True , they want you to think you only have to depend on them but in reality you don’t owe anyone anything. If the relationship is genuine you do things with nothing in return
They’re the helpless ones if you think about it.. without all of us suppliers, they’d be left on their own to fulfill themselves & THAT is the true hopeless cause. WE will be just fine without them.
Narcissists hijack our ability to respond to trauma, which is why we slip into helplessness and stop trying. We start believing there is no hope of getting away from our circumstances and for years, we remain trapped in this toxic cycle of abuse.
We NEED the courts to recognize narcissist abuse and not only in high profile cases. Too many of us stay in these relationships to protect our children from being alone on visitation and more isolated manipulation. Nobody wins.
I lost my whole life thinking the narcissistic environment was normal. What do u compare it to when it is all u know? Thank u 4 ur help Dr. Ramani...ur the best.
The times when you are away from abuse, the times when disagreements are handled in a civil manner, the times when you understand exactly what's going on around you and there are no unpleasant surprises or "gotchas". The times when people keep their word, where promises are kept. The times when you look forward to something good, and then look backward remembering it as good. The times when you feel included and wanted, because you are included and wanted. The times when mistakes are honest and do not become habits or receive disproportionate frustration. There are countless examples, these are just a few to get you started. No friendships or relationships are ever perfect, but you know deep down that people care, they are trying, they want what is mutually good for both of you, and when you give away your love to them, you end up having even more. ❤💛💚💙💜💟
Man, Neyra. I sure relate to this. I had a narc mom and stepdad, then a husband for many years. Throw in a boss or two and it was crazy. I don't know what healthy and whole look like for sure. But I do know one thing; when I'm not around him for a few days I adjust and go places I don't usually go. My stomach quits hurting. I sleep better. I have been able to curl up after a shower and read without all the incoming drama of attention getting behaviors. I will be thinking and praying for you path. Keep going!
For years I felt helpless at the hands of my mother. She had a strangle hold over me and controlled my every move and thought. She sewed in my mind that I should be seen and not heard and never have an opinion about anything. I should keep my mouth shut and not say anything. And I never felt more helpless in my life. But now that I’m able to stand up to my narcissistic mother, I no longer feel that helplessness I once did. And she can rot for what she’s done to me in my life. For all the times she manipulated me, guilt tripped me, shamed me, called me insane, physically and verbally abuse me. It’s really sad when I at 21 years old just recently became self aware to narcissism and realizing that I am a victim of narcissistic abuse especially by my mother. And to deal with the feeling of grief and pain and hatred related to how much of my life was taken from me. How much social development she cost me. How many friends I lost because she used to fill my head with shit about them. I was robbed of my teenage years and a chunk of my childhood because of my narcissistic mother, and it was brought upon by the feeling of hopelessness. It’s the worst feeling anyone could imagine and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy
I had a narcissistic mother too and felt i got robbed of everything. You are so lucky to live in a time when there is so much more known about it. And there are wonderful videos like this!
Let go we do!😍 exercising extreme self care right now. My awakening came 2 years ago. It has been an interesting journey. Feeling healthier now than 30 years ago. Knowledge is truly power. We have the tools to create much more loving environment. Learning how to set healthy boundaries was a key moment for me. Wishing you all the best on this amazing journey🤩🌸🦋🌟🍀
Aged 57 before I knew. I got out of a narcissistic "romantic" relationship only to realize I grew up with a narcissistic mother. Learning a lot, feeling better all the time
My childhood unconscious feelings of helplessness continued into adulthood paralysis and inability to seize opportunities. I spent many years self-defining as “weak and lazy”. I finally found a therapist who had the skills to recognize what was really going on. I thank him to this day for saving my life. This video tells my story.
Living under these people can get you years into Derealization May God help us all, there's alot to say about these situations but instead society sees it the other way round
Jonna Perilä that seems to be the key...finding what is good to you that no one can take away, because they certainly will, if they can. Here’s something that might help. I did it and I’m LOVING it! All of the love, care, support, validation, and nurturing that I was giving to them, I retracted and gave it to MYSELF. OMG, it’s been such a joy and so rewarding. Give your goodness to yourself. For one, it gives you the opportunity to see what other people were getting and how good it really was. I had no idea. Just never really thought about it, although it was my intention to make the people I love and care about feel special, because they were special to me, and I wanted them to know that I didn’t take them for granted. One void for me, that was getting me in trouble, was the need to love and nurture. It’s been almost 30 years that I’ve been learning to love and nurture myself. Now I’m special to myself and don’t take myself for granted. It’s a journey, but try it. I bet you’ll like it. All the best.
@Bushra S The good thing about understanding narcissists, including their motivations and patterns is that when we’re healthy, and informed, now we get to sniff THEM out. Before, we were like sitting ducks, because we had no idea. We knew some things weren’t right, but I, for one, was quite confused. I saw some patterns and became very familiar with them, but seeing the overall picture is way cool. I’ve consciously taken a break from relationships, because I wanted to assess and learn more about my patterns and how to have a healthy relationship. God answered my prayers when he directed me to study narcissistic abuse. I’ll never forget my first article “20 Tactics that Sociopaths, Psychopaths and Narcissists Use to Silence Their Victims.” The title was a little scary. Never in a million years would I have imagined that I’d been dealing with sociopaths, psychopaths...and I didn’t even know what narcissists were at the time, but the fact that they were in the same category made me know they were really bad...even deranged. Yikes! Then when I read the article and recognized SO many of those tactics via personal experience...wow. I was scared, but I had to know. At the time, I was trying to understand someone else’s situation so I could help. I was so concerned that I couldn’t stop. Little did I know, I was also really helping MYSELF. I’m grateful. This is one time when my benevolence really paid off, in the best way possible. I’ve been studying so long and so hard, from every angle I can think of, I’m almost looking forward to sniffing them out. I can see that they’re getting more educated, by watching the same videos that a lot of us are watching. They’re starting to mimic our language to sound more like empaths, and normal, healthy, or even evolved people. Anything but themselves, because they know if they were to ever be honest about their true nature and intentions, you would never give them the time of day, much less your trust or your heart. It’s a game to them, but it’s a game that’s about survival. They try to look like they’re not desperately combing the earth, seeking supply, like vampires. I guess that’s what they are...because they have to feed off of other people to survive. I’ll definitely be watching to continue fine tuning my discernment abilities. Watch Alpha Male Strategies on TH-cam to see a ‘head narcissist’ teach other narcissists. There’s another one that I have to find to let people know about, so they can see that this thing is real. People (especially men) actually study how to take advantage of people (especially women) via mind control. They talk openly and shamelessly about hooking married women and more. One channel actually has a program that you can purchase. This Alpha Male Strategy guy probably has a book, but I’m noticing that he’s introducing concepts to his listeners so they can use language that makes them sound healthy and normal, but the end game is always the same...”present yourself this way” to gain supply. It would be nice if some of them actually BECAME healthy and normal, even if just by accident, while they’re trying to fool women into thinking that’s who they really are. #IJS. One of the last lessons I heard him give was “learn to enjoy your own company.” Ha! I’m laughing now because I know I’ve said that several times, in conversation. “I enjoy my own company.” Yes, I do. Why it makes me laugh is because narcissists are inherently miserable people. How are you going to enjoy your own company when you’re 😖 😩 😭 miserable? LOL. That’s the root of the problem. They bring misery wherever they go, because that’s all they have to offer. How can you bring peace, when you don’t know how to create it within? They comb the earth because they’re constantly running from themselves, and the voices inside their head. Knowing that, it sounds good, but it’s not likely to happen. I’m glad I heard that. It’s not the first time I’ve heard a narcissist say something that would make me think we have something in common. That’s their “in.” I used to take people at face value. Very trusting. Now I’ll be sure to watch and listen even more closely than I did before. I actually enjoy listening to people talk, anyway. Oh, and another thing I learned is not to tell everything that you want to someone in the beginning. Narcissists will change who they appear to be, based on what you say. Just allow them to present themselves, and notice if they change when they discover that what you value is different. I’ve definitely seen people do that, in the past, which is a complete turn off. That’s a red flag, and if you’re trying to keep narcs out of your life, red flags need to be deal breakers. Just sharing what I’ve learned and plan to practice. I’m looking forward to it. As a matter of fact, watching Donald Trump is a HUGE example of NPD, and according to his niece, sociopathy, now only referred to in the DSM as anti-social personality disorder. OMG. If you’ve been studying content, but need a glaring example, he is IT. As a matter of fact, I challenge you to consider testing your NPD knowledge by naming the various tactics that he uses from day to day. Triangulation, deflection, gaslighting, etc. If you’ve been studying narc abuse, he’s a great case study to challenge yourself on your understanding of the disorder. Perfect example of entitlement, lack of empathy and exploitation of any and every thing and body for his own benefit. Denial and delusion. That’s the one that was hard for me to grasp. They’re not always lying, consciously. They really do believe the things that they’re saying, because they are actually delusional. My theory is that this is the result of YEARS of creating, and hiding behind, a false mask for survival, social acceptance, and to shield themselves from their self-loathing. It becomes a pattern and eventually they really do struggle to know the difference between truth and lies, reality and fantasy. Remember when Trump said COVID-19 would disappear? Maybe he really believed that. The problem, of course, is that it doesn’t matter, because the result is the same...140,000+ dead. This is why they try to convince you that the sky is red, because they think it is...sometimes. Sometimes it’s just about egoistic power, control and domination over you. Either way, narcs are dangerous to our well being, and “no contact” whenever possible, is your friend. LOL. Thanks Bushra S. Quick disclaimer: I hope I didn’t step on anybody’s “political toes.” This commentary was not intended to be about politics, parties, or political affiliations, but the study of malignant narcissism, in real time.
Yes and no. It's hard to hang on to the good feelings of accomplishment when this person is constantly belittling, disrespecting, and not supporting your efforts. I am learning to tune his voice out. Not easy but am trying.
Dr. Ramani I feel I need to pay for this therapy session. Everything you talked about I could relate to. It has only been in the past couple of years that I was able to identify that I have been married to a narcissistic man. I have known for years that there was something off about him. The harder I tried to please him the more emotional abuse I would have to endure. He not only has NPD but he is a high functioning alcoholic. I am at the end of my rope. Going to seek therapy and pray that I can find a lasting sliver of peace before it's too late! Thank you, Thank you for your videos.
I can't feel your pain because 13 weeks ago I was there. Now I'm in recovery. In 8 years this man drained everything that was good in my life. And I thought it was me until I found this site. What a blessing. It took me four years to not freeze during the feeling of fight or flight . The anxiety I would feel when I had to come home. I literally couldn't breathe when I was unlocking the door. Now I'm dealing with stalking and endless text. My family is getting an earful of what a bad person I am. Thank God they have my back. Sorry I didn't mean to spew. this is about you getting out of there. I just want you to know that there's life out here. More than existing for him to abuse. You are in my prayers and feel free to let me know that you're ok.
I know ive had a mather who is a narc who drive my father to suicide. She really caused me to kill myself as a child. I was so upset when she wouldnt help me learn to drive or get a job or go to college as I was a senior in high school. I could see she didnt want to lose me as in she didnt want me to grow up....didnt want to lose the person she was abusing. So I ran away with the first man I mat who was 19 years older than me. Then to get away from him I joined the air force. Then I finally ended up moving in with her 32 years later when I had been financially ruined and had an accident which caused me to not be able to work for a year. She tortured me again! She treated me the same sick way she did 30 years ago.....then I got on my feet and able to leave her house a year later but just in time she manifested a severe disease that destroyed her immunity just before the covid started.....so now I feel trapped in her house. She needs me to do all her shopping ....ive got to get away from this toxic person . she tries to make me feel like I'm a horrible person for even suggesting that I'm moving back out .. Ive also lost my income with covid so its trapped me financially with her until I can figure out another way to make the money I used to make working in a restaurant...
