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It just feels like I gotta do all the heavy lifting in the relationship. It's a LOT of work. After 5.5 years, I tapped out! I love her so much, but it just doesn't feel mutual. It feels like she just doesn't want the relationship. We all have our own individual growth to work on, but an avoidant seem to avoid the work too 😮💨
And people wonder why Red Pill has exploded...! Essentially stop caring about people and focus on yourself. It kills me to see this happening in our societies today.
When my DA friend started to slow fade in our friendship that was the exact resolve I had: to do the heavylifting because they were "busy with their studies". What a fool I was. But I wasn't aware of attachment styles etc. yet. So, I can also give myself grace.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Relationships can be incredibly challenging when the effort feels one-sided. It's important to prioritize your emotional well-being and what feels healthy for you.
I’ve been there and tried all the above. It feels like walking on eggshells with them and that can turn a secure person to an anxious one. I’ve been healing since then
The problem is that the DAs give you the impression everything is fine, and don't communicate to you that they are a DA and blindside you with a discard. Years later you might finally get the information you need to understand what happened, but by then it is too late. It can't all be the responsibility of the DA's partner to have the education and patience. DAs need to get in gear and step up to the plate like a human beings. We all need to step up to the plate, even the DA.
Ok. But what if you're years into the relationship and you've told them a million times but they still don't communicate or do the things you've said help you feel better (not demands but reasonable requests). It is extremely draining and hurtful to ALWAYS have to tell them the same things after it being very clear and reasonable.
@@rachelmel why are you with them then? There's comes a point where you might need to call it a day if you're not happy. Staying anyway and then blaming them for not changing sounds pretty pointless.
I think maybe if an avoidant is really into you they will want to work on themselves. So it still feels like to me, they are just not that into you. 🤷♀️
Me as a fearfull avoidant pulls away when it doesn' t feel save. Now I ' m in therapy and working on it. I' m a fearfull avoidant due to a traumatic childhood. All insecure attachement styles should work on themselves.
I think me as a DA need more tools to regulate. Now I write things down when I’m conflicted. When I feel like I’m pulling away I say it in the beginning . And put more effort in building intimacy.
Wish my boyfriend was trying something. After 9 years of up and down and loves me loves me not, I ghosted, took years to get over him, he's still trying to get family members to help him get in touch with me. Never again.
Just say what's on your mind in a calm, casual manner before you're all up in your feels over it. Be straight forward, concise and honest and leave out all the feelings and fluff. You're not working yourself up for a conversation with some celebrity. Lol It's just another person. There's no eggshells needed. Bring your confidence to the relationship and say what's on your mind. Just be nice.
Thanks for this advice and I’ll see where it goes. I’m not sure if my estranged wife is DA, bpd, narcissistic etc but I’m going to try and be positive. The only thing about this is that she gaslights, manipulates, and lies so much that I get triggered into “negative” reactions. It’s like they have no values beyond what serves them and only them.
Everything was considered conflict of some description with my ex. Having a opinion on something was considered criticism, being disappointed about a outcome she took as blame & negativity. Being annoyed at something not even to do with her was considered high conflict behaviour. The final straw was when I actually got defensive in our first actual argument over the phone but tried to resolve & didnt make a difference. Lets not get started with what I was having to put up with though, everything on her end was faultless apparently. People are shocked when I tell them some of the things that I endured. Such a exhausting 16 month relationship!
Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you went through a lot. Relationships should feel supportive, and it's okay to step away if it no longer feels healthy.
@@rachelmel your comment really hit home as I have been wondering if this is what I had been dealing with the whole time. Some of her behaviour during the final break up & one 5 months prior was very hurtful. Alot of projection, fault finding, blame, no accountability etc. She also had PTSD, combined with extreme avoidant behaviour. Reckons her ex husband was a narcissist who she spent 20 years with. Our relationship lasted not even 1.5 years & has treated me worse than her ex. post break up. I actually seen her at a local shopping mall yesterday after 2 months NC. She obviously had seen me first & ran off with her daughter. The behaviour is so hurtful & confusing.
