Self is nothing it's an illusion. Self is what you think we are. Nothing but thoughts. What we actually are is not explainable in reality. Senses and emotions is the nearest thing I can think of.
@@789kbek it's only complicated when you think and dissect its the same with anything. Love is a idea and no words do it or other emotions any justice. But if you think nothing,or question anything.. What is any of this?
She's a powerful and brilliant orator. It seems like many here missed her message. She is against infidelity, yet does not cover her ears and shout when both perspectives are examined. She is presenting her analysis of both perspectives, that of the cheat and that of the betrayed. She is very scientific and unbiased, and this speech was very insightful.
Then you didn't listen. We learned about who cheats, when and why we cheat, what it does to the cheaters, the relationships and how to deal with the situation it creates. What else do you wanna know?
I thought she was insightful as well. It seems most people in the comments just didn't understand. This wasn't a pro or anti discussion. It was merely a discussion about the reasons and circumstances and even the outcomes once it happens. I thought it noted some interesting points and perspectives. I'm sure people will now insult me and call me names or something.
It may have sunk deep, but is actually shallow and incomplete. Relationships are complex and the saying "staying is the new shame" is an extreme oversimplification. Starting from 14:40 on, she explains this.
@@tme98If my friends' spouse betrayed them in that manner I would make it clear they deserve better than that. If they stuck around for kids or something I get it but I'd say I'm not gonna hang out like it's normal. Look, if you don't want that outcome, DON'T CHEAT. For God's sake me and my wife are swingers, you can discuss it and figure out an arrangement that makes sense. But don't sneak around and lie to one another. That's just insane. If you get to that point you are lost.
@@K0sm1cKid Been married to my man for 21 years and have had an open relationship for most of that time. Paused it when we were having babies and/or going through it. Still, he stepped out with his receptionist which was totally not in the rules.
TheSwoleBroscientist Dying by a thousand cuts is a reference to a certain torture technique, where instead of just killing you and getting it over with, they cut many many small cuts in your body until you slowly bleed to death. In her metaphor, the discovery of each piece of history from an affair is like a new cut.
***** just keep your head down and ignore the world, great philosophy. That kind of thinking keeps poverty and crime the most prevalent problems in the world
***** who would think a low life Cheater would be better than them? And why does the person being cheated on become a coward loser for wanting there to be justice in the world?
***** if you had listened to the talk you would remember she said it wasn't a emotional need that caused the affair, it was a fear of the partner's own mortality, and the feeling of _"Is this it?"_ You seem to think *communicate and listen to your partner*, and _everything_ will be _peaches and cream_. That's *bullshit*, you even said relationships are complicated. You are just trying to blame the other person for your own lack of self control, and personal responsibility.
This woman immediately commands everyone's attention and holds it for the entire time. What a powerful speaker, and one of the most brilliant minds we have today.
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact Mike to help he is a genius, you can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701)
Cheating especially in a marriage is probably the worst thing you can do, you can permanently scar someone. Even if the person gets over it, they will always be affected by it. When I was in the military I've seen guys get completely wiped out by news of infidelity, even to the point of suicide.
i think the most hurtful thing about an affair is thinking of what you were doing while it was happening. Thinking of being at work, Thinking of the times you went to the store, the times u were sleeping and were so naive. You feel bad for yourself, you question what’s true and what’s not. The hardest part is not forgiving the act, it’s forgetting the act. It’s so hard to not ask for constant validation and then wonder if what they’re telling u is even real. Feeling like “this person looked me in my eyes right after they did it and didn’t even feel the guilt”. It’s a scary thought. It makes you question yourself. I don’t know if I can ever let this go but I want to trust him more than anything, I want what he’s saying so badly to be true. Edit: Wow I did not expect so many replies. I just want to add that during this time I was fresh out of a breakup because of being cheated on, it was rough but I knew it had to be done for my own self dignity and peace of mind. There is light at the end of every tunnel, as cliche as it sounds. There’s some people that will call you weak, or blame you for a cheaters actions but at the end of the day the only person weak and to blame for is the person cheating. Everybody has free will to leave a relationship if they’re unhappy, whether they choose to deceive or leave the “morally correct way”, is up to them. Then it’s up to you to count your losses and find your happiness elsewhere, where it truly counts.
This.. this is actually how it feels to be cheated on by someone you never suspected a thing! And I think if someone hasnt been betrayed by their so trusted partner then they will never know how it really feels! Well said.
@@hak1985org I think its more so the fact that you trusted so easily this person and when you find out they did something you never expected, it hurts to suddenly be shocked with not knowing what is true and what isnt anymore and doubting everything they are saying because now you know how easily they lied to you about so many things. Of course this is gonna make you doubt about yourself and many other things!!
@@hak1985org There is a human being in front of you -a traumatized one!-, would you mind being more emphatic and not attack their persona, please? That's just unhelpful and rude.
just please dont ignore your intuition. If you want to try only because you love him, think twice. Strongly recommend therapy as it is one of the most devastating things you could ever experience, it leaves a trauma
"It isn't always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves become. And it isn't so much that we are looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self". (Esther Perel) Pure poetic truth...love her so much!
I loved that part too, she is not only intelligent but really poetic. Her speech was like an epic so that I became so overwhelmed at the end. But even after that, there are bad types of infidelities you can never survive from.
This is one of the best Ted Talks I have ever seen. This woman is so intelligent, captivating, and powerful. She is perfectly rehearsed and polished. She has put together an incredible, well-thought-out, riveting speech, and she is an exceptional speaker. She absolutely commands the audience. Unlike so many speakers of Ted Talks she never stutters, stumbles, and stammers over her speech. And, unlike many Ted speakers, she is anything but boring. She is beyond eloquent and charismatic. I would watch this woman read newspaper obituaries. In short, she is brilliant. Brava, Esther Perel. Your standing ovation was exceedingly well-deserved.
+Ginina Pulcinella I read a few comments prior to watching the talk and thought yours was setting me up to be disappointed. But I found that 15 minutes in I was in complete agreement. By the end, however, I found that the talk was lacking a very important element. And that element has to do with spirituality. For her talk only dealt with the carnal aspect of adultery. And as she only dealt with this aspect of our dual nature (spiritual and carnal) she shows that she does not truly understand the deeper nature of an affair. Furthermore, the fact that she does not outright condemn affairs because some good sometimes appears to come out of it also shows how much she lacks in understanding human nature and the why's and the consequences of adultery. Identifying those occasions where some good seems to come from it does not erase or make up for the harm that usually follows.
+Ginina Pulcinella that does NOT mean she is intelligent, captivating? an expression, not what someone is. powerful? why, because she rehearsed it? intelligent? not at all for the reasons you describe knowledge does NOT equal intelligence. EVERY person on ted talks are intelligent in some way, you are WRONG.
+Ginina Pulcinella yep i listened to this speech and she isnt as smart or knowledgable about the other ted speakers, you dont realise this BECAUSE she is captivating (or you're just fucking stupid)
+Ginina Pulcinella So ... your idea of a compliment is to put down another. ie: ..."unlike many TED speakers".... That hardly exhibits intelligence. Describing ..."many TED speakers" as a stutterer is patently false. Which is an exhibition of yet... more intelligence.
30 years ago I cheated on my greatest love and was discovered. It destroyed us both and while she recovered, I didn't. After trying so hard to make it work again she left me and went on to meet and marry another. She is now very happy while I have never fully recovered from the guilt, the loss and the self blame.
You are likely idealizing the marriage and the love and bond between you. This is easy to do in the absence of the other. Regardless of why the affair happened, and the marriage dissolved, 30 years is WAY too long to be victimizing yourself. You are a different man now. But you have to RECOGNIZE that and CHOOSE, actively, to no longer be stuck in the past.
Well said John, you're a great and very honest and honorable man. Me too I swear, I've been married for more than 24 years now, I've never ever cheated on my wife.
Really, there is more than one way to "Stray" , Nevertheless, good job. I commend you for marriage longevity, I could not stand him after a few days of marriage.
Good talk. Yes, the affair did redid one my marriage- it ended it. The narcissist ex-spouse: 1:accused me of having an affair constantly 2. Denied having an affair even after I caught her, while: 3. She blamed me for having an affair. Good riddance to that psycho. Years later, I met a ‘normal’ woman, which blew my mind. I waited for a year for the lies and gaslighting to start, but they never did. I consider myself blessed.
Sorry about your experience. Yes, she romanticizing infidelity too much. Narcissists aren’t looking for another self when cheating , they aren’t able to self reflect period, and it’s never their fault. They pursuit of an affair is deliberate, they want their cake and eat it too. But they sure teach you a lot about self love, after relationship with a Narcissists your boundaries and values reassessed.
Being in Love with a projected imagination of what your partner is can be dangerous. If they leave, your left with a shattered self. Some people actually never recover.
But the imagination is the pinnacle of evolution. You must have been cheated on or never got the girl of your dreams so now you stopped dreaming altogether.
12:22 “it isn’t always our partner, that we are turning away from. but the person we have ourselves become. and it isn’t so much that we are looking for another person, but looking for another self”
"it isnt that we are looking for another person but we are looking for another self"..............damn........ you nailed it. i have felt like a different self in each of the relationships that i have had. always wondered if others felt the same. thx
Maybe because you were not your true self in every relationship you had..we wether consciously or subconsciously tailor ourselves to fit in with our partners and in a way we lose some of our true selves..Or maybe because everyone you were with brought out something in you you didn't know existed we grow and we learn new things about ourselves everyday.
i think the only way for any relationship to work is to tone down on the expectations from each other and take it one day at a time..........this forever love nonsense is what ends up killing the bond between two consenting adults.....give space and get space in return..........deep understanding of the balance between both is the key.
There are those who rise above childish weakness and make a moral decision to treat their partner with respect. They may, at risk to themselves and the relationship, clearly communicate that they are unfulfilled by the relationship in some way. There is no getting away from it - cheating is an act of disrespect and on a personal level, I would rather be told by a partner that they were 'unhappy' than to be cheated on. The lying, deceit, prevarication and duplicity is a thousand times worse than being told the truth.
Thank you Gra! My thoughts exactly. When a person chooses to come up with lies to hide his/her affair all while looking their partner in the eyes & saying love them, the cheater has made a conscious decision to selfishly disrespect the trust and space his/her partner has given. If those likely to cheat put efforts into their "main" relationship that they do in affairs - there would be no need for affairs. Man or woman up and tell the damn truth. You put those you claim to love at risk physically and emotionally all because you want it all. Communicate! Tell your partners your dreams, fantasies, fears and hopes. If your partner does not want to meet you halfway, get counseling or break up! Sheesh.
I’ve been cheated on alot but I found someone who I truly would bet my life he wouldn’t cheat. He cheated on me. And lied about it and lied about it and lied about it for years. I didn’t get my closure until after the breakup. He told me the truth….the pain of what I went through is truly indescribable. It’ll be a year in February since I left and I don’t cry anymore. I don’t have panic attacks. I’m not suicidal and I am sober. I still think about him every day most of the day unfortunately. I’m not kidding either. But it’s not too bad. Worst thing that happens is when I can’t sleep every once in awhile and I lay awake staring at the black ceiling thinking of how he could do that when I was so convinced he loved me the way I thought he loved me. A dagger to the heart. He never wanted to tell me because he knew i would leave. And im angry about that. If i had the proof at the time I would’ve left and saved myself so much agony and mistakes. I know I’ll move on but to be honest…I’ll always remember that I wasn’t loved the way I loved him.
It’s truly heartbreaking to see how the system sometimes seems to prioritize bureaucracy over real human well-being. It sounds like you did what you felt was right for your family, especially for your stepdaughter, who was suffering from the consequences of a broken system. This situation raises some difficult questions-how do we balance the legal framework with compassion? Could there be a better approach where the system considers the emotional and financial realities of families, rather than just focusing on enforcement? What do you think could be changed to make this process more humane?
@@dud3man6969 it's difficult to do. Especially when you start waking up alone more often than not. There is a breaking point ...and even though we knew an ending was coming, it doesn't help ease the pain when it happens.
There’s something incredibly sad about the idea of looking for the bright side or the opportunity in an affair. Being cheated on sucks, having to imagine the events as they took place sucks. Picturing your partner with someone else sucks and choosing to live with it also sucks.
@@mikaylawright6625I can almost guarantee he truly did not enjoy it and hates himself for what he did if he’s showing deep remorse. I know I didn’t enjoy it. It made me sick. I went limp. And was sick all night afterward until I left.
@@NorthernCornerProductionsyou sound like you have a conscience. Many people either don't, or feel entitled or justified to have the affair. Some cheat because their partners have already cheated. Some cheat just because they can. Some even cheat because they were told not to and it reasserts their independence. But what I do know is that so many people do not feel guilty as they justify it in their own minds.
But some men (and women) are thrill seekers. They like taking risks. They get a buzz from it. They are addicted to cheating, like alcoholics and gamblers. I have been cheated on. Now i have major trust issues with men.
Whether each in a successful relationship knows it or not, humans ALWAYS keep secrets from even those closest to them. How many secrets, or what kind of secrets, usually depends on how whole or broken they became, from how they were parented from the time they were conceived. Those who think their partners hold no secrets? Usually are blithely deluding themselves. It would be extremely rare to have no secrets...and if one thinks they’ve found such a couple...think again!
Winter Star I believe it's just healthy to have a well rounded interesting happy life in your own right that you can then share. It's then up to you and the respective partners how much of that life you participate in. For instance I love ballroom dancing. My husband knows and encourages this as he has observed me at my clubs but he hates that kind of dancing. He on the other hand is a body builder and I have observed him and his colleagues of both sexes at his gym. I get a buzz from having this 'conversation ' through dance that can be quite sexy with many men several times a week. I don't know whether or not this makes my husband jealous he never says but we equally do lots of wonderful intimate things together and share conversations about his gym and my dancing. We are not perfect by any means but this is one of several things I have for me that keeps me emotionally satisfied and interesting to my partner
@@gericko4931 You don't have to have a diploma to know about life... Life experience also counts, everyone is searching for their own answers. Also, his quote is more philosophical than scientific.
@@florat3742 well said. Psychological "experts" act as if they literally created human beings. Their field is so subjective that I find it difficult to call it "scientific".
Communication is the #1 problem in most relationships. If you cheat on me I’m out. I relay that from the very beginning of the relationship. Now, if you tell me you are thinking about cheating because of XYZ...I will be hurt, but will appreciate the honesty. My goal is to work on resolving XYZ in order to strengthen the relationship. All you have is trust. Too many relationships die because of a thousand tiny cuts that lead to resentment, anger, and infidelity. In many relationships the silence of everything that was not said is deafening. Always stand up for yourself in a relationships and make sure your partner accepts who you are. Communicate constantly.
You say “If you cheat on me I’m out” but you also say you’ll be grateful if she tells u she is thinking about X Y Z. You many not agree but let me lay it on you: and It depends how much time you have (if you are 85 it may not be your thing...) If you realize the importance of transcending your jealousy, and if you accept that you may both love another person and accept that, you may change your views. Open relationships are in the cards for the next century.. But to be willing to roll along one must understand what you get out of this: transcending your jealousy is a Big Thing. (Obviously not in the form of cheating - it requires work and constant communication). The partner knows when one is interested in someone and supports their loved one. Also: it’s not for everyone... But if you understand its importance I recommend you don’t miss this opportunity. PS: Finally I’m aware that this comment can attract a lot of hate and strong feelings. But I won’t stop saying it: jealousy is a pest and has to be eradicated. PPS: A child in shared custody doesn’t suffer because their dad also loves someone else. They suffer because their dad does not love their mom anymore and vice versa... If their parent truly loved the other parent and also loved someone else the child would be happy.
Don’t try to recruit monogamous folks into your polyamorous web if lies. To be honest even polyamorous community does not condone cheating. If you want to live such lifestyle you have to be a part of poly community.
@@spruceguitar Jealousy is not a "pest". It is a very natural, very valid and virtually universal emotion. Brené Brown defines and describes it beautifully. "Jealousy is when we fear losing a relationship or a valued part of a relationship that we already have." It goes far beyond romantic relationships and is more of a "cognitive evaluation in response to feeling anger, sadness, and/or fear." "In small doses and expressed appropriately, it's a normal part of HEALTHY relationships." Not feeling jealousy WHEN IT IS WARRANTED (or pretending not to feel jealousy) gives the message of indifference to the potential loss of a relationship.
I wanted to try again after my husband cheated. He didn't. He also told me he thinks he'll likely end up dating the girl he cheated with, but wants to stay friends with me. Screw that. Is he hurt that I set a boundary and said no? Of course. But am I done living by his laws? Absolutely. I feel angry and heartbroken, of course, but I also feel liberated. I have no one to answer to any more, and this whole affair has shown me who my real friends are. I have fewer than I thought, but as many as I need, and I will get through this divorce.
