Dismissive Avoidants & The 'Intimacy Slowdown' (No Sex!) | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment
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In this video I talk about the Dismissive Avoidant and the intimacy slowdown, this is a very common thing to happen, and it’s hard not to personalize the situation from their partner’s perspective, but this video will hopefully shed some light on why this happens, and how to deal with a Dismissive Avoidant that is less interested in sex, and intimacy as the relationship progresses.
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel and thank you for stopping by!
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Since getting my heart curb-stomped by a DA a few months ago, I've been binge watching these attachment videos. This one gets right to the heart of what I perceive must have happened. Such a horrible thing to go through. Made me question everything about myself. I'm thankful for these videos, as they allow me to maintain my compassion and love for my ex, while enabling me to realize that there is nothing wrong with me.
Yeah I’m not sure people fully grasp what it’s like to go through.. the whole relationship. Like I mean to the point of ptsd, and not to not be empathetic to all attachment types but without help or awareness on both parties end (I was unaware) .. this can lead to actually dangerous mental health reprecussions. A simple like even if I haven’t done the work, here’s the name of what I deal with Google it.. even that could save lives. Not sure if this makes sense or if you know what I mean.
And yes totally have compassion and love for them, i was constantly aiming for that understanding or honest communication but nothing seemed to work and it always came back to that something was wrong with me or that everything was my ‘fault’. This would have helped a long time ago, even if it was to end things or understand rather than to keep going in circles. Still working on picking up the pieces of myself however, which sadly has felt harder than having compassion for the other person (as it’s a disorder of sorts when not worked on or at its worst and at least I had something to direct those feelings at. Much harder to forgive myself for putting up with or continuing to work on something that felt emotionally abusive, on top of of course the other person continuing to cite me as the issue in the relationship, and the lasting damage of the words and actions throughout that entire time).
Also trying to gain courage to open my heart again.. which is better than where I was a few months ago (being able to stand up and shower, leave the house, not think I was a terrible person who was not worthy of being loved, hating myself and the way I looked, not understanding why I was here, etc which sounds SO horrible and is so far outside any mental health space I’ve ever experienced, as I am normally a strong loving, confident, outgoing and affectionate person.. which I think was part of the problem because in the back of my mind I would be like wait no that can’t be what’s happening, I’m too strong and intelligent to be in a super unhealthy dynamic or to be experiencing feeling manipulated or emotional abuse etc. The majority of our dynamic was enjoyable and such a close connection, and because the problems largely centered around circling back to me somehow no matter what, even when they were very clearly in the wrong or simply deactivating in some way, it was still verbalized as a problem with me - and it was incredibly disorienting, if that makes sense?
I kept writing it off and sticking around or became more aware but because I would point these behaviors out, try to do the work or make repairs on one end (not healthy of me- needed to just accept where we were each at if I had known what was going on and expressed that and walked away, rather than trying to pursue conversations or working it out or other unhealthy versions of runner chased dynamic on my end) I’d try to talk about it or argue, ultimately totally blow up and reacting super badly and unhealthily myself over time (also leading to more confirmation that I was the problem, unworthy, not worth dating, not as good as someone’s ex or another person they wanted to date etc)
And any time I did pull away or created distance or fully disconnect, it would be that circle of like, Pulling back in… maintaining control by wanting me around as a ‘friend’ , cycles of using exes or other people (whether real and current, or past connections as buffers whether talking about them or actually pursuing them, especially during times of heightened triggers - all while arguing that this wasn’t happening, or that this was a version of non monogamy - but again not with healthy safe mutual conversation and agreement on both ends, rather a one sided analysis of my worth and where I stood, and what they wanted to pursue and when.) and that it was mainly just that I was ‘terrible’ or ‘not someone I want to date’ ‘I just don’t love you’ etc.. but then fully kept me around in all manners of a partner with constant communication, emotional and physical intimacy, constantly going back and forth between me and someone else while claiming no interest in me romantically.. but also not giving me healthy space, even critiquing the lack of things I did for or with them, and then later being upset for me not acknowledging their displays of love (which I did but coupled with everything else made this feel like a very tenuous way to receive love) or the vast ‘effort’ towards the relationship etc. Which I understand likely felt like effort for both of us when mainly it was simply exhaustion for an impossible race that I was essentially running in some ways very much alone.
He always had someone else (or at least the idea or conversation of that) or an escape route, but I had less space and healthy freedom somehow than any even live-in partnership than I’d ever experienced. (Attachment style is still insecure, so any fluctuation in my own showing up or keeping promises or sticking to a plan or eventually even wanting to answer the phone because I felt like I was in an emotional finger trap of sorts.. I’m sure all created another layer of me not being present or organized or functional for him. Another demerit in the case of me being an unworthy partner 🤯 ) And because I was titled ‘friend’ I had no room to formally end the relationship outside of total no contact, nor discuss it constructively or better strategies or even trying to understand him (everything could be countered with ‘we are just friends’ ‘I never said I wanted to be with you’🤦🏼♀️ ‘you never try to understand me’) This essentially was a losing battle without the platform of DA and the lack of mutually discussed tools or a plan or the desire to have one.. because we weren’t technically IN a relationship. The catch 22 of DA full body armor that can unknowingly trample both parties.
Which when typing this sounds so embarrassing or crazy to have gone through
Or like an over-dramatization of the experience, (which the other person still cites or says that ‘it’s in the past’ etc) ..but I think people really underestimate the VAST impact of non discussion or non awareness of these things can have on one or both partners. Especially especially if the DA isn’t doing the work and is in the controlling phase where they want the other person to stick around but won’t acknowledge anything, or owning their side of the early moments of the dynamic being the initial sabotaging behaviors and even pinpoint the other person as being to blame for, deserving of that or it being warranted or not what they want anymore etc (again still continuing to want the other person around in some capacity even though they are not good for xyz reasons ) or turn everything back around on the other partner, which is terrifying.
Mind you and most importantly I must note! DA’s are strong smart amazing lovable individuals, who can be in strong happy healthy relationships! but if there’s no work or therapy done specifically on this or if it’s seen as self managed and thinking one has it under control to protect their safety by knowing boundaries internally without communicating specifics of these propensities or where they’re at with their work, etc.. and like directly communicating some of the weaknesses to a partner. Or honestly even without mastering some healthier ways of protecting needs and expressly communicating … to at least in SOME way help educate the other person (literally even ‘I can’t really talk about this but here’s a video if this helps’) versus for example engaging in deactivating strategies that involve hurting the other person or pushing them away and then shifting blame. It’s all very complicated but all can be healed and worked on and videos like this help a ton! Just wish I had found them 3 years ago:( Thanks for sharing how you feel @patrickbyrne .. sending you lots of love!
Just today it occurred to me that perhaps one reason we are so susceptible to going back to the same hurtful situation over and over again is because we feel such a deep loss of connection when our DA's distance or leave, and people who haven't been through this, simply can't understand and they feel totally unrelatable. I feel so isolated and will do almost anything to feel an emotional connection, even if it's likely to be short- lived. Covid certainly didn't help either. I get stronger each time, though. So thankful for these videos, they feel like a lifeline.
Thanks for your comment. It pretty much sums up my experience too. And it helps so much to de-personalize it and understand it better. PDS is really a life and heart saver.