This resonates, framing my feelings with I statements, being vulnerable about my inner most environment still was met with defensiveness. If he didn’t agree as to why I was experiencing certain emotions, he turned it back on me and told me I was projecting and wronged me for feeling the way I did. This will always be a head twist for me. Someone’s lack of empathy in painful moments is crushing.
The thing about all of these suggestions for how to be in relationship with an avoidant is that you can do them and it may help to find resolution in conflict situations, but it's still not going to cause them to actually do the work to heal - now they'll just feel a little more "seen" in their avoidance. In other words, you'll still have plenty of unnecessary conflict as you constantly trigger hidden core wounds that the avoidant never wants to talk about, but at least now you'll be able to placate the avoidant a little better... Is that really any better?
If you show up secure they can sometimes follow your lead. That is unless the relationship is already damaged from both partners not communicating in an effective way. If a partner is consistently showing up stable and secure and the DA/FA is invested enough, they can heal in the process by the repetition of secure behaviors with one another. Unfortunately a lot of the time their partner is not showing up with healthy communication either.
@@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope You're making valid points, but I can't help but notice all the conditionals: IF their partner is showing up secure and IF the DA is invested enough and IF enough damage hasn't already been done and IF the DA's partner is communicating in a healthy way... THEN the avoidant will respond in a healthy way? What would be refreshing is IF an avoidant took accountability for their own actions and REGARDLESS of how their partner shows up, making the effort to conduct themselves like a healthy adult in spite of it all... You know, like these videos encourage the PARTNER of the DA to do?
Oh and a bit of further context, I'm a secure married to an FA who (most of the time) leans avoidant, precisely because I actually care to invest in and save the relationship and that's threatening to her DA side. I love my wife very much - the only thing I'm saying is that it's bloody exhausting always having to be the one showing up healthy, and communicating effectively and being vigilant to avoid core wounds which are scattered about like land-mines. The truth is, you can do all of these things right and your DA is STILL going to DA most of the time unless something extreme changes.
Reconnecting with someone depends on your emotional readiness and the context of the relationship. Sometimes, setting boundaries and focusing on personal healing is the best step forward.
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool You seem to be saying the only the victim needs to change and heal. From personal experience, setting a boundary with an FA will get you disrespected for being controlling, because they view being in a respectful relationship as stealing their freedom to do what they want, when they want. The boundary will go in their little black book, and they'll break it when they are ready to sabotage the relationship, using your boundary as the means for you to end the relationship because they don't have to feel bad or guilty about it. So tell me again, who needs to do the personal healing out of the FA, or their victim?
If you were a DA you would be selfishly and obliviously traumatizing every partner who ever wanted the best for you, with almost zero hope of waking up and healing. Trust me, they're not better off. You're the winner and the wiser in this situation.
@@AprilSunshine being selfish and traumatic is not a DA thing. That's a character issue. My DA is nothing like this nor are my avoidant friends. They'll give the shirt off their back for their loved ones.
I am FA leaning anxious , my bf is DA. We recently reconnected- he moves with a snail pace towards me- 1 step forward, 10 steps backwards. It feels draining at times 😢
How can you gently motivate and support a friend in addressing their avoidant behaviors, ensuring they feel understood and respected? I want to support and encourage him to find help, but I also aim to be sensitive and not hurt his feelings.
No thanks I don’t need this attention seeking, affection withholding person in my life. She disgusts me. Shes happy no matter what bc the world revolves around her. She will never completely change, only for a moment or two and it’s fake. Shes a narcissist at heart that projected narcissism on to me. I just needed some reassurance, any. Im a confident persons. She systematically broke me and left me high and dry
Sorry for the pain you have suffered. You described it well by systematically broke me. My husband has been doing that now for over a year. I'm going to borrow that term. Thanks. And I hope you find the right one.
The best thing to do is address the issue in a calm, adult manner. As someone who leans avoidant myself, any time my partners came at me in an emotionally charged manner, I simply told them I would not discuss things further until they talked to me like an adult. It's all you can do. On a side note, I'm looking forward to reading your book!
