I agree with this, I’m too polite and I thought people would see me as nice but they just see me as weak. I need to stop people pleasing too, because people actually respect people pleasers less…learning this slowly but surely
Lol I was raised by a single monther and she tried to raise me just like that. She was genuinely shocked when she saw me interact with others and commented how rude I was. I quickly was able to understand just what she was doing when I was a teen and called her out on that. She didn't like it. Later on, she accepted it though.
I learned politeness being raised by a single mother...it hurt me as a man...amongst men....its almost like there is no politeness..so if you try being polite then that's seen as weakness. But towards women...politeness is good...deprogrammed myself in my 40s...😥
@@mikereiss4216 that's good advice. Trouble is I freeze up and can't think of what to say. It's really annoying. Just gotta keep working at it. My grandfather was razor sharp. If anyone said anything against him he'd verbally light their ass up!
Being polite =/= not being assertive. The best communicators are those that can be polite and respectful, whilst still also advocating for themselves, their values, their goals etc in a direct manner.
Here's some insight for whoever. I used to be passive not quite from being polite or agreeable, but more from an unimaginable amount of patience. And just trust me when I say that it 8/10 it never leads to favorable outcomes. Now I learned that just for the sake of a better outcome and getting what i need, I HAVE to be firm at the time of need with people. I adapted in name of productivity 🙏🏾
I hate that this is true. I used to be too polite around others, but pathetic people see that as invitation for abuse. I am still working on figuring out assertiveness.
@@emmanueluduak5498 wondering that myself you can't be neutral with some without them taking offense so it's not just how you say what you say I think speaking diplomatically works best yet you can't use that to answer mundane simple shit like were is charger and do you know where to drive to. At this point I'm more convinced its just them wanting to be pissed at me then I'm doing anything.
That’s not a bad general rule, but the point of this video is that politeness is a strategic resource, and the amount of politeness you use depends upon the context and your goals.
Today, I learned about the inverse relationship between power and politeness. When I first heard it, my mind initially argued against it, as I believed that being polite isn't a sign of weakness. However, by the end of the video, I was convinced of the connection based on the facts the lecturer provided. Thank you very much sir ❤
I was raised by my mom, as a single mother and a military she always taught me to be polite despite the other people's reciprocity. I don't want to be perceived as weak, but don't want to leave behind what mother taught me
I use politeness as assertiveness. When I say "please" and keep my voice monotone, it roughly translates as: "Please don't force me to take action. I'm not in the mood and you're not worth the power struggle. Do it "
For me, it's a huge hurdle to go from humble/passive doormat to self respecting/ Assertive & I'm often stuck in humble/passive OR...angry/aggressive so there's a lot of work involved in overcoming my early childhood conditioning to be a frightened DOORMAT if confronting BULLY.. but its worth the effort!!! 😂
This changes a lot between UK and US, if you are too direct in the UK you are perceived as rude, in the UK they have other techniques to be assertive and usually involve over-politeness as a power tool. This is very cultural depending.I would say just observe people of power and follow what they do in every situation to learn the cultural context.
Yes, being hyper aggressive is a distinctly American behavioral problem and the reason Americans are perceived as rude and not welcomed in a lot of places I’ve visited abroad. It’s sad that “too polite” is a sign of weakness and a green light to disrespect and devalue others.
Yes, I agree. These American behaviours would not go down too well in the UK. If you tried something like this with a co-worker in the UK if they get pissed and report you, you're toast. You'll be kissing pavement quicker than Barney Rubbles tea towel.
I often get accused of being too nice which annoys me and sometimes I am not taken seriously compared to others. I am ready to assert myself more, I start a new job in 2 weeks and want to start in the best way.
I would caution you about one thing. Some people will not like it when you assert your power. Being direct will sound assertive, and will be interpreted as you asserting your power. It might feel good, but others might be threatened.
I've been on both sides of this fence. With my current knowledge, and humbling myself. I now recognize people who use language in this manner, as arrogant. They, for the most part, lose my respect instead of demanding it. The real solution is to be direct and polite. It takes a certain maturity to be confident, know what you want, and still treat others politely.
@@claudsdeluca certainly! In the same shoes… but never give politeness to the rude . Like currency exchange, treating in the same way! Intuition helps a lot in special occasions
I had a boss who was super polite in showing appreciation and trusting me to choose the right priority level for any assignment and I perceived him to be much more powerful than bosses who were rude, overly blunt, and postured (to make up for low self esteem) I wonder if, when you say, don’t be too polite you mostly mean not to hedge, and not to be cryptic and uncommitted to the request.
I agree with this. I believe a person in command showing respect for others through politeness conveys confidence and overall emotional intelligence. I think he means that being TOO polite, as in, becoming submissive or apologetic, will communicate inferiority. But saying please and thank you, showing appreciation... That's just basic for me.
