I am SO excited to announce that I've launched a 4+ hour relationship skills course: psychologywithdrana.learnworlds.com/course/the-connection-course For those of you who like videos such as this one and want more, definitely check it out :)
The start of the video is somewhat strange. Just asking to confirm that you aren't trying to convey that the problems between mother and child start with some abnormality of the baby?
Truthfully at this point I have no empathy for my BPD parent. I went through too much. Imagine being a child dependent on an adult who is almost always angry or falling apart. It has had a lasting effect on me and I don’t even like to think about it. Tonight is the first night I actually looked this up on TH-cam because it’s not something I like to think about.
" Truthfully at this point I have no empathy for my BPD parent.." That makes two of us, for I too had a BPD parent and my childhood upbringing was a sheer living hell.
You completely described my mom (now deceased). She made my childhood a nightmare with her manipulation, emotional outbursts and abuse. From a young age, I dissociated myself from her, which caused her to latch on and lash out even more. She eventually went to therapy, which only made things worse. I grew up lacking social skills and with no friends because of the overall neglect from divorced and absent parents - and being an introvert certainly didn't help. Took me a while to catch up on these skills. I have learned a great deal from my parents about what NOT to do with my own daughter, and I am happy to say we have a very healthy, fullfilling relationship, and soon I will be celebrating my 15th wedding anniversary. I am proof that you don't have to be like your parents, if you don't want to.
Just imagine what your BPD parent went through with her disorder and what she may have dealt with from her parents. I'm sure her life wasn't a bed of roses either. It's not fair to anyone involved.
@@truthseeker3376that is the WRONG thing to say to a person trying to heal from a personality disordered abuser. They cop a lifetime of feeling they should forgive the abuser because of the abuser's past, plus the abuser manipulates and guilty them constantly. The right thing to do is validate people, and eventually they may come to forgiveness in their own time, but even then that doesn't mean they should have the person in their life.
"genetics loads the gun, and environment pulls the trigger." -Dr. Francis Collins the good thing is if you are self aware enough you can usually break the cycle; if you do plan on having kids or just want to be a better person.
Me and my twin brother grew up with and absent father and a borderline mother. Our grandmother was the person that actually raised us for a period of time. And yes, the greatest fear of being a son of someone with borderline was the sensation that we didn't know how if my mother was in the "good" or "bad" state. As a result, home = dangerous. That's why we don't talk anymore with my mother. It's sad, but we couldn't build something for us with stability.
Wow, your situation is the exact same as mine. I didn’t grow up with my father and my mother’s personality is like this, it’s very difficult to reason with her and oftentimes contradicts herself in her behavior. My grandma is the one that actually raised me and the one I feel more affection to.
That’s the worst, never knowing. Lived with my mom, distant family wasn’t around, got good at just knowing exactly what was going on in her head by her speaking or body language so I could know before a blow up happened.
I feel u now that my grand ma is no more and being 20 I still feel like a little girl sometimes. I'm trying my best to heal myself but I feel sad and tired.
I have BPD+BIPOLAR 2. Same as my mum. My life has always been absolute hell. It's a miracle I'm still alive. I refuse to bring children into this mess and do to them what my mum did to me. I'm in my third year of therapy and just starting to feel stable and overall better. I'll keep going until I'm in full remission. I wish my mum got treated too. At this point I know she'll never want to change or even accept it. I'm in low contact with her and I'm scared in the future I'll have to go full on no contact to preserve myself and keep healing.
good for you u girl. you should feel absolutely proud of yourself for stopping the cycle with you and for your personal peace of mind. you deserve the highest praise!
I grew up with potentionaly borderline mother (never diagnosed but she meets all the criteria) and it fucked me up so good I have grown to avoid close interactions with others, if your own parent can treat you like shit, you dont trust anyone
I got into an argument with my mom because i was trying to set healthy boundaries with her.She was being nasty to me for sticking up for myself.I found myself so upset that i had to check myself into a hospital for a few days. It seems the universe led me here. This video gave me so much comfort and validation. I feel its definitely ok for me to take a break from her to focus on healing and self care. Thank you!
BPD might be hard to fully end, might be better to not have kids, or have them with a relatively large and close family in such a manner that there is always at least three different people there for them
@@ahdorbfidks Unless the symptoms are completely in remission, I don't think it would be right to subject a child to that kind of insecure attachment. I suggest adoption.
Interesting you mentioned jealousy of the child spending time with friends or even a romantic partner once they're old enough to date but didn't once mention jealousy of the other parent, but I imagine my situation is extremely common. My mother with undiagnosed BPD (and covert narcissism too) could not handle me and my brother preferring our dad. She felt so abandoned I think.
Oh my mom would have too, but our dad dipped out so it wasn’t as much an issue. But she’s sooooo jealous and hates my friends and always wanted all my time and attention also for her.
@@Wishfull171 My dad btw left my mom when I was not yet 4 years old and my brother not yet 2 (so was 3 and he was 1 but it was like 3.75/1.75 years old lol) and he just visited a lot, once a month ish, once every 6 weeks maybe. Weekly phone calls. For 6 or so years. Then when I was 10 and my brother was 8 my mom's BPD had gotten so much worse and her abusiveness was so horrific... but my dad moved back to our state and we got to see him once a week for the weekend and my mom just really stopped being able to handle it.
@@VioletEmerald I swear when I treated I tell people once the kids are getting to an age to have their own opinions or life, it’s starts getting worse over time. It’s easy when babies are with you 100% of the time, don’t speak, do anything you say etc. but I really think a lot of triggering happens when kids have other things or people in their life, start thinking for themselves and have opinions, for me at least that’s how it was. Wasn’t perfect but once I was 10 it started getting rough then worse every single year sense. I just felt mine had no matter all love or instincts for me at all anymore after 9.
Fr she'd go full feral and scream about betrayal and being bribed bc i prefered spending time with dad. No girl ppl just generally prefer others that don't beat them up and harshly judge their every breath while talking about how great they are
omg my bpd mom was soooo jealous of my life partner when I met him. It was the most horrific time. She ruined all of the joy of this new relationship by being a terror. She finally calmed down and accepted it after 5 years at least. She still thinks I abandoned her for finding my person though
My dad has borderline and always refuse to seek treatment, he was also raised and abandoned by a narc/absent mother. he was always looking for her approval but at the same he hates her and all the women. He was also doing drugs and drinking so he had outburst range, mood swings , he was beating my mom and my sis and I grow up in fear and don’t remember a happy event with him.. he was often in jail and miss my bdays, Xmas .. but you know what’s the worst part? Not be able to communicate your feelings because every time he gaslight you or said things like “that’s not true, I was there when you needed and I gave plenty of money to your mother”. That’s not the truth and I know he won’t admit because he knows he wasn’t a good father at all! Now I’m 30 and changed my city and run away in Japan, he always try to send me message but I try to not reply or reply because I feel guilty, I have bipolar and taking seroquel and all my traumas ruined some relationship but now I know it wasn’t my fault . I’m trying to get better and want to do therapy and instead of run away from my trauma I want to heal. Send love to all the surviving children ❤
something that's often forgotten is that untreated BPD often comes along with addiction problems, which is further damaging for the child. and addiction on the other hand raises the risk for physical violence.
My Dad just told me he has been diagnosed with BPD (In his 70s!). It explains so much. I ended up being diagnosed with psychosis, depression, anxiety, OCD and PTSD. I had cut him off from me for years but can now see a path where I can show him compassion. He is getting the help he needs (DBT.)
