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“Being able to work through conflict” is a fantastic non-negotiable to have. As someone who has learned the hard way, be wary of the people-pleasing avoidant, who, in order to _avoid_ conflict, will just capitulate and say “sorry” or “you’re right” whenever there is a disagreement. To the uneducated (like I was), this can _feel_ a lot like “good conflict resolution”, even though the same conflicts come up again and again. A good litmus test for me, when someone says “sorry”, is to ask, “What are you sorry for?” If they identify how they hurt you, take responsibility, and strategize on how to avoid it in the future, great. But if they say “I don’t know, I just know you’re mad and I’m supposed to say sorry”, big red flag.
Fantastic video My five-year relationship ended a month ago. The decision to part ways with the love of my life is something that truly consumes me. Though it's all in vain, I've tried everything to get him back, and I can't fathom my life with anyone else. Even though I've made every effort to quit thinking about him, I can't help but miss him and can't stop thinking about him. Why I am stating this here is beyond me.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
Think most people see the avoidant as the person they appeared to be in the beginning...which is why its hard to come to terms with who they ended up showing themselves to be and why you stick around waiting for them to go back to being that person...
@The_Whimsical_Avoidant Have you considered that it was the avoidant's actions that lead to the anxiety in their partner? I was healed and secure, and I still am in a lot of ways. I enjoy my own company and do not need to be in relationships to feel fulfilled. I was single for 5 years after a divorce from a diagnosed narc when I met the avoidant who shook up my world again. He presented as secure the first month we were together which is what drew me to him in the first place. Then once we began to grow in emotional intimacy he got spooked like a feral cat and ghosted me, only to come back and take me through the ringer emotionally. Which naturally lead to my insecurities and anxiety increasing significantly. Got to the point where I would cut him off because I was tired of the emotional torment and games. I have empathy for him because I know he's not had an easy life and can identify what would have lead him to be as he is. But as someone who has dealt with lots of trauma as well, having past trauma is not an excuse to traumatize someone else. Especially someone you claim to care for.
@The_Whimsical_Avoidantyes... but it is normal for there to be more expectations with time... so it is hard for anxious people to be cool with the avoidant not meeting basic expectations. At 2 years the normal expected behavior shouldn't be like someone you know for 2 months...
*most people* are on "better behavior" at the beginning of a relationship, hence the various "stages" thais often talks about - heck! even neurochemically we change throughout a relationship!
Absolutely 100%. Avoidants can love bomb at the beginning when there is no pressure, expectation or commitment. They show up as their best selves but unless they are doing to work to heal their attachment it is only a matter of time before they start creating distance in the relationship and freezing you out, through a variety of unhealthy actions.
my DA literally told me last night that he was "too tired to be kind to me", that was my last straw like, how dare you justify the mistreatment of me? like seriously? I feel like I tried so hard to cater to him, and I never got anything back in return, but criticism and ridicule as if I were the most horrible person that he's ever came across in his whole life. The only potential there is lies in the potential to be hurt and have someone who is in capable of basic human emotions such as compassion and empathy constantly let you down all while telling you you're asking too much when expecting a response after 15 HOURS. There's no potential unless they wanna change :(
@@SaraX2024 I literally could not believe that he said that to me like I literally called him this morning, and I was like I want you to apologize to me and he literally told me no he's not going apologize to me. It's like they expect you to do all this work but you have to accept them as they are, emotional abuse and all. Like I'm bewildered over this I cannot believe he said that to me still.
@@ajmosutra7667 i'm literally still can't believe he said that to me like I genuinely try to be empathetic with him and understand his point of you because I watch a lot of DA videos but he literally justified his mistreatment of me and I can't tolerate that. I genuinely am astonished and appalled at this. They alwayssss want you to work on yourself and do this and that and if you do it, it's still not good enough for them because the problem is they don't want to do their 50%.
This is how bad I am. I've been in limerence hell for 6 months. Her potential was my fantasy. After she dumped me on Facetime I still fantasize(d) about informing her that she could get help as a DA. I think my therapist is getting sick of me because I'm so stuck. This particular video really upsets me - because it's telling me the truth and I still have a hard time believing it. Ugh.
It gets better. Been there, trust me. Try to love yourself a bit, do something that you stopped doing but enjoyed and reach out to those who care about you. And remember you are not ductape, you cannot fix somebody else. Keep it up
I did the standards (had 9) and non-negotiables (had 4) and my ex was nearly 60/90 for standards but only 7/40 for non negotiables. Great exercise. Explains why I was so attracted but why it didn't work out!
