One of the worst jobs I ever had was being a custodian for a public university. I have _never_ experienced the high school mentality and such deranged politics over cleaning toilets before or since.
I worked at this disgusting retailer that is very popular and nearly most of the young (foreign national among third world countries) employees sided with this disgusting manager who was lazy and gossiping about folks like me who expressed concerns about not enough supplies and condiments and theft. I was assaulted by a thief, he was arrested, the NYC cops witnessed it and actually let him go. This is common in the hood. Yet the manager never dealt with the situation and complained to other employees that I got on well with. To this day, most if not all have defended this piece of trash....who is also from a third world country working for an American famous retailer/convenient store. I had quit on the spot since I experienced two knuckleheads trying to leave asap when there were customers waiting for help (same ones who were almost always late) ....I thought to myself this filthy place along w/ it's "ilk" isn't worth 15 per hour esp in NYC. I left the store before they could clock out.....and I never looked back. Management still refuses to mail my last two checks. I should have allowed myself to be fired, and maybe I could have received unemployment insurance...but then that wouldn't be enough anyway. Good riddance.
@@debraberg4513 hi Jean. You might want to remove this person's name. If they see that they may have grounds to sue. I'm sincerely only trying to help.
I always stand up to assholes and bullies, if they kept ramping up the issue I never stood down, no matter how many they were, and every time when a boiling point was reached they always backed down. Bullies are usually people with self confidence problems or other similar issues, but their twisted way of dealing with it is to belittle and abuse people around them to feel superior and gratified or they get a high from others pain, but when it comes down to it, most of them are cowards and that's why they band together, to feel safe. I would encourage almost anyone to stand up for themselves, don't let other people walk over you, you are worth so much more than that!
My husband was a super success in his field. His revenge was to retire early. The entire department just fell apart after he left. Workers from other departments texted him begging him to come back. Nope, the bullies lost their jobs, and the Company spent a ton of extra $$$$$$ to run the department. The little quiet helpful old man had the last laugh. You don't know the worth of the water till the well walks out the door.
Love this. My Dad did the same, retiring at 52. He was the head of the Power Dept of the phone company for the entire U.S. He died eleven years later. Twelve to sixteen years after his death, we were still getting calls from them wanting him to come back to work. Even, Klunkhead, the asshole he had the most trouble kept calling, asking if my Dad left any notes or files around that he could have. Tells you alot about the guy who didn't know anything about my Dad; if he actually knew him or tried to learn from him when my Dad was his boss, everything he needed was still there at the office. Unf@%#ing believable.
@@gumbykevbo Also, straight up murdering US citizens, denying them their due process rights, and people dying naturally because it is not a legitimate role of government to protect it's citizens from all of life's dangers....meh. Gonna have to go with authoritarian murder probably.
From experience HR offer no help at all. They just say send an email of complaint to the Boss. Ive seen people I work with leave because the Boss seems to hate it when employees call HR.
Believe it or not, most HR people try to handle these types of complaints appropriately but are shut down by executive management. Also, I have seen HR people bully each other in larger HR departments. So how does anyone expect HR to protect employees when they aren't granted the authority to do so or when HR can't find protection from getting bullied themselves?
@@NothingToSeeHere1141 Blame isn't something I would add into the equation, it's not productive. It deflects and distracts. The fact you had such a good experience at the non-profit is evidence of the type of environment you thrive in and contribute well to. I hope you find the book as beneficial as I have. Best to you. 😊
The only problem I've found with "killing them with kindness" is that some see it as more of a justification to continue their behavior. Almost like giving a dog a treat everytime it tries to bite you.
That’s true, although an aware mature person will realize they over reacted and learn by role modeling kindness, patience and communication. Those that are damaged and have no empathy or respect for others will see your actions as a reward for being an assh*le, they won’t understand your goodwill.
Yes, I would agree. But I still practice it. It's mostly as a model to those in the periphery who take notice more than the person who's being unpleasant. Seeing how the unpleasant person is ultimately unable to get to you seems to leave the impression that the interchange says more about that person (and not in any positive way whatsoever) than it does about me ultimately being non-plused about it. It doesn't hurt to be genuinely concerned about the person attempting to cause you distress either. Sometimes that person is just having a bad day, a bad time in their life, whatever. Not that this excuses anything, but I think there is wisdom in being a tad charitable. That being said, being overly charitable has from time to time resulted in enough attempted dog bites that I really should reassess things. Cheers.
In 1982 at 21 years of age, I left a profession I had fought the odds to enter, only to find a toxic workplace, I left it and opted to focus on a good marriage, raising two accomplished children, and an occupation where I was surrounded by genuinely kind people, I am now turning 60, have a marriage I’m proud of, children I’m proud of, and my friendships with genuinely kind, clever and creative people, leaves these toxic superficial , manipulate and selfish people for dead, I too have coped because I have learned to feel sorry for these people, I have less financially than my peers, but what a rich life I have lived, NEVER be afraid to leave a toxic situation, you are better than that and deserve better!
@@broco6608 I get it. Grateful to be employed, but that's the real positive at this point. I need to not give a flip. I love what I do and am at point in career where it would be really hard to change jobs at this point. I just need to embrace the positive and distance myself from the negative influences.
Feel sorry for them was my GoTo before I studied narcissism extensively Now I know too much But It does allow me to re-wrap them in a clown suit biting their nails, ✌️
@@broco6608 It IS you. You attracted them. I didnt hear you say you are using coping/solution measures. And why , oh, why do you stay? You sound like a slave. The few shekels you'll get in retirement isnt worth it. Find new waters to swim in.
@@broco6608 Because only YOU can start the process of healing. Articulating your standards to YOURSELF. Establishing boundaries for YOURSELF. Studying, researching your problems... Moving away from toxic environments. Getting away wont work if the same old programing leads you to the same scenarios with the same type people.
In my experience, people who are jerks to you at work avoid censure in two ways: one is to get you to lose your cool, which then becomes the problem, and whatever the jerk did gets a free pass. The other is to get to management first with a story about how you're the bad guy, because management will believe the first story they hear. Been done to me many times.
Yes! give management a heads up quickly, even if no action is required. Tell them you'll let them know if this continunes. This way they don't get to build a narrative.
One problem is my Boss is a Gatekeeper Asshole that does nothing to prohibit other assholes from tormenting new hires in the corporation. Family run Corporations are the worst.
@@skeetorkiftwon oh I’m a shit talker but not in this context. There’s a difference between shit talking & verbal abuse. That doesn’t mean anyone is soft. You might want to learn the difference.
This is the truth. I don't know why this is. Bullies just have really thick skin and can handle more beatings. Stupid people seem to have thick skin too. So it might just be stupidity, genetics, and a troublesome upbringing.
People like to unsettle others; it makes them feel powerful. For this reason, the meaner someone is to you, just become extremely calm and look them straight in the eyes when conversing with them and don't look away or blink until they look away. Be pleasant and matter of fact (not fake snarky pleasant) so they realize they aren't upsetting you one single bit. Makes them extremely uncomfortable and they tend to avoid you after that.
I've worked at a job where people were expected to be miserable and take it out on each other. Their notion was: "This is how the world works." Nah guys, this is how your terrible business works. There are plenty of places where people are happy and productive.
I ended up quitting my teaching job and took an IT job. People were being awarded for being an a.hole because the department head was the lead a.hole. I ended up with diabetes, high blood pressure, and depression from it. After taking the IT job things are getting better. I wish I could claim workmen's comp on that.
@pleiades that is fantastic advice! I totally agree! You have to take care of yourself and those tips are spot-on. I'm trying to go carnivore. I'm not quite there but I'm close and I feel great! I also eat one meal a day (omad) and I feel fantastic. Don't let the bullies and a holes ruin your health!
Bad jobs can effect our health Mentally. But I think everyone has experienced this at some stage. To get Workers Compensation it has to be an extremely serious situation.
You’re so right! It’s literally a pandemic. So many people are all about looking out for number 1, and totally disregard other people’s perspectives, even shutting them out of their lives - instead of building bridges they burn them. We as a society seem to be losing our humanity. After thousands of years of “advancing civilizations” we’re mostly still just a bunch of barbarians.
If you're going to work for money, you're going to have to deal with jerks. A strategy that's worked for me is simple assertiveness. If your nature is to be nice all the time, it will be perceived that you need people's approval whether you like it or not. To bullies, it's blood in the water. I think it's important to immediately ice someone out that's not treating you right and most times they will change their behavior. This goes for bosses too.
Yes! Positive and friendly assertiveness is my go to now. I was “nice” at my last church and didn’t stick my neck out with what I thought.... it just got me bullied and treated like a little kid... So now I have regained some kind but direct assertiveness and speaking honestly but with kindness. Kind people tell the truth but don’t control. They realize that saying things in the right tone and approach is important and speaking up is also important. Kindness does not avoid conflict when needed but avoids unnecessary toxicity and bully’s by others....and kindness knows when to fight and when to just leave. “Nice” people stand down and don’t want to see ANYONE upset so they avoid and ignore and let someone bully them. Get a hi one down thoughts and feelings until they themselves become jerks and blow up themselves from being “nice” for too long
I found out about the Big Five personality theory and it helped me stop being so nice. I’m naturally“agreeable” but when someone demonstrates that they’re naturally disagreeable, I hold back. No more casting pearls before swine. And it’s been empowering. Turns out I can be disagreeable if I want to - and the jerks predictability back off.
After another of my boss's tirades I looked at him steely eyed and told him to treat me like a professional. He tries me now and then, but I remain assertive and resolute.
Once in a large corporate tax office a coworker asked me if I ever filed returns late. I sensed a set up so I falsely told her yes, many of my returns were filed late. She reappeared a few minutes later with the tax manager and CFO who said they heard my returns were filed late. I just pulled out my files and calmly showed that every single return had been filed on time. The coworker turned beat red and the two bosses went back to their offices. She later asked why I lied to her but all I could do is smile. 😂😂
05:56 Tweet: "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes." Lol. Now that I am old enough to recognize when is just the case the only solution is just to leave, to let them enjoy their own company.
And it is sad, but you cant change people, and you have to preserve your sanity. Find a nicer space. You might make less money, but your gastric lining will remain intact, and maybe you won't need expensive blood pressure medication! Tata!
Aleksandr Choban Not much use when your Manager is he bully and his Manager joining in because you spoke up and asserted your right not to be treated that way.
That's a really good one. I get nosy questions from complete strangers. Too bad I can't say that to them! I'm made to look bad if I don't want to engage with nosy budinskis who have no business at all with me or my affairs.
@@marksconce4983 I agree. I have found the best line of action is to be firm. You can say « no » without apology, and politely, without smiling and with calm assurance. Then state in a short sentence why you refuse. Then fo not hold a grudge that so and so tried to bully you. If respect remains, then you have a chance at becoming appreciated and respected (by the bully and the other coworkers) in return. Do not treat others in a way you would ever want to be treated.
A woman can do that and be effective. A gay man probably can, just as a male of racial minority probably can. However, a straight white male can under no circumstances do this. Trust me. He may as well staple a "kick me" sign to his back.
