I haven't been able to enter into a relationship since my diagnosis 4 years ago, which I got while I was breaking up with my ex-partner of 10 years. I don't think I can be that vulnerable with someone again, nor go through the process of trusting someone. I've had DBT which has been helpful, and while I do get lonely at times, and would love a hug every now and then, ultimately I feel safer on my own.
I completely understand this, I have been solo for almost 7 years as I feel much safer and "happier" by myself I get the odd pang of loneliness but I feel much better alone as I don't have such extreme emotional and abandonment issues.
You've been invalidated so much externally...that you dont feel a sense of self...just know that it happens after abuse, nothing wrong with you! Only that you haven't had external validation!!! External & internal representations go both ways...when someone with Bpd gets bullied for too long, they start gaslighting themselves & internal object vs external.....good vs bad...is confused....& you start telling yourself you are the "bad object"
@Cj Johnson I'm glad you found this peace and stability. Being self-reliant is probably the most essential part of recovery Personally, I would rather have a favourite person (and the rollercoaster of instability and pain that comes with it) than have to cope with loneliness. So what you managed to do is truly remarkable in my eyes
That is the best and most helpful list I've ever seen when it comes to how to behave appropriately in relationships, for everyone not just people with BPD!! Thank you so much Dr Fox!!!!
I second that!! I will be watching it over and over. My on again off again bf most likely has BPD or at the very least has many traits and he does a lot of the emotional withdrawals mentioned. I was financially supporting us both which took a toll on me and my emotional health. I feel that his BPD traits have rubbed off on me and his circular conversations , cutting me off, not letting me complete a thought, being highly disagreeable, having little regard for the financial burden I was carrying for us both has caused me to feel out of control and to have BPD traits myself. I feel utterly depleted
When I was a child, I would never own up to something I had done wrong, because as you said, it was an invitation for others to rip me up. In fact, in our family people rarely apologised to each other for that reason. I'm trying hard now to accept, own, and apologise for my mistakes but it's very scary.
Thanks Dr. fox. You've changed my life! Can you please make a video on BPD & Texting? I struggle with this, a lot and I could really use your help with preventing: Oversharing, overthinking, anxiety, letting conversations die, going way too overboard with positivity and compliments, being unable to properly communicate myself, typing without purpose, way too long texts messages, if I receive a message almost identical to the text my ex send me while breaking up with me it triggers my core content of abandonment..
Thank you for the video. Just broke up with my BL ex and I’m just mind-blown. I’ve just understood all the withdrawal (and lack of deposits) that were going on and were so frustrating to me. Thank you for the healing
Relationships in general are already difficult to manage these days.. It's a lot harder with BPD, especially if we're having difficulty managing the 'regular stuff' we already have going on in life. Doctor Fox, are you able to create a BPDers step by step guide to becoming a minimalist For Dummies video for us?
All good points. Looking at my own experience, it always felt like I was a broken person or I didn't regard myself the same way as other people, because I think of the way I was raised. I had this lack of agency in relationships. I didn't see myself as being on the same level or having the same amount of power in a relationship, so any conflict led to feeling helpless, like there was no resolution and then all the rules of fighting fair fly out the window. I think it's important to look at these feelings, if you have them, where do they come from? Not to blame but understand yourself. Ultimately for me, and probably for a lot of others here, success happens when you begin to understand and accept yourself, gain perspective on the traumas you went through, and develop a sense of authority over your own life and self worth.
Thank you Dr Fox, I'm watching it a second time lol. I wonder why I've never split with my boyfriend that I've been with for 12yrs, but can't hold a friendship lol. My boyfriend and I actually have a great relationship and I have just always trusted him (probably because he picked me up out of my dark, dark hole and showed me loved) from the beginning. He's an amazing man. This is a great video because it's adding to my discovery and awareness. I've been working hard on myself this past year. Your videos have accelerated this 100% since I found you.
I can't keep a friendship either. But now I'm challenging myself to try and get close to at least 3 women. I need female friendships, it's been a while. I will try one more time.
Maybe you don't have BPD but cptsd or other trauma related condition. If your boyfriend is stable and doesn't trigger your fear of abandonment you won't display any "bpd signs", but maybe you haven't been so lucky with friendships. We should have the insight that we are part of the problem but we should also realize that majority of people out there are effed up or not even the best examples of human beings.
@@Sarablueunicorn Oh trust me, I actually have all 9 traits. During our first year, I remember following him in my car while he went for a walk, or letting my mind make up stories of why he was late coming to visit. Of course I feared he would leave me. We went thru a lot, but he stuck with me and loved me. He would hold me while I broke down because I didn't want to live anymore. He knows not to take things personally if I snap at him or loose my temper. He just knows how to handle me lol, I don't know. We also spend 99% of our time together, so it's not like I worry about what he's doing. I actually trust him. I've had some very lovely friendships, but I just messed up. Some friendships were toxic like you said, we all experience that.
I have BPD. I used to give gifts to get back. After a major relationship ended where I did that, I learned about the term "altruism" in some therapy I was going through and I went and read about it and I think actually knowing the term "altruism" and being able to read about it helped me completely reshape why I give gifts. Now I truly give just to give, to partners, friends, family. It's very freeing.
I just received the borderline personality disorder workbook from my partner. She knows how much your videos are helping me. Thank you Dr Fox. The guidance you provide is invaluable to us. We appreciate and love you for the time and effort you put in by making these videos and putting together the workbook for us.
I feel like I'm running my husband of 20 years off due to my BPD..I try so hard not too but it just comes out and I feel outta control with it...along with the guilt..I do love him very much.
thank you for everything you’ve posted and all that you’ve done to make this content available to people who really need it. i’m benefitting so much from your videos and it’s encouraging me to get back into treatment and to use what you’ve taught me, and continue to teach me, to move forward. thank you.
As someone who deals with BPD onset from PTSD your channel allows us information impossible to find elsewhere. Your knowledge heals me and I thank my doctor for showing me this channel.
Loved ❤️ your videos are the most positive and uplifting videos I think that exist on BPD and what we know to be our truths of who we truly are. I share your name and content with every person on social media that is unsure of what BPD is. So many people have misinformation and you do such a wonderful job in helping this community. Thank you!
