The effect of no contact on a dismissive avoidant
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 31 ต.ค. 2022
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#getyourexback #nocontactrule #dismissiveavoidant - บันเทิง
When you get with someone new who treats you like a king..you will be wondering why you Wasted so much time energy and emotion on a DA..
If you stay around in a relationship with DA..you will forget what it was like to have consistency in everything.
Communication affection..reciprocal everything..until you walk away you will never know about the great person out there waiting to meet you half way with everything..your anxiousness washes away with the right one..
I love this It’s what my mom said to me and I know she’s right 😇
So true! It sucks to chase it makes you feel bad about yourself
Truth is, one really needs to think of this is really worth their time. It’s like choosing someone else’s feelings over yours… How do you get back after a break up and you can’t talk when talking is simply communication! That’s crazy.
I decided to let my DA go and I’m going no contact because I need to for my mental health and not to punish him. I really do with him the best.
These people has a very tragic way to escape their fears rather than work on them.
They can't handle working through issues because its overwhelming for them, because of earlier trauma in their life.
Therefore they're also afraid telling you the truth. Because they where taught Since childhood to not communicate when they dont feel okay, they need to be independent and work their problems out themselves.
I would never in a million years date this kind of person again. DA’s are the worst kind of partner and should never date unless they have had long term therapy.
I always break up with my DA and I am always triggered by his lack of communication and understanding my needs. I overreact and feel regret. He’s icing me out and won’t return any of my calls. I’m anxious and been chasing him. I feel like the man in the relationship. So over these delicate immature men!
After reading back over my notes in my phone I recommend you journal with dates to see patterns. Yes he came back but it took time and me moving on without moving on because as women once we move on completely and detach we are done!
I have to admit. I’ve been calling and texting my ex since the initial relief stage now in the remorse stage. What could I have done to make things differently? It’s been about 40 days of no contact. I say try and reach out and see how he responds. If you ended the relationship all you can do is try and then move on if he doesn’t give you any closure.
Why would you even want him back ? Especially when you were unfulfilled by unavailability
It's not just men. This happened to me with a female DA.
so he's DA, and you're Anxious avoidant..
but he's immature, and you're not?
What a great video. I have been working on myself. I got back into my music. Spending time w family and friends. Over 30 days of no contact. I feel more empowered.
Wow, thank you! This is very good advice. Take a step back in order to move forward.
Thank you Alexis for the information!! 😊
The last slide was what I was looking for!! Thanks Thanks Alexis!!
You're welcome.
Really great information! I’m at the end of a third week of no contact ( almost) after my person just disappeared. No explanation. Your explanations make a lot of sense to me for him. I get it. You have helped make me feel more secure about it.
The effects? Comfort, elation, joie de vivre, burrowing deeper into the hermit's mountain and carving out more chambers for his videogames! 😂
I don't get why we need strategies to get an avoidant back in our life. It would be more useful to make videos for avoidants to heal their attachment style and teach tnem how to avoid ruin other people's lives. I did my inner work and I think everybody needs to. No training for saving others who are not willing to work on themselves, they will start doing the work when they will be left alone and they will realize how assholes they have been their entire life. Once they touch the bottom then they will start to work on themselves, no need to make them life easier because it will prevent them from actually doing the inner work and heal and be better people
@AlexisFriedlander do you have content relating to FA/DA relationships &/or breakups? There’s so much about AP/DA dynamics I think because it’s more common. FA/DAs need you too! ❤
Thank you!!
It's called being messed up, because they get obsessed with the hottest chick, that doesn't love them, so what they do to others gets done back to them. It's called fear of intimacy, so it's easy for them to get with someone with a better than attitude, then they are yearning for the love. I know because I was that way once. I would now have the warm fuzzies with someone then feel hot lust, you just feel slimed afterwards
At the 3 year mark, he pushed me away, said he didn't care about me anymore then blocked me. In a nutshell I was devastated and heartbroken. It's been 8 months no contact 💔 I didn't know about attachment styles until 2 years after. I'm anxious and didn't know how to deal with my DA. He told me he doesn't reach out to anyone and he doesn't go backwards 😢
Idk why ppl feel like they’re going backwards by being with a person
As a dismissive avoidant I come back from blocking but only after a very long time.
🤍
@@duckyh9712 thank you for responding. I pray he does. I really love and miss him.