Be aggressive and dominating with bullies, it's the only language they understand. You absolutely must give back more than you get and watch how fast they want to be your friend.
@@savage_skirt5386You nailed it. Sorry you almost got fired for trying to stand up for yourself. Workplace bullies usually act out when no one is around and a lot of times they are friends with managers and supervisors. So if you try to stand your ground or dish it back out so to speak, then they try to make it out like you are a problem.
My store has ambient noise that prevents audio, we're in separate aisles, and they tell jokes involving everything I am and what Ive done but it about some person that isnt me that doesnt exist
Until you’re trying to find a lawyer for wrongful termination with no income or supports... rent and bills dont care about your moral superiority and neither do toxic workplaces.
@@KarmasAbutch kida my fear right know, since I have a bad habit of getting unwanted focus from narcissit bosses, and machiavellian colleagues. The first start calling me out for every little detail even if they know it’s in the best interest of the company, and the latter want to use me as a ladder. 😅
Kindness, distancing techniques, separating your self from the drama, are all good ways to reduce stress, but they can also cause you to miss cues for actual danger. Being observant and knowing when you need to literally leave the room is also important.
There's also subtle, covert abuse -- supervisors who find ways to nit-pick, put you down, claim a duty is "easy", gaslighting and never have your back etc... Sometimes these supervisors are nice to the workers who are either overly confident or just worship their bosses. it can be very hard to reveal the toxic behavior for all to see because the rest of the co-workers have such positive experiences. Those of you who are being bullied are in the minority and often just quit. This was my experience as a full-time teacher. Those that quit never confronted their boss or complained -- just vented to friends. So, nothing ever changes.
I walked out of my job today came here to see all the comments … my coworkers have Ben bullying me, making fun of me of my weight how I talk and also Ben taking advantage of my kindness and when something wasn’t done they come and tell me shit but never too harshly to be noticed as a insult only enough to make me feel dumb and confused and upset 😢 . When I walked out today everyone called me and some texted me saying “ you need to come back” …. Hopefully you don’t take a longer break thn you are Now .. and i needed a breather and I wasn’t gonna explain … are they sorry now ? Lol it hurts because I’m dealing with other stuff to come work and deal with more like nope I left I didn’t even clock out
I'm in tech but my boss is just like that. He will recommend new, additional features when I ask him for any help, ugh. Dude is up his ass so hard, I haven't had a single comment on my work good or bad for over 1 year though. Doesn't matter, but being around him too long makes you feel invisible. Awful person. I feel sorry for his wife
This is, quite possibly, one of the best presentations I've ever watched. Also, a shout-out to my late dad: he was a physician once at Cleveland Clinic a looong time ago, and I can also confirm that they don't tolerate a**holes. My dad was a professor of medicine and tried to teach every one of his students to be a thoughtful person with excellent bedside manner (ie, not an a**hole)-he was well-loved by students and faculty alike.
My father had the same manner, same profession, and same mind-set in the Detroit area. A-holes reduce efficiency and patient connection. Interns, residents, and patients find them unapproachable. Another thing that remains undiscussed here, does acting like an a-hole make you seem more competent? Funny, but I have never heard anyone say, "He or She is an a-hole, but his work performance is of the highest caliber!
My boss used to give me all the difficult people to handle because I was “so good at it” The third time he said this to me, I replied that I was glad he recognized it as a valuable skill set, but I didn’t enjoy dealing with these folks any more than the rest of the team and he needed to start sharing the wealth so everyone could develop skills in this area. And that I would be willing to mentor anyone who asked.
The one I love is the schools have posters everywhere about bullying, and the management of the school district is the worst offender at bullying their employees into doing illegal and unethical things.
My son told me that if he got caught defending himself or someone else against a bully he would get suspended along with the bully. Schools don't want to trouble themselves with a little investigating. I told him to go ahead & defend himself even if that meant getting suspended. It never happened but if it ever did, the school would be sorry!
I had two colleagues that bullied me. I just went out and made friends with the rest of department. When it come to a head I had the backing of the whole department and I slowly escalated to the point it reached the CIO. He put them in their place and they changed their behavior, and the rest of the department still had no issue with me since they saw what those two were doing.
So... If a great boss is someone who will protect you, why isn't it considered criminal assault when a boss actually instigates mobbing against an employee, just because the boss is lazy, or a psychopath looking for an easy scapegoat to hide behind, torment, and ruin?
I agree, DM. People desperately need to be educated on logic vs. fallacies, and civil discussion & debate; maintaining respect, courtesy and consideration for people we disagree with.
There are some states with workplace bullying laws on the books, or in the works. Best advice is to just cut your losses and leave, though. Businesses should take it more seriously as turnover is expensive and most people quit jobs because of bosses. There are a couple places I've left that failed, and I'm not surprised.
When a boss instigates it it is generally for the reason of trying to get the employee to voluntarily quit. Its an actual tactic Ive seen used many times. You wont find it in any playbook. But its fairly common. the reason is if you leave on your own you dont get to collect unemployment in many states. Unemployment costs your former employer money. However. This also benefits you to a certain extent because you don't have the record of being fired (terminated) which will increase your chances of getting another job. If your boss/s are in your opinion treating you unfairly or overly harsh. They likely are trying to get you to quit for any number of reasons which may or may not have to do with your performance
Because most boomers have sociopathic disorders and changed policies to serve them rather than the greater good and trying to change that is basically impossible.
Typically workplace bullies are protected, the consequences are high employee turnover, lawsuits or worse shootings. In event of the later, the company should be held accountable.
I took my employer to court. I represented myself, because I could not afford a lawyer. I was awarded £20K because the employers conduct was unlawful. BUT I would say, it is hours and hours of work and admin and learning employment law with no guarantee at the end. And it will take more than a year of your life. I am convinced that this is why most people don’t do it and companies get away with unlawful conduct. Most people don’t have the time or money to take businesses to court. It is highly stressful.
i outwit the jerks at work every 2 years, when i give myself a $20k raise and find a new job. you dont seriously think that joke of a 4% annual raise is good enough, do you? no company is worth being loyal to. there hasnt been a company that hasnt been abusive and toxic that i worked at the past 30 years. use them before they use you, have a single good reference, then leave. and always encrypt your work files for the jerks that wronged you. best way to thank them.
The only work bullies I've encountered, did so in privacy. THAT kind of passive aggressive, backhanded compliments are the worst. Ya can't prove it, they don't treat anyone else that way.. If I had complained, I would have looked crazy!? They were best friends.🙄
Yes, such a-holes are the worst. Not attacking you in public but taking every opportunity to inject a little insult or humiliation into private discussions. So they still look good in public but keep enjoying the destruction of your mood every second day.
Been there a few times. Its a horrible feeling. Mon-Fri your in a relationship with an employer and employees for 8+ hours a day. Work place abuse can be equally damaging as Domestic Violence.
Covert disrespect. No you can’t prove their sick little game trying to shift blame, confuse you or manipulate you. The gaslighting time make you appear crazy is the worst. We can’t control others or what they are doing but you can pray for them and decide to not behave the same way.
It’s the first interaction with a bully that predict future behaviour I always confront them about their approach i.e ‘ who do you think you are talking to? or ‘excuse me’ whilst giving the deadliest stare it’s worked for me all my life. If you give them that first free pass you’re toast they see weakness which is the green light to continue to persecute you.
I had to deal with bullies when I worked at a car dealership as a mechanic, service advisor, dispatcher and finally a quality control (assistant manager). I took Judo for 4 years, after 6 months of instruction the main bully gave me respect! As I improved my Judo skills I became more & more empowered mentally & physical. My surrounding energy and awareness protected me.
my advice is record every instance of name calling or put downs. Especially if they are unprovoked. I didn't, its hard to prove it but if you record it, you are in a better position. I had looooooong period of unprovoked personal attacks,/ I'm typically a quiet person and I held my unhappiness in and kept quiet but personal attacks went on and I reached my limit and then when I retaliated, suddenly i am the issue. I suspect many ppl are in this position - you try your best not to retaliate but if you do not record unprovoked personal attacks unrelated to work or your performance, you will not be in a position to take action against these people
real attacks are more subtle than name calling. how do you record being glared at? how do you complain about the narcissist when the narcissist always complains about you first, and paints you as the villain. name calling is easy if you can get a recording or a witness, it's legal trouble for the company.
In my experience, the only solution is to leave as most are not at that level to have an adult level-headed discussion looking for solutions for mobbing. It seems hard for these kind of adults to treat everyone with respect and to act professionally at work ...
As someone who is Asperger's, I can say that I have been the target of workplace bullying. That is not to say that Aspies can't be bullies, but it has been my experience that Aspies are less likely to be bullies, and much more likely to be bullied in the workplace. That said, being Aspie is not an excuse for rudeness. However, you must tell us what you think we did wrong, and what you expect us to do. One of our aspects is not being good at the constant flow of slick white lies and occasional nasty lie that most neurotypicals find natural in conversation.
That's why I've gotten pretty good at masking. If people ask why I'm acting weird I just say I'm tired, or sore from lifting, or just pretend nothing's wrong. It's how you survive, I mean it's not like you're gonna starve or anything, but if don't want a hell work experience, than just don't tell anyone you have autism. I would love to live in a world where people knew and understood, but I don't.
Also aspie, agree totally. I just need people to give me the information so I can understand what they need from me. I'm not playing some game, I just need the actual information. And what I get is people being upset that I didn't respond to something they wanted but didn't say, and then that person will actively try to exclude me and undermine my work. Why. I do not get it. I don't want any drama with anyone, I just need people to tell me the truth about what they want from me.
“If everywhere you go people treat you like dirt, there’s a really good chance you’re throwing it at them and they’re throwing it back at you.” Maybe. Or maybe “everywhere you go” at this time is your home town which has a toxic culture. I’m finding that when I leave the area I currently live in, people are nicer to me. So it’s not just me. It’s the area I live in. Toxicity is contagious, and if an entire culture is toxic then, no, it’s not just you.
I could have benefited from this talk early in my career, over 30 years ago. Alas, the World Wide Web didn't exist then and it was hard to find information on the topic of dealing with toxic work environments.
As a leader of a large team at my employer, it comes from the top. It's a culture issue. I set the tone of respect and workplace empathy. No tolerance rules. Address bad behavior swiftly. Coach people when you can, document problems, I've built close relationships with HR to act as allies.
So you believe you should be re-trained by some undergrad who thinks you suffer from Unconcious Bias? And by helping your extremely competitive co workers you are the one when the lay offs come that is told to go home. What exactly is "bad behavior." Is there a list? Do you take away gold stars if I misbehave? I've worked in HR in both music retail and at a Content Company and at both places I always hated dealing with HR. Better be careful who their pets are and who they'd prefer to have your job.
Toxic workplace. Plan your replies. Document everything. Secretly record it and take it up the chain of command. If you feel strong enough, and can take the risk, recommend this video to your colleagues at a meeting, bring up work health conditions and make calm strong statements about bullying in the workplace being unacceptable.
