I think it's a bit typical of the times we are living in, the "ME" generation. I believe quite often, the person your dealing with just needs someone to understand them instead of judging them. I believe in taking the time to care and explore what's underneath them, vs my own personal needs. This is not disrespecting my own person imo. I have turned situations around, even prevented a suicide on my way home from work because I took the time to talk to a young girl who literally was in the middle of street on ground banging her own head against the pavement in traffic!
This may sound counter intuitive but I find the "Me" generation philosophy rather selfish and cynical in a world where it's going off the rails with Self possessiveness.
My first time ever on this, and I am NOT a fan of marriage and family "counselors". This young lady deserves an applause for her delivery of such sensitive information.
I always thought that if I walked out of a room when someone was yelling at me or criticizing me, they'd accuse me of running away. But now I understand that it doesn't matter how it looks to them.
A boundary, in essence, is a checkpoint or a wall that does not let things in. And if you're smart about it, you build that wall just the right way so you keep the bad stuff out while still allowing the good stuff to come in.
My therapist suggested I listen to this. It is not that I do not already know these things. It is almost like I need confirmation that what I think I know is OK. And - yes - it is like getting "permission" to proceed. Thank you. This is me moving forward :).
I had a girlfriend who used to lie to me. I told her I dont want to be with someone who lies to me. She said I was making too big of a deal about it. I said goodbye. Lol. Thanks. This was really good.
I wish I too learned about healthy boundaries when I was younger Rebekah. They are so important in life and in establishing one's sense of self. But it's never too late to learn 😀.
Yes depending on the situation i get snappy and authoritative in a bossy way OR i do the opposite and go all flaky and apologetic. I regret the former because i make enemies and i cringe at the latter because they think im a push over. They are losing respect for me and i feel like locking myself away.
This video resonated with me. I realized that the reason why i struggle to set boundaries is because i feel im not deserving and that i should say yes to people and be a "good person" my first step im going to take is to write down my boundaries and why they are important to me. I will also use the resource on multiple ways to say no.
I only have to say one thing Julia. I am not the same person since I started following you and my life has changed and improved for the best! Thank you
I've never had boundaries before, and this weekend I realised something I just wanted to share here. I was starting to feel anxious at one point, and when I looked at it, or just felt it, I realised that it was my energy levels getting lower, getting closer to my own boundaries, and because I never even had boundaries before anxiety kicks in because my body doesn't trust that it's gonna be taken care of. And only then did I realise that I was in need of some time to recharge. I really want to let myself know that I am here now, that I will take care of myself and listen when I'm tired. (instead of getting angry or frustrated that I 'shouldn't feel tired so easily' or 'other people can handle more') That moment made me realise that it's more than just taking rest, it's rebuilding trust with myself and working through that old anxiety.
I really resonate with what you shared Alexej! Only recently have I understood the tactics of manipulation used against me to brainwash me for years under a religious rule... However, I have overcome a lot of that and am ever-growing in my journey of learning my self-worth, that I am enough, and I am deserving of unconditional love. Learning how to create healthy boundaries is a skill worth learning. I like the ebook Healthy Boundaries by MotherTree Consulting. Whichever route you choose, I trust & believe You'll get there!
I never knew what boundaries were until a year ago and I still have trouble working out what my boundaries are. As a child I got punished for having a boundary. Boundaries are there to make you feel safe. So the anxiety is in reaction to feeling unsafe. Unfortunately if you don't have boundaries, you won't recognise other people's boundaries and may unknowingly cross them.
It's one thing KNOWING how to set boundaries.... it's another thing completely BEING ABLE TO speak up and set those boundaries.... that's what i struggle with. I know what I should say and how i should say it.... but I'm not able to bring myself to actually say what needs to be said... so instead...i stay silent and try to tolerate the behaviour as best i can....i wish i could actually speak up without fear
Have you ever considered working on chakra alignment? Sounds like you’d benefit from clearing throat chakra blockages. But many times when one is blocked, others might be also.
You don’t always need to communicate your boundaries to other people. You need to know what your boundaries are and move accordingly, walk away if you need to.
I've had family members not only come into the house unannounced but they bang and kick doors when we didn't answer the door. Boundaries are so important.
Me too. My mother has no boundaries around the bathroom door either. The last time I allowed her in my space years ago, I was in the bathroom with the door closed for a few minutes and she thought it was appropriate to bang on the door demanding to be let in immediately so she could use the bathroom. It was not an emergency, she just felt entitled. I informed her she needed to leave right after that and I haven’t let her back in any of my living spaces since.
omg that first part where she said “setting boudries is not about controlling people.” and even though i know this fact, i finally feel like i undestood it and it clicked. it is not selfish of me to ask you if it involves me. it is not about you or changing you at all. 😭😭👍🙏
This is such a tough one, and it takes persistence and practice. Try setting reminders to yourself on the phone, through sticky notes, to stick to your intentions. Start the day with affirming that you deserve to be fair to yourself. Take notes and reflect when you gave in to the demands of others. Really take time to plan the approach and the practice. Good luck to us all!
In 12 step therapy, I learned all about healthy self Esteem, boundaries & how to say NO and yet, fear & early conditioning has caused me to shrink right back into many of my unhealthy old patterns, so thank you for posting this video. ❤
Fear is the root cause of my poor boundaries. I was afraid of the push-back. Outgrowing that fear through faith helped my boundaries become much healthier.
Boundaries are important especially with family. Our mental health and energy should not be depleted for others. I find that saying let's not talk about this is helpful, when conversations becomes uncomfortable. If that doesn't work I just leave. Mental health is more important than most people understand. Thank you for the tips on setting boundaries.
I agree with you when the other person becomes aggressive or abusive or just wouldn't give you a chance to speak... or if it is about something that doesn't concern your relationship with this person (like politics etc.) and I totally get where you coming from. I just feel that I have to mention another way of using that sort of response... I also made the experience that whenever I wanted to talk about something that felt uncomfortable for the other person, he would just walk away, saying exactly that: "let's not talk about this, I don't like talking about this..." with the result that we never could solve any issues because without communication it is not possible. Well, as I am learning, it is his choice at the end of the day... and the only option it leaves me is to walk away from that person all together... it's painful, but luckily there are no children involved...However, if this is a "healthy boundary" to just refuse any communication about any uncomfortable topic... I don't know...
Completely agree with Brigit. Just walking away from anything that is uncomfortable to discuss is called avoidance. It is important to have difficult relationships conversations in healthy ways. Walking away is stonewalling.
@@k-lab3824not necessarily, it depends if you’re wanting to have this crucial conversation with someone who is lucid or not, who is open or not, who is defensive or not, who is a narcissist or not.
