If you are not in a marriage or there are no children involved, there is absolutely no reason to put up with DAs anymore after they have hurt you so deeply. They are adults and should take responsibility for their actions and do their own work on themselves. I don't believe anyone should reach out to a DA. Spare yourself the pain and do not put yourself through it all again.
This resonates and I hope it brings my DA back. We had a very strong intellectual connection. When we first started dating, we purchased a dating card game that gave prompts for get to know you topics. We always joked about how we didn't need these cards, because we would just talk for hours and hours ourselves. I recently saw his dating profile and he says "please have a conversation that flows". So I am assuming he's having a hard time finding a similar intellectual connection with someone else.
OMG Katya , I can resonate with a lot of what you're saying in particular the point where you say they ended it because they couldn't give me what I wanted, but they wanted to. The point that so resonates with me is where I have to reach out in order for him to come back. He definitely harbours alot of shame & guilt that it paralysis him or he fears I will never want to hear from him again. Life is too short in my opinion to waste time - I love him and I want to help him ( without him knowing) to make him secure keeping in mind my own needs & boundaries and I have reached out to him after 3 months of no contact and we are moving forward. Every individual and relationship is different. Each person knows their partner best and needs to follow their gut instincts. For those of you who wondered how I reached out . I shared a song he loves . He said it was beautiful. I asked if he was referring to me 😅 - he agreed. They opened up the dialogue.❤
My exDA shared the same cycling passion and it hits me hard every time I go past the places we used to see together. Hoping against all hopes this particular connection might make her reconsider her decision.
@@dominikwolski9577 If I am representative of DAs that share interests, yes, I look for mates that only have the same interests as me - I will take my ex back purely because of our shared interest.
Ya this was us Katya. We had a good dynamic because i think i became FA in the relationship. We gave eachother space and it created this longing. But in the end this is partly what caused her to leave. She felt like she was in limerence with the idea of me. Or the fantasy of the relationship she wanted with me. And not what we really had. Whats important to note is that yes DA's need space when they deactivate BUT all they truly want to begin with is safety. And so by just mirroring her and having this dynamic i wasnt there for her and i stopped beeing safe for her. We didnt have proper communication and so in time she deactivated for good. She admited she also had part in it but i have no idea to what extent she is able to be self aware or self reflect. Since she left me i became more AP as it triggered old wounds. And so i begged and pleaded. So now i'm adament on giving her space and time. Dont have a choice. I'm in no contact for a couple months. But i will reach back out to her by then. 🤞Thank you for this video.
I really can't figure my ex out. He had a huge amount if DA behaviours and at the end blindsided me with a sudden unfathomable discard...yet in person he was warm emotional affectionate verbally and physically, present and conected. He appologised for his mistakes and seemed to be secure and in control....until the end then it became super clear something was off. I doubt he will be back as he knows he messed up and appologised for it! I guess I am fortunate that I got it and wasn't ghosted. I consiered reaching out however his final message was that I gave him anxiety and he felt speaking to me would do no good. I did nothing to provoke this other than the fact I was becoming more free in my life and I believe he was scared I would want more of his time than 5 hours a week. 😅 I think I have to respect his words and respect myself. If he can't muster up the courage to come back and talk there would be very little hope if a healthy reconciliation.
Not exactly in a relationship - more like a situationship, after a friendship of many years with a very strong intellectual connection that overlapped our jobs for a few years. Then I got _really_ attached, and they ghosted me. I'm hoping the friendship can be rekindled because at least I rate it as very valuable and rare. For me reason #1 - less avoidant DA - does not apply. I'm the FA so they are more avoidant. But that means #4 - I'm the hot/cold one - might apply. #2 - intellectual connection - definitely applies. #3 - longing... - maybe applied on their end, definitely did on mine. #5 - mess-up - only applies if they come to recognise ghosting is rude and/or did that because they might have wanted to have a tough conversation but couldn't/wouldn't bring themselves to do it.
Eventhough my ex told me, he doesnt wont me in his life, this video will state the contrary 🤣 Several point applies! He was always more attached to me than I was to him- this changed a bit in the last month as he retreated. We were highly connected. We almost chared every hobby! Only in the last month some of his hobbies changed dramatically which consumed our two-two time, which I criticized and he blamed me for not supporting him, which was not true. Our relationship was about for longing but not lately thanks to covid. He mest up with communication (not only)- he blames me but I told him that he needs therapy and he actually is going to a therapist right now (AFTER break up). If I have to reach out, I will do it, but I want him to have some more therapy sessions. Right now I dont have the feeling that he will come back, but after this video I should better keep my hopes up.