Continued: Methods undertaken to keep one’s sanity. Prayer meetings were held at lunch away from the employer. Unsigned letters written in felt pen while wearing gloves were sent to head office audit and sometimes politicians. ( My group had to be finger printed as a condition of employment.) Family was never discussed at our work place. Alliances were made with others so when a severe problem was encountered we had wise counsel - our union was in bed with management. And if we were required to be in a dangerous situation we left sealed letters with a trusted friend. a fSometimes a transfer had to be fought for when things became unreasonable due to head games etc. Everything important was recorded by memo so it could be acknowledged. because verbal responses were often “forgotten’. Then we all left as soon as our pension calculations allowed . Hope this helps somebody.
Penny Marshall, when asked how she survived and thrived in the shark tank that is Hollywood, said whenever things got difficult she would just pretend she was a character in a movie. It got me through the first month of doing an MA in Paris at the age of 56.
I wish I would have known about this when I was being tortured by my boss when I worked for the State of Missouri! I had documentation. I filed grievences. I looked for a lawyer and none would take on the State. I ended up having a mental break down and had to go on disability. That was 10 years ago and I have not been able to work since. I know find it hard to even leave my house. What these people can do to you is real and pathetic!
@@florencetown4024 I think about the things that happened in school too and I now realize that that was every bit as bad as later in life! The kids knew my classes better then I did to follow me and torture me!
I am a manger who was bullied by a 'subordinate' (don't like the word) who did not get the job. I have never felt so miserable and stressed. It definitely isn't just the bosses who are assholes. Killed with kindness but lost 2 stone doing it!
Gang stalking bullies hire other bullies. Anyone who is not in thier sicko group is bullied. The best workers are lambs and we must stand up for our rights. Tell bullies they will get sued if they mess with you and work hard, do your best. Than, no one has a legitimate excuse to mess with you.
This recently happened with the women in “leadership” at are church. Any women who didn’t “fall in line” were badgered online l, via text, via messenger and phone calls.... let’s just say it didn’t go like they planned...I was kind but wouldn’t play their games and they got off frustrated and confused at their lack of power...lol I so wanted to inform them (but didn’t) by saying “Honey, I grew up with a narcissistic controlling mom... I can smell control and fear from a mile away and I don’t play those games. If you think you are going to convince me of something and control my thoughts either directly or passive- aggressively you have another thing coming sweetie”.
do this while looking for a new job. No need to stay in toxic places. All-toxic companies have no one doing actual work and they go under. Do not enable them.
I think dealing with assholes is the same in any situation: Take a moment or a night or some days to reflect on what has happened, get clear about your boundaries and in what way they've crossed it, what you do and don't tolerate and think about the choice of words you intend to use (writing your reflections and intended choice of words down helps you to have a clear head and to know how you can bring your message across in a respectful and assertive way). Then, once you're ready for direct confrontation, ask them for a one-on-one conversation. Once you have them privately in front of you: Speak up, speak your mind and let them know a) what your boundaries are, b) that and how they've crossed it c) that you do not tolerate this and that their behavior is unacceptable and then d) tell them how you expect them to treat you in the future. It does not matter if it is your coworker or supervisor or the CEO of the company you're working for. There is no hierarchy between humans.
I am 48 and I still struggle emotionally every time someone is rude to me. Trying to reason with psychopaths doesn’t take you anywhere actually worse. Hr is always useless , favoritism is another problem. The problem for me is really finding the right words to disarm the other person, I always end up crying in the bathroom out of frustration. I wish I had the EQ to tackle assholes.
No job is worth your integrity and self esteem. No person is worth your integrity and self esteem. I have two ex-brothers, and an x-mother. They are out of my life. In contrast, I have a very loving wife whom I love very much. She's meaner to me than I am to her, but our arguments or so infrequent, and so trivial that they are easy to overlook.
Some of the wirst bullies are female .......extremely subtle.... undermine, throw under the bus... behind your back and sow discord from behind a sweet lady facade
Yeah, they're called covert narcissists usually. The covert NPDs in male form are often the really sweet guys in public but use passive aggression such as sulking in private to punishment partners etc. That said personality disorders have no gender. Anyone can be anything.
This video really helped me yesterday as I was pulled into a meeting with two bullying managers. I had a taster session for a choir in the evening, and knew I was going to be singing Lionel Richies dancing on the ceiling, so I just imagined myself singing the tune without a care. And that's exactly what I was doing once I got to the choir!
It's easy be a hard worker who doesn't tolerate bad behavior. If you're efforts are not recognized, if you're not getting 100% support tell this to them as you walk out and go work someplace else.
This sum up how I have been feeling in my not for profit job. I'm going to look around for another job. It's really subtle but you feel the dysfunction....
It is really awful. Some exist just to keep themselves existing. The one I work for took a million dollar grant and just hired a bunch of people with it when we don't have many clients for that project. There are now 12 people who already didn't have enough work, having meetings just for the sake of having meetings and it drives me absolutely nuts that I have to participate in this. It just makes me feel guilty - like those people we're supposed to be helping would have been better off just splitting the million dollars. It's just dirty.
@@dreamarcher4018 amen to that. It wasn't until this previous election and the pandemic happened that I figured that out about my previous employer and coworkers.
The district manager I spoke of told a story about holding people responsible for the over stock by forcing employees in charge of the dept. to write a personal check for that over stock. That check would not be given back until the over stock is completely sold. When the manager carried this out against me I managed to get copies of the list she made and informed her what she and her boss did is extortion and I would happily file suit with the evidence so they both quickly dropped it.
And I wholeheartedly agree that we ALL can be temporary jerks based on circumstances and if we are pushed too far... so remember that and wait to see if it’s a permanent part of their personality, a bad season or even a bad day.... we all have had bad days where we were the worst version of ourselves...
I was a barista and started asking people who were rude at the register how they really are while I was making their drinks, and they started unloading--one woman's husband had just left her, another's husband was in the hospital, and they started crying--after that I learned bad moods and rudeness weren't directed at me but were a sign of someone struggling.
yes and no,couse if u got a job that gives you needed experience to climb for a dream job then u have no other choice,couse its not easy get a job u want,,,but if its shit job that dont care then sure quiting is the right answer
i learned this when i was new to the workforce. The times thatI needed the job, I ignored it and started looking for a better job. In truth I never had a good boss: competent, hard working and fair. this is why I worked many years for myself. I didn't make lots of money or benefits, but I was happy.
@@SeaFlower38 dear sea flower I learned the trades: carpentry, plumbing electrical, and,also landscaping. i built decks and patio covers, remodeled kitchens etc. and la ds aped yards in my town
I've clashed with supervisors before or team leaders, not so much colleagues. We are all human beings, no one is above us, just because someone has a position doesn't mean they can't be challenged or can speak down to you. If I don't respect someone's character or values then I find it difficult to have them as a manager etc, its even worse when you are not even on a good wage yet are putting up with stuff
I can be a jerk in certain situations. If I'm forced to be in close proximity to someone who is really annoying and also if I feel like someone has crossed the line with me. But I try really hard to be as tolerant as possible and very forgiving.
8:55 I love that. The first step to become an asshole (even ourselves without even realizing) is our human tendency to blame other people. It's just a matter of owning up to our behavior. That's a great wisdom to live by. Thank you for this.
I went thru this recently, I started a new job, and almost immediately the girl that was our Accounting Manager, bullied me. Lied to HR about me, luckily I kept track of everything, and when we finally went head to head, she told the company, her or me, they chose me, and she chose to quit. Well now my supervisor is her best friend and she has made my life uncomfortable at work. She belittles me, and now lies to the owner about my performance. I get along with everyone I work with, I receive accolades daily, it's a struggle but I try to get thru each day, hoping I don't lose my job. Meh. Sometimes standing up for yourself is worth it, but these assholes sometimes have henchmen that go to war for them, sheeple.
32:10 "Documentation" is really important; First, writing it down on paper relieves your mind of recollecting details and reliving the conflict and emotions. Secondly; Paper has all the patience in the world. Therefore, your documentation is in a safe place. It's always there, anytime you need it... like a good friend.
It was after I retired that I figured out why I hated the world of work. Most folks in Canada go to work hating their jobs. Maybe this could be turned around. Sure hope so.
For close to a year I was harassed by two guys in my class. In class as well as in our free time. we lived in a dorm so it was not possible to get away from them. then one weekend I was having my lunch and talking with one of my room mates and this jerk walks in and starts up again. passing rude and insulting personal remarks etc. I just kept eating quietly and my room mate looked at me like this is too much. when I finished my meal I got up and cleaned the table and discarded the trash. he followed me to the trash can still garbaging. finally I had had enough. I told him he was in my room and I did not like the way he was insulting me. Please leave. Nothing. He was amusing himself. I said, I am going to count to three and if you are still in my room insulting me, I will hit you. He kept up his insults. so I started the count down 3, 2, 1 and he still did not control him mouth. I slammed him in the face and then in the stomach and then dropped him to the floor. That's when he finally stopped. Word got around and the next day the second jerk came to me and started a half assed blaming the other guy for what he had been doing. The guy wore glasses, so I could not risk punching him in the face. I got up and went outside the class and he followed me. One good punch to his stomach and he crumpled. End of story with those two. I never ever heard a peep from either of them again. Wow, life became quiet and normal for me. 6 more months and we all graduated. One of the others asked me why I had tolerated them for so long. well I needed the class. I was broke and my studies were being subsidized by the school. If I got expelled my whole life would be destroyed, so I had to.
An interesting angle, maybe for the next book is when individuals are assholes because of their complicity with decisions made by the organization. For example: a faculty committee decides that a certain staff member needs to go. Then people who were formerly your friends all start giving you the silent treatment. This coordinated attack is particularly hard to take.
Walked in to a job 2.5 years ago with high energy and hopes of kicking ass. Within the FIRST week, I realized how TOXIC the department employees were. Everyone was like a whipped dog. Leadership ignored the outbursts of rage, venom and otherwise cancerous attitudes. They were ALL miserable and made sure you knew it. Finally left last week. Some environments cannot be fixed until the cancer is cut out. You're right, in you have to ask yourself if you are the problem. After removing myself from the environment, it will be interesting to see if anything changes over time (only 2 people out of 50'ish I liked/respected). Funny, how I've been sleeping like a baby since leaving. Life is short ... live your life understanding that premise and don't waste your time working in rotten environments.
That's what I did. Documented with HR as I was on the way out the door. They didn't want to hear it, but I wasn't leaving without wasting as much of their time as possible. Followed up with an email explaining to the owner, since I had nothing to lose and had no intention of going back. I don't even care if they listened lol
Then the bully, emboldened, just picks a new target. That's why the advice to "just avoid" might be ok for one person, but on a social level, it sucks. Because now we're left with a society rife with assholes who have never been stood up to...
Corporations are engineered to squeeze every drop of blood they can get out of the customers and the employees. They don't care if your feelings are hurt just work harder to generate billions in profit.
