I'm definitely the type that when someone I love is stressed out about something, my first reaction is to try and help find a solution. But I've slowly learned to be a better listener with these kinds of videos. But I've started to realize that sometimes, I need to ask "what do you need right now". Sadly, what do I do if asking shuts my partner down? Like, she'll say "nevermind" and stop talking about the problem. Then when she opens back up, its anger towards me about how I could've said X instead. How can I help?
Whenever we say "IF" there is an assumption in there - I do that too :) and it's taken me a long time to recognize it's better to stay in today. You can't control what she does but YOU can come from a loving, supportive place and asking that simple question of "what do you need right now" can be a great opening for her. If she does get upset - just reiterate that you are trying to be supportive. Does that help?
@@matthewjames7504 give yourself credit for trying! Whether or not she sees that - you can still feel good about what you are doing. Talking to her about how she defines support ( and you can share yours too ) can get the ball rolling!
Great video and I feel so grateful I've found this. I'm not being a great support for my partner right now and want to try all these but I can't I do #5- Ask them what they need right now: because my partner feels like he is being made to help himself when I ask this. Are there any alternatives to finding an answer here when I don't know?
I feel like this comment section is very welcoming and loving. I have a particular inquiry I’ve been dating my boyfriend for nine months almost and it’s really got to a point where it’s terrible. He always accuse me of not being there for him. I feel very puzzled. He won’t say hey I need you right now. He’ll yell at me saying that I’m never there that I am defensive, that’s all I know how to do. Tell me that he feels so lonely and that it’s all because of me he’ll tell me that he never had a partner that made him feel that way ever. I’ll be honest when he says that hurts. I feel betrayed. I feel like I’m not enough. I feel like a burden. But while he’s yelling it animates me in a bad way. I feel deeply disrespected and I’m just shocked and so hurt. I don’t know how he want me to be supportive in that movement anyone has any recommendation I know I’m not the warmest person I know I’m not used to seeking help, and i usually just figure it out on my own. It’s hard for me to respect him at the moment would love to know if anyone has ever felt like he could share their experience. Thank you 😅
I would suggest getting some counseling - this sounds like a deeper exploration would be helpful to you. Therapy doesn’t have to last long but it can be incredibly helpful in understanding your relationships.
Can I send this to everyone on behalf of me😂 I feel I’ve mastered this as a codependent. I’ve actually pulled back on doing so much when I listen to people and I just validate n listen n ask 1 question.❤
When I ask my daughter what can I do for her after listening to her, she sometimes asks me to do something that go against my core values and If I tell her that I can't do that because I feel in my heart it is not the right thing, she interprets it as me being unsopportive and against her well being. I am a co-dependent woman that left a 20 year relationship with her narcissistic father 5 years ago. I know she need my emotional support and it is hard to do it while I'm in the process of healing myself.😢
Yeah being codependent too the challenge is to not do too much or carry her pain. I love that you know your core values! I did a video on how to use our feelings to determine our boundaries. How to Use Feelings to Set Boundaries in Relationships th-cam.com/video/8DGtqfGYqa0/w-d-xo.html
We’ll check yourself if there is any truth in the feedback ( not easy but important ). You could ask them what they feel is support. That can be super helpful!
my partner did everything wrong. And when I wanted to do these things you said in the video he said he wants to be alone. A sick person. Thanks for showing me that.
Recently my partner got a job interview on the other side of our city, She told me about it, the hours and the shift seemed ridiculous meanly because we don't have a car and shifts at that particular job starts at 4 in the morning...I told her that she should look for something closer because we literally live 10 minutes away from the mean mall in our entire region or if she could go back to living with her parents if she wanted to work at the job she got the interview for...I told her to look in the mall and she ended up being upset at me and saying I do not take her seriously and that I'm unsupportive, I really don't know what to tell her there after
Yeah it's hard not to give advice - you are not alone in that! The irony is that they rarely take it anyway! Try listing an asking questions about how she thinks it will work for her. Avoiding advice can help a lot here. You don't have to fix it, listening and asking questions ( for understanding or clarification ) works!