I find it really hard to have difficult conversations eventhough I want to and I want to be present. If the "favourite person" says something I deem as rejection I just want to run away.. after a while I realise I should have listened or asked for further clarification.. but was too triggered at the time. then I would blame them for triggering me.
Oftentimes, we give to get. This "give to give, not give to get" is really wonderful. We also learned a dangerous pronoun: "If you want to get, you first must give." but this includes 100% this "Give to GET" mentality which is not helpful. If I want to give, I want to give out of joy of giving. Not in order to receive some "reciprocity". But then sometimes, if I cannot give anymore because I feel exhausted, I have to withdraw, introspect and refuel. When I am with a borderliner it can be really taxing so I at a point feel exhausted and cannot give anymore. What can I do to not reach that point? And what can I do if I reach that point anyways?
So I know I might be commenting without thinking first but I'm feeling some anger that while this video is meant to be for BPD sufferers, but I feel like the whole world could take something from this video. I know, I'm bitter, but if the people who hurt me would've practiced some of these techniques, maybe they wouldn't have hurt me. But then again, I'm one of those crazies that thinks there are way more people out there that suffer from BPD than is documented. People are so hurtful sometimes!
Iv just started to see a doctor and waiting to see a counselor, but I wish I had you because I feel like you understand me or people like me . I truly am grateful for your videos
I'm glad to find I've been doing the emotional deposits right, though I need some work on the withdrawals. But this video also made me realize how much the BPD/narcissistic person I had so idealized did none of the emotional deposits during our time together, just mostly emotional withdrawals, hence why I felt so drained.
About making other people a little happy by little treats - i've learned from the childhood to share things. I even feel a bit uncomfortable when i can eat something tasty and others - not. So when i buy myself a chocolate, in 50% of cases i would buy 1 home, and the same goes with other sweets. Doing little good things is good, but it always multiplies with how you treat others regularly, verbally, with how much attention and patience you have for them. People should be aware that if they abuse their close ones in one way, they can't neutralize it in another way
Thank you so much! Im truly grateful to be surrounded by supportive people. I've been doing so, so well and I JUST LOVE how you EMANATE positivity, love and compassion dr fox. I cnt wait to start reading your book again!!
So many amazing tips in here you are so helpful! I think what you’re referring to is a ‘covert contract’ where people expect that if they give they will get back automatically
Thank you Dr Fox. I've just started a relationship with a really nice man and this has given me insights into what I need to do to make a success of it. I've already started making deposits 😄
I’m watching this again and it is such a brilliant video…. Thank you so much for your understanding, of both bpd and npd… dr Armani I think doesn’t have this sense…. We can make it work.:: usually the bpd person taking the lead, but from what I have known myself from drawing boundaries, my npd traits partner is reluctantly willing to follow…. His problems are as deep as mine.. luckily we CAN grow, together 🌼🌼🌼
16:04 I just discovered your videos. I’ve watched a few so far, and they’ve been very insightful. I’m hoping to gain an understanding of how the people with BPD in my life may be feeling/thinking, that way I can avoid walking on eggshells around them.
As a Borderline I've had great relationships with healthy people. Unfortunately, most of my partners were predatory & narcissistic...that made me act totally out of character & it strained my relationship to family & friends because of Stockholm syndrome. I've grown accustom because of survival from abuse...to interpret every slight as gaslighting sometimes or I think people are trying to manipulate or use me or dont have empathy...which Ironically enough, has been true most of my life...on the other hand..I people please & I'm afraid to disrespect someone out of past issues...so I take caution...because sometimes I'm not sure if I can trust the other person to react or myself to react appropriately.
Could you do more content on mind reading? Do you have any worksheets or prompts I could use to help with it? And thank you so much Dr fox 🦊 you’re the G.O.A.T.🐐!
I cannot stress enough how helpful your videos are! I stumbled upon your channel and your videos are so insightful. Thank you so much and greetigns from Turkey :)
Doc please make a video on how to manage PMDD. My BPD symptoms skyrocket a few days before my periods and i want to self harm and pick up fights with my family members. I would like to know is there any particular tool to help when my hormones betray me?
I would also love to see a video on bpd and pms/pmdd. Studies have shown bpd symptoms worsen around pms time and during periods. Would love some tips on how to manage it also
Dr Fox These are wonderful observations and words of wisdom that could probably be applied almost any relationship. Would you consider maybe making a video that talks about that healthy relationship balance in general, and not in context of the BPD spectrum? The reason I ask is if I were to send this video to someone whom I suspect has BPD, that person would probably be terrified of the diagnosis part, and would lose the opportunity to open a door to a deeper understanding and healing process with relationships. It could also be generally that TH-cam viewers with BPD might have the same knee jerk reaction, if they haven’t yet come to terms with accepting and treating BPD. So I’m thinking if you were discussing it in general it would be a gentle way to segue into a healing process
Excellent video! Great practical tips. I'm guilty of so many of the withdrawals. Steven Covey also covers this topic quite well in his famous "Seven Habits" book.
Just got into a fight with my boyfriend due to a trigger about marriage, I reacted unjustly, yet it felt like what I meant, after calming me down, I realized it was an episode in general and not just due to him, but due to my past trauma. Realizing this I feel horrible of course and looped back around to hating myself and feeling like I'm a bad girlfriend and I express over erratically and now he will leave me. How do I communicate these after thoughts of a fight. I'm able to tell him what the trigger was due to. But I'm not able to express the remorse I feel afterwards. Even though I am feeling it.
