5 psychological PROCESSES that keep us stuck in narcissistic relationships
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 31 พ.ค. 2024
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
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The narcissist is never the villain in their story and always the hero in their own mind.
right I heard a saying it’s OK if we’re the villain in their story. because they are the clown in our story😂
100%
Narcissist "9LOSS" here again...aka "A_777XSM" ... 🤮🥺🤮
Yeah it's to laugh about🙄
Otherwise they always play the victim.
Like many others all over the world, I can say, without the slightest fear of exaggeration, that your teaching is saving lives or, at the very least, changing them for the better. Your work is priceless. I could never thank you enough, but I must try. Thank you ❤
So true!!! ❤️
I fully endorse your message.
*THANK YOU DR. RAMANI* 💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚
Amen! I 2nd that! 👏🏻💯💯💯
I absolutely love what you say here. Thank you. I share it with two friends who I know appreciate it so much
Dr. Ramini saved and then changed my life. ❤
She is a great teacher and the best on this subject.
I would love to see all medical doctors and therapists be required to take Dr. Ramini classes!!! ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
They poke the bear and blame the bear when the bear bites back. The bear is the problem and they take zero accountability. Focus on inner healing and don't feel guilty for setting boundaries. TY Dr. Ramani
Thank you for reminding again after listening to dr Ramani. Yes, boundaries and staying away is the best way to STOP evil behaviour what is costing our life energy and lust for life.
Stay in peace. And wishing everyone here a blessed, peaceful and prosperus life ❤
This!!!!
"Cognitive dissonance--the fancy technical term for the mind 'f word' that is the narcissistic relationship as we ricochet between love story and horror show." - Dr. Ramani
This... 🎯
I do love the way she puts things! She's like a good friend that doesn't bullshit you & gives you all the respect you've been missing. Even respect to stay where you are til you're ready to believe you deserve more. So many people try to push you and it puts walls up where you need paths.
Sometimes I feel shocked how my narcisistic ex can make a clear truth totally false. Even in such a way that it happens that I can doubt my own truth.
theyre experts at that. ugh.
That's my mother! Now she is elderly she has started with downright lies!
The trauma caused by them is tremendous
❤
25:21 "...they’re actually SOOTHED by you being off balance and they can become quite calm and composed under those conditions." Ugh! I hated when she did this! Thanks for the new item to add to my list of reasons I'm glad I left! 😄
I finally had the presence of mind to observe this. It gave him both calmness and joy to inflict mental pain upon me. When I noticed that, my light bulb went on and I knew the relationship had no hope of working out.
@@lynnebucher6537 Ugh. Joy takes to another level. : - ( Thank god for clarity!
omg . Akkkk . So gross & totally accurate
The narcissist who refuses to get married or have children, is the kindest. Wish they all did this!
❤❤❤
the fact that they're still dating and ruining people's lives is far from being kind....
What Kept Me Stuck With The Narcissist
1/ Thinking I Can Heal The Narcissist Through My Empathy.
2/ Lack Of Emotional Intelligence.
3/Low Self Worth Low Self Esteem
4/ *Gaslighting *
5/*Trauma Bond*
Totally feeling this... I am mostly going through enormous amounts of anger and resentment
The challenge is to remain a sensitive and kind person and be wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove.
If not for your videos I would be stuck in a narracist relationship. Don't be fooled into staying with them . listen to her , she knows what she's talking about
24:56 with each one of those cycles, you are being _increasingly invalidated, gaslighted, manipulated,_ and end up *feeling more confused, helpless, self-blaming, self-doubting, anxious* and *upside down.*
*You basically feel like a mess,* _AND THAT WORKS BEAUTIFULLY FOR THE NARCISSISTIC PERSON,_ because you look externally as the messier one, _THEY ARE ACTUALLY SOOTHED BY YOU BEING OFF BALANCE, and they can become quite calm and composed under those conditions._
Definitely C-PTSD plays a part in why folks stay in narcissistic relationships. I like your "sunk cost fallacy" interplay here. Learning about trauma bonding. I don't think I've ever heard anyone explain 😮 this so effectively. Thank you!
This is so true and it's like "throwing good $ after bad" throwing more possible good years after bad years.
Hoping to pull 777 and coming up
🍋🍋🍋
My marriage was a ricochet from love bombing to horror film. Finding excuses for the narcissist's bad behavior and eventually blaming myself prolonged it.
For me the hope didn’t die until I saw how he treated me during and after my hysterectomy. You would not even believe the things I heard/endured.
I believe you. Mine said the most cruel things when I was sick or injured myself by falling down. Predator came out of him full force. Take care of yourself ❤
I had a stroke (due to emotional abuse/neglect) & never felt so burdensome, unloved, and insecure. You NEVER want a narcissist as your caregiver. Especially one that's supposed to love you.
