Professor Vaknin, I was married to a malignant narcissist for 17 years. I left with my children in 2003 and he delayed the divorce until 2008. During those 5 years, he stalked and harassed and sent flying monkeys to harass. It was pure hell. Fortunately, I discovered your blog and followed it. Because of what I learned from you, I was able to defeat him in court and won full custody with no visitation rights for him. Thank you for helping me. I will be forever grateful.
It’s been three months since I filed divorce from my covert narcissist of a 14 year marriage. He got exactly what he wanted, a reverse discard so he could be the victim. I’m still so sad that he could just take 14 years of my constant forgiveness and compassion and patience and mercy and then just discard it like it was it was worthless and it was never enough for him. He’s a “Christian” covert narcissist, but he’s anything but “Christ-like.” I’m i’m so much pain form the grief because I actually loved him with “true love,” I didn’t want to get divorced. I was willing to love him, even knowing he was a narcissist… But I guess I wasn’t willing to live in a black hole void marriage, where I am not loved not even at all. We have a three year old and it’s DEVASTATING. 😭🥺😩
@@magicmegan4290 I am so sorry this is happening to you. After I left, I spent several years having to reprogram my brain from the damage he had caused. I wish you the very best that life has to offer. 🙏❤️
Wow! Respectfully, Dr. Vaknin, that last sentence proved your NPD Credentials!!! I'm 49 yrs in married to a covert narc. I found out what he was 7 yrs ago. I'm broken down physically, mentally and financially. Narcs don't have the understanding that you do.(I know you know that, just please don't ever forget it.) Even understanding your dissertations, I feel that narcs refuse to introspect. Somehow I still have a measure of love for him, but often I feel hatred for him. I have memory loss so it helps me to forget some of the terrible things he has done to me. He devalued me on the morning of our honeymoon, right off the bat. Many times I wonder how you are still married. (Me too!) I started to add an emoji but it's not funny in the least.
Sooooooo very happy for you! 🙌 I am almost finished with this unbelievable nightmare divorce! 🙌 I thank GOD for protecting me and keeping me the entire time! Thank you JESUS!!!🙌🙌💚
I did too! I knew something was off. It was less than 5 months but it was long distance. He traveled to my country To visit a couple of times. But he didnt see that coming!
@@PATISLAV For a more accurate description of narcissism, google the DSM-5 handbook on mental health disorders. just because someone suffered childhood trauma that doesn’t make them a narcissist, they could become an empath, or a people pleaser.
When you discard the narcissist they turn into the biggest victims in the world. They cry to everyone about how you treated them so badly, even though the opposite is true. They deny everything they ever did wrong and they will turn people against you. I'm so amazed at their ability to get people to believe them.
It is absolutely astounding how many people have wished me unhappiness because of the things he has said. Most people put us in the same category as far as "we need to learn to be more understanding of each other." It shocks me every time I hear that. I was told a few weeks ago that we are unhealthy and we need to leave each other alone if we can't treat each other well. I thought okay I pay all the bills. He has no job. I bend over backward to make him happy. I make excuses for everything he does. I don't have any expectations for him. I'm not controlling, and so on. I'm definitely bad for him and I should stay away from him but not because I'm unhealthy or mean to him. He can get anyone to listen to him lie about me. Without ever questioning a word of it people will absolutely believe everything he says. It has gotten to the point when I find out he's smeared my name to others. I refuse to discuss it with them. I tell them to believe what they would like, and then I let my actions tell the truth.
It is UNBELIEVABLE how they turn YOUR people against you and sit back like they ain’t did nothing. It’s CRAZY. Thank GOD MY people know who I am. Trick no good wit my family.
@@teesahurt2074 yup. The only people who believe him are his family and friends. He’s been charged with 5 felonies and anyone can go online and see his confession (he confessed in a police interview) through the court system if they just type in his name. The fact they willingly choose to stand by a rapist shows everything I need to know about these people. So tbh I could care less what the hell they think about me. They’re the ones who have to sleep at night knowing that they’re standing alongside someone who admitted to doing horrible things. He’s technically facing 5 felonies and spent Christmas in jail. His bond was $100k, so I’m sure his family loved paying bail for him 🙄 And for his lawyer 😅 lmao they did get real close to being charged with witness tampering but their lawyer must have stepped in and warned them because the police working on my case called and told me that they caught them during his phone calls planning ways to get me to drop charges. What snakes.
I hope not. I used prof Vaknin technique and told her she deserves better than me. She's been quiet ever since, probably being to busy hunting for the new supply. Here's to hoping, at least!
My shitty mom tried to contact me through some relatives from time to time. Which only results in blacklisting of such relatives. I can imagine that rage. How dare I))
Thanks @stroNg2thaBoNe2thaMax!! Your advice means I'm free 🆓! FOREVER ♾️!! I regretted it once, went back and had to cut 📴 contact again. I'm free!!!🤸♀️😂
I discarded the narc before she could get past the point of love-bombing and bread-crumbing. She has launched vicious smear campaigns, baited, provoked, laid traps and even tried to involve police in her manipulations for these five years since. I do not respond in any way, shape or form which has stoked her rage and desperation. She will continue to fail because I know exactly what she is and she knows I know. No Contact is the best way to deal with these predators.
Almost 2 and a half years and my Narcissist still attempts to contact me. The hoovering is a constant reminder of what great narc-supply I was and it motivates me to strengthen my boundaries.
I'm not sure I look at it that way. I was shit supply, challenging the narc, standing up for myself, not always contacting it first, not reacting to silent treatment, not always paying for things, telling it was not healthy to need external validation, etc. Around the 3 month mark I discarded the nex - no hoover yet :)
I don't know which was the most challenging...trying to cut off from my n.ex or giving up smoking lol...though the quitting of cigs after the number of years that I have smoked cigarettes certainly contributed towards being rid of the n.ex cause when he just appeared outta the blue, as was his predictable yet unpredictable timing, strategy to attempt to disarm my boundaries and try to worm his way bk in, I couldn't abide the smell of his cig smoke, I made him stay in the kitchen, the window wide open and kept telling him to get out of my way and that his cigs stink...I don't suppose even 'he' could believe he was welcome...but of course, as usual he 'just had to' project his discomfort of not being made welcome, back on to me.... I have 33 unread txts and they are remaining unread... will he try to hoover me bk in...that is the million dollar question, but he won't win. He used to try to mock the crystals under my pillow, as pebbles, shout in my face that he's an atheist , tell me I'm too deep, however I'm the more peaceful one, within myself, between us both and it stings and confuses him that he can't break me... This may or may not help anyone, but I deeply believe in Universal Source Energy as being our Creator/God/Father Who Is Everywhere...'no one' is allowed to take away my state of being, that I choose to live, which is heaven, to then descend me into their state of being which is their personal hell, not for any reason, let alone their refusal to face their inner demons. I speak from experience of having survived more than one relationship that was of Narcissist tendancies, though in my marriage there was no information available as there is now.. No one could ever hurt me as much as my ex husband did via the children, simply because I divorced him, he projected it all on to the children, not having the capacity in him to accept and face that he'd failed at what he had promised, his unreasonable behaviour creating grounds for divorce... Just heal yourself from whatever has been bestowed onto you via projection etc, it is possible, especially now with all the guidance that is available... Find who you were before it all, think of it as a life lesson, not a life sentence... Bless you all...🌸💞🇬🇬
I was the family “ scapegoat “ all my life. Was diagnosed with ADHD, bipolar and Asperger’s….. I have believed for years I was defective and hid away really. I have moved away from family and have experienced smearing…… I am no longer afraid and have gone No contact with all but one ….. ( dont over share anymore)….. I am at peace and my need for “ revenge” has disappeared. I no longer have to over explain or defend myself…… it’s fantastic….. peace ✌️
Amazing material. This is exactly what the narcissist in my life did. 'I was willing to work on the relationship, but you weren't. You broke up with me. I am good, I was willing, you weren't willing, you aren't good'. hahahaha. Amazing. This is bullseye Sam.
Living in isolation after a brutal 11 yr dust up with, in my humble opinion, an undiagnosed narcissist, I haven’t laughed out loud in I don’t even know when. Can’t recall the last time I heard my own voice. Scared my dog half to death & paused the video after the introduction to ride out the moment for all it’s worth. Thank you for being you. I don’t usually comment but am compelled to express my appreciation the work I can only imagine the work you’ve had to do personally on Sam Vaknin to put out this incredibly important content in the uniquely digestible way you do. Not sure where I’d be today had I not stumbled upon your channel. At the time, for the first time & not for lack of searching, you managed to speak in a language that resonated with me. Your content has educated me, told my story, validated what I experienced, gave me efficacy, something solid to stand on, truth about what I never thought could happen to me & exactly how it happened. But even more important than that, I needed to know the origin of narcissistic abuse. How did this person who I loved with my whole heart become so afflicted. What had happened to him b/c I don’t believe anyone is born to destroy. I had all kinds of indicators his mother was a monster but I couldn’t figure out what she did specifically. For some reason understanding the origin of his pathology helped me hold on to my compassion as a person instead of allowing my anger to poison me. I have deep sorrow for him & compassion for the innocent, beautiful child he once was. I imagine the fear he must have to mitigate every day walking thru the world dependent on what he can’t control or provide for himself. Understanding the reasons why he caused me such a heartbreaking, soul crushing, de-stabilizing & identity stripping nightmare has allowed me to depersonalize much of the damage. I’m still struggling, I feel forever altered & I have no idea if I will find what I need within myself to cobble together a self I can be proud of. But at least I know I didn’t lose my natural ability to feel for others & that’s better than being dead inside. It’s been awesome to see you evolve as a content creator. It been kind of a blossoming of sorts to watch you share elements of your personality that truly feel authentic. Thank you.
Hi thanks for sharing, I too spent sooooo much time trying to understand the orgin of my narcissist mother she died when he was a little boy I think age 7, he had a father and older brother I use to ask and ask over over what did you feel when your mom passed (Cancer) did they help you through the grief was she consumed by her poor health unable to give you the attention, on and on I felt deeply sad for him and that's what kept me hanging on, yet I was falling apart every which way, 12 years I get angry I had to re build my life yet I too played a part because I had no self worth or boundaries, huge lessons lead to beauty. I wish you the best stay strong
Brilliantly Written Expression of Experience ! You are right to talk of the pain that created the dissociation & internal emptiness of the narcissists early formation Your compassion survived the trauma of your relationship You express the other side of the relationship without the usual hatred that is normally all that is left after so much pain May you heal & find your voice so you can laugh and feel whole again ✍🏻❣️
I can so relate! I always figured it was some Capricorn/red-headed stubbornness that kept me searching for the origin. For the longest time it was thinking if I could figure out *how* it could be worked on. Then it was simply trying to find a reason. I understood SO much of how he got to be that way. My fundamental error was that I assumed people want to be happy. Narcs seek chaos and conflict because it makes it easier to manipulate. We were married 17 years, been out for 9, and it took almost 5 to get divorced. Thank God it's pretty rare, now, but he still pops up from time to time to try and stir up trouble.
Thank you for your beautifully written thoughts. These are things I've agonized over for so many years but couldn't see out of the fog. I'm very thankful for this channel and others that helped me to find the trail to healing. Blessings to you.
I experienced narcissistic abuse at work, and before I could name what I experienced, I knew that me as me in this game didn't matter that anyone could have been in my place. I was just a commodity. Exactly like Sam said.
This happens especially if you are set up by a narcissistic boss who wants to have an affair with you. It's a no win situation. If you refuse he destroys you. If you accept he destroys you anyway. I did the former. It was a really really bad not least of all because he was indulged by the head of personnel who believed every lie he told. In the end both of them lost their jobs but they'd managed to destroy me in the process. Still recovering.