Assertive is different than being a controlling prideful rude a$$hole. ( Anyone who has ever been through domestic violence, or worked under an abusive employer can be fearful of being direct. )
This video is great. I have a female phone sales staff and one of my agents is very feminine and naturally submissive and polite. This video is a very concise way to explain to her how she needs to come across while on the phone to be more persuasive.
You’re 100 percent correct man! Often people perceive politeness as being weak. I’ve suffered a lot in life and now I’ve taken the assertive way of communication. Good that I’ve come across this video
Being polite doesn’t mean taking shit from others. Being polite isn’t the same as having a weak character. I deal with many people that have this sick mentality and I just have to remind them “POLITELY” that I’m not dealing with their BS. Be a source of light in this effed up world. We all need it. Be polite.
I think it's circumstantial. My family's from the south and raised me as such. I say please, I say thank you. Meanwhile, one of my co workers bosses everyone around at work, except me. He has no authority, just trying to fake it till you make it. Why not me? I am the most respectful person you can meet, until you disrespect me. Then I become blunt and dominate. He made the mistake of trying to tell me what to do just once, and I put him in his place. I wasn't an asshole. But I was assertive. Meanwhile, if I hold the door open for you, and you don't say thank you, I don't assume you're more assertive or dominate than me. I assume you're a disrespectful, anflgty little asshole. If I'm in your way, and you say "move" instead of "excuse me", you're not dominate, you're not assertive, you're an asshole that's about to get put in his place.
If by politeness you mean beating aroumd the bush then I agree. I think speaking in a respectful, calm and neat manner radiates strength, power and selfcontrol.
I think there is no need to demonstrate your power to everyone by not being polite, I'd rather choose a balanced relationship with all around me. However i got the point thank you. Sir
This is communication gold. As a tour guide and teacher working with English speaking people in a non-English speaking country, I can now « read through the lines » ; all the time I have been acting with spotless politeness in case of unexpected troubles, all I have been getting back is « verbal slaps ». I am definitely to keep your advice as priority and will update you with any results.
A lot of people have taken the wrong thing away from these sorts of videos. Being polite is never a bad thing, being a pushover is - they're two different things. I would much rather follow someone polite & powerful then someone just trying to copy 'alpha male' tips and tricks, aka, just trying to be the powerful part. It is very sad that being polite in America & American men is a sign of weakness - the most motivational and moving people in our generation are kind-hearted people, not people who watch videos on TH-cam on how to intimidate and manipulate others. You don't have to be the 'alpha/winner' all the time (you end up coming off as a jackass). Being kind or polite is not a sort of defensive behavior, it shows you're a strong person -- anyone can be mean, not everyone can be genuinely kind. I think in this video emphasizing how you use kindness and politeness as a powerful tool and reinforcing that politeness =/= bad, weak or 'defensive' would have been good (this creates such a toxic world to live in -- we should not see kindness and think 'I can manipulate this person' which is very common in an environment like retail or any workforce) . But this was just a 4 minute video and the speaker said nothing offense and just wants to help people! I'm more so rambling about this sphere of video topic and the people in the comments :sad emoji:
Did you watch the video till the end ? If you want to be near people pleaser you are probably an insecure person. This video simply talks about being assertive and I don't know why you linked it to ‘alpha male’ stuff. Apparently if a woman talks about being in power then people won't say anything. If a man says “women should be polite and not assertive” then he is automatically a misogynist. You would not have even commented if this video was for women. Because a woman can be bossy, assertive etc but a man being assertive is considered as “trying to be alpha”. I have seen feminists saying that men who are intimidated by assertive women see them as bossy. I will the same for you now. You are just a weak person intimidated by assertive man.
Absolutely gold. 10 seconds in and I already knew this video was going to be good. Thanks Bryan for your great work and sharing your skills and knowledge with us!
Wow!!!!!! Thank you for making this video! I had no idea. Being polite was drilled into me since I was a baby, and this has had adverse effects. Now I know something powerful that will help me improve my life.
Thank you so much for posting this video! I definitely have a hard time being assertive towards others because I am afraid of what the outcome will be. Please continue to post more! This video was extra helpful!
Thank you so much! I’ve always had such a problem with my tone and could not understand why I was being perceived the way I was. I didn’t use much deference and always speak monotonously and pretty even; this might come off as powerful, but really it’s more calm for me. I’ve been needing to understand how to change and vary this to show more respect for those older than myself. Eternally grateful!
Thank you for this video.. in my mid 20’s recently got a position being one of the head chefs at a restaurant and growing up being assertive has always been hard for me.. “childhood trauma” it’s no inbetween either I’m too hard or I’m too soft so usually I try to lean more towards non conformational.. but this position NEEDS me to step into my power
This makes so much sense! I grew up being told not to inconvenience people and that I’m pretty much here to serve others. Whenever I speak to anyone I’m overly polite and always apologizing for existing in other people’s presence. I’m 36 and barely learning that I’m a passive communicator and I’m really striving to be an assertive communicator. Gotta switch my whole life up! 😅
Wow!! I wish I’d known this 30years ago when I lived in the US for 6 months. Would have saved me some confusion. Too much verbal deference can be dangerous. In the Australian military we were encouraged to be direct to provide important information to senior sailors and officers. Being indirect is obfuscating and dangerous to informed decision making
I am bowing down to you immediately. If I was with you in person I would be stuck in thinking i must force myself to keep listening to this person and not Say I am really overwhelmed right now...because I am overwhelmed I am not able to say it out loud. Thankfully because this video is about speaking up I am now but still I am struggling to have a voice as yours is so polished and fast sweeping pace. I need peple to speak slowly and they often accuse me of being wrong for asking and somehow they are right as no one has ever asked them to slow down before.
