Michelle! You are amazing. Amazing speech :) Like you, I believe that individuals can change the world and make it better one by one, bit by bit. And you've just spread your 'communicable disease' to over half a million of us! You've brightened up my week so much more for that. Thank you for being you and pursuing your passion. You are inspiring.
By the way, I observe thru my own marriage that in a relationship the one who loves less controls the relationship. Please Michele comment on my following observations: 1) In a society where women are protected by law and convention, the wives or girlfriends are the main decision makers. Eg. If a male wants a truck, and the woman wants a sedan. They will buy a sedan. My conjecture is that middle income families are matriarchal, but the lower and upper income families are patriarchal. I have done random samples of 7 women and 5 agreed with me. This is just anecdotal and not scientific. MY conjecture is based on the males who desire sex more than women, but seems to contradict with what you said. Are there any peer reviewed research on this? 2) Because of my difficult marriage, I finally went to see a registered seasoned female psychologist, and within 10 minutes, she told me something unbelievable: that women do not forgive or forget, and that they are very verbal (they like to argue). I was astounded and frankly speechless for I would have never guessed such a gender difference. Again, I did anecdotal survey and there was consensus. 3) I don't remember the source of: most women feel that they are right most of the times. Again, I did anecdotal survey and there was consensus. The reason I surprised by the above conjectures is that I had 3 girlfriends when I got married, but never spent much time with each of them. So when I got married, I basically went from mother to my wife, and therefore had very little experience with women. when I found our marriage so difficult, I assumed it was due to our incompatibilities but not anything to do with gender differences. Oh, I forgot, my wife is self confessed perfectionist and she is very proud of that!! Would appreciate a reply. Thanks
My wife would tell me “that’s all you want from me!” “That’s all you think about!” Now it’s been 1yr and I stopped asking and stopped touching her. It is such a miserable life. It sucks feeling sad all the time.
I love how she talks about a sexless marriage not just being a “mens” problem. Many women are in sexless marriages too. My husband is personally never in the mood and says it’s because he works a lot. That may be true but when society tells you men are supposed to want it all the time, it hurts on an even deeper level because you feel like something must be wrong with you for him to hardly ever show any interest in you. The feeling of rejection is real.
Maybe share this with him and watch it together maybe it can at-least start the conversation. I wish you nothing but the best and good luck with your Husband 🙏🏾
@@chumbanga thank you! That’s a great idea and he also agreed to do couples counseling so I feel hopeful things can improve :) appreciate your kind words and encouragement!
YES! After so much rejection you finally quit initiating then you REALLY never get any. More than likely tho it is him & not you. He could have a low libido, low testosterone, depression, exhaustion, etc. . I never knew a man was fine with going 2 months without but mine is & I know it’s not me. He has horrible sleep apnea & works all the time so I think that’s a major part. He just had a sleep study last night & if this don’t fix it he better be going to the Dr or his meals gonna start being blue…😝
In my case, it wouldn't do my wife any good to watch. Married 40 years, cut off 14 years ago, and in my religion, " sealed for time and all eternity "..................... I have serious concerns about the after-life.
Tomas Jay i understand what you are saying. But the after life would be better as there are no physical limitations. Aging is a physical limitation. In the after life there’s none of that.
Its not just unresponsiveness but dismissal of ones feelings that hurts the most. To be vulnerable and willing to discuss feelings, only to have that turn into pure rejection is devastating.
@@kodeh7931I dunno, my dismissive avoidant husband was pretty heartbreaking. Esp since our society tells me all the time that men are kind of walking around wanting to screw every woman they see.
What hit me hardest was the line about how one person decides no sex and the other has to accept it, not complain about it and stay monogamous. It is indeed an unworkable situation. I think sometimes people feel because they're married, they can do whatever they want thinking their spouse is "locked in".
This just broke my heart... This is my life. The loneliness, the alienation... The sadness... The anger... The low self-esteem... It hurts... It is grieving over a death that is living.
@@spr6317 you be throwing the word divorce so easily, is about communication, ppl get married bc they want to spend the rest of their lives together, they love each other, is about communication and willingness to work on things together
So relatable… The loneliest I ever felt was laying in bed next to my husband. (Unwanted, pushed away, abandoned...over time , Those slowly formed my identity, self-worth, how I viewed myself… A sexless marriage can deteriorate the heart and soul of a spouse.
My parents have slept in seperate rooms for 30 years? Just don't get married, be single and enjoy your life and go after those dreams. Your partner will usually keep you from achieving this.
I had a moment of clarity 10 yrs ago and left the bedroom for the couch cause I wasn't getting it enough. 9 yrs ago she made me leave. Great plan! That 9 yrs I gradually withdrew and started to let my professional life slide. Not badly but my motivation to provide evaporated. I went out and became an atm machine for my family to provide for my wonderful daughters. But all joy has evaporated.
let's face it, our personal energy to invest in "trying" (whatever that is), is not unlimited. Eventually we kind of make different priorities, but I remember the words to an Eagles song: "I guess every form of refuge has its price..."
And maybe it is something about "age" that gives you a more complete picture of HOW MUCH DAMAGE that rejection has done. Of course when it first happens, you do not have years (or decades) of reflection about it, to represent the impact of the loss, such as it ultimately appears to be. I was told, decades ago by a wise mentor that such losses "still are remembered but eventually you realize that you can thing about them and it doesn't hurt anymore." Or maybe just doesn't hurt AS MUCH or hurts differently. I dunno, I'm still doing the labs for that lecture series.
@Reggie Rendon I give up, how do you treat a complete stranger with "love and respect" especially if that stranger appears somehow attractive to you? Amid this love and respect I'm guessing that there might be some impulse to convey that sensation of attraction. For extra points, distinguish that from a complete stranger in which you have no particular mating-interest but do have some reason to elsewise interact.
You just brought tears in my eyes. Now I know why I cant stop feeling so lonely. There’s nothing worse than looking at the ceiling and listen to your husband snores for hours night after night 😢
You dont have to stay unhappy. No one has to or should have to. Make the change. Leave him and find someone youre better suited with. It really is that simple when you break it down. And its not selfish either. Having said this though, snoring is a form of sleep apnea that defnitely affects a man's libido. That is a well documented fact. You may want to get that checked out as it could be the source of your problems. Just Google sleep apnea or snoring and low libido.
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I asked my wife to listen to your talk and it was an eye opener for her. You hit the nail on the head. Thank you very much. Her attitude change was immediate, and hopefully long lasting.
@@Dbb27 i liked your comment. Nobody else did. But they did like my comment because they agree We are experienced at this. Women break up to make up as well, they need drama or they get bored.
@@josephercastor8026 many women have been in abusive situations. Once one gets used to that it feels normal. My second husband, now of almost twenty years, and the love of my life didn’t feel ‘right’. I almost ended the relationship the first year. Fortunately I sat myself down and figured it out. I was so used to crazy from my prior that something felt off. Thank goodness I had worked on myself enough to figure it out. You call it boredom, I call it patterns of known and therefore comfortable behavior; even if it’s detrimental drama. It’s why women in abusive relationships end up back in another abusive relationship. ‘It felt like I knew him all my life’. Yup, run!
After 34yrs a lot of work and time. Just confusing i work hard and provide. I guess i still need to work on myself or try and communicate with my spouse but i can't continue to feel alone.
I can confirm I am. It's sad, but the top comments really are true. The people that NEED to see this as part of a relationship usually either won't or dismiss it as a nuisance. It really is tragic how something so simple can uproot and destroy families.
My older brother was late to get married, but was pressured to (by our mother) for years. I'd always respond that I'd rather he be single and satisfied than married and miserable like me. He finally did get married, though it's obviously a business marriage (convenience that's accepted as such by both) based on what his wife surprisingly told me when I first met her.
Withholding sex is a cruel and unusual punishment. It is absolutely insane to demand monogamy from your partner while denying the only socially acceptable source of sexual satisfaction they have access to. How fitting that the one who should love us the most can be the most cruel .
So true. A very deep depression follows the abstinence, especially if it is not discussed. It resembles a deep loss, just like losing a loved one. I am fully aware. Thank you for your lecture.
Wow.... so it is not only I who feels this way. Thanks so very much for sharing such an intimate, such an extremely personal thought. Strange that sharing pain does seem to make it lesser....
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It started to kill mine too but somehow we found the magic again. It's a careful dance of courtship and fulfillment. One can't just expect it but also needs to be intuitive and both parties need to live to fulfill eachothers needs.
Yep!! Don’t know how many times I have had that conversation or made it known for it change for a short while to go back to what it was before and worse.
I've been with my partner for twenty years. We've watched everyone around us split up. I think we work because we are like kids still. we curl up together every night. we watch tv, talk, spend time together. And we have sex as often as we can. We enjoy each other. I learned early on that if i want the best from my spouse, she needs me to be there. Not just in the same house but WITH her. I hit on her and flirt constantly. We both joke and laugh. We play fight. We cuddle. We talk to each other and do things for each other. Much is made of us all needing to be busy and rushing off to do things for the sake of doing them. I doubt many people at the end of their lives wish they'd been to more karate lessons, took more cooking classes etc. A lot of people wish they had more sex, and had held on to someone they love. Relationships work as long as you make each other your priority.
Cleatus, do you find your spouse physically attractive? sexy, desirable? if so is it because of who she is, her personality, or because you see it with your eyes and feel it physically?
The WANT follows the DOING. As she forces HERSELF (NOT you forcing her), she will BEGIN TO WANT IT MORE & MORE. NOW YOU GOT ME USING ALL CAPS WHEN I'M NOT EVEN MAD LOL!!!
I had to take breaks watching this because I couldn't stop crying. I've always been the one that sought more connection, more touch, and in my marriages, it eventually ruined them both. I am older now, and hopefully wiser, but I am back in the same boat. I am trying to learn from my mistakes, be more tolerant, patient, and understanding, but I'm still having difficulty with the disconnect. Her comments about rejection hit me so hard that I still have tears sliding down my cheeks. I know he loves me, but knowing it and feeling it are completely different things. I'm asking him to watch this. I need to know I'm not alone, because it always feels as though I am.
+Michele Weiner-Davis Thank you for posting this video!!! I am struggling for two years with this issue. Could not stop crying while watching the video and seeing myself in that same situation.