1:35 thank you for mentioning how agonizing and insufferable having BPD is. I have BPD and have been in treatment for a couple of years now. I spend a good amount of my money on therapy, and whenever I am having a "bad BPD day" I try to minimize my contact with people in order to never treat them poorly. It's a truly agonizing and painful mental illness to have, and most people have it as a response of trauma. I've wanted to give up on life thousands of times, but I keep waking up, working, studying and doing my best to keep going while hanging on to the hope that one day it will get better. I try my hardest every day not to fall apart, and I'll keep fighting to get better. I refuse to make others suffer, especially my future children. This curse ends with me 🙏🏻
You described my life with my BPD mother. I seldom knew which mother I would have to deal with, but I knew her drinking usually meant the fun, happy, drunk mom. Until she passed out, then I'd have to stub out her cigarette so she wouldn't set the couch on fire, or I'd have to clean up her vomit. Later when she started using drugs I'd have to assess if she'd done too much and needed to go to the hospital. I loved school because I could escape and be a kid from 9am to 3pm. After school it was back to being my mother's parent. I suffered from anxiety so bad I had ulcers by age six and still deal with depression to this day. I never married or had children because I felt that I raise my mother and endured enough abuse all that time. Now I'm happy to live alone with my cat and dog (who get along wonderfully) and focus on all the things I never got to do as a child.
God bless you! You're such an admirable human being. That must have been so hard to manage. It's good to know you're happy now and I pray you heal from trauma 💓
I've got BPD. I am fortunate that I have had Psychotherapy to address this. I grew up with a NPD mother. Your research is very accurate Ana, Thanks for highlighting this disorder I applaud you.
@@Wishfull171 Thank you Alyssa.. your kind words mean ever such a lot to me. I wish you the very best of healing and remember you are the one person who can really love you 😘❤️
This video describes my entire childhood! Now at 21 years old, I've recognized: all the emotional outboursts and rage, the instability and the fast mood swings of my father were the result of untreated BPD. As a result, I've spend most of my life isolating myself, reading and being in nature, never wanting to have a social life, even though people were approaching me. I didn't let them in. People in my perception were just really dangerous, so I've decided to avoid them althogether. Trying to heal, but don't know where to start cause my father still tries to have contact with me, I on can't stay one second in his presence without feeling angry for all the things I had to go through as a child. It's also really interesting how many of my past friends are also diagnosed with BPD. What most people find offputting, unsafe or straight up abusive...well, for me it feels ike home. Since I have gained a lot more knowlede on Borderline Personality Disorder, my childhood suddenly makes so much sense. Does anyone know where to start the healing? Much love from Germany
Same here. I just got this book: Surviving a borderline parent by Kimberlee Roth. It seems to be a good start to recovery. Also mindfulness will help you to become aware of your emotional status and to slow down your intrusive thoughts.
Dr. Ramani does incredible work, highly recommend browsing through her channel to start your process. Prepare for grief and anger prior to seeing improvements, you’ve got to flush all the hurt out before you can really start to heal. Sending you all the love, clarity and strength on this journey 🩷🌟
A lot of this resonated with me, how my mother is and how I am as a result of the traumatic childhood I had with her. But I am still confused because it's not totally the same and when I hear about narcissistic mothers/children that resonates a lot also. She had a hard childhood and was deeply traumatised and I spent most of my life just trying to make sense of the world and what happened to me, why I am so bad at functioning in society in general and especially in my relationships that are so unhealthy and heartbreaking. Only in my 30s I discovered who I am and found the courage to start trying things out that I like. To live my life like I would actually like to without guilt and shame. Now at 36 I am a totally different person but I haven't forgiven her, I understand but I have a natural aversion towards her. Like my body just knows she is not good for me. And I also sometimes can't get over the fact that I lost my youth to the deep depression I was in and I am still in mourning because the more I grow, the deeper I go in therapy the sadder the picture of this abandoned and neglected child I was becomes. I think the worst part is how lonley I have felt my entire life, it still hurts me to the core of my being and I haven't found a way to heal that (yet).
Great explanations. Wow! Saying, "No." I was never permitted to say, "No," to my mother. This inability led me into abusive relationships in which I was the caregiver. I'd been trained to follow and be compliant. OMG! Thanks for explaining this.
idk about a bpd parent, but my last relationship 2 years ago was bpd. He switched overnight and destroyed my social life. He went from the perfect partner to cruel and unstable literally overnight and the trauma I have from it still haunts me. I wish I knew how to completely heal from it but its hard to even look at other people with any sense of trust anymore
My mom is def BPD and yeah I cannot maintain stable relationships due to my schemas of innate distrust of others because I internalize a lot of self hate due to inconsistent parenting. Sucks. I see why she is wired as she is because her mother treated her similarly. She could never be good enough. I love my mom dearly but I know I cannot psychologically deal with her unstable moods let alone anyone else in my family. She wrote me a long letter on Christmas how she acknowledges she wasnt the best mother and so on. Makes no difference if she isn't in therapy and even if she was, not sure how much can really be repaired at this point. Is it mean? Yeah not really sure, but I cannot afford to get caught up in magical thinking of the fantasy of having a healthy family. Sorry for the rant, you just really put a lot into perspective for me with this video.
I really needed to see this, thank you so much for making this video! My mother has untreated BPD and fortunately I didn't develop it myself, but I developed several other mental illnesses for which I've been in treatment for many years (they're not all associated with her, but I know it's a huge contributing factor). The part you mentioned about inconsistency and what that does to a baby, a kid, and then the child as an adult resonated so much with me. I never know what to expect from anything or anyone, I'm hypervigilant and constantly scared of unintentionally doing something to upset the people in my life because as a child I got so used to my mother going into a rage because of some little thing I did or said that I didn't even know was wrong. Looking back, those things tended to be things that I can now see her interpreting as me potentially abandoning her. I wouldn't say I'm f**ked up for life (at least I hope not), but it really did affect me in a lot of negative ways and it's hard not to resent her sometimes for putting my sister and I through that simply because she refused to get any sort of treatment. I've seen a lot of comments from parents with BPD who are scared of negatively affecting their kids, and really, it comes down to whether you get treatment. I work in mental health care myself, I've seen lots of people who have BPD recover and be wonderful parents. Again, I don't resent my mother for having BPD. I resent her for refusing treatment (that we easily could have afforded).
Agreed, mine also sadly refuses treatment, and I was the one who was the black sheep and also she depended on fully for emotions etc. wish she got help but have a very distant relationship now because of it. Never knew when she’d flip and go abusive for hours, made me feel responsible as an adult for everyone’s emotions and a perfectionist.
I think my mother might have had untreated BPD. Do you mind sharing some examples of the things your mom would go in a rage about for fear of abandonment? I know my mom shows a lot of these symptoms, but I’m having a hard time putting them in a context of fear of abandonment.
@@taylorcampbell4067 triangulation(setting others against you by sharing gossip or revealing your flaws) would be a way to cut off your new support or friends, that way you wouldn't abandon her. Or saying things like, no one else would ever love you or loves you. Convincing you the world is against you.
@@taylorcampbell4067 a big indicator that separates it from other disorders (other than the fear of abandonment) is splitting. They will go from idealizing to devaluing you or someone else with in a blink of an eye. You can be the best child in the world one minute that they’re so proud of to being the worst person that disgusts them the next. I highly recommend the book Ana mentioned “Walking on Eggshells”. I feel like splitting is the biggest indicator for those of us who aren’t doctors because some of the other behaviors can be the same as other personality disorders. My grandma gave it to me when I was in middle school and it helped make sense of my mom so much! I don’t know if you use Reddit, but I just started and there’s a subreddit for people raised by someone with BPD… You might be able to distinguish from looking at the thread. It’s wild how similar the parents with untreated BPD treat us and even talk to us 😅. If your mother does have it, I highly recommend therapy if you’re not in it already and have access to it. I wish I would’ve have when I had access to it, but my trust issues were so bad I refused to open up 🤦🏼♀️ Edit: I went back to type something which is why some of the sentences aren’t in order lolz… hope it still helps :)
I just asked this myself yesterday if there are studies on people who grew up with a parent who has BPD, how this may (negatively) affect me and what I could do against it. Thanks for the perfect timing and probably saving me a good amount of self research time.
Hey my friend. The Therapist who created Dialectical behavioural Therapy wrote an excellent book to support family members of BPD people. I can't remember her name but I'm sure a quick Google would bring it up.
