Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/
Hi Jessie, this is a year later. I pray you're feeling a lot more stronger within and I just admire you for what you did yourself last year. It's so difficult when we have attachment trauma. It was a compulsion for me for ten long and weird years. Just because I was very unwell and wasn't getting better (severe mental health issues compound the codependency)
I wish I had all of this information after my divorce. I did this for sooooo long and it only left me feeling empty, exhausted, and ashamed of what I allowed him to put me through. Today I am healed but it took a long time. Sometimes you let go when it hurts way too much to hold on. You WILL be ok. You WILL get through it!💖
Tamar Salazar It's the worst when that partner does not want to just honestly and clearly tell you that they don't really love you or care about the relationship anymore because they probably don't want to sound harsh or for whatever reason. When you have attachment issues the worst thing is to just lead us on. My ex did that to me, he just let the relationship go on when he was over it in his heart but did not really put much into it anymore which was just hurtful to me and lead me to just accepting more and more humiliation from that situation. He did not want to just explain his feelings clearly and honestly when our relationship ended for good either. It's cruel even though they think they have good intentions and don't want to 'hurt your feelings' with harsh words. I am happy that you're all over it and OK now hope I will be as well eventually!
I broke up with someone that was not good for me about a year ago. I missed him but not as much as I did when I ran into him a year later. He was distant and I wanted to explain why I left. I realized I couldn't at that time. He was closed to me and I felt unsafe. Now, 3 weeks later I'm longing and pining for him. There is so much pain coming up. I attempted to leave him a message 2 weeks ago, now I feel shame on top of the longing. The feelings feel young. I can't explain it. I don't really want him back. I think I want his forgiveness or something....I want these feelings to leave me....I'm trying to allow the feelings, to heal.
T S you're so right. I did it too until I almost lost my house and kids 16 years. Tools help and support does too. People don't understand what it's like to be gaslighted for years. I spent years healing and got in it again with a different, seemingly nice personality. So how I know what both are like. I definitely have family trauma I need to fix too. I've got lots of work to do. 🥰
You speak loudly but when you said: "THE RELATIONSHIP IS NOT WORKING!!" It made me laugh. Yes. It's so true and yet the anxiety remains post breakup. Yes those "get your ex back" gurus play on this pain. Acceptance is key.
My vice is tarot card readings. They always say that there is potential for reconciliation. I'm trying to stop watching them. Your video are helping me heal so much. I'm so glad someone understands what I'm going through.
They are full of crap. They string you along to get donations and views for their channels. Look up a TH-cam channel called Underground Star. She addresses this twin flame cult mentality that they fuel.
Thanks for the comment Gavin. Glad it resonates for you and is helpful. Thanks for watching the video. If you find value in the videos, then you will find continued value in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships, with the 8-week program of thematic, group discussions. The community is somewhat new. I welcome you into the group if you think it's the right fit. Please learn more by checking out this info page. Details to register are on the page as well. Thanks so much for your comment and kind words. I"m glad to hear "it gets better." alanrobarge.clickfunnels.com/register
Hi Gavin, my 6yr relationship ended we were engaged and lived together for 5yrs..within the 6yrs she left me 2 times and 6months ago left me again. I seen your post was a while ago and I'm wondering how you've healed today because I'm struggling with severe depression and anxiety attacks and panic attacks everyday. I've been no contact since the breakup.
@@toronto416. You’ll be ok mate. I see it’s been a year since your post but I know where you were! Been there, felt it… Hope you have made some progress towards your new chapter 🙏🏻
Thanks @Elitza for the feedback. I am glad you find the content I created so valuable. Since you benefit from the videos, check out joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a kind, supportive group of like-minded learners changing old patterns of relating by investing in our consistent Self-Directed Healing. You are welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I definitely have attachment trama. Geez it’s been a long journey getting through this. I’m just at the beginning of realization. It’s SO hard to heal this about myself. I don’t want to be afraid of being alone.
i am at a bad spot in life. Lost my job, living alone, moved out of hometown with no friends, no hobbies cuz i was obsessed with school and studied way too hard. Tried to get someone I dated and was attached to for a year, and yesterday he ditched me. I was attached cuz I was lonely, no going around that. I really believe being afraid of being alone can only be cured with yourself and not someone to AFFIRM you. I would only recommend dating once someone fixes their loneliness. So i will get a job/hobbies/friends to build confidence and self-love. All the best, it takes a while to get over someone, possibly a year, but just try to erase them from your mind.
You’re profoundly brilliant, witty, and even though you don’t know me I want to say thank you for being my therapist, you are helping me and have helped me in numerous ways develop myself and get a clearer perceptive of my reality. Much love
Thank you. I know exactly who you were talking about. I'm going through a bad separation. One where everything was "good" one hour and the next hour he says he fell out of love. Very blinding. I took the trap of those other videos. This one was a wake up call thank you again.
So true! For the first several months after a breakup with my fiancée, I listened to a well-known psychotherapist and relationship coach, who specializes in “get your ex back”content. For a while, I thought it was great, and tried to put the advice in action, to no avail. But, eventually, I realized that whole idea of advising people to get their ex back is purely opportunistic. I’m sure there is most certainly exceptions, where this is an advisable idea, but typically it’s a fool’s errand.
Yes, it goes against the reality of endings and accepting impermanence. The "get your ex back business" is feeding into what people who cannot accept reality want to hear. It takes advantage of people's suffering and feeds their abandonment attachment injuries with false hope. Glad you see the light now. Staying grounded in reality and not feeding fantasy relationships is what we talk about in the membership community. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist thank you for your reply! I’ll definitely check that out, and the Facebook page you mentioned. I wish I had this content a year and a half ago. I just discovered it, and first watched your “obsessing over your ex/trauma mind video“. That experience, you described in that video, is exactly what I’ve been doing, and it’s awful and exhausting. It has kept me stuck, for over a year, while my ex moved on several months ago. I finally realized, over time, that I was in love with my fantasy of that person, and not the reality of the person. As you put it, they really are a “placeholder“ in lieu of other psychological anchors.
