Transcript available on Patreon www.patreon.com/posts/gotcha-questions-115856191 or Substack darrenfmagee.substack.com/p/gotcha-questions-and-how-to-handle
I like the last suggestion ( don't answer) because I have found that it is best not to prolong the nonsense. That's toxic entertainment for them. A good nonresponse is a shoulder shrug.
I always feel the pressure to answer! Darren said it as well at the end "to leave it hanging" but how do you do that without looking like you are giving in / pouting etc?
First rule is to stop caring what people like this think of you. If you keep cool they have nothing. They're looking at causing a reaction. Like a puppeteer, I do this they'll do that. @@Ilvyy
Me too. I was always told to “be nice” but that’s bad advice. Kind yes, but you don’t owe anyone anything. Look at them strangely, change the subject or just ignore them. Gotta go! is a good one. It’s taking me decades to not be so nice and it’s ok to protect yourself from rudeness.
My MIL loves to ask "gotcha" questions, so my husband and I discuss before her visit possible questions she could ask and what our responses would be. We are usually spot on with the questions she asks 😂 Narcs really are predictable. Just think about them being a child (that's what their mental state is anyway), and you'll never look at them the same again.
I spent days and evening explaining to someone with obvious BPD. Trapped and relentlessly questioned. The tables could not be turned in any way by asking questions back. It is draining.
Love this! I have a saying, “don’t take the hot potato someone is trying to hand over.” That’s the falsehood. Main thing is to slow down when this comes up. Don’t take the hot potato! Have lists of ways to slow this down and not participate. Could be a way to buy time, but that’s ok. Main thing is don’t react
When a thought or motivation is imposed on you, immediately retort "I have my own thoughts and feelings and they bear no relation to what you are projecting on to me". End there, turn away. Depart.
Going gray rock worked 😉 he finally admitted that he could no longer trigger me… then just disappeared! It teaches us self control as well as defeats the narcissist because their supply of emotional dysregulation dries up, leaving them in need of another victim to drain of energy
I decided I don’t need to answer a question just because it was asked. They aren’t entitled to an answer just because they want one. Just like if someone knocks on your door it doesn’t mean you have to answer it 😂
I was too gobsmacked with shock at a recent craft meeting to know how to respond, when in a previously cordial conversation, a lady suddenly turned to me and said 'you think im really stupid don't you?'. I looked at another lady who expressed no facial change to show her thoughts and i cant remember what exactly i said, something like 'what makes you think i think you're stupid?', in response she glared at me, and i quickly changed the subject. I just cant think quickly on the spot, slow witted, and usually just answer with an honest response, explaining myself. Which leaves me feeling judged and drained. Lately i have been trying to coach myself before going to these groups the Deep method. Don't defend, engage etc. Especially i just don't answer their rude, invasive questions. I just smile, bounce the question back, or shrug. And walk away when i can. It doesnt take all the negativity away, but it does minimise it. However this means i need to go prepared before every social interaction, and many times im still caught out, and am left very uncomfortable.
There are some non-answers you can try. "Oh, what a question! Are you doing okay?" "Heavens, I don't know where that's coming from." "I hope I would never make anyone feel that way."
There are other questions made to put you on a defensive. Someone would ask a question and then give unfavorable answer themselves. For example: "Do you know what narcissism is? Ah, you don't know psychology. Never mind." Since the goal is to make you defensive you can just jokingly agree with them. It makes them angry. But it can be too much effort for no reward. Always consider who is the audience.
Because he would often promise to answer my questions if I answered his. - I always had to go first … it never went well. He would judge my answer as withholding, partially true, or a straight up lie. So I got to the point where I’d simply respond saying “I don’t know what to say… what will make you happy? What do you want to hear? What do you think happened/I did.
Thank you for this helpful video. The saddest part is those who have family members who only communicate via rage fueled accusations cannot in any way escape other than going no contact which is often impossible.
