My narc uncle promised their daughter they wouldn’t try to control her wedding if she let him pay. He then proceeded to not “tell her” to uninvite me because I’m not taking care of grandma , he’s just going to have him and grandma constantly freak out daily to the point she thinks they will start fights. He “won” and felt good. I have a hunch his daughter now views him as the man who lied to pay for the wedding, abused her and took advantage of her kindness, and will never feel he did that out of love.
@@rosemary4802 Not really. I have used this response and all it does is open a portal of verbal abuse thrown at me. He always has an "answer" even if it's not a reasonable one.
When you’re with a narcissist, it’s hard to tell if you’re their partner or babysitter. It’s exhausting when you’re the mature one in the relationship, and they’re stuck in a perpetual state of emotional immaturity.
The narcissist will want to be the adult, while they treat you like a child. But this dynamic never ends well. They’re not responsible. They take no accountability for themselves. They’re a disaster waiting to happen.
My ex (Who to be fair was 10 years older than me) always called me immature. Her being 10 years older than me and having 4 kids makes people believe it instantly. The truth however... I'm immature because I don't have a drivers license (I'm Dutch, we are a bicycle country, lots of adults don't have licenses and the country is pretty damn small to begin with), I'm immature because I don't conform to her unreasonable and selfish takes, I'm immature because I tell her when she isn't doing the right thing as a parent (which she ALWAYS agrees with me being right, yet never changes it and keeps calling me immature while I'm being the example, her 3 teens backing me up as well), I'm immature because I had issues with how she is with her ex (still acting like partners, knowing he wants her back and her liking it and being untruthful and coercive to me. This dude was sent to jail for being a teacher that had multiple girls of 17 he was grooming and did all that while lying to her and always having on a mask of being perfect and doing things around the house and doing everything for her she wanted, or in other words he is a massive income of supply, but with a huge mask on that she can't see through), I'm immature because I'm not rich yet, I'm immature because I come from a poor family that never had vacations so I "don't know nothing of the world", I'm immature because I had a rough past and don't know how to be "normal" because I'm always on guard and missed out on a lot of "normal" things in life, I'm immature because I look younger than my actual age, etc. etc. She was a self-righteous narcissist. They look like adults, know how to come across as adults, but in reality they're more like spoiled, hormonal teens.
@@MunkeyKung You nailed it: when not getting their way or otherwise manipulating you, they will accuse you of being "immature" or "selfish." They, however, are like 5 year olds. Scary as heck, though, when a powerful 6"6' adult is having a tantrum. Dangerous, too.
@@cathytai Indeed, calling me selfish was also one of her favorites 😅 They actually went hand in hand often times: "You're so immature, that's why you're so selfish." That is very scary yea... And they use that to intimidate or brute force ("Well what you want to do about it?" knowing you can't overpower them) as well... I'm lucky I was the dude in the relationship... She would never try to attack or threaten me. Female narcissists mainly have to resort to dirty mind-games for that reason (manipulation, playing the victim, twisting words, triangulating, etc.), which also makes them fly under the radar more easily. Everything has it's plusses and minusses heh heh 😅 Hoping you're no longer in such a situation.
My narc ex bewildered my lawyer and the divorce mediator by trying to fight over Lego sets while I focused on the adult tasks like the refinancing of the house, ownership of our pets, and all of the responsible tasks. It was so validating to see them both shaking their head over his childish antics
I thought that was insightful also.. it is EXHAUSTING being the responsible one..& even 3 years out I’m still exhausted! Of course my life got shredded in the “escape” which is no picnic. But never again!!
"Like being the only sober person in the room" - I have been in both these situations and they are very similar. You can't relax or fully be yourself, because you are essentially babysitting adults. Exhausting.
Yes. Don’t waste valuable time in thinking up solutions to their issues, whatever it is. I have never, ever seen a narcissist act on any advice I’ve given. They are much too bitter and petty for that. They go straight back to dominant control mode.
OMG, so Brilliant. Had to immediately watch twice. Validation x100! I'm speechless. "Responsibility without the Power", and this includes the many, many narcissists in my lifetime who zeroed in on my responsible nature and exploited it. No wonder we feel like we're going crazy. Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani, for putting the words to my suspicions that I am the one who painfully kept the trains running. No more Mommy Nice Guy.
Even if you have the capacity and ability to do an adult repair or project, they will find a way to mess it up. They will blame you for THEIR mess up, too. They don't want you to do anything that could possibly make THEM Look Bad in any way. If you begin in front of them or complete a project, they will say, " I was just going to do that," or "Do YOU even know what you are doing?" Every aspect of your inner self is questioned, berated, belittled and destroyed. I know this for a fact. I am rebuilding and I am stronger than ever before. I am also very mindful of my actions. I do not want to upset or unsettle things. This time, it is for my peace, my aspirations and my soul. 😊
This happened with my ex’s . I thought they were independent guys, only to find out they were super irresponsible, and so I had to take responsibility for things like working, driving, paying bills, trying to make healthy choices, and getting insurance things sorted, only to be overpowered controlled critisized minimized abused and gaslit by them. I was told I ‘emasculated’ them because I had to take responsibility for things they couldn’t do like pay our rent. Even with my family, I over sacrificed my life to help them with their issues, only to be criticized, judged, shamed, controlled, minimized, treated like a child, and gaslit by them too. Super messed up. Not believing the lies. I am a good mature healthy responsible person but am not responsible for them. So grateful for this community. Thank you Dr Ramani. ❤
Well, someone who has trouble paying the rent from a mental capacity standpoint, is far from a man. A relationship is both people reciprocating and loving each other and meeting each other's needs. Those are hard lessons we have to learn when we are younger sometimes. In short, find a real man who complements your life, not complicates it.
you can repeat back whatever they are saying in an attacking way, but change it to make them responsible for it instead. so if they say “of course you haven’t made dinner! you only ever think of yourself!” and you say “oh it sounds like you’re upset because you’re hungry and don’t want to have to cook for yourself.” talk to them like the child they are, but put the responsibility back in their hands and leave them to solve it. cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
I remember, right before leaving my narc husband, thinking I couldn't stand being married to a child for one more second! When you start seeing other people who are actually adults in their adult bodies, it's so refreshing 😌😊
The source of my lifelong anger right there! And then the first 14 years of being an adult I was gaslighting myself into believing my anger was invalid.