You did right. Actually im the cheater in mine i flirted with a classmate bcos i was influences that girls and boys who are friends do it as joke. But i realised that if i have to hide then its wrong. When he got to know i was actually more hurt than my bf. And its been 5 years and i still feel hurt that how can i make my love feel this way how did i end up disrespecting him. Tbh, your husband doesnt care abt you and you should never give him chance. Im telling tbis bcos honestly constant feeling regret helped mw grow and be better for him. Now even if be decides to leave ill be happy tbat atleast i tried to heal him
My wife and I have been married almost 40 years. I find her more attractive and desirable than ever. A lot of that happens because both of us have a strong desire to be better people.
@@reneekelley4279 If you had watched the whole video you can see that there is a lot more than meets the eye. It is a form of cowardice to simply accept the pressure of society.
@@smitajky the majority of people are followers and follow the crowd. Just look at how the politicians can stir up people for their self interest. Unless people have a wise standard they will follow anything. Most people want to be right rather than have a relationship. A lawyer friend of mine once told me he quit doing divorces because he believed 99% of the troubles people had in marriages could be helped if the couple were not focused on being right but rather on being humble and getting help.
Infidelity is a betrayal to the children too and they have no say in the re-building of the relationship. Few parents actually acknowledge what their children go through.
@@bansheeebeatz because children grow up to believe their parents are madly in love and that nothing could break them apart. So when this perfect - or at least peaceful- picture of their family is torn, it really takes a toll on them. Deep down, no matter what, no child likes to see their parents separate or hurt each other in any way. Not to mention that through and after divorce, the kids will have to be separated from one parent and just keep being thrown back and forth between the two until they are old enough to make that decision or live by themselves. And what about their mental health? It's not going to be any better.
@@yve4889 Wrong. I don't know any kids that grew up thinking their parents were madly in love... that's a fallacy. Children catch on to the true behavior of parents very very early (around age 5 usually).
@@LSSYLondon You sound like someone who haven't had kids yourself, if not, you're not understanding your children well enough. My parents has always been fighting since I was very young, but I've always gripped onto the image that everything would be fine, and I could be like the other kids. My father's affairs have affected both our family and me personally severely, it has robbed me of the ability to trust or commit to a relationship. Even though children can catch onto the behaviors of their parents early (which is quite unfortunate, no children should grow up that fast), the hurt and the damage of an affair will always be guaranteed.
Humans are mammals and only 3 to 5% of all mammals are monogamous. Throw in social media and you have darwinism on crack. Fight it, hate it, ignore it, nothing's gonna change, it'll only get worse.
Nope nope nope. If cheaters felt at all guilty they’d stop at the first kiss. They don’t. Most do it again and again and again. For normal non-cheaters this behaviour is incomprehensible. Cheaters don’t care bc they have no guilt receptors. Or love receptors for that matter
To me cheating is most damaging because it requires a total lack of honesty, and then creates an immense distrust in the person who cheated. You were sticking to the contract while the other was going off doing whatever they want, treating you as if you're too foolish to notice, too unworthy of being loyal to, and it assumes the cheating partner is too special to be cheated on as well by opening the relationship while the one being cheated on deserves to just be one of many. Being cheated on feels like being stabbed in the chest. I personally believe it is an evil thing to do. Her breakdown on relationships was very insightful though.
Yes, I don't think we should condone it and I really don't think the person cheated on should stay. Definitely learn from it and grow...as Esther suggests but never stay.
@@nicolassalazar457 Unfortunately, many people (especially women) were not able to leave because they were financially dependent. My grandfather was a philanderer. My grandmother only had a fourth-grade education because of family hardship. She could not just leave and find a high-paying job in the 1930's, 40's. 50's. Many women still cannot leave because their husband's make more money, so the women have been nominated to give up the career and raise the children. There is no financial security in raising children.
I agree. When she said that today it takes bravery to NOT condemn an affair that is the unfortunate truth. If between 25 and 75% of PEOPLE have had an affair it also means that there are between 7% to 50% of marriages in which one or other has NOT had an affair. Being able to understand it and to handle it would greatly reduce the suffering across the nation. Yet we are too stupid to see that so we doom ourselves to a needless misery.
there is nothing that can't be justified. Nothing. even lieing, stealing, ect. there is a reason for any and all behaviors. anything can be reframed to look good. I really am not getting tha aha moment here. liars, cheaters, thief's have always existed and always will. and yes, we are to forgive. and to work on ourselves.
“Oh well” is right. Leave that nonsense in the past! Let it go. Now you have a spouse and you’ve made a solemn vow to give yourself whole to them. Focus on the path you’re on together NOW, not “could be” fantasies of elsewhere!
I think people have forgotten to take responsibility for themselves. If the reason for the affair is a response to the person they have become, that's within themselves to change that. We all have autonomy of our lives. If we don't like the person we have become,, or position we are at in life, change it! I tell my kids they decide what kind of a person they want to be. Be a better person and fix yourself.
Very powerful words. As someone who was cheated on....yet we managed to continue our relationship. The parting words really struck me: "your first marriage is over, would you like to start a new one?" That is exactly how it is if you choose to stay together. It is not for everyone and the cultural norms and peer pressure (as she discuses here are so powerful) make it almost unbearable to stay together.
Same here. The process of building trust again with her and moving through the process is very difficult. I beat myself up daily for what I have done. I hope one day I can forgive myself.
Wrong. 🤣 So youre part of the cuck community then ? There is not aftermath to cheating. There is one person leaving and the other refraining from murdering that person.
Its really really true. My husband hasn't cheated but i have felt betrayed by him at a point in our relationship... this exact thought went through my head... The truth is if it hadnt have happened im not sure if i would be a close to him as we are now. Our problem solving skills and our trust absolutely exploded....
He cheated on me and everyone was flabbergasted I still wanted to stay and work it out. He was the MOST shocked. He told me point blank if I had cheated he would absolutely not have stay. My friends indeed did try to shame me and say I should not stay at the time but it wasn't the sexual cheating that bothered me as much as the lies that went with every aspect to cover up the cheating to make me feel like I was crazy.. If we create a space for trust things can improve was my thought. He started lying again about 6 months ago, non-stop. I am glad I stayed for my own peace of mind, 5 years ago but his behavior and our relationship didn't improve so after almost 8 years together, I left...without a word. He mistook my genuine desire to get to the bottoms of things and grow as a couple as a weekness and his distain and disrespect just grew because I stayed. My parents have been married and supportive of each other for 50 years and weather everything, so not working things out is not an option in my mind. I am hoping to find the same but with no shame in staying or going when needed.
@@sandracastillo3317 I bloody applaud you for your stance, the stance that we have as a society that if it's broken or cracked we need to throw it away and buy a new thing instead of trying to fix it first. Working things out and getting to the bottom of the discontent that caused the affair to begin with is it something that we can fix or is it something that is just something that is broken within my partner a sense of rebellion that they hadn't expressed at a younger age etc. but kudus to you for not staying when you sensed disrepect. all the best.
I wanted to leave early on but I was embarrassed. I thought I could make it work. The disrespect was crazy! I finally startd to see the light about 2yrs ago, I let go emotionally over a year ago and left physically 4 months ago 🤦♀️🤷♀️. It's definitely hard....oh he started dating someone right away...
Princess Ameatia it's whose :). In order to know for next time, expand the 'who's' contraction and see if the sentence sounds right. "Who is children are these...?" Versus "Whose children are these...?" I hope this helps!
I have cheated and have been cheated on. Let me tell you.. you can see it in the eyes. Even after reconciliation it's still there.. the loss of trust. Save yourselves continued grief.. kiss and walk away.
Não I've been cheated on by my boyfriend of 4years and I legit think I've got ptsd from it... He told me about it but I could feel something was wrong, I knew something wasn't right so I pressured him and he told me what he had done. Now, after 2years I still can't rest. I have nightmares about it, when he says he's gotta tell me something and to not be mad my heart Immediately starts to race and I start to sweat like crazy.. I feel bad at the same time because I cannot seem to forget, it just scared me forever
If you were keeping him satiated in bed then he wouldn’t have looked elsewhere. Being rejected sexually is the worst experience and far more painful emotionally. Hopefully you learned your lesson.
@@mariecreativity9065 hahahaha. I have grown up into a strong and confident male who has learned from my mistakes after being cheated on. I don’t know how more direct and grown up I can be in this conversation. It is very easy to keep a man happy and content in a relationship. Make sure they are happy in bed. The sooner you learn that the sooner you’ll find your self in a happy relationship. (I’m a 44 year old with a master’s degree and am in a successful relationship of 4 years.)
Some people cheat, using it as a stepping stone out of the relationship rather than being open, honest and brave enough to say they’re not happy in the relationship, that things are irreconcilable
Part of the responsibility of being married is discussing when you are falling out of love. People tend to keep that to themselves, try to fix it on their own and then leave when it fails. But a relationship is a team sport, both partners have to work on the problems together.
an acquaintance's husband did this....he didn't want counselling, he didn't even want to try. He was already seeing someone from the gym, the wife was blind sided she had no idea there was a problem in the marriage. People need to grow some balls and be honest with themselves. Three kids involved as well.
Keira Lewis I so totally agree with you Keira. That is how my wife had her 2-year emotional affair. And 3 years later after it was exposed, I again still do not have access to her email account or phone. Feel like I am being set up for another bout of heartache on the horizon.
@@c.j.9248You likely will have to suffer another affair unless you demand full transparency and access to her accounts in return for continuing the marriage with her or else threaten with the divorce which she deserves. Secrecy is how she got into an affair the first time. She has to earn your full trust first but you have to be assertive and show her you can divorce her if she doesn't make the effort to do so.
Found my wife was having an affair in 2022, I decided to stay for the kid and because she was committed to work in the marriage. Two years later still can’t forget that day, the hurt, feel so stupid think on all the times I could cheated on her but I didn’t because I loved her while she was with another person. I have to prioritize my happiness and my wellbeing… I m leaving.
My husband has been cheating for over 20 years. Stayed for my autistic son. I’m trying so hard to pull myself out of this. Emotionally. Physically, I have no place to go. I’m beyond broken.
Infidelity transgresses on love. Love is the most beautiful things there is. Your jaded we all are that’s why most laugh at you sick humor. I may be jaded but I still believe in true love. I don’t believe in it in the way I used too. I believe differently now. That I know that there are those who have it. You are wrong in how you define the argument by not knowing true love. Because it’s not there for you does not mean it’s not there. It is there but only for a special few!
It takes courage to say what you’ve said- especially when we live in a culture that shames openly emotional men. I applaud you, brother. We need more men like you in this world. Love yourself first. And a new love will find you.
Monogamy IS, by definition, one person at a time. It could be only one person for life, or you could be with a number of people, but if you don't sleep with someone else when you're with a given person, then by definition you're monogamous. Some people get married, or form an exclusive partnership with another, and the other person dies. After that, they find someone else. If they don't shag anyone other than their current partners, then they're monogamous.
@@devilsoffspring5519 what you are describing is serial monogamy, which is a form of polygamy. Monogamy means one partner for life. If we accept your definition then even a prostitute can be classified as monogamous if she goes with one client at a time, which obviously doesn't make any sense. Don't mistake the concept with the application.
Showing up for you first makes love for another impossible. Love is not an emotion. It's an action; sacrifice of self interest to another. Self love is new age woo woo speak for narcissism.
@@zufex2029 Pretty much. Self love is just narcissism under different terminology. Love isn't a feeling. It's an action. There can be no love where there is no sacrifice. All these faux spiritualists give ridiculous advice.
So I have mixed emotions about this. I've been on both sides of the fence, and I completely understand that in a relationship, nothing happens in a vacuum. Esther Perel's comment about how the victim of adultery often is not the same as the victim of the relationship is really on point. The odd thing was, when I was on the receiving end of adultery and cheating, I kept waiting to feel terrible... that I wasn't enough, that I should be angry... it never came. What did come was issues with trusting her for sure, but I never was angry and it never made me question my own self worth. It made me question what type of relationship we want to have, was the fairytale version of "marriage" and "love" portrayed by Hollywood even possible? Can one person be everything? Even if they could, should they be? It allowed me to really analyze our relationship, have some super open conversations putting our feelings on the table, and then gave use the opportunity to design the relationship we wanted to have. One of the biggest pieces of advice someone gave me about marriage is... lower your expectations and when people show you who they are, believe them. Stop trying to make an introvert an extrovert, or trying to convert someone who hates musicals into a fan. Let them be who they are and decide if there's enough there to hitch your wagon together.
Thank you for this!!! I’m sitting here analyzing how I feel and I don’t feel worthless or ugly or not good enough. I do t have those feelings and reading your comment reinforced that it’s normal and ok. I love myself and know I’m fantastic and worthy. My partner made his own choices. He doesn’t know I know and I’m trying to figure out if I want to say anything or just let it be. I know why he did it even though I don’t agree. Ty
@@melyssaExplainsItAll Glad it helped a little! I'm the kind of guy that believe people are gonna do what they're gonna do. I don't own her and she doesn't own me... but we do owe each other honesty if we're deciding to be in an intimate relationship. At least we know what we're working with at that point, and can make appropriate decisions or redefine the relationship, rather than setting up a win/loss relationship. Wishing you all the best, but it sounds like you're already very secure in yourself which is a great place to be! Kudos to you!
One comment really stood out: "if we do that which we are not supposed to do, then we feel like we are really doing what we want to." That seems to summarize the nature of mankind since the fall.
The only explanation for infidelity is "selfishness". I have been cheated by my wife, meanwhile me ( a man) have rejected ALL the opportunities to cheat on her. Do you want multiple partners throughout your life? Then, do not get married, period!!!!! Simple solution! Do not play with the emotions and life of another human being! Don't need an expert to come up with this solution. And this is the solution for both sides....Very good presentation by the way....
I think you missed the point of this video. It’s not necessarily black and white. Not everyone simply cheats because they want more than one partner. She even said that there are people who have been married for decades and then one day it happens.
Exactly! if people know they can’t commit they shouldn’t date people who are monogamous. Be in open relationships, some people just want their cake and eat it too.
Being cheated on was what really destroyed the old me. I was naïve about the world and ppl and myself. I believed what felt good, not what was true. When I saw my ex go from someone who I loved tenderly into something akin to Judas in a split second it was like life put 20 yrs on me, it aged me, it tempered me, it relinquished me of all childishness and blind faith. It was a type of tough love that made me understand why some ppl looked weary, why they have vacant stares and didnt say much. Taught me why some ppl gave up on ppl and life a long time ago. This kind of pain throws many the veils of the world aside and leaves the truth to you to deal with whatever way you see fit.
I use an analogy of driving a car(being in a relationship) and getting in a bad accident(an affair). There are people who never suffer a bad car accident. Does this mean they aren't at risk for it? Are they fools for driving with the music up and the windows down without a care in the world? No, they just don't have the trauma history of being in an accident. To them, accidents happen to other people. I know I felt this way about my last relationship. Say you have been in an accident. Does that mean you shouldn't drive anymore? No. It means you should be cautious of reckless drivers and have your wits on the road. You already should have, but you probably didn't have reason to be so cautious and maybe were distracted by the nice weather and sweet jams. Now, imagine that having been in an accident made you try to understand everything about traffic & how the highway systems function. Now you're at an advantage. The guy with his windows down and music up might not be paying enough attention. They could be going down the wrong highway the whole time, not realizing it because they were in a state of ignorance. So say you're back on the road. You know the highways so well and now you can practically predict traffic patterns. Does this mean you can't enjoy the drive? I'd say you're in a better position to do both enjoy it and navigate it more efficiently at that point. It just takes time to study the roads and traffic, and those are the triggers of your PTSD to work through, the reminders of that horrible accident making it sometimes feel impossible to want to get back on the road. You will never out of risk. You never were! You are just now very aware of the consequences because they are so real and visceral to you having experienced it. Take your time, there's no rush. Just try to focus your framing in a way that you can acknowledge the options you have. That work will help you further heal from your wreck and build the confidence in yourself and your ability to navigate the roads, and to have fun driving again.
Ja Fremdgänger sind Narzissten Satansjünger Judase. Ohne Ausnahme. Sie nehmen Dir die Leichtigkeit die Unschuld und das Innere Kind wird zutiefst gestöhrt. Ich verachte diese Monster zutiefst und die ganze Welt ist Voll davon. Ich für mich werde Allein bleiben bis in den Tod. Wenn dann bin ich mit Gott verheiratet und mit seiner Schöpfung der Natur gilt meine Liebe den Pflanzen den Tieren den Elementen das ist die reine Liebe. Liebe zu einem weltlichen Mann war immer Verschwendung
She is so well-spoken. I love this Ted! I love how she spoke with conviction, facts, asked important questions, challenged some beliefs while remaining respectful, and sprinkled a sense of humor. I love how it doesn’t end with just “no, move on” because that it not always the case for some. The reason behind infidelity reveals a lot more truth to about the person who commits the act than just reflecting the relationship itself or their partner. It’s definitely a grey-area of introspection when trying to find the next steps because the answer lies within one’s core values and beliefs.
