are idle for long enough. You would'nt have control over which emotions get brought up tho. It's sor of random.
Emotional processing today vs in the past made sense, as you explained. That's one of the reasons physical and concrete activities make you feel better.
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The timing of this video is incredible for me. I've been figuring out some emotional stuff lately and it's great to hear some insightful professional advice on the topic and to get reassured that I'm on the right track. Thank you!
I used to watch a lot of Dr.K before, loved it aswell. I never had any problems of any sort. Then I had a huge thing happen and I haven't been okay for more than a year. And since then I couldn't watch another Dr.K video now that I had my own problems. This is the first one I've watched since and it feels weird, kind of proud in a way that I could watch another video like this.
Congrats on achieving what may seem like a small thing, but it shouldn't be minimized. Sometimes I can be important to confront your issues head-on. They can feel very uncomfortable, but my opinion that means that it's something that you were growing from.
It is astounding the amount of suffering and heartbreak that is taking place in this world. It’s like an abyss. Everyone please try to stay positive. 💛
I'm so angry. This is exactly the thing I've been complaining about with therapy. Every time I start getting into any emotion, I'm given the advice that I should just distract myself. It's the same advice from every therapist I see, between even seemingly distinct methodologies like CBT and IFS. There is no escape from the negative feelings. They accumulate and take over everything. I'm completely stuck, constantly distracting myself, and I don't have any more energy to change. I wish I had seen this video 4 years ago.
I was listening to this video while doing some deep cleaning around the house and the part about spending time performing a task to mentally process some things just seemed to perfectly click into place. I love working on small mindless tasks like cleaning and getting them done well when I need time to think.
One detail I might add is the importance of physical exertion and the presence of some source of beauty in your life in combination with idle time/undivided focus. The nervous system excretes the energy of trauma through healthy physical action. Following the Dharma, practicing yoga, martial arts, and asceticism in general have done miracles for my mental health. As a military veteran and a human who has struggled through modernity like everyone else, I wish you all the best 🕉️
I like how the TH-cam algorithm put your "I am always stuck in my own head" video as the next recommended watch. I'm going to watch that now. As much as I agree about the importance of taking the time to process emotions (and as therapeutic that can be), I sometimes find myself perseverating over certain things. Granted, that's probably due to not properly processing the issue. Your tips about how/what to journal and the rote physical activity are helpful. Thanks! Edit/update: I just watched the "stuck in my own head" vid and it makes so much sense especially in combination with this video. Highlighting the differences between cognitively processing and actually emotionally processing was perfect!
We lost the simplicity of life. We are bombarded will stimulation 24/7. We have things so easy that we forgot how to do the hard stuff. Advancements are great and all but they have taken away our energy to do. Simplicity is what I long for. Give me a hard life that is simple and I can function at my best. There are to many distractions that thinking becomes muddled. I have a hard time with to much stimulus. Heck I am in complete silence most of the time. I rather hear the sounds of nature than anything else. Yes we have lost time and space. I do know that creating is a great way to process. It's a great way to express as is writing. Most of us are walking around on overload.
Dude I became a widow in 2021 and I have two kids. I have been in a fucking hamster wheel since my husband died. I have zero time to process my grief or the ensuing emotions that have come up since then. My eldest kid just came out as trans so I’m dealing with this as well. I am so fucking overwhelmed.
A method of journaling that has helped me a lot is just writing down every good thing I do or good thing that happens throughout the day even if the only thing I write down is “made my bed” or some days “got out of bed” at the end of the day it helps keep those good things at the surface so I don’t get overwhelmed by all the bad that happens
I deleted my social medias and stopped brining my phone outside when I went out, it made me realize how powerful the human mind is. I learned so much about myself by leaving behind the distractions of using my phone for no other reason than to distract my mind.
I've been struggling with insomnia because my brain is distracted all the time and I don't have time to process until I'm trying to fall asleep. Yesterday I was sitting in the car for 5 hours on a trip and I had so much time to process and talk to my parents. I fell asleep so quickly that night after we got home, and didn't think about many things. I will keep trying to give my brain more processing time!!
I recently started pausing some videos whenever I get a thought about things that relate to me and it's been helpful processing information and my feelings without consciously being aware of what the emotions are. But when it comes to twitch and gaming videos you bet I'm gonna binge watch that stuff. That constant hunger for entertainment just to distract ourselves seems to create this circle that whenever we feel similar way again we don't know how to act and so we become servants to technology. Although this has been one of major reasons for why we feel the way we don't want to, the fact that I can just click on videos like this and help with life is really amazing all it takes is willingness and kindness to help yourself.
I stumbled upon your channel and I kid you not; I consider myself as a very fortunate person to be here That’s the kind of wisdom I was looking for.. just blending psychology with spirituality and religious practice is absolutely an amazing thing and has been my favourite approach to learn about myself and the world we live in Thank you Dr.K for the great content🙏🏻
One thing I'd like to add about the long-distance hiking as a way of processing: learn self-compassion first. Some hard-earned wisdom there. You speak so much to my experience when I first started therapy - I wasn't happy with how my life had turned out, but I also couldn't risk making it any smaller... my life was so small that I couldn't think of anything extraneous left to lose. I was really self-aware in knowing what was going on (that the problem wasn't what happened to me, it was that I didn't know how to move through it), but just didn't have the tools. And honestly I think having someone in my life who cares about how I REALLY feel, was essential for my healing. Thank you for this video.
Wow, just realized I've been watching HGgg for 2 months... watching A LOT! And shockingly I just now subscribed, I thought I would have a month ago. I can't even put to words how much you help me understand my brain and the brains of people around me! Ty for your work, you are awesome!!
I had a traumatic event happen when I was in middle school and I journaled about it for YEARS and now, at 38, I am finally working on processing what that event and everything that came after with a therapist and I wish some one had taught me how to journal like this!
Really good points in this video! I am a logical person too and hearing that journaling is more about actually giving yourself time and space other than "solving" a problem in like a progressive almost work type of way made me think about it differently!
Out of every person I have come across on TH-cam to explain something psychologically to me. I prefer this guy not only am I interested in ADHD, but I love how this guy explains things. I love his personality. I like how fast he talks. It's just awesome. Thank god for this guy. He's my role model now. I just found his page and he's definitely my new role model
Positive win story: I ran into a dude I haven't seen in 8 months. Our last interaction face to face was really negative, and I responded by sending an angry voice message to him. When I saw him tonight I immediately apologised for what I said on messenger, and then walked away, because he wasn't interested in discussing it further. I then sat with my buddies and had a fun chat. Life is better now, and I'm more emotionally resilient, and do less impulsive actions.
I literally started tearing up because I used to journal a lot until one day my sibling violated my privacy and told my parents about what I was journaling. I have this disturbing memory of what my mother told me… she said something along the lines of if you don’t want people to find out about your secrets then don’t write it down. Today I’m going to over come this trama. I’m so grateful that I found your channel. Thank you 🙏🏾
When you talked about dreams being a form of our brain processing, it made me think about myself and how my dreams are so closely related to my present life, they are like memories to me, i can go back to dreams from months ago, even some dreams from 15+ years ago, but i never find closure through dreams unfortunately.
To me it feels as if everyone tries to optimize their life to the upmost detail kind of like a video game. We can fail over and over in video games because there’s like an “okay cool cool, I know what I did wrong and how to go about it next time.” Life when we fail, we don’t know until later so it creates like a freeze in a sense of making sure that everything that leads up to that decision will be the right choice we make in that time frame.
This channel, combined with my therapy i've been going thru the last six months has been the best thing ever. I have never been happier, sober, not single, and hopeful for once in my adult life.....i'm 35.......i was a heroin addict from 16-34........
