My wife left after 11 years and raising my 3 kids with me from a previous marriage. Wonderful mother. My best friend, and then out of nowhere, says she doesnt want to be together. Crush on a co-worker, who is 2 years older than our oldest son. Not reciprocated, limerence because he listens to her. Our intimacy was wonderful til the day she left. Moved in with her father. Has not reached out in ten weeks to me or kids, other than sending them a birthday gift. Attended two school concerts but physically hid under a hoodie at one, and ran out at the end. Totally opposite from the years of concerts and school functions. All I sense is fear of facing me, and guilt and shame towards the kids. Been taking Coach Lee's strategic contact for 2 months, still waiting. Moving on but keeping hope she doesn't just never come back to us. Just so bizarre, her behavior
This is my exact scenario! My ex is 40. Could possibly be hormones. Just focus on being the best version of yourself, and do it for you! Hang in there!
@@trevorstevenson4772 Same to you. Bizarre! Today would be our 8th marriage anniversary, 11 since we've been together. No contact is definitely making it easier. Hormones are definitely a possibility here as well, or a midlife crisis of some kind; identity issue, something like that. We got this!
She's likely the type to just take longer to process and act - Took years to lose the connection but the kids and length of time together are significant connections. What's the latest - and apologies for taking a while to see this
@@CoachKen @CoachKen I wrote her an email one month after this happened. She responded, but very impersonally. I went true no contact after, and did not reach out on our anniversary in April. I did sent a financial letter a week later, which she ignored. She then filed for divorce at the end of April and I have heard nothing from her other than that. She finally after 4 months sent a letter to the kids, the first being really all about her. Implying that there were things the kids didn't know about. There weren't however. The kids were pretty hurt by it. Since then she has sent another letter which was a little bit better about the kids, and sent them a hand-drawn picture of each of them. I've been struggling with not trying to find out what she's doing but I have seen some posts that she has made online in a subreddit for lonely people. It's just baffling because we were best friends up until that day. I've been told it sounds as if she could be BPD, and I'm probably codependent. I've really struggled with it, as I absolutely loved her, and still do. However, she abandoned all of us, including even her pets, one of which is a 14 year old dog she's had longer than she even knew me. I struggle the most with not having any connection to speak to her and we are just completely done despite over a decade of every moment together. I have a drawer of hand written love letters from her, we would write daily to each other up to this happening. One I found from a year ago talks about how Being married to me was like winning the lottery and how she can't believe she was so lucky to be my wife. It was like that up until the day she left and said all this
7 year relationship, she was my world. I did mess up and was too much of a doofus to put the real work in. If I'm honest, I was stuck and afraid, and wrestled with insecurities from my childhood. I became a dead man walking for a really long time, all through the pandemic was a pain beyond description. 4 years later I'm still riding the ghost train, but I'm not the man I was. I have grown in every way possible to such a high degree that it astounds even me. I have upped my game in everything, my emotional maturity, my education, my career, my ability to love completely, my mental resources and I am (surprisingly to me) everything I ever could be. I didn't hook up with anyone throughout this whole time, I hooked up and put the effort into me, like I should have done way back then. There was only her, there is only her for me, but I built a world of love and safety should she ever come back. You're the boss coach Ken, you've helped me a lot x
Same here man all that’s keeping me going is my relationship with God and hopefully one day he’ll bring us back together if not then I’ll be a much better caring communicative and calm man . I did a lot of growing we’ve been broken up for 2 months now 1 month N.C God bless the broken hearted but like you said it’s genuinely on us even though we thought that they would never leave . Good luck fellas
The part about them chasing you and then not wanting you anymore once they have you, is so messed up. My ex chased me for months and blinsided me once he had me. The reason why I was so hesitant is because I didn't want something like this to happen but it did. Funny how life works sometimes. It hurt more than any other break up I've had in the past. I just don't understand people like him who chase limerence and have this juvenile way of thinking but then again, the relationship ending is probably for the best and would've never had a future anyway. It just shows me that they were never sincere in the first place. Thank you for another great video!
Married for 30yrs, 3 wonderful children, thought we had something special. She started pulling away 2 yrs ago. I did everything I could both good and bad. Looking back she told me over and over that she was wanting me to change. I thought i was enough. I apologized, chased, and said things I regret. I know that what I have been doing doesn’t work. Please listen and pay attention and don’t take them for granted. Every body deserves the best you can give them.
I’m mourning the bond we shared it made me feel like a whole person to know someone always cared about me and held me with them when I was away. Knowing that’s gone hurts it feels like I lost a piece of me. I gave that bond a lot of value and loved and trusted her with everything I had. Really sad
I miss him. I still love him and I never thought I'd walk away but unfortunately he gave me no choice. I hope I was able to give him a glimpse of what real love could be. I hope he heals.
Im in the same situation right now. Our last evening was beautifu thol. We cried a lot together, but i had to let him go, because there was nothing I could have done more to change his mind after he expresses to me that he couldnt see me as a long term partner 😔
The point you said about them seeing you as such a prize, saying phrases like out of league, too good to be true hit home. That was mine spot on and when I started to show mutual appreciation, in hindsight the change slipping away became clear from then. I hadn’t thought of it until now😢
My girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me 2 months ago because i wasn't there emotionally. Too busy with work and other priorities. I really love her and want to work things out together. Ive been going to counselling to work on issues from my childhood. I called her this week to see what her intentions are long term. Shes afraid to jump back in because she wants to make sure im serious about fixing myself. She suggested a year apart. I dont know how to take that... I really love her, but afraid she's going to find someone else
That's a tough one brother. Keep us updated. Praying for your relationship, however it may turn out 🙏 and all issues you're addressing through therapy 👊
exceptional video Ken. describes my situation. had 4 calls with you over 7 months since labor break up. Don't think shes coming back but I'm moving forward. Highly suggest booking a call with Ken. Best coach on YT
I was going to merry her. 4 months before the wedding, she stated that its not worth it to be together because she is not happy. So she left. I got angry and told her to leave my home. I got into no contact without begging. 15 days later, she called to get some shoes, but after seven days . But actually, she said she wanted to talk. I waited like a puppy for 7 days. Then she texted that she couldn't make it that day. She will come the next day. She called we made a date, but never came. I got mad and just told her i will get her stuff and never call again. I got her stuff and told her that this was a game for her. An ego boost. If a person cares for my feelings, shouldn't she be punctual and at least come to his senses and think how his actions affect the other person.
This channel helped me so much over the last 17 months as I went through an extraordinarily painful divorce with a cluster b woman. Your videos made a lot of sense to me, pierced through the pain and helped me calm down during the most painful moments. Thank you, Ken.
I think I'm experiencing this level of pain as an ADHD person, and have for most of 2024. And she made it worse by coming back after first NC then leaving again in a bad way. I did a last letter and text that discussed her pain, what she needed, and articulated what I need to work on myself. I don't know what else to do? And I'll go through first holiday season without her in 4 years. Anyway, from everything I've done for self help this year, nobody is able to articulate these things as well as Coach Ken and Coach Lee. God Bless, Coach Ken.
Been looking for this topic everywhere! Thank you coach Ken! I abused my power and i lost him 😢 he doesnt look at me the same anymore. i used to be all his world. He would only see me and now he is gone. To my defense, my needs were far from being met there were always excuses since we are both parents to our own children . (9 years together with nothing to show for!) felt like dating for years. Nothing done together. Fast forward to this 3rd break i found out what pain i caused him with things i said over the years so I tried everything to undo the damage. Apologized and tried to be more positive and loving but he changed from sweet and loving to a different person. And now i looked less attractive. And it hurt. It burns. We would talk and meet but he was otherwise unreachable he stopped touching me i think bc he met a girl while we were broken up. She is in love with him. He told me about her but said he wants to be alone to heal. I had to end it bc i didnt want to stay friends like suggested. So he sent a goodbye text and how much i meant to him and that i will always have a place in his heart. Im in the pits of hell. Jealous and anxious. 3 weeks NC
This exact situation happened to me last week. She pursued me, told me right up to the day she left how lucky she was. Then out of the blue told me she hadn’t been happy for a while now and left. In hindsight I can see she did try to tell me but I didn’t take it seriously enough and thought I had time to fix it. 5 years together gone. I haven’t pleaded or begged but have acknowledged my part in the break up. I have tried to go no contact but she keeps texting me saying she misses me and loves me. I have said I am open to a conversation about our relationship but she doesn’t want this so I am very confused.
