I stopped dating for two years... It's been wonderful. My life has done a total turn around. Won my dream role, achieved so much personally and now I love it. Best thing I've ever done.
And I just dated lightly for 6 yes because as soon I notice the pattern, I walked away, it hurts but is so worth it. My insecurities are also less because I having healthy people around you in better metal health than me has helped big time.
Watching at midnight in Scotland. Thank you for your material ❤️ I noticed you said not only could we stop dating, but stop looking to date. For me, that means no more dating apps and swiping anxiously through potential suitors' profiles. You're right - it is distracting. I don't want the distractions any more.
Glad to hear the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships was helpful for you. Thank you for being a member. You're welcome back anytime. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I'm 45 and for the first time in my life, actually happy being single and consciously making that choice. My last relationship drained all the energy from me. Picked the wrong person. And I always pick emotionally unavailable people...but what you said was spot on. I also have my part to play and by refusing to ask for what I need and state my feelings (true vulnerability), I remain safe. Avoidance hiding in plain sight. The one time I opened up and asked for what I needed - emtional support because a loved one was leaving for a long period of time...it wasn't met. What did I do...instead of starting a conversation and realizing this was going to be a pattern, I shut down, people pleased...and never asked for what I needed. I shut down and whenever I felt like expressing something, thought twice and just remained silent. Warning signs I didn't heed because I did not yet step into my own self worth. Let me tell you all, asking for what I need and being emotionally available has now (5 months past break up) become second nature). What's the bi-product? No longer attracted to emotionally unavailable people. I never thought I'd get to this point...but what used to be boring, is now exciting. Safe and consistent are major turn ons. But...I'm gonna (as Alan says) build a close relationship with my lonliness. There's still stuff I need to sift through, but I'm halfway there and it feels great. Thanks Alan. Your perspective is incredible. Love you videos
I did do the 6 months of nothing. Feels great. I have taken up new hobbies, exercised and met new people. I highly recommend this together with NO CONTACT.
This is all so real ! The grief, being alone, walking away from toxic people, finding out who you are, making new other connections and friendships, reframing messages, being mindful. It’s all so real. When you resist running back to a toxic relationship and just let yourself be with the grief it’s a game changer. I found an attachment trauma therapist and we do somatic work, being with the body/containment, recognizing firefighters, etc…. I also understand attachment theory and see the attachments in people so it’s easier to walk away and just be with the grief and disappointment. I’m actually starting to process my childhood abuse and abandonment now. One of the best things I learned from you Alan is that the intensity is of the longing isn’t about the last person but the past and to take the projection off the person. I cry in waves now and remember much more repressed stuff from my childhood. Alan you really understand this. I feel like you completely understand my life. I’ll be forever grateful for you. I share much of your videos and information with my therapist as well. Thank you so much!
Yes I chose a partner where I could be safe and hide then blamed them for me not taking risks and being seen. So loved in the invisibility of being ignored and lonely and now noting where I was covertly participating and now ready to accept responsibility for my own emotional unavailability. Thank you for your guidance
I stopped dating for over 2 y, I consciously worked on myself and I finally felt like sharing myself with someone again so I put myself out there… unfortunately I fell for another emotionally unavailable person and repeated all the dysfunctional pattern again - with more awareness and more skills but not healed :( I am now going back to refocusing on myself and hopefully working with a professional too! All Alan Videos have been very helpful but I probably need to work with someone on my trauma etc
Sheeesh - its so complicated - walking though life feeling like I need to follow some script to navigate all the complexities of relating to another! It should not be so much F*cking work!
I came here to say the same! I took almost 18 years off of dating to raise my daughter. It just occurred to me that maybe, like Alan mentioned, that I was “hiding.” When I finally started dating again, I ended up right back in a relationship with an alcoholic like my ex-husband 35+ years ago. Probably, as Alan said, to be in a relationship with someone more emotionally unavailable than me, so my emotional unavailability wasn’t challenged. I’ve gotten pretty miserable in my relationship, but as I’m approaching 60, I’m kicking around the idea of sticking with it and trying to heal within the relationship, after all… I probably will continue to repeat the cycle. I had to get out my notebook and rewatch this video and take note of some of Alan’s quotes to really process.
I get up in my head too quickly, start to worry, and then I start self-sabotaging. I’ve found someone very nice who lives in another state I may move to for work reasons. He is responsive & definitely likes me. Im letting him drive … I over reach a lot historically with other people but not with this one. I’m telling him what I’d like in my life, (communicating clearly), but I’m not driving. I hope we meet & something with mutual respect & attraction grows. I need to stop worrying so I’m focusing hard on my own life. I can be alone, but it would be lovely to get to get closer & explore the connection. I am practicing self care and confidence. Being conscious of my past triggers but not letting it run me. I feel I’m a good catch - it’s not ego, my self respect has just grown
Alan , this is your most important video for me so far. Your other videos are super as well, and this one just takes the cake. It covers the grief in a really compassionate way. How the grief just opens up the floodgates to what for me turned into complicated grief. Just so encouraging. I like a book called “it’s OK that you are not OK” and also Francis Weller’s books.
Alan, thank you from the bottom of my heart for the work that you do. You make me understand my experiences and help me accept the difficult emotions the human experience includes. Thanks to you I feel like I am okay, and less alone in the world. I think it's a beautiful and connecting experience to reflect and explore relationships with other curious individuals.
Nice to see you are back on youtube. Your videos helped me tremendously, leading me to starting therapy, ending very bad relationship and starting to work on myself. I am still healing and learning but now I am in much more happy and hopefull place. Back then your videos were only sensible resource on youtube and still I think your videos are very, very helpfull (which is a big thing because now we have soooo sooo much chaotic information on mental health which do more bad than good in my opinion.) Thank you so, so much for what you do. It is truly important work. Greetings from Poland ;)
Healing happens in relationships! Not just romantic partnerships. Big thing I learned from reading Peter Levine. Happy you touched on it in this video.