@@Kinteresting totally can relate to everything you wrote. Still in it 😔
Didn't realise I was a DA, no wonder relationships don't last. I've got a lot of work to do
To the DA who is actually taking the initiative to try and learn mire about themselves and make a healthy change yo become more secure is the #1 most valuable life changing lessons we can learn and find peace in relationships and all areas of our life from. Shout out from the roof tops to you!! The difference between you as a DA & every other DA is that you are doing the work to seek info on how to make a change in the WORLD. Realize one DA going out of their way to find awnsers for life's real happiness will share their info & bring awareness. So many of anxious attachment souls are being destroyed unknowingly by this sad dynamic. Cheers to you!! I pray you find what u are looking for and it brings contentment to u and your partner! 😃
That's the issue I am facing with a DA man I am dating...and Love! He seems to be growing on his own but doesn't want to take the tests or get involved in understanding more so we can work on BOTH of us and our relationship. Possibly a 'guy' thing, I dk!?! Congrats on exploring the skills to help you maneuver through your challenges. I am secure with underlying influences of avoidance so I am still learning and trying to implement the tools in my life to keep growing. It's a process that anyone who follows through with can only benefit from!
Same i just found out....and I'm not gonna change hence i don't waste my time or others dreaming about relationships etc.... İ really have no emotional connection or feeling towards another human being i can do things that society expects in day to day routine but it's burdensome to my emotions n quickly get rid of it
Do it and please keep going!! You can!! ❤️❤️❤️
no wonder YOUR relationships dont last...
Being married to a DA is the hardest thing I have ever done. I feel completely unloved, unseen, unworthy of closeness and it's to the point I'm starting to wonder if I'M the problem. Over the years I've become a shell of myself in order to not feel the rejection. I no longer want intimacy, I no longer try to connect because I've been programmed over the years to stop trying and walk on eggshells. I'm miserable in this marriage because I crave connection. I literally will have my jaw on the floor when I see couples connecting and loving each other, it's like I can't believe that it actually exists. It makes me want to cry just writing this, but this is my reality.
Get out. You deserve MUCH BETTER.
Wow, this is so sad :( Just reading your story breaks my heart and I feel like this would have been my future had I not left recently. Please end it if you can, you will loose a lot in the process but you will gain a lot back: yourself, your sanity, self-love, peace. It is hard, I know, but staying only means endless misery. You deserve to feel loved.
I can so relate to this. I’ve experienced the kind of relationship you would crave with the love of my life but he died young and then I tried again and I ended up with an avoidant, not knowing what that was really. I’d see other couples or couples in movies and just wish I had that with my partner. And miss that feeling with my late husband. And I had it in the beginning with this guy! It was so hard to understand and to feel that longing while being with someone. We broke up 2 mos ago and I’m just now learning what the issue was. It’s so painful. But also I can’t be angry, they’re just not capable. It’s just scary thinking to try again and find someone else with problems like this 😳
@@jennifers.8772 it is scary and painful, I know, I broke up just less than a month ago, but now we have a responsibility to move to a secure attachment style, heal any childhood wounds related to love and learn about attachment styles so that if we ever meet such a person we can say "not interested" to friendship, romance, or any love partnership. i wish you a healthy, fulfilling love ❤️
You're not alone 🫂
After watching and reading up so much on DAs and being with a DA for 3 years, I think I can safely conclude that a relationship with a DA is a LOT of pain and DAs should be in relationships only if they realise they're DA and are willing to work on it. Otherwise you're in for a roller coaster ride 😂
Emotional rollercoaster in an abusement park
@@SK-no2pp Perfectly described 😂😂😂
@@SK-no2pp That's actually hilarious. I lol'd :D
@@SK-no2pp Some people still take the annual pass for decades😅
Exactly! My DA lacks total self awareness. He jumped into another relationship shortly after we broke up. The woman left him a couple years later because of all of the typical DA stuff. I'm sure he's looking for his next "victim" 😁
this happened in my last relationship - intimacy anorexia. it was the most brutal blow to my self esteem I have ever had and it's the reason why I feel blocked in returning even though we have so much love between us. Every DA needs to know how brutal this is for their partner. I can STILL 5 months after breakup, barely talk about this with my friends because it was so savagely hurtful to be rejected by my partner in this way
Intimacy anorexia... very perfectly described.
Me too. 9 years of rejection..
@@wnt2kiss You can stop the cycle now, it’s never too late
@@SK-no2pp I left 7 months ago.
Yeah, mine started it heavy a few weeks before our child was born and i was ready for sex as soon as i wasnt bleeding down there, and cuddles him after puting the baby to sleep. He stopped touching me and stopped all forms of intimacy and somehow dosnt even see it. Only sees my blow ups after asking for a hug to be held to be cuddled to have sex and to talk so many times. Rough time to go through it with a newborn. At 3 months i sai this would be a divorce if we were married. Hes stayed this way indefinitley
This video is required viewing for a DA who is trying to better themselves.
...or for the AP who imagine themselves to be saints, who don't need bettering themselves...
@@GeorgideMarne doubtful
@@GeorgideMarne facts. I’m a DA and was with an AP (I believe). I’m coming to terms, finally, with my part.. but APs definitely push buttons too. I’m going to fall back from dating for awhile.
So here’s the experience of being married to a DA….1. Contempt and disgust thrown at you out of nowhere because of some weird little emotion she felt three days ago that she can’t process. 2. NEVER saying sorry or even knowing what contrition is or how to express it because they never learned as a child, making you feel that your feelings don’t matter. 3. Every time your relationship seems to get better (more intimate, more vulnerable) they will sabotage it out of nowhere. 4. Emotional intelligence of a 5 year old (seriously, our daughter is learning the things right now that my wife never had). 5. Last and least favorite…. Sex dries up completely. Seriously great for a husband whose #1 love language is physical touch. It’s been years of this and especially worse after our two kids were born and I thought it was postpartum depression. Here it ends up being a combination of having hormonal changes, moving closer to my in-laws who are responsible for all her DA crap to begin with, and a counselor who empowered her to “take a stand and walk away” when she feels threatened. DAs always feel threatened. They are scared little children who never learned to care about anyone else’s feelings because they never learned to deal with their own. Run away, don’t get tied down to one. You’ll spend years of therapy wondering why you just can’t seem to make a difference until you watch these videos and realize that you aren’t the problem, their parents were. Don’t get involved with one unless you are completely comfortable being hurt, not cared for, and having absolutely no power over the quality of the relationship.
You deserve better. So does your daughter...she should SEE & EXPERIENCE a healthy & happy relationship.
Oh. My. God. Thank you so much for sharing this! I feel the same way with my ex. Idk how someone can NOT say sorry. It’s not that hard. What makes this so traumatizing for me is that my ex is a THERAPIST! I feel like she was playing mind games with me! Everyone should be careful with therapist! Some drivers should not be driving. Some doctors should not be doctors. Some politicians should not be politicians. Some barbers should not be barbers. Some therapists should NOT be therapists!
God bless you
Yup, never knew what was up with my partner, past 20 years, finally found out about our personality types, why shit went down so often out of nowhere when it felt too good to be true for too long. Why reconnection felt so intense, just to crumble again to nothing, in a few months of bliss, because of nothing. Have desensitized myself from the hurt, and cannot feel the same about him when I ask him to hold me for a bit.
Just does not feel vulnerable and safe with my feelings with him anymore, since mid May this year, unfortunately.😢
I don't know, or maybe I do, but am afraid to aknowledge it.
My ex DA partner only used to communicate about favourite movies and books and fluff. Whenever I tried to bring up anything of importance that we should and need to work on, no matter how caring and non-judgmental I am, I was not getting a response. I mean there was literally just silence, until I was talking about harmless superficial stuff again. Every time I mentioned something it took days where I (!) had to lure him out of his snailhouse of silence again, and that even though I was still recovering from my breakdown that I had because of his unwillingness to work with me and open up and because of the emotional and verbal abuse that is part of his defence mechanism. He never ever replied to any of this. A relationship is just not possible this way. I took the consequences from this, it was hard but necessary. If someone refuses to communicate and put in the work, it's time to move on and use one's valuable energy for oneself.