Going thru it myself. My wife wanted me, my time, my compassion, understanding, and respect. I work so much and so hard to make the money she doesn’t care about. She cared about me…
Coach Ken, I’m in this exact situation. I feel the apologies I gave weren’t enough right before we mutually agreed to go into no contact. I was angry, I was hurt, I didn’t articulate and let him know that I understood and care about his feelings like he was asking me to all along. I apologized but I’m sure I sounded just as self absorbed as he’s been thinking I am because it seemed like maybe I was just doing it to get him back or because my regret was eating at me but no, I did it because I truly do care about his feelings and for some reason I didn’t take it very seriously and couldn’t change when he needed me to. I’m on day 3 of no contact and all I can think about is all of my mistakes and my guilt and shame because he no longer thinks i’m a good person .. I really want this relationship back and I was trying to improve myself towards the end of our relationship but yes it was too late because he had already checked out. I’m really worried he won’t ever come back. I can’t think of a reason he would now and it’s true that my guilt, shame and regret has been eating me up though I have many people around me that try and build my confidence back up now like my family and friends but right before he left he laid out all my mistakes and so it’s hard to feel any better because I know he just used to think I was so great and he’s the kindest most sweetest boy I’ve ever met. He had me on a pedestal the whole time, even when he was hurting ..and so for him to get fed up with me is very very serious.. We were together 1 year and 2 months and we broke up on Tuesday. Started no contact on Friday night, now its monday. I’m not sure that no contact will work because if he got so fed up why would he want to come back? but I’m trying to hold out because he’s the only one I want .. He was the first person to meet all of my family. We had so many firsts together. I was the first one to meet his parents but. I’m not sure that his mom likes me much anymore and he told his closest cousins about our breakup. it makes this feel all the more permanent. I could use some advice.
Man, this is probably the most insightful video about this topic i've ever watched or listen to. This is magnifique! You are much more articulate than many psychologists of fame, who write books and are very well known. May be they also understand and own what you have said in this video but the fashion in which they describe this issue, or how they try to explain some of the things at the very core of these problems, seem plain, simple, superficial. You have described all the situations involved deeply and to their very foundations.
You are so wonderfully analytical. The only coach that breaks down all aspects . Gives much food for thought I’ve considered how would I have felt if my ex started to express how much he wanted Me , that He loved Me I wasn’t sure of my answer . I sometimes questioned if I honestly wanted Him even though it felt like I did I wondered if it was more so my anxious attachment
Hey coach you really helped me with the break up. I thought I wasn’t the bad guy but I did and you helped me see that. I understand now how I was to my ex and I apologised with strength. I’m now more understanding and more comfortable to be vulnerable to people and just more empathetic.
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Wow this video is exactly my situation and I can’t thank you enough 🙏 it been 5 weeks my ex broke up with me and i have started the NC for almost 3 weeks. She has been bread-crumbing in those 3 weeks but I have been trying not to fall for it until she finally reach out. I know she loves me and I love her too but she’s confused. so I guess I have to let her go and to go find herself while I keep on doing me, if it’s meant to be it will be. for now NC till I hopefully heal and move on at some point if she dosnt come back🙏
@CoachKen absolutely on point. 🎯shaken to my core and zero understanding of what went wrong. He even assured me I did nothing wrong. Everything you describe is so what need to hear. Thank you. ❤️
This is me I fucked up Took her for granted Yelled screamed thru plates of food. I'm a child Begged and begged now FOR MONTHS. I'm guilty and it shows.
how are you mate? i was in the same situation and did the same thing to her and she broke up,then i begged, we started seeing again, go out, she would say she loves me she misses me etc but then 1day she told me that she tried but her feelings aren’t the same anymore. i know i shouldn’t contact her but i need to, coz she still has her stuff at my place.
The scenario you described in this video is exactly my situation. I was the one being pursued, I took her for granted, etc... She broke up with me out of nowhere due to my emotional issues that she has constantly told me to work on throughout our relationship that I of course, did not work on. I feel like a fool. Since the breakup I took a deep look at myself and have been actively making the changes she said I needed to make. I wrote to her, apologizing, taking accountability, explaining how I am taking steps to change, and expressing gratitude for our long relationship. I DID NOT BEG OR ASK FOR ANOTHER CHANCE! I also did not really explain how I felt, it was more about how she felt and how I hurt her. I'm glad you made this video because it confirms I did the right things. The only thing left to do is keep improving and be that better partner she always wanted me to be either with her, or with someone new. I'm not going to break NC, but if we do get back together, oh man I'm gonna be the best partner EVER!
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Wow wow wow, this feels like I typed this word for word dammn. This is exactly what I’m going through and I know if we ever get back together the relationship would be magical and she’s knows this but for now sticking to NC and I ain’t breaking it either
@@Burning_the_toast Nope she never said a word to me. I'm in a new relationship now though and all is well. I'm a lot better of a partner than I used to be.
CONFUSED. My x and I didn't really break up. Parted ways after an argument. Think he has childhood trauma and an over involved mom. I'm in NO Contact since 2/23.
@CoachKen mom makes it very hard. He's an only child, and she lays massive guilt trips on him. His dad committed suicide approx. 30 years ago. She lays the abandoned mom card on him. It is the most emmeshed co depebded relationship I've ever seen. He even wanted to take her on a date with us shortly after reconnecting the previous separation. He is immature and doesn't really think critically. Black and white. Sweetest nerd, I know, too. I have no idea what to think of him. PTSD, BPD, Trauma????? Very confusing. I have been an ICU/RN for 20 years. I'm pretty good at figuring things out and have a deep emotional connection to people. It is kinda my RN superpower, lol. I'll talk to you on April 18th at 1200 Coach Ken. It's a pickle of a situation 😆 Your amazing, and I appreciate your time and attention. Thank you for being you.
@acfiTraining funny thing is I actually got along with her. I don't have that emotional bond to her, so it doesn't bother me when she starts BS, lol. I am not fond of the way she treats him at times because I love him and hate to see him hurt. I advise him to draw some healthy boundaries and maybe talk to a counselor. He is 53 years old and has never lived more than 6 months straight without her. Yup...he lives with his mom. 😳. She's very independent so it's not as if he needs to take care of her. Not at all. Very odd situation indeed. Wish me luck.
The over involved mom is a huge red flag , it's like your in the relationship with her to, lol. I've been there too,it doesn't work lol Hang in there !!
It’s been 3 months after i wanted to reach out for closure a month after the initial breakup. I was smoking all the time during the relationship and i wasn’t emotionally present, afraid of vulnerability and acting passive aggressive like purposely waiting for her to reach out to me first when i could have easily started conversations. Also turned a bit too needy towards the end as i felt her pulling away which i think made it worse. I don’t blame her at all. I do wish for a second chance but i have been focusing on myself and know that reaching out even to apologize is not the right move. I feel a lot better and more in tune (healed) since I’ve stopped smoking and i just hope that she gets to see this new me one day. If not then so be it
Hi Ken, I watched one of your other videos from about a year ago- it was the one about cheating I think- so my situation is a little different. My baby daddy and I have been together for 10 years on & off, we both are 26 so you can imagine all the growing & history we have had to go through. We ended up having our daughter a little over 3 years ago. We lived together for 2 of those years and I decided to break our lease because there was some form of emotional abuse & belittling. We both ended up living back at our parents (which are only one block from each other since we grew up together, we went to elementary & high school together). So since December 2022 we have not lived together but have been working on our relationship. There has been a lot of resentment o his behalf in 2023 due to him thinking I tore our family apart - I totally understand how he feels & I have tried my best to help with these feelings, I too have many regrets & guilt for my decision but also think it was necessary for my mental health. The second half of 2023 it was getting better when he moved into his best friend & wife’s house but we still had many up & downs.
I only dated him for 5/6 weeks and yet he took a lot from me (emotionally). He said he needed a “pause” from us and yet he started dating someone else… And yet he’s watching all of my Instagram stories. Sometimes almost immediately. He wished me a happy birthday two weeks ago, and I thanked him but he hasn’t replied since. It feels almost like he’s two-timing, because I know I wouldn’t like it if the guy I was dating watched every Instagram story from a girl he went on dates with as well as wishing her a happy birthday. We didn’t even fight, actually he did something horrible to me but I just accepted it. He just broke it off one day with his excuse being that he’s an avoidant. I’m trying to detach from all this while trying to give him forgiveness as well. I just don’t know what he’s even thinking.
Coach Lee is good but you are also! Yes! Thank you so much! It takes a lot of time not to copy information but really understand the depth of the situation from within your mind. In this video you demonstrate you can even though you are not in the situation yourself.
