I'VE BEEN LIVING A LIE... (How Alcoholism Has Ruined My Self Confidence)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 6 ก.ย. 2024
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This video is for educational and documentary purposes only and is not intended to treat or diagnose. The opinions expressed are that of the individual in the video and nobody else. Please consult a health care professional for all mental and physical healthcare needs.
I Noah Thomas, the creator of this channel, have been diagnosed hypogonadism by a medical doctor and legally prescribed the medically indicated treatment of Testosterone Replacement Therapy.
My Story
My name is Noah and on May 18 2011, I had a rare reaction to a medication called VIVITROL and consequently, spiraled into a suicidal depression with depersonalization and anxiety. I lost 25 lbs in 4 weeks and was in full panic or near panic for 8 weeks straight mixed with the darkest most painful depression I cold have ever imagined. I immediately could not work and had to move in with my parents who, along with many siblings and friends, had to watch me 24/7 as I was a danger to myself. Eventually I was hospitalized in the Psych Ward for a week. Getting through each day seemed truly unbearable and I knew I would surely die. I have been put on many many different doctor prescribed SSRI's SNRI's Tricyclics, mood stabilizers, anti-psychotics, holistic meds, acupuncture and even a form of shock therapy called RTMS. I barely saw any improvement in my condition for a full year. It was decided I had treatment resistant depression and I spent nearly every moment in tears. Weeks after starting my newest round of medications (Seroquel & Nortryptaline) as a last ditch effort, I had my blood drawn for possible hormone imbalances and my Testosterone levels came back 200 ng/Dl and 150 ng/Dl. The average 25 year old male has 750 ng/Dl. With this discovery I had an explanation as to why I was not getting better and why I might be so so sick. The symptoms of Low T are very similar to those of major depression. I started legally prescribed testosterone replacement therapy soon after and have been checking in with the world and documenting my experience with treatment as well as giving my insight and perspective on various topics of mental health. I am blessed to say that I have slowly, over the last 6 years, been improving and becoming more stable which I never thought to be possible. My low T manifested itself in the form of Major depression, anxiety, and depersonalization/ derealization for over a year. Treating my low testosterone has been 1 HUGE part of the puzzle but I have had to continue to work hard to hold on to my mental stability with many set backs. Gaining some mental stability back is nothing short of a miracle as I was near death for what felt like forever. I do not consider myself to be totally healed yet but I am closer now then ever before and aim to use what I have been through to help or at least offer support to others in need I was able to successfully come off my Seroquel and Pamelor.
I work out all the time as a part of my mental health recovery!!! Weight training and all kinds of cardio rule much of my free time and I also share this on my channel.
Noah Thomas (bignoknow) is an affiliate of LetsGetChecked
I am told that it's all experience. It took me eleven years to reach the last drink. Serious drinking is like professional boxing - you always reach a point where you have to stop. I love being sober and hearing others being rigorously honest. We'll all keep coming back.
Like craig Beck says "everything has an end date".. I like that one.
Hi Noah, I am writing this not to any way diminish the incredible job you have done in helping so many people through depression. You were in fact instrumental with your 'hope' videos getting me through a particularly acute period of depression in my life. I cannot thank you enough.
That being said, I think you need to consider what you are saying right now and who your audience is. You are an incredible speaker. You are clear, communicative and convincing. All things that attract people to your channel and you as a person. Your authenticity lends your story a reality that few youtubers posess.
Right now you are maybe attracting attention from newly sober, or people who are struggling with a new state of sobriety. And you are being honest and open, however I worry what happens IF as a few years ago, you make a video entitled 'I don't want to be sober anymore...' in which you clearly explain and articulate WHY you should NOT be sober.
I think my concern is that others going through the same thing may hear those messages, and find, just as you did, a reason to follow in your footsteps and deviate from sobriety.
I am cheering you on as much as the next person and appreciate your sincerity. But just as I relied on your hope videos for my depression, I wonder if others rely on you in this same way for their sobriety.
