The BEST Narcissist Protection! THIS will Repel a Narcissist.
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 19 พ.ค. 2024
- • Are they a Narcissist ...
It seems impossible to avoid a relationship with a narcissist. However, I believe if we are on the lookout for certain red flags and green flags, and if we have certain core beliefs about ourselves we will set ourselves up for success instead of being taken for granted. At the end of the day, a narcissist has no interest or capacity for actual intimacy or friendship or emotional connection, so the question is, are we clear on what we need and deserve in this relationship? Or are we placing our worth and value in someone else's hands, hoping they respect and prioritize us?
How to get HER in the MOOD (funny)
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#narcissist #relationshipgoals #datingtips
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Your self-love has to be louder than your desire to be loved.
This is the one that trips us up the most. This should be your #1 priority always.
love that
That'll preach!
Yessss!!! ❤
I learned about this stuff long ago. They might have created new terms which is alarming because books that were written about this topic will be overlooked.
Tell them a boundary and then sit back and watch them violate it on purpose
Omg! That's so true! I only had one with my ex and it was like he was plotting for quite some time how to break it and get away with it.
So so true. As soon as my boundaries were crossed I said bye bye. I caught him by surprise by ending it very early and I’m so glad I was unwilling to stay for it to escalate, it will only get worse the longer you stay, cut them off early.
@@cici77 it's as if they're studying us all the time. Initially I told my ex narc. what my ex husband had said to me years ago that made me know for sure it was over. So the narc, a few years later when we were arguing, used that, word for word. Creepy!
@@cyndimoring9389what was it? Can I use it lol
And then act surprised when we pull back and as if we did something to them, we're the evil ones... Make it make sense... 😅😂
Best relationship boundary with a narcissist, to NOT have a relationship.
I AGREE!
Amen❤
🎯🎯🎯
Well put and well said 🙏
Yep 🎉
"don't let anyone treat you in a way that you would never treat someone else."
That one made things more clear.
Yes!
Treat others like you want to be treated... Which means someone who cares for you will most times be doing this to you.
Love your neighbor AS you love yourself... You can only love others to the extent you love yourself.
It’s interesting how we have different standards for ourself than the ones we give out to others
@PaigeSqu
You don't know they wouldn't treat
someone else that way, I think they would.
@@sarahdarnell
I dont see many abusers follow that
@@ND-or5so it isn't about their standards, it is about our own.
Don’t talk about your boundaries. Just set and hold them. Talking about them will only educate a narcissist on what your vulnerabilities are, and they will exploit and manipulate them.
I've found if I'm declaring my boundaries I'm either trying to control someone else's behavior or not taking responsibility for my own boundaries. Although the ultimate boundary is only allowing respectful and loving people in my life. 😊
How do you set a boundary without saying what the boundary is?
I agree. Don’t let them know because they will act like they can somehow dance around them and use a back door to get around them somehow. It inspires their creativity and gives them a challenge.
I will set my boundaries up front from now on just to catch them doing what you just said so I can leave them, knowing who they really are.
@danastrickland5215 Something as simple as DOING THE ACTION of not responding to texts from him or anyone for that matter after 9pm. Instead, of FIRST VERBALLY saying to him or her "I don't respond to texts I receive after 9pm". You can verbally say the boundary after the potential narcissist has seen you practice it in real time. Another example is you leaving, if he's 1 hour late for date. When he sees you weren't there when he finally arrived at the location, and contacts you, that is when you verbally state, AFTER you've demonstrated to him in action, that you don't wait for more than an hour for late dates.
“ if somebody doesn’t care about your boundaries, they don’t care about you” wow wise words
A tip for anyone still feeling stuck in a relationship with a narc like I felt I was a few years back is this. Expose them in a very simple way. For example, I signed a 3 year lease on a house with mine earlier than I wanted to, then later realized he was toxic and broke up with him but he wouldn't let me out of the lease and he wouldn't leave the house because he still wanted to be together. He would rage at ke for HOURS for breaking up with him. I held firm and wouldn't get back together just to make him calm down and have some form of peace, so he would continued to throw massive fits and scream at me for hours. I bought a lock for my door but he still would break into my room and attack me for hours. One day I had the idea of pulling out my phone and recording him when he was in a rage. The first time I pulled out my phone and told him I would post the recording online for all his friends & family to see, he instantly stopped screaming, turned and started RUNNING in the opposite direction of me, up the stairs into his room. The second time, same thing, instantly stopped screaming and RAN, not walked, out the door. I never had to record a third time between he not only left me alone but 2 weeks later he found a new place because of his fear of being exposed was so intense. Start recording people!!!
Wow, wish I had known this. Thankfully NC for three years now.
They can’t stand to be shamed
Finally some actionable advice from someone. Amazing
Careful. This move got me attacked and my phone taken. How are you going to call police if they take your phone?
@@bethanywilks1097 Sometimes we are unconsciously committed to being victims. Meaning we might consistently find excuses for why we "can't" get out. There is always a solution but for some we don't always see it because being a victim is all we knew/know and where we subconsciously feel most comfortable. It can be a scary thing to step into your own power. But I promise you there is always a solution. Cameras are cheap and designed small to be hidden. Or even if you have an old phone laying around (I have at least 2) then use an old one to record while having 911 on speed dial on your current phone. If he tries to attack you help will be on the way and he gets to go to jail. My ex mostly raged at me in my room after I got off of work, but he would also follow me around everywhere raging if I tried to leave my room. Sometimes I'd lock myself in the bathroom and he'd just be screaming through the door. You can totally record that and call the police at the same time. And this may sound silly that I didn't know this but I found out later that screaming is considered domestic violence, you can call the cops simply for him screaming at you, you don't have to sit there and take his verbal tantrums or wait until he hits you to call the police. If you're not trapped in a lease, have your own income and source of living, or maybe you don't have it together financially yet but have family or someone to stay with just get out asap
Thank you! Healing from a 32 year marriage with a very charming covert narcissist. Your videos have shown me what real relationships should look and feel like. Thank you so very much.
Well done, Jimmy. I wish narcissism education had been available when I was selecting my first husband. And, my second. Thank you for spelling this out for people, who still may not be aware they're involved with a narcissist. I wish you every happiness.
I understand, 28 years myself. Wishing you lots of love and sending you warm hugs. We will get through this process.