Look at them in the eyes and blink twice and do what Homer does and humming say I don’t know or I dunno. Don't break eye contact and watch their gears start turning a million miles per hour.
I've got two of them in my life who keep asking these gotcha questions. Only have one form of communication with them, - in text form, email, writing. Only talk about the weather unless there is a third independent person present because they will lye about everything. Horrible people, unfortunately also family members. Just keep referring to text messages/emails before. They pretend to forget about discussions if it suits them.
My spouse will make a statement about how I attached them with my words, but luckily I have been recording our conversation (with their knowledge) and was able to pull up the transcript. When I clearly said it was something about his behavior and not directly about him, he changes his tactics to saying being critical of his behavior was attacking his boundaries. Then we had a discussion how what boundaries actually are - and he changed his view point again. Not the same as a gotcha question, but a shifting hurt to keep me on my toes.
My son is the King of false dichotomy. I always say "There are more than two options." He has yet to succeed with this tactic. I'm also great a perceiving when people imply things like "Why do you always...". But at work it can be quite tricky to avoid being labeled a bich.
The response, not an answer but retort, would be "O have never hit my wife. Why are you operating from the perspective people are hitting their spouses?? What wrong thing in you have you not figured out yet?" Then expect expect an answer to both gotcha questions and insist on the answer.
My Dad used to interrogate me. Dad, I'm 5 ! Or 14? Also small children will . Why did you do this and that. Why is the cup here, why did you move it? Why are you sneezing. Ugh! Does this mean I'm grounded? Does this mean you hate all of us?
I recognise now I have been caught with gotcha questions. The advice that if we give a response they are in control and if we respond with considering the situation, we are in control. The gotcha questions also a form of baiting one into a response. If a comment or such has been spoken to me to elicit an inflamed response and no matter the answer , dammed if you do and dammed if you don't, I will say that's your opinion and you are welcome to it. I did this with a sibling with narcissism a strong component. They then repeated it and I gave the same reply. then they did it yet again cranking it up a bit and still I gave the same answer. Not sure if I recall a fourth but they did stop, pulled one of those faces, which had no impact on me as that round i had the upper hand. Nor was I being nasty, I acknowledged they had a point of view and the right to do so. I didn't agree or disagree. They found it frustrating as I hadn't said anything that was unreasonable or that they could pull apart or complain about.
Hello, talking to people who i don't want to talk to can be so energy draining...I would typically don't care enough to think about what they think of me to answer the question I don't have a high need to prove myself to too many people
If someone asks, why are you so stupid? You can answer, because when you communicate with a thick person you have to lower your standards so they understand.
I was having an argument with my suspected narc spent dad about how reading scientific studies isn't a generational difference. I said they did science 50 years ago too and he said "What because you're a scientist?" I don't need to be a fucking scientist to know that!
Transcript available on Patreon www.patreon.com/posts/gotcha-questions-115856191 or Substack darrenfmagee.substack.com/p/gotcha-questions-and-how-to-handle
EVERY QUESTION CAN BE RESPONDED WITH TROLLING
I like the last suggestion ( don't answer) because I have found that it is best not to prolong the nonsense. That's toxic entertainment for them. A good nonresponse is a shoulder shrug.
Took me a LOOOOOOONG time to understand that not every question deserves a response, let alone an answer.
Same.
I always feel the pressure to answer! Darren said it as well at the end "to leave it hanging" but how do you do that without looking like you are giving in / pouting etc?
First rule is to stop caring what people like this think of you. If you keep cool they have nothing. They're looking at causing a reaction. Like a puppeteer, I do this they'll do that. @@Ilvyy
Me too. I was always told to “be nice” but that’s bad advice. Kind yes, but you don’t owe anyone anything. Look at them strangely, change the subject or just ignore them. Gotta go! is a good one. It’s taking me decades to not be so nice and it’s ok to protect yourself from rudeness.