Truth, and when you realize this you know you will never be accepted for who you are and have the ability to grow. That is my saving grace. I need to keep focusing and not loose the dream.
Yes exactly, it could be anybody they choose to pick on, like a bully. If you let them they will get under your skin and make you act out of character. It's exactly what they want. Stay silent and let them make an ass out of themselves, best way to handle a narcissist coworker 💯
I developed reactive narcissism as a result of the marriage and discarding him is the best thing I ever did. The best part is that I don't care what stories he tells himself about me. He'll never find the calibre of woman I am. At this point he's a collapsed narcissist and will remain so for the rest of his life. The best part is that he has ageing to contend with. He took a big L and I love it.
@@kstev7 Indeed, he did but guess what, unlike him, I'm not afraid of looking at myself in the mirror and healing my traumas so it stops with me! That's where I win. My children are witnessing, alchemy, healing and healthy choices and decisions as they grow up. The game has forever been changed.
So as a daughter who has separated from her malignant narcissist mother, I am also now in her mind, her rejecting mother. I recently was surprised when she attended a family reunion she avoided for years. I suspected I'd experience hoovering. Instead she made a show of avoiding me. It was strange but something of a relief.
Wow, professor... that hit me soo hard right now. I was the first to discard my covert narcissist husband. It was almost 2 years ago. He filled for divorce shortly after I escaped with our little son. We're not even halfway. The divorce is pure hell. I couldn't understand why he victimized himself during this time. I didn't realize that he's going through his childhood trauma once again. He did everything he could to destroy me. And he's always with his mother... she makes everything even worse. They convinced many people that I was the abuser... Thank you for your videos. They helped me from the beginning
In my situation, after a disagreement, I made the choice to leave. About a week later, she asked for another opportunity from me. I granted her a fresh chance. However, some weeks down the line, she ended our relationship (I recall her saying, "I experienced what you're feeling now," almost as if she intended for me to feel abandoned). Roughly one or two weeks later, she was already in a new relationship. Sam, your statement about us being replaceable, similar to grains of rice, a commodity, or easily exchanged, is indeed accurate. Your videos played a significant role in helping me recover and perceive the truth. Your teachings have provided the closure that many of us were seeking. Thank you once again.
I’m currently in the situation which I met a woman online and we started a relationship in which she is very loving and attentive, pays attention to the details of my life, does nice things for me is polite and courteous to my friends, and even her career consists of taking care of mentally ill elderly people. She recently flipped a switch on me after a minor Disagreement and for a couple days, treated me as if I was a annoying child who deserved to be ignored. I cut her off the other morning and she’s been trying to contact me ever since… My gut tells me she will do exactly what happened to you space get me back just to dump me.
I recall that in one of the videos on hoovering, Professor mentioned that the whole aim for the Narcissist is to hoover and then instantly to dump you to “teach you a lesson”.
OMG!!!!! I have lived everything you are talking about after 3 relationships with these kind of ppl, but when you said that , “ they go around trying to find a replica of me “ the mic dropped!!!!! One of the narcissist I know went on not only looking for another me , but purchased two houses and moved to my home town thinking there was “lots of me” everywhere. Sick !!!!
I think I can relate to this because I kinda think that "she" tried to find a replica, but that didn't work and I feel she's trying to find an opening to somehow get back in. I don't think I care about that
It’s strange how they attack you so much but never is able to stand up to the biological mother that actually harmed them…. My soon to be ex-husband is going to b right back with her and finish his days under the spell of her narcissistic manipulation that never allowed him to become a man. 🙁🙏
@@Kristedlove333 Yep! They are boys that never became a man no matter how old they are and their bitter demon driven mothers is the center of it all…. She creates toxic relationships that in turn creates more toxic relationships. Anyone that are not willing to submit to the toxicity (sinful behavior) as normal is outlasted. I am proud to be outcasted from a clan of people lacking morals and values in God’s light…. I would NEVER give up God willingly for anyone; including a whole clan of people working for the devil; knowingly or not! It’s sad how they all are so broken and no one wants real peace, love, and joy. 🙁🙏
These people are truly sick, if this is how they navigate relationships and go through life. Wow… I was blind sided by my relationship with my narcissistic ex husband and I’ve learned so much since. I was just a gullible and naive lamb out for the slaughter… had no clue about the disorder or that I was an abuse victim. I discarded my narcissist tho 💪🏾 who knew people could be so cruel
They are very inadequate as people and don't want to change. You are very strong and a worthy person. They are weak and unworthy as people. The cruelty and harshness is to cover up their overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and shame. It's that simple. I just had someone try to overwhelm and embarrass me and I just walked away. They know what they are doing. Cowards.
I'm 45, and I had no clue people like this existed. I discarded my 9 month girlfriend before she could devalue me. I suffered a lot though because I truly loved her; however, I knew something was inherently wrong after 4 months of relationship.
I had to discard my dad. He sexually abused me as a kid and thought I had forgotten. When he realized that I remembered and that I had a photo, his face began to change in front of me. He began to steal my life savings then her left town. I was held hostage for much of may life. Until age 22 I wasn't allowed to leave the house or learn to speak English. I was not allowed to see a doctor. I had no money. An aunt tried to help by buying a house and put it in my name. However, my dad's name is the same as mine. He was easily able to sell my house behind my back!! I'm ashamed to take him to court. No one would believe and the people who knew are old and dying now.
You got this!!! Take him to court! It is your responiablity now to hold him accountable. You don't want to regret that later in life. If you hear that he raped someone else and you could have changed that. Thats gonna hurt
I’m sorry u had to go thru that. Now that you know his game, you can remain mentally healthy while you take him to task. If you have to, pretend you forgive him long term and manipulate him to make a will giving everything he had to you. Don’t try to change or help him for real. Narcs don’t change. Or take him to court and get yourself into therapy. It’s always best to do thing the legal ethical proper way whenever possible. The arm of the law is long and often slow but archs in the direction of justice. Don’t assume people won’t believe you.
Every time I’d try to walk away he would come back, but without offering anything meaningful or committed. He’d say I pushed him away and was mean when I was trying to put up boundaries and tell him the truth about my feelings after he had lied. On our first date he was texting his mom. He was constantly smiling and comparing me to her. I’d never researched this but the mother fantasy makes so much sense. The confusion was almost debilitating in the end. Still healing and thankful for the resources. I just kept believing it would change until I finally understood it won’t.
I didn't even know what a "covert narcissist" was a few days ago. I just told an old school friend who has been texting me for 7 months that "I feel rotten after I talk to you, every time... and I don"t want to feel rotten anymore." His reply text, "I can't be friends with a person who can't discern good from evil." lol. The baiting + gaslight attempt in that sentence alone. If he needs to believe that HE discarded me, so be it. I just hope it's permanent.
Shocked my CN wife with surprise divorce papers after I had gathered irrefutable evidence of her abuse and compulsive lying and BS. It went extremely smooth, haven't heard from her since, no hoovering - that's what having the power to shatter their world gives you if you prepare correctly, which takes away their ability to use any flying monkeys they worked so hard on creating.
The worst thing is 2 narcissists in a relationship together. It is truly a combustible situation and unsurprisingly common in all aspects of the entertainment industry.
This is TRUE. If you present them with all their lies and cheating with proof and break up with them. They usually won’t bother you again. They CANT FACE YOU. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU STILL GOT THE SAME QUESTIONS WAITING FIR THEIR RESPONSE. POOF GONE.
Thank you so much for this video Professor! I am currently divorcing a covert narcissist and it has been traumatic! Even though I stayed married to him for only 10 months and still going through the divorce process for almost 2 years, your videos have helped me and empowered me to survive during this unbelievable experience.
I met an actor, and knew other actors he knew. He was impressed with me and went on a charm offensive. He started making intense remarks, as if the entire thing was in a film set and we were actors being filmed. Dropped huge hints about being unhappy in his marriage even in front of his mother. I hadn''t realised he was married in the first place but never mind because I was keeping my distance there was zero physical involvement but some kind of weird fascination seemed to be taking place. I became more wary over time. He had to go overseas to finish a project. He expected to see me on his return. He was HUGELY disappointed that I didn't return to the place where we met and when I finally did go back several years later he clocked I was there and feigned nonchalance. Yet at the same time he knew exactly how much time had passed since he'd seen me and reminded me of it. He came by 3 times to talk each time pretending it was a casual thing he was not going out of his way to speak with me. I explained that I'd been sick. He showed zero interest in my welfare. None! It was all about him and his disappointment he was failing to conceal. Later I returned about 6 months later to see if he could assist with a project I was thinking about doing, and he went ballistic. He threw a tantrum, banged on an on and ON. He accused me of being a fake. I didn't disagree because you cannot reason with someone like this. He did have a marriage but it seemed to be one of those weird setups which was about a big age gap with his much younger wife and he was unhappy but charismatic at the same time, moody and controlling. But I was very wary the entire time. Because I'd protected myself, and didn't get involved and wasn't impressed with his fame, he was infuriated. I mean really angry. He shouted at me. I simply said: "I don't have to put up with this". And turned around left. As I was leaving I said to some bystanders, "I am never coming back". And I haven't. Good luck to them all. God knows what his wife puts up with, or maybe they're both like this IDK. This is the film industry it's rife with people living out fantasies of themselves and not being real. LOL!
I met a crazy actor at a party that I went to with a friend that I met on the set of a music video. He listened to me talk to others throughout the night and would later come up to me liking the same obscure bands that I had said I liked, and had gone to the same school that I had said that I went to. He completely mirrored me. I had no idea, I was blown away by how much we had in common. I fell hard at first, but noticed that something wasn't right. After 3 dates I knew that I needed to get away from him. Thank God for His mercies, I just ignored him the next time we hung out. He stayed away for good ❤
@@VondaInWonderland The interesting thing about narcissists is they have an emptiness inside, they don't actually know who they are. So mirroring others is kind of perfect in a strategy they perform. Everything is about manipulation, and said for effect. It's ultimately so sad. Well done in dropping the guy. Mine never got beyond first base with me, I could read him and he found this very unsettling. HE discarded ME, or at least that's the story he is telling himself. LOL!
Was married to mine 9 years. An assault happened this Summer. The hate in him showed. I got out. Filed divorce immediately..dealing with a DVR and criminal case still pending/ open. Now through my therapy, have found out about the dynamics of narcissism. Glad that I GOT OUT.
thank you for translating the mind of the narcissist. Everytime I feel like contact her again I watch one of your videos and I remembered the tragedy of being with her for 8 months.
What an interesting insight! My sister is the narcissist, and I *did* take over the mother role after our mother died when we were in our 20s. I actually wanted to do it, because it's possible our mother was also a narcissist, and in a way I wanted to be the mother she wouldn't be. So I became the "guardian" of family records, letters, pictures, recipes, memories, trying to preserve the happy parts of the past. When I'd had enough of the walking on eggshells and overbearing contempt, following a silent treatment, I discarded my sister. It never occurred to me that psychologically this could replicate the loss of our real mother decades ago. Maybe that's why there was no followup hoovering.
I'm currently in this position, I've just gone no contact with a narc who gave me the silent treatment and then attempted to come back to me when i didnt run after him, i subsequently ignored him and he frantically started texting me demanding an explanation, i will never contact "it" ever again, thank you Prof Sam for helping me through this as your videos helped me make sense of everything, initially i wanted to text "it" and unload all of my venom on "it" but i've realised after watching your videos that "it" is in so much more pain because of my silence.
omg... After I went no-contact, my ex-roommate/best friend ACTUALLY has been telling our mutual friends that I acted like his mother. After I heard you say that after rejection, we become the abusive absent mother, it just clicked in my head. And I've been worrying and trying to find what traits of hers I had. Thank you so much 🙏
here for 50 years ik give him al the love but once a year he give me the silent treatment, i wake up and left him for 2 years ago, there is no contact, i ame stronger now and hope that other people wake up earlyer. love from Nederland
Mu husband started devaluing and emotionally distancing from me the day we started couple therapy. I was in. Ahappy space because i hoped to have a peaceful life finally, and never saw his behaviour coming. 7 months now ,its getting worse. He's the only happy person in the house as he's already in his future fantasy world. He's giving me subtle cues that he wants me out,but he wants me to show love for him so he keeps getting the supply and he can have a smooth exit! We've a lot of shared interests and i could see why we're together,but he has a flippant attitude towards life and no empathy,bot even towards our 15 year old son!
