Relationships Are Hard, But Why? | Stan Tatkin | TEDxKC
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 26 ก.ย. 2024
- Relationships are hard. But what if it's not you or them or sex, money or even who picks up the socks. What if there is a far more primitive reason?
In this talk, relationship expert Stan Tatkin explores why we fight from the perspective of neuroscience - and how to give your relationship a fighting chance.
Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, where he has specialized for the last 15 years in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. He and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx
"Human relationships can survive fights. Human relationships cannot survive the loss of safety and security."
runninginsept thank you for quoting
absolutely right we can not survive
we supposed to be back of our pattner
that struck a nerve
that is is his perspective not fact
runninginsept I’m just going to say abusive relationships
"Our major job is to protect each other and make each other feel safe & secure" so simple yet.....
"It is not me against you, it is us against the problem. You and me, even against the rest of the world." something i would use in wedding vows. :/
I so agree! Its almost like its what each other can get out of the relationship for themselves and who gives a damn about the other if they do or don't...fend for yourself mentality...turn off!
I've never looked to a woman for protection, safety, and security. How could she possibly provide these things? As a man it is up to me to provide those things for myself.
@@treacherousjslither6920 maybe not physically but emotionally
@@muninchip Nope. I don't look to a woman for anything other than companionship and physical intimacy.
"You think you know each other so you stop paying attention."
Askformoreinfo whichyouwontget That hit me hard.
@@kazachskijmolodiec I hope you overcome that awful feelingbof unrepairable loss quickly...
Good one!
Or they never paid attention in the first place.
@@kazachskijmolodiec p
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After 5 years of marriage and not a single night apart and not a single argument I can say that a huge tip is to read up on oxytocin that is released through touch and make an effort to give a long hug every day. Yes it is normal to have fights but those like me who don't won't be at his office for counselling so of course he has no data on those relationships that do run well. Be each others best friend, hang out like best friends do, and work out your own insecurities because insecurities are a huge fight trigger. You go on defense even before you open your mouth in conflict and when both are defending themselves you don't get anywhere. Solving conflict with conflict and self defense will never give results. Have a talk early how you wish to be treated when you are upset. Do you want to be left alone or be held? Do you want to talk about it or sit quiet? And if an argument occurs and you feel that emotion start to boil in your chest, take a deep breath, agree to cool off separately, then agree to disagree and hug it out. Only use words to each other as you would say in front of your grandmother. If you wish to hurt the person by name calling because you are hurting then you need to seek counselling yourself to mend what old pain gets triggered in you. Lastly, if your partner looks stressed, asking "what can I do to help?" and do things as a team will get you very far. A relationship is like carrying a table. If you don't have teamwork it won't work smoothly.
That does not sound like a honest and healthy relationship...you never had one single argument? Even he said that is not healthy.
@@nicciGT A healthy relationship rarely has fights. There are disagreements but full on fights isn't healthy in my opinion
Fighting is needed in a healthy relationship
Well said and splendid advice
Love your table analogy!!
The relationships we have ultimately determine not only how we see ourselves but also how we see the world.
I can show you the world, Shining, shimmering splendid 😁✌🏻
Lone and desolate place.
I was dumped, from what I can see as a very healthy, growing, and functioning relationships despite sometimes there are fights. One of the reasons she said is that because "relationships should be easy. why is ours hard? why do we need to work it out?"
It's what romanticism has told us, that the "right" person will always have things really easy. But it isnt. Because all of us are flawed and imperfect.
Living with another human being is always gonna be hard.
I got let go for the same reason. They want it to be so easy... I don't think I believe in that.
Always ganna be hard? Not sure that’s what anyone wants. Occasionally or ideally sometimes hard is more acceptable. Should be closer to 80/20, content vs conflict. Far from “always”
I was in a toxic relationship for a year and a half where my partner threatened to leave me many times.
"If you get too close to the edge of the cliff we're done"
"If you don't get out of the ocean we're done"
"I'm gonna break up with you if you drink with your best friend when I'm not there"
It was draining and awful. I didn't feel confident in our relationship and I always felt like I couldn't be my adventurous self. I'm glad I finally ended it. I only felt sad for a little bit, then I went to the beach and felt FREE.