My mother earned her bachelor's degree, but my step father wouldn't allow her to take a professional, well-paying, job because "it would put them in a higher tax bracket". 🙄 She worked a series of low paying jobs with no opportunity for advancement that worked for his schedule. In addition to working full time, she did 95% of the work around the house, including most of the mowing. He controlled the money, though, because he earned the majority of it. She had little say in how it was spent.
My soon-to-be ex-friend threw a full-on petulant child tantrum when I made it clear what my boundaries need to be and that "no means no," literally throwing things and slamming doors. Then he demanded that I account for *my* "childish behavior" of yelling - which, while I admit that I did was only because he was attempting to overtalk me as usual when I told him he was violating my boundaries *yet* again. Time to get out of this toxic relationship.
I have apologized and made excuses for his behavior since 5 months into this relationship. His father passed away. I became protective of him. I realize, just now, that this is when it began. Gradually. Even to his teammates on his local soccer team. Right from the beginning. Another "AhhHaa" moment, Doc. It was never me. 😊 💙 💙 💙 💙 💙
Omg, yes! I always said it was like being married to a 13 year old. I did all the housework, he did the yard work which fine in the summer, but all winter we should share the household chores since we both work.
My teenage years were very much like that. All the responsibility, none of the rights or privileges. It was so different with my younger brother's teenage years.
Dr Ramani, your videos are life saving tools. I don't have enough words to say it. Even if we already know some main topics like this one... Your way of making it so clear helps us bringing things to light, bringing things in clear thoughts, freed from fake emotions and confusion and narcissistic chaos
Wow. All the " responsibility" and consequences but none of the benefits that were actually earned. I'm done with those types and their enablers. Thanks Dr Ramani 🙏
I was the sensible grown up, while I was married to a narcissist ex husband. It was exhausting. Years later I became aware of the smear campaigning, as if I did nothing in the marriage 👿👿👿. Power Persevering in Prayers Psalms 1-150🤲🙌🙏👑🇯🇲
Oh yeah! They love to make the world think they do everything, when in fact, they do next to nothing. My narcissistic spouse pulled the same stuff. Fooled many people!
This video felt exactly like what my 'marriage' with my ex-husband was like. And yes, I was parentified as a child because my old man didn't give a rip he had a family and my martyr was an angry immature mess who constantly needed support and her hand held. There was nothing left for me. I appreciate the validation from this video. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
Later in our relationship I got into the mother role to see if I could help my narc. It was an amazing experience. One day I was angry with him for something idiotic he’d done and sharply chastised him. He looked at me with such hurt and said, “I just want to be a good child!” He quickly corrected himself and said “I mean good guy”.
When I was growing up I heard my name being called it seemed a thousand times a day. There were the narcissistic parents and three other siblings in the house. My younger sister was born when I was thirteen. My mother did not wash her cloth diapers. I did. She did not make her bottles and wash her clothes. I did, plus everybody else’s clothes in the house. They didn’t have a dryer and when I hung clothes up where the male parent had clotheslines up in the house in winter, if the clothes weren’t dry when they wanted them, they raged at me. They expected me to control the weather.
bruh this triggered my memory my narc just had laundry he wanted done, that was left in my van, that he didn't take out ever for me to wash, and then he JOKINGLY brought it up and got mad at me that it just didn't get done, and because of how he has acted in past, been serious about that with anger, I lost it and kinda went off on him not sure if he was joking with me or not, and it was like not fucking funny at all to me, but he laughed and I am nauseated by that's how he acts.
No, thank you, Dr. R. I continue to learn and practice skills I learned from listening to you. Yesterday I practiced radical acceptance together with grey rock. He tried to provoke me multiple times. Yay me. 😊
Spot on ! I’ve literally said that on so many occasions ! I have two children in the household. My 6 year old & a 43 year old who is mentally stunned . I feel like his mother & think he stays for those exact reasons. Especially for the child who he uses a pawn .
lol the timing of this! OMG Literally just had another argument with the narcissist ….. this is exactly what I tried explaining to him… ya I made the mistake once again by trying to explain… 🤦♀️
All this has caused me to not want children and not sure about a partner. I get anxiety thinking about the future and about additional responsibilities. I try to keep things simple as possible as can be. I sometimes dont feel good enough or capable enough.
The last thing I said to the narc when I stopped seeing him was "I'm too old for you", even though he had a couple of years on me. Most immature, developmentally arrested man I'd ever met. He thought he was the big man, bossing and ordering, while still doing his laundry at his ex's house, and needing women "friends" to clear out the rotten food in his fridge.
As always!!!! Everything you say matches my relationship with my mother. Every. Single. Thing. that you talked about!!! I remember when i was 10 or 11, i was being reprimanded by her friend as to why im not protecting my mother against my dad, yet, about the same age, i was complaining about my dad, i was told that if i don't like that, then i need to listen to him so that i get what i want.
This relationship is very exhausting, one literally feels drained😬😬😬 also the narc is not alike a child, he is alike a wasp that will stop at nothing, even when his plans are irrational, it is just to serve his inner needs.
This is why my development got so messed up. I was the only person acting like an adult in my family of origin, but I was treated like a child by everyone. It was crazy making. I was filing my taxes as head of household at the age of 20, financially carrying my disabled parent. But my sibling who's younger wife had to teach him how to dress like a 'big boy' thinks he's the responsible one and treated me like a nuisance even though I took care of my Mom without any help from him for years.
Bingo! I am at 68 the care giver, even for my own family who doesn't understand why. My parents ( father is narc and mother is co dependent enabler) think I still need to be constantly feeding their needs.
Ask yourself with the partner you are with. If a crisis happened in your life would they support you could you even talk to that person about it, would they understand , would they be with you , support you, could you lean on them. With a narc ,NEVER , You cant get support and understanding from a toddler. Imagine living a life with this person . YOUR ON YOUR OWN ALWAYS , NOT FORGETTING DEALING WITH ALL THIER DRAMA THEY MAKE UP. EXHAUSTING .
