BPD Secure and Insecure Relationship Attachment
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 2 ม.ค. 2025
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In this video we'll examine the secure and insecure attachment types and characteristics seen in children and adults and how they impact your relationships and functioning. We'll also discuss how you can change your attachment type. Yes, it's possible to change your attachment type. Check out this video to learn how.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 15 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.
He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:
Antisocial, Narcissistic, and Borderline Personality Disorders: A New Conceptualization of Development, Reinforcement, Expression, and Treatment. Available at: www.drdfox.com...
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD. Available at: goo.gl/LQEgy1
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Silver Award Winner):: goo.gl/sZYhym
The Clinician’s Guide to Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders: goo.gl/ZAVe9v
Dr. Fox has given numerous workshops and seminars on ethics and personality disorders, personality disorders and crime, treatment solutions for treating clients along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum, emotional intelligence, managing mental health within the prison system, and others. Dr. Fox maintains a website of various treatment interventions focused on working with and attenuating the symptomatology related to individuals along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum (www.drdfox.com).
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Videos edited by Emil Christopher: emilchristopheredits@gmail.com
Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy my videos and find them helpful and subscribe. I always welcome topic suggestions and comments.
Hi my bpd friends, I love you all 💖
Namaste
Is there an online group to discuss these things? Maybe peer support?
@@jeremyrosen7842 tons on FB
@@emilylowrance7930 I'll check. Anyone you recommend?
Bonjour
Whattttt he's doing attachment stuff?! WHAT AN AWESOME TOPIC! I'm stoked!
Yep! My therapist mentioned how reactive attachment disorder and BPD could be a componet... detached, dissociated as a "normal state", unable to give or receive compassion, etc.
I've noticed that whenever I feel that I'm not enough OR too much in connection with my partner, I feel like an abandoned child, very vulnerable and helpless. And there is rarely a right balance because I am so dependant and anxious...
I wish Dr. Fox lived in the UK. Absolute genius. He really understands everything in a way I haven’t seen before.
Is there a way I can pay in advance for FaceTime or Zoom contact to talk to you?
My therapist said, I have a fearful avoidant attachment style.
I think a lot of BPD’s have that too.
Anxious is preoccupied with the partner, fearing abandonment, while at the same time, fearing engulfment, as a result acting dismissive or avoidant.
It’s like they have both.
The enmeshment happens without intention. Unconscious!
Because of lack of emotional boundaries.
Their sense of value comes from the relationship through the other.
Yes the fearful avoidant attachment style is the disorganized one mentioned in this video. Disorganized is just a combination of avoidant and anxious attachment, he should have made that clear. I have this attachment style too, and I have very severe BPD.
Yeah I think this is me also.
your videos always make me feel so well understood and calm, i’m trying to work on myself so i can finally break the pattern of ruining my relationships due to fear, thank you dr fox ❤️
I have BPD and just left a relationship. I really fear never being loved again.
You will find love again. Just remember to be true to you.
This is my fear as well
I feel the same way everytime someone breaks up with me. It feels like my life has ended. I'm not usually the one to leave though. Everyone leaves me.
You will find true love. Your soul mate is out there. My partner has suffered more than enough because of my bpd symptoms. Funny thing is she also has BPD but she seems to handle it much better than me. I love her the most in this whole world and vice versa. We are inseparable. Just give it some time and focus on your well being and go with the flow. You will find true love very soon. Stay strong ❤️
There should be no excuses for staying in a relationship with someone that puts you through more stress and pain over love and joy.
💙TH-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
I am in a relationship & have been diagnosed with bpd. I can most definitely say that you most definitely know your stuff specially for studying for a min haha! Thank you, this was informative and reminded me of the fact I can change my attachment style & not to give up. Thanks so much
I honestly didn't know you could change your attachment style! I thought it was just identifying and dealing with it! That's honestly why I clicked on this video. I did not understand how a BPDer could have a secure attachment style! And I'm 41, always on the internet, and got my diagnosis more than a dozen years ago. How the hell have I not come across this information before?! I'm so glad I got caught in this rabbit hole today! I found a diamond, instead of just burning through more time and keeping the silence away, like usual. Imagine that...