This is the part that most people are glossing over. It’s wild. When it’s other attachments pitfalls, most people seem to not want to acknowledge that part of it. A DAs shortcomings is the end of the world though. It’s truly both sides not this one specific style that’s “exhausting”
Having emotions is OK and showing them in a reasonable way is healthy. But avoidants can't cope with that and should do the work to become more secure too.
@@no.5810 he's not talking about people who show emotions in a reasonable way. He said emotionally charged and no, that's not normal. People need to collect themselves and speak in a calm and clear demeanor or else it comes off as childish and unstable.
Perfect timing for this video... as it's the textbook DA's "time of year" for their ridiculousness and major holiday breakdown/deactivation. Here we go again. 🙄😔
Here's a question.... what does one do when their DA partner rejects the counsel of the licensed therapist that we chose to objectively help us navigate our relationship? That's where I'm at. Further, please note that this is the third counseler/therapist that she has rejected after she doesn't like what they have to say to her.
@@Coping_in_Copeland_Copeeveryone wants peaceful relationships, but we humans , living in reality not fantasies, we tend to lose our emotions sometimes, but the avoidant will leave in 1 wrong you did and forgetting you have been 99 good
@@barnabaskalu dating an avoidant isn't for everyone. They're likely not going to change for you. That one wrong thing can be pretty terrible and depending on what it is, it can definitely erase the 99 good things.
@@dkdoodle we're not cut off from our emotions. We go deep into them. Partners of avoidants just don't know how to give us a second of space for us to process it and work it out without getting emotional. Everyone wants us to jump to their needs and their timeline and avoidants aren't going to do that. I'm not sure why it's expected if you know this. There's a peaceful way to handle conflict. My DA and I just talk to each other. Lol Not that crazy.
It's almost been a year since me and my Da broke up and she said I honestly already moved on. Is there anything I can do to re connect and communicate?. I'm currently 10 months of no contact. I miss her but I know she needs the time and work.
Nice counsels but for me are not applicable…. He says me everything indirectly, hacking my phone and sending me lovebombing and denying everything when I confront him….
I'm baack!!! Had a terrible month of sickness that culminated in a week-long hospital stay. CPTSD really sucks. But I'm finally past it. Now to return to the important business of defending the honor of DAs far and wide!
The tiny numbers of avoidants that "come back," after an fight, is so statistcally instignificat, you are setting people to have a ridiculous expectations, and even more ridiculous expectation they are capable of a "comeback, with an act of service" in the majority of fights
I really enjoy your channel Thais. But donating for pints of blood to uour local hospital is less draining than helping an avoidant. The four pints of blood supports four people who will be grateful. Sorry but that's my real life experience.
That’s a powerful analogy. Supporting someone can feel overwhelming at times, especially if it’s not reciprocated. Taking care of your own emotional health is always important.
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool It was a very harsh analogy, coming from well intentioned effort, frustration for a good person and my pain. I am working really hard to address my experience and emotional boundaries. Even a HSP empath has his limits. I wish I hadn't posted my earlier comment. Please remove jf you can Thais. Great channel crap comment, sorry.
I’m really tired of seeing people complain about avoidants being a lot of work. If you don’t want to do the work of meeting someone where they are at, then don’t. If an avoidant doesn’t work for you, then reject them and move on. Don’t reject them for who they are and then tell the internet how victimized you are that someone had different emotional needs than what came easy for you to give. Thais isn’t telling you to have no boundaries. She is saying: if you want to accept the avoidant for who they are and respond to them effectively, then here is how. If you just want to tell them that their nervous system should be different to suit you, then keep alienating them and be pleased with your choice.
