I didn't know they were a NARCISSIST!
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 19 ก.ย. 2022
- If you ever want to support my work bit.ly/3FWA1Ez
Narcissism is toxic to any relationship. But it seems like today, it's sometimes hard to spot who is and isn't a narcissist. My goal is to help all of us steer clear of getting involved with anyone with narcissistic traits.
Marriage is all about commitment and faithfulness and trust and connection and friendship and intimacy. Are you prioritizing those in your relationship? If not, there's really no point in even getting married. That is how we HAVE a great marriage. That is what LOVE requires of us. They aren't add on's. They are essential to a healthy marriage. You can stay together, but the presence of respect and emotional safety and closeness and playfulness is what makes a relationship thrive. And it's possible for you!
#narcissist #marriageadvice #anxiousattachment
The term 'Narcissist' is thrown around a lot these days. But for those touched by the worst kind of narcissist, the covert/shy/vulnerable.. may God be with you. They will truly ruin your life and leave an echo of blackness in your heart and soul which takes years to understand let alone heal. Love to fellow survivors. You are strong.
Yes… he was nothing like was described in this video … that’s why it was such a vile shock and betrayal
Exactly! My covert narcissist ex acted shy, and nice, swore he'd never hurt me, didn't show any aggression in the beginning... He had very much a "harmless little guy" vibe and he was nothing like what is described in this video. It wasn't a parade of red flags that I ignored. I think my ex is a sociopathic narcissist type, so he was able to keep his true colours hidden for longer.
I did it, I finally got away from my covert narcissist! It was a process. With different stages of my personal development. After the realization that the relationship does not me any good it still took me 10 years until he was finally gone. The last year was very hard... But I would like to say that the narcissist did not leave a blankness in me. Actually, I realized that all my actions had a reason, my key decisions where absolutely mine - and this removed his power over me. He is who he is and he will never change. I don't want to waste my energy on ruminating over him. I am sure that I don't want to walk along him in this life anymore. I have so many wonderful things waiting for me! Therefore, I feel relieved, light and curious for my future. No regrets, no contempt, lots of dreams to come true ahead.
❤
I am a man coming out of a very abusive relationship with a covert narcissist female. She has torn me to pieces while I gave her everything we shared, including my children. She used blackmail, deception, gaslighting, and shaming. She was miles ahead of me. Anyone who got around her immediately thought I was the one who "needed help." She is an actress, always playing the victim.
Absolutely
Unfortunately, many of us entered these relationships when we were too young and clueless to understand what we were seeing. Or we missed the red flags because we grew up with a narcissistic parent and it all felt normal….till it didn’t.
That's why the modern man always seeks the young gullible women who have no experience so they can manipulate them to accept being treated like doormats and think that this is love. As long as he provides he's free to walk all over her and have other relationships outside of marriage 😢
Exactly!
Every word!
💯
Facts
Most of us who miss the red flags are childhood trauma survivors. We're used to being treated like that. Good therapy helps. It's a slow go but it will help you see all of it, especially the part you play in their games.
💯🙌💥
It's easy to dismiss the red flags when we think we're "in love". I was lucky or blessed to see and heed the warning signs and got away. Best decision I ever made. A year later I met one of the exes and the stories I heard were crazy scary. I thank G-d I didn't ignore the (very subtle) signs.
Glad to see you say that. I was so sure thst he was right it was all my fault. Totally bouncing back and forth from I hate him to I miss him so much. I got back with him and left him again over and over till I was sure yhst I was so broken and awful that I was destined to be alone. Then my mom said girl you need therapy and we are going to pay for it so no more excuses. It was the best thing that had happened for me in years. That man saved my life. To have a man tell me no you are not awful and no one deserves to be treated this way. He is the broken one and YOU CAN'T FIX HIM. Three years later I met my current husband and for the first time I didn't use passive aggressive tactics to destroy the relationship. I set boundrys he said yep that's perfectly reasonable. I said no ordering me around he said I wouldn't dream of it. I said no name calling and he said the only name I want to call you is mine. I still see my therapist. I am also a huge advocate for others to see one too. I don't know if I would have ever been happy again without his hrlp.
100% - for many of us, it's not that we "refuse" to set boundaries or protect ourselves... it's that we are not even aware of the red flags, the need to protect ourselves, etc. - So here it's important to remember that we are/were not guided by conscious behaviour (hence saying that we could have done it differently), but rather that we were guided by unconscious survival behaviour (yes, maladaptive and dysfunctional behaviour, but that's what protected us in the past, and is not embedded in our nervous system as reflex)
I never knew what love truly was until I learned what it wasn’t from a Narcissist…
What about those of us who were “love bombed” until marriage. My husband was literally loving, caring, and respect until about 6 months into the marriage when the mask started to unravel and he got caught in the lies he has been telling.
@@joharryman1320same here. It wasn't us, it was them.
@@joharryman1320 oh no this is so sad 😥 what a nightmare
I experienced the same thing. She was everything that I asked God for, until about 3 months after we were married. Then the walls came up and the abuse began. I actually adopted 4 kids with her because it was her dream, not mine after 50yrs of age. She upticked her abusive ways and we're now in divorce court and I'm on a temporary order to pay $2500 p/m in child support while she continues at every opportunity to verbally and emotionally abuse and berate me. I'm sorry that you were deceived by that dark soul.
Was signing in to say the very same thing. Narcissists manipulate and wear the mask they think you want. Ask most women once they leave a narcissist, she will never be with one again. I worked as a domestic violence advocate, blaming the victim is horrible. So to blame yourself for being with a narcissist is unhealthy. Are there people who have patterns of behavior who pick them, yes. However, the majority of women I worked with will never pick a guy like this. They have learned the signs and to take their time in getting to know them.
@@stpauligirl65 Thank you.
For the woman in this relationship/marriage now or still healing from emotional abuse - it is not your fault
Sorry i dont agree they accept to be in abusive relationships they participat they need to bé responsable for this and stand up for themselves
@@rahmasamir909 When you genuinely love someone, you see the best in them and believe you can grow together and overcome all the obstacles or work through problems. Especially when you see your partner making effort. When you’re in love, you get blindsided and you stop recognising abuse because of that love for another. And if you’re not knowledgeable about manipulation you won’t recognise that abusers “put just enough effort” to make the relationship survive but never enough to make it thrive and it messes with your perception. Especially, young people, those with big hearts, those who never had a healthy model (e.g. their parents) these people are vulnerable. The fact that life is ugly and not everyone has their best interests in mind is not their fault. What’s the wrong that they commuted: to be trusting? to see the best in their partner? to believe in the best? No, they are not at fault. But life is not a fairytale thus these people need to learn the ugly truth, learn and protect themselves in the future.