Laura Estes I feel you. I have a loved one who was driven to commit suicide by his narcissistic father / family. 😢💔 Also I’ve been running errands for my narc parents during Covid time. But my mom has always found ways to somehow keep a grasp on me. I don’t know who is more narc, my mom or my dad. Sometimes it’s changing. Their drama is endless!
@@lauraestes9304 She uses your desire to be seen as a good person against you. You ARE a good person, no need to prove it! So, you would probably have to become ok with being seen (by her) as a bad person. Just start getting all those hooks out of your self. You then will gradually be able to get away from her influence- first emotionally, than physically as well. If we don't do that internal work, these 'relationships' continue forever, even after death... Unfortunately.
Having grown up in that ‘harness’ and marrying into the same strange dynamic (now caregiver to my N parent and divorced my N spouse 18 years ago) I finally learning at age 59 what the name is for the indescribable painful journey that I have been on. Helplessness, yes. Hopefulness - more. Thank you Dr Ramani!
God, I love and am so profoundly grateful for this woman. It just struck me that I’ve felt more cared for, seen, supported, encouraged, validated, and understood watching internet videos from a person I have never met than I ever did in all my time with my own double-narc-parent family. THANK YOU. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. What you do here is priceless. ❤️
Learned Helplessness is part of what keeps us Stuck in Trauma-Bonded "relationships". We don't even know that we can "jump the (faux) fence" and get free.
Sometimes people are not motivated to jump over the metaphorical wall because they are too focused on whether it will actually be better on the other side. But that's missing the point. The act of jumping over is the point. It is this act that helps overcome learned helplessness. My mantra when I'm not feeling motivated is "do it anyway". 😊 Once I begin, I nearly always keep going.
You have totally described my life, raised with a neglectful narcissist father, I felt hopeless and gave up, turned to drugs and alcohol at a young age. Married a narcissist who became physically abusive, divorced him after having 3 children. It took about 10 years with counciling and going to church and college to gain confidence in myself, then I Married another dang narcissist, had 2 children with him. I felt stuck because Im Christian, I had Pastors tell me divorce a sin the Lord hates divorce, I don't have grounds for divorce because he didn't cheat. I educated myself on narcissism and they don't change, started to see my husband as a wolf in sheep's clothing, he broke the vows long ago by not loving me. I know that my God doesn't want me in this marriage, I don't care what any Pastor has to say about it, they aren't the ones dealing with the narcissist abuse, emotional, financial, and withholding affection. 6 months of learning about narcissism and gray rock, I am now no contact except few text messages regarding the kids, we are in the process of divorce. I did feel so hopeless, and stuck for about 5 years. I am getting my confidence back slowly. I do have a say and you know I am able also. I am overcoming and I will not waste another minute with a narcissist. My narc dad wants me to move back with him, HECK NO!!
You should not divorce your husband just because he isn't a Christian. Abuse, however, is whole other story. Your Pastor should know and understand the difference. AND the Pastor and the elders should have a talk with your husband and if he doesn't change then he should be kicked out of the Church. Is he a Christian?
your pastors are abusive, lying cheats that are throwing you under a bus and leaving you to die so that they can stay comfortable and not deal with anything negative, and they're doing this because they dont care about you. and i say this because anyone who cares about someone will try to help that person get out of an abusive or dangerous situation. your pastors are just using you for your faith, there are better people to put that faith into. and your faith is for you god, not the men that are trying to use your god's name to find power for themselves and to propagate their own absurd prejudices. don't trust these idiots or give their words any worth. they dont have any to begin with. you know your situation better than any man or woman on this planet does because you're the one going through it. if your heart is telling you to get out there must be a very good reason for it. get out.
@@skylaralexis7699 The Bible warns of these "pastors". God calls them hirelings and wolves in sheep's clothing. They are not using you for your faith but rather for your time and money. Don't hate God because of these men for they are not His. God warned us about them so we will know and not be deceived but we must read the Bible and believe it. Matthew 7:21-23 King James Version 21 Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. 22 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? 23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity. John 10:12 King James Version 12 But he that is an hireling, and not the shepherd, whose own the sheep are not, seeth the wolf coming, and leaveth the sheep, and fleeth: and the wolf catcheth them, and scattereth the sheep. Matthew 7:15 King James Version 15 Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
@@skylaralexis7699 People should realise that there is nothing special about Pastors, priests, monks or nuns etc. They are the same as everyone else! In fact the way they give their ego a boost by dressing up and taking a title means they are further away from God! Churches, as in buildings, are also just buildings! You do not need to go to any church or anywhere to find God. Remember, "the Kingdom of Heaven is within you". If you want to find God go into your heart.
Overcoming learned helplessness coming from a narcissistic family unfortunately also comes with considerable triggering of flashbacks. Just the moment as an adult you find a way to help yourself the anxiety starts in fear of the wrath of the narcissistic parent. As a child these “shocks” are the guilt trips and put downs you experienced - and in a flashback you administer this to yourself. It’s important to anticipate this, when you want to gain back the initiative out of your learned helplessness.
I'm an author/Illustrator and am writing a story of three sisters growing up with a narcissist mother. Interestly it's titled "matchbox houses". Now the 'box' has more meaning. As always, thanks for your insight. You have helped on my journey of recovery. I appreciate you.
Every so often I post on social media.. "why bother." Thank you for reminding me about "learned helplessness." Yeah, okay, I get pretty depressed pretty often. I also get out of it. Now I will be extra kind to myself because it came from a confused learning place. I didn't want to get a divorce because my mother divorced 6 times. My ex did something too troubling for me to excuse and refused to make it right. Separating from narcissists was so hard and so necessary. I suggest support if one cannot afford or find counseling. Some friends of mine do a live chat going over a book on daughters of narcissistic mothers. People are out there doing awesome things like that. Find them.
@I got a billion ways to get it Counseling is great when we can afford it. Support is an add on and sometimes alternative. In some ways, I've had better luck with support. Complex may be exactly why peer association can work well. I learned about grounding, stimming and other techniques to handle anxiety before I learned about them from a counselor.
@@donedennison9237 Indeed. It is a common notion that often patients in a group setting can be more beneficial to each other in certain ways than therapy can be. Or people chatting with each other across the globe in comment sections. This is because a therapist can point the way, but the patients have to do the actual work themselves. When patients are together at the same time all doing the same things, it adds social elements that humans crave which enhances and encourages what the therapist directs.
Dr. Ramani, so happy I found you. This explains so much in my life. I have always been the helper & doer. When my Mom passed, no one in my family has a use for me. But my heart keeps trying. Therphy is ok, but no real answers. I make it a point everyday to do 1 thing, to keep going, some days I do nothing. But I try. I mean I'm really trying, Great video, Thank you!!
Helper - you can help everybody else, but yourself, right? You're doomed, you can't be helped, but that doesn't mean you can't help others. Even as I say it, it's obviously a cognitive distortion. But it's what people with narcissistic parents grew up with, and it stays for a long, long time with you, maybe even a lifetime. We must become very aware of those cognitive distortions, and actively fight them.
@@mbaksa I've been trying. And your totally right! Just the other day I saw a man sitting on the sidewalk, he looked at me but didnt say anything. I can out of the store & gave him some $. He thanked me so much. I had it to give, so I gave. It made me feel useful. Positivly wins the day.
Thank you very much for this video! I'm financially unable to leave my marriage but thanks to therapy & videos like this, I'm learning & understanding so much about my situation. I see how I fell into this marriage & why I didn't leave when I could. I'm learning to cope & make the best of my situation. I would refer anyone to this video who has so rudely responded to my comments about my situation, saying why don't you just leave then?!
Not all these people asking why you stay are rude. Maybe curious, maybe they’ve been there, maybe someone they know is doing the same? I don’t know but getting defensive seems a waste of time
Thank you Dr. Ramani for your inspirational videos. This is really life- saving and life- changing. This feeling of helplessness gets to you where the Narcissist is at the high end of malicious and psychopathic toxic Narcs. Sad to grow up in a dysfunctional family with generational Narcs. No use to try and be the peacemaker etc. You turn into a people pleaser per excellence. When your bones are broken and severe physical and especially emotional abuse of degrading happens to you as small child, you can get caught in this trap. Often you become that magnet for Narcs., believing you need to try harder and forgive another thousand times- especially if those principles were hammered into your head. It is such a relief to find a community like this, to know that my inner voice was actually correct all these years: that those acts were in fact toxic and bad, and I don't need to allow that in my life anymore. A great antidote against this feeling is to reach within and find your own values and talents and make the most of it- and don't waste your pearls on people who can't and won't understand. You are meant for greater things: don't make the toxic Narcs the centre of your life and universe. Start getting strong and plan that escape route! Wishing you all the best of blessings.
I really can't comprehend information i can't feel anymore. I really don't know what to do and i no longer sleep and constantly sweat. I feel no hope sometimes and other times i feel a bit of it. Thank you for all you do. I am trying my best but i just don't know what to do.
I can't tell you how grateful I am for your channel. Channels like yours have really opened my eyes and helped me take back some of my power. I am so much closer to being able to move away from my narcissistic mother and go NC. She unfortunately has gotten a lot of my family to gaslight me as well and I felt alone but you have helped me learn and make a healthy decision for myself. I value myself and I will be going NC the minute I financially can. Thank you so much!
Wow! This all makes sense. Thank you for really taking the time to talk about helplessness and it’s application to narcissistic abuse. I didn’t identify as much to that concept when I read “the body keeps the score” ; with your video i can see myself clearly. Thank you. It’s been 2 years since I left and at times when I get triggered this *same” sense of helplessness returns. Trying to have compassion and understanding for when this happens. I’m working my way back to being that vibrant, professional, educated confident woman I used to be prior to this dysfunctional long haul marriage. Using all my superpowers 🦸♀️ and your education to keep moving forward! Thank you again! This is going in my “circular thinking” reset tools!
I used to take a holiday and my cousins and sister used to be very narcissistic. After so many years I took a solo trip and to my utter surprise I even enjoyed the slow traffic and tiny details of the holiday. I think your books and videos are so very helpful.
I was very happy to read your original comment describing how you were able to focus on the little things and derive sincere pleasure and contentment from them. Gratitude is a sign that you are well on the right path of healing, and it is such good news to hear. May you find something good in each little moment in life, now and always. So awesome! ❤
I admit that the dog experiment was hard to listen to..however very illustrative of depression/helplessness. I've been working on myself to not feel helpless about the toxic, malignant neighbor, even though I practice no contact...I feel like I still have to be on alert and stay one step ahead of her sneaky vindictiveness, etc. I do feel for the women you mentioned in the world who truly suffer serious narc abuse and inevitable helplessness due to horrible archaic cultural practices (which make my narc problems seem really piddly! ) = I pray for their release from these plights! Thank You Dr Ramani!
It really becomes extra damaging and isolating when your family members and few friends do not want to help, not even with emotional support. Abusers see this and think “oh wow what luck! I can keep harming this person!”. Even the cops don’t help with domestic violence or stalking. This is a problem with society in general and really doesn’t get addressed.
After 24 years of marriage it has gotten worse. 😔 splendid video Doctor. Thank you so much for making this one and all the rest. I'm m feeling relieved.