Oh this is gold! I had a talk with my FA friend last night about taking our relationship to a romantic level and I was able to get her to understand that I wasn't in the headspace to commit to one. I explained how my business expansion, finishing my novel, and Judo competition were my main focus at the moment and I would be unable to give her what she needs in a relationship. She seemed to understand and it doesn't seem I was risking our friendship in the least! Interestingly, we spoke about many of the topics discussed in this video (i.e. potential, fantasy, etc) and even listened to one of her favorite relationship podcasts. I'm so glad we had the talk and were able to agree to staying friends. However, we may revisit a relationship later if we're both available. Great video!
@The_Whimsical_Avoidant that's actually a good sweet spot. However I forgot to mention that my FA friend had gone through a breakup shortly before our talk last week. While she seemed okay initially, I came to the conclusion last night that she needed more time to process things. I know I've said on this channel that I start seeing other people immediately after a breakup, but I don't get into any serious relationships for at least three to six months. I told her it would be best that she process her breakup a little longer and perhaps we could revisit the idea down the line (assuming we're both available at that time).
@The_Whimsical_Avoidant and to think that the guy died, came back as a ghost, and was given a second chance to turn over a new leaf. Now he's throwing it all away going back to his old habits. 🤦🏿♂️
My avoidant future faked for many years until I was blind side discarded and they told me they don't want to ever be married. Have kids. Etc. So just know. They may lie even when you set boundaries.
@Joisu121 yep, we discussed it for years. Just for him to leave me because he said he never wanted to have kids and never wanted to be married. His parents gave him horrible DA. And yep. Blind side discard, wasted my last fertility years on him.
@@WeGotTurboGaming oh wow. Thanks for giving me perspective. I felt terrible and clingy because my ex was all about marriage and kids, we discussed extensively, that he's only dating for that purpose, then literally suddenly said, after a year, when we felt super connected, that he is super busy with work (true there were some work changes but...) and that he can't give me the energy i deserve and i should see other people so i might be able to marry and have kids. I was clinging on another few months, and he faded away and then broke up by text. Perhaps he was self aware and his way of helping me... sad when the feelings are like tides. The changes are so 180. I am sorry that happened to you, but don't ever blame yourself for loving wholeheartedly
@@Joisu121 im so sorry also, I do wish he would have been quicker with it, I wasted 7 years of my life. The commitment is too scary for DAs. Even though I do blame myself. Unfortunately my depression got worse and I wasn't getting better fast enough
When setting standards and evaluating past or current partners, what can you do if you don't have any sense of what your standards should be? I feel like I'm not in touch with myself enough to define a realistic set of characteristics. I'm also not the same person I might have aspired to be, after 15 years of marriage to someone who doesn't share the things I value.
You just need to take time to journal and get in touch with yourself. Get to know yourself really well and learn to communicate your needs and boundaries more frequently as you learn what they are. Other people will never have any clue what your standards are till you communicate them.
I’m going to make a list of things I look for. You have to navigate it, nobody is going to be a 10/10 after the break up my avoidant ex said a reason we broke up was bc I never been to a concert or been on a plane I thought it was a flaw to find as I’m a good partner so it’s like one you knew that as we started dating and two it’s not changing my character I wanted our first holiday abroad together or even a festival n both
Hello, above most ohters i find your offerings useful, direct and the component where they are offered as a business, so far it semms fair. Buuuut, I have a recommendation, upon taking your attachment style test, you really should offer a basic result to entice coveriung more, right now you take the test and then is stonewalls you with asking for your actual name and email address, which is a turn off, it also doesn't remotely show that you have something to offer, as well it feels pretty bad gto have someone ask you lots of personal questions then suddenly say that they wangt your rivate information. Huuuuge turn off, as well as not encouraging of actually having anything to offer. thx be well
What if its not the potential of who the person could but the potential to return to who they were. My DA ex was genuinely such an amazing person and partner… until he got overwhelmed and dumped me out of the blue. Im still so attached to who he was when we were together. I know the relationship and he needs some work but damn it was so good while it was good
Take advantage of our Boxing Week Sale! Get personalized courses, live webinars & Q&As, and more for FREE for 7 days!
attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/dream-life?Dr2hSc&el=youtube
It’s time to transform your career, life & future with our Live Relationship Coaching Program!
attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/iat?Dr2hSc&el=youtube
“Being able to work through conflict” is a fantastic non-negotiable to have.
As someone who has learned the hard way, be wary of the people-pleasing avoidant, who, in order to _avoid_ conflict, will just capitulate and say “sorry” or “you’re right” whenever there is a disagreement. To the uneducated (like I was), this can _feel_ a lot like “good conflict resolution”, even though the same conflicts come up again and again.