@@rahmasamir909you are ignorant.
This is big.
And so hard not to blame ourselves
I think it's also important to acknowledge how charming a narcissist can be. They have studied human behavior, and know exactly what to say to seem completely and utterly appealing. It took me two years to get out of an incredibly mentally and physically abusive relationship, and a year later, I'm still working on my recovery. At least now I have transition from being hurt to being very angry, which is good progress.
I’m so so sorry for everything you went through. If you don’t mind me asking, if you could give another woman advice who is starting that type of relationship but doesn’t know he’s actually a narcissist, what would you tell her to watch out for to avoid the pain you went through?
@@JimmyonRelationships pay attention to red flags. A man in his 40s should have something to show for the decades he has spent in this world. If a man doesn't have adult lodging, has no furniture, no worldly belongings, there's probably a reason for that. If he is constantly accusing you of infidelity, he's probably being unfaithful himself. If he is unable to be a full partner, financially, emotionally, or for adult responsibilities, there's probably a significant reason behind that. If he's jealous, envious, and child like in his responses? Again, there's probably a reason. If your friends don't like him or his treatment of you? They probably have a valid point. Most importantly, do not make excuses for him. It's not his insecurity, his history of addiction, his diagnoses, it's him, and you deserve better.
@@thereseiam Thank you so much for this. I know it will help people.
So true!
Behind each Emotional terrorist there is a mother who enabling him hates u &refuse to see her son grow&thrive. look for that sign. after 21 years i returned her "gifted" amaizing son back to her:)🎉🎉
Narcissists are even harder to spot when you grow with them as parents, makes it look normal
It doesn't matter what the label is, if they are mistreating you, leave, done.
People pleasers are prime “prey” for narcissists. They feed that ego so well and will rarely speak against them because they want to keep the peace and not offend anyone. That’s why it’s so so so important to learn how and when to say “no”. And learn how to spot a narcissist so you can keep a polite distance if you can’t completely avoid them (like at a workplace)
A bonus is that oftentimes you can identify a narcissist by how they respond when you say no. They push back.
People pleasers were often raised by a narcissist. People pleasers are groomed as children to take care of the needs of their parents until death. It’s the responsibility of the people pleaser to learn boundaries and learn to put themselves, first, instead of others. The must learn to give themselves the love and nurturing they often never received as a child.
Honestly growing up with parents who can emotionally regulate is a MASSIVE privilege and HUGE inherited wealth.
Unfortunately I grew up with narcissistic parents. Working on myself so I can go no contact.
I've been married to a narcissist for close to 32 years and I've had enough. Thank you for your amazing advise
Are you sure you’ve had enough after 32 years or just used to the cycle?
@@mariacaballero116What?!? You sound like a female narcissist…😕🤬
please be carefull and read up about how to leave relationships like this, they can get very dangerous if the abuser sees that you really will leave. They can hurt and even murder people, even though you wouldnt think they could/would!
I survived 38 years. 🎉
@@mariacaballero116 I got use to the cycle and am trying hard to find the courage to leave.
My ex once told me, " You need therapy. I don't need therapy, because I've done all the growing I need to do throughout my life and I very much like who I am. I'm close to my goal of being the wisest man in the world."
Oh my gosh. Such an inflated ego right!?
My husband started doing the same thing - telling me he worked on himself and he was in the best place he’d ever been in his life. I was like, no.
Good night talk about delusions of grandeur
😂😂😂
My narc ex called me ten years after break up and seeing him and started lecturing how he has developed himself and I should do this and that to develop myself accordingly.
I think it’s very important to stop saying things like “unhealthy attracts unhealthy” because that isn’t really true, is it?
Healthy, bubbly, kindness and compassion attracts just about everyone. You can be super healthy, meet a narcissist and they will mirror the best parts of you. The healthy parts.
There seems to be a “yeah, but” argument in every conversation about narcissists and their victims, and the “yeah, but” is covert victim shaming because it somehow ends up blaming the victim for having met, dated and fallen for someone who was good at pretending to be a nice person.
3:25
YESSSSS! Thanks for highlighting that. I WAS one of those "happy, bubbly, fun, compassionate people - but marriage to a narcissist for over 36 years has bled me dry of anything but sadness, loneliness and despair. Being blamed ( 'held responsible') for being in this situation just piles guilt onto my shame. :0(
😓
@@j.s.1196 yes!! me too!!
@@j.s.1196 yes. That very bubbliness, outgoingness--all things I worked to be after overcoming shyness--became my downfall. I'm too flirty, I talk to much, I share too much. I'm just too much.
Exactly. Society will always find a way to blame the victim! 😡Toxic individuals using misleading made-up or false words like “codependency” (in order to co-blame the victim) was extremely confusing for me. Because we are supposed to lean on each other for support. But when someone uses the word, “codependent” they actually mean parasitic. Because the narcissist becomes a parasite. They are always take and you always give. It’s not technically a “codependent” relationship where you both give and take and mutually depend on each other for support.
It’s always good to look at the parts of us that we don’t want to look at or the parts that are difficult to even know they’re there. It’s easy to blame others for all of the problems but not as easy to give a hard honest look at ourselves and our own behavior. The ego has to burn 🔥 and of course that doesn’t feel good. A completely faultless person in a dysfunctional relationship does not exist. The good side is that looking at our unwanted parts (or our shadow parts) is life changing. There’s nothing that grows a person faster!
The main difference between a narcissist and the other person is that when the relationship is over, the “normal” person grows from the experience and becomes a better person for it. If you’re not growing and only blaming, then this is not good and you may want to look deeper inside. Unless you want to hold onto blame and think it’s a healthy way of life. It’s the opposite of healthy.
