Nothing is more detrimental in a relationship then that hollow search for perfection. We see an old couple sitting on a bench and look to them through loving eyes, while the reality of it might be that the husband is angry, because he didn't want to go out that day. But he did it anyway, only because he knew it would make her happy. Real love is not finding a perfect match, or living a life in perfect harmony, it's giving up a part of yourself for someone ells.
Love does require generosity & tolerance, to a point. I've witnessed relationships where one of the partners were too tolerant-over & over again; it's one-sided to a perilous degree. I've also seen relationships where generosity & benevolence works. I also agree with not hitting back with equal force; take the high road. In a one-sided, abusive situation, this may save your life. Many of these videos appear to be about mostly healthy relationships where there is hope, balance & boundaries. How about a video about setting healthy boundaries, SoL? How would you define & enforce them? At what point do we stop making excuses for bad behavior in your opinion?
I don't think that is a question anyone can answer for you. You need to know those limits yourself. Some people who are more needy might not cope well with any kind of conflict, while others may be able to excuse a lot, sometimes too much. So you have to ask from yourself, what are your boundaries? Obviously it is never healthy to stay in an abusive relationship. No matter how much you may love your partner, sometimes it is important to learn to let go. Sometimes letting go is the loving thing to do, for both of you.
M CC, good question... I think, everybody has bad behaviours. It ranges from the mildly annoying, to seriously destructive. The video is too short to give us a clear context (i.e. how often does the girl behave that way? how long since they had sex?), so it is hard to be sure 'at what point' do you stop making excuses for bad behaviour. Generally speaking, since there aren't any perfect relationships, we all take the good with the bad. As long as the bad isn't TOO BAD, the relationship should survive. Personally, I don't think I want to spend energy altering my partner's behaviour if it has been a lifetime habit; I have to decide if what he's doing is a deal breaker or not. If that behaviour was bad enough to make me want to leave him, and yet I'm still with him, this says more about me than it says about him. I've got some work to do. I think it is very VERY important that we don't turn into our partner's therapists... we're not here to alter their behaviour per se, we're here to negotiate what we want out of the relationship and if our partners couldn't give us what we want... then its 'goodbye'.
Interesting post. I like a lot of what you said. For me, what drew me here is my partner just told me today that she cheated while on vacation. She emotionally cheated about 15 months ago; that was the first time. We talked and recommitted to our relationship. I thought things were good and she says that she thought things were good ---- but then she met a guy who had similar interests and they cuddled together at night. Not the worst by any stretch but what a betrayal (again) of my trust. It's been 6 years together and I have a lot of love for her. I feel like I've been generous (maybe not received it as much back....).
Well, it is actually something I've wondered a lot. Most relationships I know of has gone hand in hand with genocide. It almost seems like a law of nature. Doesn't take the cuteness out of it after all.
Was lonely as fuck and depressed for a looooong time (about 12 years) due to fear of commitment and crazy low self esteem. Took hard work and lots of time to change myself and the way I think but when I found this channel and started learning from it, the whole process sped up like crazy. Sometimes it felt like you guys were uploading specifically for me (vids on specific issues that were then very relevant to me). Been together with someone for 6 months now (longest relationship before was 3 weeks, if you can even call that a relationship); so thanks, School of Life!!!
Some people think that being able to live alone is a sign of strength. In some ways it may be. But I think you need to be much stronger and brave to live with someone. The kind of strength I absolutely don't have. Oh, just by watching this video I felt " claustrophobic"! I mean this is very close to what I would describe as hell. Poor guy... The prospect of coming back home in the evening and not having an idea about what to expect is truly horrifying to me. Of course it depends on how you describe "home". For me it is this one sacred, peaceful and silent place where there is no one to hurt you. I mean if I was that guy, I couldn't survive a week of that. I would fall apart. It is like living in permanent exile, so far from your own world. Just the scene at the dinner table would spoil my entire day. I would think: "Yet another day of life is ruined over nothing. And many more of this misery is still to come..." But since those two are mentally more healthy people, they do the right thing. I deeply admire the "trust" they have in each others good will. I would always rather think: " you can assume as much as you want, but you will never really know ..." Well in the end, it all comes down to "know thyself". Those of us who are already too disturbed or too damaged may as well prefer to keep their own safe apartment. It is better for the other person too. But you can still console yourself thinking that, thank God, there are many other ways of being generous in this world. Thanks a lot for this very tender lesson. Many greetings to Hannah! She is not only a great art teacher and actress, but she plays the piano very well too. And as we all know she has such a beautiful voice. So she must play and sing too!
Too much kindness will bite you back. Treat someone too nicely and she/he'll in turn get pampered, feel like a boss and "use" you. It hurts to see someone you love and given so much kindness doesn't think of the same to you...
What if that person is incapable of being kind or show generosity at the same level? Does that mean she loves you less? Must love always be equal even if you are in a relationship together?
gustinex :) I'm sure you feel something. As for the question, I don't have the answer -- to those I've asked, especially married couples, I got the answer that very rarely to people love each other the same way. It's different for everyone. But there was to be some common-ground. Some reciprocity. Otherwise, it's all in vain.
I know exactly what you mean. My ex, first and only girlfriend I've had. Was so nice to her. Was good for maybe a month and half. Then she got bored or something. For the next month and half she would just subtly ignore me, and said she needs to hang out with other people too. It does feel like you're being used as hell. Unfortunately first loves are often first hates for the generous people like me. Let me tell you, if you feel like you aren't appreciated or anything, confront them. Don't be a pussy, don't let it slide. I let her break up with me, biggest mistake ever. She deserved to be broken up with.
xBobz Mine wasn't a girlfriend, I didn't manage to get to that level. She was my crush that I've been chasing for 3 years+. As much as she doesn't look at me the same, I still can't stop caring for her. I don't think I see her as a crush anymore, but I sure do feel alot of sadness and loneliness in her(because of her personality?). Maybe I'm the pathetic one.
She reminds me of the one girl I thought I'll be spending my entire life with. Well, you can see why I'm writing this in the past-tense. She left you see, because she thought I was hurting myself by being with her. Her words, not mine. Her decision. Not. Mine. Anyway, I think she realized that being in a relationship with me would be impractical, especially because -- I THINK -- she thought that her level of emotional need was so much that it wouldn't be possible to support. I mean emotionally not even touching on finances. So after years of being together and sacrifices on both of our parts, she still must have felt that it wasn't enough. Maybe she needed someone who could care more. If that's how you feel. I say stick to that decision. Find someone who gives you the kind of are that YOU need. No matter how much that is. And most importantly, most of all, TRY (I know it must be hard to but still try) to take care of yourself first. That's what I'm trying to do myself.