Sorry If I'm replying a lot, I just discovered your videos a few days ago, and I find myself getting overwhelmed and emotionally unstable quite often while watching them. With that said I would like to write what my first reactions were when watching this video. Self hate, self anger a feeling of not wanting to exist. It was a confirmation that I'm always the bad one, I'm the one who's wrong, who is the problem. I was crying, pulling at my hair rocking back and forth. It felt like my skin was trying to crawl off of my body. Why is it always my, I can never do anything right. Stupid, ugly, worthless, idiot your just a waste of space. I'm degrading myself and spiraling out of control. I'm shaking and agitated turn to get up, (I pace a lot when I'm agitated.) and I see my cat Hera laying like an otter on my bed just watching me. for a nanosecond everything stopped, because through all the turmoil came the thought. Your such an adorable and strange little chunk. It was what I needed to grasp some form of clarity to bring myself back into some form of balance. I'm still trying to work through the initial feelings I had. But I will say, not saying I love you back is an emotional button for me. It has been used as a way to punish me, a way to hurt me and as a way of controlling me.
Could you make a video about what to do if the other person makes too many withdrawals/not enough deposits? How to communicate that to them without them getting defensive and it turning into am argument?
Just going to stay single. Too old to have kids so there is no need to complicate my already landmine filled life as it is. Just let a wonderful man go after 3 years because I had to acknowledge it's not fair to him to hold him tied to my unhealthy inner world. He's hurt & holds out hope we can make this work, but I've decided to go no contact & hope he moves on to something healthier.
Thank you dr fox I need to know all this I struggle so so so bad in relationships the longest relationship I was in was 9 years this is my sec longest going on 7 years but I have kicked him out15 time got devorised I am out of control my bpd is out of control maybe something u say will help me thank you dr fox I want you to be my therapist please
Apologizing when you make a mistake is a good one but I Kinda say sorry for God knows why I don’t even know what I’m sorry for most of the time I guess I’m sorry for being existing I say sorry for everything so saying sorry for my mistakes won’t help my husband love me anymore because he’s sick and tired of me saying the word sorry all the time so what can I do besides that
I'm the same, and what helped me was apologizing in a full sentence, stating specifically what I was sorry for and wanting to change. That way, "I'm sorry" stopped being a meaningless mantra that I repeated to soothe the negative feelings inside.
@@TheSongBirdsMelody thank you kindly in-line I’m a hot hot mess I know that it’s like really I’m trying so hard to fight this but the harder I try the more my bpd gets in the way n I can’t move it by my self if that rings a bell
Im too sick to even have a relationship. I don't get how bpd sufferers can have these dysfunctional love relationships. Im too insecure and the self doubt, game playing and feelings of unworthiness causes me to get so nervous I just have to be alone . Its a lonely life though.
I have never felt these feelings I've known them 17 years they almost died he told everyone to get me I'm just a ride. ..that's the say it ended. He was my safe shelter... I was just a fixture a pigmalian
I don't keep score, no, but these are some self-important people who receive and receive and don't contribute outside of social obligations or monetary gain. And it's sickening.
All those things is easy cheese for (quiet) sub Type BPD, but exercising patience and kindness with person or with them selves specially is very hard and hardest of all. I don't know. That is what scares me most about relationships.
I think I have bpd traits. Im a little more positive than you explain because Ive been in therapy all of my life. But I do have the hardest times with my closest relationships because of deep trust wounds that I walk around with. I stay vigilant because I know this person has hurt me before. Even if it was forever ago. I apologize, I reflect in fact people have said that when they leave me they feel inspired after speaking to me, they dont feel insecure. So I have traits of panic and mistrust and a loose sense of self, but I am older now and Ive learned some insights over my life. I may be in a relationship with disorder traits that are on the line of narcissism and some bdp traits as well. He has really helped me turn my life around with the feedback and insight he's given me about my self. Ive accomplished quite a few things that make me feel better about myself and improves my self image since knowing him. So I may not be as bdp chemically aa much bdp as a learned behavior in a way? If that makes sense, because Ive been able to be grateful for the changes Ive made in my life re: self care, diet, exercise, grooming, creativity. I like myself so much more and I appreciate his mirror. Yet there are times when his tone triggers me, or his mood triggers me. I feel threatened and responsible and I have preemptive explosive rejection behaviors. I never know if the 'break up' is permanent or not. So there is a lot anxiety a lot of the time. Can this be due to our personality traits that are maladaptive and if it is, can this be workable? There is a lot of good but also a lot of anxiety and he has no bandwidth for entertaining my extreme emotions past a certain point. He shuts down and says he can afford that indulgence and refocuses on work as he is a successful artist with his own business and a lot of people rely on him, including myself. We dont have repair mechanism that I can recognize. I dont even know how and where/when to implement one. My traits of fear have effected my life adversely, I dont know that he feels the same way about himself. He works very hard and getting mad at him makes me feel terrible afterward. It always feels hopeless and Im always surprised when he is much less effected than I am and never considered the relationship to be "over". Sometimes his words sound so mean to me, its hard to handle in the moment.
Idk if i should say sorry when we're distant cuz i communicated my boundaries. on one hand i know i shouldn't, cuz i needed that, it's triggering without that boundary and it hurts every single time (i tried suck it up but eventually went into meltdown so i figured it's one of those important thing for me). on the other hand, i know i'm feeling sorry cuz he's so clueless about that boundary it doesnt make sense to him cuz his 'normal' is really different than mine. I'm sorry for giving another egg shell to him. I tried not to, but I dont know how to either. Now i'm trying to get used to not having him in my life anymore, in case he finally decides i'm too much and dont want egg shells anymore.
Relationships have always been hard for me since I have been 9 years old and never knew why. But as I am getting older it's getting harder and harder. So I have no friends I hang out with I only have fb friends on social media. And it's gets very lonely in my life.
what would you do when i’m sitting down and clearly being open about how i’m feeling regarding our relationship and lack of communication and time with each other. then my bpd is blamed on everything!
Address issues in small batches and take stock of personal reactions and ask for help from partner with changes.then make sure your asks are in there (two way street)
I do try to be proactive and act like a bucket filler. I do. Its at times met with apathy, critique, silence or sullenness but I do engage in this behavior. I try to create a good vibe. It comes off as me trying too hard sometimes. Im ok with that, I just wish it was as successful in making me feel succesful afterwards as it is when Im planning it. I feel let down a lot and I dont know if thats real or not. Man do I have isssues. Ive been seeing a jungian analyst for 15 years. How did we miss this. So much time and childbearing years off track.