Can I just say I fucking love this video? I’m not from America (but live here now) so I cringe more than anyone when confronted with the walking-on-eggshells, extreme social awkwardness here. I’m not used to it. I’m very forthcoming and upfront, and embellish nothing. You’ll never see me go in circles. My loyalty is always to the truth rather than to social convention, and locals don’t seem to get it. Be cool if more people learned to be authentic and in touch with their root power so I don’t have to be judged for just that.
Power is an illusion. Connection makes the difference Every time. There’s nothing I’m more fond of than a Genuinely Kind Gentleman. Old fashioned? Perhaps. There’s never been any substitute for respect. You give it. You’ll receive it.
Power is an illusion? Ok, go into your boss’s office on Monday, and tell them that you think they’re an idiot, you’re sick of their BS, and you’re going home early. Tell me if you still have a job on Tuesday. We may not like power, but it’s is naive in the extreme to think it doesn’t exist.
@@HowCommunicationWorks What a shocking response from a ‘Professor’! You’re surely entitled to your opinion as we all. Thoughts are better not centered on dominating anyone or anything. Good conscience suffice confidence in Goodness, Peace and breeds Respect. The example of hostility toward a boss in and of itself speaks volumes. Rewarding employees for their ‘Good’ leads to far greater success. Wisdom recognizes your servant is your master.
@@champs-elysees6091 your last sentence is proof that you know there is a master and servant, ie a power dynamic. Even if you want to pretend it doesn’t exist
Your comment reeks of insecurity. If you see a person who is being direct or assertive to you as disrespectful then you are a weak woman. Ironically if a man say that about assertive women then he is a misogynist.
It is almost physically painful for me not to be polite despite other people deferring to me in many fields. Guess that must stem out of some self esteem issues in my case
Thank you very much for this lesson. I came a year ago from North Afrika to study nursing in Germany and I have a very big problem with this piont. Now I know where my problem is.
Politeness is ingrained in me and I find direct assertiveness a real challenge. I hear what you're saying about being mindful and intentionally thinking about being assertive. I typically don't think to do this until after the fact.
I’m not sure about this. I’ve had bosses who were courteous and people (including me) always admired them for their ability to be human. I’ve also had bosses who weren’t courteous or polite, and I did not respect them because they just didn’t seem to care about others. I think there has to be a balance. I understand that being too polite could be perceived as weakness, but isn’t it possible to be courteously assertive?
I think you’re talking about 2 different kinds of people. I bet the courteous bosses treated you with respect, and the other kind of bosses spoke to you in a disrespectful, demeaning, and rude way.
I respect and perform the highest under a servant leader. The kind of leader who examples what they want to see from employees like honesty, humility, hard work, team work and allowing team members to share ideas for problem solving. Direct is ok, but I will not thrive or stay under a soul sucking, narcissistic dictatorship.
If you must show politeness, do it in an assertive way. Meaning being polite directly. If you have to nod, nod once and be done with it. It shows power to be respectful. Find balance between being respectful and being too polite.
It's just a yank thing. I wouldn't worry about it. Look at what these tw4ts have done in Iraq, Syria etc etc. Stay polite and humble and stay classy like a upper class Brit as opposed to a typical obnoxious loud mouthed American.
Hello Sir, Thank you so much for your video!! I appreciate the time that you took to create it, and even included word text for your audience to conveniently read. I am currently building myself as an assertive person. For far too long I have been seen as "too nice"/ "too sweet". I do not wish to be stepped on, nor to come off as rude, yet be deliver my words, actions with assertiveness.
My father is someone who yelled at me endlessly for no reason (mainly because he was a weak man when dealing with other men). This made me a total pushover in adult life, to the extent of being scammed and ripped off often.
Makes sense to me. You don’t want to be a pushover in dealing with others. Yes men are not respected by others. Presenting yourself with surety and confidence is very important. The way people perceive you, will determine how they treat you. That being said, people need to know that you care for them. This is a difficult balance. I am still working on the second part of this equation.
I was in the military for some years. Superiors without ego issues saw no problem with me being blunt and direct with them. Never rude, mind you - but never more polite than what I needed to be. Will definitely have your words in mind, by the way. I think I'm still too polite and I'm trying to be a bit more disagreeable. Thanks for sharing your knowledge.
I think you’re right, but when someone is not polite to me I have a habit of avoiding them at all costs. When people are assertive with me, I appreciate it, but I still prefer to communicate with the polite person. I had this experience when looking into realty.