@@N1976DL Hello. I hear you. Good for you that you are growing in both knowledge and skill. Staying stuck looping is painful. FYI, there is no Facebook group. That has closed which is why I created the membership community and 8-week program of self-directed healing.
me too, it has ended multiple relationships and a 2nd marriage because I am unable to open up my heart 100% because of the wanting of her. 3 kids together, very disappointing. Its been since 2013-
This video made me laugh. *“Can we just STOP trying to get our ex back already?!”* it really is amazing how these TH-cam “relationship coaches” feed off the vulnerable emotional state of people who just got dumped as if there were some learnable skill to get their ex back.
Glad I found you. Most other relationship "coaches" on TH-cam are full of shit and don't even have real relationships themselves. And.... watching their videos can make you nuts!
I've Defected so true! I wasted many months going through the motions of trying to do what I thought I had to do to get my ex fiancée back. Meanwhile, she was just busy moving on with her life, and finding someone else. It was never going to happen. I’ve been through so much needless psychological and emotional suffering.
It’s toxic immature and bad advice. I found myself not connecting in my relationships because of rules that don’t encourage communication and connection. Wish I would have just been myself.
first dumping me after 11years didn't hearted and after year second time dumping me again Hearted worse and ahe try to come back 3month later and i decided month later i told her good luck for ever blocked her and done it's was harder but im getting better
It's like you made this video for me. You are right, it's very very immature to play games and I get too tired before I even try. I hate it when I want something, someone, I actually don't want. But the grief space is so heavy it's crushing. The idea 'you have the cure to fix it!' is very empowering when you feel so low but you are right, it's escapism. It's a denial of your emotions.
My last relationship was short. She broke it off to focus on herself. No one was bad to each other, things were hot and heavy but for what it’s worth, I had fun in that short time. Didn’t spend any money on love coaches though. What’s meant to be will be. 💯
Thank you. This video confirmed the confusion and suspicion that I have regarding my breakups. Despite the fact that I did not enjoyed to spend time with them anymore before the breakup, I never could clear my mind and tell myself that things were over for me. That breed contempt and spite from me to them, making them inevitably break up with me in the long run.
Great clarity. It can be challenging initiating an ending process. If you're interested in learning new relating skills check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz We can be clear in communication if we understand how we respond to insecurity or anxiety in relationships.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together..........
Be whole before engaging with others. Using people to make you happy or not feeling lonely doesn't work. People we want things from are never safe around us.
@@evalinevanderwiel826 We are an expression of life itself so you're right, everything is interconnected, no thing ever is separated from, or standing out of the rest of it all. That's how whole we are. :-)
My ex knew my attachment style. He found out that i have a fear of abandonment and i prefer to be alone. He took advantage of it. He would say words that are hurtful. We broke up however our relationship is so complicated. He doesn’t want to be with me but wants the benefits of a relationship with me.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
Ah Alan! Thank you so, so much - I'm so happy I found this video amongst a sea of relationship coaches telling you to post pictures on social media to make your Ex jealous, send strategic texts or going 'no contact' with the only aim of 'making your ex come crawling back'. Deep down, it all feels so...wrong! And like you said- immature and manipulative. So many heartbroken, desperate people end up being drawn into those vids and Channels-I wish more would see your videos instead
You're welcome and I so hear you. Yes, we need to be discerning with social media. I'm glad to hear that my videos have been a good resource for you. Thank you for valuing my work. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know my videos are helpful.
Battlinh this on and off for three months very intensely at thinness today especially thank you for helping me clear the confused mind and so i can stay away
Empathy to you as you process. If this video was helpful then check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Glad you connected with this video. I appreciate you extending the empathy.
This is one of the most important videos on the whole internet. Thank you. So true. We need to be more humble and accept that life doenst always turn out our way and that includes relationships. And that's ok. :)
Thank you for the kind words and thanks for the meaningful reflection. Glad my work brings you benefit. If you like this video then you may also like getting in on the conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
THANK YOU FOR POSTING THIS! Ive watched so many dating and relationship coaches and its a scam what they are teaching people. They should be teaching people how to heal instead of leading them back into a situation that is unhealthy. I don't get it, they contradict their beliefs.
Having spend 100 bucks on these ex back coaches I can agree. All it amounts to is getting them to contact you in some way. But it doesn’t amount to anything. Closest I read is the way an ex back would show interest again is to actually move on yourself. And that’s the slim chance they do peruse. By its nature that would be a long time away. I get what it’s saying, when you’ve moved on you genuinely aren’t available and that can raise your attractiveness. Right about the time they might be feeling nostalgia if and if their life isn’t panning out, they might see something in you unobtainable they lost.. But of course, if you’ve moved on you won’t be nature want to go back. So it’ll never happen. I’ve been dumped after a decade. Completely broken.
Thank you for valuing my content. Good to know the videos and posts are helpful. I am glad you benefit from the effort and time investment it takes to offer quality content. Please consider joining us in the membership community to show your support and/or becoming a sustaining supporter with a donation. Making a contribution supports the continuation of more quality content. FYI/ www.alanrobarge.com/community and/or www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Thank you Dr. Robarge After 2 rounds of distancing and getting him back I finally called it quits. While it was gratifying to see how the coaching from those videos worked, we were back to the same sick place. The anxiety it produced in me was awful. I wrote him a good bye text (he would not even allow me to talk about us or my feelings). The text was like you recommended. I feel "free" finally. Please mention this again. Those relationship coaches merely prolong the agony.
Rebecca, you're welcome and thanks for reflecting back. I'm sorry about the prolonged agony and anxiety. Yes, it seems some part of us feels like we Need to get the ex back even though on some level we may even know that we really don't want to be back together. I'm glad to hear you are feeling liberated. Thank you for letting me know the video was helpful. Also, thank you for saying you'd like this message again. Could you please enter in a question to be considered for a new video? I created a system of submitting questions as ideas that I might explore on future videos. If you would like your question to be considered, please submit it via my website by going to www.alanrobarge.com/questions Thank you for your comment.
Sometimes the attachment trauma comes back even days or weeks after your initiated and ending it like and abandonment as an abandoned the and then you reach back out
Empathy to you - that is an incredibly difficult feeling to sit with. The sense of grief and loss can feel so overwhelming, discouraging, and disheartening. You're not alone in these feelings; many of us have similar experiences and stories. Because of this, I want to invite you to join my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. This is a supportive space for people to come when they have experienced attachment injuries or traumas; all of the members are kind and encouraging, and they participate in discussions, some involving similar topics to the one in this video. You deserve to have support during these feelings and thoughts, and we would love to have you join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I hope my hubby will watch this vid, we've been struggling this for almost 3 years that almost tear us apart because he keeps calling his ex-wife almost everyday several times, not only talking he's also sending money, they don't even have children and divorced for 15 years. He keeps updating where his x live. and when I found out, he lied and deny, Its frustrating...