@@duckyh9712 how long is long? Mine has me blocked almost 5 months while he is with his rebound. The rebound started 6 weeks after break up. He didnt dump me, it was mutual because he wasn't sure about kids. But we were very in love, he always said i was his forever person and we were both shocked and devastated to break up
I had to call a psychologist cuz of her and he basically told me run!! Smh this is messed up. I felt such a strong bond meanwhile shes jusy detached thats honestly amazing and sad.
I use to be avoidant and I have remorse for those I hurt others because of how I treated them. Now I am anxious attachment and working to get secure.
I don’t understand how DAs can even be in relationships since they shut down and become cold. Who puts up with that?
pls do a video on them pulling away or if we pull away in dating phase what happens
It would be great to know a bit how to deal with social media with a dismissive avoidant while doing no contact. If they still follow you, should you keep them from seeing your stories to actually make them even more curious what you‘re up to and miss you even more or will them seeing what you‘re up to actually make them miss you more because they might see what they‘re missing out on and that you‘re doing fine without them.
WRONG attempt. No contact is NOT about making the other person more interested in you or try to manipulate them. It is about becoming calm again, have control over your emotions, accept, let go and if needed, to move on. When your well being depends on another person accepting you, you will never find peace in a relationship and ESPECIALLY not with an avoidant. Your main goal should be to focus on yourself and become yourself again, not needing the avoidant. And when you are calm, you can make a rational decision and can see if this is actually a person you want in your life. It is your decision if you want to keep them on social media. Does it give you peace? Can you live peacefully even when you see what they are doing, can it even help you to maintain calmness when you see what they are up to or do you need to remove yourself from their socials for a while to focus on yourself? Not wanting something out of someone is the ultimate way to find peace in relationships. Dont do it to get something out of them, it will not last this way.
A DA isn't paying attention to your stories - (unless they are?) I wouldn't be - I don't follow my ex and I am not interested - a DA will be too hurt to be paying attention to you, plus they are likely not interested. They might not even miss you 🤷 If they are watching your stories they might just be curious - I doubt you could make me miss you - I'd have to know my feelings more, but I don't pay any attention to my exes 🤷♂I don't stalk any of their social media- usually it hurts too much. It wouldn't be missing him that brought me back though - I'd come back if the relationship was great and there were shared values and I couldn't find that elsewhere - I wouldn't worry about the feelings that much - it would be a logical choice for me.
Dismissive avoidants don't deserve loving relationships at the end of the day because they will only hurt everyone else
Oh stop it. Everyone deserves love. Chill out
@@EnglishWinterRunne Avoidants don't. Go give your "love" to a narcissist, you'll get more back, more care and attention and treated better
@@HarryJamesBooks Oh dude, who broke you?
@@EnglishWinterRunne Nobody. I speak from experience
Just because this is your experience doesn’t make it true for everyone. I am an avoidant, my husband is an avoidant. We’ve been together & 99% conflict free for over a decade because we understand each other’s needs. AP/DA, FA/DA, S/DA, S/FA, etc all have the potential to work when both parties are open to understanding themselves & each other. Everyone deserves & desires love.
5 month into no contact, no message/call from him. He showed a few signs in his online behaviour, blocking me out of jealousy, stalking my whatsapp status, still have my number saved and my presents in his flat. But thats it.
Feels like it's time to let go of your hopes around him... I know it's painful, but without alternative.
A couple of weeks turned into 9/10 months. Lol. He’s still around and still in contact. He’s helped me with some car troubles and has taken my daughter out here and there. Gone on a few outings with us. But he doesn’t really seem to be coming around. He’s been really rude and mean. Not abusive just negative.
Dismissive avoidant, testing you. Then just set boundaries to show that you won't put up with it. Walk away when he's useless, and be open when he's receptive and kind.
Mine told me last night that he will only respond to me regarding task oriented projects that I need his help with. But other than that, he will not be emotional at all. So I said ok thanks let me think about this and I’ll get back to you. And he said “holy smoke.” I’m going to reach out next week and ask him to help me with a table. He needs time. Lol
@@mirapilates DA + SM = run away
@@HarryJamesBooks the more distance I get, I realize I dodged a bullet. She worked out her abandonment issues by being super overprotective of kids allowing her to keep relationships at an arms distance. The mixed signals were almost cruel. I've realized avoidants send mixed signals as they crave intimacy, but won't admit it and retreat.
Alexis, I actually suggested to my DA after he didn’t reply to my texts for a week (we are long distance) to take a few months to deal with whatever he may be dealing with that makes him not reply back after telling me he loved me just a week before and then see how we still feel about one another.