It is definitely not healthy to walk away from any topic a person doesn’t want to address but if they are screaming and degrading you, you shouldn’t stay for that convo is what I’m gathering from the comments. Addressing issues is critical in any relationship and walking away isn’t a boundary in all circumstances. Sometimes it’s avoidance. But you are right. At the end of the day, a boundary is you deciding what you will do if someone isn’t behaving safely within your boundaries. You cannot force your mate to change but you can say this isn’t what is best for me and walk away yourself from the unhealthy relationship. ❤️
Dead silence/non-reaction scares narcissists, haters, people who don't respect your boundaries, and people who are jealous/envious of you. Jealousy can mean a lot of things: rumors, competition, lies. They look down on you. They don’t miss any detail of how you are dressed or how you act, etc. They are always hanging on what others are doing or saying. They are often critical and judgmental. They often reveal things to others. They never have enough of anything; they are never satisfied. They always believe that other people are more fortunate and get everything. Often they are not creative. In fact, it is common for them to copy others. And they are happy when others fail. There will always be jealous people around you. You will come across them in your friend groups, in your workplace, in your neighborhood, and even in your family. Don’t let yourself be susceptible to this negativity, nor let it bring you down.
Working on this one bigtime! Have some in my family. Now I'm learning boundaries wow no one likes me anymore ...but they're the ones that are unlikeable 😊 I always took crap. Not any more.😊 I agree with you 💯😊
Love your term for your fans "shifters" like energy shifters from stressed and crazed in frustration with yourself or lack of success to clear, calm, peaceful observance of key principles that can get us there. Shifter sounds so subtle yet powerful and effective. Grateful.
Thanks Julia, it is important to be reminded of the importance of maintaining healthy boundaries. Boundaries can evoke blaming shaming guilting and anger from those who lack respect for you. That's on them to manage. Nobody has the right to disrespect you because of your life choices
I think good boundaries are like good fences between neighbors Arne de Lange. Establishing the limits of a relationship are key to any successful relationship.
Nobody has the right to disrespect you because of your choices - unless your a Christian, NRA member, Trump supporter - then all of a sudden all this babble goes out the window?
I really wish I had known about this a few years back. I struggled with this in high school with peers and with family members. It was hard to keep boundaries and I folded often cause people guilted me into doing so. Man this was helpful! Schools should be teaching this stuff!
This conversation is simple to understand but is also simplistic. People can use the boundaries concept as a passive aggressive weapon to prevent resolution of difficult relationship issues. Boundaries are easy to set when you care so little for the other that you can simply walk away. But, in a real relationship, many boundaries are not set but are negotiated.
Thank you for this talk. I've been married for 44 years and always had a hard time keeping my own boundaries. When I would get home from work I found that everything was planned for me to do with the kids and I simply just went along whether I wanted to or not. I felt that it wasn't considered that maybe I didn't want to do all the family obligations. So now, as I retire, I'm working hard to find what it is that I really want to do with my own time. And wow am I getting push back in many ways when I try to establish a boundary. I'm persevering, though. It's tough when you've always been a nice guy and then seek some independence only to have a passive aggressive, whining, manipulative schmooze hit your little fence. Well, anyway, thank you for your encouragement from this talk.
@@personincognito3989 Hmmm, I'm an extremely dedicated father. It would take a book to get it across to you. How could you understand with the little paragraph I wrote? Your judgement is incorrect.
Person incognitos comment was way off the mark. Kudos to you Andrew for taking a stand for your boundaries. There will be friction at first, especially when people are not used to being turned down or having every request answered. That's the part where, as mentioned in the video, intermittent reinforcement can make it harder to break the pattern of giving in. I really like how Julia highlights how you can control only you, not anyone else. It's up to you to decide if you allow others to steer your ship.
@@personincognito3989... there is difference between family dedication (or expectations) and having healthy self development. Self-scarifying parents, and all that for the good and benefit of kid(s) is on one end of spectrum, and seen a lot with older generations. If person in their retirement doesn't know what they might enjoy in their spare time, after the kids are all grown-up, that tells a lot!!
Setting boundaries is so important to living our lives fully and authentically. It is so easy to constantly negotiate our boundaries and have them tested whether or not we realize it. Thank you for sharing!
❤Thank you so much for the ACTUAL real life scenario examples of "what and how" to say... that we can paraphrase.❤ I found that so much easier to learn from 😊, than the standard lists of "things one could think of saying"... 😵💫
This was a great video! If this helps anyone, I drew a house and wrote all my boundaries on the “grass”, then put a fence around the house and yard. Then I made a bullet of each boundary and then made additional bullets within each one of 2 to 3 reasons why they are necessary for them to be met! Very easy visual and puts it all into perspective! ❤😊 🏠
I have put a lot of thought into this topic after watching your video 2 years ago. I have worked out a definition of a boundary based on what I learned from you. That definition is, " Boundaries are the line I draw that shows others what I need to feel respected".
Needed this today. I have been thinking about how to talk to my family about laying down some ground rules, and it's been weighing heavily on me the last few days. Thank you.
I feel you 100% Your family will say the whole "Who the heck you think you are, you acting all grown and think that you a man now, and tell you, that your being disrespectful and say what all they have done for you" as a gaslighting manipulation tactic to keep you under their roof and all. I wish you best of luck with this.
Good Luck Josh. Family relationships can be tough when when it comes to establishing healthy boundaries...but sometimes it is those relationships that need clear boundaries the most.
Permission to believe it is okay to deserve boundaries! That stopped me in my tracks. Never entered my mind! Wow! Much work to work on this deep belief.
Hey Julia, I greatly appreciate your video on this. My Therapist often talks about needing to set boundaries in my life as I am very much a people pleaser. However, I’m not much of a self starter , and have found it difficult to know where to even begin, much less know what I think a boundary is. Your video was precise, compassionate, and very clear. So, I’m now on to the first step of knowing what my boundaries are , so that I can set them in a clear way. I have subscribed, so I will be seeing ya. Thank you.
Wow! Thai is Really good ! I’m gonna show it to my 14 ur old daughter to help her navigate life . I’m realizing from watching this I was not allowed to have boundaries as a child and I wanna learn it now !
I’m so glad especially that last part, because whenever I’ve tried setting a boundary, I invariably get the pushback. Guilt trips, telling me I’m being unreasonable, attacking my character, etc. So thank you for addressing potential pushback. Some people are reasonable about it because they needed to be corrected, or maybe others were okay with the misbehavior or really were not, but never said anything, and so they may apologize and say they won’t do it again. They might not have realized they overstepped. Most, however will pushback because they are the types who don’t respect other’s boundaries in the first place and that’s why you have to go through the trouble of setting them in the first place. Others out there have the common decency to be respectful enough in general so it’s unnecessary to have to have these awkward conversations with them and things usually go smoothly with them. Sometimes it’s strangers asking impertinent questions or other rude behavior, but often times, boundaries have to be set with relatives and friends and significant others.
Hi! I'm new here. Thank you so much for taking the time to talk about this. I have had so many questions about "boundaries ." I am learning everyday how to interact with family and friends, & anyone I meet.