Got married at 23, wife chested 2 years later. Didn't forgive her and found myself a godsend angel in my new wife. Took me 6 years to meet this wonderful person and I couldn't be any happier. This is what a marriage is supposed to feel like. We have a son and we just thank God everyday for life.
@AJ Flex Monogamy could be "always one person for life" only if it is enforced by society like in Islam countries. It is unnatural for our species, it can't make us happy in 90% cases. Things become like it is because people were given a choice and now things are much more natural and closer to our nature which is serial monogamy.
I have never stayed in a relationship where there was infidelity because it always comes with lies, money, loss with child. I have never stood for it and I have never cared what the excuse. I have never regretted leaving a cheater.
i stayed for a li'l while thinking things will change but no, the infidelity just continued and flourished even more .. thank God i finally had the courage to leave .. been divorced for a year now and embracing peace
@p a, So she doesn't care if you risk your own life & health for prositutes? If you still love her, why not insist that she goes with you for couples' marriage counceling? If you still love her, & she won't go for couples' counseling then you need to ask yourself how long are you willing to stay. I think that your wife has never understood that physical sexuality & intimacy go together when they are good & healthy. Sexual intercouse without true intemacy is empty & grows cold & empty. I wish you the best & she can't be happy either.
Yeah, the only way you can listen to this nonsense is if your brain isnt working well. A relationship is over after cheating. Regardless of any feelings or any desire. If you forgive them once, they are just going to keep doing it.
Listened to it one more time now after my cheating wife had made me watch it some years back. Ester Perel was one of her main infidelity enablers and rationalisation method. A lot of harm done by Ester, enabling infidelity and at the same time the immense hurt (which Ester brushes aside) of the one being cheated.
@@stevearcher6100 anyone who is in touch with their emotional selves can relate to that. Truly being in touch with one’s emotions isn’t just reserved for the ladies alone. It does take a man who is secure in his masculinity to travel to that depth.
*Translation:* “Live in the fantasies in your head rather the reality before you.” That’s bad advice all around. This New Age nonsense continues to lead people towards their own demise! 🤦♂️🙄
Citizen Four: Seems like most of us have fantasies or dreams and "tapping into our emotional selves" part of the time and other times we relate to the physical world. I was trying to unravel what you said, "New Age nonsense continues to lead people towards their own demise"?
Since EVERYONE choses to SIN => everyone is morally flawed and their character is not of the integrity/righteousness that anyone else should emulate them, correct ? WE ARE ALL W/O HONOR, correct ? Even YOU, right ?
@@13kimosabi13 you assume the worst in everyone. Again sin is a choice. You can choose not to sin and live a life of honor and integrity. Doing the right thing is usually the harder choice. To sin is easy.
@@MERKAMGCLK What you believe, if you truly believe it => is a LIE ! Not only is doing the right thing hard to do => it's impossible. Sure => all of us can do some things that seem right (to the rest) and some of us can do a lot of things that the group would be impressed with.......but not GOD ==> HE EXPECTS A MUCH HIGHER STANDARD => HE EXPECTS YOU TO MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE EVERY TIME ==> and you fall way short of HIS EXPECTATION. Please stop lying to yourself that you CAN and that YOU WILLFULLY DECIDE TO DO THE RIGHT THING ALL OF THE TIME. I have to call BS. And you need to hear that......because you've managed to deceive yourself. WAKE UP ! YOUR HONOR AND INTEGRITY ARE FILTHY RAGS TO GOD. Read Romans 3:23.
My woman had relationships with three men at the same time. And our relationship too. She said, she has the right to do it, becaue she is not married. I become NOT angry. I just quit our relationship, and our rented apartement. If she wants other men - so I am the wrong one for her. Don´t loose time in your life, with wrong ways.
12:21 Wow. Just brilliant! "It isn't always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves become. And it isn't so much that we are looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self."
Infidelity is the kiss of death for a relationship. It is not the act of infidelity, but the betrayal that crushes your soul. You watch your life crumble around you. The person you loved unconditionally is no longer that same person. You view your partner in a whole new light. The betrayal will eat at you; you can't sleep, can't eat, can't focus on your job. You wonder if the hurt will ever go away. You lose respect for your partner. Losing that respect is the hardest part of the betrayal to recover from. You feel you can never trust anyone again. This will damage your future relationships. There is always that fear that this could happen again, and you will suffer the pain and misery you felt before. You wonder how to fix this problem. Well, some would say just dive into the pool again and simply play the odds. Maybe you will get lucky. Others will say just suck it up and deal with it. And another approach is to develop a hard shell and keep your true feelings inside that protective shell. This, unfortunately, is counter-productive in any relationship. While it is true that time heals all wounds, sometimes that healing process will take a very long time. However, you may never get over the betrayal.
Thank you for putting in words what I was thinking about . I was the cheated on after 23 years of marriage. 8 years past and I'm still not ok . I lost not only my now exhusband but also most of my friends for some reason. The pain is real till now . Lots of people are surprised that after such a long time I still suffer . Unfortunately I don't know what to do about this . I don't want this pain but somehow it has stuck to me . I don't talk to people unless I have to otherwise I stay home alone . I dear to say infidelity is a crime without punishment . Your partner kills your soul ....
Not necessarily. Perhaps going into a relationship knowing that you will fail each other in different ways, is a healthy way to go in? Personally, I'd 100% rather have my wife cheat on me once, if it could stop her nagging me so often about dumb things. Relationships are about trade-offs. NO one is perfect. Perhaps the solution is to just not put soooooo much weight on fidelity? There is so much more to a relationship than where our naughty parts have been. Just saying.
@@WS-zs1ss Youre not alone, 13 years on i still feel the pain and resentment, its just that its not constant like it was for me for the first couple of years. It changed my whole life, it left me prone to anxiety, lowered my stress threshold and sucked what little confidence I had completely dry. I am still married but will never have another relationship again.
I have never cheated on my wife of 28 years, I've had many opportunities from other married women to do so but I never did, it wasn't just love that stopped me, it was the guilt I would have to live with each time I made love to my wife and looked into her eyes, that's just me,having said that I really believe that Esther perel made so much sense and for the first time( I'm 52 ) someone has explained infidelity to me with so much clarity that I have a totally different understanding of the word
My marriage is ending because my spouse is a repeat offender. He is also a covert, passive-aggressive narcissist and a frustrated closeted bisexual. I cannot have my health or sanity compromised any longer. I love what Esther offers here, very profound hypotheses and food for thought. But it takes 2 adults to make it happen. If there's only 1 adult in the room, there's simply no point in trying.
She did say that not all relationships would make it. And that those relationships that end after an affair we’re already dying on the vine. Wishing you the best.
My second best Ted talk ever! Well articulated. “When we seek the gaze of another, it isn’t always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves become”.
Looks like 90% of the comment section never watched to the end. She's doesn't have an agenda, nor is she normalizing infidelity, she is simply trying to explain the (all too common) behaviour and even providing a possible solution.
I hadn't seen anyone actually bashing her. They are saying that even though this women is trying to explain why people cheat, it still doesn't mean we willl put up with it. And she's not asking us to put up with it. We're just saying we've heard what she has to say and it doesn't matter what explanation anyone has for infidelity, no one with good self asteem should tollerate it.
+Jessica Omura ok, my ex husband is a chronic cheater. I dumped him. he is better off with his new wife that he cheated on me with because she has low self esteem. along with his cheating he was dishonest, shady, and a pathological liar. I chose to leave him because I don't. need the bullshit in my life. I don't have. low self esteem to hold onto him for dear life as if he is some prize like his new wife thinks. so now he cheats on her. and she still hasn't dumped him. so staying with him wouldn't have proved that I have a better self esteem. it would have proved that I was pathetic and insecure.
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when I found out that my wife was having an affair she said,, although she loved me she didn't love me enough to stay and figured it was better to leave with someone than to walk away alone. so I left and a month later I found out the guy dumped her as well 'cause to him it was just an affair and didn't want any complications.
bob wyman she was a coward and I'm glad she ended up alone... I'm sorry for your loss of your marriage; but now you have room for the right one to find you.
This is exactly what my ex did, cheated with coworker. Once I filed for divorce she dumped him, it was just a game to stroke her ego. My ex is on the spectrum, he has NPD narcissistic personality disorder, it is possible that your ex has a disorder as well. Even if they wouldn't cheat, relationships are unhealthy with such individuals. Better avoid Narcissists at all costs.
It usually ends that way. The affair partner doesn’t want them as a whole being only as a sliver. Cheaters are stupid in the sense that they actually believe their affair partner is also just as invested. I’m glad you’re out of that
I was cheated on by my first partner with a good friend. It was like a double whammy loosing 2 people. They never told me directly so I stuck around for a while after. I was to young and dumb to know how to deal with it and It destroyed me as a person. I went around lying in every relationship. Never fully committing to the person because I thought everyone was a cheater. I ended up finding someone amazing eventually and falling in love. I thought I’m going to be honest and commit to this girl. It was 4 years into the relationship when I started cheating on her. I got super paranoid she would cheat on me and didn’t want to be the fool again. Turns out I was the biggest fool I’d ever been. I only destroyed her and myself even more. I eventually confessed as I couldn’t let her live a fake reality for so long like I did. She appreciates I did that and she ended up leaving me. At first I asked to her to give me another chance I would do whatever it took to rebuild her trust but once I knew she had made up her mind I fully respected her decision and let move on with out any drama from me. I can’t express how low I feel right now for committing an act that caused so much damage to her life. I promise myself I will never start a romantic relationship with anyone until I have dived deep into myself, do the hard work and fight these Demons and heal these wounds. Because losing your integrity is one thing, but hurting people you love is the worst thing you can do.
Just find a good partner who will accept it and you, Who will take care of you,,and you to her. And not bringing up the past. Just go forward and live your life.
@@aries3744 you don't need closure from him close it yourself. You know the truth, you going to wait the rest of your life for a cheater to be honest? Girl RUN!
What I got from this is that you will be happier working on the relationship you have rather than spending the rest of your life cheating on people, constantly looking for this ideal that isn't there and having multiple sexual partners.
Barquisha Bon weewee Yes. Though there is also the discontentment that may happen no matter hard you work - for that, communication is key. This communication may lead to a separation, or recommitting, or (shocker) a more open relationship. But at least you're talking with each other, not cheating.
Malcolm Swoboda It got really deep when she mentioned what we ask of another person when asking for commitment. It's a lot to ask of another human being. And while I love the idea of a committed, happy, long-lasting marriage, it saddens me how difficult it is to sustain the desire and pure love you had for the person at the beginning.
Barquisha Bon weewee 'Marriage' is also a tradition more of lives that extend to only 50-60 years max (so 40ish years of marriage at the very max). That's very possibly a factor in some matters.
@@SwobyJ In 1760 40% of women were visibly pregnant on their wedding day. Marriage lasted an average of just 7 years due to death (for men alcohol poisoning, job death were both incredibly high) for women death in childbirth was incredibly common. So we really can't compare this illusion we have of a "modern nuclear family" which was created out of the Victoria and Albert marriage (which only lasted 20 years due to him dying from pneumonia) to the reality of what has always been relationships with stepparents, separations, mistresses etc...
Try to curb your emotional response to the mere mention of cheating so that you can fully appreciate what this brilliant woman is saying. Dr. Perel is not advocating for infidelity, in fact I think she's against it. But this talk is about so much more than that.
+Perfumaphilia - at least one smart person in the comment section. I get that people who are cheated on are in pain, but to not even take the time to learn from what she is saying is just immature.
Never cheated in my life, and never will. It's deplorable in my eyes. Just leave the person if you want to be with someone else. Communication is paramount in any relationship
Cheating is the reason I'm afraid to be in a committed relationship I almost feel as though I need to change my expectations. As though I should expect to be cheated on. This is why I'm afraid to get married
+Commitment2Risk Now that is another subject which perhaps can be discussed in great lengths. I'm not a psychologist or anything, I'm just interested in human behavior. Why people are afraid and presume that the other half will cheat on them. Why are people so insecure these days? Are they insecure within their family? Around their friends? Is the society making them insecure? I was interested in this very subject years ago... and somehow I've forgotten about it. Perhaps it's time to dig it out.
+Just In Beaver I guess I can't really speak on behalf of other people. From my own experience I do not feel insecure around friends or family. I only have this deep fear in intimate relationships. It's not that I have a bad relationship with my parents. My mom and dad are still together after 17 years. My dad has always been around. I'm not entirely sure where the fear comes from. I would bet money on social structure. It is interesting ! I'd love to hear your thoughts
+Commitment2Risk Love is unfortunately risky and makes us very vulnerable. We can suffer loss due to anything life throws at us, illness, death, divorce, estrangement. Is love worth all that? If you meet someone that makes you say yes then you have your answer. But whatever you choose to do my advice is to always have your own source of income - you don't want to be tied to a person for reasons other than love and companionship.
Cheating boils down to morals. You either have enough empathy not to betray your partner or you don't. I've had plenty of opportunities to cheat but never have because I know how it would make me feel if I was cheated on. When I thought an ex was cheating, I just dumped her instead of using that as an excuse to go out and cheat myself. Staying loyal really isn't difficult.
Wife, angrily, the moment you return home from a 6th straight day of working 11 hour days: “Why do you keep taking apart and moving my vacuum cleaner?” that she keeps leaving out, in the way of both the window shade and the weight bench. Email from girlfriend the day after being with her: “I’m still smiling from our time together yesterday.... 😁😁 What a beautiful, delightful, sensual, hot, joyful, wonderful day! I love spending time with you. Wheeee!!”
Interesting how comments like this calling out moral accountability have little likes compared to the other comments that are more or less validating / defending the act of cheating. Just goes to show people prefer to live in denial and lack accountability to their actions.
It took 5 years for my marriage to end. 5 long years. Why were the years so long? Something started to happen that I never saw coming. He was controlling, verbally abusive and then…physically abusive. I came home one day and he was messing with the cat. I tried to stop him and he grabbed me by the throat and threw me across the room. He then threw the cat against the wall and broke her leg. She went to live with my parents after that. I could've told my parents but I didn't. I don't know why. After that it continued. I was punched, clawed, was constantly being yelled at about how I was fat, stupid, I didn't have a real job (I was a teacher) and so on. He told me that if it were legal he'd kill me. That was it. I kept saying that I wanted to get a divorce. He said he'd take our son if I did. But one day he said “fine, if you want a divorce then get a divorce.” I did, he tried to get back with me but I showed him the door after one night together. That's the reason I got a divorce. Thankfully it “only” lasted 5 years. No spouse should EVER have to go through that!! Additionally, If you're considering hiring a private investigator for proof of infidelity in a divorce case, Barry Investigations could be the right choice. By contacting them at Barryinvestigation@gmail. com, you can work with experienced professionals to uncover the truth. Make sure to discuss your legal rights and responsibilities, establish clear boundaries, and follow the investigator's guidelines to ensure a successful and discreet investigation.
Like she said, sometimes we get to the point in marriage where we realize that we are not the person we want to be or really are. Although it is harder to become your real self in a dysfunctional marriage, refusing to be stereotyped by your spouse and living in integrity can actually have a revitalizing effect on your marriage, as you are more like the person that they fell in love with in the beginning. After 20+ years and fruitless counseling, I gave my rings back to my spouse and said, "If you are willing to have a completely different kind of marriage, let me know, because I would be." It took two months, but he decided he was willing and we made steady progress after that. At 45 years of marriage with four grown children and 9 grandchildren, I am glad I hung in there for change.
@@derrevolutor6347 I began the first 10 years of marriage trying to become the person that would make my spouse happy...which proved always just out of reach. The next 10 years were spent trying to defend myself and get my spouse off my case, which was gasoline on the fire. The Gottmann's books helped as did Verbal Abuse by Dr Grace Ketterman and Unoffendable by Brant Hansen. In the end insisting on being treated with respect (in a respectful way, of course), getting rid of Gottmann's "4 horsemen" and refusing to accept or internalize intended and unintended offenses (letting the other person be in a "bad mood" but not reacting or cooperating with it) gave us the power to overcome/minimize destructive relational dynamics. Occasionally we slip back but quickly recognize old patterns and apologize or pull out of them. Friendship and companionship is more our goal than romantic drama.