Mine was 24 yrs and two brats who turned out just like him
@@kathysamson5691 thank you. Presently In trauma therapy for PTSD, Abandonment and Betrayal trauma. Really tough road that I never dreamed I’d be on. Leaning into Jesus and holding onto hope for my future.
@@CH56786 oh no. I’m so sorry for your experience also. My daughter is also married to a narcissist and she is losing herself and becoming an extension of him. Terrible for our relationship and my relationship with my two very young granddaughters. It’s so sad to watch. I pray that God will shine his light on her situation and my daughter will be able to see the mask before too much damage is done. Wishing you health and happiness on your journey.
Note to my self: IF I ever go to another family reunion, I will have my own lodging, and my own vehicle available to me 100 percent of the time.
that's what they teach in 12-step programs re: family.. Good for you!
Absolutely! That's my strategy too! ❤️
Best protection against narcissists (speaking from too much experience unfortunately) is being a mentally strong person with a strong personality, strong boundaries, a strong sense of purpose and belief in yourself. Even then some narcissists may view you as a challenge but they will usually give up pretty easily if you keep your focus on yourself - in a healthy way. Narcissists want people who will focus on THEM - not themselves. The best safety against allowing narcissists to get too close to you is to actually radically care about your own wellbeing 😇
They do as I’m super strong!!!💪 😂🤦♀️🤦♀️
Thanks as that is what I’m doing! ❤🙏🙏. God helps us as we deserve to be happy!!
Facts!
Yes!
Absolutely!!! After experiencing this for many years, I am just learning this tactic now! I had severe self esteem issues growing up and that's how this monster entered my life. But through the trials & tribulations I have learned to be stronger each day!
"Boundaries don't require them to agree with them for you to enforce them" This is empowerment gold.
Gaslighting is very subtle. Dangerous.
It can even be done with nothing but a tone of voice…pretending to cover the misdeeds they did to you. They know, but they’ll act as if you’re the one reading too much into things. They’re testing you. To see how much you’ll take.
That's why It is so important to review from time to time to whom we give our confident.
Number one sign of a narc is that they bash everyone except you, but only at first. The bashing eventually lands on their intended target, you. Anyone who shows off- has to be the center of attention in a group, the funny one at the party, the winner of every game, the most talented, is the narc. No more funny people, they are narcs in disguise
This is 1,000% accurate
Most talented? Nope, they think they are...
🎯
Attention seeking, yes but talent and competiveness is not absolutely true at all.
They really are competitive. They always have to win over their target, one way or another. Talented? They just believe they are the most talented, intelligent person in the room..
Grew up with a narcissistic mother, divorced a narcissistic wife. Recently came in contact with the person who wanted to be my friend and this guy did the equivalent of friendship love bombing. This time I understood what was happening and that explaining it to them would be worse than useless because they would just use it to make me feel like shit for not wanting to hang out with them. I don't trust him. When I explained that I was busy and needed my space, he pushed harder. I now understand that it is not just my right, but it is my healthy obligation to myself. Thanks for your support.
Don’t think a narcissist is able to listen to this very deep talk! You’re wasting your breath because they have no empathy. They are not your project , your only option is to RUN! They don’t understand boundaries and will never know how to respect them. Stop caring! Stop explaining! Stop 🛑! Leave!
Narcissist, takes your words, and turns them around to fit what they want you to be saying.
Exactly
Yes! This! They do not hear what you are saying. They twist it to suit themselves.
1. Talk about your boundaries. Pushes the wrong person away. Understand what you deserve and what relationship needs to be fulfilling and respectful.
2. Do not trust who lack accountability.
3. Vulnerable with you. Safe enough to be curious about each other lives/love. Take things slowly in the beginning.
4. Genuine empathy as a skill. Learn when it’s time to leave(doesn’t care about how their behaviour affects you, abuses you, neglectful, demeans, blame, gaslights, dismissive). Doesn’t have capacity to love.
Look for honest, consistent with actions and words, repair conflicts with you, not confused all the time, desire to be safe place to be honest. Become person who stands up for themselves, who doesn’t need saving, advocate for legitimate needs and boundaries, desires respectfully , knows their worth and value, treats others with kindness, respect, consideration and understand its reciprocated in their relationship otherwise it won’t happen.
💯💯💯
Thank you
My Mom married a full-blown narcissist recently. Sometimes I work with him and I never let him get away with anything. I hold him accountable and he hates it
pls keep this up on behalf of those who have been abused by these people👏👏
I can absolutely testify of the power of setting boundaries. In dating the man who is now my husband, we set all sorts of boundaries to protect our relationship. Neither of us wanted to engage in any sexual relations outside of marriage, and so I thought a curfew was wise. And he helped me stick with it, even when it was hard. And he always respected my body and person. The way a man touches you is very indicative of his respect for you, and I saw that he never touched me in ways that were inappropriate or sexual. Now, 4 years of marriage later, I am grateful for this absolutely wonderful man in my life!:). He is a loving father and devoted husband, and I am so grateful we set those boundaries that helped us draw even closer together.
How wonderful for you!
I’m wondering then, if your relationship with your husband is as you indicate, why are you listening to this video?
I’m here b/c I wish to learn more about myself and how I fell vulnerable to allowing a narcissist into my life.
Probably for the same reason I watch most other TH-cam videos...It showed up and looked interesting 😅.
Now, the reason I took the time to share my personal experience is because I feel that we are trained in society to feel like we can't set boundaries, and I wanted to add my own witness that what Jimmy was saying about boundaries was true. Regarding your own personal experience, you need to know that there is nothing wrong with you. I am sure you have a heart full of love. Unfortunately, abusers (and narcissists) use the genuine care of others to manipulate them. That's where boundaries are so powerful, especially up front; don't waste a single minute with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries or treat you or your person with respect.
Love and prayers for you, dear friend. I hope you find the happiness and healing you are searching for.
You are worthy of it.
This is such a wonderful and happy story. I hope more men like your husband exist where we can share values!
Good for you if it is mutual! My wife also set boundaries about our sexual relationship with her and I tried to respect that and give her time and space. It went to a point where I noticed that my sexual needs are not met and whenever I brought that up I've been blamed of being sexual and devaluing love down to sexual activity. She thinks, the way she wants it, is enough. But it ended up to my resentment and after 15 years of marriage I came to a point that I am revising my relationship.
