Hello, did you get back together? What made you feel you want to get her back and how long did it take for you to realize you want her back? Hope you can share a little about your story. :) thank you!
I do not have anything against a message testing the waters. Just be prepared for an absolute raging backfire and having to go back into no contact. And only do it if you really have corrected the conditions that brought you to the breakup and are really willing to commit to a new path. Remember that you broke them once. They probably suffered and hated you for it. So opening their wound again with a wobly proposal will be worse than letting them be. Otherwise count your blessings and love them from afar. As sorry as you may feel, you do not have the right to mess them up again. Stay strong and be well.
Im actually incredibly proud for how I communicated and apologized for my actions when we broke up, it was before I saw this video but I communicated my anxious tendencies very well, and yes I do love her because she was nothing like me and I found it beautiful
@hc364...that was an awesome admission. Are you two back together? You said " I do love her because she was nothing like me and I found it beautiful". Only a woman NOT in her right mind would not respond to that passionate truth. Update, if you will. Thanks, and you described exactly why we are celebrating our silver anniversary soon. 😀
@@darrellborland119agreed 😩 I’m a woman and I’m swooning lol. It’s actually exactly how I feel about the man that just dumped me. Only dated a few months but I really liked him and pretty bummed. I was very anxious too and can be argumentative and don’t know when to stop talking sometimes 🤦🏽♀️ (I’m a fearful-avoidant 😬).
Very amazing channel, Ken. As a health care professional myself, married happily 25 years, my heart goes out to those men and women who struggle to find long-term happiness as loving couples. Many narratives we hear do not of course include the many addictive components that cause hidden damage. Those vices may only come to light as we mature on life's circuitous journey, IMHO. Thank you, and these narrative's serve as a reminder that life is transitory, and we need to grow and adapt with it, to maintain those deep connections of matrimony. Subscribed.
This was liberating. She cried after reading my letter. I gracefully bowed out. And I feel like I healed a lot after that letter. No more fixation, no more anxiety. It's time to move on and actually change for the better and let life unfold. Thank you.
@@CoachKen I was the one that cause the breakup, I would react in yelling during heat of the moment times when there was disagreements, in not properly controlling and sustaining my emotions. Somehow I became so overwhelmed with life that her happiness with me dwindle, resulting in her feeling unheard and alone. We been broken up for a week now after a 6 year relationship, with a daughter together, and a new home we purchased in March. I'm so broken because I allowed discourse by reasons of misunderstanding to ruin my future with her. Sure I gave her security, but this wasn't enough to validate the emptiness she felt. She slowly started to withdraw and isolate in the guest bedroom and now I'm here in the comments section reaching for help! She has made her mind she doesn't want to be in a relationship, she love me but nolonger in love with me, and I had chances... Is this a point of no return?
This is all too great. Thank you. In my case, I'm blocked. Already sent her that thought-out apology, communicating and empathizing those feelings of hers, and me committing to professional help to be a better version of myself. It's been 3 months of break up, 2 months without running into eachother, and 5 weeks without contact. This hurts still, albeit I'm getting better. I still feel we are meant for one another, believe it or not. Crazy chemistry and connection. For reals. Any help would be nice.
Good for u I broke up with my ex due to her behaviour I reached out after about 5 months , not wanting to get back but checking she is ok and is trying to grow She is in therapy like u so there is a chance she can heal in time I will keep an eye on her and see where she ends up Hope this gives u some hope 🙏💓
@@bigtreecombatacademy2927 hey, and thanx. It sucks to be blocked from her world, almost as if she is trying to erase me from her life, as if I never existed or was anything good to her. She claimed to love me like nobody else. Sucks...This does give me hope. And if I may, you said you left your ex cuz her behavior. Was she not willing to change it? If so, would that have made a difference in remaining with her? Lastly, why keep checking on her if you want nothing with her?
@@gabrielsepulveda8294 I blocked and threw out any gifts she gave me like ur ex I loved her like I loved no other like ur ex I tried to address the behaviour many many times and she didn’t take it seriously or more likely couldn’t do what was needed I reached out from compassion and sexual interest, I may attempt a more casual relationship with her if she seems more healed Definitely didn’t say I want nothing from her but I don’t want a rerun of a bad relationship She was awesome but sucked at relationships
@@bigtreecombatacademy2927 I see. A rerun of unhealthiness wouldn't be good. I'm down for a new and improved restart. Again, I'm healing and learning what I must. Hope she can feel it. No way I can tell her. Ball's in her court too. Also, I never understood exactly what she needed from me, in terms of change. It finally clicked at the last straw. But I sincerely got it at that point. She helped me understand it like no other time before that. Just wish she wasn't over it by then. I'm doing my best now. I believe and surrender.
To everyone watching Coach Ken or Coach Lee I just wanted to share my experience and I dont want to discourage anyone but heres my experience. I have followed both coaches lessons to the T and yes its been hard, its been 6 months for me now and i may have noticed the slightest little clues that it was working, but nothing I can say 100% for sure maybe it was coincidence, both these coaches say that its not 100% and that it doesnt work on everyone. In my case it didnt, I still have nightmares and wake up in panics and sweats, I have tried to do my hobbies but end up saying hell with this my heart just isnt in it, it still bothers me everyday its like a recurring nightmare, if this makes me weak by admitting this then so be it i am being sincere and honest, I have lost just about everything over this and i mean that in a literal sense, does that mean that what these Coaches have said isnt true? No it doesnt so for all of you that are holding on to hope if thats what motivates you then keep going, nothing is guaranteed in life, but all those who get on here and say a ex is a ex for a reason, they dont know your feelings, they dont know your situation, every situation has its differences, try not to listen to their negativity, dont spend your time worrying about its been x number of days and i havent heard anything i done that and it didnt help me in fact it hurt me, time doesnt mean anything, both coaches have said they have seen people reunite after years, i will say and this is just being honest i had built up all this time in no contact half a year, i sent that text that Ken talks about because to be fair i had been selfish only seeing things my way so at least she knows my eyes were opened to see things her way, and we had a good relationship there was no cheating or arguing, my ex is unique she bragged from day 1 if anything ever happens she would be the best ex ever because i would never hear from her again, well i cant call her a liar on that one, or she would always say if anything ever happens and she end things that was it she wouldnt be back, well she got me there too!! So why was she bringing this up? Out of the blue? Maybe to scare me to be a good little soldier? Idk I have learned from my career in emergency services that i have put my life on the line in situations the average person would say screw this and run just to save a total stranger that i didnt know, yet the ones we love and care about wouldnt cross the street to save my life, i hate giving up hate it!! Theres akways a way to succeed but at this point i am throwing in the towel, if she wants the break up this bad then so be it, i can walk away knowing i didnt give up on her, i didnt lose her she lost me and good luck to her replacing me, sure she can find someone else but i can guarantee he wont replace me, he wont fill my shoes and be willing to go above and beyond for her, and i know its going to be hell for awhile, but i have learned what people call hell i call home for half a year now!! Coach Ken Coach Lee thank you for all you did, for all you taught me, i am truly appreciative!!
@prettybird7597 apparently she meant it, but then again I was told that she wouldn't reach out right now because it would damage her precious image which means so much to her, I have reached the point where I can take it or leave it she won't just walk back in I can promise that much!!
When they have this much control over our emotions is a sign of something else in our lives that is wrong. Both my ex-wives wanted divorce and both came back after about 1 year plus. HOWEVER, because I was in therapy, I realized they were both disasters and blocked them everywhere. It still hurts but I would never take her back. I even moved 4 hours away. Best thing I ever did. Stay strong.ose weight. Go to gym regularly. Talk to every women you can...even fat and dumpy. It builds confidence. Graduate to better tier women. Easy peazy! When women know you will walk on them, they begin to follow! It takes time. Almost 3 years in sept. You can do it. I am much happier and now have way less problems in my life since she is gone ( last wife especially)!. Total disaster. Her whole life is CAOS. I am FREEEEEEEEE
Tried to articulate and empathize but she responded and said she doesn’t want to talk about the past because it won’t make things better even if she understands but she’s glad I have those insights. I’m worried I wasn’t able to fully articulate and give context now
@@russ123321bunya still NC. Ran into him by accident last week. He acted as though we were still an item. Said he would call me. Never heard from him again. My pain is still very intense.
@@thomasthetankengin7722 we speak still. Situation is still horrible. I need to block him. That’s the fact of the matter. It’s so hard to give up. I know I am not important. He has been given an ultimatum and in 2 days I need to follow through.