I think the people who you're tired of hearing complain are those who are trying to "put in the work" with their avoidant partner and are tired of the unexpected setbacks when things seem to revert to a previous stage that they assumed they had resolved. The goal isn't to just accept someone's DA tendencies, it's unhealthy for everyone. The goal is to accept that the tendencies are part of the journey towards becoming securely attached....AND it's extremely frustrating and even debilitating at times when someone is on the receiving end of a DAs regressive behavior, when they seemed to be evolving from their initially stunted emotional state.
eh, sometimes it's good to vent in a space where others can relate yes, a lot of people are problematic and don't vent healthily or know how to express in a way that isn't indicative of their own problems, but, take some of your own advice if you don't want to read comments of people complaining about avoidants, then stop reading them
BS, it doesn't matter Thais if it's harmonious or direct conflict. Dismissive Avoidants just see anything toward them as criticism. We would laugh all the time, and had harmonious conflict as that for the 6 years we were married we never argued. Still didn't stop her from stonewalling, discarding, lying and cheating as she monkey branched to an ex. I think your coaches are more concerned about financial gain and fantastical rhetoric than actual reality.
Lying, cheating and monkey branching are not DA traits. Those are someone who has low morals and a bad character. I had an AP/SA friend like this. Cheated on her fiance, had the new guy move in and kicked the fiance out then got pregnant with twins. She's no longer my friend fyi. Another AP friend is dating a self proclaimed AP and they already broke up once for him cheating. Acting as if avoidants are the main culprit in cheating is simply untrue. Every single attachment coach on TH-cam is getting financial gain, including the ones you agree with.
@The_Whimsical_Avoidant If you would like. You can look at Thais video on "Why Avoidants cheat and sabotage intimacy." Thais speaks directly to why Avoidants cheat. The link to Avoidants cheating is deeply linked to their need for validation due to their broken sense of self-worth. If you don't believe DA's do these things, then I'd suggest listening to other coaches who also confirm this trait amongst Avoidants.
Whimsical Avoidant Look up Thais's video on "Why Avoidants cheat and Sabotage intimacy." You will see the traits mentioned above are common to Avoidants. Other coaches also confirm that a high percentage of Avoidants cheat. Cheating for Avoidants is linked to their need for validation, given they have very low self-worth.
@Apbt-rv7zw lol no it's not. Anxious attachers are the ones who have a big need for validation. Thais is not saying that cheating is an avoidant trait either. She's saying that if they do cheat, this is why. That absolutely does not mean that this is the norm for avoidants. You all just like tying anyone with bad morals to being an avoidant. A shitty person is a shitty person, but go with whatever helps you sleep at night I guess..
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It just feels like I gotta do all the heavy lifting in the relationship. It's a LOT of work. After 5.5 years, I tapped out! I love her so much, but it just doesn't feel mutual. It feels like she just doesn't want the relationship. We all have our own individual growth to work on, but an avoidant seem to avoid the work too 😮💨
You ain’t lyin
And people wonder why Red Pill has exploded...! Essentially stop caring about people and focus on yourself. It kills me to see this happening in our societies today.
"Avoidants - avoid inner work and self reflection". Good summary.
When my DA friend started to slow fade in our friendship that was the exact resolve I had: to do the heavylifting because they were "busy with their studies". What a fool I was. But I wasn't aware of attachment styles etc. yet. So, I can also give myself grace.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Relationships can be incredibly challenging when the effort feels one-sided. It's important to prioritize your emotional well-being and what feels healthy for you.
Even having a differing opinion can feel like a conflict for an avoidant
Yep! They can drive you crazy.
I’ve been there and tried all the above. It feels like walking on eggshells with them and that can turn a secure person to an anxious one. I’ve been healing since then
I'm with you on this.... it's exactly where I'm at.
The problem is that the DAs give you the impression everything is fine, and don't communicate to you that they are a DA and blindside you with a discard. Years later you might finally get the information you need to understand what happened, but by then it is too late. It can't all be the responsibility of the DA's partner to have the education and patience. DAs need to get in gear and step up to the plate like a human beings. We all need to step up to the plate, even the DA.
Why would you possibly think a DA would know they are a DA? You didn't know about attachment styles back then but they're supposed to?
@@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope Think they mean the person does not show they are avoidant.......
@@tarkov_6 they're just being themselves because they are likely unaware just like most insecure attachments.
Ok. But what if you're years into the relationship and you've told them a million times but they still don't communicate or do the things you've said help you feel better (not demands but reasonable requests). It is extremely draining and hurtful to ALWAYS have to tell them the same things after it being very clear and reasonable.