Julia this is the best explanation of boundaries and the consequences of what happens if you don't set healthy boundaries and sicking to them, I've always had problems with that, this is so helpful your video is perfectly in time with just what I needed to hear, thanks so much Julia.👍
In my search for dealing with narcissist people, I landed on 11 stoic ways of dealing with toxic people and then I got to 12 ways to put the narcissist in their place. There was great emphasis on emotional triggers and setting boundaries on both videos. Fortunately, I landed on your video on boundaries which has opened by squinting eyes and mind. Great content, Julia, I am grateful.
Thank you so much for your work! I’m learning more from your videos than I ever have thru any other source I’ve tried. I’m 54 years old and have been a people pleaser all of my life. I’ve allowed my actions to nearly break me down but I’m determined to make the changes I need to in order to have a more balanced life! Better late than never!!!!
Extremely helpful video. I've been "caving in" on a summer volunteer job, giving the supervisor more days a week than I'd like, thinking I'm "being flexible" and unselfish. But it isn't being flexible after all, it is being inconsistent and I'm starting to feel like a chump. Don't go anywhere Kristina--we need your videos! :)
My minister has an evening candlelit meditation service once a month. I am highly sensitive to perfumes candles. I really want to be part of it because I love listening to the live organ music during the meditation. As the church is filled with burning candles for atmosphere, I offered to supply battery operated candles so I could participate . No more than 5 people come and I know they wouldn’t mind. As the minister sets the tone, she will not accommodate me and even insinuates that I am faking my sensitivities. Therefore, I am happy to meditate to my own music and battery operated candles in the comfort of my own home. “I get to make my own rules on my road to happiness!”
It sounds as if you Minister likes to be in control. Take a trusted friend with you and ask if you have misread the situation. The Minister may have something to learn too.
This was very helpful for me. I’m a bit quiet and somehow feel that I’m responsible for everyone’s happiness, or that I’m not as important as they think they are. Looking at boundaries as a respectful way of treating others and being treated respectfully shed a new light on my understanding.
Hi, I'm Jalen. And I'm a recovering non boundary setter. Not having boundaries has caused much strife in my life. I'm currently struggling in this area including setting boundaries with myself. I hadn't even considered them until about ten years ago when I finally heard it when someone spoke the idea to me. There had been times people had mentioned them before but I completely ignored this concept. Now I'm 48 and done letting this problem run my life. Thank you for this video, I'm sure it will help me tremendously.
Thank you again, julia kristina. Boundaries give me a sense of self, self respect, freedom of choice, peace of mind and dignity. I am grateful for all the things the english language has given me. This is a concept that does not exist in my native language/culture. I didnt watch this channel for the last month. It is strange. Julia kristina's face looks different, especially the nose.i practice sensory augmentation. It is strange. Something is wrong with my face recognition queue.
Thanks for this. Setting boundaries is something I've really struggled with throughout my life and that has shaped my identity. This helps to put things in perspective.
Last part of this video was ESPECIALLY useful. That's my weakness: I'll set the boundary, but then crumble when people continue regardless. And when they continue regardless it makes me so sad and scared, because it feels like I have no control over my own situation and whether or not I'll keep being hurt the same way. But that last bit has inspired me to fight for myself more and stay strong. Reassuring to know this is a common problem too!! Thanks Julia!
Hello from Canada. I am a medium and public figure for other things in media...Empaths have to learn how to set BOUNDRIES alot! Learning how to do this everyday, Was guided to your show. I give angel messages to folks for 7 years now...I am stepping out of my oomfort zone right now in a big way so THANK YOU for the reminder today....Namaste
Thank you for this. I have been taking decisions in favor of other people's wishes just because I'd rather be resented than feeling guilty. Tonight I was about to say yes to an unhealthy situation just because of that. Putting on this video tonight may have saved me from a lot of pain. Thank you so much.
Julia your video has been a blessing to me. Thank you. Most of what you mention I ‘m leaving it. I’m taking notes because I never done boundaries with my daughters. I have 2 married daughters who live with me with their families. I didn’t set up boundaries and now they refuse to leave and find a place of their own. They been with me over 7 years. I been telling them to leave but they just ignore me. I don’t know what to do. I’m raising rent considerably this coming year. I don’t charge them the rate they charge in Southern Ca. but I will. One of my son- in- laws told me. “ you can raise all the rent you want. It doesn’t mean I will pay it. 🙏🙏🙏
I wish I had found this video sooner because this is actually the issue i had after setting healthy boundaries for myself and my household. You helped to better understand the mistakes being made even after being aware of what boundaries need to be set or after the boundary has been set and in place.Thank you for discussing!
Julia, it's like you know me. I have trouble setting boundaries as an adult because I was never taught how to set healthy boundaries. I was basically raised with the mindset of "do as I say, not as I do." So, I was basically set up for failure from the start.
This is a cutting-edge channel. I am glad that I have stumbled upon it. My wife comes from a culture where people (and particularly in-laws) do cross boundaries pretty often and resent being told that they shouldn't and, often, Western husbands end up becoming doormats because they fear losing their relationship. It's hard to strike a balance between showing acceptance, acknowledgment and appreciation and being strict about setting and keeping strong and firm boundaries in this kind of relationship, and all the more so, because most of the time those people cross boundaries out of ignorance and because of how the environment they grew up in shaped them. So, for me, showing understanding, trying to see reality from their point of view, and being strict about setting firm boundaries is a rather tall order to fill and a delicate balance to strike. Greetings from Italy
I just finished listening to your video and i got to say thank you so much! I just got the courage to say out loud to an office friend that i have a routine and i like to eat lunch alone. If it wasnt for your video i would have sucked it up and let her take my break time. I feel so much better now that i dont have to feel uncomfortable just because i want to please someone else. I have the right to have my time and my space alone. I cant wait to talk to my M.I.L. about setting a boundary of not coming over without texting or calling first. Fingers cross that it goes well!
Update: I have talked to my mother in law and it went great. I had to really think of the correct words to use so I wouldn't get anger in return and she just agreed to my boundaries and that was the end of it. Now hopefully it won't be happening again but if it does im just going to have to remind her that I have this line drawn and she should respect it. Thanks for all your information on setting boundaries it's really helped me grow as an individual
I heard about boundaries, and I am 65 yr old. I have never had then. I have adhd and that in itself is short of boundaries. I need these because I have hurt feelings so much... ty I will listen til I understand boundaries.
I loved this video! I found it to be very easy to follow and appreciated the examples. I have trouble making boundaries. I have had family members who were so domineering and making inappropriate comments that hurt my feelings. One of there excuses was, " Oh, didn't mean anything by it". I don't care, it still hurt my feelings. After they still continued to be controlling,judgemental, and making snide comments I decided that I don't have to continue putting myself in that position anymore. I decided to not see them anymore and I don't regret it. After over twenty years of all kinds of abuse by another family member I decided I don't have to take any abuse or be the butt of anyone's jokes. I am an RN and feel this video can help me set boundaries with my patients as well. Thanks so much for this video! ❤ ; )
Thank you! I learned I been setting boundary but it’s not very strong but overtime I will have. I just need stick with my boundary when friends push back.✝️God bless you beautiful lady❤️🥰😍
Omg this video came at the right time. I have been told that I need to be more firm with setting boundaries with others especially those close to me but for some reason I felt that it is hard especially when it comes across as disrespect to other but I’m starting to listen to how I think and feel and value and putting myself first. I will download your list. Thanks for sharing this ❤️
Thanks for explaining boundaries! It's like a permission slip! Seems like a good prompt for starting individual self worth. By not letting yourself down!