They definitely are higher risk of having BPD themselves, but also far more likely to develope other mental health issues such as anxiety disorder, substance abuse, PTSD, etc.
I had a BPD mother and she was evil and it made me BPD. My childhood was hell and my life has been painful and mostly an isolated existence. Finally in therapy at 53 for BPD for 3 years now and making the most progress in my life. Yet the progress is slow and agonizing and I have tremendous anger and resentment for the abuse that I suffered at the hands of my evil BPD mother.
My sister diagnosed herself she matches it perfectly. Refuses to get help though I was her punching bag until she moved out when I was 24 what a weight was lifted. She gave me thick skin. The way she hurt me I’ve never met anyone else that could do that.
Same! But my mom, honestly someone could curse me out or say the deepest cutting stuff and I can handle it, but messed up why we develope that power. I left home at 17, but still some years to set boundaries and cut it off. I hope you have other good family who loves and cares for you. I tell people she was my life’s greatest bully and abuser, I don’t think anyone could do anything to top that.
This hit a little too close to home. I grew up with a dad who was a alcoholic and had/still has untreated Bpd. It’s definitely still affecting me now 😕
Unfortunately I have a very hard time getting behind “dropping the stigma” on people with BPD. My Mother gaslighted almost the entire extended family except for my brother into thinking we (my brother and I) were emotionally abusive towards her, which had terrifying effects for my social life. While I do have very, very close friends with BPD whom I love deeply but I also often witness cases of BPD parents getting extremely violent and abusive(like publicly kicking a 6 y/o out of their house in winter with nothing but their underwear on, etc.). There are innocent people suffering under their abusers and there will never be an excuse for it, mental instability or not. It’s okay to have negative emotions, It’s okay to have a fight sometimes because you feel abandoned and it’s okay to be helped by the people around you because you can’t handle the stress your illness has given you currently. However, abusing your loved ones doesn’t make you a BPD- survivor, it makes you into a perpetrator of violence and it should be punished as that.
Yes. And the BPD message board slash chat room threw me off the board in the late 2000s for simply telling the truth about my mother and trying to even be humorous
My mom recently shared that she suspects my father might have BPD. I grew up believing he was a narcissist, so her perspective left me feeling a bit puzzled. After hearing this, I decided to do some research and came across your video. I can’t thank you enough-it truly opened my eyes to my own experiences. I’ve carried guilt and fear with me my entire life, and now I finally understand why
My father has BPD he has broke my heart so many times and he absolutely destroyed me :( I was recently diagnosed with BPD aswell and it's very scary because I don't want to be like him it's terrifying because I'm finding myself engaging in these behaviors I take double my prescribed dose of anti-psychotics just so I won't lose control of my emotions and hurt people like he did. I rather be a braindead zombie my whole life then do what he did to me to others.
Thank you so much for this video. I have a BPD parent, an NPD parent and BPD sibling, and this is a godsend. I suspect I have taken at least some BPD traits as survival. Lots of anxiety around relationships has left me desperate for answers. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
The first borderline personality disordered person in my life was my father. Thankfully my mother was not personality disordered. She was a bit of a doormat however. And my dad also was comorbid with narcissistic personality disorder. Ended up with three personality disordered siblings all cluster B. Absolutely the hyper-vigilance, the what mood is he going to be in this particular minute, questions always ran through my mind when I knew that my father was about to enter the house. My hyper-vigilance included the ability to perceive his hand on the doorknob on the back door from upstairs in a room far from the back door. He made me the scapegoat. He died when I was 11. My mother protected me from the scapegoat role. But as soon as she was close to death my surviving siblings put me right back in that scapegoat role and that's why I've been no contact with all of them for about 12 years. Best decision I ever made!
This is such of a good & concise video about what it can be like to grow up with a BPD parent. It can be so confusing to grow up in it. The more I learn about it, the more I wish my family member would be open to going to therapy. They're not all bad, they just were dealt a bad hand in their life, and could get better with assistance.
Outstanding lecture. Have you considered going the teaching route in your field? By today's standards, it seems most parents, from a couple of generations ago, would be considered seriously neglectful in the area of emotional development of their children.
Honestly, yes. I have been thinking about this lately. All the stories from older people in my life really boil down to all of them being neglected as a kid and they do not even realise it . I guess it's hard to come in terms with things like this and admit that you were hurt by the ones who were supposed to take care of you.
In the past there was more community effort in raising and meeting the needs of children also family's were bigger and more siblings means more support options for a child also grandparents nearly always lived with a relitives family and helped in child rearing Long story short in the past parents could afford to give child less attention because closer communitys and family's filled in emotional need
Yes parents would be more neglectful but they would also be elders in thr family, grandparents, uncles and aunts, cousins and siblings that fulfill the emotional needs.
I haven’t studied BPD or read extensively about it, but it sounds like what was stated was a very comprehensive explanation on some of the origins, traits and responses a person with BPD has with their family or close people in their environment. Thanks
I love your presentation of psychological knowledge. Your vibe is so not didactic but still authoritative, and you have such a wholesome and sensitive energy. I reckon you're going to be star.
Thank you, this was really helpful. I like that you show clips of the research papers. I'm so confused about what's happening with me and how it all came about. My childhood was never stable for long and then when it finally was as a teenager, living with my grumpy, negative, and critical Grandfather caused me to have this negative voice in my head. More than anything I just want to have a sense of stability.
Thank you for this clarity..🙏 What a wonderful talk. Yes I experienced triangulation and parentification. my mother (at 70) is undiagnosed...a true BPD. But I did not develop a fear of abandonment,.. I grew up avoidant. Then did 20 years of working on myself. Since I had to raise myself and avoided her ever blaming or lying twist on reality. At 15 I checked out of caring. I care, but from a strong boundary and distance. I wish she would heal... and seek help. I am going to watch this video two or three times.❣❣
This was a great video! I wish I had heard it 20 years ago. And I fully appreciate that we don't want to stigmatize sufferers of BPD. But we also need to consider the huge number of people who are in those families, were raised by, taught by, work with, had relationships or are friends with people who have BPD. It is completely unfair to use "don't stigmatize" to = "the rest of you shut up about the astonishing amount of abuse and suffering you have endured at the hands of people with BPD". I commend and respect anyone with BPD who is actively working on making their lives better, especially since so many never do, much less even acknowledge that there is an issue. But doing the math, there are far more people without BPD who have been affected by it who need help and could use a therapeutic process. This would be a huge and greatly welcomed movement, yet all of us seem to get left out of the conversation, or shamed into silence.
In this generation with all the education we have it is completely inexcusable for anyone with mental health problems to not get help BEFORE having a child. I forgive my mother but I am definitely breaking the cycle and getting therapy. We all need to take responsibility and we can’t change the past. I will say though growing up with a mother like this I wish I was taken away or adopted. It was horrific growing up with this and the isolation 😢
This is so true. And thank you for the validation. It is helping to undo the gaslighting that comes with being raised by BPD parents. I do think it’s important to differentiate from BPD versus borderline tendencies (mainly the lack of insight). I think children learn from their parents regarding reactions to situations. That seems more the latter than a true lack of insight.
This is the second time I have watched this. So many things you touch on are spot on in my experience. I’m so happy that this topic has become more understood.
This is the best video I've seen so far that goes into such accurate detail about this situation. I hope you keep making videos related to this topic, it really gave me a lot of support especially since I was having a particularly difficult day dealing with a very relevant case.
We would get ignored and cold shouldered so we would keep repeating “mom” over and over again like Stewy from Family Guy. War of attrition, wall of silence. No diagnosis tho.
I have bpd and want a family of my own and kids so much. To care and to be loved. However, having grown with a mother and a grandmother with bpd and learning about the consequences of being parented by a bpd person points at such a choice being unethical.