I feel your pain as if it were my own. My boyfriend is on a lot of medication and recently suffered the loss of a friend of 25+ years. Both of these things affect a man's desire and performance. I am learning to NOT internalize the rejection, that just because he isn't interested in sex doesn't necessarily mean that he isn't still interested in me as a person. There is far more to our relationship than the mind-blowing sex that we so rarely have. I have recently been talking to my second husband. Talking with him has caused me to view my current relationship in a more forgiving light. I may often not get my needs met, but he tries hard and often makes overt gestures toward my need for contact. While it may be true that I could get more of my needs met by another, I am getting all that my Joe has to give. For the moment, it's enough.
How many of us here are looking at our years of abstinence while our partner frets about just about anything? Never a priority, always busy, always tired, nothing.
I wish I had man that wasn't too busy to spend time with me. Mine over the 13 years was always working, or dealing with a son he was financially supporting.
Great video. When this isn’t worked out, the drama leads to disgust, which eventually leads to loss of attraction, and soon leads to settling as roommates or the relationship coming to an end.
@@LenaL146 It's not worth it to stay in a loveless & toxic marriage. I stayed in a bad marriage because i was very attached to my Border Collie & once he died, i filed for divorce and moved out of the house. The last 2 years of my marriage were sexless & i avoided her like the plauge. Slept in my mancave & bought my own food, etc.
@@richardmilliken8705 that's sucks brother, but much respect on staying for your Border Collie in it's late stage. I had a similar situation, where I moved back in with an ex so that we could both take care of our sick dog for it's final months alive.
Yes. When it's not resolved the attraction fades, making a resolution more challenging. One can lose the motivation to even initiate anymore. I guess even then there's a chance but it takes a good sit down and honest talking. That's not always easy of course
I didn't even bother asking her to watch, I know the answer ahead of time. The story this woman tells of John and Mary is a touching one, but as with anyone else, it takes two who are willing to talk and listen to the other. When one doesn't, that leads to resentment, which is cancerous to any form of intimacy.
@@thewrongshoes: First, I can't believe I am talking to another Smoot. Second, if the man stops opening the car door for his wife, he has made one of the biggest, but simplest mistakes of his life, and the marriage suffers for such discourtesy that was once a very important act when love was new.
I almost didn't click on this video, I'm glad I did. I have a great marriage but sometimes we get derailed so it's nice to be reminded on how to get back on track. There are many things that connected and rang true to me in this lecture. I even cried when you told the story of John and Mary. But one line that also resonated with me is when you said "I didn't choose my career, my career chose me..." That's an aha moment for me and sort of gave me a new perspective on how to look at my job right now.
All of these comments from women astonish me. I have been faithfully married for 30+ years, I am still in very good shape, and not too unattractive. My wife seems very happy with our life together, but has absolutely no interest in physical intimacy. It is really depressing. Whenever I initiate anything, she makes me feel that I am "forcing" her, and I lose the desire to continue... So we just go on, like brother and sister...
I'm right there with you brother. The slow death of intimacy over the 24 years of our marriage has morphed my relationship with my wife into little more than a "domestic partnership". She's still my best friend but we haven't been more than superficially intimate in many years. I manage to guilt her into the occasional quickie but there's no real connection, and she makes it plainly obvious that she'd rather be doing virtually anything else. I haven't felt wanted or desired in such a long time that infidelity on my part is only a matter of time. I don't want my marriage to end, but I can see it coming and I see no way of preventing it.
@@robillardjosh i feel the same. I've talked to her about it and she simply replies " I'm just not interested " I've never felt so lonely. It also angers me that she knows it's important to me and still doesn't care. Even if she offered now i wouldn't want to just knowing how little i mean to her.
8 ปีที่แล้ว +158
Women like this lady are a rare treasure. Patience, empathy, stopping to consider their partner's feelings, going one inch out of their comfort zone for the guy they claim to love... these seem to elude the majority.
Great points: Being repeatedly rejected by a spouse opens up feelings of vulnerability, this vulnerability turns into anger and contempt, anger leads to sexual withdrawal, heightened anger leads to sexual anorexia. How can one stay in a marriage that continually cycles this way, with someone who supposedly loves you? It's like a cruel merry-go-round that never stops. It's not a man vs. woman issue, because all human beings are innately selfish at times. Sex can and should be an act of love, of meeting the needs of someone you love, and of actively participating in that love together. If there is no sex drive, then DO something to change things. Stop living in denial. This problem won't go away. The other person in the marriage is suffering from painful loneliness and degraded self-esteem. This little issue becomes a living, breathing elephant in the room that stands in the way of a healthy relationship. Women are allowed to be passionate and sexual beings. Men are allowed to be passionate and sexual beings. We need to start talking about this more, before and during our marriages.
Her ability to speak and convey empathy, anyone who is lucky enough to work with her is incredibly lucky. But most of all, her strong ending was absolute perfection. I love a confident woman sharing her power with the world 🫶
no the main cause of divorce is the death of communication, on one spouse or both spouses are not willing to compromise and worse one or both spouses put their own selfish needs before their spouses need.
As a therapist who works with a lot of couples especially around the issues of sexuality, I have to say she is spot on. I'l be recommending this video to my clients.
Jordan McNeely Thank you so much for your support of my work! I have the couples in my practice watch it too when appropriate. Let me know how it goes!
+Michele Weiner-Davis I really, really need help with this in my marriage. I don't know if you conduct sessions over the internet or not, but I'd be willing to pay you any amount of money I can, I am desperate, I'll do anything. Please, if you can help me, please contact me.
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So ... you agree ... it's all the husband's fault.
@ in the video she clearly states that the roles are, a significant amount of the time, reversed. so much so that she calls it one of the 'best kept secrets'. and anyway, she never once said it's only 1 persons fault. it's a two way street. idk what video you watched, but it doesn't seem to be this one.
I wish I had known about someone as amazing as yourself 23 years ago. I finally left a marriage of 15 years due to the same situation. Much aggression came from my spouse. And it ultimately split our family. I had two wonderful daughters that became the only reason I stayed was my love for them. I went to a therapist to see what I could do to save my marriage. So I got very little hope from that. Thank You for addressing this. If just one couple can be saved, it’ll be worth it.
@@andrewdevine3920 No, it was my own fault and sin. I was selfish and acted as if only my needs mattered. Take your rudeness about my husband elsewhere. He is amazing. I don't deserve a man so loving. 💔
@@mariaaugustavieira6721 and the spouse that seeks that attention elsewhere will be considered at fault and looked down upon. While the other gets a pass
Excellent. Simply the best commentary I've ever heard from a therapist on intimacy and love. In my experience, none of the counselors I met ever came close to this inside, vibrant, dynamic knowledge. Every single time, they were people who made separation and divorce seem inevitable.
Word for word exactly my thoughts and experience as well. This was the most valuable TED talk I have ever watched, as well as being, in my opinion, the single most valuable piece of advice for maintaining the connection, health and longevity within a marriage!
You have opened my eyes....7years late, but never the less. Thank you. Do I even dare share this with my X-wife, in hopes in getting back together...I still love her so much...
You have made the break, don't go over old ground, it will mostly disappoint and hurt all the more. Try new pastures, it will be the best path to take. If you were still married yes try it, but to be rejected again will kill you inside. Take care.
There was no mention of deficient hormone levels playing a roll here. It's not always about control or caring. Sometimes it's medical. What's the advice then? Also, no mention of the person not being the same person as who you fell in love with anymore, physically or personality. ?
Michele Weiner-Davis thank you so much for the insight you have given me regarding the low libido vs high libido construct. We have walked through most of those examples many times throughout our 40 year marriage. I wonder, had we had this info then, if life would have been more about the intimacy. If. Sharing the heck out of this!! ✨💖✨
How about work schedules? If one works 65 hours a week and the other 40 or less, does exhaustion has a role with the after work routines of daily life before your time together with the significant other?
I wish you would discuss the opposite scenario: a wife who longs for touch with a husband who cannot or will not respond. This is the reason our children are adopted, and it's also the reason I have suffered so long with depression.
I wholeheartedly agree. It doesn't sound like this applied in your situation, but if I'm any indication, a man changes in this area over time. A man wants it all the time when he's younger (teens-50), but that want is based on whatever arouses him, typically whatever he sees during the day that fits that, and if whatever that is no longer exists, or not as much, that could be one factor. Another is that the want naturally diminishes over time. A third is the "use it or lose it" aspect, which accelerates the diminishing of the want. Another important factor is ego. A man who used to be "instant on" who no longer can do so and needs his spouse's help in foreplay increasingly more may be reluctant/embarrassed to communicate that, and the prospect of not being able to "perform," however he defines that, may be enough to result in excuses and "disinterest."
I lived in a sexless marriage for 6 years. It was the most painful, lonely, and hurtful situation I've ever dealt with. Being rejected on a daily basis by the one person who is supposed to love and accept you is damaging beyond words. It destroys your sense of self worth and self confidence and creates this pervasive and powerful negative loop in your head that runs non stop. Sometimes I wish something like this had been available for my ex-husband to see before things finally came to a head, but a part of me is glad it wasn't. There was so much damage (done out of hurt, anger and spite) to each other during our marriage that I fully believe it was beyond repair. I really don't think people realize just how much damage it does when you completely shut your partner down consistently.
***** - It's a beautiful thing you're doing. Especially now people are so wrapped up in their own individual bubbles that they forget about how they affect the world around them. We live in a society where we're supposedly more connected by technology, when instead it's allowed us to become even more isolated from each other. Thanks for the reminder to reconnect with each other.
I enjoyed this talk. I would love to hear more solutions for when the low-sex-drive partner is the husband, and the one desiring more sex is the wife. The problem with the "just do it" method is that it usually requires the higher-sex-drive partner to initiate the sex, but I have been rejected by my husband so many times, I just want him to come on to ME. I don't want to risk further rejection.
First, ask your husband to watch this video with you. Then, read, The Sex-Starved Wife. There will be many ideas in that book for you. Hang in there, Michele
You can choose carefully and take your time but truth is that people change every day, week, year, life event to life event. There is no telling what our responses to certain experiences will be. I believe that you need to grow and change, sometimes together and sometimes individually but always respecting each other. No one in their 50's is the same person they were in their 20's
I find Michele Weiner-Davis to be highly credible. She avoids all the BS and gets right to the heard of the core, profound relationship issues that impact intimacy.
