Gaslighting at Work | The Signs
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 14 พ.ค. 2024
- Are you a victim of gaslighting at work? There are hidden signs and behaviors you need to know. Clinical psychologist, Dr. Ramani Durvasula, and MedCircle host, Kyle Kittleson, break down what you need to know, and how to spot whether you are a victim of gaslighting at work.
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00:00 Intro
00:25 What is gaslighting?
02:03 Common signs of gaslighting at work
05:23 Gaslighting during "the great resignation"
08:37 What is "blame deflection"?
10:09 Instant strategies for when you're being gaslit
#mentalhealth #narcissism #work #psychology #gaslighting #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthmatters #workplacewellness
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Was sexually harrassed & bullied at work by a coworker soooo... 1. Got in trouble for not following 'chain of command' when harrassment became dangerous & mid management not available. 2.He was was written up just for gossiping. 3. He retired full benefits then 3. He continues to visit & still enter locked areas where I was alone working.
When I voice concern about history of sexually harrassment & sexual assault I'm made to look hystrionic. Company-wide gaslighting?
@@jennywrenn469❤❤❤❤love ❤❤❤❤❤
Gee...i think i'm naturally born gaslighting person. Is that bad ?
Best part of being gaslighted is when you advocate for reality, and they accuse YOU of gaslighting THEM
The mad evil people that I work with. God please, deliver me from this cult of Narcs clique.
@@user-of9bx1uk3u wait til it's your own son that gaslights you and accuses you of gaslighting him.... very very hurtful
Exactly what's happening to me.
It's happening to me right now. This is why I came here. To see if I'm really a gaslighter. I'm lost. I think I'm not... But what if we do it without knowing and without wanted to be a gaslighter? I am? I don't know anymore and I am soooo tired and confused!!!
And that’s when I start wondering if I’m crazy…
This is why I’m a contractor who works for a small group of people I trust. Working for narcissists isn’t worth any amount of money.
can you please introduce me to this group of people?
i complete agree. i prefer to work more one-on-one clients than for a capitalist company.
I worked for a non profit for decades and I can tell you that as much as they initially support a fantastic mission statement, eventually they will be sniffed out by big company retirees who inevitably go directly against a great mission statement solely by denying reality, strong arming a narrative and gaslighting. For example, this one non profit had a policy on contagious diseases. There was one envoy for the non profit who became severely infectious in the worse way who had hidden it for years. What started as a heads up from a fellow envoy that this person did not past the litmus tests for a clean bill of health then turned into pure unadulterated gaslighting endangering hundreds of people and potentially hundreds more of the hundreds of peoples’ families simply because the person who was severely contagious started to blackmail those in-charge based on leadership’s involvement with someone else who the contagious envoy felt had done worse violations of trust. Meanwhile, fellow envoys are getting weirdly sick, deathly ill while the leadership is not making eye contact with them, denying reality and name calling the envoy who gave them the heads up - chasing that poor soul wherever they are seen and gaslighting them to no end. HR is not there for you, it is in place for the insurance company.
@@aquamarinebarbie that makes zero sense. Capitalism h as nothing to do with narcissism. Especially considering socialist dictators are the biggest narcissists ever
I got the job of my dreams, in the company of my dreams (literally, I have been dreaming about such a job for decades and slowly working my way towards this goal), only to discover my immediate boss is a narcissist. I now have a 9 month exit plan and am the embodiment of disillusionment. Narcissists just are not worth the mental and emotional anguish.
This happened to me but the difference was it was during an interview. Here's how it went. I came in for an interview @ 10am and I was told to design a website homepage for a test. I did this in a couple of hours and my interviewer brought in a second website to create which I nailed in a few hours and then I was given the third website which I finished up before closing hours... @ 5pm the interviewer comes in and says I can go home and will be contacted soon. I left the company building feeling a bit used. Waited for the call or email which never happened until a month and one week later. I was called by same company to come in. I got to the office and I was asked to setup my PC and tools. There was a website I was supposed to deliver that day. I asked the interviewer if I was getting employed or this was yet another interview and he told me I was getting interviewed again. He said my other tests were good but this repeat test was need to test for competence and speed. So I try to get more clarity as to why I had to be tested again and he went ballistic, said I was being rude for asking so many questions. I packed my bag and told him he would have to pay me for anymore interviews.
stop doing work for free!!!
Some nerve. Thievery.
Ye tell that joker where to go.
That's not even uncommon. 😞
Someone asking you to do free work in an interview is a huge red flag. A test task is okay, but usually you can tell it's definitely a test and won't be used by the company as an actual product (in my case it'd be something like writing a mini app using OpenWeatherMap API -- useful to see my skills but completely useless as a product).
