Leading Therapist Calls Out Why Our Relationships Suck (with Terry Real)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 9 ก.ย. 2024
- Today, Dr. John Delony is joined by leading family therapist and author Terry Real. The two discuss why marriage and romantic relationships are so hard, the toxic culture of individualism, and whether a couple’s therapist should take sides. You don’t want to miss this!
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I've followed Terry for years and I leave my favorite quote in many many places I comment.
“Family dysfunction rolls down from generation to generation, like a fire in the woods, taking down everything in its path until one person in one generation has the courage to turn and face the flames. That person brings peace to their ancestors and spares the children that follow.” - T Real
I learned how to fight fires because of Terry Real. Thank you for this. I Love you Terry... even though I don't know you. I owe you more than you will ever know. 🔥
Women have been forced out of the patriarchal model, but men still comfortably sit in it while not realizing that they aren’t even performing to those basic standards. It’s very rare that a man can be the sole breadwinner. So if women make our own money AND if men don’t give us any emotions, they’re not worth a relationship. I’d rather have good girlfriends than a drag of a partner.
There’s no such thing as a patriarchy in modern America. Men are beaten down by every major institution, media source, Hollywood, etc. Women are praised for merely existing. T-shirts for little girls cheer on “girl power” while those for little boys are about wanting to be lazy. There are more women graduating college than men. Men are told they are toxic all while they have a much higher suicide rate. So-called patriarchy is just what women use to play a victim card, because victimhood is currency these days. But it’s hooey. And yes, I’m a woman.
We all get what we want from life. And thank God, you'll be getting yours.
@@hasensaurus😢
So true! Today’s woman wants more emotional support rather than financial support because women are more financially sufficient but need life-long partnerships. And today’s men want to be needed but at the same time have created technologies that fuel self-sufficiency and individualism. It’s the paradox of modernity and neither men or women are satisfied with the status quo. Lord help us all!
Agree, but part of women's financial self sufficiency is based on alimony, government programs, "white knight" second husbands, high credit card debt, "foodie" dates paid by hopeful Betas, and Only Fans type "sponsorship".
Honestly the solution is having men grow more as Fathers and husbands. Learn that there are different ways to 'provide' and be a rock for their family. Women and children need men in their lives. We need our Fathers, our brothers, our sons and are partners. Emphasis on partner.
Of course men aren't the only problems because some women don't value the good men in their lives and only think of men as the old way of just bringing in money. Some women can be very selfish and this harms their children as well.
I think the internet (mainly social media) has played a major role in ppls inability to be around others and be social.
I read a couple of Real's books in 2019 when I was in a relationship that wasn't going to go anywhere but I wanted to prove to myself that I had done everything right/had known what to do in relationship, had done everything I could do to make this work if it was going to. And what I learned to add to what I had already been doing has been helpful ever since. Just while listening to this, I put a quote of his on social media.
I am fortunate to have learned many of these relationship skills starting very young, but my parents, while teaching them to their kids very well and making sure we had access to the right resources to learn them, didn't know or use them so well themselves, so I learned just as much by watching them struggle and not be able to figure things out...Terry's material is a continuation of what I was given so young, and I think Terry has been such a great bridge between "the Christian authors who knew what they were talking about in the 60s and 70s but the U.S. was a little different then" and "the 21st century when everyone knows the state of the world but people haven't been willing to bring much of what the experts of 50 years ago knew into that world," so that he even more empathy than someone my grandpa's age can these days, with how things are these days...but he really knows how to word and cloak the fundamental classic working wisdom in the terms and worldview that are being used now. I'm glad he has a new book coming, and I'll see about finding it when it's out. Thanks John!
