Why Love Is Never As Nice As It Should Be
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 4 มิ.ย. 2024
- Our relationships are often not quite as warm and perfect as they should be. That’s perhaps because we’re comparing them with a relationship in the past to which they shouldn’t - in fairness - ever be compared.
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FURTHER READING
“One way to get a sense of why love should matter so much, why it might be considered close to the meaning of life, is to look at the challenges of loneliness. Too often, we leave the topic of loneliness unmentioned: those without anyone to hold feel shame; those with someone (a background degree of) guilt. But the pains of loneliness are an unembarrassing and universal possibility. We shouldn’t - on top of it all - feel lonely about being lonely. Unwittingly, loneliness gives us the most eloquent insights into why love should matter so much. There are few greater experts on the importance of love than those who are bereft of anyone to love. It is hard to know quite what all the fuss around love might be about until and unless one has, somewhere along the way, spent some bitter unwanted passages in one’s own company…”
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High expectations might make you prone to disappointment but it's the low standards that lead you into toxic and abusive relationships.
Thats true(about low standards that leads to toxic and abusive relationships) if you apply that also to yourself. Improve yourself to good enough standards and they wont get you into toxic situations even if you have low standards/expectation for others.
How do you find that balance!?
@@cleopetra87 Good question.
Firstly by general education in the field of personal development, and then to deepen those knowledge. You also need to develop healthy attitudes in regard to things, to whats of value, to people and life, for example to know when to give up to various things and people.
In short, to developed a healthy system of personal values(your limits, your preferences, you courage to express those limits, your needs, your likes and dislikes, etc) and to guide your life based on that.
Make no mistake - its a long road and if you do it by yourself its also hard, because you are walking blindfolded on an unknown road. The somewhat easy path it to consult a specialist, or many.
These are general guidelines in short reply. There is no personal and exact solution I can give it to you, that personalized system...its up to you to build for yourself, because only you know what are you limits, skills, etc.
@@ryutenmen thank you ☺
High expectations can make you prone to toxic abusive relationships too- if you keep in mind many psychopaths, narcs and manipulators usually appeal to a high standard and then become toxic and abusive a year or so later when they’re tired of the facade. I’d say this comment is a tad misleading. There’s truth here but that’s not always the case. It’s like saying “smart people don’t get in abusive relationships” it has more to do with the complex nature of humanity; psychology, habits, familiarity and sometimes even chance.
I KNEW GROWING UP WAS A TRAP SOMEONE STOP IT PLEASE.
Lmaoo
PETER PAN COME GET US !
My thoughts exactly 😂
I feel you
too late 💀 no resets
The perfect relationships are not real, but the healthy relationships are real and that's the one's that we should have
That's some wise words
Love one but do not overlap his or her life.
Great reflection!
Perfectly explained
It's a very wise phrase, but the fact is that almost anybody doesn't know how exactly "healthy relationships" look like and how to build such kind of relationships.
This is basically telling us to compromise because it's the "reality" of things; however, it must be pointed out that there is a fine distinction between love that is not perfect but is the real deal, and love that is not perfect because it's not really love. It's important to know how to differentiate the two, because if you just follow this video and think that this might be how things really are and you just accept your situation, then you are in for a toxic life experience you believe to be love.
@Un árbol It's up to you to decide that. Speaking about this concept of true love as if it's something objective and distinguishable is false
Rock and roll till you’re tired and then move on? That’s my philosophy anyway, and it took the stress out of relationships. Now it just so happens after 11 years I haven’t gotten tired.
@Un árbol Part of it requires self-reflection and recognizing you’re own personal problems/insecurities and learning how to improve them in a positive and healthy way. And also work on being patient, understanding, and avoid using insults and harsh language when you have an argument. And not quickly giving up when things get tough. Otherwise, you will create more barriers/work for you and your partner to build a happy and stable relationship.
The other part is you partner. When they become your best friend (have similar lifestyle, beliefs and values), and you know they love you even when you’re both angry and have disagreements, and you both learn to admit your own mistakes and strive to learn from them, and you feel safe with that person, that’s when you know it’s real love. And it takes time to get to that point, because nobody is perfect.
Man this philosophical shit is too much for me I just want to be not miserable
@Un árbol The answer is simple, actually. If you platonically care for that person and in any non-toxic way you feel deep wish to give them good stuff bc they deserve that - you love that person. Different thing is to understand yourself - if your "doubts" are just your self-defensive mechanism or is it something concrete about this person. And if you still struggle - there is therapy, where you will get a better understanding of things around.
'And your parents didn't talk about how hard it was to raise you."
Oof mine did all the time
they knew you would watch this vid one day!)
C'mon it's not existing anymore
Mine too. I wonder how that changes our dynamics.
Amber DreamWeaver don't fret, this video was way too simplified, even wrong.
Same here. On top of that my mom even told me that she didn't want to be pregnant so soon after getting married, and it was my grandma who convinced her to keep me.
School of Life: your bad childhood is why you have issues in adult relationships
School of Life: your great childhood is why you have issues in adult relationships
Akosua Boahemaa
Lmao 🤣
Exactly. There's no such thing as a relationship without issue. And even so, that doesn't mean it isn't love. :))
being adult is being complicated😂
School of Life: You have issues
😂😂😂😂
Having high expectations is keeping me single, any time I lowered them I ended up in something toxic or unsatisfactory with someone I didn't even click with that much
edit: so guys, we did it, I think I really found someone to spend my life with, it's only been 3+ months but it is so different compared to my past that I feel much more secure
Keep waiting. I've spent five years alone, four of these on dating apps. Until one day the magic happened. And I was so grateful that I wasn't in a luke-warm relationship, because I would have missed the opportunity.
@@fanthomans2 I currently have my best friend of years who I have a crush on and she has a crush on me but both of us are working on mental health so not making moves on purpose
You're lucky you didn't have to marry someone you don't love.😢
Aww this is all true
@@thefunkypet9402 no one has to marry anyone
Books have given me a probably unhealthy expectation of how relationships should be. My parents weren't really there for me growing up so I learned about relationships and how they work from reading about them and seeing them in tv and movies. To me the image of an ideal relationship is someone who understands me and still wants to be there for me even though I have a lot of emotional baggage. Someone who is like my best friend and I can talk to about our common interests and share my life with. And someone who is willing to be open and communicate with me about how they feel, I grew up watching my mom hurt her husbands and children and I don't want that for myself so I want someone who is willing to talk to me about how they feel. The only two ground rules I've set for myself and my partners is quality time and 100% open communication... But I guess that's too much for most people...
That isn’t too much at all. For many people it’s impossible, but there are definitely those out there who have learned to communicate, just keep looking for them! Trust like that isn’t built in a day, and no one is 100% good at communicating all of the time. But it’s somewhat easy to tell right off the bat if someone is able to share what’s bothering them or if they instinctively hide it. And some people who instinctively hide it just need some time and trust before they open up
That is absolutely not too much, it should be the standard and you deserve the kind of relationship you are looking for!
100% open communication is generally a terrible idea. Keeping on good terms with people requires diplomacy. This is not only also true for your partner, it is actually more true for your partner than any other relationship you'll ever have (work, family etc.). Because, ideally, you're stuck with your partner for the long haul, so just saying whatever you're thinking, unfiltered, to a person who's emotionally, physically and financially invested in you, will often cause chronic problems that you cannot fix
I disagree. If you have emotional baggage you should do your best to address it with professional help rather than bring it into a relationship. It sounds cute and idealistic, but no relationship will last with that kinda of strain. It's not fair to expect that out of anyone at all
Being 100% honest in a relationship is probably the best way to end this relationship.
There are two tragedies in life.
the first is not getting what you want.
the other, is getting it.
-Oscar Wilde
this quote is hitting me so hard right now. I was lucky enough to have a relationship with the woman I always wanted, but I ended up leaving her because I didn't know what I was getting myself into.
Alcaeus89 reminds me of this song by Fiona apple:
I wouldn't know what to do with another... chance
If you gave it to me
I couldn't take the embrace of a real romance
It'd race right through me
I'm much better off
The way things are
Much, much better off
Better by far
By far...
I wouldn't know what to say to a gentle... voice
It'd roll right past me
And if you chalk it up you'll see I don't really have a choice
So don't even ask me
I'm much better off
The way things are
Much, much better off
Better by far...