Literally knew someone who made everyone out to be emotionally immature and delusional while claiming to be the only adult who had a strong grasp of reality. She'd regularly lash out when criticized or when someone disagreed with her and demanded an apology while refusing to take accountability for her actions. She'd also tell people to grow up when they complained and downplayed their celebratory moments but then got deeply offended when they didn't share any news with her. Felt everyone was always indebted to her while she never thanked or expressed gratitude to anyone
I get so sad when adults treat their child as an equal. The worst is when adults dump adult situations on their child. That is a child, not an equal. My feeling of stability was stolen when my mother discussed adult issues with you. I remember being 7 years old when my mom threatened that we may have to lose our house and we would have to live with relatives. That set me up for severe financial abuse by my ex and others. You’re the parent
Oh, I know this! Being a teenager who was the caregiver for my elderly father who had Alzheimers while dealing with the selfishness of my narcissistic mother who didn't lift a finger unless she had an audience to see her perform her act of the "suffering wife of a sick husband". On top of that, she would tell people that I was living off her and not lifting a finger so that nobody would help a lazy and selfish user/loser like me.
Thank You Dr Ramani 🙏❤ it is so interesting how many different situations from my past (different people, too) that scroll through my memory as you're talking ... I think a little bit of me heals every time I see one of your videos and it validates what I "know" I went through and probably heals more things I didn't even know I was going through.🙏I am so grateful for you❤️
Thank you Dr Ramani for the video! Morsel to chew on ..& have validation on EXACTLY why the relationship was SOOO EXHAUSTING! I “forgot” because I’m too tired to remember! AND.. thank you for your book! It’s a bitter pill to swallow and heartbreak honestly to realize the level of torment I put up with. I AM GRATEFUL for your calm measured breakdown. AND the opportunity to be be reminded “ITS NOT YOU!”
Walking talking living breathing eating Train Wrecks, all in the Name of ' family', ' work' , 'religion' , ' community' etcetera, pray people ! Use Discernment and Caution Tread Carefully Education and Discernment using Caution at all costs . Thank you Dr. Ramani for helping us to Survive these mal formed mal adapted individuals .
AND you must be the normal adult in interactions with the narcissist because the narcissist believes he or she is the normal adult - exasperating and draining
Just realized that my dad is an elderly toddler. He's like Peter Pan, the boy who doesn't like to grow up. He wished that everything is taken care for him, everything handed to him in a silver platter.
Thank you Doctor Ramani is a 5 star. Sounds like a story I know very well. When I was a kid I'd always say I need to go care for my kids and that was my parents. This is where the child becomes depleted of parenting themself,self love and depleted to be a child as they get to busy parenting the parent. While they get treated like a kid who knows nothing by the controlling adult kid parent. Thank you greatly appreciated.
Dr. Ramani - I've been watching your videos for a few years now and the extensive information you've presented has been EXTREMELY beneficial to me, specifically allowing me to finally understand the highly dysfunctional relationship I had with my now deceased mother. I am though still very hung up on the fact that almost all the serious professional mental health services I sought out beginning in the mid 1970s were next to completely useless! So my question now is how do I deal the fact that these highly respected professionals did virtually nothing to help me decade after decade. I just don't know how to deal with that.
I hear you, there should be more Dr Ranani,s in the world. Especially Australia Our Health Professionals could take a leaf out of her Book😂😂😂 It,s Not You😊
Not having lunch packed or money to buy lunch at school was my own fault. It was also my fault for not reminding them to get groceries if I did remember to pack it myself with undiagnosed ADHD.
*Amazing video, you work for 40yrs to have $1M in your retirement, meanwhile some people are putting just $10K into trading from just few months ago and now they are multimillionaires*
Hello , I am very interested. As you know, there are tons of investments out there and without solid knowledge, I can't decide what is best. Can you explain further how you invest and earn?
I'm favoured, $90K every week! I can now give back to the locals in my community and also support God's work and the church. God bless America,, all thanks to Lisa Annette Robinson 😊🎉
Another video where I am totally living this right now, deep in the throes... and yes, I am and have been exhausted and in physical pain from all the extra work. Help Mr Wizard!!!😢
The only difference is im the default breadwinner, have my own business, and have control of the finances. I work pretty much every day, until the sun goes down. He decided he will be the stay at home parent. He wont take any money to do anything. He just tells me what he needs, and I have to go get it. Won’t go grocery shopping. Won’t go anywhere or do anything, and has the excuse of no money. If he has mentioned he is out of something, the next time he needs it he will start a fight because I haven’t gotten it yet. When the kids need anything, or have appointments, I have to take the day off to take them. Literally anything that requires responsibility falls on me. Its been twenty years, and our oldest is 15, and youngest is 2. I’ve always thought he would grow up and man up at some point, but I’ve given up hope in that department.
I grew up with a Ndad. Becoming self-aware n self-reflective is sth to be celebrated when it happens. It's a hard journey you are starting, but we are so happy you r starting it. Blessings on you as you move forward!
My mother ruined my life in every possible way.. got me married off to a psychopath when I was 16.. but claims she’s responsible for the life I created for myself working relentlessly nonstop. I live in Melbourne but she still manages to ruin my peace by a single call from Chennai.
IT Hit me so Hard. Absolutely. All the responsibility without the Power. With two little Kids i Do everything and is "only" the finance "Boss" and keeps telling everyone He does everything. Its so cruel.
Sounds just like the Hospital System in Australia these days. Senior / older long term staff, are called "OLD WOOD", management decided they wanted young University trained staff, hence getting RID of the " OLD WOOD" but that then creates a problem because of a Lack of experience, especially no in the IT world, power goes down, and they panic😮 No idea how to revert back to Basics Hence there the NUM,s but we are carrying them, but not getting paid the NUM rates😮
Dr. Ramani, can you do a video about the difference between parentification and acceptable responsibilities for kids? It’s something I want to be mindful of when raising my child ❤
I had no idea, I just thought it was normal that I was the grownup as a child, I thought I was being unreasonable thinking the parent should know better or do better. Thank you I feel so heard
My dad literally said "One day I expect you to pay me back for all I've done for you." He said this to me in front of my malignant narcissist mom, and rendered her shocked and speechless, and that's saying something.