"We have to take better care of each other"...such a true statement. I know marriage is not easy and there are two sides to every story. Its heartbreaking to know people are living their lives married with zero physical intimacy.
After 23 years together and no intimacy of ANY kind for the the last 6-7 years, I can't deal with it anymore. I still love her, but it hurts so much. I'm leaving in 2 weeks.
Soo sad! don’t commit suicide for a damn man Who don’t want you or appreciate you. I think you should work on yourself look beautiful always and show him you can get any man you want. 🖕🏽him!
This is how I feel with my wife. I think she goes to sleep a couple hours after me to avoid the subject. And I only ask maybe twice per week, not like I'm asking every day. The constant rejection because she has a headache is so annoying.
This was an amazing talk. What she talked about succinctly or near enough to how I feel about my sexless marriage. As a husband to a wife of 7 years, this will help immensely. Thank you!
You've got to wonder how many people have ended their lives due to being stuck in a sexless marriage. You may think that's a ridiculous statement, but if I've thought of it, and considered it, you can damn well believe others have as well. The thought of the pain of living like this for the rest of your life can be overwhelming and soul crushing.
Thank you for bringing up the aspect of it being so soul crushing that some people think about ending their lives because of this deeply hurtful type of rejection. Not many think about that possibility.
Thank you for sharing this! It's not a ridiculous statement at all. I've thought of it, considered it, screamed it out loud for it to all end (I had a series of thankless, dead-end jobs as well that I had stayed in because my ex kept losing hers) for decades now, even sometimes post-marriage. It is soul-crushing.
I think why this happens in marriage is because after a while people take each other for granted. They shouldn't, but it happens. And It's also taboo to say it comes down to boredom. You love your partner, but relationships are not exciting after a certain amount of time. That's the reality, and that is why you have to work at it, and try to bring the excitement back.
I know where you are coming from when 2 people get over comfortable but all it takes to get the spark back is a simple surprise here and there like one single rose or a surprise picnic - complement her hair how she looks so forth
Over six years ago I watched this. Since then I divorced my husband of 29 years and met my boyfriend. My ex had never had a libido that matched mine. Now I am with a man who’s libido not only matches mine, our connection is incredible. I’m 63, my boyfriend is 67. It’s never too late, but I wish I’d gotten out sooner.
I literally have headaches about this, it’s so frustrating and hurtful. It’s created so much resentment in me towards her. All she sees it as is me complaining, I’m tired of doing this, I don’t want to cheat, but I have a right to be loved and feel loved don’t I?
instead of cheating, why don't you either get a divorce or tell her you're going to stay married but sleep around? that way you don't have to lie or hide anything
Everyone has the right to feel loved. I would almost think of it as an obligation to yourself. You have to let yourself be free of the nonparticipating spouse and allow yourself to experience the love you want with another. When your spouse detaches from you physically they have left you. Unless you have caused this somehow, it means your spouse has an issue - many people have problems with intimacy. Some people are just really physically lazy as well. If there are reasons to stay married, then I believe in the legal marriage and happiness found outside of it. There is no single right way to live. Find your best way past the situation. Live fully. No marriage can be made with a nonparticipating spouse, it's just a room mate. Don't worry about what others think. You can tell them to go ahead and step into your life if they think you should remain without physical love. You shouldn't.
So many woman including myself, have forced themselves to be willing, too many times while not feeling like doing it, but still hoping that the feeling would get back, only to be increasingly more frustrated and eventually not having any lust left. That ruined my last relationship, and I would have loved to know how we could have worked that out.
my parents, stayed together, never divorced, and were miserable for 40 years. their antagonism was a visceral thing. it was a loveless, sexless marriage, and it affected the kids, and them, to a devastating degree.
Wow, this has me crying. My partner hasn't touched me in 5+ years. He, the one time I could get him to talk to me about it, said it's not me and to not take it personally. I've been rejected more times than I can count. I've been told no, ignored, pushed away, and told "just take care of it yourself". I've lost so much sleep over this. I'll lay in bed asking why? Some times the pain is so bad I'll go sleep in the guest room because I can't lay there another second listening to him breathe. The rejection causes a physical, emotional, mental pain. I love him too much to walk away or cheat. I live with this pain each and every day.
@@BTmomma I know I'm not more than a random user on TH-cam, but you deserve to be happy, to be with someone who cares about you. Why don't you seek for help? Something like Couples therapy, maybe he will hear somebody else? Do not resign to live like that.
@@BTmomma You are so loved, Jesus died for you. You are worth the blood of a King. He rose on the 3day, he gives true Peace, love and joy. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11: 28-30
I was in a loveless, joyless, sexless marriage for 16 years. She refused to get counseling. She eventually filed for divorce. The situation destroyed me and our three kids. I wish we had seen this.
leave. plan it. execute. I did it to protect myself and ultimately my children. I did everything possible to protect the relationship with children for both parents and found a new live in my life and life has never been better.
Thank you for validating my feelings for the last 32 years. I've felt ashamed and unworthy of anyone caring for me. Your thought provoking comments may be the salve that heals lifelong injuries. May God Bless You.
But there are so many other types of rejection. For example when you ask for help and nobody is there or when you cry alone and the other ignores you and does not console you, when you talk and you notice the other is not listening, when you ask the other to do a chore and they say no, when you feel like the other is never paying 100% full attention to what you say, when you feel sometimes invisible and that nobody hears you or sees you or pays attention to you. All those are types of rejection as well.
Someone else may have said it here before, but it is better to break up than to stay in a relationship like that, in case you see the other person is not willing to make things better. You may miss her/his presence but you don't feel as infuriated and lonely as when you are constantly rejected. I say it from my own experience, of course.
@@dennisrobinson8008 Hey Dennis. Well, of course it's better if you stay busy and talk to somebody else about what you feel, this really helps a lot. In my case, it's been a year since I am alone and I still think about her, though not with a painful feeling now. I get angry, sometimes nostalgic, but you'll eventually move on and get over the person. I think that I will never forget her, but her memory is increasingly less problematic. Be patient.
@@celedonio23 It can help,, you know what's even better than that? Having fun and a great love life with someone who can't get enough of you. It feels in that hole she tore into you and rebuilds your self esteem. As long as we don't move on to having good love lives we remain EXACTLY WHERE THEY PLACED US. They PLACED US intentionally, think about that....
Never stay in a bad marriage "for the kids", either-it's destructive for them. The recovery is like any other event you grieve about. Patience and self-love will get you through...eventually!😃
They're right. That's one regret that I'll never lose. I got married because I had low self-esteem from plenty of dating rejections and thought she and I were similar and that I would not find anyone else who would be, then stayed married "for the kids" despite problems increasing for a long time Of course, now I see both clearly, and the divorce should have been at least 11 years sooner. It's too late.
@@nihilisticbarbie This. It's not always cheating. It's drifting and talkng each other for granted. I did, she did. It still hurts how she stopped touching me, how she seemingly didn't find me attractive any more. My touches were never reciprocated and I never really found out why. We would go away together and still nothing would happen. I wish we'd had couple's counselling.
Sadly this was my previous marriage. 8 years divorced from a very selfish, narcissistic woman. Now with the most amazing woman I've ever met. Rocks my world because she wants to, not because she has to.
A brilliant talk, delivered with deft and sensitivity! Many guys feel wrong and are shamed for wanting sex. The description of looking up at the ceiling and feeling alone...I shake my head with disbelief of how long I lived with that feeling. Thank you Michelle for validating so many of my thoughts and feelings.
Very insightful comment - it is typically men in this position though there are also women who have this awful experience of staring at the ceiling and feeling totally alone while the person you love is right next to them. Brilliant talk indeed and good insight on where to go from there. I hope you are in a better place.
Wow, one TED talk where she really spelt out the take home messages rather than trying to sell something. Sincere, well articulated, and obviously does a lot of good work, not just in her office. Bravissima!
One person decides 'no sex' and expects the partner to: Accept it Not complain about it You must be monogamous. That is all true but here is a difference. If it is the wife who decides “no sex' then the husband is portrayed as little more than a pervert. If it is the husband who decides “no sex” then the husband is portrayed as non caring human being and insensitive. Those same double standard arguments play out when it is the husband who cheats vs the wife who cheats.
Women actually don't love us. It's interesting, I work with teens and they show me the memes they create and pass around. The memes about boys and girls are very insightful. Just search "Boys vs Girls Memes" on TH-cam and check for yourself. Some of the humor can be obscure but if you're patient and observant you will get the message that boys are funny adventurous and unwanted.
Very insightful. It is so true that the person with the lower desire controls this aspect of the marriage, whereas in all other areas things are decided by mutual agreement. Even a small disparity in desire can leave the one partner feel lonely and rejected at times. Thanks for the talk Michele.
Thank you for helping me understand what I have been going through for the last 30 years. I now live (barely) with the mental/social collateral damage. How I wish I could show this to my wife - but I daren't it will be turned against me, made my fault, and leave me even more isolated.
Get out! It’s more than just ripping the bandaid off it’s like ripping stitches out. But those stitches are infected and there is no hospital. Rip the stitches out. You will find someone that you are happier with. It may be yourself.
If you still love her, tell her. I love you and I want to share this video with you. I am not saying its me or you, I’m just saying this video got me thinking we’re not enjoying each other as much as we use to. And I miss the feeling of you. Just my humble opinion
Who's really going to know another TH-cam poster by facial recognition to cause embarrassment? TH-cam by nature is perfect for anyone desiring to be anonymous.
I’m three years in and speaking with the lawyer today. I’m a woman with needs. He has no interest in meeting them and oh, I’m not to meet them either according to him. He says he will do better, but he never does. Therapy hasn’t worked.
Sad to hear. Love is everything. Divorce leaves a wake of destruction for years and the blast radius miles long and deep. I'm certain you'll express yourself clearly next time around as you have over the yrs w/ your spouse.. If your potential spouse understands, they will not be void of "listening" and sharing their intimate feelings esp as a Man. Best...