Dr. Ramani is spot on with this one. I stayed in an unhappy marriage for 39 years until he died. For half of the time he was ill with a variety of issues, none of them cancer. I wanted to leave many times, but for economic reasons and fear for my children, I stayed. After he became ill, this empath thought less and less about leaving and more about how to survive. I survived by keeping busy out of the house with things and people I enjoyed. His last hospital stay coincided with the beginning of the pandemic. The hospice doctor said it would only be a week or two. He lasted almost 2 months. My health was suffering. When the nurse came she offered respite care for me and I jumped at it. He only wanted to know why I was doing this to him. I told him he would be back in 5 days, which I truly believed. Mercifully, he passed very early in the morning of the 5th day. I’m doing better than I have in the 40 years since I met him. Thanks to Dr. Ramani and my therapist for helping in my recovery.
"HR departments don't understand narcissistic abuse." That's the understatement of the year. Their response is always, always "you two just have a personality conflict and need to just work things out". Translation: "we got nuthin', you're on your own".
Dr Ramani is the most gracious and empathetic therapist! She truly wants to help people around the world. She even told people to watch other people’s videos on this topic. As oppose to those who trashed other therapists on TH-cam; calling their stuff rubbish. Dr. Ramani is truly an angel.
Therapy might help IF you can see a therapist. In the past I've tried. My insurance would have covered it. One therapist never returned my call for an appointment. The second one couldn't see me for two months which is a long time when help is needed now. So I watched TH-cam videos. And it helped. Alot!
I am learning something else: be awake when you see these videos, don´t use them to sleep. I love Ramani´s voice, it´s soothing. TH-cam should use the same level of volume on their ads, not make them louder than the video you are watching. Eleven booming loud ads.
Thank you so much Dr. Ramani! This validates my experience even more. I felt like I was in a black hole of depression and apathy. And then add a layer of anxiety because my helplessness kept me from living up to his standards. He would save up his gaslighting for when i would come around again to bringing up our problems. Lather, rinse, repeat. Can you believe that my landlord letting me out of our lease to help protect me and my children was the catalyst for leaving?? It took someone else telling me I had to leave and could literally make me do it. Otherwise, I might still be with him. They helped save us and so have you ❤
Everytime I listen to one of these videos a little bit more of my childhood makes sense. I’m so happy to know I’m not alone and that there are people who understand. ❤️
A very tough video to watch. I am affected by learned helplessness from growing up in a narcissistic family system. It is so difficult to learn to feel empowered; to feel like I AM enough. Thank you, Dr. Ramani. You tackled a tough subject today.
I told my mother once I felt suicidal and she said go ahead. When I point out something in her, she will flip the script and gaslight me. The craziest thing is my father abused her severely before they divorced. Now, I encourage myself in every way that I can. Thank you. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🖤♥️🖤💜💙💚💛🧡❤️
“Resistance is Futile”. That is what I have written and highlighted in my 2 year journal of the abuse I live with from my Narcissist wife many times. Today the most telling thing happened to me. She said to me “don’t tell me how to feel”. This is what she has done to me my entire life. You cannot beat that type of logic. This is why “Resistance is Futile “ You are right Dr Ramani. I learned this as a child with al alcoholic father and a covert narcissist mother. Now I repeat the mantra with a vastly more abusive “wife”. It is indeed hopeless.
Yea my ex husband always told me what I was thinking . He said it's one of 2 things. I'm dumb or I'm lying. And he noted I made it thru 8 yrs of vet school so..must be lying. Bye mr narc! Hes history
I too have come from a narcissistic family and been married to a narcissistic...my entire life. I am 64. I have been told I don't know how he feels, I have no right to judge him and the latest, don't take his inventory. Yesterday, I spoke these words, "I know the truth and I will speak it to you. I have the right to my opinions about your behavior and how it affects me." I also said making apologies 6 months or 6 years after the events with qualifying statements attached are NOT apologies. It felt good to speak my truth, even though it fell on deaf ears and will be spun into more reasons he is the victim in our relationship. I don't care! I am a truth teller. This truth is my freedom!
In regard to "learned helplessness", this concept is what men are taught by controlling women and the men who enable them. The moment men speak with each other without women present, the real truths start coming out in droves. Try men-only support groups to regain control over the disorientation caused by narcissistic abuse. Mixed groups are fine as long as things like entitlement, shaming, guilting, dismissing, name-calling, gaslighting, disorienting, feminism, gynocentrism, passive-aggression, women turning men's issues into being all about women, and other common forms of narcissistic man-hating are strongly moderated and removed from the group. Resistance is not futile. Not always. That's learned helplessness.
Thank goodness, I jumped over the wall in the box many years ago! It was life changing! I'm so glad you addressed societal, religious, and cultural expectations because they play a huge part in learned helplessness. Excellent video!
I’m 45 years old, I separated from my wife almost a years go. I’m devastated but thanks to great people like you, now I understand what I’m dealing with. It’s the worst feeling being in a relationship like this.
Ok, dogs and electric shocks ... what type of ghouls are zapping helpless dogs with electrical shocks ... anyway ... what comes to mind is the 'infamous' Pavlov's dog experiment, remember that one? Ring the bell, feed the dog, dog drools in anticipation. Well, step two was turn on the light and then beat the dog with a stick but allowing a small box for the dog to escape to. So when the light came the dog jumps in the box. Step three was to ring the bell and turn on the light and the dog would experience catatonia, it would freeze and not know what to do. Sounds quite familiar to todays topic of helplessness. That is what narcs do to us - reward then punish and then punish and reward until you just give up!
EXACTLY described mother. Abuse, I back away, she reels me back in, immediate abuse begins, I back away, she reels me in, immediate abuse begins, I back away, she reels me in, immediate abuse begins on an endless loop. I've had enough. She has crossed my boundaries in the most psychopathic and ugly way too many times.
For me, I was terrified to jump to the other side because I was so afraid my mother would disown me. Which is weird because she disowned me from a young child. The fear however of having no needs met was high
This is probably the deepest and most long lasting effect of childhood narcissist abuse for me. It's so insidious and becomes a part of you. The line Dr Ramani said about 'even though there is something you can do to get out of a particular situation, it won't work for me' rings so true. Even as I get out of situations and they work out it doesn't bring confidence to the next situation working out. I am slowly building confidence but it is slow!
I am so grateful to Dr Ramani for endless help and encouragement to find ourselves in this dark dark forest of narcissism. I thought it was normal all my life and that it something wrong with me and i am not enough. Finally we know the truth... Thank you Dr Ramani!
There is no one out there that compares to you Dr. Ramani, you help me stay grounded, and give me hope. Your work is very important to us suffering in these relationships.
I would still be lost under a rock right now, if it wasn't for Saint Ramani! So grateful to Dr. Ramani.. finding her, enjoying the free education that feels like therapy sessions and learning to navigate my way out of a dark dark place that I never meant to find myself in, Is all thanks to her! I owe the my future to Dr.Saint Ramani! Thank you more than words!
This is so powerful. I'm in therapy now after growing up with this kind of abuse. My whole life I have "attracted" these types of people. I grew up feeling helpless and carried it into adulthood, never really understanding where it came from. I always felt like there was something wrong with me. Now I am completely aware of the insidious abuse. Learned helplessness is a way that kept me stuck and kept repeating the cycle of abuse as an adult. I'm in the process of reclaiming my power, and my eyes are wide open. Thank you for this valuable content, I appreciate all your work. Thank you.
I like to imagine how we can all take the consciousness she brings us and shine this into the lives we touch, wherever we are in this world. with time, our collective healing, clearing, understanding, and empowerment will have a positive effect on all of humanity, all from one person at a time 'waking up', reclaiming our power, setting boundaries, and making new choices for a better life. our better individual lives make the world a better place to live, for all! I really believe that the work we all are participating here is so very important, for it is helping to heal this entire planet!
So happy to see you this morning Doctor Ramani !!! And great to see so many have already watched. I even get up earlier to try to be ready for the video!
I want to learn more on developing a sense of agency. Those of us who were "black sheeped" growing up in narcissistic families carry a sense of helplessness about our life that we are not good enough and/or we have to put up with toxic attitudes because that's what we are "meant" to do (we are conditioned to believe that and its most likely an unconscious belief, we just do it). An activity that helps is - write down all the things you where invalidated with. write down all the things you were not supported with, write down how you were dismissed or how you were diminished. Then on another piece of paper write down for each entry of invalidation etc write down how you are valid, you are supported, you are important, you are significant, write down what ever talent or skills you have. Read all those positive things to yourself as soon as you wake up in the morning, and say them to yourself in front of the mirror even when you feel totally useless, and drained that is when you have to do it even more. just start every morning do it for 40 days, and you will start to notice more positivity and confidence in your life. I love you and all who have suffered at the hands of selfish toxic narcs.
This was so much how i felt, and when i e been in abusive (narc) relationships in work, or siblings after our narc father died, unable to even bother going to authorities because i figure they wont believe me, the narc will have gotten to them first or has better lawyers (from the wealth he stole...) And, im sadly always right. Makes it hard to fight any,ore. And yes, major depression from an early age. Lots of therapy over the years but none who got it, didnt try to put it all on my shoulders.... which of course i feel helpless/hopeless to make change, so not all that helpful most of the times. These videos have helped so much because as i look for a therapist who WILL be appropriate for cptsd issues, inc the emotional neglect and terror of narcissistic parent abuse, maybe i can not waste so much time trying to may bad ones work for me... (yes, there are even narc therapists out there! And some who shame...).
I was discarded almost 2 yrs ago after 26 yrs and I'm still homeless, jobless, destitute and VERY broken! Everything seems to just gets worse and on a daily basis I fight the feeling of wanting to die 😭
Tina Scott. You've had a long hawl of narcissistic entrapment, you are now out, good for you! Be gentle with yourself first, right now in this very moment you are good enough. Can you write poetry about what you are experiencing or perhaps do some type of art work that expresses your feelings. Create something and put it on the internet, tell people what and why you have created your artwork. Ask for feedback from others or ask others can they relate to it. It would be very beneficial for you to create this sense of agency using a form of art or poetry. Please dont stop trying to jump to the otherside.
The story about the dog research in the beginning was truly fascinating and an eye-opener. I can see it in my own life, especially at work or in personal relationships with others. I've just realized in the last month or so that I've been living with a narcissistic mother in my life for 32 years. I'm finally starting the long road to recovery thanks in part to you, Dr. Ramani. Thank you so much for your videos!!
I wonder if anyone in this community has never experienced narcissistic abuse at all and is just here because, like, they want to know. If so, you're a real one, and your curiosity goes toward people bring seen and heard. We appreciate you 💖
Then again, when I stop trying to make things work with a narcissist and just try to dodge an work around them, there's usually a fleet of enablers who notice (strangely they have a keener eye for that than for the abuse and for my numerous past attempts to show willing and good faith) and then come and tell me that I do nothing to make things better, that I don't communicate properly (I always try to be extra cautious with my communication, very non-violent, while the narcissist goes all out on me, so to me it seems they extrapolate from the mere fact that I disagree or step out of a crazy-making conversation) and therefore they claim I kinda bring the abuse and isolation on myself. I've been that person before when I didn't know about narcissistic abuse -- well, I never straight up told someone they brought painful stuff on themselves but I tried to get people to try, and was genuinely convinced that was the way to make things work out and that giving up wasn't a solution... so I don't think they all necessarily have bad intentions, but I mean, there really seems to be no way to "just" dodge the narcissist and keep the rest of your social life intact, or at least be left in peace, they poison everything even when you try to kick them out of your life.
Helpless and hopeless , that is why I lived under the heels of these types of people for over 60 years. Truth . Thank you for explaining. Somehow, this brings me peace.
I wanted to thank Dr Ramani for breaking down the complexities of this abnormal behavior and teaching it to survivors in easy to understand language. I can testify that once I got to the root cause of my depression, narcissistic abuse from especially mother and family, and was able to make a clean break of it, for an extended amount of time, I am no longer depressed. I am more present, I speak kinder to myself, I go after my dreams, I see that people value me, and finally I have hope that I never really had. I am 48, but I feel like a new born. Thanks for your help, it is making a difference.