A good litmus test for me, when someone says “sorry”, is to ask, “What are you sorry for?” If they identify how they hurt you, take responsibility, and strategize on how to avoid it in the future, great. But if they say “I don’t know, I just know you’re mad and I’m supposed to say sorry”, big red flag.
This lady deserves FAR more views. 🙌
Fantastic video My five-year relationship ended a month ago. The decision to part ways with the love of my life is something that truly consumes me. Though it's all in vain, I've tried everything to get him back, and I can't fathom my life with anyone else. Even though I've made every effort to quit thinking about him, I can't help but miss him and can't stop thinking about him. Why I am stating this here is beyond me.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
Think most people see the avoidant as the person they appeared to be in the beginning...which is why its hard to come to terms with who they ended up showing themselves to be and why you stick around waiting for them to go back to being that person...
@The_Whimsical_Avoidant Have you considered that it was the avoidant's actions that lead to the anxiety in their partner?
I was healed and secure, and I still am in a lot of ways. I enjoy my own company and do not need to be in relationships to feel fulfilled. I was single for 5 years after a divorce from a diagnosed narc when I met the avoidant who shook up my world again.
He presented as secure the first month we were together which is what drew me to him in the first place. Then once we began to grow in emotional intimacy he got spooked like a feral cat and ghosted me, only to come back and take me through the ringer emotionally.
Which naturally lead to my insecurities and anxiety increasing significantly.
Got to the point where I would cut him off because I was tired of the emotional torment and games. I have empathy for him because I know he's not had an easy life and can identify what would have lead him to be as he is. But as someone who has dealt with lots of trauma as well, having past trauma is not an excuse to traumatize someone else. Especially someone you claim to care for.
@The_Whimsical_Avoidantyes... but it is normal for there to be more expectations with time... so it is hard for anxious people to be cool with the avoidant not meeting basic expectations. At 2 years the normal expected behavior shouldn't be like someone you know for 2 months...
Precisely
*most people* are on "better behavior" at the beginning of a relationship, hence the various "stages" thais often talks about - heck! even neurochemically we change throughout a relationship!
Absolutely 100%. Avoidants can love bomb at the beginning when there is no pressure, expectation or commitment. They show up as their best selves but unless they are doing to work to heal their attachment it is only a matter of time before they start creating distance in the relationship and freezing you out, through a variety of unhealthy actions.
my DA literally told me last night that he was "too tired to be kind to me", that was my last straw like, how dare you justify the mistreatment of me? like seriously? I feel like I tried so hard to cater to him, and I never got anything back in return, but criticism and ridicule as if I were the most horrible person that he's ever came across in his whole life.
The only potential there is lies in the potential to be hurt and have someone who is in capable of basic human emotions such as compassion and empathy constantly let you down all while telling you you're asking too much when expecting a response after 15 HOURS. There's no potential unless they wanna change :(
SAAAMEEE GIRRLLL
He was sooo rude all the time and contradictory
Sometimes, they let out the "psychopath" in them.
@@SaraX2024 I literally could not believe that he said that to me like I literally called him this morning, and I was like I want you to apologize to me and he literally told me no he's not going apologize to me. It's like they expect you to do all this work but you have to accept them as they are, emotional abuse and all. Like I'm bewildered over this I cannot believe he said that to me still.
@@ajmosutra7667 i'm literally still can't believe he said that to me like I genuinely try to be empathetic with him and understand his point of you because I watch a lot of DA videos but he literally justified his mistreatment of me and I can't tolerate that. I genuinely am astonished and appalled at this.
They alwayssss want you to work on yourself and do this and that and if you do it, it's still not good enough for them because the problem is they don't want to do their 50%.
This is how bad I am. I've been in limerence hell for 6 months. Her potential was my fantasy. After she dumped me on Facetime I still fantasize(d) about informing her that she could get help as a DA. I think my therapist is getting sick of me because I'm so stuck.
This particular video really upsets me - because it's telling me the truth and I still have a hard time believing it.
Ugh.
It gets better. Been there, trust me. Try to love yourself a bit, do something that you stopped doing but enjoyed and reach out to those who care about you. And remember you are not ductape, you cannot fix somebody else. Keep it up
Amazing video!
Very good episode !
I agree.
Point 1 on the list of non-negotiables (I got this from another TH-camr) should be: You want a person who actually wants to be with you too.
Stunning stunning video. Would love if you can deep dive on the fantasy section on your videos.
Thank you! That was a helpful exercise.
I did the standards (had 9) and non-negotiables (had 4) and my ex was nearly 60/90 for standards but only 7/40 for non negotiables. Great exercise. Explains why I was so attracted but why it didn't work out!