Thanks for the fantastic talk! I have been feeling guilty for leaving a long-term relationship because of the way I felt... No sex; no explanation; forbidden subject to talk about. Well, I'm 56 & still young & juicy. We had sex once a year for 4 years. He gave me "permission" to sleep around, which made me feel even worse for having a libido. Always the back in bed, but a wonderful guy. It wasn't about weight or any of that. I finally realized the only thing I could change was myself - and got me out of there! Wonderful talk - to hell with guilt! He didn't care enough about me to even let me talk about it. :D
I keep coming back to this incredible speech. I teeter on the brink of asking my wife to watch it but sadly easier to avoid the inevitable argument and continue to live through the cycle of depression and somehow be satisfied with this benign existence.
Not just you bro... mine too... thankfully, my former colleague suddenly came back to town after migrating, she's divorced now then she's now my gf. My wife doesn't need to know... ;) atleast now I'm satisfied and happy.
I sat down with my wife and let her listen to this with me, thank you for helping me at least try to save our marriage without resorting the rowing and blaming❤
@@osakadude honestly something kind of clicked in her, which made me happy, which made her happy. Shared the video with some friends, hopefully they have the same emotional reaction too. Good luck ❤️
The problem with this topic is that the spouse more in need of hearing this message is NOT the one here watching this. Ever.
100% agreed.
I am the one in my relationship who needs to hear this and I am here. Don’t be quick to jump to assumptions.
@@denizasr Fine. And I say that 99 out of 100 will agree with my comment.
@@KpxUrz5745 why do you want to be agreed with so much?
@@denizasr and now everyone can see why your the one in the relationship that needs this. Wow
Over a half million views! Thanks everyone for caring about this topic and watching my talk! I appreciate it!
Michelle! You are amazing. Amazing speech :) Like you, I believe that individuals can change the world and make it better one by one, bit by bit. And you've just spread your 'communicable disease' to over half a million of us! You've brightened up my week so much more for that. Thank you for being you and pursuing your passion. You are inspiring.
butter cup
You are very kind! I'm so glad that your week feels bright. Thanks for your generous, heartfelt feedback!
I've often said that war would end if everyone just got laid!
Raederle Phoenix
I "love" your attitude !! ; )
By the way, I observe thru my own marriage that in a relationship the one who loves less controls the relationship.
Please Michele comment on my following observations:
1) In a society where women are protected by law and convention, the wives or girlfriends are the main decision makers. Eg. If a male wants a truck, and the woman wants a sedan. They will buy a sedan.
My conjecture is that middle income families are matriarchal, but the lower and upper income families are patriarchal. I have done random samples of 7 women and 5 agreed with me. This is just anecdotal and not scientific.
MY conjecture is based on the males who desire sex more than women, but seems to contradict with what you said. Are there any peer reviewed research on this?
2) Because of my difficult marriage, I finally went to see a registered seasoned female psychologist, and within 10 minutes, she told me something unbelievable: that women do not forgive or forget, and that they are very verbal (they like to argue). I was astounded and frankly speechless for I would have never guessed such a gender difference. Again, I did anecdotal survey and there was consensus.
3) I don't remember the source of: most women feel that they are right most of the times. Again, I did anecdotal survey and there was consensus.
The reason I surprised by the above conjectures is that I had 3 girlfriends when I got married, but never spent much time with each of them. So when I got married, I basically went from mother to my wife, and therefore had very little experience with women. when I found our marriage so difficult, I assumed it was due to our incompatibilities but not anything to do with gender differences.
Oh, I forgot, my wife is self confessed perfectionist and she is very proud of that!!
Would appreciate a reply. Thanks
My wife would tell me “that’s all you want from me!” “That’s all you think about!” Now it’s been 1yr and I stopped asking and stopped touching her. It is such a miserable life. It sucks feeling sad all the time.
Yes maybe say yes that is all I want….so what!
If you " can't leave " for whatever reason then find what you need elsewhere.
I stopped asking about 2 years ago. At least this way I don’t get turned down.
Just divorce her, she ain't worth it.
I love how she talks about a sexless marriage not just being a “mens” problem. Many women are in sexless marriages too. My husband is personally never in the mood and says it’s because he works a lot. That may be true but when society tells you men are supposed to want it all the time, it hurts on an even deeper level because you feel like something must be wrong with you for him to hardly ever show any interest in you. The feeling of rejection is real.
Amen !!!!!!!!!
Yep. I know what you are talking about
Maybe share this with him and watch it together maybe it can at-least start the conversation. I wish you nothing but the best and good luck with your Husband 🙏🏾
@@chumbanga thank you! That’s a great idea and he also agreed to do couples counseling so I feel hopeful things can improve :) appreciate your kind words and encouragement!
YES! After so much rejection you finally quit initiating then you REALLY never get any. More than likely tho it is him & not you. He could have a low libido, low testosterone, depression, exhaustion, etc. . I never knew a man was fine with going 2 months without but mine is & I know it’s not me. He has horrible sleep apnea & works all the time so I think that’s a major part. He just had a sleep study last night & if this don’t fix it he better be going to the Dr or his meals gonna start being blue…😝
Why do I get the feeling that most people watching this are thinking "I wish my spouse would watch this."
🙍♀️🙋♀️
Cause all have hopes and desires....
In my case, it wouldn't do my wife any good to watch. Married 40 years, cut off 14 years ago, and in my religion, " sealed for time and all eternity "..................... I have serious concerns about the after-life.
Tomas Jay i understand what you are saying. But the after life would be better as there are no physical limitations. Aging is a physical limitation. In the after life there’s none of that.
Thank you Rafael, yes, what you say is definitely true. But, there is so much more to discuss concerning eternity, afterlife existence.
Its not just unresponsiveness but dismissal of ones feelings that hurts the most. To be vulnerable and willing to discuss feelings, only to have that turn into pure rejection is devastating.
My feelings also, half way through a 60 odd year marriage and still hopeing.
Ahhh the dismissive avoidant wife. The worst of the bunch.
@@kodeh7931I dunno, my dismissive avoidant husband was pretty heartbreaking. Esp since our society tells me all the time that men are kind of walking around wanting to screw every woman they see.
Your comment really spoke to my experience. 😢
Well put. The lack of empathy hit me hard, too.
What hit me hardest was the line about how one person decides no sex and the other has to accept it, not complain about it and stay monogamous. It is indeed an unworkable situation. I think sometimes people feel because they're married, they can do whatever they want thinking their spouse is "locked in".
Tell me about it.
That's exactly how wives treat their husbands and their marriage.
"I've got him by the balls. I make the rules. I decide how this relationshit works"
Dreaming Music husbands do that too , in my experience
100% AGREE
True
This just broke my heart... This is my life. The loneliness, the alienation... The sadness... The anger... The low self-esteem... It hurts... It is grieving over a death that is living.
It never gets better. Walk away right now.
I feel exactly the same way
Have you heard a word called divorce?
@@fullclipaudio cap, communication
@@spr6317 you be throwing the word divorce so easily, is about communication, ppl get married bc they want to spend the rest of their lives together, they love each other, is about communication and willingness to work on things together
So relatable… The loneliest I ever felt was laying in bed next to my husband.
(Unwanted, pushed away, abandoned...over time , Those slowly formed my identity, self-worth, how I viewed myself… A sexless marriage can deteriorate the heart and soul of a spouse.
I totally empathise with you Natalie
Jeremy Fraser I’m sorry you can, but it is nice to know you aren’t alone you know
@@natalie9884 yes - ditto - well lets hope things improve for us both! good luck
@natalie
the menopause fairy came. it wasn't a choice she made, rather kind of something that happened. at least that's the way she tells it.
Right there with you.
She speaks truth. I sleep in a different room now because rejection hurts way too much.
Rejection sucks
@@Yeawhateva I wish it sucked.........haha
Why didn't you divorce? That's not a marriage.
My parents have slept in seperate rooms for 30 years? Just don't get married, be single and enjoy your life and go after those dreams. Your partner will usually keep you from achieving this.
Sleeping in seprate rooms isn't solution. In fact, probably will only increase the distance between you and make things worst.
Watching this in a gym and trying hard to hold my tears back. She put it perfectly!!
Thank you for those loving words
I had a moment of clarity 10 yrs ago and left the bedroom for the couch cause I wasn't getting it enough. 9 yrs ago she made me leave. Great plan! That 9 yrs I gradually withdrew and started to let my professional life slide. Not badly but my motivation to provide evaporated. I went out and became an atm machine for my family to provide for my wonderful daughters. But all joy has evaporated.
There is some point when you are just afraid of more rejection and stoped trying, now i get it why, it literally hurts
Like, I know in my mind I'm an attractive man, but i feel at this moment just despicable
let's face it, our personal energy to invest in "trying" (whatever that is), is not unlimited. Eventually we kind of make different priorities, but I remember the words to an Eagles song: "I guess every form of refuge has its price..."
And maybe it is something about "age" that gives you a more complete picture of HOW MUCH DAMAGE that rejection has done.
Of course when it first happens, you do not have years (or decades) of reflection about it, to represent the impact of the loss, such as it ultimately appears to be.
I was told, decades ago by a wise mentor that such losses "still are remembered but eventually you realize that you can thing about them and it doesn't hurt anymore." Or maybe just doesn't hurt AS MUCH or hurts differently.
I dunno, I'm still doing the labs for that lecture series.
@Reggie Rendon
suppose all of those "women" thought the same thing about you.
@Reggie Rendon
I give up, how do you treat a complete stranger with "love and respect" especially if that stranger appears somehow attractive to you? Amid this love and respect I'm guessing that there might be some impulse to convey that sensation of attraction.
For extra points, distinguish that from a complete stranger in which you have no particular mating-interest but do have some reason to elsewise interact.
You just brought tears in my eyes. Now I know why I cant stop feeling so lonely. There’s nothing worse than looking at the ceiling and listen to your husband snores for hours night after night 😢
Its not just women feeling this way trust me
That’s my life too...
You dont have to stay unhappy. No one has to or should have to. Make the change. Leave him and find someone youre better suited with. It really is that simple when you break it down. And its not selfish either. Having said this though, snoring is a form of sleep apnea that defnitely affects a man's libido. That is a well documented fact. You may want to get that checked out as it could be the source of your problems. Just Google sleep apnea or snoring and low libido.
What a waste...you're a beauty.
Hi dearest beloved sister Allah Karim bless you and your family turn always 2 creator always kind n merciful to help us not 2 worry 2 only happy always ameen 🇸🇦🌹🇸🇦❤🇸🇦👑👌👍🤲☝️💖💝💘💛🧡🇸🇦
I can certainly relate to her words. Being rejected constantly really is tough to deal with.