Indeed
My MIL loves to ask "gotcha" questions, so my husband and I discuss before her visit possible questions she could ask and what our responses would be. We are usually spot on with the questions she asks 😂 Narcs really are predictable. Just think about them being a child (that's what their mental state is anyway), and you'll never look at them the same again.
I spent days and evening explaining to someone with obvious BPD. Trapped and relentlessly questioned. The tables could not be turned in any way by asking questions back. It is draining.
“I don’t know” or “I can’t remember” are responses to these stupid questions that works for me.
Spot on Darren. Not every question needs a response. Let the narcissists alone and they will start fighting with each other eventually.
LOL😂
Love this! I have a saying, “don’t take the hot potato someone is trying to hand over.” That’s the falsehood. Main thing is to slow down when this comes up. Don’t take the hot potato! Have lists of ways to slow this down and not participate. Could be a way to buy time, but that’s ok. Main thing is don’t react
When a thought or motivation is imposed on you, immediately retort "I have my own thoughts and feelings and they bear no relation to what you are projecting on to me". End there, turn away. Depart.
Going gray rock worked 😉 he finally admitted that he could no longer trigger me… then just disappeared! It teaches us self control as well as defeats the narcissist because their supply of emotional dysregulation dries up, leaving them in need of another victim to drain of energy
I decided I don’t need to answer a question just because it was asked. They aren’t entitled to an answer just because they want one. Just like if someone knocks on your door it doesn’t mean you have to answer it 😂
I don't answer phone calls from numbers I don't recognize, or aren't in my contacts list
My pat answer: “This is a no-win situation.” Stay calm. Deadpan. Repeat as needed.
I was too gobsmacked with shock at a recent craft meeting to know how to respond, when in a previously cordial conversation, a lady suddenly turned to me and said 'you think im really stupid don't you?'. I looked at another lady who expressed no facial change to show her thoughts and i cant remember what exactly i said, something like 'what makes you think i think you're stupid?', in response she glared at me, and i quickly changed the subject.
I just cant think quickly on the spot, slow witted, and usually just answer with an honest response, explaining myself. Which leaves me feeling judged and drained.
Lately i have been trying to coach myself before going to these groups the Deep method. Don't defend, engage etc. Especially i just don't answer their rude, invasive questions. I just smile, bounce the question back, or shrug. And walk away when i can. It doesnt take all the negativity away, but it does minimise it. However this means i need to go prepared before every social interaction, and many times im still caught out, and am left very uncomfortable.
There are some non-answers you can try. "Oh, what a question! Are you doing okay?" "Heavens, I don't know where that's coming from." "I hope I would never make anyone feel that way."
@tesssmith5548 thanks Tess. Those are good responses. My problem is, I can't think of them on the spot, my brain freezes 😜🙄.
Haha loved your answer at the end
Great video. I wish I listened to this 4yrs ago before my MIL stayed with my husband and I. Thank you for uploading today.
If I ask clarifying questions, I am told I am "lawyering" them or "railroading" or "bullying" :(
What part of going no contact would they not understand?!
There are other questions made to put you on a defensive. Someone would ask a question and then give unfavorable answer themselves. For example: "Do you know what narcissism is? Ah, you don't know psychology. Never mind." Since the goal is to make you defensive you can just jokingly agree with them. It makes them angry. But it can be too much effort for no reward. Always consider who is the audience.
Because he would often promise to answer my questions if I answered his. - I always had to go first … it never went well. He would judge my answer as withholding, partially true, or a straight up lie. So I got to the point where I’d simply respond saying “I don’t know what to say… what will make you happy? What do you want to hear? What do you think happened/I did.
I rewatch this video frequently because I find these tips so useful! Thanks for making this!
Thank you for this helpful video. The saddest part is those who have family members who only communicate via rage fueled accusations cannot in any way escape other than going no contact which is often impossible.
Look at them in the eyes and blink twice and do what Homer does and humming say I don’t know or I dunno. Don't break eye contact and watch their gears start turning a million miles per hour.