What are we talking about when we say "maybe there's limerence on both sides when the two parties come into contact"? If they are (were) in an relationship together that's almost by definition not limerent, is it?
Great question! You can be in a relationship and continue to experience limerence. Some people can be limerent throughout a relationship. Limerence doesn’t solely apply to a secret crush, unrequited love, or in reaction to an inconsistent partner. Limerence is simply a state of infatuation.
I know it's a stupid question, and I should move on most likely..but how common is it for a da to come back after 2 times of running from the commitment?
My DA has left and come back so many times, and I am the one who gets hurt over and over! My friends/family and even I think I would be crazy to even consider letting him into my life again. I’m hoping that this time I will be strong enough to keep the door shut and locked, and move on in a healthier relationship.
@@JoyJoy-my3cj I know the feeling..I've had feelings for mine and we've dated off and on over the last 3 years, lived together for a year, dated in high school 30 years ago...but Everytime I want to get serious, she locks herself down, packs and runs away for a few months..I know I should be over it and move on, but nearly 30 years is a long time to carry feelings,it isn't as easy as just ....let it go
I agree. Some people find intellectual connection as the safest way to emotionally connect. Intellectual connection is often imbued or linked with positive feelings.
In the Aro/Ace community they often distinguish six kinds of attraction: aesthetic, intellectual, emotional, romantic, sensual, and sexual. And relationships may be based on any combination of the six. From what I understand DAs are low on romantic and especially emotional connection but high on intellectual, sensual or sexual connection.
@@piano99violin as I understand it, DAs likely are victims of childhood emotional neglect to some degree. And, as a result, they have a reduced capacity to process emotions and they limit their emotional connection as a coping mechanism. I wouldn't make statements about total lack or total inability. Sad? I don't know. Not any sadder, or sad for different reasons, than being an FA or an AP.
@@carrievaleriaalvarez2198 yes you are totally right they act from their copingmechanism, and by sad I mean I wish they would have become as they could have become if their caregivers gave them the love and safety every child needs. Because this has so many effects on all their relationships and not only the romantic ones. I didn’t mean it the way I wrote it, so I will delete my comment Thank you for pointing out that to me.
@@piano99violin yeah, well, as a strong FA I can also "wish I had become as I could have been" instead of leaving a trail of broken relationships in my wake before realising I need to work on myself...
Met my ex at work. I have been in no contact for about 18 months . She unblocked me on IG , but she still hasnt reached out. Does this mean anything ? Im still in no contact.
Hmm not sure. People’s social media behavior is not my specialty. But I’d say if enough time goes by blocking someone may become pointless. Or if blocking was a way of distancing maybe they no longer need to create that additional layer of distance or separation.
@KatyaMorozova Thank you for being honest and thanks for replying. I will stay in no contact until she reaches out. She was a good women and I would love to try again with her 🙏 Your videos help me so much 🙏
Met DA at church last fall. She broke it off in January. I blocked her on FB in July. Occasionally will see at church. Where we sometimes perform music together. I’ve also been in no contact for a couple months when I had to let her know I wasn’t comfortable with “just friends”. All to say, I’m hoping to have another conversation in coming weeks after church, it’s a safe place and might break the iceberg. Here’s hoping!
can I ask if being a coworker contributed to your breakup? i’m seeing this from a different perspective, my DA left me and moved on really fast with a coworker at work, I feel immense guilt and loss over losing this person who was my best friend and partner over the past 5 years, and I feel like she will never feel any loss moving on this fast and I have limited hope. the separation anxiety is so strong months later, I can only hope being a coworker has its flaws also?
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If you are not in a marriage or there are no children involved, there is absolutely no reason to put up with DAs anymore after they have hurt you so deeply. They are adults and should take responsibility for their actions and do their own work on themselves. I don't believe anyone should reach out to a DA. Spare yourself the pain and do not put yourself through it all again.