If you feel that you’ve done everything you can, you must walk away to protect your own self-esteem and sanity. We cannot fix anybody. I stayed for almost 5 years in that dynamic, and it was heart wrenching. I was so nonjudgmental, gave so much space, support, love and kindness. Remembered holidays and birthdays, and I got so so little in return. At some point he just said he wanted to be alone and didn’t even want to see anyone. Everything was on his terms
Try talking with him, express your needs and set the boundry. If he is not willing to meet you half way, then you owe it to yourself to leave. I know how hard it is, i am dealing with it myself as we speek. But you NEED to love yourself more.
@@sandrae2319 thank you. I have moved on. I have tried to talk with him for years and have told him years ago that this is affecting my mental health and that I am close to breaking point. Nothing. He wanted to work on things when he started to fear he was losing me, but I had a profound breakdown and wasn't even capable of working on things together at that point. Severe PTSD symptoms. No initiative from his side. No reaction. It's all avoidance. I am not even anxiously attached, I only was with him! With others, I am secure..! It's crazy. I'm currently putting the pieces of myself together again after years of bliss and absolute hell, and I am getting stronger. I am finding myself again. Thank you so much for your encouraging words. Merry Christmas and I hope all will go well for you. 💖🎄
@@SK-no2pp I'm so sorry you experienced that! You are so brave! I hope you are happy now. For me it was seven years of happiness and then a sudden 180, full on DA and horrible, horrible abusive behaviour. I kept looking for the person I once knew for another ten years. Enough is enough. I couldn't do it anymore.
No Its not possible tobe in a relationship this way
My ex DA used to tell me all the time that he felt obligated to have sex with me and all I could feel was major rejection/ugly. Once I learned it had nothing to do with me, I could heal.
So, how did he end up not feeling obligated and how did the desire return?
Can relate completely
Me too..Felt so rejected all the time.
100% same.
Good to hear you moved on from that painful place. Hope you own your worth now and choose to be with someone lovely and loving.
Bottom line is (from someone that has been raised sadly and painfully in this way) : if DA recoils in his shell, don't exaggerate in applying pressure, don't act like is owed to you, use reason, be sensible and build connection from there; if whatever kind of abuse is involved on top of shutting down just leave it and go away, never to retrace your steps again. Golden rule right there, simple as that. If every one makes his bit of effort, we are then able to move forward together. Above all, respect yourself 😊🌝
Yes, affection and normalcy is owed to me and everyone else in a relationship
@@evas6052 it is, but sometimes dreadful upbringing gets in the way; outright bad individuals aside, patience and accompanying in closeness is needed; otherwise it might be easier with more fortunate, brought up "secure" partners; besides, I was referring to someone who's not yet in a relationship with you and for some reason you want to approach
@@Francesco_M. just sayin:) and ur right but sometimes i find it shocking how clueless a DA can be when it comes to this stuff. For logical people which DA are its crazy how little logic they apply to relationships.
Great comment thank you
@@evas6052 No it isn’t. Are you a creep?
As a DA, this describes me exactly. My shame wound of not being enough is real. My partner told me countless times how my rejections affected her, but i could not make it stop. I still feel bad for how it affected her even after many years.
Going thru the same right now. I feel so guilty because of what I did to her. It must have been really hard on her to be with me. I wish I knew this before so I could have saved us. But since I cannot make things undone, I will learn everything I can and improve myself before I get into another relation. I do not want to hurt the one I love ever again, only because I am unaware of myself.
@@maschinensohn and nico3641, Please share why you ever looked into being a DA!?!
I appreciate seeing a DA trying and doing the work! Good for you
@@leolady8114 because I was never aware of attachment theory until recently, so I didn’t even know I was a DA until recently, and now it all makes sense.
Hey, how does the shame wound correlate to sex. Care to explain?
We dated for a year- slept together, cuddled, held hands and truly enjoyed all the time we spent together.. every weekend. But. No. Sex. When I gently asked he said "good things come to those who wait" I asked a few more times why he didn't have any interest and he broke up with me.. over the phone. He had just told me he loved me 2 days prior-he took my face in his hands, looked me in the eye and said I love you. He told me he didn't have sexual chemistry with me. He felt pressure. I never asked anything from him. He asked me to spend every weekend with him. I am absolutely distraught. 6 weeks later and I still can't wrap my brain around this.
😢 so painful
I dont trust relationships that have no sex. A friend of mine has had sex just once in 3 years with the partner.
She thinks is all good and can live without it, but now that he's deactivating is no surprise to me, I mean... What kind of healthy man or woman wouldn't have regular sex with it's couple? Even once a month at least.
There is a video for seeming rejection in sex, is very healing to watch, look for it, you'll love it
Biggest issue about this pathology is the fact that the partner of a DA has no clue what is going on. There is not much awareness about attachment theory despite it being discovered decades ago
Yes, and the pathological toxicity of the AP is so covert that no one even aknowledges it !! How sad is that...
@@GeorgideMarne 👏🏽👏🏽🗣
@@GeorgideMarne 😁
If I only was aware of it, I could have saved my relationship.
It is so so so so sad when you don’t know how extreme this is or can get. I am so depressed thinking of the time that I spent when I was so depressed and everything I lost, and it’s this ongoing cycle for me mentally. I don’t even know how to move forward in my life. I keep trying and I have good days but it’s really hard. I need to find more people to talk to:(
I really needed this. I blamed myself for why we stopped being intimate. It hurts when you have sex so often in the beginning then out of no where she just became so distant and would always push me away and would never try to initiate it herself anymore. Made me feel like i wasn’t pleasing her at all and that i wasn’t worthy of being with her because of my apparent incompetence.
Yes in the beginning it was all the time then it stopped 😢
Yep
Definitely dealt with this as well with ex.
Same here... honey moon and then ice cold
This was the final nail in the coffin of my relationship with a DA. He pulled back from the intimacy which was a huge problem for me because my love language is touch, and I need that regular contact in order to feel connected. At my wits end, I suggested exploring therapy for his emotional withdrawal and he completely shut down. Now I realize that he likely felt shamed and frightened by the notion. Wonder if he ever got any help.
We experienced the exact same thing. Touch is my love language as well and my DA ex stopped having sex with me around 6-7 months into our two year relationship. As someone who is open about my depression and anxiety, I suggested therapy since it helped me and spotted similar behaviours in him.
As hard as I tried to stay with someone I loved so deeply, he simply didnt want to put in the work into our relationship. I couldnt keep waiting for something that may never happen and broke up with him. What hurt most wasnt necessarily the breakup itself, since I had mentally prepared for it for some time, but how easily and how quickly he let me go. It made me feel like I didnt mean anything to him at all.
@@xxjxn you did mean something, he’s just incapable of showing it
@@xxjxn I have come to understand that DA’s move on to someone new quickly emotionally and physically as a coping mechanism. A way of avoiding having to deal with the feelings associated with a breakup. They also hate to be alone.
@@brooklynjade Yes, that reminds me of Thais' other video regarding DAs and Rebounds. It really resonated with me and made me wonder if he knew I would be temporary
@@brooklynjade I think you're spot on with that. I'm fearful avoidant, so I understand how the DA's mind works on a lot of that, but not putting expiration dates on people and moving from one person to the next once they feel that expiration date. It's hard for me to get in their mind to see why they do that. It seems cruel but I know it's part of the attachment issue
DA here 😢 this is so painful to hear and recognise in myself. It's only through a relationship with an FA that I realised what I was doing. I don't want to be in this cycle anymore. Thank you Thais for the work you do!