Narcissist men like to be treated like garbage, when I was loving it didn’t work.. they need the opposite of that which is pain, hurt, betrayal, and abuse.. if you dealing if narcissist step all over them and see them become infantile through their behavior
My girlfriend loved me when I did things for her like put together a cabinet or fixed a hole on the wall so she could gt her deposit. But she would hit me or throw Wine(I shared) in my face and devalue me and beat me like a dog if I had to go to work and couldn't help her do her responsibility. She was perfect in front of everyone else. After she discarded me she told people lies about me and hurt my reputation. I've never met a normal woman as in reciprocal every woman I know uses people plays chess with them to inflict pain or mental anguish. Toxic sludge. Infected with some sort of brain deficiency
Happened to me too. Love does not with them. He just got away when i was loving. I didnt undertsnad why. So when i was distant and cold bc of his reaction he got closer. Now i know he is a narc.
Oh god u have no idea how wrong you are. It seems like a lot of these comments sections are women looking for external reasons why their relationship failed
@chazzbranigaan9354 Right? Men who thrive on being treated poorly need it for stability. They feel safe there and it motivates them they don't trust anything else. It's from childhood neglect, not narcissism.
Yep yep, he says he's in love with my Puerto Rican spiciness but in reality he likes that I don't take his shit and I'm very No Nonsense about everything. The only time his narcissism comes bubbling up to the surface is when he's intoxicated and disinhibited. So when I see him starting, I exit stage left and go to my best friend's house and don't come home until I know he's passed out. This only happens a half a dozen times a year, so I'm fine with it. Once I figured out the pattern and determined he only has States and traits of narcissism that only rear their ugly head every once in a while.... well, it ain't worth breaking up a 22-year marriage over. Every time I read these comments, it's a reminder that I am really fortunate he's not pathologically (an every day) narcissist. He gets most of his narcissism tendencies out at work anyway since he's a commission-based Salesman LOL I feel like I'm an exception in a rare situation though.
I have been involved with a covert Narcissist. To him any discussion is an argument. Unless he has been drinking, conversation is limited to generalities such as weather. When drinking, he is the life of the party and charismatic, everyone loves him. Alone, he is a stranger and treats people he meets in bars the first time like best friends.. Initially, I thought he is friendly and he has lots of nice friends. He does no exchange of ANY type of gifts even upon first seeing him. I have been wanting to just stop caring, but am going in a circle over and over. I just cannot get over the fact that my best friend and partner has and never had any intention of a working relationship. In the beginning, we were building dreams, no I am in a circle of constantly defending myself for ANY type of behavior that doesn’t add up to his expectations! I have never cheated and am. Or a drug user or alcoholic. Also do not need him to support me. This has more to do with not defining what types of commitment because we were building dreams, until he had to actually do what he said he would. Any suggestions? I am so lost 😞
It is amazing that the human mind has the same architecture in most individuals. The inputs from reality predictably causes certain outputs as far as behaviors, etc.
I ran away and hid after 25 years, but was still fearful he would find me and shoot me. He remarried after the divorce, 15 years ago which he slowed down as much as possible and he wished I was rather dead. All of what you say here resonates...thank you! I had some help for severe PTSD from an abusive childhood this year and can finally understand the confusing war that was happening continuously in my body, triggering and anxiety- very interesting when one understands it
This resonates with my experience. Once I figured out what he was I decided to put up boundaries and go gray rock. He did not react well to that- he went into a rage. Soon thereafter he tried to Hoover me. This went on for 8 months until he finally stopped. His demeanor is very different now. I hope I’m no longer on his radar. I’ve been guarded because he was very immature and impulsive, not knowing what he was going to do on any given day.
You are amazing ! Everything you described is exactly what happened to me. He initiated the break up and I went for divorce. He got into a rebound relationship which ended a few years later.
This explains conundrums I've wondered about in my own experiences with these types of partners. A "fungible commodity", yes, that makes sense. I've marveled at how these folks always have someone and after the end of a supposedly significant relationship, quickly pick up a new one, without skipping a beat. I'm satisfied to finally understand they live an ongoing internal fantasy, easily filling the temporarily empty role of "partner" with the next person who applies. What puzzled me now makes sense, and that feels good.
I got fed up with a martial arts professor. After 5 years of enduring his (swear word) (not being corrected for more than 3 years, not even saying hello to me, making fun of my glasses, and even more)... I left the most horrible way to leave one of those soulless, I left without saying a word to him. Of course I greeted my classmates and thanked them for having taught me so much. I regret nothing.😊
I was married to a narcissist for 20 years. He hits every single point of the worst narcissist, psychologically, male chauvinism ways. He’s younger than me and has admitted many times if not for me he would be in prison. Nevertheless, Dec. 24th 23 he beat me with an assault rifle. He has been in jail since. He will not sign divorce papers. Through out our marriage he has been with a man sexually as well as emotionally. He didn’t even show his compassion when my daughter died. When his male “friends” dog died he was all over him with love and understanding. So so many more things happened. I say please to anyone that is involved with a narcissist person RUN TO SAVE YOURSELF. I’m 70 years old and have nothing left. Please save yourself.
It's a miracle! LOL! Seriously, Dr. Vaknin, this "short" video is chock full of great instruction. Thank you! There are days I wonder how being our mother's primary scapegoat affected who I became as a young man, and who I am today. From a very young age, I prayed that God would reveal and emplace mentors and courters who were antithetical to our mother, and I was blessed with many; but dealing with me came with costs. Over the years I have reached out to some and thanked them for their time, love and attention. And, to some, I've apologized.
Interesting. My husband devalued me over and over but never discarded. I've been trying to understand what's going through his head since I left 10 months ago. Immediately afterwards, he called me his enemy for a few weeks. Now, he's carrying on like this is an ideal solution where we can still be married and go out. It's nuts!
Thank you. I have narsissistic patterns from my mother and father and I know it thank god. So I have been working hard to change patterns and be aware of them. Born as a hypersensitive empath with most likely asbergerssyndrom I was forced into this patterns through terror and violence as a kid. Took me years to understand what I was carrying. I have always holded on to my empathic soul and mind and today I have good knowledge of who I was suposed to be from the start.
Sam, you are a godsend. My ex narcissists, whom I did love a lot, he died, and now I realize how much I am like his mother I never seen it before now But to be fair I think he became my father figure to because he was so like my father Once he hurt me bad enough. I wouldn't let him beck. I never felt loved like it in my life. The way he loved me because I didn't want him, it was mad, but I know if I did go back the way I was in the beginning, he would go back to being him. I still love him . I'm glad he's at peace Because he really did suffer too . Narcissist are all in such pain . Life is about love and itid1878 s the one thing they can like ..SAD
Love listening and learning from your enlightening videos. Thank you so much! I sometimes feel these people shouldn’t be loose in society. They have no good intentions to others. It’s so sad.
Thank you, Prof...your explanation of me being an introject has brought a calming and logical answer to my bewildered, distressed soul that could not understand the chaos and mind-games for 11 years of my life.
I dumped my boyfriend of 5 years. He was texting a female friend from his past regularly, met her for dinner and drinks a couple of times without mentioning it to me, made out with her in his truck and almost went to a hotel one night. I did not want to continue wondering or hoping he wouldn't take it as far as sleeping with her so I dumped him and refused to take him back. He said I had a hard heart and I was extreme to end a 5 year relationship over a "b00b suck." Am I the a**hole?😂
Hi professor I was married to a malignant narcissist for almost 4 years I left him and put him out caught him off guard with the discard and I filed for divorce under cruelty and adultery .I gave him to many chances stayed too long in a demonic soul tie and situationship never again.
Thankfully I tuned into your insights today. Snapshot - my brother has recently died, as my punishment for having become the evil abandoning sister, I was not contacted when he was ill and dying nor was I informed of his death. His son was treated the same way. I had resigned as his sister etc, months ago. His death and my not being contacted was reminiscent of my mother, who stated in her will she had no children, I was not informed of her death. My mother and my brother were very similar, even though they lived their whole lives apart, never knowing each other, as mum put my brother up for adoption. Such a sad tragic family...compounded by drugs and alcohol. Thank you Sam, your words today, have helped me in my feelings of guilt, what could I have done better. I tried but got worn out, angry etc...complex stuff.
Stay Strong. Time will. Heal everything . On confronting my narc mother on how she did not invite me to step dads memorial service she snapped back "it was for family members only"...... I was too shocked to reply!!
I love your long videos professor! I felt special to have a stamina and intelligence to be one of the listeners who can handle longer then 12-18 min. videos:)) Please, at least once in a while keep up with a longer ones. Needless to say how incredibly helpful and profound is all the information you provide. I’m your subscriber for a last year and a half. I wish discover you earlier.
Accurate and helpful as always! Thank you! Makes me think about my own traits that resemble what you described, my own feelings that I never really thought about. You just held up a mirror when you said: the narc takes that phantasy and put it on someone else and continues with it. I feel i have done that, too. My father is a narcissist and I often wonder if I am borderline or just have narcissistic traits. I have also been in several narcissistic relationships as well, always leaving them first. You resemble so much my father just by your way of expressing yourself, that charm mystery and confident feeling I get. That just confirms your work and my experiences. Thank you for all you do! It brings sanity and understanding!
My dad is a narcissist. The rage got to be too much when he was late picking me up where he said I have to meet him when I took the train to visit my mom (who is still married to him). He blamed me even though I met at the exact spot he said. He got the stop wrong and was elsewhere. Then he yelled at me after I waited for over an hour. And he of course didn’t apologize. I was being bitten by mosquitoes waiting with my dog and bike. But somehow this was my fault. He never admits he’s wrong, and he’s wrong a lot. And he will always blame me. But of course if I accomplish something, he says he “proud” as if he can claim any such credit for anything I do. I no longer speak to all the family that defends him treating me like this. I’m done.
The narcissist is definitely suffering from mental illness if he operates the wsy this gentleman describes. This is scary. Anyone living with this kind of relationship, especially malignant narcissist, I'm praying for you. Take care of yourself. Shame on them.
I blocked mine and got a protection order when I left, so he knew he would be arrested if he tried to contact me. I did hear stories of how he cried to his friends, how I was crazy, how I wanted to be his childrens mother, even though I got on extremely well with their mothers and all of his family & friends 😂 everything that he did was turned around and made out to be what I did. His new supply girlfriend messaged me after she left him asking if he had been controlling and abusive to me because his stories didn't add up due to how ended up treating her. So in the end, remain no contact, save your breath and move on. They will continue to do it with another person. Count your blessings.
When you slay their asses with the truth. Etc. they WONT BE BOTHERING YOU AGAIN. I did 2 different bars. Disgarded them. Ended the relationship. I ain’t seen or heard from either 1 yet…
My daughter-in-law has used me as her secondary supply. My son is her primary supply. I discarded her when I recognized the Narc attributes. My son is still oblivious. All that you shared has been evident in horrific kaleidoscope colour. Thank you for making sense of what never had any basis in logic for the 15 years of my son's extremely sad marriage. "Sad" is becoming the most ill defined adjective since listening to you Professor Sam. I bow to your amazing enlightenment and thank you for the warnings and red lights of alarm that rebound each second I see or think of my son. 😪
I'm living the narcissistic cycle to a tee. I am not currently wanting to leave him. I do wish there were better skills to cope with some of his outlandish actions and tantrums. I'm learning as I go. We are looking into therapy for each of us. However finding anyone truly trained or knowledgeable is almost impossible. I know what he is clearly. I have no delusions that he will become someone else. I thought I was aware of all the dangers. I thought if it gets too far out of control I could just discard the relationship. I did not realize the extreme effect this could have. Dr Sam thank you for all of your insights and for taking the time to share your immense knowledge without emotionally mudding the facts. The new information about ASPD and how they transition between BPD, NPD and Primary Psychopath states is so accurate. It has opened my eyes to so much more. The transitional theory fits what I experience.
