The scapegoat is the child that makes displays for connectiveness that the other family members cannot bring themselves to. The scapegoat is the person they might very well wish they could be, but cannot. & so all manner of things arise: persecution. Jealousy. Envy. Hate.
@@casecunnings693He’s a self proclaimed Narcissistic Psychopath. His childhood story is as horrific as mine, the difference is I’m an empath/scapegoat.
This is how my brother ended up an alcoholic, drug addict and commit suicide after 30 years of narcissistic abuse via the golden child. May he RIP, it's the saddest thing in my life.
I was abused by my golden child sister and ended up an alcoholic. I left home at 15, had a hard life, my family had little to do with me but luckily I got sober when I was 39 and have been sober now 16 years. The golden child is now house bound, had to quit her high paying job and lives everyday in her guilt of how she treated me, if I hadn't gone to AA I would of died. I'm sorry your brother passed away, sending you love from Australia. ❤
All through growing up, there were signs of something not being right with both my narc parents and of the family as a whole, but I couldn’t put my finger on just what it was. This video pretty laid it all out for me as to the nature of these families like my own, and all the toxicity bred from them. These parents weren’t “parents” but pretenders calling themselves as such, using and abusing the people they bring into the world for their own gain. My only regret was that I didn’t discover this earlier, as I could have made certain life decisions earlier- it would saved me from years of abuse and manipulation from those calling themselves as my “parents”.
Many people can relate to your comment. This is the case for multitudes. So many people have shared with me their family (if you could call that family) abuse and neglect. The only option is no contact. That's very difficult for children. All one can do is exclude them from our lives.
For 45 years I thought my family was close and cared for each other. The lie is soul crushing. Family 1st, honor your parents except your father. I repeated the cycle with my own. I hate lying so oh well. I’m a lone wolf and I ❤my peace.
Thank you for this. Possibly the best description ever of the family I grew up in. I was subjected to emotional and psychological abuse, scapegoating, denial and gaslighting. Later in life I was gang bullied/ mobbed by siblings. I am completely estranged for my own survival. It’s a miracle I am alive, the sibs are all mentally ill and drug and alcohol addicted.
2nd generation scapegoat here... my mother & brother have recruited my two children who although have also been treated shaibbily by them also blame me for everything whilst excluding me. I got to meet & spend nearly 18months with my grandkids but have now been rejected again as I told a hard hitting truth. My heart is actually broken😢
I was an only child in a very disfuncional family and my parents were both narcissist, so sometimes I was put in the role of the golden child and sometimes in the role of the scapegoat. Bingo, I really won everything.
You summed up my family perfectly. I always felt my sister was fake, putting on an act of perfection to please my parents. When my Mum passed away, my Dad sided totally with her and they immediately set about bullying me as the scapegoat. I refused to accept the way my Dad was being manipulated (financially ofcourse) and was punished for telling the truth about his fragile physical and mental state. This was viewed as a complete betrayal of the Family... I always felt there was more to it, other secrets being hidden and protected etc, but I doubt I will ever know the real truth about what went on.
6:28 "The family homeostasis is THREATENED by honesty. When 1 family member is honest, the King is Naked." Emperor's New Clothes 😮 This threatens the balance of this kind of family. 😢
I’m so very grateful Professor Vaknin. is bringing awareness about the toxicities that exist in some family dynamics. Being a scapegoat can result in a Hellish existence on this planet.
Yep. I agree with the last sentence. Unfortunately, once you uncover the secrets and lies and this gets out to the wrong people, there is no going back.
Hello, Professor Vaknin. That is my family of origin. Just so you have an idea, in your video " Get Rid of Your Sick Family", mine scored 12 out of 13...🙃 I walked away in november last year, had one of the harder years of my life, grieving, completely no contact with my passive agressive mother and my three brothers. Your videos have been helping me a lot during this year. Thank you 🇧🇷
I have the same situation. Also I am in no contact with my discarded BPD ex for 7 months. Its a deep pain which I can not compare with any pains. But I know that, this pain will become my strenght in time. Thanks to Prof. Sam, enlights us about these and wish all my best to all other people suffering these..😢
Thanks for this video Professor Sam. It’s a sensitive topic, I realized it few years ago, I haven’t felt seen by my mother. You’re right it’s a cult. I moved country. I cannot change them and accepted it. Have learned so much from your videos about situations I didn’t understood.
Another escape goat here. My scars are sufficient enough to remember how hard things were and have empathy for others, but after 23 years I feel blessed, happy and understand my journey.
@@PlanetMeathead it’s better to make peace with yourself and the absurd fate that has befallen you. Then you can live a serene life. The more you push, the more you find yourself in the same situations you are trying to escape. However, when you are born in a sh*tty family, you should been told to do therapy as soon as possible, as soon as you have a little money to use for your mental health: that’s the only right path.
@@PlanetMeathead I don't know what we're trying to win here. I think I'll stick to giving up on trying to find any value to a relationship with these people. The most hurtful and damaging part of dealing with them is that their expectation of the relationship is that you become their tool while you are just trying to be closer to them. When you try to help them realize that they are missing out on the real value of a close relationship, they can't comprehend this and instead exploit your efforts to benefit themselves. In their minds they fool themselves into believing they have proven themselves superior by getting someone to do their bidding. In actuality, they are pitied, their insecurities exposed, and they destroy what little of a relationship that may remain with the foolish family member who believes they must never give up on family.
I'm stunned there are no comments, not surprised, as this topic is mindfully, deeply alarming, and attacks the core of your heart, mind and soul collectively. Pandora's box, combining overt, and insidious.
I love that he referenced Rebecca as well. She deserves so much recognition and I am personally so grateful for her work, which, as an FSA survivor, has been incredibly helpful and validating.
I just had enough last summer. They do not have me for a human being. No more, I was rejected when I was born and until now blamed for everything possible. Narcisistic den. Unfortunatelly it is coming from previous generation, they dont even know what they do. The worst enemies ever. Thank you profesor Sam.
