Dating Strategy to Help You Manage your Moods, Expectations, and BPD
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 22 ม.ค. 2021
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Dr. Fox’s latest (research based book): Antisocial, Narcissistic, and Borderline Personality Disorders: A New Conceptualization of Development, Reinforcement, Expression, and Treatment: www.amazon.com/Antisocial-Nar...
Dating is a complicated maze for all of us, and particularly for those with BPD. There are so many moving parts when you consider meeting someone else, being attracted to them, liking them and wanting more from the connection. In this video we’re going to discuss dating and BPD and the challenges involved, as well as the guidelines I discuss with my clients that helps them manage newly formed relationships that increases the probability for dating and relationship success.
For those with BPD, it’s common for them to feel an instant connection to someone else and for that connection to turn to a sense of intense emotional need. This is often in response to the common core content of emptiness. This connection, which is attraction, becomes distorted and powerful.
Those with BPD want to go deeper than the relationship is ready for, and they often reveal a lot about themselves early on in the first date or in the early part of the relationship. This is called the honeymoon phase. Everyone has a honeymoon phase, the whirlwind part of meeting, dating, exploring each other and so on. This is like a high for many people and it’s here that those with attachment issues and strong emotional needs build a perceived dependency to and on that other person, though the foundation is new and not solidified.
In many cases, when you push the relationship to become deeper than it is, the other person may go along for the ride for a while because these are “high times” (everything’s great), but soon after, when the curtain gets pulled back when actual intimacy should begin to build, the relationship becomes off balance and the other person is at a high likelihood to leave. When this relationship that seemingly had everything you needed in it, ends your core content of abandonment is activated which triggers emptiness, which sets off your other symptoms of your BPD. You may have been through this cycle many many times, but there’s something you can do about it. You need to treat your approach to dating and your self-disclosure like a book. We’ll call it, the “BPD Dating Book of Love”
Your BPD Dating Book of Love has 4 chapters:
Chapter 1: the meet, greet chapter.
Chapter 2: character exploration.
Chapter 3: Let’s get physical.
Chapter 4: intimacy.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 15 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.
He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:
Antisocial, Narcissistic, and Borderline Personality Disorders: A New Conceptualization of Development, Reinforcement, Expression, and Treatment. Available at: www.drdfox.com/books
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD. Available at: goo.gl/LQEgy1
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Silver Award Winner):: goo.gl/sZYhym
The Clinician’s Guide to Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders: goo.gl/ZAVe9v
Dr. Fox maintains a website of various treatment interventions focused on working with and attenuating the symptomatology related to individuals along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum (www.drdfox.com).
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Dr. Fox’s website: www.drdfox.com/
Facebook: / appliedpsychservices
Twitter: / drdanieljfox1
LinkedIn: / drdfox
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Amazon Author’s Page: amazon.com/author/drfox
Videos edited by Emil Christopher: emilchristopheredits@gmail.com
Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy my videos and find them helpful and subscribe. I always welcome topic suggestions and comments.
I was crying watching this but I laugh when he said "In chapter one we don't talk about trauma" why it's so easy to just start talking about it with someone you just met 😂😭
Because we don't want to waste our time with someone who doesn't accept us for what happened to us. Also it's a subtle warning sign to let them know what to expect from us in the future like our bpd rage and to be patient with us without abandoning us. In a nutshell to avoid being misunderstood and rejected which are huge triggers for pwBPD.
Lol I know right? I’ve always done that. My ex did it to but he doesn’t have BPD just trauma.
@@luckycharm1212 yep that’s why I told my ex about my BPD but sense I’m a Christian I told him, “I don’t think I have it.” Of course he said, “I don’t think you have it either.” We both screwed everything up in the beginning though because I thought he was playing games with me by not texting me back. Like someone else also said, “we live in a world of lies” and I’d just like to add to that “with a lot of traumatized adults children” we are adults but we’re walking around with such deep wounds. It sucks
Defs makes me wanna cry
@@mariahconklin4150 you have to let those wounds heal, otherwise you will bleed on someone who never cut you.