I moved away, as he transferred, with him. He brought the doggy his ex wife would not let him have in one of their reunifying. One week in I noticed her calling. Trust destroyed, right then and there. What a hog!
I hear you. Thank you for sharing this video spoke to you. This topic also comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited. www.alanrobarge.com/community
The last guy I dated for 2 yrs was so toxic. His 'pleasant' mask fell off after 1 year. The second year we were going through the motions, or at least I was. When I broke it off after a heated argument, I felt like a boulder had been lifted from my shoulders. I felt so peaceful.
Thank you for all of these videos! It's seriously a blessing. You have so many of them that are (scarily) relatable to a lot I've dealt with in life and need to work on. This is also a massive support for people who are unable to afford a therapist for the time being! Thank you for the work you do @Alan Robarge!
When I came back to reality, I realized that I actually didn’t want him. Meaning, I didn’t want to accept the version of him that he had showed me for over 20 years. I wanted some idealized version of him that I had in my head. I wanted the “potential” of who I thought he could change to become. I finally accepted that he is who he is and that who he is, is not the right person for me. I also understand that I was being manipulative in hoping to have someone change their entire being to ease my own traumatic wounds. I do love him as he is and did us both a favor by ending it once and for all.
Congratulations! Doesn't it feel good to get to that place and recognize how much growth and healing we have experienced? I want to challenge you to take your healing further. In my course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses, I discuss the various ways in which we respond to distress from attachment traumas and injuries. Many of our emotional states-of-mind are linked to or impacted by past trauma. This is often referred to as emotional flashbacks. Then, we find ourselves responding to these emotional triggers in predictable ways. I realized I needed to create this course to explain this further. I have taken the familiar trauma reactions of Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn and expanded them to include relating strategies. I created a RELATIONAL model for when we are triggered and flooded by too much or not enough intimacy and vulnerability. I mapped out a blueprint for how most of us respond. Which of these describe your relationships? Take the quiz now to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
You speak the truth, thank you, this video is what I needed to hear and to understand. I’ve listened to it a few times. I know I suffer from trauma bonding and abandonment issues and trying so hard to work through these issues so I can get healthy.
Glad my work speaks to you. Thank you for the feedback and thank you for sharing your experience. Many of us can relate. If this video is helpful then you may also like to take part in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I took my ex back about a year ago and were back to the same crappy place we were before. I wish I had seen this video then. An Ex is an ex for a reason.
Alan , You are Amazing ! Kudos for your candor, tough love and no nonsense message ! After two years post break up relationship sabbatical, I embrace the truth in your words . First love and respect yourself. Thank you for your incredible insights. I have subscribed to your channel.
That's what I needed to hear. It's difficult because I had a car accident and relied on him , he had a car, I had a nice apartment with him, even his cat. I loved what came with him, but not him. I'm scared because I lost everything material, but that's what I want Back. Not him.
He is the one that always loops me back in. I dont seek him back. But he sends me the I miss you text...and its on again and off again because he isn't changing. I go back to the same thing over and over.
I see so many experiences described by this! I never thought of all those magazines I read, even as a teen reading YM about ways to get 'him' to pay attention. Thank you!
Ohh i feel so called out! I did get back in touch with my ex in friendly terms and that's even what I told myself but after watching this I realize my intentions were to try to get him back. It's so easy to lie to ourselves sometimes.
I hear you. It's challenging ending a primary connection. I think about how important it is learning skills in ending and creating an action-plan. Creating transition can be helpful. Glad you connected with this video. If you haven't already checked it out, you may be interested in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community These are the type of skills we discuss in the community. I welcome you joining us as a member.
Thank you for the kind words. Glad my work brings you benefit. If you like this video then you may also like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
4:20 this point could not be more emphasized.. I’ve unassumingly tried looking at videos posted by these sorts of heartbreak con-artists with the hopes they’ll help me be able to finally move on and heal but then suddenly I hear “..so you can get your ex back”. In my situation it’s pretty much impossible to even get back with my ex. I don’t even want to, and those sorts of videos give me some sense of false hope which causes me to emotionally relapse horribly even tho I was the one who initially broke it off.
If you can have a season of separation and recognize what needed to change, you can find each other down the road. I have a beautiful daughter as living proof!
Thanks for your reflection. Good example. Glad this video spoke to you. If you like this content and want to learn more about attachment dynamics then you may like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Glad you like this one. Thanks for valuing my work. Since you like this one you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. It goes more into what drives this behavior. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Thanks for the encouragement. You might also appreciate taking The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Glad you like this content.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
I tried for 30 days then I walked out, got my own place and filed for divorce 3 months later. It doesn't feel good but I never saw or talked to him again. I am so glad I never begged. I have so many times in the past. Maybe that's progress.
I don't know if this is useful to anyone else but when I find myself in this kind of situation I take some deep breaths and call out a part of myself I refer to as the "genius counselor older sibling". I essentially put myself in the mind frame of a relatively neutral, smart, perceptive person who cares who knows me deeply. When I do that out loud, it's amazing the rational advice I can dispense to myself
I agree with the sentiment completely, but if I am capable to changing and developing new skills, who's to say my ex can't? Not saying I should manipulate my ex to come back, but if my ex reached out and showed growth as have I, I don't see why we can't try again.