I didnt know what boundaries were until 56. Now i see things so differently. Im learning to speak up. I am more agressive with my approach because some people do not listen especially some fsmily members....but i am getting through it!!😊
Turning up uninvited was NEVER an issue in my family circle so this sounded ailien to me until my grandson asked me politely not to just turn up unless i message him first. Im getting used to it because this is new to me!
I usually was able to affirm/set a boundary or express myself but wouldn’t oftentimes discuss the repercussions because I would allow them to sink in the boundary first & then know what I would take action upon thereto of i.e. nonverbally (and then would voice its repercussion - verbally). ✅ I likely could start making them be more clearer. Definitely. ❤️ To start with. Thank you! Am still watching, :) “Boundary is - It’s about saying if you do this then I will do this.” ✅ Establishing & keeping your boundaries (extremely vital: I always get guilt creeping up on me) - 1) Get very clear on your boundaries. *Spend time forming the boundary & Like your boundary & Believe you’re worthy of having this space with your own rules even if other people do not agree with them, or follow them or even test/pushback on your boundary/your limits. Getting Clear on your reasons & believe you’re deserving to say no.* 2) Implement the boundary by either Saying the boundary (if you do this or continue to do this then I will do this). OR doing it non-verbally. *Yikes: I know someone like this👎* Can change the subject, not engage, limp to vague engagement. Short & surface responses. Continuing to and/or being direct in your actions(I believe this is more Preferable because realistically we are not mind readers - So always speak directly I believe). 3) More Difficult BUT Stating your Boundary & Sticking to Your Boundary. *Caving in or settling happens (I struggle with this !) … Cause they learn to do pushback & your boundaries don’t then become believable. *They’ll stop pushing when you’re resistant. Consistency is Vital. You’ve Already Done The Work so Stick To It.* - Respect your own boundaries & like the reasons for your boundaries. [These are nearly all sampled from the video above!!]
Too many people also have unhealthy boundaries that don't do anything but cause more harm to themselves, and/or others. Good to be able to tell the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries. And limits are different than boundaries. Lean to love looking up the definitions of words, please people.
1. Spend time on your reasons for your boundaries and like them13:14 2. Believe that you are worthy setting your boundaries15:04 3. Keep your boundaries 20:13
That difficult conversation person had to be removed from my life because they could care less about whether I want to talk about whatever topic or not. They would ignore verbal and non verbal cues. I finally told them “ I don’t like how I feel around you, so I don’t want to be around you anymore”
Amazing. I wish I’ve learned that earlier and I wish I could follow those tips and be more assertive. Last time I clearly stated that I don’t want to talk politics to a friend who constantly picks up provocative topics to argue they said : no, it’s important to talk about those things! People need to talk about those things! And I responded: you won’t change my mind but the relationship will stuffer. She replied, «but I’m not trying to change your mind. But here is where you’re wrong…» lol.
Hey Im Monique dx with BPD a while ago... found you today after my therapist gave me a boundaries assignment and I just felt so confused about how to do this. Thank you for this video❤
Wow, it's the first time I hear about worthiness around boundaries, big shift for me thank you! Working towards setting and honoring... and keeping my boundaries! Because most of the time I realize I bend in order to please the other... And most of the time the other has no idea what is going on for me!! Going back to boundarerie gym :)
I told a guy that a comment he made to me was rude. He responded saying that I "scolded" him, that I need to "lighten up" and that "a person can't joke with me". The comment was a sarcastic, backhanded slam on me (an insult disguised as a joke). I was guilt tripped for having my opinion of "that's rude". I am completely okay never talking to him again.
I find it's important to have people to practice Healthy boundaries. I really miss up trying to use them without someone to practice with first. It ended up causing a lot of damage.
Thank you so much Julia for this excellent video, it made the whole boundary topic crystal clear for me, and just at a time when I'm struggling with this very issue. Now I feel ready to set my boundaries with confidence.
If people don't respect your boundaries, they don't respect you.
If they don't respect you, they don't deserve your time and energy.
Well said, JesLord. Establishing clear boundaries teaches others how you wish to be treated.
Criminals respect nobody, nothing is sacred to them - so this does NOT always stand up if your in law enforcement.
I think it's a bit typical of the times we are living in, the "ME" generation.
I believe quite often, the person your dealing with just needs someone to understand them instead of judging them. I believe in taking the time to care and explore what's underneath them, vs my own personal needs.
This is not disrespecting my own person imo. I have turned situations around, even prevented a suicide on my way home from work because I took the time to talk to a young girl who literally was in the middle of street on ground banging her own head against the pavement in traffic!
This may sound counter intuitive but I find the "Me" generation philosophy rather selfish and cynical in a world where it's going off the rails with
Self possessiveness.
My first time ever on this, and I am NOT a fan of marriage and family "counselors". This young lady deserves an applause for her delivery of such sensitive information.
I always thought that if I walked out of a room when someone was yelling at me or criticizing me, they'd accuse me of running away. But now I understand that it doesn't matter how it looks to them.
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I wish I learn this for life
I get this totally. I wasn't heard anyway. But now I don't care. Maybe a bit but I don't let them know that. Not easy. But I am learning 😊
As a therapist I think I will just have my clients watch this video when they have boundary issues. This is amazing.
hi julia kristina my name is charmainechitiyio and in my self and my life i was whanted to know about boundaries in relationship
Agreed, it is amazing!
At 51 years old, I'm going to put words to boundaries that I thought were just understood. And I'm going to do what's best for me if they are ignored.
A boundary, in essence, is a checkpoint or a wall that does not let things in. And if you're smart about it, you build that wall just the right way so you keep the bad stuff out while still allowing the good stuff to come in.
My therapist suggested I listen to this. It is not that I do not already know these things. It is almost like I need confirmation that what I think I know is OK. And - yes - it is like getting "permission" to proceed. Thank you. This is me moving forward :).
I had a girlfriend who used to lie to me. I told her I dont want to be with someone who lies to me. She said I was making too big of a deal about it. I said goodbye. Lol. Thanks. This was really good.
Lol. Love this.
Good for you, it can feel difficult but saying no means saying yes to other things that are more helpful
Happened to me too. Bye bye 👋😅
I wish I had known about boundaries when I was young. I was people pleaser who didn't know who I was. Xx
Do you know about them now and are you using them now?
@@juliakristinamah I'm learning . Your videos gave helped a lot. I'm so grateful for your channel.
I wish I too learned about healthy boundaries when I was younger Rebekah. They are so important in life and in establishing one's sense of self. But it's never too late to learn 😀.
