Reclaiming Female Sexual Desire | Pamela Joy | TEDxPaloAlto
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 4 มิ.ย. 2018
- After a decade-and-a-half at Apple and Facebook, Pamela left her career in high tech to found Down To There to share her real-life stories of challenges and successes around sexuality in her marriage.
Through her writing, speaking and coaching, she hopes to inspire individuals and couples to find ways to renew and deepen desire and intimacy in their own relationships.
Pamela is also passionate about raising awareness within the medical and mental health communities about the positive impact of peer support on female sexual health, recently presenting her research on this topic at the 2018 International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health conference.
For more information about TEDxPaloAlto please visit www.tedxpaloalto.com.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
She is incredibly brave standing up in front of a roomful of strangers and being filmed for millions to see, to talk about her most personal challenge.
i would rather either used the gyms talk to most woman oh how was your weekend call them queens or princess and get ready to help them body builders as most adults wanted to become more independent oh tell this greek woman the love word
Chills when she talked about childhood memories. Everything we think we are and all of our drives and desires are rooted in the concepts we learned during childhood.
That is right. But, just talking about that would not help.
OMG! EARTH SHATTERING
@@mladendelic7284 Just finding out there are others with your same predicaments will help. The remedy to shame is to get it out in the open and talk.
@@mladendelic7284 But it's a start which is better than not starting to talk. It builds, much like desire. Every happy ending needs a start.
Very true! ❤️
I appreciate that when she was confronted with that conflict in their relationship, she opened herself up to finding a solution.
Hy
Don’t you just love when the taboo topics become the talked about topics.. ! I sure do!
Their is power and healing in being vulnerable.
@The Defyer I hope you are being facetious...
I agree. It is very healing and it is shown within this TedTalk, so inspiring and hopeful for change :)
*there
Officialtaycardish1 b.bb.h.,g,g
Thomas M Webster huh
I absolutely love the way she approached the whole concept - very clear, systematic - and, nevertheless, emotionally.
Well, she is an engineer. :)
Her vulnerability touches my heart.
Positive communication is so crucial.
Obvious !
It’s not THAT you communicate, it’s WHAT you communicate
So in short, women need to talk to each other about their problems, openly and honestly without judgement and they'd feel much happier.
With how hot she is no wonder why her hubs wants her more. 🔥
and also with men, and including men
@@fellowcitizen honestly. My partner just opened up to me for the first time in ten years. :( i didn't know he was hurting as much as he was... i wish men felt more open to be honest as well.
@@reneel7877 Do you mind if I ask you what kind of problems your hasband have had? I am very curious as a 18 year young man.
@@tommykang202 Sure! He's been frustrated with my lack of communication, with the way i joke, and feeling like i haven't listened to him.
Partners should be our best friends. I was so upset when i learned i wasnt being that for him. I think any relationship where both people can't open up is a big problem.
So great to hear that not only are the women empowered and find healing, but they are breaking the generational bonds so that their children don't have to experience the same.
Thank you. We are starting a women's group because of your talk. It really inspired me and it is so accessible, so real. Thank you for reminding us of the power of friendship and womanhood.
Good for you!💔❤🩹❤ For you and your sisters the Broken Heart, the Healing Heart and the Whole Heart!
"We talked about fantasy, what we fantasize about and if we don't... what's holding us back?" some of my girl friends really need to hear this smh😔
I love listening to intelligent women talk
And I love hearing your voice
This could prevent a lot of people from having affairs and winding up divorced.
Jenny Rudoff amen
The only thing this video should prevent is for a man not to ever get married
@@gladiatormechs5574 explain
She's in an open marriage.
@@ez6791 And they divorced apparently. Quite pathetic to see she jumped on the bandwagon too.
I don’t feel so alone anymore. Thank you
My girls and I do that and we didn’t think many people did but she’s so right. It helps with confidence even if it’s the confidence to say no to something or find out what you really like. It’s the cheapest therapy out there!
One of the most genuine talks and on an immensely important issue. The content was ofcourse good. But I also loved the mirth and positivity you radiate while speaking. Thanks for doing this favour on humanity Pam
this!! Yes. thank you Pam
Outstanding presentation!
Every woman and partner who cares about their mate needs to hear this. Again great job!
pixamite1
Everyone needs to hear this.
Women don't *care* about their partner, they care about what their partner can do for them..
@@IChIDH Are you a troll or are you just terribly damaged?
This allowed me to understand more about why my wife is the way she is.
What about Sally?I guess thinks are flowing so well so there's nothing to undestand .
Me too. About your wife.
Did it help you understand your wifes son better too?