By far
So keep on calling me names, keep on! Keep on
And I'll keep kicking the crap till it's gone
If you keep on killing
You could get me to settle, and as soon
As I settle, I bet, I'll be able to move on
How can I fight
When we're on... the same side
How can I fight beside you...
Alcaeus89 do you regret leaving her? Would you do things differently?
Solution: don't want anything
@@martakoakowska9872 If you can manage to detach yourself that much then there would literally be nothing to live for. Which I guess is it's own tragedy of existence without purpose.
Moral: life is a tragedy.
I think some people struggle with figuring out whether their expectations are unrealistic or of they have a genuinely crappy relationship. Be cautious how far you lower the bar.
I dont know if my relationship is crappy or i just wanted too much... i dont know....
@@raziyababayeva I think it may go hand in hand. We DO expect too much from our partners. Sometimes what is simple and common sense to want and need is too much for them. At these moments we may have to just sit and suffer and just push through. Maybe even realize that we shouldnt need or want them as much as we do. They way you can tell if this is a good relationship or bad is the overall and distant view of it. In all the time you've been together, were they there for you, did they care for you, protect you and worry for you? If they get happy when you're happy (on a regular day, not an especially tough one) then it is a good relationship. If they manipulate you, care about themselves over you most of the time, if they feel good after controlling or manipulating you, then it's a bad one.
But if it's a generally good relationship and we keep telling ourselves that it's not up to par, then we create the toxicity that slowly destroys it.
Just my POV
@@shahanamaryam9465 maybe
@@shahanamaryam9465 but there is another type of relationship. When they care for you but at the same time abuse you. And it confuses mind and you get crazy. This is the relationship I was in.
@@raziyababayeva oh yeah. I'm glad you got out of that relationship. You're definitely better off!
For me it's the opposite way. I was so mistreated, now every time my boyfriend does anything nice, I'm never expecting it and I always get emotional... even for the most simple things like giving me a hug after a long day
me too oh god
I feel this big time
My girlfriend gave me a birthday present and I just cried inside from happiness
@@MartinGarden good for you, man! I'm still very happy with my boyfriend as well 🥰
Sign of a narcist
As babies there's no need to vent or express stress.
As adults, there are.
Communication IS key to a good relationship.
Asking your partner to take interest in you and listen to you is not too much to ask.
Human love is unfair and overrated in many other ways, but this one is a hill to die on.
Friends listen. Family listens.
So why should someone you choose to be with and sleep with get a pass for not needing to care?
Love is full of care.
I will listen to the problems of my child when they get older. Because I love them, and that love is full of care and if other people dont treat them with that same love, they will be booted out the door.
We should not settle for less than our worth. And we should teach one another that.
Life is much too short to be wasted on the garbage that walked through the door, stinking up the place, and causing our unhappiness.
Nobody should have to stay in a relationship full of Neglect.
Neglect causes loneliness.
And that's just plain abuse. Emotional and mental.
Babies do express stress, it’s crying.
Asking your partner to take interest in you is asking for the bare minimum. If your partner doesn’t take interest in you, you’re with the wrong person.
I don’t think that’s what they are saying. As babies we unload all our physical/emotional needs on our parents, and they don’t reciprocate that. They don’t expect us to tend to their emotional needs, and they have to either figure out what you need from physical cues or by asking you directly. And because we are growing up, we all have moments where we naturally revert to thinking of ourselves, especially as young, single adults who are trying to be independent and figure out their lives. It’s not necessarily that they don’t care or don’t want to listen, it’s more that way they may not have been taught specific relationship skills and need to communicate more to fulfill each others needs.
And also not quickly giving up just because you have a disagreement and their not immediately meeting your needs, whereas parents MUST fulfill your needs.
❤
This is truly deep.
I say get a dog, receive unconditional love.
I agree!!! I would get a dog if not for the money and space I would need. Ugh..
Agree 👍
My wife wondered why I wanted a dog !?
The one thing we love the most will be the one thing that hurt us the most, so i dont know what to do now
Get a dog to give unconditional love not receive unconditional love . Having a dog is so much work and money.
"We are sorrowful not because we've landed with the wrong person, but because we've been, sadly, forced to grow up."
@@dragonfairy22 Hi Skye.. With all due respect, "abstaining from orgasm", what a nonsense statement.. You cannot run away from yourself.. There is only benefits from experiencing orgasm.. Please do me a favor ; just take good care of yourself..
Agree. Always said once they took recess away, you don't stand a chance. We were forced to grow up and stop tapping into our innocence.
@@jjss8451 I agree with you JJ.
I agree...its happening rn getting kicked out of the house cuz im not good at school and ig that means im a piece of shit and ill never survive society , mom told me that👈
Maturing is a B____h!
Trust me, having parents that expose you to the stress they experience while raising you does not make finding love easier or more satisfying
He literally never made that argument 😂 don't hurt yourself over there
I think this relates to another theory I've seen presented by TED. They said, that part of the reason why we get cold and passive aggressive with our partners over time, is because the part of us that loves has remained a child. The rest of us grows up, but our heart still has the needs of a child. So every time our partner dismisses us, says they're too stressed to spend time together etc. we get hurt like we would as children. We have learned to ignore this as adults. But all these micro cuts lead to our heart reacting like a child would react. By hiding away, going quiet, refusing to talk. And the only way to start a conversation is to take care of that child in the other person. To take time for them, bring them nice snacks, snuggle with them, make them feel comfortable. And once you've done that, you can start the adult side of the conflict.
wow what TED talk was this?
What was it call?
In short, stop day dreaming about a perfect relationship
I feel like you know me.
stop telling me what to do ;(((
@@hasiq8044 then just ignore dumbass
It's true but normal people need a longer answer.
Omgggggggg
One day they will put a jumpscare in one of these videos.
HAhahaha OMG dude xDDd lmao
Don't give them ideas, Sebastian
slow down satan
plica06
get out of the internet
A scare caused by a sudden and unexpected loud noise, flash of light, anxiety inducing imagery or similar unpleasant sensation.
This is why I’m happy being by myself. Not interested on needing to be “completed” by anyone else.
Honestly me, I’m completely the same. Love is just the cherry on top of the pie of life isn’t it?
@Un árbol it absolutely is much better. The nerve wracking responsibility of relationships like that is not something I want in my life. Plus, when I do feel that occasional loneliness, I get together with my friends!
@@theonionqueen3519 it changes from person to person.
Aromantics for the win on this one
I wish I was Aromatic & asexual U_U Somedays it gets lonely but at the end of the day I don't want the baggage of relationship.
Yo, narator dude. How much would you charge me to read me a bed time story?
NumbersGame so Alain de Botton writes about 15 books, gives talks to crowds composed of hundreads or thousands and travels to different countries to do so while getting paid for it as well. plus cofounds this channel with thousands of viewings... I don't think you can afford it
NumbersGame hahaha, his voice is soothing. but same take a man to dinner first
Hello there Numbersgame! The "narrator dude" is Alain de Botton:-) He is a very beloved philosopher! One of the greatest thinkers of our time. Besides he is
the best " teacher of life" one can imagine:-) His entire work has a life changing quality. You can read his books, listen to his TED talks and watch his documentaries too. If you search for his name on Itunes you can find great interviews. The latest one is an " On Being with Krista Tippett" podcast, where he talks about love. Just download the unedited version. That's the most meaningful and profound conversation I have ever heard about love.
He has another youtube channel where you can find his documentaries. If you wish just search for the one called " Status Anxiety" or "The art of Travel" , to find that channel. If you want to start with one book, I would highly recommend " The Consolations of Philosophy". Have a nice evening:-)
Cool. Thanks for the info Lua
axelsaulean You must be sooooooooo fun at parties...
"They didn't for a second imagine that they could take their troubles to us or expect us to nurture them."
*Cries in childhood trauma*
felt that, sadly
Same, man. 🙃😞😭
Same. 💔 I experienced + saw this both at home, amongst relatives, and with some (but not all) of my childhood friends’ families. I realized early on it wasn’t right, at all, to do to kids. Yet knowing that only made it more of a challenge to deal with (on top of myriad other dysfunctions and abuses that were part of my upbringing) at the time.