Not sure where to comment this but what should one do when they have BPD (as I do), and others watch these videos from Dr. Fox (and others), and pretend to be experts in BPD all the time, dismissing everything I do and say as irrational actions of someone with BPD. I feel like they're basically using this shit to belittle and abuse me, when they also have their own issues that arent being addressed (undiagnosed, ignored, untreated, etc).
Thank you Dr Fox 😊.. I've been trying to find a therapist since 2014 and I have borderline and a bunch of other stuff and you're the first one being a man also is very surprising but you help me so much since I found you I really appreciate every video you share you're pretty much the first therapist that I've been able to make sense with and listen to thank you very much
Unfortunately unlike all of your other videos, which I have found immensely helpful ( I was taken off meds after an adverse reaction to broad spectrum antidepressants 2 months before the lock down started and had to navigate the negotiation with my bpd mind alone and without your input I'm not sure I would have done it ) i found this lesson impenetrable. I could entirely relate to the examples but the moment you switched to the analogy of the bank account all meaning collapsed and I had no way to relate to it. This is not a complaint, just an observation and a place to write it down. As I type I've come up with a way to think about it in a different context, that of counting cards at a blackjack table and it makes sense. It's all about knowing when to fold. 😉
What's your take on a big chunk of people diagnosed with BPD are actually suffering from CPTSD (not recognized by the dsm yet) and/or victims of narcissistic abuse and just displaying reactivity?
Well what if the other person is always rude with you then when you have learned to snap back to get respect, now we are the problem? So who is the borderline in this case???
Thank you for sharing. I think keeping control of your emotions, particularly during an argument is so important. Difficult, but important. I wish you well.
How do u stop doing the same mistakes over n over n over if I could just learn what not to say do feel or act I think I would be ok idk I want to show this to my hubby but I’m scared he won’t look at it n if he dose that it’s like he’s ignoring me somehow
Why is it so scary for me to own up to my mistakes ? Is that a bpd thing ether way I’m screed if I own up to it it’s gonna go bad if I lie about it it’s gonna go bad and end up I will be alone I needed this video I do everyone of these withdrawals and it’s scary so how on gods green earth am I to fix all this ok bpd is the most hardest thing to fix
@@theanonymoushelpline7248 thank you it’s just so hard for me to understand all this like I feel like a kid that can’t read or something I also struggle with learning disabilities as will do this bpd is so hard do u get that way?
Miss Deathvew Games I definitely understand. I try to tell myself that’s it isnt hard and that I can do it and im not broken. Everyone got something going on with them and flaws. I don’t have to be perfect. I try to explain things the best I can with my friends and love ones. If they get it fine, if they don’t then that’s fine too. Eckhart Tolle vids on TH-cam really helped me out so much from detaching from every negative thought and emotion, u should listen to some of his vids. Remember, you got this, it doesn’t have have you or own you. You have the strength. Even just trying is good enough. Don’t be so hard on yourself luv.
Miss Deathvew Games Sometimes doing the best u can is good enough. Take what u understand and if the DBT workbook doesn’t work just watch the DBT vids. I don’t do the workbook. Mindfulness meditation really helps and the wim hog breathing technique helps too. Spending time in nature, light workouts, magnesium supplements helps too. You don’t have to be or do anything perfectly. I tell myself “Hey, at least I tried.” Do what u can’t and and I can’t just let it be but don’t give up just take breaks when u feel the need too.
Miss Deathvew Games With mindfulness meditation (mindfulness is implemented in DBT) you have to think much just feel your body. They have it on TH-cam.
I’m so sorry to hear about that and I think that finding a mental health provider that can help you work through this issue may be of great benefit. Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.
I have been in one and I decided never to again it is not worth causing myself or anyone else more pain and having children is way gone I can't with good conscience condemn another living being to this fate the genetics play a part yes but if one other aspect was introduced it would cause them to go the same way as me
![ADHD or Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder? [Overlap & Differences]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/N47STB-ufOE/mqdefault.jpg)
I haven't been able to enter into a relationship since my diagnosis 4 years ago, which I got while I was breaking up with my ex-partner of 10 years. I don't think I can be that vulnerable with someone again, nor go through the process of trusting someone. I've had DBT which has been helpful, and while I do get lonely at times, and would love a hug every now and then, ultimately I feel safer on my own.
I completely understand this, I have been solo for almost 7 years as I feel much safer and "happier" by myself I get the odd pang of loneliness but I feel much better alone as I don't have such extreme emotional and abandonment issues.
No one to influence your emotional landscape.
I hate the thought of being alone forever, but I can't visualize having a happy relationship, when I'm so needy.
You've been invalidated so much externally...that you dont feel a sense of self...just know that it happens after abuse, nothing wrong with you! Only that you haven't had external validation!!! External & internal representations go both ways...when someone with Bpd gets bullied for too long, they start gaslighting themselves & internal object vs external.....good vs bad...is confused....& you start telling yourself you are the "bad object"
@Cj Johnson I'm glad you found this peace and stability. Being self-reliant is probably the most essential part of recovery
Personally, I would rather have a favourite person (and the rollercoaster of instability and pain that comes with it) than have to cope with loneliness. So what you managed to do is truly remarkable in my eyes
That is the best and most helpful list I've ever seen when it comes to how to behave appropriately in relationships, for everyone not just people with BPD!! Thank you so much Dr Fox!!!!
Wow, thank you!
I second that!! I will be watching it over and over. My on again off again bf most likely has BPD or at the very least has many traits and he does a lot of the emotional withdrawals mentioned. I was financially supporting us both which took a toll on me and my emotional health. I feel that his BPD traits have rubbed off on me and his circular conversations , cutting me off, not letting me complete a thought, being highly disagreeable, having little regard for the financial burden I was carrying for us both has caused me to feel out of control and to have BPD traits myself. I feel utterly depleted
When I was a child, I would never own up to something I had done wrong, because as you said, it was an invitation for others to rip me up. In fact, in our family people rarely apologised to each other for that reason. I'm trying hard now to accept, own, and apologise for my mistakes but it's very scary.