Glad to hear this was helpful for you. Thanks for valuing the effort I put into offering explanation. If you like this content you may also like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more www.alanraobarge.com/adrquiz
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, l got help from a great man who brought us back together contact him now 💢💢💢
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
I ended a relationship recently, I had tried to end it many times but they would always talk me out of it and that we could work things out etc. and being an anxious avoidant type I would go along with it, mainly because I was lonely. And the cycle would restart again. I finally ended it but this person still wants to be friends with me, keeps texting me, trying to get me back and saying "keep an open mind about the future". But I don't want to go back there again. I want to move on. How can I get my ex to leave me alone? It's like they just won't accept that I don't want them anymore. I believe they also have an attachment issue.
kevvie100 In my relationship dynamic I was the one who was begging my ex to stay and wanting to always work on things so maybe I can help you with this. My ex did not want to be just blunt about this and the whole vagueness of it all and lack of good communication on his part just kept me fighting for the relationship when all the love on his part was loong dead (and I kind of felt it was but he'd always deny that). Just tell them that you know they want to work on things but you did not feel like you had it in you to work on the issues so despite all their great efforts it'd not work out. You did not feel happy in the relationship anymore for a long long time and you did not romantically feel for that person anymore for a long time and you're really sorry about leading it on because you realise that they did feel for you and this must have been very hurtful and frustrating to them for which you also apologise. Tell them that they're a great person nevertheless and you're sure they'll find happiness with someone else one day no matter how hard to imagine it is right now.
Thank you..you are such a wonderful person Sir! God is great.. I am sure that no psychologists available at my place can cool my love addict brain as your words do...
Thanks. Alan. Your analyses are always spot on. You nailed me here. I would like to learn more about improving my issues since I now know what I'm dealing with myself...I want to heal. I will look through your videos to see if you go further in depth. If there are specific videos you can recommend, I'm all ears. :-)
Do you think it's healthy or even possible to become friends with your ex? Or do you think you should completely move on? Especially if it was a unhealthy toxic relationship
I was literally ghosted by my serious boyfriend of almost 8 months. Didn't think we had any problems (no fights or anything), but apparently I was wrong. I keep hoping that I'll wake up to a text or he'll show up at my door.. which feels quite pathetic on my part. It's scary how bad I want him back when he's obvious so immature and instable himself. I'm hoping to learn how to avoid this experience in the future, I never want to go through this again.
Jeanna, Yes, many of us can relate to this. We explore this idea and learn more about it in depth in the community of Improve Your Relationships. Consider joining in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Hes right about those videos on how to get your ex back. Those things work, but only with other people who have serious trauma issues and emotional problems so they are based on manipulation of those feelings. But its just manipulation.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
Is nice to understand the deeper meaning of what our actions and thinking represents, however, it would be nice to know if there are some realistic things that we can apply in our daily routine in order to avoid being stuck in a loop. I often catch myself elaborating plans in order to get back into a persons life and I know he`s bad for me, my friends know he`s bad for me even my damn dog knows he`s bad for me. Nothing stops me from doing it tho, where do I find the help needed to overcome this? And no, is not within myself.
NikkoYM, The reason I created the membership community is because many of us have stories like yours. We see the pattern over time. We keep doing the same thing. We see the suffering. We have to choose to change the pattern. We need a plan of self-directed healing. This is what we talk about in the membership community. You are invited to join us. Here is the info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
In my next relationship will you please come live with me and hold my hand and make all the decisions?
Do you live by the beach?
Haha
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma I do! Help me Alan...lol
Haha me too!
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma i live by the beach and you are most welcome. I am making too many mistakes in my relationships and end up lonely :(
Thank you, I had almost pressed the send button on a text but I came here instead
Jessie W you’re dope for that!
Nice choice , friend 😌
You gave me strength bless you Jessie
Hi Jessie, this is a year later. I pray you're feeling a lot more stronger within and I just admire you for what you did yourself last year. It's so difficult when we have attachment trauma. It was a compulsion for me for ten long and weird years. Just because I was very unwell and wasn't getting better (severe mental health issues compound the codependency)
How do u feel a year later
You can lie to yourself, but Alan will set you straight. :P
I wish I had all of this information after my divorce. I did this for sooooo long and it only left me feeling empty, exhausted, and ashamed of what I allowed him to put me through. Today I am healed but it took a long time. Sometimes you let go when it hurts way too much to hold on. You WILL be ok. You WILL get through it!💖
Tamar Salazar It's the worst when that partner does not want to just honestly and clearly tell you that they don't really love you or care about the relationship anymore because they probably don't want to sound harsh or for whatever reason. When you have attachment issues the worst thing is to just lead us on. My ex did that to me, he just let the relationship go on when he was over it in his heart but did not really put much into it anymore which was just hurtful to me and lead me to just accepting more and more humiliation from that situation. He did not want to just explain his feelings clearly and honestly when our relationship ended for good either. It's cruel even though they think they have good intentions and don't want to 'hurt your feelings' with harsh words.
I am happy that you're all over it and OK now hope I will be as well eventually!
I broke up with someone that was not good for me about a year ago. I missed him but not as much as I did when I ran into him a year later. He was distant and I wanted to explain why I left. I realized I couldn't at that time. He was closed to me and I felt unsafe. Now, 3 weeks later I'm longing and pining for him. There is so much pain coming up. I attempted to leave him a message 2 weeks ago, now I feel shame on top of the longing. The feelings feel young. I can't explain it. I don't really want him back. I think I want his forgiveness or something....I want these feelings to leave me....I'm trying to allow the feelings, to heal.
T S, any helpful hints for those of us just starting down this road?
How do you feel now?
T S you're so right. I did it too until I almost lost my house and kids 16 years. Tools help and support does too. People don't understand what it's like to be gaslighted for years. I spent years healing and got in it again with a different, seemingly nice personality. So how I know what both are like. I definitely have family trauma I need to fix too. I've got lots of work to do. 🥰
It's time for Alan to get a book deal.
You speak loudly but when you said: "THE RELATIONSHIP IS NOT WORKING!!" It made me laugh. Yes. It's so true and yet the anxiety remains post breakup. Yes those "get your ex back" gurus play on this pain. Acceptance is key.
So very true. The mind is so powerful
very true
You're brilliant: perceptive, clear, straight forward, gentle, genuine. Your content is so needed. It makes such sense. Thank you.
My vice is tarot card readings. They always say that there is potential for reconciliation. I'm trying to stop watching them. Your video are helping me heal so much. I'm so glad someone understands what I'm going through.
They are full of crap. They string you along to get donations and views for their channels. Look up a TH-cam channel called Underground Star. She addresses this twin flame cult mentality that they fuel.
That's good for you..tarot can make you more complicated in life.
Any relationship can be healed and fixed if both parties are on the same page! Don't let anyone tell you to give up! Only you can make that decision!
Haha they really do.
I stopped watching them because the wrong ex kept coming back lmao
Alan spells out the truth in words that are functional!! Reciprocal Relationships are the only ones to focus on! THANK YOU!
