How did you know its ocd. This theme is really fucking me up big time. It is so extreme and against my values but it feels so real. When i look logically at it it is prob ocd but it feels so real
It has been 3 years since the height of my POCD, and I’m in a better place now than I’ve ever been in my life. Sharing my story here in case it’s helpful to anyone- I am a 27 year old cis male who identifies as gay or queer, having always been attracted to men and more masculine-appearing nonbinary people. My POCD has followed suit, with the focus being boys, and I have no history of being sexually abused. I don’t know when my POCD began. I’ve had it as long as I can remember, which used to scare me because people in these forums can usually point to a specific incident or time when it started. I’ve also dealt with many other forms of OCD and related issues since childhood, such as the need for things to feel “just right”, intrusive thoughts, perfectionism, and more. Back then, and to this day, I find myself aesthetically drawn to certain people. I have always had a sense of what is nice looking to me, in any gender and any age, but especially men/boys. This really messed with my head as I got older, because I would mistakenly believe that appreciation meant sexual attraction. It got really bad in late 2019 and early 2020. I was spending hours upon hours each day researching, ruminating, testing myself, even coming up with hypothetical scenarios to see how my body and mind would react. One interesting aspect of my POCD is that I was never worried about doing something harmful. I knew for a fact I would never have sexual contact with a child, and even if I suddenly developed the desire to, I knew my values were strong enough to deter me. Rather, the anxiety behind my POCD centered on having an attraction to minors in the first place- what it said about me as a person, the rejection it might bring, the implications for my life, etc. Whenever I considered seeing an OCD specialist, I would think “Aren’t they biased? Aren’t they going to assume I have POCD even if I don’t?” What I believe now is that everyone is biased, OCD specialist or not, but mental health providers who aren’t trained in OCD are extremely biased to believe someone is a MAP when they aren’t. In July of 2021, I started an anti-anxiety medication (escitalopram) for the first time in my life. It was absolutely life changing for my social anxiety and helped a decent amount with my OCD as well. About 6 months later in January 2022, I started seeing a therapist who specializes in OCD. Two years later, I still don’t have a definitive answer as to whether I’m attracted to minors or not, and that no longer bothers me. I accept the fact that it could be true, and go about my life as usual. I still have groinal responses sometimes, but they no longer mean anything to me. For example, I’ve had a groinal response to a picture of an anthropomorphized dog before, and I know I’m not sexually attracted to dogs. I understand now that it’s not as black and white as it once felt. I still find some kids good looking aesthetically, but that no longer makes me feel like a monster. I have no sexual desire toward children, and I genuinely feel like if that desire developed, I’d be okay- I would find a way to cope with it. Medication and therapy are not for everyone, but they were instrumental for me in reaching the place I am today. The other major factor, I believe, was learning more about the MAP community and trying to empathize with rather than distance myself from MAPs. In societies all around the world, and even in these forums, MAPs are so often vilified and mischaracterized. I have come to embrace the fact that thoughts and feelings do not equate to behavior, and that what defines someone’s character is their actions, not something internal. “MAP” and “Pedophile” are not synonymous with child abuser. With all of that said, my two recommendations would be: 1. Find a mental health provider who specializes in OCD and is familiar with POCD 2. Give yourself permission to let this be the end of your research for today. It doesn’t have to be your last time ever, but I encourage you to take a break and go do something that brings you fulfillment Please feel free to email me for the long version or for support in general- connor8752@yahoo.com
I want to heal from this and childhood trauma and abuse. I have chosen to never have friends and stay away from my family for months and years at a time and it has left me very lonely and it is affecting my ability to be social and get a job. I also told myself that I would never marry or ever have kids. It's even gotten to the point where it's so overwhelming that I fear I have offended God and I am being further punished and will be punished on top of me punishing myself for having such thoughts by self-harming. I even get frustrated if I see somebody in public wearing tight clothes and I blame it on myself and I keep telling myself it's a me problem. And after doing so I usually self harm I have recently picked up marijuana and alcohol.. it's like my life is falling to pieces and I don't know what to do. I was even avoiding commenting about any of my thoughts. On top of all of this, the fact that none of the psychologists that I've reached out to have responded to me tells me and my mind that I deserve to suffer with this. It's ruining my life and I don't know what to do. I'm here and avoiding my family for the holidays and they are wondering why I'm staying away but