The reality is that if you stop being polite even where you need to be assertive , the powerful people will not tolerate the assertive behaviour of yours and keep in their mind and then mentally play games with you so it depends who are people you communicating with , the situation the surrounding , and sometimes showing yourself as stupid is beneficial in front of people who are currently at power but that does not mean to be portraying stupid in every situation
I used to work with groups of prisoners, and one of the skills we taught was assertiveness. I realised how poor my own skills were. Learned a lot, but one of the prisoners asked, "what if they don't know the rules?". Thought that was funny, but since then, realise how many don't. Im probably perceived as bossy now. Just say it.
My problem is when I am assertive indirect people become very submissive to me and I hate when people are submissive and don't have their own minds or they become intimidated in get offended or feel like they need to
Be polite with your words, but your energy should clearly indicate your assertive intentions. I hope 🤞 this will help you to harmonize between the two 😊
I find that being a large muscular man helps in persuading others. I am usually incredibly polite most of the time, especially when I had less muscle mass. People would walk all over me when I was younger because I was polite and not fit. Then I started exercising and now people are a lot nicer. So when I'm firm, I am backed up with my large statue and people tend to respect that. Just my observations.
Though I recognize the importance of this information and will use it going forward, it’s a damn shame we can’t just be genuinely polite to others. I really am just a polite person and I try to show respect to other people. But when you see that it is not reciprocated it is just deflating. I’m learning it’s just a matter of how we are all raised and our perception of the way people act towards us will differ accordingly. Just have to find the right balance between assertiveness and politeness
I just had to be more direct at work today. I am a manager in the area , no ,my area at work. I was still professional, thank God. 😂 I'm just really over people playing around on their phones. We don't get much done because of this. I'm learning to be more assertive. They assumed that my kindness was a weakness and that I didn't care but I do.
Don’t divide everything into small pieces, first have good diet, regular exercise, daily working out towards goals with discipline and many other elements matter to become confident in life, if you strengthen the basics then you will definitely become what you really want.
well, when someone shows a lack of politeness with me it reads weak and insecure.. politeness is a sign of intelligence and strength and self awareness. but measured of course.. deference isn’t polite, it’s a sign of lack of confidence. just my perspective.
to the one reading this, the worst you can do to yourself is learn social skills online. Go out there and suffer and learn from it. You'll never forget and get better.
This content is really top-notch. A similar book I perused had a groundbreaking impact on me. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn
I agree with this, I’m too polite and I thought people would see me as nice but they just see me as weak. I need to stop people pleasing too, because people actually respect people pleasers less…learning this slowly but surely
I am the same way!
Sing it, sister!
Lol I was raised by a single monther and she tried to raise me just like that. She was genuinely shocked when she saw me interact with others and commented how rude I was. I quickly was able to understand just what she was doing when I was a teen and called her out on that. She didn't like it. Later on, she accepted it though.
I learned politeness being raised by a single mother...it hurt me as a man...amongst men....its almost like there is no politeness..so if you try being polite then that's seen as weakness. But towards women...politeness is good...deprogrammed myself in my 40s...😥
I was once like that too. Single mom too.
I am I the process of reprogramming myself, I'm 40 and am too polite. People are walking all over me. I've had enough
No, being too polite towards women is not good (unless they are total strangers).
@@thedentistbakery2010 Same here. Just ask people why they are being so rude. Make them explain themselves. That will help put you back in control.
@@mikereiss4216 that's good advice. Trouble is I freeze up and can't think of what to say. It's really annoying. Just gotta keep working at it. My grandfather was razor sharp. If anyone said anything against him he'd verbally light their ass up!
Being polite =/= not being assertive.
The best communicators are those that can be polite and respectful, whilst still also advocating for themselves, their values, their goals etc in a direct manner.
Here's some insight for whoever. I used to be passive not quite from being polite or agreeable, but more from an unimaginable amount of patience. And just trust me when I say that it 8/10 it never leads to favorable outcomes. Now I learned that just for the sake of a better outcome and getting what i need, I HAVE to be firm at the time of need with people.
I adapted in name of productivity 🙏🏾
Thank you for your comment! It's very helpful.
I hate that this is true. I used to be too polite around others, but pathetic people see that as invitation for abuse. I am still working on figuring out assertiveness.
yeah bro the politness and the good is perceived not attractive to most girls and is perceived as weakness to the bad people
it's really hard to be assertive without being rude, especially when the other person makes you angry, to not act from that anger
Yes, there’s a fine line between directness and rudeness.
@@HowCommunicationWorks facts
@@HowCommunicationWorks thought you'd go on to say what the line is?..
@@HowCommunicationWorks what's the line?
@@emmanueluduak5498 wondering that myself you can't be neutral with some without them taking offense so it's not just how you say what you say I think speaking diplomatically works best yet you can't use that to answer mundane simple shit like were is charger and do you know where to drive to. At this point I'm more convinced its just them wanting to be pissed at me then I'm doing anything.