I truly applaud those parents who refrain from treating their children like their therapists, bartenders, peers, etc. It takes a lot on the adult’s part, no two ways about it, but gives so very much (good) to the child(den) in the process. 💗
mood
Yeah honestly i HATE that. I'm your child, not your goddamn therapist
This describes a pretty specific problem when it come to reasons for being dissatisfied in a relationship. For someone who had stable, nurturing, emotionally healthy parents, this could be a factor - but even if that's a given, it's immensely difficult to be objective when it comes to evaluating whether your expectations are unrealistic, or whether your partner is not providing you with a reasonable level of emotional feedback and support.
I'm sure you address similar situations in other videos since your seem to have a million of them, but the defining factor is always going to be whether you and your partner can communicate clearly and respectfully about your needs. There's nothing wrong with wanting your partner's time or attention when they come home from work, no more than there's anything wrong with them taking some time to decompress. Can you navigate that conversation with honesty and respect? Can you say something like "I understand that you need some time to decompress, but could I get 20 minutes to talk after you've had a chance to unwind?", and can your partner say "okay"? Or would you tell him in frustration that he never pays attention to you and you don't know why you put up with this, and he calls you crazy and controlling and storms off?
I don't think there's anything wrong with expecting that your partner gives you time and attention. It's how that expectation is communicated and negotiated that makes the difference.
this is so perfectly said thank you! there's nothing wrong in wanting your partner to pay attention to you it's literally a bare minimum it's not really "asking" for too much. because if they love you they will make time for you regardless
This explains a lot of why my idea of love was so different from most of my peers in my teenage years. My mom in particular was constantly teaching me empathy, asking me how I would feel if someone did/said something to me things like that. She also wouldn't lie to me about her feelings if I asked so maybe not lean on but she definitely opened up at least. It taught me a lot about emotions and how we deal with them. And both my parents would let me take care of and watch by myself my younger brothers since I was about 8 and 11 respectively. I had (still do to this day) a deep love for both of them ever since they were born and wanted to protect and teach them. So I got to learn what can go into that, and they're younger than me by enough that I couldn't expect them to understand my needs or what I was going thru. I always thought it was strange when ppl around me talked about how if someone really loved them they would blank. And that blank was something like not being friends with ppl of the opposite sex, put up with my childish behavior when I'm in a mood, always let me vent about my problems etc. Another part of the problem was they also expected to not have to do those things for the other person. I've always had the expectation from my SO that we're both putting 100% into things and that neither of us put up with toxic behavior. If I'm unable to be completely honest with, criticize, and set boundaries with my partner I know it's not gonna work. And they have to feel comfortable doing that with me. My ex is still my best friend 2 1/2 yrs later and she's the only person I tried having a commited relationship with for a reason. Noone is perfect sure, but we don't enable toxic behavior in each other that's not love. In my opinion anyways. Sorry for the essay lol appreciate the read if you made it this far.
Criticism is a tough beast. It's necessary, but it can go wrong if not handled properly.
@@Orange_Swirl I always say it's about how you package things. You can say almost anything to almost anyone if you can package it in a way they will be receptive to. It's also abt balance, you have to uplift at least as much as you criticize.
@jakehero95 after u n ur ex split, how long did it take for y’all to become platonic friends, we’re y’all involved with other ppl romantically afterwards? And does it effect you in any way ? (Mentally, emotionally etc.)
@@tobia1147 for her not long for me I had to spend a lil less than 3 full months not seeing or speaking to her, which we talked abt beforehand. I don't want to paint an unrealistic picture of our relationship, it was hard sometimes and we had both been struggling with mental health and coping in different unhealthy ways. She broke up with me being unsure of our compatibility as a couple and wanted to live more life which I understood as I had way more time to do so not going to college after 2yrs while she was getting her masters in Architecture which is an insanely difficult degree in terms of the work load. It's normal for students to pull all-nighters and regularly be up until 2-4am. I didn't share her doubts but we were best friends first and I didn't think it was necessary to throw that away. Eventually I came to agree that we both needed time to grow before we should try again if that day ever came. She was with someone shortly after we broke up, abt 2 weeks. I knew it was coming as leading up to our break up she was honest as usual and told me she had felt attracted to a classmate, tho it still hurt as I asked her to give me some time before she saw anyone. How I felt was what solidified my decision to take some space away, and it was a very good one to make. We were fine once I came back to things and still as close as ever, tho I told her not to share details unless I asked. I eventually saw ppl as well but never quite long term or in a committed relationship, I just didn't see it with them. We did still have love for each other tho, as well as attraction. As time went on we were sometimes both single, and during those times we would occasionally be intimate. Sometimes more often than others. That was the case until recently. Unfortunately as I grew and began to overcome my mental health struggles, she would take one step forward in one area and two steps back in another. I don't know what exactly caused it but she changed and started being more judgmental and toxic. I tried to help her, to understand and still be there, to talk to her abt how I felt, and she just couldn't even listen always arguing and getting upset. It was all taking a toll on the mental health I had worked so hard to heal, she just wasn't treating me very well and was very negative in general again (which was something that had gotten better orginally when I was with her). A few months ago now she was abt to move for a somewhat short term job in Ohio. It wouldn't have been our first rodeo with long distance and before things changed we even talked of me going with since my work didn't hold me down. I took the opportunity to have a final talk with her and say I needed these things to change that this is what I want and to pls admit to things, and if in this moment she can't do that and say she wants the same then I need to take a step back unless that changes one day. She did finally admit she hadn't been a good friend, and that she didn't have love for me anymore like she used to (which I already knew she just wouldn't admit it before). But she continued to give excuses abt needing time to change and didn't share the same things I wanted anymore. I hadn't spoken to her for a few months but thought of her and what we used to have every day, until she hit me up asking to be acquaintances a couple weeks ago. This was essentially what she said during our last talk, and was still not what I wanted just would hurt and continue to remind me of what we lost. As for how it's affected me, greatly in terms of dating. I sometimes wonder if I'm too picky, and cautious with the speed I move relationships forward. She certainly wasn't perfect but she was the closest I've found to what I want, and the only one I know was always honest and didn't hide things from me. She wasn't like most ppl, as I'm often told abt myself. I couldn't help but feel if things didn't work out with her, then I need to be even more mindful abt who I choose to pursue things with. It doesn't help that I'm demisexual and need that close emotional bond to feel attraction. But I'm keeping an open mind and trying to figure it all out, and I still hope that one day her and I can be friends again. I don't really block ppl anyways so we're still able to get in touch. Anyways sorry for such a long response I'm sure that's not what you were expecting 😅 I wrote this before things changed and your comment made me realize I hadn't given enough detail to provide an accurate picture of our relationship and how things went. Thank you for reading if you do end up all the way thru 🙏
@@jakehero95 bro nah thank you for sharing i appreciate u deeply bc this is deep on so many levels for you
I’m asking bc I fell out with my first love back in February and we were best friends before as well but it was always distant so we would FaceTime everyday (throughout 2022) and Everytime we would meet/hang it would be extra special for both of us. The relationship was official for 5 full months but we were always exclusive even while we were talking and it was very well built on trust and communication but we’re both students studying at different colleges only about an hour drive away but I’m studying towards medicine and it was hard for her to deal with the lack of attention that I had to dedicate to my studies. 2/3 days after our fall out she very quickly moved onto someone that she felt was meeting her needs but he used her while she was hurting and that had ultimately killed the both of us. She’s moved on in the essence of romance but she feels she still needs me as a friend bc she knows how much value I carry and how much I’ve helped her in life but on my end, I suffer mentally because I can’t seem to move on and it always hurts me knowing that she moved on that quick and now she’s telling me things like “ofc I still love u, you’re the right man but came at the wrong time” meanwhile shes already moved on? Anyways, I thought a long time on how the friendship would effect me and it drains me mentally so for me I’ll have to block her to help me let go and focus on my studies, it does hurt me though because what we had was very special to both of us but we both made mistakes, mine in terms where we could have worked some things out but hers killed us.
I haven’t made the decision to say bye to her officially just yet but I saw a handful of similarities in our situations it’s helped me understand and make more sense on what’s best for me to do with mine. I appreciate u dearly bro and wish u the very best going forward 🤞🏾🙏🏾
Because we are delusional about relationships, one thing to blame are movies books and popular media in general.
I agree...he has many videos explaining that it is romanticism that kills many relationships.