@@rowdy.rockers Not true. It all depends which corporation. You have to think about how hard it is to make policies for 10k people from a distance. It’s like big government. It doesn’t work. The locals need to manage themselves. Find a big company that runs like a small company. They exist. I work for one.
Thats cool but it seems the bosses Like jerks. They love that "competitive spirit!" Im"too nice"... i worked in sales, Customers liked me! Which I thought was Good for the company.
omg i got told that i'm a mean drunk (it was late, after hours), an assessment that was designed to dismiss everything that i was calling out this narcissist on. they (bullies, and this one is a doozy, even from a restaurant perspective) can't wait to upload the ad misericordiam argument, when their backs are against the wall. the best part is that my other cook laughed when i called the former out on his shit. management? good luck. six more months and i'm done.... oversight is the problem -- it always is...
This is what I am doing. Was manipulated, sabotage and Bullied. Now I am not keeping quiet but doing the right thing, and when my guts say they have set traps and I inform the days work to my supervisor. So if they falsely accuse me they know who is lying.
know so many people who have pulled back from the work force. worst cases unemployed best cases entrepreneur or side hustles. 9-5 is just adults forever stuck in highschool and it's their time to shine. It's so depressing that people can't just work together. no matter how you shape it nothing will ever change the way we want. this life is mainly out of our control. if you stay silent and work alone people start thinking you are better than everyone when really you are protecting yourself. I tried it all and nothing works. you get critized for breathing the same air as someone else. I use to maybe 10yrs ago be excited to go out and socialize. now everytime I go out I prepare for the worst. people here in cali are so rude I cant wait to escape this hellish state. ugh
@@joanbaczek2575 Seriously. It seems like the snowflake generation are the ones who are pretending to be the self-rightous ones when it turns out they are the ones who tear down anyone who doesnt walk in lock step like jack booted thugs.
Another sign of being surrounded and supervised by assholes is when you present any issue to them about the workplace and they proceed to blame someone else and/or blame you before scampering away quickly to avoid further discussion about said issue. I do find that the older I get, the more quick I am to give back what I have been given. When someone at work, whether management or subordinate, gets an attitude I calmly tell them "I don't give a damn what your imaginary title is because all I see is people and the person in front of me better watch their mouth or they will piss me off and make a bad day for both of us." I will say before you take that approach make sure you are a good and valuable worker and they know it.
What an energetic and entertaining presentation. I learned a lot more than I normally would from a talk like this, thanks to the way he paced it and added humour.
Some of my clients really resonate well with the "no assholes" content -- it works really effectively with certain types of people, so I thank you for offering this motif into the space of workplace bullying and recovery.
When I was a construction electrician I used to move a lot to different companies and different projects.I got quite adept at picking the assholes from the first introductions 9/10 times I was proved right .The majority of people are so different when they are at work they change into a Dr Jekyll very strange.The definition of work is: Somewhere you dont want to go to to be with people you dont want to be with: To do things you dont want to do.
This video triggered me. I just came out of a toxic work environment where the asshole coworker was actually a narcissist. They hid behind good mannerism towards others, and so I suffered alone as a target of their asshole behavior. That is next level. I am grateful for this video since it highlights the effects such people can have on the wellbeing of the targeted worker. It still plays out like trauma in my head. No one could bring that bully to account for what they did to me. I left and that was the biggest come back since that person was hiding behind my hard work and that is how her salary got paid. Now that person actually has to work for it, and has a hell of a time putting forth that effort. So the lesson that I learnt was not to try change things too much. Once you realize people can't help nor care to change the environment for the better, just leave for a better opportunity. At the very least you need to distance yourself for you mental wellbeing. There is always something bigger or better out there. Such people are their own demise.
Appreciate the information. Also, I liked the way you moved around, making everyone feel included. You talk so fast and give so much information my Southern brain really had to focus. This is such an important issue, it’s good to hear the studies. Thanks, again
I used to work in HR a long time ago and I never understood why they were such a-holes. Seriously, I always helped the employees and I can't tell you how many times I got in trouble for it. I was told by my boss that I had to be seen as being on a pedestal and the employees needed to, I guess, see me on that pedestal and worship me. No joke, that is what I was told. I went on to work at other organizations and never forgot that. It got worse as the years went on and after 11 years in HR I left. Tried to go back but now it's all about social media and communication and not so much about the people.
Call them out on it immediately. Give a neutral face and say you don’t appreciate being treated like that. Stand your ground. Punch them in the throat as a last resort.
For someone who grew up in a dysfunctional family and have had relationship with (narcissism/egos) which overruled logic and ethics, empathy does not work. Assholes want you to feel bad, and feeling empathy towards them or showing kindness only leaks your energy and feeds them. They have a superiority complex, they view everyone below them. They're usually very petty too. I dont recommend kindness. I advise leaving, if not possible then show confidence, call them out in front of others, stand up for yourself and hold your ground.
I feel like I can’t do anything. The Machiavellian at my job is despised and feared by nearly everyone. She is a supervisor I have to directly communicate with via phone calls throughout the entire day, in order to keep operations running smoothly for the customers. As she holds vital information and updates that I need. If I were to do anything confrontational or fight back in any way, she can easily sabotage me by ignoring my calls or giving false info. She has done this before. Then hides behind the scenes while everything on my end of the ship starts falling apart disastrously and I’m the one getting yelled at by customers. Our boss is aware of her behavior and has meetings with her to correct it but after a week or so of “good behavior” it always goes back to how it was before. I don’t know how much longer I can work in this kind of environment. Maybe I should just try to get out.
What a unique energy this speaker has! I went through several videos on this topic that were not helpful at all. Then I found this. I will listen again.
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My parents told me school was temporary and the kids were just going through a phase, but in truth... it just moves into the corporate world at large.
jobs are also temporary!
One of the worst jobs I ever had was being a custodian for a public university. I have _never_ experienced the high school mentality and such deranged politics over cleaning toilets before or since.
So true
Yup.. learned many years into adulthood
I kept waiting for them to grow up . . .
Bullying jerks are supported by cowardly coworkers. If you stand up to them you are isolated and punished.
I worked at this disgusting retailer that is very popular and nearly most of the young (foreign national among third world countries) employees sided with this disgusting manager who was lazy and gossiping about folks like me who expressed concerns about not enough supplies and condiments and theft. I was assaulted by a thief, he was arrested, the NYC cops witnessed it and actually let him go. This is common in the hood. Yet the manager never dealt with the situation and complained to other employees that I got on well with. To this day, most if not all have defended this piece of trash....who is also from a third world country working for an American famous retailer/convenient store. I had quit on the spot since I experienced two knuckleheads trying to leave asap when there were customers waiting for help (same ones who were almost always late) ....I thought to myself this filthy place along w/ it's "ilk" isn't worth 15 per hour esp in NYC. I left the store before they could clock out.....and I never looked back. Management still refuses to mail my last two checks.
I should have allowed myself to be fired, and maybe I could have received unemployment insurance...but then that wouldn't be enough anyway. Good riddance.
@@debraberg4513 hi Jean. You might want to remove this person's name. If they see that they may have grounds to sue. I'm sincerely only trying to help.
@@monicas2346 I was trying to find this post and wanted to take out her last name.....thanks for reminding me and replying !!
I always stand up to assholes and bullies, if they kept ramping up the issue I never stood down, no matter how many they were, and every time when a boiling point was reached they always backed down. Bullies are usually people with self confidence problems or other similar issues, but their twisted way of dealing with it is to belittle and abuse people around them to feel superior and gratified or they get a high from others pain, but when it comes down to it, most of them are cowards and that's why they band together, to feel safe. I would encourage almost anyone to stand up for themselves, don't let other people walk over you, you are worth so much more than that!
and bullied more by more people
My husband was a super success in his field. His revenge was to retire early. The entire department just fell apart after he left. Workers from other departments texted him begging him to come back. Nope, the bullies lost their jobs, and the Company spent a ton of extra $$$$$$ to run the department. The little quiet helpful old man had the last laugh. You don't know the worth of the water till the well walks out the door.
Love this. My Dad did the same, retiring at 52. He was the head of the Power Dept of the phone company for the entire U.S. He died eleven years later. Twelve to sixteen years after his death, we were still getting calls from them wanting him to come back to work. Even, Klunkhead, the asshole he had the most trouble kept calling, asking if my Dad left any notes or files around that he could have. Tells you alot about the guy who didn't know anything about my Dad; if he actually knew him or tried to learn from him when my Dad was his boss, everything he needed was still there at the office. Unf@%#ing believable.
@William Miller Sure. If you want to kill 13 US citizens with drone strikes...call him.
@@readilium3432 And if you want to kill 500,000 Us citizens by pretending “all is well” during a pandemic, call Trump.
@@gumbykevbo Oh wouldn't that be convenient for you, if I was on the other side?
@@gumbykevbo Also, straight up murdering US citizens, denying them their due process rights, and people dying naturally because it is not a legitimate role of government to protect it's citizens from all of life's dangers....meh. Gonna have to go with authoritarian murder probably.
So right!! HR exists to protect the company NOT bullied employees! That is the hardest lesson I've ever learned.
From experience HR offer no help at all. They just say send an email of complaint to the Boss. Ive seen people I work with leave because the Boss seems to hate it when employees call HR.
Believe it or not, most HR people try to handle these types of complaints appropriately but are shut down by executive management. Also, I have seen HR people bully each other in larger HR departments. So how does anyone expect HR to protect employees when they aren't granted the authority to do so or when HR can't find protection from getting bullied themselves?
Yep.
One of the harshest work experiences I ever had was going to HR for help. Wrong. So. Very. Very. Wrong. HR is an ugly oxymoron.
@@NothingToSeeHere1141 Blame isn't something I would add into the equation, it's not productive. It deflects and distracts. The fact you had such a good experience at the non-profit is evidence of the type of environment you thrive in and contribute well to.
I hope you find the book as beneficial as I have. Best to you. 😊
The only problem I've found with "killing them with kindness" is that some see it as more of a justification to continue their behavior. Almost like giving a dog a treat everytime it tries to bite you.
That’s true, although an aware mature person will realize they over reacted and learn by role modeling kindness, patience and communication. Those that are damaged and have no empathy or respect for others will see your actions as a reward for being an assh*le, they won’t understand your goodwill.
@@adriamaral300 - DUH
He alludes to this when he says that bullies see kindness at weakness.
Or giving a dog any attention. They tend to keep coming back.
Yes, I would agree. But I still practice it. It's mostly as a model to those in the periphery who take notice more than the person who's being unpleasant. Seeing how the unpleasant person is ultimately unable to get to you seems to leave the impression that the interchange says more about that person (and not in any positive way whatsoever) than it does about me ultimately being non-plused about it.
It doesn't hurt to be genuinely concerned about the person attempting to cause you distress either.
Sometimes that person is just having a bad day, a bad time in their life, whatever. Not that this excuses anything, but I think there is wisdom in being a tad charitable.
That being said, being overly charitable has from time to time resulted in enough attempted dog bites that I really should reassess things.