I can't tell them what my thoughts are so it's one big circle of hell essentially😭 every morning I wake up it starts immediately. The rumination starts immediately so from the moment I wake up to the moment I close my eyes at night, I'm thinking about this stuff it's like I can't find peace. The thing that makes it worse is because my very small circle or the family I do talk to, doesn't and probably won't understand this they'll just call me weird or Monster and really avoid me and probably hate me and bring up how I was around the kids and everybody for so many years and never express my thoughts. I know they won't understand and on top of that it hurts with me thinking about the fact that I can't explain to them why I don't show up on holidays. This has been an issue with me ever since I was 10 and the sense that I've noticed that I've been having these thoughts about younger individuals ever since I was a child myself. I was so scared to talk about it and never talked about it.. I actually did say that I was scared to sleep in the same room with my little sisters, but my dad suggested and if anything forced me to sleep in their room because we lived in a bad neighborhood and he said if anyone ever broke in I would be the first Target because I slept downstairs while everyone else would have slept upstairs.. so he forced me to sleep in the room with my sisters and it was terrible and I never talked about that and I never healed from that or any of the others issues like the sex abuse I experienced from older cousins and now I'm an adult and the stigma and the thoughts about this is so much worse. It's like having the bad thoughts why you are a child didn't bother me as bad as they did when I reached adulthood. Once I reached adulthood while realizing that I had never talked about my issue made it feel as though my life was over and I have declined even more ever since I turned 18. I want to heal from this it is ruining my life.
Hi, there is lots of hope! I would recommended coming along to one of our webinars to really gain some knowledge for your ocd recovery. Also there’s lots of free content on TH-cam which is really beneficial. You are not alone and with hard work you can get better 💪🏻💪🏻
Great video, thank you for being brave and sharing. I’ve got into a terrible compulsion recently where I deliberately bring on a disgusting thought and replay it over and over, or make it worse, just to reassure myself that I’m not aroused by it and don’t enjoy it. It’s kind of trying to do the opposite of avoidance and expose myself to the thoughts , but it’s actually much worse because it makes me feel so much more shameful. Anyone else have experience with this?
The SUB CONSCIOUS body checking is my # 1 compulsion. Everything else I’ve overcome. I’m really trying to bring awareness into the fact that I’m even checking
I was worrying my partner thought I thought he was a p and then I randomly blurted it out one day and then blurted out that he was a p word (felt like tourettes) and he says he knows I didn’t mean it but I don’t think my ocd is gonna let it go that he now thinks I think he is one (even tho he said he knows I didn’t mean it)
Hiya. So I'm wondering how people differentiate between being an actual P to have Pocd... I have a family member who has this and we are very close and they tell me about it.. but it's hard for me to understand and I'm currently studying it.. so is it a fear of being one rather than actually enjoying and desiring children sexually? Thanks for this video. Your lovely. X
Hi, I'm not a professional so my answer doesn't count for that (I do have OCD and I know some things about several themes) but to shortly answer yes having POCD is the fear of being one, and feeling terrified, guilty, scared and shameful of your thoughts and what they might mean (not pleasure or gratification). It goes against your values and what you want, but the fact that you have thoughts makes you fear what it means
@joana.a4981 that's only the half truth , Ocd stands for "Obssessive Compulsion Disorder". Someone who has ocd are entangle in a thought process where their mind is stuck on something and a compulsion is responding to that thought or idea with some kind of forced action or response being mental or physical. Many things are established in the mindset of human beings trying to think that or this. And we all have to accept thinking as a normal process like breathing , it happens naturally. Nothing more to it. If I ask you not think about some random topic I ask you , of course you will think of the topic. It's impossible to stop thinking. Plus your body's brain and body are connected in more ways than one. Where sometimes you can be excited by thoughts , feel nervous , get some adrenaline, or even a groinal response. Which are all natual bodily functions. Attraction is no different from it, with it being something that grabs your eye and does not always mean it's sexual but some kind of interest or admiration for it. And actual sexual attraction is from your genuine thoughts or I like to call them your response thoughts. Thoughts can also take on the shape of falsehoods where it's something that offers you to think a certain way. Your mind might say, "why does that person look good." or something random. The way to deal with any Ocd is to sit with the thoughts and try not to get a reassurance from it (aka a compulsion ) . And if you don't do that , then that's fine. You just move on from it and let your body feel what ever you feel.