Ditto
Same. My mother was even worse. I then went to ripping heads off when someone crosses the line which I want to change.
I don’t struggle with setting boundaries, I struggle with setting them kindly
Me too. I end up sounding snarky and hostile.
I do too & I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m soo uncomfortable confronting others it comes out wayy too blunt when I finally do say something :(!
I'm finding that because I'm new at it. Lol people don't listen to me so I have to yell. But I am learning 😊😊
Yes depending on the situation i get snappy and authoritative in a bossy way OR i do the opposite and go all flaky and apologetic. I regret the former because i make enemies and i cringe at the latter because they think im a push over.
They are losing respect for me and i feel like locking myself away.
This video resonated with me. I realized that the reason why i struggle to set boundaries is because i feel im not deserving and that i should say yes to people and be a "good person" my first step im going to take is to write down my boundaries and why they are important to me. I will also use the resource on multiple ways to say no.
Practice makes perfect
I only have to say one thing Julia. I am not the same person since I started following you and my life has changed and improved for the best! Thank you
I've never had boundaries before, and this weekend I realised something I just wanted to share here. I was starting to feel anxious at one point, and when I looked at it, or just felt it, I realised that it was my energy levels getting lower, getting closer to my own boundaries, and because I never even had boundaries before anxiety kicks in because my body doesn't trust that it's gonna be taken care of. And only then did I realise that I was in need of some time to recharge. I really want to let myself know that I am here now, that I will take care of myself and listen when I'm tired. (instead of getting angry or frustrated that I 'shouldn't feel tired so easily' or 'other people can handle more') That moment made me realise that it's more than just taking rest, it's rebuilding trust with myself and working through that old anxiety.
I really resonate with what you shared Alexej! Only recently have I understood the tactics of manipulation used against me to brainwash me for years under a religious rule... However, I have overcome a lot of that and am ever-growing in my journey of learning my self-worth, that I am enough, and I am deserving of unconditional love. Learning how to create healthy boundaries is a skill worth learning. I like the ebook Healthy Boundaries by MotherTree Consulting. Whichever route you choose, I trust & believe You'll get there!
This whole thread is everything. ! Thank you all for not only the video but the comments! I’m proud of myself for doing the work now! 🫂
Thank you for articulating this!
Very helpful and affirming!
Beautifully put! I have not experienced this yet, but that is because I have not tried establishing boundaries yet. Thank you for the heads up ❤
I never knew what boundaries were until a year ago and I still have trouble working out what my boundaries are. As a child I got punished for having a boundary. Boundaries are there to make you feel safe. So the anxiety is in reaction to feeling unsafe. Unfortunately if you don't have boundaries, you won't recognise other people's boundaries and may unknowingly cross them.
It's one thing KNOWING how to set boundaries.... it's another thing completely BEING ABLE TO speak up and set those boundaries.... that's what i struggle with. I know what I should say and how i should say it.... but I'm not able to bring myself to actually say what needs to be said... so instead...i stay silent and try to tolerate the behaviour as best i can....i wish i could actually speak up without fear
Same
Have you ever considered working on chakra alignment? Sounds like you’d benefit from clearing throat chakra blockages. But many times when one is blocked, others might be also.
Your not alone iv been doing that for 15 years know😢
You don’t always need to communicate your boundaries to other people. You need to know what your boundaries are and move accordingly, walk away if you need to.
Sozo inner healing is amazing.
Deal with the root.
I've had family members not only come into the house unannounced but they bang and kick doors when we didn't answer the door. Boundaries are so important.
Me too. My mother has no boundaries around the bathroom door either. The last time I allowed her in my space years ago, I was in the bathroom with the door closed for a few minutes and she thought it was appropriate to bang on the door demanding to be let in immediately so she could use the bathroom. It was not an emergency, she just felt entitled. I informed her she needed to leave right after that and I haven’t let her back in any of my living spaces since.
omg that first part where she said “setting boudries is not about controlling people.” and even though i know this fact, i finally feel like i undestood it and it clicked. it is not selfish of me to ask you if it involves me. it is not about you or changing you at all. 😭😭👍🙏
This is such a tough one, and it takes persistence and practice. Try setting reminders to yourself on the phone, through sticky notes, to stick to your intentions. Start the day with affirming that you deserve to be fair to yourself. Take notes and reflect when you gave in to the demands of others. Really take time to plan the approach and the practice. Good luck to us all!
In 12 step therapy, I learned all about healthy self Esteem, boundaries & how to say NO and yet, fear & early conditioning has caused me to shrink right back into many of my unhealthy old patterns, so thank you for posting this video. ❤
Fear is the root cause of my poor boundaries. I was afraid of the push-back. Outgrowing that fear through faith helped my boundaries become much healthier.
Boundaries are important especially with family. Our mental health and energy should not be depleted for others. I find that saying let's not talk about this is helpful,
when conversations becomes uncomfortable. If that doesn't work I just leave. Mental health is more important than most people understand. Thank you for the tips on setting boundaries.
I agree with you when the other person becomes aggressive or abusive or just wouldn't give you a chance to speak... or if it is about something that doesn't concern your relationship with this person (like politics etc.) and I totally get where you coming from. I just feel that I have to mention another way of using that sort of response... I also made the experience that whenever I wanted to talk about something that felt uncomfortable for the other person, he would just walk away, saying exactly that: "let's not talk about this, I don't like talking about this..." with the result that we never could solve any issues because without communication it is not possible. Well, as I am learning, it is his choice at the end of the day... and the only option it leaves me is to walk away from that person all together... it's painful, but luckily there are no children involved...However, if this is a "healthy boundary" to just refuse any communication about any uncomfortable topic... I don't know...
Completely agree with Brigit. Just walking away from anything that is uncomfortable to discuss is called avoidance. It is important to have difficult relationships conversations in healthy ways. Walking away is stonewalling.
@@celestestone I agree using the silent treatment is using boundaries as a form of punishment
@@k-lab3824not necessarily, it depends if you’re wanting to have this crucial conversation with someone who is lucid or not, who is open or not, who is defensive or not, who is a narcissist or not.
It is definitely not healthy to walk away from any topic a person doesn’t want to address but if they are screaming and degrading you, you shouldn’t stay for that convo is what I’m gathering from the comments. Addressing issues is critical in any relationship and walking away isn’t a boundary in all circumstances. Sometimes it’s avoidance. But you are right. At the end of the day, a boundary is you deciding what you will do if someone isn’t behaving safely within your boundaries. You cannot force your mate to change but you can say this isn’t what is best for me and walk away yourself from the unhealthy relationship. ❤️
Dead silence/non-reaction scares narcissists, haters, people who don't respect your boundaries, and people who are jealous/envious of you.
Jealousy can mean a lot of things: rumors, competition, lies. They look down on you. They don’t miss any detail of how you are dressed or how you act, etc. They are always hanging on what others are doing or saying. They are often critical and judgmental. They often reveal things to others. They never have enough of anything; they are never satisfied. They always believe that other people are more fortunate and get everything.