@@rachelmel why are you with them then? There's comes a point where you might need to call it a day if you're not happy. Staying anyway and then blaming them for not changing sounds pretty pointless.
I think maybe if an avoidant is really into you they will want to work on themselves. So it still feels like to me, they are just not that into you. 🤷♀️
I agree. It's sometimes the dynamic of the two partners involved, but I will work on myself for the right one.
This is very true.
They might not be into us, but they've caused unecessary damage is what people are saying.
Me as a fearfull avoidant pulls away when it doesn' t feel save. Now I ' m in therapy and working on it. I' m a fearfull avoidant due to a traumatic childhood. All insecure attachement styles should work on themselves.
I think me as a DA need more tools to regulate. Now I write things down when I’m conflicted. When I feel like I’m pulling away I say it in the beginning . And put more effort in building intimacy.
This is really so nice certainly for the AP and the FA.
Wish my boyfriend was trying something. After 9 years of up and down and loves me loves me not, I ghosted, took years to get over him, he's still trying to get family members to help him get in touch with me. Never again.
It’s inspiring to see you working on self-awareness and emotional regulation. Those steps can create meaningful change in relationships over time.
Reconnect with someone who acts like you don't exist and stone walls you? Pass
Respecting your own boundaries and emotional well-being is always the right choice. Healing and moving forward can bring clarity.
Just say what's on your mind in a calm, casual manner before you're all up in your feels over it. Be straight forward, concise and honest and leave out all the feelings and fluff. You're not working yourself up for a conversation with some celebrity. Lol It's just another person. There's no eggshells needed. Bring your confidence to the relationship and say what's on your mind. Just be nice.
Dead on
Yeah sadly it is not that simple
@@kellydevreese3944 it is though. If you're not a secure person and lean anxious or fearful then this is a challenge.
Pot kettle
@@dkdoodle lol just don't date us please.
Thanks for this advice and I’ll see where it goes. I’m not sure if my estranged wife is DA, bpd, narcissistic etc but I’m going to try and be positive. The only thing about this is that she gaslights, manipulates, and lies so much that I get triggered into “negative” reactions. It’s like they have no values beyond what serves them and only them.
Everything was considered conflict of some description with my ex. Having a opinion on something was considered criticism, being disappointed about a outcome she took as blame & negativity. Being annoyed at something not even to do with her was considered high conflict behaviour. The final straw was when I actually got defensive in our first actual argument over the phone but tried to resolve & didnt make a difference. Lets not get started with what I was having to put up with though, everything on her end was faultless apparently. People are shocked when I tell them some of the things that I endured. Such a exhausting 16 month relationship!
That's more than just a DA. Some sort of personality disorder like BPD or narcissistic PD...
Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you went through a lot. Relationships should feel supportive, and it's okay to step away if it no longer feels healthy.
@@rachelmel your comment really hit home as I have been wondering if this is what I had been dealing with the whole time. Some of her behaviour during the final break up & one 5 months prior was very hurtful. Alot of projection, fault finding, blame, no accountability etc.
She also had PTSD, combined with extreme avoidant behaviour. Reckons her ex husband was a narcissist who she spent 20 years with. Our relationship lasted not even 1.5 years & has treated me worse than her ex. post break up.
I actually seen her at a local shopping mall yesterday after 2 months NC. She obviously had seen me first & ran off with her daughter. The behaviour is so hurtful & confusing.
This resonates, framing my feelings with I statements, being vulnerable about my inner most environment still was met with defensiveness. If he didn’t agree as to why I was experiencing certain emotions, he turned it back on me and told me I was projecting and wronged me for feeling the way I did. This will always be a head twist for me. Someone’s lack of empathy in painful moments is crushing.
The thing about all of these suggestions for how to be in relationship with an avoidant is that you can do them and it may help to find resolution in conflict situations, but it's still not going to cause them to actually do the work to heal - now they'll just feel a little more "seen" in their avoidance.
In other words, you'll still have plenty of unnecessary conflict as you constantly trigger hidden core wounds that the avoidant never wants to talk about, but at least now you'll be able to placate the avoidant a little better...