@@jh53583 thank you 🙏 for verbalizing my pain. Appreciate. So sorry you got hurt. Me too. I thought I will die from broken heart. I had severe shortness of breath and chest pain. I knew I deserve love and respect, but instead I got abuse. He can get enraged by display of affection. There is so much self hate in him, it spill out… what a tragic illness, arrested development, not fully human bc of lack of empathy & remorse. Keep on nurturing yourself 🫶
@@jh53583 so true
@@jh53583I'm starting to think I did too. 2 of them. It may not have been just the amnesia.
Just don't play their game, its a tough situation to be in and we need lot of strength to deal.
No contact works but healing ourselves is as much important. Their mind games made us drain our energy.
It is an awful experience to cruelly gaslighted and then confront the narcissist and they play the helpless victim and. then feel guilty. The narcissist has such Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde traits. The more I learn from videos like this I am less affected by narcissists since I stopped personalizing them so much. Videos like this save lives because we learn how to not play their game. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
The hard part is when you are the scapegoat of the narcissistic family system. How do I keep away from the narcissist while not disturbing the family system and alienating those that I want to remain in relationship with who don’t get it because the narcissistic behavior is not directed at them. It’s such a confusing a no-win place to be.
Dr. Ramani, helplessness is often reinforced by 3 factors: 1 Any attempts to remedy the situation are often met with negative consequences, including punishment by the narc.
2 The narc creates a system of lies including future faking to encourage/force the victim to continue the behavior.
3 The family, cultural, or religious system denies the abuse and reinforces compliance through shame, guilt, rejection and punishment.
Truly a situation of 'nowhere to run, nowhere to hide '
I have been frozen by this phenomena all my life (I'm 75). Thanks to you and Dr. Les Carter I am now well on my way to recovery and wholeness ❤
I am overwhelmed with the awareness of how many different forms of narcissistic abuse red flags I will need to learn to better recognize while coming out of self isolation. Having a psychopath and/or sociopath and narcissistic mother and absent father, and neglectful grandiose covert spouse for 25 yr, invisible to my adult children and now a grandmother. Now what? 5 years in nearly 100% isolation and ready to unstick from my unstuckness. Totally exhausted.
With you on that. I have some really hard days feeling at odds with the world and most in it. I think we live a unplesant world right now. Truth is, I find most peoples shallow self absorbed fakeness annoying and unsettling. I constantly feel I am waking from a bad dream only to find it is real and I have no escape. I want to escape to a place where I have my innocence of evil back. After so many years and counting being around a forked tongued devil I feel the world is not the place to "find myself" again. I tried that, enjoyed some of it in a somewhat solitary hobby, it helped me weather the worst storm of my divorce stress just having a distraction. Now, I prefer my own company most of the time, when I get bored I go on a drive. I do long for people, but there are just too many wrong people out there now.
@@vickimerritt2832I feel pretty much the same way.
Leaving a toxic marriage is more cost than the sunk costs. It's also the future costs of being solo bread winner, loss of sharing pensions, survivor insurance benefits. The future costs when you leave a toxic marriage, especially late in life, can be huge. The sunk costs did not hold me back, but 7 years post divorce and I'm still feeling the financial effects from what was, at the time, 'future costs'.
Thank you for posting this! It's something my step dad admitted he had to do to keep the narc happy. To save himself he had to throw me under. Me being the truth teller and thus the black sheep. God bless you and I pray you remember that it would have been much worse if you stayed.
I getchya! Single middle aged women, loved a good handful of men, believed in love enuff to sink Soooooo much into the relationship. Financially I’m stressed But many ways I’m Soooooo happy
So true. The financial insecurity of leaving has kept me living with a narcissistic spouse for way too many years.
Imagine the people who never married....
Indeed whether it is the demise of common law or marriage, this is the aftermath.
80% of Americans earn less than six figures.
And many people live beyond their means keeping up with the Joneses.
He insinuated himself into my life by asking me out + me rejecting his invitation cuz I was married. He didn’t accept the rejection well + threatened to tell my husband we had an affair. I never even touched the man. My husband was 13 years older than me + was a chronic marijuana smoker, deeming him paranoid. I’m now divorced + alone at 59 with MS. The narc finally left me alone (hopefully) after 13 years!! I never felt so fearful + alone This will take forever to move on from after all the losses caused by this situation
I used to blame my narcs addiction but I now separate the two and helps me see the behavior clearly.
One may enable the other, but if they're unwilling to do anything about either problem, what's the difference what's the reason for any of it? The result is the same.
❤🤷
In Germany we say, alcohol addiction only brings out the bad character that already is there. 😅 Which means, even if the person gets sober, you still have an a**hole in front of you, if he was an a** while drinking, but only a sober one now 😅😅
Well said Narcissists have memory lapses. Dissonance. Narcissism and addiction goes hand in hand.