This is so common and familiar to me. Many of my relationships felt like this. Definitely family of origin. Responsibility was idolized in the cult. Then in my marriage and work, they get the power/money and to be the adventurous and fun ones while I take care of everything and key things running and take the blame when their frivolity has consequences. Responsibility without the respective appropriate power/resources....need to sit with that one, likely some aha there for me.
Yes, I had to be the "grown up" as a child, yet other aspects of me were perpetually arrested in development. Aspects that would have allowed me any sense of individuation or natural maturation. That was the catch. And now I exist with it.
Your comments are exactly what I went though growing up in a narc house. So insightful and true. Your last sentence bothers me, because I have lived it. You don't have to "exist with it." The narcs beat down others so we learn to put up with thier wrongs. Then, when they panic in a crisis or something, we help them through it. No, we deserve better. Narcs are leaches. They rob us of a good and normal life if we don't break off their bad influences. May you find the freedom you deserve.
Amazing! Thank you Dr Ramani! I always learn valuable pieces of information from your videos! As a child I was always on guard, I could never predict when the rage and tantrums would materialize. After the bomb was dropped and the person with NPD traits was back to "normal". I still didn't understand any of the w's. Who, why, what, where or when! However everyone else in the environment was traumatized and the bomb dropper was off doing the usual!
We have four children. At first I would joke and say “it is hard to be a single mother of five.” And then I realized it was not a joke. It is my reality.
I am in the thick of it again. Being accused of "not being there" and therefore blamed for narc mother not understanding contract terms but signing anyway. Mind you, I have been visiting every week (a1-hr drive each way) for nearly 2 years now--taking care of taxes, contractor negotiations, you name it. She can't manage the house, refuses to move, and then has the gall to blame ME for HER screw-up! I was livid and said, "Oh, I can show you what my not being here looks like." And yet I will be there next week to communicate with yet another contractor and to drive her to a doctor appt. Between a rock and a hard place. I keep telling myself fixing the house now better than having to deal with it as part of the estate. But after this next visit, I'm taking a long break.
This was so exhausting. I never had enough money to do anything for myself even though it felt like we had plenty. I never knew where it all went. I do now and I am happily divorced, and the kids are all adults and doing well.
Dr.Ramani, you have absolutely no idea how much I am promoting your name and your posts. Please forgive me. You speak the truth. I have experienced much of what you speak of, so I know I can correlate with what you say. I hope, one day, to use your name in a movie. I’m working on it.
I'm definitely in this situation, being the grownup with my mother. It's exhausting to have to be the one maintaining my own emotional while she gets to melt down over the slightest thing.
Taking on responsibilities without the proper mandates is inhumane and not doable in the long run... I d get now it was my own choosing to take them on while they were not mine to carry anyway though...now training my self to not step into my pitfalls anymore... Thank you Dr. Ramani 🎉❤ ✨️⚓️💞🐛💝🙏💝🦋💞⚓️✨️
A narcissist will never greet you by saying "hi" or "how are you?" when you go in to place an order. Instead, you will look at the menu, and they might say, "What can I get started for you?" or "May I take your order?" or "Are you ready?" This is a code language among narcissists. Being kind or saying "hi" or "how are you?" lowers their standards😈
Wow. As an adult now, seeing the road ahead when my Ndad doesn't, it really feels like I am walking a small child across the street, and not taking it personally when they run into the traffic.
Dr Ramani, I'd love a discussion between you and Sam Vatkin, who calls himseld the father of narcissism. I bought your latest book and I keep it as a bible for my daughter. The knowledge it's a life saver. Thank you. You saved my life.
Dr Ramani After spending countless hours thinking about being the adult in the room I will say that I would gladly take on raising 2 year olds all over again versus living with a self centered narcissist who refuses to take on any responsibility. I have come to the conclusion that this person is part bipolar, narcissistic and a sociopath. I have adult children from a previous relationship and I enjoyed them as children and I enjoyed encouraging them to move forward in life and I am proud of their accomplishments today as well as the people they have become.
They're grown-up children who throw tantrums to get their way.
My narc uncle promised their daughter they wouldn’t try to control her wedding if she let him pay. He then proceeded to not “tell her” to uninvite me because I’m not taking care of grandma , he’s just going to have him and grandma constantly freak out daily to the point she thinks they will start fights.
He “won” and felt good.
I have a hunch his daughter now views him as the man who lied to pay for the wedding, abused her and took advantage of her kindness, and will never feel he did that out of love.
I laughed at the "overgrown, toddler, adolescent, baby person" description. Very true.
The narcissist in my life always said, “you treat me like a child”. My response, “stop acting like one”.
Excellent response! lol
Same scenario here. Same response from me too
@@rosemary4802 Not really. I have used this response and all it does is open a portal of verbal abuse thrown at me. He always has an "answer" even if it's not a reasonable one.
This is why we’re so tired all the time. They’re actively, constantly and consistently fighting to make the relationship dynamic fail.
When you’re with a narcissist, it’s hard to tell if you’re their partner or babysitter. It’s exhausting when you’re the mature one in the relationship, and they’re stuck in a perpetual state of emotional immaturity.
So true.
And they accuse you of being immature
After our kids were born, he said “I think of you more as a mother now than a wife.” Buh- bye.
I refused to even volunteer to take care of them and they lost it
So very true!!
The narcissist will want to be the adult, while they treat you like a child. But this dynamic never ends well. They’re not responsible. They take no accountability for themselves. They’re a disaster waiting to happen.
Have you EVER??? 👀🤯
My ex (Who to be fair was 10 years older than me) always called me immature.
Her being 10 years older than me and having 4 kids makes people believe it instantly.
The truth however... I'm immature because I don't have a drivers license (I'm Dutch, we are a bicycle country, lots of adults don't have licenses and the country is pretty damn small to begin with), I'm immature because I don't conform to her unreasonable and selfish takes, I'm immature because I tell her when she isn't doing the right thing as a parent (which she ALWAYS agrees with me being right, yet never changes it and keeps calling me immature while I'm being the example, her 3 teens backing me up as well), I'm immature because I had issues with how she is with her ex (still acting like partners, knowing he wants her back and her liking it and being untruthful and coercive to me. This dude was sent to jail for being a teacher that had multiple girls of 17 he was grooming and did all that while lying to her and always having on a mask of being perfect and doing things around the house and doing everything for her she wanted, or in other words he is a massive income of supply, but with a huge mask on that she can't see through), I'm immature because I'm not rich yet, I'm immature because I come from a poor family that never had vacations so I "don't know nothing of the world", I'm immature because I had a rough past and don't know how to be "normal" because I'm always on guard and missed out on a lot of "normal" things in life, I'm immature because I look younger than my actual age, etc. etc.