Take care and best of luck
Once you get sober, you don’t have an excuse to ever go back to drinking. Drinking has zero upside. Once you realize that it provides nothing for you, quitting is easy. Weddings, events and nights out are so much better without alcohol. I quit drinking years ago. Once I changed my mindset about it, the thought of drinking has never returned.
The Easyway to Quit Drinking by Allen Carr is how I quit. It really was that easy!
Good stuff! I feel the same way.. I read Alcohol lied to me parts 1 and 2 by Craig Beck! I just went to a winery and had a GREAT time with my cranberry and soda.
Just took my first "vacation" sober - 5 days. Definitely had a few temptations but wow, I always feel so much better the next day when I look back and acknowledge that I stayed sober and I feel great and healthy and clear. I have to rememer that upfront when the temptations come. 80 days sober.
congrats!
You have struggled for far too long. I pray happiness is just around the corner for you.
I announced it on your channel, the day I quit alcohol, it was five years ago now in Dec. You can do it, the minute you start lying to cover your drinking you're lying to yourself. Drinking is not sustainable mate. When you can walk past the alcohol aisle and thank your lucky stars you took yourself seriously it's definitely worth it. Take up walking, eat a plantbased diet and you can reverse alot of bad shit, due to the anti inflammatory affect. Green smoothies of kale, spinach and banana, chia seeds first thing is optimal and a plant based meal. Good luck whatever you do. See you in another five years.
Yes I agree with the plant based diet! I went vegan 7 years ago, and eat smoothies every day it has helped me stay sober. The meat People are eating from slaughter houses are coming from pain and suffering animals, and what do you think the effects are from the people eating it..more pain and suffering to the people and environment.
Congrats on 5 years. That’s fantastic!
@@bignoknow Thank you ❤
@@SaraZadrozny 💯❤💚
You know, Noah...I've been sober for 5 years now. Way back, I discovered your channel. I routinely return to it to check on you and I am really kind of shocked that it's still the same stuff. Over, and over, and over again. I don't wanna sound cruel but have you have ever considered the possibility that this channel is kind of enabling your addiction? And prolonging the cycles?
You and me both my friend. I've considered this deeply. That said, relapse is a part of my story and I want to be able to share openly for all those who, like me, have had to work and re work this issue in the attempt to get it right. As for TH-cam, my intention is to check my motives carefully going forward. When I am in the right frame of mind, I believe this channel to be very helpful and useful to the world and for me. When I am in the wrong frame of mind, I think it's dangerous. For today, I trust myself to post. I disappeared much of the last couple years because I knew I was in an unhealthy space and thought it best to stay away. It's a interesting topic though.
Hi Noah!! I’ve been following you for years. Please realize that alcohol is not your friend; it’s your enemy. You are such an amazing person, love yourself, it’s only then you can escape this hell of addiction. You can do this, believe in yourself, I believe you can!!
The elephant in the room here is the danger of telling other addicts online that moderation was working for you, when it absolutely wasn’t. It could lead others down the garden path, into huge danger. It feels very selfish of you to do that to justify keeping up that story so you could continue to drink. I still wish you all of the very best in your sobriety Noah.
I love these men because I am struggling with depression and anxiety
Please don't drink alcohol
I followed you a while back ... Self Honesty is the start ! Sober many years i still have those emotions when i am not in alignment.. Living a lie is TRUE SELF TORTURE !!
Hey Noah, I’ve been referencing your videos for probably close to 10 years now for mental health, life, etc and I totally appreciate you as a TH-camr and a flawed human being like the rest of us. You’re a huge help for a lot of us, thank you.
I’m 21 and having someone older that’s gone and going though similar things im so grateful for his videos
Don't put so much pressure on yourself. Learn how to just "be". Realize that you have put your body thru trauma and make a conscious effort to go back to simple basics and be disciplined about your basic routines, and get thru it. And more importantly, relax. Turn your brain off and "be" for awhile. Think about incorporating Zen / Buddhism into your life. These are just a flow of thoughts 🧐 ... Wishing the BEST for you ❤🙏🏻
Thanks. Wonderfully stated.