Cheers.
In 1982 at 21 years of age, I left a profession I had fought the odds to enter, only to find a toxic workplace, I left it and opted to focus on a good marriage, raising two accomplished children, and an occupation where I was surrounded by genuinely kind people, I am now turning 60, have a marriage I’m proud of, children I’m proud of, and my friendships with genuinely kind, clever and creative people, leaves these toxic superficial , manipulate and selfish people for dead, I too have coped because I have learned to feel sorry for these people, I have less financially than my peers, but what a rich life I have lived, NEVER be afraid to leave a toxic situation, you are better than that and deserve better!
@@broco6608 I get it. Grateful to be employed, but that's the real positive at this point. I need to not give a flip. I love what I do and am at point in career where it would be really hard to change jobs at this point. I just need to embrace the positive and distance myself from the negative influences.
Feel sorry for them was my
GoTo
before I studied narcissism extensively
Now I know too much
But It does allow me to re-wrap them in a clown suit biting their nails, ✌️
Bravo!!
@@broco6608
It IS you.
You attracted them.
I didnt hear you say you are using coping/solution measures.
And why , oh, why do you stay?
You sound like a slave.
The few shekels you'll get in retirement isnt worth it.
Find new waters to swim in.
@@broco6608
Because only YOU can start the process of healing.
Articulating your standards to YOURSELF.
Establishing boundaries for YOURSELF.
Studying, researching your problems...
Moving away from toxic environments.
Getting away wont work if the same old programing leads you to the same scenarios with the same type people.
In my experience, people who are jerks to you at work avoid censure in two ways: one is to get you to lose your cool, which then becomes the problem, and whatever the jerk did gets a free pass. The other is to get to management first with a story about how you're the bad guy, because management will believe the first story they hear. Been done to me many times.
oh my god. thank you.
Yes! give management a heads up quickly, even if no action is required. Tell them you'll let them know if this continunes. This way they don't get to build a narrative.
One problem is my Boss is a Gatekeeper Asshole that does nothing to prohibit other assholes from tormenting new hires in the corporation. Family run Corporations are the worst.
Yes you’re right they will run to other colleagues, and manager tell their version of half truths. Mostly it’s about their fragile ego.
The second part is not Not true! I definitely agree with the first part.
Mon-Fri your in a relationship with an employer and employees for 8+ hours a day.
Work place abuse can be as equally damaging as Domestic Violence.
Have a meeting, for a d before anger is danger. Crazy and evil demons are everywhere.
Exactly! I told a co-worker that it feels like I’m back in an abusive relationship & she agreed.
@@nappyfries
Soft. Try roofing sometime. The shit talk back and forth is the GOOD part.
@@skeetorkiftwon oh I’m a shit talker but not in this context. There’s a difference between shit talking & verbal abuse. That doesn’t mean anyone is soft. You might want to learn the difference.
That’s why it’s important you try and look after your health and look for employment elsewhere if possible.
I had a chance to get out right away and I took it. My despair lifted within 5 days.
Sometimes self preservation is the best way
That could’ve much worse
Now I know that’s what I got to do regardless
Trust me im like that too ill just leave
Smart guy.
In my experience, bullies get promoted and those who stand up to them or go to HR about them get fired, or at least can't get a promotion.
Isn’t that the truth!
This is the truth. I don't know why this is. Bullies just have really thick skin and can handle more beatings. Stupid people seem to have thick skin too. So it might just be stupidity, genetics, and a troublesome upbringing.
Happened to me. It was one of my bosses and started to affect my pay. I quit. lol
That is exactly what will happen every single time!
Yes. State of Washington- avoid like the plague. Had same experience with two WA State HR departments.
People like to unsettle others; it makes them feel powerful. For this reason, the meaner someone is to you, just become extremely calm and look them straight in the eyes when conversing with them and don't look away or blink until they look away. Be pleasant and matter of fact (not fake snarky pleasant) so they realize they aren't upsetting you one single bit. Makes them extremely uncomfortable and they tend to avoid you after that.
Thank you! I've got to use this.
@@notsoseriousmoonlight So sorry you're in a situation where you have to do this.
Good tip 👍🏼 Thanks!
@JAMEYSTONE YOU ROCK!!!
this is a good one, I like that
I've worked at a job where people were expected to be miserable and take it out on each other. Their notion was: "This is how the world works." Nah guys, this is how your terrible business works. There are plenty of places where people are happy and productive.
Bish where
I'm still looking after 40 years
I ended up quitting my teaching job and took an IT job. People were being awarded for being an a.hole because the department head was the lead a.hole. I ended up with diabetes, high blood pressure, and depression from it. After taking the IT job things are getting better. I wish I could claim workmen's comp on that.
Bully bosses are big pharma approved
Aholes are toxic to good people.
@pleiades that is fantastic advice! I totally agree! You have to take care of yourself and those tips are spot-on. I'm trying to go carnivore. I'm not quite there but I'm close and I feel great! I also eat one meal a day (omad) and I feel fantastic. Don't let the bullies and a holes ruin your health!
🤦💔
Bad jobs can effect our health Mentally. But I think everyone has experienced this at some stage. To get Workers Compensation it has to be an extremely serious situation.
Narcissism is everywhere .
Yes, it is!!!
This world is getting even crazier
You’re so right! It’s literally a pandemic. So many people are all about looking out for number 1, and totally disregard other people’s perspectives, even shutting them out of their lives - instead of building bridges they burn them.
We as a society seem to be losing our humanity. After thousands of years of “advancing civilizations” we’re mostly still just a bunch of barbarians.
Yep, and in some cases, social media and internet can help to exacerbate narcissism
Spot on - of all the toxic attributes in co-workers and mangers (especially that latter) Narcissism is by far the most toxic.
If you're going to work for money, you're going to have to deal with jerks. A strategy that's worked for me is simple assertiveness. If your nature is to be nice all the time, it will be perceived that you need people's approval whether you like it or not. To bullies, it's blood in the water. I think it's important to immediately ice someone out that's not treating you right and most times they will change their behavior. This goes for bosses too.
Yes! Positive and friendly assertiveness is my go to now. I was “nice” at my last church and didn’t stick my neck out with what I thought.... it just got me bullied and treated like a little kid...
So now I have regained some kind but direct assertiveness and speaking honestly but with kindness. Kind people tell the truth but don’t control. They realize that saying things in the right tone and approach is important and speaking up is also important. Kindness does not avoid conflict when needed but avoids unnecessary toxicity and bully’s by others....and kindness knows when to fight and when to just leave.
“Nice” people stand down and don’t want to see ANYONE upset so they avoid and ignore and let someone bully them. Get a hi one down thoughts and feelings until they themselves become jerks and blow up themselves from being “nice” for too long
I found out about the Big Five personality theory and it helped me stop being so nice. I’m naturally“agreeable” but when someone demonstrates that they’re naturally disagreeable, I hold back. No more casting pearls before swine. And it’s been empowering. Turns out I can be disagreeable if I want to - and the jerks predictability back off.
I understand how kindness would be interpreted as blood in the water to the " work sharks ", well said
I just had to ice out 3/4 of the team.
After another of my boss's tirades I looked at him steely eyed and told him to treat me like a professional. He tries me now and then, but I remain assertive and resolute.
Once in a large corporate tax office a coworker asked me if I ever filed returns late. I sensed a set up so I falsely told her yes, many of my returns were filed late. She reappeared a few minutes later with the tax manager and CFO who said they heard my returns were filed late. I just pulled out my files and calmly showed that every single return had been filed on time. The coworker turned beat red and the two bosses went back to their offices. She later asked why I lied to her but all I could do is smile. 😂😂
Sounds like you might be the asshole
That’s not exactly a good example of professionalism on your part.
“Damn it feels good to be a gangsta” 🎶 hahaha I love it!! Bravo 👏
You dropped this 👑
That person is now exposed themselves as someone not to trust
05:56 Tweet: "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes." Lol. Now that I am old enough to recognize when is just the case the only solution is just to leave, to let them enjoy their own company.
Agreed. Toxic work environments can kill.
One of the best statements ever!!
And it is sad, but you cant change people, and you have to preserve your sanity. Find a nicer space. You might make less money, but your gastric lining will remain intact, and maybe you won't need expensive blood pressure medication! Tata!
getting ready to retire from "the gulag" and the wardens will enjoy their remaining inmates
Yup 😑
My favorite put down to a jerk co worker at work is , “DO NOT talk to me unless it is work related.”
or don't talk to me unless you are management
Aleksandr Choban Not much use when your Manager is he bully and his Manager joining in because you spoke up and asserted your right not to be treated that way.
That's a really good one. I get nosy questions from complete strangers. Too bad I can't say that to them! I'm made to look bad if I don't want to engage with nosy budinskis who have no business at all with me or my affairs.
@@marksconce4983 I agree. I have found the best line of action is to be firm. You can say « no » without apology, and politely, without smiling and with calm assurance. Then state in a short sentence why you refuse. Then fo not hold a grudge that so and so tried to bully you. If respect remains, then you have a chance at becoming appreciated and respected (by the bully and the other coworkers) in return. Do not treat others in a way you would ever want to be treated.
A woman can do that and be effective. A gay man probably can, just as a male of racial minority probably can. However, a straight white male can under no circumstances do this. Trust me. He may as well staple a "kick me" sign to his back.
Be aggressive and dominating with bullies, it's the only language they understand. You absolutely must give back more than you get and watch how fast they want to be your friend.
If that were possible everyone would be doing it.
nah. i tried this. they tried, and nearly succeeded, to get me fired.
@@savage_skirt5386You nailed it. Sorry you almost got fired for trying to stand up for yourself.
Workplace bullies usually act out when no one is around and a lot of times they are friends with managers and supervisors. So if you try to stand your ground or dish it back out so to speak, then they try to make it out like you are a problem.
Document, document, document, and put down boundaries with everyone. Don't settle for less push back so they'll fall on their arse
My store has ambient noise that prevents audio, we're in separate aisles, and they tell jokes involving everything I am and what Ive done but it about some person that isnt me that doesnt exist
Alot of things depends on which state you live. Florida and other right to work states don't have protections or recourse.
“There’s a feeling of superiority from not stooping to their level” 💕
Until you’re trying to find a lawyer for wrongful termination with no income or supports... rent and bills dont care about your moral superiority and neither do toxic workplaces.
Yes. Great comment Erin!
@@KarmasAbutch kida my fear right know, since I have a bad habit of getting unwanted focus from narcissit bosses, and machiavellian colleagues. The first start calling me out for every little detail even if they know it’s in the best interest of the company, and the latter want to use me as a ladder. 😅
@@KarmasAbutch Sounds very expensive & draining. Focus on getting another job more suitable.
There is, but I still could feel more superior had I been successful in turning his car over with a forklift though. I worked in an A-hole factory .
Kindness, distancing techniques, separating your self from the drama, are all good ways to reduce stress, but they can also cause you to miss cues for actual danger. Being observant and knowing when you need to literally leave the room is also important.