A damn good topic and a damn good explanation of it. It makes a lot of sense and it feels grounded and real and I can certainly resonate with some of it.
I actually go on a ton of walks and with no phone and just think about stuff, do a lot of a self analysis and think about the people interact with. Sometimes I feel like this crosses over into rumination but I think I’m pretty self aware about when I have thought about something enough and it’s no longer helpful. Everything is not perfect in my life but the more I sit with and look at uncomfortable emotions I feel better over all and do have more control over how I behave with other people
I enjoy journaling and most of my entries are fragmented thoughts because my mind spends time going over what I’m writing about. And it’s usually a freeing feeling :)
I’m finally on the actual path of doing work instead of just acknowledging the places that I need help or to address to be able to move past my childhood trauma. I ended up buying a shadow Work handbook from Amazon that gives prompts for journaling which I think is really helpful for me in this stage because it gives me a place to start
This resonated with me a lot. When I was younger, I used to do a lot of thinking during my commutes. Sometimes I find it a bit annoying, my brain can be in a loop making up theories and going through things that happened/whatever my brain decides to make a theory about. It can get a bit exhausting. I started listening to podcasts and videos on my commute to drown my brain out.
What I get from your videos: Insightful information and a bit of humor (esp that part about making lists at a funeral lmao) while also delivering information so that your audience can actually make connections to concepts that everyone talks about. I love having such a practical approach to solving this type of problem--that is seemingly so complex. You made it seem so simple. I'm going to try not to binge watch all of your content lol. Also, can I work for you? --half joking. I like that you mentioned anthropology, I am technically an anthropologist by my bachelors degree and lose sight that it is a valuable field of study. It wasn't exactly what I want to do but I love humans, science, and research. It was a nice reminder that even though I haven't done anything with it, people like you reference studies from the field.
listening to Dr K. talk about avoiding emotional processing in order to avoid processing my emotions.
Bingo
100% 😂
The circle is complete, Brother
same
why did you have to come at me like that when Dr k already did 😂 leave me out of this 😂
I think this is why slow living has become so popular lately. People are realizing they need to slow down and allow ourselves to actually process things so we can be happier.
Great point.
The emotional dumping is something I am guilty of. There have been conversations I've had where afterward I tell myself, "You really could have just journaled all of that and it would have been easier for everyone."
Realizing it after can turn into realizing during and stopping, and that can turn into realizing sooner in and stopping, and that can turn into realizing when you’re starting and stopping- what I mean is, being aware of that is the first step to changing it, so like it’s great you’ve been realizing!
I do it all the time.
I feel you. I had (/have) issues with recognizing emotions and any slightly distressing event would make me feel like venting to someone. Regular journaling pretty much fixed it. And it's kinda fun (well, except when writing about more traumatic events but that does help a huge lot).
Hmm... I don't think is true. I think expressing things can be important because this makes things "real". (Going theoretical, I think in some sense your beliefs about the social world and morality are shaped by conversations so just because you know something is true it doesn't mean it's real for conversations).
I do think you can work out things yourself (or in therapy etc) to make things faster.
I mean some people are ok with hearing rants. As long as you give them a heads up and ask if they're ok with a rantathon, then it wasn't really a problem to them. As barfy as it is, there are some nuggets of takeaways, which can help you or even them sometimes see a new perspective.
"trying to take as little damage as possible"
Man, you nailed that. I've been let down so many times in so many ways that I don't expect things to go good, and I'm trying to just not get beat. What I keep saying is: I don't want to win any more, I just need a way to be where I'm not losing
Yup, that's the mood.
me too dude.... that comment really struck a nerve for me.
😕
The situation with the younger generation, yall don't have enough to do. Everything is handed to you. Study, build stuff, grow things, Get off social media and stop playing those fn games. Grow up .
@danitajminer3279 old man yells at clouds! Should we get off your lawn?
Losing is in the mind, not in reality, if you reframe your experiences as learning lessons, you can't and will never lose or feel disappointed. Stop putting too much pressure on you and life and just enjoy yourself and life.
My 2 cents about life seemingly getting harder... yes, I think life is objectively harder because the demand is nonstop. You can't take a break or else you're falling behind. Also, for some of us, our parents did us a disservice. Some of us grew up overprotected and sometimes I feel like I'm learning all the stuff at 29 that I was suppossd to learn at 15,16...like literally how to fail at stuff, how to date and how to express yourself, among other things. I never had enough space to learn all of that and I know I'm not alone. So now, when I have to expose myself to those things my anxiety is palpable because now there's no one to protect me (of course, I'm an adult now). But it' not like you can just flip a switch in your head and say oh now I know all that stuff! We weren't raised to be ready for this world.
This has 100% been my experience too as a similar aged person. And it's not just our parents. Kids and teens need the space to take risks and make mistakes and explore and it is literally illegal in so many places (like if my friend lets her 8 year olds walk to the park alone, that's considered neglect).
Basically throughout all time older kids and teens went around and did things and generally personed on their own. Now kids (and often even teens) are supervised constantly and everything is planned for them. They are granted no autonomy and as a result feel super anxious and depressed and also learn no life skills. I've seen it in my own experience and now that I'm a teacher I see it with my students and its infuriating.
Same boat, Im 20 and have felt mentally checked out from the world since early high school. My stepmom put an app on my phone that tracked my location, Was a keylogger ( read all my search history / received and sent texts ) and never let me go anywhere without having to beg and promise I would behave all the way until the day I moved out at 18 years old. Im so antisocial now and now i’m an adult and my parents just want to be my friend and act like it never happened and wonder why i only text back every 3 months. What the fuck do i even do to get out of this rut i dont get it. sorry for the rant I clearly didn’t take dr k’s advice in this video
Agreed. The only thing I'd like to add is that if our parents had the knowledge that these were good things to teach us, they probably would have. But they probably didn't know.
A big weight off your shoulders will be refraining from attaching an age to your identity. Or comparing yourself to the world's expectations of yourself at all. Talk about feeling left behind. But it's only ever in comparison to other people.
Word same here. Baby steps is a good answer. Start taking baby steps towards the things you want
I've been journaling for 3 years now, and I didn't realise how useful it was until reading it all back. Even skimming through random pages, you notice what you've improved, what still needs improving, and you notice patterns of behaviour, thoughts and emotions. You notice patterns you weren't even aware of, and that is a major clue of what to do differently. Change the patterns, change the outcome.
I wanted to chip in with things I’ve learned from therapy and other sources.
I Think the key to emotional processing is to treat your emotions as information, sit for a moment with no distractions and name the emotion you feel. Keep trying to label it. Some might need multiple labels. After you figure out each emotion ask yourself why you feel this way. Any answer works, if you truly cannot find why, just acknowledge you feel that way. The last step is to lay the feelings to rest, acknowledge their existence, thank your mind for letting you know then contextualize how you emotions fit with reality. Be sure to look for physical tells of emotions such as quivering lips, sweaty palms, chest pressure etc.
Example: what am I feeling? Is it anger? No,I feel a pressure in my chest, I usually feel that when I am sad. Okay why am I sad? Im sad because my friend invalidated my feelings earlier. Okay does my friend usually care about my feelings? Yes they do, but it still hurt. I will have a conversation about with them when I get time.
In my experience the emotions will generally fade as long as you fully acknowledge them for what they want to tell you. Once you know what it wants you to know or explore it will fade much more quickly.