Thomas Jefferson mine is the same
Men have just as many problems as women do the only difference is men cannot talk about their problems because it is so taboo. Women talk about their problems here on TED and men listen however you will NEVER convince women that men have just as many problems and that their problems are just different.
Pam you adressed this issue in a total different way, very easy to understand and i will follow that. thank you
why does this make me want to cry...?
Is it because you can relate?
Same
I am proud of you for being able to get up and talk about this to each of us, thank you for sharing and helping connect the little daily things to our spouses
What a simple, but thoughtful and insightful lecture. She is a fascinating teacher.
Now you're all set for losing your virginity bro.
@@diaperdude6163 1
2k
Fascinating really it’s just common sense.DUH
NO SHE'S NOT SHE SO FAKE!
How honest, very articulate, very authoritative.
I really wish I had people in my life who I could talk about this stuff with
I really wish I would meet women who wanted to talk about this stuff.
Same. Wish I had close female friends around. X
Kate text this video to two of your closest friends and just say, "I think we should do this." I understand, it is very vulnerable and really putting yourself out there. Maybe the speaker has a website with a list of meetings nationwide and you could go to one that is close. It's interesting how we want to share our thoughts and feelings but it's very intimate and scary and we can't control what a person does with this new knowledge of us. Best wishes.
You can talk to me
You have, you just don't know it yet because you are afraid to initiate the conversation. I have started conversations about "taboo" topics just to get them out of the closet and see how groups circled and made the conversation their own. Try a conversation once, about a lighter topic first just to get your confidence going.
Two frequent questions, I find in my practice, that is asked by women: “I want to feel again what I have lost” and “I want to find what I never could.” - A True Connection through mind, body, spirit and touch.
Mon
what exactly is a "spirit"?
And that's why anybody who has any particular concerns in life should seek professional help or even merely form a support group that provides a safe place for each individual to talk about their own vulnerabilities, find hope with the universality of experiences and create a direction on how to respond or address the concerns properly through the insight and esteem building that you have created as you went along the group or an individual person to whom to talked with
So for every little first world problem we should see a doctor?
Maybe you're right, but you can also do help yourself a lot, not everybody has a big salary to pay all these professionals, or that we only have enough of these... I try to solve every problem with self-help, cause all these professionals also need regular customers, every solved issue is a lost customer. My believe is nature has a solution for (almost) everything, and first try to find the source of the problem.
Hi Serene, nice to meet you here. Have you come across the book cupids poisoned arrow?
@@Hakkeholt →or even merely form a support group← but I agree with you on "professionals" →Modern medicine cares for your illness. This makes them living. You must care for your health yourself. That makes you living.←
Doesn’t work for everyone and some ‘professionals’ are borderline useless.
Awesome talk. Answers so many questions and gives great clarity for both men and women:) Thank you Pam:) for starting the conversation:)
Yes..
Amazing! The messages we received when we were kids really impact on our actions
Truth
Even if just heard - without being adressed.
Thank you so much for being brave enough to talk about this. Even publicly. I needed this.
Hi A G, nice to meet you here. Have you come across the book cupids poisoned arrow?
I love how you present this topic in a way that's easy to understand and easy to take action around.
And easy to not have any result out of it ...
Thank you! This has got to be one of THE MOST IMPORTANT youtoube videos. BRAVO 👏👏👏👏👏👏
Wow! This is a very important talk!
As a male, this is very helpful. One of the most eye opening TED talks I've listened to.
As another male, could you explain to me how this is very helpful? I understand it to be a big help for women, but why was it very helpful for you?
@@glp.1337 If you were on a similar situation as her husband you would probably appreciate it as well. I would say that men who truly love their partners are the ones who most suffer in this situations.
@@argonauth I don't quite understand what you wrote in that last sentence. I'm sorry, I'm really trying.
@@glp.1337 Edited, it's quite clear
I feel like this was one of the least eye-opening TED talks I ever heard.
Very brave. This also helps husbands understand. Thank you.
Michael - Thank you for saying this. I'm hopeful that both husband's with higher desire (relative to their partner) and those with lower desire (relative to their partner) will gain understanding through me sharing my story!
Only husbands need to understand? Seems kinda one sided.
This one needed to, just saying.
This one too. 27 years into a completely monogamous relationship (yes, I'm sure) and it's gotten pretty tough. She's a therapist isn't easily introspective. This has helped me greatly to understand what may be going on. Many Thanks, Pam!
Oh ok, I guess women don't need to understand anything because they're perfect angels and have it all figured out.
Amazingly powerful.