This popped up in my feed and was a timely, helpful reminder 5 months in to a ten year break up. It gets better folks, and Alan helps a lot.
Thanks for the comment Gavin. Glad it resonates for you and is helpful. Thanks for watching the video. If you find value in the videos, then you will find continued value in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships, with the 8-week program of thematic, group discussions. The community is somewhat new. I welcome you into the group if you think it's the right fit. Please learn more by checking out this info page. Details to register are on the page as well. Thanks so much for your comment and kind words. I"m glad to hear "it gets better." alanrobarge.clickfunnels.com/register
Hi Gavin, my 6yr relationship ended we were engaged and lived together for 5yrs..within the 6yrs she left me 2 times and 6months ago left me again. I seen your post was a while ago and I'm wondering how you've healed today because I'm struggling with severe depression and anxiety attacks and panic attacks everyday. I've been no contact since the breakup.
@@toronto416. You’ll be ok mate. I see it’s been a year since your post but I know where you were! Been there, felt it… Hope you have made some progress towards your new chapter 🙏🏻
I’m confused. I don’t know if I was in love with my X now or if I just was experiencing my attachment trauma. This was so me tho.
Isn't that the Same thing?
It was attachment trauma
It was attachment trauma if it was true love you wouldn't be watching this. You would know and feeling your gut it's love
I have a serious attachment trauma in my life. Your videos are meant for me.
Thanks @Elitza for the feedback. I am glad you find the content I created so valuable. Since you benefit from the videos, check out joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a kind, supportive group of like-minded learners changing old patterns of relating by investing in our consistent Self-Directed Healing. You are welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I definitely have attachment trama. Geez it’s been a long journey getting through this. I’m just at the beginning of realization. It’s SO hard to heal this about myself. I don’t want to be afraid of being alone.
i am at a bad spot in life. Lost my job, living alone, moved out of hometown with no friends, no hobbies cuz i was obsessed with school and studied way too hard. Tried to get someone I dated and was attached to for a year, and yesterday he ditched me. I was attached cuz I was lonely, no going around that. I really believe being afraid of being alone can only be cured with yourself and not someone to AFFIRM you. I would only recommend dating once someone fixes their loneliness. So i will get a job/hobbies/friends to build confidence and self-love. All the best, it takes a while to get over someone, possibly a year, but just try to erase them from your mind.
Thank you so much. I am this close to going back to my ex but I hope to be able to stay with my pain and loneliness instead!
Jenny Leuttner ,innerbonding
Did you go back if so, what happened
Howzit going?
Your advice is stopping me to make more and more wrong decisions.....I see your point.
It is true
You’re profoundly brilliant, witty, and even though you don’t know me I want to say thank you for being my therapist, you are helping me and have helped me in numerous ways develop myself and get a clearer perceptive of my reality. Much love
Thank you. I know exactly who you were talking about. I'm going through a bad separation. One where everything was "good" one hour and the next hour he says he fell out of love. Very blinding. I took the trap of those other videos. This one was a wake up call thank you again.
So true! For the first several months after a breakup with my fiancée, I listened to a well-known psychotherapist and relationship coach, who specializes in “get your ex back”content. For a while, I thought it was great, and tried to put the advice in action, to no avail. But, eventually, I realized that whole idea of advising people to get their ex back is purely opportunistic. I’m sure there is most certainly exceptions, where this is an advisable idea, but typically it’s a fool’s errand.
Yes, it goes against the reality of endings and accepting impermanence. The "get your ex back business" is feeding into what people who cannot accept reality want to hear. It takes advantage of people's suffering and feeds their abandonment attachment injuries with false hope. Glad you see the light now. Staying grounded in reality and not feeding fantasy relationships is what we talk about in the membership community. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist thank you for your reply! I’ll definitely check that out, and the Facebook page you mentioned.
I wish I had this content a year and a half ago. I just discovered it, and first watched your “obsessing over your ex/trauma mind video“. That experience, you described in that video, is exactly what I’ve been doing, and it’s awful and exhausting. It has kept me stuck, for over a year, while my ex moved on several months ago.
I finally realized, over time, that I was in love with my fantasy of that person, and not the reality of the person. As you put it, they really are a “placeholder“ in lieu of other psychological anchors.
@@N1976DL Hello. I hear you. Good for you that you are growing in both knowledge and skill. Staying stuck looping is painful. FYI, there is no Facebook group. That has closed which is why I created the membership community and 8-week program of self-directed healing.
Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist Okay, thanks again. I’m checking it out now.
me too, it has ended multiple relationships and a 2nd marriage because I am unable to open up my heart 100% because of the wanting of her. 3 kids together, very disappointing. Its been since 2013-
This video made me laugh. *“Can we just STOP trying to get our ex back already?!”* it really is amazing how these TH-cam “relationship coaches” feed off the vulnerable emotional state of people who just got dumped as if there were some learnable skill to get their ex back.
Glad I found you. Most other relationship "coaches" on TH-cam are full of shit and don't even have real relationships themselves. And.... watching their videos can make you nuts!
I've Defected so true! I wasted many months going through the motions of trying to do what I thought I had to do to get my ex fiancée back. Meanwhile, she was just busy moving on with her life, and finding someone else. It was never going to happen. I’ve been through so much needless psychological and emotional suffering.
@@N1976DL , yeah, that's a shitty trap. I was tempted to distance myself to manipulate a partner, and I'm glad that I ignored that advice.
It’s toxic immature and bad advice. I found myself not connecting in my relationships because of rules that don’t encourage communication and connection. Wish I would have just been myself.
"THE RELATIONSHIP IS NOOOOT WORKING" 🤣🤣🤣 love the urgency you used in your voice. Like wake up call that we all need in such state.
I almost broke the other day! I'm trying to fight through and your videos are keeping reality in front of me 💪💪
Hang in there!
It's so painful
first dumping me after 11years didn't hearted and after year second time dumping me again Hearted worse and ahe try to come back 3month later and i decided month later i told her good luck for ever blocked her and done it's was harder but im getting better
It's like you made this video for me. You are right, it's very very immature to play games and I get too tired before I even try. I hate it when I want something, someone, I actually don't want. But the grief space is so heavy it's crushing. The idea 'you have the cure to fix it!' is very empowering when you feel so low but you are right, it's escapism. It's a denial of your emotions.