She was a self-righteous narcissist.
They look like adults, know how to come across as adults, but in reality they're more like spoiled, hormonal teens.
@@MunkeyKung
You nailed it: when not getting their way or otherwise manipulating you, they will accuse you of being "immature" or "selfish."
They, however, are like 5 year olds. Scary as heck, though, when a powerful 6"6' adult is having a tantrum.
Dangerous, too.
@@cathytai Indeed, calling me selfish was also one of her favorites 😅 They actually went hand in hand often times: "You're so immature, that's why you're so selfish."
That is very scary yea... And they use that to intimidate or brute force ("Well what you want to do about it?" knowing you can't overpower them) as well...
I'm lucky I was the dude in the relationship... She would never try to attack or threaten me.
Female narcissists mainly have to resort to dirty mind-games for that reason (manipulation, playing the victim, twisting words, triangulating, etc.), which also makes them fly under the radar more easily.
Everything has it's plusses and minusses heh heh 😅
Hoping you're no longer in such a situation.
They want you to be their adult when they need your services and behave like a child
My narc ex bewildered my lawyer and the divorce mediator by trying to fight over Lego sets while I focused on the adult tasks like the refinancing of the house, ownership of our pets, and all of the responsible tasks. It was so validating to see them both shaking their head over his childish antics
It’s exhausting being the responsible one, so I chose to be alone assuming all the responsibilities.
I thought that was insightful also.. it is EXHAUSTING being the responsible one..& even 3 years out I’m still exhausted! Of course my life got shredded in the “escape” which is no picnic. But never again!!
@@lynylcullen8370 wishing you the best!
Good for you 👍 Love and blessings 🙌 😊
I agree! When the narc ex moved out, I realized I was doing all of it all along because my workload stayed the same after they left.
@@marissa6425 No longer living with someone who in addition to doing nothing, had the audacity to criticize my handlings!
"Like being the only sober person in the room" - I have been in both these situations and they are very similar. You can't relax or fully be yourself, because you are essentially babysitting adults. Exhausting.
100% my childhood and my adulthood 😢 trying to heal and have the strength to break free.
My narcissistic ex once said in rage "Be a grown up!" I calmly responded "An adult should be able to control their emotions." She then stormed off.
Touche 😂
great rebuttal!
-cheers, steven
Good Comeback!!
lol good one
I used to know a horribly virulent narcissist who used to tell me “grow up” whenever I used to get mad if he offended me.
Total control, they utilize what they have and what you have without even batting an eye, they think what you are and have is there for them to use.
Yes. Don’t waste valuable time in thinking up solutions to their issues, whatever it is. I have never, ever seen a narcissist act on any advice I’ve given. They are much too bitter and petty for that. They go straight back to dominant control mode.
Corrected by. ☑️
OMG, so Brilliant. Had to immediately watch twice. Validation x100! I'm speechless. "Responsibility without the Power", and this includes the many, many narcissists in my lifetime who zeroed in on my responsible nature and exploited it. No wonder we feel like we're going crazy. Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani, for putting the words to my suspicions that I am the one who painfully kept the trains running. No more Mommy Nice Guy.
100% fact! I got tired and resentful of being the adult and responsible one. I had already raised my children. I didn’t need one as a partner.
Spot on as always, except only I get the aggressive side, everyone else gets the nice side.
Even if you have the capacity and ability to do an adult repair or project, they will find a way to mess it up. They will blame you for THEIR mess up, too.
They don't want you to do anything that could possibly make THEM Look Bad in any way. If you begin in front of them or complete a project, they will say, " I was just going to do that," or "Do YOU even know what you are doing?"
Every aspect of your inner self is questioned, berated, belittled and destroyed. I know this for a fact. I am rebuilding and I am stronger than ever before. I am also very mindful of my actions. I do not want to upset or unsettle things. This time, it is for my peace, my aspirations and my soul. 😊
Spot on.
That's just what I'm finally doing,it's so liberating & stress free! Thank you for sharing that, pls continue to thrive,my prayers are with you!
This happened with my ex’s . I thought they were independent guys, only to find out they were super irresponsible, and so I had to take responsibility for things like working, driving, paying bills, trying to make healthy choices, and getting insurance things sorted, only to be overpowered controlled critisized minimized abused and gaslit by them. I was told I ‘emasculated’ them because I had to take responsibility for things they couldn’t do like pay our rent. Even with my family, I over sacrificed my life to help them with their issues, only to be criticized, judged, shamed, controlled, minimized, treated like a child, and gaslit by them too. Super messed up. Not believing the lies. I am a good mature healthy responsible person but am not responsible for them. So grateful for this community. Thank you Dr Ramani. ❤
Well, someone who has trouble paying the rent from a mental capacity standpoint, is far from a man. A relationship is both people reciprocating and loving each other and meeting each other's needs. Those are hard lessons we have to learn when we are younger sometimes. In short, find a real man who complements your life, not complicates it.
you can repeat back whatever they are saying in an attacking way, but change it to make them responsible for it instead. so if they say “of course you haven’t made dinner! you only ever think of yourself!” and you say “oh it sounds like you’re upset because you’re hungry and don’t want to have to cook for yourself.”
talk to them like the child they are, but put the responsibility back in their hands and leave them to solve it.
cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
I remember, right before leaving my narc husband, thinking I couldn't stand being married to a child for one more second! When you start seeing other people who are actually adults in their adult bodies, it's so refreshing 😌😊
The source of my lifelong anger right there! And then the first 14 years of being an adult I was gaslighting myself into believing my anger was invalid.
My mother earned her bachelor's degree, but my step father wouldn't allow her to take a professional, well-paying, job because "it would put them in a higher tax bracket". 🙄 She worked a series of low paying jobs with no opportunity for advancement that worked for his schedule. In addition to working full time, she did 95% of the work around the house, including most of the mowing. He controlled the money, though, because he earned the majority of it. She had little say in how it was spent.