I almost jumped when I heard the start of this video, it took me back 25 years ago studying psychology. When this research came up I was flabberghasted, I felt it was the key to understanding so much of my experiences and psyche at the time. Just learning about it at the time became a tool to a better life.
Thank you so very much! After 14 yrs I have left I left everything I am now I'm in a shelter now you helped me cope stay sane when I couldn't leave and knowing when I had to go for my sanity. You sharing information so freely saved my life ❤️
Wow .... this episode definitely went under my skin, feeling disgusted, angry even utmost shocked about the fact what narcissists are able to do ... but the main issue that I am nearly furious about is the fact, as you mentioned, that courts and „normal people“ don‘t see narcissistic abuse of such it is : abuse. As I am a lawyers assistant for many years I habe to agree - but I can only appeal to everyone on this channel to listen to you and to learn and at least taking your life back into your hands and fight. As I have learned there are many ways to kick these terrible creatures out of your head at first and then out of your life. Please don‘t give up 🙏🏼. I am more than grateful to your contribution on this YT Channel and so so - yes let‘s say happ y- that you, Dr. Ramani, filled my „life saver belt“ with a lot of tools to overcome this difficult life situation. Be assured that I inform everyone I know about your books, your Channel content, so that nobody feels helpless anymore because of any narcissist in their surrounding or life. Your work is so important, please never stop doing this - it saves lifes 💕😘🌺 Thank you so so much 💕💕
I recently just heard some of the recordings between Amber Heard and Johnny Depp, kept thinking about stuff I've learned from this channel. You can literally hear her flying into rages, gaslighting him, projecting her own worst qualities onto him, name calling, and trying to shame, blame and control. Absolutely sickening how aggressive and volatile she is. And then she's the one who plays the victim, like she's been subjected to abuse by him. She attacks him over and over (verbally and physically), most of the time he leaves to avoid the abuse, yet that then opens him up to further attacks. It's like a perfect case study for what emotional abuse sounds like and what the tactics look like and even men (with money and power) can find themselves on the receiving end of this. th-cam.com/video/aca0KWoHtqQ/w-d-xo.html
I've read about that experiment in a book - and I cried for them and myself because I felt this was ME. I recogbized MY feelings. Chaotically received doses of emotional pain and relief... still feel helpless. I used to have some power - now it is all flat... I feel like that dog in the box...
Agency. Do something & feel good about it. Just get something done. I listened to the end of this video 10 times. These are things I never knew. God bless you, Dr. Ramani.
My psychologist likes Seligman and recommended I read him. I started, heard about the dogs, and that was it. Done with him. I get the concept of learned helplessness and recognize it. But the idea of this experiment on dogs is just abhorrent to me. I have stayed for half my life for exactly this reason. My suicidal thoughts are most frequent and powerful when I feel most helpless. And once again, thank you Dr. Ramani, for acknowledging that there are times that we just cannot leave, as everyone in the comments says. "Just leave!" So simplistic.
Don’t you love the ones that say “just leave!”, as if it were like leaving a store you don’t want to be in...as if they think you must be made of money and it’s a matter of going to a different place to shop.
@@abowling5759 good analogy. There are so many reasons someone might not be able to leave. What with what we go through in the relationship, the last thing we need is other victims of narcissists judging us for not doing what *they* want -- just like the narcissist does.
an "ineffectual passivity" (5:50) . . .for many of us, childhood was essentially an experience of forced captivity- there was no way to escape our environments, and so we had to escape in other ways (dissociation, 'traumatic forgetting', numbing, etc.).. .anxiety is linked to a feeling of hopelessness, "that ongoing sense that there is nothing you can do" (11:00) I can see now how it was SO important that I took action to leave the narcissists myself. As hard as it was to do so, it was like a baby chick that needed to peck its way out of its own eggshell, in order to build that strength to move into the next part of life.
This video was really helpful for me. Moving on in adulthood is hard. 'nothing I do matters/nothing I can offer helps/nothing I try works' is exactly the state that I live in when I'm low. I thought there was something wrong with me...lol and there is, but it's not ME, it's CONDITIONING. THAT is helpful. Cov.Narc dad tried to push me to have relationships, and I'm really glad none of them worked out. The healthy men left, and I broke up with the others. Being stuck in a relationship before healing would've been extended nightmare. Thanks for this info, Dr Ramani. I'm going to keep individuating and I hope one day the hopelessness goes away.
Story of my life... Being conditioned to accept!! When I'm quite capable of leaping to the other box. But if I jump... The humiliating n passive aggression and looks of disgust stopped me... Wish I'd known n jumped ship a long long time ago. Now I can't I'm stuck but least I now know what's going on! Thank u Dr r. 🤗🤗 now watched this several times and only today has this clicked in my head as to how it's affected all my choices! It's like we lived in a cult as kids!😠😠
This is so helpful everyday! I used to always think that I needed to do something to fix myself. Like, I was the problem. I tried my best to be quiet, stay out of the way, not talk too much, just try to be invisible because I thought that these people would be nicer to me and just leave me alone. I just didn’t understand why and what was going on in my life. Especially growing up with a mother who was so cold, caustic and cruel. That’s what it felt like to me all the time. I always just wanted to run away from her! But in my running away from her without being conscious I ran into more abusive situations. I have memories of such coldness, ugliness and anger towards me from my mother even when I was trying to do right. She took the opportunity to just treat me badly when I needed her the most. It really does make you grow up feeling different. It almost feels like you have a handicap. It’s truly been traumatizing. The memories haunt me and invade my thoughts because it’s so many. It’s all made me a better human being though. I’m much more kind to people . I’m an encouraging person and I genuinely don’t ever want to make anyone feel the way I have felt in my life at the hands of narcissistic people. I’m not a perfect person and I’ve done my share of messing up, getting it wrong, making poor decisions and all. But NEVER have I simply treated someone horribly just because I felt like it or just because I could! I always take a more loving understanding approach toward a situation. I sometimes feel like I’m surrounded by people who in one breath say they love me but, fight and join forces to see me fall. It’s scary.
Thank you so much Dr Ramani. I can stil recall that helpless feeling especially when I woke up in the morning when my son was little. I felt helpless, shame,lost, miserable, and self-pitied. I was not coping well in those days. I also realised now that I had narcissist abuse at work as well. Next time I would be more carful and will make sure I wont loose my job because of the narcissistic work environment. Your lectures share us with your wisdom and expertise. You are wonderful!
Ya ever have a damn moment?😳 I just had one, and another one, and another one....all in this video. Damn, Damn it!😳 Dr. Ramani has NEVER met me, and she's still read me for filth. For filth, I say!🤷♀️😩
Exactly what you said at the end! The more I learned about narcissism and began getting terms for these behaviors and started being able to make sense of my former marriage, and also my mother, in terms of ongoing and predictable patterns rather than each crazy making incident on its own, the less helpless I felt. It's an eye rolling/disgusted/still irritating and unfair kind of understanding, but at least it makes sense and fits a blueprint that I can use to help me navigate the interactions. Now I can make a conscious choice to "fluff" when needed to make an interaction easier, or am at least aware that if they're looking for a specific reaction or supply and I don't give it there will be a negative reaction and can decide if that's worth trying to avoid or not. Instead of beating my head against a metaphorical wall asking what I've done to have them bristle or get moody at me and start engaging in circular dialogues full of invalidation, denial, gaslighting, defensiveness, and blameshifting etc. that always just make me feel worse I can always trace it back to how their narcissistic ego was rubbed the wrong way and realize it's not my fault and so feel less of a codependent urge to try to fix it and make it better. It helps me keep my guard up because even when things are good, I still recognize and now have a name for the narcissistic attention and validation seeking they constantly engage in and so I know that nothing has really changed, and thus, there's always the possibility of it flipping around again, which helps me to protect myself by not trusting or disclosing beyond a safely superficial level. That's not to say that it hasn't left me with plenty of scars that are still in the process of being resolved, especially in terms of learning healthier behaviors for new relationships, but the more I learn, the less helpless I feel with them.
I like your advice .You are the best ; you are sincere,knowledgeable,professional,compassionate,and you show great empathy to us,to me who had to live with this sickness of narcissism.Mom,Dad,my brother-2 yrs younger and sister--10years younger for heaven's sake --have this . Thank you so much.
WE ARE NOT HELPLESS, Y'ALL!
WE ARE STRONGER THAN THEM!
THEY. ARE. COWARDS.
WE GOT THIS!!!!
Spot on!
True , they want you to think you only have to depend on them but in reality you don’t owe anyone anything. If the relationship is genuine you do things with nothing in return
@@lakeatman504 Yes! Well put!
Yeah, but they prosper, whereas some of us merely survive!
They’re the helpless ones if you think about it.. without all of us suppliers, they’d be left on their own to fulfill themselves & THAT is the true hopeless cause. WE will be just fine without them.
Narcissists hijack our ability to respond to trauma, which is why we slip into helplessness and stop trying. We start believing there is no hope of getting away from our circumstances and for years, we remain trapped in this toxic cycle of abuse.
They use your resiliency against you!
Good description
Perfectly said.
True
Yep !
We NEED the courts to recognize narcissist abuse and not only in high profile cases. Too many of us stay in these relationships to protect our children from being alone on visitation and more isolated manipulation. Nobody wins.
Agree
Very true.
YES
I'm sorry for parents who are stuck in a terrible situation.
Truth
I lost my whole life thinking the narcissistic environment was normal. What do u compare it to when it is all u know? Thank u 4 ur help Dr. Ramani...ur the best.
I hear that. I am so grateful we are aware now. All the best to you on your healing journey. Much love and blessings
She is a blessing.I question my self a million times but then I hear her ; and I get affirmation its true
I didn’t know better either...until I did. Education is empowering.
The times when you are away from abuse, the times when disagreements are handled in a civil manner, the times when you understand exactly what's going on around you and there are no unpleasant surprises or "gotchas". The times when people keep their word, where promises are kept. The times when you look forward to something good, and then look backward remembering it as good. The times when you feel included and wanted, because you are included and wanted. The times when mistakes are honest and do not become habits or receive disproportionate frustration.
There are countless examples, these are just a few to get you started. No friendships or relationships are ever perfect, but you know deep down that people care, they are trying, they want what is mutually good for both of you, and when you give away your love to them, you end up having even more. ❤💛💚💙💜💟
Man, Neyra. I sure relate to this. I had a narc mom and stepdad, then a husband for many years. Throw in a boss or two and it was crazy. I don't know what healthy and whole look like for sure. But I do know one thing; when I'm not around him for a few days I adjust and go places I don't usually go. My stomach quits hurting. I sleep better. I have been able to curl up after a shower and read without all the incoming drama of attention getting behaviors. I will be thinking and praying for you path. Keep going!
I finally got an apartment and a car, and I'll be able to move out of his house soon!!
Congratulations 🎉. Awesome job!!
Congrats!! You've done it, enjoy YOUR life now!
Good for you! Take care!🌷
Congrats! You got this! 💓
That's what I'm talking about!!!
For years I felt helpless at the hands of my mother. She had a strangle hold over me and controlled my every move and thought. She sewed in my mind that I should be seen and not heard and never have an opinion about anything. I should keep my mouth shut and not say anything. And I never felt more helpless in my life. But now that I’m able to stand up to my narcissistic mother, I no longer feel that helplessness I once did. And she can rot for what she’s done to me in my life. For all the times she manipulated me, guilt tripped me, shamed me, called me insane, physically and verbally abuse me. It’s really sad when I at 21 years old just recently became self aware to narcissism and realizing that I am a victim of narcissistic abuse especially by my mother. And to deal with the feeling of grief and pain and hatred related to how much of my life was taken from me. How much social development she cost me. How many friends I lost because she used to fill my head with shit about them. I was robbed of my teenage years and a chunk of my childhood because of my narcissistic mother, and it was brought upon by the feeling of hopelessness. It’s the worst feeling anyone could imagine and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy
I need to ask something??