"I feel unsafe in your presence." Now, all that matters is which side will be less expensive for the employer to deal with. Truth is immaterial.
There's also subtle, covert abuse -- supervisors who find ways to nit-pick, put you down, claim a duty is "easy", gaslighting and never have your back etc... Sometimes these supervisors are nice to the workers who are either overly confident or just worship their bosses. it can be very hard to reveal the toxic behavior for all to see because the rest of the co-workers have such positive experiences. Those of you who are being bullied are in the minority and often just quit. This was my experience as a full-time teacher. Those that quit never confronted their boss or complained -- just vented to friends. So, nothing ever changes.
This is EXACTLY what I'm going through right now
God bless you Burt Reynolds. Very true.
I walked out of my job today came here to see all the comments … my coworkers have Ben bullying me, making fun of me of my weight how I talk and also Ben taking advantage of my kindness and when something wasn’t done they come and tell me shit but never too harshly to be noticed as a insult only enough to make me feel dumb and confused and upset 😢 . When I walked out today everyone called me and some texted me saying “ you need to come back” …. Hopefully you don’t take a longer break thn you are Now .. and i needed a breather and I wasn’t gonna explain … are they sorry now ? Lol it hurts because I’m dealing with other stuff to come work and deal with more like nope I left I didn’t even clock out
I'm in tech but my boss is just like that. He will recommend new, additional features when I ask him for any help, ugh. Dude is up his ass so hard, I haven't had a single comment on my work good or bad for over 1 year though. Doesn't matter, but being around him too long makes you feel invisible. Awful person. I feel sorry for his wife
Yeah that grey area is nasty. Dealing with that. Alot. If our policies were more clear cut with harsher consequenses I don't think this would happen.
This is, quite possibly, one of the best presentations I've ever watched. Also, a shout-out to my late dad: he was a physician once at Cleveland Clinic a looong time ago, and I can also confirm that they don't tolerate a**holes. My dad was a professor of medicine and tried to teach every one of his students to be a thoughtful person with excellent bedside manner (ie, not an a**hole)-he was well-loved by students and faculty alike.
That's why Cleveland clinic has an excellent reputation.
This speaker is good. He sounds thorough. But really, it's just more anti-bullying drivel from someone who misdiagnoses the problem.
My father had the same manner, same profession, and same mind-set in the Detroit area. A-holes reduce efficiency and patient connection. Interns, residents, and patients find them unapproachable. Another thing that remains undiscussed here, does acting like an a-hole make you seem more competent? Funny, but I have never heard anyone say, "He or She is an a-hole, but his work performance is of the highest caliber!
The problem is that they are everywhere! I tried to get away but I need to earn a living! Help me!
Driving job ?
I feel your pain!
Start your own company.
That would get me fired.
They are everywhere because you are a target person. Probably smart and open minded and friendly the perfect target for a bully.
My boss used to give me all the difficult people to handle because I was “so good at it”
The third time he said this to me, I replied that I was glad he recognized it as a valuable skill set, but I didn’t enjoy dealing with these folks any more than the rest of the team and he needed to start sharing the wealth so everyone could develop skills in this area. And that I would be willing to mentor anyone who asked.
The one I love is the schools have posters everywhere about bullying, and the management of the school district is the worst offender at bullying their employees into doing illegal and unethical things.
Illegal = a crime.
Crime gets reported to Law Enforcement.
Unethical conduct get publicized.
@@hacunamatata6802 If only it was that easy. Especially in the state of Alaska where the corruption of state officials is almost never investigated.
My son told me that if he got caught defending himself or someone else against a bully he would get suspended along with the bully. Schools don't want to trouble themselves with a little investigating. I told him to go ahead & defend himself even if that meant getting suspended. It never happened but if it ever did, the school would be sorry!
Or the school staff participates in, or at least excuses, the bullying of students.
re: "the school district is the worst offender at bullying their employees into doing illegal and unethical things."
Like Covid vaccine shots?
Having to deal with this is so exhausting. There are uncivilized people....just about everywhere.
@@danskdna8550 Or 3-4. Yuck!
I had two colleagues that bullied me. I just went out and made friends with the rest of department. When it come to a head I had the backing of the whole department and I slowly escalated to the point it reached the CIO. He put them in their place and they changed their behavior, and the rest of the department still had no issue with me since they saw what those two were doing.
So... If a great boss is someone who will protect you, why isn't it considered criminal assault when a boss actually instigates mobbing against an employee, just because the boss is lazy, or a psychopath looking for an easy scapegoat to hide behind, torment, and ruin?
I agree, DM. People desperately need to be educated on logic vs. fallacies, and civil discussion & debate; maintaining respect, courtesy and consideration for people we disagree with.
There are some states with workplace bullying laws on the books, or in the works. Best advice is to just cut your losses and leave, though. Businesses should take it more seriously as turnover is expensive and most people quit jobs because of bosses.
There are a couple places I've left that failed, and I'm not surprised.
When a boss instigates it it is generally for the reason of trying to get the employee to voluntarily quit. Its an actual tactic Ive seen used many times. You wont find it in any playbook. But its fairly common. the reason is if you leave on your own you dont get to collect unemployment in many states. Unemployment costs your former employer money.
However. This also benefits you to a certain extent because you don't have the record of being fired (terminated) which will increase your chances of getting another job.
If your boss/s are in your opinion treating you unfairly or overly harsh. They likely are trying to get you to quit for any number of reasons which may or may not have to do with your performance
@@icestationzebraassociates2460 Koo
Because most boomers have sociopathic disorders and changed policies to serve them rather than the greater good and trying to change that is basically impossible.
best to quit a job you're being mistreated at and get a better job where you are respected and the work is more important than people's insecurities
But so many places are like that 😞 and it only takes one to bum you out.
@@Mockduck2020 and if it happens too often it makes you feel helpless
@@Dancestar1981 I used to feel helpless...then I simply stopped caring so much.
oh thank you for the solution! Gah, find another job, of course! SO SIMPLE WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY THINK OF IT????
Oh right, you need a job to live.
Sounds good in theory but how do you know when you quit you will go to the new job and not face the same problems or worse?
I’ve only had a few good bosses and they don’t last because of the overall bad environment they are trying to manage.
So true. Our store has had many managers quit over the past 10 years. Store managers rarely last more than one year.
Typically workplace bullies are protected, the consequences are high employee turnover, lawsuits or worse shootings. In event of the later, the company should be held accountable.
I took my employer to court. I represented myself, because I could not afford a lawyer. I was awarded £20K because the employers conduct was unlawful. BUT I would say, it is hours and hours of work and admin and learning employment law with no guarantee at the end. And it will take more than a year of your life. I am convinced that this is why most people don’t do it and companies get away with unlawful conduct. Most people don’t have the time or money to take businesses to court. It is highly stressful.
i outwit the jerks at work every 2 years, when i give myself a $20k raise and find a new job. you dont seriously think that joke of a 4% annual raise is good enough, do you? no company is worth being loyal to. there hasnt been a company that hasnt been abusive and toxic that i worked at the past 30 years. use them before they use you, have a single good reference, then leave. and always encrypt your work files for the jerks that wronged you. best way to thank them.
If the human will to dominate others is greater than the desire to succeed in business. Then that's stupid, unproductive and backward.
I like that
NOW you're catching on.
Chris - Should be one sentence.
EXACTLY. Assholes and sociopaths lose money by torturing other employees. They deserve to be fired for the productivity suck.
The only work bullies I've encountered, did so in privacy. THAT kind of passive aggressive, backhanded compliments are the worst. Ya can't prove it, they don't treat anyone else that way.. If I had complained, I would have looked crazy!? They were best friends.🙄
Covert narcissism is when they can turn it on an off at will. The more destructive ones are great actors.
Yes, such a-holes are the worst. Not attacking you in public but taking every opportunity to inject a little insult or humiliation into private discussions. So they still look good in public but keep enjoying the destruction of your mood every second day.
Been there a few times. Its a horrible feeling.
Mon-Fri your in a relationship with an employer and employees for 8+ hours a day.
Work place abuse can be equally damaging as Domestic Violence.
Covert disrespect. No you can’t prove their sick little game trying to shift blame, confuse you or manipulate you. The gaslighting time make you appear crazy is the worst. We can’t control others or what they are doing but you can pray for them and decide to not behave the same way.
@Miss Conduct808 - did you experiencing it working in Hawaii?
It’s the first interaction with a bully that predict future behaviour I always confront them about their approach i.e ‘ who do you think you are talking to? or ‘excuse me’ whilst giving the deadliest stare it’s worked for me all my life. If you give them that first free pass you’re toast they see weakness which is the green light to continue to persecute you.
I had to deal with bullies when I worked at a car dealership as a mechanic, service advisor, dispatcher and finally a quality control (assistant manager). I took Judo for 4 years, after 6 months of instruction the main bully gave me respect! As I improved my Judo skills I became more & more empowered mentally & physical. My surrounding energy and awareness protected me.
my advice is record every instance of name calling or put downs. Especially if they are unprovoked. I didn't, its hard to prove it but if you record it, you are in a better position. I had looooooong period of unprovoked personal attacks,/ I'm typically a quiet person and I held my unhappiness in and kept quiet but personal attacks went on and I reached my limit and then when I retaliated, suddenly i am the issue. I suspect many ppl are in this position - you try your best not to retaliate but if you do not record unprovoked personal attacks unrelated to work or your performance, you will not be in a position to take action against these people
real attacks are more subtle than name calling. how do you record being glared at? how do you complain about the narcissist when the narcissist always complains about you first, and paints you as the villain. name calling is easy if you can get a recording or a witness, it's legal trouble for the company.
@@infinityreaper4652 Note that too. Keeping a diary is a great way to get some perspective on a situation.
I’m glad I don’t have to work in corporate or any type of jobs as such.
Nothing better like being your own boss.🙏✨
amen!
Tell me about it
In my experience, the only solution is to leave as most are not at that level to have an adult level-headed discussion looking for solutions for mobbing. It seems hard for these kind of adults to treat everyone with respect and to act professionally at work ...
As someone who is Asperger's, I can say that I have been the target of workplace bullying. That is not to say that Aspies can't be bullies, but it has been my experience that Aspies are less likely to be bullies, and much more likely to be bullied in the workplace.
That said, being Aspie is not an excuse for rudeness. However, you must tell us what you think we did wrong, and what you expect us to do. One of our aspects is not being good at the constant flow of slick white lies and occasional nasty lie that most neurotypicals find natural in conversation.
Science agrees with your experience. Neurodivergent people are far more likely to be victims rather than perpetrators.
I'm so sorry to hear this.
That's why I've gotten pretty good at masking. If people ask why I'm acting weird I just say I'm tired, or sore from lifting, or just pretend nothing's wrong. It's how you survive, I mean it's not like you're gonna starve or anything, but if don't want a hell work experience, than just don't tell anyone you have autism. I would love to live in a world where people knew and understood, but I don't.
Any person with a disability or anyone who acts slightly different is more likely to be the workplace skapegoat.