This is my situation right now... dated this girl for a year and didn't get her the love she needed. I thought I would always have her. I moved to her city and we were together just like before for the first week then suddenly she said she only wants to be friends... and despite that she didn't hit me up for 2 weeks and when I did she said she can't meet up right now cause she's still hurt by actions from the past. I was emotionally spoiled and never thought they would leave. Like Coach ken said they kept pushing for an official relationship, and now theyre gone and im left here in this new city alone, across the world and with no friends
Now that this has happened, i know how to communicate for next time. I will ask a man why he is pursuing me just to turn around and change his mind later cause I don’t have time to waste.
I think I did it. I questioned him regarding him going with a girl friend that I don't meet to have dinner and watch a show. He told me this after. He was mad because I said it doesn't set on me well that his dine that. He said how could I don't trust him and he told me I am not a good partner since I can't support him. I know I should not ask him about it but he told me I can open up what I feel and think about him without judgement but his mad. He pursued me the whole time. Now that I fall in love and every time we have problems he always wants a break or space. And I begged and so desperate on that night but I went no contact for 9 days now. I am so badly hurt I couldn't sleep or eat for days.
Im 40 years old and bettering myself physically i changed my nutrition and only eat fish and certain seafood for moral and ethical reasons im cutting out carbs and sugar. I think fasting helps to when i eat healthy i feel more confident and have better focus and mental clarity as well as confident. I think rejection still hurts sometimes because if its a girl you want yet dont know but looks attractive it can sting haha but the way i had women and get women is being confident and just telling myself rejection is no big deal. Especially if its a girl thats really attractive im like i want her and im going for it and if i get rejected so what lol let rejection fuel your inner 🔥.
I feel like this was made for me. She wanted me and was insecure at first and i did reassure her but i guess i wasnt convincing. When she talked to me about issues id get defensive over the opening statements before she could get to the message. I thought things were getting better because we had less issues to talk about but she was backing away from me learning im not able to talk. The way she brought it up was never the best but i still have a lot of the blame.we almost broke up over it like 4 times but i guess i didnt take it seriously.. She actually dumped me and i begged and pleaded, stayed silent for 7 days and sent 2 messages. One was a pretty desperate act for some form of closure or hope that its not 100% over and the second one was a sincere thorough apology focusing on how i understand her hurt. I desperately dont want to lose her, shes 1 in a billion to me. But now i think ive done all i can do so do i just focus on myself and my therapy and wait and pray?
We got back together for a few months and in the end it was worse than it was before. This time I made sure to make more of the effort she needed and it just never ended. She wanted more, and more and more. Would not let go of resentments, her insecurity was always top priority. Completely unable to acknowledge her part in anything or it was "so it's all my fault"? She wanted to have free reign all times of the day to be bringing stuff up with 0 context of how things even got there. Even starting combining things because it was so long her memory would rewrite how she thought it happened
After 2 years and a nasty break up idk what to feel. 2 days later we talked she try to friendzone me which of course I said no thank you. Yet she still texts me to check on me or to tell me how her day was. I don't reach out at all and honestly with school work and gym I have like no time to hangout. But I do love her. Idk where to go from here.
Absolutely - and I will mention Coach Lee is really hitting on great content for that area in terms of saving a marriage or reconciling from long term breakups as well as maintaining the relationship you're in. My next video is on this topic but he has multiple high quality vids on this now at Coach Lee's channel
@@CoachKen thank you so much, your videos have soothed my pain by giving me a strategy. I was overcome with anxiety and doubt and suspicion and it made my ex feel her freedom was threatened and I still don’t know if she was telling the truth idk to belive my anxiety or just trust that she was telling the truth and I was seeing the behaviors wrong , NC for almost two months and she has watched my stories on ig
I messed up start of march. Drunk fight. We spoke for a week then. I done no contact for a week. After being blocked on everthing. Rang on private a week later still asked me to leave alone as I couldnt of changed in a week. Text her next day off another number. Said leave alone. So today it one month. I reached out on private n she hung up on when she heard my voice. I Prob seem like pyscho, I just wanted to make it right. I feel quite comfy alone but just wanted to try again as i believe she was so special. But i truly messed it all up now
Everything that could go wrong in the heavenly experience I had in my last relationship?.. Did go wrong and it ended up in hell. I believe my ex had BPD. I've never experienced such a deep sadness for someone. It truly was a very painful experience.
Day 41 of no contact , i did pleading and somewhat begging in the beginning messaging everywhere that's what let to the downfall i think,i was blocked so i blew up her phone with another number(10-14 calls) total around 30-40 calls ( adding my personal number and the other number ) still hurts i think they are done with me forever 39 days damn
80% of breakups are initiated by women. Thats was some article about breakups in America… which means, you can always expect from woman to wake up one day , and say “ i want divorce or breakup”, just because “ she felt one way” ????!!!! “ because she felt” Thats basic woman behaviour, biology… you can not do nothing about it… Just move on and never ever chase woman who decided to leave you. Because at that moment she could choose tens of other solutions but she chose to leave someone without real problem… ( if that situation is involved )
@CoachKen do any of your clients ever describe a "situationship", rather than a traditional relationship? I want to book a session with you because I've watched roughly 30 hrs of your videos in the last 3 days and it all resonates so much to what I'm going through, but my "other" and I have never been in an official relationship because of a hand full of variables.
She flipped it probably not intentionally . She finally realised You were not meeting her needs . For Her to return this will require a grand gesture on Your part , true change to show Her You really do value and appreciate Her If You don’t let Her be free
@@OlderWomenRock I had a girl leave, she does have some abandonment issues, and i didnt provide her reassurance that she was looking for. Not big things, i spent all my time with her but she hadn't met my parents, i hadn't told her i loved her (she hadn't done those things either) treated her like a queen in all other areas. Her anxiety built up, all she had to do is talk about it with me - i was just following her lead. But she left - it was super fucking emotional for both of us - she was so hurt. I tried to take all accountability for missing signs, i tried hard at one week, then 7 weeks, then reached out at 4 months again but i didn't get a reply after telling her i still have feelings for her. It's been 9 months now, not a peep from her. She was in a really bad spot - shit job, really struggling with life so i think she just needs to deal with that on her own. But i'd love to reach out to her and just let her know i care about her and hope she is well. I still think about her every hour of the day.
Don't chase if she doesn't want to talk - it doesn't prove love once they tell you to stay away as much as it usually communicates desperation which is not attractive.
I dated a bpd chick for 5 yrs off and on. I would leave early on when she was insufferable and couldn’t understand her behavior. I told her we could have it all if she didn’t flip the fuck out on me so frequently. So it would blow up then I would miss a girl I knew before her, which made a vicious cycle of her being upset about that. But I was honest. Really I was committed to her the whole time romantically. She saw probably 10 other guys during the times we broke up. By 6 months to 1 yr in just really started to love her on a deeper level she needs er really believed until way later. Anyway, we both moved to a superficial city for our careers. She has done well over the last while advancing her career. She ended up cheating on me a breaking up with me after I went on tour. Before that we were doing really good. Was kind of like a thing where she wanted me, but she’d freak out and I’d quit in the past. Thing is last two years since we been in the new city she would criticize the way I dress and that I don’t have a lot of money and other endless nags, hinting at she’d leave me if I didn’t change. Thing is I tried to change for her my clothes be more sensitive to what she wanted. It was never enough. It also seemed like the things she wanted me to change were partially what she liked about me in the beginning. I also have an addiction she cited. I’m trying to quit. But I really believe if she had supported me emotionally more like I did her o wouldn’t have abused the drug to such a degree. I know it was doomed from the start. But damn she got me hooked and flipped… literal siren on earth. Miss her and love her.. so fucked up in my head
Deep breath - it usually takes longer than the 30 - 90 days and it will feel hopeless and darker than a normal breakup - BPD breakups are some of the most brutal because you go from euphoric and intoxicating to devastated - and the reasons can many times seem so inconsistent or illogical, esp if they start to demonize and devalue
Did i mess up if i begged for like 2 months. We just went NC and the reason i begged is because she kept bread crumbing. I sent a final message explaining how I acted in the relationship and i was never ready to be in a relationship and im sorry
If your ex dumps you because she lost a family member her mother and u was in a temporary LDR and she breaks up with you because of others like her dad and friends and since then she becomes someone else can these types of break ups be saved? we haven't spoken in 7 weeks we now live in separate countries. At first she was saying i want to be single and be with my friends who was there for her when she was grieving her lost. Can a person change so much that it will make them not want the relationship they had? I was so good to her and she discarded me like i was some piece of trash.