Except they also show Discussions, Problems, Hardships and Drama...hence your statement feels kinda false in general, not all media that covers Love is like Twilight and crap. Most of them show reality, Problem is that they seem to show only the reality of their times and circunstances, Not the Reality of your Life, Culture and Situation, Althoght you COULD apply what you read for your Life though
You don't have to believe such non-sense. I don't. The question is: why do you?
Real love is not worth fighting for in this age. We don't need it anymore. Romantic, unconditional love would be worth it, but it doesn't exist.
@@alexander5940 It does 😊...
You are right. In the world real love is dead. But God is love🤗. Outside of Him, it is impossible to love for real.
He loves you😚🙄
Read 1 Corinthians 13:13
Honestly, relationships are hard. Damn hard. It's simple to develop myself when it's just me doing the work, but when there's two complex human beings... and it's not only about their personalities but their feelings too... it's a mess. Communicating takes a lot of bravery and leaves me vulnerable. Being in a relationship is one of the most challenging things I've ever gone through.
Oh how true 👌🏻 You reminded me of Rilke - "It is also good to love: because love is difficult. For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation [...] Loving does not at first mean merging, surrendering, and uniting with another person, it is a high inducement for the individual to ripen, to become something in himself, to become world, to become world in himself for the sake of another person; it is a great, demanding claim on him, something that chooses him and calls him to vast distances."
maani bee If Rilke was alive, I'd shake his hand and say "Thank You". Instead, Thank you, maani bee for sharing this quote
yngv1 I completely agree with you. I have learned more about myself in my current relationship than I ever have while being single.
Midnightarrival7 You can be in love with someone even though the relationship isn't easy. Why would I break up with someone I love just because communication can be challenging? I'd be alone forever, since it has less to do with the feelings I have for someone and more to do with my own emotional/social hold-backs. I hope you realize how lucky you are.
I think in my case specifically. I came into my relationship with some growing up to do in different ways (very personal). My boyfriend did as well. It has been hard because I had to learn how to be more comfortable with my own feelings, how to be intimate (which I'm still working on) and the hardest, how to be vulnerable. My boyfriend is comfortable being vulnerable, where as I am not. It has been hard for me because I had to face a lot of my own "demons"and problems. I've had to make very hard decisions. Im so happy that you and your man were on the same page (and hopefully one day my bf and I will get there) but for others it takes time to work up to that stage. I love my bf and working hard for our relationship is worth it. We don't have a bad relationship and working hard is making our relationship better every single day.
Remember kids love is not a feeling. It’s a commitment.
Perfect statement!
A perfect relationship requires two partners to become one against the odds of the world. But many people just don’t have a sound frame of mind for it. They are either too selfish, not dedicated enough, materialistic, all kind of things that will hinder a feeling like love. I’m a perfect relationship, the flame does not fade with time. It gets stronger.
Whenever I'm feeling disappointed by my boyfriend, I like to remind myself of this quote from Irvin Yalom: "Mature love is loving, not being loved." By focusing my attention on the act of loving my partner instead of the sensation of being loved myself, I find that I'm able to avoid being let down by my own unrealistic expectations of how love ought to feel. Simply seeing my partner happy becomes its own reward and, if the relationship is healthy, I can trust him to reciprocate the affection and understanding I've given him.
Megan Tron That is exactly what I'm going through with my bf. There may be some people who say that he will start to get used to being loved and will mistreat you, but that's just not true if he truly loves you. He may still disappoint you, but that disappointment exists because you have the expectations which you maybe shouldn't have. Instead you've learned to love with no expectations, which is a far greater achievement than the majority of society has achieved.
Megan Tron you're amazing and give me faith and hope that there are others that understand that love isn't constantly being loved but the act of trusting somebody to catch you when you make yourself fall and vice versa. Like two planks falling unto each other and forming a triangle, a stronger structure than the individual parts by themselves.
I wish my ex had heard that quote. She had some quirks that ended up being kinda irritating like in the early stages she gave gifts unexpectedly which was nice but I was happy enough to just spend time with her and did not expect gifts so early in the getting to know each other stages. Which led to her getting upset when I didn't get her gifts straight away at a time when I was still getting to know her and figuring out what she likes. It hurt that she didn't trust that I would reciprocate when I knew what sorts of things she liked or would find useful.
She thrived on getting on her high horse when she felt her needs were not being met while also being too stubborn to communicate what her needs were because in her mind she would doubt the sincerity of whether her needs were being met because her partner cared enough about her or whether they were doing so because they were told to. Nevermind the fact that a person would only want to do so because they cared about their partner and their needs and that mind reading should not be a prerequisite for caring about someone.
Siddharth S exactly
Megan Tron Wish I could say the same
"All we had to do to please them [our parents] was to exist."
Man, if only it were that simple...
Guess they don’t have asian parents
Unclassified - for real haha I have asian parents. They love me though and I feel bad for disappointing them at any point, but yeah kids definitely have to do more than just exist to please their parents..
@@lizbeth-2702 Not necessarily only Asian. All narcissistic parents demand perfection from their children. Narcissists are unable of unconditional love.
@@lizbeth-2702 I have balkan parents and a smartass that is my older brother naturally the expectations are high for me but all they're gonna get is a mess of a human
Mysikrysa That’s right.
My parents have been married 30 years and while they’re sick of each other, it’s clear that they have a lot of love between them. Relationships aren’t perfect, but they can be great!
they are sick with each other??? it's not love honey 😭
@@sleepyash00 that’s love man
@@sleepyash00 love and hate relationships are very common in wife and husband type things
"Sick of eachother"? That sounds very boomer "i hate my spouse" routine...
If being 'sick of each other' is what we see as love and the best a relationship can hope to be I'd rather stay single.
We are sorrowful not because we ve landed with the wrong person, but because, we ve sadly been forced to grow up. You can actually feel this line.
"We were a baby, we're an ADULT now."
Wow. I feel attacked.
If it goes wrong, explain it, behave like an adult, don't be cherishing conflict🆘🚩🔥✅💲
Must be nice having loving parents
Are u okay?
People who do often don't realize how lucky they are. It's considered the norm.
To be honest it actually feels great.
I just wish mine would say " kid you did a great job, I'm proud of you "
Fuck money, fuck food, I can take care of those on my own. I just want some love, and appreciation.
huggsss
Because love takes work, it takes compromise, patience and understanding, and I don't care who you are, you don't start out knowing everything about your significant other, and you're not always going to agree with someone's methods no matter how ethical it may seem to that person, love takes work, plain and simple.
Romantic relationships seem to be the most complicated thing on earth, yet the majority of us are always searching for them.
My personal problem is (open and honest) communication. It's often been said that men don't communicate enough, but I disagree. In my personal experience it's often women who can't communicate. It's either "fine" or "okay" and it frustrates the hell out of me. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU REALLY THINK OR FEEL! I can't read minds!
Anyway, I needed this video today.
Peter that's exactly what I'm going thru right now. I can't read her mind nor can I be asking her to talk. I'm very outgoing and extroverted she's shy and quiet. We've been having alot of augments lately
I tell her how I feel she also does. But we're both tired
I swear it's hard to talk to women when they used those kind of words, it's like they expect me to know what she meant without the need to explain
I don't think it's a gendered thing. I had the same issue with men. It's due to unhealed trauma, irrespective of the gender. It's due to poor social and emotional intelligence. They were probably raised in a way that made them not feel safe to say how they truly feel. That's trauma response.
I had a man who would hide like anything and never say what he felt or thought. He would say riddles and string me along because he liked the power it brought to him.
These were trauma responses or avoidant behaviours.
I pray we all work on ourselves and heal.
@@skyejacques that's very true tho every situation is different
While I love this video, on the flip side, I also think it's extremely important to know when you're truly not receiving enough love from your partner despite an immense amount of love you give.
Abusive or neglectful relationships are often one sided, so while I agree with this video, it's also important to know how much love you deserve.
And how do you know that? How do you know if you’re actually not receiving enough love and not overthinking things ? Genuinely asking
How much love does one deserve? Seems like a slippery slope towards expectation and upset. If an infant cannot satisfy what we deserve - at what point does it become mandatory for a child or adult? What of the idea that we are free to give but actually don't "deserve" anything in return? Perhaps we are free to shape most relationships to be beneficial and are free to leave most of the relationships when they are not.
what is the metric for "enough"....