I will also say ... Bill W (for those that know who that is) Struggled with all these same emotions ! Its actually a good thing to have this intense (Often painful) self awareness and ego smashing pain but that is the beginning of tru recovery. recovery 1st everything els follows in my experience !!
Early sobriety can be brutal we see everything including our life was a lie, and so much time wasted.
praying for your wife that is affected by this and has to deal with this too but good job for getting sober!
Thank you so much! I started off with your first video about ruminating thoughts.. then I went to your channel and listened to the living alive and about an hour ago I was crying, but Hagan God to help me and I do understand alcoholism so thank you and please sharing🙏 so I began to listen to another video of yours why I take a walk and I have to live in Portland, Oregon.. synchronicity’s God answering my prayer
Powerful reflection…when we fall… the most important thing is what we do once we can stand again… love you Baby♥️… mama
bro so many problems. in medium security ward, took a swing at the scariest guy in the ward a few days ago. people are saying ive been psychotic but that im recovered.
it is okay to be honest, and it is okay to listen to others. i know for me i make an effort to listen to others.
i know how tough raw emotion can be. we are all human. for me what gets me through all of it is this unconditional trust in myself. that may not be the right thing for you, but its what works for me.
unconditional trust in yourself is hard to cultivate, but it starts off by doing a few things that you want just cause you want to do it. maybe you want to do a bbq, even if no one else is in wanting it right then and there. convice them. say they are mouthing off and souring the mood when you are feeling upbeat and chipper. lift their spirits.
doing what you want is better than any drug, and a healthy addiction.
Wow there are a few questions in here that I hadn't even considered since I got sober. I too was living outside of my own values for a long time just to keep things together. I don't particularly like that guy. But it was similar to survival in a way. It's been a few years now and I think there are still things I need to properly unpack. Thanks for the video.
Hey a huge thing to help you feel better about yourself would be to get an animal to take care of maybe a cat that would be put down otherwise, and make it the happiest animal and best life you possibly can. You wont believe how much this helps your self image. Having a little animal around you can treat nice and poor niceness into will help exponentially. The biggest thing is it helps you see yourself in a positive light but other benefits is it takes your mind off things, gives you more empathy and connection to others too,and helps you to feel more too
love my two dogs!
He has dogs and even a wife and they are not enough for him.
I can relate to every word in this video. Looking back to when I was in the active addiction matrix being so self righteous and judgmental of others when, in reality, I was the biggest piece of shit out of everyone by far. Delusional.
This realization (which wasn't immediate) was like being hit across the head with a board.
Really authentic, lovely words. Appreciate your content man ❤
Fun Video Idea:
The Bring Sally Up Challenge!!
It is usually performed using pushups, but it would be fun to see it attempted (and completed? ) with other exercises. Heels Elevated Bodyweight Squats? 20lb dumbell seated OHP? 125lb Deficit Romanian Deadlift?
Anyway....
It was just an idea.
Stay shredded, brah, we're all gonna make it.
Peace.
Great challenge
Brother I am following you online for past few years …
I am Iranian we love you from here we All are same I think you’re doing good please don’t beat up yourself for that you are very strong you are decided to stop, that’s all matters 👏👏👏
Very kind of you to share. Wishing you the very best.
Noah, I mean this with only respect; have you ever considered taking a break from yourself? For example, trying to embrace thinking less critically/ about such intense topics for about a month somehow? Could you just be? Don’t get too caught in this “be your best self” bs, because it might cause you to self obsess and become so critical of everything you do or think or feel you become actually paralyzed. You, existing, in this moment, is enough. You can be you, in your humanness, and it is still the best you. You can be in your illness and still be the best you. You as you are, is beyond acceptable. Don’t go too deep into yourself. You don’t have to prove your authenticity to anyone. It’s ok. Good luck man.