I had the same experience, she told me years later what she meant was that with me she didn't see a way out of her downward spiral, and I would, and did, inevitably get caught in it.
The thing I like about these videos is that at first they seem like points we've heard before on this channel, but then there are a few additions every time. It really makes picking up life lessons easy for anyone. Inspiring stuff.
Some people are not meant to be in a relationship, no matter how patient, generous and caring you are. They can even drag you down with them. People shouldn't think the can change others, fix their problems with love, etc, it doesn't work.
I think finding out whether the other person means it the way he/she is saying it can be understood with enough sensitivity, they are couples after all.
+Niloufar, Its not 'what' they say... its 'how' they say it. That is the tone of their voice, the body language, the eye contact (or lack thereof), it is the subtle nuances like these that tells the story.
I'm speaking from a lesbian perspective here, but most of the time, if you find your partner to act unreasonable you can ask them. "Hey, is there something wrong? You can tell me." and most of the time they will open up because you saw their pain and asked about it instead of ignoring it. Also any of the following reasons will make some people behave like pricks: being hungry, being tired, being stressed, being in pain, being worried. The two last are the hardest ones for people to admit to and usually only works if you genuinely ask what's wrong.
It's almost been a year since I saw her. It feels a thousand times longer. I don't know how it got so bad but it did and -- yeah. Despite all the generosity and caring and being adult about our feelings it all just... didn't work. I don't blame her, and honestly I've stopped blaming myself as well. Maybe it was circumstances, maybe she realized she was better off without me and is starting to think that isn't the case but.. I don't know what to do. This video suggests how one should behave in a relationship and I honestly think we both behaved generously, and yet it didn't work out. Maybe we stopped being generous over the years. It's just difficult to keep a straight face about it, especially if I have to talk to her about it again. What I'm saying is this -- from experience -- it isn't just generosity that will save your relationship. In order to make it last, I think, there has to be the apprehension of that generosity. Because at the end of the day, most relationships are NOT equal -- and you may find yourself loving her MORE than how much she is capable of loving you and it may be okay with you but killing her inside but it doesn't matter does it? I've done all that. It doesn't matter because you'd love her anyway and even after a year you'd still want to go and see her and hold her and cry and want to stop this crazy-ass fucking void in the core of your heart so you could just talk to her and show her that you do care even if she doesn't anymore... But is that healthy? ? No. It isn't. Not for you. But more importantly. Not for her either. If she has to move on, if she feels like she would be HAPPIER without you. Respect that. Stop caring. Be resolute. You were NOT as important to her as SHE thought you were. And your generosity, once you are no longer in the relationship, is no longer expected, wanted, or needed. EDIT: Because even after all the sacrifice and all the 'being generous' if she still feels that it is not enough, that you are NOT the person who can provide her with the LEVEL of caring that she NEEDS, then she's right. You aren't caring enough. Even if it feels like you were. The truth is, if you were, it wouldn't have fallen apart. She'd still be here with you. She needed someone who CAN be generous -- even more so than you are or were. And the best thing you can do then is to accept that and grow the fuck up. Of course we are all children, but as adults we must learn to grow the fuck up. To learn to deal with consequences, to love someone unconditionally SHOULD not mean that you love them when they stop to. Tomorrow's our anniversary, if you've read this far, I would appreciate your response. If you don't wish to respond, that is fine as well. You are all free to do whatever you think is right. And that's all any of us can do, really. TLDR: In the end, you have to learn to take care of yourself and be with someone who gives you the kind of caring that you need. And of course, you need to be mature enough to recognize that person and recognize who is not.
Thank you for this honest message, I had to respond, you write beautifully because everything you say is clear. I agree, there is more to it than just adjusting your own reactions to a partner's behaviour. The School of Life has a fixation with looking objectively at a lover's behaviour to the point where its version of relationships seems cold to me. It seems to say that person has to assess their partner like a schoolteacher or a doctor all the time, it suggests a weird distance and a sense of superiority. You have it exactly when you say that there needs to be apprehension of that generosity. We will always crave what we need in love, to have the right kind of understanding shown by our partner. I am sorry to think that you are sad, the way thoughtful people become sad, especially when they have had to face tough times. From the sensible and kind way you describe your relationship, it is clear that you are indeed a generous person and you have a lot to offer, not just the partner you settle with, but all people. Love can be so difficult and feel so strangely painful, what's more, in some cases, the incapacity to provide someone with love can be just as bad. I think that if everyone took the clear headed approach you take, we would all recover sooner in these situations.I hope things turn out for the better for you in the long term. I hope you find happiness, you deserve it.
I honestly was not expecting anyone to answer. I just... needed to get that out because yeah sometimes words can get under your skin in ways that are still surprising. Thank you for your kind words. They have helped... in whatever little way they could, and I am very grateful for them :) I cannot say whether I have recovered or not. But again, thank you.
Navid Haider reading this was heartening for me. I sort of recently left a relationship in which I felt my partner and I didn't think of each other in healthy ways, and they've since (understandably) been angry and pleading with me, which I felt helped neither of us. It felt good to see someone say that it's best to let go even though it's hard. I think that letting go is a generous behavior, too, and ultimately the kindest way of thinking for both oneself ("it's not necessarily my fault; they needed to go") and one's partner ("they had good reasons to leave, and I'm happy they're being attentive to their feelings").
There is some truth to this video, as humorously as it was made. As a therapist myself, I've often said that in a lot of times understanding human behavior is a lot like thinking how a child reacts and feels in that kind of situation. Sure our expressions become more complex and so does our representation of our emotions, but the feelings remain relatively same trough out our lives. In some senses, relationships represent a test to see if we can take care of children, too.
This happens when love grows old, everything settles down and there is no need to woo your lover as they both are already together. Here comes the true side of love which need patience and generosity. You can never love everything about your partner but together with true efforts any couple can love each other and their best qualities ignoring the bad ones.
There's something cathartic about hearing the problems of relationships, that none of your friends will ever admit to having, and knowing that although you are alone, you don't have to deal with any of it.
go outside and get some fucking exercise and put some effort into your appearance and social life and you will. What you mean is you can't be fucking arsed.