Bless your work🙏💗....No therapist wld call my ex-husbands abuse out...it made it so much more painful 😢...It took me deciding years ago enough is enough....it took self respect, boundaries and skills
This episode content is EXCELLENT, thank you 🙏🏼 as a psychology student and a fairly sensitive man, I've wrestled with this dynamic of women expecting a tough man all the time, who can handle anything, yet also women expecting a man to share their feelings. When I do that and am vulnerable, it often backfires, and the evidence that many women really don't respond to a vulnerable guy, rather he's put in the friend zone. And playing that tough guy role all the time, I cant do that because I'm not being authentic. So I'm oscillating between authentic self and who the world responds to me being, in terms of the dating world.
Thank you For Delony for helping bring authenticity to our lives 🙏🏼
Women absolutely need to change their need for a total tough guy. It’s not a fair expectation. I had that too. There is a balance. Don’t stop being authentic, and keep seeking ways to find some authentic masculine traits that work for you- maybe grit and determination. I’m sure you have some, you just haven’t realized it.
Keep being yourself 🤗 the right person will be attracted to who you are. The sensitivity, authenticity, and openness is what drew me to and is what I love about my husband.
It seems you don’t understand standing up for your own authenticity and truth as the most important thing IS what is attractive. Waffling around based on what someone else may think is what is not attractive.
Be YOURSELF thats the answer. and Some woman will love that about you.
I love that you had Terry Real on the show. This is the best episode I have watched from this channel. Thank you for bringing him on! 🙏🏼
Great interview! Congrats on 100k! Your show is an inspiration to me every single day to take control of my thoughts and actions!
Just start at 3:50
Thanks! 😄
Thx Terry … thank god for pioneers like you. Please do not stop speaking. 60 and would love to be connected and more lonely from control issues
Wow, this is the first time I listened to Terry Real and he is awesome! Thanks for this episode!
I LOVE a whole series of this pair just talking about therapy!! 🙏🏼🙏🏼
Big congratulations to the 100 subscribers!!! 🔥🔥🎂🔥🔥
Been listening to the audiobook for “I Don’t Want to Talk About It”. After listening to Terry, I wish he would have read the book himself, but the content is still eye opening at the very least.
This was a beautiful conversation. Thank you 🙏🏼🤍
Am sure glad to have found Dr. Deloney's show - what a great resource!! Thanks Dr. Deloney 😀
This was incredible!
Thank you for this episode 👍
So much of this is common sense. If people are struggling with these basic relationship skills, there is trouble brewing.
Well. You are lucky and privileged, if making friends is just plain common sense to you
The “pet families” are the MOST important for some of us.
Is he serious? “Nobody beat each other, nobody cheated on each other, nobody drank too much?” Yes they did! These rose colored glasses for older generations is a false narrative
I love my solitary life, so I kinda disagree with this, though I can agree these perceptions are for the majority of people.
I think it is meant for those who aren't
What a wonderful interview! It helped me so much!
Women definitely contribute to men not being able to be vulnerable.
I was sliding through the video when Terry cried "you are asshole!" first I thought he was yelling at John. Second I thought he was yelling at me.
I'm going to call b******* on nobody beat each other and nobody argued they just didn't talk about it there's been abuse alcoholism addiction pedophilia molestation going on for centuries people just didn't talk about it like they do now
I interpreted that statement differently. He was saying that was the standard for a happy marriage in that era. As long as nobody was abusive or an addict the marriage was considered successful. Divorce was not an option, and when it started to be an option they better have a damn good reason, like severe abuse. People did not necessarily marry for love, they stayed together when they fell out of love, they didn't date for long or live together as often before marriage. He is saying society is changing because we are becoming dependent on each other in different ways than we used to. Women and men had different expectations of each other to consider it a happy healthy marriage decades ago than they do now.
@@halfmoonyogi4997 I still disagree as well. The history is full of abuse and cruelty. We have just evolved enough that women are actually able to leave.
Thank you for sharing this message, life changer for me. ❤️
I'm glad you asked another professional about the yelling. I agree with the guy more. I'm not an extreme person, so the extreme answer to the yelling did not fit well in my heart.
But depends on the reasoning of the yelling, that makes more sense.
Great stuff!