I'm struggling with this heavy right now. All I want is to have her back but there was so much fear the whole time that I lost myself trying to cater to her depression, to her anxiety, to the made up stories she believed. It was so hard..I love her so much but it was pure suffering
@@andrewjackson9948 I'm sorry you have to go through that. It's not easy being in a toxic relationship. Once you safely remove yourself you will feel relieved. And when it comes to future relationships remember to listen to your gut.
Being single is better than being in a bad relationship.
I have watched this 4 times today. It’s strange how this video brings me a sense of peace, awareness, and helps me understand my current relationship and how I behave in it. I’m going through a bad period in mine and I feel like I was meant to come across this
I had the same experience.
Me too!
How are things going now?
Me too😢
So very true… I’m experiencing this at this very moment!!!
"The real problem is not when you fight, is when one of you threatens to leave the relationship ".
So true indeed!
So true, indeed!
This is my current situation. I've lost the emotional connection to my woman and have no drive to fight for this relationship.
@@afrodude4782 it's over when you feel that way. Be honest w the person and true to yourself.
Andrew Spencer I’m in this situation 😞😞😞
"Issues grow, when you stop learning about each other".
I am not good at keeping conversations exciting. To understand my partner more, i play couple questions game like "Lovify". In this game you have to guess what your partner expects or likes. My girlfriend loves it ❤
Thanks for sharing about "lovify". I also tried it with my girlfriend. And it was really fun :)
My, my! What a fabulous talk! My wife (of 28 years) and I have put it on our weekly calendar. Our goal is to listen to it once a week. Stan Tatkin a) knows what he is talking about and b) is a great communicator.
wow this is not a bad idea
pff Shut up
That's awesome, my fiancé and I also meet weekly to discuss our lives, what we can do to help each other and we discuss our insecurities. We learned about it from the Five Love Languages, but we learned how to do it correctly by Stan and countless other psychologists.
I wish everybody understood that 0% of relationships are sunshine and daisies all the time
"The next time a relationship moment turns tense, change your position, go eye-to-eye, face-to-face. If you tend to fight a lot when driving in a car, it’s because you’re side-to-side and glance; a glance is a threat trigger. "
A relationship can survive a fight but it can’t survive loss of security or safety ‼️
I am a couples therapist, and I think Stan Tatkin is excellent. And, he spoke in my home town!
What Tatkin is discussion in terms of the brain is described in detail in the book Thinking: Fast & Slow, by Daniel Kahneman.
Nan still there?
It is, there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship but if you to work things out you can have a happy relationship. The most powerful thing you can do to keep your relationship strong is to form a partnership, a team, based on mutual respect, caring and helpfulness.
“The decision to be in a committed relationship -- loving, secure, functioning - means being in the foxhole together and protecting each other from the dangers out there. It’s about having each other’s backs.”
"there is nothing more difficult on this planet than another person"
“Our major job is to make each other feel safe and secure.”
“The decision to be in a committed relationship (loving, secure functioning), means being in the foxhole together, and protecting each other from the dangers out there.
It’s not just about getting our own way, we’re suppose to have each other’s back.”
This just explained my last 48 hours of my now ended relationship and I just wish my partner understand this
Hi Jen, did you ever show them this video?, did you guys make up..
Sorry to hear that. The worst part is that sometimes when you are trying to work something out and in an effort to send them something like this they will be EXTREMELY adamant to watch it or take it in .
It's soo heartbreaking to know that many people can relate to abandonment and be the pleaser.
I hope you get better and may live a long happy life with the people you deserve 😊.
Peace 🕊️
The compassion this man shows and the love given through every word are truly amazing. I cannot thank enough for all these free speeches that hold treasures of wisdom in every sentence.
One of the best Ted Talks I've seen. Very insightful and heartfelt.
His book "Wired for Love" has done wonders for us! Every couple should be aware of it.
My wife and I have really gotten a lot out of Wired For Love as well.