My sons father is extremely DA. For literally the last decade he has used sex as a weapon and withheld sex as a means of control… Would have me Pleasure him (while he videotaped it) but would not reciprocate or have sex with me. Not to toot my own horn but I’m an attractive girl and him not so much.. he’s a total covert narcissist and I don’t say that lightly. Doing it was my only way to keep the peace. So glad I’m out of that toxic hell hole. I’m FA
This is exactly what happened with my ex. He is a DA and I have an anxious attachment style. Got tired of the push-pull and abandonment and had to leave after five years. I'm a new student at PDS and am slowly healing from this relationship. So lucky that I'm learning the tools to meet my own needs and also how to ask for them to be met.
They get disinterested in sex once they realize you want an emotional connection.
I think you are absolutely right. They come on strong at the beginning before the fall for the person
😢 its heartbreaking
True
I'm upfront about it i tell ppl I'm asexual n not interested in sex it weeds out slot of people.....to me it's something serious and i don't play with emotions of these kind.
I'm disinterested from the go
The DA I was with for 9 months, off 3x during 9 months was amazing w sex. Best I have ever had. So emotional and it seemed we both wanted it all the time. He gets close then dumps me. I miss him so bad. The recent break was "im better off alone" "we are just not a good match". He says there is no one else, he just wants things on his terms. Obviously that isnt a relationship. I got upset (HEAVILY AP), and he blocked me again. This is the most painful relationship I've ever had. Worse then going through a divorce. And my divorce really hurt.
Sounds exactly like what I just went through for four years! It's so devastating and painful!😢
Wow I’m sorry
They always want EVERYTHING on their terms!
@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529 yeah screw that. I am alot better now. Not doing that shit again.
Wow! Great information. I’m a secure attachment, however I love to learn about all the attachment styles. It’s made my life so much easier in general with the people I love in my life, family, romantic and platonic.
Thank you Thais. I'm ending a 35 year relationship (30 years married) with 3 kids together because we just didn't have this framework in time and because my DA wife is way too defensive to field anything I feed her about it. There is a spectrum within each of these attachment styles I'm certain. My soon-to-be Ex must be hitting the amusement park hammer bell on DA-ness. Her childhood suggests it as does 35 years of knowing her deeply. She delivered a betrayal trauma to me before we got married which sent me from a bit AP to strong AP. Perhaps because I have played hockey since I was 3 YO, I'm extremely tenacious and battled through this inevitable train wreck for so long. I didn't do that so elegantly at times and inflicted a period of alcoholism on everybody. Sobriety didn't help. It didn't make it worse either. It just surprised me that it didn't seem to matter.
I went on my first date last week with a wonderful woman who's husband died recently - so different reasons to be dating again. I woke up the next morning realizing the stark difference between being with a person who wants to be with me then and there vs a person who does not. That seems so simple, but I realized it only then. My DA went through steadily progressive levels of not wanting to be with me across at least 33 of our 35 years together. That was simultaneously sobering and liberating. Side note: I had a debilitating auto-immune disorder for several years until I discovered this DA vs AP answer to our problem. That disorder vanished within weeks. The body keeps the score by the time you reach your 50's.
So accurate .
Hard for me to grasp when I’ve been next to perfect for her .
It’s not easy to not take it personally
How you holding up?
Finding you as a resource has been relieving. You're right, I feel shame for not naturally being more cold and thinking I don't need constant affection. Couples therapy has helped some, but I just leave feeling bad about myself. It all makes sense now, nothing else has resonated with me aside from being DA. I've done some healing but listening to you break down what DA manifests as I realize that it's all a deep wound I haven't fully addressed. Thank you
This 100% happened once the relationship progressed. I wish I had known then what I know now. It caused a lot of pain for me. Thank you for all you do!
Yes, we do that. Sex for us is about getting a need met. For many of us when we are not in a “relationship” we will shut down sex for awhile. Once in a “relationship” it’s like we have to catch up and then put some on reserve, until we are satisfied, then we back off. Sorry for your pain but please understand this is NOT about the person a DA is with, it’s about us. Most of us come from household where emotional intimacy was not practice and it could have been mocked and seen as being weak . So we never learned how to be emotionally intimate with a person ( pets, yes). If parents don’t build that with their child or children, that pathway in the brain goes undeveloped and you end with ppl who don’t know how to be emotionally intimate. Then we spend years alone ( even if we are in a “relationship”) those who have been single most of their lives may seek help and spend years trying to heal and connect with others. Basically we are really emotionally messed up and don’t know how to deal with or handle it.
@@CatEyedGoddess Thank you for this response, it makes me feel better to know. Often times I feel like a dismissive avoidant behavior makes the other person, On the receiving end feel like somehow they’re not enough, or could’ve done more.
@@SK-no2pp it's not completely untrue. For a DA thier partner isn't dismissive enough. But that's obviously not a thing a healthy person should improve on. Understanding others perspective is however very helpful.
@@CatEyedGoddess what's your advice to encourage a DA for personal development?
@@vladimirsamsonov46 I’m confused, i was supposed to be more dismissive?
Tomorrow is his birthday , we were 4 years on & off , because of the push/ pull & him always pushing me away & then returning , I still love him , I had to detach because he pushed me away too many times & was ignoring me & not acknowledging my love at all
It hurts
You are truly a gift from God. This enlightened me to issues that were the worst pain I ever felt
Wow. Thank you for making this video. This really hit home and gives me a context for a lot of my sex and dating history.
In my experience that last thing a DA will want to do is talk about it.
Yup. And if you can get them to talk about it, you walk away either deeply insulted or confused.
Thanks so much for the video. I had this exact question. You're the best, Thais.
I will never date another DA for as long as I live.
Same!!!
It's exhausting
What are you here for Actually. That's disrespectful to whole traumatas we have gone through. You are not forced to be here and if you are then speak respectfully without using the word 'never'
@@nuez23747 spoken like a true DA. Don’t accept responsibility, just lash out at others. I suggest signing up to the PDA school and doing some soul searching for yourself
That’s Fair
I have this repeating cycle in my life that I’m trying to fix, which brought me here. When I’m in a long term relationship (2+ years), things start out fine sexually, but after 6 months to 1 year I don’t want to be intimate anymore. I don’t want sex at all and it starts to feel like an obligation. I feel guilty because I’m not fulfilling my partner’s needs, even if they are very understanding and try not to pressure me. My current relationship is really positive and happy other than this, but this problem is just slowly becoming a cloud over everything we do together. I don’t want to lose this person, so I’m here. This is terrifying for me. The problem feels so big, I don’t even know where to start. I’m at least grateful to see that others are struggling with the same thing, and that it has a name.
This was happening to me. Was with my sons father for 10yrs. We are the anxious/ avoidant trap. But he has been the to break up with me both times. Im the DA. He would never voice his needs until he was breaking up with me. This last breakup, he immediately jumped into another relationship bc I think its bc of the lack of physical and emotional intimacy. Not sure. Im in therapy now. Trying to work some stuff out.
I'm reading Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. He explains the why of sexual avoidance and tools to use to get thru it. A very unique approach. I'm excited to use his tools with my avoidance issues.
Check out Adam Lane Smith and his video on the biochemistry of dismissive avoidants. Your experience and what you described is really similar to what he describes
I consider myself a DA. Despite wanting space all the time and valuing my independence, it really helps to build romance - actually force yourself to DATE your partner again. This can be indoor dates like dinner, candles, a massage and a movie, or experiencing something new together outside of your home environment.
That was an incredible amount of information. I really needed that explanation. Ugh, I have so many questions
Thank you, thais, for all the hard work you put into this information, your courses, and your videos. Thank you for sharing them freely and genuinely caring about people enough to generously offer the tools for people to better themselves. You are a light.