Here is the link to sign up for my email list ( and get access to the checklist and other free guides ) - you can unsubscribe at any time! counselingrecovery.lpages.co/relationship-checklist/
I can see why people don't SUPPORT you... because you don't SUPPORT people either. I'll watch Survivor and Big Brother, because those contestants are NOT perfect, I get to see them lying, deceiving and backstabbing. But I won't watch movies, other tv shows or listen to music to support PERFECT people. I won't help or show my support to restaurant owners and other people because they may be PERFECT. If people won't show me any support just because I am not perfect and I'm being punish for what I did in the past.... so don't expect me to show you any SUPPORT.
What im about to say is very broad and im leaving out ALOT of info though Every time my wife was stressed over any situation i was always there to support her.. and every answer was the same .. just f off and leave me alone.. now one of the reasons why she wants a divorce is because i was never there for her..
Thank you so much for your videos, i prefer reading articles but my partner prefers listening and watching instead of reading so this has been helpful for him and thus myself as wel 🥲🥹 ive said these things to him but it's better to hear from a third person party who's an actual therapist not someone who's read stuff written by them 🥲
I'm definitely the type that when someone I love is stressed out about something, my first reaction is to try and help find a solution. But I've slowly learned to be a better listener with these kinds of videos. But I've started to realize that sometimes, I need to ask "what do you need right now". Sadly, what do I do if asking shuts my partner down? Like, she'll say "nevermind" and stop talking about the problem. Then when she opens back up, its anger towards me about how I could've said X instead. How can I help?
Whenever we say "IF" there is an assumption in there - I do that too :) and it's taken me a long time to recognize it's better to stay in today. You can't control what she does but YOU can come from a loving, supportive place and asking that simple question of "what do you need right now" can be a great opening for her. If she does get upset - just reiterate that you are trying to be supportive. Does that help?
@@MichelleFarrismft I wanted to reply "I hope so" but then realized that's the same 'IF' trap. So ill just say, yes it does, thank you 😊
@@matthewjames7504 give yourself credit for trying! Whether or not she sees that - you can still feel good about what you are doing. Talking to her about how she defines support ( and you can share yours too ) can get the ball rolling!
True it is very good when you wanna talk to him then he listens
Yeah timing is everything when it comes to communication :)
Great video and I feel so grateful I've found this. I'm not being a great support for my partner right now and want to try all these but I can't I do #5- Ask them what they need right now: because my partner feels like he is being made to help himself when I ask this. Are there any alternatives to finding an answer here when I don't know?
Well you can share that you want to make sure you know what he considers support.
Thank you! I needed this!
You are so welcome!! I hope you come back again!
This too shall pass.
Yep! I love that 12 step saying!
I feel like this comment section is very welcoming and loving. I have a particular inquiry I’ve been dating my boyfriend for nine months almost and it’s really got to a point where it’s terrible. He always accuse me of not being there for him. I feel very puzzled. He won’t say hey I need you right now. He’ll yell at me saying that I’m never there that I am defensive, that’s all I know how to do. Tell me that he feels so lonely and that it’s all because of me he’ll tell me that he never had a partner that made him feel that way ever. I’ll be honest when he says that hurts. I feel betrayed. I feel like I’m not enough. I feel like a burden. But while he’s yelling it animates me in a bad way. I feel deeply disrespected and I’m just shocked and so hurt. I don’t know how he want me to be supportive in that movement anyone has any recommendation I know I’m not the warmest person I know I’m not used to seeking help, and i usually just figure it out on my own. It’s hard for me to respect him at the moment would love to know if anyone has ever felt like he could share their experience. Thank you 😅
I would suggest getting some counseling - this sounds like a deeper exploration would be helpful to you. Therapy doesn’t have to last long but it can be incredibly helpful in understanding your relationships.
I really enjoy your videos! Thank you so much!
Thanks Becky, I appreciate that!
Thanks
@@MentalVista thanks for watching!
I totally need this.
Yay! I’m so glad you found me.
Can I send this to everyone on behalf of me😂 I feel I’ve mastered this as a codependent.