Years ago, I was in an admin job at a university. My job included that I leave my desk twice a day to go to another floor to pick up mail, which took about 5 minutes each time. After a while, the director informed me that she did not want me to leave my desk during work hours. I asked how I would retrieve the mail if I could not leave my desk, and she said: "You'll have to figure that out, but I want you to stay at your desk." I asked if she did not want me to get the mail, and again she said: "I want you to do your job, but don't leave your desk." Crazy-making crap. I had always received stellar reviews from former directors and was proud of doing my job very well. In the end, she sabotaged me big-time. I had been encouraged by other directors to apply for a job that had opened, a promotion. I applied, and that awful woman went to the hiring committee and told them they should not hire me because I wouldn't do the work, which was a flat out lie. I was furious but could do nothing. She was a tenured prof, I was staff. After this, she avoided running into me. She was a bullying coward.
Sorry that happened to you some people are truly demons
I didn't realize my previous employer was gaslighting me on my review. But I did refute the bad review and they did double down. That's when I did exactly what Dr. Ramani said...looked for another job, asked if they could meet the raise, and left when they said no. It was especially sketchy when my boss claimed to have talked to higher ups about my raise or new jobopportunity and the higher up came to me and said they were surprised I was leaving...🤔
Wow that is just so awful. So glad you got away from that toxic environment.
Sometimes employers will do this deliberately if they want to the person to quit.
Thats very true. Its their loss.
@@Crimsonking2006 you got that right.
They know they won't have to pay the unemployment claim if they make the job so damn miserable you quit. 🙂
But before deciding to leave and ultimately giving up, gotta make sure the employer gets a good taste of his own medicine a bit.
Now don't want anyone coming up to me to tell me this is not right, not everything has to be done fairly.
I've been an auto mechanic for 15 years and have worked for a few employers, all narcissistic and guilty of gas lighting. After giving my current employer nothing but 10 years of hard work, sacrifice, and loyalty I was recently accused of being inefficient. These videos have been so helpful for me in realizing that its not me, and I look forward to hanging up the wrenches soon and moving onto a new career.
I was accused of gaslighting, that's when I first learned about it. I was set up to look like I was stealing trivial items. When I reminded the person that she had left those items out intentionally when packing up after an event. She denied it and accused me of gaslighting her. It was just so crazy because I was sure she left them out on purpose, and she made me question myself. And then she pointed out other items I had brought home in my bins from events (trivial things, like tape, that would always be brought to the next event) So she was gaslighting me into believing I was a gaslighter. It still hurts my head to think about it. But I know what I experienced and I have to hold onto that.
I was a victim of gaslighting recently, however I am also capable of extreme aggression and was happy to oblige. I left shortly after 'explaining' myself :)
Gotcha.
That must have felt so good.
Feels amazing ❤
@@mamathemeatMy neighbour told someone , that me i am not married may be he is impotent and transgender , i told him in return, why doesn't he send his daughter to my room and check 😂😂😂😂, that's how u handle Gaslight, u don't just keep quiet otherwise they will do it again.
I was told by a direct manager "I take care of the people who are loyal to me" (implying that I was not) and "when I leave I'm bringing everyone else with me but you and X because you don't have the technical skills I need" But then called me all the time to talk and would act like we were friends.
My scum bag boss would make us take business trips over the weekend and report back Monday morning to the office. When asked why we are not allowed to take a day off in place the two weekend days we spend for the company. He would say: "Oh you feel like you deserve it?". What a crock of crap.
So glad this topic is being brought up. This really needs to be address and HR needs to step up. This happens all to often. Especially the endorsement of narcs and bullies in the workforce
HR defends the company from its employees. They’re not on your side. They’re the main gaslighters at that corporation. Steer clear unless you have built a personal relationship with a particular HR rep. There are lawyers who discuss this on TH-cam.
HR are usually the ones covering the managers who are picking on the employees. They lie, side with the gaslighter's version of events and even alter the paperwork to make it look like the manager is the victim and the employee is always to blame
The problem is that the narcissist has HR and senior execs wrapped around their little finger. You can’t win - leave and leave ASAP
@@bhoy67lisbon another problem is that HR sometimes bullies their own staff too.
Yes, I am glad it is brought up as well.
Happened too often in my career.
Coworkers, managers, all play this game.
Siblings too.
Denial of reality and denial of contribution at work is so toxic - I’ve just left a job as the level of gaslighting almost made me lose my mental health balance - my toxic line manager continuously stated in team meetings that I hadn’t done something, and then after the meeting critique me in regards of quality of the said work task and all of this whilst every week my work flow was tightly scrutinised and I kept on working harder and harder until my kid saw me crying one late night at my home pc, I resigned a week later and took some time off before new role. What I found really crushing was my gaslighting toxic line manager was bad mouthing me to the director whilst at the same time making apologies for incompetent fellow colleagues who are their friends - literally rewarding poor performance and at the same breaking down the hard worker - I’ve learnt two things be wary of a friendly good looking line manager (they say on the first time it’s a family, we friends, I believe in ‘servant leadership’…wtf) and women managers and young / Inexperienced line managers are truly messed up in their rush for promotion causing workplace havoc…
Having worked for 25 years, I’m now skilling up so I can go freelance 🧚🏽
You are spot on.
wow were in the same situation howd you coped up
Our #1 commitment is to ourselves as employees. Its to earn money fairly to financially survive. We are not obligated to sacrifice any part of our lives for a gas lighting boss or coworker.