Robin Green I do work on myself, but with my environment being hard left and my own expressions being right, a lot of people will turn me away because of my political views. on top of that, I also have scar wounds and a puffy jawline, as well as social issues. I don't have social anxiety or anything, I'm just not good at making friends or conversing.
political issues don't need to be factor in relationships, and anyway the only reason your presumably alt-right is because you spend all your time on the internet. A haven for socially inept young males like you, its a breeding ground for conservative right wing politics. Try to look at things from a different perspective.
Robin Green I have, and I'm not alr-right, I'm regular conservative. Political differences are an issue, because as much as I'm willing to look past them no liberal I know is. I don't agree with feminism, but if there's someone I like I'm willing to look past it, however they wouldn't be willing to look over my fact > emotions ideas.
You can't imagine how glad I am that I found this channel. TH-cam finally makes a good recommendation, that's what should be in the trends! And it was just a video about Karl Marx who was the topic of the last history lesson that brought me to that wonderful place full of inspiring videos...
We're not so sure if loving other people has to be a weakness. The world would stop pretty quickly without this vital capacity. But we understand your feeling and thank you for watching.
I'm sorry, but if my lover cooked dinner for me, no matter how bad my day was, I'd thank them for it. If you're in a relationship and your partner treats you this way, don't be generous, leave.
Your videos are so psychological and warm so I'm almost crying. They are so helpful and teach me a lot of things, even though I'm only 16. I hope I'll use when it gets time. Thank you ♡
JaxxoDam I'm just gonna chip in & say sex isn't that big of a deal. Mainstream media over-hypes it a great deal. Your body is designed to want it out of an evolutionary need for survival but after you've done it you'll realise the other side of the grass isn't that much greener. It can be great when there's strong chemistry with your partner but just don't beat yourself up over not having sex
You guys need some self confidence and to find your target market. Nice guys won't find a match in parties or clubs where girls only want to get wasted and one night stands. You'll only get Forrest Gumped there. Try to find women somewhere else -not girls. Saddest part is that matches for nice guys are becoming a rarity as times go by... and they'll probably have a kid or two.
I wish my wife understood this... In my world it's all about trust. However, when a woman or a man has lost trust (due to past relationships), it is impossible. Serve all you want, you will be the punching bag... with some good times thrown in.
This real actor video made it so much more intense than every video of School of Life before! This is so spot on and by far my favorite video of School of Life.
It's being in touch with your own needs and desires, enough so that you may be able to recognise the needs and desires of others, and make your best attempt at fulfilling them. We're all innately in touch with our emotions, it's just that most of us end up living lives that lead to us falling out of touch with them.
I used to love this girl a while back. She was beautiful to me and perfect in every form. I used to message her and eventually she tookmore time to respond and started to say that she didnt see my messages. Eventually we stopped talking. I doubt she even remembers my name but i enjoyed her company and having someone message me first. I cried every night from May to December thinking of it things were different. I still miss her. 😭
Don't blame yourself and think that her drifting away was about what you did or didn't do, unless she specifically told you something that you subsequently ignored. If you and she were tight, and then not, and there was no conversation about it, then she just "evolved" into not wanting you. That hurts, but it wasn't about you doing something wrong. OTOH, there's no rule that says you can't hit her up and say hello. Perhaps she's more open now. And if she pushes you away again, you can respectfully ask why. Her answer might give you some closure.
As someone who had the displeasure of dealing with someone like this for years I can tell you that it doesn't get better. There are people who will disregard your interests every time. They will wear down your kindness and deride you for having been kind in the first place. It's okay occasionally but people who are regularly like this need to be surgically removed from our lives. Your videos are often true in broad strokes or on a very simplistic level. I prefer your videos on philosophy or literature for that reason.
You have to make more of these ! It demonstrates how the principles can be applied and how it will look like if we behave in certain ways, therefore it gives me clues of what to do accordingly. Very helpful if you put this kind of real life videos at the end of each lesson as a quick recap.
Right when I was starting to get the feeling that your videos are falling into sort of the same speach (comprehension towards yourself/the other) this made me feel better. Not necessarily because of the video style, although it helps.
I just want to say thank you for every video. I´ve learnt more about my relationship, my feelings, my parents, my life here than I think anywhere else... Thank you...
HurtsEnd Don't get discouraged, some people learn and/or are taught that showing feelings and cuteness is dangerous for them and have a hard time accepting the things you probably wanted to grant her. That's my father in law's case and he passed the awful things he had to learn being an orphan to his daughters. My GF's brother in law and me are having a hard time with them and it's a day to day struggle. Don't be sad man, you are relationship material and will find someone to pursuit happiness with.
If i cooked for a women and she dissed me like this i would snatch my spaghetti clean out her stomach and leave with my pot of food. Don't get it twisted schooloflife, this is a result of this man treating this women to damn well and NOT of miscommunication
There's ups and downs in a relationship, you can't expect to get treated like a king non-stop because neither can you treat her like a queen endlessly. No one's mood is on a straight path, everyone is sitting on a roller-coaster, some just have harsher turns than others (yes I just came up with this, no English is no my native lang that's probably why it sounds retarded). That's how I think about it at least.
Well said, guepard! Though I liked how the man stood up for himself, without being nasty to her. And that is important. It is one thing to be empathetic and generous and another to be a doormat... There is a clear difference and we need to find our own "thin red line".
+guépard sped your comment is very well said. I'm not gonna lie i got mad after her comment on his food and left half way through. I'd like to imagine that every adult isn't that immature but i guess i am one of those immature adults
Which explains why love is dying. The current world is not made for generosity sadly. A result based society, means its all about who is more selfish. So love dies.
Well done, School of Life! Your continual movement toward trying to help people understand how to treat each other is inspiring. This video, in particular, stands out because you provided specific examples of less-than-desirable behaviors in our significant other that we might otherwise view as attacks (and thus weakening the relationship) and specific examples of how to handle it (not taking the behavior personally and addressing our partner's need to feel understood even if our partner is unable to say what exactly is bothering them). It's not mind-reading as some commenters have suggested, but a generous appeal to our partner's innate need to feel as though we care. Perhaps you'll consider making a few more video examples along this vein? Also, perhaps a video or two on the inner dialogue that must occur to not take their behavior personally?
Thanks Amy. Yes, we have been cheered by how much people seemed to enjoy this film - and are currently imagining a whole series of films about relationships in this vein.