This should be one of the top comments
do you think that this works for those with aphantasia (or a lack of the minds eye)? i don't think I'm able to necessarily "talk to my brain" like you say in your comment. I was just curious, but I could also have undiagnosed adhd or something else that inhibits my ability to focus on my emotions like you say.
yo this is legit good shit
@@Shlippies Journaling would be a good replacement for that
im genuinely glad this works for you and surely many others, but for me honestly i can't see that working. i just don't understand this concept. over the years i've learned why i feel the way i feel, i can pinpoint specific situations in life that have resulted in a plethora of mental issues i struggle with today. in a very logical way i have learned things about myself and i can perfectly see why it is the way it is but the problem is that acknowledging the existence of all of that just makes me sadder. how is one supposed to just let those feelings go by acknowledging them.
I've lived in a lot of anachronistic settings (like ancestral peoples 100s years ago), and it *really changes one's psychology*
I worked at a summer camp - some 325 humans, 75 of whom live and work together 24/6. Even as an introvert, I LOVED being around people all the time, because our interactions were face-to-face and authentic. "How are you doing?" lead to genuine conversations. All the time. Our job was to help raise children in the woods, and everyday had rewarding experiences we shared with other human beings. I had far more emotional/mental energy to expend, even though I was using so much more of it to be social 24/6.
I did a season of trail construction & habitat restoration. I'm convinced now that hard manual labor is the best social bonding mechanism. Even the days when I was consistently physically uncomfortable - hauling boulders in 90 degree heat and dripping in sweat - I felt more at peace then most days when I do comfortable things. I was with like-minded people collaborating on a meaningful project.
I think there are a lot of aspects of how ancient people lived their lives that had tremendous mental health benefits the likes of which we are just getting to understand via the lens of modern cognitive science.
as a fellow introvert, I have never felt more satisfied than when doing manual labor together with people, with a goal. I went on a trip to work on sustainable farming in indigenous communities in Panama and I met so many types of people. I felt true community and had no problem socializing then.
What were the names of these camps and settings you worked at?
@@Anotherhumanexisting @victoriamccauley8548 You've got me interested as well!
@@Anotherhumanexisting idk about youth camps or anything like that, but if you're looking for manual labor you could try your state's wildlife conservation corps. It's seasonal work so they're always hiring and a lot of the jobs have benefits
I saw a video of an Asian-American guy who was depressed, & he went to live with hunter gatherers in Africa. He said his depression went away while he was with them & he was the happiest he had ever been, even though they lived very rough & difficult lives.
It's weird how I ALWAYS loved to 'just chill a bit'. I.e. give me place to sit and stare into the distance for like half an hour. It makes me happy. Not only do I feel better afterwards but I'm content in that moment. But from a young age on most people, if not everyone, around me tried to wean me off doing that. Either by directly stating I should rather be 'properly using my free time' or by just making those moments less enjoyable with little snarky remarks. Which only lead to me constantly questioning myself during that bit of time that should have been relaxing.
oh my god same
Yes being bored and just doing nothing from time to time is very important. But doing nothing is associated with laziness, so yeah...
I relate. Sitting under a tree in the park, riding the bus for a while, sitting on the couch staring out the window... I love that and I think I used to do it a lot more in the past but I also get the feeling that people regard me as a little weird for doing it. Yet these same people often tell me they are distressed from their thoughts and that they would rather run away from them or distract themselves. Maybe those two things are correlated
I’m 30 and still working on this, parents, peers, teachers, bosses, etc all shame you for relaxing… now I realize relaxing is more productive than not because the brain needs to recharge. I would destroy myself in college to meet deadlines while I worked 2-3 jobs at a time, but it still wasn’t enough for anyone. I barely got by and I sacrificed so much.
@@schlaubischlumpf211 never feel bad for being able to relax, the same people who comment on that is the same people who's been on edge for the last ten years and their brain sees relaxation as something bad for their 'productivity'. It's a real disease these days, some people can't even be silent around someone for more than five seconds without feeling awkward, same phenomena imo. They don't give space for their slower emotional processing, and therefor it's only go go go.
“Everything has to be perfect because you can’t afford the loss.”
Man, you’re a genius!
Thansk a million for these videos.
When I realized that video scrolling and compulsive gaming were preventing me from processing my emotions I was finally able to shift away from them and into slower activities. The one that's really been a benefit is doing a puzzle. It hits the dopamine button just enough to be a step down drug while also not occupying my mind. I can't say that I actively "think about" what's bothering me but it's able to happen naturally in the background and I've already made some important realizations. "Idleness" in the form of playing cards with actual cards, puzzles, gardening, or baking definitely helps me calm down the feels by letting them process and I get something done which lets me feel accomplished even if it's not a priority accomplishment
This. Try some chess, man.
Puzzle is a great idea!
I love playing cards with actual cards. I'm going to add puzzles with actual pieces. Thanks.
Maybe I do the same when I'm cleaning up the dishes.
Hahaha
@@gatheringmoss5726 cards with cards is another I started doing again. Blessings
This video is amazing because a lot of the "self help" community recommend you these things. The problem is that they don't tell you why. There is no explanation as to why a walk without music/audiobooks or distractions is helpful. It's just -- go for walks. There is no explanation about journaling -- it's just about telling you to journal. They only tell you to avoid Netflix, Tiktok, video games etc, because it's bad. But they don't go deeper than that, which this video so eloquently did.
In my particular case I've been journaling on and off for over a decade, but like Dr. K said, I mostly did surface journaling because I didn't like evoking certain emotions. I recently made it a point to use this to become better and to become more aware. It has been, without exaggeration, life changing.
The game-changer for me was meditation and therapy. I have been to therapy for years, but I would go into therapy with this facade that prevented me to get to the root cause. Even then I did improve, but I would say that in a few years I improved marginally. After learning how to meditate and be able to do so consistently I was able to slowly drop those masks that prevented me from truly expressing myself. That is when I began to improve rapidly.
Now I'm not going to sit here and say I've figured it all out. I still have issues with dopaminergic traps, and I still have to work on on certain aspects. The thing that I learned in all this is that you don't improve uniformly. In some cases you improve a lot and in others much slower. My focus now is to improve in general to be the best person I can be, but thanks to Dr. K I've found the baseline to be able to allow myself to do so. Five years ago that would seem like a pipe dream. I'm truly grateful for that.
Man I resonate with the mask part so much, it's actually so exhausting
I think this happens with a lot of things. Oftentimes people don’t fully understand how to articulate the whys of these things themselves or they don’t want to spend the time and/or energy required to do so. This often happens when people will say something is offensive or politically incorrect without explaining why, leaving people who aren’t already in the know confused
I have been thinking a lot recently on general self help recommendations that people say or just general advice/support form friends or people. There is a lot of it that goes around but no one ever seems to elaborate on them. They are never really explained on why they are important or help. It feels like its just something a lot of us say to people to get them by but no one really knows how they work either. Its nice to finally find some answers.
That's really great for you, I'm happy you're in a better place :) comments like these help people gain hope for their future
learning about emotion processing really saved me. Every night and morning I was saddled with so much negative shit. Then I allowed myself to go idle and FEEL these emotions. It's uncomfortable as hell, but then you realise that the emotions will go away after they've been heard
That's true. Did your life change from this? I never I numbed with gaming all my life and now Im giving idle time and sitting with emotions
Well I've been journaling for 6 years now. I want to share with the community here my experience about it.
1. Once I've started I did not know how to do it 'the right way', but what I understand now, that there is no 'right way'. I think you just need to develop it.
2. My writing and form of journaling have changed through the years. At the start I just joted down some things, now I write full pages about my day and about my emotions. I have learnt more about myself, my emotions and how they work in the duality of body and mind.
3. Going through the years I think I found the best way to do it for myself. So I guess we should think that journaling is a skill and thorugh time you get better at it.
4. There is no feedback for journaling. There is no boss or manager who would pat you on the shoulder or evaluate what you wrote. You are the person.