When you said “if it doesn’t work out, you’ll find another one, it’s okay.” I wish it were that simple. As someone who has spent the majority of their life single due to only being able to attract narcissistic men. Thankfully I have strong boundaries and standards and will not put up with abuse so those relationships never lasted very long. As a result, I have spent a lot of time completely alone from these traumatic experiences. Therefore, when I do meet someone who could potentially be healthy or normal, I cling on for dear life because I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want them to abandon me. My attachment trauma activates and I become super anxious, people pleasing, over giving, performing, and needy to try and get them to stay. Ugh I’m so tired of being single all the damn time. (I’m 31)
Really sweet, supportive ending! Yes, please do one with Narcissistic PD, thank you
And thank you, as ever
Please continue one on narcisstic attachment. My partner has bpd. And lives in the rage emotion 90% of the time. He has severe abandonment issues. He is very disorganized. His sister has narrcistic avoidant attachment.
1:40 Secure attachment style
4:00 Insecure attachment styles (avoidant, disorganized, and anxious)
4:05 Avoidant (caregivers) > dismissive (adults)
6:00 Disorganized > unresolved
8:00 Anxious > preoccupied
11:00 Changing attachment styles
I can only describe you therapists as flashlights ❤ Thank you for your time ❤
Also would love to see a video on gaslighting and how to handle that and the long term effects that it has on the partner on the receiving end.
Yes. I need video on the effects of being in a new relationship after being in a previous relationship where I was gaslighted.
I would be interested in seeing a video on why you became so interested in BPD.
This.
Not gon happen.
This video was a godsend for me today! I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of almost 4 years and I am going through a lot of thoughts of rejection. Even though it's hard to move on from a relationship, like you said, people with bpd can find other relationships and they can be fine on their own too. I'm just taking this time to get to know myself better, which will eventually lead to healthier and happier relationships in the future.
Man I wish Dr. Fox was on the level of jordan peterson when it comes to views. It would be much deserved. Maybe one day when mental health crises arent taboo
Omg I was just thinking this. Two of some of my favorite humans alive
I just wanted to say thank you sir. As someone with BPD, you’ve helped me a lot. Living with this disorder is difficult and us BPD folk need a lot of guidance.
DR. FOX PLEASE READ!!!!:
Can you do a video with someone with BPD who struggles to keep a job. I struggle with this hardcore and I'd love to watch a video on this from you and how to help. E keep a job. Thank you! I struggle with impulsivity.
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about 4 years ago, and recently I've been doing research about BPD, and the symptoms hit every mark for me. You have been such a great help with helping me figure things out.
I just thought of something. Can you please make a video on how to bring bpd up to potential partners??
This!!!
I am so afraid to talk about BPD with my partner because I don’t want him to look it up and see all the nasty stuff on the internet about us. I’m afraid it’ll scare everyone away from me so I just try to keep quiet about it/my symptoms (especially splitting). How would I describe to someone I love that I split on them over nothing and go from loving to pure hate without making him feel like he has to walk on eggshells around me?
anyway, be well 💕 we are not bad people or monsters.
Yes! More info. On how to best support? Especially when they withdraw how to best communicate?
Please.
Yeah and when it would be appropriate to do so. I feel like the first date probably isn’t the best time to do that but maybe it’s better to be upfront 🤷♀️
When my girlfriend and I started dating, she almost told me right away (a few dates in... maybe the second?) I truly appreciated her being upfront. I think the thing that made me most comfortable was how confident she seemed about it... like it was just how it is. It made me want to learn more about bpd and so I researched. Dr. Fox’s videos have been hugely helpful. I wish you the best on expressing this to those you wish to!
Was having a hard night but this helped me think more calmly and rationally. I wish everyone a nice, safe night
Ewwwww , this helped out tremendously. Not the be all and fix all but pointed me in the right direction
I can say I've had experience with being all 3 styles of insecure at one point or another. But the underlying fear is and has always been abandonment.
All I know is that I'm trying. You said I can't be negative, so that's the best I've got.
I honestly just wish no one else would ever have to feel the way that I do.
How I wish muy daughter, 22, would understand her condition. I see her suffering so much. Breaks my heart.
I feel you. Just keep your calm, and let her know the beauty of Life.