Did I actually "kill" my narcissist, or he just never cared about me? More than a year after I suddenly disappeared from his line of sight and no attempts of direct hoover so far. I'm an avoidant type of person, so that's my usual response to abuse which was covert in my case. I tend to escape from any information about his current life, is it mutual on his side or not? I just get a very awful feeling when I think about him possibly stalking me quietly like many narcissists do.
When a Narc begins sending their Flying Monkeys continually to attack you- that's when you know that they have realized you are done with them- and now they are trying to "maintain" their "good guy" or "girl" image. I hadn't spoken to the Narc personally in almost a year of being No Contact. But, sure enough- he Hoovered on a Special Occasion day. Because I had groveled and begged in the past for him to continue being in a relationship with me when he would discard me- this is what he expected me to do this time as well. He tried to emotionally manipulate me. Said, "I cant give you what you want, but we can be friends?" I hadn't even ASKED him to be in a relationship with me while we were speaking. He just "assumed" I STILL wanted to be with him. He said, "lets just take things slow." I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine for once. I said, "yes, lets just take things slow" back. I then proceeded to Block him. I called him a Snake. I got rid of all of my Social Media right after that. I dont need him randomly trying to find me- reaching out just to manipulate me emotionally because he's bored, or low on Supply.
I have learned a lot from your videos. I have stated my boundaries. Since I have spoken clearly, he uses my name when he addresses me. Never before. Why is he doing this now? I don't understand. Thank you very much
I went through a terrible experience with this exact issue. I fell for a woman who had several boyfriends and a double life and I saw it from a mile away. My heart already has pain from an abusive childhood and this woman was the ideal fantasy lover and healer of my deep wounds. Once we engaged in a shared fantasy dynamic, I called it out loud with the proclamation that I was “vulnerable “ and had deep abandonment issues and the promise of safety and great sexual pleasure ect with her only made me realize how much work I needed to do on myself before I was stable enough to “dance” with her. This broke us both wide open to the fact that we both had deep wounds and needed to be aware of that. She is an artist and dancer and the loss of her as a friend and the loss of the fantasy we shared for a minute does hurt . But I also know that it was correct for me to “red flag” myself before I allowed myself to go deeper into a relationship that would be toxic. She went into a “sex cult “ and that is a heartbreaker. Hey, she has her needs met . And I still choose to not open up to new love interest because it’s not fair to myself or anyone else’s to be used to help support anyone else emotionally or in other ways. I had woman in my life before I got involved with this person. Now I choose to no longer be in a vulnerable position by falling in love with someone who fits my ideals. Why would any man invest himself only to be used and discarded? And why would anyone go into a relationship if the awareness of working on a relationship is the essence of having a relationship in the first place.
Well that shines a little bit of light on the fact that even though he actually filed divorce papers on me he keeps telling me I left him.. Perhaps in his mind he didn't think i'd ever have the nerve to go through it but I did, now I'm just trying to be there for my daughter and sons.. He keeps telling me I made the kids hate him, he cannot realize that they're growing up and they're seeing him for what he is..
I discarded a narc friend about 2 years ago, I always wondered how it impacted him. I assumed he would have flipped things around in his mind to be the victim, and became angry. He was already trying to blame me for his own behavior just prior to the discard, which is what prompted me to permanently cut ties. I also sensed that if we were to ever reconnect, that it would just be a mission of revenge on his part....so I would definitely never give him that opportunity.
I broke up with my ex after 7 years of his yearly ‘snow bird’ trips overseas to his other partner. I sent him what he told everyone was a “Dear John “ letter. I chose NO CONTACT. It was devastating for me because I wanted to talk everything out, but his letter to me said he had hoped he “ had a positive influence on my life but understood my decision”. BS! Grandiose!
Prof. Sam! Thank you so much for your thought provoking talks. Thank you for the insights! I'm very grateful. Please tell us more about narcissists as controllers and control freaks who live their lives, vicariously through other people. Narcs who take away other people's free-will, autonomy, merit/reward, and authentic creative life. Narcs who turn people into metaphorical "slaves"! If they insist on controlling, does that mean, that they believe that they are superior? Do they believe that they own others? Why can't they just discretely do their thing, instead of living through us doing it for them?.
after my mother in-law died my Narc X became physically dangerous and committed several class 4 felonies against me. He ranted and raged and destroyed property held hours long pity parties for himself. I believed he was transferring the rage he held against his mother onto me as for years it was clear he had replaced her with me as an object. I have had to be extremely careful after I got him out of the house.
What if the narcissist mother died when he was a young child? When I left his covert and neglectful self erupted at me like nothing I would have imagined. While yelling at me he stated that me leaving hurt more than when his mother died. He treated me like a table leg for 29 years. I couldn't live another day without love. He won't fight for me but is doing everything possible to destroy my relationship with our older children.
I left my narcissistic husband in January. I did not tell him i was leaving because that would have been a week of hell. I planned, lived on pins and needles for a few days, and then i executed the plan. He came home, and i was gone. They're really not very bright.
Would a psychopathic narcissist react the same way? It’s been 6 months since I discarded him. He’s stalking, hoovering, sending others to intimidate me and so fourth. Although I’ve involved the authorities it has not stopped. After getting the education on narcissism I realized I was his primary supply. Will he ever stop?
He will when he finds a new source of narcissistic supply. And he will be the victim and the abused one. And there is no point in warning her because she won’t believe you. Women fall for men’s stories of victimisation hook line and sinker. They want to believe and want to rescue the poor hurt abused male. Will women ever grow up and ask themselves the question, why does his previous family refuse to have anything to do with him? It’s a dead giveaway. But they completely ignore what’s staring them in the face and carry happily down the road to their own destruction.
Unfortunately expect the worst and hope for the best. Prepare for the worst and then everything awful that does not happen is a bonus. If possible move far away/ completely distance yourself. Keep the authorities involved. If he doesn’t eventually end up in jail for breaching orders against him, or incapacitated or dead, he will crawl back to under the rock he crawled from to look for a new supply. I moved far away from the 3 narcissists I grew up with. I’ve moved and to get where I am would take them a lot of time and money. As long as I don’t contact them, I’m no longer accessible to abuse and accuse. It’s been 2 yrs. They hoovered via other family members by getting them to say they want to talk to me and I should ring them.I said I would in front of a therapist which they would never agree to. But I say if they really wanted to contact me there is email which I’ve left open so at least I don’t have to hear their ugly voices again, and then forward the email to the authorities if they get stupid. But having it in writing will expose them so of course they won’t email. One did message me wishing me a happy birthday 🙄 on one media platform 18months after she said “It’s your fault mum suffered as she was dying and it’s your fault dad treats you the way he does” and then denied me from being able to attend the spreading of our dead mothers ashes. Knowing I could not get a flight so soon, and saying I was not welcome (coz I exposed to a distant relative the dysfunction and abuse after my sister said “fxck off and grow up and get over it”), and of which I forgot to block but I ignored it and blocked her. If I never see her again or hear her voice that is a great thing. 👍🏼
😢confirmation he told me I hurt him and I cause him walk out from his family when he knows that his family is the one that hurts him(parents)now he blames me but he married and I married and still wants me to be with him this is craziness 😢😢its sad case you speak a true story and he tends to forget things he have done😢😢😮😮
Today is December 26th of 2023.. I might have gotten the saddest epiphany of my my life so far. I am a Narcissist and have been utterly clueless to the possibility.. it all makes sense and its soo horrible. And i do have a great capacity of empathy which makes me that rare type. When I heard that first line from the Prof, something in my brain clicked in my ears tuned in a way that they haven't ever before.. I am very grateful and appreciate with immense respect and humility. I want to be a person not a parasite. Unfortunately, I have been born into it and have continued to live it without ever knowing.. being and having a healthy lifestyle is how I'd like to be now, but I am scared that I may be beyond help... I break my own heart 💔 I am open to any constructive feedback if anyone reads this.
I have always thought that one of my former gfs was a narcissist. She would gaslight me from time to time and when it was apparent for me that it was time to move on and I ended it, she didn't like that because it was not on her terms and she was not the one who initiated the break up.
Professor Vaknin, I was married to a malignant narcissist for 17 years. I left with my children in 2003 and he delayed the divorce until 2008. During those 5 years, he stalked and harassed and sent flying monkeys to harass. It was pure hell. Fortunately, I discovered your blog and followed it. Because of what I learned from you, I was able to defeat him in court and won full custody with no visitation rights for him. Thank you for helping me. I will be forever grateful.
It’s been three months since I filed divorce from my covert narcissist of a 14 year marriage. He got exactly what he wanted, a reverse discard so he could be the victim. I’m still so sad that he could just take 14 years of my constant forgiveness and compassion and patience and mercy and then just discard it like it was it was worthless and it was never enough for him. He’s a “Christian” covert narcissist, but he’s anything but “Christ-like.” I’m i’m so much pain form the grief because I actually loved him with “true love,” I didn’t want to get divorced. I was willing to love him, even knowing he was a narcissist… But I guess I wasn’t willing to live in a black hole void marriage, where I am not loved not even at all. We have a three year old and it’s DEVASTATING. 😭🥺😩
@@magicmegan4290 I am so sorry this is happening to you. After I left, I spent several years having to reprogram my brain from the damage he had caused. I wish you the very best that life has to offer. 🙏❤️
Wow! Respectfully, Dr. Vaknin, that last sentence proved your NPD Credentials!!! I'm 49 yrs in married to a covert narc. I found out what he was 7 yrs ago. I'm broken down physically, mentally and financially. Narcs don't have the understanding that you do.(I know you know that, just please don't ever forget it.) Even understanding your dissertations, I feel that narcs refuse to introspect. Somehow I still have a measure of love for him, but often I feel hatred for him. I have memory loss so it helps me to forget some of the terrible things he has done to me. He devalued me on the morning of our honeymoon, right off the bat. Many times I wonder how you are still married. (Me too!)
I started to add an emoji but it's not funny in the least.
Sooooooo very happy for you! 🙌
I am almost finished with this unbelievable nightmare divorce!
🙌 I thank GOD for protecting me and keeping me the entire time! Thank you JESUS!!!🙌🙌💚
❤️
I discarded at the height of the love bomb!!!! I did it because my instinct told me too!!!!
Good for you, dodged the bullet
You are so lucky. Those of us who didn't listen to our instincts wish we had!
I did too! I knew something was off. It was less than 5 months but it was long distance. He traveled to my country
To visit a couple of times. But he didnt see that coming!
@@PATISLAV For a more accurate description of narcissism, google the DSM-5 handbook on mental health disorders. just because someone suffered childhood trauma that doesn’t make them a narcissist, they could become an empath, or a people pleaser.
@@michellenavarro840 : Good job - must have been kind of hard for the narc - surprise for sure! They do deserve it very much to get discarded.
When you discard the narcissist they turn into the biggest victims in the world. They cry to everyone about how you treated them so badly, even though the opposite is true. They deny everything they ever did wrong and they will turn people against you. I'm so amazed at their ability to get people to believe them.