5. I cannot describe it scietifically, but there is some kind of an emotional and physical loop between writing and thinking. When I feel fucked up and write it down, I somehow feel better, somehow I find other pov's at the problem. Just Idle thinking helps too, being mindful about it of course. But then again the loop between physical activity and mind is more interesting and sometimes it works better.
6. Being very radically open about yourself on paper. That I guess correlates with being open in other levels too. No one need to read it just you. Sometimes it is hard to admit to yourself stuff that bothers, so writing mitght help.
7. It helps to dvelope creative ideas.
8. You can talk to yourself there on paper.
9. Very good and realiable to track progress.
I'm just sad that nobody can give me a master's degree in journaling. I've spent lots of time on it. Though I recommend doing it.
I've gotten a lot better at processing uncomfortable emotions over the last few months. For example, today, I started the day and I could tell my nervous system was dysregulated. Later in the morning, I released this pent up anxiety and dysregulation by crying in bed. Then I started work and as the day has gone on, my mood has improved and now I feel pretty good, my nervous system is relaxed.
For context, in the past, I'd consider a day where I cried once to be ruined, there must be something seriously wrong. Now, I am happy to allow myself to cry if I need and I actually feel better for it afterwards.
The tools I used for this are the: Emotions wheel (comfortable and uncomfortable [avoid labelling emotions as 'bad' and 'good']) and the Needs wheel.
Write down the emotions your feeling in a moment and label them 1-10 on the level of intensity that you're feeling the emotion.
Once you've done this, go to the Needs wheel and look at what you need in that moment to feel better, or at least feel like your nervous system feels regulated and you're on an emotional even keal.
I hope this helps others out there.
There's a needs wheel?
Sounds like a very clinical and distanced way you handle emotions
This is great!! Going to try this!
@@bruhdabones there's nothing wrong with that and it clearly helps them. this is a normal way to process emotions and therapists often recommend it. your comment sounds judgmental and invalidating. im not sure if that was your intent, but that's how it came off.
@@cornbone I had no clue that anyone would recommend such a framework for understanding internal emotions. The amount of structure it builds up just to reach a verrrrry basic level of understanding is incredible. Maybe that’s my neuro-typical brain speaking, but never in a million years would I learn that I need to cry by first observing a “disregulated” nervous system. If it works for OP, amazing. That’s cool. It’s just a foreign and unwieldy framework to me
Notes for myself:
- Historically emotional processing happens during idle time mentally while doing rote labor such as repairing fishing nets which require no mental tax. Idle mental time is essential to emotional processing.
- In recent years trauma is suppressed by dopaminergic distractions and never healed or processed. Therefore it builds up and trauma dumps occur.
- Deeper emotional work helps process big batches of emotional processing which requires time, space and exploration and all of this can be done in higher quantity and higher density with mental health professionals such as therapists.
- Asking insightful questions lead to deep emotional work.
- Discover what you really want
- Action Steps: Journal (Write about emotionally charged/engaging good or bad experiences, Write about what happened in the situation, this week or today, Goal is to use journaling as idle time to process rather than pros and cons lists or to dos), Work with a professional, Rote physical activity with idle mental time without a goal in mind (Hiking, Walks, Journaling, Locking yourself in your room, etc)
This should be way upper
Locking yourself in your room, what the f 21 3 11?
i started hiking again this summer and realized that was exactly what was missing in my life. idle time, it's in those repetitive physical motions that my mind can wander off and process everything i went through. went on a 6 week hike and that helped aaaaaaaaalot. at one point u just get tunnel vision and you can finally think about everything clearly, whilst enjoying awesome views. that's the same with swimming, or any kind of physical task. i guess that's why dads love to mow the lawn so much.
Meditation in motion…can be as simple as walking/hiking or more involved like mountain biking or snowboarding. Once you hit that state and start operating on autopilot, the healing begins.
I used to hike so much as a teenager and I miss it so much. But as an adult it's really hard to find uninterrupted 6 hours of time where I can just lose myself in the woods and not end up behind on work or school or housework. I hate our late capitalist dystopia.
I find weed plays the physical exaustion/headspace string but with the feely good it doesn't really work unless your well disciplined. Hense why people get hooked on it
@@thomasferris3750 true! i took a big pause on weed after doing it every day in my early 20's and now i got a pretty healthy grip on it. doing it like maybe 1-2 times a week and only in the evening, or when i'm rewarding myself for something. then it feels like the first time again. the deep thinking, appreciation for friends and family and life in general. i hate the steoretype of the lazy weed guy only sitting on the couch playing video games, but if you find a healthy balance it can work wonders on your mental health.
People have gotten so used to distracting themselves from their emotions that they are increasingly scared to reflect, feel and process them properly.
This is why meditation and quitting social media helps people feel better - because it gives them space and time to declutter and process their emotions
NTS: 1) journalling - write about emotionally engaging experiences (both good and bad experience), or just jot down thoughts = to provide time and space for mind to automatically process
2) therapy vs coaching/spirituality
3) rote physical activity like hiking, etc to give space (idle time) for mind to process
good advice
idle time is amazing!
How does physical activity process emotions?
@@sneakerbabeful i think be because it causes your brain to release 'feel good' chemicals like endorphins and serotonin that help improve your mood
@@sneakerbabeful physical activity like hiking doesn't require conscious effort, so it frees your mind to think about other things. And if your mind will naturally think about feelings that it needs to process.
Dr K, you are correct about the processing. I have had 6+ years of non-stop major life events, from the tragic death of my husband and subsequent legal battle of his estate to my mother’s cancer to my brother’s death to a global pandemic to being laid off to political unrest. I don’t feel like I’ve had the time to process. I do journal and it definitely helps. Somethings just don’t much sense anymore.
Dana, my heart goes out to you. Wish I could give you a hug. My condolences is all I can give. You are pretty inspiring. ❤
i've never really thought too much about mental idleness vs physical idleness. i know that being idle is hard and that i feel the need to do something at all costs, but i always focused on not being mentally idle by distracting myself on social media or stuff like that, while neglecting the physical most of the time. being mentally idle isn't exactly being idle, and i think i should try remembering that a little more, because being mentally idle and physically active seems 100% better than the alternative
Maybe this is why knitting can be so soothing
Hands down, I was just thinking I should go back to knitting. A few times a week. Even just doing chores is good enough no? I can't do anything without music though.
These videos always come at a perfect time for me. I grew up in a shitty, abusive household where nobody gave a fuck about how you were feeling. Nobody talked about emotions. You just had to either take it or "figure it out." This obviously wasn't a recipe for success in terms of making friends -- on top of learning that I'm neurodivergent and was already going to struggle socially, even if my home life was "normal."
I'm in a new relationship after years of shitty, abusive ones and, honestly, the second-best thing for me ever (the first being therapy) is learning how to slow down, listen to my partner, and learn to how to handle my emotional state before shit hits the fan. I'm learning what conversations to have, what conversations not to have, and how to separate my past trauma from her behavior rather than (impulsively) reacting. This is the best romantic relationship I've ever had and it's a day-by-day thing that I have to work at; it's nice, though, to be rewarded with someone's love and patience with me because I've never really had that before in my life.
Tangentially related, but as a young(ish) teacher (I work with middle schoolers) I've seen a lot of emotional perfectionism in both my own life and my students' lives. I spent a ton of time when I was younger (and still some now) really fixated on having positive emotional experiences and making sure everyone around me was also having positive emotional experiences. Which is of course devastating because its not sustainable and also a useless goal.
I've worked really hard to overcome that and so its hard to see my students struggling with emotional perfectionism as well, but the longer I've been in the classroom the more I've realized that they feel that way and I felt that way because so many of the adults in the their lives are trying to build emotional experiences for kids where they don't feel anxiety or anguish or embarrassment. And it makes everything 1000% worse because 1. kids then learn that having negative emotions is an emergency and 2. kids rarely get the opportunity to process or work through their emotions.