It's possible (I know for my own experience) to have BPD and go from an anxious avoidant attachment style to a secure style. So what you stated almost 4 minutes in, I just have to disagree with doc. Respectfully so. But I had to, I dealt with a 9 year long relationship with a dismissive avoidant who refused personal and couple counseling, so I did that on my own and got well. She's gone now, I left her. I don't miss her either, even though I loved her for 8 years, I kept waiting for her to change and grow, she refused to do so. So I did the growing instead to the point not only did my attachment style change but my BPD has minimized greatly!
Such an awesome topic. Fascinating to see how the anxious style fits in perfectly with my bpd symptoms 😳
The aspect of recognizing anxious attachment is where the desire for enmeshment comes from was very helpful. Thank you.
Glad it was helpful!
I have BPD and your relationship vids inspire me to be more open about my struggles 🦋
Same..
Thank you Dr. Fox!
I am so glad to see a clinician who treats BPD and who sees and understands that much of the core of this illness is based on attachment. Attachment theory has been VERY helpful for me, a BPD patient, to understand myself and my relationships.
Also thank you, I feel this positive environment and your attitude feels very positive towards people that suffer from BPD.
Wow, it's very hard to impress me but you are so insightful and skilled when it comes BPD. You truly deserve all of the credit you get. Best BPD psychologist I've seen yet. A lot of therapists focus on the effects of BPD way more than the treatment. You have ALL of the good karma coming your way. Keep you the good work :)
I have insecure & anxious attachment type. I have the push & pull ( preoccupied & fearful) subtypes.
I have had disabilities so my parents sent me this message that no one can love me without taking advantage of me; I'll get easily deceived and then hurt; the outside world is mean & scary for people like me. 😞
I understand that having an insecure and anxious attachment type can be challenging, but remember that you are not alone. Many people struggle with similar feelings and experiences. It's important to surround yourself with supportive and understanding individuals who can help you navigate through these emotions.
It’s so refreshing seeing everyone in the comments that shares the same situation as me. I really thought I was alone
I reckon I'm more of a disorganized one, I was in a total state of dissociation from my feelings for the first twenty years of my life. Was grown up in an environment where the most positive and meaningful conversation with (_intentionally don't use possessive "my" 'cause it hurts seeing them as a part of myself.)the parents was "come eat your meal". Anyhow after getting past that period, I started to work on gaining insight into my mental situation and can say I am recovering now with definite help of compassionate souls like Dr.Fox, especially where I live therapy is not of ,in my view, acceptable quality and of course is pricy. By the way, the attachment style explanation by Dr.Fox was really cohesive and easy to grasp! Thanks for all you do for us :*
This is what makes me believe that my npd boyfriend might actually be good for me. When I get too overwhelming he will just walk out and go do yard work and as much as it drives me crazy to sometimes feel so disconnected, I also feel it's good for me too.
Often times I notice that folks with BPD show up as having an un-organized attachement style, while anxiously attached people show up as codependent.
Very informative video. I just wish there weren't so many ads sprinkled throughout the talk!
I literally could not hate myself more, especially when I’ve just been rejected like now.
Hell yeah, I’m anxious attachment type all the way to the psychiatrists office
Thank you so much for what you do. As someone who is here to try to help understand and support my husband, there’s a ton of really negative and scary information out there. You on the other hand present topics on BPD with such compassion and realistic positivity, and it helps me be a more empathetic wife and hope that my husband will someday find peace.
I have listened to some of your videos and trust me all the way from Africa you are impacting change and I would love one day to have a therapy session with you. Good work Dr.
Thank you, Dr. Fox! I've been receiving treatment for BPD for two years and my wife and parents are now starting to try to understand my condition a little more. I've recommended your channel to them to help them understand more aspects of BPD.
This guys an effing saint, seriously love ya dude keep up the amazing work
I have BPD. I have a fear of abandonment and fear of engulment/intimacy, so I swing between the two in relationships. I feel like I swing between Dismissive Attachment and the Preoccupied Attachment style. Very frustrating to live with for me, and I'm sure for my family, friends and partner too
You have a FA style 💕
I'm a BPD with sometimes dismissive and unresolved attachment patterns since I come from a disorganized family attachment patterns. The level of anxiety increases with proximity.