I just ended a 17 year relationship with a narcissist. I moved across the world just to have the quiet in my head to see the light. It wasn’t until I saw my own flaws that I then could not only end the relationship but cut the cords that kept bringing me back. People yes look within to find the answer otherwise you will keep going back. Know the behaviour but also know what you are doing to allow it. Only then you can be free.
Yes!!
"if you even let yourself have boundaries"... I didn't think boundaries were allowed... but you are absolutely right ! We all have to take accountability.
Boundaries are so difficult when we don't know what we deserve in a relationship. It's so hard to know when you're being taken for granted or when you're abandoning yourself to serve someone else =(
@@JimmyonRelationships true
My Therapist taught me how to have clear boundaries with the simple homework of telling people No 3xs a week, It could be the smallest No to start like "No I don't want taco bell tonight." , then build up from there.
Eventually you'll be able to decline an invitation to that event you don't want to go to and you won't feel bad about it at all. 😂
At 1st I couldn't do it and now my "No" is very clear.
It feels amazing when we are true to ourselves.
Hugs
Accountability in abusive relationships is unhealthy. Narcissists are predators. We don’t think like them. Knowing the signs and taking your time might be a better approach. Rape victims or any true victims should not be to blame. Education about narcissism is absolutely necessary not victim blaming.
Can it also be where they don't allow boundaries as a form of control ?
“Unhealthy attracts unhealthy.” 😳😬🤔 💯 true!
I didn't even know something like a narcissist existed when my therapist confronted me with it. Took me a while to get out of his grip without too much damage to my person. I didn't even know that red flags existed. I was taught that loving someone takes a lot of work and just to be eternally a nice girl. Thanks to a mother with narcissist, controlling tendencies.....😕 shaming me for anger that she created in me for ignoring my boundaries always.
I think sometimes that in a healthy society narcissists wouldn't be allowed to exist. They would be either banned from the tribe or un-alived, because of their immense destructive effect on everything good.
Yup
As destructive as they are, narcissists are also human beings. It's dangerous to talk about society taking human rights away from any sort of human being because we've shown that we often over do it and the innocent get caught up in the punishment as well.
@@amattes1960 Yea I totally agree with you that indeed the innocent can get caught up in the punishment of the wicked and that there is a true danger in thinking too black and white about such matters. It's hard to have more subtle and all encompassing conversations online and my message does come from a place of pain and maybe some reactivity due to having been on the receiving end of a covert narcissist's devastating manipulations. Something that has taken my most vital years and thousands of euros to even remotely heal.
Still, there is something to say about the plague of narcissism in society and in my opinion evil has really taken hold of this energy field we call Earth. If humanity can wake up to the fact that evil is real and it manifests in certain people and we can remain wise at the same time, it would still be a good idea to remove these people from society. We can do it in a humane way if that suits you best. Build some alternate reality bubbles for them where they are helped or at least can live comfortably amongst their own kind. Give them all the possibilities for growing healthy food and building a good community and see how they do. At least it will give the non infected souls the possibilty to do the same instead of spending half their lives and savings on healing themselves instead of building community and a better future for those that come after us.
I do think we need to take the damage that true narcissists continuously do very seriously and as a society not accept the kind of devastation that is done to individuals and the world at large. We should at least teach children about the fact that evil exists and teach them what it's like to have healthy boundaries, but that doesn't take away the real threat of the vampire or narcissist as they are called nowadays.
@@amattes1960 we also fail to acknowledge our culpability in the participation of the toxic relationship. The codependent get something out of the relationship as well.
Its complicated when youre younger too. Im getting out of college and inevitably dated or rejected a few people and its tricky to tell between emotional immaturity versus actual narcissistic personalities.
Does it matter?
@@nineteenfortyeight6762gaining maturity is possible, at any age, (not all, some are beyond their years) most early 20 something's still have a whole lot left to learn, but don't realize how clueless they really are. Narcissistic P.D. is not something likely to change for the better. NPD is not as common as some think- some degree of narcissistic traits in a person is much more common, and luckily, may improve, but it requires self awareness, support, practice, mental health care etc. and like any recovery- requires consistent, ongoing work.
Absolutely agree. The emotionally unavailable people are everywhere.
It can be difficult at any age. We were in our 50s and he was very emotionally immature- and I had little to no boundaries. I finally left the relationship and I’m working hard on understanding and improving myself but he will never change.
Males brains don't mature until age 25.
Water seeks its own level in relationships. I was married to a narcissistic person for 18 years. I could complain about it every day. Sometimes I do, lol. But I also have to acknowledge on some level that I chose this (if I want to heal, that is). I'm a recovering codependent and love addict. I came from a dysfunctional family. I was trying to re-live the trauma of my childhood by trying to convince an emotionally unavailable person (my wife) that I really was lovable. It was a trauma bond. She was not capable of loving me. Some people just aren't, and can't, just like my parents weren't able to when I was growing up. I have learned to accept these things, and my role in current dysfunction. I have had to work on myself and recover, because I don't want to and won't deal with a narcissistic person ever again. I love myself, regardless of who loves me or is present in my life. And female narcissists do exist lol. My family is living proof of that.
I am so impressed by you! Your story and healing journey are amazing!!
so, did you leave or stay? is it possible to stay and get better, even with that toxic person in your life all day?
@@katjongeward7155 I did a ton of counseling and recovery work. I started to put up boundaries (like I'm not ok with homeschooling our children anymore, and I need us to work on and prioritize our emotional connection regularly). She didn't like my boundaries and she filed for divorce. I believed that you should work on things no matter what. She didn't. I think you can stay and get better, but if the other person doesn't work on their stuff then things falls apart. If you aren't at the same level of health or toxicity, then it isn't sustainable, and/or the attraction/pull fades. There's a great book on this dynamic (The Human Magnet Sydrome).
If you were robbed at knife point would you say: it was my fault for wearing an expensive watch, for going to the City, for not double locking the door ?? Really ?
@@ThePossumone I don't think it's fair to compare wearing a watch one day or not locking the door with years of living with a narcissist. It's not the same. But seriously, if you want to heal you have to accept your part in family dysfunction. If you don't, then you run the risk of being in the same situation again.
Let's do not victim blame!!.
Vctims of abuse do not invite trauma, abuse, neglect, or bullying.
Let's be sure and keep the blame where it belongs !!