Yes Coach Ken!! This is the content we need. Not many people cover this subject. I actually initiated the breakup in frustration because my ex wouldn’t compromise on issues. It became obviously it had to be mostly on her terms. I got upset and ended it, but I realized she was more important to me and I was willing to make sacrifices with my career to make it work. So a few days later I came back to apologize and had a plan in place for us to go to couples counseling, and also how to create an atmosphere where we could both share openly and get to the root of our problems. She didn’t agree to couples therapy since we had our own therapists, which I thought was a bad sign. I thought we needed the same message through the same therapist. What followed was another 10 months of trying to win her over. Gifts, flowers, and multiple hand written letters expressing my regret and sincerity in wanting to work it out. She just wouldn’t open herself up. Even though we were talking about marriage two months prior to the split. She stopped talking to me in October and then reached out in June about why she went silent. We had a few chats since then out the breakup, and there was definitely some chemistry there when we weren’t talking about it and just catching up. We finally stopped communication about 12 days ago after really clearing the air once and for all. She admitted she still looks at my social media and cries about us, even though it’s been a year. I told her she needs to sit with her feelings and make sure she doesn’t still want this. She told me she would reach out if she found love is still there, but I don’t expect to hear from her again. Excited to hear what you have to say to see where I went wrong (the begging aside - I did way too much)
Did she agree to go to couples counseling? I don’t know your exact situation, but if she didn’t want to go to counseling, I suggest moving on. If she went to counseling but just asked for a break & a few weeks, then I’d say there’s hope. However, you should probably focus on yourself either way. God bless ❤
@@scarletsletter4466 thank you! She didn’t agree to couples therapy since we each have our own therapists. I didn’t think that made sense and instead we needed the same message from the same therapist. That was last September. We didn’t talk from October-June. Talked for a few weeks to clear the air, and then I went no contact 12 days ago or so. I’m trying to push forward. The breakup was my fault. I shouldn’t have let myself get so frustrated. She knows the depth of my regret, just isn’t enough for her to forgive right now
@@matthewwukovich4385yeah, couples therapy is different from individual therapy. Although I understand how it could be hard to go to both of them & still work & maintain other responsibilities. Maybe she has more psych issues than you realize & not feel ready for couples therapy? Either way, you’re still very early in the process, so hang in there. I’d stay in no contact for a while. I’m a somewhat avoidant woman myself, & it takes like 3-4 weeks (at least) for the breakup to sink in
@@scarletsletter4466 that’s good advice, thank you! I’m just anxious because we technically broke up one year ago. Then didn’t talk for 7 months. She reached back out finally so we could clear the air and not have bad feelings and we had some serious hours long conversations for a few weeks. Now back in no contact… so I fear the separation is permanent. I wonder if the silence on my end will have an effect. But I also have never gone fully no contact. When she stopped talking to me in October, I would mail her a card or letter every few weeks just so she knew I was thinking of her. This is the first time I’m actually going silent. I guess we’ll see. I really appreciate your insight from a woman’s perspective
You were a Simp, you treated her as a prize, while you should be a prize. And please, don't listed to good advise from woman. They say one thing, but normally do exactly the opposite.
I am the conqueror type big time I’m a competitive martial artist and am extremely risk oriented, I ride motorbikes and have unfortunately had many brushes with the law I attracted a bpd ex who I had to walk away from Felt so terrible about it and still do
@@IronKurdi Yeah, after explaining my flaws that I took her love for granted, after acknowledging my flaws, I requested that she give me one opportunity, and from then till now, I've been with her as a friend rather than a relationship, and she knows that I've improved significantly. I hope everything goes well because she is the one.
It's so damn hard to let go & remain no contact without clinging to hope. 😢 He told me to "cease communication" while drunk & misinterpreted my text. I suppose it's over, I don't know how to move on. Perhaps, some men are too cowardly to come back & apologize?
"This was my exes response after I sent a clean slate around 3Mos post breakup. What am I to think? She's been in a rebound / monkey branch 2 weeks after breakup. "I wish you well my friend I do care about you deeply you're my best friend. But I'm ready to enjoy life and not constantly worry about whether I'm not I'm being treated right, whether or not I have to worry about another factor in a relationship"
FYI - she's referring to my son's mother who won't respect boundaries and was always trying to get emotional support from me. Sometimes I gave it and other I would ask her to respect my relationship with my ex.
She's told me a few times that I'm the only one who seen her for her. I'm her best friend. She trusted me as a friend. I think the attraction died. We were together 5 years.
It hurts because it has been eight months now and she just seems to be done. I got just one private call this whole year just a few days before my birthday and I always wonder if that was her. I'll probably never know. There was no voicemail or anything. She always said she didn't like to leave voicemails. I got upset when I felt neglected several times throughout the relationship. It just wasn't in her nature to appreciate me or show that she valued me. She didn't think quality time together was necessary. It was just empty and it was my desire for connection that drove the wedge between us. She grew up in Moldova and I think she is just used to that isolated mentality she doesn't see the fact that a partnership requires it to some extent. She felt critiqued and ended it when I kept bringing these things up. She didn't like confrontation and just thought it was best to end it. She said like I told you that it was only special "in my head." She really hurt me with those words. It just feels like I was something she thought she wanted but then when it came to like you said the differences causing issues she ran or wanted to run. It is really breaking my heart but I think she was in the wrong too. It wasn't just me. I tried and love is not just passive it's something you have to try for and I believe she did not nearly as much as I did and ultimately you and everyone else needs a partner that is willing to TRY above all else.
I sure hope you were right on this one!! I had been in no contact been a champ in it but realized I never addressed her feelings so I hesitantly broke no contact to address her feelings and how she must have felt I hope I just didn't blow all the no contact work I had built up!! BTW I got no response
@ryanchaney94 it's been 6 months and I thought everything was good in the relationship, we never argued everything was fine, on my birthday she bought me a expensive gift, I thought all was well, I was asked to help some people in a emergency situation so I did, later that night she broke up with me by text on my birthday!!
@@ncfire51similar story to me man. Somehow I let her feel unappreciated, I just thought these were implicit through my actions, but I wasn't communicating this verbally. I've learnt and I'm a much better man for understanding this.
I caused the breakup but she asked me for space, i feel she will villainize me during the space. I love her with all my heart. Like you say Coach Ken, i want her to understand i finally get it now, i want her to know i understand her pain. I kept telling her i was going to change.
Deep breath - Give it more time and know when she comes back you can tell her everything you want to tell her from a perspective that won't feel like desperation.
The example with the businessman building the future for us and me feeling neglected was on spot. Totally my case. Ended up breaking up with me because he was feeling that I wasn't showing much gratitude.. but I did my best to support him with all the means I could.
@Gulya1012 it turned out that he accused me of not being a supporting partner out of his guilt. He highlighted all my flaws and insecurities, and he redifined me as I was a bad person because there was a third person involved. That was the reason why he didn't even want to try to save the relationship. Moral of story? 2 months after the break up and while he is being in his rebound relationship, he is still contacting me out of rage and guilt. He was trying to convince me that I was a bad partner and that it was my fault. I blocked him for my sanity, and I am feeling better day by day. I don't fall for his bait anymore.
I definitely caused my breakup after almost 4 years. She started dating someone about a month later, maybe a rebound, not sure, but they’ve been seeing each other for about 4 months, 3 of which have been long distance. This all happened in February, June 5 thru now, July 17, is the longest I’ve gone without reaching out. I miss her everyday, but she obviously doesn’t want me. No way she was healed before dating this guy so we’ll see what happens.
It’s good to know that the opposite do attract. Because I’m an introvert and my ex is an extrovert but I messed up. But I’m currently going through no contact trying heal myself 😢😢😢
Wow. You just explained me and my ex. He is the business owner. But he dumped me. He was extremely bad at making time for us. If we had plans he had no problem saying yes to overyone else, even strangers and cancel with me. He could never say no to anyone no matter what it was about, just me. It drove me crazy and I became more and more moody and sad. Complaning and causing drama as he would call it. In the end he dumped me and I knew it was because of the way I was acting. Made him feel that he could never be good enough because I kept complaining. He said we were to different and that he wants to be with someone who is more like him. Ive been in no contact for 23 days and its more than 6 weeks since the breakup. Do you really think that I should contact him? I really dont wanna ruin my chances of getting him back by reacing out! I Have said that I was sorry for being moody, but not in the way you explained here.