I would say that scapegoats become later one of the mentally toughest people to exist… but for those who are extremely traumatized will ofc become cluster b
As a scapegoat myself, I agree. I've had no choice but to be mentally and emotionally resilient...however, due to all the trauma I've endured, I've developed a few narcissistic traits or 'narcissistic fleas.' Thankfully I am very empathic, which has kept me from veering into cluster b territory...
Thank you SO much for this brilliant expose of the conundrum of the family scapegoat who is systematically targeted by every single member of the narcissistically abusive family, and made to feel crazy for their vastly different perception of reality. Thank you also for creating a new playlist “family dynamics”. 😊.
This was my experience as the abused as you have described. The abuser demanded that I give up something and brought the family together to convince me. The request involved giving up my last pleasure in life after giving up everything else including myself after four decades of abuse. I was even “diagnosed” as someone with autism to explain being very withdrawn. I could not give up this pleasure. Let’s say it was a hobby as an example. It was something far more precious to me. There was nothing wrong with it. I could not accept this request. Consequently, the abuser left and filed for divorce after I accused the abuser of having NPD. Three years later, after hard work, I am slowly recovering. Your videos have made my recovery faster.
Thank you! I would have never allowed myself to admit the truth if it wasn’t for these videos and a few other professionals. I always thought it was me. Upside is I’m self aware, downside I’m having trouble getting rid of the bad memories .
thank you very much. I have been this scapegoat and been kicked out of the family for about 10 years. Of course my departure would be presented as if it had been my decision. The highly narcissistic and psychopathic members of this family have even announced to me that they plan to kick me out of the family. My one sister said I'll never see you again and that I'll live two years before I get kicked out. The other sister told me in private, with a smile and cunning, what an idea it would be if one of the sisters left forever... I had no idea what they were both talking about and my mother, the psychopath ordered and carried out the whole drama
Even the golden child is abused in a sense, especially when they are obligated to be the model the parents want them to be. They kind of have to be an extension of the parents. It’s like a prison. The excess of attention, expectations, protection and spoiling is also a kind of abuse (as stated by Sam in another video). They become a tool to inflict pain to the other children. And as a result, the golden child can be isolated despite themselves and disliked by its siblings for a long long time.
This is such a great video. I am so glad that you are addressing this topic which is the root of narcissism. I have been a Scapegoat for my entire life and as I heal and Recover, I have been learning about FSA and its implications towards me. You are absolutely correct - being in a toxic, negative environment has had its affects on me. The best way is to go no contact and to cut off all ties with every single one of my family members with no one as an exception. I now understand where my childhood trauma comes from and why I tend to attract assholes in my life. But not anymore. I can see the signs clearly now and have shielded myself and thankfully my Higher Power has protected me from such harmful people. I now surround myself with people who love. support and appreciate me. Thank you for this video and I am looking forward to watching more of your videos on this subject matter.
This is my family 100%. I've walked away a few times. I think this time it's for good. I feel better than I have ever in my life. I'm more clear-headed and I use videos like yours to remind myself exactly where I was and exactly where I don't ever want to be again. Thank you for sharing. I wish I could say it in 20 minutes LOL
Thank you for this video! I was going to ask you if you wouldn't mind please creating a video on narcissistic siblings, in childhood and adulthood. You must have read my mind! Thank you for everything that you deliver on this channel, I appreciate it all. Truly.
I have three children. Two boys and the middle one is a girl. I never understood why my husband is so angry with my oldest son. Out of three, the older one is spitting image of my husband. So he cannot say this child is not mine. He would call him names, belittle him tell him he is stupid. He would refer to him, "you know who" or someone" or "somebody". For example he would say, "somebody left his shoes in the middle of the entrance", "somebody threw too much toilet papers and blocked the toilet", "somebody left the door open" and so on and so forth, always criticising blaming. Never the other two were blamed. Basically in my husband's eyes, my son could do nothing right. Usually they say, when one parent discipline the child, the other parent should not interfere. I agree with it but when one parent is being abusive and discriminating against the other children, then staying silent is no better than abuse itself. So every time he called my son names I would interfere and would put boundaries. At one point I decided to leave him but I had to think the other two children. when I put boundaries he would not do it when I was around but my son said when I was out of the house at work, his father always blame him and get angry with him and would stop this behaviour when I arrived home. Terrible thing. The good thing is, my older one emotionally well rounded, is the one who is doing better in life. He finished his higher education, he is gainly employed he has girlfriend, he enjoys the life, but I can see sometimes there is jealousy towards his siblings which is sad but it is not his fault it is his father's fault.
I am a spitting image of my father and he reacted very similarly. He hated himself for the unresolved, complex childhood trauma and being abandoned by his family when he asked for help. Any negative emotions resulted in beatings and verbal abuse, emotional neglect was the norm and affection was forced to reestablish fawning. I was abused into dissociation and still can't remember half my childhood. I never understood why my parents ever had children. Or how neither of us were accidentally killed as a result of the ignorance. My mom was so clueless that I was nearly drowned by another child mere feet away from her in an otherwise empty pool.
@@enoch4499 my husband was brought up by an alcoholic anorexic narcissistic mother. He has anger issues. As he could not get angry with me, he would pick on our eldest. if I only had one child, I would leave him for my older son's sake. However as I had two other children to think and they had close relationship with him (or they think they have), so instead of breaking the family, I decided to protect my older son from his father. There was not physical abuse because he knew he would not get away with it, however there was emotional and verbal abuse. By being closer to the other two children, and ignoring one child, in my opinion is emotional abuse. I tried to be with my older son in the evenings weekends. I always told him that his father has some mental health issues so he should not take things personally it is not about him but about his father. When my elder son and take the dog for a walk, we speak. He told me he thinks his father is autistic. I told him I think his father is a narcissist. Whatever he has, if I was not in my son's life, I think he would have developed mental health issues. My hearth goes out for any child who is abused neglected ignored. People like that should not have children.