Exactly and I distance myself from them and focus on my job.
I'm being gaslit right now at work. It's so hard being a Black woman in a white space where every word is taken out of context, every question is seen as combative, it's like I have no right to hold anyone accountable or advocate for myself. It all started when I put in my vacation request weeks in advance and my supervisor failed to log it so my schedule was full for the entire week I was off. I brought it to her attention and no support. I asked schedkers to cancel the clients and they told me she has to authorize it. Then she says I gave her one date when I told her another and had our communication in writing I was able to send her a screenshot of the dates and she never apologized. She said I should give her grace as if I was being unreasonable. Ever since then, she's accused me of not following protol in no shows, said I signed something during onboarding and it's in my file. I contacted the trainer and the trainer told me no such document exists. She told me I wasn't running reports, which I'm supposed to do so I reached out to the woman who trained me to make sure I was doing the report correctly and maybe that why it wasn't showing that I have done reports. She got mad at me for advocating and following up my with trainer to make sure I didn't need retraining. I'm a Therapist. I'm pisces. I'm an empath. I'm emotionally exhausted. I am ready to just tell my clients I'm leaving and leave
You sound like a professional victim. Your race has nothing to do with anything you said. Remember victim mentality is your only slavery now. Pisces 😆 they probably want you to quit. Most of you are known for doing the bare minimum and complaining the entire time. How's that for real talk
Oh yikes!!! That totally sucks, especially since the service you provide for people so deeply deserves and requires vacation time! Thank you for your hard work. I wish I could give you a hug and replace this dismissive and hostile manager with someone who celebrates you.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with that garbage. I hope you can leave soon.
embarrassing the boss who can't admit to being human was my mortal sin. Also, speaking up for myself was "combative." I'm white but I used to work in black spaces before landing in an extremely white space, so ... *shrug* people with zero experience of true diversity just don't get that they need to deal with different communication styles. Were you in the midwest? I hated being in Indiana, where you couldn't raise anything that could be remotely considered unpleasant, and getting along was more important than getting things done. Extremely poor workplace outcomes, and big raises for people who either did nothing or did nothing well, but they massaged the boss and were so non-confrontational they couldn't even deal with having two competing ideas in their heads and could never make up their minds.
I hate to say it but that does sound like you're being discriminated against or something shady is going on. God bless. No one deserves that.
Teachers. Teachers everywhere. “You’re not committed to our children, because how dare you ask for a livable wage or a nontoxic work environment.”
Absolutely true. I get it comments all the time. Response: I am caring but I am not a charity
Exactly!!
Yep. I came here to make the same comment. What kind of teacher are you if you don’t want to stay for free after contract hours to tutor children you’ve been teaching all day? How dare you be tired or demand compensation for this extra work?
@@miriamcollins7587 Exactly the reason I left. I want to say, "and I never looked back." However, I did look back. I do look back, because I do miss teaching. I don't miss the gaslighting, the devaluing, the unreasonable demands and the complete lack of boundaries.
The gas lighting is saying that teachers do not get enough money when they are running old and disabled people out of their homes telling the old and disabled they dont deserve to live in their homes if they can't afford to pay outrageous property taxes to support the poisonous police and teachers unions
Gaslighting is something only a person who is experiencing it knows well. Others act like they know it but don't
Spot on. The examples given in the video were not gaslighting and almost all the scenarios mentioned in the comment section are not gaslighting either. Understandable because it took me months to figure out I was being gas lit by an adroit gaslighter. I thought I was going insane until I figured it out.
@@4040smokeyJust because your personal experience of the dynamic is different from a lot of other people, doesn't mean their observations and inferences are invalid. What they faced might not exactly be “gaslighting”, but hey we're all here to get things figured out.
Better not judge, even by the severity of the situation.
My neighbour told someone , that me i am not married may be he is impotent and transgender , i told him in return, why doesn't he send his daughter to my room and check 😂😂😂😂, that's how u handle Gaslight, u don't just keep quiet otherwise they will do it again.
Bcoz they are supporting it and not u simple
I have worked at those places with those people. These employers are getting what they deserve. Don't let them manipulate you. You're first loyalty is to yourself. Whenever I hear "there is no I in team" I say "yes, but it's the middle letter in Tim don't forget it". I stand up to these folks then quit.
Definitely a form of manipulation, and in my experience I believe it can also rise to a level of blatant mental abuse, especially if it's severe and/or unrelenting. Is that an accurate perception?