Me too ...
And how many times was she rejected with the emotional needs?
Billy Moss 😏
Yes, it really is.😞😢
Do you constantly reject her when she asks you to do things like go here or go there?
My god, I have never felt so validated, seen, understood. Thank you, Michele.
I asked my wife to listen to your talk and it was an eye opener for her. You hit the nail on the head. Thank you very much. Her attitude change was immediate, and hopefully long lasting.
I doubt it will last
@@josephercastor8026 wow. You must be fun at parties. 😂
@@Dbb27 i liked your comment. Nobody else did. But they did like my comment because they agree
We are experienced at this. Women break up to make up as well, they need drama or they get bored.
@@Dbb27 ive gotten the woman of my dreams by the way which means im successful.
@@josephercastor8026 many women have been in abusive situations. Once one gets used to that it feels normal. My second husband, now of almost twenty years, and the love of my life didn’t feel ‘right’. I almost ended the relationship the first year. Fortunately I sat myself down and figured it out. I was so used to crazy from my prior that something felt off. Thank goodness I had worked on myself enough to figure it out. You call it boredom, I call it patterns of known and therefore comfortable behavior; even if it’s detrimental drama. It’s why women in abusive relationships end up back in another abusive relationship. ‘It felt like I knew him all my life’. Yup, run!
I had 15 years of no's, and after the divorce she said she made a terrible mistake, BUT by that time the IN-LOVE was gone.
I believe that is a very common ending.thanks
14 yrs for me.
She found out how other men treat women. Put out or get out.
A spoiled stay at home mom 33 yrs I got treated like wet news paper.
I got a lot NOs from my wife and we r only in our 30s. Tired, kids, overtime, headache, not in the mood, want to sleep, etc. so many excuses.
After 34yrs a lot of work and time. Just confusing i work hard and provide. I guess i still need to work on myself or try and communicate with my spouse but i can't continue to feel alone.
@@nicolathonathan770 Doesn't sound like excuses to me. It sounds like legitimate reasons. Also a sleep deprived mother in my 30s.
Unfortunately, most watchers are those who are starving.
No, they aren't
I can confirm I am. It's sad, but the top comments really are true. The people that NEED to see this as part of a relationship usually either won't or dismiss it as a nuisance. It really is tragic how something so simple can uproot and destroy families.
That's why we searched this
Not true.
I want to fix my marriage with my husband desperately. But it's extremely hard.. 😒
@@Elennar29 just it of curiosity, which side of the equation are you on?
It's better to be alone than miserable
At least when you are alone, every day brings the possibility of meeting someone.
Same thing
My older brother was late to get married, but was pressured to (by our mother) for years. I'd always respond that I'd rather he be single and satisfied than married and miserable like me. He finally did get married, though it's obviously a business marriage (convenience that's accepted as such by both) based on what his wife surprisingly told me when I first met her.
@@that_darn_cat yup. I can relate. No different than a mutually accepting arranged marriage.
Withholding sex is a cruel and unusual punishment. It is absolutely insane to demand monogamy from your partner while denying the only socially acceptable source of sexual satisfaction they have access to. How fitting that the one who should love us the most can be the most cruel .
Melanie V og så har
Benjaminr77880@Gmail.comre
I hear you brother. Yep financial slaves yet she can withold affection and uses the smallest transgressions to do so
Melanie V
Melanie V Agree wholeheartedly!!
Amen
Its so true that if theres no physical intimacy with your partner , then all other areas fall apart as well.
Ditto...over and over.
Dan Hulsizer
Exactly
Karin Brosnick
I can't even remember how many ways I've tried to tell my wife this.
@@deanb024
maybe sometimes TELLING does not get something across, where SHOWING might.
So true. A very deep depression follows the abstinence, especially if it is not discussed. It resembles a deep loss, just like losing a loved one. I am fully aware. Thank you for your lecture.
Hi Madonna, it’s a good video. Good comment by you. Greetings from Ireland ☘️. Best wishes for a lovely day 😊🙏 Michael
Wow.... so it is not only I who feels this way. Thanks so very much for sharing such an intimate, such an extremely personal thought.
Strange that sharing pain does seem to make it lesser....
Totally agree!
@@Michael-bf1dt😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊kk o😅z z, jj. Aa in j
This is such a painful topic.
It absolutely killed my marriage.
It's so very hurtful.
Hang in there. Don't stop fighting
@@Adam_Ella p
Did mine too until I had these surgeries and she stepped up to the task
It started to kill mine too but somehow we found the magic again. It's a careful dance of courtship and fulfillment. One can't just expect it but also needs to be intuitive and both parties need to live to fulfill eachothers needs.
Wake up each day with just one goal, if you manage two things, then it's a great day.
This is the sincerest, most open TED talk, that I have seen to date. Way to go Michele!!
+Jeff Sadowski Thank you so much! I appreciate your kind feedback. I'm glad you liked the talk.
@@micheleweiner-davis5198 you were outstanding!
Truly the best TED talk I've seen
The disconnection really does hurt. She doesn't get it. I've talked til blue in the face. Nothing has changed. It truly is the lonliest place
Gary Flater this is heartbreaking
Life is too short to live that way.
My soul is destroyed
Imagine how lonely it is to be violated by your spouse...
Yep!! Don’t know how many times I have had that conversation or made it known for it change for a short while to go back to what it was before and worse.
I've been with my partner for twenty years. We've watched everyone around us split up. I think we work because we are like kids still. we curl up together every night. we watch tv, talk, spend time together. And we have sex as often as we can. We enjoy each other. I learned early on that if i want the best from my spouse, she needs me to be there. Not just in the same house but WITH her. I hit on her and flirt constantly. We both joke and laugh. We play fight. We cuddle. We talk to each other and do things for each other. Much is made of us all needing to be busy and rushing off to do things for the sake of doing them. I doubt many people at the end of their lives wish they'd been to more karate lessons, took more cooking classes etc. A lot of people wish they had more sex, and had held on to someone they love. Relationships work as long as you make each other your priority.
AMEN!! You got it.
Cleatus, do you find your spouse physically attractive? sexy, desirable? if so is it because of who she is, her personality, or because you see it with your eyes and feel it physically?
h in
This just hit home..
@ Lordfinesse Why are you so angry?? He is being honest he is telling his truth.
I really wished that this could be shown to couples before marriage.
Hi Jen, have you come across the book Cupid's poisoned arrow?
Great point.
We're here hahah
here🎉😂
they probably wouldnt understand it, but atleast would be aware of the danger and remember to get help when the icicles start forming!
I do not want my wife to, " Just Do It!!!" I want her to, WANT to do it!!!
Sometimes starting off by just doing it leads a person to realizing they really want it. It works that way for millions of people.
I agree desire is key to being excited
PERFECT... WE ALL WANT TO BE WANTED. IT MAKES THE GIVING BETTER.
Like just doing you a favor
The WANT follows the DOING. As she forces HERSELF (NOT you forcing her), she will BEGIN TO WANT IT MORE & MORE. NOW YOU GOT ME USING ALL CAPS WHEN I'M NOT EVEN MAD LOL!!!
I had to take breaks watching this because I couldn't stop crying. I've always been the one that sought more connection, more touch, and in my marriages, it eventually ruined them both. I am older now, and hopefully wiser, but I am back in the same boat. I am trying to learn from my mistakes, be more tolerant, patient, and understanding, but I'm still having difficulty with the disconnect. Her comments about rejection hit me so hard that I still have tears sliding down my cheeks. I know he loves me, but knowing it and feeling it are completely different things. I'm asking him to watch this. I need to know I'm not alone, because it always feels as though I am.
+Victoria Pierce Read The Sex-Starved Wife. You will not feel alone because you are NOT alone. I hope your partner watches the talk.
+Michele Weiner-Davis Thank you for posting this video!!! I am struggling for two years with this issue. Could not stop crying while watching the video and seeing myself in that same situation.
Me too 😢😢😢 but I'm only 24 and we've only been married a month. 😞 been together almost 7 yrs and it's already getting tough 😔
I feel your pain as if it were my own. My boyfriend is on a lot of medication and recently suffered the loss of a friend of 25+ years. Both of these things affect a man's desire and performance. I am learning to NOT internalize the rejection, that just because he isn't interested in sex doesn't necessarily mean that he isn't still interested in me as a person. There is far more to our relationship than the mind-blowing sex that we so rarely have.
I have recently been talking to my second husband. Talking with him has caused me to view my current relationship in a more forgiving light. I may often not get my needs met, but he tries hard and often makes overt gestures toward my need for contact. While it may be true that I could get more of my needs met by another, I am getting all that my Joe has to give. For the moment, it's enough.
+Victoria Pierce intimacy is 30% touch. as a guy with higher sex drive 70% of intimacy is emotional.
How many of us here are looking at our years of abstinence while our partner frets about just about anything? Never a priority, always busy, always tired, nothing.
Yeah I have completely given up, I make her atleast cuddle me at this point, because she won't cuddle up to me lol
if she doesn't want to cuddle you forcing her doesn't help. Because she will come to you with that resistant negative energy.
I wish I had man that wasn't too busy to spend time with me. Mine over the 13 years was always working, or dealing with a son he was financially supporting.
Great video. When this isn’t worked out, the drama leads to disgust, which eventually leads to loss of attraction, and soon leads to settling as roommates or the relationship coming to an end.
Yep, this is me. Too much drama from him including personal attacks and I don’t feel like taking care of him
@@LenaL146 😨
@@LenaL146 It's not worth it to stay in a loveless & toxic marriage. I stayed in a bad marriage because i was very attached to my Border Collie & once he died, i filed for divorce and moved out of the house. The last 2 years of my marriage were sexless & i avoided her like the plauge. Slept in my mancave & bought my own food, etc.
@@richardmilliken8705 that's sucks brother, but much respect on staying for your Border Collie in it's late stage. I had a similar situation, where I moved back in with an ex so that we could both take care of our sick dog for it's final months alive.
Yes. When it's not resolved the attraction fades, making a resolution more challenging. One can lose the motivation to even initiate anymore. I guess even then there's a chance but it takes a good sit down and honest talking. That's not always easy of course
I have never before heard such an eloquently expressed explanation of the importance of intimacy in a relationship! You are amazing :)
Hi Brain, how is your relationship going? Have you come across the book Cupid's poisoned arrow?