@@rjwl55 wow. I wounderful that you analysed your emotions and found a way of logicly working on it. Most women I know resent this method, stating that their love and relationships can not be explained. You made a rather unique choice, both of you. Thank you for sharing your experience
Rare outcome but did cheating happen? I just don’t understand how someone could trust someone who cheated and continue to stay with them. This Ted Talk is nice but really just word salad. Cheating isn’t just the physical act. It’s the partner lying to you day after day, smiling in your face and telling you they love you while at the same time texting their affair partner, risking your health with STDS, risking your family’s life because what if they picked an affair partner who is unstable and will show up to your home, etc When you look at all that evidence you realize this Ted Talk is just word diarrhea. A cheater has shown you they’re dishonest, deceitful, will risk your health and your family JUST to get their attention, validation and sexual urges. Now you tell me why any intelligent person would want to give such a person a chance again? The logical and intelligent decision is to move on from such a horrible person and try your luck at finding someone better.
"Betrayal comes in different forms, with contempt , with neglect, with indifference with violence.... sexual affair is just one way to betray the partner..... " amazing talk that every couple should listen to
@@joeshmoe7967 i think that's the least of the worries for some couples. My wife's affair of a year and a half is just a symptom of her falling out of love with me. I'd trade accepting her affair if she'd just love me again. I did just file for divorce. 17 years.
@@joeshmoe7967 nah, violence is the end. A lot of women really do still love their abusers and maybe in a way the abusers love them too, but you still need to leave or you will die. Between life and death, you better choose life. Maybe you can love them when they are behind bars, who knows? But you can't love them when you are in the coffin.
Right on. I caught my ex husband looking for another self. I thought it was a great idea, so I started looking for another him too! But at least I had the grace to get a divorce first. Byeeeeeeee!
@@sergiu.leustean Harder said than done? Well then guess what? You're not ready for a relationship. So don't get into a relationship until you've sorted yourself out.
@@sergiu.leustean "When you try to change yourself being in a relationship comments like "This is not you" / "Why are you fake now" etc will pop from the other person, which will make it very frustrating for the person who wants to change / live different even if they consider to do that what the current partner. A relationship of "A person" with a specific individual will establish some stronger patterns of behaviour and some weaker patterns of behaviour compared with a relationship with another person which has different type of personality and which, through the new created dynamic with her/him, the "A person" will adapt / manifest different types of traits." This is utter gibberish. When you've got the English language sorted out, come back for a polite chat.
@@sergiu.leustean But can't you just discover yourself and change yourself by making new friends then? Or trying new activities with your partner. Travel to different places, experience different things, meet different people, read different books, listen to different perspectives. There's numerous ways to practice self improvement and change. It doesn't have to be within the context of an affair.
What you say at 6:15 reminds me of a class I took in college on sexuality. The professor separated the students by gender and had each group create a pie chart of characteristics or attributes they look for in a partner. So the female groups pie consisted of things like being a good father, being financially responsible, supporting me, having a sense of humor... The male group then came up with a similar list but you could definitely see a difference in the items listed for each group. The thing that we discussed afterwards was that no one person fulfills EVERY piece of your pie. They may be great with money but not great in bed. They may be super funny but not great at making you feel supported. The question posed by the professor was "which pieces of the pie can you live without and which ones are absolutely essential for you to want to remain in that relationship?" I think of that when I am discussing relationship topics with people, it is an interesting concept.
That is such a good point. I always say "No person is so perfect, so Ideal, as to be the be all, end all, everything you will ever want, need, desire, every day 24/7 for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. And if you think such a person exists, I have a bridge to sell you."
The problem is that we are raised, and society strongly influences, an idea that you can only be with one person or should only be with one person at a time. I like the current trends of open marriages and polyamory, I just wish I had been born about 30 years later so I could have participated in what I see playing out now.
Hi Annony Mouse, I would like to talk more about alternatives to “normal” relationships. I consider myself polyamorous and would love to hear your perspective as someone “from another time”. Your comments were very refreshing.
If I can go my entire life without cheating, i certaintly can have the exspectation out of someone else. Cheating is a long and complex act of betrayal that involves many many lies over a long period of time. I could never trust someone after they just spend hours with someone else doing the most gut wrenching act of bretrayal, have them come home and lay in the same bed as them. Just get out and never come back after that.
Cheating isnt necessarily a long and complex act of betrayal, it can also be an extremely brief and simple act of betrayal carried out by completely broken and antisocial people.
Beautifully said.That’s the paradox of infidelity. As a victim of it, it breaks you and makes you feel worthless. But to live in a sea of resentment is to not live at all. You must find a way to reconcile the pain so you can move forward in that relationship if you choose to do so. You must find your own happiness within yourself and live your truth despite what’s happening around you. There is no black & white, right or wrong. There is only moving forward in the best way you can handle and feel capable of in that moment.
This orator can really weave a compelling narrative. Ive watched this ted talk several times now and am always enthralled by how captivating Esther is. Her charisma and charm are only eclipsed by her knowledge and insight. I aspire to one day think and talk as gracefully as she does.
She said it: all over the globe people cheat for one reason only: it makes them feel alive.don’t blame yourself. It doesn’t mean you didn’t give the other what they wanted.
@spruceguitar Yes it does. By definition. If the straying partner got what they wanted, they wouldn't have strayed. If the straying partner was honest and communicated what they wanted, the faithful partner could have given it. Or they could have both decided to end the relationship. Either way, there would be no betrayal.
Chilllllll man just make urself strong enough that when any rejection or cheating event happens to u tt affects your career/money life least Figure out ur own way before it's too late coz it's sure we all get rejected and cheated in most cases and humans are not like before anymore
That is truly brilliant..."your first marriage is over...do you want to create a second one". Both encapsulating the devestating impact of the betrayal, but offering a Ray of hope.
Dan Kennedy Agreed, cheating is mentally scarring. Funny enough no one gives a woman, who has been assaulted by her boyfriend/husband, advice to reconsider staying in a relationship with him. Somehow a deeper explanation of why someone did something wrong is reason to consider staying with that individual. I get that no one's perfect but it doesn't take a perfect person to honor being commited to your significant other. I'm all for self improvement and introspection, but staying in a relationship where someone has done something as devastating as cheat will lead to more suffering.
I like the way Chris Rock put it in his latest stand up. "When a guy cheats, it's because he wanted to experience something new. But when she finds out, she also becomes new. But it's a bad new."
@Perspers piri piri According to John Gottman we should settle for a "good enough" relationship. Idealising one's partner is a mistake as every relationship is filled with conflicts. We are all fragmented in a relationship, thanks to the numerous concessions we have to make.
I love the guilty faces in the audience. Especially, at the very end when some applaud Esthel with no smile on their faces: probably thinking "she has just told my story and she doesn't even know me"!
I too observed for closed body language! There was like one dude who actually took out a notepad, and I nearly cried, "THANK YOU!!! SOMEONE WHO ISN'T DYING FROM GUILT!!!"
I noticed it too - thanks Esther for this valuable presentation. The real reason is to find yourself. That's why people are restless, careless and trampling, on the move.
This is such a good conference! When she said..... “if they could bring into their relationships, the imagination, the boldness and audacity, as well as verve they put into someone else. They WOULD’VE never needed to see her! It’s like people forget what they have in front of them! Or lack the ability of seeing the issue is that they need to put more time into themselves and their own growth as a person.
It comes down to a gratitude check. It is a common practice to remind yourself of your blessings and this helps people avoid depression and see their appreciation for others in their life.
If you can't commit completely to one person, but instead spend your life running from one to another, ultimately those relationships are meaningless and you will live and die alone. Intimacy has become a game to many, a temporary solution to meet needs of attention, or loneliness, or desire.. instead of a tool to create lifelong bonds even stronger than those between a mother and her child. People these days only care about their own happiness due to their perceived misdoings by others, or by learning it though observation. We're entering a brave new world indeed.
Who are you to say those relationships are meaningless just because they don't fit societies narrative? Because they aren't married you'll automatically die alone? Lol what if a person doesn't care to die alone? Assuming every one on the planet wants and has the same goals is why judgment is cast so heavy.
CoolCookiecrumbs Inc. That's exactly how the left wants us to see. Like a trivial meanjngless act. Its a low life act, its a spit in the face of anyone surviving it. It brings the true character of who prrpetrates. She is just a very good intellectualiser of this kind of thing. Why, because women in the numbers have become the matority of cheaters. If any body can't keep their underware in its place, be honest enough to not marry. Cheaters don't belong there. Neither men or women)
An affair isn't always the end of a relationship but it is always the end of the relationship as it was once known.
True
Only cucks remain with their cheating partner.
There is such a thing as forgiveness & restoration, but it takes two people to work it through!!
@@StarofSolomon Fools don't forgive! And fools don't ask for forgiveness
For me, it is the end of the relationship, period.
"Not looking for another person, but looking for another self." That hit me hard.
Love, like all emotions, is far more complex than that.
Self is nothing it's an illusion.
Self is what you think we are.
Nothing but thoughts.
What we actually are is not explainable in reality.
Senses and emotions is the nearest thing I can think of.
@@789kbek it's only complicated when you think and dissect its the same with anything.
Love is a idea and no words do it or other emotions any justice.
But if you think nothing,or question anything..
What is any of this?
12:21
it extend to friends in another dimension i feeling
She's a powerful and brilliant orator. It seems like many here missed her message. She is against infidelity, yet does not cover her ears and shout when both perspectives are examined. She is presenting her analysis of both perspectives, that of the cheat and that of the betrayed. She is very scientific and unbiased, and this speech was very insightful.
What did you learn about cheaters from this? I watched the whole thing hoping to find some insight, but this sorta fell flat to me.
Then you didn't listen. We learned about who cheats, when and why we cheat, what it does to the cheaters, the relationships and how to deal with the situation it creates.
What else do you wanna know?
Wtf??? You need to watch it again and listen this time.
+
I thought she was insightful as well. It seems most people in the comments just didn't understand. This wasn't a pro or anti discussion. It was merely a discussion about the reasons and circumstances and even the outcomes once it happens. I thought it noted some interesting points and perspectives. I'm sure people will now insult me and call me names or something.
"Staying is the new shame."
This sunk deep.
It may have sunk deep, but is actually shallow and incomplete.
Relationships are complex and the saying "staying is the new shame" is an extreme oversimplification.
Starting from 14:40 on, she explains this.
Give m what they want
But do it safely...
Put something on it and make 100% sure ...
@@coronaphone710 What is your mental disorder exactly?
@@tme98If my friends' spouse betrayed them in that manner I would make it clear they deserve better than that. If they stuck around for kids or something I get it but I'd say I'm not gonna hang out like it's normal. Look, if you don't want that outcome, DON'T CHEAT. For God's sake me and my wife are swingers, you can discuss it and figure out an arrangement that makes sense. But don't sneak around and lie to one another. That's just insane. If you get to that point you are lost.
@@K0sm1cKid Been married to my man for 21 years and have had an open relationship for most of that time. Paused it when we were having babies and/or going through it. Still, he stepped out with his receptionist which was totally not in the rules.
I'm in a relationship with the gym, we always seem to workout
It is maybe a dad joke level. But still a very underrated comment.
🤣 brilliant. 👊
Yup
😂😄😂
😁
"Affair in the digital age , a death by a thousand cuts" WOW
TheSwoleBroscientist Dying by a thousand cuts is a reference to a certain torture technique, where instead of just killing you and getting it over with, they cut many many small cuts in your body until you slowly bleed to death. In her metaphor, the discovery of each piece of history from an affair is like a new cut.
Cocofx Sort of like the meat slicer at Quiznos?
***** just keep your head down and ignore the world, great philosophy. That kind of thinking keeps poverty and crime the most prevalent problems in the world
***** who would think a low life Cheater would be better than them? And why does the person being cheated on become a coward loser for wanting there to be justice in the world?
***** if you had listened to the talk you would remember she said it wasn't a emotional need that caused the affair, it was a fear of the partner's own mortality, and the feeling of _"Is this it?"_ You seem to think *communicate and listen to your partner*, and _everything_ will be _peaches and cream_. That's *bullshit*, you even said relationships are complicated. You are just trying to blame the other person for your own lack of self control, and personal responsibility.
This woman immediately commands everyone's attention and holds it for the entire time. What a powerful speaker, and one of the most brilliant minds we have today.
Yes, I noticed it too. She really deserved the standing ovation
wow ---you're easily impressed.
GGR TheMostGodless lol!
Translation...we (women) want to bang whoever we want and still take your money in divorce...
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact Mike to help he is a genius, you can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701)
Cheating especially in a marriage is probably the worst thing you can do, you can permanently scar someone. Even if the person gets over it, they will always be affected by it. When I was in the military I've seen guys get completely wiped out by news of infidelity, even to the point of suicide.
Suicide because your wife was dishing it out. Fools.
Ah yes, youtube, censor the comment replying to the comment about infedelity induced sucide
100 percent.
@@firewater3523 well uh… if u were saying people are weak and it shouldn’t affect them then I get why they censored u
So true..
i think the most hurtful thing about an affair is thinking of what you were doing while it was happening. Thinking of being at work, Thinking of the times you went to the store, the times u were sleeping and were so naive. You feel bad for yourself, you question what’s true and what’s not. The hardest part is not forgiving the act, it’s forgetting the act. It’s so hard to not ask for constant validation and then wonder if what they’re telling u is even real. Feeling like “this person looked me in my eyes right after they did it and didn’t even feel the guilt”. It’s a scary thought. It makes you question yourself. I don’t know if I can ever let this go but I want to trust him more than anything, I want what he’s saying so badly to be true.
Edit: Wow I did not expect so many replies. I just want to add that during this time I was fresh out of a breakup because of being cheated on, it was rough but I knew it had to be done for my own self dignity and peace of mind. There is light at the end of every tunnel, as cliche as it sounds. There’s some people that will call you weak, or blame you for a cheaters actions but at the end of the day the only person weak and to blame for is the person cheating. Everybody has free will to leave a relationship if they’re unhappy, whether they choose to deceive or leave the “morally correct way”, is up to them. Then it’s up to you to count your losses and find your happiness elsewhere, where it truly counts.
This.. this is actually how it feels to be cheated on by someone you never suspected a thing! And I think if someone hasnt been betrayed by their so trusted partner then they will never know how it really feels! Well said.
@@hak1985org I think its more so the fact that you trusted so easily this person and when you find out they did something you never expected, it hurts to suddenly be shocked with not knowing what is true and what isnt anymore and doubting everything they are saying because now you know how easily they lied to you about so many things. Of course this is gonna make you doubt about yourself and many other things!!
@joo this is exactly how it feels. The constant clash of emotions versus sound logic is exhausting let alone painful.
@@hak1985org There is a human being in front of you -a traumatized one!-, would you mind being more emphatic and not attack their persona, please? That's just unhelpful and rude.
just please dont ignore your intuition. If you want to try only because you love him, think twice. Strongly recommend therapy as it is one of the most devastating things you could ever experience, it leaves a trauma
"It isn't always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves become. And it isn't so much that we are looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self". (Esther Perel)
Pure poetic truth...love her so much!
This struck me!
If more ppl would pay attention to this and not falling into depression or suicide.
I loved that part too, she is not only intelligent but really poetic. Her speech was like an epic so that I became so overwhelmed at the end. But even after that, there are bad types of infidelities you can never survive from.
Why can't people just not be cowards, and end the relationship rather than cheating?
THIS just hit home for me.....wow!!!! I replayed it 6 times
So true.
This is one of the best Ted Talks I have ever seen. This woman is so intelligent, captivating, and powerful. She is perfectly rehearsed and polished. She has put together an incredible, well-thought-out, riveting speech, and she is an exceptional speaker. She absolutely commands the audience. Unlike so many speakers of Ted Talks she never stutters, stumbles, and stammers over her speech. And, unlike many Ted speakers, she is anything but boring. She is beyond eloquent and charismatic. I would watch this woman read newspaper obituaries. In short, she is brilliant. Brava, Esther Perel. Your standing ovation was exceedingly well-deserved.
+Ginina Pulcinella I read a few comments prior to watching the talk and thought yours was setting me up to be disappointed. But I found that 15 minutes in I was in complete agreement. By the end, however, I found that the talk was lacking a very important element. And that element has to do with spirituality. For her talk only dealt with the carnal aspect of adultery. And as she only dealt with this aspect of our dual nature (spiritual and carnal) she shows that she does not truly understand the deeper nature of an affair.
Furthermore, the fact that she does not outright condemn affairs because some good sometimes appears to come out of it also shows how much she lacks in understanding human nature and the why's and the consequences of adultery. Identifying those occasions where some good seems to come from it does not erase or make up for the harm that usually follows.
+Ginina Pulcinella that does NOT mean she is intelligent, captivating? an expression, not what someone is.
powerful? why, because she rehearsed it?
intelligent? not at all for the reasons you describe
knowledge does NOT equal intelligence.
EVERY person on ted talks are intelligent in some way, you are WRONG.
+Ginina Pulcinella praising? literally your opinion, it does not make it right, and neither does peole agreeing with you
+Ginina Pulcinella yep i listened to this speech and she isnt as smart or knowledgable about the other ted speakers, you dont realise this BECAUSE she is captivating (or you're just fucking stupid)
+Ginina Pulcinella So ... your idea of a compliment is to put down another. ie: ..."unlike many TED speakers"....