Oh this is gold! I had a talk with my FA friend last night about taking our relationship to a romantic level and I was able to get her to understand that I wasn't in the headspace to commit to one. I explained how my business expansion, finishing my novel, and Judo competition were my main focus at the moment and I would be unable to give her what she needs in a relationship. She seemed to understand and it doesn't seem I was risking our friendship in the least!
Interestingly, we spoke about many of the topics discussed in this video (i.e. potential, fantasy, etc) and even listened to one of her favorite relationship podcasts. I'm so glad we had the talk and were able to agree to staying friends. However, we may revisit a relationship later if we're both available. Great video!
@The_Whimsical_Avoidant that's actually a good sweet spot. However I forgot to mention that my FA friend had gone through a breakup shortly before our talk last week. While she seemed okay initially, I came to the conclusion last night that she needed more time to process things. I know I've said on this channel that I start seeing other people immediately after a breakup, but I don't get into any serious relationships for at least three to six months. I told her it would be best that she process her breakup a little longer and perhaps we could revisit the idea down the line (assuming we're both available at that time).
@The_Whimsical_Avoidant yeah, no sense in making things more difficult than they have to be.
@bulldogsnewleaf-m7g what kind of response is that?
@The_Whimsical_Avoidant and to think that the guy died, came back as a ghost, and was given a second chance to turn over a new leaf. Now he's throwing it all away going back to his old habits. 🤦🏿♂️
My avoidant future faked for many years until I was blind side discarded and they told me they don't want to ever be married. Have kids. Etc. So just know. They may lie even when you set boundaries.
So they acted like they wanted to be married and have kids for years? Ugh
@Joisu121 yep, we discussed it for years. Just for him to leave me because he said he never wanted to have kids and never wanted to be married. His parents gave him horrible DA. And yep. Blind side discard, wasted my last fertility years on him.
@@WeGotTurboGaming oh wow. Thanks for giving me perspective. I felt terrible and clingy because my ex was all about marriage and kids, we discussed extensively, that he's only dating for that purpose, then literally suddenly said, after a year, when we felt super connected, that he is super busy with work (true there were some work changes but...) and that he can't give me the energy i deserve and i should see other people so i might be able to marry and have kids. I was clinging on another few months, and he faded away and then broke up by text. Perhaps he was self aware and his way of helping me... sad when the feelings are like tides. The changes are so 180. I am sorry that happened to you, but don't ever blame yourself for loving wholeheartedly
@@Joisu121 im so sorry also, I do wish he would have been quicker with it, I wasted 7 years of my life. The commitment is too scary for DAs. Even though I do blame myself. Unfortunately my depression got worse and I wasn't getting better fast enough
"He's in therapy and working on himself..." meanwhile, it's only getting worse. How long do you want to wait?
Been there, done that.
This sounds like an ad 😂
Don’t
Run
The exercise starts around 17:50
what about me setting the standards but drawn unconsciously to people who do not have those standards ?
Sounds like that's your subconscious comfort zone
When setting standards and evaluating past or current partners, what can you do if you don't have any sense of what your standards should be?
I feel like I'm not in touch with myself enough to define a realistic set of characteristics.
I'm also not the same person I might have aspired to be, after 15 years of marriage to someone who doesn't share the things I value.
You just need to take time to journal and get in touch with yourself. Get to know yourself really well and learn to communicate your needs and boundaries more frequently as you learn what they are. Other people will never have any clue what your standards are till you communicate them.
I’m going to make a list of things I look for. You have to navigate it, nobody is going to be a 10/10 after the break up my avoidant ex said a reason we broke up was bc I never been to a concert or been on a plane I thought it was a flaw to find as I’m a good partner so it’s like one you knew that as we started dating and two it’s not changing my character I wanted our first holiday abroad together or even a festival n both
Hello, above most ohters i find your offerings useful, direct and the component where they are offered as a business, so far it semms fair. Buuuut, I have a recommendation, upon taking your attachment style test, you really should offer a basic result to entice coveriung more, right now you take the test and then is stonewalls you with asking for your actual name and email address, which is a turn off, it also doesn't remotely show that you have something to offer, as well it feels pretty bad gto have someone ask you lots of personal questions then suddenly say that they wangt your rivate information. Huuuuge turn off, as well as not encouraging of actually having anything to offer.
thx be well
My Ex had 3 of the ten traits I wanted.
🙏♥️
What if its not the potential of who the person could but the potential to return to who they were. My DA ex was genuinely such an amazing person and partner… until he got overwhelmed and dumped me out of the blue. Im still so attached to who he was when we were together. I know the relationship and he needs some work but damn it was so good while it was good
Going thru the same. Such a great person but has a hard time with certain things
Don't waste your time.
We're old, beyond potential. Does one need to settle for someone one isn't attracted to but will cause less grief?