I agree, I definitely lived through this was I was severely hurt by this mentally recently.
Oh yes definitely a form of mental abuse! I went through it! It's just awful!
💯 extremely abusive. They all seem to find each other though. In my work they travel in packs. Well former work very soon 😞
Oh yes! I have endured burnouts, developed PTSD, constantly anxious and a shadow of my former self because of persistent gaslighting and emotional abuse for over a decade. The scariest part is that it's a group of people doing it, in my case. To know that several individuals have been putting effort, time and energy to destroy me...There is actually an objective to make me feel this way. One would almost feel flattered for being hated that much.
Great video!!! I would also love to see a video on medical gaslighting, as well as narcissism and gaslighting in the education system. Being abused by medical providers, teachers, coaches, school administrators, and even by parents of other kids can have a lasting impact on someone's life. Toxic people inflicting their narcissistic abuse in healthcare, education, and the workplace affects all of us to some degree. So thankful for this channel providing invaluable content on mental health to the public. Keep up the great work! 💗💗💗
I too would love to see this. Well said!
Online gaming communities too.
@@WelfareCenter I'm not a part of any online gaming community, so thank you for suggesting that. I think bullies or "Keyboard Karen's" are a big problem on social media platforms in general. If someone is being mean to you, definitely report it. 💗
You nailed ❤
Some of the worst and cruelest sociopaths and narcissists are working as police or teachers or they are friends and relatives of the police or supporters of the teachers' unions
Been with a company I worked for 20 years great reviews, last two or three years different boss, didn't like me because I wouldn't give in...to be bullied into doing questionable actions...
I took time off for family funeral, they handed me my evaluation which had belligerence on it, when I was coming in to work from the funeral leave. The evaluation had set on a desk in the open for a week, with my personal information up. The staff member that handed it to me was reading on the way to handing it to me. They wrote her up for reading it, without writing up the supervisor who left it out to be read.
I was in a position to quit and did. I was rather spiteful after leaving I will admit, but I saw to it that she got some of her own medicine. I found a boss that knew someone, very nice man, said the first thing that should have been addressed by the company was the fact that my employee information is confidential ( numbers on that paperwork).
Within a few weeks of our conversation she was escorted out in the middle of the day by human resources.
I feel like my ex boss tried to gaslight and emotionally manipulate me. She was my “friend” with the “love you, girl” and all. However, whenever it came to raise/promotion time, none of her promises ever happened. I finally asked HR about it and my boss said that she hates when people go over her head in a threatening way. So, I left that job after almost a decade shortly afterwards.
Thank you so much for this video. It was very informative. It happened to me at work and I felt awful. It was exactly as Dr. Ramani described it, I came with evidence and they doubled down on their version. Very upsetting and tiring to try to defend yourself and without having anyone to back you up. Definitely a wake up call to look for something else and to detach from the stressful environment.
10:24 "It's an interesting point of view. I see something different. That's your experience."
I like this. I will practice this phrase. Thank you so much, @MedCircle Let them think the sky is purple.
Very well explained. Fully agree. Never satisfied. Not recognizing the positive contribution. Tossing out judgement rather than asking questions to understand (the upset client perception is reality, not the 99% of satisfied clients). Being "responsible" when others screw up. Etc.
Its a tough world outhere trying to manuver around all of those narcisist outhere in the world
My neighbour told someone , that me i am not married may be he is impotent and transgender , i told him in return, why doesn't he send his daughter to my room and check 😂😂😂😂, that's how u handle Gaslight, u don't just keep quiet otherwise they will do it again.
Thank you Kyle for asking about efficiency. This is such a muddy topic where, sure, there are numerous distractions that keep people from staying on task and may require a behavioural adjustment. However, the baseline for reasonable workloads has shifted so drastically in the last while that it’s easy to paint unrealistic volume and deadlines as incompetence on the part of the employee-which is a seriously harmful, though not necessarily intentional, gaslighting strategy that is widespread on a societal level.
wish I knew of Dr. Ramani when I was a child. She's a revolutionary
I am being gaslighted and lied to by someone I have to work with closely. He's trying to be the managers pet so he will be the first one to get a promotion. A lot of companies have a "path" to promotion that perpetuates this behavior. I'd like to see tips and strategies on how to navigate these situations.
I've got to the point (when I knew I was going to have person to person contact with a gas lighter)to set up the audio recorder of my phone. Just to make sure I heard what I thought I heard coming from their side. It's a useful way to confirm/prove what is being said. This method has helped me document numerous examples.
"We'll have her back again you all"... best closing words! I need my daily Ramani Wisdom and then some boosters..!! Thank you.
Exactly why I retired early afterworking for a company for 24 years. I gave my all and it was never enough.
Love ur job not ur company, screen shot
In Canadian HR system “Gas Lighting” also falls under Workplace Harassement.