"how much love you deserve"
what.the.fuck.
sick.
They probably have a video for that too!!!
How to have a perfect relationship:
1. Focus on becoming truly healthy with therapy and introspection.
2. Surround yourself with healthy people who inspire you and respect your healthy boundaries.
3. Click with one of those people after becoming friends first.
4. Practice really hard at having good communication with them. Avoid imagining what they're thinking (just ask) and avoid making them guess how you feel or what you want (just tell them).
5. Keep working and growing with them.
I can guarantee you CAN find a perfect relationship, but it starts with you, not them.
In a world where getting any relationship is impossible you're talking about fairytale fantasy of perfect one.
If a women is not disgusted by a thought of sleeping with me and will show at least some affection once in a while, and is not disgusting to sleep with - its a huge win.
I am 28. 7 years no relationships. Women are just not interested in me at all. Yeah, my mistake - i am not super rich or superhandsome or living interesting life, i get it. But stop talking than about "perfect" and "saving" and stuff. You handsome and interesting, you got relationship - stop fucking whining. How fucking hard can it be to maintain it, jezuz. Just fucking do what you did so that women started to be willing to fuck you, get back in gym, read books, use body lotions or whatever, start skydiving again or whatever interesting you did.
@@tabularasa6666 I'm confused on a number of levels by your response because:
1) I'm female
2) my husband isn't rich
3) my husband is not traditionally handsome
I just went out actively looking for people who made me feel comfortable, not making me walk on eggshells. Then one of those people turned into a relationship.
My husband was 28 when I met him, so maybe don't lose hope? Your pretty hard on yourself. You also assume women are all about appearances and money... 🤢
Well maybe you can find someone with whom things will be very nice but it doesn't mean that you will. Afterall there are 7 billion people in the world and there may be someone out there who would be more suited for you but what you are suggesting takes constantly going to meet ups and social events which can be exhausting for many. To increase your chances of meeting a better suited person for you takes meeting more people. You never spoke of this, you only mentioned surrounding yourself with those kinds of people. How can people surround them with such people if they have to actually get out there and try to meet them first? This is an important part of this which you avoided. Plus you spoke about relationships and this means that if you are a guy then there is an added pressure there to talk to girls first and initiate some kind of interaction because they are unlikely to do so. You are a woman and may not quite understand this. If you are a guy and go to a meet up and event and don't start talking to girls that are there and of course if you don't ask for their contact details then the chances are that even attending meetups will go nowhere. If you don't have the contact details then what is the point. They are unlikely to show interest and ask for yours if you are a guy
This is a fairy tale ☝🏾
@@itoshiibaka8267 thank you
I was in a relationship for 7 years, she slowly started to distance herself from me. It’s been three months so far, I didn’t want what we had to end I truly did love her but, at this point she couldn’t even look me in the eyes. I tried my best to make her happy but, the entire thing was like the video stated. I was constantly working, she towards the end was never home and whenever she was, she was on her PlayStation talking to her friends. I tried to get her to go on walks and whatnot but she always had the same response “I’m tired babe”. I spent countless nights falling asleep on my own. It hurts, even my nephew keeps asking where she is(he’s 4) heart break is one of the most painful things you can go through.
I broke up w/ GF of 7 years myself. It happened for its own reasons different from yours of course, however, heartbreak is quite a thing. However hearts heal. I just want to try to encourage you heal and find healing. Whatever it is that you do to make it happen. It is a hard journey, but you can get it done, just believe and do the work. Believe in the love you have in yourself and it’ll shine through… hopefully this helped.
A perfect relationship only exists in movies and books, but seeing the people around me fall in and out of relationships really taught me that in order to have a decently healthy and happy relationship we must set boundaries with our partner and only pick a partner based on compatibility. Know what you want to do in life and what your partner wants to do in their life and then you can grow and learn from each other. If you don’t set boundaries and spend way too much time together or become too reliant on each other then that can call for a lot of conflict and misunderstanding. Basically a good relationship starts with loyalty, trust, respect, utter love and setting healthy boundaries.
Growing up, I used to hear my parents fighting about adult stuff all the time after they put me to bed. When my husband fights with me about our adult stuff, I feel he reminds me of my dad. Because it is very similar to what happened to my parents. Becoming an adult, falling in love, getting married and having children is the hardest job we'll ever have. It takes us a lot of effort, patience, understanding and enlightenment to get through it. Thx 4 this video.
It's hard because it's not just your job. Reproducing is the ultimate goal of life, that's what your 6 million-years DNA lives up til this day to do.
@@kohakumina484 so true.
But also, you don't have to grow up, get married, or have children.
Personally, I'll never get married or have kids. Even if I ever wanted one, there's so many in adoption who need homes that it would seem irresponsible to make more.
I just feel like thinking that it's the only choice isn't fair to yourself.
@@EC-jd9ej having children, even if they're adopted, still is a very hard job. And we still have the responsability to give them the best life we can give. And if you decide to do all that by yourself its gonna b even harder than it is with a partner.
More reason for me to not seek love. Thanks.
Unfortunately, some dysfunctional parents DO expect their children to nurture them. It is an abusive practice.
My parents. This is partly why the relationships I’ve had later in life have been so messed up.
True.
In my case, my parents didnt want me and I was always required extremely correct behaviour to get attention, or either, not to be criticised as badly.
I had to do my best to get some minimum emotional reward...
It was good because now I am mature and not egocentric at all, but this video made me realise I am asking my partner to put effort into being his best 24/7 and criticising each time he relaxes a bit. Because this is what I learned love was about, making the hugest effort possible, for everything,so you don't annoy or get in the way of anyone, specially your loved one.
It was a huge lesson. I was indeed expecting something my parents always gave me, but it is not attention or nurtiring, it is rather disaproval. My boyfriend almost never disapproves my behaviour, nor anyone's so I feel something is wrong and that he doesn't care enough to "correct/educate" me.
Weird.
Human minds are weird.
Then the child seeks out rships with others that repeat this experience. Nuturing, but not getting nurtured.
In my case. I fall for people who fill the whole my parents never could. I fall for people who are attentive, caring, loving and patient. Its good. But at the same time i can get very frustrated if they cant keep up with my emotional demands. Its basically like being a child. Except. Theyre filling the whole. Theyre doing what i needed to be done to me from the start.
its surprising how many problems in our life can be better handled just by an ample amount of self love
Being raised by narcissistic parents, I don't know what to expect from being in a relationship. I've found myself falling for the wrong ones because it feels right at home
Honestly, who ACTUALLY had a childhood that was this nurturing and sheltered??? :-/
"If things were reasonably well..." he said, didn't he?
I'm sure there are plenty of people who had the very fortunate occurrence of having great parents.
Lots of people, fortunately.
Honestly, having had an abusive and neglectful parent was fortunate, in a way, because it prepared me for the selfishness that's present in most people that I would have been startled by later on in life inevitably. I was disenchanted and non-romantically heartbroken by my own parent, which helped me to grow up and mature fast, mentally. It's not all bad. I'm grateful to have the mindset I do now because it prepared me for the disillusionment that takes place at some point regardless of who did it. Isn't this what being an adult is, anyway? Realizing that the world isn't the Disney movie we thought it to be?
I had. It made me selfish. 7/10 experience.
Everyone has three faces. The one they show to the public, the one they show to close friends and family, and one that is shown to no one.
Or to the internet and thats why we are here
th-cam.com/video/bTTuIr4vnE0/w-d-xo.html
@@willpower3367 wow the handful of cheaters that you've found truly reveal the inner depths of all women ever
I salute your intellect sir
I get the one that is shown to no one 😳
@@willpower3367 well aren't you a fucking hero for partaking in the home wrecking. Truly sir I'm sure you bang the infidelity right out of them. That doesn't make sense? Yeah neither does your comment
Conclusion: avoid love, there is no winning
If you are always worried about winning, life isn’t that much fun for you is it .
Heal the traumas and be free. That's the first step. Then, love yourself and your inner child fully and unconditionally. Then magic will happen ☺️
This was so enlightening. I never viewed love from this perspective but it makes so much sense from both polar opposite perspectives. The partner who comes from a loving home and the partner who comes from a totally neglectful or negative home/parenting environment may still end up.unhappy or in a toxic relationship. It is definitely about balance which includes self-discovery, self-discipline, and, simply put, time.