I try and do this all the time! Truly. Thanks for the share. It resonated with me.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Let's be honest here... life is profoundly difficult to navigate, none of us know how we got here, why, or what the f*ck is going on... at all. We live in an insane reality that fits all the criteria of a prison. It's hardly surprising that people lose themselves in substance abuse, like myself (with kava and kratom, which are relatively tame, but still...). Life sucks, man. It's hard to make it through this sober.
I am 24 years sober but I have other addictions like masturbation
@@heinmolenaar6750 We all have something.
Keep pushing forward Noah , my sister introduced me to your channel many years ago . Im so glad she did Ive seen you as a pillar of strength for people who suffer with mental health.
Try not to be hard on yourself , addiciton is so hard ( im 7 years sober) , this life is hard for us sensitive souls but you are smart and capable. One step at a time , you will get through this ❤ xx
Thank you Aymee. Your choice of words resonates with me. "us sensitive souls". I like that. Congrats on 7 years.
Relapse, film, repeat 🙄
right!!
It's hard when you hate yourself. I know because I feel the same way.
I'm starting to think this guy is playing a character for his TH-cam channel. I'm getting whiffs of narcissism and inauthenticity.
I mean that’s what he’s saying in the video- that he was being inauthentic. Maybe it’s true but everyone has narcissistic traits. From my POV, he is struggling with an addiction, and when it takes over he’s more performative and less humble, which isn’t weird at all. It’s very common to be less authentic and put on a facade when we don’t like ourselves. And that’s what this video is saying.
"Fake it to make it"
@@maddyG7414 I understand that but I think most of this stuff is not true and over sensationalized, the titles are also so super click baity. It gets clicks and gets him a check from TH-cam so I understand. I have a really good nose for sniffing things out like this, and unfortunately Noah isn't passing the sniff test anymore. I
All the best.
You are just projecting your problems in the comment section are you putting people down to make yourself feel better ? If you are saying this person is a narcissist you are just projecting that you think you might be a narcissist in your head and are debating it. That’s a psychological fact.
@@Yepperpepper That's so out of bounds it's not even funny. So if I point at someone on the street that's clearly an addict that means I'm an addict? If I point out someone acting rudely, that means I'm actually the rude person? If I point out someone might be a homosexual based on their mannerisms and way of speaking, that means I'm actually describing myself? You are out of your mind and your assertions are incorrect. Not everything is projection kiddo. Wherever you got your psychology degree, I would demand a refund.
Are you taking testosterone hormone replacement therapy? Is it increasing dopamine? Is it leading to increased risk of addictive and obsessive tendencies?
What are the effects of testosterone and dopamine increases?
up test up dopamine , decrease prolactin. but yes can't be strung out on dopamine all day all nite. don't start daytrading any ADHDer here, nor Noah (it causes suicide). Looking out for you all.
Who are any of us Noah? And why are we moving along the pathways that we are? Identity, direction, purpose, routine, patterns of behaviour, they are all inherently a mind trip if we stop and observe them.
These things were a hell of a struggle for me as well until I committed to the simple things in life. My wife, my children, my parents, just being very intentional and invested in those type of things.
I came to your channel when I began trt a few years ago and I can tell from your content over the years that you’re intelligent and aware. It’s way too much to type in a TH-cam comment but I understand a lot of what you battle with (though not the alcohol addiction).
My thoughts are that you will find a more peaceful mind when you invest your energy, your intelligence, and your passion into the simple things. Your gym, your wife (if you two are still willing), I honestly think some children would change your life for the better in ways you will never realize as well.
I just turned 43 and have 4 and 2 year old sons and truly they’ve given my life a direction and purpose I never knew existed in my adult years. I never thought I would want children and now I could never imagine a life without them.