It is absolutely astounding how many people have wished me unhappiness because of the things he has said. Most people put us in the same category as far as "we need to learn to be more understanding of each other." It shocks me every time I hear that. I was told a few weeks ago that we are unhealthy and we need to leave each other alone if we can't treat each other well. I thought okay I pay all the bills. He has no job. I bend over backward to make him happy. I make excuses for everything he does. I don't have any expectations for him. I'm not controlling, and so on. I'm definitely bad for him and I should stay away from him but not because I'm unhealthy or mean to him. He can get anyone to listen to him lie about me. Without ever questioning a word of it people will absolutely believe everything he says. It has gotten to the point when I find out he's smeared my name to others. I refuse to discuss it with them. I tell them to believe what they would like, and then I let my actions tell the truth.
I can only imagine how bad it’s going to be when I leave bc he’s done this to me our entire 25 year marriage.
It is UNBELIEVABLE how they turn YOUR people against you and sit back like they ain’t did nothing. It’s CRAZY. Thank GOD MY people know who I am. Trick no good wit my family.
@@teesahurt2074 yup. The only people who believe him are his family and friends. He’s been charged with 5 felonies and anyone can go online and see his confession (he confessed in a police interview) through the court system if they just type in his name. The fact they willingly choose to stand by a rapist shows everything I need to know about these people. So tbh I could care less what the hell they think about me. They’re the ones who have to sleep at night knowing that they’re standing alongside someone who admitted to doing horrible things. He’s technically facing 5 felonies and spent Christmas in jail. His bond was $100k, so I’m sure his family loved paying bail for him 🙄
And for his lawyer 😅 lmao they did get real close to being charged with witness tampering but their lawyer must have stepped in and warned them because the police working on my case called and told me that they caught them during his phone calls planning ways to get me to drop charges. What snakes.
That's their way of getting supply and we shouldn't pay any mind to it.
When you discard them first, they will forever be enraged. Especially if you stay away and they have no way to manipulate you anymore.
I hope not. I used prof Vaknin technique and told her she deserves better than me. She's been quiet ever since, probably being to busy hunting for the new supply. Here's to hoping, at least!
My shitty mom tried to contact me through some relatives from time to time. Which only results in blacklisting of such relatives. I can imagine that rage. How dare I))
Thanks @stroNg2thaBoNe2thaMax!! Your advice means I'm free 🆓! FOREVER ♾️!! I regretted it once, went back and had to cut 📴 contact again. I'm free!!!🤸♀️😂
@@cindyvandermerwe316 Yes, that's what we're all saying.
Well - even a narc will get rejected one day - that´s life - better he will get use to it. He will get over it until the day he dies.
I discarded the narc before she could get past the point of love-bombing and bread-crumbing. She has launched vicious smear campaigns, baited, provoked, laid traps and even tried to involve police in her manipulations for these five years since. I do not respond in any way, shape or form which has stoked her rage and desperation. She will continue to fail because I know exactly what she is and she knows I know. No Contact is the best way to deal with these predators.
Same here.
Same here.
I was raised by this and still cannot get away 😢 Narc women are just as gross. I’m so glad you are happy now!
They comeback and discard you as a revenge
Oh that's right
Almost 2 and a half years and my Narcissist still attempts to contact me. The hoovering is a constant reminder of what great narc-supply I was and it motivates me to strengthen my boundaries.
I'm not sure I look at it that way. I was shit supply, challenging the narc, standing up for myself, not always contacting it first, not reacting to silent treatment, not always paying for things, telling it was not healthy to need external validation, etc. Around the 3 month mark I discarded the nex - no hoover yet :)
@@irielion3748 thats great! Well done on healthy boundaries.
I don't know which was the most challenging...trying to cut off from my n.ex or giving up smoking lol...though the quitting of cigs after the number of years that I have smoked cigarettes certainly contributed towards being rid of the n.ex cause when he just appeared outta the blue, as was his predictable yet unpredictable timing, strategy to attempt to disarm my boundaries and try to worm his way bk in, I couldn't abide the smell of his cig smoke, I made him stay in the kitchen, the window wide open and kept telling him to get out of my way and that his cigs stink...I don't suppose even 'he' could believe he was welcome...but of course, as usual he 'just had to' project his discomfort of not being made welcome, back on to me.... I have 33 unread txts and they are remaining unread... will he try to hoover me bk in...that is the million dollar question, but he won't win.
He used to try to mock the crystals under my pillow, as pebbles, shout in my face that he's an atheist , tell me I'm too deep, however I'm the more peaceful one, within myself, between us both and it stings and confuses him that he can't break me...
This may or may not help anyone, but I deeply believe in Universal Source Energy as being our Creator/God/Father Who Is Everywhere...'no one' is allowed to take away my state of being, that I choose to live, which is heaven, to then descend me into their state of being which is their personal hell, not for any reason, let alone their refusal to face their inner demons.
I speak from experience of having survived more than one relationship that was of Narcissist tendancies, though in my marriage there was no information available as there is now..
No one could ever hurt me as much as my ex husband did via the children, simply because I divorced him, he projected it all on to the children, not having the capacity in him to accept and face that he'd failed at what he had promised, his unreasonable behaviour creating grounds for divorce...
Just heal yourself from whatever has been bestowed onto you via projection etc, it is possible, especially now with all the guidance that is available...
Find who you were before it all, think of it as a life lesson, not a life sentence...
Bless you all...🌸💞🇬🇬
@@irielion3748that’s great! Your example of power is astounding
If you need gorilla glue i got some mama 😂❤
I was the family “ scapegoat “ all my life. Was diagnosed with ADHD, bipolar and Asperger’s….. I have believed for years I was defective and hid away really. I have moved away from family and have experienced smearing…… I am no longer afraid and have gone No contact with all but one ….. ( dont over share anymore)….. I am at peace and my need for “ revenge” has disappeared. I no longer have to over explain or defend myself…… it’s fantastic….. peace ✌️
❤❤❤❤
Hows it going 1 year later ?
Amazing material. This is exactly what the narcissist in my life did. 'I was willing to work on the relationship, but you weren't. You broke up with me. I am good, I was willing, you weren't willing, you aren't good'. hahahaha. Amazing. This is bullseye Sam.
Living in isolation after a brutal 11 yr dust up with, in my humble opinion, an undiagnosed narcissist, I haven’t laughed out loud in I don’t even know when. Can’t recall the last time I heard my own voice. Scared my dog half to death & paused the video after the introduction to ride out the moment for all it’s worth. Thank you for being you.
I don’t usually comment but am compelled to express my appreciation the work I can only imagine the work you’ve had to do personally on Sam Vaknin to put out this incredibly important content in the uniquely digestible way you do.
Not sure where I’d be today had I not stumbled upon your channel. At the time, for the first time & not for lack of searching, you managed to speak in a language that resonated with me. Your content has educated me, told my story, validated what I experienced, gave me efficacy, something solid to stand on, truth about what I never thought could happen to me & exactly how it happened.
But even more important than that, I needed to know the origin of narcissistic abuse. How did this person who I loved with my whole heart become so afflicted. What had happened to him b/c I don’t believe anyone is born to destroy. I had all kinds of indicators his mother was a monster but I couldn’t figure out what she did specifically. For some reason understanding the origin of his pathology helped me hold on to my compassion as a person instead of allowing my anger to poison me.
I have deep sorrow for him & compassion for the innocent, beautiful child he once was. I imagine the fear he must have to mitigate every day walking thru the world dependent on what he can’t control or provide for himself. Understanding the reasons why he caused me such a heartbreaking, soul crushing, de-stabilizing & identity stripping nightmare has allowed me to depersonalize much of the damage. I’m still struggling, I feel forever altered & I have no idea if I will find what I need within myself to cobble together a self I can be proud of. But at least I know I didn’t lose my natural ability to feel for others & that’s better than being dead inside.
It’s been awesome to see you evolve as a content creator. It been kind of a blossoming of sorts to watch you share elements of your personality that truly feel authentic. Thank you.
Hi thanks for sharing, I too spent sooooo much time trying to understand the orgin of my narcissist mother she died when he was a little boy I think age 7, he had a father and older brother I use to ask and ask over over what did you feel when your mom passed (Cancer) did they help you through the grief was she consumed by her poor health unable to give you the attention, on and on I felt deeply sad for him and that's what kept me hanging on, yet I was falling apart every which way, 12 years I get angry I had to re build my life yet I too played a part because I had no self worth or boundaries, huge lessons lead to beauty. I wish you the best stay strong
Stay strong all!
Brilliantly Written Expression of Experience !
You are right to talk of the pain that created the
dissociation & internal emptiness of the
narcissists early formation
Your compassion survived the trauma of your
relationship You express the other side of
the relationship without the usual hatred
that is normally all that is left after so much pain
May you heal & find your voice so you can laugh
and feel whole again ✍🏻❣️
I can so relate! I always figured it was some Capricorn/red-headed stubbornness that kept me searching for the origin. For the longest time it was thinking if I could figure out *how* it could be worked on. Then it was simply trying to find a reason. I understood SO much of how he got to be that way. My fundamental error was that I assumed people want to be happy. Narcs seek chaos and conflict because it makes it easier to manipulate. We were married 17 years, been out for 9, and it took almost 5 to get divorced. Thank God it's pretty rare, now, but he still pops up from time to time to try and stir up trouble.
Thank you for your beautifully written thoughts. These are things I've agonized over for so many years but couldn't see out of the fog. I'm very thankful for this channel and others that helped me to find the trail to healing. Blessings to you.
I experienced narcissistic abuse at work, and before I could name what I experienced, I knew that me as me in this game didn't matter that anyone could have been in my place. I was just a commodity. Exactly like Sam said.
This happens especially if you are set up by a narcissistic boss who wants to have an affair with you. It's a no win situation. If you refuse he destroys you. If you accept he destroys you anyway. I did the former. It was a really really bad not least of all because he was indulged by the head of personnel who believed every lie he told. In the end both of them lost their jobs but they'd managed to destroy me in the process. Still recovering.
Truth, and when you realize this you know you will never be accepted for who you are and have the ability to grow. That is my saving grace. I need to keep focusing and not loose the dream.
Yes exactly, it could be anybody they choose to pick on, like a bully. If you let them they will get under your skin and make you act out of character. It's exactly what they want. Stay silent and let them make an ass out of themselves, best way to handle a narcissist coworker 💯
I developed reactive narcissism as a result of the marriage and discarding him is the best thing I ever did. The best part is that I don't care what stories he tells himself about me. He'll never find the calibre of woman I am. At this point he's a collapsed narcissist and will remain so for the rest of his life. The best part is that he has ageing to contend with. He took a big L and I love it.
I want to get there so badly.
It seems you are reading from my heart!!!! Never ever will the narcissists find out the caliber of the women they had! Beautifully said and done!❤
I love this for you. Cheers.
@@kstev7 Indeed, he did but guess what, unlike him, I'm not afraid of looking at myself in the mirror and healing my traumas so it stops with me! That's where I win. My children are witnessing, alchemy, healing and healthy choices and decisions as they grow up. The game has forever been changed.
@@kstev7Yep. That's why I'm staying single and find it so hard to fully let go of him
So as a daughter who has separated from her malignant narcissist mother, I am also now in her mind, her rejecting mother. I recently was surprised when she attended a family reunion she avoided for years. I suspected I'd experience hoovering. Instead she made a show of avoiding me. It was strange but something of a relief.
Wow your own mother avoided you?
@@hillerm Yes. She's 88 and I'm 66 and it's just idiotic at this point. There is no point to trying to build a reasonable communication with her.
@@hillerm : why is that fact such a surprise for you - of course can a narc avoid you too, why not?
They can cry all day long about the deficiencies in their behaviour. But they literally do it to themselves
Narcissist never cry 😢
Wow, professor... that hit me soo hard right now. I was the first to discard my covert narcissist husband. It was almost 2 years ago. He filled for divorce shortly after I escaped with our little son. We're not even halfway. The divorce is pure hell.