Great video. My favorite thing about this channel is how open minded it is. I love how I don't agree with every video, which gives me a new perspective on the subject of whatever the video may be talking about. This video for instance, its not that I don't agree with it, it's just that I've never even considered things to be this way. Keep up the good work.
NOOOOO! go back to using the clever animation and British narrator! no live action stuff! that's one of the amazing things that set school of life apart from other similar channels! this was ok for a one and done but back to business as usual next time!
Daniel Ostaszewski rather than choosing the cynical side and viewing it as awkward, perhaps they are truly just like every one of us in that they were taught how to handle their feeling s a certain way and never stepped outside of that box. relationships get us out of that comfort zone, that's part of why we need generosity in them to keep ourselves afloat.
Crydra McLovin Not talking anything about that Cryndra but thanks :) I just pointed that if there is people acting like this guys in the video they need more than just comprehension, they need professional psychological help. They are really acting like grown up kids instead of grown up adults with necessities. Of course I support genuine listening, comprehension and tolerance among couples starting with myself but for the people in real life acting like spoiled kids like in this video I wish they can find something more... like a professional help. They act really awkward :/
Daniel Ostaszewski I disagree. They're unsure where their priorities lay which makes them act like kids. Its not some thing that needs professional help necessarily because often we learn not to be brats from other people. that plus they're actors so duh, they're probably blowing this out of proportion so they can get the point across
This is good work. They say crazy ones are the ones that have changed the world. You - "School of Life" - you beautiful people you are changing the world in your own ways! Much gratitude.
When we understand how to translate and give a real meaning to complaints is easy to be emphatic, we may even recognize the story of frustration that put the loved one in that complaining position, but in many cases the other person can't see it, or don't want or don't care about that story, and they keep "attacking" us. We must educate each other to be self aware. Give the right conditions to express and knowing how to respond when we are in that position.
Thank you for this video, there are times when we need to be reminded about this. It makes all the difference and gives strength to try and be better...
instead of requiring our partners to read our emotions like you would a child, we should learn to take responsibility for familiarizing ourselves with them and expressing them. That's growing up, right?
Very cute video! I believe that the messages of most of these videos is quite universal. Whether one is depressed or not, we could all be more forgiving and compassionate to each others actions and words. It is impossible to read minds but understanding that people are driven by behaviors that are sometimes rooted in childhood experience is an important part of being compassionate toward your partner.
I think people need to find themselves spiritually first and go through some real deep experiences in life before even trying to be in a relationship. This is why 99% of relationships fail as most people are still spiritually, mentally and emotionally immature for something so extreme as commitment to one person for the rest of your life. We are all naturally born as free spirits, its society and culture that molds us this way. The problem being is people don't truly love themselves and aren't at peace with themselves. If this is the case then how do you expect to love one another? If you are at peace with yourself what another does should not effect you. Attachments and Expectations are the main causes of suffering and relationship problems.
hey school of life! great video again! Could we have a video on Derek Parfit? With his recent death and his fantastic life work in philosophy I would love to see a video on him!
Nothing is more detrimental in a relationship then that hollow search for perfection. We see an old couple sitting on a bench and look to them through loving eyes, while the reality of it might be that the husband is angry, because he didn't want to go out that day. But he did it anyway, only because he knew it would make her happy. Real love is not finding a perfect match, or living a life in perfect harmony, it's giving up a part of yourself for someone ells.
Love does require generosity & tolerance, to a point. I've witnessed relationships where one of the partners were too tolerant-over & over again; it's one-sided to a perilous degree. I've also seen relationships where generosity & benevolence works.
I also agree with not hitting back with equal force; take the high road. In a one-sided, abusive situation, this may save your life.
Many of these videos appear to be about mostly healthy relationships where there is hope, balance & boundaries.
How about a video about setting healthy boundaries, SoL? How would you define & enforce them?
At what point do we stop making excuses for bad behavior in your opinion?
I don't think that is a question anyone can answer for you. You need to know those limits yourself. Some people who are more needy might not cope well with any kind of conflict, while others may be able to excuse a lot, sometimes too much.
So you have to ask from yourself, what are your boundaries?
Obviously it is never healthy to stay in an abusive relationship. No matter how much you may love your partner, sometimes it is important to learn to let go. Sometimes letting go is the loving thing to do, for both of you.
Know what they say - unconditional love is a beautiful thing... AFTER your conditions have been met
M CC, good question... I think, everybody has bad behaviours. It ranges from the mildly annoying, to seriously destructive. The video is too short to give us a clear context (i.e. how often does the girl behave that way? how long since they had sex?), so it is hard to be sure 'at what point' do you stop making excuses for bad behaviour.
Generally speaking, since there aren't any perfect relationships, we all take the good with the bad. As long as the bad isn't TOO BAD, the relationship should survive.
Personally, I don't think I want to spend energy altering my partner's behaviour if it has been a lifetime habit; I have to decide if what he's doing is a deal breaker or not. If that behaviour was bad enough to make me want to leave him, and yet I'm still with him, this says more about me than it says about him. I've got some work to do.
I think it is very VERY important that we don't turn into our partner's therapists... we're not here to alter their behaviour per se, we're here to negotiate what we want out of the relationship and if our partners couldn't give us what we want... then its 'goodbye'.
Interesting post. I like a lot of what you said. For me, what drew me here is my partner just told me today that she cheated while on vacation.
She emotionally cheated about 15 months ago; that was the first time. We talked and recommitted to our relationship. I thought things were good and she says that she thought things were good ---- but then she met a guy who had similar interests and they cuddled together at night. Not the worst by any stretch but what a betrayal (again) of my trust.
It's been 6 years together and I have a lot of love for her. I feel like I've been generous (maybe not received it as much back....).
Good question!
They were so cute, when they understood each other.
I liked this video, even though it didn’t tell me why love requires genocide.
fucking what?
Well, it is actually something I've wondered a lot. Most relationships I know of has gone hand in hand with genocide. It almost seems like a law of nature. Doesn't take the cuteness out of it after all.
lol. that's got to be the most jarring thing i've read all day.
cimmik generosity dude! GEN-ER-OSITY. What the hell man?!
Lol
School of Life... Taught me how to love my partner in a smarter way
Was lonely as fuck and depressed for a looooong time (about 12 years) due to fear of commitment and crazy low self esteem.