Hi, i love being alone. I've been alone for 2 years to grief the dysfuntional patern. I stepped back into the dating world and i met someone who triggered everyone of my core wounds. Every one of them. Logically i know this person isnt for me, but i seem to keep begging them to love me. I feel different emotions. I have anger towards him, but i also miss him. He was extremely avoidant and i am anxious so i acted out quite a bit. I was vulnerable tho. I shared my needs but it almost seemed as if he purposely did the opposite of my needs. Im going go back to being alone now ☺️ im far from secure
@@PerrySkyePhoenix Well thé more knowledge you gain thé more you understand. He was narcissistic. He lied within the first week, triangulated and gaslit me that chatting with other women (and ignoring me) wasn't a big deal he would trust me if i did that, he discarded me and stonewalled me. Of course he triggered me immensly! But now i know what my trauma wounds are!
It's so so sad that you are "begging " someone to love you.. Where is your self respect, dignity, and honor for yourself?. You are a prime candidate for drawing very dangerous, psychopathic , users, and abusive people to you like a moth to a flame... That is a sign you very unhealed and unhealthy. When you find value and love for yourself you don't beg anyone to love you, you walk away and slam doors shut comfortably knowing your worth. Try counseling, you really need it... Wishing you all the best in your journey ❤
Love what you suggest around minute 15: what part does _my_ emotional unavailability play in the dys/function of my relationship? Revolutionary! I knew, on a level, that I am somewhat emotionally unavailable but hearing you talk was like the penny dropping. Good insight to take into consideration. Also, what you say at the end about finding nurturing, loving, emotionally connected relationships with friends and community is so valuable. And taking the time to be alone for a period. Both of those things I have practiced over the past few years, and they have been instrumental in helping my healing. Many thanks for making and sharing this video.
Thank you Alan. You’re videos are extremely helpful. I found you about 6-8 months ago. I was shocked/excited to find you talking about these topics. I watch now and re learn. Before I was in excruciating pain and it was difficult to listen. Now I have a more objective and logical thought pattern and I keep N learning.
As per Alan, you talk things through so well. I really love your work. Unfortunately, I've done this part. It's been nearly 3 years for me and I allowed myself quite a bit of that time to not pursue anyone after spending my 20s from relationship-to-relationship. Unfortunately, no matter how much time has passed, I can never feel completely comfortable being single. I'm just not wired that way. However, online dating is proving very difficult, let alone global circumstances. I've figured everything out about my behaviour, my previous lack of empathy, poor communication skills, disillusionment with life - all that - yet I just want my ex back as the better me, even after all this time. She was so good for me and I'm still lost without her. I think of her every day.
I found your channel very recently, and I've been watching your videos one after another. Seriously, your insights on attachment trauma are definitely making an impact on me, and I am gaining strength and healing from them. Thank you so very much.
Healing is possible, no matter how old you are! I found the love I sought within me. I found the person with whom I have a mutual love and respect. And it is ME! That person is in you, I promise!
@@janetfondacci3070 spent 1-3 hours every day reading, listening to authorities like Alan, and journaling. I took all the time and energy that I had previously put into my partners and devoted it entirely onto myself: making time for me, caring for me, getting to know me, putting me first, meditating, exercising, paying attention to that child inside who was so neglected and abused….. I finally decided I was worth it. It took time - about two years. And I will continue the work from now on because I deserve it.
My biggest issue is finding myself consistently attracted to people I know aren't good for me. I have the self-awareness at this point to understand that even if my brain is telling me that I have a crush on someone there's a high probability that it's only because I've been wired to be attracted to certain types of individuals. Ie- emotionally cutoff/stunted people who obviously have their own issues to deal with. I think for me this is the most frustrating part. Just figuring out how to convince myself that I don't genuinely like these people or want to be with them I'm just attracted to a negative aspect of their personality which probably stems from my relationship with my parents growing up.
Alan! Thank you soooo much for what you do! I have studied psychology and spirituality and sought self help for longer than I can remember, but this attachment trauma information is the Nail on the Head. I find your articulations Brilliant! And I plead please write a book, I think it would reach so many suffering souls who don’t know what the hell is wrong, and in addition would do wonders for your business. I am sooo very glad I found you. 🙏🏻💕
Thank you for sharing just had relationship come to an end we traveled the whole country together and kept breaking up and flying or driving across the country back to one another.
I love your work Alan ! Thank you. I am looking forward to join your online community. I have been so isolated for the past few years. Disconnection feels very painful. Although I don’t regret “cleaning the closet“ and truly cutting off so many toxic relationships I had in my life. feeling disconnected is painful , being pulled , used and abused by takers was a lot worst . I feel very proud to have had the courage to end with so many of those relationships, I do want to fill in the space with people that want to see me win.
Thank you for the feedback. Glad to hear you love the content. Thank you for valuing my effort. It would be great to have you join us in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You can learn more by taking the Relationship Quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Woke up from a trance two years ago because of one of your videos. I would say it was the start to my healing journey/spiritual awakening. Thank you and glad you're back on YT ♥
I am definitely becoming a member, it's like I've beeen looking for this space for sooooo long, and from this video alone, I know that this is PERSONAL & NECESSARY! #IAmReadyToHeal
Dr Robarge, you are and have been so incredibly generous, kind, thorough, helpful and concise. You share the deepest concepts in ways we can understand but you’re also so eloquent. I’ve listened to you for so many hours and been deeply helped. Today I finally used the heart/$ key to thank you. I am in your debt. Thank you for using your gifts so generously for all of us. May blessings abound for you in every way. Hugs!
I didn't submit that question, but it could have been me. I related so completely to the destructive cycle that it started to feel like you were literally speaking directly to me. Your videos are so abundant with insight-sparking, gentle, realistic, non gender complicated, non -judgemental reflection. Thank you , sincerely, so much.