The perpetrator, narcissist, bully, traumatizer is the one who is the predator and does whatever they have to do to inflict their pain upon others just to make themselves feel like a big person or feel better/have power !! Please do not blame victims !!
That is ridiculous and abusive in itself... sad to blame victims for anything that evil people choose to do to them !!!!
What some evil people will stoop to may surprise you....And, the kind/amount of sabotage, manipulation, backstabbing they CHOOSE do to others is traumatizing and mind blowing .
Yes.
I didn't know my husband was a narcissist and unfortunate for my daughter, she seems to be caught in that destructive pattern as well. My 19-year relationship/marriage ended in divorce 13 years ago, but the damage to my daughter was already done. My heart breaks for her and all I can do for her now is listen to her and bring her back to herself and doing good things for herself and emotionally grow personally. I hope that one day she will see her worth and put herself first sooner than I did when I was with her father. 😞
I know your comment is kind of old and everybody is different, but I was that kid. My mom and father were together for 6 years after I was born and it was chaotic to say the least, my mom ended up divorcing him (majority custody) and pretty much raising me herself.
I began to see my father for who he was and grew up in a decently stable environment. I'm a lot different now but I know that everything that happened saved me a lot more pain.
You may think you're too late to save your daughter, but in many ways you already have. She may have to unlearn a lot of unhealthy thinking and self-doubt. She may have picked up a few scars from bad relationships. But she won't be broken.
More likely than not she'll learn to be fiercely independent, highly perceptive, and refuse to budge on her healthy boundaries. Her life may not be "perfect" but she'll do just fine. Just be there for her in the way she needs and don't beat yourself up
I divorced my ex when my son was only 5, after 5 years of trying to keep it together for the "family" by 5 years, I knew full well I had to get away, with my son for his sake, I could not bare the thought of my son growing up thinking that is normal behavior for a nan....
RUN...FOR YOUR KIDS!!!
@@HunterLvyiXIII Thank you for writing this. I have two daughters in the middle of so much emotional abuse right now, and I left their dad 10 years ago. Somehow, he got so much worse the last year, and they (we) have been in his line of fire for the last 18 months. One of my daughters now has a life-threatening illness-- he's contributing to her sickness and anxiety/sliding backward with his behavior, negativity, and intimidation. So glad to hear your perspective! Congrats on seeing the light and being okay through it all. We need to hear your voice!!
So many of us grew up with toxic relatives. It has taken me years to spot the poison.
My daughter told me last night that I had never called her for a hug. Shes 20, often jumps into bed with me. I normally keep scrolling, I never knew I was this way, I see affection as a chore, my mother was abusive to the point of hospitalisation. I now realise affection is a problem and actually makes me feel nauseous. I gave her q massage on her tummy as she's single pregnant, and she cried. I will try harder now. This video was a gift. Not just for sexual or relationship closeness. Bless.
Try to learn about avoidant attachment style to underdstand yourself. Wish you all the Best in learning how to be a better person/father.
Oof! Look into the personal development school. 67 bucks a month for all of the content. The content helps you heal your core wounds and reprogram your subconscious. It will help you to become securely attached. The program promises break throughs in 30 days. It only took me a week for me to resolve the "defective" core wound I had. I'm atheist but if I were religious, I'd say god changed my life. That is how profound of an impact the work had on me.
I was a fearful/disorganized avoidant. This is the hardest attachment style to help. I was incredibly resistant to therapy because, of course, that's a key feature of that particular attachment style. I don't have enough fingers and toes to count the amount of times I had been sexually violated by men. Parentified. Went to 13 schools in 12 years. I got trauma on trauma on trauma.
The course has helped me to feel safe again. My body stopped taking off on me. The emotional dysregulation evaporated. I lost 100lbs in less than a year without exercise. I healed my dysfunctional relationship with my mother (she is still crazy but I have healthy boundaries now). I stopped drinking alcohol.
I have a completely different life 1 year after completing 30% of 1 course. I didn't even finish it!!!
Please look into it.
My ex-husband wore a mask. I thought I was getting a caring, communicative, loving, moral, and honorable man. Three months after our marriage his mask came off. I never had heard of a narcissist. This was in 1982, before computers. And quiet frankly, I don't think the psychologist I went to later---after I divorced him---didn't know anything about narcissism either.
Many of us were damaged from abuse before we encountered the toxic people and no one did teach us healthy emotional love and traits and I am on a journey at 53 and am being brutally honest with myself and seeing a professional.
@jaymestratton6235 I’m on the same journey at 62. May the road to recovery be a short one. Be strong!
I always thought it was me. If I could find the right words, if I could just be better, if I could just show him then we would be okay. I felt trapped. I came from an alcoholic home and was very broken. I had no business getting married until I healed myself. Everyone told me to stay because of the kids. He was full of rage and abusive and I was scared. So I screwed up. I stayed until I started planning my own death. I begged for help and it was given. I was able to leave and heal. I have fought to protect my kids. They are safe with me.
Jimmy you should be proud of the videos you are making for TH-cam. A truth teller and so many people need your advice!
Well said.👍🏼
Dont forget COVERT narcs they are far harder to spot they will choose what they do based on observing you and are patient for years, decades even, as long as it takes to wear you down slowly to destroy you. Financial abuse is so sneaky ultimately leaving you trapped in many if not most cases its not always no boundaries or low self esteem esp with kids involved
Absolutely. My last relationship was with a covert narcissist and he destroyed me and hurt me on a level I never thought possible.
Same here! I had no idea I was dealing with that! Left me heartbroken 💔
@@GuidingEchoes I hope you're much better now it does get easier with time. After you get over reeling from shock & dismay, living in fight or flight even tho its calm with life settled down. It's so hard bc we could never imagine treating another human being the way they do. Learning your own tolerance & triggers, plus red flags never, ever ignoring them while having pretty fierce boundaries at first can fast track healing, even if it means losing some relationships. I lost some cutting ppl off, got them back after they understood my boundaries. Take care & God bless 🙏
The years, decades part. I had no idea, and I didn’t see the smal signs along the way until it was screaming.
And YES the financial one is huge. It’s where I got caught.
Thank you. You get traumatised by narcissist and are unable to trust after their destructive behaviour.
You're so right =( I hope you can trust again one day, because you deserve real love
But what is the charm of the necrexist? How they manage to impose on smart people like us?