This is SO spot on. Did anyone experience this⬆️ in their upbringing, but to the world it looked like you had everything, a perfect family!? I often liken my family growing up, to the “perfect family Christmas photo”. -Everybody look perfect put on the perfect smile annnddd “Click” there is the image for the world to see. So crazy the hidden destruction that really exists behind the façade! Anyone else in this boat?
wonderful video sam. I would really like to hear your discourse on the spoiling and overprotecting form of abuse, in the family series. I tried looking up videos on this from your perspective besides all the other wonderful content on youtube. I think these two go unnoticed but create an inward pressure and guilt of having 'everything' and 'STILL' being not enough. Disease and Control disguised as Love and Care. Anticipating your take.
Wow its soooo powerful to state these outloud The evil runs deep and if you been raised on it. Its really hard to see what you can sense is there but hard to and very painful to see
Yes this was my childhood, yet still as an older adult how can I heal to change and have a close relationship with the women I have loved instead of a romantic sexual one. It seems like because of these very things that grew within me may just be woven into the fabric of my life, Dear God Help to heal my soul ...
My family did alot of horrible things to me. But they worst thing is they always deny, everything they did and act like nothing happened. If i ever confront them i get blamed or shamed or they will now even gangup against me. This has been going on for 3 decades. Or i get told i'm too sensitive and take things the wrong way. It's so confusing. Nobody ever stands up for me even when im done wrong. Does this mean i am the scapegoat and why cant they stop? Why are they doing this to me? I just am so confused with all the mind games. I am the youngest,does that make me an easy target
I posted a video on my channel called 'Moving back in with family was a terrible mistake'. I caught an argument on camera between my 37-year-old brother and my 70-year-old father, and my brother has some kind of undiagnosed mental illness. He lived with my dad his whole life. He's never paid any bills. He watches every little thing you do, and ALL of it makes him angry. The situation is so absurd, and they are completely unwilling to look in the mirror and take accountability for their own toxicity, that they have turned me into the scapegoat and have tried to destroy me instead. This explains my family to a T.
I am very grateful for your message very empowering I literally had to leave my own City because of the threats but it doesn't matter where I go it's still they still follow me are the higher people to locate me but as God says pray for your enemies I don't let this get me down cuz I know there's many other people that are going through a lot so I live my life with joy and happiness our lives are just a vapor so may you and everybody have a beautiful and blessed day and thank you again ✨🌿❤️🙏🏽🌍❤️🌿✨
The 'cult leaders' left the area and now the next in line took their place. I'm only seen as useful and owing. Constantly the butt end of every other joke and told to 'ignore the bully' when I call them out. I've had quite enough.
Yeah that happened to me too. I got a lawyer to stand up to him and he withdrew his ridiculous case. He then defamed me all around with his twisted version.
I often wonder what the factor is that leads a family member to recognize, and wish to separate themselves from, the sickness in their family dynamics, and what makes others become brainwashed and impervious to the dysfunction. My NA ex boyfriend was so enmeshed with his family, a family full of secrets about incest, substance abuse, emotional abuse, coldness, and he knew there were unhealthy behaviors present but appointed himself the savior and the “healthy” one out of his more overtly dysfunctional siblings with alcohol and drug problems. He (unknowingly) cultivated an emotionally incestuous relationship with his daughter and could not see how harmful it was, she as his “mini wife,” he thought he was just a devoted father. He saw his family as close, they all lived together in various arrangements- adult alcoholic children living with their parents in their 40’s, etc, he even lived with his brother’s ex wife (with whom he wasn’t in a romantic relationship) because he’d entrained her to fill the role of his daughter’s surrogate mother. If I mentioned that there was something unusual with this at the very least, he reacted so negatively like I had the issue and not him. I myself saw from an early age that my family was off, there were dynamics and behaviors present that didn’t sit right with me and thank god I am stubborn and individuated at any cost. Not to say I don’t still struggle with my own residual unhealthy coping mechanisms. But I can see clearly my family is unhealthy, yet he cannot. What is that aspect in an individual that gets them to wake up to how messed up their family is versus a person who drinks the kool aid and has no idea how unhealthy their family is?
My mother recruited everyone in my family and my partners to abuse me for 56 years. She was the ringleader but my sisters, especially, were unbelievably abusive. Mother turned my older sister golden child into a drug addict and prostitute, ao my younger sister stepped up to fill the golden child role. She became the most overtly abusive person you could meet. She and mother joined in with both of my husbands to abuse me. The three of them spent 30 years breaking me and trying to drive me to suicide. Im finally free and getting healthy while they scramble to fill the hole I left, as it always goes. I laugh now at them scrambling to portray a loving family while everyone else in the extended family has seen the truth and shakes their heads.
Last yr when I was 19 my credit was really good and so my mother asked me to get a car for her so she can go to wrk. At the time I was 19 and still living with her so I said yes. Fast forward this yr and the car is in collections bc of her. She stopped making payments Jan of this yr so the last payment made was Dec of last yr. I don’t know what to do but I don’t speak to her anymore. I also don’t have $23k that they’re asking for so that I can now own the car. I know longer talk to her but she has threatened to call the repo man and get the car taken away from me. She has also gave them my work address. So now I’m in a very messed up situation. A major part of me doesn’t care but I will be taking her to court early next year for all of this. She has also gotten my sisters who are very narcissistic just like her to bully me and ostracize me but I don’t care to have a relationship with any of them at all.
They only see me as a working body now. Based on the gang stalking video. They have a forum or group that they consume about a person which is “identical to me”.