Having BPD is like being in love with love...
that comment hitted way too hard
"You deserve someone who values your time and does what they say they do." "Your job is not to save them or change them." This video is GOLD. Such an eyeopener, I'm so happy I found your channel, thank you so much Dr.Fox.
“Let’s get physical!” 🤦🏽♀️😂
The Dad humor is what keeps me coming back- the lack of judgement and lightness of tone is so good Dr.Fox- thanks for sharing your empathy,compassion and intellect with us.
I would love to see a BPD book of building friendships!!
Yes!!
Extra yes please....
‘I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me’ is a helpful book
Yes please
@@aharris237thanks
Please please please do a video on bpd and codependency.
Absolutely.
agreed
Yes!!!
That would be a great 👍
I think he has a few already!
For me trying to date, even online, is like entering a dense mine field full of pain, judgement and rejection. In therapy, on meds, hoping to get better.
Me too...I really hope I'm gonna be truly happy one day...this whole covid mess unfortunately doesn't help the feeling of void inside of us
Good luck to you !
you will. stay strong and positive
Update: just so you know guys, my girlfriend and I just had our 4 month anniversary. It really can and does get better! 😊
Learn to be happy single. Work on your self until you can attract quality and keep it.
You mentioned off hand a point about borderline and over sexualization. I’d love to see a video explaining that deeper!
Yes I want this video so bad as well!
Me too
Same
bib
same here! 09:57
this is swag dr. daniel fox
It’s so hurtful yet comforting how every sentence of this feels like a description of who I am. I guess I’m learning to accept my BPD and learning to work with it or around it has been mentally taxing. Yet, I know if I don’t stay on course I will fall short of who I want to be so thank you for continuing to do what you do Dr.
When he said "When folks with bpd start talking about their family it goes down a dark road pretty fast " ... Whewww Chile. you can say again! 🥴😓😅 I LOL'D
“Reading the chapter, doesn’t mean you have to finish the book.” Love that. That’s definitely “gray zone thinking.”
I was also wondering if it’s possible you could do a video on sexual trauma /BPD and developing relationships in adulthood?
Your chapter 3, ‘let’s get physical’ made me think of this.
Personally this would also be a video that would be helpful to me .
That would be perfect... I’ve lost trust abs never want to be abandoned again, it’s weird bc since I was young I’ve always been hurt by abandonment by friends now narcissist spouse of 34 yrs ... I’m understanding why we had toxic relationship even at 16 and 19 got worse he’s malignant covert narcissist I’m borderline... awful going thru divorce with Narc
Me too!
I'd love to see a video on codependency in ppl with BPD.
going to watch this a bunch of times. it just feels like it was aimed at me directly. perfect. thank you!
Right???!! I just had the thought that I could watch this at least once an hour for a full day. Gad, he's good, it's like he's in my brain. Absolutely wish I had this information yeeeears ago.
Dr. Fox, you should turn this into an actual book.
Please because I read “ I Hate You, Don’t Leave me” and I really didn’t appreciate it at all. I find Dr. Fox’s outlook on Personality Disorders in general really different and new affirming and empowering.
@@happylindsay4475 Totally agree about I Hate You, Don't Leave Me.
This could be such a cute, lovely little book :D
it would be a great little pocket book you can consult in the bathroom while your date is waiting for you haha!
I actually have a story about someone who became my favourite person and partner. They were into me before I was into them. We became bestfriends for a little over a year before we got closer. It was a really confusing time for me during the transition to dating and I can't imagine how difficult that made it for her when i was unsure about my own feelings but she wanted all in. I'm happy it happened the way it did though. She's helped me mature in ways i didn't know ever needed to. It's weird how things don't go the way you expect and become something you couldn't imagine without. She has truly helped me become a better person and i love her so dearly.
update: she gave me her cheesy noodle ramen I'm finna cry.
Can you do a video on friendships... and bpd... and having success at it...
I have BpD and struggle with codependency. I would love to see a video on that
Obviously every relationship is going to have a different timeline and pace, but could you elaborate on specifically how to tell that you've spent enough time in each chapter rather than thinking "welp, I touched on that area, time to go to the next chapter!"?