Took hard work and lots of time to change myself and the way I think but when I found this channel and started learning from it, the whole process sped up like crazy.
Sometimes it felt like you guys were uploading specifically for me (vids on specific issues that were then very relevant to me).
Been together with someone for 6 months now (longest relationship before was 3 weeks, if you can even call that a relationship); so thanks, School of Life!!!
I just found out that your soul mate could be a youtube channel.
Thank you! We agree...
Some people think that being able to live alone is a sign of strength. In some ways it may be. But I think you need to be much stronger and brave to live with someone. The kind of strength I absolutely don't have. Oh, just by watching this video I felt
" claustrophobic"! I mean this is very close to what I would describe as hell. Poor guy... The prospect of coming back home in the evening and not having an idea about what to expect is truly horrifying to me. Of course it depends on how you describe "home".
For me it is this one sacred, peaceful and silent place where there is no one to hurt you. I mean if I was that guy, I couldn't survive a week of that. I would fall apart. It is like living in permanent exile, so far from your own world.
Just the scene at the dinner table would spoil my entire day. I would think:
"Yet another day of life is ruined over nothing. And many more of this misery is still to come..."
But since those two are mentally more healthy people, they do the right thing. I deeply admire the "trust" they have in each others good will. I would always rather think:
" you can assume as much as you want, but you will never really know ..."
Well in the end, it all comes down to "know thyself". Those of us who are already too disturbed or too damaged may as well prefer to keep their own safe apartment. It is better for the other person too. But you can still console yourself thinking that, thank God, there are many other ways of being generous in this world.
Thanks a lot for this very tender lesson. Many greetings to Hannah! She is not only a great art teacher and actress, but she plays the piano very well too. And as we all know she has such a beautiful voice. So she must play and sing too!
Lua Veli to live alone is strength to live with another is courage
Good points!
Selamun aleykum! Oh considering the alternative, I have really no complaints:-) But thanks a lot for your message. Have a nice day!
Hello STEM Girls. Thanks a lot for reading. Have a nice weekend!
Hello Satnamo. That's a good way of putting it. Thank you for sharing. Best wishes:-)
Too much kindness will bite you back. Treat someone too nicely and she/he'll in turn get pampered, feel like a boss and "use" you. It hurts to see someone you love and given so much kindness doesn't think of the same to you...
What if that person is incapable of being kind or show generosity at the same level? Does that mean she loves you less? Must love always be equal even if you are in a relationship together?
Navid Haider I don't know. I barely feel anything. Does it?
gustinex :) I'm sure you feel something. As for the question, I don't have the answer -- to those I've asked, especially married couples, I got the answer that very rarely to people love each other the same way. It's different for everyone. But there was to be some common-ground. Some reciprocity. Otherwise, it's all in vain.
I know exactly what you mean. My ex, first and only girlfriend I've had. Was so nice to her. Was good for maybe a month and half. Then she got bored or something. For the next month and half she would just subtly ignore me, and said she needs to hang out with other people too. It does feel like you're being used as hell. Unfortunately first loves are often first hates for the generous people like me. Let me tell you, if you feel like you aren't appreciated or anything, confront them. Don't be a pussy, don't let it slide. I let her break up with me, biggest mistake ever. She deserved to be broken up with.
xBobz Mine wasn't a girlfriend, I didn't manage to get to that level. She was my crush that I've been chasing for 3 years+. As much as she doesn't look at me the same, I still can't stop caring for her. I don't think I see her as a crush anymore, but I sure do feel alot of sadness and loneliness in her(because of her personality?). Maybe I'm the pathetic one.
shes beautiful omg
so is he if you stop and look
KonxOmPax She has dimples😍
+Strangely Brown do you know who she is?
+Strangely Brown omg shes smart. nicee, thanks dude.
Strangely Brown.
That girl reminds me of myself, which is kind of depressing.
She reminds me of the one girl I thought I'll be spending my entire life with. Well, you can see why I'm writing this in the past-tense. She left you see, because she thought I was hurting myself by being with her. Her words, not mine. Her decision. Not. Mine.
Anyway, I think she realized that being in a relationship with me would be impractical, especially because -- I THINK -- she thought that her level of emotional need was so much that it wouldn't be possible to support. I mean emotionally not even touching on finances. So after years of being together and sacrifices on both of our parts, she still must have felt that it wasn't enough. Maybe she needed someone who could care more.
If that's how you feel. I say stick to that decision. Find someone who gives you the kind of are that YOU need. No matter how much that is.
And most importantly, most of all, TRY (I know it must be hard to but still try) to take care of yourself first. That's what I'm trying to do myself.
I had the same experience, she told me years later what she meant was that with me she didn't see a way out of her downward spiral, and I would, and did, inevitably get caught in it.
It's all for the best. :) As long as people stay heathy and happy and horny, no better thang.
"kind of"? Don't you have any control over your behavior?
The thing I like about these videos is that at first they seem like points we've heard before on this channel, but then there are a few additions every time. It really makes picking up life lessons easy for anyone. Inspiring stuff.
Thanks so much!
Some people are not meant to be in a relationship, no matter how patient, generous and caring you are. They can even drag you down with them. People shouldn't think the can change others, fix their problems with love, etc, it doesn't work.
My favorite channel is back again!
But what if they really meant what they said?...
Niloufar hello my iranian friend
@Niloufar Yes Only if there were Iranian
I think finding out whether the other person means it the way he/she is saying it can be understood with enough sensitivity, they are couples after all.
+Niloufar, Its not 'what' they say... its 'how' they say it. That is the tone of their voice, the body language, the eye contact (or lack thereof), it is the subtle nuances like these that tells the story.
I'm speaking from a lesbian perspective here, but most of the time, if you find your partner to act unreasonable you can ask them.
"Hey, is there something wrong? You can tell me." and most of the time they will open up because you saw their pain and asked about it instead of ignoring it.
Also any of the following reasons will make some people behave like pricks: being hungry, being tired, being stressed, being in pain, being worried.
The two last are the hardest ones for people to admit to and usually only works if you genuinely ask what's wrong.
This is a very pleasant change ....an ocean of love is required in the world at this time... most welcomed....about time !
It's almost been a year since I saw her. It feels a thousand times longer. I don't know how it got so bad but it did and -- yeah. Despite all the generosity and caring and being adult about our feelings it all just... didn't work. I don't blame her, and honestly I've stopped blaming myself as well. Maybe it was circumstances, maybe she realized she was better off without me and is starting to think that isn't the case but.. I don't know what to do.