AA says, "When you sober up a horse thief, you still have a horse thief."
I have heard it said that to overcome the narcissist , one must think like a psychopath. Zero emotions. Goal oriented. Cold and calculated. Other than complete exit and firewall, this may be a useful strategy
I have turned this part into a game. I’m at the point with my narcissist that she is completely predictable. I push back now. I have become comfortable with the “silent treatment” that comes with the pushback. I am realizing that the “silent treatment”, gaslighting, projection and blame shifting don’t last as long when I call out my narcissist. So far, I haven’t awakened with a butcher knife in my chest.
Eventually playing this games gets so exhausting you kind of start seeing yourself becoming somebody you never wanted to be and it takes toll on your mental health..I have been put on anxiety medication while trying to cope with very little support from my siblings who ran away from a situation caused by my mom who claims to have dementia though not tested medically.
I currently live nextdoor to her and not getting any younger.😢.
@@jb5xq I take two happy pills for PTSD and have a therapist on top of a relationship with Jesus to get me through. I think even Jesus gets tired of it sometimes.
@@camoflash7621 I do.
So far!!! 😂🤣😂🤣😂
I don't walk on eggshells either. And say it just like that to them.
*crunch**crunch**crunch*
Beware-she may be so angered that she tries other abuses.
I'm a good artist. Very good. It was my escape and I learned long ago I wouldn't get recognition, or my work would be ruthless critisized and mocked unless the skill was needed for something... that is until people from the outside saw my work and commented to the narc how good I am. Then, they took credit for my achievement, my work, and my vision in the art. Unless, that is, things got tight and then it's a stupid and wasteful hobby. I've been asked to do commissions, and I have, but the art is for me at this point. The skill is there, it's the passion that sometimes isn't. I'm trying to overcome the voices that say it's a waste and ridiculous, and the Learned Helplessness. It's frustrating. Be careful with things you do for you. The narc will claim them if there's any perceived value and still actively work to destroy your love for it at the same time. I used to take thousands of photos, I almost always had my camera... I haven't taken it out in months since my photography and gear was the subject of an incredibly vicious and vindictive attack by my narc.
3:17 They say, "Pain is the barking watchdog of health."
Instead of making the pain go away, listen to it because it's telling you something.
I think I stopped blaming myself because, as a Catholic, I started going to weekly Confession and nightly examination of conscience, which helped me see I wasn't at fault.
Thanks for your hard work to keep us safe
I did not want to leave because we were among the first gay couples to be civilly married in 2004. I had written a letter to the New York Times (that was published) that said, “I want my boyfriend to get my Social Security check when I die.” So it was really about principle for me to a large extent (I called it being committed to commitment), and that’s no way to run your intimate relationship life, but I did for 20 years.
A lot of us stay because our very self worth is tethered to them.
The power of choice is helpful for me...choosing to take a few minutes to play with my puppy, choosing to eat foods that nourish my body, choosing to find peace and stability in the tasks that I choose to do, doing laundry, going for a walk and giving myself a bit of acknowledgement over the healthy achievements rather than getting stuck in wallowing has helped, but I have been blessed with hopefully healthy options to make those choices.
27:00 that’s just what happen to our Mom, our Dad keep saying she’s crazy which also prevent her from getting help in a way atleast anyone believe what she say or atleast someone to listen, she start talking to herself, become homeless for more than 30 years & we couldn’t find her, who knew what’s happening to her on dark street being a vulnerable woman, ‘till she turn senior and she was brought to hospital, the damage cannot be fix, since then at least we know she has a place a comfortable bed to sleep.
As far as establishing agency, I wanted to throw out a suggestion that has helped me greatly (I am in a situation where I am dependant on another person who is quite toxic for shelter for my dog and I right now and I do not own a vehicle either). I got myself a decent bicycle and made connections at the shop where I purchased it and made small chat and learned about trails and group rides and local bike groups and slowly the past six months I committed to biking every day (all that I can) and actively engaged with other cyclists I met. Biking and daily outdoor activity has made me feel well again and it gives me a LOT of joy and new experiences. I was eventually socially brave enough to join a weekly group ride so that at least once every week I bike with other people in a low pressure setting and it is always positive and uplifting and I do not have to share about myself or answer any deep questions, but I am able to feel a belonging and less alone. This has helped greatly with the isolation I was feeling in my situation. This consistent freedom from the toxic enviorment gives me hope for how my life can feel all the time when I am living on my own again. You could do this with ANY special interest or activity. Strongly encourage finding a local group that suits you. Be well❤
I go to the Yoga studio. The contrast between the bad energy of the narc and the good vibes of the Yogis is quite healing 🙏
@@kristielynn5801 yes! I bet that is a great refuge❤️
Dr. Ramani, from the bottom of my heart, I'd like to thank you for the work you are doing! I'm 82 years old, born in the forties, when wives were taught to please there husbands and raise the children.