Wow, I thought I was the only one who experienced this with my partner. I had no idea this, too, was a thing with DA tendencies. This only improves after a few years if I totally disappear or he just doesn’t need it anymore. Ouch.
This has been one of the most painful aspects of dating my partner and I have wanted to leave so many times because it is like dating a person who is dead or who single at all times.
Yeah it is almost like you are living separately but together on only their terms. If you bring up your needs then you're immediately shunned and they'll withdraw. In the beginning though it is bliss because their anxious side fuels their excitement and desire to lure and bait you. Then they go dormant and don't understand how or why you're left reeling. It's because you're too needy lol I am going to be recovering from this for a long time. Not even sure what the truth was.
@@jamesgraves9858sounds like a narcissist
Yes, that’s a good description. We were single partners. 2.5 years. But not progressing 😢
@@jamesgraves9858ikr, what is the truth after everything? What is life? .. crazy times
Perfectly described. My favorite episode yet.
Wow holy moly I am a fearful avoidant according to your quiz but this resonates with me so much 😢😢😢
Merry Christmas, Thais and team, you wonderful lifesavers, instructors and educators! You are doing incredibly important work and I wish you a happy, healthy and peaceful Christmas and New year! Much love 🎄💖✨
Thank you so much for that wonderful message Jane. Wishing you a great 2021. Thanks for being here with us.
-PDS team member
Thanks for sharing Thias. As an half SA/half AP this is very difficult and painful to live with. I love my DA guy. But it is hard to not be pursued. He is rather open to your videos and agrees with the things you say, and has started to do some work just from the free TH-cam videos. I have started to do the work with the all access membership and loving it. How can an AP cope with this lack of sex and intimacy. And how can we motivate and encourage our DA to keep up their work too. Especially if they’re willing but just forget about it because they’re more interested in other things. It’s not as pressing for him because he’s always “fine”. But for me, it feels urgent for survival. I need it fixed, otherwise I emotionally feel like I’m going to die inside. I can not leave my partner as we are in a committed marriage. But it’s unbareable at times.
The issue of ‘porn addiction’ needs to be addressed referencing DA (will explain their lack of need/want for sex or intimacy!) 🦋🕯
I think you are approaching it from the wrong framework. You cannot fix him, nor should you wish for that. The healing part for the anxious preocupied is self soothing, focus on that. The rest will or won't come. Even if it doesn't is not your responsability.
A video of how criticism or shame hurts and shuts down an avoidant.
then i go and read the comments to solidify my shame lol
Such a good timing 😄🥰
After having some bad experiences i lost interest in intimacy. Im afraid to be vulnerable with a man again and I just love myself. I don't want to just be a toy for him to dump his load in... There are plenty of queers out there that love that but not me...
I've mentioned it online before and individuals tried to gaslight me and just call me insecure and immature 🙄 I don't think casual sex and disregard for your body makes a person mature. I'm valuable and men cheat, they're unscrupulous.. No more tears and broken heart for me.
I am very grateful for your videos!
This is exactly what happened with my ex. I certainly wasn’t the perfect partner, but I tried my best and was never abusive. So I didn’t understand why she pulled away so hard and never really opened up to me or trusted me. This explains a lot and makes me feel like much less of a piece of crap than I did when I was with her.
Yeah. I know the feeling. You tried your best but the thing is that is what makes them uncomfortable. They think you're someone to lose. That you'll wise up. They treat you right then they don't. They tire out of the their efforts. Put their attention to other things to keep them busy. You're left practically alone. You anxiously want more attention and love. They get upset at your wants. Remove all you ask for and more. Then you are left breaking. With no love. Finally it all shatters and it ends with them abruptly calling the shots because they've minimized your importance to them so much already it's as if you don't exist at all. Lol it's absolutely a wild ride that will take me forever to get over. Hope you're alright
If I wasn’t in NC I would love to share this with my ex who broke my heart with “I don’t feel the same about you anymore “ after being together for 9 years.💔
the same thing happened to me, I wish I knew sooner
24 years here
Thank you Thais, this video explains so much for me when I was understanding every other aspect of things but this one and now I understand. Mine even was trying to convince me that I should dip into watching porn to fulfill my need but for me I need human touch. Not even sex but emotional and physical touch but it explains a lot and I’ll take it as him caring about my needs. This timeline doesn’t follow the timeframes of the stages as we are 8 months and I feel like we are in the power struggle stage and I tell you I’ve been having trouble navigating this. I am a recovered secure but was in an long long term Emotionally abusive relationship and I catch myself tilting back into triggers but can notice them and get them under control fairly quickly now. Anyhow thank you again.
My DA partner confessed he hired prostitutes at some point, had a lot of one night stands, but now that we are married with have sex very rarely. He says maybe it’s because he’s older or perhaps because we are not compatible , but I think the real explanation is that he’s DA. He is a DA in other ways, many ways people describe in the comments. I think our relationship is doomed …
I'm compiling info on DA, narcissistic traits and "vibrations". It's very interesting how all these sources add up and click in. Chances are, people, that you're the opposite, which is anxious preoccupied, but also so called highly sensitive person or a degree of an "empath". you may develop an "attachment" to a DA/narc person or an attachment to your plans of your future. that is the cause of all suffering and as you detach from the result, everything turns to better, as if universal consciousness really existed.
Hi Thais! Would you also do a video on the different types of emotional neglect and how that affects each attachment style?
Yes I want to know about this to!!
👍🏽
That’s a really good one
Imagine living in this hell... I know DA's are in deep emotional pain, but doing what they do, is only going to make things worse, their copying mechanism protects them but it hurts others... I am watching these videos so I can be more well equipped to spot a dismissive avoidant right away so I don't get involved with them ever again.
Amazing video, you look amazing and are brilliant as always! Picture quality and lighting absolutely outstanding in this video, but I'm wondering about the sound? I don't mean to be rude, I apologise if this is inappropriate. It just sounds really muffled and not very clear and as everything else in the video is so high quality, I was wondering about this. However, amazing content as always! Have a wonderful day, you are a brilliant, brilliant woman! 🎄✨💝
I heard everything just fine
@@SK-no2pp me too, I understand her, but the sound is a bit muffled I think, tried on different devices. But it's ok
If I could go back in time with this information, things could be so different. I now understand that it wasn’t me. That he needed to heal ❤️
I was dating a hot and cold FA/DA that with held intimacy, dating, and affection. He was a mama’s boy to a very narcissistic emotionally abusive mom to make matters worse he was an only child. I dealt with this 5 months before getting tired but I ended up getting pregnant had to make a choice and ended up not keeping cause he wouldn’t commit and didn’t want kids at the moment cause he hadn’t recovered from the loss of his child previously. I felt it would be a toxic environment for a child or healthy pregnancy for me cause we argued so much, but now I not only have to get my self love (cause I was begging him to see my hurt) and sanity back (cause I was losing my mind and felt drained) but I also have to grieve my loss. This video was very informative and needed.
Thank you ! My ex is a DA , I didn’t pick up on it until our over 2 year relationship abruptly ended ! But for the past 2& 1/2 years he hasn’t stopped chasing me for sex , which was off the charts , we started as best friends to physical to gf , then breakup ! It’s been extremely hard and painful , where I had to pull back and do me ! He’s dated , started having sex with others , basically seeing people that are not avail , like married or with a lot of kids ! He’s so fearful he’s constantly sabotaging ! We had been trying to rekindle , but I feel I’m done ! He just said that I should find someone closer to my age for passion ! Def a defense mechanism, i gently had told him he was a da, but I cannot make him get help ! 🙏🏾 Thank you Thais for this info ! You get to the point you feel like your crazy ! ♥️
If he's doing all these behaviors and refusing to look into his attachment style, I really hope you can move on and take none of the rejection personally.