Also aspie, agree totally. I just need people to give me the information so I can understand what they need from me. I'm not playing some game, I just need the actual information. And what I get is people being upset that I didn't respond to something they wanted but didn't say, and then that person will actively try to exclude me and undermine my work. Why. I do not get it. I don't want any drama with anyone, I just need people to tell me the truth about what they want from me.
“If everywhere you go people treat you like dirt, there’s a really good chance you’re throwing it at them and they’re throwing it back at you.” Maybe. Or maybe “everywhere you go” at this time is your home town which has a toxic culture. I’m finding that when I leave the area I currently live in, people are nicer to me. So it’s not just me. It’s the area I live in. Toxicity is contagious, and if an entire culture is toxic then, no, it’s not just you.
~Keep in mind HR is there to protect the company's assets!
I worked at a well known hospital and it took me 6 weeks to get over the ptsd I got while working there once I quit.
I could have benefited from this talk early in my career, over 30 years ago. Alas, the World Wide Web didn't exist then and it was hard to find information on the topic of dealing with toxic work environments.
As a leader of a large team at my employer, it comes from the top. It's a culture issue. I set the tone of respect and workplace empathy. No tolerance rules. Address bad behavior swiftly. Coach people when you can, document problems, I've built close relationships with HR to act as allies.
Can i work for you?😊
Thanks for commenting, good to know it aint All bad
So you believe you should be re-trained by some undergrad who thinks you suffer from Unconcious Bias? And by helping your extremely competitive co workers you are the one when the lay offs come that is told to go home. What exactly is "bad behavior." Is there a list? Do you take away gold stars if I misbehave? I've worked in HR in both music retail and at a Content Company and at both places I always hated dealing with HR. Better be careful who their pets are and who they'd prefer to have your job.
Good on you!👍🏻
“A river never rises higher than it’s source.”
It's pretty hard to outwit people when they doing it in front of the office manager and everyone else and nobody says jack about it.
Toxic workplace. Plan your replies. Document everything. Secretly record it and take it up the chain of command. If you feel strong enough, and can take the risk, recommend this video to your colleagues at a meeting, bring up work health conditions and make calm strong statements about bullying in the workplace being unacceptable.
Because they are glad it isn’t them.
@@dreamarcher4018 100% right. One, big clique.
Sometimes bad behavior becomes the normal and goes unnoticed like wallpaper.
It Is impossible
Continued: Methods undertaken to keep one’s sanity.
Prayer meetings were held at lunch away from the employer. Unsigned letters written in felt pen while wearing gloves were sent to head office audit and sometimes politicians. ( My group had to be finger printed as a condition of employment.) Family was never discussed at our work place. Alliances were made with others so when a severe problem was encountered we had wise counsel - our union was in bed with management. And if we were required to be in a dangerous situation we left sealed letters with a trusted friend. a fSometimes a transfer had to be fought for when things became unreasonable due to head games etc.
Everything important was recorded by memo so it could be acknowledged. because verbal
responses were often “forgotten’. Then we all left as soon as our pension calculations allowed .
Hope this helps somebody.
Bob, you have an incredible grasp of the subject and then hand it over to us!
This video should have a billion views.
Penny Marshall, when asked how she survived and thrived in the shark tank that is Hollywood, said whenever things got difficult she would just pretend she was a character in a movie. It got me through the first month of doing an MA in Paris at the age of 56.
I wish I would have known about this when I was being tortured by my boss when I worked for the State of Missouri! I had documentation. I filed grievences. I looked for a lawyer and none would take on the State. I ended up having a mental break down and had to go on disability. That was 10 years ago and I have not been able to work since. I know find it hard to even leave my house. What these people can do to you is real and pathetic!
Please-starting today- climb out of this hole.
Little by little, day by day.
Oh Dena I'm so sorry you're going through this. Been there.
@@florencetown4024
Amen.
But never underestimate your ability to drop that heavy bundle and get on with the better part of your life.
@@florencetown4024 I think about the things that happened in school too and I now realize that that was every bit as bad as later in life! The kids knew my classes better then I did to follow me and torture me!
I am a manger who was bullied by a 'subordinate' (don't like the word) who did not get the job. I have never felt so miserable and stressed. It definitely isn't just the bosses who are assholes. Killed with kindness but lost 2 stone doing it!
Gang stalking bullies hire other bullies. Anyone who is not in thier sicko group is bullied. The best workers are lambs and we must stand up for our rights. Tell bullies they will get sued if they mess with you and work hard, do your best. Than, no one has a legitimate excuse to mess with you.
I work in industrial repair and most promoted to assistant manager are ignorant fools who are bullyboys just like their bosses.
This recently happened with the women in “leadership” at are church. Any women who didn’t “fall in line” were badgered online l, via text, via messenger and phone calls.... let’s just say it didn’t go like they planned...I was kind but wouldn’t play their games and they got off frustrated and confused at their lack of power...lol I so wanted to inform them (but didn’t) by saying “Honey, I grew up with a narcissistic controlling mom... I can smell control and fear from a mile away and I don’t play those games. If you think you are going to convince me of something and control my thoughts either directly or passive- aggressively you have another thing coming sweetie”.
@@stevematson4808
I totally believe that Steve.
@@Jaxmusicgal23
Bravo👏
Wish I was more like that.
do this while looking for a new job.
No need to stay in toxic places. All-toxic companies have no one doing actual work and they go under. Do not enable them.
I think dealing with assholes is the same in any situation: Take a moment or a night or some days to reflect on what has happened, get clear about your boundaries and in what way they've crossed it, what you do and don't tolerate and think about the choice of words you intend to use (writing your reflections and intended choice of words down helps you to have a clear head and to know how you can bring your message across in a respectful and assertive way). Then, once you're ready for direct confrontation, ask them for a one-on-one conversation. Once you have them privately in front of you: Speak up, speak your mind and let them know a) what your boundaries are, b) that and how they've crossed it c) that you do not tolerate this and that their behavior is unacceptable and then d) tell them how you expect them to treat you in the future. It does not matter if it is your coworker or supervisor or the CEO of the company you're working for. There is no hierarchy between humans.
I am 48 and I still struggle emotionally every time someone is rude to me. Trying to reason with psychopaths doesn’t take you anywhere actually worse. Hr is always useless , favoritism is another problem. The problem for me is really finding the right words to disarm the other person, I always end up crying in the bathroom out of frustration. I wish I had the EQ to tackle assholes.
No job is worth your integrity and self esteem. No person is worth your integrity and self esteem.
I have two ex-brothers, and an x-mother. They are out of my life.
In contrast, I have a very loving wife whom I love very much. She's meaner to me than I am to her, but our arguments or so infrequent, and so trivial that they are easy to overlook.
Some of the wirst bullies are female .......extremely subtle.... undermine, throw under the bus... behind your back and sow discord from behind a sweet lady facade
Yeah, they're called covert narcissists usually. The covert NPDs in male form are often the really sweet guys in public but use passive aggression such as sulking in private to punishment partners etc. That said personality disorders have no gender. Anyone can be anything.
worst...
Most of the worst are humans actually.
Oh, I see you've met my ex-wife.
Yeah, we know.
This video really helped me yesterday as I was pulled into a meeting with two bullying managers. I had a taster session for a choir in the evening, and knew I was going to be singing Lionel Richies dancing on the ceiling, so I just imagined myself singing the tune without a care. And that's exactly what I was doing once I got to the choir!
It's easy be a hard worker who doesn't tolerate bad behavior. If you're efforts are not recognized, if you're not getting 100% support tell this to them as you walk out and go work someplace else.
This sum up how I have been feeling in my not for profit job. I'm going to look around for another job. It's really subtle but you feel the dysfunction....
Non profit is bad it is full of social justice warriors.
It is really awful. Some exist just to keep themselves existing. The one I work for took a million dollar grant and just hired a bunch of people with it when we don't have many clients for that project. There are now 12 people who already didn't have enough work, having meetings just for the sake of having meetings and it drives me absolutely nuts that I have to participate in this. It just makes me feel guilty - like those people we're supposed to be helping would have been better off just splitting the million dollars. It's just dirty.
@@dreamarcher4018 amen to that. It wasn't until this previous election and the pandemic happened that I figured that out about my previous employer and coworkers.
The district manager I spoke of told a story about holding people responsible for the over stock by forcing employees in charge of the dept. to write a personal check for that over stock. That check would not be given back until the over stock is completely sold. When the manager carried this out against me I managed to get copies of the list she made and informed her what she and her boss did is extortion and I would happily file suit with the evidence so they both quickly dropped it.
Bravo!
And I wholeheartedly agree that we ALL can be temporary jerks based on circumstances and if we are pushed too far... so remember that and wait to see if it’s a permanent part of their personality, a bad season or even a bad day.... we all have had bad days where we were the worst version of ourselves...
I was a barista and started asking people who were rude at the register how they really are while I was making their drinks, and they started unloading--one woman's husband had just left her, another's husband was in the hospital, and they started crying--after that I learned bad moods and rudeness weren't directed at me but were a sign of someone struggling.
"... all transmission, no reception type of person..." This bit says it all.
The best way to maintain your mental health is to move on and find a new job, or better yet start your own business. This is my experience.
Absolutely I haven’t worked for years because of it
yes and no,couse if u got a job that gives you needed experience to climb for a dream job then u have no other choice,couse its not easy get a job u want,,,but if its shit job that dont care then sure quiting is the right answer
i learned this when i was new to the workforce. The times thatI needed the job, I ignored it and started looking for a better job. In truth I never had a good boss: competent, hard working and fair. this is why I worked many years for myself. I didn't make lots of money or benefits, but I was happy.
What did you do while working for yourself?
@@SeaFlower38 dear sea flower I learned the trades: carpentry, plumbing electrical, and,also landscaping. i built decks and patio covers, remodeled kitchens etc. and la ds aped yards in my town
@@tomgardner8825 Oh, cool. :)
I've clashed with supervisors before or team leaders, not so much colleagues. We are all human beings, no one is above us, just because someone has a position doesn't mean they can't be challenged or can speak down to you. If I don't respect someone's character or values then I find it difficult to have them as a manager etc, its even worse when you are not even on a good wage yet are putting up with stuff
I can be a jerk in certain situations. If I'm forced to be in close proximity to someone who is really annoying and also if I feel like someone has crossed the line with me. But I try really hard to be as tolerant as possible and very forgiving.
8:55 I love that. The first step to become an asshole (even ourselves without even realizing) is our human tendency to blame other people. It's just a matter of owning up to our behavior. That's a great wisdom to live by. Thank you for this.
I went thru this recently, I started a new job, and almost immediately the girl that was our Accounting Manager, bullied me. Lied to HR about me, luckily I kept track of everything, and when we finally went head to head, she told the company, her or me, they chose me, and she chose to quit. Well now my supervisor is her best friend and she has made my life uncomfortable at work. She belittles me, and now lies to the owner about my performance. I get along with everyone I work with, I receive accolades daily, it's a struggle but I try to get thru each day, hoping I don't lose my job. Meh. Sometimes standing up for yourself is worth it, but these assholes sometimes have henchmen that go to war for them, sheeple.