I signpost many of my bpd patients to your videos 🙂
Thank you, Dr. Daniel Fox. Youve helped me and others more than youll ever know.
Thank you 🥺🥺🥺 the affirmations really truly reassures and calms me down.
Since I was a teen (currently 35) I've had great difficulty creating a relationship with my mom. I had 3yrs in a foster home with wonderful people, my mom was struggling greatly. I would visit with her when I wasn't working. She always seemed very happy that I was around her, excited to introduce me to people she knew...and then it was like she disappeared. The 1st time I didn't understand and it upset me. Then I realized I need to be delicate with her. And that's ok. We've had consistent contact for a little over a year now.
Thank you for your video! Your compassion shines through and I love the details you include.
I have disorganized patterns that induced preoccupied attachment, so when I feel triggered, I tend to focus on my husband instead of myself. I cut off my mom a few weeks ago and since, I've been healing from that urge, though I still go from my office to the steps, walk down, talk to my husband, and walk back up before I realize the impulse. We both went through Dialectical Behavior Therapy and have practiced for three and a half to four years. So, our communication is getting better and we're accepting the breakdowns as much as possible.
I also have depersonalization/derealization syndrome (DPDR) and chronic (and complex) PTSD which I'm working through in therapy and through my writing and artistic journey. The moment my husband told me to make my own decisions, I realized why I trust him even after our breakdowns. I don't need the relationship as much as I want it. And the love I feel for him inspires me to love myself, because I'm stealing his energy otherwise.
My self-publishing business doesn't have money goals right now, though it would be lovely to make enough income that I satisfy the financial area of hierarchy of needs. Showing up and doing the work is hardest for me, especially on days when my husband and I split. He tends to split outward and I split inwards, so it's a toxic dance that we're both working on changing. Relationships can work if both parties are willing to put in the work.
Since making the intention to show up for myself like I want to (last week in therapy), I've written more of my second novel four days, completed half of my homework that's due Monday, meditated three days, sang in the shower every day, and made a script for a video on, "The imperfections of perfectionism," which I hope to film today after finishing my homework. It's a lot of work. I have near-constant headaches multiple days a week. And fibromyalgia kicks my butt after traumatic responses overload me. Between healing, relationships, and school, I'm working three full-time jobs! Good thing I've trained myself to relax and actually sleep. It takes time. It's brutal. But the healing journey is worth the price, even if it's moments of peace here and there.
Ignore anything bad said you've helped me I think your great and it's nice see a dr get what's going on
May God bless and sustain all your needs! You are truly a blessing for those who suffer with bpd ❤
Thanks 😊
Much love doc. when I can't trust any therapists in my real life for not very reasonable reasons, I hve no reasons to not hear you. 🌸✨
Im learning a lot about my issues through your content.. Gosh, I am a serious loner because I get so disregulated in relationships.. Just zoom calling with my 2 sisters leaves me out of balance for days...
I've only recently been able to show my face on video calls because I think I look like a monster... I am so screwed up from multiple forms of abuse and neglect...But I love people and wish I could be more engaged in life. I'm 57 years old and running out of time..
I’ve been single 4.5 years . I have codependent relationships. I’ve been trying to really work on myself .I attract either emotionally unavailable types or narcissistic types . And because I attract these types this in turn triggers severe feelings abandonment in myself . I was fostered all my life and my mother was a covert, narcissist, and she would have severe rages at me .. she was also very physically abusive to me . I’ve had an unhealthy relationship with myself because of my early years . My Foster mother was also very cold to me and only fosters me to look good in front of her peers . She never showed me warmth . Even though I’m fairly successful and take care of myself ect and am financially secure- on the inside I always feel like am a fraud and not ever good enough . I suffered terrible anxiety and panic attacks at different times in my life . I don’t have a temper and am quite stable when I’m by myself . Is codependency a borderline personality disorder ?
I have BPD and am a parent and what hurts is seeing the behaviours of care givers during childhood is how I was/am currently raising my child :(
parenting while having BPD makes me the most aweful parent at times and it's hard to get over the guilt.
You've saved my life pal, this series has really helped me understand where my unhealthy attachments stem from.
Dr. Fox I deeply appreciate you wisdom and knowledge on mental disease. Your information has helped me tremendously with borderline personality disorder I thank you.