Thanks for the recommendation. Did you also read The 5 languages of love? If so, what did you think of it? What's the difference between the books?
always hard, everything, but nothing is impossible actually, am 15 years with my man . actually we have a crisis about having a baby . after week and week i'm not still pregnant . but my best friend eve has just told me something about natural drops so I'm really cosidering buying it bc we do really want to have a child or twins 🙂
I just took a workshop with him and he was fantastic. Lots of logical information about how to manage relationships. Highly recommend his books.
"Our major job is to protect each other and make each other feel safe & secure" Amen for Basic Goodness
So beautifully soft spoken
I really, really needed this; not just for the understanding that I am not alone in realizing how difficult relationships are, but also because I need to take ownership for my part. If I had realized how hard marriage really is then I can firmly say I wouldn't have done it. However, I did and now I have to learn what I need to do to help make it a solid, healthy marriage. It just doesn't fall in your lap that way as so many people, myself included, were led into believing.
Thank you for posting -
Brittany Thurlo, I agree with everything you said except for I don’t regret my marriage and would do it again. I just wish I was better educated in relationships from the beginning.
Why could I not have seen this before I ruined my life....
Willa Herrera hope things are going better for you
Because there was probably a good lesson to be learned, if you were able and willing to learn.
Well... Never is later...
What do you mean? Did your relationship end or something?
What happened, if you don't mind me asking? Spill the tea, my guy!
"if we don't have each others back, who will?" 😌
That emoji doesn’t match the quote
Yourself-
"We're all capable of becoming threatening, even to those we love."
I can't tell you how much this has helped my relationship with my partner. Thank you so much.
I love the entire speech, especially the part about us being " visual animals'.
"Our major job, is to protect each other and make each other feel safe and secure. The world is a dangerous place, it's always been so; and right now, it feels a little scary. If we don't have each other's backs, who will?"
I liked very much. I always think that relationship must lift us up to better level (safe place, loved atmosphere, physical and mental ecstasy, companionship, friendship and so on )than we are right now if not better to be alone.
Natavan Quliyeva hello!!
10 minutes, I felt it like 10 seconds
This man is brilliant. Love his work
This is why I live alone. For my own sanity.
Lol.. why you are watching this? ☺
I've been in plenty of relationships, currently in one, but I do enjoy solitude and quietness at times. However, it's always perceived as a negative, taken as me being mad or sad; But this actually happens when I feel blissful.
A lot of guys are saying that because it's true
AtomX II for laughs
Same here - people are not with it - solo is the answer
It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriage. Friedrich Nietzsche
"We come to relationships wanting things to be easy.* "Our brains are very good at making s*t up." "When stress goes up, communication goes down." "Our memories can be unreliable." "We're mostly misunderstanding each other much of the time." All are good statements. It's even worse when regular communication doesn't exist. So many things can be misunderstood or deemed threatening when one tries to protect or be there for the other person despite what others think. So many false assumptions that ruin relationships before they even get started. There were truths in this short talk. Thanks for these important reminders! They were appreciated. 👍
I ended up crying after listening to his talk, it relates so much to my story. He always threatens to leave and end the relationship, he always asks me to admit that it is my fault everytime we argue. I tried everything, I tried telling him how I feel, what I want and asks the same about his feelings, what does he think about this and that? But all he does...threatens to leave and end the relationship. I know that I should end the relationship but I love him too much, so I end up saying sorry every single time and admit that it’s all my faults and stay with him.
That's gaslighting. Get help. Fast. Soon. Quickly. That is abuse.
such an amazing speech - this needs way more views!!
I mean, this is literaly what is wrong with the world.
Agreed.
Excellent presentation... he had the entire audience engaged. He has written a couple of fantastic books too.
Yes you are absolutely right
The moment I see her, I feel like flying in the sky with beautiful wings.
I love seeing her, I love talking with her, we spend so much time together, then her boyfriend comes and I go to the bar.
He always doubts on her and I always try to make her laugh but she still loves him and I go to the bar again...