That hardly exhibits intelligence.
Describing ..."many TED speakers" as a stutterer is patently false. Which is an exhibition of yet... more intelligence.
30 years ago I cheated on my greatest love and was discovered. It destroyed us both and while she recovered, I didn't. After trying so hard to make it work again she left me and went on to meet and marry another. She is now very happy while I have never fully recovered from the guilt, the loss and the self blame.
:(
You should forgive yourself and put it behind you.
Good
You are likely idealizing the marriage and the love and bond between you. This is easy to do in the absence of the other. Regardless of why the affair happened, and the marriage dissolved, 30 years is WAY too long to be victimizing yourself. You are a different man now. But you have to RECOGNIZE that and CHOOSE, actively, to no longer be stuck in the past.
Sounds more like infactuation than love. If you truly love someone you don't put your own desires above theirs. Move on. Find someone you do love.
44 years with my sweetie and I’ve never strayed once… I made a commitment out of love and it’s as strong as ever.
may god bless you
Well said John, you're a great and very honest and honorable man. Me too I swear, I've been married for more than 24 years now, I've never ever cheated on my wife.
Really, there is more than one way to "Stray" , Nevertheless, good job. I commend you for marriage longevity, I could not stand him after a few days of marriage.
I didn't know that was possible for men.
Your wife is lucky. ♥️🍀🍀🍀
@@debbiedebbie9473 I suspect there are many more men like me and couples like us.
Good talk.
Yes, the affair did redid one my marriage- it ended it. The narcissist ex-spouse:
1:accused me of having an affair constantly
2. Denied having an affair even after I caught her, while:
3. She blamed me for having an affair.
Good riddance to that psycho.
Years later, I met a ‘normal’ woman, which blew my mind. I waited for a year for the lies and gaslighting to start, but they never did. I consider myself blessed.
Same story here, hah!
It still catches me off guard to get a sweet, loving, appreciative message from my SO.
Sounds like my Ex...
Sorry about your experience. Yes, she romanticizing infidelity too much.
Narcissists aren’t looking for another self when cheating , they aren’t able to self reflect period, and it’s never their fault.
They pursuit of an affair is deliberate, they want their cake and eat it too.
But they sure teach you a lot about self love, after relationship with a Narcissists your boundaries and values reassessed.
Sound borderline
Why is it always heartbreak then a good person shows up LIKE WTF Why Can't the Good Person Show up first
"It's our imagination that is responsible for love, not the other person"
They missing your point .....
Jason Nowak so true! I’ve been focusing on creating my own happiness from myself!
Being in Love with a projected imagination of what your partner is can be dangerous. If they leave, your left with a shattered self. Some people actually never recover.
@@perry9402 And some end up going on a deadly rampage.
But the imagination is the pinnacle of evolution. You must have been cheated on or never got the girl of your dreams so now you stopped dreaming altogether.
12:22 “it isn’t always our partner, that we are turning away from. but the person we have ourselves become. and it isn’t so much that we are looking for another person, but looking for another self”
That line made me pause, it was truly so beautiful ❤
Brilliant line
If your wife neglects you she should not be surprised when you find a new woman.
Stop the cope.
Yes " looking for another self" and herpes.
"it isnt that we are looking for another person but we are looking for another self"..............damn........ you nailed it.
i have felt like a different self in each of the relationships that i have had. always wondered if others felt the same.
thx
Maybe because you were not your true self in every relationship you had..we wether consciously or subconsciously tailor ourselves to fit in with our partners and in a way we lose some of our true selves..Or maybe because everyone you were with brought out something in you you didn't know existed we grow and we learn new things about ourselves everyday.
yup....growth is life.
Yes absolutely.
i think the only way for any relationship to work is to tone down on the expectations from each other and take it one day at a time..........this forever love nonsense is what ends up killing the bond between two consenting adults.....give space and get space in return..........deep understanding of the balance between both is the key.
+jaguarfocus with respect, maybe you shouldn't depend on others to define your "self"
The worst part of this whole ordeal, is that for those of us who are truly monogamous, are also sadly the most vulnerable.
Other pieces of the pie some will restrict to weekends.
In a way, It almost encourages you to not be 100% loyal at all :(
@@yusufdurmus1557 I always say: "Why be a good man tomorrow, when you can be a good man today"
Love is making yourself vulnurable right?
@@jordanallen8420 creep.
There are those who rise above childish weakness and make a moral decision to treat their partner with respect. They may, at risk to themselves and the relationship, clearly communicate that they are unfulfilled by the relationship in some way. There is no getting away from it - cheating is an act of disrespect and on a personal level, I would rather be told by a partner that they were 'unhappy' than to be cheated on. The lying, deceit, prevarication and duplicity is a thousand times worse than being told the truth.
Well said
+Gra Piken It's happened to me constantly, and to this day I'm still broken over it.
CCLynnBeauty this is why I hate cheaters. The heart never fully heals
+kioni kearney At least, then you know that it's over and you don't have to deal with the question of "why?".
Thank you Gra! My thoughts exactly. When a person chooses to come up with lies to hide his/her affair all while looking their partner in the eyes & saying love them, the cheater has made a conscious decision to selfishly disrespect the trust and space his/her partner has given. If those likely to cheat put efforts into their "main" relationship that they do in affairs - there would be no need for affairs. Man or woman up and tell the damn truth.
You put those you claim to love at risk physically and emotionally all because you want it all. Communicate! Tell your partners your dreams, fantasies, fears and hopes. If your partner does not want to meet you halfway, get counseling or break up! Sheesh.
I’ve been cheated on alot but I found someone who I truly would bet my life he wouldn’t cheat. He cheated on me. And lied about it and lied about it and lied about it for years. I didn’t get my closure until after the breakup. He told me the truth….the pain of what I went through is truly indescribable. It’ll be a year in February since I left and I don’t cry anymore. I don’t have panic attacks. I’m not suicidal and I am sober. I still think about him every day most of the day unfortunately. I’m not kidding either. But it’s not too bad. Worst thing that happens is when I can’t sleep every once in awhile and I lay awake staring at the black ceiling thinking of how he could do that when I was so convinced he loved me the way I thought he loved me. A dagger to the heart. He never wanted to tell me because he knew i would leave. And im angry about that. If i had the proof at the time I would’ve left and saved myself so much agony and mistakes. I know I’ll move on but to be honest…I’ll always remember that I wasn’t loved the way I loved him.
It’s truly heartbreaking to see how the system sometimes seems to prioritize bureaucracy over real human well-being. It sounds like you did what you felt was right for your family, especially for your stepdaughter, who was suffering from the consequences of a broken system. This situation raises some difficult questions-how do we balance the legal framework with compassion? Could there be a better approach where the system considers the emotional and financial realities of families, rather than just focusing on enforcement? What do you think could be changed to make this process more humane?
She is not only brilliant in her analysis, but also a master of language.
@Fernando Fernando Explain that, please.
joseph bianco so you’re a cheater
@@krose420 or his insight comes from being cheated on
@@krose420 stop gaslighting and projecting
henare101 honey what’s wrong with you? You sound miserable
"Staying is the new shame." This woman has it so figured out... DAMN
I could only keep waking up with a fake smile on my face for so long.
LITERALLY
That profoundly hit home!!
@@dud3man6969 it's difficult to do. Especially when you start waking up alone more often than not. There is a breaking point ...and even though we knew an ending was coming, it doesn't help ease the pain when it happens.
@@tiffanybluetarot I do understand. When you’re really bonded with someone you believed you could trust the betrayal is hard to believe at first.
Betrayal in a relationship comes in many forms: neglect, contempt and indifference
That’s the cold harsh truth
So very true 😪
Spotted the cheaters
@@KarlosEPM Yup, the typical excuses.
@@oemj7147 you do understand that this does refute OP's statement right?
There’s something incredibly sad about the idea of looking for the bright side or the opportunity in an affair. Being cheated on sucks, having to imagine the events as they took place sucks. Picturing your partner with someone else sucks and choosing to live with it also sucks.
One hundred percent. The thing Im struggling with is imagining him doing to her the same things he did to be, or better, and enjoying it.
@@mikaylawright6625I can almost guarantee he truly did not enjoy it and hates himself for what he did if he’s showing deep remorse. I know I didn’t enjoy it. It made me sick. I went limp. And was sick all night afterward until I left.
@@NorthernCornerProductionsyou sound like you have a conscience. Many people either don't, or feel entitled or justified to have the affair. Some cheat because their partners have already cheated. Some cheat just because they can. Some even cheat because they were told not to and it reasserts their independence. But what I do know is that so many people do not feel guilty as they justify it in their own minds.
Sorry Sir, I know the feeling. 😔
Amen, you are absolutely right.
The fun of having a partner with whom you have no secrets is better than the thrill of cheating.
But some men (and women) are thrill seekers. They like taking risks. They get a buzz from it. They are addicted to cheating, like alcoholics and gamblers. I have been cheated on. Now i have major trust issues with men.
True
Whether each in a successful relationship knows it or not, humans ALWAYS keep secrets from even those closest to them.
How many secrets, or what kind of secrets, usually depends on how whole or broken they became, from how they were parented from the time they were conceived.
Those who think their partners hold no secrets? Usually are blithely deluding themselves. It would be extremely rare to have no secrets...and if one thinks they’ve found such a couple...think again!
@@Chimonger1 generally this is true but not always.
Winter Star I believe it's just healthy to have a well rounded interesting happy life in your own right that you can then share. It's then up to you and the respective partners how much of that life you participate in. For instance I love ballroom dancing. My husband knows and encourages this as he has observed me at my clubs but he hates that kind of dancing. He on the other hand is a body builder and I have observed him and his colleagues of both sexes at his gym. I get a buzz from having this 'conversation ' through dance that can be quite sexy with many men several times a week. I don't know whether or not this makes my husband jealous he never says but we equally do lots of wonderful intimate things together and share conversations about his gym and my dancing. We are not perfect by any means but this is one of several things I have for me that keeps me emotionally satisfied and interesting to my partner
“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
- Bob Marley
Great quote...
yeah, a singer , he must know about psychology
@@gericko4931 You don't have to have a diploma to know about life... Life experience also counts, everyone is searching for their own answers. Also, his quote is more philosophical than scientific.
@@florat3742 well said. Psychological "experts" act as if they literally created human beings. Their field is so subjective that I find it difficult to call it "scientific".
And how to make suffer those who instigated the hurt
Communication is the #1 problem in most relationships. If you cheat on me I’m out. I relay that from the very beginning of the relationship.
Now, if you tell me you are thinking about cheating because of XYZ...I will be hurt, but will appreciate the honesty. My goal is to work on resolving XYZ in order to strengthen the relationship. All you have is trust. Too many relationships die because of a thousand tiny cuts that lead to resentment, anger, and infidelity. In many relationships the silence of everything that was not said is deafening. Always stand up for yourself in a relationships and make sure your partner accepts who you are. Communicate constantly.
Wish I did this
You say “If you cheat on me I’m out” but you also say you’ll be grateful if she tells u she is thinking about X Y Z.
You many not agree but let me lay it on you: and It depends how much time you have (if you are 85 it may not be your thing...)
If you realize the importance of transcending your jealousy, and if you accept that you may both love another person and accept that, you may change your views.
Open relationships are in the cards for the next century..
But to be willing to roll along one must understand what you get out of this: transcending your jealousy is a Big Thing.
(Obviously not in the form of cheating - it requires work and constant communication). The partner knows when one is interested in someone and supports their loved one.
Also: it’s not for everyone... But if you understand its importance I recommend you don’t miss this opportunity.
PS: Finally I’m aware that this comment can attract a lot of hate and strong feelings.
But I won’t stop saying it: jealousy is a pest and has to be eradicated.
PPS: A child in shared custody doesn’t suffer because their dad also loves someone else. They suffer because their dad does not love their mom anymore and vice versa... If their parent truly loved the other parent and also loved someone else the child would be happy.
Don’t try to recruit monogamous folks into your polyamorous web if lies. To be honest even polyamorous community does not condone cheating. If you want to live such lifestyle you have to be a part of poly community.
@@spruceguitar Jealousy is not a "pest". It is a very natural, very valid and virtually universal emotion. Brené Brown defines and describes it beautifully. "Jealousy is when we fear losing a relationship or a valued part of a relationship that we already have." It goes far beyond romantic relationships and is more of a "cognitive evaluation in response to feeling anger, sadness, and/or fear." "In small doses and expressed appropriately, it's a normal part of HEALTHY relationships." Not feeling jealousy WHEN IT IS WARRANTED (or pretending not to feel jealousy) gives the message of indifference to the potential loss of a relationship.
Well said!
I wanted to try again after my husband cheated. He didn't. He also told me he thinks he'll likely end up dating the girl he cheated with, but wants to stay friends with me. Screw that. Is he hurt that I set a boundary and said no? Of course. But am I done living by his laws? Absolutely. I feel angry and heartbroken, of course, but I also feel liberated. I have no one to answer to any more, and this whole affair has shown me who my real friends are. I have fewer than I thought, but as many as I need, and I will get through this divorce.
You did right. Actually im the cheater in mine i flirted with a classmate bcos i was influences that girls and boys who are friends do it as joke. But i realised that if i have to hide then its wrong. When he got to know i was actually more hurt than my bf. And its been 5 years and i still feel hurt that how can i make my love feel this way how did i end up disrespecting him.
Tbh, your husband doesnt care abt you and you should never give him chance. Im telling tbis bcos honestly constant feeling regret helped mw grow and be better for him.
Now even if be decides to leave ill be happy tbat atleast i tried to heal him
Right on I went through it myself they never get better they get worse ❤
@@tanx125are you guys still together?
❤
My wife and I have been married almost 40 years. I find her more attractive and desirable than ever. A lot of that happens because both of us have a strong desire to be better people.
@@reneekelley4279 If you had watched the whole video you can see that there is a lot more than meets the eye. It is a form of cowardice to simply accept the pressure of society.
Self improvement definitely makes a person more attractive.
@Jack Strawb good luck with that attitude.
@@smitajky the majority of people are followers and follow the crowd. Just look at how the politicians can stir up people for their self interest. Unless people have a wise standard they will follow anything. Most people want to be right rather than have a relationship. A lawyer friend of mine once told me he quit doing divorces because he believed 99% of the troubles people had in marriages could be helped if the couple were not focused on being right but rather on being humble and getting help.
That’s beautiful and you all are lucky to have each other. ❤️
Infidelity is a betrayal to the children too and they have no say in the re-building of the relationship. Few parents actually acknowledge what their children go through.
Why do you feel that it is a betrayal to children?
@@bansheeebeatz because children grow up to believe their parents are madly in love and that nothing could break them apart. So when this perfect - or at least peaceful- picture of their family is torn, it really takes a toll on them. Deep down, no matter what, no child likes to see their parents separate or hurt each other in any way. Not to mention that through and after divorce, the kids will have to be separated from one parent and just keep being thrown back and forth between the two until they are old enough to make that decision or live by themselves. And what about their mental health? It's not going to be any better.
True
@@yve4889 Wrong. I don't know any kids that grew up thinking their parents were madly in love... that's a fallacy. Children catch on to the true behavior of parents very very early (around age 5 usually).
@@LSSYLondon You sound like someone who haven't had kids yourself, if not, you're not understanding your children well enough. My parents has always been fighting since I was very young, but I've always gripped onto the image that everything would be fine, and I could be like the other kids. My father's affairs have affected both our family and me personally severely, it has robbed me of the ability to trust or commit to a relationship. Even though children can catch onto the behaviors of their parents early (which is quite unfortunate, no children should grow up that fast), the hurt and the damage of an affair will always be guaranteed.
This was very insightful and captivating. "Many cheaters feel guilty for hurting their partner but not about the affair itself "💯
Cheaters don’t change, despite what others say.
You might be talking from experience but sorry, some do
Humans are mammals and only 3 to 5% of all mammals are monogamous. Throw in social media and you have darwinism on crack. Fight it, hate it, ignore it, nothing's gonna change, it'll only get worse.
Or not to be a habitual cheater, liar, or diminish it.
Nope nope nope. If cheaters felt at all guilty they’d stop at the first kiss. They don’t. Most do it again and again and again. For normal non-cheaters this behaviour is incomprehensible. Cheaters don’t care bc they have no guilt receptors. Or love receptors for that matter
To me cheating is most damaging because it requires a total lack of honesty, and then creates an immense distrust in the person who cheated. You were sticking to the contract while the other was going off doing whatever they want, treating you as if you're too foolish to notice, too unworthy of being loyal to, and it assumes the cheating partner is too special to be cheated on as well by opening the relationship while the one being cheated on deserves to just be one of many. Being cheated on feels like being stabbed in the chest. I personally believe it is an evil thing to do. Her breakdown on relationships was very insightful though.