I'm not sure that my father was a full fledged narcicist, because his abuse was all vocal, nothing physical. But in my adult life, I married five times, to men just like my father! The longest lasting was 12 years, when I kept trying to figure out what I was doing wrong! Long atory short, I came to a mm place in my depression where I felt I had to chose
suicide or leave. I had a son from my
first marriage with me. I could not abandon him to the man that was destroying me. So I went and filed for divorce, after taking the big step of checking into a nearby motel and writing out all my resentments in three stenographers notebooks. My husband came to get me with the children on tow, but I knew I had resolve this for me,
o r I would commit
suicide. Thank heaven for my mother that taught me the value of reading and finding information for myself. And thank you for helping so many others in this day and age.
The last five years of my life have been truly the happiest, comfortable in my own skin and living in a caring community of friends. Again, THANK YOU! ❤
Since childhood, and later in abusive relationships, I've always tried to run away from my abusers, only to run into the next narcissist who was already waiting to "rescue" me. Same with friendships of the same sex. I'm done trying to find good people in my life. The hermit life is lonely, but it's still better than abuse. At least my autistic nervous system can try to recover from all that stress. The low-level neglectful narc who lives across the yard doesn't bother me, as long as I stay detached in radical acceptance.
When we were raised by one or more narc parents, I think we are more likely to get into narc relationships as adults. It's returning to the familiar, and until we really do the self work, we lack the early detection tools required to avoid the next narc. At least that's my conclusion after a lot of self reflection.
Fear of them following through with their threats of hurting someone else that is unsuspecting of the persons ability to kill someone or something…I live with the guilt of being the cause of death for 3 cats…if I had just done what I was told, he wouldn’t have had to tear them to shreds. He threatened to throw his female boss off the roof they were working on because I wouldn’t answer his calls and texts….and she didn’t believe me when I told her what he did to his cats…and I didn’t want to tell her what he threatened…so I told the cops about it when I filed charges on him for assault….I hated that feeling of being responsible for others safety
I'm so sorry for your having to experience this. I've had guilt about animals and the way my bad choices affected their well-being. 😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢
Thank you for validating everything that I was feeling confusion about. The anxiety of the thought of attempting to have a productive conversation with the Narc is soooo over whelming. In the end their is no accountablity , no change only blaming shifting. Even if I take resposiblity for my faults.
Yes, I am realizing this too.
Completely agree word for word..
Sisters! Get out! Get out! Don’t wait! Don’t be afraid!❤❤❤
That's so true Dr. Ramani! My cognitive dissonance must have been HUGE because I kept stuck so long. And my new anxiety in this relationship did the rest to the traumabond! I moved in-and-out many times what I had NEVER done before🤦🏽♀️and I always tried to fix everything what seemed to be wrong while he kept doing what he wanted although he knew it hurt me. He turned my life to a big MESS and now I'm cleaning it up myself!😊
Dr Ramani you are single handedly making a profound impact on mankind! Our world will feel the ripple effect of your information as the swell grows from parents to children creating a better society. ❤ Thank you for your work!
I’ve been in 7 years and finally left. And I am going through all kinds of whatever psychological issues.
1 round of EMDR helped me by about 50%. It seemed miraculous!
The next 11 rounds not so much. I wish I could get back in with her, now that I can talk.
Sleep Lab coming up. I may've stroked out twice, in 6 months. About 5 Year's ago.
An old SLP kid, who may be an Aspie ... and.adhd, after the Trauma.
I continue to learn massively !!!
KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!!! Now that I know he'll never hear me, never care that his gaslighting and sngry rages have hurt me, I now have the tools like Gray Rock, my support team, I can live much easier with him. I dont want to lose my home but eventually I may leave. I distance myself from him as much as I can and build a life for myself. This last few weeks of learning from Dr Ramani has TRANSFORMED MY LIFE!!!
Is there a chance of doing something on disabilities stemming from abuse? I developed psychogenic seizures, PTSD, anxiety, depression, more and more just as the years and exposure went on. I feel broken and cheated and sad and don't know what to do with it all.
People love to excoriate learned helplessness, pretending it's an abdication of responsibility. That's not what it is. When your choices are cut off, you don't keep trying, you have no option but to give up.
I’ve never felt more seen than when listening to the video that started at 22 mins….it’s been 4 months since I left and we were only together a year and some change. I still feel like maybe I was just a huge mess. He consistently reminded me how anxious I was and how all of his coworkers could see how upset he was in the relationship when I felt like I was falling apart inside. I also had that exact experience in couples therapy. Breaking down and crying while he just sat there calmly. One of the first questions the therapists asked me was how I would rate my self confidence on a scale of 1-10. My work suffered. Everything you said is so spot on
Oh MY! I am only 20 seconds in, yet thinking: SHE NAILED IT
I was participating in a dream study at the University of Maryland about 30 yrs ago. I had a dream about a tiger in a three sided cage. The tiger could have left any time but instead lay there. I’ve struggled with learned helplessness my whole life. It’s only in the last five yrs that I’ve really begun to assert myself instead of taking what I’m given. Especially with the medical profession.