This video suggests how one should behave in a relationship and I honestly think we both behaved generously, and yet it didn't work out. Maybe we stopped being generous over the years. It's just difficult to keep a straight face about it, especially if I have to talk to her about it again.
What I'm saying is this -- from experience -- it isn't just generosity that will save your relationship. In order to make it last, I think, there has to be the apprehension of that generosity. Because at the end of the day, most relationships are NOT equal -- and you may find yourself loving her MORE than how much she is capable of loving you and it may be okay with you but killing her inside but it doesn't matter does it? I've done all that. It doesn't matter because you'd love her anyway and even after a year you'd still want to go and see her and hold her and cry and want to stop this crazy-ass fucking void in the core of your heart so you could just talk to her and show her that you do care even if she doesn't anymore...
But is that healthy? ?
No. It isn't.
Not for you.
But more importantly.
Not for her either.
If she has to move on, if she feels like she would be HAPPIER without you. Respect that. Stop caring. Be resolute. You were NOT as important to her as SHE thought you were. And your generosity, once you are no longer in the relationship, is no longer expected, wanted, or needed.
EDIT: Because even after all the sacrifice and all the 'being generous' if she still feels that it is not enough, that you are NOT the person who can provide her with the LEVEL of caring that she NEEDS, then she's right. You aren't caring enough. Even if it feels like you were. The truth is, if you were, it wouldn't have fallen apart. She'd still be here with you. She needed someone who CAN be generous -- even more so than you are or were. And the best thing you can do then is to accept that and grow the fuck up.
Of course we are all children, but as adults we must learn to grow the fuck up. To learn to deal with consequences, to love someone unconditionally SHOULD not mean that you love them when they stop to. Tomorrow's our anniversary, if you've read this far, I would appreciate your response. If you don't wish to respond, that is fine as well. You are all free to do whatever you think is right. And that's all any of us can do, really.
TLDR: In the end, you have to learn to take care of yourself and be with someone who gives you the kind of caring that you need. And of course, you need to be mature enough to recognize that person and recognize who is not.
Thank you for this honest message, I had to respond, you write beautifully because everything you say is clear. I agree, there is more to it than just adjusting your own reactions to a partner's behaviour. The School of Life has a fixation with looking objectively at a lover's behaviour to the point where its version of relationships seems cold to me. It seems to say that person has to assess their partner like a schoolteacher or a doctor all the time, it suggests a weird distance and a sense of superiority. You have it exactly when you say that there needs to be apprehension of that generosity. We will always crave what we need in love, to have the right kind of understanding shown by our partner. I am sorry to think that you are sad, the way thoughtful people become sad, especially when they have had to face tough times. From the sensible and kind way you describe your relationship, it is clear that you are indeed a generous person and you have a lot to offer, not just the partner you settle with, but all people. Love can be so difficult and feel so strangely painful, what's more, in some cases, the incapacity to provide someone with love can be just as bad. I think that if everyone took the clear headed approach you take, we would all recover sooner in these situations.I hope things turn out for the better for you in the long term. I hope you find happiness, you deserve it.
I honestly was not expecting anyone to answer. I just... needed to get that out because yeah sometimes words can get under your skin in ways that are still surprising. Thank you for your kind words. They have helped... in whatever little way they could, and I am very grateful for them :)
I cannot say whether I have recovered or not. But again, thank you.
Navid Haider reading this was heartening for me.
I sort of recently left a relationship in which I felt my partner and I didn't think of each other in healthy ways, and they've since (understandably) been angry and pleading with me, which I felt helped neither of us. It felt good to see someone say that it's best to let go even though it's hard. I think that letting go is a generous behavior, too, and ultimately the kindest way of thinking for both oneself ("it's not necessarily my fault; they needed to go") and one's partner ("they had good reasons to leave, and I'm happy they're being attentive to their feelings").
There is some truth to this video, as humorously as it was made. As a therapist myself, I've often said that in a lot of times understanding human behavior is a lot like thinking how a child reacts and feels in that kind of situation. Sure our expressions become more complex and so does our representation of our emotions, but the feelings remain relatively same trough out our lives. In some senses, relationships represent a test to see if we can take care of children, too.
Thanks - the film was made with the collaboration of The School of Life's therapists, so your comment is especially apposite.
This is one of your best videos yet, SoL.
P.S. I'm single, and I don't think you have to have a partner for this to be very useful information.
For those of you who might be wondering, the piano piece at the beginning is Claude Debussy's 'The Girl with Flaxen Hair"
Thank you! Shazam was not working. Great to know someone enjoyed the song also.
This happens when love grows old, everything settles down and there is no need to woo your lover as they both are already together. Here comes the true side of love which need patience and generosity. You can never love everything about your partner but together with true efforts any couple can love each other and their best qualities ignoring the bad ones.
I have no idea why I'm watching this, especially since I'll never have love.
There's something cathartic about hearing the problems of relationships, that none of your friends will ever admit to having, and knowing that although you are alone, you don't have to deal with any of it.
go outside and get some fucking exercise and put some effort into your appearance and social life and you will. What you mean is you can't be fucking arsed.
Robin Green I do work on myself, but with my environment being hard left and my own expressions being right, a lot of people will turn me away because of my political views. on top of that, I also have scar wounds and a puffy jawline, as well as social issues. I don't have social anxiety or anything, I'm just not good at making friends or conversing.
political issues don't need to be factor in relationships, and anyway the only reason your presumably alt-right is because you spend all your time on the internet. A haven for socially inept young males like you, its a breeding ground for conservative right wing politics. Try to look at things from a different perspective.
Robin Green I have, and I'm not alr-right, I'm regular conservative.
Political differences are an issue, because as much as I'm willing to look past them no liberal I know is. I don't agree with feminism, but if there's someone I like I'm willing to look past it, however they wouldn't be willing to look over my fact > emotions ideas.
As an Italian, I'd be pissed about that dinner too.
Scusi!
This is the most beautiful video on love that I've seen. Ah you people do wonderful work.
You can't imagine how glad I am that I found this channel. TH-cam finally makes a good recommendation, that's what should be in the trends!
And it was just a video about Karl Marx who was the topic of the last history lesson that brought me to that wonderful place full of inspiring videos...
love for others is weakness, love for self a strength.