Be polite or give respect to everyone but don't be too polite or give too much respect to anyone .
That’s not a bad general rule, but the point of this video is that politeness is a strategic resource, and the amount of politeness you use depends upon the context and your goals.
@@HowCommunicationWorks Very well said! Thank you.
I just became a police officer and i got a big wake up call. This is a helpful video
congrats on the new job 🎉
Today, I learned about the inverse relationship between power and politeness. When I first heard it, my mind initially argued against it, as I believed that being polite isn't a sign of weakness. However, by the end of the video, I was convinced of the connection based on the facts the lecturer provided. Thank you very much sir ❤
I was raised by my mom, as a single mother and a military she always taught me to be polite despite the other people's reciprocity. I don't want to be perceived as weak, but don't want to leave behind what mother taught me
♥️Brother ,The right path never fails, respect to your mum, she did the right thing♥️
Back then it was good but now such people r increasingly rare , may end in despair
I use politeness as assertiveness.
When I say "please" and keep my voice monotone, it roughly translates as:
"Please don't force me to take action. I'm not in the mood and you're not worth the power struggle. Do it "
Wonderful aquírred, skill.
For me, it's a huge hurdle to go from humble/passive doormat to self respecting/ Assertive & I'm often stuck in humble/passive OR...angry/aggressive so there's a lot of work involved in overcoming my early childhood conditioning to be a frightened DOORMAT if confronting BULLY..
but its worth the effort!!! 😂
This changes a lot between UK and US, if you are too direct in the UK you are perceived as rude, in the UK they have other techniques to be assertive and usually involve over-politeness as a power tool. This is very cultural depending.I would say just observe people of power and follow what they do in every situation to learn the cultural context.
Yes, being hyper aggressive is a distinctly American behavioral problem and the reason Americans are perceived as rude and not welcomed in a lot of places I’ve visited abroad. It’s sad that “too polite” is a sign of weakness and a green light to disrespect and devalue others.
Yes, I agree. These American behaviours would not go down too well in the UK. If you tried something like this with a co-worker in the UK if they get pissed and report you, you're toast. You'll be kissing pavement quicker than Barney Rubbles tea towel.
I often get accused of being too nice which annoys me and sometimes I am not taken seriously compared to others. I am ready to assert myself more, I start a new job in 2 weeks and want to start in the best way.
I would caution you about one thing. Some people will not like it when you assert your power. Being direct will sound assertive, and will be interpreted as you asserting your power. It might feel good, but others might be threatened.
Same me. I need to be more firm, especially in the office with colleagues. All the best with your new job 🎉
Better to be assertive then
I've been on both sides of this fence. With my current knowledge, and humbling myself. I now recognize people who use language in this manner, as arrogant. They, for the most part, lose my respect instead of demanding it. The real solution is to be direct and polite. It takes a certain maturity to be confident, know what you want, and still treat others politely.
@@claudsdeluca certainly! In the same shoes… but never give politeness to the rude . Like currency exchange, treating in the same way! Intuition helps a lot in special occasions
I had a boss who was super polite in showing appreciation and trusting me to choose the right priority level for any assignment and I perceived him to be much more powerful than bosses who were rude, overly blunt, and postured (to make up for low self esteem) I wonder if, when you say, don’t be too polite you mostly mean not to hedge, and not to be cryptic and uncommitted to the request.
Wax on, Wax off.
I agree with this. I believe a person in command showing respect for others through politeness conveys confidence and overall emotional intelligence. I think he means that being TOO polite, as in, becoming submissive or apologetic, will communicate inferiority. But saying please and thank you, showing appreciation... That's just basic for me.
Assertive is different than being a controlling prideful rude a$$hole. ( Anyone who has ever been through domestic violence, or worked under an abusive employer can be fearful of being direct. )
Maybe you are insecure.
True authority is polite, because it is secure.
This video is great. I have a female phone sales staff and one of my agents is very feminine and naturally submissive and polite. This video is a very concise way to explain to her how she needs to come across while on the phone to be more persuasive.
So glad it was helpful.
How did it go?
You’re 100 percent correct man! Often people perceive politeness as being weak. I’ve suffered a lot in life and now I’ve taken the assertive way of communication. Good that I’ve come across this video
👏🎉
How are you doing now? I'm in the same situation
Please continue being polite people.
It goes a long way in any businesses and social interactions
Can be outside, but not inside That’s all this video is about…🎉
@@ranisrikumar5735 be genuine. Principles above personalities. I own a modest business chain.
Being polite doesn’t mean taking shit from others. Being polite isn’t the same as having a weak character.
I deal with many people that have this sick mentality and I just have to remind them “POLITELY” that I’m not dealing with their BS.
Be a source of light in this effed up world. We all need it. Be polite.
I think it's circumstantial. My family's from the south and raised me as such. I say please, I say thank you.