Boundaries are MAGIC. Setting standards and holding space for respect of self is sooooo important. Boundaries make healthy people feel really safe. When someone responds badly to a boundary it is a GOLDEN clue.
I am 74 and just learned about 'taking care of myself'.. I always thought it meant being independent.
😢 sending love and light
Exactly me, too, only I'm 71.
Im 31 and my nana is 75 and shes been a victim of her time and horrible childhood her mother abandoned her and beat her she then had marry her abuser and then had a stillborn due to him terrorising her mentally and in every other area you can think of(in the 60s scotland) 100% narc my grandfather, but he reaped what he sowed in the end dying alone and his last days afraid.
I listen to all the older women around me realising, due to trauma bonds and living in times where women had it much harder with almost next to no choice😢 and their own families dysfunctional attitudes. And societal condtioning to be damned if you do or damned if you dont as a woman.
I sit and think of how i feel at 31 realising about self care and that i am never going to accept the unacceptable again. Narc abuse has driven me to suicde in the past.
I am in utter respect for you ladies and gents and them. At finding yourself in your 70s and beyond. I wish lots of healing 🎉 your way and i hope yous get inner peace and a sense of safety and contentment❤ you deserve to have that in your life.
I couldnt have lasted to my 70s with my abuser i salute you for being such strong people ❤
@@fairy12324
❤️🕊💜🕊
I am 77 years old. And right now about to get away. Thanks to some wonderful friends who love me & understand what I have put up with all these years.
I am so thankful for all these TH-cam videos that having given me knowledge as to what has been going on all these years.
Getting out while I still have my sanity.
I've heard: "I'm sorry," quite often.
But time told me that's just what needed to be said to obtain the desired reaction.
Yep. Narcissists are never truly sorry.
@@annwallace3441 I think they are... They just never Authentically Apologize 😉
"I'm sorry" can totally be a manipulation. My son's dad always took the blame in order to reel me back in.
It’s not an apology unless they try to make it up to you.
@@freezo244 How would you have them make it up to you?
I've just had another experience with a co-worker who totally disrespected me, bullied, and acted in a very aggressive way. It's a part time job, no real income from it, but I enjoy the time spent in serving the public. I refused to respond to this bad behavior. SO, I talked to the owner and ask for different days to work. Explained the situation with the co worker
Have learned from the past not to argue, it's a no win situation. The owner agreed, and apologized for the person, with I told him was not necessary, this was for her to do. I refuse to he disrespected, critizied and bullied. I am worth being respected and valued. Thank you!
To add...if someone calls you names during a fight or demeans you in any way, that's their way of showing how capable they are of being disrespectful. It won't change. Run.
I have stated my boundaries around people right away. They played me. They pretended to respect my boundaries and crossed them later harming me. I'm not giving details,, but predators are experts at pretending they care in the beginning,
Damn... So what is the solution 😵💫
Don't talk about your boundaries. That's your secret. Observe how their character is without giving them a marking sheet@@Nerine98
That's exactly what Love Fraud Predators will do with your boundaries!! Thanks for pointing this out!
. If I wasn't in shock for a few hours, I would've called the police. He was scary and my friends and family guided me through.
You're so right.
It is so, so vital to hear a MAN deliver this message and bolster the good work of female counselors spreading this message. Thank you!! 🙂
Yes!!!❤
I told my 46yo brother I know he's a narcissist last september and I haven't heard much from him since. It's bliss 😂
I’ve wondered if I should do that to create permanent space, or if it would enrage him. I’m worried he could be vindictive!
THIS should be the most shared video on the internet.
I found a MASSIVE tool to practice when I was confused and had low self worth.
I noticed in therapy that my (now ex) wife would behave drastically different in therapy than at home alone with her. It was as if she was a different person, i jokingly thought to myself things would be fine if we had a therapist as a roommate.
The tool was that I started recording our conversations (video & audio) because i wanted to demonstrate this difference to the therapist. She lost her mind when I started doing this. Blamed me for trying to manipulate other people to believing that she was a horrible person. My response was that the only thing I would be recording was how she behaved. So there was nothing to be embarrassed about but her behaviour. And furthermore if she didn't want anyone to see how she behaved behind closed doors, then why was she behaving that way, and why was it ok to treat me that way.
She escalated further, but I gained a great deal of clarity from her apprehension towards being recorded. Recording someone is archiving accountability.
Classic sign of a narcissistic relationship, feeling the need to actually tape a conversation because what they say is not what they admit to later ("I never said that!"). Sadly enough, the unreality of the gaslighting behavior definitely makes sense to record them. These people are just so awful -
This is where I’m at. He found out I was recording and took my phone and deleted everything. Then told his whole family I’m trying to set him up to get him in trouble.
@@Wellwouldyalookatthat yup, that happens. Turns out reputation sabotage is a last minute attempt for control when they realize that you are getting wise. Its an attempt to discredit you before you have a chance to expose their behavior.
Good news for you is that means that you are developing the awareness needed for a healthy relationship. Basically behavior carries more weight than words. It might be difficult, but moving forward, try not to get pulled into sabotaging their reputation nor getting defensive about what they say about you.
People who really know you and care about you won't be swayed by rumor milling. And those who are, or who judge you based on what someone else says about you rather than your actions & behavior, weren't really that invested in you in the first place.
If you find yourself confused by their words (or twisting of words) try to remind yourself that you matter. And people who matter don't deserve to be treated as such.
Another thing narcissists do is look at you as an inanimate object, so if a plastic cup is cracked or broken it gets thrown out, that is how they see people, that is how they treat people when and especially if they find a new supply for their mountain-sized ego. Yet they find it difficult to be alone/single and not getting constant praise. They very much care how things "look" to others this matters to them a lot. They are also not very kind to animals and often neglect their children at home or are only pleasant when their child accomplishes something "superficial."
Edit: will add that of course there are levels to this and not 100% of narcissists are exactly the same, but thwse are just some of the things to look out for.
Not all are superficial but the overt ones are!
So True, my Ex Narc would act like he was interested in the children Activities, but he always made up an excuse to be busy.