I had been gas lighted by a senior experienced colleague (same title but is one of the knowledgable employee or my boss left hand in company) when we both worked in same project earlier. He would try to undermine my effort or critic me in communication channels on unpaid extra project hours I would put. Recently my boss highlighted my flaws in PIP docs using similar words which that senior used. I thought to reach my HR but the plan of action was my complaint will be dealt by my boss or Boss of boss. I said forget it. I am not a kid. Probably my game plan will be heavy when i get offer in my hand and leave right on time by showing them go now and find someone at my payscale. That will cost them 2 employees and 2 years of product knowledge to train up.
I'm not Canadian, but I imagine gaslighting would be a difficult (and costly) case to prove in court? Narcissists love them a good lawsuit more than anything, and the more expensive and painful, the better
Great information.💯 Now I understand why no one has ever been able to gaslight me. I didn't trust them. If trust is necessary, then they will never succeed. 💪💪💪💪💪💪
Not the exact words, but the message was clear: You're not as great as you think you are. Those people who got bigger raises deserve it despite not doing much of anything that you can see. I really am looking for evidence that you're improving in the (made-up) areas of concern we discussed/I wrote up/ I put in your PIP. It just seems like I'm looking for new things to complain about every time you comply with an old complaint I made. No, I don't see how you would be concerned that your job is in danger, even though I pick on you for every little thing, ice you out of workplace collegiality and decision-making, undermine your authority with your reports, cancel my meetings with you, and refuse to let you do things that all of my other reports have gotten permission to do. We do have EAP, if you have concerns.
Hmm been there done that.....could not believe how evil people could be.
Consider finding a better fit. Environments can change over time, unfortunately. It could be the place was great for you, but with management change, or the addition of just one particular coworker, the whole thing goes to seed overnight!
Omg is your boss/employer mine?! 😅😢
Thank you MedCircle. I will not be defensive but rather factual and If they persist I will move on. Narcissist cause so much hurt for me 😢
I love your videos! Your videos has helped me, so so much! I educated myself and continue to do so. Unfortunately I did show a video to a narcissist (at the time I didn’t know). I learned incredible information from you! I thank you so much. I unfortunate encountered two narcissist at the same time. Never again! Going back to small circle of friend and not adding more. They great and kind.
Nothing worse than a gaslighter. It's unbelievable to me that people do this kind of thing and so many do it.
The information provided by MedCircle and Dr. Ramani is priceless. For so long I couldn't really explain to anyone what I felt was happening to me to ask for help because I didn't even have a name for it, I just knew something was very wrong. Only when I watched one of their videos on Gaslighting did I immediately know. Thank you from the bottom of my heart❣
Thank you for everything you’ve done for us Dr Ramani.
So happy I found this video. I am dealing with a gaslighter at work. So hurtful.
Thank you very much for This extremely informative and helpful conversation. We Absolutely need to stand up for ourselves and we must stick and hold on to reality! Logic and reason are vital while dealing with dellusional and manipulative abusers!
Omg!! My work colleague is doing this to me! I was wondering why i get so much frustration any time I'm dealing with him. I didn't think this is part of gaslighting. Thank you 😊
Wow, this video is fresh on my feed and just what was on my mind about a few things.
Yes I am a victim of Gaslighting
I was recently accused of not being "loyal", when i refused to stay at work late. My boss knew very well, she has no means of holding me there and i knew it too. My workplace does not deserve even a single bit of loyalty, especially my narcissistic boss, who´s only looking for anyone, she can use and abuse.
👍👍👍👍👏👏👏
This is such a great video thank you! Learned a lot
The worst abuse happens to those who are near retirement we need a few years to make a living retirement wage, so the bosses pile on the work, bad schedule, lazy coworkers, etc.
Yes
It is such help to listen to you and learn so much understanding! I loved Pschology in colege and had A's but did not finish and it is terrible, as had a 3.8 Phi Theta Kappa but too bad now and no reason now, as I am 72 yrs old But honestly I needed to have truly stuck to it, and in this day I find I need to learn all I can about various topics you have on You Tube. Thank you
Thanks for supporting mental health education! 💙
Thank you for this informative video !
My mom tried to shift the blame on me, so I call her out on it and she said I was too sensitive and I actually said no, something I have learnt from watching videos and she tells me that she was just joking playing it off as just that and I said no again and for once she had nothing else to say. Thank you to the people who taught narcissistic personality disorder and open my eyes to it.
The term originates from the movie Gaslight with Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman, where a husband tries to convince his wife and all around her that she's going insane in order to gain control of her estate. I had a boss who was a pro at this. When I came back from family leave after a death in the family, I was given triple the respobsility, including the AM and Manager's work with longer hrs and no increase in pay and my boss came to me when they needed more work done by someone and actually said since you're back at work you know you've been doing less work right? And after months of this when I complained about the longer hrs and no overtime, my boss said I should be glad she's making me work more hrs so I don't have to go home and think about my mother who passed away.