If you want to answer.
Do you have an inmune disease.
Or insomnia,allergies.
Lack of control your emotions??
bibi goldblum, maybe insomnia, I do have nightmares from time to time. And I do wake up in the middle of the night quite often for no apparent reasons
I feel the same. I’m 37 and just coming to the realization though so kudos on recognizing so young. I wish you healing and peace 💚
I had a narcissistic mother too and felt i got robbed of everything. You are so lucky to live in a time when there is so much more known about it. And there are wonderful videos like this!
You keep right on defying her! Hold your head up, baby!
Aged 60 before I knew about this ! Never too old to learn and let go .
❤️
Let go we do!😍 exercising extreme self care right now. My awakening came 2 years ago. It has been an interesting journey. Feeling healthier now than 30 years ago. Knowledge is truly power. We have the tools to create much more loving environment. Learning how to set healthy boundaries was a key moment for me. Wishing you all the best on this amazing journey🤩🌸🦋🌟🍀
52 yrs. Trying to gain the strength to let go. Scared shitless.
Me too! I always put her behaviour down to her personality!!
Aged 57 before I knew. I got out of a narcissistic "romantic" relationship only to realize I grew up with a narcissistic mother. Learning a lot, feeling better all the time
You are literally a lifesaver, Dr. Ramani.
She really is!
🎯🐺❣️
I'll say
I agree 💝
The feeling of helplessness is the core driver of my of anxiety.
My childhood unconscious feelings of helplessness continued into adulthood paralysis and inability to seize opportunities. I spent many years self-defining as “weak and lazy”. I finally found a therapist who had the skills to recognize what was really going on. I thank him to this day for saving my life. This video tells my story.
I'm glad you were saved. This sounds like me. Can you please share the name of the Doctor?
They really should have a type of 911 for us, making it narc victim friendly!
INPATIENT
The feeling of fear brings the helplessness especially if they provide you with shelter
Living under these people can get you years into Derealization May God help us all, there's alot to say about these situations but instead society sees it the other way round
This is true. If you manage to do something that makes you feel good about yourself, no one. And I mean no one, can take that away. And it feels good.
Jonna Perilä that seems to be the key...finding what is good to you that no one can take away, because they certainly will, if they can. Here’s something that might help. I did it and I’m LOVING it! All of the love, care, support, validation, and nurturing that I was giving to them, I retracted and gave it to MYSELF. OMG, it’s been such a joy and so rewarding. Give your goodness to yourself. For one, it gives you the opportunity to see what other people were getting and how good it really was. I had no idea. Just never really thought about it, although it was my intention to make the people I love and care about feel special, because they were special to me, and I wanted them to know that I didn’t take them for granted.
One void for me, that was getting me in trouble, was the need to love and nurture. It’s been almost 30 years that I’ve been learning to love and nurture myself. Now I’m special to myself and don’t take myself for granted. It’s a journey, but try it. I bet you’ll like it. All the best.
@Bushra S The good thing about understanding narcissists, including their motivations and patterns is that when we’re healthy, and informed, now we get to sniff THEM out. Before, we were like sitting ducks, because we had no idea. We knew some things weren’t right, but I, for one, was quite confused. I saw some patterns and became very familiar with them, but seeing the overall picture is way cool. I’ve consciously taken a break from relationships, because I wanted to assess and learn more about my patterns and how to have a healthy relationship. God answered my prayers when he directed me to study narcissistic abuse. I’ll never forget my first article “20 Tactics that Sociopaths, Psychopaths and Narcissists Use to Silence Their Victims.” The title was a little scary. Never in a million years would I have imagined that I’d been dealing with sociopaths, psychopaths...and I didn’t even know what narcissists were at the time, but the fact that they were in the same category made me know they were really bad...even deranged. Yikes!
Then when I read the article and recognized SO many of those tactics via personal experience...wow. I was scared, but I had to know. At the time, I was trying to understand someone else’s situation so I could help. I was so concerned that I couldn’t stop. Little did I know, I was also really helping MYSELF. I’m grateful. This is one time when my benevolence really paid off, in the best way possible. I’ve been studying so long and so hard, from every angle I can think of, I’m almost looking forward to sniffing them out. I can see that they’re getting more educated, by watching the same videos that a lot of us are watching. They’re starting to mimic our language to sound more like empaths, and normal, healthy, or even evolved people. Anything but themselves, because they know if they were to ever be honest about their true nature and intentions, you would never give them the time of day, much less your trust or your heart. It’s a game to them, but it’s a game that’s about survival. They try to look like they’re not desperately combing the earth, seeking supply, like vampires. I guess that’s what they are...because they have to feed off of other people to survive.
I’ll definitely be watching to continue fine tuning my discernment abilities. Watch Alpha Male Strategies on TH-cam to see a ‘head narcissist’ teach other narcissists. There’s another one that I have to find to let people know about, so they can see that this thing is real. People (especially men) actually study how to take advantage of people (especially women) via mind control. They talk openly and shamelessly about hooking married women and more. One channel actually has a program that you can purchase.
This Alpha Male Strategy guy probably has a book, but I’m noticing that he’s introducing concepts to his listeners so they can use language that makes them sound healthy and normal, but the end game is always the same...”present yourself this way” to gain supply. It would be nice if some of them actually BECAME healthy and normal, even if just by accident, while they’re trying to fool women into thinking that’s who they really are. #IJS. One of the last lessons I heard him give was “learn to enjoy your own company.” Ha! I’m laughing now because I know I’ve said that several times, in conversation. “I enjoy my own company.”
Yes, I do. Why it makes me laugh is because narcissists are inherently miserable people. How are you going to enjoy your own company when you’re 😖 😩 😭 miserable? LOL. That’s the root of the problem. They bring misery wherever they go, because that’s all they have to offer. How can you bring peace, when you don’t know how to create it within? They comb the earth because they’re constantly running from themselves, and the voices inside their head. Knowing that, it sounds good, but it’s not likely to happen. I’m glad I heard that. It’s not the first time I’ve heard a narcissist say something that would make me think we have something in common. That’s their “in.” I used to take people at face value. Very trusting. Now I’ll be sure to watch and listen even more closely than I did before. I actually enjoy listening to people talk, anyway.
Oh, and another thing I learned is not to tell everything that you want to someone in the beginning. Narcissists will change who they appear to be, based on what you say. Just allow them to present themselves, and notice if they change when they discover that what you value is different. I’ve definitely seen people do that, in the past, which is a complete turn off. That’s a red flag, and if you’re trying to keep narcs out of your life, red flags need to be deal breakers. Just sharing what I’ve learned and plan to practice. I’m looking forward to it.
As a matter of fact, watching Donald Trump is a HUGE example of NPD, and according to his niece, sociopathy, now only referred to in the DSM as anti-social personality disorder. OMG. If you’ve been studying content, but need a glaring example, he is IT. As a matter of fact, I challenge you to consider testing your NPD knowledge by naming the various tactics that he uses from day to day. Triangulation, deflection, gaslighting, etc. If you’ve been studying narc abuse, he’s a great case study to challenge yourself on your understanding of the disorder.
Perfect example of entitlement, lack of empathy and exploitation of any and every thing and body for his own benefit. Denial and delusion. That’s the one that was hard for me to grasp. They’re not always lying, consciously. They really do believe the things that they’re saying, because they are actually delusional. My theory is that this is the result of YEARS of creating, and hiding behind, a false mask for survival, social acceptance, and to shield themselves from their self-loathing. It becomes a pattern and eventually they really do struggle to know the difference between truth and lies, reality and fantasy. Remember when Trump said COVID-19 would disappear? Maybe he really believed that. The problem, of course, is that it doesn’t matter, because the result is the same...140,000+ dead.
This is why they try to convince you that the sky is red, because they think it is...sometimes. Sometimes it’s just about egoistic power, control and domination over you. Either way, narcs are dangerous to our well being, and “no contact” whenever possible, is your friend. LOL. Thanks Bushra S.
Quick disclaimer: I hope I didn’t step on anybody’s “political toes.” This commentary was not intended to be about politics, parties, or political affiliations, but the study of malignant narcissism, in real time.
Yes and no. It's hard to hang on to the good feelings of accomplishment when this person is constantly belittling, disrespecting, and not supporting your efforts. I am learning to tune his voice out. Not easy but am trying.
Nana's corner,
To be constantly undermined, unsupported and invalidated is no picnic. It's Toxic dysfunction.
Nobody can steal your Joy faster than a narcissist
Dr. Ramani I feel I need to pay for this therapy session. Everything you talked about I could relate to. It has only been in the past couple of years that I was able to identify that I have been married to a narcissistic man. I have known for years that there was something off about him. The harder I tried to please him the more emotional abuse I would have to endure. He not only has NPD but he is a high functioning alcoholic. I am at the end of my rope. Going to seek therapy and pray that I can find a lasting sliver of peace before it's too late! Thank you, Thank you for your videos.
I can't feel your pain because 13 weeks ago I was there. Now I'm in recovery. In 8 years this man drained everything that was good in my life. And I thought it was me until I found this site. What a blessing. It took me four years to not freeze during the feeling of fight or flight . The anxiety I would feel when I had to come home. I literally couldn't breathe when I was unlocking the door. Now I'm dealing with stalking and endless text.
My family is getting an earful of what a bad person I am. Thank God they have my back. Sorry I didn't mean to spew. this is about you getting out of there. I just want you to know that there's life out here. More than existing for him to abuse. You are in my prayers and feel free to let me know that you're ok.
Nothing outside of Medieval Torture induces the feeling of helplessness more than being the Child of a Narcissist.
I know ive had a mather who is a narc who drive my father to suicide. She really caused me to kill myself as a child. I was so upset when she wouldnt help me learn to drive or get a job or go to college as I was a senior in high school. I could see she didnt want to lose me as in she didnt want me to grow up....didnt want to lose the person she was abusing. So I ran away with the first man I mat who was 19 years older than me. Then to get away from him I joined the air force. Then I finally ended up moving in with her 32 years later when I had been financially ruined and had an accident which caused me to not be able to work for a year. She tortured me again! She treated me the same sick way she did 30 years ago.....then I got on my feet and able to leave her house a year later but just in time she manifested a severe disease that destroyed her immunity just before the covid started.....so now I feel trapped in her house. She needs me to do all her shopping ....ive got to get away from this toxic person . she tries to make me feel like I'm a horrible person for even suggesting that I'm moving back out .. Ive also lost my income with covid so its trapped me financially with her until I can figure out another way to make the money I used to make working in a restaurant...
Laura Estes I feel you. I have a loved one who was driven to commit suicide by his narcissistic father / family. 😢💔
Also I’ve been running errands for my narc parents during Covid time. But my mom has always found ways to somehow keep a grasp on me.
I don’t know who is more narc, my mom or my dad. Sometimes it’s changing. Their drama is endless!
Laura Estes Im chanting Nam Myoho Renge Kyo for you Laura.
@@lauraestes9304 She uses your desire to be seen as a good person against you. You ARE a good person, no need to prove it! So, you would probably have to become ok with being seen (by her) as a bad person. Just start getting all those hooks out of your self. You then will gradually be able to get away from her influence- first emotionally, than physically as well. If we don't do that internal work, these 'relationships' continue forever, even after death... Unfortunately.