Not all of them dislike animals, especially their own
I don't know about that. I think they love their pets because they get unconditional love when they want it, they have to do the minimum, they can leave them home all day and the dog is always happy when you come home, and doesn't care if you give them just a morsel, they give you their whole heart.
@Nerine98 Definitely not all and of course there is a spectrum and there are levels to each individual.
I'm now put off by men who are very enthusiastic about me very quickly, who lovebomb me and really step on the gas. If you have no experience or are needy, you can think that's 'real love' - in adult eyes it's just 'absurd'. If you don't know me, you can't love me, can you?
Personally, I don't care what makes men tick - even co-dependent people can lovebomb you. None of this works for me. I want a mentally and emotionally mature man by my side - or I'd rather be alone.
And yes - setting boundaries separates the wheat from the chaff.
You can't change anyone. I've stopped trying to change men. They are how they appear to me, and that's that. There's nothing more to know. The only question is: Is this good for me? Do I feel strong, safe and beautiful with this man? If no, I know what to do.
Edit: I don't know how it is in the US, but here in Europe the use of swear words in a relationship is rather unacceptable. Nothing where you take a deep breath for 10 minutes and then move on. For me, the fact of being called swear words would be a reason to break up, not an annoying detail.
Same. I am in USA and the use of put downs or swear words is a reason to break up.
My ex narc called me the C word once, after I cut him out of my life, he crawled back months later... Sure enough, he called me the same word after promising on his kids life he never would again 👀 These parasites have zero morals or class. And yes, I dumped the creep for good 🌻
Sitting here in tears. I told myself I wouldn't watch another video about narcissism. Some part of me knows the truth but it always gets an override from the part of me that says, "maybe its you, you are not nice, you are always complaining, you are never ok, you never laugh, you are not fun, you are too sensitive, too serious...." and sadly that voice is louder inside me.
I had a crap couple weeks that have left me in this same depressed " how do I get out of this relationship" hamster wheel, where I beat myself up, cry, come undone, act like a crazy person ask for things, beg for things I need from a person I don't like at all. (its complicated).
Today I clicked here and something resonated, maybe I am just ready to start doing thing differently, living a different way.
He isn't a bad person, he works hard, he shares his paycheck, he is adventurous and the life of the party. He just isn't for me. I feel like a pet, or an armchair, a personal assistant. Some one he needs, but not someone he sees or values as a human being. Maybe that is dramatic.
I feel physically ill every single morning. Like morning sickness with my babies. I don't look forward to the day even when I have something to look forward to. If he is not included, if he doesn't have better plans I always get sabotaged... I do it to myself.
I think I am ready to start listing more, and hurting less...not sure how to move this ball forward but I have to try, I am not getting any younger. It's been too long.
Wow, I’ve felt that myself for far too long. Almost fifty years. My husband treated me like a bunch of body parts. He never respected my individual self. Finally when I told him to stop grabbing me between the legs, that it was disrespectful! He raged and said ‘fine! I’ll never touch you again’ and the last twenty years, he didn’t. I didn’t miss it at all. I took care of him while he was dying, I don’t even know if he appreciated anything I did
Wow. Hypothetically let's say some of it is in your head (though it probably isn't), if you feel physically sick and don't look forward to the day because of your relationship, it doesn't necessarily matter if it's in your head or not. If it all boils down to miscommunication or a bad mix of personalities, it's making you sick and it's making you feel awful. I also do that thing where I rely on other people to tell me if I'm being too sensitive or if my reaction makes sense, probably because I have some attachment issues. But if you're really trying to figure it out, you can list out his specific actions that make you feel more like a pet than someone who is valued. Because sharing a paycheck is something you probably do in a marriage, and being the life of the party can be nice, but that doesn't have anything to do with the way he treats you. You are just as valuable as the cool kid who is the life of the party, you don't deserve disrespect simply because you're not as "charming". If you feel sick and you're unsure of yourself I think you might be crushing and damping down your own identity and personality to conform to what you think he wants from you/to barely get through the situation. I have done that as well, taking treatment I hate and even smiling or laughing or "ignoring" it because it seemed better than facing it, and you feel super weak and you lose yourself because you're willing to be anyone and you're afraid because you think you can't handle it. Bless you, I hope you know you're valuable as the person you are.
wishing you love and good luck!! it's a tough journey but eventually you will get to the place you want to be. ❤
A therapist can help you learn to stick up for yourself. Ask your doctor to recommend a good one for you.
Been through all this but you will get stronger I fed for you
I have a friend who is going through a divorce after 36 years. I remember a few red flags from early in their relationship. Once, he was sitting behind her when she was driving on the highway. She accidentally left the turn signal on, and he became so irritated with her that he yelled and kicked her through the back of the driver's seat. Mind you, she didn't tell me about this. I was in the car with them, and I saw it first hand. I could never imagine putting up with such an abusive stunt. This wasn't the only incident I witnessed either. Imagine how much worse he probably behaved when others weren't watching. How I wish I had asked her about it or offered to help at the time.
People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Be smarter & stronger than these creeps.
I talked about all the stuff....but it just teaches them what to hide
Great point and if they went to therapy!!!!! Oh my goodness ! An educated dark personality is dangerous!
@Portia620 truth, especially with academic/counsellor trained sociopath. They can literally turn tears on and off to manipulate you too.
Absolutely as that’s what my Ex husband seemed to do so well…. Split 4 years ago my life is still not even close to prior to meeting him and spending almost 10 years… Never ignore the red flags 🚩 they are definitely right in our face from the beginning we just have to be more honest with ourselves & run 🏃 in the opposite direction… I’ve tried dating but feel I’m damaged as I run as soon as I see something to familiar. It’s hard being on my own tho I constantly remind myself how awful it really was to be with that person and how sad & angry I was most of the time around him… He was only ever sorry when I called him out, then it was a rushed I’m sorry “but” always a but after a sorry… Only sorry he got caught
That’s TRUE
This has happened when i tried as well
I told a man I’d been dating only briefly that I wouldn’t sleep with him if he was sleeping with other people. He was actually a very good communicator and well-practiced at being able to talk about things many other men would shy away from. So I felt safe creating this boundary with him. And he graciously wasn’t interested in that arrangement. It was a little awkward, but we parted ways very amicably. And it was such a good experience for me. Now I have no trouble expressing such things early on. I am not interested in casual relationships, and now I don’t waste any time or effort on men that aren’t interested in what I’m looking for. I truly respect that man and have no judgment about his dating preferences. And our open conversation was proof that men that know how to communicate and be respectful do very much exist.