That’s my question
Same here 😅
I have BPD and have been married 10+ years... perfect timing for this video... I feel I can still use this video in my own situation... as always thank you Dr.Fox!
I am trying to go out dating but I am nervous & this video looks perfect for me. Its like scary how on time this is being posted for me personally 😅 🙃 😳
I know what you mean, i feel so much anxiety like even getting ready for a date throws in an anxiety attack i take hours and hours if not days to prepare n get ready for a date.Other times i procrastinate meeting them ,,,,,,hope this video will change the game for me,,,doctor fox has changed my life in many many many ways.....
Lately I’ve fallen back into old habits a bit and this was really a reality check for me that also offered a solution. I am now more self aware and ready for changes that promote further growth.
Chapter 3 always makes me think I have to finish the book and I contort myself to fit in this person's life despite sabotaging my own happiness because physical connection is one of the only things that humanizes me. I need to stop this immediately! Thanks again, I am on such a journey thanks to your videos!
I’m glad it’s helpful. Stay strong and be well.
“Let’s get physical”
You are the dad i think we all wish we had Dr Fox 😂😂 thank you for such amazing content!!
I just had a small episode, but after watching two or three videos, I feel better.
Some BPD sufferers do not feel empty or better yet, have triggers that make them feel empty like chronic physical illness and not having enough energy to do what one is expected and supposed to do. That, my family member says leaves him feeling empty. He also doesn't suffer from not knowing who he is. He doesn't have that symptom nor understands it. But he feels loneliness, sometimes intensely and that's when he wants the relationship to work and is giving it his all even when the other person shows toxic traits. But he is getting better at recognizing those traits and ending relationships. He has also become more comfortable being lonely. But chronic physical illness is extremely challenging to anyone but especially to someone who has BPD and I am assuming any other mental illness. He works extra hard. He is tired of the stigma.
This is advice parents should give their children!
How I wish I'd watched this 20 years ago! Never to late to change.
Im watching this because I’ve been single for close to 3 years and I met someone. I really really like them, and we both feel caught of guard by the how easy it is to be with the other. I haven’t date since I had my diagnosis and I really don’t want to fuck this up
Omg when he said not to make excuses for the other person I almost broke down. I do that all the time and I just got out of a relationship that I had made excuses for them treating me badly and yelling at me for no reason for 2 years. I hate that I instinctively ignore red flags
Wow I had a wild thought pop up when you said "it's not your job to heal them/save them...". A voice inside me said "well then why am I with them?" That just really put things into perspective for me about a lot of my unconscious motivations in dating.
I’ve been spent so much money on therapy and prescriptions and none of it helped me understand so much about my own bpd than these videos. I’ve never felt more understood. Thank you for posting these videos.
This is such a great video. Things may be very complex in reality, but when you're so much more lost than the average person, a discrete and concrete guidebook is really a game changer. Relationships for people with personality disorders are like trying to dance when you can hardly hold your emotional balance.
Dr. Fox, QUESTION FOR YOU...your videos are so helpful and I might add NEVER judgmental, which is so needed for those of living with BPD. I read or maybe saw that what those with BPD are actually love bombing and entrapping (much how people/professional describe narcissism)-is this your view? I know there is likely some overlap in Cluster B, although I tend to see the major difference is that those with BPD Have tons of empathy and those with NPD have little to give. Making the partnership obviously Opportunistic for one person.
And yes please, I would like a video on BPD/co-dependency. There are other high profile docs out there that have a ton of negative views on BPD and co-dependency. Which, I find super harmful and ethically questionable. Could you please create a vid on the similarities? I find myself seeing both creep up, and dating really seems to ramp these up, especially when pre dating , I feel quite independent and un “clingy.”
💯 ...that was well put!
@@ryana411 thank you🙂
Great comment 😊 thank you.
@@happylindsay4475 pleasure🥰
I am so happy to find your channel . My life it’s getting easier and better day by day . I am very thankful . I didn’t realize that I was BPD till now age of 40 and it all makes so much sense to me now .
I've always felt this intenseness in all my relationships but thought it was normal lol learn something new everyday lol
I started dating someone I have known for 20 years last year and I think we went through all 4 chapters in about 8 weeks. It was too overwhelming for me, I freaked out and they moved on pretty quickly. This is a very helpful video.