@@arval4202I just can't accept them, Everytime I have those thoughts I have to verificate if I'm not aroused of what I'm thinking or watching images of children to prove myself that I'm not attracted to them... What if I try to "accept my thoughts" but then i start to like them?
Great video! I can relate to everything you say & i felt exactly the same way. It´s like you are talking about my experiences with pocd. But like you said, there realy is hope! Since Rob, since the WhatsApp group, since this channel i am feeling so so so much better. It´s a long and tough rought, but it´s worth every effort!
How did you know its ocd. This theme is really fucking me up big time. It is so extreme and against my values but it feels so real. When i look logically at it it is prob ocd but it feels so real
You got this don't let your brain win over your heart and what you value. Try to sit with discomfort and don't giving in to compulsions
At this point I don't know if it's POCD or not, even when all people that I was attracted were woman on my age or adults, never a children
It has been 3 years since the height of my POCD, and I’m in a better place now than I’ve ever been in my life. Sharing my story here in case it’s helpful to anyone-
I am a 27 year old cis male who identifies as gay or queer, having always been attracted to men and more masculine-appearing nonbinary people. My POCD has followed suit, with the focus being boys, and I have no history of being sexually abused.
I don’t know when my POCD began. I’ve had it as long as I can remember, which used to scare me because people in these forums can usually point to a specific incident or time when it started. I’ve also dealt with many other forms of OCD and related issues since childhood, such as the need for things to feel “just right”, intrusive thoughts, perfectionism, and more.
Back then, and to this day, I find myself aesthetically drawn to certain people. I have always had a sense of what is nice looking to me, in any gender and any age, but especially men/boys. This really messed with my head as I got older, because I would mistakenly believe that appreciation meant sexual attraction.
It got really bad in late 2019 and early 2020. I was spending hours upon hours each day researching, ruminating, testing myself, even coming up with hypothetical scenarios to see how my body and mind would react.
One interesting aspect of my POCD is that I was never worried about doing something harmful. I knew for a fact I would never have sexual contact with a child, and even if I suddenly developed the desire to, I knew my values were strong enough to deter me.
Rather, the anxiety behind my POCD centered on having an attraction to minors in the first place- what it said about me as a person, the rejection it might bring, the implications for my life, etc.
Whenever I considered seeing an OCD specialist, I would think “Aren’t they biased? Aren’t they going to assume I have POCD even if I don’t?” What I believe now is that everyone is biased, OCD specialist or not, but mental health providers who aren’t trained in OCD are extremely biased to believe someone is a MAP when they aren’t.
In July of 2021, I started an anti-anxiety medication (escitalopram) for the first time in my life. It was absolutely life changing for my social anxiety and helped a decent amount with my OCD as well. About 6 months later in January 2022, I started seeing a therapist who specializes in OCD.
Two years later, I still don’t have a definitive answer as to whether I’m attracted to minors or not, and that no longer bothers me. I accept the fact that it could be true, and go about my life as usual.