@susy-cp1fr I went through something very very similar except I broke up with my workaholic man. And I complained and bitched until I made myself sick. I broke up with him many times but the longest we went without contact was 31 days. He reached out to me even though I ended the relationship. There is an immense amount of love between us. However he won't get back into a relationship with me. I don't blame him. But I also don't want to get back with him unless he makes time for me stops neglecting me etc. So we've seen each other a few times and it's been amazing every time we see each other. And last time he saw me he told me he loved me but I didn't hear him and I didn't say it back. Long story short I got extremely pissed at him again and told him I'm moving on. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship. Whatever you do, never reach out to a man that blows you off, or doesn't want a relationship. It doesn't matter who dumps who. The man needs to be man enough to come after what he wants. If he doesn't come back in your life then that means he doesn't want you. I would have a timeline if I were you. Mine was 3 months. I was willing to wait 3 months and work on myself. After 3 months I was going to slam the door shut and seal it and never look back. But it only took 31 days. And now I'm removing myself from his life totally until he figures out what he wants. I'm going to start dating again. I have my first date lined up this Friday. I don't believe it's healthy to wait for many months for a man. They will take advantage of you. It's their nature. And I have a new timeline set for 2 months now. I'm willing to date around and wait 2 months and if he doesn't give me a real relationship and fix everything then it's over permanently. 🎉😂😢😅
Good example. Close to what I experienced. Me, a defender, breaking up with someone because they have so much money and had decided they could never get married again. So I became a threat. They believe pre-nuptials don’t work… or so they said. 😢
Coach Ken, I hope you'll make a video about how different personalities handle breakups and reconciliation. Like, in my case, I'm an ENFP and my ex-bf is an INFJ. I mostly caused the breakup -- we were together for more than 3 years and had been a little too needy in the latter part of our relationship. But, I surely hurt him a lot since I was expecting too much from him when we were together. He is a very good man, but since I am also more of an Orchestrator most of the time, I used to feel disappointed whenever he couldn't understand my heart, and even told him about it, thus hurting his feelings a lot of times. He would not really speak up a lot whenever we had conflicts because he gets frustrated whenever we had conflict. He just wants peace and not to keep the conflict going, and I get disappointed since he would not say anything. But, I also could not communicate my heart well, and instead just expected him to read my mind. He got burnt out and eventually felt numb saying he lost the feelings and desire to continue fighting for the relationship. I actually watched your video on why good men leave the relationship part 2, or about the introverted guy. And, our situation was mostly like that. I apologized to him sincerely after the breakup, and thankfully he was and is still very receptive to me whenever I contact him. It's just that he apologizes for still not wanting to get back together. We've been broken up for a little over 7 weeks already, and the longest no contact that I did was 8 days.. for 7 weeks, from the 2nd-5th week, I was mostly initiating the contact although he was very responsive to me, even until now, and still makes me feel that he cares for me a lot. He started initiating the contacts and reaching out to me last week and this week, but I am scared that I might mess it up. I am still very warm and caring whenever we talk but I limit my responses since I'm scared to appear chasing him. I would usually gracefully end the conversation since I'm scared I might make him feel rushed or pressured if the conversation keeps going. Coz, we just can't seem to stop talking every time we chat, so I had to end the conversation most of the time. By the way, I truly and earnestly apologized to him for my faults, and so he did. He told me he had faults too in the breakup, and we both have forgiven each other, although he apologized that he still doesn't want to get back together. He told me though that we could talk more about the breakup and the relationship issues once I'm done with my major exam this September. I also told him that in the meantime, maybe we could stop talking about the breakup and keep our conversations light, to which he agreed. But to be honest, I'm just really scared that I might mess it up, especially since he hinted or indirectly said he would stay the same (support me and treat me lovingly as a partner). But I wasn't able to respond to that well since I was caught off guard and got scared to appear chasing again. I said, I'll strive to make myself better and be more understanding too so that I can treat my loved ones and other people much better next time. And I think he got upset since I did not respond to his indirect message, or about 'him' being my 'partner'. I did hint back on getting back together since I was too scared to appear chasing again. What makes me hang on to hope now is just the fact that at least we had agreed to talk about the breakup and the relationship after my major exam. Did I do the right thing in not acknowledging his indirect hint? T_T I also don't know if the no-contact will work since he kinda reaches out to me once or twice each week and I do respond. T_T
What if they don’t apologize for the specific hurtful things they said at the break up?- they just offered a generic “I’m sorry” and moved onto another person
Coach Ken is there a chance if I caused the breakup because I was being toxic, but not outright terrible like cheating or anything? I sent her that apology without the request for getting back together but I just feel like she’s in the numb state so I don’t think she’ll ever come back. She she’s realized a lot and it seems like I’ve realized a lot but I didn’t keep chasing after that I just left it.
My business oriented/competition driven/ stellar accomplishments ex broke up with me, even if I tried to give him all the understanding, cheering and patience he wanted
Coach ken please if you read this give me your opinion, so i did breakup with my girlfriend and i was reconsidering and she was trying to make me jealous so i reached out since i want her back anyway and no need for this toxic stuff to happen, she replied in rage and a hateful text saying we have nothing anymore, i apologized and mentioned that im trying to fight for the relationship she ghosted and didnt even reply and kept doing what she was doing, now thinking she was not real with me i chose to move on and start dating and now she stalks my current gf, this somehow keeps me thinking maybe she wants me but doesn't know what to do and then i think its done but this hope keeps her living in my head idk what to do
Thanks Coach. I recognize that my disinvestment and lack of affection to her caused her to leave me. I know I need to reach out with the apology letter. It's been 6 weeks of NC. She sent me a package of sentimental items at week 2 with a note saying she'll always love me and remember our best. I'll send the apology at week 8.
Ok. can someone answer this one. After he tried to deny me my freedom (emotional abuse) for the sake of his counselling to work.. 2 weeks later, he speaks to his counsellor. After all that he says, "I dont think its going to work out". I pack up my things the next day and say there is nothing left to fight for. (Give him a list of requirements should that situation change. Left an email with his counsellor about what has really been happening) I feel like I am wanting to go back but I remember the very strong emotions like anxiety and frustration and loneliness when he shut me out. What now..? It looked like it hurt but there is no response. Mind you, when he tried to trap me, he promised a small amount of change and it got worse.
You have to hold firm to your reasonable minimal boundaries - if you compromise on those it causes a dip in attraction and loss of self respect and that fuels and very unhealthy dynamic in multiple ways. Reasonable minimal boundaries
@@CoachKen Thanks, Coach Ken. I've been watching tons of your videos this week. Your insight into how different personalities go through scenarios like this has helped me see the courage I was lacking to hold on to some hope. I appreciate you. 🙏
They told me a few times like around 3-5 times over the summer and fall that they wanted me to travel to them more often. The problem is that we are teens and I don’t really have that money. Would that count as me breaking the relationship or not? They also communicated once that they felt like we were drifting apart. I don’t remember what I answered but Ik we never had a conversation about that after it. I’m really unsure if it’s just feeling’s that are talking or actual consciousness
I’d like to hear what he has to say about this. I doubt it changes the approach to no contact. Tbh I think it’s a healthy way to respond to a breakup to tell the partner to leave us alone so we can move forward. I’m my experience, I’ve always told an ex to leave me alone, & they still reach out in a few months. But if you want them to reach out in a few weeks, you’d prob have to ping them first on some very casual, safe topic like a restaurant recommendation or a question in his area of expertise (but within reason, like if he’s a doctor or attorney don’t ask for lengthy medical or legal advice) 😂
@@bigtreecombatacademy2927 we're you the dumper or dumpee? He's dating again & also a functioning alcoholic (I know I'm better off but still difficult) I'm healing slowly and concentrating on myself. Some days are so hard, listening to coaches advise has been a huge help and gets me through the dark moments. 🙏🏻
He has ADHD and I didn't know or understand much about it.We were just 4 months in the relationship and I told him I can't do this and he said me too.He told me he likes me so much but he is scared that i might do to him what his ex girlfriend (narcissist )did to him.
me and my ex of 2 years are currently in a no contact because my mistakes of not listening and to what she needed changed and not helping her and now she is mentally broken and says she needs to find herself i told her i would send flowers every time they die and she says she likes them but i dont want to end up pushing her away by sending them but i also dont want to let her down by not what should i do?
I would say I caused the break up but she initiated it. Its been 1 month and a week. I implemented no contact and the longest its been in place was 7 days. She ends up reaching out everytime then proceeds to tell me we shouldnt talk, so i go back into no contact. Now shes reached out every two days and also had me come over saturday and we had sex. Shes once again saying she shouldnt feel the way that shes feeling so shes not going to talk to me for awhile. I wake up today from a text from her talking about how great the sex was.
Lol this is easy to get her back if you play your cards right. Just act like you are already back together. Don't say anything, just take actions as if you were dating her and take her to do fun and romantic activities.
@@lke4907 thats the thing, she wont agree to a meet up face to face. She asked me to go on a trip in a few months, and i responded to it by saying im open to it but i wanna take it a day at a time. Shes been getting jealous because im doing more fun things in my life, and says that she wishes we did more when we were together but tells me shes fine and doesnt want to do any of those things with me now. Her exact words were “im mad because youre doing all this fun shit and when we were together we never did fucking shit! Not that we arent doing them now but because we never did” that hurt pretty bad not going to lie. And its also not true we did a bunch of things just maybe not as much as we both would have liked.
Do you have a video about if you broke up with someone but for good reasons? I broke up with my ex because of communication issues and because she was a fearful avoidant and had become cold. I saw not other reason that to break it off. I told her that if she wants to give it another shot at some point, but within my bounderies, she is wellcome to each out. I am unsure if the normal rules of No Contact applies.
What if he thought I was cheating and I tested his trust toward me but he was totally wrong 😅 I never cheated. Then he broke up with me..We did have a mature conversation at the end kind of agreeing to breaking up but he was the one who said it and said things such as he wants the best for me, that I could find one better etc. I’m in no contact now and it’s been 5 days..
What if you never felt valued or appreciated and they always threatened that they are leaving you. Then you get so fed up and say leave I’m done you having to set a boundary! and they leave and never take accountability for their actions to make you say leave?
That isn't you causing the breakup AT ALL - that's you mentally and emotionally getting worn down until you break and confront the threat they used to manipulate you with for so long. Not your fault - you didn't cause it.
Hello Coach Ken, that part where you say the defender is having a conversation in their head and then they reach a conclusion. That is EXACTLY what my ex did. I had even told her that. Good to know that I diagnosed this right haha. Bit too late but oh well. No im in NC for 6 weeks but starting to lose interest. Thanks for the high quality content
@CoachKen is there anything you can do when that happens? I tried to talk with her about it but it didn't change anything. It's like she had a whole relationship in her head with the imaginary version of me, and in which the actual me was barely involved at all. Is that some sort of psychological disorder which you are better off staying away from?
@Coach Ken I caused the breakup because I felt "Friend Zoned". So how severe is that? We were friendly at the work place til I felt it wasn't going in the direction I wanted; so I just stopped communicating with her and she did the same. There wasn't any discussion on this AT ALL. NONE. So in my view she has no idea why we stopped. And it's been 15 months at work of just working around each other but zero communication. Now she is dating a guy in the office but she still glances at me multiple times ( 20-30) in a day.