Sorry I meant triple the responsibility.
😳
It actually is from the play a street car named desire which pre dated the movie and was the inspiration for it.
What! 😮 that’s so rude.
I hope you told that vile creature your mind.
That's very sad sorry to hear that
Yes this is what my new boss is doing to me. She is trying to make me believe that her incompetence is my fault. There's not a damn thing I can do about other than find another job.
exactly what i am thinking now
At the company I worked for, it was the norm to do overtime every day. Even though we got paid for it, if we left the office when our shift finished, we were described as someone who doesnt care about the job. Once they did not want to pay our salaries (who knows where the money went), but they expected us to be loyal to the company, because "we are a family that should stick together in hard times". When some of us got burnt out and wanted to take a few days off, afterwards had to listen to the boss saying he hasnt been on vacation for years. After I quit, my boss fake cried in front of me, and told me how sad he was I would be leaving. Then, told 2 of my coworkers behind my back that Im untalented uncapable of this kind of job anyway. Then, he told me I would never find such a job opportunity ever again.
These people are crazy hope your doing well.
I've been gas lighted in situations where my memory is questioned regarding events. One person in particular likes to say that conversations were had and commitments made, when in fact they were not. Then this person makes fun of me and tells others how 'forgetful' I am. The actual truth is that the whole thing is a setup. It's quite abusive, discrediting, and embarrassing. Then others begin to think that I'm unreliable or forgetful. I called the person on this behavior the other day and of course they denied it all. I work in a very fast pace environment so I typically take detailed notes and calendar appointments as soon as conversations are had. Any other tips for overcoming this gas lighting with my sanity intact??
There's no way to avoid this person in my current job position. I've even considered leaving over it.
It is torture. I used to get “ remember I told you” can’t stand it! I felt like saying “ If I remembered, I would not of asked” or “ could T give me the date and time you told me this?”
I believe you. Sounds like an awful and abusive situation to be in and in that level , please leave as soon as your able to do so. Your mental health is important ❤
Dr. Ramini is just a font of knowledge in the space of all things Narcissism.
I want to add that blame deflection can be skewed. For example if an employer is gaslighting you and blaming you for not meeting an unrealistic expectation or a double standard and you are trying to explain the reasons why things aren’t working the way they want by pointing out that others aren’t pulling their weight and you are picking up the slack and it’s interfering with your ability to meet their unrealistic expectation, then they turn around and say you are blame deflecting. When they want you in two places at once but have left a mountain of work that was supposed to have been taken care of by a coworker on an earlier shift in one of those places, which then makes it impossible for you to be in the other place at the same time. Then when you point out the reason to them, you are told that they don’t believe that’s actually happening and you are just passing off blame.
Thank you for this info
More needs to be done to ensure that the right people are in management. This is an age old problem! One of the reasons of course is that narcs and socipaths rise to the top !!!!
So do “yes” people which are also bad managers because they don’t really do anything for their employees and they let the inmates run the asylum because they are too lazy and don’t want to do their job.
Working in special education with other staff members, and working in the restaurant business, I have worked with way too many bullies, narcissists, and even psychopaths.
Great clarification on what gaslighting is.
If you are accused of being 'crazy', go along with it. I am quite OK with being crazier than anybody else and will go further than anyone else. Once the gaslighters understand that the tables are turned. I guess being an ugly, heavily built man in his late 40s helps...
Just had this with my boss they gave me double the work on a Friday and I asked what’s going on this is to much work. I’ve been at the job over 8months and know when the workload is beyond reasonable expectations. They threw it back at me saying they looked back at their days of working and they had xyz. No back up plan denial that it maybe unreasonable expectations when I sent my work load my manager asked if it was for one week and I told them I wish. They responded with “start earlier since I’m on salary”.
Im starting to think I’m gaslighting them into making management decisions because I’m asking for help. That’s when I realized they really gas lit me. I’ve been told for 8months just wait until this date it’ll get better. Out of touch management is the bottom line.
Oh, my gosh. The part where Dr. Ramani talks about denial of contribution. My former boss did this to my all.the.time! I worked for her for 8 years, and she never recognized my contributions, never put my name on reports or anything. And when I brought it up, she's say things like "well, we can't get recognized for everything we do". Meanwhile, she expected her name on every piece of work I produced, even when her contributions were minimal. I hated this woman. She just went out of her way to deny me any credit for anything I did, and she thought this was acceptable. She would also take my ideas and pass them off as her own.
Dr Ramani is so good she's not afraid to tackle the taboo subject matter of sociopaths and narcissists being in positions of power whether it's in the medical establishment or political establishment or police forces
Yes that's the thing a good leader is going to look at their subordinates as you know part of the team as an asset and a lot of these leaders are just not trustworthy and so people have to start understanding that just because they say that they're these great people doesn't mean they are
Been there. He gaslights us into thinking that if we dont help with the work, that is not within our scope, is us being bad and not helping.