I just ended a 14 years relationship and I'm afraid about solitude. But for a strange reason, I'm also drown to it like it's a vast internal territory Ive never explored. So, I take it like a discovery trip. I've found a lot of great comment down here that give me some support. Thanks you all. I hope I can learn to love myself so I will never treat me as I've got no value. Lot of courage to all of you!
Empathy as you process through. It is not easy to end a 14 year-long relationship. Many can relate with this kind of grappling after relationships end. "Discovery trip" are good words. Glad this video resonated for you. Thanks for commenting.
resonate. you have an amazing ability to explain difficult hidden feelings and issues in words which is per found and exposes the hurt, grief and sadness within which is necessary to move forward slowly, internally. much appreciated Alan.
Great to hear this resonates! Thank you for valuing my work. Glad it offers benefit. To dive deeper into these dynamics you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I am 6 months in..I'm going through a time of recovery after the breakup of a very toxic relationship with a guy that had his own long list of emotional issues. I am not dating for a minimum of at least one year. I have had to sit with the grief and betrayal, it isn't easy but I am telling everyone that it is soooo worth it.
That's lovely. Glad this video spoke to you. Thanks for commenting. Also, grieving our losses is an ongoing topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Alan, You have been very insightful to watch. You have shared a beautifully meaningful approach to the inner world. Many of the struggles you've explored in the videos are exactly the types of things I'm now working with inside me. I'm happy to be learning that some positive can come from this painful life experience. Even though I've been struggling pretty hard through this lost love your videos are providing an awakening of hope. I'm happy to have found that you deal in strong emotions because lately they've been dictating much of my life. My relationship ended so rough that I found myself grieving over it and making it worse....breaking down my feelings of loss & suffering has revealed that it's ok to feel very strongly right now. The coping you describe sounds so wise and makes me believe something really healing can come out of this. 💜
It's so true, the strong emotions have also dictated my life before. Yep, I've had to learn how to work with the loss and suffering too. I can speak from experience and I could not even count how many people can relate as well. One of the best ways to cope I've found is how affirming it is when others have been there and can understand our experience. I'm wondering if you've heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn so much from each other. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
I appreciate the comment and glad my work speaks to you. Thank you for the feedback. Since you connect with the videos you may also like to participate in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Take the quiz to learn more. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Hello Alan, I appreciate your work a lot. Is it possible to make a video on "how to completely move on"? It's been 2 months since I stopped checking up on them, I am not spending my days 7/24 thinking about them like how I used to but seeing their name or their photo on random somewhere still completely breaks me down and puts me in a really bad spot. It makes me genuinely so upset and it doesn't get better no matter what I do. Not only that but I also feel "stuck". Even though I've been told "we are never ever getting back together" countless times, I can't kill the slight bit of hope that is left inside of me. I feel so lost on what do and would appreciate a video about this topic if possible
Hello, empathy to you. Many people struggle with this. Glad you are reaching out. Thank you for the suggestion. Please submit it to be considered for a future video www.alanrobarge.com/questions
I am 48 years old and just got my heart broken again. Sometimes I think there is something wrong with me. I feel so small. But still I want to find love and a lifetime partner. I don't know what to do.
I can empathize with what you shared. I can understand this is disheartening. Many have shared feeling frustrated with these patterns. I'm reminded of how sometimes we need to be gentle with ourselves. The what to do is something members explore in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. There are members who have been there for over three years now. I welcome you joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
This was incredibly deep and moving. I broke up nearly 6 months ago but found myself in a situation very soon after that I didn’t even see coming, when the topic of relationships were brought up I instantly felt fear and anxiety, I didnt want to lose the person but I felt that I still had so much grief to work through, not being chosen, not being a priority, the disrespect, it was still heavy in my spirit - I have now decided to be alone, i don’t want to feel all the things I’m feeling now, it’s so painful and hurtful but I know deep down I was just distracting myself with what felt good to block out everything else. I need to get right in me and for me, I choose to focus on me and FINALLY put myself 1st. Thank you for such an insightful and compassionate video, I teared up a few times x
I agree in taking time off! What do you think of more somatic processing modalities such as EMDR c-PTSD, ketamine infusions (anxiety/depression), NLP, or Psych-K etc in addition to traditional therapy? I’ve found that I’ve needed to add more esoteric forms to help process abandonment wounds. Would you consider doing a video on somatic work that you support?
You are so awesome.. You always offer so much meaning and information. It's sad that we as humans have to deal with these complicated feelings. I struggle to let go and move on after 3 years. Now I'm ready to move on I want to but I'm afraid of going through the same thing again . I'm 38 always had long relationships that have started off grest but turn out so dysfunctional and in ways toxic. I getting to old to date gut after guy. And find the right connection that i feel is validated .
True, the ads are jarring ... but Alan *is* providing all of this valuable content for free! I endure the ads to ensure he gets a little payment in return ...much cheaper than a psych session 🙂
I am HSP, and I also find ads on TH-cam jarring, especially when they are mid-thought or mid-sentence. I'm willing to support this channel and this platform because I find this content so valuable. I manage by replaying interrupted portions. It slows down viewing, but softens the mental disturbance the ads create. To me, it's a worthwhile tradeoff for such valuable, free content.
Hmm, perry skye phoenix. Me 2! Married 3 times. My last husband died of cancer. 2006, I have been single now for years. The last guy I dated in 2010 was insane and stalked me until 2020. Now he was the guy that broke the camel's back on my interest in dating. I look back over my life and wonder why it took me so long to figure out I kept dating the same guy over and over? Just hard-headed lol..
@@sunflowerzelda45 I can relate, but at least in my case it wasn't "hard headed-ness" it was this thing called "trauma bond" and I confused it with love.