And let me share this with my fellow scapegoats.. if they doing it to you, they will influence your children to do it to you and you wont notice maybe til much later because its subtle and you trust people. Perhaps your child will remain true to you, but often there is alot of effort the better of a being you are the more they ostricize and youve got to keep your kids away and strongly with you cuz it will floor you. If they are cruel to you now it will get even worse if they can get your future with your future family babies that you love and raise with your good hearted values they are so ecstatic with each horrifying snub.gossip and public and they will gang stalk wherever they can, whereever you go many strangers who approach to befriend are sent & aiming to humiliate you more. Even the children are awarded.to belong, fit in and see how easy but your mom is rebellious its so twisted and hurts like hell practically impossible to sort. 😢
Im the youngest of six, i grew up in group homes for 7 years and then got dropped into my narc family againts my will. I lasted 5 years and ran away after neglect abuse and constant scapegoating. I got blamed for stealing drugs at 7 years old? I didnt even know what drugs was 🤣 Shout out to my scapegoats i hope we can atleast laugh at some of it as grown ups
Mr. Vaknin, you explained the problem very well, as you always do. But is there a solution? Since we are talking about one's closest family, walking away and breaking contacts isn't always an available solution. I would like to hear your specific advice on this if you have it.
These structures are not all powerfull if you are isolating yourself very carefull in them, as they dont discuss real problems you as a problem can't really be dealt with bc they are not cooperating well. And ultimately if you are 1000% honest they fear you. This space generated now can be used for anything you need: therapy, new untainted friendships, reflection/reading, ressources, a mere savespace.
the old bastards reaction to what i told a forensic psychologist at a menral hospital just before they released me back into his custody after he rang the police on me and i was taken to a mental ward was "I WOULDNT HAVE TOLD HIM ANYTHING" if i confront him about something criminal he has done to me his response is PACK YOUR BAGS AND PISS OFF. i ofren wonder why half his family have distanced themselves and or moved on from them
Sam, this is incredible. Every time I think of writing you about a certain subject, (I always hesitate to do so though), you come with a video responding to my doubts. Is it possible that my brain is in sinc with your channel ? 😂 like members of a band in the midst of a performance?
Greatly informative. Would love to hear more especially about the root cause of such dynamics. Assuming it is one or more narcissists in the family system, how and why are they able to make the whole group dysfunctional?
Prof. Vaknin, if the scapegoat goes to therapy, identifies the introjects, works on the self love as your old videos suggest, on attachment wounds, self awareness... All the advices you gave in all your videos... Can the damage be contained at least after separation individuation?? Many thanks for your videos.
They are nice when you quit jobs to nurse them but if you needed even just a small need like an ear or to speak a truth they stick their fingers in there ears laterally. Disgusting immature behavior.
hello sam, how do i forgive my parents? i'm having trouble, i love them and hate them. (yes hate).i'm twisted with my own meaning of how i grew up and what society tells me. i just want to say it to them.
The scapegoat is the child that makes displays for connectiveness that the other family members cannot bring themselves to. The scapegoat is the person they might very well wish they could be, but cannot. & so all manner of things arise: persecution. Jealousy. Envy. Hate.
Well put
Scapegoats are the Truth Tellers in the family….. especially a family where denial reigns supreme.
Well said!😮
I certainly was
This is my family and it hurts so so much.
Mine too😢
@@stephaniedonatello6844 ❤️❤️❤️so sorry lovely
Where are my fellow scape goats at!?!?! Scape goats unite!!!!!🐐✊💪
Word
@@rubberbiscuit99 On God we the Greatest Of All Times
@@AmeliaHouck-o9j Not at Sam Vaknin’s. I heard he’s a narc.👺🎭
@@casecunnings693He’s a self proclaimed Narcissistic Psychopath. His childhood story is as horrific as mine, the difference is I’m an empath/scapegoat.
💯 % brother right here 🙌
This is how my brother ended up an alcoholic, drug addict and commit suicide after 30 years of narcissistic abuse via the golden child. May he RIP, it's the saddest thing in my life.
🙏🏻🫂💝
Sorry to hear that... May he rest in peace, finally... 💔
🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
I was abused by my golden child sister and ended up an alcoholic. I left home at 15, had a hard life, my family had little to do with me but luckily I got sober when I was 39 and have been sober now 16 years. The golden child is now house bound, had to quit her high paying job and lives everyday in her guilt of how she treated me, if I hadn't gone to AA I would of died. I'm sorry your brother passed away, sending you love from Australia. ❤
@@tinkingtinking2134 Amazing how often the Scapegoat grows up to be a strong innovator, etc.
All through growing up, there were signs of something not being right with both my narc parents and of the family as a whole, but I couldn’t put my finger on just what it was. This video pretty laid it all out for me as to the nature of these families like my own, and all the toxicity bred from them.
These parents weren’t “parents” but pretenders calling themselves as such, using and abusing the people they bring into the world for their own gain.
My only regret was that I didn’t discover this earlier, as I could have made certain life decisions earlier- it would saved me from years of abuse and manipulation from those calling themselves as my “parents”.
Many people can relate to your comment. This is the case for multitudes. So many people have shared with me their family (if you could call that family) abuse and neglect. The only option is no contact. That's very difficult for children. All one can do is exclude them from our lives.
For 45 years I thought my family was close and cared for each other. The lie is soul crushing. Family 1st, honor your parents except your father. I repeated the cycle with my own. I hate lying so oh well. I’m a lone wolf and I ❤my peace.
Thank you for this. Possibly the best description ever of the family I grew up in. I was subjected to emotional and psychological abuse, scapegoating, denial and gaslighting. Later in life I was gang bullied/ mobbed by siblings. I am completely estranged for my own survival. It’s a miracle I am alive, the sibs are all mentally ill and drug and alcohol addicted.
Same.
@@ilovepeonies9801 So sorry you went through that…. A lot of power in knowlege.
Same. The most spot on ever. Makes sense why I repeated then in my marriage.
