Communication became like a clickbate made by HR departments and repeated by YT experts. Yes, communication is important but it still takes two to tango and many times people simply don't care to put in the required effort. It is for sure not mandatory, as a wiling partner can figure partners needs through trial and error, hints etc. There are also universal truths about human needs in relationships, so no one living in 2024 who cares about their relationships should be surprised about the major staff.
@@valdius85I agree with this. There is a step beyond communication: reaction to what is communicated. Actions, words, expressed attitudes; they all have to line up in order to be the “communication” that makes things work. Anything to add?
It hurts to imagine life without my boyfriend. I never thought it would come to this point where I might have to let go. I know this may not be the right place to share this, but I feel like I’m gradually losing myself, and I don’t know what to do. I’m holding tightly to the beautiful moments we shared, and I sincerely hope he finds happiness.
I completely understand how you feel. I went through something similar when my long term relationship ended. It felt like my heart was shattered, and no matter how much time passed, I couldn’t let go of the memories. I tried everything to get him back talking to friends for advice, even writing letters I never sent. Eventually, I found help through fatherabulu, who came through for me and helped me get my man back.
I am going through this with my wife at this very moment. We have been married for 11 years as of last week and it took me forgetting that day for the 11th time in a row for her to finally break down and tell me she's had enough if things don't change. My fears of intimacy led to her feeling just as you do. I would say send him these videos. I didn't even realize that I was hurting her until it was so far gone that she was physically ill.
Geez. I'm the one who says one thing and end up doing another :( Just yesterday I was supposed to wait for her to come back late from work and go meet her at her house once she arrived there... but we barely slept the night before, so when she was on her way home, I told her I was so tired and sleepy that I couldn't keep my eyes open and asked her if she would be mad if I cancelled. She said no, but she was disappointed. This morning I messaged her using tips from a video I watched on this channel the day before (the name is "Fix your Fights in 30 minutes") and I managed to get her into meeting me today. She gets away when she's mad, so I guess she wouldn't talk to me for about 2 days if it wasn't for that video, so thank you, Jimmy. Your work here is treasure
If I may say this - admitting that shows me, a random internet stranger, just how dedicated you are to real change and a healthy relationship. While I could sit here and list the things I am justified in asking for and justifiably disappointed by not getting, I want to follow your lead... you are absolutely not the only person who says one thing and does another. Speaking for myself here, not you, I often get lost in my needs not being met to the detriment of meeting someone else's. When I say I will do something because I have full intention to and then I don't do it, I get defensive. Because I know I'm wrong. However... there's a nice warm freedom in admitting a wrong and being strong enough to be vulnerable enough to change. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense here. I just wanted to say that your willingness to post this and the actions you took to address it to affect change are truly admirable. Thank you for posting this. I wish you two all the best!!
@Alixir1228 I mean sure, he should have make sure he was rested but if it was not possible and he was really tired to the point he couldn't keep his eyes open it's probably best to cancel plans just for this time instead of driving bc it could be dangerous, I get why his girlfriend would feel a bit disappointed thought
If she goes without speaking to you for 2 days, bc she’s mad, she isn’t worth investing your time in. Things happen in life, disappointments are inevitable. The way we react to these disappointments is very telling about how we feel about another person. You need to feel loved, especially when you mess up. When we’re disappointed in someone, it’s natural to immediately be selfish, however, when you truly care about someone, you put yourself in their shoes and decide if you’re disappoint hurt, or angry hurt. In your situation, she should have felt disappointed, but not angry enough to even think about not speaking to you.
@@FlyingSquell Love how it only takes one youtube comment for someone to assume they know everything about another person's relationship and that they should break up over it.
Around the 4 min mark: I would add that invalidation is also just ignoring the feelings altogether. When you open up about what you're feeling and are met with silence and them just continuing with what they were doing.
My little grain of salt, evn a hurt forgiven is not forgot. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting about it. It mean moving forward with the pain the other person inflicted to you. When the person hurt you again in the same way again though throwing the mistake back into the argument isn't resentment, it's supporting the point that the second time hurt even more than the first. My ex kept hurting me in the same way over and over again and I forgave her but at some point started reminding her all the previous time she hurt me the same way, that I discussed it with her, she said sorry and she wouldn't do it again but still did it again. She told me I was just holding a grudge and these were only past and why I couldn't forgive her. It made me think ... I did forgive her, I didn't forget.
What about the repeat offender? They are a bad person but I'd like to know why they can't change, why it's so hard for them? I feel like it's difficult for me to change some behaviors as well, maybe it's just incompatibility?
@@shyrory There is a difference between bringing something back up as a pressure tactic versus bring it back to show a pattern of behavior that is concerning or hurtful. I agree that holding past behavior as coercion against someone is not a part of a healthy relationship dynamic.
After 24 years with a man that NEVER apologized. Gaslit. And refused to show affection or have intimacy. And would not communicate about anything. Stonewalling. Voicing my needs over and over. I filed for divorce last month. If they wanted to, they would. And if they don’t, then leave. You deserve real love.
Wow. Is my wife big time. Same amount of time, I just couldn’t cope with it any longer. We’ve barely spoken for the last year while separated. I’ve been seriously morning our marriage for at least five probably longer. So sorry for your loss. I wish it could’ve been better. GL!
My biggest issue in relationships was always the constant reassurance seeking - doing therapy to learn how to self soothe when I have those anxieties and ALSO finding a partner who had some patience with me and that I trusted made a huge difference. He understood that it was an insecurity and I was honest about how it had been a problem for me in the past. With time and vulnerability, trust is really the biggest healing tool for that unhealthy need.
I recently developed relationships that function with that level of communication and trust. We talk about anything that bothers us or what we need openly and kindly. There has been some little bumps in the road, but nothing toxic or offensive, just figuring out how to communicate this way. Kind people will make these things work, especially if you have a good connection and love each other
It’s hard to imagine someone communicating so clearly and pleasantly. Also, congrats on the 1 million subs, you deserve it, your videos are so beneficial
Thank God I found you… my girlfriend would have broke up with me if I didn’t saw your videos and had some awareness. I’m reading also the books you suggested, they’re great!
How to communicate what you need in the relationship is the hardest part for me. It’s so hard for me to communicate effectively that I just want to give up and walk away from the relationship. I’d rather feel alone on my own than alone while in a relationship.
Don't be afraid to authentically express your feelings you'll be pleasantly surprised that your partner will appreciate your openness and care about your feelings
It's very hard for me, too. I am working with a therapist and attending CoDA (codependents anonymous) meetings. Both help. Don't give up, you're worth the effort. ❤
I find so hard too but I crave it. The hard part for me is mostly bc he doesn't seem so willing for that conversation to happen. He pulls away mostly. Bc he's fearful avoidant. It's madness. It's irritating. Then seems it's all my fault. So this last time I lost it and walk away bc he can't show up for me. So I won't have it. A full day of telling and sharing of a need I have and being ignored and giving excuses so the action from never happens. Lots of I love you. But the actions are not there. Then makes me not to believe that "love" .
Thank you for the work that you do, Jimmy! I'm a 43yo who has, years ago, given up on relationships. Watching your videos is, for me, both validating and disheartening. I'm glad to know others also have needs and expect their partner to be a safe space. And I'm saddened that through my multiple attempts, I have yet to experience a happy, healthy relationship. Your videos have helped me identify some of my own shortcomings, too. All that said, I don't see me putting myself out there again. However, I highly recommend your channel to anyone who comes to me for help with their relationship.
I feel this heavy feeling in my heart because this video made me look back at my recent relationship that I was in where my emotional needs were not being met. I did not feel safe in that relationship because he hid me from his family. He was emotionally stunted, and could not become vulnerable with me or open up. I wish I had left sooner when I saw the signs that he was never going to tell his family about me, but I loved him and saw potential which is why I stayed. I let that go on for a year. I am the happiest I have been now because I am the partner that fulfills my needs. But I hope someone with a good heart and full with unconditional love crosses my path someday.
I hope you are the best partner to yourself, like you said and that you meet the best partner for you in future. Don’t let this experience taint your desire to find the right person in future. You’re very strong, emotionally intelligent and insightful just by reading your comment I can see this. God bless ❤
even a call and be there with me when i had miscarriage …was not reasonable.. calling him while he was enjoying the bar and drinking with friends .My nac ex made me believe that all my needs was not reasonable …but i should respect him by leaving him be the selfish way as he was single
@@xuemma-pb7ysMine acted like he was there for me during my miscarriage, but had other priorities by the time I birthed. Choose a healthier partner to birth with.
My Narcissist husband, whose on dating sites, said I'm too needy and he considers that a red flag. He says he will not treat me like an equal unless I pay half for everything. This video opened my eyes about the needs of: respect, valued, kindness and being dismissed nor withholding truth from. He tried to siphon our money to his kids.