Hi Alan, could you please do a video about being ‘loved’ but not feeling love or connection because of emotional deprivation schema / love never feeling like enough, not feeling connected bc not feeling understood and fully relating to the person? I am feeling very lonely because all the friends I relate to and feel comfortable with live in other cities and I don’t feel fully connected and supported by the friends I do have / who are close to me. I wish I did. Also most people’s friendships seem like I would feel deprived in them too if it were me.
I would like to finally break this cycle. However, is it possible to not feel terribly lonely when one's does not have family (and was alone almost all the time since childhood), lives alone and the friends have their own life? How can I change it without getting into another relationship?
Thanks for the questions. I'm reminded how we need both relationship with ourselves and others. This comes up in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community You're welcome to join us.
There’s support groups-like Alan’s, also volunteering to help others-in whatever group resonates with you is another way to make valuable connections. ❤️🌺
This was incredibly helpful. Thank you. I discovered you a year ago and have been doing active healing work since a bit before then. Thia video came at a good time. I've made great progress, but there is still more.
Wow, great video. I believe it helps to understand what you can do to heal in therapy to really help these points stick but this is a great video. Thank you.
I have a question: so, if I'm the one who is emotionally unavailable, even though I blamed that on my partner, then what is all the loneliness and love-seeking behavior about?
Most of those core feelings come from how we were connected to during the first 18 months of life. I haven’t listen to this video yet but if you look up attachment theory it may give you some understanding. But also seeking connection is a natural biological thing. So even with trauma we’re still going to have that biological need. Even though the unavailability is like this armor to protect self from experiences you don’t want to have again that were probably traumatizing.
I appreciate the way you offer suggestions without adding judgement if we feel like we have to do something different. Someday we might learn to take good advice 😂
I got BPD so I've got black and white thinking emotional diregulation so I pick unavailable partners because I fear intimacy and abandonment and I struggle to let people get close to me because I'm afraid I might hurt them time and time again
Glad you are finding this content of benefit. Thanks for valuing my work and efforts. Also, thanks for your interest. You can learn everything you need to know about working together here: www.alanrobarge.com/counseling
Thank you for the kind and wise words. It was also really good at being curious about the wording: "What's wrong with me?". Is it said out of perhaps loving curiosity to get wiser - or is it a regular disgrace to oneself? Good point!
I have the issue of just pining and pining for failed bad relationships even when I know they were bad for everyone involved and have accepted my own responsibility for what went wrong. Still I pine forever, without looking for something new...until something new happens. That is the only time the pining stops. Why?
Thanks for the question. Great awareness. I hope this is helpful to notice. I'm reminded of how sometimes healing work cannot be processed through thought and logic alone. Sometimes it helps to reflect on feelings, actions and body-based experiences. This is something members can explore in their Personal Healing Process in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community You're invited to join us.
I became the opposite and refuse any kind of friendship relationship. Got tired of it despite therapy and moving continents it continued. I decided to remain alone as it's the safest thing. I can't even bring myself to speak to humans I hate them with such intensity. I am content with being alone as my life isn't disrupted by humans. Humans ruined my existence and I avoid them at all costs. Only way to stay safe after spending extortionate amounts of wasted time on therapy for false hope. Humans are inherently evil.
As a women, even when giving up on dating there is always a man that will come up to me. I will be turning down a man all the time. So I don’t know how to approach this especially because I’m attractive and my aura attracts them to me.
I stopped dating for two years... It's been wonderful. My life has done a total turn around. Won my dream role, achieved so much personally and now I love it. Best thing I've ever done.
I'm at the beginning of doing just this and a little over 4 months in and I'm almost giddy about becoming clear on a lot of things and finding myself.
Me too. I stopped dating for over 4 years and just focus on improving myself.Life is good. Cheers
Wow I want to be like you both!!!
And I just dated lightly for 6 yes because as soon I notice the pattern, I walked away, it hurts but is so worth it. My insecurities are also less because I having healthy people around you in better metal health than me has helped big time.
@@lynnev9781 - Ditto 🙂
Watching at midnight in Scotland. Thank you for your material ❤️
I noticed you said not only could we stop dating, but stop looking to date. For me, that means no more dating apps and swiping anxiously through potential suitors' profiles. You're right - it is distracting. I don't want the distractions any more.
I took his 8 week course. It healed me and I'm no longer attracted to toxic partners or anxiously attach to them. Thank you Allan!
Glad to hear the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships was helpful for you. Thank you for being a member.
You're welcome back anytime. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I didn't date for 2,5 years and used that time as inner work journey.Its been very beneficial after all
I'm 45 and for the first time in my life, actually happy being single and consciously making that choice. My last relationship drained all the energy from me. Picked the wrong person. And I always pick emotionally unavailable people...but what you said was spot on. I also have my part to play and by refusing to ask for what I need and state my feelings (true vulnerability), I remain safe. Avoidance hiding in plain sight.
The one time I opened up and asked for what I needed - emtional support because a loved one was leaving for a long period of time...it wasn't met. What did I do...instead of starting a conversation and realizing this was going to be a pattern, I shut down, people pleased...and never asked for what I needed. I shut down and whenever I felt like expressing something, thought twice and just remained silent. Warning signs I didn't heed because I did not yet step into my own self worth.
Let me tell you all, asking for what I need and being emotionally available has now (5 months past break up) become second nature). What's the bi-product? No longer attracted to emotionally unavailable people. I never thought I'd get to this point...but what used to be boring, is now exciting. Safe and consistent are major turn ons. But...I'm gonna (as Alan says) build a close relationship with my lonliness. There's still stuff I need to sift through, but I'm halfway there and it feels great.
Thanks Alan. Your perspective is incredible. Love you videos
Your words bring comfort Alan…Your sensitivity and empathy are heartfelt and sincere and it’s just so nice. Thank you for all you do.