Some people when they break up or just have a no contact time out. Seem to go back to the same old habits of fantasising that they are right and good and all is well. But i know they're are really only doing it to push away shame and painful feelings and not wanting to be real and accept well maybe i did take so much for granted. Maybe im am stubborn in my juvenile habits cos thats how mum and dad put up with me and accept, as im broken so she my girlfriend should too. And i always expect someone to rescue me, and if i don't get rescued in the way i want then I'll make sure i devalue them and the whole situation more, so i can feel good about myself. But that never really works so I'll go back to fantasy. What advise do you have for that type of thinking in a man?
@coachken My now ex wife uncle death anniversary and her grand mother passing are this week and next.. I'm in limited contact because we have kids.. should I reach out or stay in no contact??
I have a question my wife left about 9 weeks ago we still have to talk most all by text we have bills we have 2 animals I took one to the vet today we text 3 or 4 times I did at first do all the wrong things texting begging asking why we have been together 17 years and married 13.5 years My question is how do I handle the no contact when we have to have some contact she won’t answer any personal questions but only you know our business questions and I have gotten that way with her just business questions but man it is hard because I feel I really am about to text her the whys what did I do are you coming back but I am trying to be strong and not go there any advise
Can someone please do a video on an ex NOT wanting to be friends! Ex is avoidant (Fa/da) and we were best friends....but he blocked me and ignored me and doesn't want to be friends?
So when do you send the owning the mistake message. We just ended things 3 days ago and entered NC. Do I send it now or have to wait until I may hear back?
If you were the one who legitimately caused it, the best time to share that apology and own it is the same moment you realize it - just don't chase that apology with a herd of them. It weakens and lessens the impact instead of reinforcing it
Hey Coach i have a Problem me and my ex (she broke up with me) were long distance i love her and she said when she broke up that she loves me but that she has so much going on rn (she is in her last year of studies) she also told me that she would not want to date anyone in that time period because she wants to focus on her studies. She is coming over to my country in August for a work thing and she said she wants no contact until then. I am not sure how i should go about that if i should hold out hope because she said she would want to wait with us or if i should just move on i am aware that there are no garuentees in a relationship but i am just very anxious at times. I still love her a lot. Please help!
Is no contact still the best chance of getting them back after they’ve left you? The other person felt numb and unheard and I did not act at the right time. In the end when I did, she left saying it was too late.
I initiated the breakup in the heat of the moment during an argument. My ex agreed to the breakup but then I regretted it instantly the day after but my ex didn’t want to get back together even after I tried to talk him back into it and profusely apologised. It’s been 4 months of no contact. Should I be the one to reach out first? Please let me know 🙏
@@kkdream99 I agree it’s a weird situation. I apologised immediately and i tried to talk him back into it. I don’t know if I should reach out now that it’s been four months
If you apologized sincerely and owned the mistake then I wouldn't follow that apology with multiple attempts. It doesn't prove the level of your regret as much as it frames you as someone unable to live without her and can drain attraction further. If she does want to talk about it then you can own the mistake and let her know your apology was and still is sincere but don't try to chase her down with repeated attempts to prove your regret
Coach ken, the thing is I didn't find your videos sooner and I have already over apologized and asked them for a second chance to the limits. I realise that I was being selfish by asking for a second chance but what do I do now? I am already 1 month into no contact. Last time I genuinely asked forgiveness and told them that I will love them forever and now I will never reach out to her. What should I do? Should I break no contact and tell her that I am sorry I was being selfish to ask for second chance?
should I break no contact to apologize? it has been 3 weeks of no contact, the breakup was a month ago. He has said that we might be able to be together in the future but I know not to expect this
after 6 months NC he started liking my photos and watching my stories, then he wrote that he was missing everything , but didn’t want to change anything. Why did he write this? I made a huge mistake and answered him that if he doesn’t want to change anything, it means there’s nothing to miss and that if he loved me, he would do everything to preserve the relationship and that I agree, that it fijn tis way. He didn’t answered..He keeps watching my stories...What should I do? Did I ruin everything with my answer? Please help…
We were together for 2 years. We were about to move in… But she complained I didn’t have enough money saved. I always struggled with money. My job cut my hours but I feel like it’s my fault. I wasn’t the best boyfriend and I had a bad temper and I can’t stop beating myself up. Now I feel like I pushed her away and she removed me from the lease and moved into our apartment without me and immediately signed up for dating apps… I’m devastated… I feel completely replaced. Her family never liked me, and said I’m never going to be able to provide for her. I can’t help but feel they are happy she left me. I feel tossed away like trash.
Wow - yes, I know that feeling - being replaced so quickly and then having to watch them almost feel excitement at the prospect of life without you. Stay strong - let me know if I can help.
I didn't see a price of how much 1 session would be until after I paid for it. I have my reasons for why I did not want to continue with the session. Are you really going to keep $140 or whatever the huge amount was from me when I didn't even get the service? That is basically stealing. Since you won't reply to my private emails, I guess I have to try and contact you like this. You told me that you WOULD refund my money how many months ago. Be a man of your word.
@@CoachKen we had a session with you back in August. I told you story about BPD girl of 10 years. It turned out to be monkey branching, I just didn't know about at that moment.
He said it wasn’t my fault . He said it was lack of time and distance was against Him He said He was Happy being on His own that His lifestyle wasn’t conducive for a relationship I took this as meaning , He wasn’t that into Me I didn’t trust that His reasons are the truth No matter how many times He insisted it was lack of time
I wouldn't trust that either - all of those things are obstacles people are willing to deal with when the attraction is high enough. I'd give him the break up and the weight of your absence. Let him see you're strong enough to walk away and see how his ego deals with a real sense of loss - it also gives you time to remember your own high worth without him
@@CoachKenTrust me, some times the struggle is real. Very real. Specially when you find a "soulmate", so to speak, but not in your very best moment and you want them to be happy. The contradicition is very tragic.
@@CoachKenthat’s what I’m doing , I haven’t contacted Him I doubt if He will care at this stage No doubt just relief He has a big ego Very good Looking Man all of his life , tall , full head of hair at 76 , charming ( when it suits Him ) so He has always had a lot of choice I’m pretty sure He thinks He can do better Maybe for Him He will Still I’m a catch for the right Guy He hasn’t decided my worth
@coachken My now ex wife uncle death anniversary and her grand mother passing are this week and next.. I'm in limited contact because we have kids.. should I reach out or stay in no contact??
My wife left after 11 years and raising my 3 kids with me from a previous marriage. Wonderful mother. My best friend, and then out of nowhere, says she doesnt want to be together. Crush on a co-worker, who is 2 years older than our oldest son. Not reciprocated, limerence because he listens to her. Our intimacy was wonderful til the day she left. Moved in with her father. Has not reached out in ten weeks to me or kids, other than sending them a birthday gift. Attended two school concerts but physically hid under a hoodie at one, and ran out at the end. Totally opposite from the years of concerts and school functions. All I sense is fear of facing me, and guilt and shame towards the kids. Been taking Coach Lee's strategic contact for 2 months, still waiting. Moving on but keeping hope she doesn't just never come back to us. Just so bizarre, her behavior
This is my exact scenario! My ex is 40. Could possibly be hormones. Just focus on being the best version of yourself, and do it for you!
Hang in there!
@@trevorstevenson4772 Same to you. Bizarre! Today would be our 8th marriage anniversary, 11 since we've been together. No contact is definitely making it easier. Hormones are definitely a possibility here as well, or a midlife crisis of some kind; identity issue, something like that. We got this!
She's likely the type to just take longer to process and act - Took years to lose the connection but the kids and length of time together are significant connections. What's the latest - and apologies for taking a while to see this
@@CoachKen @CoachKen I wrote her an email one month after this happened. She responded, but very impersonally. I went true no contact after, and did not reach out on our anniversary in April. I did sent a financial letter a week later, which she ignored. She then filed for divorce at the end of April and I have heard nothing from her other than that. She finally after 4 months sent a letter to the kids, the first being really all about her. Implying that there were things the kids didn't know about. There weren't however. The kids were pretty hurt by it.