I agree that no relationship is ever perfect. However, a bland type of “love” is not something I can ever settle for, no matter what. Most relationships I had were unique and positive in various ways. But the best ones were with a partner who SINCERELY loved me...even when we had our downs, I knew they still cared about me, no doubt. You know you’re in the right relationship when your partner is going through a tough time and is too depressed to show you lots of affection, but you can just TELL that they still love you because of how they use their nonverbal communication. You can see it in their eyes. So you love them and give them all your sincere support because they still welcome it. That’s HUGELY different than when your partner grows distant because they feel like “the deed is done,” and the relationship “served its purpose,” and they don’t show that they care about you because they really actually don’t care anymore. This video is saying that it’s unreasonable for us to expect a deep, rich, and beautiful love from someone...but TOO LATE! I already felt that rich love with more than one person...and now that I know it’s possible, why would I EVER settle for less? I don’t expect perfection, but if love is what I’m searching for, LOVE is what I intend to find. Not some apathetic bullshit.
What brought the relationships full of true love to an end?
@@TheAkenox lol
Fabian expiry date
@@TheAkenox love isn't enough. You need to be compatible, especially in your love language. You need to have really good communication and compatible life goals and needs. So many factors can make you love someone who isn't the right fit for you.
This is a philosophy channel, not a dating advice channel.
We should separate feelings from reality, but that's hard when we think our feelings are based on reality.
That's like saying we should know we're hungry without the feeling, or sad without the feeling, or happy without the feeling. The feeling is what makes our thoughts real to us. You can't have one without the other.
It's more like saying that hungry is the feeling. Not the need for food itself.
And so, with feelings like love. You might feel like your partner doesn't love you, but that does not necessarily mean he/she doesn't. Our feelings come from our observations, and observations are not the whole truth most of the times. It's just a part of the story, that we feel as if it were the whole. Which makes the clear distinction of reality and feeling.
Aldo Feelings are not thoughts; they are emotions. Emotional intelligence is the ability to feel one's emotions but not be controlled by them, and using thought stops that happening.
Idk how to do that but I want to
Pac Man Mindfulness practice is a good idea. It alleviates, and can dispel anxiety. Also sleeping on a decision helps too. In all, you can rely on your faculties, whilst realising they are not infallible. So take your time when you can do so. Talking things through with someone you trust helps too. Learning to listen is important too. It's not easy as we aren't always paying attention or are busy second guessing what is being said, instead of listening. You need to be present, calm, and attentive. Emotional intelligence has to be learned but pays dividends in all areas of one's life because it enhances one's understanding, and makes you more emotionally resilient.
"Love supposed to be lovely."
How simple and true...
Love is written in our heart’s dictionary by those who were tasked with loving us. Everyone’s definition has some variation. My only issue with this video is that it’s not about what love we get - but what love we can give. And the key is - we have to love ourselves first before we are truly capable of loving another.
Relationships are never going to be perfect, but I think the best way to have good ones is communication. Also I hope we stop comparing ourselves with the 'goals' pictures of couples on instagram and social media. It's just the highlights so please don't feel bad if you don't have something like that, find happiness where you are ♥
Yumi Social media ruins relationships and causes depression
Yumi You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.
Tell em Yumi, everyone seeks perfect relationship but never realize that it takes great deal of consideration, communication and emotional intelligence to possess something even remotely close to that desire.
Yumi, you girl get it.
sound like me dont have pic in social network but im ok. so sometime worry about other dont know we are couple and we are far see once a mount. most im happy when not expect but sometime i have a little worry so.. i think i just make a good time now and i know someday we will end .
I haven’t cried so much ever in my adult hood . 31 years old and all I desire is to be love. I don’t have a problem loving, is receiving it. Sometimes you just want to be held tight and get a forehead kiss. Man I am so sad. So fucking sad ;-(
@Nishi Upadhyay nothing has changed. As I type this I am in the same position as I was 3 years ago. The battle, my battle is loving myself first… that’s the problem. I keep making the same mistakes. Don’t be like me…
Mimi, I am truly sorry to hear that. I don't think 31 years is that old at all! Get out there and meet new people, I'm sure there are lots of people out there who would love to be with you:)
@@Vesamude Have you made progress in terms of self love? What mistakes do you keep making? And I think you can do it. Be your best self. Be someone that you would want to hang out with. One small step at a time you can change yourself. Be that tiny bit better than yesterday. And over time, your accumulated efforts will make you into a better person. Then when you are able to love yourself, you will have a different vibe about you. It will be easier to meet new people, and have them be interested in you and then you can build friendships and relationships from there. Do you have a friend that you could ask for a hug?
@Mimi Museau l hope the best for you 🙏 l hope you find the happiness 🙏
@@Vesamude get love from your mom then
This really spoke to me. I had a great childhood. Full of love and happy memories. I feel much more equipped to handle my relationship after watching this. I finally understand a little better why I am the way that I am.
Thank you, truly I thank you.
This straight up explains why I had to end my 8 year relationship. So many friends and family couldn't understand why it ended, and I've struggled to put the reasons into words. Truly a "eureka" moment.
Wow that must have been a real relief for you, been in love with the same girl since I was 5. She’ll never feel the same and I just need to get over it.
Damn that was really deep ...
MrAndr144R welcome to school of life
Romeo Quintus you must have never had a romantic relationship
Knee deep. It gets a whole lot deeper if you really want to look at it.
The problem with love is that it leaves you vulnerable to manipulation.
Calvin vet them
Calvin That is true in some cases, however, if you trust that person that you are with, you can only trust that they will not try to manipulate you through your emotions and if they do, you may not be with the right person.
Not really a problem, but a risk you have to take, I believe.
You said it! The things you say or do can and will be used against you when deemed appropriate.
@@jeffreystern5886 should not be a problem if you are a man of your words
The best advice you can get is
Being loved isn't free, you have to love in return
If you expect them to talk to you when you're down, you should talk to them when they are
And both shall learn that you need to say what you need from them. Noone can read your mind but they can learn your needs over time if you voice them out
Love isnot about perfect couples being the best its about accepting your lover despite their flaws and your disagreements and helping them progress as they help you to do the same its like a partnership for life
Adult relationships are too abstract, when in need of something, just say it!
Horia Ioan it's too tricky to speak it out without looking like a bit needy
zita meoba and that's the problem we have with society. what happened to just bring yourself and not caring about judgement. u show emotions and ask for stuff....ur needy. u act cold and carefree.... they fall head over heels for u....smh
Absolutely correct.
The problem is, when you are in need, you are in need. That's the point. The prerequisite to this is placing yourself in such a loving space that the person you are seeking from will most likely understand your request and be delighted to fulfill your request.
zita meoba how do you feel being comfortable with someone that you are afraid for them to see you as needy? If you cannot open yourself to that extent to that particular person then you shouldn't be with that person.
am I the only one that gets a kinda Freudian vibe from school of life videos?
You'd be right to... Even more so, Donald Winnicott.
Nope.
Christian Hansen I thought so too
The School of Life hmmm,after watching your video on him and a quick wiki. I see your point. Thanks for introducing me to someone new
I very much agree. I find School of Life to become a channel that proposes problems that I didn't know I had, about how messed up life is because of my happy childhood. Thanks mom and dad!
There’s a great book that was recommended to me by my best friend. It helped me understand the different ways people demonstrate love but also what type they subconsciously hope for in return. If the love is not received the way they themselves show it… then they end up feeling disappointed and even resentful with their partner. Incredible how both partners can be showing love in their own way and still feel unloved! “The 5 Languages of Love” - by Gary Chapman.
Best explanation for expectations and reality of a relationship. Simply put you can never get as much love from your partner as from your parents. Parents are irreplacable.
Interesting! Though I think expecting someone not to ignore us on the regular, ask us about our day or put down the cell phone and pay attention to us is perfectly reasonable. Otherwise you have a housemate, not a relationship.
Agreed!!!!
This is my life at the moment he is not showing up at all in my life we are making no memories together
What is missing here is how hard it can be for someone who isn’t your parent to love YOU. People are exhausting, all people, meaning I and meaning you - so depending on the nag you are on a regular basis it might be actually quite the chore to pay attention to you.