I still have groinal responses sometimes, but they no longer mean anything to me. For example, I’ve had a groinal response to a picture of an anthropomorphized dog before, and I know I’m not sexually attracted to dogs. I understand now that it’s not as black and white as it once felt.
I still find some kids good looking aesthetically, but that no longer makes me feel like a monster. I have no sexual desire toward children, and I genuinely feel like if that desire developed, I’d be okay- I would find a way to cope with it.
Medication and therapy are not for everyone, but they were instrumental for me in reaching the place I am today. The other major factor, I believe, was learning more about the MAP community and trying to empathize with rather than distance myself from MAPs.
In societies all around the world, and even in these forums, MAPs are so often vilified and mischaracterized. I have come to embrace the fact that thoughts and feelings do not equate to behavior, and that what defines someone’s character is their actions, not something internal. “MAP” and “Pedophile” are not synonymous with child abuser.
With all of that said, my two recommendations would be:
1. Find a mental health provider who specializes in OCD and is familiar with POCD
2. Give yourself permission to let this be the end of your research for today. It doesn’t have to be your last time ever, but I encourage you to take a break and go do something that brings you fulfillment
Please feel free to email me for the long version or for support in general- connor8752@yahoo.com
So great description of compulsions while struggling from POCD! Thank you!
You’re welcome!
I want to heal from this and childhood trauma and abuse. I have chosen to never have friends and stay away from my family for months and years at a time and it has left me very lonely and it is affecting my ability to be social and get a job. I also told myself that I would never marry or ever have kids. It's even gotten to the point where it's so overwhelming that I fear I have offended God and I am being further punished and will be punished on top of me punishing myself for having such thoughts by self-harming. I even get frustrated if I see somebody in public wearing tight clothes and I blame it on myself and I keep telling myself it's a me problem. And after doing so I usually self harm I have recently picked up marijuana and alcohol.. it's like my life is falling to pieces and I don't know what to do. I was even avoiding commenting about any of my thoughts. On top of all of this, the fact that none of the psychologists that I've reached out to have responded to me tells me and my mind that I deserve to suffer with this. It's ruining my life and I don't know what to do. I'm here and avoiding my family for the holidays and they are wondering why I'm staying away but I can't tell them what my thoughts are so it's one big circle of hell essentially😭 every morning I wake up it starts immediately. The rumination starts immediately so from the moment I wake up to the moment I close my eyes at night, I'm thinking about this stuff it's like I can't find peace. The thing that makes it worse is because my very small circle or the family I do talk to, doesn't and probably won't understand this they'll just call me weird or Monster and really avoid me and probably hate me and bring up how I was around the kids and everybody for so many years and never express my thoughts. I know they won't understand and on top of that it hurts with me thinking about the fact that I can't explain to them why I don't show up on holidays. This has been an issue with me ever since I was 10 and the sense that I've noticed that I've been having these thoughts about younger individuals ever since I was a child myself. I was so scared to talk about it and never talked about it.. I actually did say that I was scared to sleep in the same room with my little sisters, but my dad suggested and if anything forced me to sleep in their room because we lived in a bad neighborhood and he said if anyone ever broke in I would be the first Target because I slept downstairs while everyone else would have slept upstairs.. so he forced me to sleep in the room with my sisters and it was terrible and I never talked about that and I never healed from that or any of the others issues like the sex abuse I experienced from older cousins and now I'm an adult and the stigma and the thoughts about this is so much worse. It's like having the bad thoughts why you are a child didn't bother me as bad as they did when I reached adulthood. Once I reached adulthood while realizing that I had never talked about my issue made it feel as though my life was over and I have declined even more ever since I turned 18. I want to heal from this it is ruining my life.