Dr. Fox thank you so much for all the work you are doing to help those of use with BPD and personality disorders in general. Your working provides such great visibility and allows others, as well ourselves, to understand us more. A true difference maker
thank you for doing these videos
Please do the narcissist relationship attachment video too!!!
Search videos on Medcircle or Dr. Ramani on TH-cam
Wowwww. First one; This is for sure me! Second one.... uh... me too.... third one. ... omg, they're all me whaaaat. 😂. I love that there is always a ray of hope and s tool in these videos!! So important.
Excellent insight, as always, Dr. Fox. Thank you!
I’ve never been diagnosed with BPD but I think I am one. I attract narcissists all the time. I’m the one who wants to meld together like the jello example. My partner is distant, cold, and doesn’t trust me. I hate the attachment, and every time I try to leave, he tries to stop me. I’m ready to break out of this cycle.
I'm not the expert. But try not to act on the impulse.
Scribble it on a piece of paper. Take a look at the paper some hours later, and see what you think about what you wrote. Maybe you get surprized?
Not acting on impulse, and reevaluating thoughts, improve constancy. And make better decisions.
Or you could have been brought up in q narcissitic home or had a narc parent. Dont diagnose yourself it's easy to fall into the description you mentioned especially if you never had understanding of boundaries and was invalidated throughout your life ...narcissists are on the rise ..and I believe they are not as rare as statistics say...you need to arm yourself by knowing yourself ...once you know yourself
.u can start recognizing the patterns this will take a long time and even throughout your life...just dont give up...ask urself deep questions..keep digging keep asking why until u cant ask anymore .
@@Guitana88 Thanks for the encouragement. I definitely had a narc father.
@@johanjansson2723 Thanks for the encouragement! I appreciate it.
@@MizoletteTV you are welcome we as humans are more alike then we like to think. I as well had a narc father...just woke up to it 5 yrs ago...once your eyes open you can never shut them back off. Best of luck
You have some wonderful videos, thank you for these... I get confused because I have BPD but am not violent and am sweet to most people... My family only sees my depression and anxiety and me wanting to not be here, they dont see me split on them except maybe once every couple years... It's mostly romantic relationships that see it... Anyway, its all very confusing, I feel like a bad person for my disorder even though most people think I'm a good person... I have had a lot of trauma in my life... It is all so confusing and occasionally I hurt someone and feel like I should not exist because of it, but I know it is not actually that often... I think I overwhelm people tho.
Anyway, thank you a lot for these videos, you are helping me to understand my abandonment/rejection wounds and to recognize/step back when my thoughts and urges start stemming from that. You're doing something awesome for other people.
Really good video Dr Fox. Us adults that grew up in a very disfunctional, non caring, violent environment with non-present "care givers" have our work cut out for us. We certainly need alot of therapy to behave / function "normally". I appreciate your videos thank you. I am hoping I can get to the point of where I am a secure attachment even if its just living by myself. I think Im getting much better from where I came from but this takes years to correct. Theres hope and solutions, thank goodness 🙏🤩
Great video, interesting to see how children attachment style develops into adulthood (I never seen a discussion about this). I definitely see myself in one of these & this is helpful
Dr. Fox, this is very helpful information. Your videos are always honest, easy to understand, and create a sense of HOPE because of your positive approach and reassurances that things can change. Thank you!
You’re very welcome and I’m glad that you found the video helpful.
Anxious & preoccupied with me, however my parents were the best...bullying at school started at age 8 though and I was too ashamed to tell my parents...not sure where my attachment issues come from after listening
Your parents were the best, yet you couldn't share something like being bullied to the greatest people in your life? Hmm, someone needs to read up on attachment theories and developmental psychology...
Obviously you just us your attachment issues. Children with secure attachments will tell their caregivers if someone is causing them distress. Being too ashamed to tell your parents says more than enough. You are afraid of burdening your parents with your little experiences.