Wesley Chapman Thank you sir ! I will keep that in mind. 😃
Wesley Chapman please clarify why is the dad test is significant?
suparsteve123 women's relationships to men are reflected in their relationships to their dads and men's relationships to women are reflected in their relationships to their mother. Meaning if she has a healthy relationship with her father chances are high you as a man can have a good relationship with her because she doesn't carry that much baggage around.
But it shouldn't be the only indicator.
You have to have someone who truly meets YOUR needs, YOUR emotional demands. Like he said you.think you know someone so you stop paying attention. So often we are told we're selfish for leaving or not being satisfied BC we don't have what we need emotionally
What u just wrote is a recipe for disaster. Only toddlers expect ALL their emotional needs met
@@maya9685 very true. If you expect someone to meet all of your emotional needs you will not have a lasting relationship. Yet todays society projects this idealization and the fact that so many people upvoted that comment proves that
@@kaylasheppard7746 agree. Society promotes that as some ideal to strive for ...it only sets up people for a quest that will never be fulfilled for disappointment and for disillusionment.
you guys don't understand the comment? he said *meets", not "fullfill all" demands.
@@phamhong7154 well i understand perfectly well you just craftily substuting meet for fulfill. There 2 words here meet and needs .
Needs - what are your needs ? Babies also have needs and much of them.
''the world is a dangerous place especially now'' watching this in 2020.
This Stan Tantkin lecture is a good way to reap the benefits from a relationship session when you feel like skipping a traditional one! He is absolutely right!
THAT KISS AT THE END! My heart!!!!!!
Everybody needs love, good communication, passion, understanding... ❤
I needed that much love.
Beautifully said. What a fantastic presenter and person he is!! Thank you Stan Tatkin :) you just changed everything and I've been studying relationship psychology for decades!!
Looking forward to interviewing Stan again on Wednesday! I've learned so much from him, he's changed my life!
What a wonderful and insightful speech. Every person and every couple ought to see this, and if we could add it to school curricula of helping youngsters grow up with this understanding, wouldn't that be amazing! Thank you so so much for sharing this
His work is relationship changing. Take it from a man who have been through the “process” with a fantastic patient woman
Very good ted talk here, he's right, we are all very difficult beings
Very good lecture. I will have to remember to not fight or argue anymore without seeing the person face to face. Its so easy to argue over text these days because its always misinterpreted being read.
Wow, what a level-headed person, very comfortable to listen to him
Amazing!!! Well Put. "We're supposed to have each other's backs"
Explains why most of my arguments have been over texting
This is an excellent TED talk about relationships, how and why we manage them erroneously and how we can improve on that. I feel this could also extend to relationships with family members and even friends, and if someone has a very big heart, to all those she or he meets. Well worth watching!
This changed my life. Thank you.
I'm crying while watching this, I wish I knew all these 3 months ago.
I have always wanted to how to make the family happy and strong because my family was not settled not until I met with Dr Wilson he gave me the greatest counseling experience of my life till today me and my family are very happy and the bond we have can never be broken big thanks to him
You can contact him on WhatsApp if you need his help +2348143593494
Wish my husband saw this but sadly its too late, he's already made me feel the most unloved, unwanted, unsafe and abandoned.
hello can i ask you for something please
@@shurouqdweikat8818 how can I help?
I have always wanted to how to make the family happy and strong because my family was not settled not until I met with Dr Wilson he gave me the greatest counseling experience of my life till today me and my family are very happy and the bond we have can never be broken big thanks to him
You can contact him on WhatsApp if you need his help +2348143593494
Very eye opening
I never been so emotionally stable and balance not being in a relationship, yet I feel like I have no soul
are you an aquarius?
I come back to this video every now and then. For me it really helps and it is kind of eye openning.
Stan touches on so many great points, his talk is packed with good info.
I’m so glad that I found this video in time 😞
This man speaks the truth because my partner and I have just had a fight and this describes in explicit detail of what went on during our animosity and the progression. Although talking face to face is the solution as described here, unfortunately it has past that stage for me and I have broken up with her.