Meanwhile, one of my co workers bosses everyone around at work, except me. He has no authority, just trying to fake it till you make it. Why not me? I am the most respectful person you can meet, until you disrespect me. Then I become blunt and dominate. He made the mistake of trying to tell me what to do just once, and I put him in his place. I wasn't an asshole. But I was assertive.
Meanwhile, if I hold the door open for you, and you don't say thank you, I don't assume you're more assertive or dominate than me. I assume you're a disrespectful, anflgty little asshole. If I'm in your way, and you say "move" instead of "excuse me", you're not dominate, you're not assertive, you're an asshole that's about to get put in his place.
Love me a true Southern gentleman.
@@donger9394 👏🎉
If by politeness you mean beating aroumd the bush then I agree.
I think speaking in a respectful, calm and neat manner radiates strength, power and selfcontrol.
I think there is no need to demonstrate your power to everyone by not being polite, I'd rather choose a balanced relationship with all around me. However i got the point thank you. Sir
This is communication gold. As a tour guide and teacher working with English speaking people in a non-English speaking country, I can now « read through the lines » ; all the time I have been acting with spotless politeness in case of unexpected troubles, all I have been getting back is « verbal slaps ». I am definitely to keep your advice as priority and will update you with any results.
A lot of people have taken the wrong thing away from these sorts of videos.
Being polite is never a bad thing, being a pushover is - they're two different things. I would much rather follow someone polite & powerful then someone just trying to copy 'alpha male' tips and tricks, aka, just trying to be the powerful part.
It is very sad that being polite in America & American men is a sign of weakness - the most motivational and moving people in our generation are kind-hearted people, not people who watch videos on TH-cam on how to intimidate and manipulate others. You don't have to be the 'alpha/winner' all the time (you end up coming off as a jackass). Being kind or polite is not a sort of defensive behavior, it shows you're a strong person -- anyone can be mean, not everyone can be genuinely kind.
I think in this video emphasizing how you use kindness and politeness as a powerful tool and reinforcing that politeness =/= bad, weak or 'defensive' would have been good (this creates such a toxic world to live in -- we should not see kindness and think 'I can manipulate this person' which is very common in an environment like retail or any workforce) . But this was just a 4 minute video and the speaker said nothing offense and just wants to help people! I'm more so rambling about this sphere of video topic and the people in the comments :sad emoji:
Did you watch the video till the end ? If you want to be near people pleaser you are probably an insecure person.
This video simply talks about being assertive and I don't know why you linked it to ‘alpha male’ stuff.
Apparently if a woman talks about being in power then people won't say anything.
If a man says “women should be polite and not assertive” then he is automatically a misogynist.
You would not have even commented if this video was for women.
Because a woman can be bossy, assertive etc but a man being assertive is considered as “trying to be alpha”.
I have seen feminists saying that men who are intimidated by assertive women see them as bossy.
I will the same for you now. You are just a weak person intimidated by assertive man.
Absolutely gold. 10 seconds in and I already knew this video was going to be good. Thanks Bryan for your great work and sharing your skills and knowledge with us!
Wow!!!!!! Thank you for making this video! I had no idea. Being polite was drilled into me since I was a baby, and this has had adverse effects. Now I know something powerful that will help me improve my life.
I been more assertive at work in the last few years , people appreciate that
Examples please
You literally just fix about 99 on my problem thank you !
Thank you so much for posting this video! I definitely have a hard time being assertive towards others because I am afraid of what the outcome will be. Please continue to post more! This video was extra helpful!
Thank you. I will. Being assertive does have consequences. Not everyone will welcome your assertion of power.
Thank you so much!
I’ve always had such a problem with my tone and could not understand why I was being perceived the way I was. I didn’t use much deference and always speak monotonously and pretty even; this might come off as powerful, but really it’s more calm for me.
I’ve been needing to understand how to change and vary this to show more respect for those older than myself. Eternally grateful!
Thank you for this video.. in my mid 20’s recently got a position being one of the head chefs at a restaurant and growing up being assertive has always been hard for me.. “childhood trauma” it’s no inbetween either I’m too hard or I’m too soft so usually I try to lean more towards non conformational.. but this position NEEDS me to step into my power
*nonconfrontational
This makes so much sense! I grew up being told not to inconvenience people and that I’m pretty much here to serve others. Whenever I speak to anyone I’m overly polite and always apologizing for existing in other people’s presence. I’m 36 and barely learning that I’m a passive communicator and I’m really striving to be an assertive communicator. Gotta switch my whole life up! 😅
Wow!! I wish I’d known this 30years ago when I lived in the US for 6 months. Would have saved me some confusion. Too much verbal deference can be dangerous. In the Australian military we were encouraged to be direct to provide important information to senior sailors and officers. Being indirect is obfuscating and dangerous to informed decision making
can't believe I missed this great advice for 6 years. Keep up 👍
Yes! Set healthy boundaries with people. You teach people how to treat you.
@@sarahf.s.2961 🎉🙏
The amount of people in the comments who link this to not having a father during childhood is insane. Shows you how important fathers are ❤
Hopefully father's are reading this.