Yes, I don't think we should condone it and I really don't think the person cheated on should stay. Definitely learn from it and grow...as Esther suggests but never stay.
@@nicolassalazar457 Unfortunately, many people (especially women) were not able to leave because they were financially dependent. My grandfather was a philanderer. My grandmother only had a fourth-grade education because of family hardship. She could not just leave and find a high-paying job in the 1930's, 40's. 50's. Many women still cannot leave because their husband's make more money, so the women have been nominated to give up the career and raise the children. There is no financial security in raising children.
Well said@@icvideos1621
In my opinion this is a video that everyone no matter the generation, age, race, gender identity, political ideology; everyone.... Should watch.
What about non binary Reptilians?
no
This lady is bullshit
Eduardo Martinez probably because you’ve cheated
I agree. When she said that today it takes bravery to NOT condemn an affair that is the unfortunate truth. If between 25 and 75% of PEOPLE have had an affair it also means that there are between 7% to 50% of marriages in which one or other has NOT had an affair. Being able to understand it and to handle it would greatly reduce the suffering across the nation. Yet we are too stupid to see that so we doom ourselves to a needless misery.
I had hardly ever seen any other speaker in Ted Talks than this person with such deep understanding of the concepts they are talking about.
Amin Mansouri i agree
there is nothing that can't be justified. Nothing. even lieing, stealing, ect. there is a reason for any and all behaviors. anything can be reframed to look good. I really am not getting tha aha moment here. liars, cheaters, thief's have always existed and always will. and yes, we are to forgive. and to work on ourselves.
Explainations and justifications are very different things.
then you acutally start listening to what they say...
@Angela Wilson it's not all about you. take her advice and ask investigative questions and not accusitive ones which will eat you up inside.
“When we seek the gaze of another, it isn’t always our partner we are turning away from but the person that we ourselves have become.”
“Oh well” is right. Leave that nonsense in the past! Let it go. Now you have a spouse and you’ve made a solemn vow to give yourself whole to them. Focus on the path you’re on together NOW, not “could be” fantasies of elsewhere!
I think people have forgotten to take responsibility for themselves. If the reason for the affair is a response to the person they have become, that's within themselves to change that. We all have autonomy of our lives. If we don't like the person we have become,, or position we are at in life, change it! I tell my kids they decide what kind of a person they want to be. Be a better person and fix yourself.
Bible speaks
@@citizenfour9622 your right on. Can you imagine where we're going! Excuses are now available for debauchery! Check morality
@@davidretondo2871 ...and, so....whatever...
Very powerful words. As someone who was cheated on....yet we managed to continue our relationship. The parting words really struck me: "your first marriage is over, would you like to start a new one?" That is exactly how it is if you choose to stay together. It is not for everyone and the cultural norms and peer pressure (as she discuses here are so powerful) make it almost unbearable to stay together.
Cheated once...and never again. Really?
You’re still getting cheated on.
Same here. The process of building trust again with her and moving through the process is very difficult. I beat myself up daily for what I have done. I hope one day I can forgive myself.
@@MrMoronificationwhy did u do it? :/ If you don’t have a problem sharing
Wrong. 🤣 So youre part of the cuck community then ? There is not aftermath to cheating. There is one person leaving and the other refraining from murdering that person.
Choosing to stay when you can leave is the new shame. This is gold❤️
Its really really true. My husband hasn't cheated but i have felt betrayed by him at a point in our relationship... this exact thought went through my head...
The truth is if it hadnt have happened im not sure if i would be a close to him as we are now. Our problem solving skills and our trust absolutely exploded....
He cheated on me and everyone was flabbergasted I still wanted to stay and work it out. He was the MOST shocked. He told me point blank if I had cheated he would absolutely not have stay.
My friends indeed did try to shame me and say I should not stay at the time but it wasn't the sexual cheating that bothered me as much as the lies that went with every aspect to cover up the cheating to make me feel like I was crazy.. If we create a space for trust things can improve was my thought. He started lying again about 6 months ago, non-stop. I am glad I stayed for my own peace of mind, 5 years ago but his behavior and our relationship didn't improve so after almost 8 years together, I left...without a word.
He mistook my genuine desire to get to the bottoms of things and grow as a couple as a weekness and his distain and disrespect just grew because I stayed.
My parents have been married and supportive of each other for 50 years and weather everything, so not working things out is not an option in my mind.
I am hoping to find the same but with no shame in staying or going when needed.
@@sandracastillo3317 I bloody applaud you for your stance, the stance that we have as a society that if it's broken or cracked we need to throw it away and buy a new thing instead of trying to fix it first. Working things out and getting to the bottom of the discontent that caused the affair to begin with is it something that we can fix or is it something that is just something that is broken within my partner a sense of rebellion that they hadn't expressed at a younger age etc. but kudus to you for not staying when you sensed disrepect. all the best.
I wanted to leave early on but I was embarrassed. I thought I could make it work. The disrespect was crazy! I finally startd to see the light about 2yrs ago, I let go emotionally over a year ago and left physically 4 months ago 🤦♀️🤷♀️. It's definitely hard....oh he started dating someone right away...
So long as you realize she didn’t mean it as if it were true or a good thing.
"Who's children are these and who gets the cows when I die." The vast majority of the history of humanity summed up in a single statment. I like it.
Hmm who's or whoose?
Princess Ameatia it's whose :). In order to know for next time, expand the 'who's' contraction and see if the sentence sounds right. "Who is children are these...?" Versus "Whose children are these...?" I hope this helps!
Great comment! (Do not care about your grammar lol.)
Princess Ameatia ...yet it will still go over plenty of heads
Civilization, not humanity.
I have cheated and have been cheated on. Let me tell you.. you can see it in the eyes. Even after reconciliation it's still there.. the loss of trust. Save yourselves continued grief.. kiss and walk away.
obsolete professor agreed. It will be thrown in your face. I’ve been on both ends.
I dunno, we're still going after 20 years, so...
Plen122 never thrown in your face during argument? I’m happy for you, definitely doing something right. Here’s to 20 more.
Não I've been cheated on by my boyfriend of 4years and I legit think I've got ptsd from it... He told me about it but I could feel something was wrong, I knew something wasn't right so I pressured him and he told me what he had done. Now, after 2years I still can't rest. I have nightmares about it, when he says he's gotta tell me something and to not be mad my heart Immediately starts to race and I start to sweat like crazy.. I feel bad at the same time because I cannot seem to forget, it just scared me forever
@@yyyyyy427 if a man cheats on me my love for him dies.
He knew how much it would hurt me, but he did it anyway.
If you were keeping him satiated in bed then he wouldn’t have looked elsewhere.
Being rejected sexually is the worst experience and far more painful emotionally.
Hopefully you learned your lesson.
that’s because you became a “sudden feminist”
@@danielkaminske5048you’re not ready for grown up conversations, are you?
@@mariecreativity9065 hahahaha. I have grown up into a strong and confident male who has learned from my mistakes after being cheated on. I don’t know how more direct and grown up I can be in this conversation.
It is very easy to keep a man happy and content in a relationship. Make sure they are happy in bed. The sooner you learn that the sooner you’ll find your self in a happy relationship.
(I’m a 44 year old with a master’s degree and am in a successful relationship of 4 years.)
Are you the guy she's talking about? You know it was a sexual thing that made it happen? @@danielkaminske5048
"What if there are certain things that even a good relarionship can never provide" Got me thinking hard!
Some people cheat, using it as a stepping stone out of the relationship rather than being open, honest and brave enough to say they’re not happy in the relationship, that things are irreconcilable
Part of the responsibility of being married is discussing when you are falling out of love. People tend to keep that to themselves, try to fix it on their own and then leave when it fails. But a relationship is a team sport, both partners have to work on the problems together.
an acquaintance's husband did this....he didn't want counselling, he didn't even want to try. He was already seeing someone from the gym, the wife was blind sided she had no idea there was a problem in the marriage. People need to grow some balls and be honest with themselves. Three kids involved as well.
@@MissHannah2036 So sorry for your friend.
Husband cheated yet wondered why im not the same person i was before...it will never be the same even if we forgave
MissHannah2036
Cheating does not mean that you are unhappy
"Affairs in the digital age is death by a thousand cuts." 😧😦😥 So true.
Keira Lewis I so totally agree with you Keira. That is how my wife had her 2-year emotional affair. And 3 years later after it was exposed, I again still do not have access to her email account or phone. Feel like I am being set up for another bout of heartache on the horizon.
@@c.j.9248You likely will have to suffer another affair unless you demand full transparency and access to her accounts in return for continuing the marriage with her or else threaten with the divorce which she deserves. Secrecy is how she got into an affair the first time. She has to earn your full trust first but you have to be assertive and show her you can divorce her if she doesn't make the effort to do so.
Nothing quite like that feeling of stumbling across the digital evidence. 😩
a hit to the gut
Right. I've never related to something so hard😩😩😩
Found my wife was having an affair in 2022, I decided to stay for the kid and because she was committed to work in the marriage. Two years later still can’t forget that day, the hurt, feel so stupid think on all the times I could cheated on her but I didn’t because I loved her while she was with another person. I have to prioritize my happiness and my wellbeing… I m leaving.
My husband has been cheating for over 20 years. Stayed for my autistic son. I’m trying so hard to pull myself out of this. Emotionally. Physically, I have no place to go. I’m beyond broken.
Infidelity transgresses on love. Love is the most beautiful things there is.
Your jaded we all are that’s why most laugh at you sick humor.
I may be jaded but I still believe in true love. I don’t believe in it in the way I used too. I believe differently now.
That I know that there are those who have it.
You are wrong in how you define the argument
by not knowing true love.
Because it’s not there for you does not mean it’s not there. It is there but only for a special few!
It takes courage to say what you’ve said- especially when we live in a culture that shames openly emotional men. I applaud you, brother. We need more men like you in this world. Love yourself first. And a new love will find you.
What's your number?
If that is even a possibility with someone else y'all aren't right...this should be unfathomable in the way you feel about your life partner
"Earlier they divorced because they were unhappy. Today people divorce because they could be happier"
True
Over It afganistan
What’s happening in afganistan
Kabul
Too much choices
"Monogamy used to be one person in life, today monogamy is one person at a time" nice one
Lol
Monogamy IS, by definition, one person at a time. It could be only one person for life, or you could be with a number of people, but if you don't sleep with someone else when you're with a given person, then by definition you're monogamous.
Some people get married, or form an exclusive partnership with another, and the other person dies. After that, they find someone else. If they don't shag anyone other than their current partners, then they're monogamous.
@@devilsoffspring5519 what you are describing is serial monogamy, which is a form of polygamy. Monogamy means one partner for life.
If we accept your definition then even a prostitute can be classified as monogamous if she goes with one client at a time, which obviously doesn't make any sense.
Don't mistake the concept with the application.
@@devilsoffspring5519 a cheater probably changed the original one person for life definition to incorporate their own actions haha j/k
It's what we call serial monogamy
The love for yourself has to be stronger then the desire to be loved by someone else . Make sure your showing up for you first 🥇
In other words: Don't care about your partner, just cheat if you feel like it.
Showing up for you first makes love for another impossible. Love is not an emotion. It's an action; sacrifice of self interest to another. Self love is new age woo woo speak for narcissism.
@@zufex2029 Pretty much. Self love is just narcissism under different terminology. Love isn't a feeling. It's an action. There can be no love where there is no sacrifice. All these faux spiritualists give ridiculous advice.
@@peaknonsense2041 what good are u for someone if you can't even be good for yourself ?
@@peaknonsense2041 love is a thought then a feeling then a action . Trinity is a real thing
So I have mixed emotions about this. I've been on both sides of the fence, and I completely understand that in a relationship, nothing happens in a vacuum. Esther Perel's comment about how the victim of adultery often is not the same as the victim of the relationship is really on point. The odd thing was, when I was on the receiving end of adultery and cheating, I kept waiting to feel terrible... that I wasn't enough, that I should be angry... it never came. What did come was issues with trusting her for sure, but I never was angry and it never made me question my own self worth. It made me question what type of relationship we want to have, was the fairytale version of "marriage" and "love" portrayed by Hollywood even possible? Can one person be everything? Even if they could, should they be? It allowed me to really analyze our relationship, have some super open conversations putting our feelings on the table, and then gave use the opportunity to design the relationship we wanted to have. One of the biggest pieces of advice someone gave me about marriage is... lower your expectations and when people show you who they are, believe them. Stop trying to make an introvert an extrovert, or trying to convert someone who hates musicals into a fan. Let them be who they are and decide if there's enough there to hitch your wagon together.
❤
Nailed it!
Thank you for your comment. There is some very good advise here.
Thank you for this!!! I’m sitting here analyzing how I feel and I don’t feel worthless or ugly or not good enough. I do t have those feelings and reading your comment reinforced that it’s normal and ok. I love myself and know I’m fantastic and worthy. My partner made his own choices. He doesn’t know I know and I’m trying to figure out if I want to say anything or just let it be. I know why he did it even though I don’t agree. Ty
@@melyssaExplainsItAll Glad it helped a little! I'm the kind of guy that believe people are gonna do what they're gonna do. I don't own her and she doesn't own me... but we do owe each other honesty if we're deciding to be in an intimate relationship. At least we know what we're working with at that point, and can make appropriate decisions or redefine the relationship, rather than setting up a win/loss relationship. Wishing you all the best, but it sounds like you're already very secure in yourself which is a great place to be! Kudos to you!
That's a lot of words just to say you're a cuck.
One comment really stood out: "if we do that which we are not supposed to do, then we feel like we are really doing what we want to." That seems to summarize the nature of mankind since the fall.
True
Well that's stupid
@@adammccabe640 Because your name is Adam lol
@@chineduekeneokpala3407 😂😂😂🤣
@@adammccabe640 Because Eve fucked Chad
The only explanation for infidelity is "selfishness". I have been cheated by my wife, meanwhile me ( a man) have rejected ALL the opportunities to cheat on her. Do you want multiple partners throughout your life? Then, do not get married, period!!!!! Simple solution! Do not play with the emotions and life of another human being! Don't need an expert to come up with this solution. And this is the solution for both sides....Very good presentation by the way....
Good point. Get single and stay single and don’t deceive yourself and others.
I think you missed the point of this video. It’s not necessarily black and white. Not everyone simply cheats because they want more than one partner. She even said that there are people who have been married for decades and then one day it happens.
Exactly! if people know they can’t commit they shouldn’t date people who are monogamous. Be in open relationships, some people just want their cake and eat it too.
I don't think people get married with the intention of cheating. They get married when they're young and dumb.
💯
Being cheated on was what really destroyed the old me. I was naïve about the world and ppl and myself. I believed what felt good, not what was true. When I saw my ex go from someone who I loved tenderly into something akin to Judas in a split second it was like life put 20 yrs on me, it aged me, it tempered me, it relinquished me of all childishness and blind faith. It was a type of tough love that made me understand why some ppl looked weary, why they have vacant stares and didnt say much. Taught me why some ppl gave up on ppl and life a long time ago. This kind of pain throws many the veils of the world aside and leaves the truth to you to deal with whatever way you see fit.
I use an analogy of driving a car(being in a relationship) and getting in a bad accident(an affair). There are people who never suffer a bad car accident. Does this mean they aren't at risk for it? Are they fools for driving with the music up and the windows down without a care in the world? No, they just don't have the trauma history of being in an accident. To them, accidents happen to other people. I know I felt this way about my last relationship.
Say you have been in an accident. Does that mean you shouldn't drive anymore? No. It means you should be cautious of reckless drivers and have your wits on the road. You already should have, but you probably didn't have reason to be so cautious and maybe were distracted by the nice weather and sweet jams.
Now, imagine that having been in an accident made you try to understand everything about traffic & how the highway systems function. Now you're at an advantage. The guy with his windows down and music up might not be paying enough attention. They could be going down the wrong highway the whole time, not realizing it because they were in a state of ignorance.
So say you're back on the road. You know the highways so well and now you can practically predict traffic patterns. Does this mean you can't enjoy the drive? I'd say you're in a better position to do both enjoy it and navigate it more efficiently at that point. It just takes time to study the roads and traffic, and those are the triggers of your PTSD to work through, the reminders of that horrible accident making it sometimes feel impossible to want to get back on the road. You will never out of risk. You never were! You are just now very aware of the consequences because they are so real and visceral to you having experienced it.
Take your time, there's no rush. Just try to focus your framing in a way that you can acknowledge the options you have. That work will help you further heal from your wreck and build the confidence in yourself and your ability to navigate the roads, and to have fun driving again.
That was good, Michael.
Wow this was beautifully written
Ja Fremdgänger sind Narzissten Satansjünger Judase. Ohne Ausnahme. Sie nehmen Dir die Leichtigkeit die Unschuld und das Innere Kind wird zutiefst gestöhrt. Ich verachte diese Monster zutiefst und die ganze Welt ist Voll davon.