The video is asking you to be humble, overestimate your flaws and Grant grace to your partners
@@realSimoneCherie rather rude to call someone you don't know a nag
@@realSimoneCherie I'm someone who's extremely, almost pathologically reclusive and who always prefers being alone. And even I can see that your comment is bullshit. Expecting your partner to sometimes ask you how your day was or look at you during interactions or not ignore you constantly which the OP seemed to suggest doesn't make you a "nag". Those are literally the LOWEST possible expectations that you can place on your romantic partner. Otherwise why are you in a relationship with them in the first place? Sex? Because you can easily get that without actually being with someone. Are people's standards really so deep in the gutter...
I never expect to be understood by those I love, but I always try to understand those I love. If I judge love by early childhood's standards then, just like a child, I'll always be left wanting. Thank you, SoL.
THE JEWS ARE TAKING OVER THE WORLD!!!!!!
+rainopaino Oh shit bro there's one behind you! :O
I’m 24 and I realized I had someone who loved me so much, but I did not understand what it really meant to be loved.. I felt like it took so much time to realize the good that I had and abused (not physically, meaning took advantage of the love). Every person after her was just me trying to find her and complete the things we had planned.. I appreciate you posting this! I’ll make sure my inner child is loved too!
don't live the rest of your life trying to chase after something or someone that was in the past. If you do that you might miss out on other good things and people that might not remind you of the past you had, but might have been better for you instead.
Everyones’ expectation of love is different, and we should find a partner that shares the same expectations so everyones’ needs are met.
I find my trouble is the opposite. I love to love. But I come off as too clingy. I have to pull back how much I live someone, which makes me want to show it more. Ultimately resulting in me feeling like they don't reciprocate.
find a clingy partner
@@morphkogan8627 don't know if my reply actually posted. But yeah I found someone like that and she did what they always do. "Let's just be friends teehee bye!"
@@Malhaloc damn. hang in there friend
@@Malhaloc that’s what you get
@@LilXancheX username checks out, stop being a whiny 13yo or an incel on the internet and be nice to other people, theres literally no reason at all to be mean
4:05 hit really hard... When you come from a very good home you really don't think about how hard it was for your parents to create that for you until you're old enough to see what could have been. Thanks, mom❤️
My mom created such a good childhood for me, despite my dad being an uninvested jerk. He went to work and paid for things, but that's about it. I never knew what he was like until I became an adult. Mom made it everything else, and even the house where my friends always wanted to be. I like to tell her thank you for giving me those good memories and for never letting me doubt that I was loved.
my parents both fucked up my childhood really bad, damn fuck this rng
This was sad yet vey wholesome. There is so much more to love than we can simply explain. We are given this information and the rest is up for us to understand. And that’s a good thing. I will be recommending this to more people.
That video was a lot better than I thought it would be. A very mature, balanced look at love, a subtle slap around the ears for us all to remind us that with great freedom (being an adult) comes great responsibility (and therefore effort, work, sacrifice etc). I've studied relationships, love and the many facets of both for much of my adult life, yet I still learned, or perhaps fully uncovered, some useful tidbits, hints, tips and downright good info from this video. If even half of the 141k people who watched this made a positive changed to their lives, to the way they think about love and relationships, and made their relationship with their other half healthier and truly loving, this world might actually stand a chance...
I don’t really fully agree with this one. If your partner isn’t meeting your needs you shouldn’t be with them. Especially if you’ve had conversations on the matter
Exactly right
Yes, it really depends on a lot of factors, but you have a right to have your needs met with your permanent partner.
bet you dont have a gf
A long term relationship goes up and down, sometimes either partner is stressed and can't give all they usually do, so the other should jump in, and vice versa. To expect the other person to always be "on" is unrealistic, since life can get hard at times. Partners are supposed to help each other as much as enjoy each other's company. We are all only human, not perfectly programmed robots and even they glitch lol
@@lise4369 what if I manage to always be “on”, even during hard times?
Tldr: most people expect their significant other to love them unconditionally i.e. Mother's love, which the partner can obviously not provide.
Why would you just make me sad like that
I believe there are times you have to love unconditionally. For example, you cannot truly love your child if your love towards him is conditional. That kind of behaviour would make any child lose the right path.
I love my partner practically unconditionally
This resonates pretty deeply. My parents didn't always hide struggles though. I've had some relationships where I've argued that, this isn't your parents relationship, it's ours and it's different.
I don't believe this to be true. Yes, my parents really loved and cherished me but it actually had a positive influence on my other relationships. This is because I grew up subconsciously looking for the positive traits of my parents in future friends and partners. They taught me what love should look and feel like. As a result, I never tolerated bad partners for long. Now, I am engaged to a great guy and let me just say a relationship like the one in this video is a bad one. Me and my fiancee, we listen to each others day (no matter how bad our days have been or how tired we are) and if I tell him that I want him to use a bread knife to cut bread, he does it because he cares about my wants and needs.
One day of summer vacations in my mid-teens I was on my grandparents house. They had a somewhat big argument about something I don't remember, but the important thing was that after the discussion my grandfather and I went out to the garden, where he told me "Oh your grandmother... everyday I love her more" They had more than 40 years being married. For me, thats one of the faces of love.
I suddenly feel way more respect for my parents...
VEC7ORlt i suddenly feel way respek for muh partners
The truth hurts so, so much, but this is the kind of video that truly gives me back my well-deserved peace. Thank you! ❤
I've learned many things here. 🙂
When we're child, the love that we experienced modeled our views in a romantic relationship at some point, but there's no way that one size fits all, since when we're child, we have egocentrism, while it should not be the case, because the love requirement in a serious relationship requires maturity.
I thank you for this sir! I'll take note of this! I know I have lots of things I need to learn when it comes to having this, and I can accept that fact. 🙂
So basically we're all spoilt brats.
I know many Chans who are brats... hmmm chan and brat, it rhymes
please dont become a poet Jeff ;p
thank god the japanese are developing virtual digital love partners... phew, we're saved.
Sakhile Padi right
parents don't get the raw end of the deal... they get so much dopamine and oxytocin released that we are literally a drug dealer. not to mention a punching bag or source of entertainment. parents get a lot out of it whether or not it is exploitative.
That went Freudian quickly
Vincent Oak I'm thinking the same right now since I'm a social sciences student
Vincent Oak and i profoundly disagree with his bullshit theories.. Oedipus's complex and thar ego shit
*****
I don't know. I mean I have a penis and it's great. Vaginas tend to get unpleasant for Thier owners at least once a month so I could see how penis envy could be a thing.
I'm confused. Are these comments supposed to be offensive? Freud is the forefather of psychology. I think it it wasn't "freudian" it would be pretty weird...And cult-like.
Actually, he's the forefather of Psychoanalysis, but gave a HUGE piece of progress to psychology. Either way, this video brings together philosophy, psychology and psychoanalysis in the prospect of romantic relationships. Wonderful and brilliant.
I still can't believe my damn 13 year old self figured this out early and took her time with her relationship. Which I'm luckily still in to this day :D
Thanks past me.
You must feel great, wish this was me. Have made so many mistakes and i don’t think il ever heal. Wish 13 year old me was as brave as you.
I learnt these things at 11 🤭
As of writing, I'm experiencing this exact situation in my relationship. This is interesting, relatable, and an eye-opener. I hope I can still save my relationship. Thanks for this.
I don't agree. I love this channel, but expecting your partner to show an interest in your day at work or an issue which is worrying you is a minimal expectation from someone who claims to love you.
for real
This feels so wrong, they are telling you if you don't feel loved enough you should just suck it up because you are adult and that's how love works now? Wth.
@@estephanymatos8192 thats kinda how i felt watching it, it really felt like a "don't try because its never gonna be better so just suck it up" vibe you know.
@@jordanrayne4779 I see it more as don't assume that your significant other doesnt love you if he/she for example fails to show interest in your day. Try not to instantly take it the wrong way. They are human and life gets in the way sometimes, just talk about it.
An issue i understand but an interest in the day is what confuses me unless,something great or something horrible happened
My dad and step-mom used to argue in front of my brothers and I and I remember one time I asked my dad why they didn’t do it in their room. He explained that we as kids needs to see how the argument pans out and how they resolve their issues, bc then when we become adults, we will know how to communicate with our spouse. I am so glad my dad and step-mom argued in front of me as a kid bc I realize that relationships are not always unicorns and butterflies and I don’t go running when things get hard. I sit my spouse down and we talk it out.