"IF WE ARE HURT RELATIONNALY , WE HEAL RELATIONNALY" , powerful statement ! thank you Alan !
I did do the 6 months of nothing. Feels great. I have taken up new hobbies, exercised and met new people. I highly recommend this together with NO CONTACT.
Wow! That truly hit me about being emotionally unavailable ourselves and picking event more emotionally unavailable partners.
This is all so real ! The grief, being alone, walking away from toxic people, finding out who you are, making new other connections and friendships, reframing messages, being mindful. It’s all so real. When you resist running back to a toxic relationship and just let yourself be with the grief it’s a game changer. I found an attachment trauma therapist and we do somatic work, being with the body/containment, recognizing firefighters, etc…. I also understand attachment theory and see the attachments in people so it’s easier to walk away and just be with the grief and disappointment. I’m actually starting to process my childhood abuse and abandonment now. One of the best things I learned from you Alan is that the intensity is of the longing isn’t about the last person but the past and to take the projection off the person. I cry in waves now and remember much more repressed stuff from my childhood. Alan you really understand this. I feel like you completely understand my life. I’ll be forever grateful for you. I share much of your videos and information with my therapist as well. Thank you so much!
Your channel has improved my life
Yes I chose a partner where I could be safe and hide then blamed them for me not taking risks and being seen. So loved in the invisibility of being ignored and lonely and now noting where I was covertly participating and now ready to accept responsibility for my own emotional unavailability. Thank you for your guidance
I stopped dating for over 2 y, I consciously worked on myself and I finally felt like sharing myself with someone again so I put myself out there… unfortunately I fell for another emotionally unavailable person and repeated all the dysfunctional pattern again - with more awareness and more skills but not healed :( I am now going back to refocusing on myself and hopefully working with a professional too! All Alan Videos have been very helpful but I probably need to work with someone on my trauma etc
Sheeesh - its so complicated - walking though life feeling like I need to follow some script to navigate all the complexities of relating to another! It should not be so much F*cking work!
Same
I came here to say the same! I took almost 18 years off of dating to raise my daughter. It just occurred to me that maybe, like Alan mentioned, that I was “hiding.” When I finally started dating again, I ended up right back in a relationship with an alcoholic like my ex-husband 35+ years ago. Probably, as Alan said, to be in a relationship with someone more emotionally unavailable than me, so my emotional unavailability wasn’t challenged. I’ve gotten pretty miserable in my relationship, but as I’m approaching 60, I’m kicking around the idea of sticking with it and trying to heal within the relationship, after all… I probably will continue to repeat the cycle. I had to get out my notebook and rewatch this video and take note of some of Alan’s quotes to really process.
Me too recently! I have the exact same story! We can do this tho! Dont give up 🙌🙌
Every goodbye is an opportunity to grow 💕
I get up in my head too quickly, start to worry, and then I start self-sabotaging. I’ve found someone very nice who lives in another state I may move to for work reasons. He is responsive & definitely likes me. Im letting him drive … I over reach a lot historically with other people but not with this one. I’m telling him what I’d like in my life, (communicating clearly), but I’m not driving. I hope we meet & something with mutual respect & attraction grows. I need to stop worrying so I’m focusing hard on my own life. I can be alone, but it would be lovely to get to get closer & explore the connection. I am practicing self care and confidence. Being conscious of my past triggers but not letting it run me. I feel I’m a good catch - it’s not ego, my self respect has just grown
Alan , this is your most important video for me so far. Your other videos are super as well, and this one just takes the cake. It covers the grief in a really compassionate way. How the grief just opens up the floodgates to what for me turned into complicated grief. Just so encouraging. I like a book called “it’s OK that you are not OK” and also Francis Weller’s books.
Alan, thank you from the bottom of my heart for the work that you do. You make me understand my experiences and help me accept the difficult emotions the human experience includes. Thanks to you I feel like I am okay, and less alone in the world. I think it's a beautiful and connecting experience to reflect and explore relationships with other curious individuals.
this guy's clarity is a beautiful thing
I appreciate the kind words
Nice to see you are back on youtube. Your videos helped me tremendously, leading me to starting therapy, ending very bad relationship and starting to work on myself. I am still healing and learning but now I am in much more happy and hopefull place. Back then your videos were only sensible resource on youtube and still I think your videos are very, very helpfull (which is a big thing because now we have soooo sooo much chaotic information on mental health which do more bad than good in my opinion.) Thank you so, so much for what you do. It is truly important work. Greetings from Poland ;)
Healing happens in relationships! Not just romantic partnerships. Big thing I learned from reading Peter Levine. Happy you touched on it in this video.
Well said.
Hi, i love being alone. I've been alone for 2 years to grief the dysfuntional patern. I stepped back into the dating world and i met someone who triggered everyone of my core wounds. Every one of them. Logically i know this person isnt for me, but i seem to keep begging them to love me. I feel different emotions. I have anger towards him, but i also miss him. He was extremely avoidant and i am anxious so i acted out quite a bit. I was vulnerable tho. I shared my needs but it almost seemed as if he purposely did the opposite of my needs. Im going go back to being alone now ☺️ im far from secure
Thank you for sharing your experience.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma thank you for acknowleding my experience 💨
I can relate to your experience. I've been single for 15 years.
@@PerrySkyePhoenix Well thé more knowledge you gain thé more you understand. He was narcissistic. He lied within the first week, triangulated and gaslit me that chatting with other women (and ignoring me) wasn't a big deal he would trust me if i did that, he discarded me and stonewalled me. Of course he triggered me immensly! But now i know what my trauma wounds are!
It's so so sad that you are "begging " someone to love you..