2.5 years ago I quit what was on paper the dream executive job with the six figure salary and started a business from my home so that I didn’t miss anything with my kids when they were little. Crazy as it is that business has grown like mad and is on pace to do almost $5M in sales this year and I still rock it out of my house and never have a day go by where I miss anything with the family. Never earned anything like what I am now with the corporate gig.
I guess the point of all of this rambling is to say that all the twists and turns to this point are your story. As a person that’s had the AMG Merc and all the useless shit - I can say from personal experience keep your life simple and your focus simple. Your entrepreneurial spirt will guide that part of the journey. Seriously consider starting a family if your relationship is in a good place. I was able to get my wife pregnant right away even though I did trt (I came off it for a little while at that point).
Hard to get a good message across in this little box but I sincerely wish you the best Noah. For minds like ours we need to feed that ego in a positive way as it can get into the weeds quickly if unchecked. The more you build up the simple routines of your life the more you will find satisfaction and happiness. I hope one day to see a video that you are starting a family as well.
Thank you so much for your honesty & insights!
Just quit it and never look back. Did it myself. Your mind will reward you with self love down the way, when you least expect it.
Didn't you quit internet porn? Did you replace it with alcohol? Jump from one addiction to another? That is what can and often happens. Well you either got to heal the addictive tendencies or channel them in a positive and good direction. Which you obviously have in one way with your exercise routines.
Hey Noah, letting you know your videos have helped and are constantly helping me with everything from TRT to addiction. FUCK DAY ZERO!!!! Have a great day bud!
Im ruining not only my life but my wife and sons i lie steal money from my family all for drink i need help
I needed help to. Go get it my friend!
Worth having an assessment for ADHD? Many people with it present in the way you do (in combination with alcohol) whilst also remaining relatively high functioning. Just a thought. Keep up the good work bro. It takes a lot of bravery to go through what you do whilst broadcasting it on the internet x
Exactly what i was thinking of. He remind me of myself with all the longterm struggle and I have adhd.
for sure ADHD. Anxiety, depression, structure, drugs.. alcohol. ADHD medicine and trt or some randro/4andro and adhd medicine and bullet journalling. for sure a good nice man. But I know what I'm talking about. severe ADHD and diagnosed at 26. tons of surgeons, docs in my family and I am usually quite high functioning but yeah when I get super depressed/ ill (from the wrong meds), or life circumstances, I go down. Adding trt ... he should add ADHD medicine. We are like different sides of the same coin, lol.
Jus be honest.
I also hate myself I have for a long time and nobody seems to care
Not being an alcoholic I don't understand how when you are sober and you know how destructive alcohol is in your life and how you can't control it, what makes you think it's okay to drink? No judgement, just curious, you seem so smart and introspective.
Thats the big question right. That's the insanity of addiction. Some would say that's the "ism" in alcoholism. Addicts and alcoholics behave in a way that defies all reason or logic. We do terribly tragic things when our disease is left untreated.
@bignoknow That has to be incredibly hard to resolve!! A close friend recently lost his son to a heroin overdose, came from a good family, played sports all through growing up. In and out of rehabs, the addiction was so gripping. Keep up the good work!!! ❤️
Brain Chemistry imbalances drags us back into drinking because it makes us feel great in the short term .
Just a thought….you say you ask god/ higher power to keep you sober every day…. Why not instead pretend god/ higher power is asking you every day to keep the body and life he gave you safe and healthy? Worth a try maybe….think of someone else…do it for them and yourself
Are you still using the approach where you dabble in drinking occasionally?
I’m so glad I gave up on this guy emotionally years ago. The yo-young would have truly disturbed me by now.
Learn to let go. Less deep thinking about yesterday, more forgiving, forgetting, and forward momentum.
Don't fucking drink. It's poison.
You can fucking do it. 😁👍
Just curious did you stay on your hormone therapy through all this? With my addiction/mental health issues, I sometimes want to say eff it to my responsibilities and even my prescribed protocol.