@@user-mm6wn2qd2p narcissistic personality disorder is disorientating youcannot believe that they really do not care and they really will throw away their relationships, nobody has value to them on the long term.The charm is there but you project that they can hold onto a connection but that is where a normal person and a narcissist could not be more different.
Truth
@independentthinker2285 it's only disorienting because you don't have an appropriate sense of self, as the codependent / self-love deficit disorder sufferer. You are other oriented. Of course you're going to be just regulated by someone who is intentionally trying to just regulate you.
That's why the healing focuses on you engaging in self-love. You increase your self-worth and you setting and establishing your boundaries standards and expectations. Once you have these things comma you are appropriately self-oriented. And no one can take from you
OMGGG!!!! If I had any doubt that my husband is a narcissist, holly molly I don’t have it anymore!!!! You described my husband to a “T”… 😮 My life is a rollercoaster, I’m sooo tired 😫 10 years of marriage, 2 years dating before that, how did I miss the signs?!?!? I need to save my kids from this. ❤
Yes you do need to save your kids from him. I was in a bad marriage with a narcissist for 18 long years. This was before we had easy access to helpful information like this on the internet. When I was living the emotionally exhausting roller coaster nightmare I didn't know WHAT was wrong with him, I just knew it was wrong, so wrong. My BIGGEST regret is what my 3 sons went through having a narcissist for a father and what they learned from his very poor example.
Jimmy! Wow! So much truth here! Thank you 💖
You missed the signs because you literally have to be trained on what to look for. The signs are too subtle for an untrained person to spot.
@@janetgd Thanks for saying that. I was mirrored perfectly. Hind-sight is certainly 2020 in this regard.
I saved myself and my kids from just this scenario. My kids were growing up thinking that this was a healthy, normal relationship. I couldn't stomach the idea of them repeating the pattern.
You aren't a mental health professional, but it blows my mind how much more knowledgeable & well spoken you are. You are a worldly treasure.
Thank you for hitting the nail on the head! We teach men to be narcs and teach women to be enablers. That needs to stop.
Be very picky! For Yourself!
You can Love them... And never give them a second thought. ❤
This message is so true. And it gives me power to protect myself from another narcissist. I have to love and respect myself enough to keep myself safe and protected. And push these emotionally immature people away from me. I am not a victim. I have power.
💯. I call it my invisible fence and gate. I can talk to them through it, but if I spot red flags, the gate stays shut!
I wasn’t aware of narcissism until recently. Now looking back, I see a few main reasons for this.
1.) These people mainly wear their mask in public & only take it off behind closed doors. So no one else sees it & you’re left trying to figure out who this person really is alone. The lies & gaslighting only makes it that much harder to figure out.
2.) A lot of narcissistic traits are enabled & rewarded by others & society at large. So you’re left hearing from everyone else just how great & wonderful this person is.
3.) I don’t know how red flags someone is supposed to see at first when the narcissist intentionally lies, manipulates, & love bombs you for as long as it takes to get you where they want you.
Lastly, you see what you want to see. Now that I know my ex is a narcissist, still no matter what evidence I have to show others that know him, none of them would ever see it because “he’s such a good guy.”
I was proud of myself today when I spotted one during a first conversation. He started boasting subtly about his job position and talked about having expensive glasses. He was pretending to act humble about it. Boasting is seriously one of the most telling signs they see themselves above all people. The boast about their kids, jobs, charity, and so on. Shut that door before they get a stronghold on your soul. Many die at the hands of narcissists. AND, having sex with them increases your chances of being murdered. Just get out as soon as possible. keep your distance.
Yes. They don't tell you enough about the sick narcissists that wreck you until you're dead or a shell of your former self 🫣 trying to remember what you used to be and what you stood for 🥹
I was married to a covert narcissist for 38 years. I didn't see any red flags until after we were married. It was like he changed over night.
You’re so right about this. Red flags galore but choosing to ignore them was spot on. x
But I never want you to feel like you deserved to be treated that way! Even if we ignore them, I just want us all to remember that we deserve kindness and respect ❤️
Absolutely!! I learned after 20 years of marriage, and him taking his girlfriend on a date on our 20th instead of me (I didn’t know this until a month later) that I didn’t have boundaries. I stand up for myself now and the narcissist in him hates it. He wants the person I used to be, giving in, coddling, and accepting his idiosyncrasies. I get a lot of whining now or still turning it all around to be the mean one. But then it turns into him trying to figure out his place in this world and our family. He’s not going to change. He’s always going to be manipulative and mean spirited. But, I can find peace in standing up to my narcissist and not giving him what he desires - control. It is almost like my life psychology test to see the narcissist mind battle within themselves. They hate. They love. They hate. They are not bothered. They love. It’s a weird cycle. I should write a book. Lol
Yes you should! Your insights are so helpful!
You just explained my ex narcissist and the cycle he went in!
And are you still with your husband of 20 years? I’m guessing yes
@mariacaballero116 of course... she aint going anywhere! That fear of being alone runs strong!!!
Thank you. I'm 38 and, in the past few months, I realised this was exactly what had been happening to me my whole life. Thank you. ❤❤❤ I do deserve the best, I am worthy. I choose being alone unless the kind of person and relationship is the one that holds up to my values and principles. I am in peace and at ease with that choice. Thank you.
I just lived with narcissist for a year. A narcisist will take any help you offer out of kindness for granted, etc. I can go on describing what I learned this past year, but the most important aspect is
This was a very thought provoking video! I left my narcissistic husband and I still struggle a lot with emotionally processing what happened during the marriage and this video really helped me process some things.
I'm so glad you safely got out. Praying for healing for you Camille.
It takes time, patience, faith, grace and a hell of a lot of hard work mixed with a damn good sense of humor And you will get there Camille because you are worth it.
Sending hugs,
Hope
I wish there was more community among women. Older with younger and vice versa.
This is so true
There are some safehouses who have support groups for those in the community who need support but for many reasons aren't going into shelter. There should be a hotline number for you to call in your area to find out for sure. 🤍
It is NOT your fault you experienced this. AFTER you are fully awakened to the truth of your relationship, and start your healing journey, yes, you need to do the work Jimmy speaks of.