Recently I've been trying to give my students more space to fail socially and emotionally process those interactions and its been challenging because I feel like that's the wrong thing to do in the moment. But I've been continually impressed by my students emotional resiliency and how they process and come back from interactions that seemed to me as an observer to be low key social emergencies (and probably would have become them if I had interfered).
Wow kudos to you, that seems so difficult. I remember when I was in school social interaction felt like something I had to get perfectly right every single time or I would die in that game and there would be no extra lives. I would be doomed to permanent exclusion. I needed friends but other people had other friends and did not need me and were ready to drop me as soon as I became an inconvience. Honestly I really wish teachers had intervened more and told my classmates that their behavior is unacceptable. Later I learned that in a lot of cultures shunning someone for non moral reasons is indeed considered antisocial and unacceptable behavior. Do you think this is a common experience or just me?
That's amazing! Can you elaborate and/or give examples. Many of us are having those same realizations in our late 20's and early 30s and trying to create those healthier learning experiences and attitudes for our own kids at home so it's less required of teachers in school and just so my kids are better equipped for the world. Any resources that helped you accomplish this would be great to know about!
Amazing comment!
I just started with a new therapist and you’re framing the things he’s said in ways I better understand. Thank you!
I am 25 years old. I learned to cognitively dissociate from my emotions when I was under 10 years old. I don't need external stimulus to not feel. Having recently learned that this is my primary reason for unhappiness, I have taken up the journey of day by day trying to feel those 15 years worth of unfelt feelings. I'm guessing it will take 5 to 10 years, if I'm hardworking and lucky.
Wish you the best of luck on your journey, hopefully with people like DrK it will be a lot easier !
From another 15 year sufferer, I wish you the best!
@@konstaConstant it's exponential healing, not linear
Thing can change quicker than you think. Could take 10 years. Could take 1.
@@catherinesaunders6266 that's incredibly depressing.
This makes so much sense. There are studies made on people walking the Camino de Santiago route. Most of the pilgrims these days don't do it for religious reasons but rather for spiritual reasons. There's quite a large number of people who have a sense of looking for something, and trying to process through feelings and experiences. It can be a very life-changing experience both mentally and physically.
see i've been wanting to do a mauna (stay alone in the forest without any belongings) for years but my dad talked me out of it like "you're gonna die of starvation" and it really put me off. but also, yeah kinda scary. how do i get food lol. but, it's a very important spiritual undertaking, similar to a pilgrimage or a vow of silence that some christian monks do.
the goal is to not be in contact with other humans and just be one with nature for a month or so. slowly your mind will stop thinking in language and religious people would be able to refer to it as "meeting god".
i'd be scared to die from starvation or hypothermia during the night
This! I went on one of the ways (Caminho Portugues) and it was a phenomenal experience for my mental health. Previously, I tried to recover from burnout and a depressive episode for over half a year but that 2 weeks of pilgrimage did more for me than anything else I tried. Highly recommend some form of long hike or pilgrimage for anyone who feels lost in life.
I think the idea that all pilgrims are the same. I mean, each one has their stories but all of them are walking the same path. It's nature, an activity you don't need to think much, your anonymous company and yourself. Sounds healing because it's not a competition.
@@transsexual_computer_faery
The Camino de Santiago has many stops and places to stay besides beautiful romanic churches. It's not like you are in the middle of nowhere. Google it if you don't believe me. I'm sure there are a whole bunch of pages in English about it.
This is also why darkness and silent meditation retreats are so popular now in popular culture. The Vipassana (10 day silent meditations) are free and held all over the world. I intend to go one day. Right now I am building my Tai chi practice.
11:20 that’s the time stamp … at 11:27 he has hit us with the alpha ‘our lives are filled with hits we don’t take the time to process’ perfectly said
Distraction = avoidance of processing emotions. The mind on “autopilot” is an apt analogy. Good point on the effectiveness of coaches and the value of deep emotional work.
Oh my, this is so accurate. Instead of processing my emotions I go to youtube to watch news and crap. The next morning I'm still tired with no awesome ideas for solving the issues.
Same boat, distracting ourselves feels "good" in a way, even if we know is non efficient in the long run. Maybe it had its purpose and helped us distance ourselves traumatic events and our brain did know better.
I say it's a good thing that we have the self awareness to at least aknowledge that we have a problem. The next part is trying to fix what we can, which can be scary and uncertain. It wil be a journey
I’ve believed for years that a lack of idle time on both a social and an individual scale are and will be disastrous for the world. I make a point of having time every day where my mind is just there… doing nothing in particular. It’s really helpful for forcing perspective on my most prominent feelings or worries or frustrations.
I was so depressed and had no idea beyond being sad. I can't say exactly how long I've felt that way, but I wanted to thank you for providing me an avenue to open and explore mental health without stigma and through a child's eyes.
Zoloft has legit changed my life, I was able to take the initiative to heavily stretch my muscles, enough for my spine to mostly correct itself on its own, after having slouched into a pretty severe hunch over my 30 years on this earth.
I'm standing up straight and looking to the horizon thanks in part to you. Thank you very very much 🙏
This made me realize that I was always distracting myself by listening to music no matter what I was doing. No wonder I have trouble sleeping at night when the music is off. I think I'll try going on walks with no music and experience this mental idleness.
Did it work?
@@champagneprincess4 I guess so, but not in a direct way. Walking with no music led me to pay more attention to my body as I walked. I ended up noticing that I was mouth breathing when I started getting tired. After watching more YT videos I've been making conscious effort to only breath through my nose all the time. This has improved the quality of my sleep, which I think is aiding my ability to process emotions. Maybe focusing on nasal breathing 24/7 is somehow meditative for me and that's another reason why it's working. I wouldn't say I'm 100% feeling amazing all the time now, but I can tell that I'm getting back to a good baseline. That's been my journey so far after watching this video. I hope you can glean something from this to help yourself!
Recently I started walking home from work when I've had a rough day and always found it made me feel more 'recovered' from the day - the worse the day, the more I found myself just walking with no podcast or music or anything. Hearing about the value of idle time just opened my eyes to why! It's like I knew on some level I needed that.
I think working out/going to the gym is a great way to help you process your emotions - a lot of the time you spend racking weights and doing lifts, you're able to process past events. Could partially explain why people that exercise have better mental health
It's not life that's getting worse; it's life in the US that's getting worse. I arrived in Thailand a couple of weeks ago to visit my sister. I was in a horrible state from the stress of life in the US. It took me a week to start feeling relaxed. She's living a carefree life away from the US and now I see why she left. I had been on a stress roller coaster for months just trying to take care of basic life endeavors and get a decent night's sleep, while worrying constantly about being able to afford the skyrocketing prices. The US is a stressful place to live and the citizenry is suffering because of that toxicity. It's such a stark difference in the quality of life, that I've decided to move to Thailand as well. It's THAT much better.
Capitalism will eventually transform every place on earth a shit hole just like the US
That sounds wonderful! Could you elaborate a bit on what exactly is so much more relaxing? All the best for your move and I hope everything turns out as you wish for :)
@@speedyspeedgirl1778 i think its the culture! dont get me wrong developing countries have issues too that need improving...but they also dont have that hustle culture where ppl are set to over compete with each other...food sources are cheaper, physical activitiies are better, & more idle time and less technology around you.
Yeah I feel similarly, I couldn't pinpoint exactly what it is that makes life here pretty insufferable, but whenever I've been out of the country I've felt very relaxed and more "at home" than back in the states. Something's up with this place.