This resonates and I hope it brings my DA back. We had a very strong intellectual connection. When we first started dating, we purchased a dating card game that gave prompts for get to know you topics. We always joked about how we didn't need these cards, because we would just talk for hours and hours ourselves. I recently saw his dating profile and he says "please have a conversation that flows". So I am assuming he's having a hard time finding a similar intellectual connection with someone else.
Thank you for sharing!
They run out of other options
OMG Katya , I can resonate with a lot of what you're saying in particular the point where you say they ended it because they couldn't give me what I wanted, but they wanted to. The point that so resonates with me is where I have to reach out in order for him to come back. He definitely harbours alot of shame & guilt that it paralysis him or he fears I will never want to hear from him again. Life is too short in my opinion to waste time - I love him and I want to help him ( without him knowing) to make him secure keeping in mind my own needs & boundaries and I have reached out to him after 3 months of no contact and we are moving forward. Every individual and relationship is different. Each person knows their partner best and needs to follow their gut instincts.
For those of you who wondered how I reached out . I shared a song he loves . He said it was beautiful. I asked if he was referring to me 😅 - he agreed. They opened up the dialogue.❤
My love and I met in a pool tournament. My empathic nature always want to give him safety and show him new experiences.
Why would anyone wanna reach out to these low-end narcs...
Absolutely 😊
They are good in bed and use manipulation
DA here and gone back to the ex for that reason - yes. Endorse this message - met at cycling clubs, we have shared hobbies. Hard to find.
My exDA shared the same cycling passion and it hits me hard every time I go past the places we used to see together. Hoping against all hopes this particular connection might make her reconsider her decision.
@@dominikwolski9577 If I am representative of DAs that share interests, yes, I look for mates that only have the same interests as me - I will take my ex back purely because of our shared interest.
Ya this was us Katya. We had a good dynamic because i think i became FA in the relationship. We gave eachother space and it created this longing. But in the end this is partly what caused her to leave. She felt like she was in limerence with the idea of me. Or the fantasy of the relationship she wanted with me. And not what we really had. Whats important to note is that yes DA's need space when they deactivate BUT all they truly want to begin with is safety. And so by just mirroring her and having this dynamic i wasnt there for her and i stopped beeing safe for her. We didnt have proper communication and so in time she deactivated for good. She admited she also had part in it but i have no idea to what extent she is able to be self aware or self reflect. Since she left me i became more AP as it triggered old wounds. And so i begged and pleaded. So now i'm adament on giving her space and time. Dont have a choice. I'm in no contact for a couple months. But i will reach back out to her by then. 🤞Thank you for this video.
I really can't figure my ex out. He had a huge amount if DA behaviours and at the end blindsided me with a sudden unfathomable discard...yet in person he was warm emotional affectionate verbally and physically, present and conected. He appologised for his mistakes and seemed to be secure and in control....until the end then it became super clear something was off. I doubt he will be back as he knows he messed up and appologised for it! I guess I am fortunate that I got it and wasn't ghosted. I consiered reaching out however his final message was that I gave him anxiety and he felt speaking to me would do no good. I did nothing to provoke this other than the fact I was becoming more free in my life and I believe he was scared I would want more of his time than 5 hours a week. 😅 I think I have to respect his words and respect myself. If he can't muster up the courage to come back and talk there would be very little hope if a healthy reconciliation.
update?
@Burning_the_toast from me?
Not exactly in a relationship - more like a situationship, after a friendship of many years with a very strong intellectual connection that overlapped our jobs for a few years. Then I got _really_ attached, and they ghosted me. I'm hoping the friendship can be rekindled because at least I rate it as very valuable and rare.
For me reason #1 - less avoidant DA - does not apply. I'm the FA so they are more avoidant. But that means #4 - I'm the hot/cold one - might apply. #2 - intellectual connection - definitely applies. #3 - longing... - maybe applied on their end, definitely did on mine. #5 - mess-up - only applies if they come to recognise ghosting is rude and/or did that because they might have wanted to have a tough conversation but couldn't/wouldn't bring themselves to do it.
Eventhough my ex told me, he doesnt wont me in his life, this video will state the contrary 🤣 Several point applies!
He was always more attached to me than I was to him- this changed a bit in the last month as he retreated.
We were highly connected. We almost chared every hobby! Only in the last month some of his hobbies changed dramatically which consumed our two-two time, which I criticized and he blamed me for not supporting him, which was not true.
Our relationship was about for longing but not lately thanks to covid.