I hear you on that ✌
My friend told me "I have a lot on my mind". It was subtle but at the same time i knew it meant she was in distress!
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. I’ve simplified it in my own mind like this, if you have a pile of good apples, and a rain barrel, and there’s this really rotted, moldy apple in there as well….
The mindset of keep adding enough good apples into it is not going to get rid of the rottenness. In fact, it’s more of an opportunity for the rottenness to spread, it’s not like the barrel is going to magically heal, and everything‘s gonna be good and kosher. It doesn’t take a whole lot of rotten stuff to destroy what’s good, but to keep on destroying whatever is added to it as well. How much more in a toxic, narcissistic relationship.
I know from experience because I made the same mistake. There is no remedying rot, except getting the hell out and establishing or going to another barrel that doesn’t have that to begin with.
The hardest thing is, almost everyone looks at the survivor as basically a crazy person and then you get discarded by your family and friends. It’s insane. I understand, it’s hard for them to get it… but it really hurts. Surviving really is like a superpower- and I am five days free of the narc. One I can trust is GOD so I’m putting 100% of my faith in HIM. This world fails and he doesn’t.
Justifying the narcissist's shenanigans is enabling them.. What makes someone stuck is due to their refusal to see the reality of their situation.. Gaslighting themselves...
Sorta but it quickly becomes their 'normal' to the point where they completely forget what real normal is. In the beginning it is definitely a process of self brainwashing and self-sabotage...
Good comment, a reminder to me to not do that. My mother is a selfish person wrapped in a veneer of vulnerable people pleaser martyr. Seeing past that has been so difficult. She is a master at the reacuer/victim guilt ploys
@@bereal6590 Wow! I love your mindfulness! When you're seeing it at play like a movie or a tableau in front of you; it brings that certain awareness within not to repeat that very same mistake in your own life..
Wow! I do this ALL the time!! I’ve had a vague awareness that I “give them the benefit of the doubt” and “try to be empathetic and understand why” they said or did that hurtful unkind unthoughful disrespectful or horrible thing”…. But I never knew this was a Thing! A coping or survival strategy, my logical rational reasonable brain striving to make order and sense of chaos and confusion 😮
Very true. Dr. Ramani is the best at explaining mental illnesses. I have been learning so much!❤😊❤
I took a business class and that was the best lesson I ever learned - knowing when to let go. Many, many, many people don't know when and won't let it go. You said something in another video - so what if they were nice then, for a moment. That doesn't make up for all the times they were awful. I am partially annoyed, it's called 'Narcissistic Abuse.' Its not 'Narcissistic' Abuse - it's just abuse. So call it that. Abuse. We don't need to understand why they did, the did it's wrong, it's horrible. It shouldn't be 'Narcissistic' abuse - it's abuse. You shouldn't treat someone this or that way. I don't care what 'you' suffered. It's wrong. And, if possible, I do think you should 'call them out.' If nothing more than for yourself, if you able to. Put their 'feet to the coals.' They are demons. And they do get their karma. They can't help but get their karma. It may take awhile. They are who they are. That can't and that doesn't change. It's very sad the one thing that they seek they destroy and won't accept.
I started feeling the helplessness around 16, dropped out of school, ran away from home, and had a 5 yr. relationship with a narcissist twice my age. That was the loneliest time, attempted suicide, yet stayed in the relationship until I was discarded. I’ve had several other relationships with narcissists, all but one alcoholic. Both my parents were narcissists, and yeah, it’s like being a dog that’s shocked in a box with no escape. This is a powerful realization for me, explaining why I have simply given up.
Don’t give up; you are worth so much more! ❤
People stay in familial toxic relationships because we like feeling connected to our roots, where we cam from. All of our childhood is wrapped in these people but each time you’re around them, they pit you in emotional turmoil. The fear of not belonging or the twinges of envy when others are planning events with their own siblings can cause so much anguish. But anguish is a part of life with narcs and flying monkeys and life holds so much more for you to experience. Stop the love leaks of toxic relationships and learn to move on without them. Feel genuine love and adoration by allowing it in from other sources. I promise you, your toxic family is not a good well from which to drink. ❤
Thank you for this. The juxtaposition of hope dying last and learned helplessness is really helpful to see where that misplaced hope kept me alive and trying so long and eventually helped me leave (hoping that would be their rock bottom). Where a bit of experiences like the experiments for learned helplessness is super super triggering to me still, the idea that I can't do anything to change the situation as it is, is something I need to learn more and some to help me radically accept and move on faster. I realize that's not what learned helplessness really is because it tends to be more pervasive and negate any sense of agency, but with the toxic sense of agency that I believe I was programmed into living out of (it's all in my hands and my responsibility, fault if it's not working out and I'm not happy or if I'm hurt what did *I* do wrong and I certainly can fix it by adjusting myself, codependent, farwning, hypervigilence, etc), I need a dash of that reality check that says, hun, you can't change this/them and you need to stop trying and see what you can do to move on without that.