And that there are men who can be honest and succumb tobinstabt gratification regarding women bc he could have lied to you, like some males do, and said he's NOT sleeping with anyone else, so he could sleep with you. But instead he was honest with you and respected your standards.😊
@@rosej5029I know! I thought the same thing!
His List of what repels a narcissist/toxic person:
0:42 1. Talk about your boundaries
7:34 2. Hold them accountable
12:56 3. Vulnerability on both sides
16:49 4. Genuine Empathy
PS: I absolutely HATE when people (mostly guys) don't apologize for their behavior but for "the way I'm feeling about it"! 😅
Makes me go full she hulk!
I, unfortunately, share a child with the narcissist in my life. He moved 3,000 miles away when he found out I was pregnant, so I thankfully don't have to deal with him very often. But the times I do are less anxiety filled thanks to videos like this.
As hard as it is to be left, the lucky ones are the ones left by the narcissist! You definitely don’t want them to hang around!
@StellarHeron So true. It's bittersweet in terms of our child, but then I think of the chaos our lives would have been if he were still local. Yikes! I count my blessings!
It takes a lot of planning and thought to protect your child from a narcissist's manipulation. Even if they don't want responsibility now, as the child gets older, the narcissist may be plotting to train them or use them at some point, or poison them against you. Keep records, get them a counselor in advance.
@Rickettsia505 no need mine died.
@@lilc5353 🤣🥰 a good reason to celebrate 🎉
Described my Ex and my mother! I had to take a deep look at myself to see why I ended up in an abusive relationship. Just because something's familiar, doesn't mean it's safe!
Familiar does not mean normal :-)
One can speak to accountability all they want but if they are empty words, then it's time to go back to the drawing board. Truly narcissistic behavior is by definition unaccountable.
Well, if you say you won't accept something, it's up to you to refuse it, even if that means leaving the relationship. The narcissist will always try to get their way, no matter what the other person says.
I literally had an ex tell me, “I don’t need you to hold me accountable.” And that was the final nail in the coffin.
Some narcissists will test you on 2-3 date as it happened to me becuse they want sex quick. So boundaries will make them ghost you, better early than ever. Narcs hate boundaries.
Yes exactly 💯
Amen. Better to lose them in the beginning than after 20 years and 2 kids.
I want sex on the first date lol I’m not a narc I just want sex
Or they want sex quickly to determine if you are sexually compatible or not. No chemistry, no romance
So true. They will pressure you to have sex in demeaning ways. Don’t do it ever!! WALK! They are pigs🐽
The bottom line is, to know your needs and boundaries. We can't change narcissistic people but we can change how we choose to be treated.
Sometimes narcissists take a lot of time to reveal their true colors. I knew a co worker for 30 years and considered him a friend. BUt the moment he became my boss his entire personality changed. When I did a little forensic work I realized that he had never had anything good to say about anyone we both knew. Including his wife. And his daughter. I called our producer and told him 'I cannot allow myself to be managed by anyone who cant manage themselves'. I didn't quit, I just didn't respond to his rage texts and messages. I eventually worked out a deal with the producer who paid me thru the end of my contract. I'll never speak to my former 'friend' again. I did run into him once and I looked right through him as if he wasnt' there. Because for me he never was.
Another thing I've found to detect them before they switch is they're obsessed with dodging blame.
People pleasers are also obsessed with blame but they're trying to take all the blame, even if their not at fault.
They are the first one that is surprised when you leave. And they do move on quickly.
The narcissist in my life is my mom, and my brother is married to one so he's now whatever version of one a victim turns into after 24 years. I'm a late bloomer in "choosing me" and creating boundaries. After a single instance two months ago with my first time ever speaking to my brother about boundaries ("I am interested in having mutually respectful conversations and I'm on board when my input is included, welcomed, respected. I'm no longer willing to participate in non-productive conversations, which is when I'm treated with disdain and contempt both verbally and in non-verbal communication, when I'm cut off mid sentence and not allowed to finish, and when deflection off-topic goes into questioning or nit-picking and I'm pushed into defending mode over irrelevant little things such as why I parked in the place I parked."), he won't talk to me now. This is devastating to me. But I'm not going to rescind my new boundaries with him.
Since I'm so new to this, I'm completely lost in what I need to do for me when it comes to my mom...
Thank you so much for your videos. They are helping me so much... You are very much appreciated❤
Coming from a home where narcissism is present is a tough road. Have you thought about seeking therapy to help you navigate the path? Sometimes it helps to just have someone validate your feelings and remind you that the expectations and boundaries you have are not only reasonable, but necessary for your own mental health.
@@lilhawk81 Your words are appreciated - thank you. And thank you for 'reinforcing' my thoughts on therapy... I'm looking at finances now in rearranging some things so I can afford to do so. Hoping, also, I might find support group meetings, maybe, that may be a little bit less in cost?!
Sounds like going in no cotact could be a healthy option for you. All the best!
@@tnelson5027 talk to your Dr and check public health sites - sometimes one can get group or short-term therapy on sliding scale to your income. Also, online options can offer the same without the added cost of taking time off work and travel. You can do this!
Narc mother, it affects your mental, emotional, pyscological, physical health, nervous system disregulation
Spent 58 years on repeat, until my body said no more! So I tried to have, relate in healthy ways, but to a narcissistic person, you can't be you, you can't be authentic, they covertly punish you, when you least expect it.
So exhausted, I walked away, full no contact, 9 months ago, it's a painful decision, she's elderly and last week needed help.
I ignored, didn't respond.
You grieving for someone , a mother who couldn't love you unconditionally as a child. A lost connection with most important person in your life.
Radical acceptance ❤
I talked about my boundaries, I talked about my trauma. She used my trauma against me and violated my boundaries anyway.
The point is to get away after that. It does not change them. It tells you who they are, so you can get away
Yeap…
They're masters at using your traumatic experiences against you. They're soul sucking parasites!
The advice in the video is bad advice unless you can give firm consequences for transgressions I.e. completely cutting contact and they can't reach you.