The more I try to be polite to the rude people at work the more rude they become. You have to stand up for yourself so you wouldn't become a doormat
True...and make sure you don't sink to the level of rude.
Yup, stand up for yourself is the best, no matter what the situation is . Basically polite people can manage different opinions
This is hugely helpful! I defer to my detriment frequently! Your video has shown me where I go wrong. Thank you for this.
I am bowing down to you immediately. If I was with you in person I would be stuck in thinking i must force myself to keep listening to this person and not Say I am really overwhelmed right now...because I am overwhelmed I am not able to say it out loud. Thankfully because this video is about speaking up I am now but still I am struggling to have a voice as yours is so polished and fast sweeping pace. I need peple to speak slowly and they often accuse me of being wrong for asking and somehow they are right as no one has ever asked them to slow down before.
Can I just say I fucking love this video? I’m not from America (but live here now) so I cringe more than anyone when confronted with the walking-on-eggshells, extreme social awkwardness here. I’m not used to it. I’m very forthcoming and upfront, and embellish nothing. You’ll never see me go in circles. My loyalty is always to the truth rather than to social convention, and locals don’t seem to get it. Be cool if more people learned to be authentic and in touch with their root power so I don’t have to be judged for just that.
Power is an illusion.
Connection makes the difference Every time.
There’s nothing I’m more fond of than a Genuinely Kind Gentleman.
Old fashioned? Perhaps.
There’s never been any substitute for respect.
You give it.
You’ll receive it.
Power is an illusion? Ok, go into your boss’s office on Monday, and tell them that you think they’re an idiot, you’re sick of their BS, and you’re going home early. Tell me if you still have a job on Tuesday. We may not like power, but it’s is naive in the extreme to think it doesn’t exist.
@@HowCommunicationWorks
What a shocking response from a ‘Professor’! You’re surely entitled to your opinion as we all.
Thoughts are better not centered on dominating anyone or anything.
Good conscience suffice confidence in Goodness, Peace and breeds Respect.
The example of hostility toward a boss in and of itself speaks volumes.
Rewarding employees for their ‘Good’ leads to far greater success. Wisdom recognizes your servant is your master.
@@champs-elysees6091 your last sentence is proof that you know there is a master and servant, ie a power dynamic. Even if you want to pretend it doesn’t exist
Well being a nice man is good but if you are so nice to everyone that you became a tool for everybody to pass around and play then you are in trouble.
Your comment reeks of insecurity.
If you see a person who is being direct or assertive to you as disrespectful then you are a weak woman.
Ironically if a man say that about assertive women then he is a misogynist.
It is almost physically painful for me not to be polite despite other people deferring to me in many fields. Guess that must stem out of some self esteem issues in my case
Thank you very much for this lesson. I came a year ago from North Afrika to study nursing in Germany and I have a very big problem with this piont. Now I know where my problem is.
Thank you, it was an eye- opener 👍
Politeness is ingrained in me and I find direct assertiveness a real challenge. I hear what you're saying about being mindful and intentionally thinking about being assertive. I typically don't think to do this until after the fact.
Perfect! You helped me a lot more with this short video than my therapist in years lol
Thank you so much sir for your help.
Thank you where clear and direct I understanded what you said
Glad it helped
I'm working in the Corrections. I will use your advice. Thank you
I’m not sure about this. I’ve had bosses who were courteous and people (including me) always admired them for their ability to be human. I’ve also had bosses who weren’t courteous or polite, and I did not respect them because they just didn’t seem to care about others. I think there has to be a balance. I understand that being too polite could be perceived as weakness, but isn’t it possible to be courteously assertive?
I think you’re talking about 2 different kinds of people. I bet the courteous bosses treated you with respect, and the other kind of bosses spoke to you in a disrespectful, demeaning, and rude way.
I respect and perform the highest under a servant leader. The kind of leader who examples what they want to see from employees like honesty, humility, hard work, team work and allowing team members to share ideas for problem solving. Direct is ok, but I will not thrive or stay under a soul sucking, narcissistic dictatorship.
If you must show politeness, do it in an assertive way. Meaning being polite directly. If you have to nod, nod once and be done with it.
It shows power to be respectful. Find balance between being respectful and being too polite.
It's just a yank thing. I wouldn't worry about it. Look at what these tw4ts have done in Iraq, Syria etc etc. Stay polite and humble and stay classy like a upper class Brit as opposed to a typical obnoxious loud mouthed American.
I totally agree with you, there’s got to be a balance
this is what i like about youtube. You can have a powerful advice like this for free.
Hello Sir,
Thank you so much for your video!! I appreciate the time that you took to create it, and even included word text for your audience to conveniently read.
I am currently building myself as an assertive person. For far too long I have been seen as "too nice"/ "too sweet". I do not wish to be stepped on, nor to come off as rude, yet be deliver my words, actions with assertiveness.
My father is someone who yelled at me endlessly for no reason (mainly because he was a weak man when dealing with other men). This made me a total pushover in adult life, to the extent of being scammed and ripped off often.
