Problem with encouraging avoidants to be self-aware of their patterns and having conversations about attachment theories is that that will make them run away! Having a conversation about the connection is understood by them as ‘being chased’
in my opinion that could make someone feel defective if they were to feel like being criticized, which triggers wounds and causes them to pull away to avoid pain.
@@era1442 depends on how it's addressed, pds offers lots of tips & insight on how to navigate such topics as you're right that it's fairly easy to inadvertently frame things so they're taken as criticism which triggers defective wounds resulting in deactivation 💜
@@faithing88 It's not what I'm saying :P can't speak for every situation or person, but through open communication we can slowly build trust towards our partners, and start talking about our wounds more vulnerably instead of shutting down. It is very hard sometimes for avoidants, because there's a lot of fear around vulnerability, and it leading to shame. Many avoidants have not had secure relationships _(or experiences where opening up was ok)_ or been vulnerable in their relationships. Understandably there might be a lot of triggers... It would help if we all knew about attachment theory.
You are spectacular. You have brought so much awareness to the different attachment styles . And more importantly to how each can have a healthy relationship . I think some DA,FA feel lost and give up on love in a sense . You also keep reiterating a person with a secure attachment style can make their relationship work with FA,DA etc without neglecting their own needs . You are really making a difference in people’s lives with your videos .
Thank you for this thoughtful comment! It’s so encouraging to hear how the content resonates and helps people believe in the possibility of healthy relationships.
This is insightful. I would love to see similar in-depth content on the wounds ‘I am stuck/trapped,’ ‘I am unsafe,’ and ‘I am powerless.’ There is lots of content on the defectiveness and abandonment wounds, here on YT and in the PDS courses, but much less on the sources and reprogramming practices for the other core wounds I cited. Thank you for all of it- very helpful!
I've started to notice a shift in my friends behaviour who shows DA tendency. I've known him for 13 years, and the past few months his been shifting his reactions. For example, of I state I need something from him, such as good morning messages because they help me feel connected in times of space (I'm FA), at first he tries to steer away from my need, I'll mentally pull back after expressing myself and within 24 hours he shifts his actions into what I've expressed, such as randomly sending good morning texts. his been doing this for about 3 months. He won't talk about him meeting my needs but he will do it through his actions. I haven't asked him about it, but I do positively acknowledge his actions which i hope is showing him I'm aware of them..
Is it possible for a future video to go into the FA "paradox" of closeness. As a healing FA, I found adding to both my "feelings" and "fears" lists the oxymoron/paradox of desiring closeness vs fearing closeness.
Yes, I often saw this play out early in my dating years. When I was focused on other things, the women I liked would often sell me out. I figured they were just uninterested and wanted validation, but perhaps they were in fact avoidant. My coach taught me to just walk away and find someone more consistent. Either way, great video!
Hey Thais... do you do any work that talks about the specific biochemical reactions? Adam lane Smith is describing it in a way that reaches people that are averse to any type of emotional talk. He's here on the TH-cam as well.
love his info on vasopressin but find his narrow framing of things (DA = male entrepreneur, AP = female, all = cis, hetero, monogamous, products of a christian g0d) rather alienating pds talks a lot about polyvagal theory on their paid platform which i found incredibly helpful during my trial & wish it was mentioned more on their channel but you might find that a nice complement
@r_and_a not finding anything by just typing in pds, and if I add attachment theory it pops up the entirety of content by thais. 😆😆 can you give me some better key words?
pds = personal development school aka this channel 😉 if search "polyvagal theory" + "thais" you get one video & a couple of shorts, unfortunately but understandably their more in-depth info is kept on their paid site but yt has lots of info on polyvagal theory from others (including attachment theory folks) that may help
@@bobmccarter4135 yeah, when he finally acknowledged FAs he acted like we're either all clueless old cat ladies or the star of fatal attraction 🙄 really frustrated as do appreciate the actual science he discusses like vasopressin but there are so many other factors making it more & more difficult for me to watch
Two and a half years later. Still playing this game of she gets close and pulls away. I get to the point I’m done and she opens up and pulls me back in. At what point do they stop playing these games ?
n=1 but 4 yrs and I gave up and walked away, i don't have the energy to do this any longer, why am i then watching / commenting, idk. the take ownership bit is the key, I will tell myself
29 December 2024 would be 5 years together and I brought up this issue and he ran away it's been 3 weeks now 😂😂 I'm deciding I'm at fault by allowing this silly game, he will never get it and I need to accept that and do myself a favour and leave 😊
They only stop once they're self aware enough and make an effort to do things in spite of their deep rooted fears. Which depending on the person might not happen sadly.