What happens when in the beginning you had cheated before you actually fount out the type of person she was and a lil bit after a year into the relationship and she gave you everything her whole heart she put everything into you but you didn’t give eveything in return you would leave her on delivered at night after she would beg you to call her actin like you fell asleep had her cryin she her feelings dimmed down but after a while you realize what you was doing and who she was so you changed yourself you put more of yourself into her and actually have her your heart but then she fount out what you did and she went back a forth for a while but now she’s messing with other people talking and kissing them tellin you she done with you she doesn’t care about the relationship and she’s moved on that she doesn’t want a future but yesterday she said she wanted a future just she wanted to mess around with other people and I know for a fact those people aren’t better then me and I’m pretty sure she knows it too and we end up in no contact after you done tried too but the pain and emotion felt like to much and 2 weeks ago she wanted a future and things were looking bright but now there not and I need some help
I’m a woman who left the business builder/ workaholic.😂 But you can tell this type of man 50 times & he won’t understand until you leave. Even now, he’s in denial. The things that were done “wrong” aren’t toxic, just more like… unacceptable. The problem is that we fall into patterns or tolerate it, like I’ve left in the past & gone back if he apologized. But in those patterns, no contact is important. Because ultimately we have to ask ourselves if we’d want to go back if nothing changed
@@CoachKen thank you coach ken! I just checked your prices and was surprised by how reasonable it is.. I will probably set up a call asap.. am I able to share screen shots of texts with you and stuff during the call?
@@ryanchaney94any update on your situation? My ex boyfriend and I were very happy and in love, but I texted my ex from 10 years ago and lied about it. The trust was broken so he broke up with me. I just wonder if your ex ever came back?
What should I do if I’ve been in no contact for two months and I never reached out to tell her I can empathize with her position? Is it too late now to reach out? She broke up with me because she said we were incompatible and that she couldn’t see us working. I’m really confused.
@@CoachKen I was going through a very difficult transitional time in my career and it was severely affecting my mental health. I ended up dismissing a lot of her wants and needs and prioritized distracting myself from my problems, I was very defensive and unreceptive about her concerns for my shift in behavior, and I constantly shifted the blame and criticized her actions instead of taking accountability for my own wrongdoings. I did so many little things wrong for so long that stemmed from one unresolved personal problem that I just don’t know how I’d even go about apologizing without it sounding like a convenient excuse for my actions. Even though I’m different now, I don’t think she can ever see that unless I acknowledge my mistakes, which I have yet to do. What do you think, Ken? I’d prefer not to reach out and squander my chances but I don’t think she’s ever going to talk to me again if I say nothing.
@@retailvalue8457I believe the man should always reach out. But before you do, I would do a bit more work. And research what polarity in a relationship can do. Masculine and feminine energy. Study that and then reach out after 30-45 days. I think this is the sweet spot. Any longer and people start to grow cold-hearted.
Hi, Coach Ken! I have one important question. We were together almost 3 years. Kind of on and off. Never off for more than a week but the same cycles of me being busy and her not getting quality time, and then hysterically lashing out kept occuring. Your example at the 2 minute mark of this video describes us perfectly. Like, fly on the wall, perfectly. This last time we agreed to separate and maybe speak again in a few weeks. That was 3 days ago. I have written a letter that acknowledges how my distance caused her pain and to pull away. I'm in no contact now and Im just wondering when the best time to send that letter is? How long should I wait or what should I wait for. Thank you for your work. It has brought incredible clarity in times of confusion. God bless you, Man
I rarely write comments but this time I want to understand if I'm doing the right thing or not : we used to be together for long time then they got me into jail which I'm innocent and turned out to be mistake and through the time I was inside I was trying to check on her and help her the right way I could, then I got out and I met her couple of times, we take care of her other bcz she's sick. But three to four weeks ago, I noticed she's pulling away and I told her that if she's busy with something you can only tell me and you can take your time, she's said she's fine and since I'm a bit from home I couldn't meet her every day but I was calling and checking if everything is alright, few days ago I was fed up with my suspicions that there's someone she's talking to. I confronted her with the name she said she doesn't know someone with that name until I mentioned the entire name, she's he's her cousin and she didn't mention it because it's from her father's side and she doesn't like them and they don't like her. I mentioned the question. I've been with you for 3 years and I wanted to talk to your mother many times to ask her for proposal (our traditions) but she said she doesn't want to talk about these topics and that I accused her of something very hurtful and. I left the conversation with goodnight and take care of yourself, but I called mistakenly once she asked why I called and to avoid embarrassing myself I asked about her mother and about the result of the blood tests, she said she's fine. I said okay and I know I'm taking the no contact fully, ps. The guy is a still friend with her on Instagram still no reaction of whatsoever, have I caused the breakup and if the no contact rule would work
So the scenario where the ex came to the conclusion in their minds alone, how can you get that person to want you back? (The protector I believe) Or is this just a start of no contact and continue that only?
My (ex) wife is calling me to fix things around the house still...after she found a new bigger better guy..should i help her with stuff like that anymore ? Shouldnt she call her new perfect man or a professonial?
I was blocked from fb and now i koe why i imagine she dint koe we was still in the Instagram thing conected those fucking stories are just killen me inside.. ive been drinking alot
Friend, you need to block or mute the stories. She will see if you read them. Also it will drive you to drink. You’ll feel better faster if you pretend she doesn’t exist
@@scarletsletter4466 yeah this rubing it on your face thing is not my intellectual way of sharing emotions she becomes a show off because she koes I watch her stories and it's becoming painful because I was broken up with because I don't have alot of money 🤑💰 or Iam not rich fucks me up to see the fancy restaurants and drinks I guess it all about the fancy life I don't bounce that way I be happy with a fishing trip or a day at the beach 🏖️ eating tuna sandwich and beer.. going to do that what U say bothers me that money got in the way.
Sorry, this is really long. Please, anyone who can help, im super open to suggestions! Coach, I was with her for five years, 4 and a half of those were so so good. Halfway through last year, I became really depressed and let myself go, I had zero hobbies, drank by myself, did almost nothing, no exercise, busy friends meant I had no social life, I became dependent on her, I stopped caring about my studies or career, I spent almost all my time gaming... I still spent time with her, but I was more needy than I usually was. I view this as all meaning that it's entirely my fault. She lost attraction and love for me because of how I became a hollow person over several months. I was not the person she fell in love with. I've since worked incredibly hard to fix myself, I've turned my life around 180°, and feel better now than I've felt for a very long time. It's been almost 40 days no contact, over two months being broken up. Before I went No Contact, she would get upset, cry, and say she was confused in her feelings because of the changes she already saw me making. Do I reach out? Do I reach out now and show that I've changed an insane amount since she left? I'm studying hard between anxiety, I'm motivated for my future career, I'm exercising multiple times a day. I miss her, and I feel like I ruined everything by not seeking help earlier.
''they caught me sleeping with her brother or her sister... Or both.'' 😂
🤷🏻♂️ it happens.🤷🏻♂️😆
We need a video if YOU broke up with them and YOU want them back. Please.
Hello, did you get back together?
What made you feel you want to get her back and how long did it take for you to realize you want her back? Hope you can share a little about your story. :) thank you!
I do not have anything against a message testing the waters. Just be prepared for an absolute raging backfire and having to go back into no contact.
And only do it if you really have corrected the conditions that brought you to the breakup and are really willing to commit to a new path.
Remember that you broke them once. They probably suffered and hated you for it. So opening their wound again with a wobly proposal will be worse than letting them be.
Otherwise count your blessings and love them from afar. As sorry as you may feel, you do not have the right to mess them up again.
Stay strong and be well.
The issues were fixable I left to self reflect she was an avoidant
Im actually incredibly proud for how I communicated and apologized for my actions when we broke up, it was before I saw this video but I communicated my anxious tendencies very well, and yes I do love her because she was nothing like me and I found it beautiful
Well said
@hc364...that was an awesome admission. Are you two back together? You said " I do love her because she was nothing like me and I found it beautiful". Only a woman NOT in her right mind would not respond to that passionate truth. Update, if you will. Thanks, and you described exactly why we are celebrating our silver anniversary soon. 😀
@@darrellborland119agreed 😩 I’m a woman and I’m swooning lol. It’s actually exactly how I feel about the man that just dumped me. Only dated a few months but I really liked him and pretty bummed. I was very anxious too and can be argumentative and don’t know when to stop talking sometimes 🤦🏽♀️ (I’m a fearful-avoidant 😬).
Very amazing channel, Ken. As a health care professional myself, married happily 25 years, my heart goes out to those men and women who struggle to find long-term happiness as loving couples. Many narratives we hear do not of course include the many addictive components that cause hidden damage. Those vices may only come to light as we mature on life's circuitous journey, IMHO. Thank you, and these narrative's serve as a reminder that life is transitory, and we need to grow and adapt with it, to maintain those deep connections of matrimony. Subscribed.
This was liberating. She cried after reading my letter. I gracefully bowed out. And I feel like I healed a lot after that letter. No more fixation, no more anxiety. It's time to move on and actually change for the better and let life unfold.
Thank you.
My pleasure - happy for you!