Ich für mich werde Allein bleiben bis in den Tod. Wenn dann bin ich mit Gott verheiratet und mit seiner Schöpfung der Natur gilt meine Liebe den Pflanzen den Tieren den Elementen das ist die reine Liebe.
Liebe zu einem weltlichen Mann war immer Verschwendung
I know the feeling. Same thing happened to me. It destroys so much. The pain it causes the whole family is so horrible.
She is so well-spoken. I love this Ted! I love how she spoke with conviction, facts, asked important questions, challenged some beliefs while remaining respectful, and sprinkled a sense of humor.
I love how it doesn’t end with just “no, move on” because that it not always the case for some. The reason behind infidelity reveals a lot more truth to about the person who commits the act than just reflecting the relationship itself or their partner.
It’s definitely a grey-area of introspection when trying to find the next steps because the answer lies within one’s core values and beliefs.
Got married at 23, wife chested 2 years later. Didn't forgive her and found myself a godsend angel in my new wife. Took me 6 years to meet this wonderful person and I couldn't be any happier. This is what a marriage is supposed to feel like. We have a son and we just thank God everyday for life.
Happy for you. May the lord give you both the patience to deal with each other’s imperfections and bless your children.
Yay!
Thanks for letting me know it's out there, and giving hope that I'll find my good relationship when I'm ready!
@@adalindamorales4123 this was really unecessary
Yeah I understand mine cheated within 6 months. My new wife has been a God send.
I thank god for being invisible and un responsive
2:50 "Monogamy used to be one person for life. Today monogamy is one person at a time..."
DAMN 😔
@AJ Flex Monogamy could be "always one person for life" only if it is enforced by society like in Islam countries. It is unnatural for our species, it can't make us happy in 90% cases. Things become like it is because people were given a choice and now things are much more natural and closer to our nature which is serial monogamy.
@@greenlitlleman REALLY?
Good luck having a loving and trusting marriage with that mentality.
@@greenlitlleman u serious 🤣🤣🤣
@@pres4417 Its not me, it is evolutionary biology and neuroscience. It isn't a matter of opinion here.
I have never stayed in a relationship where there was infidelity because it always comes with lies, money, loss with child. I have never stood for it and I have never cared what the excuse. I have never regretted leaving a cheater.
i stayed for a li'l while thinking things will change but no, the infidelity just continued and flourished even more .. thank God i finally had the courage to leave .. been divorced for a year now and embracing peace
@Combitech I wasn’t the one cheating and lying.
@p a, So she doesn't care if you risk your own life & health for prositutes? If you still love her, why not insist that she goes with you for couples' marriage counceling? If you still love her, & she won't go for couples' counseling then you need to ask yourself how long are you willing to stay. I think that your wife has never understood that physical sexuality & intimacy go together when they are good & healthy. Sexual intercouse without true intemacy is empty & grows cold & empty. I wish you the best & she can't be happy either.
@p a That's so sad!! 😔
What do you mean by relationship? Hook up, dating, cohabitation, marriage?
Whenever I run out of reasoning and common sense, i go back to this talk. Excellently delivered😑
hz0yoe Holyoke
Yeah, the only way you can listen to this nonsense is if your brain isnt working well. A relationship is over after cheating. Regardless of any feelings or any desire. If you forgive them once, they are just going to keep doing it.
@@baronhelmut2701 exactly, this is justa a well spoken mental gymnastic to justify the lack of moral compass, lack of self control.
Who else is watching this through tears after being cheated on
Lol at no one responding 😂😂😂
@@Ch0senJuan too vulnerable. But she's not the only one
Me
🎉 It’s my TH-cam and I’ll cry if I want to
Listened to it one more time now after my cheating wife had made me watch it some years back. Ester Perel was one of her main infidelity enablers and rationalisation method. A lot of harm done by Ester, enabling infidelity and at the same time the immense hurt (which Ester brushes aside) of the one being cheated.
“Infidelity shatters the grand ambition of love” 👏🏻
Not really
That’s your takeaway... haha
Darinadler1 on Instagram carries out phone data retrieval passcode and password surveillance on infidelity
" the kiss that you imagine giving can be as powerful and enchanting as hours of actual lovemaking"..... that was powerful. Thank you for that Esther.
@@stevearcher6100 anyone who is in touch with their emotional selves can relate to that. Truly being in touch with one’s emotions isn’t just reserved for the ladies alone.
It does take a man who is secure in his masculinity to travel to that depth.
@@stevearcher6100 You lack perspective.
That statement has the absolute truth at it's core. The mind is forever young !
*Translation:* “Live in the fantasies in your head rather the reality before you.” That’s bad advice all around. This New Age nonsense continues to lead people towards their own demise! 🤦♂️🙄
Citizen Four: Seems like most of us have fantasies or dreams and "tapping into our emotional selves" part of the time and other times we relate to the physical world. I was trying to unravel what you said, "New Age nonsense continues to lead people towards their own demise"?
Never be afraid to inflict punishment upon someone who disrespects you, my high self esteem will go on effortlessly.
Everyone is tempted. Character is how you respond to that temptation. It is a moral choice based in honor.
Exactly!
yup
Since EVERYONE choses to SIN => everyone is morally flawed and their character is not of the integrity/righteousness that anyone else should emulate them, correct ?
WE ARE ALL W/O HONOR, correct ? Even YOU, right ?
@@13kimosabi13 you assume the worst in everyone. Again sin is a choice. You can choose not to sin and live a life of honor and integrity. Doing the right thing is usually the harder choice. To sin is easy.
@@MERKAMGCLK What you believe, if you truly believe it => is a LIE ! Not only is doing the right thing hard to do => it's impossible. Sure => all of us can do some things that seem right (to the rest) and some of us can do a lot of things that the group would be impressed with.......but not GOD ==> HE EXPECTS A MUCH HIGHER STANDARD => HE EXPECTS YOU TO MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE EVERY TIME ==> and you fall way short of HIS EXPECTATION. Please stop lying to yourself that you CAN and that YOU WILLFULLY DECIDE TO DO THE RIGHT THING ALL OF THE TIME. I have to call BS. And you need to hear that......because you've managed to deceive yourself. WAKE UP ! YOUR HONOR AND INTEGRITY ARE FILTHY RAGS TO GOD. Read Romans 3:23.
My woman had relationships with three men at the same time. And our relationship too.
She said, she has the right to do it, becaue she is not married.
I become NOT angry. I just quit our relationship, and our rented apartement.
If she wants other men - so I am the wrong one for her.
Don´t loose time in your life, with wrong ways.
That's a bit different, she was honest with you.
@@kbanghart - You mean except for the initial dishonesty.
@ If she didn't tell him first, yeah.
Maybe she doesnt belive in monogamy. At least she was honest to you about his relations. And you made a choice for yourself
I think u are lucky to get out before marriage
12:21 Wow. Just brilliant!
"It isn't always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves become. And it isn't so much that we are looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self."
This comment of Esther's is so succinct
thats the nicest way to say broken people seek to comlplete themselves.
Ivan Ahumada Not necessarily even broken people. It can be people who are just bored with their life routine and dead-scared of aging.
@@Redfoxx4eva I think the vast majority of people feel unfulfilled in some way
I love this comment but it takes a bit of a monster to look for another self by destroying someone you allegedly love.
Infidelity is the kiss of death for a relationship. It is not the act of infidelity, but the betrayal that crushes your soul. You watch your life crumble around you. The person you loved unconditionally is no longer that same person. You view your partner in a whole new light. The betrayal will eat at you; you can't sleep, can't eat, can't focus on your job. You wonder if the hurt will ever go away. You lose respect for your partner. Losing that respect is the hardest part of the betrayal to recover from. You feel you can never trust anyone again. This will damage your future relationships. There is always that fear that this could happen again, and you will suffer the pain and misery you felt before. You wonder how to fix this problem. Well, some would say just dive into the pool again and simply play the odds. Maybe you will get lucky. Others will say just suck it up and deal with it. And another approach is to develop a hard shell and keep your true feelings inside that protective shell. This, unfortunately, is counter-productive in any relationship. While it is true that time heals all wounds, sometimes that healing process will take a very long time. However, you may never get over the betrayal.
Thank you for putting in words what I was thinking about . I was the cheated on after 23 years of marriage. 8 years past and I'm still not ok . I lost not only my now exhusband but also most of my friends for some reason. The pain is real till now . Lots of people are surprised that after such a long time I still suffer . Unfortunately I don't know what to do about this . I don't want this pain but somehow it has stuck to me . I don't talk to people unless I have to otherwise I stay home alone . I dear to say infidelity is a crime without punishment . Your partner kills your soul ....
@@WS-zs1ss Sound like you have a lot of healing to do. I hope you figure that out.
Your soul is not dead, you just need to find it again.
Not necessarily. Perhaps going into a relationship knowing that you will fail each other in different ways, is a healthy way to go in?
Personally, I'd 100% rather have my wife cheat on me once, if it could stop her nagging me so often about dumb things. Relationships are about trade-offs. NO one is perfect.
Perhaps the solution is to just not put soooooo much weight on fidelity? There is so much more to a relationship than where our naughty parts have been. Just saying.
@@WS-zs1ss Youre not alone, 13 years on i still feel the pain and resentment, its just that its not constant like it was for me for the first couple of years. It changed my whole life, it left me prone to anxiety, lowered my stress threshold and sucked what little confidence I had completely dry. I am still married but will never have another relationship again.
@@jjs3287 check out the chump lady. Good luck.
I have never cheated on my wife of 28 years, I've had many opportunities from other married women to do so but I never did, it wasn't just love that stopped me, it was the guilt I would have to live with each time I made love to my wife and looked into her eyes, that's just me,having said that I really believe that Esther perel made so much sense and for the first time( I'm 52 ) someone has explained infidelity to me with so much clarity that I have a totally different understanding of the word
Red Car awesome. Nobody asked for your opinion
😭😭😭. Can i get a husband like you. A reincarnation of you. Parallel universe....something
And what if you and your wife dont make love anymore....maybe you have no need to cheat?
That's relationship. You are so such of yourself but can't vouch for partner.
Jenna Green he is projecting
My marriage is ending because my spouse is a repeat offender. He is also a covert, passive-aggressive narcissist and a frustrated closeted bisexual. I cannot have my health or sanity compromised any longer.
I love what Esther offers here, very profound hypotheses and food for thought. But it takes 2 adults to make it happen. If there's only 1 adult in the room, there's simply no point in trying.
I hope that everything turns out well for you
You .... be and stay strong. You will make it .
She did say that not all relationships would make it. And that those relationships that end after an affair we’re already dying on the vine. Wishing you the best.
Sounds like we were married to the same guy..
@Thomas Wright yup. Agree entirely.
My second best Ted talk ever! Well articulated. “When we seek the gaze of another, it isn’t always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves become”.
And what's the best ?
Genuinenely curious
Looks like 90% of the comment section never watched to the end. She's doesn't have an agenda, nor is she normalizing infidelity, she is simply trying to explain the (all too common) behaviour and even providing a possible solution.
Agreed. She doesn't condone the act of infidelity yet all these comments are bashing her. -.-
It's like the christians of old age shouting blasphemy without listening to reason lol
I watched the entire video and it's still leftist bullshit.
I hadn't seen anyone actually bashing her. They are saying that even though this women is trying to explain why people cheat, it still doesn't mean we willl put up with it. And she's not asking us to put up with it. We're just saying we've heard what she has to say and it doesn't matter what explanation anyone has for infidelity, no one with good self asteem should tollerate it.
+Jessica Omura ok, my ex husband is a chronic cheater. I dumped him. he is better off with his new wife that he cheated on me with because she has low self esteem. along with his cheating he was dishonest, shady, and a pathological liar. I chose to leave him because I don't. need the bullshit in my life. I don't have. low self esteem to hold onto him for dear life as if he is some prize like his new wife thinks. so now he cheats on her. and she still hasn't dumped him. so staying with him wouldn't have proved that I have a better self esteem. it would have proved that I was pathetic and insecure.
Damn you really need to re-listen to everything she says like 3 times before internalizing it. So much depth
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when I found out that my wife was having an affair she said,, although she loved me she didn't love me enough to stay and figured it was better to leave with someone than to walk away alone. so I left and a month later I found out the guy dumped her as well 'cause to him it was just an affair and didn't want any complications.
bob wyman she was a coward and I'm glad she ended up alone... I'm sorry for your loss of your marriage; but now you have room for the right one to find you.
This is exactly what my ex did, cheated with coworker. Once I filed for divorce she dumped him, it was just a game to stroke her ego. My ex is on the spectrum, he has NPD narcissistic personality disorder, it is possible that your ex has a disorder as well. Even if they wouldn't cheat, relationships are unhealthy with such individuals. Better avoid Narcissists at all costs.
@@mnwildgreen1 -- Sure, unless your ability to trust was irrevocably destroyed. Now how does one ever fully trust again?
Don't go for relationship now rather build yourself , have a better version of yourself to look up to.
It usually ends that way. The affair partner doesn’t want them as a whole being only as a sliver. Cheaters are stupid in the sense that they actually believe their affair partner is also just as invested. I’m glad you’re out of that
I was cheated on by my first partner with a good friend. It was like a double whammy loosing 2 people. They never told me directly so I stuck around for a while after. I was to young and dumb to know how to deal with it and It destroyed me as a person. I went around lying in every relationship. Never fully committing to the person because I thought everyone was a cheater. I ended up finding someone amazing eventually and falling in love. I thought I’m going to be honest and commit to this girl. It was 4 years into the relationship when I started cheating on her. I got super paranoid she would cheat on me and didn’t want to be the fool again. Turns out I was the biggest fool I’d ever been. I only destroyed her and myself even more. I eventually confessed as I couldn’t let her live a fake reality for so long like I did. She appreciates I did that and she ended up leaving me. At first I asked to her to give me another chance I would do whatever it took to rebuild her trust but once I knew she had made up her mind I fully respected her decision and let move on with out any drama from me. I can’t express how low I feel right now for committing an act that caused so much damage to her life.
I promise myself I will never start a romantic relationship with anyone until I have dived deep into myself, do the hard work and fight these Demons and heal these wounds. Because losing your integrity is one thing, but hurting people you love is the worst thing you can do.
Please forgive yourself mistakes happen we are humans but find a person who can tolerate mistakes even affairs and stay with you. Find a wife.
Just find a good partner who will accept it and you, Who will take care of you,,and you to her. And not bringing up the past. Just go forward and live your life.
I wish my husband would tell me the truth. I feel like I need closure, but he just keeps gaslighting me.
It sounds like you are a good person
@@aries3744 you don't need closure from him close it yourself. You know the truth, you going to wait the rest of your life for a cheater to be honest? Girl RUN!
What I got from this is that you will be happier working on the relationship you have rather than spending the rest of your life cheating on people, constantly looking for this ideal that isn't there and having multiple sexual partners.
Barquisha Bon weewee Yes. Though there is also the discontentment that may happen no matter hard you work - for that, communication is key. This communication may lead to a separation, or recommitting, or (shocker) a more open relationship. But at least you're talking with each other, not cheating.
Malcolm Swoboda It got really deep when she mentioned what we ask of another person when asking for commitment. It's a lot to ask of another human being. And while I love the idea of a committed, happy, long-lasting marriage, it saddens me how difficult it is to sustain the desire and pure love you had for the person at the beginning.
Barquisha Bon weewee 'Marriage' is also a tradition more of lives that extend to only 50-60 years max (so 40ish years of marriage at the very max). That's very possibly a factor in some matters.
@@SwobyJ In 1760 40% of women were visibly pregnant on their wedding day. Marriage lasted an average of just 7 years due to death (for men alcohol poisoning, job death were both incredibly high) for women death in childbirth was incredibly common. So we really can't compare this illusion we have of a "modern nuclear family" which was created out of the Victoria and Albert marriage (which only lasted 20 years due to him dying from pneumonia) to the reality of what has always been relationships with stepparents, separations, mistresses etc...
@@LSSYLondon To be clear, you're not arguing with me, just pitching in?
Try to curb your emotional response to the mere mention of cheating so that you can fully appreciate what this brilliant woman is saying. Dr. Perel is not advocating for infidelity, in fact I think she's against it. But this talk is about so much more than that.
She is expressing her own opinions, they are worth the same as any other persons opinions.
Perfumaphilia agreed.
+Perfumaphilia
- at least one smart person in the comment section.
I get that people who are cheated on are in pain, but to not even take the time to learn from what she is saying is just immature.
Perfumaphilia Has
Perfumaphilia Has has
Never cheated in my life, and never will. It's deplorable in my eyes. Just leave the person if you want to be with someone else. Communication is paramount in any relationship
Agreed
exactly
its not that easy
Why is it deplorable if it's consensual?