Without intimacy my relationship died years ago
The person who cares the least(in the relationship), controls the relationship.
dammit
Wise words. Damn it i care too much.
There’s always one who loves more.
That is so true and something I learned 20 years ago. And then the one in control -who doesn't care- will put the blame on her/his partner .
It happens a Lot
I asked my husband to watch this and he refused. He said I was just trying to change him. We are just roommates at this point.
I didn't even bother asking her to watch, I know the answer ahead of time. The story this woman tells of John and Mary is a touching one, but as with anyone else, it takes two who are willing to talk and listen to the other. When one doesn't, that leads to resentment, which is cancerous to any form of intimacy.
You are not alone. I think some women and take their husbands for granted. But yet they want us to remain faithful. When needs aren't being met.
..-and many husbands don’t date their wives like they did before the marriage
Debbie. Dump him! He controls your relationship
@@thewrongshoes: First, I can't believe I am talking to another Smoot. Second, if the man stops opening the car door for his wife, he has made one of the biggest, but simplest mistakes of his life, and the marriage suffers for such discourtesy that was once a very important act when love was new.
I almost didn't click on this video, I'm glad I did. I have a great marriage but sometimes we get derailed so it's nice to be reminded on how to get back on track. There are many things that connected and rang true to me in this lecture. I even cried when you told the story of John and Mary. But one line that also resonated with me is when you said "I didn't choose my career, my career chose me..." That's an aha moment for me and sort of gave me a new perspective on how to look at my job right now.
Hello, Carol,
How are you doing today?
All of these comments from women astonish me. I have been faithfully married for 30+ years, I am still in very good shape, and not too unattractive. My wife seems very happy with our life together, but has absolutely no interest in physical intimacy. It is really depressing. Whenever I initiate anything, she makes me feel that I am "forcing" her, and I lose the desire to continue... So we just go on, like brother and sister...
Tragic
RIGHT I HAVE BEEN SAYING THIS FOR YEARS."THE LONGER YOU ARE MARRIED THE MORE YOU BECOME LIKE BROTHER AND SISTER
Very sad.
I'm right there with you brother. The slow death of intimacy over the 24 years of our marriage has morphed my relationship with my wife into little more than a "domestic partnership". She's still my best friend but we haven't been more than superficially intimate in many years. I manage to guilt her into the occasional quickie but there's no real connection, and she makes it plainly obvious that she'd rather be doing virtually anything else. I haven't felt wanted or desired in such a long time that infidelity on my part is only a matter of time. I don't want my marriage to end, but I can see it coming and I see no way of preventing it.
@@robillardjosh i feel the same. I've talked to her about it and she simply replies " I'm just not interested " I've never felt so lonely. It also angers me that she knows it's important to me and still doesn't care. Even if she offered now i wouldn't want to just knowing how little i mean to her.
Women like this lady are a rare treasure. Patience, empathy, stopping to consider their partner's feelings, going one inch out of their comfort zone for the guy they claim to love... these seem to elude the majority.
I am so sorry
I'm in the same boat
It's sad and frustrating
@clean cyclist Divorce her. Now.
If a wife does not want to give pleasure to their husband then why are they married?
Great points: Being repeatedly rejected by a spouse opens up feelings of vulnerability, this vulnerability turns into anger and contempt, anger leads to sexual withdrawal, heightened anger leads to sexual anorexia. How can one stay in a marriage that continually cycles this way, with someone who supposedly loves you? It's like a cruel merry-go-round that never stops. It's not a man vs. woman issue, because all human beings are innately selfish at times. Sex can and should be an act of love, of meeting the needs of someone you love, and of actively participating in that love together. If there is no sex drive, then DO something to change things. Stop living in denial. This problem won't go away. The other person in the marriage is suffering from painful loneliness and degraded self-esteem. This little issue becomes a living, breathing elephant in the room that stands in the way of a healthy relationship. Women are allowed to be passionate and sexual beings. Men are allowed to be passionate and sexual beings. We need to start talking about this more, before and during our marriages.
Tess Taylor Bravo! You get it. Thanks.
Ñ
Tess Taylor
yes agreed. My answer was, after 25 years, a divorce
Spot on🙏🏻😘
Best comment on here!
Her ability to speak and convey empathy, anyone who is lucky enough to work with her is incredibly lucky. But most of all, her strong ending was absolute perfection. I love a confident woman sharing her power with the world 🫶
"The principle of least interest" is a term describing the fact that the person who cares the least has the power in the relationship.
mag steel that is so true, because they can walk away anytime they choose, WOW that kind of hurt goes deep!
it is ironic that the ultimate power in a relationship seems to lie in not caring who has the power.
The pressure is on the side that actually cares..
Not true in my case
@@gschneider225 I think you still care.
Jesus can help you. He loves you more than you know.
Divorce; starts in the bedroom, ends in the courtroom.
Divorce starts in the minds and transforms through actions
Very true❤️
no the main cause of divorce is the death of communication, on one spouse or both spouses are not willing to compromise and worse one or both spouses put their own selfish needs before their spouses need.
Very True...
I TOTALLY agree!!
As a therapist who works with a lot of couples especially around the issues of sexuality, I have to say she is spot on. I'l be recommending this video to my clients.
Jordan McNeely Thank you so much for your support of my work! I have the couples in my practice watch it too when appropriate. Let me know how it goes!
+Michele Weiner-Davis I really, really need help with this in my marriage. I don't know if you conduct sessions over the internet or not, but I'd be willing to pay you any amount of money I can, I am desperate, I'll do anything. Please, if you can help me, please contact me.
So ... you agree ... it's all the husband's fault.
@ in the video she clearly states that the roles are, a significant amount of the time, reversed. so much so that she calls it one of the 'best kept secrets'. and anyway, she never once said it's only 1 persons fault. it's a two way street. idk what video you watched, but it doesn't seem to be this one.
Hello Jordan How are you doing
I wish I had known about someone as amazing as yourself 23 years ago. I finally left a marriage of 15 years due to the same situation. Much aggression came from my spouse. And it ultimately split our family. I had two wonderful daughters that became the only reason I stayed was my love for them. I went to a therapist to see what I could do to save my marriage. So I got very little hope from that. Thank You for addressing this. If just one couple can be saved, it’ll be worth it.
I have been this spouse to my husband, I'm sorry to say. You've helped me after watching this video. Thank you.
You should have married someone more attractive.
@@andrewdevine3920 Shame on both of you
I'm glad this video has helped open your eyes, it takes a lot to admit when you're wrong.
@@andrewdevine3920 No, it was my own fault and sin. I was selfish and acted as if only my needs mattered. Take your rudeness about my husband elsewhere. He is amazing. I don't deserve a man so loving. 💔
@@victoriaadkins3729 Yeah, it was this and God that did it. The Bible tells spouses not to deprive each other for a reason. 😉
If you are chronically turning down your spouse, you've already divorced them.
Or send he/ she to be with Someone else! That gives them Attention! Be careful!
You wise little thing.
And handed them a free pass to get that need elsewhere.
@@mariaaugustavieira6721 and the spouse that seeks that attention elsewhere will be considered at fault and looked down upon. While the other gets a pass
Is it really cheating if you stray and she hasn't given any affection or love to you in a year? What exactly are you cheating on?
Excellent. Simply the best commentary I've ever heard from a therapist on intimacy and love. In my experience, none of the counselors I met ever came close to this inside, vibrant, dynamic knowledge. Every single time, they were people who made separation and divorce seem inevitable.
Word for word exactly my thoughts and experience as well. This was the most valuable TED talk I have ever watched, as well as being, in my opinion, the single most valuable piece of advice for maintaining the connection, health and longevity within a marriage!
This is one of the most authentic and insightful talk I have seen, heard and understood on TedX.👌No bookish knowledge but pure wisdom. 👏
No truer words have been spoken as I have lived it and it does hurt more than anything I can describe. It is a deep pain.
If feels like punishment, inadequacy and unworthiness...close to you are not important its a lot of pain 💔
Golden rule: If you turn someone down you love, always directly make a counterproposal to show them that you care about their happiness.
so i'm not in the mood now. how about next week... love you..
EGD 🗣🗣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
No...that's called appeasement
NO! I DON'T WANT TO BE INTIMATE WITH YOU.... but how about a nice blender?
@@thegreatbamboozler4837 Can I interest you in this lifetime supply of Turtle Wax?
You have opened my eyes....7years late, but never the less. Thank you. Do I even dare share this with my X-wife, in hopes in getting back together...I still love her so much...
Robin Hooper , if you don't do it, you'll never know if it could have made a difference. Go out and get her back! Good luck.
You have made the break, don't go over old ground, it will mostly disappoint and hurt all the more. Try new pastures, it will be the best path to take. If you were still married yes try it, but to be rejected again will kill you inside. Take care.
Reminder for the day. Low sexual desire isn't about women. Both genders experience this. My talk isn't about men vs. women.
There was no mention of deficient hormone levels playing a roll here. It's not always about control or caring. Sometimes it's medical. What's the advice then?
Also, no mention of the person not being the same person as who you fell in love with anymore, physically or personality. ?
Men are designed to spread their seeds. Women are designed to hang onto one provider.
@@stobi - Not only that but many women lose their looks more quickly than their partners.
Michele Weiner-Davis thank you so much for the insight you have given me regarding the low libido vs high libido construct. We have walked through most of those examples many times throughout our 40 year marriage. I wonder, had we had this info then, if life would have been more about the intimacy. If.
Sharing the heck out of this!! ✨💖✨
How about work schedules? If one works 65 hours a week and the other 40 or less, does exhaustion has a role with the after work routines of daily life before your time together with the significant other?
I wish you would discuss the opposite scenario: a wife who longs for touch with a husband who cannot or will not respond. This is the reason our children are adopted, and it's also the reason I have suffered so long with depression.
yes it can happen both ways
I can so relate to you. It's like I'm reading about me
She did say it can affect both men as well as women.
Either way it is painful.either one must go early for Counselling and set it right or part ways.