Thank you so much David , I greatly appreciate your comment ! yes I took my power back and ended this toxic cycle , because he has shown no interest in trying to get help! I feel he enjoys being toxic a little , actually I feel he is more in denial , it’s easier to stay how you are than to relive pain and trauma to heal ! God Bless you 🙏🏾♥️
Thank you, explains a lot!!
No matter what the reason are, DA just suppress sex desire on a regular base. Even in the beginning stage when attraction is still strong, DA will not express it. Especially when attraction is strong therefore fear of losing control is strong. DA suppress their feelings even at this stage. As AP woman, I feel like I was begging for sex. As if you don’t beg, DA are not sure you really want it. For DA, it is very important for them to know you want and will invest more in the connection than they are. If DA feel they want you more than you want them, they will withdraw. ( it’s usually in the beginning stage, when male DA has a natural tendency to want more sex than female AP, but DA feel unsafe to proceed. )therefore the relationship stopped right in the beginning when AP didn’t chase, or the relationship started as a vicious cycle when AP chase
That happened with me and my DA ex, we had sex 4 times early on when she shut it off. She blamed menopause, and her beliefs about premarital sex. But her sister enlightened me that had happened to every man she has been with. It seems like she has a pattern of sex 4 times before she stops with everyman she has been with. She was married to a man and only had sex with him 4 times over 4 years of their marriage. She is her own worst enemy, she sabotages every relationship that she has had. 2 of her men cheated on her, I had to leave because of the lack of intimacy, she wouldn't even sleep in the same bed as I.
I just ended a relationship with a DA, damn it was too much pain for me as an anxious preoccupied. She was too unaware and too unwilling to work on it even when I went the gentle approach, at one point I was just thankful the trash was taking itself out when she broke with me. Too much work, avoiding too much, I am always at the losing end, I get sex I lose the connection. I try for the connection I lose the sex. Fk this! Next!
😂
It's rough man. I know what you went through. The only time they're really interested in you is the beginning. Then you notice a decline as they find just little flaws in you. They withdraw and you anxiously pursue. They withdraw more. You may even step back but then they come at you cold and distant but acting like they care but don't really care lol it's just insane. My gf dropped me through text. Parting words were as if I didn't ever matter at all. I hope you're doing ok
I agree w try for connection loose the sex. Get sex loose the connection. I could never understand it
Yup just gone through this myself (2months after 31/2 years together)… my ex left me just as I had an episode with my now newly diagnosed bipolar…
I’m certain my ex is a D/A and she pulled away intemacy. I tried to talk but couldn’t find a way in.
I’m currently F/A heading back to secure (to many test prove I’m secure attached with anxiety) but I agree I still have so much love and compassion for her but learning to exist without her.. I’m healing and developing myself and just hope she can see the same in herself..
D/A’s aren’t bad people they just need some self love and I wish I could have been stronger for her…
I'm an FA with a DA. This video really triggered my abandonment fear, knowing this will most likely happen. 😔
Idk, it's sort of like expecting a regular joe to be able to be thrown into a professional league game as a pro ball player and as they crap out - can't even do the basics - people are mystified as to why this is so. It's simple and plain. These folks aren't merely ill equipped to be in relationships, they quite literally don't have the equipment, it's sitting in the recesses of their mind under lock and key. Outcome the same. Don't get mad, don't try to hang in there and understand them.... if you truly are looking for an intimate romantic relationship you simply must go somewhere, anywhere else
But then what does Thais’s program promise?
Thank you for this lesson. This rings a bell and it got to the stage where I'd had enough. She pushed me away like you wouldn't believe... used abused dirt before the brush. How could she be hurt?
and feeling pain? Now I understand. We were nearly two years together and true to old fashioned ways, no sex by mutual concent (we're Cbristians). So I ended things suddenly fortnightly but perhaps dispassionately. She had me totally messed up. Problem is I still love her. After about three months no contact I ask her for a jam recipe and she replies. Then, much too quickly (anxious) I ask her for something else and I get this reply. See what you think:
"Andy I wld appreciate if you wld refrain from sending me anymore texts. I am trying to move on from this painful period in my life and it does not help when you approach me and text me. Your wish was to end our friendship and I have honoured that and I only ask that you allow me to move on. Thank you".
I'm a DA and I've wrestled with confusion around this for a while. I can definitely tell some stuff comes from my fears outweighing the closeness I have felt in a lot of moments and the feeling of obligation being far more present than my own emotions. But I also struggle wondering if I'm on the asexuality spectrum because part of the obligation comes from feeling like I don't really need or desire sex most of the time, and I feel more intimacy with my partner from shared nonsexual activities. I almost get disappointed when my partner wants to have sex because I feel like it interrupts whatever we were doing that I was enjoying. Is this a DA thing or a sexuality thing?
Ones sexual appetite shouldn’t be used to define someone as a DA=Maybe asexual
It depends if you are 100% real in a conversation. Once we have Sex, and the two separate people link, there is no pretending anymore. I'm extremely psychic. I know everything once a guy enters my body🙈 even the other girls he recently slept with and is still connected. Be honest with yourself if you are wearing a mask.... because once you are connected physically it's real intimacy if you truly want it or not.
I'm still struggling with being 100% real😳 I don't wanna be real and then be rejected😳
I would recommend you go to a Tantra massage. A friend opened up recently to me about it. The woman was older and he didn't feel attracted to her... there was no intercourse involved. At some point he cried like a baby😭😭😭and she held him😭 This was the most liberating moment of his intimate life. Sure you pay 200-300$ but it is a business transaction. This paying helps letting go, because there is no pressure involved. I wanna do this myself and go to a woman to have a sacred feminine connection without pressure of "^will this work out? Will he like me? Will he leave me like everyone else in my life? Do I look beautiful enough for him? Am I too skinny? Am I enough? 😳 Having intimacy workout having to wonder all this might be a good experience 👍🏻 😘❤
Your not alone.. I struggle with the same thoughts..
I’ve know of a FA who, after wanted to cease physical intimacy, except cuddling, they were together 4 months when this started. They was no emotional intimacy as she refused to provide information about herself. He decided to end the relationship.
That's exactly what happened with my DA ex..I tried to wait,to not put pressure on him,but many times I felt so tired and rejected and I expressed my anger toward him. In the last months of our relatioship,after a short break up decided by me,we went back together but he didn't touch me anymore (I think he didn't trust me emotionally anymore) and I discovered he had started chatting with cam girls asking porn contents and when he saw me so shocked he left me .
Can you make a video about the rights of passage/phases of a relationship?
The best Vedio ❤️❤️
I don’t think I could ever bring this up with my DA partner. It would be met with silence and stonewalling. We can’t talk about more benign emotional issues so my mind tells me this would be an emotional disaster … for me! I, for the most part, feel alone in this relationship.
this is so true. My ex DA wife stopped intimacy with me just after we moved in together.
If you're an FA who's loosely connected to a DA, I guess it's pretty much hopeless, right? Lol. "Loosely connected" sounds like it could work, in theory... except that for me, I want to be more closely connected, and more often. That's a problem, and I can see how he would perceive me as the problem. When there is intimacy, he doesn't feel safe... but I feel good. Then he does what he needs to to to feel safe again (create distance) which activates my core wound around abandonment. What we seem to do best is trigger eachother.
That's exactly how it works for insecure attachment styles who are toguether, just trigger each other. Is funny somehow
The more needy he becomes, the more repelled I feel, and the more repelled I feel the more needy he becomes.
Sex used to be such a pleasurable experience. Now it has become associated with pressure, stress and disappointment. I feel sad for making my partner feel this way, I want him to feel desired but it seems like my sexual appetite recoils whenever I expect it to show up. It's a mess.