I like your presentations very much. The material you present is top quality and the empathy you convey is healing it itself. You are already very successful in your career. Your videos have re-kindled an interest for me. Thank you
i have bpd that ive been treating for around 5 years now (it is way better tho ik its still very much a challenge) and i grew up with very traumatised mentally ill parents who never got treatment nor believe they need it. i definitely see the ways in which my mum acts that match very well with bpd and i think that was definitely a massive reason why i also developed it. i am a bit scared sometimes when i see the similarities between me and her but i also know that the most important thing is that i am working on mine and trying not to make it other people’s issue and i should be proud of that. still i do wish sometimes that she could get help but i know that is never going to happen at this point
It was rough stuff but my mom had to find a way to be strong in a hard world. She might be a pain in the butt and a lil psycho, but she has a really big heart. Boundaries help but holy moly it be rough sometimes!
The jealous situation is what I’m in. I married the love of my life, and my mom resides with us due to her life situation. She’s a felon and ex addict. She literally can’t find a place of her own. I can just feel the venom oozing out of her around my wife. I feel like I’m trapped in a sense.
" She literally can’t find a place of her own." She don't WANT TO FIND a place on her own. If you believe that BPDs and NPDs do everything they can, you are fooling yourself. They are pretty cool with you doing everything for them.
Wow didn’t know this was a thing and you just described my entire upbringing and most of my adolescence lol. I understand some of my tendencies now . Thank you 🙏
Hi Ana, I don't know if you take suggestion, but I would love if you could make a video about anxiety and decision taking. I have a lot of trouble when I have to make a decision, even when it is a small one, I always find compelling reasons for A and B which make me super insecure.
This was amazing having this topic explained so eloquently. My father was a narcissist and my mother has a BPD. This has caused me trauma leading to devastating consequences in my life. I'm still trying to work through this at the age of 52.
I wish there were books for kids/adolescents on how to cope and start recovery when they have BPD NOD parents. Some kids are ready for understanding early.
My father left the world when i was quite young, so i was taken care of by my mother, even before the demise of my dad she had a borderline personality and after that it only got worse, at some points i didn't want to return home and run away, things remained like that until 20 years of my age but now when i have moved out from the home I'm gradually trying to improve the relationship, because I'm still grateful to her for the things she has done for me, but i can't forget the things i have suffered from, realising that she was agony too and maybe she wasn't able to control it, that is how I cope with it, and try to move on and improve the relationship. For the perspective, I got beaten up to hell and back for not scoring 20/20 on a test, my score was 19/20 💀 This is just one of many Btw I'm glad i didn't develop any trauma or disorders considering how messed up childhood and teenage i had 💀 I guess I'm built different 😂 or I'm just like my dad he was also an exception in his family tree, He is someone i love the most, it's really unfortunate i can't hug him IRL
Hey Ana, if you see this comment, could you please make a video on how someone could use CBT/mindfulness to overcome an entitlement mentality? I believe it's a topic you could handle with more compassion than other channels. Thanks.
I.... thanks Ana. I've heard about this disorder before but I've never contextized it to me before I heard it here.. and yeah. I guess this is something I'll bring up to my therapist next time I see her. I think I've got other things on my psychological plate than bpd but it just clicks to well that my single parent mother had it too. Got me crying rn fr fr 😂 great content as always, thanks for the interesting videos and what you do Peace
on point. I relate to al of this. Never know if you're going to be suffocated or abandoned, or if you are going to be treated like a child or a parent, angel or demon. I've always said that identity is an illusion and a human construct lol. oh wow eating disorders, awesome. Emotional blackmail! so exhausting. Definitely not comfortable with people helping me. Luckily I am not one of the children who inherited BPD, but I'm also not emotionally well. Is there treatment specifically for children of BPD parents?
Thanks, this video was insightful! Do you know much about CPTSD? I heard there is some overlap with BPD. I know it’s not in the DSM, but it is considered a diagnosis on the ICD
In the beginning she says she sees comments of those who have bpd but don’t hurt anyone, lol every bpd i know always thinks they hurt no one. If you got bpd get help trust me
As someone who grew up with a BPD parent, I agree with you. When BPDers use that "fairytale" it is just another way they gaslight you. They dare to use that collectively against a bunch of people who are victims of BPDers. So nasty 🤬
Hi, if you see this Ana you should do a video on relationships after they've ended. As someone recently out of a divorce, I've personally been struggling to move on, and I'd love to see your take on the subject!
I don't really know what to say. I got the diagnosis of Borderline some years ago but I don't feel that it really fits me. Your description of the effects of growing up with an untreated parent with Borderline feels much more accurate, though. Just, thank you. I feel like I have a way to express what I feel about it now.
dude you think you can make a podcast or somewhere we can get just audio access instead of having to open spotify. you're doing a really good job i learn a lot from your videos
I got to a point where I came to the conclusion that it didn't matter what I did, because a certain person would be angry at me anyway, meaning I could actually do whatever I wanted. This was very freeing and also quite comical when certain people in your life realises you're not scared of their emotions any more, and can just choose to, you know, actually abandon them FOR REAL if they don't better themselves. The situation is not perfect, but it's so much better between me and this person nowadays.
I think I have tendencies but since I moved away from home and live with my more emotionally stable husband, I’ve calmed down. But every time I talk to my family, I get really triggered
Hey, Ana! Great video as always. Thank you very much, I appreciate your channel. It has helped me to better many aspects of myself and my life. About the same topic... could you make a video on techniques and how to support someone with BPD but struggles to treat it? Please, that would be really helpful.
I am SO excited to announce that I've launched a 4+ hour relationship skills course: psychologywithdrana.learnworlds.com/course/the-connection-course
For those of you who like videos such as this one and want more, definitely check it out :)
The start of the video is somewhat strange. Just asking to confirm that you aren't trying to convey that the problems between mother and child start with some abnormality of the baby?
😊😊
@@AnaPsychology thank you!! I'm super excited to watch!
Truthfully at this point I have no empathy for my BPD parent. I went through too much. Imagine being a child dependent on an adult who is almost always angry or falling apart. It has had a lasting effect on me and I don’t even like to think about it. Tonight is the first night I actually looked this up on TH-cam because it’s not something I like to think about.
Same, you aren't alone in your suffering. I wish you the best.
" Truthfully at this point I have no empathy for my BPD parent.." That makes two of us, for I too had a BPD parent and my childhood upbringing was a sheer living hell.
As someone with BPD.I would never have children ! Treated or not, BPD is too serious of an illness to subject a child to.
@@SabrinaSilverstein This is a very sincere thank you from me, a survivor who had a BPD Mother...I truly respect your wise decision.
Your comments make me feel like im not alone in this. It’s heartbreaking.
You completely described my mom (now deceased). She made my childhood a nightmare with her manipulation, emotional outbursts and abuse. From a young age, I dissociated myself from her, which caused her to latch on and lash out even more. She eventually went to therapy, which only made things worse. I grew up lacking social skills and with no friends because of the overall neglect from divorced and absent parents - and being an introvert certainly didn't help. Took me a while to catch up on these skills. I have learned a great deal from my parents about what NOT to do with my own daughter, and I am happy to say we have a very healthy, fullfilling relationship, and soon I will be celebrating my 15th wedding anniversary. I am proof that you don't have to be like your parents, if you don't want to.
You just described what I feel, so similar
Just imagine what your BPD parent went through with her disorder and what she may have dealt with from her parents. I'm sure her life wasn't a bed of roses either. It's not fair to anyone involved.
@@truthseeker3376that is the WRONG thing to say to a person trying to heal from a personality disordered abuser. They cop a lifetime of feeling they should forgive the abuser because of the abuser's past, plus the abuser manipulates and guilty them constantly. The right thing to do is validate people, and eventually they may come to forgiveness in their own time, but even then that doesn't mean they should have the person in their life.
Let me guess, she convinced the therapist of her reality and got validation for her distortions.
@@truthseeker3376wrong
"genetics loads the gun, and environment pulls the trigger." -Dr. Francis Collins
the good thing is if you are self aware enough you can usually break the cycle; if you do plan on having kids or just want to be a better person.