@@CoachKen I was the one that cause the breakup, I would react in yelling during heat of the moment times when there was disagreements, in not properly controlling and sustaining my emotions. Somehow I became so overwhelmed with life that her happiness with me dwindle, resulting in her feeling unheard and alone. We been broken up for a week now after a 6 year relationship, with a daughter together, and a new home we purchased in March. I'm so broken because I allowed discourse by reasons of misunderstanding to ruin my future with her. Sure I gave her security, but this wasn't enough to validate the emptiness she felt. She slowly started to withdraw and isolate in the guest bedroom and now I'm here in the comments section reaching for help! She has made her mind she doesn't want to be in a relationship, she love me but nolonger in love with me, and I had chances... Is this a point of no return?
You literally nailed it with the first scenario. That is us. Now she’s forcing no contact. I’m in so much pain.
This is all too great. Thank you. In my case, I'm blocked. Already sent her that thought-out apology, communicating and empathizing those feelings of hers, and me committing to professional help to be a better version of myself. It's been 3 months of break up, 2 months without running into eachother, and 5 weeks without contact. This hurts still, albeit I'm getting better. I still feel we are meant for one another, believe it or not. Crazy chemistry and connection. For reals. Any help would be nice.
Good for u
I broke up with my ex due to her behaviour
I reached out after about 5 months , not wanting to get back but checking she is ok and is trying to grow
She is in therapy like u so there is a chance she can heal in time
I will keep an eye on her and see where she ends up
Hope this gives u some hope 🙏💓
@@bigtreecombatacademy2927 hey, and thanx. It sucks to be blocked from her world, almost as if she is trying to erase me from her life, as if I never existed or was anything good to her. She claimed to love me like nobody else. Sucks...This does give me hope. And if I may, you said you left your ex cuz her behavior. Was she not willing to change it? If so, would that have made a difference in remaining with her? Lastly, why keep checking on her if you want nothing with her?
@@gabrielsepulveda8294 I blocked and threw out any gifts she gave me like ur ex
I loved her like I loved no other like ur ex
I tried to address the behaviour many many times and she didn’t take it seriously or more likely couldn’t do what was needed
I reached out from compassion and sexual interest, I may attempt a more casual relationship with her if she seems more healed
Definitely didn’t say I want nothing from her but I don’t want a rerun of a bad relationship
She was awesome but sucked at relationships
@@bigtreecombatacademy2927 I see. A rerun of unhealthiness wouldn't be good. I'm down for a new and improved restart. Again, I'm healing and learning what I must. Hope she can feel it. No way I can tell her. Ball's in her court too. Also, I never understood exactly what she needed from me, in terms of change. It finally clicked at the last straw. But I sincerely got it at that point. She helped me understand it like no other time before that. Just wish she wasn't over it by then. I'm doing my best now. I believe and surrender.
Any update?
To everyone watching Coach Ken or Coach Lee I just wanted to share my experience and I dont want to discourage anyone but heres my experience. I have followed both coaches lessons to the T and yes its been hard, its been 6 months for me now and i may have noticed the slightest little clues that it was working, but nothing I can say 100% for sure maybe it was coincidence, both these coaches say that its not 100% and that it doesnt work on everyone. In my case it didnt, I still have nightmares and wake up in panics and sweats, I have tried to do my hobbies but end up saying hell with this my heart just isnt in it, it still bothers me everyday its like a recurring nightmare, if this makes me weak by admitting this then so be it i am being sincere and honest, I have lost just about everything over this and i mean that in a literal sense, does that mean that what these Coaches have said isnt true? No it doesnt so for all of you that are holding on to hope if thats what motivates you then keep going, nothing is guaranteed in life, but all those who get on here and say a ex is a ex for a reason, they dont know your feelings, they dont know your situation, every situation has its differences, try not to listen to their negativity, dont spend your time worrying about its been x number of days and i havent heard anything i done that and it didnt help me in fact it hurt me, time doesnt mean anything, both coaches have said they have seen people reunite after years, i will say and this is just being honest i had built up all this time in no contact half a year, i sent that text that Ken talks about because to be fair i had been selfish only seeing things my way so at least she knows my eyes were opened to see things her way, and we had a good relationship there was no cheating or arguing, my ex is unique she bragged from day 1 if anything ever happens she would be the best ex ever because i would never hear from her again, well i cant call her a liar on that one, or she would always say if anything ever happens and she end things that was it she wouldnt be back, well she got me there too!! So why was she bringing this up? Out of the blue? Maybe to scare me to be a good little soldier? Idk I have learned from my career in emergency services that i have put my life on the line in situations the average person would say screw this and run just to save a total stranger that i didnt know, yet the ones we love and care about wouldnt cross the street to save my life, i hate giving up hate it!! Theres akways a way to succeed but at this point i am throwing in the towel, if she wants the break up this bad then so be it, i can walk away knowing i didnt give up on her, i didnt lose her she lost me and good luck to her replacing me, sure she can find someone else but i can guarantee he wont replace me, he wont fill my shoes and be willing to go above and beyond for her, and i know its going to be hell for awhile, but i have learned what people call hell i call home for half a year now!! Coach Ken Coach Lee thank you for all you did, for all you taught me, i am truly appreciative!!
@prettybird7597 apparently she meant it, but then again I was told that she wouldn't reach out right now because it would damage her precious image which means so much to her, I have reached the point where I can take it or leave it she won't just walk back in I can promise that much!!
When they have this much control over our emotions is a sign of something else in our lives that is wrong. Both my ex-wives wanted divorce and both came back after about 1 year plus. HOWEVER, because I was in therapy, I realized they were both disasters and blocked them everywhere. It still hurts but I would never take her back. I even moved 4 hours away. Best thing I ever did. Stay strong.ose weight. Go to gym regularly. Talk to every women you can...even fat and dumpy. It builds confidence. Graduate to better tier women. Easy peazy! When women know you will walk on them, they begin to follow! It takes time. Almost 3 years in sept. You can do it. I am much happier and now have way less problems in my life since she is gone ( last wife especially)!. Total disaster. Her whole life is CAOS. I am FREEEEEEEEE
I understand everything you said in this post.. I appreciate your honesty and story 🙏🏾 Thank you!!
@@kw7796i’m tryna get like you bother 😂🔥
Tried to articulate and empathize but she responded and said she doesn’t want to talk about the past because it won’t make things better even if she understands but she’s glad I have those insights. I’m worried I wasn’t able to fully articulate and give context now
I went NC for one week and he called. I kept it calm, polite and brief. I did good. Let’s see what happens tomorrow
Any update?
@@russ123321bunya still NC. Ran into him by accident last week. He acted as though we were still an item. Said he would call me. Never heard from him again. My pain is still very intense.
Yes. Any updates?
@@thomasthetankengin7722 we speak still. Situation is still horrible. I need to block him. That’s the fact of the matter. It’s so hard to give up. I know I am not important. He has been given an ultimatum and in 2 days I need to follow through.
This is really high quality stuff Ken. You're outstanding.
Yes Coach Ken!! This is the content we need. Not many people cover this subject. I actually initiated the breakup in frustration because my ex wouldn’t compromise on issues. It became obviously it had to be mostly on her terms. I got upset and ended it, but I realized she was more important to me and I was willing to make sacrifices with my career to make it work. So a few days later I came back to apologize and had a plan in place for us to go to couples counseling, and also how to create an atmosphere where we could both share openly and get to the root of our problems. She didn’t agree to couples therapy since we had our own therapists, which I thought was a bad sign. I thought we needed the same message through the same therapist. What followed was another 10 months of trying to win her over. Gifts, flowers, and multiple hand written letters expressing my regret and sincerity in wanting to work it out. She just wouldn’t open herself up. Even though we were talking about marriage two months prior to the split. She stopped talking to me in October and then reached out in June about why she went silent. We had a few chats since then out the breakup, and there was definitely some chemistry there when we weren’t talking about it and just catching up. We finally stopped communication about 12 days ago after really clearing the air once and for all. She admitted she still looks at my social media and cries about us, even though it’s been a year. I told her she needs to sit with her feelings and make sure she doesn’t still want this. She told me she would reach out if she found love is still there, but I don’t expect to hear from her again.
Excited to hear what you have to say to see where I went wrong (the begging aside - I did way too much)
Did she agree to go to couples counseling? I don’t know your exact situation, but if she didn’t want to go to counseling, I suggest moving on. If she went to counseling but just asked for a break & a few weeks, then I’d say there’s hope. However, you should probably focus on yourself either way. God bless ❤
@@scarletsletter4466 thank you! She didn’t agree to couples therapy since we each have our own therapists. I didn’t think that made sense and instead we needed the same message from the same therapist. That was last September. We didn’t talk from October-June. Talked for a few weeks to clear the air, and then I went no contact 12 days ago or so. I’m trying to push forward. The breakup was my fault. I shouldn’t have let myself get so frustrated. She knows the depth of my regret, just isn’t enough for her to forgive right now
@@matthewwukovich4385yeah, couples therapy is different from individual therapy. Although I understand how it could be hard to go to both of them & still work & maintain other responsibilities. Maybe she has more psych issues than you realize & not feel ready for couples therapy?
Either way, you’re still very early in the process, so hang in there. I’d stay in no contact for a while. I’m a somewhat avoidant woman myself, & it takes like 3-4 weeks (at least) for the breakup to sink in
@@scarletsletter4466 that’s good advice, thank you! I’m just anxious because we technically broke up one year ago. Then didn’t talk for 7 months. She reached back out finally so we could clear the air and not have bad feelings and we had some serious hours long conversations for a few weeks. Now back in no contact… so I fear the separation is permanent. I wonder if the silence on my end will have an effect.