I’m 25 from Australia, female. Got substance addiction like no tomorrow....
Finally seeing a psychologist and said detox first and therapy after. (Found yourself a good psychologist) this took years and a lot of frustration .
Omg thank you so much for this video! Please make more healthy dating videos if you can! I am binge watching your videos and this one was extremely helpful! I am on the 5th month of a breakup with 3 months of no contact and still feel so much pain. This video helped give me so much perspective that I should have left on chapter 2. She didn’t value my time. Chapter 3 was an even bigger red flag she was not attracted to me. Yet I stayed because of the fear of abandonment. I became a sheep farmer to make her happy and gave up my hobbies for her. I will listen to this video a dozen times if I have to so my next relationship starts out healthy.
Wow, great video! I didn’t realise that I detest small talk when I’m romantically interested in a person, that small talk was a sign of them being disinterested because they aren’t asking deep questions...... but to learn that it’s normal in the first stages *mind blown*
The opposite is true for people who I see as friends, I love small talk but hate deep questions/convos.
Finally! A road map for relationships! I wish I had seen this video 40 years ago!
The advice in this video is really helpful -- People try to rush through the early stages of dating and fail to let chemistry develop naturally. The best first date I ever had was (don't laugh) a game of miniature golf.
Mines doesn’t tell me I’m boring, it tells me I’m annoying them
Yes, please do a video on BPD & co-dependency. Is it unusual to only realise you might have BPD in your 50’s? I’ve also been co-dependent, constant urge to please others, overly on alert to others moods , have addiction issues & abandonment issues after losing my Mother at age 13.
I guess it is unusual as anything with age as people tend to get more stubborn as they grow older, so a lot of people might not believe they have mental issues.
It’s very exemplary I think how open-minded you are!
Sorry about your experiences. Hope you can get a good diagnosis and either way find more peace in the future
I wonder this too.
love this approach to dating. thank you!!
Really needed this! I'm feeling hopeful
I'm 44 yrs old and found out I had BPD only last year (untreated). I knew there was something really wrong with me but didn't know what. I have every single symptoms. I think my symptoms have gotten worse over time. I don't have any motivation for anything. I don't want to work, ( I'm always changing jobs). I still live at my parent's house. (I did move about 20 times in my life). I basically don't ever want to grow up mentality. I don't want to find a new bf anymore because it's worthless because were not going to stay together anyway in the long run. I don't want to be on my own and at the same time I don't want to be alone. Weird. Since I was about 20 yrs old I always knew I would die young. I always had that stuck in my head.
I’m feeling very similarly though I am almost 20 years your junior and a guy. I hope you won’t judge because I am younger, I know sometimes I hear from 16 year olds and I’m thinking “well you got it so much easier” but this doesn’t have to mean they aren’t suffering like me.
I always think I would die young too. I think it’s simply because A) we concentrate a lot on our problems so we don’t plan ahead B) at least I personally always tell myself “when I fix myself I will do x y z...” and it feels pointless to think about what I would do with my life until the fix anyways. Because I believe “the fix” would change me so much anyways.
Feeling very childish. Living alone but I feel helpless with a lot of adult stuff (driving, buying a house etc.) so I don’t bother. Dating always results in wasted energy and being disappointed in not only others but myself as well.
I think if we could find a cure for our problem, may it be BPD or something else, we would have an extremely strong base for a good life though. Extreme will power from suffering, knowledge of self development and psychology, actually becoming more independent than a regular person etc.
Did I need to hear this today!
Thanks, Dr Fox
I really needed this!!! I’m glad I found you bc I’ve been going through this diagnosis trying to figure it out. I bought your workbook which has really helped me in the past couple of months!
I love your energy and the dad jokes hahahahah I died laughing at ‘you can google it on TH-cam’ though, I don’t think that was intentional but thank you for that 😅🤣
hehe my like made it 1k. thank you for making these videos btw, appreciate how detailed you are with this disorder, literally haven't found anyone as helpful as you. thank you!
Hit the nail on the head for me.