He mest up with communication (not only)- he blames me but I told him that he needs therapy and he actually is going to a therapist right now (AFTER break up). If I have to reach out, I will do it, but I want him to have some more therapy sessions.
Right now I dont have the feeling that he will come back, but after this video I should better keep my hopes up.
What are we talking about when we say "maybe there's limerence on both sides when the two parties come into contact"? If they are (were) in an relationship together that's almost by definition not limerent, is it?
Great question! You can be in a relationship and continue to experience limerence. Some people can be limerent throughout a relationship. Limerence doesn’t solely apply to a secret crush, unrequited love, or in reaction to an inconsistent partner.
Limerence is simply a state of infatuation.
I know it's a stupid question, and I should move on most likely..but how common is it for a da to come back after 2 times of running from the commitment?
I would like to know, too.
My DA has left and come back so many times, and I am the one who gets hurt over and over! My friends/family and even I think I would be crazy to even consider letting him into my life again. I’m hoping that this time I will be strong enough to keep the door shut and locked, and move on in a healthier relationship.
@@JoyJoy-my3cj I know the feeling..I've had feelings for mine and we've dated off and on over the last 3 years, lived together for a year, dated in high school 30 years ago...but Everytime I want to get serious, she locks herself down, packs and runs away for a few months..I know I should be over it and move on, but nearly 30 years is a long time to carry feelings,it isn't as easy as just ....let it go
They come back as many times as you let them, or until they really feel there is no possibility of reconciliation.
@@JoyJoy-my3cj I've lost count, but I think mine broke up with me something like 30 times in about two years. I'm in the same boat as you.
We met at work
Isn’t love about all emotional connection rather than pure rational? Best would be a combi?
I agree. Some people find intellectual connection as the safest way to emotionally connect. Intellectual connection is often imbued or linked with positive feelings.
In the Aro/Ace community they often distinguish six kinds of attraction: aesthetic, intellectual, emotional, romantic, sensual, and sexual. And relationships may be based on any combination of the six. From what I understand DAs are low on romantic and especially emotional connection but high on intellectual, sensual or sexual connection.
@@piano99violin as I understand it, DAs likely are victims of childhood emotional neglect to some degree. And, as a result, they have a reduced capacity to process emotions and they limit their emotional connection as a coping mechanism. I wouldn't make statements about total lack or total inability.
Sad? I don't know. Not any sadder, or sad for different reasons, than being an FA or an AP.
@@carrievaleriaalvarez2198 yes you are totally right they act from their copingmechanism, and by sad I mean I wish they would have become as they could have become if their caregivers gave them the love and safety every child needs. Because this has so many effects on all their relationships and not only the romantic ones. I didn’t mean it the way I wrote it, so I will delete my comment
Thank you for pointing out that to me.
@@piano99violin yeah, well, as a strong FA I can also "wish I had become as I could have been" instead of leaving a trail of broken relationships in my wake before realising I need to work on myself...
What if your divorced can its happen also
Thanks for sharing
You’re welcome!
okay im over my ex..... you're cute wow you are good at your job
Met my ex at work. I have been in no contact for about 18 months . She unblocked me on IG , but she still hasnt reached out. Does this mean anything ? Im still in no contact.
Hmm not sure. People’s social media behavior is not my specialty. But I’d say if enough time goes by blocking someone may become pointless. Or if blocking was a way of distancing maybe they no longer need to create that additional layer of distance or separation.
@KatyaMorozova Thank you for being honest and thanks for replying. I will stay in no contact until she reaches out. She was a good women and I would love to try again with her 🙏
Your videos help me so much 🙏
@@KatyaMorozovanope means zero
Met DA at church last fall. She broke it off in January. I blocked her on FB in July. Occasionally will see at church. Where we sometimes perform music together. I’ve also been in no contact for a couple months when I had to let her know I wasn’t comfortable with “just friends”.
All to say, I’m hoping to have another conversation in coming weeks after church, it’s a safe place and might break the iceberg.
Here’s hoping!
can I ask if being a coworker contributed to your breakup?
i’m seeing this from a different perspective, my DA left me and moved on really fast with a coworker at work, I feel immense guilt and loss over losing this person who was my best friend and partner over the past 5 years, and I feel like she will never feel any loss moving on this fast and I have limited hope. the separation anxiety is so strong months later, I can only hope being a coworker has its flaws also?