We're not so sure if loving other people has to be a weakness. The world would stop pretty quickly without this vital capacity. But we understand your feeling and thank you for watching.
Awesome video. Terrific actors and a lovely message!
This shattered me...
absolutely shattered me...
I'm literally bawling with my iPad under the sheets...
...I needed this
wonderful! all these short films are so wonderful truely. thank you!
I'm sorry, but if my lover cooked dinner for me, no matter how bad my day was, I'd thank them for it.
If you're in a relationship and your partner treats you this way, don't be generous, leave.
I agree.
What makes this so poignant and wonderful is how relatable and accurate these frustrations are.
0.55 - 1.10 is actually pretty nasty. I couldn't imagine talking to a partner that way, or vice versa.
Your videos are so psychological and warm so I'm almost crying. They are so helpful and teach me a lot of things, even though I'm only 16. I hope I'll use when it gets time.
Thank you ♡
And this is why i'm a decently normal guy at 22 years old, but have never had sex/gf. I'm pathetic
JaxxoDam sad
Liberal-in-Trumpland It is sad, indeed
It can always be worse.. 27 here
JaxxoDam I'm just gonna chip in & say sex isn't that big of a deal. Mainstream media over-hypes it a great deal. Your body is designed to want it out of an evolutionary need for survival but after you've done it you'll realise the other side of the grass isn't that much greener. It can be great when there's strong chemistry with your partner but just don't beat yourself up over not having sex
You guys need some self confidence and to find your target market. Nice guys won't find a match in parties or clubs where girls only want to get wasted and one night stands. You'll only get Forrest Gumped there.
Try to find women somewhere else -not girls. Saddest part is that matches for nice guys are becoming a rarity as times go by... and they'll probably have a kid or two.
This video is SO important in my opinion! Really great and I prefer this style over the usual one, too.
The real pain is when you just don't have the fkn nerves to deal with an arrogant "child", but you still need love (for you are a human).
#Geeeeeeeee
I wish my wife understood this... In my world it's all about trust. However, when a woman or a man has lost trust (due to past relationships), it is impossible. Serve all you want, you will be the punching bag... with some good times thrown in.
What is the typical age of a School of Life viewer?
32
Trey S. I'm 19
Im 22
Trey S. 20 me
30
Please keep doing these videos, you have the best channel in TH-cam.. Greetings from Costa Rica
You guys have a way with making me cry
This real actor video made it so much more intense than every video of School of Life before! This is so spot on and by far my favorite video of School of Life.
Fascinating. Thank you!
The feels ;_____;
This is a beautiful video. It relates to me on so many levels especially since I'm still reeling from a recent breakup. Thank you for this!
Love requires love back!
This touched my heart. Thanks guys 👍
So loving someone is being a mind reader then?
Gargoyle Senior lol'd
Why?
kinda yes. Google: body language
It's being in touch with your own needs and desires, enough so that you may be able to recognise the needs and desires of others, and make your best attempt at fulfilling them. We're all innately in touch with our emotions, it's just that most of us end up living lives that lead to us falling out of touch with them.
What a warm video! Great actors too !!!!
Loved it. love, the cure to it all.
I used to love this girl a while back. She was beautiful to me and perfect in every form. I used to message her and eventually she tookmore time to respond and started to say that she didnt see my messages. Eventually we stopped talking. I doubt she even remembers my name but i enjoyed her company and having someone message me first. I cried every night from May to December thinking of it things were different. I still miss her. 😭
Don't blame yourself and think that her drifting away was about what you did or didn't do, unless she specifically told you something that you subsequently ignored. If you and she were tight, and then not, and there was no conversation about it, then she just "evolved" into not wanting you. That hurts, but it wasn't about you doing something wrong. OTOH, there's no rule that says you can't hit her up and say hello. Perhaps she's more open now. And if she pushes you away again, you can respectfully ask why. Her answer might give you some closure.
I guess this requires to be telepathic. I think I remember some other video here that said to communicate better instead of this in an relationship.
Really good acting. I enjoyed this on a lot. a break from the usual format. Thanks for making it and posting it up guys!
hey, would you suggest some books? I love your videos and your taste in subject choice for them. I'd love to read your favorites
These are our favourite books:
www.theschooloflife.com/shop/the-school-of-life-library/
"In Praise of Love" by the french philosopher Alain Badiou is an excellent book about love too ;)
As someone who had the displeasure of dealing with someone like this for years I can tell you that it doesn't get better. There are people who will disregard your interests every time. They will wear down your kindness and deride you for having been kind in the first place.
It's okay occasionally but people who are regularly like this need to be surgically removed from our lives.
Your videos are often true in broad strokes or on a very simplistic level. I prefer your videos on philosophy or literature for that reason.
Great actress !
You have to make more of these ! It demonstrates how the principles can be applied and how it will look like if we behave in certain ways, therefore it gives me clues of what to do accordingly. Very helpful if you put this kind of real life videos at the end of each lesson as a quick recap.
It's like those buzzfeed videos, but made by an actually intelligent person and not a robot designed to generate millions of dollars in ad revenue.
Right when I was starting to get the feeling that your videos are falling into sort of the same speach (comprehension towards yourself/the other) this made me feel better. Not necessarily because of the video style, although it helps.
*LONELINESS INTENSIFIES*
I just want to say thank you for every video. I´ve learnt more about my relationship, my feelings, my parents, my life here than I think anywhere else... Thank you...
My last girlfriend would never realise i would try to help her.
HurtsEnd Don't get discouraged, some people learn and/or are taught that showing feelings and cuteness is dangerous for them and have a hard time accepting the things you probably wanted to grant her.
That's my father in law's case and he passed the awful things he had to learn being an orphan to his daughters. My GF's brother in law and me are having a hard time with them and it's a day to day struggle.
Don't be sad man, you are relationship material and will find someone to pursuit happiness with.
That was a very sweet video , keep the good stuff flowing , cheers
so poignant and brilliantly acted
This really meant something to me and made me think. Thank you
If i cooked for a women and she dissed me like this i would snatch my spaghetti clean out her stomach and leave with my pot of food. Don't get it twisted schooloflife, this is a result of this man treating this women to damn well and NOT of miscommunication
There is a point to when your partner begins to disrespect u because u show more appreciation for them than they show for u
There's ups and downs in a relationship, you can't expect to get treated like a king non-stop because neither can you treat her like a queen endlessly. No one's mood is on a straight path, everyone is sitting on a roller-coaster, some just have harsher turns than others (yes I just came up with this, no English is no my native lang that's probably why it sounds retarded). That's how I think about it at least.