Very insightful and heartfelt
Great talk Dr. Tatkin. I will be using this as a teaching tool, absolutely. Such important information and the world would be such an easier place if it became common knowledge.
I really love this guy!
He is brilliant in an emotional understanding way. And he got the point, what I always told to my past relationships who didnt get it. I need safety and security to feel free and be the best version of myself.
....so they all only know my worst side... but their fault. I told them so :D
Thanks, I just needed this so badly. The only person close to me broke my heart. I miss him though.
He has a great mind and I just want to thank you for sharing your great ideas for us. I absolutely enjoyed this video.
probably one of the best speeches out there about human relationship
that really happened in our relationship. I love her so much I came to the point I felt like she was cold so I told her she didn't pay and she came to the point where she gave up on me..in my part I didn't accept that it was so easy for her to let go of our relationship and to say that she didn't just love me..it was the most painful thing I've ever heard.
Semua hubungan cinta itu sulit. Bukan karena harus banting tulang cari uang, bukan karena pekerjaan, bukan karena anak-anak yang bikin kepala puyeng. Alasannya sangat sederhana: tidak ada satupun yang lebih rumit di planet ini selain semua orang.
Kau dan siapapun yang menjalin hubungan denganmu, adalah makhluk yang maharumit. Dan semua orang ingin hubungan yang baik-baik saja. Sayang sekali kita selalu memikirkan hal kedua tapi abai pada fakta yang pertama.
99 persen kehidupan kita dikendalikan otak primitif, otak emosional kita. Sisanya adalah otak rasional, atau prefontal cortex.
Jatuh cinta membuat seseorang menjadi obsesif, setiap hari kau ingin menggenggam tangannya, mendengar suaranya, mencium aroma tubuhnya, melihat wajahnya yang melihat wajahmu. Secara biokimiawi, jatuh cinta sama sekali sama dengan mabuk.
Ketika jatuh hati dopamine menuntut lebih banyak darimu, adrenalin mencari perhatian, dan testeoteron atau estrogen menuntut keinginannya dipenuhi terus-menerus. Secara neurokimiawi, kau sedang kecanduan sebagaimana pecandu sakau pada narkoba. Dalam jatuh cinta, ini adalah narkoba alamiah.
Setiap awal hubungan seperti bulan madu. Semua berjalan baik-baik saja di awal segala hal. Namun ketika hubunganmu makin serius, maka kesenangan mulai. Akan akan membuat pasanganmu memiliki kebiasaan baru, dan vice versa.
Kemudian muncul masalah-masalah besar. Kau tak lagi memberi perhatian dan tak lagi menyediakan kehadiran secara penuh di depannya. Kau mulai berantem untuk hal-hal sepele, intonasimu semakin tinggi, dan ini terjadi karena nervous system atau sistem saraf kau bekerja. Kabar baiknya ini sangatlah natural.
Sangat penting memahami bagaimana otak primitif kita bekerja.
Konflik dalam suatu hubungan adalah hal yang sangat lazim. Hubungan kau akan tetap bertahan kendati masih sering terjadi pertengkaran, tapi yang tidak bisa hubunganmu pertahankan adalah kehilangan rasa aman dan kenyamanan.
Masalah kita semua adalah sangat payah dalam komunikasi. Sebagian besar hidup yang kita jalani, adalah rentetan panjang kesalahpahaman, sebagian besar soal miskomunikasi. Ketika suasana hati sedang baik, kita akan mengabaikan mispersepsi dari komunikasi yang buruk. Sayangnya, ketika suasana hati sedang tidak baik, kita akan mempermasalahkan segala hal yang bahkan tidak pernah terjadi atau sudah lama kejadian.
Tatkala sedang dalam konflik, usahakan untuk selalu berhadapan wajah ke wajah. Karena kita makhluk visual, yang mampu meregulasi nervous system pasangan ketika saling berhadapan secara tatap muka. Hindari pertengkaran di mobil karena tidak bisa tatap muka secara utuh, dan hindari pertengkaran via teks ataupun telepon.