He discarded me with a divorce that’s been going on for a year because he wanted to trigger a Fraudulent Prenup that he would throw me out with nothing. But it didn’t work. We’re fighting in court now. He keeps calling me the Narcissist.
This is the first time I've heard someone talk about Terry Real. I got two of his books few years back in an attempt to understand my husband's issues. Terry's work is so inciteful. But adding the information that you share has given me tools to help get us on a level communication field. We are both conflict avoidant, so it is really hard for us to actually "fight", this leads to so many stuffed-down feelings. He has listened to some of your videos and agreed to make a start, after 41 years of marriage, to try to develop the connection we need. Thanks so much Jimmy.
@@k3coddington is he watching any videos? If so, is it helping? I'm trying to hold out hope with my husband/cov narc. Deep down, I think I know the chances of him ever getting help or even thinking he needs help with any "issues" he (or we) may have, are little to none. 😔
Unmet expectations are a huge source of conflict. And quite often they're unmet because we never said anything to let them know! I've passed along that advice to others, including my daughters. I still have unmet expectations, but in my case I have up years ago trying to sort through conflict because it was always my fault. I've been doing a lot of thinking, writing down thoughts and feelings, taking notes while watching your videos, and I have a friend who understands who is praying for me. I plan to write down what I want to say so she and her husband can proofread it and make sure I'm respectful but clear and not tackling too much at one go. If he's willing to listen to me, then we can have future discussing about specifics.
I asked my partner to please not leave me alone in the path of an approaching hurricane. I'm a 63 y.o. female and can't move or see like I used to and was very afraid. He said, "you'll be fine," and went to stay with other family members. The storm passed. It was terrifying. Other than tripping over debris and bruising some ribs, I was physically spared. Mentally and emotionally, still suffering. Am I too needy? I don't want him in my presence any longer.
No, you are NOT too needy IMO. I wouldn’t leave a partner that has some challenges ( mobility/eyesite) during an upcoming hurricane. If I couldn’t be with them(due to whatever circumstances) I would bring them with me to where I was going (ex: family members home). IMO, that is someone who doesn’t value your need for physical/emotional safety.
Omg, no... you are 1000% okay to feel that way, my heart goes out to you.. that must have been so sad and scary to go through.. I'm sorry he wasn't there for you when you needed him :(
My boyfriend has been failing to meet me for a week, holding over our appointments and cancelling twice without even a short notice or a decent reason. I knew he was struggling with his emotional well-being and overall pressure, so was supportive and didn't hold it against him. Today, I told my therapist I needed a word with her, and during our call, I dissolved into tears due to pent-up anxiety and uncertainy, because sure enough, his behaviour reinforced my concerns of being unimportant and not good enough to spend time with. My reaction stunned me. I didn't even realise it influenced me so. I also managed to pinpoint a trace of concern in me that I was probably overreacting, and that it was okay to cancel, and wasn't a big deal. And I wasn't sure my point of view was something of value up until this video. P. S. Have been watching you for quite a while. Very enlightening and always relevant to the point of hurting)
I'm gobsmacked with the lack of words. I'm only 8 minutes into this, and I know that 💯 our divorce was inevitable. Two decades of knowing and over thirteen years of marriage. I went to therapy, and he refused to get couples counseling. Or seeking any help on their own. Our children are older and out of the nest. The little eggs need me to be strong enough for us all.
its amazing how something will come up with those "little eggs" years down the line that make us stop and take a look back at what we could have done differently to prevent the hurt that they are now going through. My oldest daughter has shown me how much children pay attention to the things that the adults around them are doing. Just this last week she said 6 little words, words that hearing them come out of her mouth broke me to me core. even know i cant hardly type this cause I am about to start crying again. Those words broke me cause that is what I say, have said and still feel to this day. "Why am I not good enough" "Why cant they choose just me" "am I to broken to be loved" Man my heart hurts like hell for her right now.
Helpful ! Each of these could be a video topic. Also maybe add a reminder that giving your partner a chance might include explaining yourself more than once. We sabotage ourselves by assuming that if they didn't make changes quickly that they just don't want to change. Change takes time so instead of that assumption, choose to find another way to explain it. But before you go at it each time, get their opt in by asking them if they'd be willing to revisit that previous request.
Sometimes the past mistakes keep repeating themselves as new fights. Don't feel like you're "holding on to resentment," when what is actually happening is painful invalidating behaviors repeating in similar ways. Different fight/same argument.
6:41 Jimmy, it’s so brave the way you share your passion and frustration in these videos. Both the funny ones and the constructive ones. Thank you for giving us the words.
This video was really great. You touched on a great many nuances of this topic and treated all of them with great care. I especially appreciate that you hold both sides accountable. Questioning whether you have truly been respectful when bringing something up, "'I feel like you don't care about me' isn't a feeling", "It makes sense that the way I phrased this made you defensive" and generally pointing out that you need to be accountable for the things you do. Because let's be real here, these are the problems men seem to face more often when dealing with women. Doesn't mean men aren't causing their own share of problems in relationships. But these are the problems *men* face. And it really makes me feel heard to hear them addressed respectfully, because next to nobody seems to do that these days. These issues either get swept under the rug because the content is actually intended as feel-good emotional reinforcement for women, or it's being brought up in the redpill community as a means to justify resentment against women. Both of which is bad. Thank you for actually doing what you say you would.
That's really interesting, because as a woman, this video speaks to my healthy needs that weren't being met by my ex-husband. Almost all of them. And I hear mainly from women that men are unable or unwilling to validate their emotions as equally valid and respond to them with sensitivity as Jimmy so eloquently explains.
Thank you so, so much for sharing this. I’ve watched many videos about relationship issues and intimacy and this is by far the best one I’ve seen in terms of summing up the issues I faced in my relationship. We just broke up yesterday because of several of the issues you so clearly and concisely talked about here. It honestly felt like you were speaking to my specific situation. A few of my (healthy) needs weren’t being met, and after many, many difficult conversations, and attempts to change things I finally reached a breaking point. I had to accept that my partner simply wasn’t willing to or interested in doing the work needed for continued intimacy and connection. He showed me that through his choices. It took a long time, but I finally had to let go of my (unhealthy) need to make the relationship work even though I was the only one actually trying. It’s disappointing and painful, but I know the choice I made yesterday to finally let go of that need to make it work was the right one. And this video just deeply reaffirmed my certainty about it. Thank you so much. 🙏🏼
This is the third time I have watched this. Jim, this is all great advice. My ex-husband and I went to a counselor. He had the seasons so manipulated that I was always the bad guy. We went for two years and I paid for every season. I am praying that at some point I will find someone who can have all these wonderful qualities.
Great video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love him so much I can’t stop thinking about him, I’ve tried my very best to get him back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of him, but I can’t, I know why I’m saying this here, I really miss him and just can’t stop thinking about him*
Its difficult to let go of someone you love, I was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but I couldn't just let him go. I did all I could to get him back, I had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back*
My husband literally got enraged 2 sentences into listening to this, but he won't say why. He's whispering under his breath, but and getting angry that I'm asking what he's thinking. Over 28 years of marriage, and this is the response regardless of good day, bad day...
This is my story as well. Married 25 years. He’s gets angry so easily when I want to talk or resolve an issue. Hard times right now. I’m hoping the therapy will help.
So, hearing there is such a thing as “unhealthy needs” seems stupid as someone who hasn’t watched the video yet. It is a need, not a want. You can’t un-need a need. I am able to wait and see what actually happens, but if your husbands became angry immediately, that might be why.
@@jessicajohnston5693I get what you're saying, but it's all semantics, really. The idea behind "unhealthy needs" is really the idea of respectful boundaries. And abusive people do not get that there is a "want" side to some needs. They claim they "need" it, period. And that if you aren't meeting that need then you are the problem. For example, he says $ex every day is a need. No matter how he has behaved, or how you feel. That is unhealthy, because it is not respectful of the other person. Yes, physical contact and intimacy is a human "need", but it is not a healthy relationship "need" in the way that person is asserting. There are plenty of things that people say are needs that are really not needs. And not healthy. A drug addict "needs" a fix, a smoker "needs" another cigarette, a philanderer "needs" time away. So, I would personally be wary of anyone who would be so triggered by the thought that what they think of as a "need", might be an unhealthy demand in their relationship.