it's not about "playing this game" for FAs & DAs anymore than APs coping mechanisms are & the answer for "how long" *all* insecurely attached styles are reactive is until they become more securely attached if someone truly is "playing this game" then it's almost certainly for issues beyond just insecure attachment. either way working on your own personal development is often the best answer
Good luck, anything & everything was considered high conflict behaviour with my ex. Even getting annoyed at her dog, or not paying for the food I was eating at her house.😂
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant was only there for 2 nights too.😂Whats even funnier is I never said I wouldn't do it as it seemed so important to her & I was indeed contributing my fair share. Such a crazy experience the whole relationship & the things I had to deal with.
I did not get a thing from this. I guess I need to listen again. Edit: Ok, the second listen made sense. I’m just trying to figure out how to be friends with a DA. Seems impossible, like they just want to be left alone. Oh, well. Ball is in their court. I’ve been working on myself and have become accustomed to not having them in my life, before I recently heard from them. If they reach out again, fine. If they don’t, also fine.
So basically approach them like little children while walking on eggshells. The way these channels suggest how to speak to avoidants just appear disingenuous. They're emotionally stymied not stupid.
Problem with encouraging avoidants to be self-aware of their patterns and having conversations about attachment theories is that that will make them run away! Having a conversation about the connection is understood by them as ‘being chased’
in my opinion that could make someone feel defective if they were to feel like being criticized, which triggers wounds and causes them to pull away to avoid pain.
Exactly! He tenses up and shit down anytime I bring this up and I sense he is not even listening 😂😂
@era1442 so basically you saying there's no winning here 😝😝
@@era1442 depends on how it's addressed, pds offers lots of tips & insight on how to navigate such topics as you're right that it's fairly easy to inadvertently frame things so they're taken as criticism which triggers defective wounds resulting in deactivation 💜
@@faithing88 It's not what I'm saying :P can't speak for every situation or person, but through open communication we can slowly build trust towards our partners, and start talking about our wounds more vulnerably instead of shutting down.
It is very hard sometimes for avoidants, because there's a lot of fear around vulnerability, and it leading to shame. Many avoidants have not had secure relationships _(or experiences where opening up was ok)_ or been vulnerable in their relationships. Understandably there might be a lot of triggers...
It would help if we all knew about attachment theory.
You are spectacular. You have brought so much awareness to the different attachment styles . And more importantly to how each can have a healthy relationship . I think some DA,FA feel lost and give up on love in a sense . You also keep reiterating a person with a secure attachment style can make their relationship work with FA,DA etc without neglecting their own needs . You are really making a difference in people’s lives with your videos .
Thank you for this thoughtful comment! It’s so encouraging to hear how the content resonates and helps people believe in the possibility of healthy relationships.
You always drop a new video when I need it most. Thank you for your wise words & strong advice!
So glad the video came at a moment when you needed it most!💜
This is insightful. I would love to see similar in-depth content on the wounds ‘I am stuck/trapped,’ ‘I am unsafe,’ and ‘I am powerless.’ There is lots of content on the defectiveness and abandonment wounds, here on YT and in the PDS courses, but much less on the sources and reprogramming practices for the other core wounds I cited. Thank you for all of it- very helpful!
Irene lyons nervous system would could be helpful
I've started to notice a shift in my friends behaviour who shows DA tendency. I've known him for 13 years, and the past few months his been shifting his reactions. For example, of I state I need something from him, such as good morning messages because they help me feel connected in times of space (I'm FA), at first he tries to steer away from my need, I'll mentally pull back after expressing myself and within 24 hours he shifts his actions into what I've expressed, such as randomly sending good morning texts. his been doing this for about 3 months. He won't talk about him meeting my needs but he will do it through his actions. I haven't asked him about it, but I do positively acknowledge his actions which i hope is showing him I'm aware of them..
Respect boundaries
Powerful, and wellbeing, especially at this of the year. Thank you so much.
I’m so glad the video resonated with you-wishing you happiness and peace💜
Another awesome video!! Thank you ❤
Thank you for the support! So glad you found the video helpful.
that was great, Thais. Thanks.
Is it possible for a future video to go into the FA "paradox" of closeness. As a healing FA, I found adding to both my "feelings" and "fears" lists the oxymoron/paradox of desiring closeness vs fearing closeness.