This is brilliant 🙌
It is unbelievable to feel so understood, thank you.
We all love you ,great works , so well done.
Side bar Dr Fox is hilarious. Lol. Education and humor. Thank you.
Thank you so much for this video!
Thank you for this video🙏❤️
Love your channel! This is amazing info
I just came across your channel and want to thank you for sharing these videos..
This is so helpful thank you 😊
You rock, thank you for making this video! I didn't realize I even needed this information ❤
thank you so much making this dr. fox - so many amazing takeaways!!! would love a vid on codependency and bpd
Thank you for this video!
Man, this video hit me so hard, I needed to hear this ❤️
Thanks for making this video Dr Fox always really appreciate your guidance
Your videos are so incredbly helpful, much appreciated.
This has been so helpful the past few days. I’ve listened to it a couple times now thank you for putting this information out there. It’s so hard to come by and feel understood.
Thank you for this video. This was much needed for me at this time
Great video! Easy to understand, and the things you talk about feel like we can accomplish them, like they're not impossible. Also 15:11 😆
Excellent video! Thank you.
Thank you so much, this is an eye opener
I love how passionate you are about music
I've only learned about your channel a few days back, after having a huge fight with my person that almost lead to a break up. It's such a blessing to have come across your videos and I have learned a lot from it already.
Yes please doc.. make that video... :D Love your videos btw.. I was diagnosed in the fall, and still learning how to deal with my emotions.. Your videos are very informative
Thank you so much for all of the videos! All the information is really helpful, especially for many of us that can't afford therapy. I was wondering if you could explore BPD/ Trauma and growing up too fast, taking on the 'adult' role because of abusive parents and how we feel stunted/ lost when we're older and how we can cope with it?
Im currently in a limerent emotional cascade and this is helping a whole lot!
This is so powerful . You're an awesome dude I just started watching your videos and I love them
Thank You for the updates opinions fact's Truths SHARED!!!!!!!
Yess to the codependency video, pls do more of these!!!I'm in my early 20s and I've only recently dated and it is SUCH a maze omg
Thank u for this video
Exceptionally empowering and insightful, as always. Thank you, Dr. Fox!
Thank you so much for the video . This is exactly what I have been trying to tell my therapist that I need ( concrete pointers on how to deal
with this ) but unfortunately he did not understand my needs . This video met them . Thank you :)
Dr. Foxx doing the lords work once again
Yes! A video on codependency and bpd would be helpful
Thank you soo much ...you are the only one that makes videos in bpd and for us is soo helpfull 💝
Yes Dr Fox would love BBC e to hear you talk about codependency and bpd
thank you for all you do. from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
I love all your videos!!! You are a life saver!!! I wish you were my bpd therapist!! I would love to see you make a video on bpd & co dependency, I struggle with that so much! Thanks Dr. Fox!!
Thank you so much for what you do Dr. Fox. I'm learning that BPD explains exactly how I feel and I've never been able to understand "whats wrong with me". Your videos give me so much hope and ease not only my mind but my heart. Hubz OF 10 years who has DPD and I are separated but are trying to learn how not to be toxic for each other. PLEASE CREATE MORE VIDEOS ON BPD AND DEPENDENT COUPLES! 🙏❤ ✌
Dr Fox, i couldnt have been more fortunate to have found you! Thank you for being such a bright light and helping me and so many others! Just wonderful content and such an amazing person! Keep doing what you do! Thank you unmeasurably a lot!
Very good explanation
Thanks Dr. 😊
I personally would love a video on codependency and BPD- I have both. thank you for this video!
Great video
Oh my god that was a bomb! Ohkayy im working on it
This was exactly what i needed to hear. lots of fear around my new relationship and this helped so much! thank you! will definitely be watching again
Thank you for this video. I’m trying to manage BPD on my own and this was very helpful.
Thank you Daniel. This is really helpful. You are really helpful. ❤️
This seriously helped me so much. I love watching your insights. Thank you so much it makes living with bpd a bit easier when I can understand it
Yes! Please do a video on BPD and CODEPENDENCY 🙏
Hi Daniel, I love your videos. I have really learned a lot. Please make a video about Codependency.