Watching this and many other this type of videos have made me realise that i have had quite the ideal childhood when it comes to these kind of things. My parents needed quidance and encouragement from their preteen children and were bad at handling money, very stubborn and argued all the time. But they loved us kids. And completely differently, they didnt have a love language that they can feel with each other but as the children we saw both the side with our siblings, and even we are completely different from each other.
But we all had to grow up and mature very fast. We learned how to survive on our own and to face loneliness and silence and the moments when you just need to listen and not try to fix and the to separate those from moments that need fixing.
There were rules that were meant to be broken and rules that we learned the hard way should never be broken and how some things can never be fixed after breaking.
We got to face many hardships and death and births and love and the happy days.
Now when adults, we are hardened by life but learned and soft on the sides. Only the youngest of us has even argued with their partner, the rest of us have gotten matches that are compatible. I havent felt sad or unloved or unfulfilled with mine. I cannot say for sure for my siblings, but i dont think they have either.
But i feel sad for the children my sibling has and for the future children the rest of out children will have.
They wont get the same kind of chances as we did to grow up. We cannot do the same journey to them. They had to learn differently. The world is a different place nowadays and the people too. I want to shelter them, but i know that i cannot as it will only make the fall to reality worse, but i am yet to know how to make the life have only small bumps all the time instead of easy road and then falls that have the chance to break them.
I hope that one day i can just feel happy that i did the right thing or at least tried to, especially to my own kids, cannot do too much to my nephews.
But then again the world is changing all the time the kind of realism that i had to face might not even exist anymore when the kids are adults and try to find their way through the world.
In the end, videos like this make me feel rather sentimental. But i feel like it is important to think deeply now and then and just let the thoughts go on and gather into something that can be shared for the knowledge to spread and be shared and then thought by others and determined in their minds, what things are valid to their lives and what are not.
(Im sorry for any mistakes english is my thirth language)
Frankly thats why Im so happy to be single and alone most of the time. Why should I settle for someone who doesnt want to listen to me or spend time with me? Doesnt really sound unrealistic, and yet so hard to achieve.
Never been more content than when I stopped dating or caring about dating!!!
I largely feel this way; it's "safer" just to ride solo, and in a lot of ways much less stressful. May I ask how old you are? I just turned 40; never been married, and never had children. A part of me realizes my way of thinking is a coping skill to avoid becoming too vulnerable to someone and getting hurt, yet at the same time if it works pretty well and I'm otherwise happy enough, then maybe it's not really a problem, lol!
honestly, that's what i also thought before,, before i got into a relationship. i would have never thought that a single person could be so loving and good towards me and honestly just so very similar,, it just happened. and what i say is that a true relationship shouldn't be with someone who doesn't listen to you or etc. it should be with someone who cares about your needs and listens to you, or just offers an ear. but i understand that it could be really hard to find someone like that and honestly i wish you the best, whether you'll stay happily single or not, cheers :))
@@FitLikeaPhoenixI can relate to you even though I’m nearly 18 :)
I really appreciate the person(s) behind this channel, making such wonderful content.
And this is why, i think, it is important for us to live alone before living with a partner. Understand and provide the needs of yourself as an individual before expecting it from other external entities
About those pictures from social media, it's better never idolize someone else's relationship based simply on a single picture that took 10 seconds to shoot it, the day got 24hours. Nobody knows what really happened behind closed door.
drugs, sex, rock'n'roll?
Yes BUT if someone manage to have these 10 seconds, why can't you too?
I'm not saying that you should, but I do say that your logic isn't right.
Those 10 seconds of captured bliss are real but as you said there's another 23 hours 50 seconds everyday. Real life is multifaceted, complicated and has several ugly parts each day. However our society doesn't accept publication of those parts, which is a sad dismissal of what it is to be HUMAN.
So I don't know how to feel whenever seeing posts like yours, for example yes my happy couple pictures are real, and they are just a snapshot moment, and might elicit longing and envy in other viewers. But it's not socially appropriate for me to be posting about my graphic childhood traumas, the arguments I had about our finances, and what I really think about my mother in law sometimes. Unfortunately. We give lip service and say "it's ok not to be ok" but the moment you reveal something out of the norm just watch how instantly people will shame you into conformity.
Worse. It can be 100% fake just for followers, views, comments and money. How can you know these people are really in a relationship if you don´t know them personally? It can be as fake and fictional as movies where people play characters who are in love with each other and that´s all.
These people are not real, they are Instagram fictional characters.
You know, I was skeptical of these school of life little short little videos with powerful clibaity titles therefore I never clicked one but this one felt like a very good recommendation for the moment I am going through right now and OH BOY I WAS NOT READY. I learned a lot, more than what I wanted to, and now I need to become a better person
This is honestly such a great point. Thank you, I needed it.
The biggest problem is our obsession with love and finding our perfect "soulmate." Please. There's no such thing. You find someone you genuinely enjoy being around, having sex with, etc. and you go with it. You learn to fall in love - it isn't this out of control sensation or supernatural phenomenon that Disney and other fairytales would claim. It is quite practical when you have a good head on your shoulders.
"You learn to fall in love - it isn't this out of control sensation or supernatural phenomenon that Disney and other fairytales would claim."
It's exactly how I fell in love in my teens, I was so immensely pleased when I realized after many months that my feelings held strong, that it was not just some adrenaline rush or my hormones tricking me. Problem: she don't love me back! Ah well... it's something I can live with I guess.
Funny thing is that I don't get butterflies for my partner but I love them all the same. Instead it's a homey warmth being cultivated over time.
The problem is when you found the person you truly loved and you broke up for being fucked up and depressed so you though would be better get sometime for yourself abd for her be someone better instead of getting stuck with you and now you just feel empty, other relationships don't feel the same, because the heat, the feeling is not even close that used to be, was perfect and everyone is diferent so is not the same anymore because the way she was is the definition of what i think is healthy and perfect (wife material) not toxic.
Is possible to find the one but you fucked up you are a lost cause, you will pass to some big shit before you find yourself and another one but the problem is don't lose your tracks.. or you gonna end up like me.. problems growing like a snow ball, drugs to releave the pain and your own hell inside your head because you are forced to deal with everything at the same time and there is not time to be weak or recovering.. and for the last but not less important red flag possessive bitches, find the one or is better to be alone
This
People don’t realize how damaging it can be to look for that partner with perfect compatibility. You end up wasting so many good potential relationships and develop a sort of bitterness about you.
I dunno.
Sometimes I think we have a distorted view of how well we treat our partners, and vice versa.
So, we're offended when their reciprocation doesn't appear as commensurate with our own contribution.
Jason Wood you've just perfectly articulated exactly what I feel.
Jason Wood
true!
Jason Wood very true. My wife and I are stuck in that loop of expectations vs reality.
Glad that I understood at my very young age that by ridding ourselves of entitlement and living life with gratitude is the way to go. Now, almost adult me is trying to learn the same thing back.
I really wish this was me. My life is just filled with dissapointment after dissapointment. It’s a horrible cycle. I’m like a hamster on a wheel on fire.
Wow this is amazingly eye opening! I had a great childhood and my parents kept their own personal problems with each other out of sight while growing up while maintaining seemingly effortless love for me and my sister. It is only now I realize why I struggle so deeply with feeling the same reciprocated love in relationships because each of us have intricacies that are not as simple as when we are young. Love is not perfect nor is the “perfect” relationship portrayed so desirably in media. These videos keep me mindful and make me learn and therefore grow. Thank you.
No, it's really not.
This is pseudo-science debunked by 'Big Joel' (who 'coindcidentally' also debunked flat-earth and qanon)
at best... and something worse at Worst.
watching this single :/
Thanos Loukanaris same bae
shut up xD
Thanos Loukanaris good lesson for future double.
Thanos Loukanaris lolcat.
Thanos Loukanaris αι φιλ γιου
*They made us feel completely safe*
Me with abusive parents: Aight
I know! I still have the same feelings though I was abandoned by my father and had an abusive mother…. Wonder why?
@@millier.206 Other relationships, most likely
Glad I don’t have abusive parents, but I do rarely stay with them my entire life.
I think love has been as great as I hoped it would be. I've never been happier than with my partner. I think of this as more of a situational thing.
Immediate subscription! This is the kind of information I want to see in my feed: deep, accurate and relevant. Thank you