But I also have never gone fully no contact. When she stopped talking to me in October, I would mail her a card or letter every few weeks just so she knew I was thinking of her. This is the first time I’m actually going silent. I guess we’ll see. I really appreciate your insight from a woman’s perspective
You were a Simp, you treated her as a prize, while you should be a prize. And please, don't listed to good advise from woman. They say one thing, but normally do exactly the opposite.
Basically explaining my divorce from 20 years ago. If only I had been aware enough. Ken this is a truly helpful mindset.
This video was made for me, i unknowingly caused the breakup, and im working on myself to be better for myself.
I am the conqueror type big time
I’m a competitive martial artist and am extremely risk oriented, I ride motorbikes and have unfortunately had many brushes with the law
I attracted a bpd ex who I had to walk away from
Felt so terrible about it and still do
We should swap stories sometime my friend! (boxing, TKD, kickboxing)
@@CoachKen similar backgrounds too !
I’m looking at doing some calls with u man think we are similar and I may have adult ADHD too
20:13 The solution of the mess, Thank you for your guidance. I believe it will help me sort out my mess.. Appreciated.
@@IronKurdi Yeah, after explaining my flaws that I took her love for granted, after acknowledging my flaws, I requested that she give me one opportunity, and from then till now, I've been with her as a friend rather than a relationship, and she knows that I've improved significantly. I hope everything goes well because she is the one.
12:56 Man U nailed it. I’m going through that now. Same dynamic.
It's so damn hard to let go & remain no contact without clinging to hope. 😢 He told me to "cease communication" while drunk & misinterpreted my text. I suppose it's over, I don't know how to move on. Perhaps, some men are too cowardly to come back & apologize?
@Jakilyn...I hope your situation with him improved...being drunk and angry brooks no quality response. Update please?
@@darrellborland119 His erratic behavior continued. I ridiculously tolerated it. I will never speak to him again, moved on. It's just his character
"This was my exes response after I sent a clean slate around 3Mos post breakup. What am I to think? She's been in a rebound / monkey branch 2 weeks after breakup.
"I wish you well my friend I do care about you deeply you're my best friend. But I'm ready to enjoy life and not constantly worry about whether I'm not I'm being treated right, whether or not I have to worry about another factor in a relationship"
FYI - she's referring to my son's mother who won't respect boundaries and was always trying to get emotional support from me. Sometimes I gave it and other I would ask her to respect my relationship with my ex.
She's told me a few times that I'm the only one who seen her for her. I'm her best friend. She trusted me as a friend. I think the attraction died. We were together 5 years.
It hurts because it has been eight months now and she just seems to be done. I got just one private call this whole year just a few days before my birthday and I always wonder if that was her. I'll probably never know. There was no voicemail or anything. She always said she didn't like to leave voicemails. I got upset when I felt neglected several times throughout the relationship. It just wasn't in her nature to appreciate me or show that she valued me. She didn't think quality time together was necessary. It was just empty and it was my desire for connection that drove the wedge between us. She grew up in Moldova and I think she is just used to that isolated mentality she doesn't see the fact that a partnership requires it to some extent. She felt critiqued and ended it when I kept bringing these things up. She didn't like confrontation and just thought it was best to end it. She said like I told you that it was only special "in my head." She really hurt me with those words. It just feels like I was something she thought she wanted but then when it came to like you said the differences causing issues she ran or wanted to run. It is really breaking my heart but I think she was in the wrong too. It wasn't just me. I tried and love is not just passive it's something you have to try for and I believe she did not nearly as much as I did and ultimately you and everyone else needs a partner that is willing to TRY above all else.
Did your ex ever reach out to you???
Wow this dynamic and difference caused the break up with my partner. But he just cut me off it was hell. Instead of trying to work it out!
I sure hope you were right on this one!! I had been in no contact been a champ in it but realized I never addressed her feelings so I hesitantly broke no contact to address her feelings and how she must have felt I hope I just didn't blow all the no contact work I had built up!! BTW I got no response
Any response yet?
@ryanchaney94 nope I get the feeling if I had a chance I flushed it!! I never cheated or anything
Ugh sorry buddy how long as it been with everything?
@ryanchaney94 it's been 6 months and I thought everything was good in the relationship, we never argued everything was fine, on my birthday she bought me a expensive gift, I thought all was well, I was asked to help some people in a emergency situation so I did, later that night she broke up with me by text on my birthday!!
@@ncfire51similar story to me man. Somehow I let her feel unappreciated, I just thought these were implicit through my actions, but I wasn't communicating this verbally. I've learnt and I'm a much better man for understanding this.
I caused the breakup but she asked me for space, i feel she will villainize me during the space. I love her with all my heart. Like you say Coach Ken, i want her to understand i finally get it now, i want her to know i understand her pain. I kept telling her i was going to change.
Deep breath - Give it more time and know when she comes back you can tell her everything you want to tell her from a perspective that won't feel like desperation.
Exactly what im going through...
The example with the businessman building the future for us and me feeling neglected was on spot. Totally my case. Ended up breaking up with me because he was feeling that I wasn't showing much gratitude.. but I did my best to support him with all the means I could.
same here! any update?
@Gulya1012 it turned out that he accused me of not being a supporting partner out of his guilt. He highlighted all my flaws and insecurities, and he redifined me as I was a bad person because there was a third person involved. That was the reason why he didn't even want to try to save the relationship. Moral of story? 2 months after the break up and while he is being in his rebound relationship, he is still contacting me out of rage and guilt. He was trying to convince me that I was a bad partner and that it was my fault. I blocked him for my sanity, and I am feeling better day by day. I don't fall for his bait anymore.
@@MariaN-um4zp ❤️❤️❤️
I definitely caused my breakup after almost 4 years. She started dating someone about a month later, maybe a rebound, not sure, but they’ve been seeing each other for about 4 months, 3 of which have been long distance. This all happened in February, June 5 thru now, July 17, is the longest I’ve gone without reaching out. I miss her everyday, but she obviously doesn’t want me. No way she was healed before dating this guy so we’ll see what happens.
How did this play out ?
Did your ex ever reach out to you???
You save so many ppl
Thank you Sam - it encourages me to know I can help to some degree when someone is hurting the way I remember hurting
It’s good to know that the opposite do attract. Because I’m an introvert and my ex is an extrovert but I messed up. But I’m currently going through no contact trying heal myself 😢😢😢
Wow. You just explained me and my ex. He is the business owner. But he dumped me. He was extremely bad at making time for us. If we had plans he had no problem saying yes to overyone else, even strangers and cancel with me. He could never say no to anyone no matter what it was about, just me. It drove me crazy and I became more and more moody and sad. Complaning and causing drama as he would call it. In the end he dumped me and I knew it was because of the way I was acting. Made him feel that he could never be good enough because I kept complaining. He said we were to different and that he wants to be with someone who is more like him. Ive been in no contact for 23 days and its more than 6 weeks since the breakup. Do you really think that I should contact him? I really dont wanna ruin my chances of getting him back by reacing out! I Have said that I was sorry for being moody, but not in the way you explained here.
And I dont know if he even will read my message. Because he still after 23 days havent even opened my last text.
@susy-cp1fr I went through something very very similar except I broke up with my workaholic man. And I complained and bitched until I made myself sick. I broke up with him many times but the longest we went without contact was 31 days. He reached out to me even though I ended the relationship. There is an immense amount of love between us. However he won't get back into a relationship with me. I don't blame him. But I also don't want to get back with him unless he makes time for me stops neglecting me etc. So we've seen each other a few times and it's been amazing every time we see each other. And last time he saw me he told me he loved me but I didn't hear him and I didn't say it back. Long story short I got extremely pissed at him again and told him I'm moving on. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship. Whatever you do, never reach out to a man that blows you off, or doesn't want a relationship. It doesn't matter who dumps who. The man needs to be man enough to come after what he wants. If he doesn't come back in your life then that means he doesn't want you. I would have a timeline if I were you. Mine was 3 months. I was willing to wait 3 months and work on myself. After 3 months I was going to slam the door shut and seal it and never look back. But it only took 31 days. And now I'm removing myself from his life totally until he figures out what he wants. I'm going to start dating again. I have my first date lined up this Friday. I don't believe it's healthy to wait for many months for a man. They will take advantage of you. It's their nature. And I have a new timeline set for 2 months now. I'm willing to date around and wait 2 months and if he doesn't give me a real relationship and fix everything then it's over permanently. 🎉😂😢😅
@susy-cp1fr update?
Genius observations.
What’s up coach! I hope that you’re doing good brother!
Hi Marc! mental manhug
Good example. Close to what I experienced. Me, a defender, breaking up with someone because they have so much money and had decided they could never get married again. So I became a threat. They believe pre-nuptials don’t work… or so they said. 😢
Coach Ken, I hope you'll make a video about how different personalities handle breakups and reconciliation. Like, in my case, I'm an ENFP and my ex-bf is an INFJ.
I mostly caused the breakup -- we were together for more than 3 years and had been a little too needy in the latter part of our relationship. But, I surely hurt him a lot since I was expecting too much from him when we were together. He is a very good man, but since I am also more of an Orchestrator most of the time, I used to feel disappointed whenever he couldn't understand my heart, and even told him about it, thus hurting his feelings a lot of times. He would not really speak up a lot whenever we had conflicts because he gets frustrated whenever we had conflict. He just wants peace and not to keep the conflict going, and I get disappointed since he would not say anything. But, I also could not communicate my heart well, and instead just expected him to read my mind. He got burnt out and eventually felt numb saying he lost the feelings and desire to continue fighting for the relationship. I actually watched your video on why good men leave the relationship part 2, or about the introverted guy. And, our situation was mostly like that.