💕Dr.Ramani
I love seeing videos on this topic. After one experiences being gaslit in the workplace, one then builds the muscle and can take ownership as to whether or not to remove themselves from those individuals. People don’t change, you need to make the change to protect yourself from further harm. ❤
My neighbour told someone , that me i am not married may be he is impotent and transgender , i told him in return, why doesn't he send his daughter to my room and check 😂😂😂😂, that's how u handle Gaslight, u don't just keep quiet otherwise they will do it again.
thankyou ❤️ 🙏
That's what my mum did to me. So hard to shake off that feeling like there must be something wrong with me. Makes me a target in the work place
Some people use gaslighting as a method to shut down a productive conversation. Can you create a video about the misuse of gaslighting? Thank you!
All gaslighting is misuse
TY,
Please maintain your own reality- Dr. Ramani
May you begin or continue to practice self care daily ☺️
Laugh 😂 out 🤣 loud 😹 daily 😘
Namaste
🕊️Peace 🤸 Shalom 🐵
Here I was clicking on this video thinking this would help me with colleagues who keep lighting their farts.
🤣where do you work? Sounds like fun
Thank you 🤔❤🇺🇸
getting educated with these video's. learning
My boss asked me why I haven't asked for a raise due to her hiring someone straight out of school at a higher pay than I was making after 5 years working. Then told me to come in her office and ask for the raise. So I did. Then DENIED my raise! I was dumbfounded then quit shortly after that WTF moment. Same woman before I started there told me she'd hire me but come back after I had my baby. I suppose 1998 was a lot different.
dealing with that right now. gaslighting my contract!
My boss is a gaslighter. But, as I know her likely narcissistic family background, I know I’ve needed to accept that it’s how she basically functions. Doesn’t happen all the time. But, still, I recognize it and I do recognize that, as she’s a bit of a weak person, that you should indeed worry about “weak” people. Because they become as threatened as a cornered animal and, yeah, they’ll double-down and it won’t be the end of the attack, because they’ll feel the need to take care of you permanently. So, I address it much like Dr. Ramani says. I know the stance, I know the goal, I’ll even let her think I respect her opinion. But, I SURE AF don’t incorporate her advice into my life! I know that the end game of that would be to giddily watch my life detonate from the sidelines, then gaslight me out of what she told me, on top of that!
I had my evaluation this past Friday. They tried to make me feel awful about myself and gave me a zero percent raise.
THIS! describes people who use gaslighting to keep people in their control,to make them obey out of fear.
My former employers went so far as to destroy daily paperwork and delete appointments that had been entered into online calendar After I left for the day to make it appear I was not doing my job to co-workers and to try to make me question my reality. Make it appear I was not remembering correctly.
I was forced to take pictures daily just before leaving to prove the work was done and appointments were scheduled and entered. This made them more aggressive to where they Illegally accessed my phone, stole from my purse and broke into our home and stole from my family. Then placed personal small items around the office they had stolen. Of course I didn't realize most of this until too late. And if I had spoken out about it all it would prove to everyone that I was losing my mind 😕.
Needless to say I quit. And of course it was said that I left them in the lurch and messed things up at their business.
If not for these videos, every once in a while I would still question myself about whether I correctly understand/discerned what happened. Now I can without question feel confident in what they tried to do and that it wasn't me just being emotional because of betrayal.
Thank you for these videos!
Now that I have "spoken about it" and reflecting on it maybe the whole purpose of what they did was to get me to quit because I wouldn't look the other way and keep quiet about their shady, even unlawful business practices 🤔.
Well, except for the 6+years of berating myself and questioning if I am the one to blame, the one totally at fault... it was a win/win for both parties. I guess.
Oh I am going through this right now. My narc subordinate wanted some kind of weird relationship with me so she could come and go as she pleases and doesn't have to follow rules. I said no. Next thing I know I am being accused of sexual harassment by this person. There is no evidence that I even remotely sexually harassed this person. I am now suspended and my termination is pending. I hired an attorney and the attorney said unfortunately because you were the supervisor you will automatically be seen as the aggressor. I'm an Accounting Manager at a public school district. This woman claims that I wanted to spend hours in her office sitting next to her because I was so in love with her. No, bitch, we were processing payroll. I am a 36 year old female fitness advocate. She is a 55 year old obese woman. Do people realistically think I wanted a relationship with her? The level of crazy that exists in this world is unreal.
What about an employee gaslighting the boss? Spreading doubt on the behavior, teamwork and performance of coworkers in order to look better?
Signed onto a crew of 3 about 2 years ago for the supervisor of a bakery I've known for 8 years.
I watched her abuse the previous employee out because I was more efficient for the numbers, and listened to her complain about how difficult it was to deal with.
The previous girl had made more than me and I once made the mistake of asking about why I was still making the same as I started at, and my supervisor actually had the nerve to act confused because I said thanks to the starting wage and tried to argue that I should be thankful to afford 2 old scooters to commute on...