Is that really any better?
If you show up secure they can sometimes follow your lead. That is unless the relationship is already damaged from both partners not communicating in an effective way. If a partner is consistently showing up stable and secure and the DA/FA is invested enough, they can heal in the process by the repetition of secure behaviors with one another. Unfortunately a lot of the time their partner is not showing up with healthy communication either.
@@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope "If you show up secure they can sometimes follow your lead." LOLZ 🤣🤣
Lol you're not secure so wouldn't know what that's like, but thanks for playing! 😘 @@harry-james-books
@@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope You're making valid points, but I can't help but notice all the conditionals:
IF their partner is showing up secure and
IF the DA is invested enough and
IF enough damage hasn't already been done and
IF the DA's partner is communicating in a healthy way...
THEN the avoidant will respond in a healthy way?
What would be refreshing is IF an avoidant took accountability for their own actions and REGARDLESS of how their partner shows up, making the effort to conduct themselves like a healthy adult in spite of it all...
You know, like these videos encourage the PARTNER of the DA to do?
Oh and a bit of further context, I'm a secure married to an FA who (most of the time) leans avoidant, precisely because I actually care to invest in and save the relationship and that's threatening to her DA side.
I love my wife very much - the only thing I'm saying is that it's bloody exhausting always having to be the one showing up healthy, and communicating effectively and being vigilant to avoid core wounds which are scattered about like land-mines.
The truth is, you can do all of these things right and your DA is STILL going to DA most of the time unless something extreme changes.
Reconnect with an avoident? Why would anybody sane want to do that?
I’m sure they need love but so hard to communicate to my ex who was a avoidant, made me crazy 😮
Reconnecting with someone depends on your emotional readiness and the context of the relationship. Sometimes, setting boundaries and focusing on personal healing is the best step forward.
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool You seem to be saying the only the victim needs to change and heal.
From personal experience, setting a boundary with an FA will get you disrespected for being controlling, because they view being in a respectful relationship as stealing their freedom to do what they want, when they want. The boundary will go in their little black book, and they'll break it when they are ready to sabotage the relationship, using your boundary as the means for you to end the relationship because they don't have to feel bad or guilty about it.
So tell me again, who needs to do the personal healing out of the FA, or their victim?
Im FA and dealing with a DA makes me extremely anxious. I wish i were DA!
If you were a DA you would be selfishly and obliviously traumatizing every partner who ever wanted the best for you, with almost zero hope of waking up and healing.
Trust me, they're not better off. You're the winner and the wiser in this situation.
100% accurate. I'm also a FA and just dealt with a DA. Never again, they're so delusional and self-centered it's insane...@@AprilSunshine
Thais's courses are great to regulate your nervous system. I'm a FA too but now I test secure but I still have an avoidant lean and I'm fine with it.
@@AprilSunshine being selfish and traumatic is not a DA thing. That's a character issue. My DA is nothing like this nor are my avoidant friends. They'll give the shirt off their back for their loved ones.
I am FA leaning anxious , my bf is DA. We recently reconnected- he moves with a snail pace towards me- 1 step forward, 10 steps backwards. It feels draining at times 😢
How can you gently motivate and support a friend in addressing their avoidant behaviors, ensuring they feel understood and respected?
I want to support and encourage him to find help, but I also aim to be sensitive and not hurt his feelings.
This will almost never be an easy task, you have to have the patience of a saint.
No thanks I don’t need this attention seeking, affection withholding person in my life. She disgusts me. Shes happy no matter what bc the world revolves around her. She will never completely change, only for a moment or two and it’s fake. Shes a narcissist at heart that projected narcissism on to me. I just needed some reassurance, any. Im a confident persons. She systematically broke me and left me high and dry
Sorry for the pain you have suffered. You described it well by systematically broke me. My husband has been doing that now for over a year. I'm going to borrow that term. Thanks. And I hope you find the right one.
Avoidants aren't narcissists. They cause incredible pain, but they don't do it deliberately.
@@NicolaDietrich but they cause incredible pain and do not take responsibility for it.