Lol why would I want kids and continue the cycle since it's genetical and not only environmental
Me and my twin brother grew up with and absent father and a borderline mother. Our grandmother was the person that actually raised us for a period of time. And yes, the greatest fear of being a son of someone with borderline was the sensation that we didn't know how if my mother was in the "good" or "bad" state. As a result, home = dangerous. That's why we don't talk anymore with my mother. It's sad, but we couldn't build something for us with stability.
I feel you. Grandparents in those situations are so important!
Wow, your situation is the exact same as mine. I didn’t grow up with my father and my mother’s personality is like this, it’s very difficult to reason with her and oftentimes contradicts herself in her behavior. My grandma is the one that actually raised me and the one I feel more affection to.
That’s the worst, never knowing. Lived with my mom, distant family wasn’t around, got good at just knowing exactly what was going on in her head by her speaking or body language so I could know before a blow up happened.
Snap with the parents and grandma
I feel u now that my grand ma is no more and being 20 I still feel like a little girl sometimes. I'm trying my best to heal myself but I feel sad and tired.
Being raised by a bpd mom and codependent dad with a malignant narc older sister nearly destroyed my life.
Umm can we be friends? 😅😊
You described my childhood to a t
I was a co dependent dad for awhile.
Same same same! But narc older brother. I was the scapegoat
I have BPD+BIPOLAR 2. Same as my mum. My life has always been absolute hell. It's a miracle I'm still alive. I refuse to bring children into this mess and do to them what my mum did to me. I'm in my third year of therapy and just starting to feel stable and overall better. I'll keep going until I'm in full remission. I wish my mum got treated too. At this point I know she'll never want to change or even accept it. I'm in low contact with her and I'm scared in the future I'll have to go full on no contact to preserve myself and keep healing.
good for you u girl. you should feel absolutely proud of yourself for stopping the cycle with you and for your personal peace of mind. you deserve the highest praise!
I grew up with potentionaly borderline mother (never diagnosed but she meets all the criteria) and it fucked me up so good I have grown to avoid close interactions with others, if your own parent can treat you like shit, you dont trust anyone
I got into an argument with my mom because i was trying to set healthy boundaries with her.She was being nasty to me for sticking up for myself.I found myself so upset that i had to check myself into a hospital for a few days. It seems the universe led me here. This video gave me so much comfort and validation. I feel its definitely ok for me to take a break from her to focus on healing and self care. Thank you!
I am literally crying, I’ve got my BPD from my father and I’m set on ending this awful illness for myself before having kids
having kids is overrated, break the cycle.
BPD might be hard to fully end, might be better to not have kids, or have them with a relatively large and close family in such a manner that there is always at least three different people there for them
@@theimpulsivevulcan5346 what if they want to have kids
@@ahdorbfidks Unless the symptoms are completely in remission, I don't think it would be right to subject a child to that kind of insecure attachment. I suggest adoption.
Hope you make it
Interesting you mentioned jealousy of the child spending time with friends or even a romantic partner once they're old enough to date but didn't once mention jealousy of the other parent, but I imagine my situation is extremely common. My mother with undiagnosed BPD (and covert narcissism too) could not handle me and my brother preferring our dad. She felt so abandoned I think.
Oh my mom would have too, but our dad dipped out so it wasn’t as much an issue. But she’s sooooo jealous and hates my friends and always wanted all my time and attention also for her.
@@Wishfull171 My dad btw left my mom when I was not yet 4 years old and my brother not yet 2 (so was 3 and he was 1 but it was like 3.75/1.75 years old lol) and he just visited a lot, once a month ish, once every 6 weeks maybe. Weekly phone calls. For 6 or so years. Then when I was 10 and my brother was 8 my mom's BPD had gotten so much worse and her abusiveness was so horrific... but my dad moved back to our state and we got to see him once a week for the weekend and my mom just really stopped being able to handle it.
@@VioletEmerald I swear when I treated I tell people once the kids are getting to an age to have their own opinions or life, it’s starts getting worse over time. It’s easy when babies are with you 100% of the time, don’t speak, do anything you say etc. but I really think a lot of triggering happens when kids have other things or people in their life, start thinking for themselves and have opinions, for me at least that’s how it was. Wasn’t perfect but once I was 10 it started getting rough then worse every single year sense. I just felt mine had no matter all love or instincts for me at all anymore after 9.
Fr she'd go full feral and scream about betrayal and being bribed bc i prefered spending time with dad. No girl ppl just generally prefer others that don't beat them up and harshly judge their every breath while talking about how great they are
omg my bpd mom was soooo jealous of my life partner when I met him. It was the most horrific time. She ruined all of the joy of this new relationship by being a terror. She finally calmed down and accepted it after 5 years at least. She still thinks I abandoned her for finding my person though
Being hypervigilant and living in a kind of survival mode has been my solution, sadly, to my parent's issues.
My dad has borderline and always refuse to seek treatment, he was also raised and abandoned by a narc/absent mother. he was always looking for her approval but at the same he hates her and all the women. He was also doing drugs and drinking so he had outburst range, mood swings , he was beating my mom and my sis and I grow up in fear and don’t remember a happy event with him.. he was often in jail and miss my bdays, Xmas .. but you know what’s the worst part? Not be able to communicate your feelings because every time he gaslight you or said things like “that’s not true, I was there when you needed and I gave plenty of money to your mother”. That’s not the truth and I know he won’t admit because he knows he wasn’t a good father at all! Now I’m 30 and changed my city and run away in Japan, he always try to send me message but I try to not reply or reply because I feel guilty, I have bipolar and taking seroquel and all my traumas ruined some relationship but now I know it wasn’t my fault . I’m trying to get better and want to do therapy and instead of run away from my trauma I want to heal. Send love to all the surviving children ❤
Sounds exactly like my mom! Only she wasn't in and out of jail. My grandma was an abusive narcissist too
parents are someone's child, so love and healing to them as well.
And now imagine you were adopted by a person with untreated BPD... Thank you so much for sharing this video!!
something that's often forgotten is that untreated BPD often comes along with addiction problems, which is further damaging for the child. and addiction on the other hand raises the risk for physical violence.
What if they didn’t have an addiction? Well, work could be one?
My Dad just told me he has been diagnosed with BPD (In his 70s!). It explains so much. I ended up being diagnosed with psychosis, depression, anxiety, OCD and PTSD. I had cut him off from me for years but can now see a path where I can show him compassion. He is getting the help he needs (DBT.)
1:35 thank you for mentioning how agonizing and insufferable having BPD is. I have BPD and have been in treatment for a couple of years now. I spend a good amount of my money on therapy, and whenever I am having a "bad BPD day" I try to minimize my contact with people in order to never treat them poorly.
It's a truly agonizing and painful mental illness to have, and most people have it as a response of trauma. I've wanted to give up on life thousands of times, but I keep waking up, working, studying and doing my best to keep going while hanging on to the hope that one day it will get better.
I try my hardest every day not to fall apart, and I'll keep fighting to get better. I refuse to make others suffer, especially my future children. This curse ends with me 🙏🏻
You described my life with my BPD mother. I seldom knew which mother I would have to deal with, but I knew her drinking usually meant the fun, happy, drunk mom. Until she passed out, then I'd have to stub out her cigarette so she wouldn't set the couch on fire, or I'd have to clean up her vomit. Later when she started using drugs I'd have to assess if she'd done too much and needed to go to the hospital. I loved school because I could escape and be a kid from 9am to 3pm. After school it was back to being my mother's parent. I suffered from anxiety so bad I had ulcers by age six and still deal with depression to this day. I never married or had children because I felt that I raise my mother and endured enough abuse all that time. Now I'm happy to live alone with my cat and dog (who get along wonderfully) and focus on all the things I never got to do as a child.