Stop whining and seeking support online or with other women and find out why. You know what a men really needs? Men truely admire loyalty, softness, intimacy and teamwork (solving problems together). If your man has seen these things disappear over time he might grow resentful and he might experience feeling disrepected by both you and himself for staying with a woman he does not admire. If my partner would come up with this video as a way of pushing her needs upon me, I would not consider that a 'safe' space. Even when the content of this video is great it would feel like I must focus on her needs in that moment. Could it be that you have not been given it your all in the values described above? There might be so many reasons for it but it doesn't matter. For men I would say make sure you focus on providing the value that women seek such as safety, self-respect (includes taking care of yourself) and support. If you want to give this a try, first try to re-discover these values that are within yourself. Be sure the space between you two is safe. If your partner is not able to respond positively and safely to you trying to soften up, create intimacy and being more playful then keep discovering this amazing female energy within yourself and start thinking about an exit plan. Either way you will be improving your own life drastically. Try to relax and enjoy the fact a man is taking care of you in his own way and know that we do not want a partner that provides, is independent, is strong and self-reliant. Especially having a partner that will go to friends or online and vent their frustation to seek for support. That will push any man away even further. No woman is ever going to tell you this so take it as you want but that is the male experience in situations like this.
This is truly helpful thank you! I’ve been the one in my relationship being defensive, and invalidating my boyfriend who’s done so much for me. It’s time I change for the better and show him I want this relationship to be a healthy one. Thanks again so much this makes me feel better knowing more on what I can do. ❤
It was a lot of information all at once so it’s possible that I missed it. But I feel like in my relationship that one of my biggest needs that is not being met is when I finally allow myself to be vulnerable and share my thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. he wants to “fix my problems“ instead of just being a compassionate listener and giving me some sympathy or empathy.sometimes I just need to share how I’m feeling and I don’t need to fix anything.
I have that problem, I'm like him. I'm a fixer because I don't want someone I care about to be hurting. I learned to ask from the start, "do you need me to just listen, fix and solve and come up with solutions, or do you need me to fight for you?" This has been huge for me
While waiting for the right time I know the right man will come in my life someday. Only God knows who will be the man . I am 46 years old. I value true love Joy peace and happiness and honesty live Love Laugh each day everyday. I love your content.
Watching your videos has helped opened my eyes, mind and heart and allowed me to understand my partner in a different light. Ever since my therapist recommended your videos (1 1/2 months) ago, my girlfriend has been asking where I’m getting all my chat gpt answers. The reason why she asked this is because I stopped invalidating her, became more empathic about why she feels a certain way and have taken more accountability for my actions. There’s more but in simple terms, your videos have helped a lot!
This video has been tremendously helpful and informative. It confirmed for me the healthy needs I have that are not being met as well as the unhealthy needs my partner and I have. He has the need to control (which became clear after we got married when he told me that he is my husband now and things will be different) and I have the need for constant reassurance. Sadly, that need intensified after we got married as well because my needs for validation and affection were not being met. For over a year now, I’ve been doing the emotional work to maintain the relationship on my own and he refuses to do any therapy or counseling. On the other hand, my partner is content and the more I don’t share my thoughts and feelings, the happier he seems. The only emotion he seems to accept from me is happiness. But how can I be happy if I’m constantly invalidated, my vulnerabilities are used against me, and I’m expected to obey (yes, his word) him blindly. I’m just venting here. I know what to do but it’s not an easy decision.
You weigh up both sides, if your other needs are being met enough then you grieve the parts that are not being met because you can't have all needs met 100% of the time and you become okay with grieving the 'extras'. That part of the video had me in tears. I'm so stuck on this right now.
This video was so bang on for what we're going through right now and I sent it to them. Truly hoping they take the time to listen, hear what you're saying, and take it seriously. Really wild for me to watch this randomly and have it be so spot on. Ty Jimmy.
Listening to this as I work on recovering from abusive relationship. This helped validate everything I did to try and solve our problems. I kept trying. I worked for almost a year to try and get communication and solve problems. But after being shut down every time, and a huge stressful event, I gave up. A side of their character I never saw before became exposed when I tried to leave. Someone who used to make me feel the safest in the world, who helped me escape an unsafe living situation, became terrifying to me. It’s verging helpful to hear my therapist and sources like these reaffirm I did do all the right things. I did all I could. It’s not my fault. I’m trying to remember that.
I'm so glad to have come across your channel. You've helped me in my understanding of both myself and my partner in immeasurable ways. With the clarity you've helped me obtain through your gently understanding and quite often, humourous depictions of how each side is and can be, I'm hopeful my partner an I will be able to start our healing journey. Keep it up. Thank you so very much.
Thank you Jimmy! I love and respect your work a lot, not only because you gave me so much insight into my behaviour patterns but also because you are such a great example of personal growth and development. Keep it up!! Love from Germany
Very comprehensive video. Your ability to articulate and frame relationship issues with fairness and deep caring ( and great advice!) is truly impressive.
Thanks for helpful advice. As a deeply entrenched avoidant entering midlife, I realized my life approach had pushed away any decent person and I was surrounded by other enablers like myself…I became exhausted with the moral flexibility of those close to me as well as my myself. Dropping the it’s ok for me, but not for others is a must before any of the other concepts can be actualized.
People with need for control don’t perceive it that way. This is a particular unhealthy need that would benefit from an exclusive video in which you can give examples of what control might look like and where is the hidden need for control in it. Thank you. 😉
I absolutely love that quote, i appreciate you sharing that. And the addition of unhealthy needs. Addressing questions I might have before they're asked, thank you so much for your content. This was very helpful for me. I learn so much from this channel and I don't think I'd be healing as well as i am from my relationship traumas without your content. Id also like to add that this kind of advice is useful for all kinds of relationships, friendships and family members as well. I can't thank you enough for what you do. 🙏🙂↕️
This video reminded me that I should go back and seek counseling. When I broke away from that, it seems things have gotten worse and I couldn’t figure out why. Seek help if you need it people! Gonna try to schedule soon
I love my partner telling me he loves me or show it to me in different ways .. but this video really opened my eyes not to become to needy .. last partner was more compatible to me in that way and I was enjoying so much , but we broked up for other reasons . This new partner doesn’t like to call me or text me so much. Very little in comparison to the other . I guess I just need to regulate myself into the new way of my actual partner and appreciate the other nice things he does have . Thank you for all your info .. it’s amazing !
My parents make me sick. I clearly, and maturely TELL reflected my needs tell and they pull away every time. I ask them every time why they act this way. No response. This makes a peaceful grown up life with family members impossible. And the worst is, I’m actually right but they make you feel sick, wrong and worthless. Because they disrespect me. I just want to run away from them. Thank you for your video ❤
I really enjoy watching your videos, I was kicking myself all day about my fights with my boyfriend, and these videos give me powerful insights about how to overcome challenges with men. Thank you. I am forever grateful!! 💜🙏
I got in my first relationship back in october of this year and its been so exciting! I wanted to make sure im well equipped to handle our future together so im glad i found your advice to give me a good headstart in handling conflict if it ever comes up in the future
Hey Jim, As a former teacher, I want to applaud the great content you share! Because you have so much excellent content- it would be helpful for me if you would take one item and select the additional information as support. You are doing that, but because there’s so much content coming so quickly it’s difficult for me to digest. I thought I’d share that because if I am feeling that others may be as well. Thank you so much for your work and again, for sharing all of this important and helpful information!
Love this video! I am shocked when I see how many dating and relationship Coaches here on TH-cam recommend that women "submit" to a man. This sounds so last century and is just the opposite of what´s been recommended here. Thank you so much!
There have certainly been a lot of misconceptions and negative connotation and emphasis on women submitting, but it’s definitely about mutual submission. Loving someone sacrificially is a form of submitting in a way and Ephesians tells men to love their wife as Christ loves the church and gave Himself for her. Not just women submitting to men. It takes a lot of humility to be in a healthy relationship!
There’s definitely been a lot of negative connotation and emphasis on women submitting to men. But the sacrificial love God calls men to love their wives, that’s a form of submission. I think there’s a lot of misconceptions and unfortunately even abuse of these verses and terms. But it takes a lot of humility from both sides to have a healthy and mutually fulfilling relationship.
@@REBEKAHJOHNSON-lh6xh I'm not a native speaker so I'm not completely sure about all connotations of the word submission. But I wouldn't call it submission at all. I'd rather call it surrender. And if in a couple both surrender to each other that's besutiful.
@niki9669 As a native english speaker, and a believer, I think “surrender” is a perfect word to use in this instance. The word “submit” had negative connotations in english because it has been misused so much to say that a person should obey and serve a person in authority without question, even to their own detriment, but that is not the intent of the teachings mentioned above. We are meant to serve and sacrifice for each other equally, meaning I should be able to trust that even if I am vulnerable and giving toward my partner, I will not be taken advantage of, and they will likewise pour back into me with vulnerability and giving, and know I will not take advantage of them.
Thank you so much. I'm in the process of healing from an abusive relationship and I feel this pointers are really useful to build a healthy relationship in the future, or recognize early and unhealthy one and take actions.
Emotional maturity is so important in a relationship. Most of the problems mentioned stem from a lack of it. Anyone who says they wear their heart on their sleeve is letting you know that they lack emotional maturity. Same with anyone who describes themselves as a free spirit. Watch out for those types. Great people but terrible partners...