I apologized to him sincerely after the breakup, and thankfully he was and is still very receptive to me whenever I contact him. It's just that he apologizes for still not wanting to get back together. We've been broken up for a little over 7 weeks already, and the longest no contact that I did was 8 days.. for 7 weeks, from the 2nd-5th week, I was mostly initiating the contact although he was very responsive to me, even until now, and still makes me feel that he cares for me a lot. He started initiating the contacts and reaching out to me last week and this week, but I am scared that I might mess it up. I am still very warm and caring whenever we talk but I limit my responses since I'm scared to appear chasing him. I would usually gracefully end the conversation since I'm scared I might make him feel rushed or pressured if the conversation keeps going. Coz, we just can't seem to stop talking every time we chat, so I had to end the conversation most of the time.
By the way, I truly and earnestly apologized to him for my faults, and so he did. He told me he had faults too in the breakup, and we both have forgiven each other, although he apologized that he still doesn't want to get back together.
He told me though that we could talk more about the breakup and the relationship issues once I'm done with my major exam this September. I also told him that in the meantime, maybe we could stop talking about the breakup and keep our conversations light, to which he agreed. But to be honest, I'm just really scared that I might mess it up, especially since he hinted or indirectly said he would stay the same (support me and treat me lovingly as a partner). But I wasn't able to respond to that well since I was caught off guard and got scared to appear chasing again. I said, I'll strive to make myself better and be more understanding too so that I can treat my loved ones and other people much better next time. And I think he got upset since I did not respond to his indirect message, or about 'him' being my 'partner'. I did hint back on getting back together since I was too scared to appear chasing again.
What makes me hang on to hope now is just the fact that at least we had agreed to talk about the breakup and the relationship after my major exam.
Did I do the right thing in not acknowledging his indirect hint? T_T
I also don't know if the no-contact will work since he kinda reaches out to me once or twice each week and I do respond. T_T
What if they don’t apologize for the specific hurtful things they said at the break up?- they just offered a generic “I’m sorry” and moved onto another person
Let them go - very few things worse for a long term relationship than lack of empathy
Coach Ken is there a chance if I caused the breakup because I was being toxic, but not outright terrible like cheating or anything? I sent her that apology without the request for getting back together but I just feel like she’s in the numb state so I don’t think she’ll ever come back. She she’s realized a lot and it seems like I’ve realized a lot but I didn’t keep chasing after that I just left it.
Bro I just saw something on Instagram made me run for a six pack and cigarettes
What was that?
My business oriented/competition driven/ stellar accomplishments ex broke up with me, even if I tried to give him all the understanding, cheering and patience he wanted
Coach ken please if you read this give me your opinion, so i did breakup with my girlfriend and i was reconsidering and she was trying to make me jealous so i reached out since i want her back anyway and no need for this toxic stuff to happen, she replied in rage and a hateful text saying we have nothing anymore, i apologized and mentioned that im trying to fight for the relationship she ghosted and didnt even reply and kept doing what she was doing, now thinking she was not real with me i chose to move on and start dating and now she stalks my current gf, this somehow keeps me thinking maybe she wants me but doesn't know what to do and then i think its done but this hope keeps her living in my head idk what to do
Thanks Coach. I recognize that my disinvestment and lack of affection to her caused her to leave me. I know I need to reach out with the apology letter.
It's been 6 weeks of NC. She sent me a package of sentimental items at week 2 with a note saying she'll always love me and remember our best.
I'll send the apology at week 8.
This video is a God send. I was praying and crying this morning and then found this. Thank you so much.
@@davidpeterson9930 update?
Did you end up hearing anything back?
Update
Ok. can someone answer this one.
After he tried to deny me my freedom (emotional abuse) for the sake of his counselling to work.. 2 weeks later, he speaks to his counsellor. After all that he says, "I dont think its going to work out".
I pack up my things the next day and say there is nothing left to fight for. (Give him a list of requirements should that situation change. Left an email with his counsellor about what has really been happening) I feel like I am wanting to go back but I remember the very strong emotions like anxiety and frustration and loneliness when he shut me out.
What now..?
It looked like it hurt but there is no response. Mind you, when he tried to trap me, he promised a small amount of change and it got worse.
You have to hold firm to your reasonable minimal boundaries - if you compromise on those it causes a dip in attraction and loss of self respect and that fuels and very unhealthy dynamic in multiple ways. Reasonable minimal boundaries
Irreparable and No Hope here hello 👋🙋🏻♂️
Most of the time there's still hope even when it feels hopeless - time and space can change more than it feels like when you're in the worst of it
@@CoachKen Thanks, Coach Ken. I've been watching tons of your videos this week. Your insight into how different personalities go through scenarios like this has helped me see the courage I was lacking to hold on to some hope. I appreciate you. 🙏
What if the break up was 100% their fault and they were completely wrong??
Don't reach out
They told me a few times like around 3-5 times over the summer and fall that they wanted me to travel to them more often. The problem is that we are teens and I don’t really have that money. Would that count as me breaking the relationship or not? They also communicated once that they felt like we were drifting apart. I don’t remember what I answered but Ik we never had a conversation about that after it. I’m really unsure if it’s just feeling’s that are talking or actual consciousness
Does NC still work if I told dumper to not call / message me so I can move forward? I gave the break up with no drama.
I’d like to hear what he has to say about this. I doubt it changes the approach to no contact. Tbh I think it’s a healthy way to respond to a breakup to tell the partner to leave us alone so we can move forward.
I’m my experience, I’ve always told an ex to leave me alone, & they still reach out in a few months. But if you want them to reach out in a few weeks, you’d prob have to ping them first on some very casual, safe topic like a restaurant recommendation or a question in his area of expertise (but within reason, like if he’s a doctor or attorney don’t ask for lengthy medical or legal advice) 😂
Yea it does
I reached out after 5 months of NC
@@bigtreecombatacademy2927 we're
you the dumper or dumpee? He's dating again & also a functioning alcoholic (I know I'm better off but still difficult) I'm healing slowly and concentrating on myself. Some days are so hard, listening to coaches advise has been a huge help and gets me through the dark moments. 🙏🏻
@@bigtreecombatacademy2927how did that go?
Yes it will still work. Words don't matter, feelings do.
Good stuff
He has ADHD and I didn't know or understand much about it.We were just 4 months in the relationship and I told him I can't do this and he said me too.He told me he likes me so much but he is scared that i might do to him what his ex girlfriend (narcissist )did to him.
Makes sense - but his wounds aren't justification to make you pay for them - reasonable mutual understanding is good!
me and my ex of 2 years are currently in a no contact because my mistakes of not listening and to what she needed changed and not helping her and now she is mentally broken and says she needs to find herself i told her i would send flowers every time they die and she says she likes them but i dont want to end up pushing her away by sending them but i also dont want to let her down by not what should i do?
I would say I caused the break up but she initiated it. Its been 1 month and a week. I implemented no contact and the longest its been in place was 7 days. She ends up reaching out everytime then proceeds to tell me we shouldnt talk, so i go back into no contact. Now shes reached out every two days and also had me come over saturday and we had sex. Shes once again saying she shouldnt feel the way that shes feeling so shes not going to talk to me for awhile. I wake up today from a text from her talking about how great the sex was.
So i asked, am i just here to entertain you until you find someone else? And she replied really? So i said I hope not 🤷🏻♂️. And she said no….
Lol this is easy to get her back if you play your cards right. Just act like you are already back together. Don't say anything, just take actions as if you were dating her and take her to do fun and romantic activities.
@@lke4907 thats the thing, she wont agree to a meet up face to face. She asked me to go on a trip in a few months, and i responded to it by saying im open to it but i wanna take it a day at a time. Shes been getting jealous because im doing more fun things in my life, and says that she wishes we did more when we were together but tells me shes fine and doesnt want to do any of those things with me now. Her exact words were “im mad because youre doing all this fun shit and when we were together we never did fucking shit! Not that we arent doing them now but because we never did” that hurt pretty bad not going to lie. And its also not true we did a bunch of things just maybe not as much as we both would have liked.
Did this and was left on read for 3 days now
Do you have a video about if you broke up with someone but for good reasons? I broke up with my ex because of communication issues and because she was a fearful avoidant and had become cold. I saw not other reason that to break it off. I told her that if she wants to give it another shot at some point, but within my bounderies, she is wellcome to each out. I am unsure if the normal rules of No Contact applies.
THISSSSSSSSSSSSS!
What if he thought I was cheating and I tested his trust toward me but he was totally wrong 😅 I never cheated. Then he broke up with me..We did have a mature conversation at the end kind of agreeing to breaking up but he was the one who said it and said things such as he wants the best for me, that I could find one better etc. I’m in no contact now and it’s been 5 days..
He cheated. Now I'm trying to understand the ADHD and if I should give another chance. No counselor seems to get the infidelity and ADHD.
hyper-sexuality is a real thing - and still no excuse for cheating
What if you never felt valued or appreciated and they always threatened that they are leaving you. Then you get so fed up and say leave I’m done you having to set a boundary! and they leave and never take accountability for their actions to make you say leave?