32:10 "Documentation" is really important; First, writing it down on paper relieves your mind of recollecting details and reliving the conflict and emotions.
Secondly; Paper has all the patience in the world. Therefore, your documentation is in a safe place. It's always there, anytime you need it... like a good friend.
It was after I retired that I figured out why I hated the world of work. Most folks in Canada go to work hating their jobs. Maybe this could be turned around. Sure hope so.
Yeah. Every job fucking needs to be a good job, not a fucking supplemental income for someone else.
For close to a year I was harassed by two guys in my class. In class as well as in our free time. we lived in a dorm so it was not possible to get away from them. then one weekend I was having my lunch and talking with one of my room mates and this jerk walks in and starts up again. passing rude and insulting personal remarks etc. I just kept eating quietly and my room mate looked at me like this is too much. when I finished my meal I got up and cleaned the table and discarded the trash. he followed me to the trash can still garbaging. finally I had had enough. I told him he was in my room and I did not like the way he was insulting me. Please leave. Nothing. He was amusing himself. I said, I am going to count to three and if you are still in my room insulting me, I will hit you. He kept up his insults. so I started the count down 3, 2, 1 and he still did not control him mouth. I slammed him in the face and then in the stomach and then dropped him to the floor. That's when he finally stopped. Word got around and the next day the second jerk came to me and started a half assed blaming the other guy for what he had been doing. The guy wore glasses, so I could not risk punching him in the face. I got up and went outside the class and he followed me. One good punch to his stomach and he crumpled. End of story with those two. I never ever heard a peep from either of them again. Wow, life became quiet and normal for me. 6 more months and we all graduated. One of the others asked me why I had tolerated them for so long. well I needed the class. I was broke and my studies were being subsidized by the school. If I got expelled my whole life would be destroyed, so I had to.
An interesting angle, maybe for the next book is when individuals are assholes because of their complicity with decisions made by the organization. For example: a faculty committee decides that a certain staff member needs to go. Then people who were formerly your friends all start giving you the silent treatment. This coordinated attack is particularly hard to take.
Walked in to a job 2.5 years ago with high energy and hopes of kicking ass. Within the FIRST week, I realized how TOXIC the department employees were. Everyone was like a whipped dog. Leadership ignored the outbursts of rage, venom and otherwise cancerous attitudes. They were ALL miserable and made sure you knew it. Finally left last week. Some environments cannot be fixed until the cancer is cut out. You're right, in you have to ask yourself if you are the problem. After removing myself from the environment, it will be interesting to see if anything changes over time (only 2 people out of 50'ish I liked/respected). Funny, how I've been sleeping like a baby since leaving. Life is short ... live your life understanding that premise and don't waste your time working in rotten environments.
Thank you very much for this information, eye opening, in our competitive culture it’s surprising that bullying isn’t more common. ..
Using my phone for sure. If I can LEGALLY be cursed at, I should be able to use my personal phone to record it.
I don't answer calls from certain people. If they need to communicate, they can put it in writing
Check the law - where I worked, I would be guilty of a serious crime if I recorded.
I’d like to share my favorite ministry on yt with you showing bible prophecy fulfilling in current news events. Midday Power Surge.
@@patriciacole8773 The hell does that have to do with anything in this comment thread, weirdo?
Nobody should be cussing you at work...bad as people trying to "save my soul" at work...its a work place dang it!
Love his books. They helped me survive a toxic boss until I could retire.
I was bullied by someone at work years ago. If that was to happen again I think I would just leave.
That's what I did. Documented with HR as I was on the way out the door. They didn't want to hear it, but I wasn't leaving without wasting as much of their time as possible. Followed up with an email explaining to the owner, since I had nothing to lose and had no intention of going back. I don't even care if they listened lol
For me I use biological warfare. A little biohazard in a bully's coffee never hurt the world, eh?
Then the bully, emboldened, just picks a new target. That's why the advice to "just avoid" might be ok for one person, but on a social level, it sucks. Because now we're left with a society rife with assholes who have never been stood up to...
Step one: don’t work a corporate job
this is not a corporate exclusive
Corporations are engineered to squeeze every drop of blood they can get out of the customers and the employees. They don't care if your feelings are hurt just work harder to generate billions in profit.
@@rowdy.rockers Not true. It all depends which corporation. You have to think about how hard it is to make policies for 10k people from a distance. It’s like big government. It doesn’t work. The locals need to manage themselves. Find a big company that runs like a small company. They exist. I work for one.
Just be your RIGHTIOUS self and let jerks expose themselves.
Nice, I like that.
Thats cool but it seems the bosses Like jerks. They love that "competitive spirit!" Im"too nice"... i worked in sales, Customers liked me! Which I thought was Good for the company.
omg i got told that i'm a mean drunk (it was late, after hours), an assessment that was designed to dismiss everything that i was calling out this narcissist on. they (bullies, and this one is a doozy, even from a restaurant perspective) can't wait to upload the ad misericordiam argument, when their backs are against the wall. the best part is that my other cook laughed when i called the former out on his shit. management? good luck. six more months and i'm done.... oversight is the problem -- it always is...
This is what I am doing. Was manipulated, sabotage and Bullied. Now I am not keeping quiet but doing the right thing, and when my guts say they have set traps and I inform the days work to my supervisor. So if they falsely accuse me they know who is lying.
Dr. Sutton is amazingly intuitive to understand all kind of jerks/morons / oppressors and he offer great tips
Hurting people hurt people..... true story. And trust me it doesn't matter where you go, you will find a-holes everywhere....
know so many people who have pulled back from the work force. worst cases unemployed best cases entrepreneur or side hustles. 9-5 is just adults forever stuck in highschool and it's their time to shine. It's so depressing that people can't just work together. no matter how you shape it nothing will ever change the way we want. this life is mainly out of our control. if you stay silent and work alone people start thinking you are better than everyone when really you are protecting yourself. I tried it all and nothing works. you get critized for breathing the same air as someone else. I use to maybe 10yrs ago be excited to go out and socialize. now everytime I go out I prepare for the worst. people here in cali are so rude I cant wait to escape this hellish state. ugh
I couldn't have expressed better. Similar situation, different country.
Man this guy is a great presenter. Great information too!
Yesterday we publicly humiliated our team jerk in the daily meeting...I just wanted to take out a champagne bottle !
You might have to drink again after he/she retaliates.
Humiliating is bullying confronting and asking about solutions isn’t . You may be one of the assholes
@@joanbaczek2575 Seriously.
It seems like the snowflake generation are the ones who are pretending to be the self-rightous ones when it turns out they are the ones who tear down anyone who doesnt walk in lock step like jack booted thugs.
The thing about bullies is it might not sink in. They have really thick skulls. Just don't deal with people who suck.
You see? It is catchy.
Another sign of being surrounded and supervised by assholes is when you present any issue to them about the workplace and they proceed to blame someone else and/or blame you before scampering away quickly to avoid further discussion about said issue. I do find that the older I get, the more quick I am to give back what I have been given. When someone at work, whether management or subordinate, gets an attitude I calmly tell them "I don't give a damn what your imaginary title is because all I see is people and the person in front of me better watch their mouth or they will piss me off and make a bad day for both of us." I will say before you take that approach make sure you are a good and valuable worker and they know it.
What an energetic and entertaining presentation. I learned a lot more than I normally would from a talk like this, thanks to the way he paced it and added humour.
Some of my clients really resonate well with the "no assholes" content -- it works really effectively with certain types of people, so I thank you for offering this motif into the space of workplace bullying and recovery.
I am relieved to have found this today; will listen a couple more times and make notes for the coming week! And get the book - thanks.
The advice right after 25:08 was super helpful for taking control of your mindset and response to them. Just what I needed to hear, thank you!
Listening to this man talk about assholes in a scientific, empirical way is the best thing I've seen heard in 2020.
When I was a construction electrician I used to move a lot to different companies and different projects.I got quite adept at picking the assholes from the first introductions 9/10 times I was proved right .The majority of people are so different when they are at work they change into a Dr Jekyll very strange.The definition of work is: Somewhere you dont want to go to to be with people you dont want to be with: To do things you dont want to do.
This video triggered me. I just came out of a toxic work environment where the asshole coworker was actually a narcissist. They hid behind good mannerism towards others, and so I suffered alone as a target of their asshole behavior. That is next level. I am grateful for this video since it highlights the effects such people can have on the wellbeing of the targeted worker. It still plays out like trauma in my head. No one could bring that bully to account for what they did to me. I left and that was the biggest come back since that person was hiding behind my hard work and that is how her salary got paid. Now that person actually has to work for it, and has a hell of a time putting forth that effort. So the lesson that I learnt was not to try change things too much. Once you realize people can't help nor care to change the environment for the better, just leave for a better opportunity. At the very least you need to distance yourself for you mental wellbeing. There is always something bigger or better out there. Such people are their own demise.
Appreciate the information. Also, I liked the way you moved around, making everyone feel included. You talk so fast and give so much information my Southern brain really had to focus. This is such an important issue, it’s good to hear the studies. Thanks, again
I used to work in HR a long time ago and I never understood why they were such a-holes. Seriously, I always helped the employees and I can't tell you how many times I got in trouble for it. I was told by my boss that I had to be seen as being on a pedestal and the employees needed to, I guess, see me on that pedestal and worship me. No joke, that is what I was told. I went on to work at other organizations and never forgot that. It got worse as the years went on and after 11 years in HR I left. Tried to go back but now it's all about social media and communication and not so much about the people.
Call them out on it immediately. Give a neutral face and say you don’t appreciate being treated like that. Stand your ground. Punch them in the throat as a last resort.
Behave 😂
😆
totally, the only way to deal with them
😂
For someone who grew up in a dysfunctional family and have had relationship with (narcissism/egos) which overruled logic and ethics, empathy does not work. Assholes want you to feel bad, and feeling empathy towards them or showing kindness only leaks your energy and feeds them. They have a superiority complex, they view everyone below them. They're usually very petty too. I dont recommend kindness. I advise leaving, if not possible then show confidence, call them out in front of others, stand up for yourself and hold your ground.
I feel like I can’t do anything. The Machiavellian at my job is despised and feared by nearly everyone. She is a supervisor I have to directly communicate with via phone calls throughout the entire day, in order to keep operations running smoothly for the customers. As she holds vital information and updates that I need. If I were to do anything confrontational or fight back in any way, she can easily sabotage me by ignoring my calls or giving false info. She has done this before. Then hides behind the scenes while everything on my end of the ship starts falling apart disastrously and I’m the one getting yelled at by customers. Our boss is aware of her behavior and has meetings with her to correct it but after a week or so of “good behavior” it always goes back to how it was before. I don’t know how much longer I can work in this kind of environment. Maybe I should just try to get out.
What a unique energy this speaker has!
I went through several videos on this topic that were not helpful at all.
Then I found this.
I will listen again.