God bless you! You're such an admirable human being. That must have been so hard to manage. It's good to know you're happy now and I pray you heal from trauma 💓
You're strong. I wish u a good and fulfilling life 💗
Took the words out of my mouth thank you
I've got BPD. I am fortunate that I have had Psychotherapy to address this. I grew up with a NPD mother. Your research is very accurate Ana, Thanks for highlighting this disorder I applaud you.
Very proud of you! I wish so much my mom would cry it but she’s 55 now and still 100% against ever going. Hope it gave you peace and healing!
@@Wishfull171 Thank you Alyssa.. your kind words mean ever such a lot to me. I wish you the very best of healing and remember you are the one person who can really love you 😘❤️
This video describes my entire childhood! Now at 21 years old, I've recognized: all the emotional outboursts and rage, the instability and the fast mood swings of my father were the result of untreated BPD. As a result, I've spend most of my life isolating myself, reading and being in nature, never wanting to have a social life, even though people were approaching me. I didn't let them in. People in my perception were just really dangerous, so I've decided to avoid them althogether. Trying to heal, but don't know where to start cause my father still tries to have contact with me, I on can't stay one second in his presence without feeling angry for all the things I had to go through as a child. It's also really interesting how many of my past friends are also diagnosed with BPD. What most people find offputting, unsafe or straight up abusive...well, for me it feels ike home. Since I have gained a lot more knowlede on Borderline Personality Disorder, my childhood suddenly makes so much sense. Does anyone know where to start the healing? Much love from Germany
Same here. I just got this book: Surviving a borderline parent by Kimberlee Roth. It seems to be a good start to recovery. Also mindfulness will help you to become aware of your emotional status and to slow down your intrusive thoughts.
I have a BPD father who was violent and abusive and only recently started therapy with a psychiatrist
Dr. Ramani does incredible work, highly recommend browsing through her channel to start your process. Prepare for grief and anger prior to seeing improvements, you’ve got to flush all the hurt out before you can really start to heal. Sending you all the love, clarity and strength on this journey 🩷🌟
A lot of this resonated with me, how my mother is and how I am as a result of the traumatic childhood I had with her. But I am still confused because it's not totally the same and when I hear about narcissistic mothers/children that resonates a lot also. She had a hard childhood and was deeply traumatised and I spent most of my life just trying to make sense of the world and what happened to me, why I am so bad at functioning in society in general and especially in my relationships that are so unhealthy and heartbreaking. Only in my 30s I discovered who I am and found the courage to start trying things out that I like. To live my life like I would actually like to without guilt and shame. Now at 36 I am a totally different person but I haven't forgiven her, I understand but I have a natural aversion towards her. Like my body just knows she is not good for me. And I also sometimes can't get over the fact that I lost my youth to the deep depression I was in and I am still in mourning because the more I grow, the deeper I go in therapy the sadder the picture of this abandoned and neglected child I was becomes. I think the worst part is how lonley I have felt my entire life, it still hurts me to the core of my being and I haven't found a way to heal that (yet).
Great explanations. Wow! Saying, "No." I was never permitted to say, "No," to my mother. This inability led me into abusive relationships in which I was the caregiver. I'd been trained to follow and be compliant. OMG! Thanks for explaining this.
idk about a bpd parent, but my last relationship 2 years ago was bpd. He switched overnight and destroyed my social life. He went from the perfect partner to cruel and unstable literally overnight and the trauma I have from it still haunts me. I wish I knew how to completely heal from it but its hard to even look at other people with any sense of trust anymore
You where splitter and devalued sadly. 😮 me too. My ex wife.
My mom is def BPD and yeah I cannot maintain stable relationships due to my schemas of innate distrust of others because I internalize a lot of self hate due to inconsistent parenting. Sucks. I see why she is wired as she is because her mother treated her similarly. She could never be good enough. I love my mom dearly but I know I cannot psychologically deal with her unstable moods let alone anyone else in my family. She wrote me a long letter on Christmas how she acknowledges she wasnt the best mother and so on. Makes no difference if she isn't in therapy and even if she was, not sure how much can really be repaired at this point. Is it mean? Yeah not really sure, but I cannot afford to get caught up in magical thinking of the fantasy of having a healthy family. Sorry for the rant, you just really put a lot into perspective for me with this video.
A healthy relationship with your mother is no fantasy, a healthy relationship with your entire family... Maybe so.
I really needed to see this, thank you so much for making this video! My mother has untreated BPD and fortunately I didn't develop it myself, but I developed several other mental illnesses for which I've been in treatment for many years (they're not all associated with her, but I know it's a huge contributing factor). The part you mentioned about inconsistency and what that does to a baby, a kid, and then the child as an adult resonated so much with me. I never know what to expect from anything or anyone, I'm hypervigilant and constantly scared of unintentionally doing something to upset the people in my life because as a child I got so used to my mother going into a rage because of some little thing I did or said that I didn't even know was wrong. Looking back, those things tended to be things that I can now see her interpreting as me potentially abandoning her. I wouldn't say I'm f**ked up for life (at least I hope not), but it really did affect me in a lot of negative ways and it's hard not to resent her sometimes for putting my sister and I through that simply because she refused to get any sort of treatment.
I've seen a lot of comments from parents with BPD who are scared of negatively affecting their kids, and really, it comes down to whether you get treatment. I work in mental health care myself, I've seen lots of people who have BPD recover and be wonderful parents.
Again, I don't resent my mother for having BPD. I resent her for refusing treatment (that we easily could have afforded).
Agreed, mine also sadly refuses treatment, and I was the one who was the black sheep and also she depended on fully for emotions etc. wish she got help but have a very distant relationship now because of it. Never knew when she’d flip and go abusive for hours, made me feel responsible as an adult for everyone’s emotions and a perfectionist.
I think my mother might have had untreated BPD. Do you mind sharing some examples of the things your mom would go in a rage about for fear of abandonment? I know my mom shows a lot of these symptoms, but I’m having a hard time putting them in a context of fear of abandonment.
@@taylorcampbell4067 triangulation(setting others against you by sharing gossip or revealing your flaws) would be a way to cut off your new support or friends, that way you wouldn't abandon her.
Or saying things like, no one else would ever love you or loves you. Convincing you the world is against you.
@@taylorcampbell4067 a big indicator that separates it from other disorders (other than the fear of abandonment) is splitting. They will go from idealizing to devaluing you or someone else with in a blink of an eye. You can be the best child in the world one minute that they’re so proud of to being the worst person that disgusts them the next. I highly recommend the book Ana mentioned “Walking on Eggshells”. I feel like splitting is the biggest indicator for those of us who aren’t doctors because some of the other behaviors can be the same as other personality disorders. My grandma gave it to me when I was in middle school and it helped make sense of my mom so much! I don’t know if you use Reddit, but I just started and there’s a subreddit for people raised by someone with BPD… You might be able to distinguish from looking at the thread. It’s wild how similar the parents with untreated BPD treat us and even talk to us 😅. If your mother does have it, I highly recommend therapy if you’re not in it already and have access to it. I wish I would’ve have when I had access to it, but my trust issues were so bad I refused to open up 🤦🏼♀️
Edit: I went back to type something which is why some of the sentences aren’t in order lolz… hope it still helps :)
@@M.j.7 omg this is SO HELPFUL THANK YOUUU
I just asked this myself yesterday if there are studies on people who grew up with a parent who has BPD, how this may (negatively) affect me and what I could do against it.
Thanks for the perfect timing and probably saving me a good amount of self research time.
Hey my friend. The Therapist who created Dialectical behavioural Therapy wrote an excellent book to support family members of BPD people. I can't remember her name but I'm sure a quick Google would bring it up.
They definitely are higher risk of having BPD themselves, but also far more likely to develope other mental health issues such as anxiety disorder, substance abuse, PTSD, etc.
I had a BPD mother and she was evil and it made me BPD.
My childhood was hell and my life has been painful and mostly an isolated existence.
Finally in therapy at 53 for BPD for 3 years now and making the most progress in my life.