Narcissists can't do anything with the information out of the goodness of their heart. Unfortunately they are parasitic and only respond to consequences.
The point is that if she/he tries to break your stated boundaries, then you know they are toxic and to get out!
Better to don’t even engage. Run don’t walk.
Too often the narcs best pick is “hoping” they’ll be “picked” “chosen”!!! Start shopping for what YOU want! Get off the shelf!!!! Be the shopper!!!
This man is brilliant. Thank you for adding DO NOT STAND UP TO THEM, face to face is NOT the time.
I spent YEARS desperately trying to please my oldest sister, having so much anxiety trying not to set her off, inevitably setting her off, and blaming myself. It was an uneven relationship because I played the role of the pathetic flying monkey desperate for any scraps of positive energy thrown my way, but also probably feeding off of the negative attention too, somehow. Once I began to get some self esteem and put up healthy boundaries she had no use for me. It really hurt, but then I realized, after a couple of years, that I was healing and my life was going better than it was when I was constantly struggling to please someone who couldn’t be pleased. She tried to get back into contact with me by lashing out, and when I didn’t respond positively to that as I had in the past, instantly cowering and begging to be accepted, she really snapped and began a hate campaign against me. She tried to position herself as the leader of the family, having events and then not inviting me. Honestly, it was kind of freeing to see pics of all of these people all together and realize I didn’t miss them. They all agreed that she was horrible, but what could they do? She was the one who held the event, after all. Impossible for them not to go, right? lol. She’s had the nerve of trying to lash out at me from time to time, saying horrible things, but I would rather have no family than be forced to hang out with an abusive person just to feel “included,” going home in tears like I did after every single family holiday back when I was under her thumb. No thanks ❤
Got damn right! 💯💯 The BEST defense against a narcissist is loving yourself/your boundaries! ❤️❤️💯💯💯💯💯
My husband would never take a break and come back after 30 minutes it will be silent treatment for days and days
He did a video on stonewalling which may be helpful 👍🏼
Same.
Covert Narcissist cannot discuss and resolve.
Yep, my mom did the same. When I was a teen we had this really big fight which sent me running out crying and not returning for days. She didn't respond to my texts and never ONCE even asked where I was or if I was safe. I only realized how... weird that was, when I went back to collect some clothes and suddendly the landlady came out crying and gave me a big hug, because SHE had been worried sick that I might've got hurt...
Weeks even.
Mines done that for months at a time
narcissist kryptonite = video record every interaction 24/7
I talked about my boundaries with my husband before we got married. When I got pregnant everything changed with him.
🎯 yes, they are jealous of the baby getting your attention and will covertly hurt their own children or not intervene when they need help as they want the child out of the way. I had to flee with the baby and a few carrier bags after this truth revealed itself. How niave I was , thank God for His mercy and Strength 🙏🏻
I just dawned on me today that the best way to recognize a narcissist is to show them a really, really heart warming photo of for example small puppies and watch their reaction. If they don't have a heart-felt reaction, you are most likely dealing with a narcissist, because they have NO empathy.
I wish it were that easy… my husband has learned thru watching normal people how to move his face and change his tone and say “awwwe”
But it’s nothing more than an act. Nowadays I just cringe when I hear that gross pretend ‘empathy’.
That is kind of stupid... I for example am autistic and i will almost 100% not give you the reaction you'd expect - letalone an emotional one. That does not mean i have no empathy (im overempathetic and its a key issue in my therapy currently) nor does it mean im narcissistic.
Also, in Meyers Briggs Personality testing there are types that are “Thinkers” and people who are “Feelers”. The Feelers are the Empaths, the ones that care about others, while the Thinkers do, their personality leans more to the less empathetic end of the scale.
Ooh! I like that test!! Good tip!!
@@Electric-Bird-Set-Freeexactly they are experts at telling people what they want to hear! Pure sleazy.
Jimmy I'm not sure that 30 minutes break is enough for someone calling you names. People who don't control their words tend not to control their acts, too. Calling names can be begging of abuse, we should immediately leave them. Agree with everything else
I finally realized my worth and what I give, do, and who I am in a relationship and left, went no contact. Nothing they can say or do will get me back, time to focus instead my studied, work, health, and peace of mind.
I said to my partner, "i dont want to have sex for at least 6 months, i want to get to know you first." I was 6 months out of a 3 month relationship with my close friend of many years. He was super abusive, and i was SA'd a lot. I really wanted to feel like i knew my partner before getting into things like that because i met him so soon after, and i needed time. He was angry and said that he could wait a couple of months. I bent to his will, and he was shocked when i broke down crying during the first time. He was confused about why i would slap him away when he came too close. I was working through PTSD. Btw he was a virgin... his whole life, and he couldn't wait 6 more months for my comfort. He did explain it's because he didn't want to be led on, but to me, that's not enough.
Awww I’m sooo sorry you had to go through that, I pray that Jesus heals those wounds that the enemy used people to try n destroy you😔 I’m glad you are out strong & still living🥰. May Jesus use your what you went through as a testimony for others😊in Jesus name 🙏🏽❤️
he's a piece of shit, I hope you got rid of him. A decent and respectful partner will always agree to wait and you wouldn't even need to explain why you ask to wait. Take care.
He showed you right then and there that he did not actually respect your boundary. Please leave this guy. I speak of what I know, and have also been sexually assaulted. They just keep pushing; they don’t get more respectful. I wish you much healing. 🙏🏻
Honestly making the man wait 6 months for sex in a relationship is often a trap for men. My first girlfriend did that to me. Told me she wanted her first time to be special, needed to trust me. After 7 months of dating, me providing for her etc she decided to lose her virginity to a random guy at a party. It absolutely crushed me. Women usually don't understand or care but this kind of thing absolutely destroys men. It's like the gender equivalent of a guy refusing to marry his girlfriend of 10 years then marrying his next girlfriend 2 months into dating her.
@@couragefox Wow how "relevant" to her comment! Instead of saying something constructive to a traumatized person, you made it all about you and your "tragic" lack of sex. (and 7 months = 10 YEARS? Narcissist's "math" lol) 🤣
Therapy gives them a shield to fight with. Cut all contact, save yourself and loved ones.