Omg haha. I love this comment. I agree with you but I am those people you mentioned. And I tell my friends the same thing: avoid people LIKE ME. I know that’s self limiting, but it’s more that I used to be this way and am sweeping up the remnants of that version of me, so that I can be a good partner. I have just always said to watch out for people whose defining qualities are adventurous, spontaneous, fun, adrenaline-junkie, “free spirit”. We are people who are addicted to excitement. I’m in an adult children of alcoholics program, and that’s one of the traits of a “para-alcoholic”, so it’s similar to people with addictive personalities. We look for dopamine hits and rushes. So we tend to get bored easily and move on to the next. Not good at sustaining things or even interested in it. I have these qualities but I want a life partner and a family so I’m working hard to change them. I am extremely emotionally immature, and that’s why I’m staying out of relationships for a while.
@@naturalebeing thanks for this perspective. I have a hobby that allows me to meet a lot of people with these traits. They're super fun to be around, intelligent, passionate, self-aware, outgoing, great friends overall. But a lot of them aren't capable of being healthy romantic partners. They love drama, get bored really quick, tend to stick to unavailable people, avoid responsibility. I've been hurt a couple of times, one was worse than the other, and now I get where it comes from. There's definitely a pattern. I wish you the best in your journey, I hope you'll find your lifetime partner and will be happy with them!
@@naturalebeing Oh my! This comment of yours pointed out traits about my ex that can be correlated and I didn't think of it like this before. He comes from a family of alcoholics (he's not one but doesn't refuse to drink sometimes), and once he told me that he won't take ecstasy again, because he feels like he would get addicted to it really easily and that he likely has a genetic proneness to addiction. Things weren't moving forward as fast as he wanted to, he was drifting away, I could feel it, but it crashed me when he told me he met someone and he wants to be pursue a relationship with her. I asked him where they met and he told me he had downloaded Tinder about a month ago. I found his profile a week later with an introduction that said "Always open for new experiences/places but for a casual drink as well", also "healthy, self-reflective and well read" lmao. Despite knowing that I gave my best I could, I still feel like after almost 4 months that it's me who he couldn't commit to and that I didn't inspire him enough and that he's gonna be better for this other woman and I know this is something I have to work with.
In most cases, I'd agree, but, I feel that I've got a decent (and always trying to gain better) understanding of my own emotional well-being, as well as how I should/shouldn't treat others, as to respect, empathy, kindness, compassion, and reciprocity... and I consider myself somewhat of a free-spirit, and I've always felt I wore my heart on my sleeve... to me, that statement meant that I was more of an open book, as to emotions, and nowhere near emotionally ignorant... no offense meant, but it's different in my opinion... or at least in my case... I feel I have a decently high level of emotional intelligence, but I want to learn more, as much as I can...there's always room to improve, in that aspect, imo...
Been watching you since the beginning and I am sooo happy you kept making videos! So helpful! Ty for your help in my relationship ❤❤❤❤ you’re def one reason we are still together
My typing skills need to get better. I am watching a lot of your videos and taking notes, but even at .5 speed, the amount of information you are providing is amazing. Probably because I have so much to learn yet. But still, thank you for the clarity these videos are providing to me. I hope to use this to save my marriage.
It's like listening about my relationship with my husband. I am the "needy" who attacks because I feel ignored, not appreciated and definitely not safe.
Just got out of a "friendship" (where he had feelings for me the entire time without telling me) and he tried to get me to hang out with him 3x/week and got upset whenever I couldn't meet that. So exhausting. He admitted he would sometimes just stop talking and see how long it would take before I said something first. Then he'd get upset when I didn't. "Put the ball in my court" he said.. he just wanted me to validate his insecurities. As the friendship was blowing up (it was his last chance to start acting normal to me) he confessed and asked me on a date. I told him off for his behavior now that I knew what was behind it and he said sorry. I don't believe him. He wasn't sorry that he did those things, he's sorry it didn't work. What a jerk.
This is one of my favorites...well spoken and explained live these videos! I wish I knew these tools, this understanding n knowledge to save my marriage a decade ago I didn't know how to fight right, or communicate better as I was isolated and controlled and wasn't allowed friends or family to reach out to... This is awesome..thank you for doing these videos
I didn’t feel anything that you described.. I’m no longer with the individual.. I went to a counselor and was told if I had the resources to get the hell out.. and I am happy on my own. Lesson learned. The relationship was unrequited..
Thank you Jimmy! That was hugely helpful! You hit on a number of things my husbsnd and I are struggling with. Your advice and insight are right on the money on so many relational topics! Keep doing what youre doing. Its helping so many people!!
The Gottmans’ studies found that how participants handled the first few minutes of a conflict had *predictive* value for whether they would be together six years later. It is not accurate to say that it “determined” whether they would. It’s not “A causes B;” it’s “When we observe A, we are more likely to observe B, and vice versa.” This may seem like a fine distinction, but it reminds us that it’s never as simple as doing one thing to have a healthy relationship. Those first few minutes are a good indicator of broader relationship dynamics, but it’s not as though they are the one moment that counts. Edit: Still a great video filled with wisdom to live by. Thank you for laying these topics out so well.
Perfect! I love your videos! They always cover the most importaint things in a super graspable way for everyone. And I so love the way you display empathy for the cases you describe in all of the videos. It is such a treat for my social engagement system. Thank you for putting in the effort!🤗
You are so right, 3 years in to marriage our communication was pretty solid respectable but year 4 we have our first child wow communication is messed up. Needs not met everywhere its a mess. Relearning. It hurts to correct yourself!!!
“are enough of my needs being met, that i can grieve the ones that aren’t” love that
Healthy needs:
1. 1:04 Respect
2. 1:36 Communicate effectively
3. 2:28 Value and Appreciation
4. 2:42 Safe
5. 5:15 Forgiveness
6. 6:08 Affection
7. 8:03 Accept each other’s influence
8. 9:23 Equality in domestic chores and parenting
9. 9:48 Attention
10. 10:48 Independence (maybe?)
11. 11:48 Honesty and reliability
Unmet needs 13:10
Unhealthy needs
1. 14:42 Control
2. 15:53 Constant reassurance
3. 16:42 Avoidance (Fierce Independence)
4. 17:11 One-Sided Effort.
5. 18:34 Withholding the truth
6. 19:17 Assuming your partner can read your mind
Thanks
All so so so true- a relationship generally will not ever work out until the recipient who hasnt had their needs met is a shell of who they were
You’re doing the important work 🙌🏼
Thank you 🫡
i'm saving this. thanks
Healthy needs that aren't met lead to resentment. Communication is key 🗝
Disappointment maybe.
But resentment is not healthy. It implies blame and anger... maybe a form of making them a supplier, rather than a whole person.
@@tuvoca825 having healthy needs not met already is unhealthy.
Thank you. That’s good.
Communication became like a clickbate made by HR departments and repeated by YT experts.
Yes, communication is important but it still takes two to tango and many times people simply don't care to put in the required effort. It is for sure not mandatory, as a wiling partner can figure partners needs through trial and error, hints etc.
There are also universal truths about human needs in relationships, so no one living in 2024 who cares about their relationships should be surprised about the major staff.
@@valdius85I agree with this. There is a step beyond communication: reaction to what is communicated.
Actions, words, expressed attitudes; they all have to line up in order to be the “communication” that makes things work.
Anything to add?
It hurts to imagine life without my boyfriend. I never thought it would come to this point where I might have to let go. I know this may not be the right place to share this, but I feel like I’m gradually losing myself, and I don’t know what to do. I’m holding tightly to the beautiful moments we shared, and I sincerely hope he finds happiness.
I completely understand how you feel. I went through something similar when my long term relationship ended. It felt like my heart was shattered, and no matter how much time passed, I couldn’t let go of the memories. I tried everything to get him back talking to friends for advice, even writing letters I never sent. Eventually, I found help through fatherabulu, who came through for me and helped me get my man back.
Wow, this really gives me hope. How can I get in touch with fatherabulu?
It’s super easy! His handle is, Fatherabulu. Just reach out and explain your situation to him. He’s a great listener and offers helpful advice too.
Thank you so much! 🙏 You’re right sharing really does bring solutions. I’m so grateful.
I am going through this with my wife at this very moment. We have been married for 11 years as of last week and it took me forgetting that day for the 11th time in a row for her to finally break down and tell me she's had enough if things don't change. My fears of intimacy led to her feeling just as you do. I would say send him these videos. I didn't even realize that I was hurting her until it was so far gone that she was physically ill.