I’ve actually pulled back on doing so much when I listen to people and I just validate n listen n ask 1 question.❤
Good for you! That’s not easy when there is codependency- doing less often feels really uncomfortable- great progress!
When I ask my daughter what can I do for her after listening to her, she sometimes asks me to do something that go against my core values and If I tell her that I can't do that because I feel in my heart it is not the right thing, she interprets it as me being unsopportive and against her well being. I am a co-dependent woman that left a 20 year relationship with her narcissistic father 5 years ago. I know she need my emotional support and it is hard to do it while I'm in the process of healing myself.😢
Yeah being codependent too the challenge is to not do too much or carry her pain. I love that you know your core values! I did a video on how to use our feelings to determine our boundaries. How to Use Feelings to Set Boundaries in Relationships
th-cam.com/video/8DGtqfGYqa0/w-d-xo.html
What happens when you ask clarifying questions and they get really defensive and claim you're interrupting?
We’ll check yourself if there is any truth in the feedback ( not easy but important ). You could ask them what they feel is support. That can be super helpful!
Seems like asking clarifying questions is a key ingredient to active listening 👂?
Yeah asking relevant questions really shows that you’re interested in what they are saying. Love that you keep watching!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
This was a good video thank u
Thanks Chris.
Thankyou
You’re so welcome!
my partner did everything wrong. And when I wanted to do these things you said in the video he said he wants to be alone. A sick person. Thanks for showing me that.
Well at least you tried. Sometimes people want to be alone but maybe next time he'll be open to support. Your efforts still counts :)
I couldn't help picturing forcing all men on the planet to watch this in a Clockwork Orange style. 😂 Great video, thank you!!
Thanks for watching! 🤗
Recently my partner got a job interview on the other side of our city, She told me about it, the hours and the shift seemed ridiculous meanly because we don't have a car and shifts at that particular job starts at 4 in the morning...I told her that she should look for something closer because we literally live 10 minutes away from the mean mall in our entire region or if she could go back to living with her parents if she wanted to work at the job she got the interview for...I told her to look in the mall and she ended up being upset at me and saying I do not take her seriously and that I'm unsupportive, I really don't know what to tell her there after
Yeah it's hard not to give advice - you are not alone in that! The irony is that they rarely take it anyway! Try listing an asking questions about how she thinks it will work for her. Avoiding advice can help a lot here. You don't have to fix it, listening and asking questions ( for understanding or clarification ) works!
Thanks 🎉wonderful..
Thank you for watching!
Where is the relationship checklist?
Here is the link to sign up for my email list ( and get access to the checklist and other free guides ) - you can unsubscribe at any time!
counselingrecovery.lpages.co/relationship-checklist/
Thank you !
You’re very welcome!
What if you ask them what do they need and they don't even know themselves? And that leave you both blank.
At least you asked. That shows that you care.
Relationships happy Jessica till boyfriend family
My partner doesnt support me in having a body like baki hanma
I don't know who that is sorry.
I can see why people don't SUPPORT you... because you don't SUPPORT people either. I'll watch Survivor and Big Brother, because those contestants are NOT perfect, I get to see them lying, deceiving and backstabbing. But I won't watch movies, other tv shows or listen to music to support PERFECT people. I won't help or show my support to restaurant owners and other people because they may be PERFECT. If people won't show me any support just because I am not perfect and I'm being punish for what I did in the past.... so don't expect me to show you any SUPPORT.
Yes, being perfect is not the goal here - it's learning new tools to improve ourselves and create relationships that work.Thanks for watching. :)
What im about to say is very broad and im leaving out ALOT of info though Every time my wife was stressed over any situation i was always there to support her.. and every answer was the same .. just f off and leave me alone.. now one of the reasons why she wants a divorce is because i was never there for her..
Oh I’m so sorry. I hope you are getting plenty of support.
Thank you so much for your videos, i prefer reading articles but my partner prefers listening and watching instead of reading so this has been helpful for him and thus myself as wel 🥲🥹 ive said these things to him but it's better to hear from a third person party who's an actual therapist not someone who's read stuff written by them 🥲
Yeah, everyone has their preference but I appreciate your willingness to listen!