So good!!
This was awesome
I am 60ish and had trauma in early grade school regarding anatomy which still affects how I relate around other people.
I admit, I’m so sensitive to the word patriarchy. I don’t want to be construed as a person who is against men. I’m absolutely rooting for them to understand how to better themselves and relationships. They deserve more than what they allow themselves to. So if that’s the patriarchy, then yeah, they probably need to find some more tools elsewhere.
Patriarchy doesn’t equal men. It equals a system that is killing all of us including men.
I’m trying to. It’s hard to want that when my Dad cheated on my Mom throughout their marriage and seeing my mom heart broken makes me want nothing good for them. Makes also never want a relationship with a man. I’m asking God to heal the bitterness in my heart
In America their is NO LEGAL PATRIARCHY, in a true Patriarchy the children belong to the Father and in a divorce he get full custody. In America children belong to State first then Mothers has more rights to children than the father.
@@captainsisko7629 legal patriarchy is one thing but the mental patriarchy is sometimes worse. I was reading about this fundamentalist group. The man was in jail but he was still contacting and controlling all of the women he had trafficked. He told his daughter he would give her a child himself. That's an extreme version but many Churches still teach that wives must submit to their husbands. That men are supposed to be the leader and woman the follower. Not that they are equal partners and one flesh before the lord. They ignore the part where it say men are supposed to submit themselves to their wife as well.
As for the law. While some men get screwed. In truth a lot of men need to be forced to pay for their children at all. The state rarely fully restricts child visitation unless abuse is involved but man do fight to see their kids at all. Most often the woman is abandoned to do most of the child raising on her own. That's half of the current population of mothers in the US actually.
@Kell Harris You story about the father traifficing is irrelevant because it is so rare. Bible doesnt say "Men submit to wives" Ephesians5:25 "Husbands love your wives, just as Christ also love the Church" Modern pastor will try uses Ephesians 5:21 which is referring to mutual submission between all christians in general, if that includes husband and wife that is very debatable. The Bible clearly state man is head of the wife . Today modern Churches pander to women, this is one reason most men are not attending church any more. Mega Churches get more money offering from women than man, this why is Pastor in modern church like bash men in the pool pit it increases their bottorline.
This guy has a point, but I think he's missing part of it. I really don't think women want men to simply be more emotional or vulnerable. We want men who have emotional intelligence and maturity. We want emotional intimacy. Not immature little boys who cannot handle themselves, who stonewall, or are emotionally distant, or who lose their temper, or who can't read our emotional needs. We want a strong but gentle man who has high EQ. That is sexy. That is attractive. This is why women say "be a fuckin man, stop being a wuss" in response to a man being vulnerable. Because they did it in an immature, selfish way, not as a grown man who can humbly love and own every part of himself.
And I say this as a gay woman 😂 Us women need to work on this too. Oh my god, living with a woman who is basically a 5 year old emotionally, who plays games and makes you guess what they are feeling and needing instead of communicating it, that is irritating and exhausting. We all are figuring out what healthy communication and true intimacy looks and feels like and are starting to crave that in marriage and relationships.
I recommend you watch his other videos or read his books…you are not fully understanding what he is saying. He doesn’t advocate for stonewalling, shutting down, or expressing oneself in an immature manner…
Did you hear the example given? How was that anything like what you described? Listen to the conversation again as it completely went over your head.
I understand what your implying.
@@godislove4540 I don't know what y'all talking about she was stated what women are asking for and wanting and what men have been giving in relationships and misinterpreting what they're actually doing. Guys only think being vulnerable is taking about themselves when they want to dump their emotional stuff out in messy ways and get upset when each other's needs aren't met.
What headphones are you using?
I’m sorry but this information was fluff. The guest’s comments didn’t begin to address the real heavy stuff that broken down individuals and couples are dealing with. I’m not saying he couldn’t if pressed but this seemed like obvious information.