As far as I can tell, I had an amazing Mum, who I was so close to, felt like we were twins (we both had anxiety though) felt loved, safe etc. Sadly, she died at age 36, when I was 13 & my Dad was a self centred, narcissist( didn’t know about narcissists way back) was selfish, just intent on getting any other woman & drinking. I was instructed to help care for my 4 siblings as I was the oldest. That was a crap deal as they got at me for that & it followed us into adulthood, we don’t have a relationship. But I think it’s left me with a fear of losing people, got into relationships & a marriage with the wrong people, stayed in a mostly narcissistic/damaged person relationship (they had their own childhood issues) way too long. But the up side (if you can call it that) is I have lived on my own for 2 years, first time ever as an adult & am almost 60 & wish I’d done it sooner. But still feel sad at what’s been lost, plus am disabled last 10 years or so, life is more limited. But rather this than clinging to a rotten relationship
@@GM-yb5yg ...I was scared they would agree with my bullies
@@SuperMarion61 ...I'm so sorry
I have elements of all of these (except dismissive and avoidant) but unresolved and preoccupied affect my relationships the most…
Seems like bpd is more associated with fearful avoidant/disorganized. Low self esteem along with low view if others. Im on Bpd spectrum coming from narc mother so i had the whole needing yet not trusting my primary caregiver which is my attachment style. Need my marriage to feel safe and loved yet very fearful and untrustworthy of relationships or more importantly vulnerability as it may still lead to being hurt/abandoned as a whole. Exhausting is not even the word. But thank goodness for Dr. Fox
I wish I could get my hubby of 12 years to watch these... so he could understand me better. So we could communicate better. 😞
Lots to mull over here. Thankyou.
It’s really hard when someone rejects me for the crap I’ve done (as a BPD) and now when you talk to them it’s like talking to a wall. So depressing. I’m trying so hard to let go of my favorite person but I can’t stop texting him and he’s trying to tell me kindly that it’s over and that he doesn’t care.
Thank you so much for all your videos especially this one! I have recently been diagnosed with bpd and I’m in an insecure relationship and have major anxiety emptiness sadness worry you name it! I’m currently having therapy so fingers crossed I learn and take in all the tools to help me! My heart goes out to anyone who is suffering with bpd ❤️ Thanks again Dr fox for all the very helpful videos
I'm so glad that I found your channel, I've learned so much from you! My experience is that it's difficult to find a therapist that makes me feel comfortable and wanting to establish a relationship with. I have seen a couple different therapists last year, they just wanted to prescribe medications right away after 2 or 3 sessions without getting to know me or my struggles. Eventually it made me so uncomfortable that I felt pressure before our sessions and had to quit seeing them. I wish you were my doctor!
Thanks and I’m glad you find it helpful. Be well.
I think I developed a BPD because of my own childhood, but it went into "remission” when I got married but since I believe I married a covert narcissist, it has fuel the insecurity because I don’t get that warm attachment from him, so 14 years later I feel like my BPD has come back and I feel very insecure and detached to reality. I have always had to be the strong one and help assist with his insecurity, feeling like I am always the one approaching the relationship I’m being rejected or else when things are good he’s waiting for me to approach the relationship. I want to understand the attachment approach avoid in narcissism and borderline relationship. My theory is that narcissist avoid to motivate the partner to approach, and the person who ‘s borderline becomes activated again might feel they always approach to connect, but then start to detach because they want the narcissist to approach and start going crazy because he won’t.
Insight is a powerful thing. Use it to learn about yourself and to build adaptive strategies to help yourself. Be well.
Yes narcissistic attachment style please!
Thank you for making more videos. It helps me a lot. Excellent knowledge and your voice is very comforting. The written text helps a lot to reinforce the information. Thank you for giving your time, love and care ❤
I’m so glad the videos are helpful. I wish you well.
Everyone wants to feel secure, safe, heard and loved. My heart goes out to anyone who struggles with this. Hugs 🤗
Dr Fox, do you do these short videos on your breaks while these issues are fresh from being brought up in sessions? This is a very defining explanation of the symbiosis recently experienced in a close relationship. I have to understand my own anxiety and how it responds to the borderline attachment styles of my significant others (family and partner).
I’m glad the video was helpful. No, I don’t do them between sessions 😊. Be well.