2nd generation scapegoat here... my mother & brother have recruited my two children who although have also been treated shaibbily by them also blame me for everything whilst excluding me. I got to meet & spend nearly 18months with my grandkids but have now been rejected again as I told a hard hitting truth. My heart is actually broken😢
I was an only child in a very disfuncional family and my parents were both narcissist, so sometimes I was put in the role of the golden child and sometimes in the role of the scapegoat. Bingo, I really won everything.
You summed up my family perfectly. I always felt my sister was fake, putting on an act of perfection to please my parents. When my Mum passed away, my Dad sided totally with her and they immediately set about bullying me as the scapegoat. I refused to accept the way my Dad was being manipulated (financially ofcourse) and was punished for telling the truth about his fragile physical and mental state. This was viewed as a complete betrayal of the Family...
I always felt there was more to it, other secrets being hidden and protected etc, but I doubt I will ever know the real truth about what went on.
6:28 "The family homeostasis is THREATENED by honesty. When 1 family member is honest, the King is Naked." Emperor's New Clothes 😮 This threatens the balance of this kind of family. 😢
I’m so very grateful Professor Vaknin. is bringing awareness about the toxicities that exist in some family dynamics. Being a scapegoat can result in a Hellish existence on this planet.
BLOODY Beautiful work!.
Man of renowned.
I tried to hold back my tears listening to this lecture 😔 you have been a huge part of my healing journey, Thank you 📿🙏🏾
Yep. I agree with the last sentence. Unfortunately, once you uncover the secrets and lies and this gets out to the wrong people, there is no going back.
will you elaborate a little? who are the "wrong people"?
@@sheilajac Anyone who doesn’t keep the status quo of abuse hidden. Anyone that believes your story.
Hello, Professor Vaknin.
That is my family of origin.
Just so you have an idea, in your video " Get Rid of Your Sick Family", mine scored 12 out of 13...🙃
I walked away in november last year, had one of the harder years of my life, grieving, completely no contact with my passive agressive
mother and my three brothers.
Your videos have been helping me a lot during this year.
Thank you 🇧🇷
It's so painful..... And the people who still blame us for not forgiving... Ugh
God bless
It really sucks.
You'll get peace it only gets better.
No contact coming up 2 yrs now.
Thank goodness 🙏
I have the same situation. Also I am in no contact with my discarded BPD ex for 7 months. Its a deep pain which I can not compare with any pains. But I know that, this pain will become my strenght in time. Thanks to Prof. Sam, enlights us about these and wish all my best to all other people suffering these..😢
@@jbuntine1255Thank God He had mercy on me & let me know He loved me. ❤
Sam, thank you for this. It has been me. Very validating.
Thanks for this video Professor Sam. It’s a sensitive topic, I realized it few years ago, I haven’t felt seen by my mother.
You’re right it’s a cult.
I moved country. I cannot change them and accepted it. Have learned so much from your videos about situations I didn’t understood.
Escape goat here. Life’s good now but scars remain.
Another escape goat here. My scars are sufficient enough to remember how hard things were and have empathy for others, but after 23 years I feel blessed, happy and understand my journey.
Scapegoat, not escape goat.
@@samvakninI escaped the scapegoat role and don’t identify with it anymore as I am not a victim any longer.
19:55 "then the damage regrettably is for life" - ouch
50yrs old. Can confirm.
58 years old. Unfortunely, it’s exactly like this. Sam Vaknin keeps it real.
Yes, but you can still have a good fulfilling life. It's not a d-th sentence, but it is a serious roadblock. Keep pushing. We give up, they win.
@@PlanetMeathead it’s better to make peace with yourself and the absurd fate that has befallen you. Then you can live a serene life. The more you push, the more you find yourself in the same situations you are trying to escape.
However, when you are born in a sh*tty family, you should been told to do therapy as soon as possible, as soon as you have a little money to use for your mental health: that’s the only right path.
@@PlanetMeathead I don't know what we're trying to win here. I think I'll stick to giving up on trying to find any value to a relationship with these people. The most hurtful and damaging part of dealing with them is that their expectation of the relationship is that you become their tool while you are just trying to be closer to them. When you try to help them realize that they are missing out on the real value of a close relationship, they can't comprehend this and instead exploit your efforts to benefit themselves. In their minds they fool themselves into believing they have proven themselves superior by getting someone to do their bidding. In actuality, they are pitied, their insecurities exposed, and they destroy what little of a relationship that may remain with the foolish family member who believes they must never give up on family.
I'm stunned there are no comments, not surprised, as this topic is mindfully, deeply alarming, and attacks the core of your heart, mind and soul collectively. Pandora's box, combining overt, and insidious.
It was only posted 15 minutes ago and the video is 20 minutes long.
@@Whammy888-u3k😆
😂@@Whammy888-u3k
Its been posted an hour ago
In the mean time sevarel comments have been written!
Really great to hear you reference Rebecca Mandeville. As the scapegoat, I appreciate both of you ♥️
@@23chanyou are sad pathetic excuse for a human being
I love that he referenced Rebecca as well. She deserves so much recognition and I am personally so grateful for her work, which, as an FSA survivor, has been incredibly helpful and validating.
I just had enough last summer. They do not have me for a human being. No more, I was rejected when I was born and until now blamed for everything possible. Narcisistic den. Unfortunatelly it is coming from previous generation, they dont even know what they do. The worst enemies ever.
Thank you profesor Sam.
Often the SG is labeled "mentally ill" which can be very confusing to the victim. Also, the "mobbing" continues through generations.
yup .. my story
oh I got the full monty - apparently I'm mentally ill, alcoholic, a drug addict & gambler
I would say that scapegoats become later one of the mentally toughest people to exist… but for those who are extremely traumatized will ofc become cluster b
I agree. It builds a very high level of mental resilience
Well technically when you let no one approach you you can never be betrayed 🤷
As a scapegoat myself, I agree. I've had no choice but to be mentally and emotionally resilient...however, due to all the trauma I've endured, I've developed a few narcissistic traits or 'narcissistic fleas.' Thankfully I am very empathic, which has kept me from veering into cluster b territory...