Since then she has sent another letter which was a little bit better about the kids, and sent them a hand-drawn picture of each of them. I've been struggling with not trying to find out what she's doing but I have seen some posts that she has made online in a subreddit for lonely people. It's just baffling because we were best friends up until that day. I've been told it sounds as if she could be BPD, and I'm probably codependent. I've really struggled with it, as I absolutely loved her, and still do. However, she abandoned all of us, including even her pets, one of which is a 14 year old dog she's had longer than she even knew me. I struggle the most with not having any connection to speak to her and we are just completely done despite over a decade of every moment together. I have a drawer of hand written love letters from her, we would write daily to each other up to this happening. One I found from a year ago talks about how Being married to me was like winning the lottery and how she can't believe she was so lucky to be my wife. It was like that up until the day she left and said all this
@@osneelthats so messed up, wtf is wrong with people 😭
7 year relationship, she was my world. I did mess up and was too much of a doofus to put the real work in. If I'm honest, I was stuck and afraid, and wrestled with insecurities from my childhood. I became a dead man walking for a really long time, all through the pandemic was a pain beyond description. 4 years later I'm still riding the ghost train, but I'm not the man I was. I have grown in every way possible to such a high degree that it astounds even me. I have upped my game in everything, my emotional maturity, my education, my career, my ability to love completely, my mental resources and I am (surprisingly to me) everything I ever could be. I didn't hook up with anyone throughout this whole time, I hooked up and put the effort into me, like I should have done way back then. There was only her, there is only her for me, but I built a world of love and safety should she ever come back. You're the boss coach Ken, you've helped me a lot x
My 7 year relationship just ended too. I ignored her pleas and never took action. This one genuinely is on me.
What you just wrote, is word for word how I was. Its almost like I wrote this. Keep it up, stay strong. (I miss them but it is what it is.)
@@SpyOnDecksame
Huge respect for you! I hope u all the best💪❤️
Same here man all that’s keeping me going is my relationship with God and hopefully one day he’ll bring us back together if not then I’ll be a much better caring communicative and calm man . I did a lot of growing we’ve been broken up for 2 months now 1 month N.C God bless the broken hearted but like you said it’s genuinely on us even though we thought that they would never leave . Good luck fellas
The part about them chasing you and then not wanting you anymore once they have you, is so messed up. My ex chased me for months and blinsided me once he had me. The reason why I was so hesitant is because I didn't want something like this to happen but it did. Funny how life works sometimes. It hurt more than any other break up I've had in the past.
I just don't understand people like him who chase limerence and have this juvenile way of thinking but then again, the relationship ending is probably for the best and would've never had a future anyway. It just shows me that they were never sincere in the first place. Thank you for another great video!
Married for 30yrs, 3 wonderful children, thought we had something special. She started pulling away 2 yrs ago. I did everything I could both good and bad. Looking back she told me over and over that she was wanting me to change. I thought i was enough. I apologized, chased, and said things I regret. I know that what I have been doing doesn’t work. Please listen and pay attention and don’t take them for granted. Every body deserves the best you can give them.
Sounds like she took you for granted bro, if she wanted you to change.
I’m mourning the bond we shared it made me feel like a whole person to know someone always cared about me and held me with them when I was away. Knowing that’s gone hurts it feels like I lost a piece of me. I gave that bond a lot of value and loved and trusted her with everything I had. Really sad
I'm sorry youre going through that Joshua
I miss him. I still love him and I never thought I'd walk away but unfortunately he gave me no choice. I hope I was able to give him a glimpse of what real love could be. I hope he heals.
Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone blind to the issues is give them enough pain from losing you to wake up and change
@@CoachKen agree100%
What a nice way to break someone....so nice.
Would you take him back if he did the apology like Coach suggested?
Im in the same situation right now. Our last evening was beautifu thol. We cried a lot together, but i had to let him go, because there was nothing I could have done more to change his mind after he expresses to me that he couldnt see me as a long term partner 😔
The point you said about them seeing you as such a prize, saying phrases like out of league, too good to be true hit home. That was mine spot on and when I started to show mutual appreciation, in hindsight the change slipping away became clear from then. I hadn’t thought of it until now😢
My girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me 2 months ago because i wasn't there emotionally. Too busy with work and other priorities. I really love her and want to work things out together. Ive been going to counselling to work on issues from my childhood. I called her this week to see what her intentions are long term. Shes afraid to jump back in because she wants to make sure im serious about fixing myself. She suggested a year apart. I dont know how to take that... I really love her, but afraid she's going to find someone else
That's a tough one brother. Keep us updated. Praying for your relationship, however it may turn out 🙏 and all issues you're addressing through therapy 👊
She’s moved on to another guy just stop kidding yourself and move on . Girls don’t ever leave until they have someone else lined up . Sorry
@@robturner7024 nah. He has a chance. We all do. My ex came back after 2 months no contact and had jumped straight into a rebound relationship
Did your ex ever reach out to you???
@archangelelmo yes, we're trying to make things work
exceptional video Ken. describes my situation. had 4 calls with you over 7 months since labor break up. Don't think shes coming back but I'm moving forward. Highly suggest booking a call with Ken. Best coach on YT
Thanks Meigi - Good to hear from you again!
I was going to merry her. 4 months before the wedding, she stated that its not worth it to be together because she is not happy. So she left. I got angry and told her to leave my home. I got into no contact without begging. 15 days later, she called to get some shoes, but after seven days . But actually, she said she wanted to talk. I waited like a puppy for 7 days. Then she texted that she couldn't make it that day. She will come the next day. She called we made a date, but never came. I got mad and just told her i will get her stuff and never call again. I got her stuff and told her that this was a game for her. An ego boost. If a person cares for my feelings, shouldn't she be punctual and at least come to his senses and think how his actions affect the other person.
Finally! You’re back coach Ken!! ❤Waaay too long between vids!!
Agreed!!! So glad to see him again!! ❤
True - 2024 has been ehhhh yuck but be back next week and getting back on track
This channel helped me so much over the last 17 months as I went through an extraordinarily painful divorce with a cluster b woman. Your videos made a lot of sense to me, pierced through the pain and helped me calm down during the most painful moments. Thank you, Ken.
That means so much to read Dex! Thank you for sharing that! Mental man hug!
I think I'm experiencing this level of pain as an ADHD person, and have for most of 2024. And she made it worse by coming back after first NC then leaving again in a bad way. I did a last letter and text that discussed her pain, what she needed, and articulated what I need to work on myself. I don't know what else to do? And I'll go through first holiday season without her in 4 years.
Anyway, from everything I've done for self help this year, nobody is able to articulate these things as well as Coach Ken and Coach Lee. God Bless, Coach Ken.
Been looking for this topic everywhere!
Thank you coach Ken!
I abused my power and i lost him 😢 he doesnt look at me the same anymore. i used to be all his world. He would only see me and now he is gone.
To my defense, my needs were far from being met there were always excuses since we are both parents to our own children . (9 years together with nothing to show for!) felt like dating for years. Nothing done together.
Fast forward to this 3rd break i found out what pain i caused him with things i said over the years so I tried everything to undo the damage. Apologized and tried to be more positive and loving but he changed from sweet and loving to a different person. And now i looked less attractive. And it hurt. It burns.
We would talk and meet but he was otherwise unreachable he stopped touching me i think bc he met a girl while we were broken up. She is in love with him. He told me about her but said he wants to be alone to heal.
I had to end it bc i didnt want to stay friends like suggested. So he sent a goodbye text and how much i meant to him and that i will always have a place in his heart. Im in the pits of hell. Jealous and anxious.
3 weeks NC
This exact situation happened to me last week. She pursued me, told me right up to the day she left how lucky she was. Then out of the blue told me she hadn’t been happy for a while now and left. In hindsight I can see she did try to tell me but I didn’t take it seriously enough and thought I had time to fix it. 5 years together gone. I haven’t pleaded or begged but have acknowledged my part in the break up. I have tried to go no contact but she keeps texting me saying she misses me and loves me. I have said I am open to a conversation about our relationship but she doesn’t want this so I am very confused.
Going thru it myself. My wife wanted me, my time, my compassion, understanding, and respect. I work so much and so hard to make the money she doesn’t care about. She cared about me…
I'm in the same boat, friend. 3 months seperated of a 14 year relationship.
Coach Ken, I’m in this exact situation. I feel the apologies I gave weren’t enough right before we mutually agreed to go into no contact. I was angry, I was hurt, I didn’t articulate and let him know that I understood and care about his feelings like he was asking me to all along. I apologized but I’m sure I sounded just as self absorbed as he’s been thinking I am because it seemed like maybe I was just doing it to get him back or because my regret was eating at me but no, I did it because I truly do care about his feelings and for some reason I didn’t take it very seriously and couldn’t change when he needed me to. I’m on day 3 of no contact and all I can think about is all of my mistakes and my guilt and shame because he no longer thinks i’m a good person .. I really want this relationship back and I was trying to improve myself towards the end of our relationship but yes it was too late because he had already checked out. I’m really worried he won’t ever come back. I can’t think of a reason he would now and it’s true that my guilt, shame and regret has been eating me up though I have many people around me that try and build my confidence back up now like my family and friends but right before he left he laid out all my mistakes and so it’s hard to feel any better because I know he just used to think I was so great and he’s the kindest most sweetest boy I’ve ever met. He had me on a pedestal the whole time, even when he was hurting ..and so for him to get fed up with me is very very serious.. We were together 1 year and 2 months and we broke up on Tuesday. Started no contact on Friday night, now its monday. I’m not sure that no contact will work because if he got so fed up why would he want to come back? but I’m trying to hold out because he’s the only one I want .. He was the first person to meet all of my family. We had so many firsts together. I was the first one to meet his parents but. I’m not sure that his mom likes me much anymore and he told his closest cousins about our breakup. it makes this feel all the more permanent. I could use some advice.
