The right therapist is very important. We had one therapist who caused additional trauma. A year later we went to a second therapist. I interviewed her, and even though she was a marriage therapist, she didn't see betrayal as trauma. I didn't go back after that session. 1 years later and we're still not doing couples therapy. My partner is just not playing a long. It's sad, and I don't know what more to try. He wants the relationship, but he's not willing to do the work. He's avoidant, and prefers to just shove everything under the rug. We're both in individual therapy, which we both find helpfull, but I don't know when we'll ever be ready for couple work.
So sorry to hear that. We love that you are advocating for yourself and putting in the work with your own individual counseling. Please feel free to reach out to us if you guys want additional support. www.livelifeunplugged.org/contact
Without honesty, I don’t believe a GOOD marriage can stand the test of time. When one person gaslights the therapist, the betrayed one is seen as the crazy one. It took me over a year to find a therapist who could help me start healing from a therapist who traumatized me from the couple’s counseling. In hindsight, this therapist was not trained in addiction. My ex husband was able to convince and continue to lie to the therapist. After 6 long years of trying to make our relationship work, divorce has been the best decision made. I’m in a healthier, calmer and happier place after 39 years of marriage.
My husband and I have a Christian couple mentoring us. They’ve counseled us as a couple a couple of times. They are not specifically trained in pornography addiction, betrayal trauma or emotional abuse/neglect. We had a dday 4 months ago, with my husband’s 30 year pornography addiction come to light. He’s still very emotionally immature and defensive, blame shifts, gaslights, etc. I still haven’t had a full disclosure (we’ve been together 21 years). I left the last session with them in tears. I was told a disclosure isn’t necessary and looking back won’t solve anything, and just to lay it at the cross. I was also told in front of my husband that I have control issues. Oh boy, did he sure RUN with that one!! I cried a good portion of the session, while he received all the accolades, for all the *work* he has been doing, my trauma was completely ignored. I left feeling much worse and more confused about the situation. Then he triangulated them into his argument, regarding my boundaries, to back up that I am “controlling”. Lord please help me as I navigate through this mess 😩
That is extremely painful. We are so sorry to hear that you experienced that. Please feel free to reach out to us if you need help or for someone to come alongside you. www.livelifeunplugged.org/contact
I am a Christian, married 40years, and I hear you… One of my hardest lessons was realizing there was no “help” for me, my husband or our marriage IN the “church.” No qualified, capable or confidence could be offered where none existed. I asked one elder what he would do if “I” were his daughter, or his sister… he said, “well that would be different!” I was stunned, and deeply saddened. The truth is, only Christ in the center of a soul genuinely can want, or receive, or offer any godly relational help. But God is our help… and our present help. He will never leave you or forsake you. I know personally how hard it is to walk this path… but if you truly have received “a love of the Truth” and want whatever God wants for you and from you, you WILL receive help that will bring both wholeness and holiness to your soul. May the LORD be the light by which you travel. A helper has to do their own work… and we ALL need to do that. No one is beyond self-awareness and self examination.. A “helper” cannot be someone who ignores or suppresses that work in their own HEART, and HOME. They need to clean their own “mirror” before they can have any capacity to help reflect truth in order to help others in the household of faith.
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The right therapist is very important. We had one therapist who caused additional trauma. A year later we went to a second therapist. I interviewed her, and even though she was a marriage therapist, she didn't see betrayal as trauma. I didn't go back after that session. 1 years later and we're still not doing couples therapy. My partner is just not playing a long. It's sad, and I don't know what more to try. He wants the relationship, but he's not willing to do the work. He's avoidant, and prefers to just shove everything under the rug. We're both in individual therapy, which we both find helpfull, but I don't know when we'll ever be ready for couple work.
So sorry to hear that. We love that you are advocating for yourself and putting in the work with your own individual counseling. Please feel free to reach out to us if you guys want additional support. www.livelifeunplugged.org/contact
Without honesty, I don’t believe a GOOD marriage can stand the test of time. When one person gaslights the therapist, the betrayed one is seen as the crazy one. It took me over a year to find a therapist who could help me start healing from a therapist who traumatized me from the couple’s counseling. In hindsight, this therapist was not trained in addiction. My ex husband was able to convince and continue to lie to the therapist. After 6 long years of trying to make our relationship work, divorce has been the best decision made. I’m in a healthier, calmer and happier place after 39 years of marriage.
My husband and I have a Christian couple mentoring us. They’ve counseled us as a couple a couple of times. They are not specifically trained in pornography addiction, betrayal trauma or emotional abuse/neglect. We had a dday 4 months ago, with my husband’s 30 year pornography addiction come to light. He’s still very emotionally immature and defensive, blame shifts, gaslights, etc. I still haven’t had a full disclosure (we’ve been together 21 years). I left the last session with them in tears. I was told a disclosure isn’t necessary and looking back won’t solve anything, and just to lay it at the cross. I was also told in front of my husband that I have control issues. Oh boy, did he sure RUN with that one!! I cried a good portion of the session, while he received all the accolades, for all the *work* he has been doing, my trauma was completely ignored. I left feeling much worse and more confused about the situation. Then he triangulated them into his argument, regarding my boundaries, to back up that I am “controlling”. Lord please help me as I navigate through this mess 😩
That is extremely painful. We are so sorry to hear that you experienced that. Please feel free to reach out to us if you need help or for someone to come alongside you. www.livelifeunplugged.org/contact
I am a Christian, married 40years, and I hear you…
One of my hardest lessons was realizing there was no “help” for me, my husband or our marriage IN the “church.” No qualified, capable or confidence could be offered where none existed. I asked one elder what he would do if “I” were his daughter, or his sister… he said, “well that would be different!” I was stunned, and deeply saddened. The truth is, only Christ in the center of a soul genuinely can want, or receive, or offer any godly relational help. But God is our help… and our present help. He will never leave you or forsake you. I know personally how hard it is to walk this path… but if you truly have received “a love of the Truth” and want whatever God wants for you and from you, you WILL receive help that will bring both wholeness and holiness to your soul.
May the LORD be the light by which you travel.
A helper has to do their own work… and we ALL need to do that. No one is beyond self-awareness and self examination.. A “helper” cannot be someone who ignores or suppresses that work in their own HEART, and HOME. They need to clean their own “mirror” before they can have any capacity to help reflect truth in order to help others in the household of faith.