Hi, there is lots of hope! I would recommended coming along to one of our webinars to really gain some knowledge for your ocd recovery. Also there’s lots of free content on TH-cam which is really beneficial. You are not alone and with hard work you can get better 💪🏻💪🏻
@@samwilliams837 thank you so much. your response means so much thank you🙏
Great video, thank you for being brave and sharing. I’ve got into a terrible compulsion recently where I deliberately bring on a disgusting thought and replay it over and over, or make it worse, just to reassure myself that I’m not aroused by it and don’t enjoy it. It’s kind of trying to do the opposite of avoidance and expose myself to the thoughts , but it’s actually much worse because it makes me feel so much more shameful. Anyone else have experience with this?
This is me and it's exhausting and depressing
There is hope, you’ve got this! 💪🏻
Same
Im so scared of how this all makes me feel. I wish I was free from this horrible stuff.
You can get better! 💪🏻
The SUB CONSCIOUS body checking is my # 1 compulsion. Everything else I’ve overcome. I’m really trying to bring awareness into the fact that I’m even checking
Terrific video Sam! Much appreciated.
Thanks Nick!
Brave of you. You’re wonderful. ❤
I was worrying my partner thought I thought he was a p and then I randomly blurted it out one day and then blurted out that he was a p word (felt like tourettes) and he says he knows I didn’t mean it but I don’t think my ocd is gonna let it go that he now thinks I think he is one (even tho he said he knows I didn’t mean it)
This is me to a T thanks for this, great to know I’m not alone 👍
Amazing video bro
Thank you!
What is this guys channel information? Would love to watch more or his videos
He does regularly videos on this channel.
Hiya. So I'm wondering how people differentiate between being an actual P to have Pocd... I have a family member who has this and we are very close and they tell me about it.. but it's hard for me to understand and I'm currently studying it.. so is it a fear of being one rather than actually enjoying and desiring children sexually? Thanks for this video. Your lovely. X
Hi, I'm not a professional so my answer doesn't count for that (I do have OCD and I know some things about several themes) but to shortly answer yes having POCD is the fear of being one, and feeling terrified, guilty, scared and shameful of your thoughts and what they might mean (not pleasure or gratification). It goes against your values and what you want, but the fact that you have thoughts makes you fear what it means
@joana.a4981 that's only the half truth , Ocd stands for "Obssessive Compulsion Disorder". Someone who has ocd are entangle in a thought process where their mind is stuck on something and a compulsion is responding to that thought or idea with some kind of forced action or response being mental or physical. Many things are established in the mindset of human beings trying to think that or this. And we all have to accept thinking as a normal process like breathing , it happens naturally. Nothing more to it. If I ask you not think about some random topic I ask you , of course you will think of the topic. It's impossible to stop thinking. Plus your body's brain and body are connected in more ways than one. Where sometimes you can be excited by thoughts , feel nervous , get some adrenaline, or even a groinal response. Which are all natual bodily functions. Attraction is no different from it, with it being something that grabs your eye and does not always mean it's sexual but some kind of interest or admiration for it. And actual sexual attraction is from your genuine thoughts or I like to call them your response thoughts. Thoughts can also take on the shape of falsehoods where it's something that offers you to think a certain way. Your mind might say, "why does that person look good." or something random. The way to deal with any Ocd is to sit with the thoughts and try not to get a reassurance from it (aka a compulsion ) . And if you don't do that , then that's fine. You just move on from it and let your body feel what ever you feel.
@@arval4202 I totally agree. Thank you for the additional information
@@arval4202I just can't accept them, Everytime I have those thoughts I have to verificate if I'm not aroused of what I'm thinking or watching images of children to prove myself that I'm not attracted to them... What if I try to "accept my thoughts" but then i start to like them?
Great video! I can relate to everything you say & i felt exactly the same way. It´s like you are talking about my experiences with pocd. But like you said, there realy is hope! Since Rob, since the WhatsApp group, since this channel i am feeling so so so much better. It´s a long and tough rought, but it´s worth every effort!
💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻
I do literally all these things it's kinda spooky how similar/down right the same these are
i thought i was literally the scum of the earth for having pocd. what a wild thing it is every time you learn the truth about your mental struggles