My last relationship was short. She broke it off to focus on herself. No one was bad to each other, things were hot and heavy but for what it’s worth, I had fun in that short time. Didn’t spend any money on love coaches though. What’s meant to be will be. 💯
THANK YOU! Those videos are so manipulative and shortsighted; thank you for addressing this.
Thank you. This video confirmed the confusion and suspicion that I have regarding my breakups. Despite the fact that I did not enjoyed to spend time with them anymore before the breakup, I never could clear my mind and tell myself that things were over for me. That breed contempt and spite from me to them, making them inevitably break up with me in the long run.
Great clarity. It can be challenging initiating an ending process. If you're interested in learning new relating skills check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz We can be clear in communication if we understand how we respond to insecurity or anxiety in relationships.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together..........
†2349056214114⏭⏯???????..... .....
Wh atsA p p👆him now....
Be whole before engaging with others. Using people to make you happy or not feeling lonely doesn't work. People we want things from are never safe around us.
I don’t think I will ever really will be whole, does anyone ever is?
@@evalinevanderwiel826 We are an expression of life itself so you're right, everything is interconnected, no thing ever is separated from, or standing out of the rest of it all. That's how whole we are. :-)
My ex knew my attachment style. He found out that i have a fear of abandonment and i prefer to be alone. He took advantage of it. He would say words that are hurtful. We broke up however our relationship is so complicated. He doesn’t want to be with me but wants the benefits of a relationship with me.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
Wh atsA p p👆him now
Ah Alan! Thank you so, so much - I'm so happy I found this video amongst a sea of relationship coaches telling you to post pictures on social media to make your Ex jealous, send strategic texts or going 'no contact' with the only aim of 'making your ex come crawling back'. Deep down, it all feels so...wrong! And like you said- immature and manipulative. So many heartbroken, desperate people end up being drawn into those vids and Channels-I wish more would see your videos instead
You're welcome and I so hear you. Yes, we need to be discerning with social media. I'm glad to hear that my videos have been a good resource for you. Thank you for valuing my work. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below:
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Make a direct donation
www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Thanks again for letting me know my videos are helpful.
Battlinh this on and off for three months very intensely at thinness today especially thank you for helping me clear the confused mind and so i can stay away
I need this to stay focused on letting go..thank you !
Absolutely on point!!!
So much lost time -
Whenever I feel myself staying away Alan manages to keep me in line
I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one to struggle with this. I feel for all of you
Empathy to you as you process. If this video was helpful then check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Glad you connected with this video. I appreciate you extending the empathy.
This is one of the most important videos on the whole internet. Thank you. So true. We need to be more humble and accept that life doenst always turn out our way and that includes relationships. And that's ok. :)
Thank you for the kind words and thanks for the meaningful reflection. Glad my work brings you benefit.
If you like this video then you may also like getting in on the conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
THANK YOU FOR POSTING THIS! Ive watched so many dating and relationship coaches and its a scam what they are teaching people. They should be teaching people how to heal instead of leading them back into a situation that is unhealthy. I don't get it, they contradict their beliefs.
"Go back, go back." So true omg.
That was mind blowing... The most real person i have been watching lately...
Having spend 100 bucks on these ex back coaches I can agree. All it amounts to is getting them to contact you in some way. But it doesn’t amount to anything. Closest I read is the way an ex back would show interest again is to actually move on yourself. And that’s the slim chance they do peruse. By its nature that would be a long time away.
I get what it’s saying, when you’ve moved on you genuinely aren’t available and that can raise your attractiveness. Right about the time they might be feeling nostalgia if and if their life isn’t panning out, they might see something in you unobtainable they lost.. But of course, if you’ve moved on you won’t be nature want to go back. So it’ll never happen. I’ve been dumped after a decade. Completely broken.
sorry to hear that how are u now?
Alan Robarge you are simply the best,,,thank you.
Thank you for valuing my content. Good to know the videos and posts are helpful. I am glad you benefit from the effort and time investment it takes to offer quality content. Please consider joining us in the membership community to show your support and/or becoming a sustaining supporter with a donation. Making a contribution supports the continuation of more quality content. FYI/ www.alanrobarge.com/community and/or www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Thank you Dr. Robarge After 2 rounds of distancing and getting him back I finally called it quits. While it was gratifying to see how the coaching from those videos worked, we were back to the same sick place. The anxiety it produced in me was awful. I wrote him a good bye text (he would not even allow me to talk about us or my feelings). The text was like you recommended. I feel "free" finally. Please mention this again. Those relationship coaches merely prolong the agony.
Rebecca, you're welcome and thanks for reflecting back. I'm sorry about the prolonged agony and anxiety. Yes, it seems some part of us feels like we Need to get the ex back even though on some level we may even know that we really don't want to be back together. I'm glad to hear you are feeling liberated. Thank you for letting me know the video was helpful. Also, thank you for saying you'd like this message again. Could you please enter in a question to be considered for a new video?
I created a system of submitting questions as ideas that I might explore on future videos. If you would like your question to be considered, please submit it via my website by going to www.alanrobarge.com/questions
Thank you for your comment.
Sometimes the attachment trauma comes back even days or weeks after your initiated and ending it like and abandonment as an abandoned the and then you reach back out
That's the point, it's the crushingly intense sense of loss that we feel when we feel that disconnect. It feels so weak and pathetic.
Empathy to you - that is an incredibly difficult feeling to sit with. The sense of grief and loss can feel so overwhelming, discouraging, and disheartening. You're not alone in these feelings; many of us have similar experiences and stories.
Because of this, I want to invite you to join my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. This is a supportive space for people to come when they have experienced attachment injuries or traumas; all of the members are kind and encouraging, and they participate in discussions, some involving similar topics to the one in this video. You deserve to have support during these feelings and thoughts, and we would love to have you join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I hope my hubby will watch this vid, we've been struggling this for almost 3 years that almost tear us apart because he keeps calling his ex-wife almost everyday several times, not only talking he's also sending money, they don't even have children and divorced for 15 years. He keeps updating where his x live. and when I found out, he lied and deny, Its frustrating...
I moved away, as he transferred, with him. He brought the doggy his ex wife would not let him have in one of their reunifying. One week in I noticed her calling. Trust destroyed, right then and there. What a hog!