Yeah its why i want to move to the South lol. A mass a good amount of money and move. I least ill get a check every month from the US and convert it into foreign money for more.
I think this is partially why art (including some video games) has become so important to me. I have GAD so even when I'm doing nothing, I'm still constantly in my head, thinking and analyzing. I honestly don't know how to process or even allow myself to feel emotion. Art allows me to get in touch with some those emotions in one way or another.
Last year I played The Last Of Us 1&2 for the first time. Being confronted with those dark, complex topics and emotions was such an impactful experience that really defined 2022 for me.
Same....but I would play video games constantly. Now I find it reversed, I start getting a bit more anxious when I stay on them for a while, any ideas or tips?
@chaoswraith you recognise that your gaming habits are unhealthy and possibly damaging. Try reducing or abstaining from gaming.
Just like when our body is injured, we must give it time to rest in order to recover, we must give our minds time to recover when they are injured. Constant distraction is exerting to the mind. And just like if we continued to exercise on sprained ankle it would not heal as well or as quickly as it should and may even lead to chronic pain, continuing to exert our minds when we have something hurting us emotionally or psychologically will not allow our minds to heal and recover from that pain. At least that's what I took away from this video. Thanks Dr. K. This video really helped give me some perspective.
I'm commenting to help get this video out there so ignore the rant, but the fact that I was absolutely livid the entire time you were talking is how I know you're right. My life isn't quite as convenient, by design, I choose to work outdoors and I have the luxury of choice yet I still complain constantly. I constantly ignore my emotional state and then vitch, moan, and complain when I'm in a bad mood... Which is all the time because I refuse to acknowledge my basic necessities as a person. Good video
It's great to learn when you're participating in some activity because you need a rest vs looking for a distraction. I've come to realize a lot of the times I turn on a video game, open a beer, or hop on Reddit, it's not because I actually want to engage with those things at the time but more I just don't want to deal with my emotions. But other times I feel emotionally stable and just want to wind down with those things. It's definitely important to be able to just sit alone with your thoughts without a side task going on. It's ok to feel things and ok to sit back and process things. Even if it's an xp waste. Mental health has to come first. Cheers everyone. Keep up the good work. We got this!
Agreed. Not all the activities are inherently wrong/bad/unhealthy. Context matters.
I really was living under the impression that I'm one of the very few people who get more and more hurt as the life goes on, they way you worded this struggle describes me very accurately. It's so good to know what's behind it and have a tangible way of making things better, I wouldn't suspect it was unprocessed emotions that made the life so difficult! I'm genuinely so grateful for this video, this is that kind of an insight I was searching, without exaggeration, for years. Thank you.
It annoys me that I tell my husband this and I've been telling him this for years. I always say that just like when you leave your laptop open and it does background checks that the brain needs the same. He doesn't get it. But he watches this video and gets it instantly. Thank you though, you got through to him.
This explains why planning fun events (for example with friends) seem to be followed by a negative day or few days. They require energy to plan, I get to experience a lot of emotions in a short timeframe, but after that I don't have idle time to process those emotions. So negative as well as positive emotions pile up for processing; they don't cancel each other out!
Hey Dr K. Just wanted to comment to say your videos have given me the confidence to reach out and start counselling. I really appreciate the content you make and how it helps people.
Dr K,
I’m in love with your channel, your work, your personality, your approach to explaining everything in such an amazing way that really hits the core of what I am doing and how I think about it. Im changing my ways and bad habits with your tools and sensibility and practical explanations.
My lifelong addictions to pot, to isolation, to not helping myself with living now;
I am growing thanks to you. Im almost 50 and there’s no time like now to live in a healthy way.
Thank you
This 25 minute video was more helpful than the 7 years of therapy I did.
As an avid lifelong journaler, I'd love to share a few more tips!
- make the experience of journaling enjoyable, yet easy. Watching videos of other people with their bullet journals is a great way to get inspired, but be careful not to compare yourself or expect your journal to be as "aesthetic" as theirs. Personally, I like to invest in beautiful fountain pens, fun inks, and high quality paper to make the experience enjoyable.
- experiment with different journal formats! Over the years I've tried hardbacks, paperbacks, spiral bounds, lined paper, dot paper, digital, etc... Try different sizes too. The format I'm using now is looseleaf blank paper, which I put into a folder I've labeled "journal" when I'm done.
- don't pressure yourself to complete a journal. If continuing your journaling habit requires you to buy a new journal, do it. No guilt.
- the only rule is THERE ARE NO RULES
- do whatever you need to do to make it easy
- but also, if you need some guidance, you can find amazing journaling prompts online! Find a list, and go with the first one that you find thought provoking.
- make sure you go back and read your old journals sometimes. It can be really hard to do, but I've found it to be very healing.
The distraction part is true
I have been actively trying to distraction myself to suppress my emotions instead of allowing myself to feel with it just because I don't like dealing with the negative emotions. This year I'm learning it's better to just let it out sometimes. I started doing mindful meditation and I noticed that during that time I'm not distracting myself the emotions I end up suppressing does come out in some of those moments
What you describe is how I have been feeling for the last 10 years, in regards to both my job and family life.
The video has given me some insights to think about, so thank you for that!
YES, journaling really helped me for years. You perfectly articulated why people resist journaling AND how to journal effectively. For those interested it’s at 19:00
Woah thank you for this. Struggled with depression forever & am recovering. Breaking up with my partner of 4 years today and this couldn't have come at a better time. Gotta accept and then opposite-action the negative feelings. It'll be a process for sure
how did you recover from depression
@sirprize5191 I probably misrepresented that with "recover." More-so rebounding, as in my situation the depression comes and goes for bouts of up to a few months at a time. But I went through a dialectic behavioral therapy (DBT) program, and that helped immensely. DBT gives you a concrete toolbox of ways to deal with crises, how to process your emotions, how to communicate with others appropriately, how to look at situations through a regulated lens vs a depressive lens. I would highly recommend looking into a DBT program.
I also opened up to my small support system (close friend and my sister) and we found ways to signal that I'm going through a rough time/need them to just force me outside with them/need them to leave me alone.
And I started taking lamotrigine 200mg, which is traditionally an anti-epilepsy drug, but aids in mood stabilization. I think it helps, but I'd say the most helpful thing is that DBT toolkit.
This is probably the best video so far. The problem is shared by everyone. The solution is accessible to everyone. The source of these issues are shared by almost everyone. And it's the most reoccurring road we'll come across. It's a fundamental building block to mental wellness.
It just clicked with me what everyone means when they talk about doing "nothing" on vacation. I've always been someone who "fills" their vacations to the brim with stuff to do. But the nothing version suddenly sounds super tempting.
Love this. As an autistic person this was so great to see. I used to be so afraid of my house work and chores and after a life changing experience at exposure therapy these same chores have now become my processing time which speaks to the mundane task focusing/rote physical activity point Dr. k mentioned. I do want to add however that a huge factor in this concept (might apply heavier to me as an ASD’er that has above avg sensory sensitivities) is that you need to be RELAXED and calm during the activity. Hitting the gym if it’s in any way mentally/cognitively taxing, or even emotionally charging will not do the trick. This is why activities in nature as Dr. k mentioned is so therapeutic for many ppl incl myself. There is an inherent soothing effect it has on humans so hikes and walks are perfect. Also why I wasn’t able to use housework as processing time previously bc of the anxiety associated with it but now can. It doesn’t have to be too complicated but as long as you’re relaxed, not super distracted, and have some kind of mundane physical component that’s really all it takes.