The best thing to do is address the issue in a calm, adult manner. As someone who leans avoidant myself, any time my partners came at me in an emotionally charged manner, I simply told them I would not discuss things further until they talked to me like an adult. It's all you can do.
On a side note, I'm looking forward to reading your book!
This is the part that most people are glossing over. It’s wild. When it’s other attachments pitfalls, most people seem to not want to acknowledge that part of it. A DAs shortcomings is the end of the world though. It’s truly both sides not this one specific style that’s “exhausting”
Having emotions is OK and showing them in a reasonable way is healthy. But avoidants can't cope with that and should do the work to become more secure too.
@@no.5810 he's not talking about people who show emotions in a reasonable way. He said emotionally charged and no, that's not normal. People need to collect themselves and speak in a calm and clear demeanor or else it comes off as childish and unstable.
@@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope I'm convinced some of these people are absolutely CLUELESS on the definitions of the words they love to use.
@@Vanessa-iq3vt agreed. One has to be sure you're doing your part as well.
Perfect timing for this video... as it's the textbook DA's "time of year" for their ridiculousness and major holiday breakdown/deactivation.
Here we go again. 🙄😔
Lol let me try to use this today actually
Haha yeah, same boat. Happy new year, or maybe not. Hard to tell with this erratic nonsense.
Thanks.
Here's a question.... what does one do when their DA partner rejects the counsel of the licensed therapist that we chose to objectively help us navigate our relationship? That's where I'm at. Further, please note that this is the third counseler/therapist that she has rejected after she doesn't like what they have to say to her.
that's the end, my friend - learn to move on
Avoidants always need to be catered to
No, AP's always need to be catered to. Avoidants just want a peaceful relationship.
@@Coping_in_Copeland_Copeeveryone wants peaceful relationships, but we humans , living in reality not fantasies, we tend to lose our emotions sometimes, but the avoidant will leave in 1 wrong you did and forgetting you have been 99 good
@@barnabaskalu dating an avoidant isn't for everyone. They're likely not going to change for you. That one wrong thing can be pretty terrible and depending on what it is, it can definitely erase the 99 good things.
@The_Whimsical_Avoidant avoiding discomfort is not the same thing as peace to anyone that is not cut off from their emotions
@@dkdoodle we're not cut off from our emotions. We go deep into them. Partners of avoidants just don't know how to give us a second of space for us to process it and work it out without getting emotional. Everyone wants us to jump to their needs and their timeline and avoidants aren't going to do that. I'm not sure why it's expected if you know this.
There's a peaceful way to handle conflict. My DA and I just talk to each other. Lol Not that crazy.
Interesting insights
Exhausting!
Exhausting is how DAs feel dealing with other humans.
@@WrittenMysteries@WrittenMysteries Well, then, alone time it is for them.
@@btwthblood plenty of us have successful relationships 😙
@@WrittenMysteries good.
@@btwthblood we aren't alone. We just surround ourselves with people who are kind and don't bring stress to the table.
So what happens when someone who was literally abused and then abandoned as a child meets an avoidant? It’s pretty gut wrenching at the moment.
Most avoidants became avoidant due to abuse or abandonment
Yes. @@WrittenMysteries
It's almost been a year since me and my Da broke up and she said I honestly already moved on. Is there anything I can do to re connect and communicate?. I'm currently 10 months of no contact. I miss her but I know she needs the time and work.
Nice counsels but for me are not applicable…. He says me everything indirectly, hacking my phone and sending me lovebombing and denying everything when I confront him….
run!
When it's to late 😢
I'm baack!!! Had a terrible month of sickness that culminated in a week-long hospital stay. CPTSD really sucks. But I'm finally past it. Now to return to the important business of defending the honor of DAs far and wide!
welcome back & thank you for your service 💜 hope the new year's full of healing & joy 🌈
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Welcome back and glad you're healing!
The tiny numbers of avoidants that "come back," after an fight, is so statistcally instignificat, you are setting people to have a ridiculous expectations, and even more ridiculous expectation they are capable of a "comeback, with an act of service" in the majority of fights
Wrong. Get your own channel.
Sounds like you have your own stuff to work through too.