Amin..I had a female friend who shared her experiences 10 years ago since then I m a happy girl, my libido is always going up as I m approaching 40! It does work 100% her idea:)
Thank you for talking about this. This topic is so important, and it helped a lot.
"This topic is so important"
Getting your rocks off isn't very important lol
Just buy a rabbit vibrator or something.
Female masturbation is frowned upon
What a beautiful sharing of something so personal and vulnerable. I'm glad to see this kind of conversion becoming more common. It helps everyone.
Thank you, Pam!
Wow !!! Loved it Pam. Well done, this is so useful and I´ll certainly share it with my girlfriends: THANK YOU
Thank you!
What a fantastic presentation. Important too. One of the best TED talks I’ve seen.
Yeah! she's a great story-teller
True
Hi Andrew, nice to meet you here. Have you come across the book cupids poisoned arrow?
THANK YOU... Fantastic Presentation...
I think this applies a 100% for men too
Yes
Such an important conversation, I appreciate your vulnerability and confidence, loved your talk.
i was in the womens movement of the 60's and 70's and most people don't know but it was basically formed with meeting in a group once a week ( just women and i went to 2 a week) and talking about what it was to be a woman (mostly not about us in relation to male defined society). it was extraordinary and is how tribal women live - whilst men are off hunting
Great message.
I am thankful to TH-cam to suggest me this video, I am in the same situation as she was.
Great job, Pam! You’ve hit on a great number of excellent points!
Thank you for this!! ❤️
Hi LoveWarrior, nice to meet you here. Have you come across the book cupids poisoned arrow?
A vulnerable and insightful conversation, I wish that there were more women that you could talk to openly about these issues, I’ve always felt it’s private… it’s not easy either… I’ve found someone to work with, Hoping to start so- I’m excited, I do wish as women we could be more supportive of each other in this area of our live too, we all could use it.
I just came across your talk its filled with support and Encouragement, thank you … Grateful
i loved this so much, because its like you were speaking the words out of my mouth
Wholesome talk. Thanks
Remember that you deserve all the best things that life has to offer.
I so needed to hear this talk! Thank you, Pamela
THIS IS SUCH A GOOD TED TALK
On headphones, I can actually hear her heart beating. Interesting feedback to what she was experiencing.
me too! Couldn't work out if it was hers or mine haha
Isnt that just my own?
Timestamp please?
I thought I was the only one. For a second I thought it was my heartbeat at first. 😂❤ It's the position of the mic I think. Very normal though to have a fast heart beat when you're delivering a speech in front of so many people. Bless.
Excellent ! And very timely for me .... thank you.
I'm so glad to hear it was timely for you! Best wishes on your own journey!
Same. Thank you for this.... been struggling for years
Spectacular. Thank you !
Great stuff! And brave, too.
Wow How Amazing
Without a least amount of Fuss
Grasping the Impact of Perceptions
Finding out the way of sharing with peers
Getting back the connectivity
On top of all without any Therapist or Medication or Phycho Analysts 🌹
Good for you for sharing your experiences and feelings. Men have the same experiences.
Oh my god. After watching this video I got to know the same is happening with me. This is like I discovered the reason of not enjoying it. Thank you so much for the talk and yes it is very relieving that there are so many other women who feel same.
Hi Ramandeep, nice to meet you here. Have you come across the book cupids poisoned arrow?
Thank you for sharing this story with us !
Bravo good woman! You are a research treasure! Thank You!
“Church”… all started there
Beautifully and bravely put Pam. The first thing that i got listening to you, when your husband tapped you and said 'we need to talk' was the recollection of words a colleague of mine once said that i think you embody: 'You know the mind is like a parachute.' I didn't get it until he followed through with 'because if it doesn't open, it doesnt work.' Probably your collective open mindedness is what brought you to these wonderful insights and brave offerings. I suspect that female and male sexualities and the secrets that lay therein are mirror images of each other that reflect back inwardly to merge and collaborate once the long journey from head to heart happens and the penny starts to drop. Congratulations for having what it takes to bring this conversation out in the open so that others may consider the question so eloquently put by your therapist: "What if..."