I’m sorry to hear this
This information was paradigm shifting!!! You did an excellent job teaching this. Thanks for sharing! Definitely create another one like it.
I wish we could see some hypothetical examples. That would be very helpful.
That's a great insight I never really thought about,I am supervising a big team, but I am very polite.
Makes sense to me. You don’t want to be a pushover in dealing with others. Yes men are not respected by others. Presenting yourself with surety and confidence is very important. The way people perceive you, will determine how they treat you.
That being said, people need to know that you care for them. This is a difficult balance. I am still working on the second part of this equation.
Great video man. I struggled with this a long time.
I was in the military for some years.
Superiors without ego issues saw no problem with me being blunt and direct with them. Never rude, mind you - but never more polite than what I needed to be.
Will definitely have your words in mind, by the way. I think I'm still too polite and I'm trying to be a bit more disagreeable. Thanks for sharing your knowledge.
Very insightful, thank you for this. I have learnt to the differences between politeness and difference.
Thanks so much, i really needed this for so long.
I think you’re right, but when someone is not polite to me I have a habit of avoiding them at all costs. When people are assertive with me, I appreciate it, but I still prefer to communicate with the polite person. I had this experience when looking into realty.
You can be both assertive and yet not rude
Going to do this! I think I will save some valuable time and not keep explaining or apologizing.
Nice piece of Information
Thank you! 🙏🏽
The reality is that if you stop being polite even where you need to be assertive , the powerful people will not tolerate the assertive behaviour of yours and keep in their mind and then mentally play games with you so it depends who are people you communicating with , the situation the surrounding , and sometimes showing yourself as stupid is beneficial in front of people who are currently at power but that does not mean to be portraying stupid in every situation
This is so relatable and useful
Why did not i see this before, this would have saved me so much of my time . Nonetheless, der aye drust aye
Great advice! Thanks! 🌼
I used to work with groups of prisoners, and one of the skills we taught was assertiveness. I realised how poor my own skills were. Learned a lot, but one of the prisoners asked, "what if they don't know the rules?". Thought that was funny, but since then, realise how many don't. Im probably perceived as bossy now. Just say it.
Great video. More like this
My problem is when I am assertive indirect people become very submissive to me and I hate when people are submissive and don't have their own minds or they become intimidated in get offended or feel like they need to
The social world is complicated. It’s an intricate dance.
I would have loved some examples for better clarity.
Now that's why i add "MF" at the end of my each sentence, and it works wonder. ‼️
So true, good job honestly.
Dont be polite and be direct..
You have to know where to be polite and where to be assertive
Amazing learnings
Thank you 🤗
I'm so polite I fake smiles and avoid eye contact as a way to avoid neglection
This explains A Lot about my life.
Thank you. It's a great help to me.
Brilliant video. I needed this. Thank you so very much
Glad you liked it. Happy to be of service
Power respects power
Good reminder.
Be polite with your words, but your energy should clearly indicate your assertive intentions. I hope 🤞 this will help you to harmonize between the two 😊
I find that being a large muscular man helps in persuading others. I am usually incredibly polite most of the time, especially when I had less muscle mass. People would walk all over me when I was younger because I was polite and not fit. Then I started exercising and now people are a lot nicer. So when I'm firm, I am backed up with my large statue and people tend to respect that. Just my observations.
I find this really helpful.
Subscribed
Though I recognize the importance of this information and will use it going forward, it’s a damn shame we can’t just be genuinely polite to others.
I really am just a polite person and I try to show respect to other people. But when you see that it is not reciprocated it is just deflating.
I’m learning it’s just a matter of how we are all raised and our perception of the way people act towards us will differ accordingly. Just have to find the right balance between assertiveness and politeness
There is a way to be direct and polite at the same time. I agree with you.
I just had to be more direct at work today. I am a manager in the area , no ,my area at work.
I was still professional, thank God. 😂
I'm just really over people playing around on their phones. We don't get much done because of this. I'm learning to be more assertive.
They assumed that my kindness was a weakness and that I didn't care but I do.
This was very helpful thank you
You cam be assertive and yet polite
explained beautifully clear thanks
I've been able to maintain a job longer when I am blunt with my superiors
Don’t divide everything into small pieces, first have good diet, regular exercise, daily working out towards goals with discipline and many other elements matter to become confident in life, if you strengthen the basics then you will definitely become what you really want.
well, when someone shows a lack of politeness with me it reads weak and insecure.. politeness is a sign of intelligence and strength and self awareness. but measured of course.. deference isn’t polite, it’s a sign of lack of confidence. just my perspective.
to the one reading this, the worst you can do to yourself is learn social skills online. Go out there and suffer and learn from it. You'll never forget and get better.
Some examples of do's and don'ts would be helpful to further drive ur point. Thanks for the info
I liked this video.
This content is really top-notch. A similar book I perused had a groundbreaking impact on me. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn
I should check that out.
this was so simple but effective