I have watched training videos for clinicians and they look different. He’s speaking in generalities in this video because he’s just trying to briefly discuss how our culture is toxic and doesn’t allow for people to succeed in relationships. His training videos are detailed, helpful, and very moving.
It is said that even great things are nothing more than a lot of small & simple things all put together.
Would you agree that the big is in the little?
@@godislove4540 Yes hopefully training videos are much more substantive.
@@jeffreypedersen8402 Sometimes that is true.
💯
#1 sex addiction
Broken homes lacking relationship with Jesus Christ.
You guys are having a big laugh with "men have only their romantic partners to cheer for them - go and make some friends, for God's sake". It's not so funny for those of us, who try so hard to make some friends yet we just don't seem to know HOW. I've been trying so hard for the last 12 years and it's not working. That laugh gave me quite a sting (just as feedback for you). It's not like it's working out, as soon as one starts trying. People tend to forget about this.
That was kind of a let down.
👍 agreed
Didn't learn anything new.
He wants to turn men into emotional women.
@@welshhibby No, he wants you to tell your female partner about why your day was shitty and what’s stressing you. That’s always what I want to hear. So I can help. If someone constantly puts on a facade, that’s a turn off. I like guys that can talk about what’s bothering them. It’s more honest. It strengthens the bond. I especially love men that have the emotional intelligence to help me with my problems. Quid pro quo.
@@MsCristina38 And then there's the wisdom from another prominent American relationship expert--he says that men are wired to not be benefited by doing all that talking--that if they spend time talking, the way women do/want to/are wired to do, men will get drained and their bad mood will increase...so what a man needs when he is in a bad mood is for the woman in his life to talk to him about what is helping her be happy and why she's having a decent/really great time; and hearing her will up his mood. Whereas, since women are wired to talk and thereby feel better, when a woman is in a bad mood, she does need the man in her life to do some listening; and him listening helps her mood improve. Say what you will about all this...some days I'd be more inclined to agree than others...but I'm a woman, who hasn't actually asked any men that I know what their opinion is of the accuracy of this.
If you want your wife or girlfriend to lose all attraction for you, tell her your feelings and be vulnerable on a regular basis. Basically act like a emotional women. A man has to have to the rock in the relationship, you can’t have two emotional people.
Lol!
Have you heard of this fool proof system to get a woman’s undying love?
You start by demonstrating how strong and valuable you are;
Then you engage them physically (their malleable minds won’t be able to resist an aloof, strong male);
Nurture a dependence in them for your strength, but DO NOT be emotional and vulnerable (neglect them emotionally);
Inspire hope in them of forming an emotionally connected relationship, but don’t actually be vulnerable with them, just suggest emotional depth;
And, now for the truth, you can’t have a relationship with a woman - they want that emotional relationship, but the sex dries up when you give it to them - so now you have to separate entirely.
It’s called the D.E.N.N.I.S. system, and from your comment, I think it’s right up your alley.
Your definitely single
Your definitely correct my partner agrees that she can’t stand a man who is emotional all the time.
How many women say I love this guy he is so emotional?
@@Military-gradenutella3068 because of the implication?
Woman want more power in our relationships. But that is toxic to the feminine energy we need to have to attract masculine energy
Masculine energy and feminine energy are not always based on power. Gender dynamics have changed often in many times and place. Yin and yang was considered originally equal. Culture is always going back and forth. But many Older philosophies have men and women as equal.
Women must demand respect. Men will learn or they will be alone.
@@kellharris2491 the problem now is that baseline, with the era of social medias and the dating apps, it's turned into delusional expectations,in wake of a decade of internet hook up culture. Now we got this gender war toxicity playing out online. And everybody out here now talking about what they're wanting out of each other, more than they are all actually doing healthy relationships. Idk the older single people out here don't seem all that happy. Or else they wouldn't still be out here constantly saying they'll be fine not settling then posts later on TikTok how disappointed they end up being. Just type that last sentence on the TH-cam search bar will bring allt this up for you.