Dr. Ramani this is a great video! Listening to this video sounded just like what I experienced in my Toxic relationship. I am so grateful for when I went onto hiding and called the National Domestic Hotline your video was one of the first ones that I listened to . I was in my relationship for over five years and couldn't figure out what I was dealing with. I just knew I wasn't happy and I needed to get out of it. I still to this day don't know how your video came to my utube ,but I'm very Thankful it did. It has been over a year since I have subscribed to you. I am also grateful for some of the people in my life that were concerned for me and told me I was in a controlled relationship. Before I ended my relationship I had started to plan in my mind what I was going to do. It is so important for everyone to have their own money, at least one or two credit cards so if they have to leave like I did you can afford to stay on a decent hotel to get yourself away. But the most important thing is to not ignore the Red Flags from the beginning so you can end the relationship before you really get into it.
Thank you again, Dr. Ramani for providing a number of boxes with your videos that we who have been harmed, may jump into...if only for a couple of minutes each day. Your good work really helps!
What a great listen! Addiction/relapse
crazy life style. Getting out for good this time has really helped me see the truth. For me I had to really take a look at my roll. Not in his addiction,
but not knowing the depth of narc abuse. I surrendered to all that was & my healing began. Therapy, my self esteem & return of dignity. I had no idea how deep the rabbit hole had gotten. Thank you for educating us
& mostly thanks to me for wanting to learn.
Yup. You explained the learned helplessness, perfectly. I'm tired. Can't seem to "fit", anywhere. As a child, when I realized that no matter how many Straight A's I got, my parents weren't going to be happy...that was kind of the start. 63 years old and many flashbacks later...this abyss is deep. Thank you Dr. Ramani. Don't know where I'm going with this. But thanks.
I needed this thank you Dr Ramani ❤❤
Just left a narcissistic relationship on Monday, after finding Dr Ramani's videos. I did not know what Narcissistic relationships were..He sat there cold as a stone with no feeling as I tried to discuss his behavior. No emotion or empathy...I am making my "list" to read and re-read, in case I waiver; to remind myself of the abuse. An incident that came up a few months ago came to mind as I wrote the list. After another fight as I am getting in my car to leave. He stood in the drive way, with what I can only describe as the most evil smile on his face...he had gotten me to react. The smile was pure evil!! As I listen to this video, I feel like such a fool bc of all the time and effort..."forgiving", "understanding" him. Yes, being hoovered back too many times to count!!! But, as Dr Ramani has conveyd, getting to the point of recognizing the truth of what a Narcissistic relationship is, AND why you stay, begins the journey of wisdom and love for yourself... to take a stand. I was also in a 13 year marriage and didn't know that also was a Narcissistic relationship..."yeah we will have kids when my career is more secure". I have no children bc of this pattern. In this recent 2 yr relationship, I see now what is going on, from these videos. I am fortunate enough to be able to go "No Contact".This time with these support videos, I am going to love myself MORE than him and stay out. I am also learning about "Trauma Bonding"... bc of a Narcissistic parent. Wow!! What a gift these videos are. Priceless. Thank you, Dr Ramani 🙏
I think most of know when we are being lied to. Dissociating from those lies and saying well I know I’m being lied to but if I keep thinking about it I’m going into a rabbit hole and it’s going to affect my emotions and decisions. Let me just keep moving. Feeling like you wasted time is the worst. But the way I learned to get out of it is trying to fight for my kid and my old self. It has been a hard journey. I really didn’t want to become someone I’m not. I almost became that. I had to fight for my sanity, my child, my dreams and my heart back. I finally feel like I gotten those things. Today I had a dream where I heard my grandfather tell me, “lucky is the guy who gets your heart.” I for sure forget what I have to offer and I think that dream served as a reminder. Seeing things for what they are is not cruel. Most of us have gone through hard times. Most of us do want to become better people but we can’t make anyone what that. They have to wait it for themselves.
She had me convinced I was the narcissist. I’m so upset now coming into the realization that not only was I being abused but I did things I regret and will probably never feel not guilty for.
I found that the only way I could move on and separate myself from him was to be the genuine empathic person I always wanted to keep on being nomatter what the relationship had turned me Into. So I was the bigger and better person, forgave him, and myself and let us both go, explaining my reasons, wishing him well. I freed a weight from my shoulders I believe, by doing this In a way he didn't deserve, but in a way he couldn't take away from me. I then blocked him so he couldn't have access to me. Then 100% I started work on myself a d dealt with the thoughts logically that came into my head. 🍒
I am looking forward to hearing today's segment. Although it's taking a lot longer for me to heal, and rebuild I am getting stronger and better equipped to walking away and cutting people off and out of my life for my well being and my sanity.