Wow....that's true
Having grown up in that ‘harness’ and marrying into the same strange dynamic (now caregiver to my N parent and divorced my N spouse 18 years ago) I finally learning at age 59 what the name is for the indescribable painful journey that I have been on. Helplessness, yes. Hopefulness - more. Thank you Dr Ramani!
❤️❤️❤️
Same. ❤
God, I love and am so profoundly grateful for this woman. It just struck me that I’ve felt more cared for, seen, supported, encouraged, validated, and understood watching internet videos from a person I have never met than I ever did in all my time with my own double-narc-parent family. THANK YOU. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. What you do here is priceless. ❤️
Learned Helplessness is part of what keeps us Stuck in Trauma-Bonded "relationships". We don't even know that we can "jump the (faux) fence" and get free.
Sometimes people are not motivated to jump over the metaphorical wall because they are too focused on whether it will actually be better on the other side. But that's missing the point. The act of jumping over is the point. It is this act that helps overcome learned helplessness. My mantra when I'm not feeling motivated is "do it anyway". 😊 Once I begin, I nearly always keep going.
Yep jumped to the other side many times, kept finding narcissists on the other side. Now I've learned the lesson, no hope.
Daniel Kaiser completely agree! Great advice. I’m uncomfortable and I’m doing it anyway!
Cherie French seeing and identifying other narcs - that’s like the most beautiful awareness and super power. It’s narc antidote. forward progress.
You have totally described my life, raised with a neglectful narcissist father, I felt hopeless and gave up, turned to drugs and alcohol at a young age. Married a narcissist who became physically abusive, divorced him after having 3 children. It took about 10 years with counciling and going to church and college to gain confidence in myself, then I Married another dang narcissist, had 2 children with him. I felt stuck because Im Christian, I had Pastors tell me divorce a sin the Lord hates divorce, I don't have grounds for divorce because he didn't cheat. I educated myself on narcissism and they don't change, started to see my husband as a wolf in sheep's clothing, he broke the vows long ago by not loving me. I know that my God doesn't want me in this marriage, I don't care what any Pastor has to say about it, they aren't the ones dealing with the narcissist abuse, emotional, financial, and withholding affection. 6 months of learning about narcissism and gray rock, I am now no contact except few text messages regarding the kids, we are in the process of divorce. I did feel so hopeless, and stuck for about 5 years. I am getting my confidence back slowly. I do have a say and you know I am able also. I am overcoming and I will not waste another minute with a narcissist. My narc dad wants me to move back with him, HECK NO!!
You should not divorce your husband just because he isn't a Christian. Abuse, however, is whole other story. Your Pastor should know and understand the difference. AND the Pastor and the elders should have a talk with your husband and if he doesn't change then he should be kicked out of the Church. Is he a Christian?
your pastors are abusive, lying cheats that are throwing you under a bus and leaving you to die so that they can stay comfortable and not deal with anything negative, and they're doing this because they dont care about you. and i say this because anyone who cares about someone will try to help that person get out of an abusive or dangerous situation. your pastors are just using you for your faith, there are better people to put that faith into. and your faith is for you god, not the men that are trying to use your god's name to find power for themselves and to propagate their own absurd prejudices. don't trust these idiots or give their words any worth. they dont have any to begin with. you know your situation better than any man or woman on this planet does because you're the one going through it. if your heart is telling you to get out there must be a very good reason for it. get out.
@@skylaralexis7699 The Bible warns of these "pastors". God calls them hirelings and wolves in sheep's clothing. They are not using you for your faith but rather for your time and money. Don't hate God because of these men for they are not His. God warned us about them so we will know and not be deceived but we must read the Bible and believe it.
Matthew 7:21-23
King James Version
21 Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.
22 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?
23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.
John 10:12
King James Version
12 But he that is an hireling, and not the shepherd, whose own the sheep are not, seeth the wolf coming, and leaveth the sheep, and fleeth: and the wolf catcheth them, and scattereth the sheep.
Matthew 7:15
King James Version
15 Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
@@dakoderii4221
You shouldn't tell her that she should not divorce her husband! You don't know her life!
She has already said he is abusive!
@@skylaralexis7699
People should realise that there is nothing special about Pastors, priests, monks or nuns etc. They are the same as everyone else! In fact the way they give their ego a boost by dressing up and taking a title means they are further away from God!
Churches, as in buildings, are also just buildings! You do not need to go to any church or anywhere to find God.
Remember, "the Kingdom of Heaven is within you". If you want to find God go into your heart.
We Will Survive And Thrive, Our Ancestors Built Stonehenge And The Pyramids,
All Things Are Possible, And We Deserve To Be Safe ! ! !
The saddest true of THEM
This toxicity in the world has indeed made it a matter of survival for the human species.
We definitely do deserve it.
Overcoming learned helplessness coming from a narcissistic family unfortunately also comes with considerable triggering of flashbacks. Just the moment as an adult you find a way to help yourself the anxiety starts in fear of the wrath of the narcissistic parent. As a child these “shocks” are the guilt trips and put downs you experienced - and in a flashback you administer this to yourself. It’s important to anticipate this, when you want to gain back the initiative out of your learned helplessness.
I'm an author/Illustrator and am writing a story of three sisters growing up with a narcissist mother. Interestly it's titled "matchbox houses". Now the 'box' has more meaning. As always, thanks for your insight. You have helped on my journey of recovery. I appreciate you.
Every so often I post on social media.. "why bother." Thank you for reminding me about "learned helplessness." Yeah, okay, I get pretty depressed pretty often. I also get out of it. Now I will be extra kind to myself because it came from a confused learning place. I didn't want to get a divorce because my mother divorced 6 times. My ex did something too troubling for me to excuse and refused to make it right. Separating from narcissists was so hard and so necessary. I suggest support if one cannot afford or find counseling. Some friends of mine do a live chat going over a book on daughters of narcissistic mothers. People are out there doing awesome things like that. Find them.
@I got a billion ways to get it Counseling is great when we can afford it. Support is an add on and sometimes alternative. In some ways, I've had better luck with support. Complex may be exactly why peer association can work well. I learned about grounding, stimming and other techniques to handle anxiety before I learned about them from a counselor.
@@donedennison9237 Indeed. It is a common notion that often patients in a group setting can be more beneficial to each other in certain ways than therapy can be. Or people chatting with each other across the globe in comment sections. This is because a therapist can point the way, but the patients have to do the actual work themselves. When patients are together at the same time all doing the same things, it adds social elements that humans crave which enhances and encourages what the therapist directs.
Dr. Ramani, so happy I found you. This explains so much in my life. I have always been the helper & doer. When my Mom passed, no one in my family has a use for me. But my heart keeps trying. Therphy is ok, but no real answers. I make it a point everyday to do 1 thing, to keep going, some days I do nothing. But I try. I mean I'm really trying, Great video, Thank you!!
Helper - you can help everybody else, but yourself, right? You're doomed, you can't be helped, but that doesn't mean you can't help others. Even as I say it, it's obviously a cognitive distortion. But it's what people with narcissistic parents grew up with, and it stays for a long, long time with you, maybe even a lifetime. We must become very aware of those cognitive distortions, and actively fight them.
@@mbaksa I've been trying. And your totally right! Just the other day I saw a man sitting on the sidewalk, he looked at me but didnt say anything. I can out of the store & gave him some $. He thanked me so much. I had it to give, so I gave. It made me feel useful. Positivly wins the day.
Thank you very much for this video! I'm financially unable to leave my marriage but thanks to therapy & videos like this, I'm learning & understanding so much about my situation. I see how I fell into this marriage & why I didn't leave when I could. I'm learning to cope & make the best of my situation. I would refer anyone to this video who has so rudely responded to my comments about my situation, saying why don't you just leave then?!
The next time you get one of these rude people who tell you to “just leave”, ask them to give you their checkbook/bank information.
@@abowling5759 good one, thanks!!
Not all these people asking why you stay are rude. Maybe curious, maybe they’ve been there, maybe someone they know is doing the same? I don’t know but getting defensive seems a waste of time
Lisa O'Neill you’re very welcome 😊
Thank you Dr. Ramani for your inspirational videos. This is really life- saving and life- changing. This feeling of helplessness gets to you where the Narcissist is at the high end of malicious and psychopathic toxic Narcs. Sad to grow up in a dysfunctional family with generational Narcs. No use to try and be the peacemaker etc. You turn into a people pleaser per excellence. When your bones are broken and severe physical and especially emotional abuse of degrading happens to you as small child, you can get caught in this trap. Often you become that magnet for Narcs., believing you need to try harder and forgive another thousand times- especially if those principles were hammered into your head. It is such a relief to find a community like this, to know that my inner voice was actually correct all these years: that those acts were in fact toxic and bad, and I don't need to allow that in my life anymore. A great antidote against this feeling is to reach within and find your own values and talents and make the most of it- and don't waste your pearls on people who can't and won't understand.
You are meant for greater things: don't make the toxic Narcs the centre of your life and universe. Start getting strong and plan that escape route! Wishing you all the best of blessings.
I started meditating and gardening and I have it thrown in my face so many times. Makes it so hard for me to try and keep doing it
I really can't comprehend information i can't feel anymore. I really don't know what to do and i no longer sleep and constantly sweat. I feel no hope sometimes and other times i feel a bit of it. Thank you for all you do. I am trying my best but i just don't know what to do.
I can't tell you how grateful I am for your channel. Channels like yours have really opened my eyes and helped me take back some of my power. I am so much closer to being able to move away from my narcissistic mother and go NC. She unfortunately has gotten a lot of my family to gaslight me as well and I felt alone but you have helped me learn and make a healthy decision for myself. I value myself and I will be going NC the minute I financially can. Thank you so much!
Wow! This all makes sense. Thank you for really taking the time to talk about helplessness and it’s application to narcissistic abuse. I didn’t identify as much to that concept when I read “the body keeps the score” ; with your video i can see myself clearly. Thank you. It’s been 2 years since I left and at times when I get triggered this *same” sense of helplessness returns. Trying to have compassion and understanding for when this happens. I’m working my way back to being that vibrant, professional, educated confident woman I used to be prior to this dysfunctional long haul marriage. Using all my superpowers 🦸♀️ and your education to keep moving forward! Thank you again! This is going in my “circular thinking” reset tools!
I used to take a holiday and my cousins and sister used to be very narcissistic. After so many years I took a solo trip and to my utter surprise I even enjoyed the slow traffic and tiny details of the holiday. I think your books and videos are so very helpful.
Constant complaining, and bursts of anger, right? They can't live without it, they gather their attention through that.
I was very happy to read your original comment describing how you were able to focus on the little things and derive sincere pleasure and contentment from them. Gratitude is a sign that you are well on the right path of healing, and it is such good news to hear. May you find something good in each little moment in life, now and always. So awesome! ❤
I admit that the dog experiment was hard to listen to..however very illustrative of depression/helplessness.
I've been working on myself to not feel helpless about the toxic, malignant neighbor, even though I practice no contact...I feel like I still have to be on alert and stay one step ahead of her sneaky vindictiveness, etc.
I do feel for the women you mentioned in the world who truly suffer serious narc abuse and inevitable helplessness due to horrible archaic cultural practices (which make my narc problems seem really piddly! ) = I pray for their release from these plights!
Thank You Dr Ramani!
I had to skip that part of dogs.😢
@Anonny Moose hahaha I went, 5 years ago 🌱🌱
@Anonny Moose wow, you are ahead of me 😉 Best decision ever anyway🌱
It really becomes extra damaging and isolating when your family members and few friends do not want to help, not even with emotional support. Abusers see this and think “oh wow what luck! I can keep harming this person!”. Even the cops don’t help with domestic violence or stalking. This is a problem with society in general and really doesn’t get addressed.