A video idea-
How to know the difference between an obsession vs love or how to deal with the loneliness when your FP/lover isolates a lot
The obsession vs love for sure
Or works a lot. I get overwhelming feelings of loneliness when my FP is at work for 10 hours a day
Thanks Dr. fox. You've changed my life!
Can you please make a video on BPD & Texting? I struggle with this, a lot and I could really use your help with preventing: Oversharing, overthinking, anxiety, letting conversations die, going way too overboard with positivity and compliments, being unable to properly communicate myself, typing without purpose, way too long texts messages, if I receive a message almost identical to the text my ex send me while breaking up with me it triggers my core content of abandonment..
This!!!!!
Thank you for the video. Just broke up with my BL ex and I’m just mind-blown. I’ve just understood all the withdrawal (and lack of deposits) that were going on and were so frustrating to me. Thank you for the healing
Relationships in general are already difficult to manage these days.. It's a lot harder with BPD, especially if we're having difficulty managing the 'regular stuff' we already have going on in life. Doctor Fox, are you able to create a BPDers step by step guide to becoming a minimalist For Dummies video for us?
All good points. Looking at my own experience, it always felt like I was a broken person or I didn't regard myself the same way as other people, because I think of the way I was raised. I had this lack of agency in relationships. I didn't see myself as being on the same level or having the same amount of power in a relationship, so any conflict led to feeling helpless, like there was no resolution and then all the rules of fighting fair fly out the window. I think it's important to look at these feelings, if you have them, where do they come from? Not to blame but understand yourself. Ultimately for me, and probably for a lot of others here, success happens when you begin to understand and accept yourself, gain perspective on the traumas you went through, and develop a sense of authority over your own life and self worth.
Wow! Such a wonderful insight you've shared here. Especially the same level of power in relationships was an eye-opener. Thank you!
Thank you Dr Fox, I'm watching it a second time lol. I wonder why I've never split with my boyfriend that I've been with for 12yrs, but can't hold a friendship lol. My boyfriend and I actually have a great relationship and I have just always trusted him (probably because he picked me up out of my dark, dark hole and showed me loved) from the beginning. He's an amazing man. This is a great video because it's adding to my discovery and awareness. I've been working hard on myself this past year. Your videos have accelerated this 100% since I found you.
I can't keep a friendship either. But now I'm challenging myself to try and get close to at least 3 women. I need female friendships, it's been a while. I will try one more time.
Maybe you don't have BPD but cptsd or other trauma related condition.
If your boyfriend is stable and doesn't trigger your fear of abandonment you won't display any "bpd signs", but maybe you haven't been so lucky with friendships.
We should have the insight that we are part of the problem but we should also realize that majority of people out there are effed up or not even the best examples of human beings.
@@Sarablueunicorn Oh trust me, I actually have all 9 traits. During our first year, I remember following him in my car while he went for a walk, or letting my mind make up stories of why he was late coming to visit. Of course I feared he would leave me. We went thru a lot, but he stuck with me and loved me. He would hold me while I broke down because I didn't want to live anymore. He knows not to take things personally if I snap at him or loose my temper. He just knows how to handle me lol, I don't know. We also spend 99% of our time together, so it's not like I worry about what he's doing. I actually trust him. I've had some very lovely friendships, but I just messed up. Some friendships were toxic like you said, we all experience that.
I have BPD. I used to give gifts to get back. After a major relationship ended where I did that, I learned about the term "altruism" in some therapy I was going through and I went and read about it and I think actually knowing the term "altruism" and being able to read about it helped me completely reshape why I give gifts. Now I truly give just to give, to partners, friends, family. It's very freeing.
Like it was a great insight building and growth experience. Thank you so much for sharing.
I just received the borderline personality disorder workbook from my partner. She knows how much your videos are helping me.
Thank you Dr Fox. The guidance you provide is invaluable to us. We appreciate and love you for the time and effort you put in by making these videos and putting together the workbook for us.
I just ordered his book for myself as well. I have one for c-ptsd too and that was so beneficial I wanted to get his book on borderline also.
What is this resource?
@@jenniferparks5901 I'm glad the Cpstd workbook helped. Goodluck with the BPD workbook I hope it helps aswell. Kia kaha (be strong)
@@moanamason2454 thank you ❤️ same to you.
@@amchotmix3468 Go to Dr Fox's website and check out his workbooks.
You are a truly decent guy, Dr. Fox.
I feel like I'm running my husband of 20 years off due to my BPD..I try so hard not too but it just comes out and I feel outta control with it...along with the guilt..I do love him very much.
You're brilliant! Thank you so much. I'm not diagnosed with BPD but this helps a lot with relatonships in general.
I hear sarcasm even when its not there. So hard
thank you for everything you’ve posted and all that you’ve done to make this content available to people who really need it. i’m benefitting so much from your videos and it’s encouraging me to get back into treatment and to use what you’ve taught me, and continue to teach me, to move forward. thank you.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I wish you well.
I'm lucky because my husband and I have been together for 21+ years now! 😸
Thank you Dr. Fox, topics are always right on time, looking forward to tuning in 💯🙏
As someone who deals with BPD onset from PTSD your channel allows us information impossible to find elsewhere. Your knowledge heals me and I thank my doctor for showing me this channel.
Loved ❤️ your videos are the most positive and uplifting videos I think that exist on BPD and what we know to be our truths of who we truly are. I share your name and content with every person on social media that is unsure of what BPD is. So many people have misinformation and you do such a wonderful job in helping this community. Thank you!
I find it really hard to have difficult conversations eventhough I want to and I want to be present. If the "favourite person" says something I deem as rejection I just want to run away.. after a while I realise I should have listened or asked for further clarification.. but was too triggered at the time. then I would blame them for triggering me.
I still feel that you deserve much much more subscribers and viewers , your content is like a treasure ♥♥♥
Oftentimes, we give to get. This "give to give, not give to get" is really wonderful. We also learned a dangerous pronoun: "If you want to get, you first must give." but this includes 100% this "Give to GET" mentality which is not helpful. If I want to give, I want to give out of joy of giving. Not in order to receive some "reciprocity".
But then sometimes, if I cannot give anymore because I feel exhausted, I have to withdraw, introspect and refuel.