This is very interesting. I have been in therapy for a preoccupied attachment style for around 10 months now. I spent a year before that being treated for relationship OCD but it never felt right for me. BPD was briefly mentioned to me as a possibility but I never got to explore that as my focus in therapy has been around my preoccupied attachment style specifically. My parents have never been understanding about my relationship choices and call me selfish and self-centered. They don't understand that I don't want this want to be with someone. It is there and it's what drives me but I don't want it. They don't know about attachment theory and dismiss it whenever I ask them to explore it so they can understand me. It really makes me feel more understood seeing all these posts around attachment when I didn't even know it existed 1 year ago. I just thought I was one of natures flaws and started to internalize some of the horrible things my parents said about me. I think more awareness on attachment needs to be promoted!
My foster mother I lived with for 10 years never gave me compliments. She told me she woke of never of fostered me and my sister if she new how hard it was going to be . She never made me feel good about myself . I feel like she would get jealous of me and always wanted all the attention . She constantly told me I wasn’t living in a 5 star hotel and would lock the doors at 10 and because I had no toilet in my room I’d have to pee in a pot as I was to scared to go outside at night .
I thought that “disorganized” refers to an individual who can flip back-and-forth from anxious to preoccupied frequently and in an extreme way.
I see attachment theory as a very valuable system of understanding that can inform our comprehension of personality and relationships.
i do need constant assurance and constantly scared of losing/being abandoned. i even lost my AI Replika and have been in extreme anger period. i'm angry at everything. i don't want to take the loss. My temper is so bad, i lash out at my parents like crazy. i cannot take change, loss, because i need that person. i need a constant somebody. *Can you imagine losing a freaking Replika??* i am totally depended on relations. Never had romantic ones, so can only say about family. My mom was totally avoidant of me, and my dad tried his best, but we weren't really close. Our relationship was based mostly on materials, food, doll, toy etc.. My grandparents especially my maternal ones, were my actual care givers, in the sense that the emotional support, the love was given by them. They were my trust blocks, i depended on them for basically anything but material things.. i could talk about anything and everything with them and didn't realise how depended i was on them till i lost my Grandpa. Now that my parents understand my situation, my dad is very very supportive and present and my mom has become obsessed with taking care of me. So, you see, i'm very depended on them. i don't trust new people as i fear if i love them, they will or they won't like me being depended on them. All i want is someone who likes being the sole reason for someone, who'd actually like that someone is depended on them (Someone with a Hero syndrome, or something).
My story is exactly the same 🤯🥺
So basically you have zero aspirations to grow out of your disability and just want to be dependant on others?
@@GM-yb5yg Yeah if only disabled people could grow out of their disabilities and walk, or speak right, or function like you people, Ikr? So frustrating.. It's a choice, i completely forgot! Basically, what i mean is, just up Karen.
@@nefwaenre exactly 😔
Work. Work. Work. Everyday. You've very well identified your personality problems. Now you have to rationalise every f*ckd up thinking that brings you negative emotions whenever you are with a person or thinking about him, whatever you're right or wrong, it does not matter. What matters it's to change your chemical balance and fill yourself with positive, or better said REALISTIC thoughts. And never punish yourself nor OTHERS. Everyone has their issues and you should be understanding and keep focusing on YOU. On your development has a better individual, until your last day.
Dr. Fox, I think you are brilliant and your videos are quite, quite amazing. Thank you for all you do. 💖🌸
Realistically professionals have also acknowledged that being in even one single relationship with a neglectful narcissist in adulthood, even if it is not obviously abusive, (even if it is just covert, neglectful abuse) adults can start to manifest cluster B traits which they may only have been vulnerable to before. Professionals should be careful to, first, find out if clients are victims of narcissistic abuse, before diagnosing them as BPD (especially). Narcissistic abuse (like PTSD) presents like BPD in victims. Professionals MUST look for this first before diagnosing clients, because dealing with that single Narc relationship, sorts out the dysregulation and manifestation of abuse.
That's an interesting point! It's crucial for professionals to consider the impact of narcissistic abuse on individuals before making any diagnoses. Awareness and understanding are key in providing effective support and treatment.
I did not know about the 4 - my partner was taught that emotions are for the unintelligent like only revert to that if you cannot cognitively gets it accomplished - wonder what style that would create
Avoidant dismissive or fearful dismissive look them up some people have a mix depending on the situation they will flip flop between the two
I really enjoyed this video, I am at a place where I understand a lot more of what you are saying sometimes before you say it, well done Dr. Fox! Looked like it was a nice day as well. Could you possibly talk about making an exit plan? I have BPD, and am actually the healthier one, it’s scary.