That isn't you causing the breakup AT ALL - that's you mentally and emotionally getting worn down until you break and confront the threat they used to manipulate you with for so long. Not your fault - you didn't cause it.
@@CoachKenwould no contact even work on a person like that?
Update plz? How is it going?
Hello Coach Ken, that part where you say the defender is having a conversation in their head and then they reach a conclusion.
That is EXACTLY what my ex did. I had even told her that. Good to know that I diagnosed this right haha. Bit too late but oh well. No im in NC for 6 weeks but starting to lose interest. Thanks for the high quality content
Thanks Jokee! Yeah it's an aspect that really confuses and frustrates the one that is more direct, blunt and clear about their emotions
@CoachKen is there anything you can do when that happens? I tried to talk with her about it but it didn't change anything.
It's like she had a whole relationship in her head with the imaginary version of me, and in which the actual me was barely involved at all.
Is that some sort of psychological disorder which you are better off staying away from?
@Coach Ken I caused the breakup because I felt "Friend Zoned". So how severe is that? We were friendly at the work place til I felt it wasn't going in the direction I wanted; so I just stopped communicating with her and she did the same. There wasn't any discussion on this AT ALL. NONE. So in my view she has no idea why we stopped. And it's been 15 months at work of just working around each other but zero communication. Now she is dating a guy in the office but she still glances at me multiple times ( 20-30) in a day.
What happens when in the beginning you had cheated before you actually fount out the type of person she was and a lil bit after a year into the relationship and she gave you everything her whole heart she put everything into you but you didn’t give eveything in return you would leave her on delivered at night after she would beg you to call her actin like you fell asleep had her cryin she her feelings dimmed down but after a while you realize what you was doing and who she was so you changed yourself you put more of yourself into her and actually have her your heart but then she fount out what you did and she went back a forth for a while but now she’s messing with other people talking and kissing them tellin you she done with you she doesn’t care about the relationship and she’s moved on that she doesn’t want a future but yesterday she said she wanted a future just she wanted to mess around with other people and I know for a fact those people aren’t better then me and I’m pretty sure she knows it too and we end up in no contact after you done tried too but the pain and emotion felt like to much and 2 weeks ago she wanted a future and things were looking bright but now there not and I need some help
I’m a woman who left the business builder/ workaholic.😂 But you can tell this type of man 50 times & he won’t understand until you leave. Even now, he’s in denial. The things that were done “wrong” aren’t toxic, just more like… unacceptable. The problem is that we fall into patterns or tolerate it, like I’ve left in the past & gone back if he apologized. But in those patterns, no contact is important. Because ultimately we have to ask ourselves if we’d want to go back if nothing changed
You should go date a guy that works at Burger King.
Is it possible there is no relief stage because a single event and fight caused the breakup when I lied to her. Would there be no relief stage??
Possible yes
@@CoachKen thank you coach ken! I just checked your prices and was surprised by how reasonable it is.. I will probably set up a call asap.. am I able to share screen shots of texts with you and stuff during the call?
@@ryanchaney94any update on your situation? My ex boyfriend and I were very happy and in love, but I texted my ex from 10 years ago and lied about it. The trust was broken so he broke up with me.
I just wonder if your ex ever came back?
The first situation is what happened to my relationship :(
Is there anything at all that I can do?
i did most the damage. He came back and just played me when I was trying and left with a new girl… can no contact work
It's not just no contact itself. Moving on is what attracts your ex
19:30
Saving this timestamp
Yooo we have the same pfp I've had this one since over a decade
What should I do if I’ve been in no contact for two months and I never reached out to tell her I can empathize with her position? Is it too late now to reach out? She broke up with me because she said we were incompatible and that she couldn’t see us working. I’m really confused.
Don't reach out now - I sincerely missed the thing you'd be apologizing for
@@CoachKen I was going through a very difficult transitional time in my career and it was severely affecting my mental health. I ended up dismissing a lot of her wants and needs and prioritized distracting myself from my problems, I was very defensive and unreceptive about her concerns for my shift in behavior, and I constantly shifted the blame and criticized her actions instead of taking accountability for my own wrongdoings. I did so many little things wrong for so long that stemmed from one unresolved personal problem that I just don’t know how I’d even go about apologizing without it sounding like a convenient excuse for my actions. Even though I’m different now, I don’t think she can ever see that unless I acknowledge my mistakes, which I have yet to do. What do you think, Ken? I’d prefer not to reach out and squander my chances but I don’t think she’s ever going to talk to me again if I say nothing.
@@retailvalue8457I believe the man should always reach out. But before you do, I would do a bit more work. And research what polarity in a relationship can do. Masculine and feminine energy. Study that and then reach out after 30-45 days. I think this is the sweet spot. Any longer and people start to grow cold-hearted.
What happened?
@@retailvalue8457howd u go about it then? similar situation
what if I caused the breakup because I keep doubting him?
Hi, Coach Ken! I have one important question. We were together almost 3 years. Kind of on and off. Never off for more than a week but the same cycles of me being busy and her not getting quality time, and then hysterically lashing out kept occuring. Your example at the 2 minute mark of this video describes us perfectly. Like, fly on the wall, perfectly.
This last time we agreed to separate and maybe speak again in a few weeks. That was 3 days ago. I have written a letter that acknowledges how my distance caused her pain and to pull away. I'm in no contact now and Im just wondering when the best time to send that letter is? How long should I wait or what should I wait for.
Thank you for your work. It has brought incredible clarity in times of confusion.
God bless you, Man
Is it possible to get a ex husband back after 2 divorces???
She was definitely an orchestrator and I was a performer. It became exhausting
I rarely write comments but this time I want to understand if I'm doing the right thing or not : we used to be together for long time then they got me into jail which I'm innocent and turned out to be mistake and through the time I was inside I was trying to check on her and help her the right way I could, then I got out and I met her couple of times, we take care of her other bcz she's sick. But three to four weeks ago, I noticed she's pulling away and I told her that if she's busy with something you can only tell me and you can take your time, she's said she's fine and since I'm a bit from home I couldn't meet her every day but I was calling and checking if everything is alright, few days ago I was fed up with my suspicions that there's someone she's talking to. I confronted her with the name she said she doesn't know someone with that name until I mentioned the entire name, she's he's her cousin and she didn't mention it because it's from her father's side and she doesn't like them and they don't like her. I mentioned the question. I've been with you for 3 years and I wanted to talk to your mother many times to ask her for proposal (our traditions) but she said she doesn't want to talk about these topics and that I accused her of something very hurtful and. I left the conversation with goodnight and take care of yourself, but I called mistakenly once she asked why I called and to avoid embarrassing myself I asked about her mother and about the result of the blood tests, she said she's fine. I said okay and I know I'm taking the no contact fully, ps. The guy is a still friend with her on Instagram still no reaction of whatsoever, have I caused the breakup and if the no contact rule would work
So the scenario where the ex came to the conclusion in their minds alone, how can you get that person to want you back? (The protector I believe) Or is this just a start of no contact and continue that only?
if the breakup is because of misunderstanding, how long do I have to do no contact?
My (ex) wife is calling me to fix things around the house still...after she found a new bigger better guy..should i help her with stuff like that anymore ? Shouldnt she call her new perfect man or a professonial?
Don't go over there..... bro.
@@jeffh6960 way too late....just texted her again=(...day 0
Completely went off topic after the first 3 minutes.
20:00
This is it
Your website is not working.
I was blocked from fb and now i koe why i imagine she dint koe we was still in the Instagram thing conected those fucking stories are just killen me inside.. ive been drinking alot
Friend, you need to block or mute the stories. She will see if you read them. Also it will drive you to drink. You’ll feel better faster if you pretend she doesn’t exist
@@scarletsletter4466 yeah this rubing it on your face thing is not my intellectual way of sharing emotions she becomes a show off because she koes I watch her stories and it's becoming painful because I was broken up with because I don't have alot of money 🤑💰 or Iam not rich fucks me up to see the fancy restaurants and drinks I guess it all about the fancy life I don't bounce that way I be happy with a fishing trip or a day at the beach 🏖️ eating tuna sandwich and beer.. going to do that what U say bothers me that money got in the way.
@@Justin-xm1rvget ur money up bro
@@Justin-xm1rvyeah stop focusing on her. Focus on making more money and getting healthy. Put the beer down and pick up some weights.
20:05
I dumped her because she was becoming entitled and disrespectful.
I Don't know who needs to hear this but yall need to STOP cheating
Sorry, this is really long. Please, anyone who can help, im super open to suggestions!
Coach, I was with her for five years, 4 and a half of those were so so good. Halfway through last year, I became really depressed and let myself go, I had zero hobbies, drank by myself, did almost nothing, no exercise, busy friends meant I had no social life, I became dependent on her, I stopped caring about my studies or career, I spent almost all my time gaming... I still spent time with her, but I was more needy than I usually was.
I view this as all meaning that it's entirely my fault. She lost attraction and love for me because of how I became a hollow person over several months. I was not the person she fell in love with.
I've since worked incredibly hard to fix myself, I've turned my life around 180°, and feel better now than I've felt for a very long time.
It's been almost 40 days no contact, over two months being broken up. Before I went No Contact, she would get upset, cry, and say she was confused in her feelings because of the changes she already saw me making.
Do I reach out? Do I reach out now and show that I've changed an insane amount since she left? I'm studying hard between anxiety, I'm motivated for my future career, I'm exercising multiple times a day. I miss her, and I feel like I ruined everything by not seeking help earlier.