Geez. I'm the one who says one thing and end up doing another :( Just yesterday I was supposed to wait for her to come back late from work and go meet her at her house once she arrived there... but we barely slept the night before, so when she was on her way home, I told her I was so tired and sleepy that I couldn't keep my eyes open and asked her if she would be mad if I cancelled. She said no, but she was disappointed. This morning I messaged her using tips from a video I watched on this channel the day before (the name is "Fix your Fights in 30 minutes") and I managed to get her into meeting me today. She gets away when she's mad, so I guess she wouldn't talk to me for about 2 days if it wasn't for that video, so thank you, Jimmy. Your work here is treasure
If I may say this - admitting that shows me, a random internet stranger, just how dedicated you are to real change and a healthy relationship. While I could sit here and list the things I am justified in asking for and justifiably disappointed by not getting, I want to follow your lead... you are absolutely not the only person who says one thing and does another. Speaking for myself here, not you, I often get lost in my needs not being met to the detriment of meeting someone else's. When I say I will do something because I have full intention to and then I don't do it, I get defensive. Because I know I'm wrong. However... there's a nice warm freedom in admitting a wrong and being strong enough to be vulnerable enough to change. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense here. I just wanted to say that your willingness to post this and the actions you took to address it to affect change are truly admirable. Thank you for posting this. I wish you two all the best!!
If you are so tired .. you shouldn’t drive. It’s unsafe for you and others.
If she is mad at that , she needs a reality check
@Alixir1228 I mean sure, he should have make sure he was rested but if it was not possible and he was really tired to the point he couldn't keep his eyes open it's probably best to cancel plans just for this time instead of driving bc it could be dangerous, I get why his girlfriend would feel a bit disappointed thought
If she goes without speaking to you for 2 days, bc she’s mad, she isn’t worth investing your time in. Things happen in life, disappointments are inevitable. The way we react to these disappointments is very telling about how we feel about another person. You need to feel loved, especially when you mess up. When we’re disappointed in someone, it’s natural to immediately be selfish, however, when you truly care about someone, you put yourself in their shoes and decide if you’re disappoint hurt, or angry hurt. In your situation, she should have felt disappointed, but not angry enough to even think about not speaking to you.
@@FlyingSquell Love how it only takes one youtube comment for someone to assume they know everything about another person's relationship and that they should break up over it.
"I don't mean perfectly. I mean consistently" This did something in my brain
Around the 4 min mark: I would add that invalidation is also just ignoring the feelings altogether. When you open up about what you're feeling and are met with silence and them just continuing with what they were doing.
Also known as stonewalling
My little grain of salt, evn a hurt forgiven is not forgot. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting about it. It mean moving forward with the pain the other person inflicted to you. When the person hurt you again in the same way again though throwing the mistake back into the argument isn't resentment, it's supporting the point that the second time hurt even more than the first. My ex kept hurting me in the same way over and over again and I forgave her but at some point started reminding her all the previous time she hurt me the same way, that I discussed it with her, she said sorry and she wouldn't do it again but still did it again. She told me I was just holding a grudge and these were only past and why I couldn't forgive her. It made me think ... I did forgive her, I didn't forget.
Well said I wish mine did that
Couldn’t agree more. Repeated acts = broken trust for sure
What about the repeat offender? They are a bad person but I'd like to know why they can't change, why it's so hard for them? I feel like it's difficult for me to change some behaviors as well, maybe it's just incompatibility?
That kind of mindset shouldn’t mean bringing it up as a way to blackmail in future arguments. That’s not true forgiveness either.
@@shyrory There is a difference between bringing something back up as a pressure tactic versus bring it back to show a pattern of behavior that is concerning or hurtful. I agree that holding past behavior as coercion against someone is not a part of a healthy relationship dynamic.
After 24 years with a man that NEVER apologized. Gaslit. And refused to show affection or have intimacy. And would not communicate about anything. Stonewalling. Voicing my needs over and over. I filed for divorce last month. If they wanted to, they would. And if they don’t, then leave. You deserve real love.
Sounds a lot like my ex boyfriend. Glad you got away- best wishes for you going forward ❤
Wow. Is my wife big time.
Same amount of time, I just couldn’t cope with it any longer. We’ve barely spoken for the last year while separated. I’ve been seriously morning our marriage for at least five probably longer.
So sorry for your loss. I wish it could’ve been better.
GL!
My biggest issue in relationships was always the constant reassurance seeking - doing therapy to learn how to self soothe when I have those anxieties and ALSO finding a partner who had some patience with me and that I trusted made a huge difference. He understood that it was an insecurity and I was honest about how it had been a problem for me in the past. With time and vulnerability, trust is really the biggest healing tool for that unhealthy need.
How did you manage to differ healthy needs from unhealthy ones?
I recently developed relationships that function with that level of communication and trust.
We talk about anything that bothers us or what we need openly and kindly. There has been some little bumps in the road, but nothing toxic or offensive, just figuring out how to communicate this way.
Kind people will make these things work, especially if you have a good connection and love each other
It’s hard to imagine someone communicating so clearly and pleasantly. Also, congrats on the 1 million subs, you deserve it, your videos are so beneficial
Thank God I found you… my girlfriend would have broke up with me if I didn’t saw your videos and had some awareness. I’m reading also the books you suggested, they’re great!
How to communicate what you need in the relationship is the hardest part for me. It’s so hard for me to communicate effectively that I just want to give up and walk away from the relationship. I’d rather feel alone on my own than alone while in a relationship.
Don't be afraid to authentically express your feelings you'll be pleasantly surprised that your partner will appreciate your openness and care about your feelings
...or they will use it against you and twist everything around to blame you for everything. One or the other lol @@MyShapeofmyHeart
It's very hard for me, too. I am working with a therapist and attending CoDA (codependents anonymous) meetings. Both help. Don't give up, you're worth the effort. ❤
@@MyShapeofmyHeartthey might if they are emotionally healthy themself. They won't if they aren't
I find so hard too but I crave it. The hard part for me is mostly bc he doesn't seem so willing for that conversation to happen. He pulls away mostly. Bc he's fearful avoidant. It's madness. It's irritating. Then seems it's all my fault. So this last time I lost it and walk away bc he can't show up for me. So I won't have it. A full day of telling and sharing of a need I have and being ignored and giving excuses so the action from never happens. Lots of I love you. But the actions are not there. Then makes me not to believe that "love" .
Thank you for the work that you do, Jimmy!
I'm a 43yo who has, years ago, given up on relationships. Watching your videos is, for me, both validating and disheartening. I'm glad to know others also have needs and expect their partner to be a safe space. And I'm saddened that through my multiple attempts, I have yet to experience a happy, healthy relationship. Your videos have helped me identify some of my own shortcomings, too. All that said, I don't see me putting myself out there again. However, I highly recommend your channel to anyone who comes to me for help with their relationship.
I feel this heavy feeling in my heart because this video made me look back at my recent relationship that I was in where my emotional needs were not being met. I did not feel safe in that relationship because he hid me from his family. He was emotionally stunted, and could not become vulnerable with me or open up. I wish I had left sooner when I saw the signs that he was never going to tell his family about me, but I loved him and saw potential which is why I stayed. I let that go on for a year. I am the happiest I have been now because I am the partner that fulfills my needs. But I hope someone with a good heart and full with unconditional love crosses my path someday.
I hope you are the best partner to yourself, like you said and that you meet the best partner for you in future. Don’t let this experience taint your desire to find the right person in future. You’re very strong, emotionally intelligent and insightful just by reading your comment I can see this. God bless ❤
@@astrid8433Thank you that means a lot.
I love how you say the sentences I need to hear
If you want healthy needs than there is no room for toxic behavior.
Thank you for this! Healthy needs doesnt work with a narcissist. Learned that the hard way.
For sure it doesn't!
even a call and be there with me when i had miscarriage …was not reasonable.. calling him while he was enjoying the bar and drinking with friends .My nac ex made me believe that all my needs was not reasonable …but i should respect him by leaving him be the selfish way as he was single
@@xuemma-pb7ysMine acted like he was there for me during my miscarriage, but had other priorities by the time I birthed.
Choose a healthier partner to birth with.
@@runr100mine had 2 kids already so kept convince me it was not good time for us to have new baby ,but i was 40 yrd…and he did not care
They push their unhealthy need of control as the most important and your healthy needs are 'irrational' and 'too much'.
My Narcissist husband, whose on dating sites, said I'm too needy and he considers that a red flag. He says he will not treat me like an equal unless I pay half for everything. This video opened my eyes about the needs of: respect, valued, kindness and being dismissed nor withholding truth from. He tried to siphon our money to his kids.
I hope you find your worth and get out.
He discarded me with a divorce that’s been going on for a year because he wanted to trigger a Fraudulent Prenup that he would throw me out with nothing. But it didn’t work. We’re fighting in court now. He keeps calling me the Narcissist.
Start a dating app for people who have to watch this video first! I appreciate the work you're doing.
Omg literally that would be awesome
“ How we communicate matters.”
This is the first time I've heard someone talk about Terry Real. I got two of his books few years back in an attempt to understand my husband's issues. Terry's work is so inciteful. But adding the information that you share has given me tools to help get us on a level communication field. We are both conflict avoidant, so it is really hard for us to actually "fight", this leads to so many stuffed-down feelings. He has listened to some of your videos and agreed to make a start, after 41 years of marriage, to try to develop the connection we need. Thanks so much Jimmy.