Man, this is probably the most insightful video about this topic i've ever watched or listen to. This is magnifique! You are much more articulate than many psychologists of fame, who write books and are very well known. May be they also understand and own what you have said in this video but the fashion in which they describe this issue, or how they try to explain some of the things at the very core of these problems, seem plain, simple, superficial. You have described all the situations involved deeply and to their very foundations.
Thank you so much Maelstrom! Appreciate the encouragement and very kind words!
Wow! When Coach said, as soon as we were ready to match their commitment, they left. My exact situation. Ouch 💔
Those hurt more because it hits out of nowhere! Sorry you're going through it
You are so wonderfully analytical. The only coach that breaks down all aspects . Gives much food for thought
I’ve considered how would I have felt if my ex started to express how much he wanted Me , that He loved Me
I wasn’t sure of my answer . I sometimes questioned if I honestly wanted Him even though it felt like I did
I wondered if it was more so my anxious attachment
yep that was me... 7 years married then gut punch.
Hey coach you really helped me with the break up. I thought I wasn’t the bad guy but I did and you helped me see that. I understand now how I was to my ex and I apologised with strength. I’m now more understanding and more comfortable to be vulnerable to people and just more empathetic.
Wow this video is exactly my situation and I can’t thank you enough 🙏 it been 5 weeks my ex broke up with me and i have started the NC for almost 3 weeks. She has been bread-crumbing in those 3 weeks but I have been trying not to fall for it until she finally reach out. I know she loves me and I love her too but she’s confused.
so I guess I have to let her go and to go find herself while I keep on doing me, if it’s meant to be it will be. for now NC till I hopefully heal and move on at some point if she dosnt come back🙏
Thank you for this video the apology starting on 10:53 is very valuable and teaches a lot.
@CoachKen absolutely on point. 🎯shaken to my core and zero understanding of what went wrong. He even assured me I did nothing wrong. Everything you describe is so what need to hear. Thank you. ❤️
You are describing my whole situation 😢 unreal
So sorry you're going through it! Stay strong
This is me
I fucked up
Took her for granted
Yelled screamed thru plates of food. I'm a child
Begged and begged now FOR MONTHS.
I'm guilty and it shows.
how are you mate? i was in the same situation and did the same thing to her and she broke up,then i begged, we started seeing again, go out, she would say she loves me she misses me etc but then 1day she told me that she tried but her feelings aren’t the same anymore. i know i shouldn’t contact her but i need to, coz she still has her stuff at my place.
The scenario you described in this video is exactly my situation. I was the one being pursued, I took her for granted, etc... She broke up with me out of nowhere due to my emotional issues that she has constantly told me to work on throughout our relationship that I of course, did not work on. I feel like a fool. Since the breakup I took a deep look at myself and have been actively making the changes she said I needed to make. I wrote to her, apologizing, taking accountability, explaining how I am taking steps to change, and expressing gratitude for our long relationship. I DID NOT BEG OR ASK FOR ANOTHER CHANCE! I also did not really explain how I felt, it was more about how she felt and how I hurt her.
I'm glad you made this video because it confirms I did the right things. The only thing left to do is keep improving and be that better partner she always wanted me to be either with her, or with someone new. I'm not going to break NC, but if we do get back together, oh man I'm gonna be the best partner EVER!
Wow wow wow, this feels like I typed this word for word dammn. This is exactly what I’m going through and I know if we ever get back together the relationship would be magical and she’s knows this but for now sticking to NC and I ain’t breaking it either
did she return
@@Burning_the_toast Nope she never said a word to me. I'm in a new relationship now though and all is well. I'm a lot better of a partner than I used to be.
CONFUSED. My x and I didn't really break up. Parted ways after an argument. Think he has childhood trauma and an over involved mom. I'm in NO Contact since 2/23.
Family can be a challenge if they aren't willing to choose the partner over family pressure
Wow relate. But no contact for 2 weeks love his mum though.
@CoachKen mom makes it very hard. He's an only child, and she lays massive guilt trips on him. His dad committed suicide approx. 30 years ago. She lays the abandoned mom card on him. It is the most emmeshed co depebded relationship I've ever seen. He even wanted to take her on a date with us shortly after reconnecting the previous separation. He is immature and doesn't really think critically. Black and white. Sweetest nerd, I know, too. I have no idea what to think of him. PTSD, BPD, Trauma????? Very confusing. I have been an ICU/RN for 20 years. I'm pretty good at figuring things out and have a deep emotional connection to people. It is kinda my RN superpower, lol. I'll talk to you on April 18th at 1200 Coach Ken. It's a pickle of a situation 😆 Your amazing, and I appreciate your time and attention. Thank you for being you.
@acfiTraining funny thing is I actually got along with her. I don't have that emotional bond to her, so it doesn't bother me when she starts BS, lol. I am not fond of the way she treats him at times because I love him and hate to see him hurt. I advise him to draw some healthy boundaries and maybe talk to a counselor. He is 53 years old and has never lived more than 6 months straight without her. Yup...he lives with his mom. 😳. She's very independent so it's not as if he needs to take care of her. Not at all. Very odd situation indeed. Wish me luck.
The over involved mom is a huge red flag , it's like your in the relationship with her to, lol. I've been there too,it doesn't work lol Hang in there !!
It’s been 3 months after i wanted to reach out for closure a month after the initial breakup. I was smoking all the time during the relationship and i wasn’t emotionally present, afraid of vulnerability and acting passive aggressive like purposely waiting for her to reach out to me first when i could have easily started conversations. Also turned a bit too needy towards the end as i felt her pulling away which i think made it worse. I don’t blame her at all. I do wish for a second chance but i have been focusing on myself and know that reaching out even to apologize is not the right move. I feel a lot better and more in tune (healed) since I’ve stopped smoking and i just hope that she gets to see this new me one day. If not then so be it
Hi Ken,
I watched one of your other videos from about a year ago- it was the one about cheating I think- so my situation is a little different. My baby daddy and I have been together for 10 years on & off, we both are 26 so you can imagine all the growing & history we have had to go through. We ended up having our daughter a little over 3 years ago. We lived together for 2 of those years and I decided to break our lease because there was some form of emotional abuse & belittling. We both ended up living back at our parents (which are only one block from each other since we grew up together, we went to elementary & high school together). So since December 2022 we have not lived together but have been working on our relationship. There has been a lot of resentment o his behalf in 2023 due to him thinking I tore our family apart - I totally understand how he feels & I have tried my best to help with these feelings, I too have many regrets & guilt for my decision but also think it was necessary for my mental health. The second half of 2023 it was getting better when he moved into his best friend & wife’s house but we still had many up & downs.
I only dated him for 5/6 weeks and yet he took a lot from me (emotionally). He said he needed a “pause” from us and yet he started dating someone else… And yet he’s watching all of my Instagram stories. Sometimes almost immediately. He wished me a happy birthday two weeks ago, and I thanked him but he hasn’t replied since. It feels almost like he’s two-timing, because I know I wouldn’t like it if the guy I was dating watched every Instagram story from a girl he went on dates with as well as wishing her a happy birthday.
We didn’t even fight, actually he did something horrible to me but I just accepted it. He just broke it off one day with his excuse being that he’s an avoidant. I’m trying to detach from all this while trying to give him forgiveness as well. I just don’t know what he’s even thinking.
i was a jerk took her for granded and now i suffer .. lesson learned..nc for me now..time to heal and who knows...
Exactly where I’m at
Coach Lee is good but you are also! Yes! Thank you so much! It takes a lot of time not to copy information but really understand the depth of the situation from within your mind. In this video you demonstrate you can even though you are not in the situation yourself.
Thank you - have been there before - the memory of the pain sticks with you even when you get through it
Thank you coach ken
Thanks Moises!
This is my situation right now... dated this girl for a year and didn't get her the love she needed. I thought I would always have her. I moved to her city and we were together just like before for the first week then suddenly she said she only wants to be friends... and despite that she didn't hit me up for 2 weeks and when I did she said she can't meet up right now cause she's still hurt by actions from the past.
I was emotionally spoiled and never thought they would leave. Like Coach ken said they kept pushing for an official relationship, and now theyre gone and im left here in this new city alone, across the world and with no friends
Updates any??