Kita mesti menjalin komitmen untuk selalu memberi cinta, menciptakan rasa aman, yang artinya menciptakan tempat perlindungan bersama. Tugas besar kita ialah melindungi satu sama lain dan memeberi rasa aman terhadap satu sama lain.
Dunia adalah tempat yang tengik dan buruk. Kalau kita tidak punya satu sama lain, apa artinya?
I Love this talk i can totally relate, its like he's exposing facts i hadnt figured out yet
This has to be one of the greatest videos on relationship maturity i have ever seen 👍👍
best advice from someone in the know. Never date someone who is joined at the hip to their ex, on the phone to them lots each day, and spends Xmas with them every year. They will always put them before you. Rise above it and look to the future.
This really deserves way more views
I think he's a Genius!! This info totally resonates as Truth with me! Thank U for sharing!!! 👍👏👌💗
Fabulous talk. Words to live by.
Protect each others backs. And, I can add, each others hearts.
Great talk that speaks to the animal behavior classes I took in college. Why does a "conflict avoider" appear threatening to their partner?
Copaxa Because he closes like a clam aka has secrets aka is an unknown factor aka unpredictable results aka threatening your security
Avoidant behavior triggers the threat of abandonment. Abandonment, for an infant, can lead to death, so it is a core limbic survival trigger within all humans. If avoidant behaviour chronically frustrates and blocks one's capacity to get core needs met and remains unresolved, it can lead to chronic anxiety, depression and other dysregulated mood-states that are manifestations of chronic fear, hopelessness, powerlessness, repressed or explosive anger/rage or even suicidal ideation. The ability to meet core needs is crucial to physical and mental health.
- MARGARITA - thanks for this reply. Helps me alot and gives me a direction
Agree
@@-margarita-6157 mmm I can relate to this. My past and only relationship was so bad that whether it was his "fault" or not it did lead Me to start drinking to cope, contemplate cheating , having bad panic attacks and more frequent crying spells. He either didn't know how or didn't care to deal with the stress he was causing me and wouldn't talk about it without placing blame or shouting yet didn't want to let me go if I tried to leave. It lead to me feeling trapped and it's the worst feeling in the world and for those who are I'm abusive relationships it's not that far from dancing around deaths door. You feel trapped you have no escape the only option is drastic measures it's a dangerous place to be in . I must never forget how he could make me feel and how much he could confuse and stress me out so I don't end up there again. You're right it really is a literal survival threat. That's scary
I found myself nodding for the second half of this film, he is so right. Truly amazing.
It's a dangerous world out there. You need to have each other's back.
A relationship can survive quarrel but cannot survive threats and insecurity.
„Human communication, even on a good day, is terrible. We mostly misunderstanding each other most of the time. When we feel good, we don’t care that much, but when we don’t feel good, we care a whole lot. And when stress get up, human communication gets a whole lot worse. Memory is unreliable. Memory is faulty, folks. In a fight for who’s memory is right, you are probably both wrong.“
I've honestly been learning so much about relationship building (not romantic, but social relationships) in the last couple of months and it's crazy how our cognitive mind controls most of what we think! If we don't think about what we are thinking, it can lead us to trouble. I still don't understand how our own minds can play tricks on us. We have to be vigilant even of our own selves. This is crazy. Am I the only one out there that realizes this? Or Am I wrong?
Shared it on my fbook. so friggin good!!!!
Jennifer Lynn Gibbs how
This was great.. so much wisdom! God bless that man & he’s so funny
Wow. wish I'd seen this 25 years ago!
Still watching this video , yet this is such a good video , that i have to save and re listen , to fully better understand. that alot of my issues is in the brain. Makes sense, thanks so much for sharing this relationship , brain , and the power of chemicals bouncing . And what is natural thing we call life.
i've never heard someone explain the brain so well. i Thank You!
First of all with my experiences. Try to keep your cool and any relationship. Always try to understand the other person's point of view
"We need our eyes". This is something so powerful and so commonly forgotten now.
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I really love this man. He nailed everything! 👊
THAT WAS GREAT👍👍👍👌👌👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
Very well put...makes a lot of sense to me
Absolutely superb. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Wish I watched this sooner