I really enjoy your channel Thais. But donating for pints of blood to uour local hospital is less draining than helping an avoidant. The four pints of blood supports four people who will be grateful. Sorry but that's my real life experience.
That’s a powerful analogy. Supporting someone can feel overwhelming at times, especially if it’s not reciprocated. Taking care of your own emotional health is always important.
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool It was a very harsh analogy, coming from well intentioned effort, frustration for a good person and my pain. I am working really hard to address my experience and emotional boundaries. Even a HSP empath has his limits. I wish I hadn't posted my earlier comment. Please remove jf you can Thais. Great channel crap comment, sorry.
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OH MY GOD THANK GOODNESS FOR THIS. A friend of mine...kind of ghosted me, but it looks like it was really more stonewalling me. Wow.
1001
I’m really tired of seeing people complain about avoidants being a lot of work. If you don’t want to do the work of meeting someone where they are at, then don’t. If an avoidant doesn’t work for you, then reject them and move on. Don’t reject them for who they are and then tell the internet how victimized you are that someone had different emotional needs than what came easy for you to give. Thais isn’t telling you to have no boundaries. She is saying: if you want to accept the avoidant for who they are and respond to them effectively, then here is how. If you just want to tell them that their nervous system should be different to suit you, then keep alienating them and be pleased with your choice.
I think the people who you're tired of hearing complain are those who are trying to "put in the work" with their avoidant partner and are tired of the unexpected setbacks when things seem to revert to a previous stage that they assumed they had resolved. The goal isn't to just accept someone's DA tendencies, it's unhealthy for everyone. The goal is to accept that the tendencies are part of the journey towards becoming securely attached....AND it's extremely frustrating and even debilitating at times when someone is on the receiving end of a DAs regressive behavior, when they seemed to be evolving from their initially stunted emotional state.
eh, sometimes it's good to vent in a space where others can relate
yes, a lot of people are problematic and don't vent healthily or know how to express in a way that isn't indicative of their own problems, but, take some of your own advice
if you don't want to read comments of people complaining about avoidants, then stop reading them
Why bother. Seriously
BS, it doesn't matter Thais if it's harmonious or direct conflict. Dismissive Avoidants just see anything toward them as criticism.
We would laugh all the time, and had harmonious conflict as that for the 6 years we were married we never argued.
Still didn't stop her from stonewalling, discarding, lying and cheating as she monkey branched to an ex.
I think your coaches are more concerned about financial gain and fantastical rhetoric than actual reality.
Lying, cheating and monkey branching are not DA traits. Those are someone who has low morals and a bad character. I had an AP/SA friend like this. Cheated on her fiance, had the new guy move in and kicked the fiance out then got pregnant with twins. She's no longer my friend fyi. Another AP friend is dating a self proclaimed AP and they already broke up once for him cheating. Acting as if avoidants are the main culprit in cheating is simply untrue.
Every single attachment coach on TH-cam is getting financial gain, including the ones you agree with.
You dont sound like a picnic yourself. If you're not here to learn and be productive then just shut up.
@The_Whimsical_Avoidant If you would like. You can look at Thais video on "Why Avoidants cheat and sabotage intimacy."
Thais speaks directly to why Avoidants cheat. The link to Avoidants cheating is deeply linked to their need for validation due to their broken sense of self-worth.
If you don't believe DA's do these things, then I'd suggest listening to other coaches who also confirm this trait amongst Avoidants.
Whimsical Avoidant
Look up Thais's video on "Why Avoidants cheat and Sabotage intimacy." You will see the traits mentioned above are common to Avoidants. Other coaches also confirm that a high percentage of Avoidants cheat. Cheating for Avoidants is linked to their need for validation, given they have very low self-worth.
@Apbt-rv7zw lol no it's not. Anxious attachers are the ones who have a big need for validation. Thais is not saying that cheating is an avoidant trait either. She's saying that if they do cheat, this is why. That absolutely does not mean that this is the norm for avoidants. You all just like tying anyone with bad morals to being an avoidant. A shitty person is a shitty person, but go with whatever helps you sleep at night I guess..