When I am with a borderliner it can be really taxing so I at a point feel exhausted and cannot give anymore.
What can I do to not reach that point? And what can I do if I reach that point anyways?
So I know I might be commenting without thinking first but I'm feeling some anger that while this video is meant to be for BPD sufferers, but I feel like the whole world could take something from this video. I know, I'm bitter, but if the people who hurt me would've practiced some of these techniques, maybe they wouldn't have hurt me. But then again, I'm one of those crazies that thinks there are way more people out there that suffer from BPD than is documented. People are so hurtful sometimes!
Iv just started to see a doctor and waiting to see a counselor, but I wish I had you because I feel like you understand me or people like me . I truly am grateful for your videos
Just what I needed help with. I am so glad you are posting this!
Very good explanation. Just like with our time management and finances we should budget emotions!!
Thank you so much for your kind words. I wish you well.
I'm glad to find I've been doing the emotional deposits right, though I need some work on the withdrawals. But this video also made me realize how much the BPD/narcissistic person I had so idealized did none of the emotional deposits during our time together, just mostly emotional withdrawals, hence why I felt so drained.
About making other people a little happy by little treats - i've learned from the childhood to share things. I even feel a bit uncomfortable when i can eat something tasty and others - not. So when i buy myself a chocolate, in 50% of cases i would buy 1 home, and the same goes with other sweets.
Doing little good things is good, but it always multiplies with how you treat others regularly, verbally, with how much attention and patience you have for them.
People should be aware that if they abuse their close ones in one way, they can't neutralize it in another way
Thank you so much! Im truly grateful to be surrounded by supportive people. I've been doing so, so well and I JUST LOVE how you EMANATE positivity, love and compassion dr fox. I cnt wait to start reading your book again!!
This is very accurate to me, it does feel like deposits and withdrawals that i keep account of. and i do wanna be an emotional baller.💯
hi there.
I know I am guilty of some of these withdrawals. This is a good reminder to be mindful of my behavior. Relationships are so hard. 😩
So many amazing tips in here you are so helpful! I think what you’re referring to is a ‘covert contract’ where people expect that if they give they will get back automatically
Thank you Dr Fox. I've just started a relationship with a really nice man and this has given me insights into what I need to do to make a success of it. I've already started making deposits 😄
Your analogies help organize my mind. I am so grateful.
You are so welcome
I appreciate the information, and everyday I’m studying and apply as much as I can into my daily life!
That’s terrific. Keep it up and stay strong.
I’m watching this again and it is such a brilliant video…. Thank you so much for your understanding, of both bpd and npd… dr Armani I think doesn’t have this sense…. We can make it work.:: usually the bpd person taking the lead, but from what I have known myself from drawing boundaries, my npd traits partner is reluctantly willing to follow…. His problems are as deep as mine.. luckily we CAN grow, together 🌼🌼🌼
Thankful for your time and effort. ❤
16:04
I just discovered your videos. I’ve watched a few so far, and they’ve been very insightful. I’m hoping to gain an understanding of how the people with BPD in my life may be feeling/thinking, that way I can avoid walking on eggshells around them.
I'm glad you like them. Be well.
Describes my recent relationship perfectly
Could you do a video about how to tell your favorite person/family about your bpd diagnosis?
As a Borderline I've had great relationships with healthy people. Unfortunately, most of my partners were predatory & narcissistic...that made me act totally out of character & it strained my relationship to family & friends because of Stockholm syndrome. I've grown accustom because of survival from abuse...to interpret every slight as gaslighting sometimes or I think people are trying to manipulate or use me or dont have empathy...which Ironically enough, has been true most of my life...on the other hand..I people please & I'm afraid to disrespect someone out of past issues...so I take caution...because sometimes I'm not sure if I can trust the other person to react or myself to react appropriately.
Good insight. I wish you well.
Could you do more content on mind reading? Do you have any worksheets or prompts I could use to help with it? And thank you so much Dr fox 🦊 you’re the G.O.A.T.🐐!
This video was fun to watch.. i enjoyed "the Warren Buffet of emotional bank account and the K9 level!" 😂🤣
I cannot stress enough how helpful your videos are!
I stumbled upon your channel and your videos are so insightful.
Thank you so much and greetigns from Turkey :)
You are so welcome!
Doc please make a video on how to manage PMDD. My BPD symptoms skyrocket a few days before my periods and i want to self harm and pick up fights with my family members. I would like to know is there any particular tool to help when my hormones betray me?
I would also love to see a video on bpd and pms/pmdd. Studies have shown bpd symptoms worsen around pms time and during periods. Would love some tips on how to manage it also
I would also love to learn about this.
This was extremely insightful ..God Bless You
Dr Fox
These are wonderful observations and words of wisdom that could probably be applied almost any relationship. Would you consider maybe making a video that talks about that healthy relationship balance in general, and not in context of the BPD spectrum?
The reason I ask is if I were to send this video to someone whom I suspect has BPD, that person would probably be terrified of the diagnosis part, and would lose the opportunity to open a door to a deeper understanding and healing process with relationships.
It could also be generally that TH-cam viewers with BPD might have the same knee jerk reaction, if they haven’t yet come to terms with accepting and treating BPD. So I’m thinking if you were discussing it in general it would be a gentle way to segue into a healing process
Excellent video! Great practical tips. I'm guilty of so many of the withdrawals. Steven Covey also covers this topic quite well in his famous "Seven Habits" book.
Just got into a fight with my boyfriend due to a trigger about marriage, I reacted unjustly, yet it felt like what I meant, after calming me down, I realized it was an episode in general and not just due to him, but due to my past trauma. Realizing this I feel horrible of course and looped back around to hating myself and feeling like I'm a bad girlfriend and I express over erratically and now he will leave me. How do I communicate these after thoughts of a fight. I'm able to tell him what the trigger was due to. But I'm not able to express the remorse I feel afterwards. Even though I am feeling it.
Thank you very helpful subject
Sorry If I'm replying a lot, I just discovered your videos a few days ago, and I find myself getting overwhelmed and emotionally unstable quite often while watching them. With that said I would like to write what my first reactions were when watching this video.