@@k3coddington is he watching any videos? If so, is it helping? I'm trying to hold out hope with my husband/cov narc. Deep down, I think I know the chances of him ever getting help or even thinking he needs help with any "issues" he (or we) may have, are little to none. 😔
@donttreadonme2 Sometimes, but only if I send him a link. Then he'll say, "That's interesting", and do nothing more. Sigh.
Unmet expectations are a huge source of conflict. And quite often they're unmet because we never said anything to let them know! I've passed along that advice to others, including my daughters.
I still have unmet expectations, but in my case I have up years ago trying to sort through conflict because it was always my fault. I've been doing a lot of thinking, writing down thoughts and feelings, taking notes while watching your videos, and I have a friend who understands who is praying for me. I plan to write down what I want to say so she and her husband can proofread it and make sure I'm respectful but clear and not tackling too much at one go. If he's willing to listen to me, then we can have future discussing about specifics.
I asked my partner to please not leave me alone in the path of an approaching hurricane. I'm a 63 y.o. female and can't move or see like I used to and was very afraid. He said, "you'll be fine," and went to stay with other family members. The storm passed. It was terrifying. Other than tripping over debris and bruising some ribs, I was physically spared. Mentally and emotionally, still suffering. Am I too needy? I don't want him in my presence any longer.
No, you are NOT too needy IMO. I wouldn’t leave a partner that has some challenges ( mobility/eyesite) during an upcoming hurricane. If I couldn’t be with them(due to whatever circumstances) I would bring them with me to where I was going (ex: family members home).
IMO, that is someone who doesn’t value your need for physical/emotional safety.
@@Joy-mm3cz Thank you, Ms. Joy. Unfortunately, it wasn't the first time he's made me feel unsafe, but it is the last time. God help me. Bless you!
Get that man out of your life
You get to choose him again or not choose him again. It's up to you. I sure wouldn't. Screw that. I'd move on.
Omg, no... you are 1000% okay to feel that way, my heart goes out to you.. that must have been so sad and scary to go through.. I'm sorry he wasn't there for you when you needed him :(
I've never bookmarked a video so fast. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
This means so much! :)
My boyfriend has been failing to meet me for a week, holding over our appointments and cancelling twice without even a short notice or a decent reason. I knew he was struggling with his emotional well-being and overall pressure, so was supportive and didn't hold it against him. Today, I told my therapist I needed a word with her, and during our call, I dissolved into tears due to pent-up anxiety and uncertainy, because sure enough, his behaviour reinforced my concerns of being unimportant and not good enough to spend time with. My reaction stunned me. I didn't even realise it influenced me so. I also managed to pinpoint a trace of concern in me that I was probably overreacting, and that it was okay to cancel, and wasn't a big deal. And I wasn't sure my point of view was something of value up until this video. P. S. Have been watching you for quite a while. Very enlightening and always relevant to the point of hurting)
I'm gobsmacked with the lack of words. I'm only 8 minutes into this, and I know that 💯 our divorce was inevitable. Two decades of knowing and over thirteen years of marriage. I went to therapy, and he refused to get couples counseling. Or seeking any help on their own.
Our children are older and out of the nest. The little eggs need me to be strong enough for us all.
Hi Lisa, the same for me, even I don't really know what that's means. It's painful anyway!
its amazing how something will come up with those "little eggs" years down the line that make us stop and take a look back at what we could have done differently to prevent the hurt that they are now going through. My oldest daughter has shown me how much children pay attention to the things that the adults around them are doing. Just this last week she said 6 little words, words that hearing them come out of her mouth broke me to me core. even know i cant hardly type this cause I am about to start crying again. Those words broke me cause that is what I say, have said and still feel to this day. "Why am I not good enough" "Why cant they choose just me" "am I to broken to be loved" Man my heart hurts like hell for her right now.
I am happy that this channel exists. Thank you.
This is very kind of you!
Jimmy, your speech patterns are so gentle and nourishing. I love the way you talk. ❤️
Helpful ! Each of these could be a video topic. Also maybe add a reminder that giving your partner a chance might include explaining yourself more than once. We sabotage ourselves by assuming that if they didn't make changes quickly that they just don't want to change. Change takes time so instead of that assumption, choose to find another way to explain it. But before you go at it each time, get their opt in by asking them if they'd be willing to revisit that previous request.
Doing God's work. We're moving from a time of duty to knowing what love is and what love requires. 💖
Sometimes the past mistakes keep repeating themselves as new fights. Don't feel like you're "holding on to resentment," when what is actually happening is painful invalidating behaviors repeating in similar ways. Different fight/same argument.
Hell yesss! You took the roof off the place for me! I couldn't have said it any better!🎉😊👍👏
6:41 Jimmy, it’s so brave the way you share your passion and frustration in these videos. Both the funny ones and the constructive ones. Thank you for giving us the words.
This video was really great. You touched on a great many nuances of this topic and treated all of them with great care.
I especially appreciate that you hold both sides accountable. Questioning whether you have truly been respectful when bringing something up, "'I feel like you don't care about me' isn't a feeling", "It makes sense that the way I phrased this made you defensive" and generally pointing out that you need to be accountable for the things you do.
Because let's be real here, these are the problems men seem to face more often when dealing with women. Doesn't mean men aren't causing their own share of problems in relationships. But these are the problems *men* face. And it really makes me feel heard to hear them addressed respectfully, because next to nobody seems to do that these days. These issues either get swept under the rug because the content is actually intended as feel-good emotional reinforcement for women, or it's being brought up in the redpill community as a means to justify resentment against women. Both of which is bad.
Thank you for actually doing what you say you would.
That's really interesting, because as a woman, this video speaks to my healthy needs that weren't being met by my ex-husband. Almost all of them. And I hear mainly from women that men are unable or unwilling to validate their emotions as equally valid and respond to them with sensitivity as Jimmy so eloquently explains.
I’m not in a relationship, but watching your videos helped me identify some big red flags in someone I dated recently. Thank you ♥️
Thank you so, so much for sharing this. I’ve watched many videos about relationship issues and intimacy and this is by far the best one I’ve seen in terms of summing up the issues I faced in my relationship. We just broke up yesterday because of several of the issues you so clearly and concisely talked about here. It honestly felt like you were speaking to my specific situation. A few of my (healthy) needs weren’t being met, and after many, many difficult conversations, and attempts to change things I finally reached a breaking point. I had to accept that my partner simply wasn’t willing to or interested in doing the work needed for continued intimacy and connection. He showed me that through his choices. It took a long time, but I finally had to let go of my (unhealthy) need to make the relationship work even though I was the only one actually trying. It’s disappointing and painful, but I know the choice I made yesterday to finally let go of that need to make it work was the right one. And this video just deeply reaffirmed my certainty about it. Thank you so much. 🙏🏼
This is the third time I have watched this. Jim, this is all great advice. My ex-husband and I went to a counselor. He had the seasons so manipulated that I was always the bad guy. We went for two years and I paid for every season. I am praying that at some point I will find someone who can have all these wonderful qualities.
Great video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love him so much I can’t stop thinking about him, I’ve tried my very best to get him back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of him, but I can’t, I know why I’m saying this here, I really miss him and just can’t stop thinking about him*
Its difficult to let go of someone you love, I was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but I couldn't just let him go. I did all I could to get him back, I had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back*
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do I reach one.?
Her name is Maurice Gleti, and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex...
Thank you for this valuable information, I just looked him up online. impressive.
@@BarBara6841-j9mthat lady is a bot trying to push a scam. Please don’t fall for it! Also, best of wishes to you.
I can’t believe this is free… taking advantage of my resources. This advice is GOLD 💛
I don't need to watch this video... I need to watch it over and over again
My husband literally got enraged 2 sentences into listening to this, but he won't say why. He's whispering under his breath, but and getting angry that I'm asking what he's thinking. Over 28 years of marriage, and this is the response regardless of good day, bad day...
Same here. Walked out after 37 years. Even after he denied what I said in front of a counselor.
This is my story as well. Married 25 years. He’s gets angry so easily when I want to talk or resolve an issue. Hard times right now. I’m hoping the therapy will help.
So, hearing there is such a thing as “unhealthy needs” seems stupid as someone who hasn’t watched the video yet. It is a need, not a want. You can’t un-need a need. I am able to wait and see what actually happens, but if your husbands became angry immediately, that might be why.
@@jessicajohnston5693I get what you're saying, but it's all semantics, really.
The idea behind "unhealthy needs" is really the idea of respectful boundaries. And abusive people do not get that there is a "want" side to some needs. They claim they "need" it, period. And that if you aren't meeting that need then you are the problem. For example, he says $ex every day is a need. No matter how he has behaved, or how you feel. That is unhealthy, because it is not respectful of the other person. Yes, physical contact and intimacy is a human "need", but it is not a healthy relationship "need" in the way that person is asserting.