What if it's an elderly parent, who needs help, care? You want to help because theyre your parent and a human? But I'm yired of being trashed every time i habe to go back home...
You find someone else to go instead, or you go in with a support group. Whatever they have to say, it's always much worse when they have you alone or with their enablers around.
That sounds so like me.
@@cc1k435Good idea if you can put the shame and guilt away.
Got to do what your heart tells you otherwise you will beat yourself up later
I am in this situation,only that the love bombing is for a day or two...then bang...the abuse cycle starts again ..smear campaigns and all the disdain like you are not even able to help them or able to make decisions for them yet they failed to play the parental role all along till in the old age. They hold on so tightly to control and even use the children against each other as supply if one of the other children says no to the bad decisions they make.
Relationships broken,money lost,mental illnesses for the loved ones involved,. It's s all too much because with a facade of that old frail persona,no one would suspect what goes on behind the scenes or even the history trail of the traumas.
Dr. Ramani’s illustration of the cognitive dissonance journal could be an Alanis Morissette song!😅. On a serious note, it was by listening to her songs that I realized some of the actions of a narcissist😢.
❤ I reached my breaking point last night. I have continually explained everything here in my own layman's terms over 7 months of betrayal trauma... And 1 year of gaslighting and lies...when my intuition propelled me to ask. I asked for truth right up till I found the proof. Then the cold, devilish glare and an entire new person came out.
I've had 3 hrs of sleep in 2 nights..and many other hypervigilant nights of no sleep for 7 months... .And here your video pops up the first thing today.
THANK YOU for the best description I've EVER heard. ❤ this solidified my breaking point and I will not be sucked back in. I'm done. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU 😢
There was a time in my last N 10 yr marriage that I came close to giving up and staying a victim but somehow I kept a bit of spirit in me remembering my 15 yrs of freedom from the first 25 yrs! I made it out a yr later ! Thank God!
Its like they are demonically possessed. Keeps doing the worst thing at the worst time yet seems totally oblivious to it. I dont think I can ever see them again. Not now theyve let the demon take so much control.
It is great now to understand this! Two yesrs ago I was at the situation that I ruminsted about my boss. I knew already, what it means. If I must ruminate, it is a warning. Now, I do not have to ruminate. Actually, I love my present boss. I am so happy to co-create with her. Yeah, I know the difference with Evil and Good.
The algorithm got me to you somehow, I have been listening to you, and first I realised that my boss was a narcissist, and then I understood what was happening and how, then you helped me pause and empathise a little with their minds instead of falling into a revenge rampage myself, then you helped me decide what I should do since they were pretty much trying to stay in control of me as i was avoiding their manipulation, and now...I think I'm coming out of their orbit, and feel calm. Thank you so much.
thank you dr ramani. you helped me after my narcissistic relationship and now my friend has experienced meeting a narcissist, so now i will be forwarding this to him.
It's really funny seeing them after three years. I don't feel anything that attracts me to them. The truth set me free. Dr. Ramani is an Ambassador of Deliverance. I am very thankful.
This session makes soooo much sense. My sister is stuck in this with our narcissistic stepmother. She plays her like a fiddle. My sister makes excuses for her. This has been going on for 60+ years. It’s good to have a name for it. My sister was 3 when the NM came into our lives (I was 4). I think she has this learned helplessness. I try to stay away from both of them so she will see the truth. I am the black sheep, troublemaker now, but it used to be her.
"STOP TRYING!!!" Love your passion Dr. Ramani!
Sunk cost fallacy is also the justification for keeping materialistic things, also.
36 years.... still can't walk away. Help!
Most obstacles are financial, perfect family illusions and hope. Do you mind me asking what your obstacles are? Try not to panic about the 36 years, rather pick a date and stick to it. Kinda like ripping off a bandaid.
@@davidgregg6860 I think my obstacles are perfect family illusion, hope and fear of being alone.
Thank you for the analogy of helplessness with the dog/animal experiments. I guess helplessness is being trapped in the fear that there might be something even more horrible outside of our current experience! The idea that you are alone in this misery and that NO MATTER what you do (if you get the courage that is) is going to produce the same if not more misery is the definition of living in a trapp. The goal posts of your escape from it get constantly moved by years and years and the feeling of no hope is the only clear realization. Unless you take very aggressive measures and carefully consider who knows about them.
Isolation can become like a trap, but by now I don't even feel that I want anything from people anymore. I can't conceive of anything positive that could happen to me out there in that superficial world. It's all too much stress on my exhausted nervous system and I just want to be left alone. I would need another body to try connecting again. Maybe autistic people are not meant to connect; maybe with insufficient oxytocin there is less desire for connection?