Where is your self respect, dignity, and honor for yourself?. You are a prime candidate for drawing very dangerous, psychopathic , users, and abusive people to you like a moth to a flame... That is a sign you very unhealed and unhealthy. When you find value and love for yourself you don't beg anyone to love you, you walk away and slam doors shut comfortably knowing your worth. Try counseling, you really need it... Wishing you all the best in your journey ❤
Love what you suggest around minute 15: what part does _my_ emotional unavailability play in the dys/function of my relationship? Revolutionary! I knew, on a level, that I am somewhat emotionally unavailable but hearing you talk was like the penny dropping. Good insight to take into consideration.
Also, what you say at the end about finding nurturing, loving, emotionally connected relationships with friends and community is so valuable. And taking the time to be alone for a period. Both of those things I have practiced over the past few years, and they have been instrumental in helping my healing.
Many thanks for making and sharing this video.
Thank you Alan. You’re videos are extremely helpful. I found you about 6-8 months ago. I was shocked/excited to find you talking about these topics. I watch now and re learn. Before I was in excruciating pain and it was difficult to listen. Now I have a more objective and logical thought pattern and I keep N learning.
Best therapist on TH-cam ❣🎯🥰
As per Alan, you talk things through so well. I really love your work.
Unfortunately, I've done this part. It's been nearly 3 years for me and I allowed myself quite a bit of that time to not pursue anyone after spending my 20s from relationship-to-relationship. Unfortunately, no matter how much time has passed, I can never feel completely comfortable being single. I'm just not wired that way.
However, online dating is proving very difficult, let alone global circumstances. I've figured everything out about my behaviour, my previous lack of empathy, poor communication skills, disillusionment with life - all that - yet I just want my ex back as the better me, even after all this time. She was so good for me and I'm still lost without her. I think of her every day.
I found your channel very recently, and I've been watching your videos one after another. Seriously, your insights on attachment trauma are definitely making an impact on me, and I am gaining strength and healing from them. Thank you so very much.
I appreciate the feedback and thanks for valuing my efforts. Glad this content is impactful for you.
Healing is possible, no matter how old you are! I found the love I sought within me. I found the person with whom I have a mutual love and respect. And it is ME! That person is in you, I promise!
Lovely comment. Thanks.
How did you do it?
@@janetfondacci3070 spent 1-3 hours every day reading, listening to authorities like Alan, and journaling. I took all the time and energy that I had previously put into my partners and devoted it entirely onto myself: making time for me, caring for me, getting to know me, putting me first, meditating, exercising, paying attention to that child inside who was so neglected and abused…..
I finally decided I was worth it. It took time - about two years. And I will continue the work from now on because I deserve it.
My biggest issue is finding myself consistently attracted to people I know aren't good for me. I have the self-awareness at this point to understand that even if my brain is telling me that I have a crush on someone there's a high probability that it's only because I've been wired to be attracted to certain types of individuals. Ie- emotionally cutoff/stunted people who obviously have their own issues to deal with. I think for me this is the most frustrating part. Just figuring out how to convince myself that I don't genuinely like these people or want to be with them I'm just attracted to a negative aspect of their personality which probably stems from my relationship with my parents growing up.
Alan! Thank you soooo much for what you do! I have studied psychology and spirituality and sought self help for longer than I can remember, but this attachment trauma information is the Nail on the Head. I find your articulations Brilliant! And I plead please write a book, I think it would reach so many suffering souls who don’t know what the hell is wrong, and in addition would do wonders for your business. I am sooo very glad I found you. 🙏🏻💕
Thank you so much Alan. You have changed many people life with your amazing work.
Thank you for sharing just had relationship come to an end we traveled the whole country together and kept breaking up and flying or driving across the country back to one another.
"Grief is attending to the part that's hurting." A brilliant new perspective for me. Another layer of the onion revealed. Thank you!
Glad this speaks to you. Thanks for valuing my work.
I love 💕 this video. I found Peace ☮️ in my Aloneness. Meditation 🧘♀️ Quiet 🤫 ness
🙏❤🙏
I love your work Alan ! Thank you.
I am looking forward to join your online community. I have been so isolated for the past few years. Disconnection feels very painful. Although I don’t regret “cleaning the closet“ and truly cutting off so many toxic relationships I had in my life. feeling disconnected is painful , being pulled , used and abused by takers was a lot worst . I feel very proud to have had the courage to end with so many of those relationships, I do want to fill in the space with people that want to see me win.
Thank you for the feedback. Glad to hear you love the content. Thank you for valuing my effort. It would be great to have you join us in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You can learn more by taking the Relationship Quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Woke up from a trance two years ago because of one of your videos. I would say it was the start to my healing journey/spiritual awakening. Thank you and glad you're back on YT ♥
I am definitely becoming a member, it's like I've beeen looking for this space for sooooo long, and from this video alone, I know that this is PERSONAL & NECESSARY!
#IAmReadyToHeal
I see you have a new marketing manager with your new thumbnails. 😄 I love your content and appreciate the time and love you put into everything.
Dr Robarge, you are and have been so incredibly generous, kind, thorough, helpful and concise. You share the deepest concepts in ways we can understand but you’re also so eloquent. I’ve listened to you for so many hours and been deeply helped. Today I finally used the heart/$ key to thank you. I am in your debt. Thank you for using your gifts so generously for all of us. May blessings abound for you in every way. Hugs!
I didn't submit that question, but it could have been me. I related so completely to the destructive cycle that it started to feel like you were literally speaking directly to me. Your videos are so abundant with insight-sparking, gentle, realistic, non gender complicated, non -judgemental reflection. Thank you , sincerely, so much.
I just ended a 14 years relationship and I'm afraid about solitude. But for a strange reason, I'm also drown to it like it's a vast internal territory Ive never explored. So, I take it like a discovery trip. I've found a lot of great comment down here that give me some support. Thanks you all. I hope I can learn to love myself so I will never treat me as I've got no value. Lot of courage to all of you!