Ouch. So much wisdom and truth in just one video. Appreciate you and all you do for thousands of people. Your changing lives. 😊
You’re so very kind!! I’m still learning :)
I know of lots of men who did not show emotions, controlled their wives through abuse, and controlling money. In the old days this was a man's man. They were supposed to be tough, in control, and emotionless. A good example is old westerns and TV shows. I am thankful this has shifted, but those of us grew up with this type of dad have taken a while to learn differently. I want my daughters and son to do better. 🧡
This guy has never stared into the dead eyes of a narcissist.
Shifty and scary at the same time.
Appreciate this but can you please also address female narcissists. Someone I thought was one of my closest friends was actually a covert narcissist and I know men who are definitely covert narcissists too, much harder to spot than overt ones. Watch out for the perpetual victim who is extremely jealous of others behind closed doors but has a pristine, seemingly empathetic, modest, kind public persona. It’s terrifying when you find out who they are under the mask…
Good advice! Exactly! Those are thw signs!
So often we accept narcissists because we've been taught that powerful men are successful and their power is attractive until their toxic behaviour becomes too much to bear and then depending on the sunk costs we just think..oh well, its been 5 years, maybe Im just over-sensitive. We make excuses for them.
Thank you for pointing out the opposite side's accountability. No one is perfect.
Wow. “Absolute Gold. U neglected & abandoned urself.”
I have asked the women who are older than me. That’s how I found out that my mom was a narcissist. My narcissistic mom led me right into the trap of marrying a narcissist man.
And of course she never taught me to how e boundaries, or what they were.
You are spot on!!👍I was raised by a narcissist! Excellent video!
I’ve done a lot of work on myself! Great to see this content being made available. So valuable!!👍❤️
I did give and give and give. I recreated how my mother treated me with my abusive and controlling spouse. I never had healthy relationships modeled. 💔 I know better now. ❤
OK! Just subbed after seeing your fb reel AND NOW I’M UGLU CRYING ON A FRIDAY MORNING
THANKS JIMMY 😭😭😭
Glad I found your channel, thanks for being here 🤙🏼
This is so kind of you. I love this!! I think your sensitivity is a superpower! :)
This was truly so hard to hear but very accurate. Coming out of a 12-year relationship with a narcissist and addressing the bad example that I had for my own parents growing up is hard. And it's really easy put everything on that. But coming to terms with my mental health issues and how they allowed me to perpetuate that is something I have yet to do. I really appreciate this video although it brought me to tears because it's hard to accept your role in things specially when you have the best of intentions. Just because you are not cruel just because you were kind and just because you stayed doesn't make everything that you did right. Thank you Jimmy for saying the things that are hard to say to ourselves
Amanda, I hope that I can say them with so much Love behind them, because that's all I have for you, I only want the best for you, and sometimes, I had to realize, deep down, I wasn't setting myself up for the best for myself, ya know? And I try to give a lot of advice to the selfish partners of the world, but the uncomfortable other side of that coin is that we have to fiercely love and respect and protect ourselves from self centered partners who only take from us don't we? So sorry for what you went through, and so proud of you for stepping away and getting healthy again. I really hope in time you heal from everything you had to go through. ❤
❤ I 100% relate to this!!!
understanding now that not having healthy boundaries was my role in my failed marriage is a huge eye opener
You talk so so good about all craziness about relationship with narcs in a few minutes ! You got me! Thanks man !
Thank you so much Leila!!
They're borderline sociopaths. If you haven't dealt with it before, you trust them.
All spaths are narcs but not all narcs are spaths
Spot on. Thank you.
I needed to hear this. I'm sharing this withy two daughters. We left their dad three years ago when I determined it was not a physically safe environment. I had no idea about narcissism. I have learned and I'm still learning so much about this. I've gone no contact with him except through attorneys as needed. It's been the safest and healthiest way for me to go. The ount of peace gained is amazing!
Sadly, everything you said here is all very true. And yes, lack of self love and self respect and self esteem, that's a great vulnerabilty and that's what gives them power over ourselves and our lives even. It is extremely hard to come to all these realizations and moreover to move on. Because they manage to keeping us stuck into the belief that all of it is always our fault, one way or the other.
And nobody will tell you shit because they are great at isoling us... And I don't know about your experience, but you know, Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde, when you feel you've had enough and start to open your eyes on dysfonctionnal and toxic stuff, guess who shows up! Sweet Dr Jekyll.
Thank you for this video🙏🏽💕
This is so spot on!! And I'm so so sorry for the pain you've experienced in these toxic relationships. I never want to blame the victim. But I do want to empower people to see these red flags before they get attached to someone so destructive ya know? Thank you so much for this reminder.
@@JimmyonRelationships thanks for your kindness. Oh I saw red flags and still... But yeah, seeing the red flags work only when you know what they are leading you to. I'm afraid I'm not even sure it's enough to make you pull back, when you've never experienced this hell. What I'm almost sure of though, is that it has greater chances to work when you've been used to very healthy and loving relationships, and acquired a strong foundation of self esteem and self confidence. But never underestimate the manipulation skills of toxic people who can really sweep your beliefs away. It's crazy. Smart people tend to question everything and their own abilities and judgment of things; and manipulators use that abondantly to put them under what really feels like a spell. To the point I wonder if we can really be safe without having been the victim of that. Because it's unbelievable and often hard to even tell with words. Self love, self respect are essential to build enough self confidence on our own judgment. But again : all of this comes with experience... Friends are precious. True friends. The ones who are smart enough to see through midst and true enough to speak up. And you're right : there's this illusion that we can change things, make someone better. But there's no such superpower! Peace
@@FairianEdw You have such a way with words and insight. I completely agree, but it is tragic when we all have to learn these lessons the hard way. =(
@@FairianEdw well said. Sadly, we don't often believe just HOW hot that stove really is - until we've touched it!! 🥵
The relationship is cyclical. The narcissist senses when you are either getting a little confident, stronger, or fed up and then they'll love bomb you again, or they'll do something to make you doubt yourself again, or make you too insecure to leave. They create so much drama, that you are reeling, insecure and off balance, in order to keep you in place. Then, when you "can't leave", it's back to the same bad behavior. Mine used to lovebomb me whenever I got a raise, then make another new debt, so we would stay insecurely poor, so I wouldn't feel like I could get out, because "we are in this together", and if I was poor with him, I couldn't possibly live without him. When I caught on to that pattern, it was a key to getting out. I admit it took a while because I had to catch on to all the other games too. For that one, I finally concluded I'd rather be poor and alone than poor and with him.