Thank you SO much for this brilliant expose of the conundrum of the family scapegoat who is systematically targeted by every single member of the narcissistically abusive family, and made to feel crazy for their vastly different perception of reality.
Thank you also for creating a new playlist “family dynamics”. 😊.
This was my experience as the abused as you have described. The abuser demanded that I give up something and brought the family together to convince me. The request involved giving up my last pleasure in life after giving up everything else including myself after four decades of abuse. I was even “diagnosed” as someone with autism to explain being very withdrawn. I could not give up this pleasure. Let’s say it was a hobby as an example. It was something far more precious to me. There was nothing wrong with it. I could not accept this request. Consequently, the abuser left and filed for divorce after I accused the abuser of having NPD. Three years later, after hard work, I am slowly recovering. Your videos have made my recovery faster.
I am a survivor of family abuse, and knowledge is the key to healing. EMDR is very helpful.
Thank you! I would have never allowed myself to admit the truth if it wasn’t for these videos and a few other professionals. I always thought it was me. Upside is I’m self aware, downside I’m having trouble getting rid of the bad memories .
thank you very much. I have been this scapegoat and been kicked out of the family for about 10 years. Of course my departure would be presented as if it had been my decision. The highly narcissistic and psychopathic members of this family have even announced to me that they plan to kick me out of the family. My one sister said I'll never see you again and that I'll live two years before I get kicked out. The other sister told me in private, with a smile and cunning, what an idea it would be if one of the sisters left forever... I had no idea what they were both talking about and my mother, the psychopath ordered and carried out the whole drama
I was scapegoated by dad, mom and brothers
Even the golden child is abused in a sense, especially when they are obligated to be the model the parents want them to be. They kind of have to be an extension of the parents. It’s like a prison.
The excess of attention, expectations, protection and spoiling is also a kind of abuse (as stated by Sam in another video). They become a tool to inflict pain to the other children. And as a result, the golden child can be isolated despite themselves and disliked by its siblings for a long long time.
Emotional incest.
Thank you professor Vaknin. I was made a scapegoat and I find this video healing 10:01
This is such a great video. I am so glad that you are addressing this topic which is the root of narcissism. I have been a Scapegoat for my entire life and as I heal and Recover, I have been learning about FSA and its implications towards me. You are absolutely correct - being in a toxic, negative environment has had its affects on me. The best way is to go no contact and to cut off all ties with every single one of my family members with no one as an exception. I now understand where my childhood trauma comes from and why I tend to attract assholes in my life. But not anymore. I can see the signs clearly now and have shielded myself and thankfully my Higher Power has protected me from such harmful people. I now surround myself with people who love. support and appreciate me. Thank you for this video and I am looking forward to watching more of your videos on this subject matter.
This is my family 100%. I've walked away a few times. I think this time it's for good. I feel better than I have ever in my life. I'm more clear-headed and I use videos like yours to remind myself exactly where I was and exactly where I don't ever want to be again. Thank you for sharing. I wish I could say it in 20 minutes LOL
my family was like that, In the past 35 yrs I've seen them twice at my parents' funeral. They are toxic to this day
When you’re brought up to believe your family is everything, actually, it’s probably nothing but a fantasy.
Amen - well said
Thank you for this video! I was going to ask you if you wouldn't mind please creating a video on narcissistic siblings, in childhood and adulthood. You must have read my mind! Thank you for everything that you deliver on this channel, I appreciate it all. Truly.
I have three children. Two boys and the middle one is a girl. I never understood why my husband is so angry with my oldest son. Out of three, the older one is spitting image of my husband. So he cannot say this child is not mine. He would call him names, belittle him tell him he is stupid. He would refer to him, "you know who" or someone" or "somebody". For example he would say, "somebody left his shoes in the middle of the entrance", "somebody threw too much toilet papers and blocked the toilet", "somebody left the door open" and so on and so forth, always criticising blaming. Never the other two were blamed. Basically in my husband's eyes, my son could do nothing right. Usually they say, when one parent discipline the child, the other parent should not interfere. I agree with it but when one parent is being abusive and discriminating against the other children, then staying silent is no better than abuse itself. So every time he called my son names I would interfere and would put boundaries. At one point I decided to leave him but I had to think the other two children. when I put boundaries he would not do it when I was around but my son said when I was out of the house at work, his father always blame him and get angry with him and would stop this behaviour when I arrived home. Terrible thing. The good thing is, my older one emotionally well rounded, is the one who is doing better in life. He finished his higher education, he is gainly employed he has girlfriend, he enjoys the life, but I can see sometimes there is jealousy towards his siblings which is sad but it is not his fault it is his father's fault.
I am a spitting image of my father and he reacted very similarly. He hated himself for the unresolved, complex childhood trauma and being abandoned by his family when he asked for help. Any negative emotions resulted in beatings and verbal abuse, emotional neglect was the norm and affection was forced to reestablish fawning. I was abused into dissociation and still can't remember half my childhood. I never understood why my parents ever had children. Or how neither of us were accidentally killed as a result of the ignorance. My mom was so clueless that I was nearly drowned by another child mere feet away from her in an otherwise empty pool.
@@enoch4499 my husband was brought up by an alcoholic anorexic narcissistic mother. He has anger issues. As he could not get angry with me, he would pick on our eldest. if I only had one child, I would leave him for my older son's sake. However as I had two other children to think and they had close relationship with him (or they think they have), so instead of breaking the family, I decided to protect my older son from his father. There was not physical abuse because he knew he would not get away with it, however there was emotional and verbal abuse. By being closer to the other two children, and ignoring one child, in my opinion is emotional abuse. I tried to be with my older son in the evenings weekends. I always told him that his father has some mental health issues so he should not take things personally it is not about him but about his father. When my elder son and take the dog for a walk, we speak. He told me he thinks his father is autistic. I told him I think his father is a narcissist. Whatever he has, if I was not in my son's life, I think he would have developed mental health issues. My hearth goes out for any child who is abused neglected ignored. People like that should not have children.