Self hate, self anger a feeling of not wanting to exist. It was a confirmation that I'm always the bad one, I'm the one who's wrong, who is the problem. I was crying, pulling at my hair rocking back and forth. It felt like my skin was trying to crawl off of my body. Why is it always my, I can never do anything right. Stupid, ugly, worthless, idiot your just a waste of space. I'm degrading myself and spiraling out of control. I'm shaking and agitated turn to get up, (I pace a lot when I'm agitated.) and I see my cat Hera laying like an otter on my bed just watching me. for a nanosecond everything stopped, because through all the turmoil came the thought. Your such an adorable and strange little chunk. It was what I needed to grasp some form of clarity to bring myself back into some form of balance. I'm still trying to work through the initial feelings I had. But I will say, not saying I love you back is an emotional button for me. It has been used as a way to punish me, a way to hurt me and as a way of controlling me.
Thank you Dr. Fox
Could you make a video about what to do if the other person makes too many withdrawals/not enough deposits? How to communicate that to them without them getting defensive and it turning into am argument?
I am the warren buffet of my emotional bank account
You sure are. Like him be sure to make wise investments for the long term. Be well
Just going to stay single. Too old to have kids so there is no need to complicate my already landmine filled life as it is. Just let a wonderful man go after 3 years because I had to acknowledge it's not fair to him to hold him tied to my unhealthy inner world. He's hurt & holds out hope we can make this work, but I've decided to go no contact & hope he moves on to something healthier.
Thank you dr fox I need to know all this I struggle so so so bad in relationships the longest relationship I was in was 9 years this is my sec longest going on 7 years but I have kicked him out15 time got devorised I am out of control my bpd is out of control maybe something u say will help me thank you dr fox I want you to be my therapist please
Apologizing when you make a mistake is a good one but I Kinda say sorry for God knows why I don’t even know what I’m sorry for most of the time I guess I’m sorry for being existing I say sorry for everything so saying sorry for my mistakes won’t help my husband love me anymore because he’s sick and tired of me saying the word sorry all the time so what can I do besides that
Try saying "thank you" instead of sorry (heard that from a therapist)
@@spacecityHTX I will try that thank you for telling me that
I'm the same, and what helped me was apologizing in a full sentence, stating specifically what I was sorry for and wanting to change. That way, "I'm sorry" stopped being a meaningless mantra that I repeated to soothe the negative feelings inside.
@@TheSongBirdsMelody thank you kindly in-line I’m a hot hot mess I know that it’s like really I’m trying so hard to fight this but the harder I try the more my bpd gets in the way n I can’t move it by my self if that rings a bell
Im too sick to even have a relationship. I don't get how bpd sufferers can have these dysfunctional love relationships.
Im too insecure and the self doubt, game playing and feelings of unworthiness causes me to get so nervous I just have to be alone .
Its a lonely life though.
I have never felt these feelings I've known them 17 years they almost died he told everyone to get me I'm just a ride. ..that's the say it ended. He was my safe shelter... I was just a fixture a pigmalian
I don't keep score, no, but these are some self-important people who receive and receive and don't contribute outside of social obligations or monetary gain. And it's sickening.
Thank you! Great advice to have and sustain a good relationship.
Thanks 😊
All those things is easy cheese for (quiet) sub Type BPD, but exercising patience and kindness with person or with them selves specially is very hard and hardest of all. I don't know. That is what scares me most about relationships.
No. It’s not worth it. Either side. See this dynamic….run.
I think I have bpd traits. Im a little more positive than you explain because Ive been in therapy all of my life. But I do have the hardest times with my closest relationships because of deep trust wounds that I walk around with. I stay vigilant because I know this person has hurt me before. Even if it was forever ago. I apologize, I reflect in fact people have said that when they leave me they feel inspired after speaking to me, they dont feel insecure. So I have traits of panic and mistrust and a loose sense of self, but I am older now and Ive learned some insights over my life. I may be in a relationship with disorder traits that are on the line of narcissism and some bdp traits as well. He has really helped me turn my life around with the feedback and insight he's given me about my self. Ive accomplished quite a few things that make me feel better about myself and improves my self image since knowing him. So I may not be as bdp chemically aa much bdp as a learned behavior in a way? If that makes sense, because Ive been able to be grateful for the changes Ive made in my life re: self care, diet, exercise, grooming, creativity. I like myself so much more and I appreciate his mirror. Yet there are times when his tone triggers me, or his mood triggers me. I feel threatened and responsible and I have preemptive explosive rejection behaviors. I never know if the 'break up' is permanent or not. So there is a lot anxiety a lot of the time. Can this be due to our personality traits that are maladaptive and if it is, can this be workable? There is a lot of good but also a lot of anxiety and he has no bandwidth for entertaining my extreme emotions past a certain point. He shuts down and says he can afford that indulgence and refocuses on work as he is a successful artist with his own business and a lot of people rely on him, including myself. We dont have repair mechanism that I can recognize. I dont even know how and where/when to implement one. My traits of fear have effected my life adversely, I dont know that he feels the same way about himself. He works very hard and getting mad at him makes me feel terrible afterward. It always feels hopeless and Im always surprised when he is much less effected than I am and never considered the relationship to be "over". Sometimes his words sound so mean to me, its hard to handle in the moment.
Hes so. Fun too listen too
Thankyou Dr Fox
Idk if i should say sorry when we're distant cuz i communicated my boundaries.
on one hand i know i shouldn't, cuz i needed that, it's triggering without that boundary and it hurts every single time (i tried suck it up but eventually went into meltdown so i figured it's one of those important thing for me).
on the other hand, i know i'm feeling sorry cuz he's so clueless about that boundary it doesnt make sense to him cuz his 'normal' is really different than mine. I'm sorry for giving another egg shell to him. I tried not to, but I dont know how to either.
Now i'm trying to get used to not having him in my life anymore, in case he finally decides i'm too much and dont want egg shells anymore.
My husband and father of my children has bpd and we're very close to a divorce. Best video to send me in the right direction to fix things with him?