Dude I don’t know how I stumbled on your channel, but you are so spot on and down to earth. Love your content !
Looking forward to it
Thanks Nate!
so glad I turned my friend on to your channel. Your monthly zoom coaching calls help to keep her sane through no contact!! God bless you, brother!
Man this is on a deeper level, and so spot on. Thank you so much for this, it helped.
Glad it was helpful! Thanks Ahmed
Now that this has happened, i know how to communicate for next time. I will ask a man why he is pursuing me just to turn around and change his mind later cause I don’t have time to waste.
I think I did it. I questioned him regarding him going with a girl friend that I don't meet to have dinner and watch a show. He told me this after. He was mad because I said it doesn't set on me well that his dine that. He said how could I don't trust him and he told me I am not a good partner since I can't support him. I know I should not ask him about it but he told me I can open up what I feel and think about him without judgement but his mad. He pursued me the whole time. Now that I fall in love and every time we have problems he always wants a break or space. And I begged and so desperate on that night but I went no contact for 9 days now. I am so badly hurt I couldn't sleep or eat for days.
Best info I've ever had. Thanks
Im 40 years old and bettering myself physically i changed my nutrition and only eat fish and certain seafood for moral and ethical reasons im cutting out carbs and sugar. I think fasting helps to when i eat healthy i feel more confident and have better focus and mental clarity as well as confident. I think rejection still hurts sometimes because if its a girl you want yet dont know but looks attractive it can sting haha but the way i had women and get women is being confident and just telling myself rejection is no big deal. Especially if its a girl thats really attractive im like i want her and im going for it and if i get rejected so what lol let rejection fuel your inner 🔥.
That's impressive! Finding strength from pain is easy to set for a goal but not the most common reality for many people
Thanks coach one day we'll chat
Look forward to it!
Thank you Ken for the great work you do
Thank you Degen! (and cool name)
Thank you
This is one of the most valuable videos I’ve watched to help me understand and heal
Thank you
I feel like this was made for me. She wanted me and was insecure at first and i did reassure her but i guess i wasnt convincing. When she talked to me about issues id get defensive over the opening statements before she could get to the message. I thought things were getting better because we had less issues to talk about but she was backing away from me learning im not able to talk. The way she brought it up was never the best but i still have a lot of the blame.we almost broke up over it like 4 times but i guess i didnt take it seriously.. She actually dumped me and i begged and pleaded, stayed silent for 7 days and sent 2 messages. One was a pretty desperate act for some form of closure or hope that its not 100% over and the second one was a sincere thorough apology focusing on how i understand her hurt. I desperately dont want to lose her, shes 1 in a billion to me. But now i think ive done all i can do so do i just focus on myself and my therapy and wait and pray?
Any updates?
We got back together for a few months and in the end it was worse than it was before. This time I made sure to make more of the effort she needed and it just never ended. She wanted more, and more and more. Would not let go of resentments, her insecurity was always top priority. Completely unable to acknowledge her part in anything or it was "so it's all my fault"? She wanted to have free reign all times of the day to be bringing stuff up with 0 context of how things even got there. Even starting combining things because it was so long her memory would rewrite how she thought it happened
THANK YOU you are the best..so insightful..
You are so welcome
After 2 years and a nasty break up idk what to feel. 2 days later we talked she try to friendzone me which of course I said no thank you. Yet she still texts me to check on me or to tell me how her day was. I don't reach out at all and honestly with school work and gym I have like no time to hangout. But I do love her. Idk where to go from here.
25 years. Yep.
Can we have more videos of how we should make our relationships healthy and real
Absolutely - and I will mention Coach Lee is really hitting on great content for that area in terms of saving a marriage or reconciling from long term breakups as well as maintaining the relationship you're in. My next video is on this topic but he has multiple high quality vids on this now at Coach Lee's channel
@@CoachKen thank you so much, your videos have soothed my pain by giving me a strategy. I was overcome with anxiety and doubt and suspicion and it made my ex feel her freedom was threatened and I still don’t know if she was telling the truth idk to belive my anxiety or just trust that she was telling the truth and I was seeing the behaviors wrong , NC for almost two months and she has watched my stories on ig
This helped me so much, thank you!
I messed up start of march. Drunk fight. We spoke for a week then. I done no contact for a week. After being blocked on everthing. Rang on private a week later still asked me to leave alone as I couldnt of changed in a week. Text her next day off another number. Said leave alone. So today it one month. I reached out on private n she hung up on when she heard my voice. I Prob seem like pyscho, I just wanted to make it right. I feel quite comfy alone but just wanted to try again as i believe she was so special. But i truly messed it all up now
Everything that could go wrong in the heavenly experience I had in my last relationship?.. Did go wrong and it ended up in hell. I believe my ex had BPD. I've never experienced such a deep sadness for someone. It truly was a very painful experience.
I think its the most confusing, incredible, painful, tormenting relationship you can experience
Day 41 of no contact , i did pleading and somewhat begging in the beginning messaging everywhere that's what let to the downfall i think,i was blocked so i blew up her phone with another number(10-14 calls) total around 30-40 calls ( adding my personal number and the other number ) still hurts i think they are done with me forever 39 days damn
I wish I could find this channel a little bit earlier 😢
Me too! I've already done a lot of the things coach suggests not to do 🤦
Same 💔
The hardest part is not knowing what went wrong. She just disappeared. Everything was going amazing.
Same here...never saw it coming
Borderline Personality disorder..
80% of breakups are initiated by women.
Thats was some article about breakups in America… which means, you can always expect from woman to wake up one day , and say “ i want divorce or breakup”, just because “ she felt one way”
????!!!! “ because she felt”
Thats basic woman behaviour, biology… you can not do nothing about it…
Just move on and never ever chase woman who decided to leave you.
Because at that moment she could choose tens of other solutions but she chose to leave someone without real problem… ( if that situation is involved )
@CoachKen do any of your clients ever describe a "situationship", rather than a traditional relationship? I want to book a session with you because I've watched roughly 30 hrs of your videos in the last 3 days and it all resonates so much to what I'm going through, but my "other" and I have never been in an official relationship because of a hand full of variables.
Labels can be overrated - attraction dynamics and principles exist inside and outside of those titles more than we realize
I also never broke up with my last x. He just assumed & I didn’t correct him when he mentioned it later
Me and my ex had lots if problems. She used to beg me to stay and I would. Now she's left and she won't even talk to me.
She flipped it probably not intentionally . She finally realised You were not meeting her needs . For Her to return this will require a grand gesture on Your part , true change to show Her You really do value and appreciate Her
If You don’t let Her be free
@@OlderWomenRock I had a girl leave, she does have some abandonment issues, and i didnt provide her reassurance that she was looking for. Not big things, i spent all my time with her but she hadn't met my parents, i hadn't told her i loved her (she hadn't done those things either) treated her like a queen in all other areas. Her anxiety built up, all she had to do is talk about it with me - i was just following her lead. But she left - it was super fucking emotional for both of us - she was so hurt. I tried to take all accountability for missing signs, i tried hard at one week, then 7 weeks, then reached out at 4 months again but i didn't get a reply after telling her i still have feelings for her.
It's been 9 months now, not a peep from her. She was in a really bad spot - shit job, really struggling with life so i think she just needs to deal with that on her own. But i'd love to reach out to her and just let her know i care about her and hope she is well. I still think about her every hour of the day.
Don't chase if she doesn't want to talk - it doesn't prove love once they tell you to stay away as much as it usually communicates desperation which is not attractive.
No! Grand gestures never work. @@OlderWomenRock
I dated a bpd chick for 5 yrs off and on. I would leave early on when she was insufferable and couldn’t understand her behavior. I told her we could have it all if she didn’t flip the fuck out on me so frequently. So it would blow up then I would miss a girl I knew before her, which made a vicious cycle of her being upset about that. But I was honest. Really I was committed to her the whole time romantically. She saw probably 10 other guys during the times we broke up. By 6 months to 1 yr in just really started to love her on a deeper level she needs er really believed until way later.