Often they are not creative. In fact, it is common for them to copy others. And they are happy when others fail. There will always be jealous people around you. You will come across them in your friend groups, in your workplace, in your neighborhood, and even in your family. Don’t let yourself be susceptible to this negativity, nor let it bring you down.
you said it perfectly 😊
Working on this one bigtime! Have some in my family. Now I'm learning boundaries wow no one likes me anymore ...but they're the ones that are unlikeable 😊 I always took crap. Not any more.😊 I agree with you 💯😊
That is my entire life. Dealing with toxic people.
Is the issues always on them? Surely they cant ALL be wrong and we, i, us are right? I just wonder if it IS ME not them?
Setting boundaries keeps peace and your mental health at bay. It's good for us to maintain boundaries with others!
Love your term for your fans "shifters" like energy shifters from stressed and crazed in frustration with yourself or lack of success to clear, calm, peaceful observance of key principles that can get us there.
Shifter sounds so subtle yet powerful and effective. Grateful.
Thanks Julia, it is important to be reminded of the importance of maintaining healthy boundaries. Boundaries can evoke blaming shaming guilting and anger from those who lack respect for you. That's on them to manage. Nobody has the right to disrespect you because of your life choices
I think good boundaries are like good fences between neighbors Arne de Lange. Establishing the limits of a relationship are key to any successful relationship.
Freedom of speech is precious, so are laws - which get birthed by other parties negative, harmful actions.
Two sides to everything.
Nobody has the right to disrespect you because of your choices - unless your a Christian, NRA member, Trump supporter - then all of a sudden all this babble goes out the window?
Talk about neighbors! Now that's a subject everyone of us has had to deal with.
I really wish I had known about this a few years back. I struggled with this in high school with peers and with family members. It was hard to keep boundaries and I folded often cause people guilted me into doing so. Man this was helpful! Schools should be teaching this stuff!
This conversation is simple to understand but is also simplistic. People can use the boundaries concept as a passive aggressive weapon to prevent resolution of difficult relationship issues. Boundaries are easy to set when you care so little for the other that you can simply walk away. But, in a real relationship, many boundaries are not set but are negotiated.
Thank you for this talk. I've been married for 44 years and always had a hard time keeping my own boundaries. When I would get home from work I found that everything was planned for me to do with the kids and I simply just went along whether I wanted to or not. I felt that it wasn't considered that maybe I didn't want to do all the family obligations.
So now, as I retire, I'm working hard to find what it is that I really want to do with my own time. And wow am I getting push back in many ways when I try to establish a boundary. I'm persevering, though. It's tough when you've always been a nice guy and then seek some independence only to have a passive aggressive, whining, manipulative schmooze hit your little fence.
Well, anyway, thank you for your encouragement from this talk.
So, let me get this straight. You are the parent and you didn't want the family obligations!?
@@personincognito3989 Hmmm, I'm an extremely dedicated father. It would take a book to get it across to you. How could you understand with the little paragraph I wrote? Your judgement is incorrect.
Person incognitos comment was way off the mark. Kudos to you Andrew for taking a stand for your boundaries. There will be friction at first, especially when people are not used to being turned down or having every request answered. That's the part where, as mentioned in the video, intermittent reinforcement can make it harder to break the pattern of giving in. I really like how Julia highlights how you can control only you, not anyone else. It's up to you to decide if you allow others to steer your ship.
@@andrewknapp5691 oh no, I get it
@@personincognito3989... there is difference between family dedication (or expectations) and having healthy self development. Self-scarifying parents, and all that for the good and benefit of kid(s) is on one end of spectrum, and seen a lot with older generations. If person in their retirement doesn't know what they might enjoy in their spare time, after the kids are all grown-up, that tells a lot!!
That's the best 28 minutes and a bit that I've spent in a long time. Thanks!
Setting boundaries is so important to living our lives fully and authentically. It is so easy to constantly negotiate our boundaries and have them tested whether or not we realize it. Thank you for sharing!
I wish I would have known about this sooner. I do believe I would have lived a different life. But we are here now.
❤Thank you so much for the ACTUAL real life scenario examples of "what and how" to say... that we can paraphrase.❤
I found that so much easier to learn from 😊, than the standard lists of "things one could think of saying"... 😵💫
This was a great video! If this helps anyone, I drew a house and wrote all my boundaries on the “grass”, then put a fence around the house and yard. Then I made a bullet of each boundary and then made additional bullets within each one of 2 to 3 reasons why they are necessary for them to be met! Very easy visual and puts it all into perspective! ❤😊 🏠
I have put a lot of thought into this topic after watching your video 2 years ago. I have worked out a definition of a boundary based on what I learned from you. That definition is, " Boundaries are the line I draw that shows others what I need to feel respected".
Needed this today. I have been thinking about how to talk to my family about laying down some ground rules, and it's been weighing heavily on me the last few days. Thank you.
Good luck Josh - and keep us posted on how it goes.
I feel you 100% Your family will say the whole "Who the heck you think you are, you acting all grown and think that you a man now, and tell you, that your being disrespectful and say what all they have done for you" as a gaslighting manipulation tactic to keep you under their roof and all. I wish you best of luck with this.
Good Luck Josh. Family relationships can be tough when when it comes to establishing healthy boundaries...but sometimes it is those relationships that need clear boundaries the most.
Permission to believe it is okay to deserve boundaries! That stopped me in my tracks. Never entered my mind! Wow! Much work to work on this deep belief.
With the Shifts that are happening right now, boundaries are important for me. Thank you Julia
The example with the mouse pushing for reward is fantastic. I think I should start to see some people exactly like that, because they are like that.
Hey Julia, I greatly appreciate your video on this. My Therapist often talks about needing to set boundaries in my life as I am very much a people pleaser. However, I’m not much of a self starter , and have found it difficult to know where to even begin, much less know what I think a boundary is. Your video was precise, compassionate, and very clear. So, I’m now on to the first step of knowing what my boundaries are , so that I can set them in a clear way. I have subscribed, so I will be seeing ya. Thank you.
Wow! Thai is Really good ! I’m gonna show it to my 14 ur old daughter to help her navigate life . I’m realizing from watching this I was not allowed to have boundaries as a child and I wanna learn it now !
I’m so glad especially that last part, because whenever I’ve tried setting a boundary, I invariably get the pushback.
Guilt trips, telling me I’m being unreasonable, attacking my character, etc. So thank you for addressing potential pushback.
Some people are reasonable about it because they needed to be corrected, or maybe others were okay with the misbehavior or really were not, but never said anything, and so they may apologize and say they won’t do it again. They might not have realized they overstepped.
Most, however will pushback because they are the types who don’t respect other’s boundaries in the first place and that’s why you have to go through the trouble of setting them in the first place.
Others out there have the common decency to be respectful enough in general so it’s unnecessary to have to have these awkward conversations with them and things usually go smoothly with them.
Sometimes it’s strangers asking impertinent questions or other rude behavior, but often times, boundaries have to be set with relatives and friends and significant others.