***** Do not, I say DO NOT comment on a relationship video until you get to 30.
'The victim of the affair, is not always the victim of the marriage.' Wow. That is an incredible truth.
Yes it is
It sure is...
It's bs. Do better, this person isn't qualified to even give these talks let alone council broken marriages. Google is your friend...
SO TRUE!!!!!
@@KRH4Hwks cheating is still a character flaw that does not excuse cheating
Cheating is the reason I'm afraid to be in a committed relationship
I almost feel as though I need to change my expectations. As though I should expect to be cheated on.
This is why I'm afraid to get married
im afraid of getting cheated on while in the army :/
+Commitment2Risk Now that is another subject which perhaps can be discussed in great lengths. I'm not a psychologist or anything, I'm just interested in human behavior. Why people are afraid and presume that the other half will cheat on them. Why are people so insecure these days? Are they insecure within their family? Around their friends? Is the society making them insecure?
I was interested in this very subject years ago... and somehow I've forgotten about it. Perhaps it's time to dig it out.
+Just In Beaver I guess I can't really speak on behalf of other people.
From my own experience I do not feel insecure around friends or family.
I only have this deep fear in intimate relationships.
It's not that I have a bad relationship with my parents. My mom and dad are still together after 17 years. My dad has always been around.
I'm not entirely sure where the fear comes from.
I would bet money on social structure.
It is interesting ! I'd love to hear your thoughts
+Commitment2Risk Love is unfortunately risky and makes us very vulnerable. We can suffer loss due to anything life throws at us, illness, death, divorce, estrangement. Is love worth all that? If you meet someone that makes you say yes then you have your answer. But whatever you choose to do my advice is to always have your own source of income - you don't want to be tied to a person for reasons other than love and companionship.
+Toguro If you want a gf in the military she better be a pious Christian virgin. Honestly it's not a good idea at all.
Amazing insight. It seems we really need to continually work on ourselves rather than look to our partner to meet all of our needs.
Nadia Duarte, well said. You are a wise person.
Love would demand that you put your partners needs before you even thought of your own wants and needs.
Cheating boils down to morals. You either have enough empathy not to betray your partner or you don't. I've had plenty of opportunities to cheat but never have because I know how it would make me feel if I was cheated on. When I thought an ex was cheating, I just dumped her instead of using that as an excuse to go out and cheat myself. Staying loyal really isn't difficult.
We're on the same boat mate.
Wife, angrily, the moment you return home from a 6th straight day of working 11 hour days: “Why do you keep taking apart and moving my vacuum cleaner?” that she keeps leaving out, in the way of both the window shade and the weight bench. Email from girlfriend the day after being with her: “I’m still smiling from our time together yesterday.... 😁😁 What a beautiful, delightful, sensual, hot, joyful, wonderful day! I love spending time with you. Wheeee!!”
Where have you been I've been looking all over for you.
Interesting how comments like this calling out moral accountability have little likes compared to the other comments that are more or less validating / defending the act of cheating.
Just goes to show people prefer to live in denial and lack accountability to their actions.
Correct. Self respect …and loyalty towards yourself …and others.
Haven’t found a loyal man yet.
It took 5 years for my marriage to end. 5 long years. Why were the years so long? Something started to happen that I never saw coming. He was controlling, verbally abusive and then…physically abusive. I came home one day and he was messing with the cat. I tried to stop him and he grabbed me by the throat and threw me across the room. He then threw the cat against the wall and broke her leg. She went to live with my parents after that. I could've told my parents but I didn't. I don't know why. After that it continued. I was punched, clawed, was constantly being yelled at about how I was fat, stupid, I didn't have a real job (I was a teacher) and so on. He told me that if it were legal he'd kill me. That was it. I kept saying that I wanted to get a divorce. He said he'd take our son if I did. But one day he said “fine, if you want a divorce then get a divorce.” I did, he tried to get back with me but I showed him the door after one night together.
That's the reason I got a divorce. Thankfully it “only” lasted 5 years. No spouse should EVER have to go through that!!
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I'm glad you got away
Faithfulness and loyalty is the Greatest Gift in relationships
Because it gives the other absolute value. And we were mad to love and be loved.
Like she said, sometimes we get to the point in marriage where we realize that we are not the person we want to be or really are. Although it is harder to become your real self in a dysfunctional marriage, refusing to be stereotyped by your spouse and living in integrity can actually have a revitalizing effect on your marriage, as you are more like the person that they fell in love with in the beginning. After 20+ years and fruitless counseling, I gave my rings back to my spouse and said, "If you are willing to have a completely different kind of marriage, let me know, because I would be." It took two months, but he decided he was willing and we made steady progress after that. At 45 years of marriage with four grown children and 9 grandchildren, I am glad I hung in there for change.
what kind of marriage did you have and what did it become?
@@derrevolutor6347 I began the first 10 years of marriage trying to become the person that would make my spouse happy...which proved always just out of reach. The next 10 years were spent trying to defend myself and get my spouse off my case, which was gasoline on the fire. The Gottmann's books helped as did Verbal Abuse by Dr Grace Ketterman and Unoffendable by Brant Hansen. In the end insisting on being treated with respect (in a respectful way, of course), getting rid of Gottmann's "4 horsemen" and refusing to accept or internalize intended and unintended offenses (letting the other person be in a "bad mood" but not reacting or cooperating with it) gave us the power to overcome/minimize destructive relational dynamics. Occasionally we slip back but quickly recognize old patterns and apologize or pull out of them. Friendship and companionship is more our goal than romantic drama.
@@rjwl55 wow. I wounderful that you analysed your emotions and found a way of logicly working on it. Most women I know resent this method, stating that their love and relationships can not be explained. You made a rather unique choice, both of you. Thank you for sharing your experience
That’s a beautiful outcome. I’m so glad for you. ❤❤
Rare outcome but did cheating happen? I just don’t understand how someone could trust someone who cheated and continue to stay with them. This Ted Talk is nice but really just word salad.
Cheating isn’t just the physical act. It’s the partner lying to you day after day, smiling in your face and telling you they love you while at the same time texting their affair partner, risking your health with STDS, risking your family’s life because what if they picked an affair partner who is unstable and will show up to your home, etc
When you look at all that evidence you realize this Ted Talk is just word diarrhea. A cheater has shown you they’re dishonest, deceitful, will risk your health and your family JUST to get their attention, validation and sexual urges. Now you tell me why any intelligent person would want to give such a person a chance again?
The logical and intelligent decision is to move on from such a horrible person and try your luck at finding someone better.
“Your first marriage is over, do you like to create a second one together...?”
Let’s talk about ending lecture with a high key!
That quote has become the motto of my relashionship, let go of trting tonhet what tou once had and let's create something new!!
Do she mean with the same person?
@@kathy2888 yes with the same person
@A loud Italian shh
Big "No",
Once milk becomes curd, it won't become milk again...
"The victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage" that stuck hard w me.
Eye-opener
"Betrayal comes in different forms, with contempt , with neglect, with indifference with violence.... sexual affair is just one way to betray the partner..... " amazing talk that every couple should listen to
I might be able to work through contempt, neglect, indifference...even violence...but sleep with another it is over on the spot. No ifs ands or buts.
@@joeshmoe7967 i think that's the least of the worries for some couples. My wife's affair of a year and a half is just a symptom of her falling out of love with me. I'd trade accepting her affair if she'd just love me again. I did just file for divorce. 17 years.
@@joeshmoe7967 nah, violence is the end. A lot of women really do still love their abusers and maybe in a way the abusers love them too, but you still need to leave or you will die. Between life and death, you better choose life. Maybe you can love them when they are behind bars, who knows? But you can't love them when you are in the coffin.
12:30 "It isn't so much that we are looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self." Wow - strong words! Very accurate.
Which you can find practicing self improvement and without an affair
Right on. I caught my ex husband looking for another self. I thought it was a great idea, so I started looking for another him too! But at least I had the grace to get a divorce first. Byeeeeeeee!
@@sergiu.leustean Harder said than done? Well then guess what? You're not ready for a relationship. So don't get into a relationship until you've sorted yourself out.
@@sergiu.leustean
"When you try to change yourself being in a relationship comments like "This is not you" / "Why are you fake now" etc will pop from the other person, which will make it very frustrating for the person who wants to change / live different even if they consider to do that what the current partner.
A relationship of "A person" with a specific individual will establish some stronger patterns of behaviour and some weaker patterns of behaviour compared with a relationship with another person which has different type of personality and which, through the new created dynamic with her/him, the "A person" will adapt / manifest different types of traits."
This is utter gibberish. When you've got the English language sorted out, come back for a polite chat.
@@sergiu.leustean But can't you just discover yourself and change yourself by making new friends then? Or trying new activities with your partner. Travel to different places, experience different things, meet different people, read different books, listen to different perspectives. There's numerous ways to practice self improvement and change. It doesn't have to be within the context of an affair.
What you say at 6:15 reminds me of a class I took in college on sexuality. The professor separated the students by gender and had each group create a pie chart of characteristics or attributes they look for in a partner. So the female groups pie consisted of things like being a good father, being financially responsible, supporting me, having a sense of humor... The male group then came up with a similar list but you could definitely see a difference in the items listed for each group. The thing that we discussed afterwards was that no one person fulfills EVERY piece of your pie. They may be great with money but not great in bed. They may be super funny but not great at making you feel supported. The question posed by the professor was "which pieces of the pie can you live without and which ones are absolutely essential for you to want to remain in that relationship?" I think of that when I am discussing relationship topics with people, it is an interesting concept.
That is such a good point. I always say "No person is so perfect, so Ideal, as to be the be all, end all, everything you will ever want, need, desire, every day 24/7 for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. And if you think such a person exists, I have a bridge to sell you."
The problem is that we are raised, and society strongly influences, an idea that you can only be with one person or should only be with one person at a time. I like the current trends of open marriages and polyamory, I just wish I had been born about 30 years later so I could have participated in what I see playing out now.
I don't know dude. Jeff Goldblum is up there.
Perfect concept
Hi Annony Mouse, I would like to talk more about alternatives to “normal” relationships. I consider myself polyamorous and would love to hear your perspective as someone “from another time”. Your comments were very refreshing.
If I can go my entire life without cheating, i certaintly can have the exspectation out of someone else. Cheating is a long and complex act of betrayal that involves many many lies over a long period of time. I could never trust someone after they just spend hours with someone else doing the most gut wrenching act of bretrayal, have them come home and lay in the same bed as them. Just get out and never come back after that.
Wise words
Cheating isnt necessarily a long and complex act of betrayal, it can also be an extremely brief and simple act of betrayal carried out by completely broken and antisocial people.
Beautifully said.That’s the paradox of infidelity. As a victim of it, it breaks you and makes you feel worthless. But to live in a sea of resentment is to not live at all. You must find a way to reconcile the pain so you can move forward in that relationship if you choose to do so. You must find your own happiness within yourself and live your truth despite what’s happening around you. There is no black & white, right or wrong. There is only moving forward in the best way you can handle and feel capable of in that moment.
Or you know break up
There is no compulsion that you have to be in that relationship
Thank you for beautiful words. I have been strugling, and your words mean something deep to me.
Stop normalizing abuse,
It's a tactic to sell books and therapy that isn't effective. Cheaters are abusive.
Leave...
We still love you Mel.Obrigado tu bein.
@@ashjose7973 - Gotta love people who've never experienced the power of a malignant narcissist. There is no "just break up"....derp.
This orator can really weave a compelling narrative. Ive watched this ted talk several times now and am always enthralled by how captivating Esther is. Her charisma and charm are only eclipsed by her knowledge and insight. I aspire to one day think and talk as gracefully as she does.
You should listen to her books.
Her podcasts are amazing too
Great comment, ChatGPT
Charlatans are always captivating.
Why does it have to hurt so much.
The sheer heartbreak and pain are such a vast contrast to the pleasure and joy reserved for the ones whom betray us.
Wow eloquently put
She said it: all over the globe people cheat for one reason only: it makes them feel alive.don’t blame yourself. It doesn’t mean you didn’t give the other what they wanted.
@spruceguitar Yes it does. By definition. If the straying partner got what they wanted, they wouldn't have strayed. If the straying partner was honest and communicated what they wanted, the faithful partner could have given it. Or they could have both decided to end the relationship. Either way, there would be no betrayal.
Calm down
@@gypsy-nr9zd leave them be. Respect their pain
This made me cry. As a person who is so afraid of abandonment and rejection, it makes me less afraid to love.
Chilllllll man just make urself strong enough that when any rejection or cheating event happens to u tt affects your career/money life least
Figure out ur own way before it's too late coz it's sure we all get rejected and cheated in most cases and humans are not like before anymore
That is truly brilliant..."your first marriage is over...do you want to create a second one". Both encapsulating the devestating impact of the betrayal, but offering a Ray of hope.
newtonianromance Do you know what the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result.
Sure i want to create a second one ....obviously not with the same woman, but :) with a woman that does not cheat
No way with the same person.. It may never be forgotten.. The incident will always remain in the middle of the room like a stinky mass
@@anubis8680 Said Albert Einstein.
Dan Kennedy Agreed, cheating is mentally scarring. Funny enough no one gives a woman, who has been assaulted by her boyfriend/husband, advice to reconsider staying in a relationship with him. Somehow a deeper explanation of why someone did something wrong is reason to consider staying with that individual. I get that no one's perfect but it doesn't take a perfect person to honor being commited to your significant other. I'm all for self improvement and introspection, but staying in a relationship where someone has done something as devastating as cheat will lead to more suffering.
I like the way Chris Rock put it in his latest stand up. "When a guy cheats, it's because he wanted to experience something new. But when she finds out, she also becomes new. But it's a bad new."
Perspers piri piri very on point agree 100% cause that is me.
@Perspers piri piri According to John Gottman we should settle for a "good enough" relationship. Idealising one's partner is a mistake as every relationship is filled with conflicts. We are all fragmented in a relationship, thanks to the numerous concessions we have to make.
I never thought she was French!
ha did you not just miss the whole point of the talk.. people cheat because they want a new them, not a new experience.
I love the guilty faces in the audience. Especially, at the very end when some applaud Esthel with no smile on their faces: probably thinking "she has just told my story and she doesn't even know me"!
LoL thought I was the only one noticing all those crossed arms and mouth covers lol. The body language in that crowd was serious lol.
I too observed for closed body language! There was like one dude who actually took out a notepad, and I nearly cried, "THANK YOU!!! SOMEONE WHO ISN'T DYING FROM GUILT!!!"
I noticed it too - thanks Esther for this valuable presentation. The real reason is to find yourself. That's why people are restless, careless and trampling, on the move.
😂😂😂
Alan Tuon Larson 😂
All I can say is this: If my partner cheats on me, even once, they are gone. There is no therapy, there is no talking about it. We are done. Period.
A lot easier said than done…
I’ve seen so many people say what say and take it back when they are in a different boat.
I agree, and I wish I had that strength.
how many times has your partner cheated and you never knew
@@positivevibesonly4426 I know my self worth and what I deserve, whatever "boat" I'm in isn't going to change that.
Cosign
Affairs in digital age are death by a thousand cuts.
What does it mean? I didn't get it.
This is such a good conference!
When she said..... “if they could bring into their relationships, the imagination, the boldness and audacity, as well as verve they put into someone else. They WOULD’VE never needed to see her!
It’s like people forget what they have in front of them! Or lack the ability of seeing the issue is that they need to put more time into themselves and their own growth as a person.
It comes down to a gratitude check. It is a common practice to remind yourself of your blessings and this helps people avoid depression and see their appreciation for others in their life.
Yeah, people are greedy fucking sinners
If you can't commit completely to one person, but instead spend your life running from one to another, ultimately those relationships are meaningless and you will live and die alone. Intimacy has become a game to many, a temporary solution to meet needs of attention, or loneliness, or desire.. instead of a tool to create lifelong bonds even stronger than those between a mother and her child. People these days only care about their own happiness due to their perceived misdoings by others, or by learning it though observation. We're entering a brave new world indeed.
Well put.
Indeed
Very well said on all points!! I agree.
You should probably watch the video again. You wildly missed the point.
Who are you to say those relationships are meaningless just because they don't fit societies narrative? Because they aren't married you'll automatically die alone? Lol what if a person doesn't care to die alone? Assuming every one on the planet wants and has the same goals is why judgment is cast so heavy.
Break trust and it never truly returns. Excellent TED Talk, thanks Esther Perel.
That’s not true at all
She's just telling that you can get past it, and it will get better, not that cheating is good.
CoolCookiecrumbs Inc. That's exactly how the left wants us to see. Like a trivial meanjngless act. Its a low life act, its a spit in the face of anyone surviving it. It brings the true character of who prrpetrates. She is just a very good intellectualiser of this kind of thing. Why, because women in the numbers have become the matority of cheaters. If any body can't keep their underware in its place, be honest enough to not marry. Cheaters don't belong there. Neither men or women)