Anyway, we both moved to a superficial city for our careers. She has done well over the last while advancing her career. She ended up cheating on me a breaking up with me after I went on tour. Before that we were doing really good. Was kind of like a thing where she wanted me, but she’d freak out and I’d quit in the past. Thing is last two years since we been in the new city she would criticize the way I dress and that I don’t have a lot of money and other endless nags, hinting at she’d leave me if I didn’t change. Thing is I tried to change for her my clothes be more sensitive to what she wanted. It was never enough. It also seemed like the things she wanted me to change were partially what she liked about me in the beginning. I also have an addiction she cited. I’m trying to quit. But I really believe if she had supported me emotionally more like I did her o wouldn’t have abused the drug to such a degree. I know it was doomed from the start. But damn she got me hooked and flipped… literal siren on earth. Miss her and love her.. so fucked up in my head
Deep breath - it usually takes longer than the 30 - 90 days and it will feel hopeless and darker than a normal breakup - BPD breakups are some of the most brutal because you go from euphoric and intoxicating to devastated - and the reasons can many times seem so inconsistent or illogical, esp if they start to demonize and devalue
So true 😊
Did i mess up if i begged for like 2 months. We just went NC and the reason i begged is because she kept bread crumbing. I sent a final message explaining how I acted in the relationship and i was never ready to be in a relationship and im sorry
It just happened to me snd I have no idea why
If your ex dumps you because she lost a family member her mother and u was in a temporary LDR and she breaks up with you because of others like her dad and friends and since then she becomes someone else can these types of break ups be saved? we haven't spoken in 7 weeks we now live in separate countries. At first she was saying i want to be single and be with my friends who was there for her when she was grieving her lost. Can a person change so much that it will make them not want the relationship they had? I was so good to her and she discarded me like i was some piece of trash.
Some people when they break up or just have a no contact time out. Seem to go back to the same old habits of fantasising that they are right and good and all is well. But i know they're are really only doing it to push away shame and painful feelings and not wanting to be real and accept well maybe i did take so much for granted. Maybe im am stubborn in my juvenile habits cos thats how mum and dad put up with me and accept, as im broken so she my girlfriend should too. And i always expect someone to rescue me, and if i don't get rescued in the way i want then I'll make sure i devalue them and the whole situation more, so i can feel good about myself. But that never really works so I'll go back to fantasy. What advise do you have for that type of thinking in a man?
@coachken
My now ex wife uncle death anniversary and her grand mother passing are this week and next.. I'm in limited contact because we have kids.. should I reach out or stay in no contact??
@coachken are you nolonger doing videos only shorts.. and ab bpd for the most part?
I have a question my wife left about 9 weeks ago we still have to talk most all by text we have bills we have 2 animals I took one to the vet today we text 3 or 4 times
I did at first do all the wrong things texting begging asking why we have been together 17 years and married 13.5 years
My question is how do I handle the no contact when we have to have some contact she won’t answer any personal questions but only you know our business questions and I have gotten that way with her just business questions but man it is hard because I feel I really am about to text her the whys what did I do are you coming back but I am trying to be strong and not go there any advise
Can someone please do a video on an ex NOT wanting to be friends! Ex is avoidant (Fa/da) and we were best friends....but he blocked me and ignored me and doesn't want to be friends?
So when do you send the owning the mistake message. We just ended things 3 days ago and entered NC. Do I send it now or have to wait until I may hear back?
If you were the one who legitimately caused it, the best time to share that apology and own it is the same moment you realize it - just don't chase that apology with a herd of them. It weakens and lessens the impact instead of reinforcing it
Hey Coach i have a Problem me and my ex (she broke up with me) were long distance i love her and she said when she broke up that she loves me but that she has so much going on rn (she is in her last year of studies) she also told me that she would not want to date anyone in that time period because she wants to focus on her studies. She is coming over to my country in August for a work thing and she said she wants no contact until then. I am not sure how i should go about that if i should hold out hope because she said she would want to wait with us or if i should just move on i am aware that there are no garuentees in a relationship but i am just very anxious at times. I still love her a lot. Please help!
Coach Ken I need your help.
Is no contact still the best chance of getting them back after they’ve left you? The other person felt numb and unheard and I did not act at the right time. In the end when I did, she left saying it was too late.
I initiated the breakup in the heat of the moment during an argument. My ex agreed to the breakup but then I regretted it instantly the day after but my ex didn’t want to get back together even after I tried to talk him back into it and profusely apologised. It’s been 4 months of no contact. Should I be the one to reach out first? Please let me know 🙏
Maybe. But you apologised almost immediately so it’s a bit weird situation. I think you should try…
@@kkdream99 I agree it’s a weird situation. I apologised immediately and i tried to talk him back into it. I don’t know if I should reach out now that it’s been four months
If you apologized sincerely and owned the mistake then I wouldn't follow that apology with multiple attempts. It doesn't prove the level of your regret as much as it frames you as someone unable to live without her and can drain attraction further. If she does want to talk about it then you can own the mistake and let her know your apology was and still is sincere but don't try to chase her down with repeated attempts to prove your regret
@@CoachKen thank you so much for this advice coach ken! I really appreciate it 🙏
Coach ken, the thing is I didn't find your videos sooner and I have already over apologized and asked them for a second chance to the limits. I realise that I was being selfish by asking for a second chance but what do I do now? I am already 1 month into no contact. Last time I genuinely asked forgiveness and told them that I will love them forever and now I will never reach out to her.
What should I do? Should I break no contact and tell her that I am sorry I was being selfish to ask for second chance?
No now wait and focus on self.
@@s.rifatabbasbukhari5016 Ok, But, Will no contact still work? Or have I already done enough damage to have a hope?
update?
@@kemtronix Nothing. It's been 4+ months. That's it.
should I break no contact to apologize? it has been 3 weeks of no contact, the breakup was a month ago. He has said that we might be able to be together in the future but I know not to expect this
after 6 months NC he started liking my photos and watching my stories, then he wrote that he was missing everything , but didn’t want to change anything. Why did he write this? I made a huge mistake and answered him that if he doesn’t want to change anything, it means there’s nothing to miss and that if he loved me, he would do everything to preserve the relationship and that I agree, that it fijn tis way. He didn’t answered..He keeps watching my stories...What should I do? Did I ruin everything with my answer? Please help…
We were together for 2 years. We were about to move in… But she complained I didn’t have enough money saved. I always struggled with money. My job cut my hours but I feel like it’s my fault. I wasn’t the best boyfriend and I had a bad temper and I can’t stop beating myself up. Now I feel like I pushed her away and she removed me from the lease and moved into our apartment without me and immediately signed up for dating apps… I’m devastated… I feel completely replaced. Her family never liked me, and said I’m never going to be able to provide for her. I can’t help but feel they are happy she left me. I feel tossed away like trash.
Wow - yes, I know that feeling - being replaced so quickly and then having to watch them almost feel excitement at the prospect of life without you. Stay strong - let me know if I can help.
update?
I didn't see a price of how much 1 session would be until after I paid for it. I have my reasons for why I did not want to continue with the session. Are you really going to keep $140 or whatever the huge amount was from me when I didn't even get the service? That is basically stealing. Since you won't reply to my private emails, I guess I have to try and contact you like this. You told me that you WOULD refund my money how many months ago. Be a man of your word.
Turned out she monkey branched.
And now smears me online even that i'm not contacting her for 10 months already.
That BPD thing really sucks.
BPD can be a bit monkey branchier depending on the person. Sorry brother- I know that hurts
@@CoachKen we had a session with you back in August. I told you story about BPD girl of 10 years. It turned out to be monkey branching, I just didn't know about at that moment.
I was toxic and cause the breakup. Do I still deserve a second chance?
Well, you know it. Hummm. Are you working on yourself? Can you NOT be toxic?
@@spyyer8845 yes I’m going to therapy every week now. Stopped drinking as well
He said it wasn’t my fault . He said it was lack of time and distance was against Him
He said He was Happy being on His own that His lifestyle wasn’t conducive for a relationship
I took this as meaning , He wasn’t that into Me
I didn’t trust that His reasons are the truth
No matter how many times He insisted it was lack of time
I wouldn't trust that either - all of those things are obstacles people are willing to deal with when the attraction is high enough. I'd give him the break up and the weight of your absence. Let him see you're strong enough to walk away and see how his ego deals with a real sense of loss - it also gives you time to remember your own high worth without him
@@CoachKenTrust me, some times the struggle is real. Very real. Specially when you find a "soulmate", so to speak, but not in your very best moment and you want them to be happy. The contradicition is very tragic.
@@CoachKenthat’s what I’m doing , I haven’t contacted Him
I doubt if He will care at this stage
No doubt just relief
He has a big ego
Very good Looking Man all of his life , tall , full head of hair at 76 , charming ( when it suits Him ) so He has always had a lot of choice
I’m pretty sure He thinks He can do better
Maybe for Him He will
Still I’m a catch for the right Guy
He hasn’t decided my worth
If you have time to make videos, then you have time to refund my money. This is NOT okay or professional!!!
@coachken
My now ex wife uncle death anniversary and her grand mother passing are this week and next.. I'm in limited contact because we have kids.. should I reach out or stay in no contact??