I seem to have understood something completely different.... The ongoing suffering, no matter how many times the dogs takes action to get out of pain and discomfort , teaches them that undertaking action elongates the suffering. When the dogs stop trying, the experiment ends and the suffering stops.
So the dogs learn that passivity is the only effective way out of suffering. Whatever you do, do not try to do something yourself. Suppress your instinctive self reliance. Wait in passivity and somehow the suffering will end beyond your influence.
That is what I took away from these dog experiments.
Solomon Asch also did some interesting experiments worth looking into.
The future will always be more of the same with narcissist relationships. Love this quote from Dr R. Gives me some peace in that I made the right choice to leave.
Yes, your knowledge is helping lives.I feel GOD is helping several victims in your form. May good bless you.
Thanks!
Thanks so much for your generous support!!
Narcissist see themselves as "saviors " with a big heart
Even if they have ruin you life they are good because they make you a favor in letting you free.... no joke..
A problem is that cognitive dissonance is a tool, not a bug. But right, it’s the Greek dog with two bones. Or the fox and the grapes. This is what I love about your channel.
Yes. Cognitive dissonance is not the problem. The problem is when we try to fix the dissonance and reconcile it, and that cannot be done. Removing yourself is the only answer.
I am the person who has to help
Thankyou for making me realise I can't do it
Trying has made me sick ...given me headaches and nightmares and my partner has STAYED THE SAME
THANKYOU 💜 for saving my sanity !!!
You brought me to stinging tears while I was watching the segment on learned helplessness when you cut right to the core of the issue when you said stop trying and in my specific circumstance it involves unreciprocated effort and emotional abandonment from someone I have strong feelings for, essentially a case of unrequited love. I put on the brave face and continued contact long after he went radio silent in hopes that there would still be a connection and I in turn have tried to go no contact in return and employ radical acceptance that he and I are just at present unable to harmoniously align, that both our paths are respectively frought with difficulties that get in the way of us having a meaningful and mutually emotionally supportive connection. Radical acceptance sucks but does it ever hold a mirror to that part of ourselves that resists the need to continue pouring water into a bucket with a hole in it in hope of it filling up when we know no matter how hard we try that it will never fill. Coming to grips with my own learned helplessness is going to be a very enlightening and liberating process. Sometimes we just need to have to hear a reinforcing truth even if it may hurt and for that Dr. Ramani I thank you.
Thank you so many even professionals say things like you’re broken and you’re damaged and I can’t comprehend that that’s not the language I want to use when I’m On the path to co creating my wholeness -wellness with my source again. It’s a fine line because we’re trying to take accountability and not be a victim and yet not blame them or ourselves it’s quite a little dance thank you for your assistance
THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH FOR THE TIMESTAMPS!! IT'S A HUGE HELP!
This is a really good video. I walked away from my older, narcissist, daughter, and no contact is working fine for me. However, my other daughter and I still have contact. This is harder to manage for me. I realize I’m still standing on the floorgetting shocked. She will never be the daughter I wish she could be. Never.
Exactly, it may be great on paper with the Narc, having the best car, the house the kids, the career that can be had but the pain and suffering with the narcissist ruins the perceived dream. There is so freedom with them
I have healed so much from listening to you. Thank you!!❤
fights. Thank you so much for your books and your channel. It has helped me immensely. Love, respect, admiration, and eternal gratitude for you @doctorRamani. ❤ 🙏
The closest mine came to an apology was. I'm sorry if I did anything to hurt you". Half assed apology of sorts,, without really taking any blame or responsibility at all
I love this. Honesty to self is the ultimate self care.
Yet another excellent tip to close this part of healing -- ok, Mummy dear had a hard life but it's still not ok to treat me like crap. Yes, yes, yes, thank you Dr. Ramani!
I don't trust having people coming into my life so badly that I don't trust running into old friends.
Thank You again for another incredible enlightening video,Dr.Ramani. I now understand why I keep going in and out of a abusive relationship.
Thank you for the content dr ramani ❤ stopped watching your videos for a while thought I was putting this in my head and that I'm not in a narcissistic relationship. It took me two weeks and I'm back rat racing what I missed. I'm done! Your videos makes me understand what I have been through and makes me feel sorry for them because they are sick. Can't thank you enough your videos are my therapy sessions ❤
You are so accurate it's scary. You absolutely nailed it all. Omg how true. You make me feel every emotion you describe like it's happening now. WOW I'm in a mess.
Thank God I found this channel. I was so lost and had absolutely no idea what narcissism was or how it worked and this information is like everything you say, you're saying right to me. You are amazing! The whole time for me, I thought I was making all this progress and becoming a better man, but I look back now and realize I was just completing cycles and each time I did, I lost a piece of myself.