Yes, I often saw this play out early in my dating years. When I was focused on other things, the women I liked would often sell me out. I figured they were just uninterested and wanted validation, but perhaps they were in fact avoidant. My coach taught me to just walk away and find someone more consistent. Either way, great video!
Hey Thais... do you do any work that talks about the specific biochemical reactions? Adam lane Smith is describing it in a way that reaches people that are averse to any type of emotional talk. He's here on the TH-cam as well.
love his info on vasopressin but find his narrow framing of things (DA = male entrepreneur, AP = female, all = cis, hetero, monogamous, products of a christian g0d) rather alienating
pds talks a lot about polyvagal theory on their paid platform which i found incredibly helpful during my trial & wish it was mentioned more on their channel but you might find that a nice complement
@r_and_a not finding anything by just typing in pds, and if I add attachment theory it pops up the entirety of content by thais. 😆😆 can you give me some better key words?
pds = personal development school aka this channel 😉 if search "polyvagal theory" + "thais" you get one video & a couple of shorts, unfortunately but understandably their more in-depth info is kept on their paid site but yt has lots of info on polyvagal theory from others (including attachment theory folks) that may help
@@r_and_ayes, his focus on it always being a DA man and anxious woman leaves me feeling somewhat triggered, being an anxious man
@@bobmccarter4135 yeah, when he finally acknowledged FAs he acted like we're either all clueless old cat ladies or the star of fatal attraction 🙄 really frustrated as do appreciate the actual science he discusses like vasopressin but there are so many other factors making it more & more difficult for me to watch
Good luck with that those people need to work on themselves
Two and a half years later. Still playing this game of she gets close and pulls away. I get to the point I’m done and she opens up and pulls me back in.
At what point do they stop playing these games ?
n=1 but 4 yrs and I gave up and walked away, i don't have the energy to do this any longer, why am i then watching / commenting, idk. the take ownership bit is the key, I will tell myself
29 December 2024 would be 5 years together and I brought up this issue and he ran away it's been 3 weeks now 😂😂
I'm deciding I'm at fault by allowing this silly game, he will never get it and I need to accept that and do myself a favour and leave 😊
They only stop once they're self aware enough and make an effort to do things in spite of their deep rooted fears. Which depending on the person might not happen sadly.
it's not about "playing this game" for FAs & DAs anymore than APs coping mechanisms are & the answer for "how long" *all* insecurely attached styles are reactive is until they become more securely attached
if someone truly is "playing this game" then it's almost certainly for issues beyond just insecure attachment. either way working on your own personal development is often the best answer
Never, I'm done
What if every suggestion is considered a criticism?
Then they're not ready to heal or they don't feel that your suggestion is necessary because they're fine with how they are.
Good luck, anything & everything was considered high conflict behaviour with my ex. Even getting annoyed at her dog, or not paying for the food I was eating at her house.😂
@1300SL oh man...not the food. 😂❤️
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant was only there for 2 nights too.😂Whats even funnier is I never said I wouldn't do it as it seemed so important to her & I was indeed contributing my fair share. Such a crazy experience the whole relationship & the things I had to deal with.
That’s such a tough dynamic to navigate. It may help to frame suggestions as collaborative ideas instead of directives, though it’s not always easy.
I love my woman so much🪻
I did not get a thing from this. I guess I need to listen again. Edit: Ok, the second listen made sense. I’m just trying to figure out how to be friends with a DA. Seems impossible, like they just want to be left alone. Oh, well. Ball is in their court. I’ve been working on myself and have become accustomed to not having them in my life, before I recently heard from them. If they reach out again, fine. If they don’t, also fine.
Friendship is a two way street
It’s great that you’re working on yourself and staying open to whatever happens. Trusting the process is such a healthy perspective!
So basically approach them like little children while walking on eggshells. The way these channels suggest how to speak to avoidants just appear disingenuous. They're emotionally stymied not stupid.
It’s definitely a fine line. Communicating effectively with avoidants requires authenticity and patience-it’s about balance, not overcompensating.
they don't, they are just fine with it🤣
Hey avoiders if you’re my age and you’re still avoiding don’t come back!! Babye!! I’m officially too old for this ish!!! Good luck Thais
yet still immature enough to leave such a comment 🤦 am sure avoidants won't miss you either
@ lol kid if I was immature then I guess it was contagious isn’t it 😂glad I won’t be missed…