This is why Matilda was my favorite movie growing up
Loved that movie too😊
I've never felt more validated or seen. I was just a play thing.
This is SO spot on. Did anyone experience this⬆️ in their upbringing, but to the world it looked like you had everything, a perfect family!? I often liken my family growing up, to the “perfect family Christmas photo”. -Everybody look perfect put on the perfect smile annnddd “Click” there is the image for the world to see. So crazy the hidden destruction that really exists behind the façade! Anyone else in this boat?
wow wow wow. the last line at the end was a stabber. lol
wonderful video sam. I would really like to hear your discourse on the spoiling and overprotecting form of abuse, in the family series. I tried looking up videos on this from your perspective besides all the other wonderful content on youtube. I think these two go unnoticed but create an inward pressure and guilt of having 'everything' and 'STILL' being not enough. Disease and Control disguised as Love and Care. Anticipating your take.
Search the From Child playlist.
Wow its soooo powerful to state these outloud The evil runs deep and if you been raised on it. Its really hard to see what you can sense is there but hard to and very painful to see
Yes this was my childhood, yet still as an older adult how can I heal to change and have a close relationship with the women I have loved instead of a romantic sexual one. It seems like because of these very things that grew within me may just be woven into the fabric of my life, Dear God Help to heal my soul ...
Excellent topic for a video, Sam. Thank you.
My family did alot of horrible things to me. But they worst thing is they always deny, everything they did and act like nothing happened. If i ever confront them i get blamed or shamed or they will now even gangup against me. This has been going on for 3 decades. Or i get told i'm too sensitive and take things the wrong way. It's so confusing. Nobody ever stands up for me even when im done wrong. Does this mean i am the scapegoat and why cant they stop? Why are they doing this to me? I just am so confused with all the mind games. I am the youngest,does that make me an easy target
Thank you for the family playlist
I posted a video on my channel called 'Moving back in with family was a terrible mistake'. I caught an argument on camera between my 37-year-old brother and my 70-year-old father, and my brother has some kind of undiagnosed mental illness. He lived with my dad his whole life. He's never paid any bills. He watches every little thing you do, and ALL of it makes him angry. The situation is so absurd, and they are completely unwilling to look in the mirror and take accountability for their own toxicity, that they have turned me into the scapegoat and have tried to destroy me instead.
This explains my family to a T.
This is by far the most eye opening video I've seen, thank you (again) Sam!
I am very grateful for your message very empowering I literally had to leave my own City because of the threats but it doesn't matter where I go it's still they still follow me are the higher people to locate me but as God says pray for your enemies I don't let this get me down cuz I know there's many other people that are going through a lot so I live my life with joy and happiness our lives are just a vapor so may you and everybody have a beautiful and blessed day and thank you again ✨🌿❤️🙏🏽🌍❤️🌿✨
EXCELLENT, Prof.Vaknin. 🎉 I know very well what are you talking about...
Thank you--Insightful & powerful--lots to think about.
How can a scapegoat go on and live a prosperous and fulfilling future
Everything about my "family". :(
The 'cult leaders' left the area and now the next in line took their place. I'm only seen as useful and owing. Constantly the butt end of every other joke and told to 'ignore the bully' when I call them out. I've had quite enough.
I hear you bro and I agree ❤
I was the scapegoat and now highly suspect BPD, specially once I've listened to your videos.
I was firm with my boundaries and now my family is taking me to court.
Wtf
For what?? Your boundaries? lol
Yeah that happened to me too. I got a lawyer to stand up to him and he withdrew his ridiculous case. He then defamed me all around with his twisted version.
The court is used as a Wepion.
Dang Vaknin you really called me out in this one 😪😪
I been waiting on this one a long time😢
Beautiful music to the ears
❤
family enmeshment is cross-cultural..healthy family bond is great...unhealthy bond would damage for life without support.
I often wonder what the factor is that leads a family member to recognize, and wish to separate themselves from, the sickness in their family dynamics, and what makes others become brainwashed and impervious to the dysfunction. My NA ex boyfriend was so enmeshed with his family, a family full of secrets about incest, substance abuse, emotional abuse, coldness, and he knew there were unhealthy behaviors present but appointed himself the savior and the “healthy” one out of his more overtly dysfunctional siblings with alcohol and drug problems. He (unknowingly) cultivated an emotionally incestuous relationship with his daughter and could not see how harmful it was, she as his “mini wife,” he thought he was just a devoted father. He saw his family as close, they all lived together in various arrangements- adult alcoholic children living with their parents in their 40’s, etc, he even lived with his brother’s ex wife (with whom he wasn’t in a romantic relationship) because he’d entrained her to fill the role of his daughter’s surrogate mother. If I mentioned that there was something unusual with this at the very least, he reacted so negatively like I had the issue and not him. I myself saw from an early age that my family was off, there were dynamics and behaviors present that didn’t sit right with me and thank god I am stubborn and individuated at any cost. Not to say I don’t still struggle with my own residual unhealthy coping mechanisms. But I can see clearly my family is unhealthy, yet he cannot. What is that aspect in an individual that gets them to wake up to how messed up their family is versus a person who drinks the kool aid and has no idea how unhealthy their family is?
Thank you so much Dear Sam
My mother recruited everyone in my family and my partners to abuse me for 56 years. She was the ringleader but my sisters, especially, were unbelievably abusive. Mother turned my older sister golden child into a drug addict and prostitute, ao my younger sister stepped up to fill the golden child role. She became the most overtly abusive person you could meet. She and mother joined in with both of my husbands to abuse me. The three of them spent 30 years breaking me and trying to drive me to suicide. Im finally free and getting healthy while they scramble to fill the hole I left, as it always goes. I laugh now at them scrambling to portray a loving family while everyone else in the extended family has seen the truth and shakes their heads.