Hi! I'm new here. Thank you so much for taking the time to talk about this. I have had so many questions about "boundaries ." I am learning everyday how to interact with family and friends, & anyone I meet.
Julia this is the best explanation of boundaries and the consequences of what happens if you don't set healthy boundaries and sicking to them, I've always had problems with that, this is so helpful your video is perfectly in time with just what I needed to hear, thanks so much Julia.👍
We are wortthy of our boundaries because those are actually what makes our identity! What we are, our uniqueness! Thank you!
In my search for dealing with narcissist people, I landed on 11 stoic ways of dealing with toxic people and then I got to 12 ways to put the narcissist in their place. There was great emphasis on emotional triggers and setting boundaries on both videos. Fortunately, I landed on your video on boundaries which has opened by squinting eyes and mind. Great content, Julia, I am grateful.
Thank you so much for your work! I’m learning more from your videos than I ever have thru any other source I’ve tried. I’m 54 years old and have been a people pleaser all of my life. I’ve allowed my actions to nearly break me down but I’m determined to make the changes I need to in order to have a more balanced life! Better late than never!!!!
Extremely helpful video. I've been "caving in" on a summer volunteer job, giving the supervisor more days a week than I'd like, thinking I'm "being flexible" and unselfish. But it isn't being flexible after all, it is being inconsistent and I'm starting to feel like a chump.
Don't go anywhere Kristina--we need your videos! :)
My minister has an evening candlelit meditation service once a month. I am highly sensitive to perfumes candles. I really want to be part of it because I love listening to the live organ music during the meditation. As the church is filled with burning candles for atmosphere, I offered to supply battery operated candles so I could participate . No more than 5 people come and I know they wouldn’t mind. As the minister sets the tone, she will not accommodate me and even insinuates that I am faking my sensitivities.
Therefore, I am happy to meditate to my own music and battery operated candles in the comfort of my own home. “I get to make my own rules on my road to happiness!”
It sounds as if you Minister likes to be in control. Take a trusted friend with you and ask if you have misread the situation. The Minister may have something to learn too.
That is just wisdom
I never heard of boundaries before. This is very important for me! Thanks!!
This was very helpful for me. I’m a bit quiet and somehow feel that I’m responsible for everyone’s happiness, or that I’m not as important as they think they are. Looking at boundaries as a respectful way of treating others and being treated respectfully shed a new light on my understanding.
Hi, I'm Jalen. And I'm a recovering non boundary setter. Not having boundaries has caused much strife in my life. I'm currently struggling in this area including setting boundaries with myself. I hadn't even considered them until about ten years ago when I finally heard it when someone spoke the idea to me. There had been times people had mentioned them before but I completely ignored this concept. Now I'm 48 and done letting this problem run my life. Thank you for this video, I'm sure it will help me tremendously.
Actual topic at 2:48
Thank you again, julia kristina.
Boundaries give me a sense of self, self respect, freedom of choice, peace of mind and dignity.
I am grateful for all the things the english language has given me.
This is a concept that does not exist in my native language/culture.
I didnt watch this channel for the last month. It is strange. Julia kristina's face looks different, especially the nose.i practice sensory augmentation.
It is strange.
Something is wrong with my face recognition queue.
Thanks for this. Setting boundaries is something I've really struggled with throughout my life and that has shaped my identity. This helps to put things in perspective.
Last part of this video was ESPECIALLY useful. That's my weakness: I'll set the boundary, but then crumble when people continue regardless. And when they continue regardless it makes me so sad and scared, because it feels like I have no control over my own situation and whether or not I'll keep being hurt the same way. But that last bit has inspired me to fight for myself more and stay strong. Reassuring to know this is a common problem too!! Thanks Julia!
Hello from Canada. I am a medium and public figure for other things in media...Empaths have to learn how to set BOUNDRIES alot! Learning how to do this everyday, Was guided to your show. I give angel messages to folks for 7 years now...I am stepping out of my oomfort zone right now in a big way so THANK YOU for the reminder today....Namaste
Thank you for this. I have been taking decisions in favor of other people's wishes just because I'd rather be resented than feeling guilty. Tonight I was about to say yes to an unhealthy situation just because of that. Putting on this video tonight may have saved me from a lot of pain. Thank you so much.
Julia your video has been a blessing to me. Thank you. Most of what you mention I ‘m leaving it. I’m taking notes because I never done boundaries with my daughters. I have 2 married daughters who live with me with their families. I didn’t set up boundaries and now they refuse to leave and find a place of their own. They been with me over 7 years. I been telling them to leave but they just ignore me. I don’t know what to do. I’m raising rent considerably this coming year. I don’t charge them the rate they charge in Southern Ca. but I will. One of my son- in- laws told me. “ you can raise all the rent you want. It doesn’t mean I will pay it. 🙏🙏🙏
Thank you for this! I realized I had people in my past who didn’t like when I set boundaries
I wish I had found this video sooner because this is actually the issue i had after setting healthy boundaries for myself and my household. You helped to better understand the mistakes being made even after being aware of what boundaries need to be set or after the boundary has been set and in place.Thank you for discussing!
Julia, it's like you know me. I have trouble setting boundaries as an adult because I was never taught how to set healthy boundaries. I was basically raised with the mindset of "do as I say, not as I do." So, I was basically set up for failure from the start.
I hear you Raider Love. Overcoming those traditional messages and reprogramming more healthy ones cane be very challenging. Good luck to you.
You are so right! It goes both ways. Others have their boundaries, which is their right. As one (or I) have mine.
Just joined the shift society! Every vid I've watched so far has resonated in some way very deeply with me, and I look forward to more!
This is a cutting-edge channel. I am glad that I have stumbled upon it. My wife comes from a culture where people (and particularly in-laws) do cross boundaries pretty often and resent being told that they shouldn't and, often, Western husbands end up becoming doormats because they fear losing their relationship. It's hard to strike a balance between showing acceptance, acknowledgment and appreciation and being strict about setting and keeping strong and firm boundaries in this kind of relationship, and all the more so, because most of the time those people cross boundaries out of ignorance and because of how the environment they grew up in shaped them. So, for me, showing understanding, trying to see reality from their point of view, and being strict about setting firm boundaries is a rather tall order to fill and a delicate balance to strike. Greetings from Italy
WOW! This is GOLD for me. So glad the Lord lead me to you! Thank you ❤️
I just finished listening to your video and i got to say thank you so much! I just got the courage to say out loud to an office friend that i have a routine and i like to eat lunch alone. If it wasnt for your video i would have sucked it up and let her take my break time. I feel so much better now that i dont have to feel uncomfortable just because i want to please someone else. I have the right to have my time and my space alone. I cant wait to talk to my M.I.L. about setting a boundary of not coming over without texting or calling first. Fingers cross that it goes well!