I couldn't understand why he victimized himself during this time. I didn't realize that he's going through his childhood trauma once again.
He did everything he could to destroy me.
And he's always with his mother... she makes everything even worse. They convinced many people that I was the abuser...
Thank you for your videos. They helped me from the beginning
Hang in there! The truth runs marathons when lies can only sprint. ❤️❤️🩹❤️
In my situation, after a disagreement, I made the choice to leave. About a week later, she asked for another opportunity from me. I granted her a fresh chance. However, some weeks down the line, she ended our relationship (I recall her saying, "I experienced what you're feeling now," almost as if she intended for me to feel abandoned). Roughly one or two weeks later, she was already in a new relationship.
Sam, your statement about us being replaceable, similar to grains of rice, a commodity, or easily exchanged, is indeed accurate. Your videos played a significant role in helping me recover and perceive the truth. Your teachings have provided the closure that many of us were seeking. Thank you once again.
She got back with you so now she rejected you. She one uped you..
I’m currently in the situation which I met a woman online and we started a relationship in which she is very loving and attentive, pays attention to the details of my life, does nice things for me is polite and courteous to my friends, and even her career consists of taking care of mentally ill elderly people. She recently flipped a switch on me after a minor Disagreement and for a couple days, treated me as if I was a annoying child who deserved to be ignored. I cut her off the other morning and she’s been trying to contact me ever since… My gut tells me she will do exactly what happened to you space get me back just to dump me.
@@AccountabilityHub don't fall for that. If she loved you, why she would do that in the first place. Be safe, before is too late.
Wow, that's crazy
I recall that in one of the videos on hoovering, Professor mentioned that the whole aim for the Narcissist is to hoover and then instantly to dump you to “teach you a lesson”.
OMG!!!!! I have lived everything you are talking about after 3 relationships with these kind of ppl, but when you said that , “ they go around trying to find a replica of me “ the mic dropped!!!!! One of the narcissist I know went on not only looking for another me , but purchased two houses and moved to my home town thinking there was “lots of me” everywhere. Sick !!!!
I think I can relate to this because I kinda think that "she" tried to find a replica, but that didn't work and I feel she's trying to find an opening to somehow get back in. I don't think I care about that
It’s strange how they attack you so much but never is able to stand up to the biological mother that actually harmed them…. My soon to be ex-husband is going to b right back with her and finish his days under the spell of her narcissistic manipulation that never allowed him to become a man. 🙁🙏
Exactly…I kicked my ex husband out right back to that witch.
@@Kristedlove333 Yep! They are boys that never became a man no matter how old they are and their bitter demon driven mothers is the center of it all…. She creates toxic relationships that in turn creates more toxic relationships. Anyone that are not willing to submit to the toxicity (sinful behavior) as normal
is outlasted. I am proud to be outcasted from a clan of people lacking morals and values in God’s light…. I would NEVER give up God willingly for anyone; including a whole clan of people working for the devil; knowingly or not! It’s sad how they all are so broken and no one wants real peace, love, and joy. 🙁🙏
These people are truly sick, if this is how they navigate relationships and go through life. Wow… I was blind sided by my relationship with my narcissistic ex husband and I’ve learned so much since. I was just a gullible and naive lamb out for the slaughter… had no clue about the disorder or that I was an abuse victim. I discarded my narcissist tho 💪🏾 who knew people could be so cruel
They are very inadequate as people and don't want to change. You are very strong and a worthy person. They are weak and unworthy as people. The cruelty and harshness is to cover up their overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and shame. It's that simple.
I just had someone try to overwhelm and embarrass me and I just walked away. They know what they are doing. Cowards.
I'm 45, and I had no clue people like this existed. I discarded my 9 month girlfriend before she could devalue me. I suffered a lot though because I truly loved her; however, I knew something was inherently wrong after 4 months of relationship.
@@shandorkato same here, neither did I. But good thing you discarded her quickly, some people lose years of their lives enduring these horrible people
It is a real mental condition, listed in the DSM-5.
You feel freedom and relief
I had to discard my dad. He sexually abused me as a kid and thought I had forgotten. When he realized that I remembered and that I had a photo, his face began to change in front of me. He began to steal my life savings then her left town. I was held hostage for much of may life. Until age 22 I wasn't allowed to leave the house or learn to speak English. I was not allowed to see a doctor. I had no money. An aunt tried to help by buying a house and put it in my name. However, my dad's name is the same as mine. He was easily able to sell my house behind my back!!
I'm ashamed to take him to court. No one would believe and the people who knew are old and dying now.
Go to court
You can win this !!
You got this!!! Take him to court! It is your responiablity now to hold him accountable. You don't want to regret that later in life. If you hear that he raped someone else and you could have changed that. Thats gonna hurt
I’m sorry u had to go thru that. Now that you know his game, you can remain mentally healthy while you take him to task. If you have to, pretend you forgive him long term and manipulate him to make a will giving everything he had to you. Don’t try to change or help him for real. Narcs don’t change. Or take him to court and get yourself into therapy. It’s always best to do thing the legal ethical proper way whenever possible. The arm of the law is long and often slow but archs in the direction of justice. Don’t assume people won’t believe you.
@@SolutionsWithin Thank you so much for that advice! I'm trying to play nice now and looking into what legal options that I have.
Every time I’d try to walk away he would come back, but without offering anything meaningful or committed. He’d say I pushed him away and was mean when I was trying to put up boundaries and tell him the truth about my feelings after he had lied. On our first date he was texting his mom. He was constantly smiling and comparing me to her. I’d never researched this but the mother fantasy makes so much sense. The confusion was almost debilitating in the end. Still healing and thankful for the resources. I just kept believing it would change until I finally understood it won’t.
I was married for over twenty years to a male who even at the age of forty was answering his mother's phone calls with a baby voice "hello mummy"
I didn't even know what a "covert narcissist" was a few days ago. I just told an old school friend who has been texting me for 7 months that "I feel rotten after I talk to you, every time... and I don"t want to feel rotten anymore." His reply text, "I can't be friends with a person who can't discern good from evil." lol. The baiting + gaslight attempt in that sentence alone. If he needs to believe that HE discarded me, so be it. I just hope it's permanent.
Don’t open Pandora’s Box once close.
Shocked my CN wife with surprise divorce papers after I had gathered irrefutable evidence of her abuse and compulsive lying and BS. It went extremely smooth, haven't heard from her since, no hoovering - that's what having the power to shatter their world gives you if you prepare correctly, which takes away their ability to use any flying monkeys they worked so hard on creating.
The worst thing is 2 narcissists in a relationship together. It is truly a combustible situation and unsurprisingly common in all aspects of the entertainment industry.
Exactly this. You have to come as a shock. I did the same - twice - and the hoovering stopped. But be prepared enough.
FACTS. JOB WELL DONE. I also crushed the EX NARC. When he sees me he RUNS.
Congrats! Did the same to the ex narc...I filed for divorce and never heard from him again. I wish them peace.
This is TRUE. If you present them with all their lies and cheating with proof and break up with them. They usually won’t bother you again. They CANT FACE YOU. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU STILL GOT THE SAME QUESTIONS WAITING FIR THEIR RESPONSE. POOF GONE.
Thank you so much for this video Professor! I am currently divorcing a covert narcissist and it has been traumatic! Even though I stayed married to him for only 10 months and still going through the divorce process for almost 2 years, your videos have helped me and empowered me to survive during this unbelievable experience.
I met an actor, and knew other actors he knew. He was impressed with me and went on a charm offensive. He started making intense remarks, as if the entire thing was in a film set and we were actors being filmed. Dropped huge hints about being unhappy in his marriage even in front of his mother. I hadn''t realised he was married in the first place but never mind because I was keeping my distance there was zero physical involvement but some kind of weird fascination seemed to be taking place. I became more wary over time. He had to go overseas to finish a project. He expected to see me on his return.
He was HUGELY disappointed that I didn't return to the place where we met and when I finally did go back several years later he clocked I was there and feigned nonchalance. Yet at the same time he knew exactly how much time had passed since he'd seen me and reminded me of it. He came by 3 times to talk each time pretending it was a casual thing he was not going out of his way to speak with me. I explained that I'd been sick. He showed zero interest in my welfare. None! It was all about him and his disappointment he was failing to conceal.
Later I returned about 6 months later to see if he could assist with a project I was thinking about doing, and he went ballistic. He threw a tantrum, banged on an on and ON. He accused me of being a fake. I didn't disagree because you cannot reason with someone like this.
He did have a marriage but it seemed to be one of those weird setups which was about a big age gap with his much younger wife and he was unhappy but charismatic at the same time, moody and controlling.
But I was very wary the entire time. Because I'd protected myself, and didn't get involved and wasn't impressed with his fame, he was infuriated. I mean really angry. He shouted at me. I simply said:
"I don't have to put up with this".
And turned around left. As I was leaving I said to some bystanders, "I am never coming back". And I haven't. Good luck to them all.
God knows what his wife puts up with, or maybe they're both like this IDK. This is the film industry it's rife with people living out fantasies of themselves and not being real. LOL!
I met a crazy actor at a party that I went to with a friend that I met on the set of a music video. He listened to me talk to others throughout the night and would later come up to me liking the same obscure bands that I had said I liked, and had gone to the same school that I had said that I went to. He completely mirrored me. I had no idea, I was blown away by how much we had in common. I fell hard at first, but noticed that something wasn't right. After 3 dates I knew that I needed to get away from him. Thank God for His mercies, I just ignored him the next time we hung out. He stayed away for good ❤
@@VondaInWonderland The interesting thing about narcissists is they have an emptiness inside, they don't actually know who they are. So mirroring others is kind of perfect in a strategy they perform. Everything is about manipulation, and said for effect. It's ultimately so sad. Well done in dropping the guy. Mine never got beyond first base with me, I could read him and he found this very unsettling. HE discarded ME, or at least that's the story he is telling himself. LOL!
AI is replacing the whole film industry, so don't be surprised if he comes to your door, homeless, asking to sleep on your couch in the basement !!
No other person can describe these phenomena like the Prof.
Was married to mine 9 years. An assault happened this Summer. The hate in him showed. I got out. Filed divorce immediately..dealing with a DVR and criminal case still pending/ open.
Now through my therapy, have found out about the dynamics of narcissism.
Glad that I GOT OUT.
thank you for translating the mind of the narcissist. Everytime I feel like contact her again I watch one of your videos and I remembered the tragedy of being with her for 8 months.
How’s it you? You moved on?
What an interesting insight! My sister is the narcissist, and I *did* take over the mother role after our mother died when we were in our 20s. I actually wanted to do it, because it's possible our mother was also a narcissist, and in a way I wanted to be the mother she wouldn't be. So I became the "guardian" of family records, letters, pictures, recipes, memories, trying to preserve the happy parts of the past. When I'd had enough of the walking on eggshells and overbearing contempt, following a silent treatment, I discarded my sister. It never occurred to me that psychologically this could replicate the loss of our real mother decades ago. Maybe that's why there was no followup hoovering.
I'm currently in this position, I've just gone no contact with a narc who gave me the silent treatment and then attempted to come back to me when i didnt run after him, i subsequently ignored him and he frantically started texting me demanding an explanation, i will never contact "it" ever again, thank you Prof Sam for helping me through this as your videos helped me make sense of everything, initially i wanted to text "it" and unload all of my venom on "it" but i've realised after watching your videos that "it" is in so much more pain because of my silence.