Dr .Fox on the Cardi BpD
My relationships are bank robberies.
Now you have more viewers coz they hear you better
Thanks doc, love you as always
@@maxwellmark8415 um hello maxwell.....
Relationships have always been hard for me since I have been 9 years old and never knew why. But as I am getting older it's getting harder and harder. So I have no friends I hang out with I only have fb friends on social media. And it's gets very lonely in my life.
When recognizing positives, could that be construed as patronizing? Thanks
Your videos are so insightful and helpful! Do you have any psychology theme related books to recommend? And maybe do people in the comments have some?
This is awesome
Hi Dr. Fox ☺️
what would you do when i’m sitting down and clearly being open about how i’m feeling regarding our relationship and lack of communication and time with each other. then my bpd is blamed on everything!
Address issues in small batches and take stock of personal reactions and ask for help from partner with changes.then make sure your asks are in there (two way street)
Really helpful.
Glad it was helpful!
I do try to be proactive and act like a bucket filler. I do. Its at times met with apathy, critique, silence or sullenness but I do engage in this behavior. I try to create a good vibe. It comes off as me trying too hard sometimes. Im ok with that, I just wish it was as successful in making me feel succesful afterwards as it is when Im planning it. I feel let down a lot and I dont know if thats real or not. Man do I have isssues. Ive been seeing a jungian analyst for 15 years. How did we miss this. So much time and childbearing years off track.
Not sure where to comment this but what should one do when they have BPD (as I do), and others watch these videos from Dr. Fox (and others), and pretend to be experts in BPD all the time, dismissing everything I do and say as irrational actions of someone with BPD. I feel like they're basically using this shit to belittle and abuse me, when they also have their own issues that arent being addressed (undiagnosed, ignored, untreated, etc).
For instance, they'll go "I know it's just your bpd causing you to say or do this", instead of taking responsibility for their own actions.
Thank you Dr Fox 😊.. I've been trying to find a therapist since 2014 and I have borderline and a bunch of other stuff and you're the first one being a man also is very surprising but you help me so much since I found you I really appreciate every video you share you're pretty much the first therapist that I've been able to make sense with and listen to thank you very much
Hey but Dr. Fox is pretty cute
Thanks!
Unfortunately unlike all of your other videos, which I have found immensely helpful ( I was taken off meds after an adverse reaction to broad spectrum antidepressants 2 months before the lock down started and had to navigate the negotiation with my bpd mind alone and without your input I'm not sure I would have done it ) i found this lesson impenetrable. I could entirely relate to the examples but the moment you switched to the analogy of the bank account all meaning collapsed and I had no way to relate to it. This is not a complaint, just an observation and a place to write it down. As I type I've come up with a way to think about it in a different context, that of counting cards at a blackjack table and it makes sense. It's all about knowing when to fold. 😉
What's your take on a big chunk of people diagnosed with BPD are actually suffering from CPTSD (not recognized by the dsm yet) and/or victims of narcissistic abuse and just displaying reactivity?
Well what if the other person is always rude with you then when you have learned to snap back to get respect, now we are the problem? So who is the borderline in this case???
Thank you for sharing. I think keeping control of your emotions, particularly during an argument is so important. Difficult, but important. I wish you well.
I can't find your second channel????
Sorry to say, I had to delete it. I got too busy to keep up with it. Sorry for the confusion.
How do u stop doing the same mistakes over n over n over if I could just learn what not to say do feel or act I think I would be ok idk I want to show this to my hubby but I’m scared he won’t look at it n if he dose that it’s like he’s ignoring me somehow
💖💖🙏🏽
Why is it so scary for me to own up to my mistakes ? Is that a bpd thing ether way I’m screed if I own up to it it’s gonna go bad if I lie about it it’s gonna go bad and end up I will be alone I needed this video I do everyone of these withdrawals and it’s scary so how on gods green earth am I to fix all this ok bpd is the most hardest thing to fix
Try DBT and nothing is hard, it’s just our perspective and fear. You are a freaking fearless goddess! Remember that!
@@theanonymoushelpline7248 thank you it’s just so hard for me to understand all this like I feel like a kid that can’t read or something I also struggle with learning disabilities as will do this bpd is so hard do u get that way?
Miss Deathvew Games I definitely understand. I try to tell myself that’s it isnt hard and that I can do it and im not broken. Everyone got something going on with them and flaws. I don’t have to be perfect. I try to explain things the best I can with my friends and love ones. If they get it fine, if they don’t then that’s fine too. Eckhart Tolle vids on TH-cam really helped me out so much from detaching from every negative thought and emotion, u should listen to some of his vids. Remember, you got this, it doesn’t have have you or own you. You have the strength. Even just trying is good enough. Don’t be so hard on yourself luv.
Miss Deathvew Games Sometimes doing the best u can is good enough. Take what u understand and if the DBT workbook doesn’t work just watch the DBT vids. I don’t do the workbook. Mindfulness meditation really helps and the wim hog breathing technique helps too. Spending time in nature, light workouts, magnesium supplements helps too. You don’t have to be or do anything perfectly. I tell myself “Hey, at least I tried.” Do what u can’t and and I can’t just let it be but don’t give up just take breaks when u feel the need too.
Miss Deathvew Games With mindfulness meditation (mindfulness is implemented in DBT) you have to think much just feel your body. They have it on TH-cam.
Can you pls wear a mic? I cant hear anything
What to you do when that kid is a middle aged man? I made so many deposits and still he shot himself.
I’m so sorry to hear about that and I think that finding a mental health provider that can help you work through this issue may be of great benefit. Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.
@@DrDanielFox thank you Dr. It’s been a month and I can’t get over it.
I have been in one and I decided never to again it is not worth causing myself or anyone else more pain and having children is way gone I can't with good conscience condemn another living being to this fate the genetics play a part yes but if one other aspect was introduced it would cause them to go the same way as me
Thanks for your comment
💖💖💖
Thank you 😊
👍😊
I’m so glad you liked it and I hope you found it helpful.
!
Thank you so much for your kind words. I wish you well.
@@DrDanielFox So much of this video was familiar to me, I was speechless while watching it.
He seems coked up