Update: I have talked to my mother in law and it went great. I had to really think of the correct words to use so I wouldn't get anger in return and she just agreed to my boundaries and that was the end of it. Now hopefully it won't be happening again but if it does im just going to have to remind her that I have this line drawn and she should respect it. Thanks for all your information on setting boundaries it's really helped me grow as an individual
You are on fire today! This is exactly what I needed to hear today. It confirmed I am on the right trace. I’m so grateful I found you.
Ditto shes great
I heard about boundaries, and I am 65 yr old. I have never had then. I have adhd and that in itself is short of boundaries. I need these because I have hurt feelings so much... ty I will listen til I understand boundaries.
I loved this video! I found it to be very easy to follow and appreciated the examples. I have trouble making boundaries. I have had family members who were so domineering and making inappropriate comments that hurt my feelings. One of there excuses was, " Oh, didn't mean anything by it". I don't care, it still hurt my feelings. After they still continued to be controlling,judgemental, and making snide comments I decided that I don't have to continue putting myself in that position anymore. I decided to not see them anymore and I don't regret it. After over twenty years of all kinds of abuse by another family member I decided I don't have to take any abuse or be the butt of anyone's jokes. I am an RN and feel this video can help me set boundaries with my patients as well. Thanks so much for this video! ❤ ; )
Thank you! I learned I been setting boundary but it’s not very strong but overtime I will have. I just need stick with my boundary when friends push back.✝️God bless you beautiful lady❤️🥰😍
Thank you Kristina I wasn't understanding how to set boundaries...because of your video I know understand
Omg this video came at the right time. I have been told that I need to be more firm with setting boundaries with others especially those close to me but for some reason I felt that it is hard especially when it comes across as disrespect to other but I’m starting to listen to how I think and feel and value and putting myself first. I will download your list. Thanks for sharing this ❤️
I love your explanation about the hose. Gives me more clarity on what boundaries really are. 💜
Thanks for explaining boundaries! It's like a permission slip! Seems like a good prompt for starting individual self worth. By not letting yourself down!
I'M NEW HERE NEVER HAD TO SET BOUNDARIES BUT DEFINITELY A MUST WITH A NARCISSIST
I didnt know what boundaries were until 56. Now i see things so differently. Im learning to speak up. I am more agressive with my approach because some people do not listen especially some fsmily members....but i am getting through it!!😊
This video is so helpful and clear! It gives me hope and courage! Thank you!
Thank u I loved how she got right to the point other YouTubrs keeping beating around the bush
Turning up uninvited was NEVER an issue in my family circle so this sounded ailien to me until my grandson asked me politely not to just turn up unless i message him first. Im getting used to it because this is new to me!
This was so helpful! Thank you! 🧡
Loved the *backyard* analogy!
So helpful!👍
Thank you for your video on boundaries.
I usually was able to affirm/set a boundary or express myself but wouldn’t oftentimes discuss the repercussions because I would allow them to sink in the boundary first & then know what I would take action upon thereto of i.e. nonverbally (and then would voice its repercussion - verbally). ✅ I likely could start making them be more clearer. Definitely. ❤️ To start with. Thank you! Am still watching, :) “Boundary is - It’s about saying if you do this then I will do this.” ✅
Establishing & keeping your boundaries (extremely vital: I always get guilt creeping up on me) -
1) Get very clear on your boundaries.
*Spend time forming the boundary & Like your boundary & Believe you’re worthy of having this space with your own rules even if other people do not agree with them, or follow them or even test/pushback on your boundary/your limits. Getting Clear on your reasons & believe you’re deserving to say no.*
2) Implement the boundary by either Saying the boundary (if you do this or continue to do this then I will do this). OR doing it non-verbally. *Yikes: I know someone like this👎* Can change the subject, not engage, limp to vague engagement. Short & surface responses. Continuing to and/or being direct in your actions(I believe this is more Preferable because realistically we are not mind readers - So always speak directly I believe).
3) More Difficult BUT Stating your Boundary & Sticking to Your Boundary. *Caving in or settling happens (I struggle with this !) … Cause they learn to do pushback & your boundaries don’t then become believable. *They’ll stop pushing when you’re resistant. Consistency is Vital. You’ve Already Done The Work so Stick To It.* - Respect your own boundaries & like the reasons for your boundaries. [These are nearly all sampled from the video above!!]
Too many people also have unhealthy boundaries that don't do anything but cause more harm to themselves, and/or others. Good to be able to tell the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries. And limits are different than boundaries. Lean to love looking up the definitions of words, please people.
1. Spend time on your reasons for your boundaries and like them13:14
2. Believe that you are worthy setting your boundaries15:04
3. Keep your boundaries 20:13
I'm happy to be listening to your videos again, Julia! This has been so helpful!
That difficult conversation person had to be removed from my life because they could care less about whether I want to talk about whatever topic or not. They would ignore verbal and non verbal cues. I finally told them “ I don’t like how I feel around you, so I don’t want to be around you anymore”
The consistency with boundaries. That hit home hard.
Amazing. I wish I’ve learned that earlier and I wish I could follow those tips and be more assertive. Last time I clearly stated that I don’t want to talk politics to a friend who constantly picks up provocative topics to argue they said : no, it’s important to talk about those things! People need to talk about those things! And I responded: you won’t change my mind but the relationship will stuffer. She replied, «but I’m not trying to change your mind. But here is where you’re wrong…» lol.
Thank you for your presentation A lot to think about
The intermittent reinforcement part is like WOW. I am gonna keep that in mind. It's going to be hard but it's never too late I think.
Definitely needed this today. Thank you ☺️💜
You're welcome Sarah - really glad it helped.
Hello, I'm Crystal and I am learning a lot about childhood trauma, bpd and issues with setting bound.
Great information Julia. Love your message and the way you present it. Cheers!
Thanks Ron. Really glad you're here and hope you're having a great day.
@@juliakristinamah Looking forward to hearing more of your great content Julia. Cheers!
Hey Im Monique dx with BPD a while ago... found you today after my therapist gave me a boundaries assignment and I just felt so confused about how to do this. Thank you for this video❤
Wow, it's the first time I hear about worthiness around boundaries, big shift for me thank you! Working towards setting and honoring... and keeping my boundaries! Because most of the time I realize I bend in order to please the other... And most of the time the other has no idea what is going on for me!! Going back to boundarerie gym :)
I told a guy that a comment he made to me was rude. He responded saying that I "scolded" him, that I need to "lighten up" and that "a person can't joke with me". The comment was a sarcastic, backhanded slam on me (an insult disguised as a joke). I was guilt tripped for having my opinion of "that's rude". I am completely okay never talking to him again.
Excellent. Helpful. Practical. Thank you.
I find it's important to have people to practice Healthy boundaries. I really miss up trying to use them without someone to practice with first. It ended up causing a lot of damage.
Great indepth video on boundaries, just at the right time. Thanks :)
Thank you so much Julia for this excellent video, it made the whole boundary topic crystal clear for me, and just at a time when I'm struggling with this very issue. Now I feel ready to set my boundaries with confidence.
I definitely need work on Boundaries Thanks Julia Christina
Great info. I needed to hear and watch this.