I'm truly sorry that you had to go through that. Experiencing people leaving you, especially for someone else in front of you.
omg... After I went no-contact, my ex-roommate/best friend ACTUALLY has been telling our mutual friends that I acted like his mother. After I heard you say that after rejection, we become the abusive absent mother, it just clicked in my head. And I've been worrying and trying to find what traits of hers I had. Thank you so much 🙏
here for 50 years ik give him al the love but once a year he give me the silent treatment, i wake up and left him for 2 years ago, there is no contact, i ame stronger now and hope that other people wake up earlyer. love from Nederland
Mu husband started devaluing and emotionally distancing from me the day we started couple therapy. I was in. Ahappy space because i hoped to have a peaceful life finally, and never saw his behaviour coming. 7 months now ,its getting worse. He's the only happy person in the house as he's already in his future fantasy world. He's giving me subtle cues that he wants me out,but he wants me to show love for him so he keeps getting the supply and he can have a smooth exit! We've a lot of shared interests and i could see why we're together,but he has a flippant attitude towards life and no empathy,bot even towards our 15 year old son!
I had a long break up with my narcissist, I dumped her but I still miss her.....I wish her well in life, may she find happiness and bless.
He’s delusional and living in his little world of illusion. There’s no one like me. He’s already tried to find another me. It didn’t work.
'There’s no one like me.'
Narcissist men like to be treated like garbage, when I was loving it didn’t work.. they need the opposite of that which is pain, hurt, betrayal, and abuse.. if you dealing if narcissist step all over them and see them become infantile through their behavior
My girlfriend loved me when I did things for her like put together a cabinet or fixed a hole on the wall so she could gt her deposit. But she would hit me or throw Wine(I shared) in my face and devalue me and beat me like a dog if I had to go to work and couldn't help her do her responsibility. She was perfect in front of everyone else. After she discarded me she told people lies about me and hurt my reputation. I've never met a normal woman as in reciprocal every woman I know uses people plays chess with them to inflict pain or mental anguish. Toxic sludge. Infected with some sort of brain deficiency
Happened to me too. Love does not with them. He just got away when i was loving. I didnt undertsnad why. So when i was distant and cold bc of his reaction he got closer. Now i know he is a narc.
Oh god u have no idea how wrong you are. It seems like a lot of these comments sections are women looking for external reasons why their relationship failed
@chazzbranigaan9354 Right? Men who thrive on being treated poorly need it for stability. They feel safe there and it motivates them they don't trust anything else. It's from childhood neglect, not narcissism.
Yep yep, he says he's in love with my Puerto Rican spiciness but in reality he likes that I don't take his shit and I'm very No Nonsense about everything.
The only time his narcissism comes bubbling up to the surface is when he's intoxicated and disinhibited. So when I see him starting, I exit stage left and go to my best friend's house and don't come home until I know he's passed out.
This only happens a half a dozen times a year, so I'm fine with it.
Once I figured out the pattern and determined he only has States and traits of narcissism that only rear their ugly head every once in a while.... well, it ain't worth breaking up a 22-year marriage over.
Every time I read these comments, it's a reminder that I am really fortunate he's not pathologically (an every day) narcissist.
He gets most of his narcissism tendencies out at work anyway since he's a commission-based Salesman LOL
I feel like I'm an exception in a rare situation though.
I have been involved with a covert Narcissist.
To him any discussion is an argument.
Unless he has been drinking, conversation is limited to generalities such as weather. When drinking, he is the life of the party and charismatic, everyone loves him. Alone, he is a stranger and treats people he meets in bars the first time like best friends.. Initially, I thought he is friendly and he has lots of nice friends.
He does no exchange of ANY type of gifts even upon first seeing him.
I have been wanting to just stop caring, but am going in a circle over and over.
I just cannot get over the fact that my best friend and partner has and never had any intention of a working relationship.
In the beginning, we were building dreams, no I am in a circle of constantly defending myself for ANY type of behavior that doesn’t add up to his expectations! I have never cheated and am. Or a drug user or alcoholic. Also do not need him to support me.
This has more to do with not defining what types of commitment because we were building dreams,
until he had to actually do what he said he would.
Any suggestions? I am so lost 😞
It is amazing that the human mind has the same architecture in most individuals. The inputs from reality predictably causes certain outputs as far as behaviors, etc.
i actually disapointed because of shorter duration.. i used to hear your video to go to sleep 🥰 really love your voice, give me comfort.
I ran away and hid after 25 years, but was still fearful he would find me and shoot me. He remarried after the divorce, 15 years ago which he slowed down as much as possible and he wished I was rather dead. All of what you say here resonates...thank you!
I had some help for severe PTSD from an abusive childhood this year and can finally understand the confusing war that was happening continuously in my body, triggering and anxiety- very interesting when one understands it
This resonates with my experience. Once I figured out what he was I decided to put up boundaries and go gray rock. He did not react well to that- he went into a rage. Soon thereafter he tried to Hoover me. This went on for 8 months until he finally stopped. His demeanor is very different now. I hope I’m no longer on his radar. I’ve been guarded because he was very immature and impulsive, not knowing what he was going to do on any given day.
You are amazing ! Everything you described is exactly what happened to me. He initiated the break up and I went for divorce. He got into a rebound relationship which ended a few years later.
This explains conundrums I've wondered about in my own experiences with these types of partners. A "fungible commodity", yes, that makes sense. I've marveled at how these folks always have someone and after the end of a supposedly significant relationship, quickly pick up a new one, without skipping a beat. I'm satisfied to finally understand they live an ongoing internal fantasy, easily filling the temporarily empty role of "partner" with the next person who applies. What puzzled me now makes sense, and that feels good.
I’ve never heard this described so well and so detailed. Excellent job! 🔥
I got fed up with a martial arts professor. After 5 years of enduring his (swear word) (not being corrected for more than 3 years, not even saying hello to me, making fun of my glasses, and even more)...
I left the most horrible way to leave one of those soulless, I left without saying a word to him. Of course I greeted my classmates and thanked them for having taught me so much.
I regret nothing.😊
I was married to a narcissist for 20 years. He hits every single point of the worst narcissist, psychologically, male chauvinism ways. He’s younger than me and has admitted many times if not for me he would be in prison. Nevertheless, Dec. 24th 23 he beat me with an assault rifle. He has been in jail since. He will not sign divorce papers. Through out our marriage he has been with a man sexually as well as emotionally. He didn’t even show his compassion when my daughter died. When his male “friends” dog died he was all over him with love and understanding. So so many more things happened. I say please to anyone that is involved with a narcissist person RUN TO SAVE YOURSELF. I’m 70 years old and have nothing left. Please save yourself.
It's a miracle! LOL! Seriously, Dr. Vaknin, this "short" video is chock full of great instruction. Thank you!
There are days I wonder how being our mother's primary scapegoat affected who I became as a young man, and who I am today. From a very young age, I prayed that God would reveal and emplace mentors and courters who were antithetical to our mother, and I was blessed with many; but dealing with me came with costs.
Over the years I have reached out to some and thanked them for their time, love and attention. And, to some, I've apologized.
Interesting. My husband devalued me over and over but never discarded. I've been trying to understand what's going through his head since I left 10 months ago. Immediately afterwards, he called me his enemy for a few weeks. Now, he's carrying on like this is an ideal solution where we can still be married and go out. It's nuts!
He wants his cake and eat it.
@@NM-gy6tx he wants to keep the money and the status and I want to keep the peace.
Thank you. I have narsissistic patterns from my mother and father and I know it thank god. So I have been working hard to change patterns and be aware of them. Born as a hypersensitive empath with most likely asbergerssyndrom I was forced into this patterns through terror and violence as a kid. Took me years to understand what I was carrying. I have always holded on to my empathic soul and mind and today I have good knowledge of who I was suposed to be from the start.
Your humor is great. Thank you for your videos. I've been watching them the past 2 days. The information is so very helpful to me at this time.
Sam, you are a godsend. My ex narcissists, whom I did love a lot, he died, and now I realize how much I am like his mother I never seen it before now But to be fair I think he became my father figure to because he was so like my father Once he hurt me bad enough. I wouldn't let him beck. I never felt loved like it in my life. The way he loved me because I didn't want him, it was mad, but I know if I did go back the way I was in the beginning, he would go back to being him. I still love him . I'm glad he's at peace Because he really did suffer too . Narcissist are all in such pain . Life is about love and itid1878 s the one thing they can like ..SAD
Love listening and learning from your enlightening videos. Thank you so much!
I sometimes feel these people shouldn’t be loose in society. They have no good intentions to others. It’s so sad.
Look it up.
I just watched this twice! A great video. It resonated with me.
Thank you Dr.Sam Vaknin!
From AZ,USA
Thank you, Prof...your explanation of me being an introject has brought a calming and logical answer to my bewildered, distressed soul that could not understand the chaos and mind-games for 11 years of my life.
I dumped my boyfriend of 5 years. He was texting a female friend from his past regularly, met her for dinner and drinks a couple of times without mentioning it to me, made out with her in his truck and almost went to a hotel one night. I did not want to continue wondering or hoping he wouldn't take it as far as sleeping with her so I dumped him and refused to take him back. He said I had a hard heart and I was extreme to end a 5 year relationship over a "b00b suck." Am I the a**hole?😂
Nope. You’re good❤️😌you’re better off
You did the right thing getting rid of him.
He can't be trusted.
Best to meet a man who respects and adores you.
@missta1820 Thank you. Sometimes, I wonder whether I did the right thing. I feel like I'm under a spell over that man.
Um, HE ended it with the boob sucking 🙄
It alll starts with a ‘boob suck’ 🙄🤦🏻. Sounds like you tolerated him for too long. It was he who denigrated 5yrs of a relationship for a boob suck. 😵
Hi professor I was married to a malignant narcissist for almost 4 years I left him and put him out caught him off guard with the discard and I filed for divorce under cruelty and adultery .I gave him to many chances stayed too long in a demonic soul tie and situationship never again.
Thankfully I tuned into your insights today. Snapshot - my brother has recently died, as my punishment for having become the evil abandoning sister, I was not contacted when he was ill and dying nor was I informed of his death. His son was treated the same way. I had resigned as his sister etc, months ago. His death and my not being contacted was reminiscent of my mother, who stated in her will she had no children, I was not informed of her death. My mother and my brother were very similar, even though they lived their whole lives apart, never knowing each other, as mum put my brother up for adoption. Such a sad tragic family...compounded by drugs and alcohol. Thank you Sam, your words today, have helped me in my feelings of guilt, what could I have done better. I tried but got worn out, angry etc...complex stuff.
Stay Strong. Time will. Heal everything . On confronting my narc mother on how she did not invite me to step dads memorial service she snapped back "it was for family members only"...... I was too shocked to reply!!
I love your long videos professor! I felt special to have a stamina and intelligence to be one of the listeners who can handle longer then 12-18 min. videos:))
Please, at least once in a while keep up with a longer ones.
Needless to say how incredibly helpful and profound is all the information you provide. I’m your subscriber for a last year and a half. I wish discover you earlier.
Accurate and helpful as always! Thank you! Makes me think about my own traits that resemble what you described, my own feelings that I never really thought about. You just held up a mirror when you said: the narc takes that phantasy and put it on someone else and continues with it. I feel i have done that, too. My father is a narcissist and I often wonder if I am borderline or just have narcissistic traits. I have also been in several narcissistic relationships as well, always leaving them first. You resemble so much my father just by your way of expressing yourself, that charm mystery and confident feeling I get. That just confirms your work and my experiences. Thank you for all you do! It brings sanity and understanding!
My dad is a narcissist. The rage got to be too much when he was late picking me up where he said I have to meet him when I took the train to visit my mom (who is still married to him). He blamed me even though I met at the exact spot he said. He got the stop wrong and was elsewhere. Then he yelled at me after I waited for over an hour. And he of course didn’t apologize. I was being bitten by mosquitoes waiting with my dog and bike. But somehow this was my fault. He never admits he’s wrong, and he’s wrong a lot. And he will always blame me. But of course if I accomplish something, he says he “proud” as if he can claim any such credit for anything I do. I no longer speak to all the family that defends him treating me like this. I’m done.