Thank you for this video as the lack of emotional process time expected of us in this world truly was a huge reason I almost gave up as an ASD’er! I also appreciate that you highlighted how therapy may or may not always be what everyone needs bc I -like many ppl with ASD - have also not just received poor results from therapy but have actively been harmed on occasion by it. And I really thought there was nothing else out there for me and that it was my fault. Thank you for always having something for everyone and being so woke! Much appreciation from a fellow Indian-American too it makes me proud :)
Dr. K, thank you for this lecture. This whole video perfectly explains the last 4 months of my life and everything that was in my head. That's exactly why I started doing pizza delivery at a local shop. If you live somewhere nice and the weather is nice, I highly recommend it for emotional processing. I think many (mainly low-stress) jobs can become socially and physically demanding (giving you idle time to process) as long as you just hold your head up high, keep a smile on your face, say yes to everything, and just focus on all of the positives. People start to like being around you, you start to feel a sense of warmth from life, and tons of experiences/lessons get thrown your way. It's wonderful if it all works out, maybe I'm just lucky.
I wish you all the best on your journeys!
Dr. K has the super power of giving these videos just at the right time lol
There's a lot of things I've been needing to turn over in my head, and with finals at school it's hard to really dig into them.
Yesterday, I had an arm wrestle with my friends for fun. The first month of school, I could beat pretty much all of them. My arms were fuller, I felt sturdier.
But this time, 4 months later, I lost every time. Didn't stand a chance.
I'm withering away, quite literally. I don't eat properly. And just something like having that arm wrestle just triggered a blow that hit me with all these thoughts and feelings at once.
I was sitting in the school's general meeting, and I felt like I was going to break down. I can't keep living off of tiny yogourt cups and dumplings. I have a full meal that hits most of my food groups maybe once every four days. The rest I'm more worried about keeping up calories.
I have some vitamin gummies that are the only reason why I'm not dealing with any deficiencies, except for protein. My aunt only eats chicken in her salads, my vegan cousin just got back to the house, there's nothing for me besides the single serving cups.
I'm already living there for free, the guilt I feel when just contemplating asking her for meat is enough for me to push it aside.
Anyway, I really did break down over it yesterday. My muscles shrank away, and I have no energy to work out.
I got home, and what I ended up doing, instead of doing my work, I just laid on the floor. For a good while. Pure silence.
I find, when I am really freaking out, I lay on the floor. Going for a walk would be nice too, but after being out in the cold for an hour and change just coming back home, it's not often something I'm in the mood for.
I really do feel better after doing this, and watching this video I realized it's because I'm actually taking time to process my feelings.
It's a kind of depressing way to do it I'm sure (from and outside perspective it must look sad lol)
I'll either lay on the floor, or just quietly do something with my hands while I think.
Helps a lot in times like these. After winter break I'm getting a job again, so I can buy my own food.
I like to lay on the floor too. Without any mattress or a pillow. It is helpful. If i do it outside, i would spend time laying on a flat and wide cemented bench, and observe the clouds moving against the blue/gray sky.
Dr K. Please read! The reason for the trend of things getting harder- the working class world wide is simply getting squeezed harder and harder as time goes by at the macro level. This needs to be taken into account!
Yes. This needs to be acknowledged. It does not discount anything he said about processing emotions. But without that incredibly important context you lose credibility.
You must do both.
@@markcarey8252 agreed abso
Fully agree, that said there have been vastly harder times in the past where people have been happier, I've seen people find real peace and happiness whilst falsely on death row, bad circumstances tend to take advantage of the holes on your mental health, but it doesn't *create* those holes, they where always there but nothing was taking advantage of them
Honestly your tip to just „idle“ and take away tech and other distraction works like a charm. I put away every electronic device and cooked something ate in silence and had a blast while thinking about the things I usually cant sleep because of.
Sorry for my grammar mistakes
Okay this is amazingly synchronized I've been dealing with lots of emotions lately and wow what a great timing! Thanks Dr.K
We love avoidance. Now that we're used to not processing our emotions and trauma when something happens that triggers those feelings we feel like something is *wrong* so we do everything we can to avoid feeling that way. We have to accept and commit to our emotions. I love ACT therapy for this.
I've heard of this idleness exercise before and have been practicing it. Let me tell you, the first time I did this 7 years ago and went to bed, I woke up so energetic and refreshed that I felt like a new person, literally. Been practicing it ever since.
What did you do? Journaling?
@@edwardhisse2687 I sat down and gave my thoughts space to flow. You've heard the phrase "Mind is a monkey"? I just let the monkey go wherever it wanted to, while observing it.
Like the memes where your brain plays a CD of your most embarrassing memories, your worst decisions etc .. You just let the brain do it and allow youself to experience the thoughts and emotions that come along the way. Simply listen to your thoughts and emotions wherever they go.
Simply put, do what you would do if you had nothing to do and had no means if entertainment or distraction. Imagine yourself limbs tied, in an empty doorless/ windowless room. It's ok to sleep if you feel sleepy during this process.
@@edwardhisse2687.
Is this the one where you just stare at a wall and sit there with your thoughts? I remember Dr. K mentioned this on one of his previous videos. I cant remember if its related to emotional processing.
@@rogu3dog in my experience, emotional processing becomes a part of the process if you are idle for long enough. You would'nt have control over which emotions get brought up tho. It's sor of random.
Emotional processing today vs in the past made sense, as you explained.
That's one of the reasons physical and concrete activities make you feel better.
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Thanks!
The timing of this video is incredible for me. I've been figuring out some emotional stuff lately and it's great to hear some insightful professional advice on the topic and to get reassured that I'm on the right track. Thank you!
I used to watch a lot of Dr.K before, loved it aswell. I never had any problems of any sort. Then I had a huge thing happen and I haven't been okay for more than a year. And since then I couldn't watch another Dr.K video now that I had my own problems. This is the first one I've watched since and it feels weird, kind of proud in a way that I could watch another video like this.
Hooray
Congrats on achieving what may seem like a small thing, but it shouldn't be minimized. Sometimes I can be important to confront your issues head-on. They can feel very uncomfortable, but my opinion that means that it's something that you were growing from.
@@MKULTRA_Victim_ @Spleemce Thank you kind strangers :)
It is astounding the amount of suffering and heartbreak that is taking place in this world. It’s like an abyss. Everyone please try to stay positive. 💛
I'm so angry. This is exactly the thing I've been complaining about with therapy. Every time I start getting into any emotion, I'm given the advice that I should just distract myself. It's the same advice from every therapist I see, between even seemingly distinct methodologies like CBT and IFS. There is no escape from the negative feelings. They accumulate and take over everything. I'm completely stuck, constantly distracting myself, and I don't have any more energy to change. I wish I had seen this video 4 years ago.
I was listening to this video while doing some deep cleaning around the house and the part about spending time performing a task to mentally process some things just seemed to perfectly click into place. I love working on small mindless tasks like cleaning and getting them done well when I need time to think.
Same…cooking and washing dishes are my usual ‘go to’ tasks. Makes sense to me now.
One detail I might add is the importance of physical exertion and the presence of some source of beauty in your life in combination with idle time/undivided focus. The nervous system excretes the energy of trauma through healthy physical action. Following the Dharma, practicing yoga, martial arts, and asceticism in general have done miracles for my mental health. As a military veteran and a human who has struggled through modernity like everyone else, I wish you all the best 🕉️
I like how the TH-cam algorithm put your "I am always stuck in my own head" video as the next recommended watch. I'm going to watch that now. As much as I agree about the importance of taking the time to process emotions (and as therapeutic that can be), I sometimes find myself perseverating over certain things. Granted, that's probably due to not properly processing the issue. Your tips about how/what to journal and the rote physical activity are helpful. Thanks!
Edit/update: I just watched the "stuck in my own head" vid and it makes so much sense especially in combination with this video. Highlighting the differences between cognitively processing and actually emotionally processing was perfect!