You should try to go to a romantic place with him for example a SPA ....go to calming places...travel the weekends and don't stress. Just touch and excite your bodies without having sex...and gradually increase the exciting exercises. Very important to tell him your needs and communicate. Tell him you want to lead !!.What made it be a plasurable experience before??
the more i watch and be aware about myself the more i want to be that way
I thought it was me for so long. 5 years wasted and I’m just now coming across this info and wish I could get my 5 years back. Imagine your partner coming home from work and they’ve conditioned you not to greet them with a hug or a kiss because “they don’t want to do all that after a long work day”. I felt like a puppy whose owner was training them to “sit” in order to earn a treat. That’s how intimacy was held from me. There was always an excuse or reason why I wouldn’t get it. My ex would light up if I asked about work, sports, or their interests. If I ever asked about how they could be more intimate with me the energy just went dead in the room. Zero interest. Zero enthusiasm. It hurts and makes you feel so undesirable and invisible. I was shamed for trying to be intimate. Would literally move my hand away if I tried to initiate physical touch. I feel so at peace now knowing leaving was the best thing. I am so at peace and happy now being single. I do not miss being se*ually or emotionally starved. It made me cry everyday
Im so confused after watching this. Good thing im ugly and dont have to deal with such things.
No you're not. You're attractive, but you know it's what's on the inside that matters most. Be good to yourself. God didn't create any trash.
Imagine your partner never wanting to be intimate with you or showing interest. One day I got out the shower and they saw me without clothing and just gave me a thumbs up and walked out the room to continue watching tv. I wanted to break down and cry.
Question, sometimes whenever I am around certain people (including my ex, which even at the time we were together, this behavior did still show itself) I get absent minded, lose focus, forget names or events, have trouble being in the moment, or unable to articulate my thoughts. This doesn't happen with my best friend or certain other people for example. Can you talk a bit about this? I'm wondering if this something DA related and how anxiety shuts off my brain and how to deal with it
Thank you!
You are exhibiting traits of AA, happens to me too. I know the feeling.
My 2 cents: you dissociate instead of regulating your emotions. I knew an FA who did exactly that. Check out the vagal theory. Probably you feel safe with your best friend who is not threatening, so no need to dissociate there, but otherwise bam, the memory problems start, either it's a good emotion but too intense or a bad one. Just my thoughts.
Wow i am having the exact same thing. I even can’t speak the way I normally do. My brain freezes. I kinda feel that it is because of my DA partner but couldnt be sure. Now i am relieved.
@@GeorgideMarne thank you for the reference! I was totally unaware of the vagal theory! Hmm, to find the factors that my subconscious is finding as 'threatening' as to not allow me to access all of my brain... Thats going to take some time, but the awareness of this will make me more on the look out. Thank you
@@GeorgideMarne Whoa, thank you for mentioning the polyvagal theory!! I've been looking into these things for years, if not decades, and this is the first time I've heard of it.. Definitely explains a lot!
I was with my Ex for 2 and abit years, the first year and half was really amazing, yes we had problems but usually would get over it, we didn’t argue for 6 months and the intimacy was okayish like once every 2 weeks for the first 6 months, but then it got to the point where she would reject me every time for a good month then do it then would stop for a month or so again, its draining and they don’t even want to change or know why they feel like this. They then hate opening up about there problems or emotions so its alot of problems for someone who’s anxious to deal with
How do you distinguish between DA attachment style and whether someone has performance anxiety/loss of libido instead?
Reading the comments below, people seem to see the DA’s reluctance to be physically intimate as a deliberately cruel, manipulative action.
I identify with aspects of both FA and DA. In my past relationship, as a result of the medication I was on at the time (a high dose of antidepressants) I was often very sleepy and had a low libido. I very rarely denied my then partner intimacy, but he was fully aware that the medication I was on had a lowering effect on my libido (I wasn’t ready to come off it fully at that time.) Whenever I was trying to get to sleep, he would often be touching me in intimate places (not aggressively just persistently) despite me having told him I wanted to sleep, and it would take me saying it numerous times before he’d stop.
I began resenting him as it appeared to me like he thought he had a right to my body, to touch me sexually, at ANY TIME just because I was his girlfriend, regardless of whether I wanted it or not, and that it was my “job” as his girlfriend to comply. He would often stand behind me in the communal kitchen and grab my butt when I was washing dishes, when anyone could have walked in and seen. I would always be really uncomfortable and tell him I didn’t like this, but he seemed to see it as a joke, So as a result I became very tense and felt irritation on any occasion he did it, whether behind closed doors or not. I felt embarrassed and degraded.
I still can’t work out whether I was being overly uptight (I am quite a shy and private person) or whether my feelings of irritation were justified. Perhaps it’s just a case of different personalities.
All I know is, the more he exhibited these kind of behaviours the less respected and more resentful I felt. I feel this only exacerbated my low libido as it got to the point where I felt repulsed by him (shortly before I ended it) .
I didn’t feel like I could relax properly around him (or at least my subconscious didn’t) and I experienced chronic insomnia for the last few months of our relationship. I tried everything...herbal teas, meditation, exercise, and nothing sent me to sleep. I would literally be awake all night, it was absolutely ridiculous and became impossible to ignore!
Interestingly, as soon as I’d summoned the courage to split from him and was back in my own bed, my sleep was completely healthy and normal again, and I never ONCE regretted the breakup!! Interesting how the body (which is the “mind” of the subconscious according to Dr Joe Dispenza) knows what isn’t right for us ...and also what IS good for us on that holistic level.
Once more, thank you for all this amazing and invaluable free content, Thaïs!
Some parts of that sounds like abuse (which i am not qualified to adress at all!)
If i may ask some other questions, with regards to the relationship, did he always have to initiate sex with you ?
DA’s reasoning for themselves are valid of course, but to a Anxious person the physical connection is the life line they want in a relationship.
It is like being on a island, where you are the only one you get someone on your island, and they dont want to stay on the same side of the island, they would rather walk away, stay on the other side except maybe for somthing practical.
I might tell you, I felt my DA ex went through something similar. I feel embarrased that she may have felt abused somehow by me. I'm even afraid she might go after me somehow, by feeling violated.
But there is truth in what they say sexuality is a life line for an anxious attachement style. Is about feeling connected, and when we feel rejection in that area, suffering comes around.
I'm not qualified at all to say you weren't abused somehow, just want to enlight we can be really persistent if there has been several months of sexual anorexia and get triggered asking ourselves if the person wants to be with you ever again or maybe they have found someone else to fulfill their needs.
Also, the personality thing plays an important role.
I've been with women who get really anoyed by public displays of intimacy, and with others who have no problem touching around even in front of people.
As for your feeling of "obligation" that definitely sounds like a DA to me. Is not that this person might have had the idea of a right over your body, is just that regular people tend to have more desire and I can tell you, society has deemed ok for man to "fight" for sex, as women often denied. There are literally tons of jokes about it.
This is complicated, again I have so little info, I'm not a specialist, but there is my personal experience, hope it helps!
After 7 years, my partner was splitting on me to such an extent that I think he may have BPD with narcissistic traits. He's DA as well. No sex, no affection, no love from one day to the next, after seven years of passion, empathy and bliss. That phase of withdrawal, hatred, depression, anger and lack of intimacy lasted for ten years. I kept looking for the person I once knew. I can't do this anymore and have realised so ten months ago already. When he feared to lose me he said he wanted to work on himself. I don't think this will ever happen and at this point is not my problem anymore. I had a nervous breakdown and need to heal.