There are plenty of things that people say are needs that are really not needs. And not healthy. A drug addict "needs" a fix, a smoker "needs" another cigarette, a philanderer "needs" time away.
So, I would personally be wary of anyone who would be so triggered by the thought that what they think of as a "need", might be an unhealthy demand in their relationship.
Stop whining and seeking support online or with other women and find out why. You know what a men really needs? Men truely admire loyalty, softness, intimacy and teamwork (solving problems together).
If your man has seen these things disappear over time he might grow resentful and he might experience feeling disrepected by both you and himself for staying with a woman he does not admire.
If my partner would come up with this video as a way of pushing her needs upon me, I would not consider that a 'safe' space. Even when the content of this video is great it would feel like I must focus on her needs in that moment.
Could it be that you have not been given it your all in the values described above? There might be so many reasons for it but it doesn't matter.
For men I would say make sure you focus on providing the value that women seek such as safety, self-respect (includes taking care of yourself) and support.
If you want to give this a try, first try to re-discover these values that are within yourself. Be sure the space between you two is safe.
If your partner is not able to respond positively and safely to you trying to soften up, create intimacy and being more playful then keep discovering this amazing female energy within yourself and start thinking about an exit plan.
Either way you will be improving your own life drastically. Try to relax and enjoy the fact a man is taking care of you in his own way and know that we do not want a partner that provides, is independent, is strong and self-reliant. Especially having a partner that will go to friends or online and vent their frustation to seek for support. That will push any man away even further.
No woman is ever going to tell you this so take it as you want but that is the male experience in situations like this.
This is truly helpful thank you! I’ve been the one in my relationship being defensive, and invalidating my boyfriend who’s done so much for me. It’s time I change for the better and show him I want this relationship to be a healthy one. Thanks again so much this makes me feel better knowing more on what I can do. ❤
So much respect for your channel, thank you for sharing your knowledge. You are helping me understand relationships. That is a blessing, thank you!
It was a lot of information all at once so it’s possible that I missed it. But I feel like in my relationship that one of my biggest needs that is not being met is when I finally allow myself to be vulnerable and share my thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. he wants to “fix my problems“ instead of just being a compassionate listener and giving me some sympathy or empathy.sometimes I just need to share how I’m feeling and I don’t need to fix anything.
I have that problem, I'm like him. I'm a fixer because I don't want someone I care about to be hurting. I learned to ask from the start, "do you need me to just listen, fix and solve and come up with solutions, or do you need me to fight for you?" This has been huge for me
*"or do you need to just vent?"
Ive tried family counseling and 1 on 1 therapy and none of them broke it down the way you just did. Thank you
While waiting for the right time I know the right man will come in my life someday. Only God knows who will be the man . I am 46 years old. I value true love Joy peace and happiness and honesty live Love Laugh each day everyday. I love your content.
Thank you for this video. And yes. Only one person trying will make you unhappy and eventually make you sick.
I really enjoyed watching this! Some healthy needs I added to my list are: mutual care and support, personal growth, self-care
Watching your videos has helped opened my eyes, mind and heart and allowed me to understand my partner in a different light. Ever since my therapist recommended your videos (1 1/2 months) ago, my girlfriend has been asking where I’m getting all my chat gpt answers. The reason why she asked this is because I stopped invalidating her, became more empathic about why she feels a certain way and have taken more accountability for my actions. There’s more but in simple terms, your videos have helped a lot!
This video has been tremendously helpful and informative. It confirmed for me the healthy needs I have that are not being met as well as the unhealthy needs my partner and I have. He has the need to control (which became clear after we got married when he told me that he is my husband now and things will be different) and I have the need for constant reassurance. Sadly, that need intensified after we got married as well because my needs for validation and affection were not being met. For over a year now, I’ve been doing the emotional work to maintain the relationship on my own and he refuses to do any therapy or counseling. On the other hand, my partner is content and the more I don’t share my thoughts and feelings, the happier he seems. The only emotion he seems to accept from me is happiness. But how can I be happy if I’m constantly invalidated, my vulnerabilities are used against me, and I’m expected to obey (yes, his word) him blindly.
I’m just venting here. I know what to do but it’s not an easy decision.
You weigh up both sides, if your other needs are being met enough then you grieve the parts that are not being met because you can't have all needs met 100% of the time and you become okay with grieving the 'extras'. That part of the video had me in tears. I'm so stuck on this right now.
This video was so bang on for what we're going through right now and I sent it to them. Truly hoping they take the time to listen, hear what you're saying, and take it seriously.
Really wild for me to watch this randomly and have it be so spot on.
Ty Jimmy.
Listening to this as I work on recovering from abusive relationship. This helped validate everything I did to try and solve our problems. I kept trying. I worked for almost a year to try and get communication and solve problems. But after being shut down every time, and a huge stressful event, I gave up. A side of their character I never saw before became exposed when I tried to leave. Someone who used to make me feel the safest in the world, who helped me escape an unsafe living situation, became terrifying to me. It’s verging helpful to hear my therapist and sources like these reaffirm I did do all the right things. I did all I could. It’s not my fault. I’m trying to remember that.
He literally talked about both of us. I cried through the whole vid
I'm so glad to have come across your channel. You've helped me in my understanding of both myself and my partner in immeasurable ways. With the clarity you've helped me obtain through your gently understanding and quite often, humourous depictions of how each side is and can be, I'm hopeful my partner an I will be able to start our healing journey. Keep it up.
Thank you so very much.
Thank you Jimmy! I love and respect your work a lot, not only because you gave me so much insight into my behaviour patterns but also because you are such a great example of personal growth and development. Keep it up!! Love from Germany
I never had a relationship but the knowledge you provide is so important and valuable to me. Thanks for the work you do.
Very comprehensive video. Your ability to articulate and frame relationship issues with fairness and deep caring ( and great advice!) is truly impressive.
Thanks for helpful advice. As a deeply entrenched avoidant entering midlife, I realized my life approach had pushed away any decent person and I was surrounded by other enablers like myself…I became exhausted with the moral flexibility of those close to me as well as my myself. Dropping the it’s ok for me, but not for others is a must before any of the other concepts can be actualized.
People with need for control don’t perceive it that way. This is a particular unhealthy need that would benefit from an exclusive video in which you can give examples of what control might look like and where is the hidden need for control in it.
Thank you. 😉
exactly!
Congrats!!!!🎉 ONE MILLION! Tons of diligent work pays off!! Great job!!!👏
I absolutely love that quote, i appreciate you sharing that. And the addition of unhealthy needs. Addressing questions I might have before they're asked, thank you so much for your content. This was very helpful for me. I learn so much from this channel and I don't think I'd be healing as well as i am from my relationship traumas without your content.
Id also like to add that this kind of advice is useful for all kinds of relationships, friendships and family members as well.
I can't thank you enough for what you do. 🙏🙂↕️
Great advice. Thanks so much.
This video reminded me that I should go back and seek counseling. When I broke away from that, it seems things have gotten worse and I couldn’t figure out why. Seek help if you need it people! Gonna try to schedule soon
I love my partner telling me he loves me or show it to me in different ways .. but this video really opened my eyes not to become to needy .. last partner was more compatible to me in that way and I was enjoying so much , but we broked up for other reasons . This new partner doesn’t like to call me or text me so much. Very little in comparison to the other . I guess I just need to regulate myself into the new way of my actual partner and appreciate the other nice things he does have . Thank you for all your info .. it’s amazing !
My parents make me sick. I clearly,
and maturely TELL reflected my needs tell and they pull away every time. I ask them every time why they act this way. No response. This makes a peaceful grown up life with family members impossible. And the worst is, I’m actually right but they make you feel sick, wrong and worthless. Because they disrespect me. I just want to run away from them. Thank you for your video ❤
3:41 . Not even done with the video and I feel this is a great channel to gain more insight from. Subscribed 👍🏽
I really enjoy watching your videos, I was kicking myself all day about my fights with my boyfriend, and these videos give me powerful insights about how to overcome challenges with men. Thank you.
I am forever grateful!! 💜🙏
I got in my first relationship back in october of this year and its been so exciting! I wanted to make sure im well equipped to handle our future together so im glad i found your advice to give me a good headstart in handling conflict if it ever comes up in the future
Hey Jim,
As a former teacher, I want to applaud the great content you share!
Because you have so much excellent content- it would be helpful for me if you would take one item and select the additional information as support.
You are doing that, but because there’s so much content coming so quickly it’s difficult for me to digest.
I thought I’d share that because if I am feeling that others may be as well.
Thank you so much for your work and again, for sharing all of this important and helpful information!
Love this video! I am shocked when I see how many dating and relationship Coaches here on TH-cam recommend that women "submit" to a man. This sounds so last century and is just the opposite of what´s been recommended here. Thank you so much!