Yet the progress is slow and agonizing and I have tremendous anger and resentment for the abuse that I suffered at the hands of my evil BPD mother.
My sister diagnosed herself she matches it perfectly. Refuses to get help though I was her punching bag until she moved out when I was 24 what a weight was lifted. She gave me thick skin. The way she hurt me I’ve never met anyone else that could do that.
Same! But my mom, honestly someone could curse me out or say the deepest cutting stuff and I can handle it, but messed up why we develope that power. I left home at 17, but still some years to set boundaries and cut it off. I hope you have other good family who loves and cares for you. I tell people she was my life’s greatest bully and abuser, I don’t think anyone could do anything to top that.
@@Wishfull171 same to you. It’s very hard to deal with but I wish her the best and hope she gets help
This hit a little too close to home. I grew up with a dad who was a alcoholic and had/still has untreated Bpd. It’s definitely still affecting me now 😕
Unfortunately I have a very hard time getting behind “dropping the stigma” on people with BPD. My Mother gaslighted almost the entire extended family except for my brother into thinking we (my brother and I) were emotionally abusive towards her, which had terrifying effects for my social life. While I do have very, very close friends with BPD whom I love deeply but I also often witness cases of BPD parents getting extremely violent and abusive(like publicly kicking a 6 y/o out of their house in winter with nothing but their underwear on, etc.). There are innocent people suffering under their abusers and there will never be an excuse for it, mental instability or not.
It’s okay to have negative emotions, It’s okay to have a fight sometimes because you feel abandoned and it’s okay to be helped by the people around you because you can’t handle the stress your illness has given you currently. However, abusing your loved ones doesn’t make you a BPD- survivor, it makes you into a perpetrator of violence and it should be punished as that.
I completely agree. Everyone has their shit but that not an excuse to terrorize others.
@@ccurlyfriezwannaspritecran1682 facts
The children of BPD parents are the real survivors.
Yes. And the BPD message board slash chat room threw me off the board in the late 2000s for simply telling the truth about my mother and trying to even be humorous
My mom recently shared that she suspects my father might have BPD. I grew up believing he was a narcissist, so her perspective left me feeling a bit puzzled. After hearing this, I decided to do some research and came across your video. I can’t thank you enough-it truly opened my eyes to my own experiences. I’ve carried guilt and fear with me my entire life, and now I finally understand why
My father has BPD he has broke my heart so many times and he absolutely destroyed me :(
I was recently diagnosed with BPD aswell and it's very scary because I don't want to be like him it's terrifying because I'm finding myself engaging in these behaviors I take double my prescribed dose of anti-psychotics just so I won't lose control of my emotions and hurt people like he did.
I rather be a braindead zombie my whole life then do what he did to me to others.
Thank you so much for this video. I have a BPD parent, an NPD parent and BPD sibling, and this is a godsend. I suspect I have taken at least some BPD traits as survival. Lots of anxiety around relationships has left me desperate for answers. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
The first borderline personality disordered person in my life was my father. Thankfully my mother was not personality disordered. She was a bit of a doormat however. And my dad also was comorbid with narcissistic personality disorder. Ended up with three personality disordered siblings all cluster B. Absolutely the hyper-vigilance, the what mood is he going to be in this particular minute, questions always ran through my mind when I knew that my father was about to enter the house. My hyper-vigilance included the ability to perceive his hand on the doorknob on the back door from upstairs in a room far from the back door. He made me the scapegoat. He died when I was 11. My mother protected me from the scapegoat role. But as soon as she was close to death my surviving siblings put me right back in that scapegoat role and that's why I've been no contact with all of them for about 12 years. Best decision I ever made!
What a story! Like a movie, thank you for sharing ❤️
This is such of a good & concise video about what it can be like to grow up with a BPD parent. It can be so confusing to grow up in it. The more I learn about it, the more I wish my family member would be open to going to therapy. They're not all bad, they just were dealt a bad hand in their life, and could get better with assistance.
I just recently discovered your channel and it helped me in ways I cannot word out. Thank you, Ana!
Outstanding lecture. Have you considered going the teaching route in your field?
By today's standards, it seems most parents, from a couple of generations ago, would be considered seriously neglectful in the area of emotional development of their children.
Honestly, yes. I have been thinking about this lately.
All the stories from older people in my life really boil down to all of them being neglected as a kid and they do not even realise it .
I guess it's hard to come in terms with things like this and admit that you were hurt by the ones who were supposed to take care of you.
In the past there was more community effort in raising and meeting the needs of children also family's were bigger and more siblings means more support options for a child also grandparents nearly always lived with a relitives family and helped in child rearing
Long story short in the past parents could afford to give child less attention because closer communitys and family's filled in emotional need
Yes parents would be more neglectful but they would also be elders in thr family, grandparents, uncles and aunts, cousins and siblings that fulfill the emotional needs.
This is spot on. Can never let others to take care of me as I always believe I’m a provider/ care giver to others especially to my mother.
I haven’t studied BPD or read extensively about it, but it sounds like what was stated was a very comprehensive explanation on some of the origins, traits and responses a person with BPD has with their family or close people in their environment. Thanks
I love your presentation of psychological knowledge. Your vibe is so not didactic but still authoritative, and you have such a wholesome and sensitive energy. I reckon you're going to be star.
this was so validating.
Thank you, this was really helpful. I like that you show clips of the research papers.
I'm so confused about what's happening with me and how it all came about. My childhood was never stable for long and then when it finally was as a teenager, living with my grumpy, negative, and critical Grandfather caused me to have this negative voice in my head. More than anything I just want to have a sense of stability.
Thank you for this clarity..🙏 What a wonderful talk. Yes I experienced triangulation and parentification.
my mother (at 70) is undiagnosed...a true BPD. But I did not develop a fear of abandonment,.. I grew up avoidant. Then did 20 years of working on myself. Since I had to raise myself and avoided her ever blaming or lying twist on reality. At 15 I checked out of caring. I care, but from a strong boundary and distance.
I wish she would heal... and seek help. I am going to watch this video two or three times.❣❣
This was a great video! I wish I had heard it 20 years ago. And I fully appreciate that we don't want to stigmatize sufferers of BPD. But we also need to consider the huge number of people who are in those families, were raised by, taught by, work with, had relationships or are friends with people who have BPD. It is completely unfair to use "don't stigmatize" to = "the rest of you shut up about the astonishing amount of abuse and suffering you have endured at the hands of people with BPD". I commend and respect anyone with BPD who is actively working on making their lives better, especially since so many never do, much less even acknowledge that there is an issue. But doing the math, there are far more people without BPD who have been affected by it who need help and could use a therapeutic process. This would be a huge and greatly welcomed movement, yet all of us seem to get left out of the conversation, or shamed into silence.
Oh... This video is an eye-opener, I'll talk to my therapist about this.
Thank you
Please do more episodes on BPD. We WILL beat this illness!
In this generation with all the education we have it is completely inexcusable for anyone with mental health problems to not get help BEFORE having a child. I forgive my mother but I am definitely breaking the cycle and getting therapy. We all need to take responsibility and we can’t change the past. I will say though growing up with a mother like this I wish I was taken away or adopted. It was horrific growing up with this and the isolation 😢
This is so true. And thank you for the validation. It is helping to undo the gaslighting that comes with being raised by BPD parents. I do think it’s important to differentiate from BPD versus borderline tendencies (mainly the lack of insight). I think children learn from their parents regarding reactions to situations. That seems more the latter than a true lack of insight.
omg i just discovered your channel and this is uploaded it feels heaven sent, thank youuu not a lot of people talk about this
This is the second time I have watched this. So many things you touch on are spot on in my experience. I’m so happy that this topic has become more understood.
This is the best video I've seen so far that goes into such accurate detail about this situation. I hope you keep making videos related to this topic, it really gave me a lot of support especially since I was having a particularly difficult day dealing with a very relevant case.
We would get ignored and cold shouldered so we would keep repeating “mom” over and over again like Stewy from Family Guy. War of attrition, wall of silence. No diagnosis tho.