Cut him off and stay gone ❤
The profound explanations of your analyzations are truly remarkable! I’m in awe of your work. Thank you so much ❤
I'm such a big fan of yours ! Thank you for the enlightenment, education and empowerment in recognizing my tormentor in truth.
The narcissist is definitely suffering from mental illness if he operates the wsy this gentleman describes. This is scary. Anyone living with this kind of relationship, especially malignant narcissist, I'm praying for you. Take care of yourself. Shame on them.
I like this new Sam. Naughty and playful. I watch anything you post no matter the length of the video. You explain it best :)
I blocked mine and got a protection order when I left, so he knew he would be arrested if he tried to contact me. I did hear stories of how he cried to his friends, how I was crazy, how I wanted to be his childrens mother, even though I got on extremely well with their mothers and all of his family & friends 😂 everything that he did was turned around and made out to be what I did. His new supply girlfriend messaged me after she left him asking if he had been controlling and abusive to me because his stories didn't add up due to how ended up treating her. So in the end, remain no contact, save your breath and move on. They will continue to do it with another person. Count your blessings.
Prof. Vaknin thank you for being you and for sharing your knowledge with the world.
We love you so much sam!❤
I can understand the narcissist who thinks he is the good one and she is the evil that one just walks away 😬😉 in his mind he is right
When you slay their asses with the truth. Etc. they WONT BE BOTHERING YOU AGAIN. I did 2 different bars. Disgarded them. Ended the relationship. I ain’t seen or heard from either 1 yet…
Cruelly, suddenly, abruptly, mercilessly, callously, RUTHLESSLY 😅😂😂😂
Your explanation of repitition compulsion makes the most sense. Lightbulb comes on. Thank you.
My daughter-in-law has used me as her secondary supply. My son is her primary supply. I discarded her when I recognized the Narc attributes. My son is still oblivious. All that you shared has been evident in horrific kaleidoscope colour. Thank you for making sense of what never had any basis in logic for the 15 years of my son's extremely sad marriage. "Sad" is becoming the most ill defined adjective since listening to you Professor Sam. I bow to your amazing enlightenment and thank you for the warnings and red lights of alarm that rebound each second I see or think of my son. 😪
I'm living the narcissistic cycle to a tee. I am not currently wanting to leave him. I do wish there were better skills to cope with some of his outlandish actions and tantrums. I'm learning as I go. We are looking into therapy for each of us. However finding anyone truly trained or knowledgeable is almost impossible. I know what he is clearly. I have no delusions that he will become someone else. I thought I was aware of all the dangers. I thought if it gets too far out of control I could just discard the relationship. I did not realize the extreme effect this could have. Dr Sam thank you for all of your insights and for taking the time to share your immense knowledge without emotionally mudding the facts. The new information about ASPD and how they transition between BPD, NPD and Primary Psychopath states is so accurate. It has opened my eyes to so much more. The transitional theory fits what I experience.
Look into self concept! It’s saved my life. Subconscious loz - ignore specific person stuff.. SELF CONCEPT! Is key.
This is an amazing presentation….
This was very informative and helpful. Thank you.
Did I actually "kill" my narcissist, or he just never cared about me? More than a year after I suddenly disappeared from his line of sight and no attempts of direct hoover so far. I'm an avoidant type of person, so that's my usual response to abuse which was covert in my case. I tend to escape from any information about his current life, is it mutual on his side or not? I just get a very awful feeling when I think about him possibly stalking me quietly like many narcissists do.
Oh Sam you are so charming. I love your sense of humor.
When a Narc begins sending their Flying Monkeys continually to attack you- that's when you know that they have realized you are done with them- and now they are trying to "maintain" their "good guy" or "girl" image.
I hadn't spoken to the Narc personally in almost a year of being No Contact. But, sure enough- he Hoovered on a Special Occasion day.
Because I had groveled and begged in the past for him to continue being in a relationship with me when he would discard me- this is what he expected me to do this time as well.
He tried to emotionally manipulate me. Said, "I cant give you what you want, but we can be friends?"
I hadn't even ASKED him to be in a relationship with me while we were speaking. He just "assumed" I STILL wanted to be with him.
He said, "lets just take things slow."
I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine for once. I said, "yes, lets just take things slow" back.
I then proceeded to Block him. I called him a Snake.
I got rid of all of my Social Media right after that. I dont need him randomly trying to find me- reaching out just to manipulate me emotionally because he's bored, or low on Supply.
Watching from Toronto Canada 🇨🇦
I have learned a lot from your videos. I have stated my boundaries. Since I have spoken clearly, he uses my name when he addresses me. Never before. Why is he doing this now? I don't understand. Thank you very much
This is 100% what goes in my mind, it's crazy
Wow - its so clear now ! Professor- .Thank You so much 😊
This comment is super late but wow Sam, I just love you.
I blocked my narcissist. Problem solved.
So did I 😊
Same here
Me too
💯💯💯
❤
I went through a terrible experience with this exact issue. I fell for a woman who had several boyfriends and a double life and I saw it from a mile away. My heart already has pain from an abusive childhood and this woman was the ideal fantasy lover and healer of my deep wounds. Once we engaged in a shared fantasy dynamic, I called it out loud with the proclamation that I was “vulnerable “ and had deep abandonment issues and the promise of safety and great sexual pleasure ect with her only made me realize how much work I needed to do on myself before I was stable enough to “dance” with her. This broke us both wide open to the fact that we both had deep wounds and needed to be aware of that. She is an artist and dancer and the loss of her as a friend and the loss of the fantasy we shared for a minute does hurt . But I also know that it was correct for me to “red flag” myself before I allowed myself to go deeper into a relationship that would be toxic. She went into a “sex cult “ and that is a heartbreaker. Hey, she has her needs met . And I still choose to not open up to new love interest because it’s not fair to myself or anyone else’s to be used to help support anyone else emotionally or in other ways. I had woman in my life before I got involved with this person. Now I choose to no longer be in a vulnerable position by falling in love with someone who fits my ideals. Why would any man invest himself only to be used and discarded? And why would anyone go into a relationship if the awareness of working on a relationship is the essence of having a relationship in the first place.
Well that shines a little bit of light on the fact that even though he actually filed divorce papers on me he keeps telling me I left him.. Perhaps in his mind he didn't think i'd ever have the nerve to go through it but I did, now I'm just trying to be there for my daughter and sons.. He keeps telling me I made the kids hate him, he cannot realize that they're growing up and they're seeing him for what he is..
I discarded a narc friend about 2 years ago, I always wondered how it impacted him. I assumed he would have flipped things around in his mind to be the victim, and became angry. He was already trying to blame me for his own behavior just prior to the discard, which is what prompted me to permanently cut ties. I also sensed that if we were to ever reconnect, that it would just be a mission of revenge on his part....so I would definitely never give him that opportunity.
Sam, you're just the cutest! I love your intelligence and informative videos that truly help me. Thank you! 😊
I broke up with my ex after 7 years of his yearly ‘snow bird’ trips overseas to his other partner. I sent him what he told everyone was a “Dear John “ letter. I chose NO CONTACT. It was devastating for me because I wanted to talk everything out, but his letter to me said he had hoped he “ had a positive influence on my life but understood my decision”. BS! Grandiose!
Prof. Sam! Thank you so much for your thought provoking talks. Thank you for the insights! I'm very grateful.
Please tell us more about narcissists as controllers and control freaks who live their lives, vicariously through other people. Narcs who take away other people's free-will, autonomy, merit/reward, and authentic creative life. Narcs who turn people into metaphorical "slaves"!
If they insist on controlling, does that mean, that they believe that they are superior?
Do they believe that they own others?
Why can't they just discretely do their thing, instead of living through us doing it for them?.
Search the channel.
Yes, they believe they own others.
after my mother in-law died my Narc X became physically dangerous and committed several class 4 felonies against me. He ranted and raged and destroyed property held hours long pity parties for himself. I believed he was transferring the rage he held against his mother onto me as for years it was clear he had replaced her with me as an object. I have had to be extremely careful after I got him out of the house.
Brilliant in depth explained
What if the narcissist mother died when he was a young child? When I left his covert and neglectful self erupted at me like nothing I would have imagined. While yelling at me he stated that me leaving hurt more than when his mother died. He treated me like a table leg for 29 years. I couldn't live another day without love. He won't fight for me but is doing everything possible to destroy my relationship with our older children.
I left my narcissistic husband in January. I did not tell him i was leaving because that would have been a week of hell. I planned, lived on pins and needles for a few days, and then i executed the plan. He came home, and i was gone.
They're really not very bright.
Would a psychopathic narcissist react the same way? It’s been 6 months since I discarded him. He’s stalking, hoovering, sending others to intimidate me and so fourth. Although I’ve involved the authorities it has not stopped. After getting the education on narcissism I realized I was his primary supply.
Will he ever stop?
He will when he finds a new source of narcissistic supply. And he will be the victim and the abused one. And there is no point in warning her because she won’t believe you. Women fall for men’s stories of victimisation hook line and sinker. They want to believe and want to rescue the poor hurt abused male. Will women ever grow up and ask themselves the question, why does his previous family refuse to have anything to do with him? It’s a dead giveaway. But they completely ignore what’s staring them in the face and carry happily down the road to their own destruction.
As far as the dynamics of intimate relationships go, all types of narcissists are the same.
Unfortunately expect the worst and hope for the best. Prepare for the worst and then everything awful that does not happen is a bonus. If possible move far away/ completely distance yourself. Keep the authorities involved. If he doesn’t eventually end up in jail for breaching orders against him, or incapacitated or dead, he will crawl back to under the rock he crawled from to look for a new supply. I moved far away from the 3 narcissists I grew up with. I’ve moved and to get where I am would take them a lot of time and money. As long as I don’t contact them, I’m no longer accessible to abuse and accuse. It’s been 2 yrs. They hoovered via other family members by getting them to say they want to talk to me and I should ring them.I said I would in front of a therapist which they would never agree to. But I say if they really wanted to contact me there is email which I’ve left open so at least I don’t have to hear their ugly voices again, and then forward the email to the authorities if they get stupid. But having it in writing will expose them so of course they won’t email. One did message me wishing me a happy birthday 🙄 on one media platform 18months after she said “It’s your fault mum suffered as she was dying and it’s your fault dad treats you the way he does” and then denied me from being able to attend the spreading of our dead mothers ashes. Knowing I could not get a flight so soon, and saying I was not welcome (coz I exposed to a distant relative the dysfunction and abuse after my sister said “fxck off and grow up and get over it”), and of which I forgot to block but I ignored it and blocked her. If I never see her again or hear her voice that is a great thing. 👍🏼
😢confirmation he told me I hurt him and I cause him walk out from his family when he knows that his family is the one that hurts him(parents)now he blames me but he married and I married and still wants me to be with him this is craziness 😢😢its sad case you speak a true story and he tends to forget things he have done😢😢😮😮
Today is December 26th of 2023.. I might have gotten the saddest epiphany of my my life so far. I am a Narcissist and have been utterly clueless to the possibility.. it all makes sense and its soo horrible. And i do have a great capacity of empathy which makes me that rare type. When I heard that first line from the Prof, something in my brain clicked in my ears tuned in a way that they haven't ever before.. I am very grateful and appreciate with immense respect and humility. I want to be a person not a parasite. Unfortunately, I have been born into it and have continued to live it without ever knowing.. being and having a healthy lifestyle is how I'd like to be now, but I am scared that I may be beyond help... I break my own heart 💔
I am open to any constructive feedback if anyone reads this.
I have always thought that one of my former gfs was a narcissist. She would gaslight me from time to time and when it was apparent for me that it was time to move on and I ended it, she didn't like that because it was not on her terms and she was not the one who initiated the break up.
Just leave him
I love his little jokes at the introduction of his videos 😊