Just got out of a very short (thank God) time of dating someone. I knew, when a conflict arose and he became mean and accusatory, that I couldn’t live the rest of my life with someone like that. But you have helped me to see clearly the behaviors even before that that were signs I needed to get out. Thanks for your videos!
Unfortunately they are in my family. Yes, that was a plural. It is interesting to see the mechanics, but it is also sickening, tiring, and painful.
Absolutely! If we don’t let ourselves be controlled from the beginning, then narcissists won’t want us anyway
They stop being interested once they realize you aren’t able to be manipulated.
Thank you, Jimmy, for this valuable upload!
When I replace “narcissist” with “people with toxic behavior patterns”, this highly resonates with my experiences. Toxic childhood conditioning is a killer. I have doubted myself a lot as I attracted quite a few of that species in my life, making me question my sanity and worth. It took a long time before I started to set, enforce and live by my boundaries.
Thank you for the video. Thats the route I took with my ex. He was always making it seem like I wasnt doing enough in the relationship although I was doing most of the work...he would make me out to be a terrible person so I said, "I dont have anything more to give so if youre not satisfied with me and you feel mistreated, I will bow out gracefully because I just want you to be happy even if its without me" He still deemed it as abandoning him.
@haneefah
That's how twisted they are....
NICE!
Sure wish I’d known this instead of the 10 years of misery, loss of my retirement, loss of family, loss of my children.
Am I the narcissist? I feel like everyone I meet is a narcissist, and I"m starting to wonder if I"m projecting onto others what I am myself. I have not met very many people who are decent. Of course I feel that I"m a decent person, so I'm probably the narcissist. I have zero friends because I'm not interested in narcissists. They suck the life out of me. People are nice, and you let your guard down, then BAM! the agenda begins to reveal itself.
I don’t think you are. Jimmy has videos on this topic and many of us feel this way.
Narcissistic people can’t stand other narcissists from what I’ve heard.
I think those of us who attract them are the type to try to believe the best about everyone. We have to learn discernment and how to listen to our gut when we meet people and have clear boundaries.
I hope you find people you can trust! I’m in the same boat btw, starting over in a new city.
I feel the same
A narcissist would never introspect on their own behavior like you are doing. Most likely what is happening or has happened is someone has gaslit you, telling you that you are the cause, when, in fact, it is them who is the cause.
I’ve had similar experience… except for my business I have a lot of nice clients… but for romantic w men it’s been horrible and some friendships not all
I asked my counselor this because this weird town i moved to it seems all ive met are narcissists too, 20 yrs now ive been here...o thought od find a husband,but no way..so so many female and male narcissists. But she said no, she knows for a fact im not a narcissist..my mother is and somehow i subconsciously 'gravitate' toward them. (This town was also founded by bootlegger families...so, i may be surrounded by narcissistic families 🤕)
This is absolutely true. I grew up with a narcissist mom and brother and after 40 years of my life was destroyed, I rebuilt it and it was only after I learned how to love myself completely that I now feel fear from both of them when they’re around me. So much that they don’t mess with me anymore. Self Love is the strongest armor against manipulation and gaslighting.
Both my parents and my sister are narcissists. This channel has helped me so much to figure out how to handle them. Thank you.
1:07 1:22 👏🙌👌Any relationship can fail because of the lack of compatibility but how it fails tells us much about if we are dealing with a narcissist or not.
You're absolutely right! Thank you for your videos I have often sent them to my husband but to no avail. He knows he's not doing right so he's just running like a coward to another state it probably is a blessing disguise but it's so hard because I am 61 years old and I've been married to him for 30 years
It IS a blessing in disguise! You’re not dead yet, and you can enjoy the rest of your life in peace. Please get some therapy so that you can heal. 💜
I was married to a fragile narcissist for 20 years, and while he frequently use threats of ending the marriage to manipulate, when i left he was entirely mystified. Now, 5 years later, he is still clueless, although i did lay it out for him, in writing. At first he insisted that i found someone else - the truth is i didn't even look at/for anyone - he just couldn't accept the idea that I would rather be alone than with him.
Perfect timing.
I did not know how to care for and about myself. I’m 56.
I was programmed to be a victim which is an umbrella word.
The pain is so severe it’s shocking and horrific.
"Would you at least be willing to admit that if you had said what i heard, that was wrong."
Dang. I needed to hear that. I will try to say that. Maybe it will go well. Maybe not. But it is a step forward.
Thank you.
We both love your content.
I hear about BOUNDARIES. What is missng is a deep dive into what you mean by boundaries. This was used on me by an 18 year old who told ME that she was depressed and crying walking down to the water at 2 am by herself. IM A MOM!. You tell me this stuff and then GHOST me for weeks? I started checking her friends, the school etc. I had not heard from her, she wasn't replying to me or anybody else. So now, IM accused of not respecting HER boundaries by checking on her! She has not spoken or replied or written anything other than to say ( By text this last summer) Thankyou for coming to my graduation. mSo, Please don't just say BOUNDARIES. Clarify!
Great point!
There are lots of articles online about boundaries.
Very powerful words. I don’t believe this was a coincidence that your message came up on my feed today. Thank you. Years of accepting love breadcrumbs (started in my childhood) through my 36 years of marriage. It’s decision making time on my terms.
Actions are not words. So grateful for these helpful tips.
Thank you
One of the best videos I have seen on Narcissism. I have watched over 100 of them at this point, I think. This really helped, thank you.
Oh my mom is a narcissist AND is vulnerable. It’s always about her and her feelings. Shes the only one who’s allowed to be vulnerable and only her feelings and emotions are valid.😐
Same.. I went no contact with mine.
@@kathleenbolton-schmukler5727 ugh I can’t. I still have siblings at home. What’s really awful is one of my sisters called me one day crying to basically say sorry for how she used to think of me and our older siblings. She was too young (and a victim of the abuse) to recognize the problem and didn’t understand the fights and tension we us older kids had with our mom. She realizes she is co dependent and a people pleaser and doesn’t know how to stop fawning. She’s acutely aware of how much she walks on glass around our mom. And she feels pressure to not rock the boat right now. It’s scary cus I’ve never seen my mom this…verbally abusive and aggressive before. I’m genuinely afraid for my siblings (2 are high school, 1 middle school). I have no doubt this could turn into physical abuse.
@AandM8 if you’re in the USA you could let CPS know. Call them and report emotional abuse. That way there’s a paper trail.