After 24 years of marriage it has gotten worse. 😔 splendid video Doctor. Thank you so much for making this one and all the rest. I'm m feeling relieved.
Dr. Ramani is spot on with this one. I stayed in an unhappy marriage for 39 years until he died. For half of the time he was ill with a variety of issues, none of them cancer. I wanted to leave many times, but for economic reasons and fear for my children, I stayed. After he became ill, this empath thought less and less about leaving and more about how to survive. I survived by keeping busy out of the house with things and people I enjoyed. His last hospital stay coincided with the beginning of the pandemic. The hospice doctor said it would only be a week or two. He lasted almost 2 months. My health was suffering. When the nurse came she offered respite care for me and I jumped at it. He only wanted to know why I was doing this to him. I told him he would be back in 5 days, which I truly believed. Mercifully, he passed very early in the morning of the 5th day. I’m doing better than I have in the 40 years since I met him. Thanks to Dr. Ramani and my therapist for helping in my recovery.
Has anyone followed up Seligman's experiment to see how /how long it takes to reverse this pattern?
Thank you again for all you do.
"HR departments don't understand narcissistic abuse." That's the understatement of the year. Their response is always, always "you two just have a personality conflict and need to just work things out". Translation: "we got nuthin', you're on your own".
Dr Ramani is the most gracious and empathetic therapist! She truly wants to help people around the world. She even told people to watch other people’s videos on this topic. As oppose to those who trashed other therapists on TH-cam; calling their stuff rubbish. Dr. Ramani is truly an angel.
Therapy might help IF you can see a therapist. In the past I've tried. My insurance would have covered it. One therapist never returned my call for an appointment. The second one couldn't see me for two months which is a long time when help is needed now. So I watched TH-cam videos. And it helped. Alot!
I am learning something else: be awake when you see these videos, don´t use them to sleep. I love Ramani´s voice, it´s soothing. TH-cam should use the same level of volume on their ads, not make them louder than the video you are watching. Eleven booming loud ads.
Thank you so much Dr. Ramani! This validates my experience even more. I felt like I was in a black hole of depression and apathy. And then add a layer of anxiety because my helplessness kept me from living up to his standards. He would save up his gaslighting for when i would come around again to bringing up our problems. Lather, rinse, repeat. Can you believe that my landlord letting me out of our lease to help protect me and my children was the catalyst for leaving?? It took someone else telling me I had to leave and could literally make me do it. Otherwise, I might still be with him. They helped save us and so have you ❤
Brilliant as always. I do believe that knowledge is power and the key to combating learned helplessness. Thank you.
Everytime I listen to one of these videos a little bit more of my childhood makes sense. I’m so happy to know I’m not alone and that there are people who understand. ❤️
This is the story of my life!
"Stop trying!" --> I get fooled everytime and think 'well maybe if I explain...' #oof
Jyasi Davis I get it.
That reaction to "explain" still gets frequently. Ughhh!
I hear you!
Stop trying - and give that understanding, energy and love to yourself.
A very tough video to watch. I am affected by learned helplessness from growing up in a narcissistic family system. It is so difficult to learn to feel empowered; to feel like I AM enough. Thank you, Dr. Ramani. You tackled a tough subject today.
I told my mother once I felt suicidal and she said go ahead. When I point out something in her, she will flip the script and gaslight me. The craziest thing is my father abused her severely before they divorced. Now, I encourage myself in every way that I can. Thank you. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🖤♥️🖤💜💙💚💛🧡❤️
“Resistance is Futile”. That is what I have written and highlighted in my 2 year journal of the abuse I live with from my Narcissist wife many times. Today the most telling thing happened to me. She said to me “don’t tell me how to feel”. This is what she has done to me my entire life. You cannot beat that type of logic. This is why “Resistance is Futile “
You are right Dr Ramani. I learned this as a child with al alcoholic father and a covert narcissist mother. Now I repeat the mantra with a vastly more abusive “wife”. It is indeed hopeless.
Time to leave......check out dads surviving divorce channel......he div narc wife of 20 yrs & is was tough, but now he’s really happy
Yea my ex husband always told me what I was thinking . He said it's one of 2 things. I'm dumb or I'm lying. And he noted I made it thru 8 yrs of vet school so..must be lying. Bye mr narc! Hes history
I too have come from a narcissistic family and been married to a narcissistic...my entire life. I am 64. I have been told I don't know how he feels, I have no right to judge him and the latest, don't take his inventory. Yesterday, I spoke these words, "I know the truth and I will speak it to you. I have the right to my opinions about your behavior and how it affects me." I also said making apologies 6 months or 6 years after the events with qualifying statements attached are NOT apologies. It felt good to speak my truth, even though it fell on deaf ears and will be spun into more reasons he is the victim in our relationship. I don't care! I am a truth teller. This truth is my freedom!
kay mackay Free at last!!!
In regard to "learned helplessness", this concept is what men are taught by controlling women and the men who enable them. The moment men speak with each other without women present, the real truths start coming out in droves. Try men-only support groups to regain control over the disorientation caused by narcissistic abuse. Mixed groups are fine as long as things like entitlement, shaming, guilting, dismissing, name-calling, gaslighting, disorienting, feminism, gynocentrism, passive-aggression, women turning men's issues into being all about women, and other common forms of narcissistic man-hating are strongly moderated and removed from the group.
Resistance is not futile. Not always. That's learned helplessness.
"Work around the narcissist." I like that! 😁
Thank goodness, I jumped over the wall in the box many years ago! It was life changing! I'm so glad you addressed societal, religious, and cultural expectations because they play a huge part in learned helplessness. Excellent video!
Now, the video has become clearer than the previous videos, thanks for the great content. Respect!👍💚
I’m 45 years old, I separated from my wife almost a years go. I’m devastated but thanks to great people like you, now I understand what I’m dealing with. It’s the worst feeling being in a relationship like this.
I love your videos. They have helped.me so much. Thank you.
Same here, gorgeous! I watch some others but Dr. Ramini is the best❤️
Alcoholics Anonymous Serenity Prayer.....
"Help me to recognize the things I can and can not control and the wisdom to know the difference"
💖
Ok, dogs and electric shocks ... what type of ghouls are zapping helpless dogs with electrical shocks ... anyway ... what comes to mind is the 'infamous' Pavlov's dog experiment, remember that one? Ring the bell, feed the dog, dog drools in anticipation. Well, step two was turn on the light and then beat the dog with a stick but allowing a small box for the dog to escape to. So when the light came the dog jumps in the box. Step three was to ring the bell and turn on the light and the dog would experience catatonia, it would freeze and not know what to do. Sounds quite familiar to todays topic of helplessness. That is what narcs do to us - reward then punish and then punish and reward until you just give up!
Agreed. I hope the day comes when there are no more animal experiments.
EXACTLY described mother.
Abuse, I back away, she reels me back in, immediate abuse begins, I back away, she reels me in, immediate abuse begins, I back away, she reels me in, immediate abuse begins on an endless loop.
I've had enough. She has crossed my boundaries in the most psychopathic and ugly way too many times.
Im a pet sitter and i know im basically a pavlov dog
For me, I was terrified to jump to the other side because I was so afraid my mother would disown me. Which is weird because she disowned me from a young child. The fear however of having no needs met was high
Thank you for the warning, Dr Ramani, it meant a lot! 💟
Also, this topic is very related to social, and economic injustces, and racism.
This is probably the deepest and most long lasting effect of childhood narcissist abuse for me. It's so insidious and becomes a part of you. The line Dr Ramani said about 'even though there is something you can do to get out of a particular situation, it won't work for me' rings so true. Even as I get out of situations and they work out it doesn't bring confidence to the next situation working out. I am slowly building confidence but it is slow!
I am so grateful to Dr Ramani for endless help and encouragement to find ourselves in this dark dark forest of narcissism. I thought it was normal all my life and that it something wrong with me and i am not enough. Finally we know the truth... Thank you Dr Ramani!
Tools. Thank you, Dr. Ramani for giving us tools and kindness.
There is no one out there that compares to you Dr. Ramani, you help me stay grounded, and give me hope. Your work is very important to us suffering in these relationships.
I would still be lost under a rock right now, if it wasn't for Saint Ramani! So grateful to Dr. Ramani.. finding her, enjoying the free education that feels like therapy sessions and learning to navigate my way out of a dark dark place that I never meant to find myself in, Is all thanks to her! I owe the my future to Dr.Saint Ramani! Thank you more than words!
I cried so much during this video. That dog in the harness, is me in my childhood. Thank you Dr. Ramani for the good you're doing to people.
This is so powerful. I'm in therapy now after growing up with this kind of abuse. My whole life I have "attracted" these types of people. I grew up feeling helpless and carried it into adulthood, never really understanding where it came from. I always felt like there was something wrong with me. Now I am completely aware of the insidious abuse. Learned helplessness is a way that kept me stuck and kept repeating the cycle of abuse as an adult. I'm in the process of reclaiming my power, and my eyes are wide open. Thank you for this valuable content, I appreciate all your work. Thank you.
This made me weep.
I WILL not give up. I will jump over my wall .
Dr.Ramani is absolutely amazing at explaining things in a meaningful way! We need Dr.'s like her in my area!
I like to imagine how we can all take the consciousness she brings us and shine this into the lives we touch, wherever we are in this world. with time, our collective healing, clearing, understanding, and empowerment will have a positive effect on all of humanity, all from one person at a time 'waking up', reclaiming our power, setting boundaries, and making new choices for a better life. our better individual lives make the world a better place to live, for all! I really believe that the work we all are participating here is so very important, for it is helping to heal this entire planet!
So happy to see you this morning Doctor Ramani !!! And great to see so many have already watched. I even get up earlier to try to be ready for the video!
I want to learn more on developing a sense of agency. Those of us who were "black sheeped" growing up in narcissistic families carry a sense of helplessness about our life that we are not good enough and/or we have to put up with toxic attitudes because that's what we are "meant" to do (we are conditioned to believe that and its most likely an unconscious belief, we just do it). An activity that helps is - write down all the things you where invalidated with. write down all the things you were not supported with, write down how you were dismissed or how you were diminished. Then on another piece of paper write down for each entry of invalidation etc write down how you are valid, you are supported, you are important, you are significant, write down what ever talent or skills you have. Read all those positive things to yourself as soon as you wake up in the morning, and say them to yourself in front of the mirror even when you feel totally useless, and drained that is when you have to do it even more. just start every morning do it for 40 days, and you will start to notice more positivity and confidence in your life. I love you and all who have suffered at the hands of selfish toxic narcs.
This was so much how i felt, and when i e been in abusive (narc) relationships in work, or siblings after our narc father died, unable to even bother going to authorities because i figure they wont believe me, the narc will have gotten to them first or has better lawyers (from the wealth he stole...) And, im sadly always right. Makes it hard to fight any,ore. And yes, major depression from an early age. Lots of therapy over the years but none who got it, didnt try to put it all on my shoulders.... which of course i feel helpless/hopeless to make change, so not all that helpful most of the times. These videos have helped so much because as i look for a therapist who WILL be appropriate for cptsd issues, inc the emotional neglect and terror of narcissistic parent abuse, maybe i can not waste so much time trying to may bad ones work for me... (yes, there are even narc therapists out there! And some who shame...).
I was discarded almost 2 yrs ago after 26 yrs and I'm still homeless, jobless, destitute and VERY broken! Everything seems to just gets worse and on a daily basis I fight the feeling of wanting to die 😭
So sorry to hear that. You are better off! I promise 💜
Learn how to get present and make your self-talk pleasant
Tina Scott. You've had a long hawl of narcissistic entrapment, you are now out, good for you! Be gentle with yourself first, right now in this very moment you are good enough. Can you write poetry about what you are experiencing or perhaps do some type of art work that expresses your feelings. Create something and put it on the internet, tell people what and why you have created your artwork. Ask for feedback from others or ask others can they relate to it. It would be very beneficial for you to create this sense of agency using a form of art or poetry. Please dont stop trying to jump to the otherside.