1:20 hit me hard.. my husband puts everyone above me and when I have tried to tell him this, I’m the problem
As does my wife to me. Let’s talk about the problem, but remember it’s not a problem of gender. It’s a behaviour.
A lot of people are groomed. So unhealthy invites unhealthy, is complete victim shaming.
And in any kind of physics; opposites actually attract.
I am finding that the only way to heal from a covert is to stay away, and to give yourself all the love and appreciation you gave them
Thank you so much for this work! You have helped me so much the past few weeks. Sometimes our brains are wired to accept this type of behaviour
I couldn't mind set my way to becoming narcissist proof
It's taken years and a lot of therapy, building new friend circles and EMDR treatment to recognize unsafe behaviours and be able to express and uphold boundaries. And even just today an enabler tried to gaslight me! It's not our fault that we were/are like this. It is our job to get help and get the fuck out whenever possible and change
I’m so proud of you!!! You’re amazing!
Hell yeah!!!!
31 years with my late spouse. I now think he was probably bipolar, although we didn’t know that term. Possibly paranoid schizophrenia, like his mother, and one of his children. You can never be perfect enough, although they brag about your good qualities in public, at home they belittle you for the same “strengths”. “I thought you were supposed to be so ______!” Or “if you’re so smart, how come you can’t ______? You just don’t get it, do you?” That lashing out because they feel poorly about themselves is still very painful. My oldest son and I discuss it a lot, thank God he is seeking out info on recovery from narcissistic abuse and striving not to be that person. We try not to dwell on the negative, making sure we are moving forward out of darkness into new life and freedom, but this study helps us understand what we’ve come out of. We can ditch our Stockholm syndrome now that we are free from our captor! But it helps so much to know that those days weren’t entirely our fault, and there is a rational explanation for what we felt as well as an acceptable reason for our relief at being free! God bless everyone dealing with this. Sing Your Freedom!
God bless you. You give me hope. Sending you great love. 💜
This is not something to say to someone while theyre in the abusive relationship. Its something i had a hard time to understand. Even though i knew what a relationship was supposed to be like due to my parents, but still ended up with one and continued through it due to my daughter being diagnosed with a heart problem and surgery after surgery. It took 3 years of me realizing something wasn't right with him. Thr angry all the time, yelling at me and my daughter, all because his parents did it all the time. 13 years i went through it until i was finally able to realize he was self sabotaging everything and i finally left. 3 years of healing and realization that i shouldn't have put up with it in the beginning
Thank you for taking ownership of that! I commend you!
Celebrate taking that step to move out of that relationship and keep moving forward. That takes a lot of courage! Congratulations!🎉
There are also narcissists who go around calling others narcissists. I knew a woman who called her “ex” a narcissist. While he was living with her he was also fixing her roof and making a garden for her, etc. -she owned the house. She was forever complaining that he was taking too long on this or that “chore.” He went back to his country of origin for a visit and met someone else and fell in love, and left her, the roof not finished. She had been complaining endlessly about him and now said he was a narcissist. More than anything, she had loved the free manual labor he did for her; then, suddenly, he’d had enough and left - a narcissist???
Have been married to a covert narcissist for 20 years, I really didn't know because I thought what you described: e.g. arrogance --> confidence. Also, I am from another culture so I thought many of his strange ways are the cultural differences (I just have to learn & accept). That's why it took me so long to figure him out. I don't get what I want for the family as long as that's also what he wants & it's beneficial to him. In fact, he had no girlfriend prior to me & he was 30. That should be a red flag. But he said he hadn't found the right girl, now I know he hadn't found the right girl to control, manipulate, make him babies (so he could look normal on the outside) and bully without anyone standing up for her.
He avoids all conflicts and runs away from any problem. We live in the same house but haven't talked for 6 years & it doesn't bother him. He doesn't think for the kids but himself. We have 3 sons. After he failed the first one (I asked him to take care of the teen but he rarely disciplines, trains, teaches & parent so the boy is so lost. Now, I fully take care of the younger two sons. I found ways to show them what healthy manhood looks like, from school, from jiu jitsu, from scouting, from church. No way I am going to make the same mistake again. After 24 years of observation and experience, I realize that whatever he touches, he destroys. He takes no responsibility of anything because it's ALWAYS somebody's fault. Passive aggressiveness, financial controlling, emotional abuse, passivity, asocial, dismissive avoidant, selfishness, laziness, cluelessness, fixed mindset, lack of executive functioning, poor in communication, eating disorder, incompetency, incapabilities...are all his expertise.
He could be autistic too. Sounds a little bit on a spectrum. Npd and autisam have many similar traits, and also a person can have both disorders.
I learned about the grandiose narc. many years ago.
I had NO IDEA my former husband was a COVERT narc. for many years.
Covert narcs are very clever and they make you feel as if you will never be enough for him. And you won’t and no one will ever be enough for them.
Covert narcs have the same goals as an arrogant one-to destroy you but in a sneaky, devious way. They are truly miserable people. What a way to live.
Thank you for the video. Sorry to say that this was true with me 33 years ago I trusted a man that was a covert narcissist and I'm thankful to say that I've been out now for 7 years but the adult children suffer from the after effects of his controlling Behavior. .most of them still haven't woken up.
Most are still in the fog.
Great videos shine a light on narcissists. [So many unaware targets also are currently being & have been financially taken advantage of...]
I married one was very young when we started dating. I figured out after he did everything to destroy me after 23 years together that he was just that a narcicists. We have been divorced 13 years and he still tries to by manipulating our adult children. I will always protect my son and daughter, and now grandson. He can no longer hurt me but boy he still tries. If you are with a narcicists please walk away as soon as possible.
This is SO true!! I ignored and overlooked a lot of things that I shouldn’t have. 😩
The therapist is calling your name. You are needed in this field Thank you for sharing your style, telling the story.
AMEN BROTHER !!! but i would add to it something: there must be a time in everyones life to ask oneself few important questions and also if someone don't know how health looks like because of childhood neglect or something similar they must find answers somewhere else instead of chasing things they know which are unhealthy.