Empathy as you process through. It is not easy to end a 14 year-long relationship. Many can relate with this kind of grappling after relationships end. "Discovery trip" are good words. Glad this video resonated for you. Thanks for commenting.
resonate. you have an amazing ability to explain difficult hidden feelings and issues in words which is per found and exposes the hurt, grief and sadness within which is necessary to move forward slowly, internally. much appreciated Alan.
WOW!! You hit the nail on the head!! Finally someone put my feelings into words. Thank you so very much
Great to hear this resonates! Thank you for valuing my work. Glad it offers benefit.
To dive deeper into these dynamics you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I am 6 months in..I'm going through a time of recovery after the breakup of a very toxic relationship with a guy that had his own long list of emotional issues. I am not dating for a minimum of at least one year. I have had to sit with the grief and betrayal, it isn't easy but I am telling everyone that it is soooo worth it.
Glad to see you were engaged with this content. Thanks for your reflection. Good you are prioritizing yourself.
I’m 11 months in :( still dreams and thoughts…and want to text him omg :(
thank you. I will open my heart to accept grief as a friend.
That's lovely. Glad this video spoke to you. Thanks for commenting.
Also, grieving our losses is an ongoing topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with the world. I have been working on this healing path, never ends, but every triumph makes it worth it.
Mr Robarge what a blessing this video has been! Thank you so much for the compassion you bring to your practice! 🙏
Thanks!
You're welcome.
Thank you 🙏
Thank you so much, this was an excellent video and I appreciate you ❤
Thank you, Alan. You have been a part of my healing journey. I appreciate you sharing your time and gifts 🙏🙏
This video was excellent!!!
Thanks for the kind words. Glad my work brings benefit.
I appreciate your insight into "doing the work" and including reflection. Love this
So nice to see you back on TH-cam
Thanks for the kind words.
Alan, You have been very insightful to watch. You have shared a beautifully meaningful approach to the inner world. Many of the struggles you've explored in the videos are exactly the types of things I'm now working with inside me. I'm happy to be learning that some positive can come from this painful life experience. Even though I've been struggling pretty hard through this lost love your videos are providing an awakening of hope. I'm happy to have found that you deal in strong emotions because lately they've been dictating much of my life. My relationship ended so rough that I found myself grieving over it and making it worse....breaking down my feelings of loss & suffering has revealed that it's ok to feel very strongly right now. The coping you describe sounds so wise and makes me believe something really healing can come out of this.
💜
It's so true, the strong emotions have also dictated my life before. Yep, I've had to learn how to work with the loss and suffering too. I can speak from experience and I could not even count how many people can relate as well. One of the best ways to cope I've found is how affirming it is when others have been there and can understand our experience. I'm wondering if you've heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn so much from each other.
www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
The comment about the *acid* of loneliness really hit home for me.
Thank you for all of your valuable content Alan 🙏 🙏
I appreciate the comment and glad my work speaks to you. Thank you for the feedback.
Since you connect with the videos you may also like to participate in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Take the quiz to learn more. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
All of your content is excellent and very much appreciated Allen. Thank you.
“Unhealthy, insecurely attached, dysfunctional relating…” That pretty much sums it up!
thanks
Alan, would you please do a Live? I think you are wonderful 😍
Hello Alan, I appreciate your work a lot. Is it possible to make a video on "how to completely move on"? It's been 2 months since I stopped checking up on them, I am not spending my days 7/24 thinking about them like how I used to but seeing their name or their photo on random somewhere still completely breaks me down and puts me in a really bad spot. It makes me genuinely so upset and it doesn't get better no matter what I do. Not only that but I also feel "stuck". Even though I've been told "we are never ever getting back together" countless times, I can't kill the slight bit of hope that is left inside of me. I feel so lost on what do and would appreciate a video about this topic if possible
Hello, empathy to you. Many people struggle with this. Glad you are reaching out. Thank you for the suggestion. Please submit it to be considered for a future video www.alanrobarge.com/questions
So happy that ure back (: thanks for your content
Appreciate the warm welcome.
I totally value you’re teaching and honesty. I’ve been following for a long time. Best teaching I’ve heard on this topic either
Thanks for the kind words and thanks for valuing my work. Glad you find benefit.
Thank you very much Alan.
I am 48 years old and just got my heart broken again. Sometimes I think there is something wrong with me. I feel so small. But still I want to find love and a lifetime partner. I don't know what to do.
I can empathize with what you shared. I can understand this is disheartening. Many have shared feeling frustrated with these patterns. I'm reminded of how sometimes we need to be gentle with ourselves.
The what to do is something members explore in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. There are members who have been there for over three years now.
I welcome you joining us:
www.alanrobarge.com/community
This was incredibly deep and moving. I broke up nearly 6 months ago but found myself in a situation very soon after that I didn’t even see coming, when the topic of relationships were brought up I instantly felt fear and anxiety, I didnt want to lose the person but I felt that I still had so much grief to work through, not being chosen, not being a priority, the disrespect, it was still heavy in my spirit - I have now decided to be alone, i don’t want to feel all the things I’m feeling now, it’s so painful and hurtful but I know deep down I was just distracting myself with what felt good to block out everything else. I need to get right in me and for me, I choose to focus on me and FINALLY put myself 1st. Thank you for such an insightful and compassionate video, I teared up a few times x
I agree in taking time off! What do you think of more somatic processing modalities such as EMDR c-PTSD, ketamine infusions (anxiety/depression), NLP, or Psych-K etc in addition to traditional therapy? I’ve found that I’ve needed to add more esoteric forms to help process abandonment wounds. Would you consider doing a video on somatic work that you support?
You are so awesome..
You always offer so much meaning and information.
It's sad that we as humans have to deal with these complicated feelings.
I struggle to let go and move on after 3 years.
Now I'm ready to move on I want to but I'm afraid of going through the same thing again .
I'm 38 always had long relationships that have started off grest but turn out so dysfunctional and in ways toxic.