Did I scare him or did he feel I was showing him respect giving him space without him asking for it?
I am prepared to go No Contact now, but this time I won’t block him for four months like I did last year 😂
This time I am leaving the door open, but not reaching out at all anymore first.
If he's a DA, I don't think you scare him.
@@AlexisFriedlander good to know this, thank you 😊
Hey Alexis, thanks for the info! Quick question though, I've been watching a lot of your videos lately having going through a very unexpected, very sudden 'break up' at the moment. One night the 'connection' as he (the avoidant) put it was there, the next day it wasn't and I was being proposed to stay friends nevertheless. My question to you is, are all of these true even if you hadn't defined the relationship? Do these apply to situationships, having seen each other roughly half a year or so?
do you have an instagram where i can message you on this matter ? ned some advice :)
After a few months of honeymoon the DA I was dating got cold and distant, without any trigger from me really, since I'm secure and even a bit avoidant on my own. He also didn't respect the boundaries we agreed on, so we went from dating to friendship.
But his total lack of interest for me, what I do, the "only texting" mainly and the scapegoating each time a little something happened, made me "take a break for a while" (I just informed him without explaining why). Now I'm in no contact just because I don't feel like going on with his behaviours.
And... now he seems pissed at me. Even though he gets alone time, which a DA enjoys most, right? Maybe he thought I was kind of "the ex he keeps on the back burner" and is disappointed because I don't play his game? What do you think of his reaction?
Childish and manipulative
F*** him. My DA ex wasted alot of my time she just walks out of my life like i didnt matter, not one word for closure. Im not open for friends or anything with these abhorrent people. I think that just enables them
Mine was the same. He became distant slowly after we start speaking boundaries and needs in relationship. Even when we asked them to talk like an adult they choose to leave instead of working on it as a team. My ex said they wanted to remain friends even begging me for it but i didn't accept the offer bcz it's gonna hurt me in the long run. I chose to go no contact from that moment.
His behaviour is dismissive, testing you. He's still pissed tho because he still wanted you to be there.... all the same...
update?
LOA or manifestation coaches say circumstances don’t matter but circumstances do matter when you are dealing with an attachment style. I took a test to see what attachment style I was and I took a few just to make sure and different tests over a few weeks all came back with secure. I have just come across attachment styles and I feel my SP is a DA. In the last 2 weeks I’ve heard from my SP and both times she’s told me she loves me and this is because I don’t bombard her with communication I reply or make contact and I will leave it at that until I hear from her where as she will keep going until I reply
Enjoy your non-relationship
Could their fear of commitment manifest as creating stories that feed their fear, my story is I was accused of cheating without any evidence, just wondering what could have triggered this. Presently in NC.
He doesn't care
Why DA move quickly to monkey branch their partner without addressing the problem?
Exactly! I am sure my DA ex monkey branched with a new guy just before she blind sided dumped me (2 weeks earlier she asked me to move in with her and said she wanted to meet my parents!).
They can’t handle conflict
How long should be a real no contact ? If he comes back after only 1-2 weeks , what do you think would be the best ? Anwsering in a cold way ( not as bubbly as i was ) or telling him we should take more time off ( will it makes him to move on cause of rejection ) or just act as bubbly as i am normally to remind him what he lost ?
I personally would say: express and do what feels genuinely authentic to you, what is in alignment with your truth. What's the point of manipulating him by faking a certain behaviour? What's the point of a relationship that is based on manipulation? I know it's tempting from my own experience. But in the long run: for a stable and satisfying long term relationship you need a partner who is willing and able to work their way through conflicts and challenges and who stays BECAUSE of who you truly are and not DESPITE. (Which doesn't mean that we should stop working on our growth of course, and on becoming the most mature partner we can be.)
In other words: if somebody is only with you because you manipulate your feelings, needs and behaviour in order to adapt to them and enable them to be with you - that's not a stable foundation for a sustainable relationship. I hope that helps.
@@timm.8729 more than you think ❤️ that was always what i was gonna do because im not really able to do otherwise and i agree 17383930 % with everything you just said , it touched my heart reading that i felt almost a tear ! Watching too much of those videos were starting to mess with my mind . I prefer to stay true to me and i definitely dont want nobody who wont accept me as i am ❤️ thanks a lot for that anwser, its because of that kind of anwser that i never loose faith that genuine people do exist and that theirs hope ill find one ahah .
The effects? Comfort, elation, joie de vivre, burrowing deeper into the hermit's mountain and carving out more chambers for his videogames! 😂
😂😂😂😂