Have you ever tested for sleep apnea, or did a genetic analysis? You could have the COMT gene which causes anxiety
On the subject of addiction, what are your thoughts on Matthew Perry?
Hmmmm... I just think it's sad.
ketamine, years of abuse vicodin and alcohol and cocaine... but ketamine and suffocated/ drowned to death. RIP "CHANDLER" Matthew Perry. You were pretty funny. A fellow Canadian.
How is douglad bloch?
Really recommend visiting a new psychiatrist. Meds can be life changing - in a positive way. Past results don’t guarantee future performance
Source: an alcoholic bipolar person on a cocktail of meds
they actually help? or just ruin looks? weight gain, hair loss, and destroy ambition? I hope your stuff works for you. Tried lamictal, caused hair loss, took finasteride nearly ended my own life. fixed it better than ever... years ago. but.... yeah I was misdiagnosed , Just ADHD and life circumstance stuff. Depressed at times sure but mostly just anxiety and ADHD (severe). ADHD medicine helped a lot and so does... I think hormones and journaling and achieving life goals and strong social support (doing, did, was always, fitness, and the latter strong social support yeah that's tough. walked away from 9999 girls throughout life. I am shy.. but yeah the lockdown didn't help, and nor did daytrading and subsequent depression).
@@N-xi2zh Bipolar disorder is unique in that, because the illness is so deeply rooted in brain chemistry, medication is the primary and most effective means of treatment
Adjunct solutions like psychotherapy, mindfulness, sleep, diet, exercise, relationship building, etc., can help tremendously - especially in treating comorbid mental illnesses - but they don't address the biological foundation of bipolar disorder. Untreated bipolar disorder only gets worse over time and gradually degrades the brain with each mood relapse
Medications have side effects, yes, but so does untreated bipolar disorder. And in my experience, those side effects are far, far, far worse than any I've experienced on the litany of medications I've taken
You may ask, "how did people with bipolar disorder survive before medications were discovered?"
Short answer: they didn't. They suffered in silence amongst an unforgiving society until they committed suicide or died an early death (25% - 60% of bipolar sufferers attempt suicide at least once in their life)
If Noah has undiagnosed bipolar disorder, getting proper medication could radically transform his life for the better
No shame will work magic.
Noah is totally over complicating his situation.
1. Yesterday is the past. Focus on a positive mental attitude. Every day starts with a clean slate. Why you gott try to figure out old behaviors? You dont need to Noah.
2. Dont fck'n drink no matter what. Noah, why TF dont you talk about relapse prevention safeguards?
3. Get off social media for at least 24 months.
4. Homie is doing the same thing - same behaviors - GET OUT OF THE SPOT LIGHT showing off your mad max cross-fit and showing off your six-pack.
Noah doesn't wanna hear this.... criticism. He gets butt hurt.
Mindfulness, I like this kid (similar age). Noah he is right tho, f yesterday except the good times but even then... Take care of your family and you. If you drink 4x a month at home and take care of wife and kids and money ... who cares. If you drink and drive ... or dwell on past, yeah no good. Screw social media, don't drink - read EASYWAY. AND journal daily. BEFORE entering the youtube/ camera. You will have iller content and be healthier. Respect.
Love number one, I need that drummed into me.
I don't subscribe to this channel but I search for videos about alcohol recovery and this channel keeps showing up. Noah, my advice to you would be to unplug from TH-cam and just work on yourself. I don't think that what you are doing here is healthy.
I'm sorry my friend but the sudden stops in the background music makes it seem like a parody even if its not.
I appreciate the feedback 🙏🏻
Look man, I’ve been following you for a long time and thanks for the vids. But it’s like every other video is a new crisis. You need to get out of your ass. You really spend WAY too much time thinking about yourself. You need to focus on other things or you’ll continually be unhappy.
❤🎉
I subscribed for the TRT advice and experiences, not this.
His channel and life, tbh.
You who reading this,i invite you to islam
Love your vids. I share your journey. good to know I am not alone. Also, you are not alone.