Dang that’s a hard one to work with! I really don’t know how to deal with that
You nailed it. Thank you! Wasn't sustainable to begin with. And now I need to face myself and my wounds
I hear you. Thank you for sharing this video spoke to you.
This topic also comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited. www.alanrobarge.com/community
This video could not have come at a better time. I love your work.
Appreciate the kind words. Thanks for valuing my work.
Goodness me I am actually BEEN trying too Thank you . Yes I want too stop . Attachment Stress yes were not suited . Cannot do goodbye .
That other part of us is the egoic mind. The constant mind chatter is our ego.
Hello. This Instagram post might apply. instagram.com/p/B9U9NIpndJe/
The last guy I dated for 2 yrs was so toxic. His 'pleasant' mask fell off after 1 year. The second year we were going through the motions, or at least I was. When I broke it off after a heated argument, I felt like a boulder had been lifted from my shoulders. I felt so peaceful.
Thank you for all of these videos! It's seriously a blessing. You have so many of them that are (scarily) relatable to a lot I've dealt with in life and need to work on. This is also a massive support for people who are unable to afford a therapist for the time being! Thank you for the work you do @Alan Robarge!
When I came back to reality, I realized that I actually didn’t want him. Meaning, I didn’t want to accept the version of him that he had showed me for over 20 years. I wanted some idealized version of him that I had in my head. I wanted the “potential” of who I thought he could change to become. I finally accepted that he is who he is and that who he is, is not the right person for me. I also understand that I was being manipulative in hoping to have someone change their entire being to ease my own traumatic wounds. I do love him as he is and did us both a favor by ending it once and for all.
Great insight.
I wouldn't want him back! I realized through your videos that I had to heal myself. Its taken some time but I NEVER WANT HIM BACK.
Thank you!
Congratulations! Doesn't it feel good to get to that place and recognize how much growth and healing we have experienced?
I want to challenge you to take your healing further. In my course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses, I discuss the various ways in which we respond to distress from attachment traumas and injuries.
Many of our emotional states-of-mind are linked to or impacted by past trauma. This is often referred to as emotional flashbacks. Then, we find ourselves responding to these emotional triggers in predictable ways. I realized I needed to create this course to explain this further.
I have taken the familiar trauma reactions of Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn and expanded them to include relating strategies. I created a RELATIONAL model for when we are triggered and flooded by too much or not enough intimacy and vulnerability. I mapped out a blueprint for how most of us respond. Which of these describe your relationships? Take the quiz now to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
You speak the truth, thank you, this video is what I needed to hear and to understand. I’ve listened to it a few times. I know I suffer from trauma bonding and abandonment issues and trying so hard to work through these issues so I can get healthy.
Glad my work speaks to you. Thank you for the feedback and thank you for sharing your experience. Many of us can relate.
If this video is helpful then you may also like to take part in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I took my ex back about a year ago and were back to the same crappy place we were before. I wish I had seen this video then. An Ex is an ex for a reason.
Same here! We broke up, got back together, got engaged and he is the same old person so I have ended it and will NOT go back!
You’re good. Thank you. You’ve helped a lot when I needed the facts laid bare
Alan , You are Amazing ! Kudos for your candor, tough love and no nonsense message ! After two years post break up relationship sabbatical, I embrace the truth in your words . First love and respect yourself. Thank you for your incredible insights. I have subscribed to your channel.
Thank you, I needed this I've allowed myself to be torn down emotionally, physically & financially again. Different personalities but same behaviors.
Me too. We loosed money in the process.
Yet another placeholder same old story different face
Alan. You CRACK me up. Thank you. Keep on keepin' on.
That's what I needed to hear. It's difficult because I had a car accident and relied on him , he had a car, I had a nice apartment with him, even his cat. I loved what came with him, but not him. I'm scared because I lost everything material, but that's what I want Back. Not him.
Isn't self-honesty wonderfully clarifying!! Brava Marie l'italien!! Sei coraggiosa!!
is very hard to forget, heal and move on
He is the one that always loops me back in. I dont seek him back. But he sends me the I miss you text...and its on again and off again because he isn't changing. I go back to the same thing over and over.
I see so many experiences described by this! I never thought of all those magazines I read, even as a teen reading YM about ways to get 'him' to pay attention. Thank you!
This is spot on ! It is true and made me smile because I recognised myself and my ex in what you said. Thank you for your wisdom 😁
Ohh i feel so called out! I did get back in touch with my ex in friendly terms and that's even what I told myself but after watching this I realize my intentions were to try to get him back. It's so easy to lie to ourselves sometimes.
I hear you. It's challenging ending a primary connection. I think about how important it is learning skills in ending and creating an action-plan. Creating transition can be helpful. Glad you connected with this video.
If you haven't already checked it out, you may be interested in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community These are the type of skills we discuss in the community. I welcome you joining us as a member.
Another insightful video! Thank you so very much for what you do
Thank you for the kind words. Glad my work brings you benefit.
If you like this video then you may also like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
4:20 this point could not be more emphasized.. I’ve unassumingly tried looking at videos posted by these sorts of heartbreak con-artists with the hopes they’ll help me be able to finally move on and heal but then suddenly I hear “..so you can get your ex back”. In my situation it’s pretty much impossible to even get back with my ex. I don’t even want to, and those sorts of videos give me some sense of false hope which causes me to emotionally relapse horribly even tho I was the one who initially broke it off.
This is so smart, thank you!!!!
If you can have a season of separation and recognize what needed to change, you can find each other down the road. I have a beautiful daughter as living proof!
Thanks for your reflection. Good example. Glad this video spoke to you.
If you like this content and want to learn more about attachment dynamics then you may like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Great video. Thank you!
Glad you like this one. Thanks for valuing my work.
Since you like this one you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. It goes more into what drives this behavior. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Finding this video today is a blessing. Thank you so much
What a jewel this message is!
Thanks for the encouragement. You might also appreciate taking The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Glad you like this content.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma done, I'm "Running". The work you're doing is life changing. Thank you. I'll be looking into the course!
Thank you for valuing my work. Glad you are finding benefit in this content. Good for you valuing learning.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
Wh atsA p p👆him now
You are incredible. Thank you.
OMG I needed to hear this ! Thank You Thank You Thank You !!!