You articulated this so well. Appreciate your video…thank you
That's so kind of you, thanks!!
@@JimmyonRelationships I have a toddler on the spectrum and twin newborns. Will it be selfish of me to leave my narcissistic husband at this time?
@@estherolawuyi4204 It's never selfish to leave a narcissist.
@@estherolawuyi4204 It will be a very special gift to yourself and your children to get out.
Omg I'm married to one and it's a living nightmare
Thanks, Jimmy. I’m with an alcoholic and just set a boundary. I know that everything’s going to come right if I keep on with it. Things are probably going to look a lot different, but it’s also going to be a lot better. Thank-you for the support!
your content is so dense and soothing, always a fresh perspective. As a gay guy now I realize most of my relationships were about competition and dependency instead of cooperation and partnership. It is being very hard to feel good by myself and not depend on projected expectations.
1) If they charm the arse off you the first time you meet, run for the hills! Full stop.
My two sisters and I talked about why we made the choices we did. It was conditioning - home, church, culture. We were desperate to be loved. We had no clue. I actually did see red flags in my dating relationships. So I dodged two bullets … only to stand as a target for very covert abuse.
My sister put it beautifully. We grew up thinking love was wanting, never actually having
This is excellent, and so true.
Thank you so much for clarification! I was raised by a very dysfunctional single parent then went on to lead a life where I accepted that behavior as normal. That did not work out so well. With therapy and a goal of healing I now recognize my own self sabotage. I’m on the better side of recovery from that abuse and am learning boundaries. Thank you for your content.
So true. Find your vids helpful and informative since people know about narcissism so little until is too late. Thanks for your great and entertaining vids both on TH-cam and TikTok. Keep up great job!
Thank you so much!
I’m here to let you know I’ve followed for Emily. Came from another platform after she showed off her menstrual cup on another platform. And just so happens, I had a look around here, and love your content and the TH-cam community! 🎉❤
You're so very kind! She said Thank you =)
Yes!!! This is all true! I married a narcissist, and I didn't know it for many years because I was taught, and believe that self-sacrifice is a virtue (but I didn't understand that it MUST be mutual. But I learned, and got out.
You are amazing brother! I love your creativity and message and your eyes are sparkly like a kind soul. thank you
Thank you - This is very important information regarding romantic relationships, but I'd like to add if I may, that this applies, in different ways to friendships too! I had to end one friendship with a very toxic, narcissistic woman several months ago and recently I became aware that this was at the heart of problems I was having with another friend. Fortunately I've only run into this a couple of times, but they certainly are valuable learning experiences!
Wow!
I just discovered your channel and thank you. You are saving relationships.
If only you spoke at middle schools, imagine how you could help heal the World with your videos. Oh yeah You tube. Lol
Thank God for You Tube and Tiktox. Maybe these same messages but apply to middle school kids also, Which, we know is where it all starts.
Well Done Sir!
😁
Thank you so much for these kind words Hope! I'm right there with you! I wish I could help middle school kids understand how important their relationships are and how damaging their parents might have been to their future success with them =(
@@JimmyonRelationships I'm sharing your videos with everyone I know.
God Bless You.
@@HopesAlive4Knucks You're so kind Hope
@@JimmyonRelationships I keep thinking about the kids and knowing where it all starts.
Just a thought- Maybe you could come up with your message at your Church, Sunday School or Youth Ministry.
My Brother is Special Needs and his program is teaching him about "Grooming" , Boundaries Good/Bad touch etc. He is 62 years old and I'm 55.
We need to teach the children about Narcissist & Empaths Boundaries, Communication, Abuse (mental/physical) Self Love and how NOT to go thru life with unhealed childhood traumas which create repeated traumas.
Thanks again Jimmy.
God Bless You
Absolutely everything he said. Ignored my gut, had fantasies he'd go back to that love bombing man I met. Got deeply entrenched and still digging out of the wreckage of both of us.
I really like how you put that. Thank you so much. I'm making plans now to be independent. I have spent the past 11 yrs very ill. I had a brain tumor followed by a lot of surgeries. I was very disrespected and taken advantage of in my marriage. before my illness and during recovery. Now that I'm better its getting worse again. My husband seems to be content only when I'm quiet, compliant and he gets to be the hero, martyr or victim.
Words of wisdom for sure. Nothing sexy about a man like that. And from experience I can tell you it’s hell being married to one.
And you are correct. Broken married broken.
I hope you don’t feel at all judged in that statement. I was unhealthy marrying unhealthy as well :(
@@JimmyonRelationships I don’t feel judged at all. And I am working on my issues. If he would, we could have all marriage was designed to be. But he’s terrified of emotions and intimacy and all of that. So… I am getting happier by the day as I work on my own issues and heal.
It’s not my fault that I was emotionally neglected and did not have healthy love modeled to me. It is my fault if I choose to not be intentional about changing my relationship to show love with respect & selflessness.
Love this self reflection.
15-20 years ago the term narcissist or gaslighting is another one- they weren’t hdown around. I’m just now learning about these terms and looking back I’m like holy cow, this is eye opening. I wish this info had been around when I was in my 20s.
All of this is hitting me like a brick wall ..I feel disgusted by allowing anybody mistreat me like this and I take full accountability for my part where I allowed him to overstep my boundaries .Its tough lesson to learn,almost like I wish he really was this person as I saw him before becouse one’s you see the truth you can never look at them the same way again.I just kept believing he will evolve into a best version of himself,but it was not my job to save him.I wish more ppl learn this rather sooner than later.
True except for trauma bonding. I tried to leave multiple times over 12 years and not only went back quickly but pretty much begged him to take me back. Then after my self esteem became even lower. What you're saying in this video can add to this horrible loop. When I finally was able to leave it was only because I had just learned about trauma bonding.
Absolutely Jimmy! Self love self worth and boundaries is protection from the narcis stop giving them the benefits that they never deserve they only going to lead you to hell.
Yes, so vital that we know that we are worthy of respect and kindness and not to be taken for granted.
Absolutely Jimmy! And thank you keep doing what you do.
Yes! I was down and out -don’t look for a relationship when your depressed!!
This hit hard, it’s all so true ☹️🥺
I owe myself the biggest apology.