I have bpd and want a family of my own and kids so much. To care and to be loved. However, having grown with a mother and a grandmother with bpd and learning about the consequences of being parented by a bpd person points at such a choice being unethical.
I like your presentations very much. The material you present is top quality and the empathy you convey is healing it itself. You are already very successful in your career. Your videos have re-kindled an interest for me. Thank you
i have bpd that ive been treating for around 5 years now (it is way better tho ik its still very much a challenge) and i grew up with very traumatised mentally ill parents who never got treatment nor believe they need it. i definitely see the ways in which my mum acts that match very well with bpd and i think that was definitely a massive reason why i also developed it. i am a bit scared sometimes when i see the similarities between me and her but i also know that the most important thing is that i am working on mine and trying not to make it other people’s issue and i should be proud of that. still i do wish sometimes that she could get help but i know that is never going to happen at this point
My mom 🙏❤️🙏 love you Mom, I am glad we now know how to work with you through your challenges. Thank you Ana
It was rough stuff but my mom had to find a way to be strong in a hard world. She might be a pain in the butt and a lil psycho, but she has a really big heart. Boundaries help but holy moly it be rough sometimes!
The jealous situation is what I’m in.
I married the love of my life, and my mom resides with us due to her life situation. She’s a felon and ex addict. She literally can’t find a place of her own. I can just feel the venom oozing out of her around my wife. I feel like I’m trapped in a sense.
" She literally can’t find a place of her own." She don't WANT TO FIND a place on her own. If you believe that BPDs and NPDs do everything they can, you are fooling yourself. They are pretty cool with you doing everything for them.
Can you afford to put her in assisted living?
Wow didn’t know this was a thing and you just described my entire upbringing and most of my adolescence lol. I understand some of my tendencies now . Thank you 🙏
Hi Ana, I don't know if you take suggestion, but I would love if you could make a video about anxiety and decision taking. I have a lot of trouble when I have to make a decision, even when it is a small one, I always find compelling reasons for A and B which make me super insecure.
This was amazing having this topic explained so eloquently.
My father was a narcissist and my mother has a BPD.
This has caused me trauma leading to devastating consequences in my life.
I'm still trying to work through this at the age of 52.
Start the work by stopping telling yourself shit like this: "leading to devastating consequences in my life."
My mother had untreated BPD. This video was eerily accurate and incredibly validating. Thank you.
I wish there were books for kids/adolescents on how to cope and start recovery when they have BPD NOD parents. Some kids are ready for understanding early.
So, what are we to do to recover as adult children of borderline parents? How do we recover from that hellhole of a childhood?
Therapy, 12 step groups like codependents anonymous or adult children of alcoholics, and awareness have helped me the most.
God... this was my answer. Not religion and rules. Just God and me. Without Him I would have killed myself
This is hitting home very, very hard with regards to my mother.
My father left the world when i was quite young, so i was taken care of by my mother, even before the demise of my dad she had a borderline personality and after that it only got worse, at some points i didn't want to return home and run away, things remained like that until 20 years of my age but now when i have moved out from the home I'm gradually trying to improve the relationship, because I'm still grateful to her for the things she has done for me, but i can't forget the things i have suffered from, realising that she was agony too and maybe she wasn't able to control it, that is how I cope with it, and try to move on and improve the relationship.
For the perspective, I got beaten up to hell and back for not scoring 20/20 on a test, my score was 19/20 💀
This is just one of many
Btw I'm glad i didn't develop any trauma or disorders considering how messed up childhood and teenage i had 💀
I guess I'm built different 😂 or I'm just like my dad he was also an exception in his family tree, He is someone i love the most, it's really unfortunate i can't hug him IRL
I wish I saw this growing up; it would have given me more information when dealing with my parent.
Thank you very much for this video. It's very informative and helpful. I have a mother with BPD and Narcissism and father with narcissism.
a question to the paper, in case you remember: how did they recruit the group with mothers with BPD, if they were talking about untreated BPD?
I'm curious about this as well. How did they know about these young young children especially; infants...
You can be diagnosed without being treated? Not all people can access treatment.
Your video is fantastically phenomenally magnificent consisting of superlative superbness and excellence
Excellent video. Thank you for compiling these sources and making them concise and easy to understand. You are appreciated!
Hey Ana, if you see this comment, could you please make a video on how someone could use CBT/mindfulness to overcome an entitlement mentality? I believe it's a topic you could handle with more compassion than other channels. Thanks.
This speaks to my soul…
I.... thanks Ana. I've heard about this disorder before but I've never contextized it to me before I heard it here.. and yeah. I guess this is something I'll bring up to my therapist next time I see her. I think I've got other things on my psychological plate than bpd but it just clicks to well that my single parent mother had it too. Got me crying rn fr fr 😂 great content as always, thanks for the interesting videos and what you do
Peace
on point. I relate to al of this. Never know if you're going to be suffocated or abandoned, or if you are going to be treated like a child or a parent, angel or demon. I've always said that identity is an illusion and a human construct lol. oh wow eating disorders, awesome. Emotional blackmail! so exhausting. Definitely not comfortable with people helping me. Luckily I am not one of the children who inherited BPD, but I'm also not emotionally well. Is there treatment specifically for children of BPD parents?
Thank you Ana this really helps¡ you're very kind sharing this with us🙌 much love😽
Thanks, this video was insightful! Do you know much about CPTSD? I heard there is some overlap with BPD. I know it’s not in the DSM, but it is considered a diagnosis on the ICD
This is so on point. I grew up with 2 generations.
In the beginning she says she sees comments of those who have bpd but don’t hurt anyone, lol every bpd i know always thinks they hurt no one. If you got bpd get help trust me
As someone who grew up with a BPD parent, I agree with you. When BPDers use that "fairytale" it is just another way they gaslight you. They dare to use that collectively against a bunch of people who are victims of BPDers. So nasty 🤬
One Day you will be a successful Doctor ! Keep Practicing!
Hi, if you see this Ana you should do a video on relationships after they've ended. As someone recently out of a divorce, I've personally been struggling to move on, and I'd love to see your take on the subject!
I don't really know what to say. I got the diagnosis of Borderline some years ago but I don't feel that it really fits me. Your description of the effects of growing up with an untreated parent with Borderline feels much more accurate, though. Just, thank you. I feel like I have a way to express what I feel about it now.
An excellent presentation. Spot on.
I think i was able to relate to alot that was said in this video, from childhood to now. thanks for the vids.
dude you think you can make a podcast or somewhere we can get just audio access instead of having to open spotify. you're doing a really good job i learn a lot from your videos
I got to a point where I came to the conclusion that it didn't matter what I did, because a certain person would be angry at me anyway, meaning I could actually do whatever I wanted. This was very freeing and also quite comical when certain people in your life realises you're not scared of their emotions any more, and can just choose to, you know, actually abandon them FOR REAL if they don't better themselves.
The situation is not perfect, but it's so much better between me and this person nowadays.
Really respect the nuanced and evidence-based work you do
Thank you so much Ana!
I enjoy your show a lot no matter the topic.
you're really nice to listen to
Thank you so much for this topic!
Thank you for making this video.
I think I have tendencies but since I moved away from home and live with my more emotionally stable husband, I’ve calmed down. But every time I talk to my family, I get really triggered
I don't know what personality disorders my parents had but I definitely have spent my life walking on eggshells
Your vidoes are always great!! I would love to hear your thoughts on emotional I... as it's something I myself am trying to work through
Thank you for the upload!
i feel heard now, thank you
Hey, Ana! Great video as always. Thank you very much, I appreciate your channel. It has helped me to better many aspects of myself and my life.
About the same topic... could you make a video on techniques and how to support someone with BPD but struggles to treat it? Please, that would be really helpful.
Hi Ana, I'd be really interested in a video about emotional incest. I've heard and am curious to know more. That's a great video as ever. Thank you !
Very Good description !