Recently tried to fix everything with a surprise raise, laying it on real thick about how she broke protocol to get it to me before the holidays... It's $0.50 less than the previously mentioned person and comes with the contingency that I need to be able to essentially run things on my own if need be...
She flips out about the smallest hints of "abandonment," showed up to my house with my check after I refused to indulge a fight, and has defensively convinced everyone else that I scare her.
I don't want to leave anyone hanging, but this is clearly an unhealthy situation I need out of and I dread the retribution of trying to leave. We don't really have an HR, I'm hoping the owners are just scared enough of litigation-happy people to let me give notice confidentially and figure out where to go from there...
Is it to broad to call it psychologically abusive.
Over time, can break a spirit.
A topic that needs much attention, as narcissistic abuse has been receiving.
Thank you for your help
My experience: contracted as nurse. Expected from me to do catch-up work of 2+ years all the while when the persons responsible for lagging still working therr. When I refused to cont doing it, I was "moved aside"... bad attitude was their diagnosis of me
This happens alot in the military unfortunately, I was Senior Line Corpsman of 2 companies simultaneously and had a student status P eval and I also would have to show up to another guys field opps because he had BPD and did think he had to be there. I retired with that P eval.
Compelled speech comes to mind here.
I had a job say bc I had a part time job that they didn’t think I was committed to my full time job. Except my part job didn’t interfere with my full time.
They said- I don’t get why you have a part time job and a full time job. Other people are happy with just their full time job here.
They got quiet when I said I have a part time job for financial reasons.
Kyle asks a good question about work. Here is an example: Employee A is not given Continuing education credits, AND also asked to do comp time to attend work seminars and conferences, earn CEU credits. Employees B and C are given both provided education funding and paid time off to attend conferences, earn CEU credits and work seminars. Employee B and C then decides to dis Employee A and expect expect extra privileges and are given them by the supervisor. When Employee A asks to work on the issue of the unfairness the supervisor laughs and says there is no problem.
I've been meaning to ask something for a long time. Gaslighting is usually associated with the gaslighter being in a position of trust and?or power. But what about situations when the gaslighter skips the first step? For example, a toxic neighbour who's trying to gaslight someone who fights against their crap. Obviously, it's less effective (if at all), and works more like a smear campaign than chipping at one's sanity, but all of the patterns of gaslighting are still there: denying reality (no, I didn't do x, y, z), attacking character and questioning sanity (you're crazy and do x, y, z yourself), etc. It's still gaslighting, right?
Most people think they know what "begging the question" is and I guarantee that virtually no one on TV has a clue.
HR called me agressive today for reporting another agent for harassment. The agent sent me a full email berating me. They wrote me up. I contacted a lawyer today.
heyy i have fallen for this so many times and its so painful to realize whats happening. i found this song that really explains it really well its by an artist calles miss tony gaslighting
My boss is asking me to drive 4 hrs/day without pay. I expressed that I am not willing to work shifts that require that. He came back saying I am not a team player.
Its become very common practice for NHS managers to say 'you are not thinking of the patients' when you know you are working in unsafe staffing levels, if you complain or challenge them this has become a stanard response. Every nurse i know bows down because nobody wants to neglect the patient but it continues the very bad situation.
I was gaslighted at work, when I didn't react to my boss, he became an asshole because I wouldn't submit. Knew what was going on, so it made me really anxious and caused me panic. I decided I was going to step back. Stopped taking on projects that didn't add to my learning.
I am an African American sheriff deputy who filed a racial discrimination complaint against my supervisors. I supplied witnesses and my boss admitted threatening my job . The HR Director still blamed me at the investigation findings . It was awful ! My boss’ was ok with my colleagues placing an imagery of “ Minnie Jackson “ from the movie “ The Help”. They placed an icon of this black maid character under my name on their personal cellphone. I complained also about that and in the interview they downplayed it . I felt so dirty walking out that meeting . HR then returned me to work under these supervisors and they retaliated and tormented me afterwards.
Horrible, those demons will pay for this nonsense
I'm so sorry that's awful.
Thank you for the video. My husband went in an interview today and watching this video only 3/4 way through I called him and told him don't take that job. My husband shared the person gaslit him before the interview even started. Run!
I think it happened to me. They started saying it was because i wamted to feel like a god who wanted validation. Hurt so bad. Coulsnt jave been further from the truth.
But i capitulated and empathazied on there pov. And it lowered me. Stay strong.
UPS does this as a company all of the time, in almost any scenario...if your truck gets backed up and you can no longer keep it... "he doesn't care enough to be a supervisor"... or when they run the management short staffed..."he doesn't know how to motivate his employees"...or when they want to reduce overtime they tell you at the beginning of the week, " 40 hours, make it work" then you manage to hit 38, they shame you into 37.50