We lost the simplicity of life. We are bombarded will stimulation 24/7. We have things so easy that we forgot how to do the hard stuff. Advancements are great and all but they have taken away our energy to do.
Simplicity is what I long for. Give me a hard life that is simple and I can function at my best. There are to many distractions that thinking becomes muddled. I have a hard time with to much stimulus. Heck I am in complete silence most of the time. I rather hear the sounds of nature than anything else.
Yes we have lost time and space. I do know that creating is a great way to process. It's a great way to express as is writing. Most of us are walking around on overload.
Dude I became a widow in 2021 and I have two kids. I have been in a fucking hamster wheel since my husband died. I have zero time to process my grief or the ensuing emotions that have come up since then. My eldest kid just came out as trans so I’m dealing with this as well. I am so fucking overwhelmed.
Damn
A method of journaling that has helped me a lot is just writing down every good thing I do or good thing that happens throughout the day even if the only thing I write down is “made my bed” or some days “got out of bed” at the end of the day it helps keep those good things at the surface so I don’t get overwhelmed by all the bad that happens
I deleted my social medias and stopped brining my phone outside when I went out, it made me realize how powerful the human mind is. I learned so much about myself by leaving behind the distractions of using my phone for no other reason than to distract my mind.
I've been struggling with insomnia because my brain is distracted all the time and I don't have time to process until I'm trying to fall asleep. Yesterday I was sitting in the car for 5 hours on a trip and I had so much time to process and talk to my parents. I fell asleep so quickly that night after we got home, and didn't think about many things. I will keep trying to give my brain more processing time!!
Agreed. I think this is why I wake up at 3-4-5am. My brain is saying, "Hey! I'm not done with the day yet..."
I recently started pausing some videos whenever I get a thought about things that relate to me and it's been helpful processing information and my feelings without consciously being aware of what the emotions are. But when it comes to twitch and gaming videos you bet I'm gonna binge watch that stuff. That constant hunger for entertainment just to distract ourselves seems to create this circle that whenever we feel similar way again we don't know how to act and so we become servants to technology. Although this has been one of major reasons for why we feel the way we don't want to, the fact that I can just click on videos like this and help with life is really amazing all it takes is willingness and kindness to help yourself.
This is of your best videos: so simple, elegant and honest.
I stumbled upon your channel and I kid you not; I consider myself as a very fortunate person to be here
That’s the kind of wisdom I was looking for.. just blending psychology with spirituality and religious practice is absolutely an amazing thing and has been my favourite approach to learn about myself and the world we live in
Thank you Dr.K for the great content🙏🏻
One thing I'd like to add about the long-distance hiking as a way of processing: learn self-compassion first. Some hard-earned wisdom there.
You speak so much to my experience when I first started therapy - I wasn't happy with how my life had turned out, but I also couldn't risk making it any smaller... my life was so small that I couldn't think of anything extraneous left to lose. I was really self-aware in knowing what was going on (that the problem wasn't what happened to me, it was that I didn't know how to move through it), but just didn't have the tools. And honestly I think having someone in my life who cares about how I REALLY feel, was essential for my healing.
Thank you for this video.
Wow, just realized I've been watching HGgg for 2 months... watching A LOT! And shockingly I just now subscribed, I thought I would have a month ago. I can't even put to words how much you help me understand my brain and the brains of people around me! Ty for your work, you are awesome!!
Holy shit, that "every time you go out and do something, you loose a little part of yourself" is too real.
I had a traumatic event happen when I was in middle school and I journaled about it for YEARS and now, at 38, I am finally working on processing what that event and everything that came after with a therapist and I wish some one had taught me how to journal like this!
Really good points in this video! I am a logical person too and hearing that journaling is more about actually giving yourself time and space other than "solving" a problem in like a progressive almost work type of way made me think about it differently!
Out of every person I have come across on TH-cam to explain something psychologically to me. I prefer this guy not only am I interested in ADHD, but I love how this guy explains things. I love his personality. I like how fast he talks. It's just awesome. Thank god for this guy. He's my role model now. I just found his page and he's definitely my new role model
Positive win story: I ran into a dude I haven't seen in 8 months. Our last interaction face to face was really negative, and I responded by sending an angry voice message to him. When I saw him tonight I immediately apologised for what I said on messenger, and then walked away, because he wasn't interested in discussing it further. I then sat with my buddies and had a fun chat. Life is better now, and I'm more emotionally resilient, and do less impulsive actions.
I literally started tearing up because I used to journal a lot until one day my sibling violated my privacy and told my parents about what I was journaling. I have this disturbing memory of what my mother told me… she said something along the lines of if you don’t want people to find out about your secrets then don’t write it down. Today I’m going to over come this trama. I’m so grateful that I found your channel. Thank you 🙏🏾
When you talked about dreams being a form of our brain processing, it made me think about myself and how my dreams are so closely related to my present life, they are like memories to me, i can go back to dreams from months ago, even some dreams from 15+ years ago, but i never find closure through dreams unfortunately.
I've had 2 therapists and NEITHER ONE explained WHY to journal. THANK YOU!
To me it feels as if everyone tries to optimize their life to the upmost detail kind of like a video game. We can fail over and over in video games because there’s like an “okay cool cool, I know what I did wrong and how to go about it next time.” Life when we fail, we don’t know until later so it creates like a freeze in a sense of making sure that everything that leads up to that decision will be the right choice we make in that time frame.
Games with choice-based narratives can feel this way sometimes too, especially if you really don't see or don't know the implications of your choice.
This channel, combined with my therapy i've been going thru the last six months has been the best thing ever. I have never been happier, sober, not single, and hopeful for once in my adult life.....i'm 35.......i was a heroin addict from 16-34........
A damn good topic and a damn good explanation of it. It makes a lot of sense and it feels grounded and real and I can certainly resonate with some of it.
This perhaps may be the most important piece of content I've consumed from Dr. K. Thanks for putting this out there! So much value here.
I actually go on a ton of walks and with no phone and just think about stuff, do a lot of a self analysis and think about the people interact with. Sometimes I feel like this crosses over into rumination but I think I’m pretty self aware about when I have thought about something enough and it’s no longer helpful. Everything is not perfect in my life but the more I sit with and look at uncomfortable emotions I feel better over all and do have more control over how I behave with other people
I enjoy journaling and most of my entries are fragmented thoughts because my mind spends time going over what I’m writing about. And it’s usually a freeing feeling :)
most people are really struggling
I’m finally on the actual path of doing work instead of just acknowledging the places that I need help or to address to be able to move past my childhood trauma. I ended up buying a shadow Work handbook from Amazon that gives prompts for journaling which I think is really helpful for me in this stage because it gives me a place to start
This resonated with me a lot. When I was younger, I used to do a lot of thinking during my commutes. Sometimes I find it a bit annoying, my brain can be in a loop making up theories and going through things that happened/whatever my brain decides to make a theory about. It can get a bit exhausting. I started listening to podcasts and videos on my commute to drown my brain out.
I think this is why meditation and reflective journaling is so useful.
What I get from your videos: Insightful information and a bit of humor (esp that part about making lists at a funeral lmao) while also delivering information so that your audience can actually make connections to concepts that everyone talks about. I love having such a practical approach to solving this type of problem--that is seemingly so complex. You made it seem so simple. I'm going to try not to binge watch all of your content lol. Also, can I work for you? --half joking. I like that you mentioned anthropology, I am technically an anthropologist by my bachelors degree and lose sight that it is a valuable field of study. It wasn't exactly what I want to do but I love humans, science, and research. It was a nice reminder that even though I haven't done anything with it, people like you reference studies from the field.
Money. I think that's what made life feels harder. Nothing is free and even with 2-3 jobs, money is still tight.