My soon-to-be ex-friend threw a full-on petulant child tantrum when I made it clear what my boundaries need to be and that "no means no," literally throwing things and slamming doors. Then he demanded that I account for *my* "childish behavior" of yelling - which, while I admit that I did was only because he was attempting to overtalk me as usual when I told him he was violating my boundaries *yet* again. Time to get out of this toxic relationship.
I have apologized and made excuses for his behavior since 5 months into this relationship. His father passed away. I became protective of him. I realize, just now, that this is when it began. Gradually. Even to his teammates on his local soccer team. Right from the beginning. Another "AhhHaa" moment, Doc.
It was never me. 😊 💙 💙 💙 💙 💙
Omg, yes! I always said it was like being married to a 13 year old. I did all the housework, he did the yard work which fine in the summer, but all winter we should share the household chores since we both work.
They want the power of a king, but the accountability of a child.
My teenage years were very much like that. All the responsibility, none of the rights or privileges. It was so different with my younger brother's teenage years.
“They have no capacity to do anything that’s helpful” YES. EXACTLY.
It's heartbreaking when a person cannot find joy in helping others. I can't imagine living life like that.
Dr Ramani, your videos are life saving tools.
I don't have enough words to say it.
Even if we already know some main topics like this one...
Your way of making it so clear helps us bringing things to light, bringing things in clear thoughts, freed from fake emotions and confusion and narcissistic chaos
Wow. All the " responsibility" and consequences but none of the benefits that were actually earned. I'm done with those types and their enablers. Thanks Dr Ramani 🙏
I was the sensible grown up, while I was married to a narcissist ex husband. It was exhausting. Years later I became aware of the smear campaigning, as if I did nothing in the marriage 👿👿👿. Power Persevering in Prayers Psalms 1-150🤲🙌🙏👑🇯🇲
Oh yeah! They love to make the world think they do everything, when in fact, they do next to nothing. My narcissistic spouse pulled the same stuff. Fooled many people!
@@annjohnson8437 Demonic wicked, selfish , cowards... these narcissists
This video felt exactly like what my 'marriage' with my ex-husband was like. And yes, I was parentified as a child because my old man didn't give a rip he had a family and my martyr was an angry immature mess who constantly needed support and her hand held.
There was nothing left for me.
I appreciate the validation from this video. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
Later in our relationship I got into the mother role to see if I could help my narc. It was an amazing experience. One day I was angry with him for something idiotic he’d done and sharply chastised him. He looked at me with such hurt and said, “I just want to be a good child!” He quickly corrected himself and said “I mean good guy”.
When I was growing up I heard my name being called it seemed a thousand times a day. There were the narcissistic parents and three other siblings in the house. My younger sister was born when I was thirteen. My mother did not wash her cloth diapers. I did. She did not make her bottles and wash her clothes. I did, plus everybody else’s clothes in the house. They didn’t have a dryer and when I hung clothes up where the male parent had clotheslines up in the house in winter, if the clothes weren’t dry when they wanted them, they raged at me. They expected me to control the weather.
bruh this triggered my memory my narc just had laundry he wanted done, that was left in my van, that he didn't take out ever for me to wash, and then he JOKINGLY brought it up and got mad at me that it just didn't get done, and because of how he has acted in past, been serious about that with anger, I lost it and kinda went off on him not sure if he was joking with me or not, and it was like not fucking funny at all to me, but he laughed and I am nauseated by that's how he acts.
No, thank you, Dr. R. I continue to learn and practice skills I learned from listening to you. Yesterday I practiced radical acceptance together with grey rock. He tried to provoke me multiple times. Yay me. 😊
Spot on ! I’ve literally said that on so many occasions ! I have two children in the household. My 6 year old & a 43 year old who is mentally stunned . I feel like his mother & think he stays for those exact reasons. Especially for the child who he uses a pawn .
lol the timing of this! OMG Literally just had another argument with the narcissist ….. this is exactly what I tried explaining to him… ya I made the mistake once again by trying to explain… 🤦♀️
We all make that mistake, continuously, you're not a fool and you're not alone :)
It means you haven't lost hope in humanity yet.
All this has caused me to not want children and not sure about a partner. I get anxiety thinking about the future and about additional responsibilities. I try to keep things simple as possible as can be. I sometimes dont feel good enough or capable enough.
The last thing I said to the narc when I stopped seeing him was "I'm too old for you", even though he had a couple of years on me. Most immature, developmentally arrested man I'd ever met. He thought he was the big man, bossing and ordering, while still doing his laundry at his ex's house, and needing women "friends" to clear out the rotten food in his fridge.
The story of my life. Too accurate for words.
As always!!!! Everything you say matches my relationship with my mother. Every. Single. Thing. that you talked about!!!
I remember when i was 10 or 11, i was being reprimanded by her friend as to why im not protecting my mother against my dad, yet, about the same age, i was complaining about my dad, i was told that if i don't like that, then i need to listen to him so that i get what i want.
The damn if you do the damn if you don’t.
This relationship is very exhausting, one literally feels drained😬😬😬 also the narc is not alike a child, he is alike a wasp that will stop at nothing, even when his plans are irrational, it is just to serve his inner needs.
Spot on ❤great work doctor
This is why my development got so messed up. I was the only person acting like an adult in my family of origin, but I was treated like a child by everyone. It was crazy making.
I was filing my taxes as head of household at the age of 20, financially carrying my disabled parent.
But my sibling who's younger wife had to teach him how to dress like a 'big boy' thinks he's the responsible one and treated me like a nuisance even though I took care of my Mom without any help from him for years.
Bingo! I am at 68 the care giver, even for my own family who doesn't understand why. My parents ( father is narc and mother is co dependent enabler) think I still need to be constantly feeding their needs.
Ask yourself with the partner you are with.
If a crisis happened in your life would they support you could you even talk to that person about it, would they understand , would they be with you , support you, could you lean on them. With a narc ,NEVER , You cant get support and understanding from a toddler. Imagine living a life with this person . YOUR ON YOUR OWN ALWAYS , NOT FORGETTING DEALING WITH ALL THIER DRAMA THEY MAKE UP. EXHAUSTING .