Thank you. Something I had not considered were the “questions” . Well explained and I like the fact that you offer some examples of how to handle.
I've got two of them in my life who keep asking these gotcha questions. Only have one form of communication with them, - in text form, email, writing. Only talk about the weather unless there is a third independent person present because they will lye about everything. Horrible people, unfortunately also family members. Just keep referring to text messages/emails before. They pretend to forget about discussions if it suits them.
Your educational videos are the best. Thanks!
Thank you for your kind and generous support, I’m glad you find the content helpful.
They're projectors, just not the projectors of the proper truth
Brilliant for cross examination thankyou
My spouse will make a statement about how I attached them with my words, but luckily I have been recording our conversation (with their knowledge) and was able to pull up the transcript. When I clearly said it was something about his behavior and not directly about him, he changes his tactics to saying being critical of his behavior was attacking his boundaries. Then we had a discussion how what boundaries actually are - and he changed his view point again. Not the same as a gotcha question, but a shifting hurt to keep me on my toes.
Thank you so much. These questions are loathesome.
Im always in a state of fear with questions.
My son is the King of false dichotomy. I always say "There are more than two options." He has yet to succeed with this tactic. I'm also great a perceiving when people imply things like "Why do you always...". But at work it can be quite tricky to avoid being labeled a bich.
"Have you quit beating your wife yet?" Some sort of "question" with no acceptable answer.
I was about to cite the same example.😀
The response, not an answer but retort, would be "O have never hit my wife. Why are you operating from the perspective people are hitting their spouses?? What wrong thing in you have you not figured out yet?" Then expect expect an answer to both gotcha questions and insist on the answer.
Excellent!!!
Lawyers LOVE to do this to people they know are already traumatized. Especially lawyers in the ring.
"How come this is all taking so long..."
My Dad used to interrogate me. Dad, I'm 5 ! Or 14?
Also small children will . Why did you do this and that. Why is the cup here, why did you move it? Why are you sneezing. Ugh!
Does this mean I'm grounded?
Does this mean you hate all of us?
I recognise now I have been caught with gotcha questions. The advice that if we give a response they are in control and if we respond with considering the situation, we are in control. The gotcha questions also a form of baiting one into a response. If a comment or such has been spoken to me to elicit an inflamed response and no matter the answer , dammed if you do and dammed if you don't, I will say that's your opinion and you are welcome to it. I did this with a sibling with narcissism a strong component. They then repeated it and I gave the same reply. then they did it yet again cranking it up a bit and still I gave the same answer. Not sure if I recall a fourth but they did stop, pulled one of those faces, which had no impact on me as that round i had the upper hand. Nor was I being nasty, I acknowledged they had a point of view and the right to do so. I didn't agree or disagree. They found it frustrating as I hadn't said anything that was unreasonable or that they could pull apart or complain about.
I hate when people do gotcha questions to me. I will never answer those.
Thx Darren 😁👍🏻💖
As always ✔️✔️✔️the boxes
💖🙏🏻💖😁
EVERY QUESTION CAN BE RESPONDED WITH TROLLING
Not every question is an actual question (some one expressing curiosity about something or to someone they care about)
Hello,
talking to people who i don't want to talk to can be so energy draining...I would typically don't care enough to think about what they think of me to answer the question I don't have a high need to prove myself to too many people
If someone asks, why are you so stupid? You can answer, because when you communicate with a thick person you have to lower your standards so they understand.
Are you a meteorologist? 😂
I was having an argument with my suspected narc spent dad about how reading scientific studies isn't a generational difference. I said they did science 50 years ago too and he said "What because you're a scientist?" I don't need to be a fucking scientist to know that!
Next time he farts say why'd you fart because you're a fartologist? @Anonymousebean
Thanks 😊
There are some people who you cannot respond to!
Why is psychology not a religion? 😬
Perhaps some might treat it like it is
It is for the secular community. Listen to "if I were the devil" by Paul Harvey.
You have been watching media "interviews", methinks.