I getting to old to date gut after guy.
And find the right connection that i feel is validated .
I appreciate the kind words. I can tell you connected with the content. Thanks for the positivity.
I really appreciate your videos Alan, thank you! 💗
Alan, you’re awesome man! Thanks a lot for your content 🙏🏼
Just discovered your channel today and subscribed. Your advices make so much sense and they are comforting.
Thanks for your kind words.
Muy bueno!
Healing 1 day at a time. Thanks Alan.
love Alan, and his work is so important. ads are jarring though. eesh. ✨
True, the ads are jarring ... but Alan *is* providing all of this valuable content for free! I endure the ads to ensure he gets a little payment in return ...much cheaper than a psych session 🙂
I am HSP, and I also find ads on TH-cam jarring, especially when they are mid-thought or mid-sentence. I'm willing to support this channel and this platform because I find this content so valuable. I manage by replaying interrupted portions. It slows down viewing, but softens the mental disturbance the ads create. To me, it's a worthwhile tradeoff for such valuable, free content.
I've been lonely for as long as I can remember, and especially in my adult relationships.
Hmm, perry skye phoenix. Me 2! Married 3 times. My last husband died of cancer. 2006, I have been single now for years. The last guy I dated in 2010 was insane and stalked me until 2020. Now he was the guy that broke the camel's back on my interest in dating. I look back over my life and wonder why it took me so long to figure out I kept dating the same guy over and over? Just hard-headed lol..
@@sunflowerzelda45 I can relate, but at least in my case it wasn't "hard headed-ness" it was this thing called "trauma bond" and I confused it with love.
Hi Alan, could you please do a video about being ‘loved’ but not feeling love or connection because of emotional deprivation schema / love never feeling like enough, not feeling connected bc not feeling understood and fully relating to the person? I am feeling very lonely because all the friends I relate to and feel comfortable with live in other cities and I don’t feel fully connected and supported by the friends I do have / who are close to me. I wish I did. Also most people’s friendships seem like I would feel deprived in them too if it were me.
I would like to finally break this cycle. However, is it possible to not feel terribly lonely when one's does not have family (and was alone almost all the time since childhood), lives alone and the friends have their own life? How can I change it without getting into another relationship?
Thanks for the questions. I'm reminded how we need both relationship with ourselves and others.
This comes up in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community You're welcome to join us.
There’s support groups-like Alan’s, also volunteering to help others-in whatever group resonates with you is another way to make valuable connections. ❤️🌺
Thank you Alan! Great points!
You're welcome.
This was incredibly helpful. Thank you. I discovered you a year ago and have been doing active healing work since a bit before then. Thia video came at a good time. I've made great progress, but there is still more.
Great video as always, thank you 🙏🌟
So glad to see new content. Missed you around here!
Wow, great video. I believe it helps to understand what you can do to heal in therapy to really help these points stick but this is a great video. Thank you.
Your videos help, thank you.
Thanks, Alan. So insightful.
I like your talk in the video. I can’t find the link to become a community member.
I have a question: so, if I'm the one who is emotionally unavailable, even though I blamed that on my partner, then what is all the loneliness and love-seeking behavior about?
Most of those core feelings come from how we were connected to during the first 18 months of life. I haven’t listen to this video yet but if you look up attachment theory it may give you some understanding. But also seeking connection is a natural biological thing. So even with trauma we’re still going to have that biological need. Even though the unavailability is like this armor to protect self from experiences you don’t want to have again that were probably traumatizing.
I appreciate the way you offer suggestions without adding judgement if we feel like we have to do something different. Someday we might learn to take good advice 😂
This was so good!
You're wonderful Alan xx
Thankyou Alan for your video. I appreciate your content. 🙏💗
I got BPD so I've got black and white thinking emotional diregulation so I pick unavailable partners because I fear intimacy and abandonment and I struggle to let people get close to me because I'm afraid I might hurt them time and time again
Great awareness and empathy to you for this experience. Many of us can relate with this type of struggle.
Thank you.
Great info thx so much
I just recently found your videos and they are so helpful and spot on.
Are you currently taking any new clients?
Glad you are finding this content of benefit. Thanks for valuing my work and efforts.
Also, thanks for your interest. You can learn everything you need to know about working together here:
www.alanrobarge.com/counseling
Thank you for the kind and wise words. It was also really good at being curious about the wording: "What's wrong with me?". Is it said out of perhaps loving curiosity to get wiser - or is it a regular disgrace to oneself? Good point!
Sage and beyond helpful and healthy advice 🙏✌️👏
I have the issue of just pining and pining for failed bad relationships even when I know they were bad for everyone involved and have accepted my own responsibility for what went wrong. Still I pine forever, without looking for something new...until something new happens. That is the only time the pining stops. Why?
Thanks for the question. Great awareness. I hope this is helpful to notice. I'm reminded of how sometimes healing work cannot be processed through thought and logic alone. Sometimes it helps to reflect on feelings, actions and body-based experiences.
This is something members can explore in their Personal Healing Process in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community You're invited to join us.
I became the opposite and refuse any kind of friendship relationship. Got tired of it despite therapy and moving continents it continued. I decided to remain alone as it's the safest thing. I can't even bring myself to speak to humans I hate them with such intensity. I am content with being alone as my life isn't disrupted by humans. Humans ruined my existence and I avoid them at all costs. Only way to stay safe after spending extortionate amounts of wasted time on therapy for false hope. Humans are inherently evil.
Thank you Alan❤
You're welcome.
How does one judge how much "depth of emotional connection " should be from our primary relationship vs relationships with others in our life?
Actually sometimes it’s not really about looking for someone literally it’s something about money and support
As a women, even when giving up on dating there is always a man that will come up to me. I will be turning down a man all the time. So I don’t know how to approach this especially because I’m attractive and my aura attracts them to me.