You just described my mom too.
@@kathleenbolton-schmukler5727 I’m just not sure about that route. CPS doesn’t exactly have the best track record.
All of this….. yes! Taking anything “new” in a super slow manner while looking for genuine empathy will give you clear perspective over time.
Absa-frickinlootley true!!! Only through these videos, am I able to see what I went through for 9 years. So grateful that am no longer with that type of person.
Jimmy, as usual, this is SPOT ON! I left my husband after 39 years of marriage because I finally started to tell my family that I count, too. I am slowly learning to love myself and learn who I really am. If I ever get into another relationship, I will use your information as a guide. Thank you!
I’m 9 years out of a 20 year abusive relationship. Well done to you I know for me it wasn’t easy and I made many attempts.
You are on such an amazing journey now , I’m so glad I did this because I would never have allowed myself to be my true self if you had stayed and I’m loving slowly coming out of my shell ❤ wishing you a beautiful happy life. You deserve it !
Authenticity, boundary setting, and clear (straightforward) calm, kind communication: are all things Narcissists can't stand as you disengage and walk away❤🙏
Great video! Esp the part about boundaries = if they have an issue with them (even an eye-roll) = that's your cue! Exit stage left 👋
Yes! talk about your boundaries..what you need to feel safe and loved
...the only person who doesn't like when you set a boundary is a controlling person.
This video has helped validate my feelings and actions regarding my parents. It’s like you’re speaking the exact language. The SHAME imposed. Never love, only shame.
Thank you so much for sharing this information on this platform. I appreciate you!
This is such an important video! You cannot control who you meet, but you can choose the way you react to bad behaviour.
Well, in my case she won completely, I live guarded wether I want or not. My only dream left is becoming an hermit.
Being a hermit sounds like the safest path but it cuts you off at the knees. Please consider living your life to the fullest. Years can go by that you basically live through but don't live. Twenty or thirty years down the road, don't realize that you missed out on the dream/ goal you had many years ago that would have made a happy life for you. I am a 74 year old woman who went through hell 30 yrs ago. I deeply feel what I have missed and regret that it took so long to heal. I think a need a cat- or maybe twenty.
I love you. Most of the narcissist related content is pretty negative because its is pointing constantly to the evil in them, and it can send us into more and more dark mental loops. We really need people who can talk to us with love and compassion and give us tools to cope, overcome and transform ourselves in order to really be free. We need to focus on our healing, not their evil.
I distinctly remember a conversation with my ex where we were talking about how most people don’t carry cash anymore, and I mentioned that I try to carry at least a few dollars on me at all times so I can give money to unhoused people when I see them around town so they can get something to eat. His reaction was incredibly aggressive and hostile, telling me that I made him feel like an asshole saying that. At the time, it rubbed me the wrong way because of his tone, but I now see it as one small example of how he could never see outside of his own experience. Thank you for helping me realize that I don’t want to be with someone like that anymore
I was in a narcissist relationship. Thanks to these videos, I did see the behaviour once the mask came down and I got out. What I never thought possible was. I had a narcissist boss who targeted me, and did all the toxic behaviour. I had to go on leave as my mental state was not okay dealing with it.
This narcissistic boss targets one person after another;
**I’d like to see a video on narcissistic bosses. There is not much info out there on this.
this video is quite assumptive of others feelings in my opinion. when you reach a spiritual awakening and level of awareness & finally tune in with your body it is much easier to spot when someone is being dishonest, gaslighting, and just ridiculous. its not worth your energy leave em they always be running back because guess what you are true, you are genuine, you are magnetic. that energy cannot be replicated or replaced. your light cannot be replicated, like I genuinely feel the energy in the room shift when I walk in its kind of weird at the start and now it is something I just embrace. it is my bubbliness, my sunshine and it is so attractive. I love that about myself so leave them alone and do not look back. it took me a long time to differentiate this, a lot of pain, isolation, and soberness but now I choose to believe god will only align me with humans meant to be in my energetic force field and will reveal to me those that do not belong,
I'm a super empath; I always thought I was taking the higher road but all I was doing was hurting myself. I went through so much heartache with this mentality. Thank you so much for this!
Jimmy, thank you for all your good videos. I am so unhappy trapped in a loveless marriage to a man with tons of unchanging cruel covert narcissist traits. I've been unhappy all 23 long years. Yes I come from a home that predisposed me to this miserable marriage. I wish I had this knowledge earlier in life. I don't know why sometimes. I am utterly trapped and have 3 children. I now see it all and understand it all, but yet have to continue to live with him when I so long to be free. I pray for a way. Thank you for your wonderful messages you post on your channel.
You need to call them out before they have taken away your freedom and have convinced you to give up your housing, your friends, and your ability to easily get away. You need to confront them in the very beginning and require accountability immediately. They will try to shame you into staying, but you just need to walk away. Do this when the confusion starts.
You win the Internet with this one Jimmy! Thank you!!
Your words are deeply healing for a person with a Narcissist mother who tried to live vicariously through her child.
I had thought she 'killed' me (ego death/death of self identity) but instead, I found the abused child at the core of myself and I was able to finally give that kid someone to look up to.
Me.
It took a lot of positive messages, help, medicine, and love to get me to that point, but these days, things are good. I never thought I would feel like 'me' again.
I watched your “ how to get her in the mood”-OMG hysterical and spot on. Thank you!
Narcissistic abuse… just because you are “used to it” and can “cope with it” DOES NOT mean you should see it as a pattern of relationship building.
I absolutely love how succinctly you describe what a healthy relationship should look like. Thank you so much for providing this content!
Wow thanks, this helped validate My thoughts. It’s hard to leave but even harder to be on my own . Your flags helped show it was the right thing to do it was never going to get better
"This isn't someone who I can trust to have access to me." I once told my ex that I didn't feel safe around him. If someone I loved told me that, I would have felt heartbroken and tried to understand why. What did he do? He got mad and offended and said I have a personality disorder. It took several years for me to finally get away, but I did. I still watch videos about narcissists and how to avoid them so that I never get into another relationship with one. This video had me shaking my head in agreement, literally saying out loud, Yes! Thank you for your videos. They helped me understand what a healthy relationship should look like and gave me the strength to do what I needed to do. ❤❤