A realistic scenario indeed. Generosity is one thing and taking advantage by being a leech is another.
Well said, guepard! Though I liked how the man stood up for himself, without being nasty to her. And that is important. It is one thing to be empathetic and generous and another to be a doormat... There is a clear difference and we need to find our own "thin red line".
+guépard sped
your comment is very well said. I'm not gonna lie i got mad after her comment on his food and left half way through. I'd like to imagine that every adult isn't that immature but i guess i am one of those immature adults
A brilliant contrast between "being admired" and "being loved." Thanks School of Life!
Who is that woman? She is gorgeous!😍
My favourite channel on yt uploads a video in which at the begining a lady is playing my favourite piano composition! It's so wooonderful
Over analysis in most 'relationships'= commonsense (actions) paralysis !
This is my favorite video your channel has ever put out. Very well done.
My eyes are leaking.
where do you guys gather all this wisdom for your videos? love it!
Thanks so much.
Which explains why love is dying. The current world is not made for generosity sadly.
A result based society, means its all about who is more selfish. So love dies.
Well done, School of Life! Your continual movement toward trying to help people understand how to treat each other is inspiring. This video, in particular, stands out because you provided specific examples of less-than-desirable behaviors in our significant other that we might otherwise view as attacks (and thus weakening the relationship) and specific examples of how to handle it (not taking the behavior personally and addressing our partner's need to feel understood even if our partner is unable to say what exactly is bothering them). It's not mind-reading as some commenters have suggested, but a generous appeal to our partner's innate need to feel as though we care. Perhaps you'll consider making a few more video examples along this vein? Also, perhaps a video or two on the inner dialogue that must occur to not take their behavior personally?
Thanks Amy. Yes, we have been cheered by how much people seemed to enjoy this film - and are currently imagining a whole series of films about relationships in this vein.
I think the girl is just having PMS 😂
janine canilang Yup😂😂😂😂
Great video. My favorite thing about this channel is how open minded it is. I love how I don't agree with every video, which gives me a new perspective on the subject of whatever the video may be talking about. This video for instance, its not that I don't agree with it, it's just that I've never even considered things to be this way. Keep up the good work.
she's cute
Transformation moments in a relationship are easily missed and misinterpreted; great video.
NOOOOO! go back to using the clever animation and British narrator! no live action stuff! that's one of the amazing things that set school of life apart from other similar channels! this was ok for a one and done but back to business as usual next time!
Simply brilliant. I was smiling the whole way throughout and also a little sad, but that oxymoron of emotion was wonderful. More like this guys!
I want to find love
I thought this was a fantastic break away from the normal style of video. Much more grown up and personal than the animated types. Well done.
Damn, they really act like children :/ Akward.
Daniel Ostaszewski rather than choosing the cynical side and viewing it as awkward, perhaps they are truly just like every one of us in that they were taught how to handle their feeling s a certain way and never stepped outside of that box. relationships get us out of that comfort zone, that's part of why we need generosity in them to keep ourselves afloat.
Crydra McLovin Not talking anything about that Cryndra but thanks :) I just pointed that if there is people acting like this guys in the video they need more than just comprehension, they need professional psychological help. They are really acting like grown up kids instead of grown up adults with necessities.
Of course I support genuine listening, comprehension and tolerance among couples starting with myself but for the people in real life acting like spoiled kids like in this video I wish they can find something more... like a professional help. They act really awkward :/
Daniel Ostaszewski I disagree. They're unsure where their priorities lay which makes them act like kids. Its not some thing that needs professional help necessarily because often we learn not to be brats from other people. that plus they're actors so duh, they're probably blowing this out of proportion so they can get the point across
Crydra McLovin Yeh. I guess they just blew it out of proportion to get the point. I'll stick with that agreement :)
Hug!
Agree. So much pouting and snapping.
I can honestly say that this is the most geniune and useful channels I've seen on TH-cam. Quality
This is good work. They say crazy ones are the ones that have changed the world. You - "School of Life" - you beautiful people you are changing the world in your own ways! Much gratitude.
When we understand how to translate and give a real meaning to complaints is easy to be emphatic, we may even recognize the story of frustration that put the loved one in that complaining position, but in many cases the other person can't see it, or don't want or don't care about that story, and they keep "attacking" us. We must educate each other to be self aware. Give the right conditions to express and knowing how to respond when we are in that position.
This is a beautiful and touching video. Got to the heart of what love and relationships are about. Love it.
I really loved this video!
In my very personal conlusion I would include that love requires confidence in both sides.
I've watched every one of your videos and somehow this just touched me so much, keep up this kind of content!
This truly hits home, thank you so much for this incredible video. It resonated so much with me
This is one of the best videos on your channel! Keep up the good work guys :)
Thank you for this video, there are times when we need to be reminded about this. It makes all the difference and gives strength to try and be better...
instead of requiring our partners to read our emotions like you would a child, we should learn to take responsibility for familiarizing ourselves with them and expressing them. That's growing up, right?
Your videos have helped me in my own relationship. Thank you The School of Life!
this is was such a heartwarming video. i'll now know how to react more appropriately to a partner's "failures".
I really like this new format of video !
Very cute video!
I believe that the messages of most of these videos is quite universal. Whether one is depressed or not, we could all be more forgiving and compassionate to each others actions and words. It is impossible to read minds but understanding that people are driven by behaviors that are sometimes rooted in childhood experience is an important part of being compassionate toward your partner.
I love your videos. It s a shame nowdays we find this kind of content so rarely
needed this! You guys rock
I think people need to find themselves spiritually first and go through some real deep experiences in life before even trying to be in a relationship. This is why 99% of relationships fail as most people are still spiritually, mentally and emotionally immature for something so extreme as commitment to one person for the rest of your life. We are all naturally born as free spirits, its society and culture that molds us this way.
The problem being is people don't truly love themselves and aren't at peace with themselves. If this is the case then how do you expect to love one another? If you are at peace with yourself what another does should not effect you.
Attachments and Expectations are the main causes of suffering and relationship problems.
hey school of life! great video again! Could we have a video on Derek Parfit? With his recent death and his fantastic life work in philosophy I would love to see a video on him!
... Assuming a measure of will to reciprocity.