True. Never try to get things from fire place
I tried for 30 days then I walked out, got my own place and filed for divorce 3 months later. It doesn't feel good but I never saw or talked to him again. I am so glad I never begged. I have so many times in the past. Maybe that's progress.
Yes!!! And that feeling you kept your dignity will stick and give you power!!
idk u but i am proud of u
I don't know if this is useful to anyone else but when I find myself in this kind of situation I take some deep breaths and call out a part of myself I refer to as the "genius counselor older sibling". I essentially put myself in the mind frame of a relatively neutral, smart, perceptive person who cares who knows me deeply. When I do that out loud, it's amazing the rational advice I can dispense to myself
Thanks for commenting and sharing your reflections.
Just in past few weeks realized I have this and it's a real thing
I hear you. Many of us can relate.
I agree with the sentiment completely, but if I am capable to changing and developing new skills, who's to say my ex can't? Not saying I should manipulate my ex to come back, but if my ex reached out and showed growth as have I, I don't see why we can't try again.
Wow that is so true!! There are a whole marketing of how to get the ex back, you explained that do well. Thank you so much for that.
Glad to hear this was helpful for you. Thanks for valuing the effort I put into offering explanation.
If you like this content you may also like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more www.alanraobarge.com/adrquiz
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, l got help from a great man who brought us back together contact him now 💢💢💢
whatsAzpp him for☝️now????
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
Wh atsA p p👆him now
😆😆 I love your videos, they're very informative and make me laugh.
I really want to send this to my ex that's trying to get me back, from high school and we are now 28.
Thank you. I really needed to hear this.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
Wh atsA p p👆him now
I ended a relationship recently, I had tried to end it many times but they would always talk me out of it and that we could work things out etc. and being an anxious avoidant type I would go along with it, mainly because I was lonely. And the cycle would restart again. I finally ended it but this person still wants to be friends with me, keeps texting me, trying to get me back and saying "keep an open mind about the future". But I don't want to go back there again. I want to move on. How can I get my ex to leave me alone? It's like they just won't accept that I don't want them anymore. I believe they also have an attachment issue.
kevvie100 In my relationship dynamic I was the one who was begging my ex to stay and wanting to always work on things so maybe I can help you with this. My ex did not want to be just blunt about this and the whole vagueness of it all and lack of good communication on his part just kept me fighting for the relationship when all the love on his part was loong dead (and I kind of felt it was but he'd always deny that).
Just tell them that you know they want to work on things but you did not feel like you had it in you to work on the issues so despite all their great efforts it'd not work out. You did not feel happy in the relationship anymore for a long long time and you did not romantically feel for that person anymore for a long time and you're really sorry about leading it on because you realise that they did feel for you and this must have been very hurtful and frustrating to them for which you also apologise. Tell them that they're a great person nevertheless and you're sure they'll find happiness with someone else one day no matter how hard to imagine it is right now.
Shit. I am that ex. I still want him to keep an open mind about the future, :-(.
Stop being an avoidant. Face your problems don’t run from them.
That was perfect! Thank you Alan!
This is exactly what I needed
Thank you..you are such a wonderful person Sir! God is great.. I am sure that no psychologists available at my place can cool my love addict brain as your words do...
Excellent presentation !! Thanks for sharing
Thanks. Alan. Your analyses are always spot on. You nailed me here. I would like to learn more about improving my issues since I now know what I'm dealing with myself...I want to heal. I will look through your videos to see if you go further in depth. If there are specific videos you can recommend, I'm all ears. :-)
Do you think it's healthy or even possible to become friends with your ex? Or do you think you should completely move on? Especially if it was a unhealthy toxic relationship
Jazzy Jazz If either of you still feel something romantically for the other person it'll be really bad and unhealthy.
@@justynawisniewska1213 What about sexually?
why would you stay with somebody who was toxic for you anyway? :) This is excatly fear of endind relationship no matter what happened ;p
Nope, move on. No contact, no communication. It is the only way I'm afraid.
No contact get your ex back
I was literally ghosted by my serious boyfriend of almost 8 months. Didn't think we had any problems (no fights or anything), but apparently I was wrong. I keep hoping that I'll wake up to a text or he'll show up at my door.. which feels quite pathetic on my part. It's scary how bad I want him back when he's obvious so immature and instable himself. I'm hoping to learn how to avoid this experience in the future, I never want to go through this again.
Jeanna, Yes, many of us can relate to this. We explore this idea and learn more about it in depth in the community of Improve Your Relationships. Consider joining in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community
i'm so sorry that happened to you. i hope you are doing well now. praying for your happiness 💕
Ja!! Hvala, Alan!
Hes right about those videos on how to get your ex back. Those things work, but only with other people who have serious trauma issues and emotional problems so they are based on manipulation of those feelings. But its just manipulation.
Lucky for me, my ex will never come back but it’s still comforting to learn
thanks for the comment
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
Wh atsA p p👆him now
Mirror, mirror.. thank you!
Is nice to understand the deeper meaning of what our actions and thinking represents, however, it would be nice to know if there are some realistic things that we can apply in our daily routine in order to avoid being stuck in a loop.
I often catch myself elaborating plans in order to get back into a persons life and I know he`s bad for me, my friends know he`s bad for me even my damn dog knows he`s bad for me. Nothing stops me from doing it tho, where do I find the help needed to overcome this? And no, is not within myself.
My God me too. Why do I keep going back? It's miserable every time. Never changes
I've meditated and done AUM chanting. Helps a lot!
I've meditated and done AUM chanting. Helps a lot!
Listening to Alan's videos again and again to think about where that yearning is REALLY coming from... not him, YOU!! Then, know what you know!!!
Watching again. Because I'm finding myself in the withdrawal/attachment injury feelings again. Thank you, Alan.
NikkoYM, The reason I created the membership community is because many of us have stories like yours. We see the pattern over time. We keep doing the same thing. We see the suffering. We have to choose to change the pattern. We need a plan of self-directed healing. This is what we talk about in the membership community. You are invited to join us. Here is the info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma Thank you.
Thank you for these videos, as humans, we just cannot seem to let go!
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
Wh atsA p p👆him now
I was just gonna call to see how he is doing but gonna refrain. Thanks
Your words are so true. It’s like you’re seeing into my mind.