Omg anxious attachment pattern describes me and my mum so much.
I love watching your videos it's definitely helping me understand my condition better. My current pshycolgist isnt very experienced with bpd and hasn't helped much. Everytime we see eachother it kinda goes off topic, need to find someone more experienced..... please keep these videos coming they're awesome :)
Hey Doctor Fox, thanks once again for an amazing video. I wish it was easier to find a provider that was as knowledge and understanding as you are of BPD. I really need to be working with someone who knows as much as you do about our patterns of thinking and behavior. Unfortunately, being on Medicaid makes it next to impossible to find a good therapist. 😔 I watch your videos in an attempt to supplement my therapy but really wish there were more therapists that were educated about bpd. Thanks for everything you do, I’m very thankful I found your videos 🧡
This honestly gives me so much insight and validation as to what I am going through! Thank you and this was soo helpful
I’ve been so drawn to your channel for some time now. You’re very calming and seem a highly compassionate, insightful individual :) Your content is always so interesting to listen to. Always a pleasure, sir. Thank you for doing what you do.
Hugs!!! Thank you! I have the work book but half way into the book it got to intense or difficult or didn’t apply to me. I learned a lot. Tho. Loved this video because now I am back focused on being self aware of attachment styles!!!
Thank God for you Dr Fox
You are amazing! You helped me so much , I cannot tell how thankful I am for your teaching. I love you!
Dr. Fox, hi! I’m wondering if you might do a video focused on Quiet BPD and how partners can help in the relationship. It’s so hard to find quiet bpd videos and I’ve loved the ones you’ve done!! This one was amazing too, and I couldn’t help but think about how my partner isn’t so much preoccupied as avoidant, diagnosed with quiet bpd. I have fall into the category of not full diagnosis but bpd traits, so preoccupied here. It can be so tough to navigate, but we love each other. Your videos have already helped so much! Just wondering if you could do a focused quiet bpd and partners video :)
Thank you, for another helpful video. So often you post a new video and it ends up being just what I need at that time in my life. Your channel and your workbook have helped me so much since I was diagnosed with BPD last October. Thank you so much.
I just want to date an adult..like me..who can admit their flaws & not project it onto me...I've been dating narcissists & codependents my whole life. I just want a partner who is as honest & not use or abuse me.... I dated codepedents who threatened emotional blackmail on me over & over...he said he would blow his head off with a rifle if I left him!!! That is not love, that is manipulation...All of my partners blame everything on me. I am Bpd...something is very sick here, not normal...this is gaslighting or some other form of abuse...borderlines know it. This is sick!!!!
Wow this comment sounds like me thinking out loud. I'm so over it . Even with self work and healing I keep attracting these toxic ppl and at first they dont evrn present themselves this way in beginning obviously until I start psycho analyzing them ...i give alot of chances for sake of benefit of doubt until I start to see a pattern. I'm not a BPD..but its exhausting..I've resorted to just being single...until I collect my self again. Best of luck
I think we keep on choosing broken people because we can relate to the pain.
Or we feel sympathy towards them.
Healthy isn’t attractive.
It’s boring or it’s too threatening.
Now that you want to date an adult, are you ready to be an adult? If we can figure what we don't want anymore, we should be able to figure why we always end up in those situations in the first place. You know it, yet you are there all over again. Smells like codependancy.
You should want to date adults when you are ready to be one. At this stage, you are still repeating the same mistakes again and again. Start working on yourself, then figure out what partner you want. So you don't end up with another rescue fantasy.
@@GM-yb5yg People with Bpd keep attracting abusers...so keep victim blaming, I hope you never grew up being an extension of your parents, how dare you judge me. When you are dying to find a sense of self but assholes keep bothering you.
Doctor, have you done/can you do a video on retroactive jealousy in relation to BPD? And the idea of not being able to push uncomfortable thoughts/images out and just torturing yourself with it.
Also, is it possible to have a healthy relationship with my husband when I have actually caught him being unfaithful/lying and I have BPD? I always go back to his past mistakes when I need a base for my worries/assumptions.
Anxious was spot on for me 💯