💯 except I think my toddler would truly show more support and understanding than the narc if he even tried…. Just so sad how these people operate… 😢
Literally knew someone who made everyone out to be emotionally immature and delusional while claiming to be the only adult who had a strong grasp of reality. She'd regularly lash out when criticized or when someone disagreed with her and demanded an apology while refusing to take accountability for her actions. She'd also tell people to grow up when they complained and downplayed their celebratory moments but then got deeply offended when they didn't share any news with her. Felt everyone was always indebted to her while she never thanked or expressed gratitude to anyone
Wow! This brings back memories. All of the responsibilities without any of the power. 😮
I get so sad when adults treat their child as an equal. The worst is when adults dump adult situations on their child. That is a child, not an equal. My feeling of stability was stolen when my mother discussed adult issues with you. I remember being 7 years old when my mom threatened that we may have to lose our house and we would have to live with relatives. That set me up for severe financial abuse by my ex and others. You’re the parent
Oh, I know this! Being a teenager who was the caregiver for my elderly father who had Alzheimers while dealing with the selfishness of my narcissistic mother who didn't lift a finger unless she had an audience to see her perform her act of the "suffering wife of a sick husband". On top of that, she would tell people that I was living off her and not lifting a finger so that nobody would help a lazy and selfish user/loser like me.
Thank You Dr Ramani 🙏❤ it is so interesting how many different situations from my past (different people, too) that scroll through my memory as you're talking ... I think a little bit of me heals every time I see one of your videos and it validates what I "know" I went through and probably heals more things I didn't even know I was going through.🙏I am so grateful for you❤️
Thank you Dr Ramani for the video! Morsel to chew on ..& have validation on EXACTLY why the relationship was SOOO EXHAUSTING! I “forgot” because I’m too tired to remember!
AND.. thank you for your book! It’s a bitter pill to swallow and heartbreak honestly to realize the level of torment I put up with.
I AM GRATEFUL for your calm measured breakdown. AND the opportunity to be be reminded “ITS NOT YOU!”
Walking talking living breathing eating Train Wrecks, all in the Name of ' family', ' work' , 'religion' , ' community' etcetera, pray people ! Use Discernment and Caution Tread Carefully Education and Discernment using Caution at all costs . Thank you Dr. Ramani for helping us to Survive these mal formed mal adapted individuals .
AND you must be the normal adult in interactions with the narcissist because the narcissist believes he or she is the normal adult - exasperating and draining
Man, she hit the nail on the head here. I can relate with all of this!
Just realized that my dad is an elderly toddler. He's like Peter Pan, the boy who doesn't like to grow up. He wished that everything is taken care for him, everything handed to him in a silver platter.
Thank you Doctor Ramani is a 5 star. Sounds like a story I know very well. When I was a kid I'd always say I need to go care for my kids and that was my parents. This is where the child becomes depleted of parenting themself,self love and depleted to be a child as they get to busy parenting the parent. While they get treated like a kid who knows nothing by the controlling adult kid parent. Thank you greatly appreciated.
Dr. Ramani - I've been watching your videos for a few years now and the extensive information you've presented has been EXTREMELY beneficial to me, specifically allowing me to finally understand the highly dysfunctional relationship I had with my now deceased mother. I am though still very hung up on the fact that almost all the serious professional mental health services I sought out beginning in the mid 1970s were next to completely useless! So my question now is how do I deal the fact that these highly respected professionals did virtually nothing to help me decade after decade. I just don't know how to deal with that.
I hear you, there should be more Dr Ranani,s in the world.
Especially Australia
Our Health Professionals could take a leaf out of her Book😂😂😂
It,s Not You😊
@@JohannaVanDreumel Thank you so much!
Not having lunch packed or money to buy lunch at school was my own fault. It was also my fault for not reminding them to get groceries if I did remember to pack it myself with undiagnosed ADHD.
*Amazing video, you work for 40yrs to have $1M in your retirement, meanwhile some people are putting just $10K into trading from just few months ago and now they are multimillionaires*
Waking up every 14th of each month to $210,000 it’s a blessing to I and my family… Big gratitude to Lisa Annette Robinson 🙌
Hello , I am very interested. As you know, there are tons of investments out there and without solid knowledge, I can't decide what is best. Can you explain further how you invest and earn?
I'm favoured, $90K every week! I can now give back to the locals in my community and also support God's work and the church. God bless America,, all thanks to Lisa Annette Robinson 😊🎉
She's always active on Whats~App... 🎉
Her number down below ✨
You are spot on ❤❤❤
"You have all the responsibility without any of the power."
Another video where I am totally living this right now, deep in the throes... and yes, I am and have been exhausted and in physical pain from all the extra work. Help Mr Wizard!!!😢
Thanks for your valuable content 🙏💚💚💚🌹
The only difference is im the default breadwinner, have my own business, and have control of the finances. I work pretty much every day, until the sun goes down. He decided he will be the stay at home parent. He wont take any money to do anything. He just tells me what he needs, and I have to go get it. Won’t go grocery shopping. Won’t go anywhere or do anything, and has the excuse of no money. If he has mentioned he is out of something, the next time he needs it he will start a fight because I haven’t gotten it yet. When the kids need anything, or have appointments, I have to take the day off to take them. Literally anything that requires responsibility falls on me. Its been twenty years, and our oldest is 15, and youngest is 2. I’ve always thought he would grow up and man up at some point, but I’ve given up hope in that department.
Why’d you have another kid then, sheesh
I am the narcissist and I am learning too late 😢 I feel so bad for all the people around me.
I grew up with a Ndad. Becoming self-aware n self-reflective is sth to be celebrated when it happens. It's a hard journey you are starting, but we are so happy you r starting it. Blessings on you as you move forward!
My mother ruined my life in every possible way.. got me married off to a psychopath when I was 16.. but claims she’s responsible for the life I created for myself working relentlessly nonstop. I live in Melbourne but she still manages to ruin my peace by a single call from Chennai.
This explains why I was parentified. Spot on. They literally said "Ugh. Just agree. Why can't you get along?" and "You owe me! I let you live".;
The vulnerable narc is always blaming others for their life turns out. And they get angry when others try to decide what to do with their situation.