I wholeheartedly agree. It doesn't sound like this applied in your situation, but if I'm any indication, a man changes in this area over time. A man wants it all the time when he's younger (teens-50), but that want is based on whatever arouses him, typically whatever he sees during the day that fits that, and if whatever that is no longer exists, or not as much, that could be one factor. Another is that the want naturally diminishes over time. A third is the "use it or lose it" aspect, which accelerates the diminishing of the want. Another important factor is ego. A man who used to be "instant on" who no longer can do so and needs his spouse's help in foreplay increasingly more may be reluctant/embarrassed to communicate that, and the prospect of not being able to "perform," however he defines that, may be enough to result in excuses and "disinterest."
I lived in a sexless marriage for 6 years. It was the most painful, lonely, and hurtful situation I've ever dealt with. Being rejected on a daily basis by the one person who is supposed to love and accept you is damaging beyond words. It destroys your sense of self worth and self confidence and creates this pervasive and powerful negative loop in your head that runs non stop. Sometimes I wish something like this had been available for my ex-husband to see before things finally came to a head, but a part of me is glad it wasn't. There was so much damage (done out of hurt, anger and spite) to each other during our marriage that I fully believe it was beyond repair.
I really don't think people realize just how much damage it does when you completely shut your partner down consistently.
***** - It's a beautiful thing you're doing. Especially now people are so wrapped up in their own individual bubbles that they forget about how they affect the world around them. We live in a society where we're supposedly more connected by technology, when instead it's allowed us to become even more isolated from each other. Thanks for the reminder to reconnect with each other.
Maggie O'Shea
Thanks again. Reconnect.....that's what's really important. You're right! :-)
Yes, they fully realize how much damage it causes, that's the point. They just don't care...........
@@maggieoshea7660 Hi Maggie, do you have any updates. From 8 years ago you must have recovered?
@@nobody46820yes, but they do care. They want to punish, because they HATE you with a passion
This talk brought me to tears. Thank you very much, let's hope this message reaches the one I love.
Hello...
Do you need help in any of this areas get your crush attention get your ex back
( Dr Gabriel) he is the best when it comes In recovery of relationship.he helped me
Text...... him ....via ...WhatsApp... would .......explain .....how it works + 1 2 6 0 2 7 5 5 1 6 0
I enjoyed this talk. I would love to hear more solutions for when the low-sex-drive partner is the husband, and the one desiring more sex is the wife. The problem with the "just do it" method is that it usually requires the higher-sex-drive partner to initiate the sex, but I have been rejected by my husband so many times, I just want him to come on to ME. I don't want to risk further rejection.
First, ask your husband to watch this video with you. Then, read, The Sex-Starved Wife. There will be many ideas in that book for you. Hang in there, Michele
Same here.
Same here
Has it gotten better?
@@CarolinHauser Jesus loves you
Choose your mate carefully and take your time doing so.
You can choose carefully and take your time but truth is that people change every day, week, year, life event to life event. There is no telling what our responses to certain experiences will be. I believe that you need to grow and change, sometimes together and sometimes individually but always respecting each other.
No one in their 50's is the same person they were in their 20's
*+Yolie Valdivia-Nungaray* So very very true.
@@yolievaldivia-nungaray3765 Be in a relationship for at least 2 years with the person before you marry.
@@valken666 married almost 21 yrs and dated 7... people still change😉
Mark Kelley
Yeah, but isn't LOVE, BLIND???
I find Michele Weiner-Davis to be highly credible. She avoids all the BS and gets right to the heard of the core, profound relationship issues that impact intimacy.
Thank you very much. I appreciate your feedback.
Michele Weiner-Davis BBC
Michele Weiner-Davis
I really enjoyed your talk and wish I could schedule an appointment to see you.
Nothing new here. Man = bad; woman = perfection. Been hearing that for over 50 years now.
@ wow, you missed a LOT ! and probably have for over 50 years.
"We have to take better care of each other"...such a true statement. I know marriage is not easy and there are two sides to every story. Its heartbreaking to know people are living their lives married with zero physical intimacy.
After 23 years together and no intimacy of ANY kind for the the last 6-7 years, I can't deal with it anymore. I still love her, but it hurts so much. I'm leaving in 2 weeks.
@@keithcliver1041 I’m so sorry to hear that. I wish you the best on your new journey. 💗
Agreed. Have you come across the book Cupid's poisoned arrow?
Asexual people exist and are living very well that way I think
Don t worry.....there are millions in life on this planet who also go single trew life also don t know what intimacy is anymore...
thank you so much, I showed this to my wife and she finally understood. you're a marriage saver
You're very fortunate that she would watch and that she understood. Great news!
Going to bed is the most stressful part of my day. The nightly rejection from my husband makes me damn near suicidal.
Soo sad! don’t commit suicide for a damn man Who don’t want you or appreciate you. I think you should work on yourself look beautiful always and show him you can get any man you want. 🖕🏽him!
@@BlushNa This does seem worth a try.
I wouldn't reject you.
I felt that 😥 thats why I've been sleeping in another room for the last year.... im not any less lonely or deprived but slightly less sad
This is how I feel with my wife. I think she goes to sleep a couple hours after me to avoid the subject. And I only ask maybe twice per week, not like I'm asking every day. The constant rejection because she has a headache is so annoying.
This was an amazing talk. What she talked about succinctly or near enough to how I feel about my sexless marriage. As a husband to a wife of 7 years, this will help immensely. Thank you!
You've got to wonder how many people have ended their lives due to being stuck in a sexless marriage. You may think that's a ridiculous statement, but if I've thought of it, and considered it, you can damn well believe others have as well. The thought of the pain of living like this for the rest of your life can be overwhelming and soul crushing.
Thank you for bringing up the aspect of it being so soul crushing that some people think about ending their lives because of this deeply hurtful type of rejection. Not many think about that possibility.
Thank you for sharing this! It's not a ridiculous statement at all. I've thought of it, considered it, screamed it out loud for it to all end (I had a series of thankless, dead-end jobs as well that I had stayed in because my ex kept losing hers) for decades now, even sometimes post-marriage. It is soul-crushing.
I know of three women who have done that. I don't want to be one but I understand it.
I think about it constantly 😢
Respectfully, it’s torture when they know exactly how you feel however He/She is just thinking of themselves.
Hi Mariana, has it gotten better for you?
So true
Exactly right!!! It’s even worse when you have the talk many times and refuse to fix the problem.
The constant rejection is soul-crushing. It's akin to torture. :(
I think why this happens in marriage is because after a while people take each other for granted. They shouldn't, but it happens. And It's also taboo to say it comes down to boredom. You love your partner, but relationships are not exciting after a certain amount of time. That's the reality, and that is why you have to work at it, and try to bring the excitement back.
I know where you are coming from when 2 people get over comfortable but all it takes to get the spark back is a simple surprise here and there like one single rose or a surprise picnic - complement her hair how she looks so forth
Over six years ago I watched this. Since then I divorced my husband of 29 years and met my boyfriend. My ex had never had a libido that matched mine. Now I am with a man who’s libido not only matches mine, our connection is incredible. I’m 63, my boyfriend is 67. It’s never too late, but I wish I’d gotten out sooner.
Congratulations, I divorced my 6 years sexless marriage, married for 18 years last 6 horrible….. I am 53 she 55 … like I said never to late
I just did not want to go through divorce. I need a woman friend in similar circumstances.there must be some out there.
I literally have headaches about this, it’s so frustrating and hurtful. It’s created so much resentment in me towards her. All she sees it as is me complaining, I’m tired of doing this, I don’t want to cheat, but I have a right to be loved and feel loved don’t I?
instead of cheating, why don't you either get a divorce or tell her you're going to stay married but sleep around? that way you don't have to lie or hide anything
Leave her. Simple as
As others say, just get a divorce. If you don't have children together, this is the only moment you can take that decision without hurting anyone.
Everyone has the right to feel loved. I would almost think of it as an obligation to yourself. You have to let yourself be free of the nonparticipating spouse and allow yourself to experience the love you want with another. When your spouse detaches from you physically they have left you. Unless you have caused this somehow, it means your spouse has an issue - many people have problems with intimacy. Some people are just really physically lazy as well. If there are reasons to stay married, then I believe in the legal marriage and happiness found outside of it. There is no single right way to live. Find your best way past the situation. Live fully. No marriage can be made with a nonparticipating spouse, it's just a room mate. Don't worry about what others think. You can tell them to go ahead and step into your life if they think you should remain without physical love. You shouldn't.
Amen
I had over 17 years of a sexless marriage. In reality I am still carrying the mental torture and never let a woman get inside my heart ....
I am the same but don't want another man in my life.
Learn game brother
If married couples only know how to respect the feelings of other, life would be beautiful.
25 for me
10 for me
So many woman including myself, have forced themselves to be willing, too many times while not feeling like doing it, but still hoping that the feeling would get back, only to be increasingly more frustrated and eventually not having any lust left. That ruined my last relationship, and I would have loved to know how we could have worked that out.
This is another subject that is worthy of a TED talk.
Did you find a solution?
my parents, stayed together, never divorced, and were miserable for 40 years. their antagonism was a visceral thing. it was a loveless, sexless marriage, and it affected the kids, and them, to a devastating degree.
That is super sad and a message to all of us that we need to find a way to interrupt the cycle so that it doesn't describe us!
@@tanyawadley1822 Amen
Very common in traditionalist society, the most important thing is being married for many years, being happy and fulfilled is not important
As a Therapist of 34 years, I can say she's Very good.
step 2. now what.
Wow, this has me crying. My partner hasn't touched me in 5+ years. He, the one time I could get him to talk to me about it, said it's not me and to not take it personally. I've been rejected more times than I can count. I've been told no, ignored, pushed away, and told "just take care of it yourself". I've lost so much sleep over this. I'll lay in bed asking why? Some times the pain is so bad I'll go sleep in the guest room because I can't lay there another second listening to him breathe. The rejection causes a physical, emotional, mental pain. I love him too much to walk away or cheat. I live with this pain each and every day.
congratulations, you experience what 80% of husbands experience.
Were you able to talk about that since you commented this?
@@alobpreis still in the same situation. He refuses to talk. I'm still here because despite this issue I do love him.
@@BTmomma I know I'm not more than a random user on TH-cam, but you deserve to be happy, to be with someone who cares about you. Why don't you seek for help? Something like Couples therapy, maybe he will hear somebody else? Do not resign to live like that.
@@BTmomma You are so loved, Jesus died for you. You are worth the blood of a King.