Pamela Joy, This was a great talk and is very on par with RC or Re-evaluation counseling. I am a health care provider who believes a lot can be managed by non-clinicians. The same is true for men as women. Many of us males have been told that we must be strong, not cry, don't let others see us hurt. What that tends to create is a man who feels they cannot be weak or give in to their partner or partner's needs over their own. We tend to not show emotion via crying or conversing about hurts as we do not want to be seen as a failure or in opposition to those things we are told growing up. I served 25 years in the military, 13 as a combat medic and 12 as a Physician Assistant. Over 6 combat deployments, I saw a lot of pain and a lot of death. I just kept this in until I was divorced. Finally, I looked at the situation and understood that I was the stopping point. I had to go back and visit those parts of my life where I got that message to be tough, to not fail, and to never give up. I realized I was programmed and that I needed to undo the programming. I did, over some years, and now I have a wonderful partner. She has helped me to continue to find joy in sharing my stories. We operate together, as a team and have many positives that I never experienced in my first two marriages. Yes, I divorced twice while in the military. If you ever wish to talk or share more, we can. I am on Twitter @paalvitre or via email same handle at Gmail. Thank you for sharing and I hope you and I can bring more to this understanding. Take care.
excellent statement and true - of course!
it's about building up trust & respect levels - once you have those firmly down as the bedrock, & I'm speaking from experience here, as well as being totally at ease mentally - the rest will follow - desire will be as natural as breathing
Hi Steve, nice to meet you here. Have you come across the book cupids poisoned arrow?
Thank you, this talk is especially helpful to husbands who want to understand.
Nice Les Paul,Matt.
Thank you
thank you for the talk it is really inspiring to me 😍
Great talk, extremely informative!!
Very educative ❤️👍
Thanks for this video!
What an amazing talk and insight. Thank you for being amazing. Thank you for being you.
Lol, I’m kinda proud of myself cuz I’m always encouraging my friends to open up about this and actually discover themselves 👏🏼👏🏼
Pamela is absolutely stunning! ☺
I needed to hear this
Hi honey how are you. Greetings from Ireland. Hope you’re safe from covid. It’s good video. Best wishes for a good week 😊🙏 Michael
It is a wonderful thing when people can treat others in a positive way and as a result help those other people in their life. We don't need to judge others, and I will say that out of all the women and men that I know they are the ones to treat themselves more harshly than others usually treat them. With my wife there is only one that really judges her and that is her, and that is part of the reason we have been together for so many years.
Brave honest woman, rare gem!
Thanks for your talk about this
magnificent. we grow TOGETHER
Very interesting and informative. These results might also say something about the isolation many people are experiencing in the information age. We, as humans, are hard-wired for social interaction. Maybe this is a symptom of the lack of it these days?
Applause! Applause! Thank you for your bravery, Ms. Joy. How many lives did you just change?!?
Ty, great information =)
who's Ty?
This talk was very woman centric but the truth is men can absolutely benefit from the exact same communication.
No they can't, lol.
Oh, I loved this.
Dont care
@@Suhan0805 you mad or nah
Very informative
Awesome video, thank you.
That last piece of advise is extremely good and useful.
thank you for your truth.
I go thru the same thing with my wife. Only I don't get the look of guilt from her. I get anger and abusive speech being accused of being selfish and made to feel that my feelings and needs have no place in this marriage.
She's insecure
She's wearing a wedding ring, and showed pictures of the guy so I'm assuming it all worked out.
Looking forward to your next update before I will return with my update
I want to comment to your story starting at 4:25: "I was 6 years old and I touched myself and it felt good". My story: It happened the summer after the end of WW2 in a small town in Central Europe. I was 10 years old. My aunt came with her very beautiful 6 years old daughter for a visit. One day my cousin took me by the hand and led me to a room that served for wood storage. She put her hands around my neck and gave me a never ending French kiss. It was very enjoyable. That was the best summer of my long life. I never told this story to anyone, even my best friend, as I thought that our behavior was not normal. Thank you Pam for relieving me of guilt.
I read ww2 and immediately think who old is you
@@alhamdallah942 easy one. The war ended in 1952. But don't tell anybody. (ha-ha).
PAUL's DANCING all of this long life and that kiss make your best summer , I wonder why is that
Where did a 6 year old girl learn to French kiss? 🤔
@@alhamdallah942 discovery of the magic of women and the first kiss. And perhaps the fact that that was the only summer war and troubles free. Soon afterwards with his famous speech Winston Churchill, the warmonger, started the Cold War.
Name me a trouble free summer since then?
Does anyone know where I can get her paper/study?
This is amazing.
I have a friend that talks about getting drunk w/the same emotionally and exceptance but most people dont talk about how intelligent he is. BASE is always sad, self seaking and self destructive as experience will show anyone who needs to learn...
Amazing Analysis, Added To My AI Research Library, Deployed Worldwide Through The TRUTH Network...
great talk; thanks for sharing your story
Beautiful Pam, thankyou for not blaming men!
how do you hink she could? - strange an idea!
great talk
Thank you.