IT Hit me so Hard. Absolutely. All the responsibility without the Power. With two little Kids i Do everything and is "only" the finance "Boss" and keeps telling everyone He does everything. Its so cruel.
Excellent !!! Thanks Doc.!!
Glee in narcissists eyes means that he got away with something.
The part about having to be the adult but not the control over the finances is GOLD !
"All the responsability without having the power !"
This woman is still coping.
This is why I had to act like a manager of immature bosses without enough salary and power. 😞
Sounds just like the Hospital System in Australia these days.
Senior / older long term staff, are called "OLD WOOD", management decided they wanted young University trained staff, hence getting RID of the " OLD WOOD"
but that then creates a problem because of a Lack of experience, especially no in the IT world, power goes down, and they panic😮
No idea how to revert back to Basics
Hence there the NUM,s but we are carrying them, but not getting paid the NUM rates😮
All of the responsibility, none of the power 🎯
I'm the child of narcissistic parents and always had to act like the grown up
Dr. Ramani, can you do a video about the difference between parentification and acceptable responsibilities for kids? It’s something I want to be mindful of when raising my child ❤
I had no idea, I just thought it was normal that I was the grownup as a child, I thought I was being unreasonable thinking the parent should know better or do better. Thank you I feel so heard
My husband is a great money manager and I respect that.
He has a habit of buying some pretty stupid sh*t though.
My dad literally said "One day I expect you to pay me back for all I've done for you." He said this to me in front of my malignant narcissist mom, and rendered her shocked and speechless, and that's saying something.
This is a 💯 % TRUE!!
This is so common and familiar to me. Many of my relationships felt like this. Definitely family of origin. Responsibility was idolized in the cult. Then in my marriage and work, they get the power/money and to be the adventurous and fun ones while I take care of everything and key things running and take the blame when their frivolity has consequences. Responsibility without the respective appropriate power/resources....need to sit with that one, likely some aha there for me.
Yes, I had to be the "grown up" as a child, yet other aspects of me were perpetually arrested in development. Aspects that would have allowed me any sense of individuation or natural maturation. That was the catch. And now I exist with it.
Your comments are exactly what I went though growing up in a narc house. So insightful and true. Your last sentence bothers me, because I have lived it. You don't have to "exist with it." The narcs beat down others so we learn to put up with thier wrongs. Then, when they panic in a crisis or something, we help them through it. No, we deserve better. Narcs are leaches. They rob us of a good and normal life if we don't break off their bad influences. May you find the freedom you deserve.
@@webbsamples Thank you. I guess what I mean by existing with it is that I am left to clean up the debris after a several decades long storm.
@@brightbite The decades time-line is true. The mess they leave and resulting clean-up will eventually all be in the dust bin. All the best.
Amazing! Thank you Dr Ramani! I always learn valuable pieces of information from your videos! As a child I was always on guard, I could never predict when the rage and tantrums would materialize. After the bomb was dropped and the person with NPD traits was back to "normal". I still didn't understand any of the w's. Who, why, what, where or when! However everyone else in the environment was traumatized and the bomb dropper was off doing the usual!
A powerful video. Thank you 🙏 for making this. V/r -T.
We have four children. At first I would joke and say “it is hard to be a single mother of five.” And then I realized it was not a joke. It is my reality.
I am in the thick of it again. Being accused of "not being there" and therefore blamed for narc mother not understanding contract terms but signing anyway. Mind you, I have been visiting every week (a1-hr drive each way) for nearly 2 years now--taking care of taxes, contractor negotiations, you name it. She can't manage the house, refuses to move, and then has the gall to blame ME for HER screw-up! I was livid and said, "Oh, I can show you what my not being here looks like." And yet I will be there next week to communicate with yet another contractor and to drive her to a doctor appt. Between a rock and a hard place. I keep telling myself fixing the house now better than having to deal with it as part of the estate. But after this next visit, I'm taking a long break.
Coming from a household like this how do we tell people why we have left that relationship in a way that is understandable by most people?
This was so exhausting. I never had enough money to do anything for myself even though it felt like we had plenty. I never knew where it all went. I do now and I am happily divorced, and the kids are all adults and doing well.
Dr.Ramani, you have absolutely no idea how much I am promoting your name and your posts.
Please forgive me.
You speak the truth. I have experienced much of what you speak of, so I know I can correlate with what you say.
I hope, one day, to use your name in a movie. I’m working on it.
Designated driver has to be the adult for any outing.
I'm definitely in this situation, being the grownup with my mother. It's exhausting to have to be the one maintaining my own emotional while she gets to melt down over the slightest thing.
Taking on responsibilities without the proper mandates is inhumane and not doable in the long run...
I d get now it was my own choosing to take them on while they were not mine to carry anyway though...now training my self to not step into my pitfalls anymore...
Thank you Dr. Ramani 🎉❤
✨️⚓️💞🐛💝🙏💝🦋💞⚓️✨️
A narcissist will never greet you by saying "hi" or "how are you?" when you go in to place an order. Instead, you will look at the menu, and they might say, "What can I get started for you?" or "May I take your order?" or "Are you ready?" This is a code language among narcissists. Being kind or saying "hi" or "how are you?" lowers their standards😈
Being married to my ex was like raising a fourth child. I was already a single Mom, while married. Being an actual single mom is far less stressful.
Too true
Wow. As an adult now, seeing the road ahead when my Ndad doesn't, it really feels like I am walking a small child across the street, and not taking it personally when they run into the traffic.
The whole reason the ex narc gets a house , has a heathly pair of kids, has super etc was the grown up work i did for 25 yrs.
Dr Ramani, I'd love a discussion between you and Sam Vatkin, who calls himseld the father of narcissism. I bought your latest book and I keep it as a bible for my daughter. The knowledge it's a life saver. Thank you. You saved my life.
Dr Ramani
After spending countless hours thinking about being the adult in the room I will say that I would gladly take on raising 2 year olds all over again versus living with a self centered narcissist who refuses to take on any responsibility.
I have come to the conclusion that this person is part bipolar, narcissistic and a sociopath.
I have adult children from a previous relationship and I enjoyed them as children and I enjoyed encouraging them to move forward in life and I am proud of their accomplishments today as well as the people they have become.