There have certainly been a lot of misconceptions and negative connotation and emphasis on women submitting, but it’s definitely about mutual submission. Loving someone sacrificially is a form of submitting in a way and Ephesians tells men to love their wife as Christ loves the church and gave Himself for her. Not just women submitting to men. It takes a lot of humility to be in a healthy relationship!
There’s definitely been a lot of negative connotation and emphasis on women submitting to men. But the sacrificial love God calls men to love their wives, that’s a form of submission. I think there’s a lot of misconceptions and unfortunately even abuse of these verses and terms. But it takes a lot of humility from both sides to have a healthy and mutually fulfilling relationship.
@@REBEKAHJOHNSON-lh6xh I'm not a native speaker so I'm not completely sure about all connotations of the word submission. But I wouldn't call it submission at all. I'd rather call it surrender. And if in a couple both surrender to each other that's besutiful.
@@REBEKAHJOHNSON-lh6xhLOVELY ❤
@niki9669 As a native english speaker, and a believer, I think “surrender” is a perfect word to use in this instance. The word “submit” had negative connotations in english because it has been misused so much to say that a person should obey and serve a person in authority without question, even to their own detriment, but that is not the intent of the teachings mentioned above.
We are meant to serve and sacrifice for each other equally, meaning I should be able to trust that even if I am vulnerable and giving toward my partner, I will not be taken advantage of, and they will likewise pour back into me with vulnerability and giving, and know I will not take advantage of them.
Thank you so much. I'm in the process of healing from an abusive relationship and I feel this pointers are really useful to build a healthy relationship in the future, or recognize early and unhealthy one and take actions.
These communication tips work in friendships and families too. Any relationship…not just romantic
Absolutely. Also can help in the work place too.
You're still doing your intro and I already felt my feelings are validated.
Thank you Jimmy. So much. Understanding English is a gift especially to learn about your videos! It helps a lot!
Emotional maturity is so important in a relationship. Most of the problems mentioned stem from a lack of it.
Anyone who says they wear their heart on their sleeve is letting you know that they lack emotional maturity. Same with anyone who describes themselves as a free spirit. Watch out for those types. Great people but terrible partners...
Omg haha. I love this comment. I agree with you but I am those people you mentioned. And I tell my friends the same thing: avoid people LIKE ME. I know that’s self limiting, but it’s more that I used to be this way and am sweeping up the remnants of that version of me, so that I can be a good partner. I have just always said to watch out for people whose defining qualities are adventurous, spontaneous, fun, adrenaline-junkie, “free spirit”. We are people who are addicted to excitement. I’m in an adult children of alcoholics program, and that’s one of the traits of a “para-alcoholic”, so it’s similar to people with addictive personalities. We look for dopamine hits and rushes. So we tend to get bored easily and move on to the next. Not good at sustaining things or even interested in it. I have these qualities but I want a life partner and a family so I’m working hard to change them. I am extremely emotionally immature, and that’s why I’m staying out of relationships for a while.
@@naturalebeing thanks for this perspective. I have a hobby that allows me to meet a lot of people with these traits. They're super fun to be around, intelligent, passionate, self-aware, outgoing, great friends overall. But a lot of them aren't capable of being healthy romantic partners. They love drama, get bored really quick, tend to stick to unavailable people, avoid responsibility. I've been hurt a couple of times, one was worse than the other, and now I get where it comes from. There's definitely a pattern. I wish you the best in your journey, I hope you'll find your lifetime partner and will be happy with them!
@@naturalebeing Oh my! This comment of yours pointed out traits about my ex that can be correlated and I didn't think of it like this before. He comes from a family of alcoholics (he's not one but doesn't refuse to drink sometimes), and once he told me that he won't take ecstasy again, because he feels like he would get addicted to it really easily and that he likely has a genetic proneness to addiction.
Things weren't moving forward as fast as he wanted to, he was drifting away, I could feel it, but it crashed me when he told me he met someone and he wants to be pursue a relationship with her.
I asked him where they met and he told me he had downloaded Tinder about a month ago. I found his profile a week later with an introduction that said "Always open for new experiences/places but for a casual drink as well", also "healthy, self-reflective and well read" lmao.
Despite knowing that I gave my best I could, I still feel like after almost 4 months that it's me who he couldn't commit to and that I didn't inspire him enough and that he's gonna be better for this other woman and I know this is something I have to work with.
In most cases, I'd agree, but, I feel that I've got a decent (and always trying to gain better) understanding of my own emotional well-being, as well as how I should/shouldn't treat others, as to respect, empathy, kindness, compassion, and reciprocity... and I consider myself somewhat of a free-spirit, and I've always felt I wore my heart on my sleeve... to me, that statement meant that I was more of an open book, as to emotions, and nowhere near emotionally ignorant... no offense meant, but it's different in my opinion... or at least in my case... I feel I have a decently high level of emotional intelligence, but I want to learn more, as much as I can...there's always room to improve, in that aspect, imo...
Been watching you since the beginning and I am sooo happy you kept making videos! So helpful! Ty for your help in my relationship ❤❤❤❤ you’re def one reason we are still together
La tua prospettiva è così rinfrescante. Grazie per aver fatto luce su questo argomento!
Thanks!
Wow this is a great video !!!!! Love that I found this channel 🎉🎉🎉🎉 thank you for all your good honest work!!!! I just left my unhealthy husband 🎉🎉
My typing skills need to get better. I am watching a lot of your videos and taking notes, but even at .5 speed, the amount of information you are providing is amazing. Probably because I have so much to learn yet. But still, thank you for the clarity these videos are providing to me. I hope to use this to save my marriage.
Thank you. Both my fiancé and I watch your videos. You have really helped us learn how to have a healthy relationship
It's like listening about my relationship with my husband. I am the "needy" who attacks because I feel ignored, not appreciated and definitely not safe.
15:53 this 👏🏼 the need for constant reassurance and being tested all the time is extremely exhausting.
Just got out of a "friendship" (where he had feelings for me the entire time without telling me) and he tried to get me to hang out with him 3x/week and got upset whenever I couldn't meet that. So exhausting. He admitted he would sometimes just stop talking and see how long it would take before I said something first. Then he'd get upset when I didn't. "Put the ball in my court" he said.. he just wanted me to validate his insecurities. As the friendship was blowing up (it was his last chance to start acting normal to me) he confessed and asked me on a date. I told him off for his behavior now that I knew what was behind it and he said sorry. I don't believe him. He wasn't sorry that he did those things, he's sorry it didn't work. What a jerk.
Your wife's plants are amazing!!
This video is insane. Your words got me literally verbally saying "oh my god" . Will definitely re-watch this video for note taking.
This is one of my favorites...well spoken and explained live these videos!
I wish I knew these tools, this understanding n knowledge to save my marriage a decade ago
I didn't know how to fight right, or communicate better as I was isolated and controlled and wasn't allowed friends or family to reach out to...
This is awesome..thank you for doing these videos
This honestly made me cry. Its helping me heal by hearing all of this
Wow, this whole video sadly summed up my past marriage and all the faults it had.
So sad, but “I can see clearly now the rain has gone” ⛅️
This might be the best video I've watched in your list.
Thank you
I didn’t feel anything that you described.. I’m no longer with the individual.. I went to a counselor and was told if I had the resources to get the hell out.. and I am happy on my own.
Lesson learned.
The relationship was unrequited..
Nice man, you just gave me a different perspective to think, relationship is something people don't talk about.
Thank you Jimmy! That was hugely helpful! You hit on a number of things my husbsnd and I are struggling with. Your advice and insight are right on the money on so many relational topics! Keep doing what youre doing. Its helping so many people!!
Wow! What a powerful video! This hit to the core completely. Thank you for sharing these very important points
The Gottmans’ studies found that how participants handled the first few minutes of a conflict had *predictive* value for whether they would be together six years later. It is not accurate to say that it “determined” whether they would. It’s not “A causes B;” it’s “When we observe A, we are more likely to observe B, and vice versa.” This may seem like a fine distinction, but it reminds us that it’s never as simple as doing one thing to have a healthy relationship. Those first few minutes are a good indicator of broader relationship dynamics, but it’s not as though they are the one moment that counts.
Edit: Still a great video filled with wisdom to live by. Thank you for laying these topics out so well.
Perfect! I love your videos! They always cover the most importaint things in a super graspable way for everyone. And I so love the way you display empathy for the cases you describe in all of the videos. It is such a treat for my social engagement system. Thank you for putting in the effort!🤗
I wish our marriage counselor was so thoughtful and understanding about how marriages work!
You are so right, 3 years in to marriage our communication was pretty solid respectable but year 4 we have our first child wow communication is messed up. Needs not met everywhere its a mess. Relearning. It hurts to correct yourself!!!
yesssss!!! my prayers have been answered!!! Thank you Jimmy!!!!!