He rose on the 3day, he gives true Peace, love and joy.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11: 28-30
I was in a loveless, joyless, sexless marriage for 16 years. She refused to get counseling. She eventually filed for divorce. The situation destroyed me and our three kids. I wish we had seen this.
I'm so sorry to hear that! Was it kinda bad from the beginning or it just deteriorated?
Hello Rick How are you doing
Im sorry to hear that Rick. hope you are doing well.
I concur with another post, Michele delivers this with such clarity that I had never heard before. I am Wowed!
I'm in this right now, and feel like I can't leave for a lot of reasons. It's been years, and it is misery.
leave. plan it. execute. I did it to protect myself and ultimately my children. I did everything possible to protect the relationship with children for both parents and found a new live in my life and life has never been better.
have you come across the book Cupid's poisoned arrow?
Thank you for validating my feelings for the last 32 years. I've felt ashamed and unworthy of anyone caring for me. Your thought provoking comments may be the salve that heals lifelong injuries. May God Bless You.
Dale, Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm so happy you found my talk helpful.
Awesome talk and so much truth in her words. Rejection hurts for sure. A lot of couples need to watch this.
But there are so many other types of rejection. For example when you ask for help and nobody is there or when you cry alone and the other ignores you and does not console you, when you talk and you notice the other is not listening, when you ask the other to do a chore and they say no, when you feel like the other is never paying 100% full attention to what you say, when you feel sometimes invisible and that nobody hears you or sees you or pays attention to you. All those are types of rejection as well.
Someone else may have said it here before, but it is better to break up than to stay in a relationship like that, in case you see the other person is not willing to make things better. You may miss her/his presence but you don't feel as infuriated and lonely as when you are constantly rejected. I say it from my own experience, of course.
How long did it take to recover? And what was required to recover?
@@dennisrobinson8008 Hey Dennis. Well, of course it's better if you stay busy and talk to somebody else about what you feel, this really helps a lot. In my case, it's been a year since I am alone and I still think about her, though not with a painful feeling now. I get angry, sometimes nostalgic, but you'll eventually move on and get over the person. I think that I will never forget her, but her memory is increasingly less problematic. Be patient.
@@celedonio23 It can help,, you know what's even better than that? Having fun and a great love life with someone who can't get enough of you. It feels in that hole she tore into you and rebuilds your self esteem. As long as we don't move on to having good love lives we remain EXACTLY WHERE THEY PLACED US. They PLACED US intentionally, think about that....
Never stay in a bad marriage "for the kids", either-it's destructive for them. The recovery is like any other event you grieve about. Patience and self-love will get you through...eventually!😃
They're right. That's one regret that I'll never lose. I got married because I had low self-esteem from plenty of dating rejections and thought she and I were similar and that I would not find anyone else who would be, then stayed married "for the kids" despite problems increasing for a long time Of course, now I see both clearly, and the divorce should have been at least 11 years sooner. It's too late.
I can’t stand of my marriage... and this speech makes me crying.
Me too. Right there with you. I'm crying as well. Totally hit home
@@stacywhite3907 Me too, I feel like I am in a destructive loop.
Funny, I haven't teared up in a long time, but hearing about that wife chuckle at that husbands grievance really got me flowing
Lack of sex is sad, but quite common. The lack of non sexual intimacy, the simple loving touch when spurned is deeply painful.
Rob Nielsen yahsureyabetcha!
Rob Nielsen I believe because many are straying outside of marriage
@@rjaqueline2378 People take their partners for granted
Quite common????
@@nihilisticbarbie This. It's not always cheating. It's drifting and talkng each other for granted. I did, she did. It still hurts how she stopped touching me, how she seemingly didn't find me attractive any more. My touches were never reciprocated and I never really found out why. We would go away together and still nothing would happen. I wish we'd had couple's counselling.
Sadly this was my previous marriage. 8 years divorced from a very selfish, narcissistic woman. Now with the most amazing woman I've ever met. Rocks my world because she wants to, not because she has to.
Am the opposite. Living with a selfish narcissistic personality disordered husband. Never wants it.
it just shows you it was worth moving on well done
Wait til you have kids
@@jsharkee We have 4 combined.
Lucky. We cannot blame the disinterested. We may appreciate the limitation and move aside..if that is possible
A brilliant talk, delivered with deft and sensitivity! Many guys feel wrong and are shamed for wanting sex. The description of looking up at the ceiling and feeling alone...I shake my head with disbelief of how long I lived with that feeling. Thank you Michelle for validating so many of my thoughts and feelings.
+144Donn And thank YOU for your kind and thoughtful feedback. I'm glad you feel validated!
Very insightful comment - it is typically men in this position though there are also women who have this awful experience of staring at the ceiling and feeling totally alone while the person you love is right next to them. Brilliant talk indeed and good insight on where to go from there. I hope you are in a better place.
You are right : worldwide 17 women are in that position.
DirkDucat guess I'm 1 of 17 then
I guess I am one of the 17 too then
Didn't want to listen to this whole thing, but she has a magical way of speaking that kept my attention.
Wow, one TED talk where she really spelt out the take home messages rather than trying to sell something. Sincere, well articulated, and obviously does a lot of good work, not just in her office. Bravissima!
This is perhaps one of the most important sharing in today’s marriages
I really like Michele, she seems quite genuine and a sweetheart! Thanks Michele! Good work!
One person decides 'no sex' and expects the partner to:
Accept it
Not complain about it
You must be monogamous.
That is all true but here is a difference.
If it is the wife who decides “no sex' then the husband is portrayed as little more than a pervert.
If it is the husband who decides “no sex” then the husband is portrayed as non caring human being and insensitive.
Those same double standard arguments play out when it is the husband who cheats vs the wife who cheats.
Women actually don't love us. It's interesting, I work with teens and they show me the memes they create and pass around. The memes about boys and girls are very insightful. Just search "Boys vs Girls Memes" on TH-cam and check for yourself. Some of the humor can be obscure but if you're patient and observant you will get the message that boys are funny adventurous and unwanted.
Or she is called a nymphomaniac !
Very insightful. It is so true that the person with the lower desire controls this aspect of the marriage, whereas in all other areas things are decided by mutual agreement. Even a small disparity in desire can leave the one partner feel lonely and rejected at times. Thanks for the talk Michele.
Pamina Bohrer And thanks for your insightful comment.
Thank you for helping me understand what I have been going through for the last 30 years. I now live (barely) with the mental/social collateral damage. How I wish I could show this to my wife - but I daren't it will be turned against me, made my fault, and leave me even more isolated.
Get out! It’s more than just ripping the bandaid off it’s like ripping stitches out. But those stitches are infected and there is no hospital. Rip the stitches out. You will find someone that you are happier with. It may be yourself.
Been there and still am. Lucky for divorce lawyer.
If you still love her, tell her. I love you and I want to share this video with you. I am not saying its me or you, I’m just saying this video got me thinking we’re not enjoying each other as much as we use to. And I miss the feeling of you. Just my humble opinion
@@shirttail1725 I like the idea, but it is very naive.
@@shirttail1725 That was for Keith right?
I don't want to point out any specific poster here, but I find it amazing the personal information that people disclose on TH-cam.
Who's really going to know another TH-cam poster by facial recognition to cause embarrassment? TH-cam by nature is perfect for anyone desiring to be anonymous.
+kenp3L like who's going to know who i am or you are? Geeze paranoid much :-)
+kenp3L Some people are very open. It's just sex.
+kenp3L well you're telling people you don't know, it cannot affect you when you leave the computer.
hahah repressed much?
I’m three years in and speaking with the lawyer today. I’m a woman with needs. He has no interest in meeting them and oh, I’m not to meet them either according to him. He says he will do better, but he never does. Therapy hasn’t worked.
Sad to hear. Love is everything. Divorce leaves a wake of destruction for years and the blast radius miles long and deep. I'm certain you'll express yourself clearly next time around as you have over the yrs w/ your spouse.. If your potential spouse understands, they will not be void of "listening" and sharing their intimate feelings esp as a Man. Best...
Could there be a physical issue? Poor diet? Stress?
You're wise to have done so. I hope that you've found a happy place.
Divorce asap
Lost time never comes back
Money will
Yeah I lost $2M of my own in divorce but it's worth it
Thanks for the fantastic talk! I have been feeling guilty for leaving a long-term relationship because of the way I felt... No sex; no explanation; forbidden subject to talk about.
Well, I'm 56 & still young & juicy. We had sex once a year for 4 years. He gave me "permission" to sleep around, which made me feel even worse for having a libido. Always the back in bed, but a wonderful guy. It wasn't about weight or any of that.
I finally realized the only thing I could change was myself - and got me out of there!
Wonderful talk - to hell with guilt! He didn't care enough about me to even let me talk about it. :D
Hi like to talk, i get lonely and bored, i like to listen
I keep coming back to this incredible speech. I teeter on the brink of asking my wife to watch it but sadly easier to avoid the inevitable argument and continue to live through the cycle of depression and somehow be satisfied with this benign existence.
Re read your comment and imagine your brother, or your son or a good friend wrote it. What do you think you would say to them?
Thank you for recognizing this affects both sexes and treating this with the dignity and empathy this deserves. You have helped others with this
Dawn I am cascading for your smile
This presentation made me think about aspects of my marriage I'd rather ignore cause they make me extremely sad and bitter.
Hi Seminole, I am so sorry to hear! Has it gotten better?
You brought me to tears in the gym because this is my life.
Mine too.
Mine as well. 😔
Not just you bro... mine too... thankfully, my former colleague suddenly came back to town after migrating, she's divorced now then she's now my gf. My wife doesn't need to know... ;) atleast now I'm satisfied and happy.
Me too. Almost 10yrs.
Refused all that I suggested.
Mine too
I sat down with my wife and let her listen to this with me, thank you for helping me at least try to save our marriage without resorting the rowing and blaming❤
If I may ask, how did she respond?
@@osakadude honestly something kind of clicked in her, which made me happy, which made her happy. Shared the video with some friends, hopefully they have the same emotional reaction too.
Good luck ❤️
@@AirArtStudiosOfficialaweh happy it worked out.
@@ashleybellerose7104 5 days later. Still talking :) ❤️
@@AirArtStudiosOfficial how much has she put out since watching the video? That is the true test