Thank you, Professor. I was not sure where to draw the line, if I could expect anything else, how to proceed.
Last yr when I was 19 my credit was really good and so my mother asked me to get a car for her so she can go to wrk. At the time I was 19 and still living with her so I said yes. Fast forward this yr and the car is in collections bc of her. She stopped making payments Jan of this yr so the last payment made was Dec of last yr. I don’t know what to do but I don’t speak to her anymore. I also don’t have $23k that they’re asking for so that I can now own the car. I know longer talk to her but she has threatened to call the repo man and get the car taken away from me. She has also gave them my work address. So now I’m in a very messed up situation. A major part of me doesn’t care but I will be taking her to court early next year for all of this. She has also gotten my sisters who are very narcissistic just like her to bully me and ostracize me but I don’t care to have a relationship with any of them at all.
I don't blame ya honey. Sayin a prayer for ya. Be sure & pray for it before you step into the court room ❤
They only see me as a working body now. Based on the gang stalking video. They have a forum or group that they consume about a person which is “identical to me”.
And let me share this with my fellow scapegoats.. if they doing it to you, they will influence your children to do it to you and you wont notice maybe til much later because its subtle and you trust people. Perhaps your child will remain true to you, but often there is alot of effort the better of a being you are the more they ostricize and youve got to keep your kids away and strongly with you cuz it will floor you. If they are cruel to you now it will get even worse if they can get your future with your future family babies that you love and raise with your good hearted values they are so ecstatic with each horrifying snub.gossip and public and they will gang stalk wherever they can, whereever you go many strangers who approach to befriend are sent & aiming to humiliate you more. Even the children are awarded.to belong, fit in and see how easy but your mom is rebellious its so twisted and hurts like hell practically impossible to sort. 😢
This was the reason I didn't have children. I was in my mid thirties when I left. I couldn't have watched my children being abused by them.
@mariadodds2042 oh it was not at all obvious you wouldn't even see it.
That’s why my parents have no access to my child any longer. I am 100% certain they’d do this. My mom is the narc and my dad is a weak enabler.
Street smarts: defy your bully and don't cave in. People who hurt you must not be hurt but also not supported
Thank you Sam Vaknin, Brilliant explanation ⭐️🙏
I was a witness when the scapegoat was a father simply because he was an unsuccessful entrepreneur. No love, just contempt + hate.
Im the youngest of six, i grew up in group homes for 7 years and then got dropped into my narc family againts my will.
I lasted 5 years and ran away after neglect abuse and constant scapegoating.
I got blamed for stealing drugs at 7 years old? I didnt even know what drugs was 🤣
Shout out to my scapegoats i hope we can atleast laugh at some of it as grown ups
They literally forced me to apply for food stamps and. I just got out of high school
Mr. Vaknin, you explained the problem very well, as you always do. But is there a solution? Since we are talking about one's closest family, walking away and breaking contacts isn't always an available solution. I would like to hear your specific advice on this if you have it.
These structures are not all powerfull if you are isolating yourself very carefull in them, as they dont discuss real problems you as a problem can't really be dealt with bc they are not cooperating well. And ultimately if you are 1000% honest they fear you.
This space generated now can be used for anything you need: therapy, new untainted friendships, reflection/reading, ressources, a mere savespace.
the old bastards reaction to what i told a forensic psychologist at a menral hospital just before they released me back into his custody after he rang the police on me and i was taken to a mental ward was "I WOULDNT HAVE TOLD HIM ANYTHING" if i confront him about something criminal he has done to me his response is PACK YOUR BAGS AND PISS OFF. i ofren wonder why half his family have distanced themselves and or moved on from them
Sam, this is incredible. Every time I think of writing you about a certain subject, (I always hesitate to do so though), you come with a video responding to my doubts.
Is it possible that my brain is in sinc with your channel ? 😂 like members of a band in the midst of a performance?
The cliff hanger ending though....
I was the scapegoat and I freakin left. They dont get a single word! But i feel guilt and resentment concerning my aging sickly narc mother.
Don't they suck you dry to the end..
And never put you first as the vulnerable child , children are a nusesne.
Insidious & Overt sooo painful extremely devastating
Greatly informative. Would love to hear more especially about the root cause of such dynamics. Assuming it is one or more narcissists in the family system, how and why are they able to make the whole group dysfunctional?
Watch the Family Dynamics playlist.
Bravo Dr. Vaknin!
Prof. Vaknin, if the scapegoat goes to therapy, identifies the introjects, works on the self love as your old videos suggest, on attachment wounds, self awareness... All the advices you gave in all your videos... Can the damage be contained at least after separation individuation?? Many thanks for your videos.
Yes.
Yes, I’m living proof. I can’t believe sometimes how I’ve changed. I truly do love myself and I am the biggest supporter for my inner child.
It's like you are a fly on my wall
Thank you 🖤 this brought me a moment of relief.
OMSV! this is so releasing...
Very informative, thank you xxx
They are nice when you quit jobs to nurse them but if you needed even just a small need like an ear or to speak a truth they stick their fingers in there ears laterally. Disgusting immature behavior.
Polarization in politics has caused some of this.
True story 😢❤️🩹
hello sam, how do i forgive my parents? i'm having trouble, i love them and hate them. (yes hate).i'm twisted with my own meaning of how i grew up and what society tells me. i just want to say it to them.
And you'll be smeared .
Best to keep a low profile ,gather your info and keep it to yourself.
Man i suffer from this
Yup the patriarch/matriarch is god like unquestionable
Thank you
Sam, when did you meet my family?
Yeah and mine lol😅
I know it for my own experience ....
They’ve been doing it for years.
Can you explain your one eye symbolism
I've been thinking of when you said that our personalities are unchanged after age nine.