Hang in there...this virus isn't helping anyone. Prayer for you!
Also dear one do not stay idler learn new thing 💕🏘️🙏 love yourself and along with prayers increase faith and trust. Blessings
after 40 years I found this information. Saved me. Thank you Dr. Ramani
Thanks dr.Ramani!
Can you please make a video on coping with being discarded? The fact that breakup is not my choice makes everything even harder
The story about the dog research in the beginning was truly fascinating and an eye-opener. I can see it in my own life, especially at work or in personal relationships with others.
I've just realized in the last month or so that I've been living with a narcissistic mother in my life for 32 years. I'm finally starting the long road to recovery thanks in part to you, Dr. Ramani. Thank you so much for your videos!!
I wonder if anyone in this community has never experienced narcissistic abuse at all and is just here because, like, they want to know. If so, you're a real one, and your curiosity goes toward people bring seen and heard. We appreciate you 💖
Then again, when I stop trying to make things work with a narcissist and just try to dodge an work around them, there's usually a fleet of enablers who notice (strangely they have a keener eye for that than for the abuse and for my numerous past attempts to show willing and good faith) and then come and tell me that I do nothing to make things better, that I don't communicate properly (I always try to be extra cautious with my communication, very non-violent, while the narcissist goes all out on me, so to me it seems they extrapolate from the mere fact that I disagree or step out of a crazy-making conversation) and therefore they claim I kinda bring the abuse and isolation on myself. I've been that person before when I didn't know about narcissistic abuse -- well, I never straight up told someone they brought painful stuff on themselves but I tried to get people to try, and was genuinely convinced that was the way to make things work out and that giving up wasn't a solution... so I don't think they all necessarily have bad intentions, but I mean, there really seems to be no way to "just" dodge the narcissist and keep the rest of your social life intact, or at least be left in peace, they poison everything even when you try to kick them out of your life.
Walk away from the flying monkeys.
You are awesome! Thank you for your amazing lessons on narcissism!
Helpless and hopeless , that is why I lived under the heels of these types of people for over 60 years. Truth . Thank you for explaining. Somehow, this brings me peace.
Thank you Doctor Ramani. That hit home. 🙏❤️
I wanted to thank Dr Ramani for breaking down the complexities of this abnormal behavior and teaching it to survivors in easy to understand language. I can testify that once I got to the root cause of my depression, narcissistic abuse from especially mother and family, and was able to make a clean break of it, for an extended amount of time, I am no longer depressed. I am more present, I speak kinder to myself, I go after my dreams, I see that people value me, and finally I have hope that I never really had. I am 48, but I feel like a new born. Thanks for your help, it is making a difference.
I almost jumped when I heard the start of this video, it took me back 25 years ago studying psychology. When this research came up I was flabberghasted, I felt it was the key to understanding so much of my experiences and psyche at the time. Just learning about it at the time became a tool to a better life.
Thank you so very much! After 14 yrs I have left I left everything I am now I'm in a shelter now you helped me cope stay sane when I couldn't leave and knowing when I had to go for my sanity. You sharing information so freely saved my life ❤️
Wow .... this episode definitely went under my skin, feeling disgusted, angry even utmost shocked about the fact what narcissists are able to do ... but the main issue that I am nearly furious about is the fact, as you mentioned, that courts and „normal people“ don‘t see narcissistic abuse of such it is : abuse. As I am a lawyers assistant for many years I habe to agree - but I can only appeal to everyone on this channel to listen to you and to learn and at least taking your life back into your hands and fight. As I have learned there are many ways to kick these terrible creatures out of your head at first and then out of your life. Please don‘t give up 🙏🏼. I am more than grateful to your contribution on this YT Channel and so so - yes let‘s say happ y- that you, Dr. Ramani, filled my „life saver belt“ with a lot of tools to overcome this difficult life situation. Be assured that I inform everyone I know about your books, your Channel content, so that nobody feels helpless anymore because of any narcissist in their surrounding or life. Your work is so important, please never stop doing this - it saves lifes 💕😘🌺 Thank you so so much 💕💕
I recently just heard some of the recordings between Amber Heard and Johnny Depp, kept thinking about stuff I've learned from this channel. You can literally hear her flying into rages, gaslighting him, projecting her own worst qualities onto him, name calling, and trying to shame, blame and control. Absolutely sickening how aggressive and volatile she is. And then she's the one who plays the victim, like she's been subjected to abuse by him. She attacks him over and over (verbally and physically), most of the time he leaves to avoid the abuse, yet that then opens him up to further attacks. It's like a perfect case study for what emotional abuse sounds like and what the tactics look like and even men (with money and power) can find themselves on the receiving end of this. th-cam.com/video/aca0KWoHtqQ/w-d-xo.html
I've read about that experiment in a book - and I cried for them and myself because I felt this was ME. I recogbized MY feelings. Chaotically received doses of emotional pain and relief... still feel helpless. I used to have some power - now it is all flat... I feel like that dog in the box...
Wow have you been a fly on my wall yesterday? So perfect for my current sorrows regarding the Main Narcissist in my life today.
So hard to let go of my evil sibling.
Agency. Do something & feel good about it. Just get something done. I listened to the end of this video 10 times. These are things I never knew. God bless you, Dr. Ramani.
You are blessed dr ramani. Please fight for courts to recognize narcissistic emotional abuse
As I listen, I say - thank you. This video made me weep 😢- but I feel tears of joy. I am hopeful I will overcome.
My psychologist likes Seligman and recommended I read him. I started, heard about the dogs, and that was it. Done with him. I get the concept of learned helplessness and recognize it. But the idea of this experiment on dogs is just abhorrent to me. I have stayed for half my life for exactly this reason. My suicidal thoughts are most frequent and powerful when I feel most helpless. And once again, thank you Dr. Ramani, for acknowledging that there are times that we just cannot leave, as everyone in the comments says. "Just leave!" So simplistic.
Don’t you love the ones that say “just leave!”, as if it were like leaving a store you don’t want to be in...as if they think you must be made of money and it’s a matter of going to a different place to shop.
@@abowling5759 good analogy. There are so many reasons someone might not be able to leave. What with what we go through in the relationship, the last thing we need is other victims of narcissists judging us for not doing what *they* want -- just like the narcissist does.
an "ineffectual passivity" (5:50) . . .for many of us, childhood was essentially an experience of forced captivity- there was no way to escape our environments, and so we had to escape in other ways (dissociation, 'traumatic forgetting', numbing, etc.).. .anxiety is linked to a feeling of hopelessness, "that ongoing sense that there is nothing you can do" (11:00)
I can see now how it was SO important that I took action to leave the narcissists myself. As hard as it was to do so, it was like a baby chick that needed to peck its way out of its own eggshell, in order to build that strength to move into the next part of life.
This video was really helpful for me. Moving on in adulthood is hard. 'nothing I do matters/nothing I can offer helps/nothing I try works' is exactly the state that I live in when I'm low. I thought there was something wrong with me...lol and there is, but it's not ME, it's CONDITIONING. THAT is helpful. Cov.Narc dad tried to push me to have relationships, and I'm really glad none of them worked out. The healthy men left, and I broke up with the others. Being stuck in a relationship before healing would've been extended nightmare. Thanks for this info, Dr Ramani. I'm going to keep individuating and I hope one day the hopelessness goes away.
Story of my life... Being conditioned to accept!! When I'm quite capable of leaping to the other box. But if I jump... The humiliating n passive aggression and looks of disgust stopped me... Wish I'd known n jumped ship a long long time ago. Now I can't I'm stuck but least I now know what's going on! Thank u Dr r. 🤗🤗 now watched this several times and only today has this clicked in my head as to how it's affected all my choices! It's like we lived in a cult as kids!😠😠
This is so helpful everyday! I used to always think that I needed to do something to fix myself. Like, I was the problem. I tried my best to be quiet, stay out of the way, not talk too much, just try to be invisible because I thought that these people would be nicer to me and just leave me alone. I just didn’t understand why and what was going on in my life. Especially growing up with a mother who was so cold, caustic and cruel. That’s what it felt like to me all the time. I always just wanted to run away from her! But in my running away from her without being conscious I ran into more abusive situations. I have memories of such coldness, ugliness and anger towards me from my mother even when I was trying to do right. She took the opportunity to just treat me badly when I needed her the most. It really does make you grow up feeling different. It almost feels like you have a handicap. It’s truly been traumatizing. The memories haunt me and invade my thoughts because it’s so many. It’s all made me a better human being though. I’m much more kind to people . I’m an encouraging person and I genuinely don’t ever want to make anyone feel the way I have felt in my life at the hands of narcissistic people. I’m not a perfect person and I’ve done my share of messing up, getting it wrong, making poor decisions and all. But NEVER have I simply treated someone horribly just because I felt like it or just because I could! I always take a more loving understanding approach toward a situation. I sometimes feel like I’m surrounded by people who in one breath say they love me but, fight and join forces to see me fall. It’s scary.
I did jump to the other side of the box and my recovery started from that moment
Thank you so much Dr Ramani. I can stil recall that helpless feeling especially when I woke up in the morning when my son was little. I felt helpless, shame,lost, miserable, and self-pitied. I was not coping well in those days. I also realised now that I had narcissist abuse at work as well. Next time I would be more carful and will make sure I wont loose my job because of the narcissistic work environment. Your lectures share us with your wisdom and expertise. You are wonderful!
Dr. Ramani is becoming the bright light of my life..
Ya ever have a damn moment?😳
I just had one, and another one, and another one....all in this video.
Damn, Damn it!😳 Dr. Ramani has NEVER met me, and she's still read me for filth. For filth, I say!🤷♀️😩
Exactly what you said at the end! The more I learned about narcissism and began getting terms for these behaviors and started being able to make sense of my former marriage, and also my mother, in terms of ongoing and predictable patterns rather than each crazy making incident on its own, the less helpless I felt. It's an eye rolling/disgusted/still irritating and unfair kind of understanding, but at least it makes sense and fits a blueprint that I can use to help me navigate the interactions. Now I can make a conscious choice to "fluff" when needed to make an interaction easier, or am at least aware that if they're looking for a specific reaction or supply and I don't give it there will be a negative reaction and can decide if that's worth trying to avoid or not. Instead of beating my head against a metaphorical wall asking what I've done to have them bristle or get moody at me and start engaging in circular dialogues full of invalidation, denial, gaslighting, defensiveness, and blameshifting etc. that always just make me feel worse I can always trace it back to how their narcissistic ego was rubbed the wrong way and realize it's not my fault and so feel less of a codependent urge to try to fix it and make it better. It helps me keep my guard up because even when things are good, I still recognize and now have a name for the narcissistic attention and validation seeking they constantly engage in and so I know that nothing has really changed, and thus, there's always the possibility of it flipping around again, which helps me to protect myself by not trusting or disclosing beyond a safely superficial level. That's not to say that it hasn't left me with plenty of scars that are still in the process of being resolved, especially in terms of learning healthier behaviors for new relationships, but the more I learn, the less helpless I feel with them.
I like your advice .You are the best ;
you are sincere,knowledgeable,professional,compassionate,and you show great empathy to us,to me who had to live with this sickness of narcissism.Mom,Dad,my brother-2 yrs younger and sister--10years younger for heaven's sake --have this .
Thank you so much.
I just want to hug you, Dr. Ramani. Thanks for your help.