I find it hard to say what of his behaviour was DA and what may be either CPTSD, BPD or narcissistic traits. It's very confusing because I feel these protection mechanisms have all something in common (and BPD and NPD are ultimately as much a protection mechanism as DA attachment). Even though it doesn't really matter at this point, it would still be good to know.
Would it be possible to make a video about the differences between the change from passion / intimacy to no passion / intimacy in a DA, and how this differs from someone with CPTSD, NPD or BPD? Does the difference lie in the severeness of the abuse?
I would suggest to observe the behavior all together. DA would usually continue to connect through acts of service. There are other videos on diagnosis and symptoms of NPD, BPD etc. Generally DAs and NPD are against working on themselves and don't recognize own issue as something one can work on, so it does not fit in category
"People with BPD are likely to develop a preoccupied or fearful attachment type, or both. These two attachment types are similar in that people experience a high degree of anxiety associated with the fear of abandonment, but they differ in how people interact with others in order to feel safe."
According to The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook, by Daniel J Fox
@@vladimirsamsonov46 yes then my DA ex did exactly that connected with helping with my apartment, I can't be sure if he was nod, in the end I found him with another. I had tears in my eyes, I find it hard to push down and when no asked him if they mean anything he kind of smiled and said no. ( he could have easily thought it was manipulation, but more so I ruining his next grooming I think. And boy was she dumb. The things she was saying....Doormat.
Just intuitively, and from my extensive studding and research, it sounds like BPD. Splitting is not common in NPD the way it is in BPD. In BPD your partner has the approach/avoidance conflict. They want and crave intimacy but then also repel it. In addition, you’re either idealized (put on a pedestal or devalued). A.J Mahari on TH-cam kind of states that BPD is essentially CPTSD. People who develop BPD had an emotionally unavailable parent/ and or suffered abuse. It’s a relational disorder and they cannot attach to you long term in a healthy manner. When you are being subject to BPD splitting you’ll be gaslighted, they’ll project their inner insecurities on to you, etc.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I hope you get into some kind of active therapy or recovery program too!
@@janefaceinthewind6260 I don’t personally like Sam Vaknin and I’d contact or have a phone session with AJ Mahari who is a therapist now, worked with many many people and healed from BPD. Was married to a NPD too. I spoke to her a few times personally which is why I’m vouching for her. Besides that, I have no involvement. She may shed some light
As an FA leaning DA I experience this
2:53
3:14 as relationship gets closer
5:30 5:40
Opening up is such a SCAM.
i have had so many people tell me they love me and see me and coax me to talk about deep things but when i do they tell me i am "too much"
A relationship is nothing but an extended rejection
Just curious, I know that I'm a dismissive avoidant, and I have Alexithymia, so is that also the cause of impotence/erectile dysfunction?
So, as long as I have this attachment style, I'll always suffer from ED?
I wish they had the consideration to understand their not the only person in this. You can really damage someone and now I’m in the process of having to come back into my body and feel safe. It’s incredibly painful to the other person and to do that to someone you “love” is unforgivable.
Im in a relationship with someone for 3 years. He is giving me no sex no intimacy for over a year now. And no compliments. I only feel beautiful when i go out or around other people and men. He is destroying my self. I been considering plastic surgery its gotten so bad. I cant handle this anymore
Get out of that relationship, DA don't deserve relationships their just for sex and NOTHING else.
@MOON-pe4jm You are ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS!!! I do hope you don't get plastic surgery, you sure don't need it-- you need to DUMP HIM and get someone who appreciates you.
Hey is it possible to make a video on healing from the damage done by DA ex.. he just cut me off i have been questioning myself since
NPD
I hope you are better.
Is there any other way to tell if they are a DA? Mine talks and opens up about almost anything and I don’t see anything besides the lack of physical intimacy! We are are only 4 months in and he says he wants to take it slow and not have a sexual based relationship but idk if that’s true as we have already been intimate a few times.
I didn't know what was going on, so when intimacy got less and he pulled away, I eventually panicked and said I needed more. He broke up with me and we no longer speak. Now I realize he was a DA.
You dodged a bullet. Find someone who wants love, not shame you for wanting love.
Lucky you
I robbed myself of getting into relationships and friendships cause of my dismissive and avoidant. I recognized this and I’m trying to figure out why I am the way I am and how I can get out of it. Especially the part of associating the person with the wound. I didn’t realize this could happen.
in case of early onset CPTSD in roots, such figuring may be limited in reach, I guess. because these things are ‚wired into’ cognitions, fundamentally.
2 years tried to facilitate healthy discussions with my avoidant ex and she always intensified and got triggered and hurt me or withdrew sexually and needing 3 day breaks every month and couldn’t communicate or show up consistently to put in even 50 percent of the effort I was given so I had to walk away despite my feelings no more Dismissive Avoidant’s again
What can a secure partner do to make the relationship work, if the DA would not do the work? It's been a year and a half, the intimacy is slowing down but the emotional connection is getting stronger.
Express their needs, and if DA is not open to work on it, walk away.
@@sandrae2319 this is how things stand from the DA 's partner' s perspective. I was rather asking what the partner can do to help the DA and stay with him 🙂. Thais suggests taking about core wounds. How, if the DA is not opening up? Would being sustainable and reliable long enough do?
@@ivapushkarova7012 I know what you mean and you talk from place of love. Thais has couple of videos how you can create a safe space for them. But you have to create a specific time frame in your head until it improves, because if DA is still unwilling to do the work, then it definitely can’t work 🙂
Wow. I wish I knew this 2 years ago..
What do you do if the dismissive has been triggered in this manner and associated you with the pain and took space (possibly cut you out). Is there anything that can be done or reach out and say?
I'd say ...give him heaps of space....wait awhile if he comes back. If not, reach out to him in a humourous tone ( I'm assuming you are not living together, so it will be a text)
Hello Thais and PDS team. I watched several videos of Thais saying it can be touchy to just share a specific video about DA to a DA person because of the shame it will trigger. Is it possible to create a video that can be an entry point that we could share ? Would that be a good idea ? What are the other options ?
Actually, I have found one that might be a good starting point : th-cam.com/video/VuSbN3ck8Dw/w-d-xo.html
I have this big looming question though. Went to dismissive avoidant checks out and stop having sex, are they abstinent or are they cheating?
Omgosh.. he's a psychologist so I thought he'd have an understanding. But his flight patterns are showing. He's holding back his truths till its already caused distance. Is it too late now that he's built up his resistance?
My dad is DA and holds a PhD in psych. To my knowledge, he's never quite understood his own patterns. He knows now, in his late seventies, that he's "never been good at relationships", which I was actually fairly shocked to hear - it's uncommonly self reflective for him, but I think as they get older, as with all of us, their capacity to look back increases. I don't know if it's too late or not - some DAs get past a certain point and it's permanent for them. Others not, but I don't know what the litmus for testing that would be except to just try to communicate about it and see what he does. From what I've seen so far in the vids and in my own experience with DAs as partners (I'm FA), once they're on a track, it's hard to get them off of it unless they're fully aware of Why they're doing what they're doing. And often, they aren't. Doesn't mean they can't learn, it just means it's not quite as likely as it would be if you had an AP or FA and were telling them about this stuff.
They make you feel like a sex offender for real when you ask for it 😕😆🙃
Would this be the same for an FA who is deactivating and having a lot of avoidant tendencies towards the end?
Yes. There is another video on emotional anorexia that mentions FAs that are dismissive. Sexual and intimacy anorexia fall under emotional anorexia.
Powerful
Does this also apply to the people pleasing DA? My experience has been a little different in the sense that it seems the only way I can get emotional intimacy from my people pleasing DA partner is through physical intimacy. Anyone else have this experience?
Yes
Yes
Yes
You are lucky that you still get the intimacy